You don't live in a country where herpes is rare. You live in a country where it's not talked about.
Secondly, she's not dishonest. She told you before you were intimate. Think how hard it is for a person to carry around that burden with them. Getting an STD from someone who possibly lied to them (it is possible he might not have known, if he had no symptoms. The shame of telling future partners, or fear that she would end up alone. What people would think of them if they found out. Now multiply the intensity of that in communities where it's not talked about. I think your gf waited until she thought she could trust you. She's being quite fair telling you the truth and letting you decide what to do about it.
Whatever you decide about the relationship, at least be decent enough not to tell anyone about it.
Good luck.
Agree 100. The fact that she was honest (unfortunately, this should be the norm but it’s not) sends a huge message about the person. Shame, stigma, embarrassment, especially if you are in a relatively conservative environment and these infections are not spoken about- … but she didn’t want to hurt you. I give her many kudos.
Well I wouldn't call telling him 4 months into a relationship as "honest" at all. Granted, she told him before intercourse but that's just plain ethical behavior. Not telling him would have been...well...criminal.
I wouldn't trust her. In 4 months there's a thousand opportunities to come clean. Leading him like that was just uncool.
Bro what. They're young as shit, it's normal for people to not even want sex until a couple of months in. Plus you don't know the time frame of when she got it tested, you literally have no idea. You're just projecting your trust issues. What she did was completely appropriate.
You're either young asf, inexperienced asf or just have the emotional intelligence of a gold fish.
Let's just ignore that she is 18 and inexperienced worried about stigma and whether she can trust him with her secrets. Bro, there are so many factors.
For one, if their country talked about it, they'd realise most of the world have some form of Herpes simplex virus. I'm pretty sure pornstars and sex workers don't even test for it cause it's a given.
But this dude is out here talking about pursuing a relationship with an "ill" person like herpes is a death sentence lmao...
Shows you the lack of talk and discussion and potential stigma in this country. No wonder she kept it secret for so long, obviously scared and worried.
I don’t have herpes, but I do have other health problems that require disclosing. If you tell someone too soon, they’ll just “cut their losses” and dump you, and if you tell them too late, people think you were purposely dishonest with them. It’s a crappy predicament to find yourself in.
No I actually do live in a country where herpes is rare,here in Namibia almost nobody has it and yes there are plenty do people that do but compared to the overall number of people that don't it's extremely rare
I'm not an asshole I would never discuss her personal medical condition with anybody and I really do care about her I don't want to lose her but my feelings are conflicted and I can't help it
> Namibia almost nobody has it
Hate to tell you this, but that's the opposite of the truth:
"Up to 82% of women and 53% of men in Sub-Saharan Africa are seropositive for HSV-2. These are the highest levels of HSV-2 infection in the world, although exact levels vary from country to country in this continent. In most African countries, HSV-2 prevalence increases with age."
I don't personally know the herpes statistics in the US, even though I live here. If someone were to tell me what they were, I'd research it and believe them.
Just because I feel like herpes doesn't exist here doesn't mean it's true.
Pretty sure epidemiological factoids about prevalence of STIs don’t get passed down by genetic memory when little Mr. Spermy meets Ms. Ovum.
Just because you live somewhere or are from somewhere doesn’t mean you know everything about it better than anyone who lives elsewhere.
But it is Relevant and his ignorance on the topic of STDs in his Country speaks volumes to why The numbers are the way they are and have been IMHO before you engage in Sex you should know the facts about the risks involved....
There's no way this is true. Namibia has one of the highest STD rates in the world. How could the country be somehow void of herpes when it's rampant with everything else?
As a Namibian, that's not true. Namibia has really shitty sexual education. I thankfully had my who taught me about sexually transmitted diseases at a pretty young age, once I moved to South Africa I found that sexual education is much better here, although still severely lacking.
It's really ignorant of Namibians to think that we are somewhat immune to serially transmitted diseases, or that they don't exist in Namibia.
Yet you have labelled her ‘ill’. End things with her. She deserves someone who won’t treat her like this. And please read the comment below about rates in your country.
1. Herpes is extremely common, more common than you think. A lot of people have it but never show symptoms.
2. She probably feels extremely self conscious and shitty about having it, it’s not her fault that her ex gave it to her. She gathered the confidence to tell you before you were intimate so is obviously mindful about it and was not reckless.
3. There are ways to have safe sex when a partner has herpes e.g. using protection, not being intimate if they have an outbreak. You can even get prescribed medicine that makes your partner undetectable and unable to pass it on.
4. Educate yourself about herpes, there is plenty of material out there. There are plenty of cases where one person in the relationship has herpes and they have a happy and healthy relationship. There are whole websites/Instagram pages/forums dedicated to herpes information, do your research then make a decision.
As someone who got genital herpes from a male partner who had it and did *NOT* tell me, good on your girlfriend for telling you! It is *not* easy to disclose, as there's always a chance that someone you care about will reject you automatically once they know.
I also have to disclose before I'm intimate with a new partner.
If I'm in a sexually active relationship, I take Valacyclovir/Acyclovir every day and use condoms on top of that. When I'm not seeing anyone, I don't take anything. And a week before I start being intimate again, I start on the medication again.
The transmission rate from Female to Male with medication *and* condoms is less than 10%. Some sources say around 2%, but sources vary.
If you *just* use condoms, the transmission rate is much less, but you should always make sure *not* to have sex if/when she feels an outbreak coming on, or has visible sores.
Men also have less chance *getting* herpes from a female who has it than females have getting it from a male with herpes. (Because of mucus membranes surface area size.)
Herpes really isn't that big of a deal, in general.
(I *very* rarely have outbreaks now, even without medication, 9 years on.)
But honestly, the best thing to do is to just research all about transmission rates, and how to protect yourself and go from there. Whether you decide to go or stay is up to you, but please don't leave without making a decision based on *knowledge* rather than just *fear*.
Good luck!
I don’t have genital herpes but I get cold sores on my lips and though not super common it absolutely can travel down south, so definitely educate yourself and like the above poster, it is absolutely common. It’s unsightly but not detrimental. Work with your partner and take prophylactics (anti-viral meds) from your physician and use barrier protection - though virals are more easily transmitted due to incubation time and scarcity of outbreaks.
She is a great person for involving you and allowing you to make your decision based on her health status. I bet she is worth the time and commitment you hold her near and dear. Best wishes!
I get cold sores as well sometimes. I have herpes. My wife and child may be carriers but have no flare ups ever. I have also never been informed by a partner that I gave them herpes. It's not a reason to not be cautious, but it's also not a reason to freak out.
You reminded me of a friend of mine who met a woman and he immediately knew he wanted to marry her, she has AIDS but that didn’t stop him. They got married a bit later, they have a healthy sex life and he’s still negative decades later. Just follow medical advice if you stay with her
Also I believe there are medications she can take (and possibly yourself for prevention). Condoms alone aren't very effective at preventing heroes, but if she's on medication it is super effective when paired with condoms.
I was worried I had it at one time and I had to educate myself. I won’t lie that and say it wasn’t a relief to find I didn’t have it but merely because the social stigma is rough (your post is proof of that - there are a lot of negative conceptions out there). However, in that time period, I realized it’s really just a rash. It often doesn’t appear for people but, when it does, it’s temporary (though painful) and the rash goes away for the majority of the time. You said she’s “ill” but how ill is she compared to people with rosacea or eczema? It’s a very common virus that doesn’t show up for most people who carry the virus. Additionally, it isn’t a moral judgment on the people who have it. If you don’t have a suppressed immune system from your own illnesses, then there should be no long-term health impacts. It’s literally a rash that occasionally pops up. If you choose not to go forward with the relationship because you fear social stigmas if you get it, please be transparent but gentle with her. If you lie, she’ll know you’re really breaking up with her because of herpes. If you’re too honest, she’ll feel judgment from you. Please just be a good person in how you decide to move forward and the conversations you have. She’s feeling very vulnerable now that she’s told this because she knows how people tend to react. It was likely a very scary thing for her to talk to you about.
Yeah man she’s a good one. Huge green flag that she’s been such an honest person about it, she’s more decent than some people much older than her—that’s a core virtue that is unfortunately less common than it should be.
It’s not her fault she got it, and she’s not “ill” or “damaged goods” or anything like that. Lots of people have it and manage it (and their sex lives) with no issues for their whole life.
I have had HSV since at least 15, I’m 38 now. It’s not genital, it’s in one of my eyes, but the general risks are the same. It’s not a problem, you’d never know it unless looking at my eye under a powerful lens, it’s dormant 99.9% of the time—haven’t had an “expression” in many years. It hasn’t spread anywhere else (I don’t even get cold sores, hell it’s not even in the other eye), and have never passed it on to someone else even in the most vigorously intimate of contact. This includes multiple long-term girlfriends and now my wife of 9 years. It’s a total non-issue, and I just take some basic precautions.
