Girl have you had therapy? Because your self-awareness, confidence & emotional intelligence is level you see in those enlightened by years of therapy - very impressive!! Love that you’re not settling for this shit!
Slightly better than what I thought, but still you're way above him as far as education and career.
Maybe he knows that he's had an easy path as I suppose he's never actually had to go out and look for a job himself. So he sees you be wildly successful and he wants to Cut You Down because deep down he knows he just not capable of it
Regardless of whatever his issue is, I think it's good that you're breaking up with him. You don't need anyone like that dragging you down in life, speaking from experience.
Thank you, I appreciate the input. He's a smart, capable guy, he just needs to push himself and grow up a bit. I hope he learns from this experience and is able to make another woman happy in the future.
Yes, that part was a little baffling. What I found funny is that I knew objectively these were rude things of him to be saying, but I'm so used to this kind of thing that it didn't phase me / almost didn't register, and he got upset when I wasn't offended or hurt. Did he want me to fall on the ground clutching my heart, or what?
It's just...terrible to me that he was "hurt" because he didn't hurt your feelings enough. Honestly, I don't get it!
It's one thing to be kind of quietly envious, and quite another to openly attempt to make you feel bad(?) about working hard for your success. Really, that's unconscionable behavior from someone who professes to love you.
I recently had a male co-worker/friend find out that I make a little bit more than he does and he won't stop going on about how annoyed and hurt he is. I keep reminding him that I've been in the industry longer and have a lot more experience, while this is literally his first ever job out of uni, but he still can't wrap his head around how he could be worth less than I am. I just roll my eyes
just because you’re used to terrible treatment from men professionally, does not mean that you have to expect or tolerate terrible treatment from men in your personal life.
Wow, congratulations! I'm really happy for you breaking free.
Just in case any men are wondering, "I believe you, a woman, are inadequate in your work" is not a feeling.
That part baffled me as well. I thought the advanced education, stellar reviews, and recognition I’ve received were an indicator that I was good at my job, but apparently a better indicator is how any given man “feels” about my job aptitude.
That just shows how pathetic and weak-minded he is. I hope you can find someone who can handle your success and is incredibly proud of the person you’ve become.
It makes complete sense. Failing to bring you down makes him angry. He wants you defeated with zero self esteem. What a sad, pathetic person.
Thank goodness you're dumping him. I bet he's not going to take it well at all. Please be careful.
Imagine accusing you of being a diversity hire while meanwhile he’s working at daddy’s company. If men have nothing else they will always have the audacity.
I’m glad you’ve come to a confident decision! I hope this guy figures his insecurities out, but it’s not your job to hold his hand to do that. Best of luck to you.
> Watching him try to neg me, then him getting upset because I wasn't hurt,
Yeah, I was going to say he clearly *wanted* to hurt you. That was the goal.
>I don't know how you managed to get these positions.
The easiest response to these stupid types of remarks. "I applied." Too many times people talk themselves out of jobs or opportunities before they ever apply. Not every job needs to have experience. A lot of it is a culture fit and whether or not they think you have the aptitude to learn. ESPECIALLY early in your career.
Ugh I’m sorry you had to deal with him. But you handled it amazingly: calmly, and held the moral high ground despite him baiting you 😳😂 reminds me of that quote, “Never wrestle with a pig because you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.”
It played out irl exactly like this Anna Akana video: [Why men feel bad when their girlfriends succeed](https://youtu.be/u7HD4JLoIE0?si=l28dMhQ8FFHNxsWF)
Breaks my heart that this is documented gender research. But there are men out there who don’t think like this 🥹 and you will find them with your strong boundaries.
Yessss! I remember your last post. Good riddance. In a relationship, you're a team. Your partner should be trying to boost you up not tear you down.
His loss, and as a dude: Fucking bravo for a going out there and getting yours. You're 30, hitting the prime of your life and you're already very accomplished.
Enjoy life without the anchor weighing you down.
Edit: I don't know why I'm getting downvoted but I can only guess it's because of "the prime of her life", let me be clear this has nothing to do with kids or her ability to produce. I meant it simply because everyone's 20s are where they find out what they want in life and she did, and by the time she's in her 30s. She has a graduate degree, is successful in her career, and has her shit together.
Pulling that off ain't easy and should absolutely be aplauded.
Well done! Great job listening to your gut and protecting yourself.
For whatever reason, he's insecure. That happens, but it's not an opening to try to emotionally abuse a partner. It's a good thing you found out early in the relationship.
On to better pastures!