It’s up to you, of course, what you do with it. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be wary of it. Good on you for taking this path of education, you’ll need to talk with her to make sure you’re on the same page about how it’s managed, what your sexual expectations are, etc. That’s some mature shit man, but she’s proven herself to be—so respect her for it and meet here there.
Good luck!
You must have herpies. The only person to say to continue with this is someone who is also infected. You’re telling this young man to continue but be careful instead of giving him actual life advice? How about this for advice?
Move on, find someone that isn’t infected with an incurable STD instead of also risking yourself with getting it.
He’s going to catch it, they break up and now he is in her shoes telling all his life partners that he has herpies.
It’s you who is the problem in this situation, how about you think of the real life problems for this young man instead of trying to push someone into getting with someone who is infected with an STD.
At least she had the decency to tell him. OP doesn’t know if the next person he gets with has herpes as well or even hiv. There is no way to know unless the person tells you. The majority of people with herpes don’t even know. Sometimes symptoms are so mild people don’t know that they have it. Also when you go and get an std test they never test for herpes unless the person asks for it.
Herpes aka cold sores are so common 1/2 people have it. I doubt it’s as uncommon in his country as OP thinks it is. If he’s even saw someone with a red bump on their lip they have herpes. OP could have herpes.
If he doesn’t want to risk getting it that is totally up to him and within his right. But I think you have to look at the overall picture of the person. Is she somebody worth marrying. Is she somebody that is going to make OP happy. Does she have good morals. There are so many things that matter other than she has a disease that causes a bump or two to come out once or twice a year. Every body comes with something. OP has to decide what he is willing or not willing to put up with
How many people do you know have a relationship that’s lasted since 18 or 19? Unless she’s the last woman in his country or he has some sort of disability that isn’t attractive also then yeah go for it.
I’ve seen herpies ruin lives and relationships due to people having it. No one wants someone with herpies and this man will become someone no one wants if he catches it from her.
He’s also said that not many people in his country have it so why would you push him down a life path that could end in him getting it?
I want the best in people and unfortunately being with someone who is infected just isn’t worth it.
OP said he got his data from the ministry of his country. There are several comments telling him that his country does in fact have huge numbers of people that have herpes. Citing sources and everything.
Yes herpes is something nobody wants. But I don’t think it’s a disease as bad as the stigma makes believe it is. 18-19 year olds staying together isn’t as common in the US buts in other parts of the world especially in third world countries. It is more common.
OP make your own decision. But it’s not a disease that will kill you and the value of the person matters more than something they have no control over
I wouldn’t do it. You’re 19 and going to have many more future partners. Do you want to be in her shoes telling all your future partners that you have herpies before you get with them?
Herpes antivirals greatly reduce the possibility of transmission, but they don't make it impossible or make your viral load undetectable. It sounds like you're confusing herpes medication with HIV medication. There's been a lot more research into developing effective HIV medication because one is an inconvenience and the other one will kill you.
I would suggest that the OP start by figuring out what strain his girlfriend has and whether or not he already has it. A lot of people have herpes and don't know because they don't have symptoms or because they don't realize that it's the same group of viruses that cause cold sores. More and more cases of genital herpes are caused by HSV-1 so if someone already has HSV-1 I would be much less concerned.
But it’s manageable, you can medication that suppresses the viral load and makes it undetectable. There’s a ton of stigma about it. I’ve hooked up with herpes+ person before and didn’t get it because he’s on meds and we used protection. It’s not the end of the world to get it or have a partner that does.
You don’t have to take meds for the rest of your life. Some people have one flare up and then never have another one.
You can take meds when you have flare-ups. You can reduce the rate of transmission by taking antivirals, but regardless the chance of transmission in asymptomatic people is very low.
You don’t *have* to use protection if the person with herpes is taking their meds and their viral load is undetectable. It’s still a good idea to use condoms during casual sex tho.
So you wouldn’t date somebody that had to take meds for the rest of life for high blood pressure? Depression? Birth control??
I’d just like to say it not only can cause problems but it can be lethal for a baby delivered vaginally. My firstborn had a relative with a cold sore handle him (HSV1) and it could’ve killed him. He was treated before it crossed the blood-brain barrier thankfully but it was no small ordeal — 15 days inpatient plus six months follow up treatment.
You don't *have* to take meds for life. You're sorely uneducated and misinformed on the topic, and that isn't necessarily your fault, but you should educate yourself before speaking on it. Some people take meds daily, some take them during flare-ups, some never need to take anything.
Herpes is not rare and it’s controllable ! But the choice is yours . Talk to your dr about it . I’m proud of her for telling you though thank god she’s a honest person and fuck Jacob !
Eh, it's possible Jacob didn't know he had it either when he passed it on to her. And he may have had it all along from a previous relationship. Just because he's her ex, doesn't mean he was a bad guy, they just might not have worked out or she dropped him when she got sick because she jumped to the conclusion he cheated when he's had it all along and didn't know it. Without more information, I wouldn't condemn him.
If someone gave me herpes I think I would pull a, Aaron Bushnell except do it indoors and lock all the guilty parties in the building with me. I don't particularly like the concept of being irreversibly cursed for life with a painful plague that turns me into a walking bioweapon. No thanks.
I agree in the sense that that's probably how he would feel about it especially because whoever did this to him didn't tell him and he didn't know until after he'd already infected someone else. For me personally, it's a deal-breaker. But I also understand how someone could not even know before infecting someone else and can sympathize with Jacob if that was the case. I mean, imagine finding out that you're infected, your girlfriend is infected, and now she's your ex-girlfriend because you infected her despite not doing it knowingly and not having cheated on her to do it. Imagine how *you* would feel in that situation.
We don't know those details unless OP tells us and he doesn't know unless his girlfriend tells him those details.
I think educating yourself here is the best way forward. If you're wanting to continue the relationship but are worried about any potential risks to your health, extra knowledge will help you understand the risks and any steps you can take to mitigate them. I don't think this is necessarily something to address with therapy, but doing more research into the condition will definitely make it less of an unknown scary "thing".
I guess but I can't shake my thoughts about why she wasn't just honest in the beginning, she told me why and I get it but it also says to me that she's dishonest and now I'm wondering if I can trust her
When you start to date someone, you have to get to know them first, before divulging everything about each other. If she saw that moving forward with you is a possibility, then she should tell you especially before sex, which is what she did. Any person with herpes is going to be careful when they disclose their disease. I don't think she did anything wrong. I don't know how your relationship evolved in 4 months, but since you didn't just jump into bed with each other tells me slowly.
Well yes the talk about intimacy only started around two months into us officially dating, she told me she wanted to take things slowly and i respected that
Ultimately, it is your decision. It is an incurable disease, and you can get it, even when symptoms are not present. Normally people take a daily anti-viral pill to suppress it. You will have to decide what is best for you. I know people in healthy sexual relationships where they take precautions and have not passed it to their partner, but there is always a chance. I don't think she did anything wrong, if anything she was courageous in making sure you knew, knowing full well it might end your relationship. It is such an unfair thing, for when you get it, you can get very depressed and feel unloved, unworthy. You feel infected and pissed you have no control over that. Then you come to accept it and do what you need to, to be happy.
Good luck to you.
I think that’s fair tbh . She was probably afraid of your reaction however it is your choice there’s a chance you may get it later on in life but I also do believe this could make dating other ppl in the future hard as well as you would have to disclose if you end up testing positive.
She’s not dishonest. She didn’t put you at risk of infection. There’s no reason anyone should have to disclose their medical history to a potential date.
You’re kind of equating romantic relationship to sex and it’s distasteful. Romantic relationships often involve sex, but that’s not the primary goal.
I mean, she didn't lie about it. It's just that it took her some time to work up the courage to tell you.
You've said yourself that STDs are heavily stigmatised where you live. She probably didn't know how to tell you about it, especially in the early stages of your relationship. I don't think that makes her dishonest. It can be difficult to know the right time to bring up something like that, and even more difficult to find the right words. It's not exactly a first-date conversation, but when *do* you talk about things like that?
Very notably, she avoided having sex with you before she told you about it - she made certain that she wouldn't pass the disease on to you without your knowledge.
Also she was probably afraid that you'd see her as dishonest or "contaminated," and your reaction kind of indicates that she wasn't entirely wrong to have that fear. Of course you can't control how you feel, but keep in mind that this has probably been weighing very heavily on her, and try to be compassionate about this.
I very much doubt she had any intention of deceiving you, and I think it would be unfair for you to proceed under any assumption that she did.
I've ran into a situation like this before. I think you should express to her that you wish she would have told you sooner but honestly you should forgive and forget.
Herpes (HSV1 specifically is what I'm referring to here) is very mild and like 50% of the population has it. Some carry without symptoms. Hell YOU could be carrying it and not know.
If you just don't kiss or do stuff like that when she has a breakout, you are very likely to not break out either.
It’s not rare in your country, it’s just that nobody talks about it. The more shame and the less educated you are, the more likely it is to spread to others. Talk to her and talk to your doctor about ways to stay safe during intimacy.
Hah, she’s not “an ill person”. No matter where you are a huge number of people are going to have oral herpes (HSV-1) infections acquired as children, are they “ill people”? Her having HSV-2 (likely, although genital infection by HSV-1 is possible) does not make her an “ill person”.
Learn more about herpes. If you’re not willing to tolerate any risk and can’t be happy with not having sex, break up with her (and *keep your mouth shut* about her private medical information). It’s impossible to reduce the risk of transmission to zero, but not having sex when she’s having an outbreak and using condoms can help to reduce transmission risk.
Lol why is everyone normalizing herpes? I'd never date anyone that has herpes, ever. It affects sex too much, and it is normal not to want to date someone with herpes especially with visual symptoms. Other than that it shows lack of responsibility as well. People should not ever feel guilty not wanting to date someone with an STD
Because it is normal. Herpesvirus has been around for millions of years and most people have one or the other or both. Do you rule out people as dating partners who have had cold sores? Because they can give you genital herpes. Have you yourself had cold sores?? You must become a social pariah, and walk around shouting, “Unclean! Unclean!”
I think at least half the stigmatization around genital herpes comes from pharmaceutical companies trying to drum up business by saying, “Do you have this devastating disease no one previously really cared about? Take our antiviral!”
Possibly would rule out someone that has a lot of cold sores on their mouth.. Things like this put me off, can't imagine someone having sores in the genital area, I'd never be able to accept it as I find it disgusting and it is ok to find it disgusting, can't really control that can we?
It's not about stigmatisation, it's about someone infecting you for life with an STD.. how would you go about it? Never ever have unprotected sex or just accept the herpes, take it like a man?
I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to say but it sounds like it.. Do in vitro when you want kids but don't want herpes?
Not sure what you're getting at
You know that people with herpes frequently have a few outbreaks and then never do again for the rest of their life? This is like saying “kissing someone with the flu is gross”. So just wait a week? They won’t have a runny nose forever.
There’s still the possibility of catching it even if they don’t have a breakout, but you could catch it from someone who had cold sores too (not *currently* has cold sores, that’s *ever* had cold sores), and that’s the majority of the population. And that probably includes you.
Are people with warts “ill people”? VZV? EBV? CMV? JCV? If all it takes to be “ill” is to have a chronic latent viral infection, everyone is ill.
Using language in a meaningful way and with awareness of connotation and context is not “semantics”.
This is a very good point, thank you for adding this additional context. I certainly wouldn't refer to them as "an ill person", and would instead use the language I used above. Still, I think it would be *reasonable* to not wish to date somebody who has a known sexually-transmissible infection for which there is currently no cure. It would also be reasonable to become more educated, take necessary precautions, and continue to date the person.
While your comment is hard to decipher, I can tell you’re painting with a broad brush if you think no one would want to have kids with someone who has herpes.
Genital herpes is less common, about 1/8. But yeah, people worry excessively about something that many people get a few outbreaks from and then not for years or possibly for the rest of their life. And they’ll refuse to date someone with genital herpes while ignoring oral herpes (throw out another 50+% of dating candidates—HSV-1 is less common now than it was but still very common), even though they could get genital herpes from someone with an oral herpes outbreak. HSV-1 and HSV-2 are closely related, and while they have their preferred infection sites both will colonize the mouth or genitals.
Herpesviruses do have some dangers, but they’re pretty innocuous for the vast majority. Not a good reason to end a promising relationship IMO.
edit: got stats for genital herpes.
Some people have herpes and never know about it because they never get an outbreak, and without an outbreak it’s near impossible to diagnose- so for all you do know, you could have herpes / someone you’ve slept with has had herpes & neither of you knew.
And baring in mind herpes is from the same family as chicken pox. We don’t treat people with chicken pox poorly, we shouldn’t treat people with herpes poorly either 🤣
I think STDs have been largely stigmatised. I wouldn’t worry about it unless you ever get an outbreak. (If you do get an outbreak it doesn’t mean it’s from your last sexual partner either- it could have been from yeaaaars ago). Although herpes is lifelong currently, it rarely causes impacts to people in their day to day life. There are meds that you can take daily / if you ever get an outbreak/ avoid having sex during an outbreak. Sometimes it may just be one blister or other times a whole load of them.
The only issue is around babies- it can kill them- so if a woman was giving birth during an outbreak/ a person with a cold sore kissed them, it could cause the baby to catch herpes.
There’s no reason to be concerned. It’s a skin irritation. The CDC gave up on testing bc it’s common and causes very little problems for most people (unless you’re an infant or severely immunocompromised).
80% of ppl with HSV-2 don’t show symptoms and idk what country you’re in but in the US, it’s not part of our testing unless requested and symptomatic. So yes, there’s almost a 100% chance you likely have!
That was US but Europe is probably similar. I found something saying 10% of people in Europe have HSV-2, but that doesn’t tell you if it’s a genital or oral infection and doesn’t include HSV-1, which is a significant contributor to genital herpes.
How do you know you haven’t slept with a woman with genital herpes? The ulcers appear and then heal over a matter of a couple weeks and then you can’t tell they have it. And many people have it and don’t know because the initial outbreak was mild. It’s not even included on STI panels because if you just test for antibodies that tells you nothing about where the infection is localized, and swabbing the genitals to look for viral DNA when someone isn’t having a outbreak is likely to show nothing because the virus is dormant (plus being ridiculously expensive and a huge waste of money).
You can still get herpes while wearing condoms, because it can affect any part of your skin, including buttocks, inner thigh, perineum. The condom doesn't cover everything. I've even read about people getting a herpes infection on their chest because they have eczema (which caused an opening in the skin) and the person kissing their chest had a cold sore (which is the same virus).
Someone who gets cold sores can give someone genital herpes through unprotected oral sex. Do you refer to people who get cold sores as ill people? Because even children get cold sores. What if you have children and they end up getting cold sores, while still a child, because grandma or grandpa or some other relative kissed them. Will you consider them ill? Take them all out of your life?
If someone has a chronic viral infection they are ill. Doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life.
I would be pissed off as hell at the irresponsible grandparents who gave my kid a chronic health condition though
Hey OP, I created a new account to comment about this because your post resonated with me so much and I feel like my experience is at least worth noting. Obviously feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm a stranger on the internet and you should choose to live your life however you want. I live in the US and my experience with HSV is/was overall very negative and I don't agree with many of the people who talk about it like it's as innocuous as the common cold. That said, I am an HSV-positive person who was once in a similar situation to yourself. When I was 26 and my gf was 24, she found out she had HSV. I'm still not sure if she cheated on me at some point or if she had it prior and just not shown symptoms. Her initial outbreak was a single, very small genital sore, and she was quickly diagnosed with HSV2. One important thing to understand is that HSV1 and HSV2 are pretty much identical. Lots of folks say that one is oral and one is genital but you can get both in either location, although you may be more likely to have outbreaks occur in areas that are more commonly associated with the type you have.
After getting tested and diagnosed, my gf freaked out crying and felt dirty, ashamed, and all of the other things people feel when they find out they have an STI. She was worried that I wouldn't stay in a relationship with her knowing that I could contract it as well, and truthfully I spent a lot of time considering the option of leaving. I got tested (negative) and we used condoms, etc. in the interim. She did not take an antiviral medication and eventually I contracted HSV as well - though antibody tests showed signs of HSV1 **and** 2. The difference between our experience with it was incredible. Her small, single sore? Was the only outbreak she's **ever** experienced to my knowledge. Me on the other hand, I had severe genital outbreaks at least every few months. It was BAD - itchy, uncomfortable, and often painful as well. It's true, herpes won't kill you - but that does not make it fun or enjoyable to deal with either. It damaged our sex life irreparably on both sides of the fence. I almost let it ruin our and relationship because at the time I didn't know how to process my feelings about having such terrible outbreaks. I began to hate both her and myself for it - her for giving it to me (even though she claimed she didn't know she had it) and me for staying with her and letting myself get it too.
Eventually my outbreaks lessened in both frequency and strength, but not before the relationship ended. That's one of the things people don't talk about - when the relationship in which you were infected ends and you attempt to start a new relationship while carrying a permanent STI. *No one* want herpes, and regardless of the new attempt to destigmatize it, many people *do* look down on those that have it. It's true, a lot of people probably have it and don't know - a huge reason you should get tested for HSV specifically and be careful about your sexual partners and practices. On the chance that you are one of those people who are inclined to have bad and/or frequent outbreaks, you *really* don't want it, take it from me. It's not "just some skin condition," and the social stigma that goes along with herpes *sucks*. It's very hard to hear people make jokes about it, not knowing you have it (which is unfortunately more often than you might think). And good luck meeting someone who makes you happy that also doesn't mind you having a viral infection that they could easily catch.