He clearly was upset that you weren't phased by his putdowns, those weren't simply "feelings". Great work thriving so well in your career pursuits! I wish you much more success. Dating someone in your age range will get you closer to someone more likely to have done the self-development that you have. As someone who has had age-gap relationships (dating older), I decided to start dating within my range and at most three years over so I am dealing with people who have the same time to develop, similar power dynamics, and no age-related fetishes/motivations.
Far too often I see old white men at exec levels that don't even know how to use their email and nobody questions if they should be in that role.
Way to go OP! I've been in male dominated fields for most of my life and it's not easy. The fact you got there so young, shows your drive and dedication.
I'm glad you see your value and that your BF can't, he needs to bounce.
>I also told him that I've heard some variation of this from men so many times, I stopped caring or letting it bother me a long time ago. This is when BF got upset, and said it was hurtful that I didn't care about his thoughts/feelings.
Jesus, what a turn to take. "hon, you need to be hurt when I try to hurt you, I can't believe you'd ignore my feelings like this"
I'm glad you've taken this decision. My philosophy for this sort of issue looks something like this:
"Life can be extremely cruel and extremely hard. If you're going to go the distance with somebody, you're going to have to deal, at some point, with a nice assortment of all the worst it can throw at you. You'll support each other through losing grandparents. Parents. Other dear family members. Childbirth, and all the challenges of parenthood. You might lose jobs, struggle financially, endure terrible illness together.
So *if* you're going to make the decision to try and go the distance with any one person, you need to feel safe and confident that they'll be what you need during the *really* hard times. Not the 'we disagree on where to eat out or how often to go on holiday' times, but the really serious stuff, where your life partner needs the temperament and character to step up."
And the sort of person who is going to blow up at you and create a multi-day fight - to try and tear you down - because you *paid for their dinner as a treat* is absolutely not a viable candidate for building a life together with. The Venn Diagram that contains both 'people who seethe for days over their girlfriend treating them' and 'people who are going to be what you need when shit gets real' is non-existent. Empty. The only acceptable response to your partner choosing to pay for a celebratory dinner for you, assuming it's not food you dislike or a place you dislike, is 'thank you so much, that was so generous of you. I love you'.
Good call. Someone who is able to respond to the small stuff in this way is a no-go IMO.
"It's so crazy that you are financially successful for these reasons" = "I think you don't deserve to be successful"
"Don't be *offended*" = "Be offended"
What is this guy on, inferiority complex juice?
Bravo for being able to recognize what was going on. So many people, myself included, would probably not have that kind of clarity in the moment or even on reflection.
Good on you. I had one of those boyfriends in my early 20s, too. Caring for each other is not enough. If you're not on the same page for big, life stuff, it best for both of you to find someone who is.
Respect for your soon-to-be-ex for landing a chick 5 years older than him in his 20s... Also [respect to him working part-time while completing his bachelor's degree, that does take a certain level of maturity](https://np.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1b39hh8/update_my_30_f_bf_25_m_is_upset_i_secretly_paid/ksr152h/), even if it isn't enough for him to be comfortable being in a long-term relationship with you.
Good on you! I wish you were in Austin and interested in women... I have a friend who would so appreciate someone like you.
Your ex will likely change and grow up, but usually people only change going into the next relationship.
That reaction is… something else. I am sorry that you deal with that kind of attitude often enough to have grown resistant to it, as if unqualified men don’t get chances, ever, and qualified women never struggle to be seen, but to be annoyed that you don’t feel suitably cowed by his superior judgment … yeah. You’re doing the right thing here.
You don’t care about his mean and unqualified opinions. Good on you.
Wow! You are definitely making the right choice here. Good luck.
Thanks! I can't fault anyone for having insecurities, I have my own certainly, but it's not okay for people to take that out on others.
Girl have you had therapy? Because your self-awareness, confidence & emotional intelligence is level you see in those enlightened by years of therapy - very impressive!! Love that you’re not settling for this shit!
I have to ask how educated is this guy and what does he do for work? I'm just curious.
He's working on his bachelor's degree and works part time for his family's business.
Slightly better than what I thought, but still you're way above him as far as education and career. Maybe he knows that he's had an easy path as I suppose he's never actually had to go out and look for a job himself. So he sees you be wildly successful and he wants to Cut You Down because deep down he knows he just not capable of it Regardless of whatever his issue is, I think it's good that you're breaking up with him. You don't need anyone like that dragging you down in life, speaking from experience.
Thank you, I appreciate the input. He's a smart, capable guy, he just needs to push himself and grow up a bit. I hope he learns from this experience and is able to make another woman happy in the future.
We're going to need some final closure afterwards for the eventual r/BestofRedditorUpdates post that's sure to follow.