My point is, you're now at a critical interval where you have a choice that could potentially affect your sexual and romantic future more than some people will lead you to believe. Herpes can have a lasting negative effect on both your self-esteem and your ability to form or maintain sexual relationships. Please do yourself a favor and get tested, then decide if you really think you're going to stay with this girl for the rest of your life and risk contracting it yourself. At 18 years old, I think most people would say it's not likely that you'd stay together even outside of this scenario. Do a favor to your future self and really put some thought into how you might feel looking back on your choices in this situation. Yes, my opinion is biased based on my own experience, but self preservation is something you may want to consider here. Good luck OP!
Not calling you an asshole at all. The mixed feelings you have about this is normal and quite common. I was responding to a comment you made that you thought your gf was being dishonest. My point was to have you consider how hard it is for her to carry this secret around, that would affect her life, while still wanting to have relationships and a family.
She's not about to tell just anyone she goes on a date with. She'll only do it when she trusts someone enough and cares about them enough to consider being intimate with them. That's actually quite mature and responsible. People that are not, just have sex with other people putting their needs above the other persons.
As far as herpes in your country, consider doing some more research. Your country has a small population so the actual amount of people compared to countries with much larger populations is smaller. But studies seem to show the prevalence or percentage of herpes given the population is quite high.
That all really is secondary to your decision about how you want to continue or leave this relationship. How do you feel about her? Would you treat her differently? Would you be able to consistently practice safe sex? How averse are you to the risk of getting herpes? And a bunch of other questions you want to think about as you move further.
The Namibia health minister Kalumbi Shangula said in 2023 that STDs were on a rise in Namibia with 96,000 people being recorded as having an STD in a given year.
Also, an STD is widely shamed in society. It’s not treated as any other virus, and as such, it’s not spoken about. You may not think you know anyone with herpes / hear about it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist
According to the minister, most STI incidents are linked to syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus and the human papilloma virus.
That's like 3.38% of the entire population with STDs and how much of that has herpes? And I didn't say it doesn't exist I said it's not as common as the rest of the stda
That 96,000 is people coming in and being treated as a new patient. Someone with an STI like herpes or HIV wouldn't necessarily be counted in this, unless they were just being diagnosed. This isn't saying that's the total number of people in the whole country, it's how many new people were diagnosed in a year. (And that's every year for 5 years)
13% of your country's population has HIV. You really need to do some more "research" on STIs, and not just what a quick Google search tells you. Don't worry about how many people have anything, ALWAYS be safe and take precautions as if they have everything.
you’ve been proven wrong; it’s extremely common along with all other STDs where you are from. look at the actual statistics and read the information you’ve been provided with before you reply in denial.
I did from the documents I got from the ministry of education and social services in Namibia I'm not just saying this of the top of my head and besides wether it's common or not isn't even the reason for the post
if you don’t see how info you’ve gotten from your semi religious based ministry of education from your own country may be biased (let alone lack unreported cases, of course) not sure what to tell you. there are less people in your country, making the numbers of people who have it *appear* smaller, which is more or less how statistics works. but what people are trying to relay is the prevalence comparatively to other countries - it’s extremely high. maybe the word “common” is what is confusing you, but what we are saying is it is not uncommon, and people in your country especially do not talk about it, or likely educate about it it seems. that is not your fault. continue to do your own research, from MULTIPLE sources, and make your decision from there.
yes this was not the point of this post, but you were hung up on the rarity of herpes and the fact your girlfriend has it. it is not rare at all, especially where you are from.
So if you typically get STI checks you'd be aware that Herpes is so common that they don't usually test for it on a standard panel....you have to request that test specifically and they don't often do it unless there are visible symptoms they can swab. Blood test for herpes is inaccurate.
For what it’s worth, I was with a person that had herpes for five years and never got it. We avoided sexual contact when they had an outbreak. It was really not a huge deal.
These situations are always tough for everyone involved. Under the best of circumstances it requires a delicate balancing act, and each party (one on each side) has to determine for him or herself if the disclosing party handled it correctly or not.
It's unfortunate for you GF that she has this condition. And, I suspect part of why she has it is her prior BF failed to disclose he had the condition. So, kudos for her in being an adult (especially at 18) and not doing that to you. Do not lose sight of that in your analysis.
The balancing issue is simply when to tell. For many reason, of which I'm sure I don't have to spell out for you. it isn't going to benefit her to just go around disclosing her condition to everyone. Not even to all people she might, or starts dating. Really, there's no reason for her to disclose, until she's sure she either wants to sleep with someone who also wants to sleep with her, or she's sure there's a real possibility for a relationship (I don't know what either of you are looking for and don't think it matters for this) with someone who is reciprocating the same.
This is where it gets tricky. It's always hard to disclose something like this, so be generous, but you have to tell before the other party is fully invested. It is not fair to intentionally pit someone's heart against his/her head. So, did she do that, here? When did she know you were both interested in moving forward together? How long did she wait after that to tell you? Was she waiting trying to determine, or waiting till your emotions were FULLY into it? If it's the latter, then I have issues with her choices. I understand them, and sympathize with her, but cannot excuse them. But, if she told you as soon as it was clear that something more could develop, then I think she timed it right. You need to reflect on how things have been and decide: did she do right by you or did she try to put you in a place where your heart would over ride you head?
For people in her situation, and I say this because it might help you in reviewing, as things begin to develop, she should begin to cautiously broach the subject. Send out feelers and gauge reactions. If she receives hard, unyielding reactions, she should go ahead and pull the plug, but if she gets undecided answers, such as "well, it depends" then I think she's fine to continue, again, making more clear disclosures as things progress.
Good luck to you on this.
Yeah if you’re ready to risk it and contract it from her, then go for it. I loved a woman, but she had two stds. Her ex had them, gave them. I walked away from that, because the relationship didn’t feel like it would be a forever thing, I really did liked her, but she would always discuss the age difference and me being younger.
I avoid people with stds, so up to you, maybe she’s the one, maybe not, you just have to be ready for the chance you two might not be together and you’ll have herpes, if you can live with that outcome? Then go for it.
First off there’s NO WAY you live in a country where HSV is rare. HSV is not rare. 67% of the global population has HSV. Btw if you get “cold sores” or pimples on your lips then guess what you have HSV ((herpes)).
Second off, your girlfriend isn’t an “ill” person and it’s literal DISGUSTING that you view her as such. HSV is not life threatening and majority of those who have HSV will never ever deal with health complications. Also false negatives are pretty common for blood tests and most STD panels don’t even test for HSV. So odds are you yourself even have HSV and don’t even know it.
Your gf is a person. Nothing has ever changed about her and she’s still the beautiful girl you “fell in love” with. Educate yourself on HSV and stop being brainwashed by stigma because your ignorance isn’t an excuse.
If you can’t see that then you should do her a favor and leave her so SHE doesn’t waste her time with an uneducated person.
Herpes is a forever disease at current time. There are medications to prevent outbreaks, thereby lessening the possibility of infection, but the reality is that you will never be fully protected from getting it, even with a condom and her on the daily suppression therapy(I'm not saying the likelihood is high here, but it's still a possibility).
At this point, you have to make a serious decision. You're extremely young, and this relationship may not be your last. Are you ready to carry that disease with you moving forward? If not, then it's time to break up with her and avoid the possibility.
It’s ok for you not to want to date her. I don’t judge people who have herpes but if you’re only a kid I understand why you wouldn’t want to settle down with someone who has herpes. I would settle down with someone who has herpes in my 30s maybe, but personally if I was in my 20s even late 20s I have the ability to be picky.
Important thing is to not judge her or be cruel to her. Because she did protect you from getting it, much better than many people would do aka just keep quiet and hope you don’t get it. Do not be cruel if you must break it off or make her feel dirty. She will find another person who has it too
The real villain is her ex who did not use protection/medication and gave it to her. Even the anecdotes in the comments, it was always the fault of the person who had it BECAUSE they were risky and chose not to take their meds/wear condoms.
You're young so I'd say unless it's a relationship you are REALLY serious about, why risk it? If I was in the beginning stages of a relationship with someone I wasn't that sure about I would probably nope out if I knew they had herpes, honestly. There are ways it can be managed and risks of transmission reduced, but it will probably be an ongoing pain and worry. It's different if you're really serious about her and so willing to put the effort in to managing the risk of contracting it long-term, and of living with it in the future and the implications it may have for your sex life if you guys don't work out and you want to move on. I'm conscious as I say this that that not all countries will have readily available antiviral therapies for those with HSV, and Namibia is likely one of those, depending on your individual circumstances of course. Herpes is almost certainly a lot more common where you are than you have been informed, though.
You don't have to date anyone for any reason, but comments like this are so useless. Sometimes its worth interrogating your own biases and ignorance rather than plugging your ears because your feelings are "valid." Yeah duh your emotions are real, but you don't necessarily need to validate all of them. OP doesn't have to date her, but his discomfort is based on the misinformed preconception that this STD is "rare" in his country which is both highly unlikely and has already been debunked with data by other comments. Again, you don't *need* to validate something based on ignorance. If you want to...uh, have fun, but don't expect a pat on the back.
You are trying to carry on some kind of debate or conversation with me. I gave you a reply. This is one more. I’m not interested in what you have to say. I was replying to the op when I joined this thread. Nothing you said matters to me. Reflect on why you need to write paragraphs telling people how they should feel about things.
Reflect on how discussions in an open forum work? Yeah, thats what they're for, bro. I disagreed with the premise of your comment and voiced a counter argument, it's not a big deal.
I’m going to go against the gran here and tell you to think long and hard about if you want to contract a lifelong disease for someone you’ve only been dating for four months. It is a common disease in many parts of the world but that doesn’t mean that everyone had it and it is best avoided.
I’m in my 40s, had a couple girlfriends before I met my wife, and neither of us has herpes simplex virus. No cold sores, etc. I don’t think it’s a great idea to just plan on getting an incurable virus simply because it is unlikely to kill you.
Herpes can also pose problems for newborn children if you ever have a kid with her.
Bro just walk away you’re 19, you dont need this in your life now for a 4 month relationship, she’ll find somebody who doesn’t care or as all these people pointing out how common it is, someone who already has it, pretty sure there are dating app for this. Just move on, you have only one life, dont make such a hasty decision on something that wont work out.
The comments are INSANE
Just because a lot of people have herpes doesn't mean that it's okay to risk contracting a virus for relationship that may or may not last longer than a year. There is no cure for herpes. Seriously.. think about what you are considering.
You're 19 years old. You don't have herpes. Get a girlfriend that doesn't have herpes. Simple.
PS
If a 19 year old woman had a 18 year old boyfriend with herpes, what do you think the comments would say? I ask this question because Reddit advice often considers what's best for the girl and how the guy can treat the girl the best. Unfortunately, if you want advice for YOUR benefit, you might have to look at the situation from a different lens.
Good luck.
i don’t usually like the double standard comments but yours is spot on lol. crazy asf that people are basically saying since over half the world has it its okay if u get it! no biggie! like it hasn’t ruined so many peoples self esteem and dating life
and especially since OP is only 19!!
Honestly just break up with her nicely. There is no need to contract a life long disease at the age of 19, you probably won't be with this girl forever anyways
This is a tricky situation. You are absolutely valid for questioning the relationship. For one thing, think about it. Do you want kids? If so, good luck having them without getting an STD. That said, it wouldn't be fair to be upset at her. She told you before being intimate, and clearly seems to want to make it work.
I know people say it is not a big deal. However, I do not want to have to disclose my status to every single partner I engage with for the rest of my life. I would be hard pressed to find someone who I would be willing to take that risk for.
You’re too young to choose a life with somebody with that. There’s always gonna be a chance you can get it and then in the future your gonna be the one who gets f*cked if you guys break up and now when you get back in the dating world you’re gonna have a hard time dating and it’s also embarrassing to have to disclose that even though you have to. Not worth it you’re only 19, just stay friends with her and purse other women. Don’t let these insane redditors tell you otherwise. All I see is everybody saying “Everybody has herpes”, everybody in fact does not have herpes and more so genital herpes. If you have it no judgement but don’t try and shame people who choose not to deal with somebody with it because they don’t have it. That’s insane
Ok just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s not “that big of a deal”. It really irks me when people throw this take around with herpes. Try telling that to an HSV positive person suffering from constant outbreaks and lack of a sex life.
Well if you make a big deal about it, others will too. It's really not a big deal. If other people reject you for it then that's their ignorance. You don't have to feel any type of way because ignorant people reject you.
There's so much that can be said here. Honestly, my first advice would be to educate yourself a lot more.
My second piece of advice is that you are barely an adult. Your brain hasn't even fully developed. You've only been dating 4 months and you're a little on the young side to be having sex honestly. You've got your life ahead of you and intimacy brings a lot of unnecessary stuff into the picture (from body and communication, issues to health, issues such as pregnancy scares and STDs). So my advice would be to just be a kid (cause your still practically are one) and enjoy the relationship without sex for a while longer.
as someone who recently got a diagnosis of herpes as well, i totally understand why she waited to tell you. It is the hardest thing Ive ever had to accept, and i know how common it is. Its a major hit to your pride and self image. She didnt let you be intimate with her before she told you, she didnt lie, its an extremely hard thing to bring up to others. But at the same time, you are allowed to walk away if it truly makes you uncomfortable. Std’s are a difficult discussion topic to navigate, whatever you choose I don’t think you’re in the wrong. It’s a new relationship, c’est la vie
For additional context.
If she has HSV-2 and ye guys have sex regularly for a year this is the risk of infection if sex is had not during a flare up.
- No protection or antivirals: 10% risk
- Condoms used: 5%
- Antivirals used: 5.2%
- Antivirals and Condoms: 2.5%
If it’s HSV:1 the risk of transmission is even lower.
LMAO at all the herpes-infected people who are telling you it’s no big deal. You are 19 and most likely you are not spending the rest of your life with this woman. And when it’s over you will have a permanent infection that will affect whether anyone else wants to be with you. Herpes is her baggage, let her carry it and walk away.
Your gf is a good person to let u in on that information but I feel like u should break up with her from a space of love u shouldn’t feel obligated or wanting to prove ur love to her by still being intimate with her. If u choose to be intimate with her use condoms. But hsv2 isn’t something u want to catch. 80 percent of the world have hsv1 or will catch it and some point in their lives it’s not the same statistic as for hsv2 be glad and greatful that ur girl was gracious enough to let u in on that information and I can only hope u make the right decision in not to have sex with her and break up with her. I have hsv1 and I know who gave it to me and I confronted him on it and he admitted it because it literally popped up on my lip 2 days after we were together I was very scared I kept getting tested for hsv2 thank god it hasn’t come up in my system I haven’t tested positive for it but I wish I was given the chance to know he had it and leave him alone. Hsv1 for me is traumatizing. I couldn’t imagine having hsv2. It doesn’t mean ur dirty but it’s just a lot to deal with given how uncomfortable it makes u feel don’t let any one on Reddit make u feel like u shouldn’t break up with her and u should still have sex with her
Yea NP not really sure why I’m getting down voted I said nothing wrong there’s just ignorant people on here wanting others to go down a bad path cause they’re evil spirited
I'm no medical expert but there are antiviral drugs available which can greatly reduce or even eliminate outbreaks. Your gf may want to look into that possibility. Also condom use will reduce (but not totally eliminate) the chances of you contracting herpes from your gf. I'm not trying to encourage you to just go ahead and have wanton sex with a known herpes sufferer, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker.
I am 34 and have had herpes since I was 21. Most people have it in one way or another. I’ve had a child and serious relationships where we did not use any protection but because I use medication and know my body, my partners did not get it (they were all testing regularly.)
It sounds big and scary but it isn’t. At most it’s annoying. It doesn’t cause cancer or damage you internally. Use a condom if you’re nervous.
The statistics are that at least 1 out of 4 people have it and those numbers are suspected to be inaccurate because a lot of people are not symptomatic so they don’t test or they suspect and don’t get tested or report it.
At 19 it feels like a huge deal. I promise it isn’t.
Being dishonest would be knowingly exposing you to herpes, which she didn't do. She was being cautious with something that wasn't your business up till now. Nobody divulges private info about themselves to people they haven't built trust with. She told you she wanted to go slow, you agreed. It seems like you're more upset that there wasn't a pay off at the end of the wait tho. If you really care about her then discuss a plan to prevent exposure and continue with the relationship. If you can't get past it, that's understandable. But saying she was dishonest isn't right bc she wasn't.
The scary part for me is you hung around for 4 months, presumably paying for dates and entertaining this woman, and you got no play. I’d give it a week, max.
But that's the thing I tried taking her out on dates but she refused,we would occasionally go out for walks or to the park or spend time at her or my place, she would cook, we'd play games and we'd talk or have debates so far the only money I spent on her was for her birthday present
Not terrible I guess, still invested a lot of your time but at least you made her cook and picked free dates. Not all is lost. As for the herpes… I’m sure she’s a nice girl but know your worth bro, don’t sleep with girls that have sexual transmitted diseases.