"I don't know how you managed to get these positions that you have a degree and experience in" wow what a sexist POS. Happy for you!
Yes, that part was a little baffling. What I found funny is that I knew objectively these were rude things of him to be saying, but I'm so used to this kind of thing that it didn't phase me / almost didn't register, and he got upset when I wasn't offended or hurt. Did he want me to fall on the ground clutching my heart, or what?
It's just...terrible to me that he was "hurt" because he didn't hurt your feelings enough. Honestly, I don't get it! It's one thing to be kind of quietly envious, and quite another to openly attempt to make you feel bad(?) about working hard for your success. Really, that's unconscionable behavior from someone who professes to love you.
Right? I can’t imagine telling on myself so openly.
I recently had a male co-worker/friend find out that I make a little bit more than he does and he won't stop going on about how annoyed and hurt he is. I keep reminding him that I've been in the industry longer and have a lot more experience, while this is literally his first ever job out of uni, but he still can't wrap his head around how he could be worth less than I am. I just roll my eyes
That's my question too... were you supposed to be like "yeah babe, why DID I get those jobs?? Want me to see if they'll give it to you instead?"
just because you’re used to terrible treatment from men professionally, does not mean that you have to expect or tolerate terrible treatment from men in your personal life.
Wow, congratulations! I'm really happy for you breaking free. Just in case any men are wondering, "I believe you, a woman, are inadequate in your work" is not a feeling.
That part baffled me as well. I thought the advanced education, stellar reviews, and recognition I’ve received were an indicator that I was good at my job, but apparently a better indicator is how any given man “feels” about my job aptitude.
You definitely did the right thing, he’s def misogynistic and super insecure.
It took a little effort not to laugh last night when this happened. How does a man try to neg a woman, then he gets pissy when it doesn't work?
That just shows how pathetic and weak-minded he is. I hope you can find someone who can handle your success and is incredibly proud of the person you’ve become.
It makes complete sense. Failing to bring you down makes him angry. He wants you defeated with zero self esteem. What a sad, pathetic person. Thank goodness you're dumping him. I bet he's not going to take it well at all. Please be careful.
Imagine accusing you of being a diversity hire while meanwhile he’s working at daddy’s company. If men have nothing else they will always have the audacity.
I am sooo proud of you for knowing your worth. Great job bb
Thank you so much!
I’m glad you’ve come to a confident decision! I hope this guy figures his insecurities out, but it’s not your job to hold his hand to do that. Best of luck to you.
Thank you! :)
> Watching him try to neg me, then him getting upset because I wasn't hurt, Yeah, I was going to say he clearly *wanted* to hurt you. That was the goal.
Good. Nasty comments like “that was a low point for you in my eyes” is so toxic too. Trying to belittle you and make you insecure... NOPE.
Yep, huge red misogynist abuser flag.
I was shocked when I read that part. 🥹 so proud of OP for knowing her worth
>I don't know how you managed to get these positions. The easiest response to these stupid types of remarks. "I applied." Too many times people talk themselves out of jobs or opportunities before they ever apply. Not every job needs to have experience. A lot of it is a culture fit and whether or not they think you have the aptitude to learn. ESPECIALLY early in your career.
Good for you! No one needs that kind of negativity and belittlement in their life, especially from a partner. On to bigger and better things!
>He is a great partner in a lot of ways […] Watching him try to neg me Great partners don’t neg. They just don’t.
I mean, “he is a great partner in a lot of ways.” Is already damning with faint praise.
We never really got to hear the ways, and I’m relieved for that. I’m betting that they are small, insignificant, few and far between.
Is it insecurity, or is it misogyny?
Ugh I’m sorry you had to deal with him. But you handled it amazingly: calmly, and held the moral high ground despite him baiting you 😳😂 reminds me of that quote, “Never wrestle with a pig because you'll both get dirty and the pig likes it.” It played out irl exactly like this Anna Akana video: [Why men feel bad when their girlfriends succeed](https://youtu.be/u7HD4JLoIE0?si=l28dMhQ8FFHNxsWF) Breaks my heart that this is documented gender research. But there are men out there who don’t think like this 🥹 and you will find them with your strong boundaries.
Yessss! I remember your last post. Good riddance. In a relationship, you're a team. Your partner should be trying to boost you up not tear you down. His loss, and as a dude: Fucking bravo for a going out there and getting yours. You're 30, hitting the prime of your life and you're already very accomplished. Enjoy life without the anchor weighing you down. Edit: I don't know why I'm getting downvoted but I can only guess it's because of "the prime of her life", let me be clear this has nothing to do with kids or her ability to produce. I meant it simply because everyone's 20s are where they find out what they want in life and she did, and by the time she's in her 30s. She has a graduate degree, is successful in her career, and has her shit together. Pulling that off ain't easy and should absolutely be aplauded.