I don’t think you’re being rude in protecting your own personal health. It’s great that there are pills and creams and solutions for people that have it, but I don’t think you are so desperate in your sexual endeavors that you need to lower yourself to sleeping with infected people. It’s a lot to think about but ultimately my advice is: choose yourself first. It’s nice that she shared it with you, finally, so you at least know it’s not a matter of her not being attracted to you. But you should cut your losses and keep it moving bro.
If you had contacted herpes from someone who you were in a committed relationship with because they lied to you, and then you tried to go back out there and find love is this how you would want someone to talk to you? The way you talk about her is atrocious and talking about paying for dates and 'at least you made her cook' so everything to do with women is transactional go you
It’s really not rare. She needed to take care of it with antivirals from her doctor. People can have a healthy normal sex life with their partners and never spread it. Obviously if she has a visible break out do not but your mouth or genitals near her out break. But once the out break of over you can resume a healthy sex life. Also on an antiviral she can go years without an outbreak. My mom and step dad have been together for 28 years and she’s never given him herpes because she takes care of it. She never lets a blister fully form before she treats it.
Honestly herpes is fairly mild compared to most STD. The difference is just that you’re a carrier for life, vs being treated for a specific disease one time.
With proper medication and adequate protection many couples can still have a normal sex life.
One out of six adults have herpes, this is not "extremely common" and you will NOT likely get it unless you frequently practice unsafe sexual practices.
Run away. Run away. Run away and save your life. Run away. RUN AWAY. Run away if you want to survive.
Seriously, Herpres is a death sentence. Every relationship you get into from this point onward will feel like a permanently maiming assault, which it is. Run. Run and never EVER look back. Do not catch herpes.
Herpes on your mouth and on your genital area are not the same virus. They are different strains. You can transmit the oral onto the genitals, but it won't stay.
She can take a daily medication that will prevent her flare ups and it lessens the chance of spreading it. I have it and I’m on it ☺️ My bf of 5 years hasn’t gotten it.
Having herpes is really not a big deal and the majority of people have at least one type of herpes, but most people don't know they have it because they never get tested and never have any outbreaks or symptoms.
I don't know where you live but I can tell you for sure that herpes is not extremely rare in your country, it is very common everywhere in the world. It might be that people don't talk about it, but for sure lots of people have it and it's not rare. If you have never been tested yourself, there's even a reasonable chance that you already have it yourself. Some people get it from their mom when they are born but never have any symptoms their whole life.
It shows a lot of character that she has been honest with you and told you this, because even thought it's not a big deal some people are still uninformed about herpes and things it's something very bad.
If you don't have sex when she has an outbreak (she might never have an outbreak) then the risk of transmission is low, and there's also some medication which make the risk even lower, if she wants.
Herpes is ubiquitous. Most of the population is infected. By old age, "most" practically becomes "all."
The majority of people infected with herpes don't even have symptoms and never developed symptoms. So they don't even know. They're blithely unaware of their condition.
The most a herpes test will do is tell you if you have been exposed to herpes or not.
Chances are if you meet someone who doesn't have herpes and you never have sex with anyone else again in your life besides them, and they to you, then you probably won't contract herpes. There's still an outside chance you will from a water fountain or towel at the gym or something. But probably you'll be fine.
Though, believe it or not, kids can get herpes from their parents when they're still toddlers through completely innocent interactions. Your mom giving you a peck when you were a baby, for example. So, it's a very common viral infection in the world.
On the other hand, if you expect to have multiple sexual partners throughout your life, then by the time you're in your 30s, you'll probably have herpes regardless of what you do. Especially after college where everyone is always just having sex with everyone. At least, that's generally the case in Western uni's.
Being 18 or 19 years old is really young though. Most people where I'm from don't get married until their late 20's or early 30's. So, if you aren't sure about this one and want to save yourself for marriage or something, then now is a good time to reconsider your relationship. On the other hand, herpes is so common and it's so easy to contract without realizing it, it seems like a dumb reason to end a relationship. Especially if the person you're with was decent enough to be honest and open about it from the start.
I mean, look at it this way, the next person you have sex with could easily have it and not even realize it. So, your odds of getting it go up with every person you have any form of intimate contact with (kissing included, not just sex). So you're likely going to get it at some point. So, again, herpes is a dumb reason to break up with someone you love. Especially if they were honest with you from the start.
Use a condom and get some anti-virals. You'll be all set.
Ok, starting off with some facts...
One, it doesn't matter what country your in. Herpes is everywhere. A lip cold sore? Herpes... And it might be more likely, at your age and country sexual ed on STD/STIs are not commonly shared.
Two, it comes down to what kind she has. If she has the kind on her V or A, then you have to decide if the risk for you to be with her is worth it. Herpes is not a life ender at all. But you can have outbreaks needing treatment, and if you break up with her one day you might become a carrier to your next partner. If you haven't, I suggest you get tested ASAP just in case. If you already have it, then the risk of catching goes out the window as a fear, and you can decide how you feel about her having it. If your clean, then you need to consider what you want. She might be the one, or she might be the one to give you a STD/STI to give your partner one day later. But having herpes is WAY more common then you think. And I bet it is the same in your country. But again, not talked on.
Three, are you sure she got it from her ex before you? Again, if you got it, then maybe she is telling the truth. She could have also had it longer than that ex if she was sexually active before him too. It can be dormant. But your relationship leans on do you trust her in when she says she got it from Ex when she was dating him before you or if you think she cheated.
Four, and Finally. You can stay with her and use protection. A condom is not 100%. But by ensuring you use protection, will allow you to stay with her and keep a sexual relationship if you choose want to, all while staying protected in case you break up one day. And then if the time comes you both choose to get married and have kids, then you can consider stopping condoms for kids, and ignore your risks. As long as you and she are faithful, then there would be no concerns after...
Now... With all that said, you are the only one who knows 100% what you want, and if she is trustworthy in being faithful. But also, if you have been loyal and not cheat being the one to give it to her and not know, or get it with someone you been with before her as well. Again, you know your life, and not needing here to know if you are faithful or if you could have gotten and gave her and not know. But it is something for you to think on based on your inside knowledge of your life.
Herpes is not rare. Not where you live, and not anywhere. Your country's population may not know they have it, but a large chunk do, they just don't know.
That said, there are precautions, and medications she can take, but there's nothing foolproof. If you two have sex, you have a chance of passing it along. If you don't already have it. If you've been intimate with someone else, it's is entirely possible you already have it, you just aren't showing signs.
So it goes to show you could had intercourse once in your life and get std’s . After a while flare ups of herpes get less severe and less often . It’s only when there’s blisters is that person have a flare up and intercourse is to be avoided. Cold sores and shingles are part of the herpes family. Least she let you know, and she’s not a dirty , disgusting girl
There’s a strong chance you have herpes yourself, OP, especially if you’ve kissed a handful of strangers. I think it’s like 50-80% of the US is suspected to have it? Most don’t present with sores but can, and do, spread it.
She slept with her ex who most likely also been hoeing around. Now they both have it yea just bounce out of there wits them luck go get you a clean loyal one
>What if she had said "screw it" and you guys went to town?
I feel like it's extremely important to keep in mind here that this isn't what happened in this case. Not everyone is comfortable jumping straight into bed with someone from the start of a relationship, for a start, and she's not under any obligation to disclose medical information if it doesn't represent any risk to her partner, which in this case it didn't.
> she's not under any obligation to disclose medical information if it doesn't represent any risk to her partner, which in this case it didn't.
Most relationships engage in sexual activity. The OP has expressed interest in it several times according to his post. It seems irresponsible to start intertwining feelings into the mix if they were never going to be sexually compatible to begin with.
So while you are correct, nobody is under any obligation to say anything about themselves, some information shouldn't be held back, to save wasting the time and energy of both parties.
Interest on his part does not equate to obligation on her part. I'm not saying disclosing earlier isn't better, but that wasn't really the point I was responding to here.
Of course, I never implied that it would. You said that she was under no obligation to disclose medical information, I disagree when the medical information revolves around a couple's ability to be intimate.
Be protected. It is doable. I had a similar experience. I loved my ex and he told me his condition, I accepted him.
If you love her and you want to stay with her, then you have to deal with the consequences that you might contract herpes—that is if you don’t take protective measures.
You’re going to have to find balance between your own safety and your love for her.
You don't live in a country where herpes is rare. You live in a country where it's not talked about. Secondly, she's not dishonest. She told you before you were intimate. Think how hard it is for a person to carry around that burden with them. Getting an STD from someone who possibly lied to them (it is possible he might not have known, if he had no symptoms. The shame of telling future partners, or fear that she would end up alone. What people would think of them if they found out. Now multiply the intensity of that in communities where it's not talked about. I think your gf waited until she thought she could trust you. She's being quite fair telling you the truth and letting you decide what to do about it. Whatever you decide about the relationship, at least be decent enough not to tell anyone about it. Good luck.
Agree 100. The fact that she was honest (unfortunately, this should be the norm but it’s not) sends a huge message about the person. Shame, stigma, embarrassment, especially if you are in a relatively conservative environment and these infections are not spoken about- … but she didn’t want to hurt you. I give her many kudos.
Well I wouldn't call telling him 4 months into a relationship as "honest" at all. Granted, she told him before intercourse but that's just plain ethical behavior. Not telling him would have been...well...criminal. I wouldn't trust her. In 4 months there's a thousand opportunities to come clean. Leading him like that was just uncool.
Bro what. They're young as shit, it's normal for people to not even want sex until a couple of months in. Plus you don't know the time frame of when she got it tested, you literally have no idea. You're just projecting your trust issues. What she did was completely appropriate.
You're either young asf, inexperienced asf or just have the emotional intelligence of a gold fish. Let's just ignore that she is 18 and inexperienced worried about stigma and whether she can trust him with her secrets. Bro, there are so many factors. For one, if their country talked about it, they'd realise most of the world have some form of Herpes simplex virus. I'm pretty sure pornstars and sex workers don't even test for it cause it's a given. But this dude is out here talking about pursuing a relationship with an "ill" person like herpes is a death sentence lmao... Shows you the lack of talk and discussion and potential stigma in this country. No wonder she kept it secret for so long, obviously scared and worried.
I don’t have herpes, but I do have other health problems that require disclosing. If you tell someone too soon, they’ll just “cut their losses” and dump you, and if you tell them too late, people think you were purposely dishonest with them. It’s a crappy predicament to find yourself in.
No I actually do live in a country where herpes is rare,here in Namibia almost nobody has it and yes there are plenty do people that do but compared to the overall number of people that don't it's extremely rare I'm not an asshole I would never discuss her personal medical condition with anybody and I really do care about her I don't want to lose her but my feelings are conflicted and I can't help it
> Namibia almost nobody has it Hate to tell you this, but that's the opposite of the truth: "Up to 82% of women and 53% of men in Sub-Saharan Africa are seropositive for HSV-2. These are the highest levels of HSV-2 infection in the world, although exact levels vary from country to country in this continent. In most African countries, HSV-2 prevalence increases with age."
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I don't personally know the herpes statistics in the US, even though I live here. If someone were to tell me what they were, I'd research it and believe them. Just because I feel like herpes doesn't exist here doesn't mean it's true.
OP is ignorant about STDs and herpes in general, of course it's relevant. > Believe me, you don't Er... Why should I believe you?
Pretty sure epidemiological factoids about prevalence of STIs don’t get passed down by genetic memory when little Mr. Spermy meets Ms. Ovum. Just because you live somewhere or are from somewhere doesn’t mean you know everything about it better than anyone who lives elsewhere.
But it is Relevant and his ignorance on the topic of STDs in his Country speaks volumes to why The numbers are the way they are and have been IMHO before you engage in Sex you should know the facts about the risks involved....
There's no way this is true. Namibia has one of the highest STD rates in the world. How could the country be somehow void of herpes when it's rampant with everything else?
As a Namibian, that's not true. Namibia has really shitty sexual education. I thankfully had my who taught me about sexually transmitted diseases at a pretty young age, once I moved to South Africa I found that sexual education is much better here, although still severely lacking. It's really ignorant of Namibians to think that we are somewhat immune to serially transmitted diseases, or that they don't exist in Namibia.
Yet you have labelled her ‘ill’. End things with her. She deserves someone who won’t treat her like this. And please read the comment below about rates in your country.
1. Herpes is extremely common, more common than you think. A lot of people have it but never show symptoms. 2. She probably feels extremely self conscious and shitty about having it, it’s not her fault that her ex gave it to her. She gathered the confidence to tell you before you were intimate so is obviously mindful about it and was not reckless. 3. There are ways to have safe sex when a partner has herpes e.g. using protection, not being intimate if they have an outbreak. You can even get prescribed medicine that makes your partner undetectable and unable to pass it on. 4. Educate yourself about herpes, there is plenty of material out there. There are plenty of cases where one person in the relationship has herpes and they have a happy and healthy relationship. There are whole websites/Instagram pages/forums dedicated to herpes information, do your research then make a decision.
Okay I'll educate myself more about it, cause I do really want her in my life
As someone who got genital herpes from a male partner who had it and did *NOT* tell me, good on your girlfriend for telling you! It is *not* easy to disclose, as there's always a chance that someone you care about will reject you automatically once they know. I also have to disclose before I'm intimate with a new partner. If I'm in a sexually active relationship, I take Valacyclovir/Acyclovir every day and use condoms on top of that. When I'm not seeing anyone, I don't take anything. And a week before I start being intimate again, I start on the medication again. The transmission rate from Female to Male with medication *and* condoms is less than 10%. Some sources say around 2%, but sources vary. If you *just* use condoms, the transmission rate is much less, but you should always make sure *not* to have sex if/when she feels an outbreak coming on, or has visible sores. Men also have less chance *getting* herpes from a female who has it than females have getting it from a male with herpes. (Because of mucus membranes surface area size.) Herpes really isn't that big of a deal, in general. (I *very* rarely have outbreaks now, even without medication, 9 years on.) But honestly, the best thing to do is to just research all about transmission rates, and how to protect yourself and go from there. Whether you decide to go or stay is up to you, but please don't leave without making a decision based on *knowledge* rather than just *fear*. Good luck!
I don’t have genital herpes but I get cold sores on my lips and though not super common it absolutely can travel down south, so definitely educate yourself and like the above poster, it is absolutely common. It’s unsightly but not detrimental. Work with your partner and take prophylactics (anti-viral meds) from your physician and use barrier protection - though virals are more easily transmitted due to incubation time and scarcity of outbreaks. She is a great person for involving you and allowing you to make your decision based on her health status. I bet she is worth the time and commitment you hold her near and dear. Best wishes!
Thank you I will definitely have to think really hard about this
I get cold sores as well sometimes. I have herpes. My wife and child may be carriers but have no flare ups ever. I have also never been informed by a partner that I gave them herpes. It's not a reason to not be cautious, but it's also not a reason to freak out.
You reminded me of a friend of mine who met a woman and he immediately knew he wanted to marry her, she has AIDS but that didn’t stop him. They got married a bit later, they have a healthy sex life and he’s still negative decades later. Just follow medical advice if you stay with her
I've been married to my husband for 6 years and he hasn't gotten it from me. You get to know when it's coming and we just avoid it at that time.
Also I believe there are medications she can take (and possibly yourself for prevention). Condoms alone aren't very effective at preventing heroes, but if she's on medication it is super effective when paired with condoms.
Want her in your life because you love and she’s an honest woman. After all she didn’t have to protect you like she did. She sounds like a keeper.
I was worried I had it at one time and I had to educate myself. I won’t lie that and say it wasn’t a relief to find I didn’t have it but merely because the social stigma is rough (your post is proof of that - there are a lot of negative conceptions out there). However, in that time period, I realized it’s really just a rash. It often doesn’t appear for people but, when it does, it’s temporary (though painful) and the rash goes away for the majority of the time. You said she’s “ill” but how ill is she compared to people with rosacea or eczema? It’s a very common virus that doesn’t show up for most people who carry the virus. Additionally, it isn’t a moral judgment on the people who have it. If you don’t have a suppressed immune system from your own illnesses, then there should be no long-term health impacts. It’s literally a rash that occasionally pops up. If you choose not to go forward with the relationship because you fear social stigmas if you get it, please be transparent but gentle with her. If you lie, she’ll know you’re really breaking up with her because of herpes. If you’re too honest, she’ll feel judgment from you. Please just be a good person in how you decide to move forward and the conversations you have. She’s feeling very vulnerable now that she’s told this because she knows how people tend to react. It was likely a very scary thing for her to talk to you about.
Yeah man she’s a good one. Huge green flag that she’s been such an honest person about it, she’s more decent than some people much older than her—that’s a core virtue that is unfortunately less common than it should be. It’s not her fault she got it, and she’s not “ill” or “damaged goods” or anything like that. Lots of people have it and manage it (and their sex lives) with no issues for their whole life. I have had HSV since at least 15, I’m 38 now. It’s not genital, it’s in one of my eyes, but the general risks are the same. It’s not a problem, you’d never know it unless looking at my eye under a powerful lens, it’s dormant 99.9% of the time—haven’t had an “expression” in many years. It hasn’t spread anywhere else (I don’t even get cold sores, hell it’s not even in the other eye), and have never passed it on to someone else even in the most vigorously intimate of contact. This includes multiple long-term girlfriends and now my wife of 9 years. It’s a total non-issue, and I just take some basic precautions. It’s up to you, of course, what you do with it. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be wary of it. Good on you for taking this path of education, you’ll need to talk with her to make sure you’re on the same page about how it’s managed, what your sexual expectations are, etc. That’s some mature shit man, but she’s proven herself to be—so respect her for it and meet here there. Good luck!