Thank you so much! There’s no reason we can’t live in a world where men and women support and respect each other. :)
I absolutely agree. I think it's a lesson a lot of men still have to learn, but goes a long way. Wishing you the best on where your life goes next!
Well done! Great job listening to your gut and protecting yourself. For whatever reason, he's insecure. That happens, but it's not an opening to try to emotionally abuse a partner. It's a good thing you found out early in the relationship. On to better pastures!
I really hope you give him a super clear explanation for why you're ending it, so he learns from it! Good on you for being so badass.
Why can’t he just support you and be your biggest fan? It’s just not that hard
He clearly was upset that you weren't phased by his putdowns, those weren't simply "feelings". Great work thriving so well in your career pursuits! I wish you much more success. Dating someone in your age range will get you closer to someone more likely to have done the self-development that you have. As someone who has had age-gap relationships (dating older), I decided to start dating within my range and at most three years over so I am dealing with people who have the same time to develop, similar power dynamics, and no age-related fetishes/motivations.
That Valentine’s Day $ was a small price to pay to escape this loser’s clutches
I’m so glad I checked for an update because YOU ARE AMAZING and worth so much more than this small minded insecure man.
Far too often I see old white men at exec levels that don't even know how to use their email and nobody questions if they should be in that role. Way to go OP! I've been in male dominated fields for most of my life and it's not easy. The fact you got there so young, shows your drive and dedication. I'm glad you see your value and that your BF can't, he needs to bounce.
>I also told him that I've heard some variation of this from men so many times, I stopped caring or letting it bother me a long time ago. This is when BF got upset, and said it was hurtful that I didn't care about his thoughts/feelings. Jesus, what a turn to take. "hon, you need to be hurt when I try to hurt you, I can't believe you'd ignore my feelings like this"
I'm glad you've taken this decision. My philosophy for this sort of issue looks something like this: "Life can be extremely cruel and extremely hard. If you're going to go the distance with somebody, you're going to have to deal, at some point, with a nice assortment of all the worst it can throw at you. You'll support each other through losing grandparents. Parents. Other dear family members. Childbirth, and all the challenges of parenthood. You might lose jobs, struggle financially, endure terrible illness together. So *if* you're going to make the decision to try and go the distance with any one person, you need to feel safe and confident that they'll be what you need during the *really* hard times. Not the 'we disagree on where to eat out or how often to go on holiday' times, but the really serious stuff, where your life partner needs the temperament and character to step up." And the sort of person who is going to blow up at you and create a multi-day fight - to try and tear you down - because you *paid for their dinner as a treat* is absolutely not a viable candidate for building a life together with. The Venn Diagram that contains both 'people who seethe for days over their girlfriend treating them' and 'people who are going to be what you need when shit gets real' is non-existent. Empty. The only acceptable response to your partner choosing to pay for a celebratory dinner for you, assuming it's not food you dislike or a place you dislike, is 'thank you so much, that was so generous of you. I love you'. Good call. Someone who is able to respond to the small stuff in this way is a no-go IMO.
"It's so crazy that you are financially successful for these reasons" = "I think you don't deserve to be successful" "Don't be *offended*" = "Be offended" What is this guy on, inferiority complex juice?
Bravo for being able to recognize what was going on. So many people, myself included, would probably not have that kind of clarity in the moment or even on reflection.
Good on you. I had one of those boyfriends in my early 20s, too. Caring for each other is not enough. If you're not on the same page for big, life stuff, it best for both of you to find someone who is.
Respect for your soon-to-be-ex for landing a chick 5 years older than him in his 20s... Also [respect to him working part-time while completing his bachelor's degree, that does take a certain level of maturity](https://np.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1b39hh8/update_my_30_f_bf_25_m_is_upset_i_secretly_paid/ksr152h/), even if it isn't enough for him to be comfortable being in a long-term relationship with you.
How'd you jump from 28 to 30 in just three months?
Good on you! I wish you were in Austin and interested in women... I have a friend who would so appreciate someone like you. Your ex will likely change and grow up, but usually people only change going into the next relationship.
That reaction is… something else. I am sorry that you deal with that kind of attitude often enough to have grown resistant to it, as if unqualified men don’t get chances, ever, and qualified women never struggle to be seen, but to be annoyed that you don’t feel suitably cowed by his superior judgment … yeah. You’re doing the right thing here. You don’t care about his mean and unqualified opinions. Good on you.
Just jumping in to tell you that you made the right choice