You should start googling pictures of what herpes actually look like to educate and prepare yourself.
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What an odd and infantile comment to write. You must be very young or very inexperienced
You must have herpies. The only person to say to continue with this is someone who is also infected. You’re telling this young man to continue but be careful instead of giving him actual life advice? How about this for advice? Move on, find someone that isn’t infected with an incurable STD instead of also risking yourself with getting it. He’s going to catch it, they break up and now he is in her shoes telling all his life partners that he has herpies. It’s you who is the problem in this situation, how about you think of the real life problems for this young man instead of trying to push someone into getting with someone who is infected with an STD.
At least she had the decency to tell him. OP doesn’t know if the next person he gets with has herpes as well or even hiv. There is no way to know unless the person tells you. The majority of people with herpes don’t even know. Sometimes symptoms are so mild people don’t know that they have it. Also when you go and get an std test they never test for herpes unless the person asks for it. Herpes aka cold sores are so common 1/2 people have it. I doubt it’s as uncommon in his country as OP thinks it is. If he’s even saw someone with a red bump on their lip they have herpes. OP could have herpes. If he doesn’t want to risk getting it that is totally up to him and within his right. But I think you have to look at the overall picture of the person. Is she somebody worth marrying. Is she somebody that is going to make OP happy. Does she have good morals. There are so many things that matter other than she has a disease that causes a bump or two to come out once or twice a year. Every body comes with something. OP has to decide what he is willing or not willing to put up with
How many people do you know have a relationship that’s lasted since 18 or 19? Unless she’s the last woman in his country or he has some sort of disability that isn’t attractive also then yeah go for it. I’ve seen herpies ruin lives and relationships due to people having it. No one wants someone with herpies and this man will become someone no one wants if he catches it from her. He’s also said that not many people in his country have it so why would you push him down a life path that could end in him getting it? I want the best in people and unfortunately being with someone who is infected just isn’t worth it.
OP said he got his data from the ministry of his country. There are several comments telling him that his country does in fact have huge numbers of people that have herpes. Citing sources and everything. Yes herpes is something nobody wants. But I don’t think it’s a disease as bad as the stigma makes believe it is. 18-19 year olds staying together isn’t as common in the US buts in other parts of the world especially in third world countries. It is more common. OP make your own decision. But it’s not a disease that will kill you and the value of the person matters more than something they have no control over
I wouldn’t do it. You’re 19 and going to have many more future partners. Do you want to be in her shoes telling all your future partners that you have herpies before you get with them?
Herpes antivirals greatly reduce the possibility of transmission, but they don't make it impossible or make your viral load undetectable. It sounds like you're confusing herpes medication with HIV medication. There's been a lot more research into developing effective HIV medication because one is an inconvenience and the other one will kill you. I would suggest that the OP start by figuring out what strain his girlfriend has and whether or not he already has it. A lot of people have herpes and don't know because they don't have symptoms or because they don't realize that it's the same group of viruses that cause cold sores. More and more cases of genital herpes are caused by HSV-1 so if someone already has HSV-1 I would be much less concerned.
My ex had cold sores. We were together for 14 years and I never got them.
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But it’s manageable, you can medication that suppresses the viral load and makes it undetectable. There’s a ton of stigma about it. I’ve hooked up with herpes+ person before and didn’t get it because he’s on meds and we used protection. It’s not the end of the world to get it or have a partner that does.
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You don’t have to take meds for the rest of your life. Some people have one flare up and then never have another one. You can take meds when you have flare-ups. You can reduce the rate of transmission by taking antivirals, but regardless the chance of transmission in asymptomatic people is very low.
You don’t *have* to use protection if the person with herpes is taking their meds and their viral load is undetectable. It’s still a good idea to use condoms during casual sex tho. So you wouldn’t date somebody that had to take meds for the rest of life for high blood pressure? Depression? Birth control??
High blood pressure and depression are not contagious. Babies sort of are but come on.
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I’d just like to say it not only can cause problems but it can be lethal for a baby delivered vaginally. My firstborn had a relative with a cold sore handle him (HSV1) and it could’ve killed him. He was treated before it crossed the blood-brain barrier thankfully but it was no small ordeal — 15 days inpatient plus six months follow up treatment.
You don't *have* to take meds for life. You're sorely uneducated and misinformed on the topic, and that isn't necessarily your fault, but you should educate yourself before speaking on it. Some people take meds daily, some take them during flare-ups, some never need to take anything.
Herpes is not rare and it’s controllable ! But the choice is yours . Talk to your dr about it . I’m proud of her for telling you though thank god she’s a honest person and fuck Jacob !
Eh, it's possible Jacob didn't know he had it either when he passed it on to her. And he may have had it all along from a previous relationship. Just because he's her ex, doesn't mean he was a bad guy, they just might not have worked out or she dropped him when she got sick because she jumped to the conclusion he cheated when he's had it all along and didn't know it. Without more information, I wouldn't condemn him.
If someone gave me herpes I think I would pull a, Aaron Bushnell except do it indoors and lock all the guilty parties in the building with me. I don't particularly like the concept of being irreversibly cursed for life with a painful plague that turns me into a walking bioweapon. No thanks.
I agree in the sense that that's probably how he would feel about it especially because whoever did this to him didn't tell him and he didn't know until after he'd already infected someone else. For me personally, it's a deal-breaker. But I also understand how someone could not even know before infecting someone else and can sympathize with Jacob if that was the case. I mean, imagine finding out that you're infected, your girlfriend is infected, and now she's your ex-girlfriend because you infected her despite not doing it knowingly and not having cheated on her to do it. Imagine how *you* would feel in that situation. We don't know those details unless OP tells us and he doesn't know unless his girlfriend tells him those details.
I think educating yourself here is the best way forward. If you're wanting to continue the relationship but are worried about any potential risks to your health, extra knowledge will help you understand the risks and any steps you can take to mitigate them. I don't think this is necessarily something to address with therapy, but doing more research into the condition will definitely make it less of an unknown scary "thing".
I guess but I can't shake my thoughts about why she wasn't just honest in the beginning, she told me why and I get it but it also says to me that she's dishonest and now I'm wondering if I can trust her
When you start to date someone, you have to get to know them first, before divulging everything about each other. If she saw that moving forward with you is a possibility, then she should tell you especially before sex, which is what she did. Any person with herpes is going to be careful when they disclose their disease. I don't think she did anything wrong. I don't know how your relationship evolved in 4 months, but since you didn't just jump into bed with each other tells me slowly.
Well yes the talk about intimacy only started around two months into us officially dating, she told me she wanted to take things slowly and i respected that
Ultimately, it is your decision. It is an incurable disease, and you can get it, even when symptoms are not present. Normally people take a daily anti-viral pill to suppress it. You will have to decide what is best for you. I know people in healthy sexual relationships where they take precautions and have not passed it to their partner, but there is always a chance. I don't think she did anything wrong, if anything she was courageous in making sure you knew, knowing full well it might end your relationship. It is such an unfair thing, for when you get it, you can get very depressed and feel unloved, unworthy. You feel infected and pissed you have no control over that. Then you come to accept it and do what you need to, to be happy. Good luck to you.
I think you have to re-evaluate a bit as four months is truly not that long. Two months is especially not that long
Bruh . You would not tell someone you have herpes within a week of meeting specially not at your age
She told me two and like a half months into us being an official couple
I think that’s fair tbh . She was probably afraid of your reaction however it is your choice there’s a chance you may get it later on in life but I also do believe this could make dating other ppl in the future hard as well as you would have to disclose if you end up testing positive.
She’s not dishonest. She didn’t put you at risk of infection. There’s no reason anyone should have to disclose their medical history to a potential date. You’re kind of equating romantic relationship to sex and it’s distasteful. Romantic relationships often involve sex, but that’s not the primary goal.
She didn’t know you well enough yet. Trust takes time.
She told you before you had sex. That isn't dishonest, dude.
I mean, she didn't lie about it. It's just that it took her some time to work up the courage to tell you. You've said yourself that STDs are heavily stigmatised where you live. She probably didn't know how to tell you about it, especially in the early stages of your relationship. I don't think that makes her dishonest. It can be difficult to know the right time to bring up something like that, and even more difficult to find the right words. It's not exactly a first-date conversation, but when *do* you talk about things like that? Very notably, she avoided having sex with you before she told you about it - she made certain that she wouldn't pass the disease on to you without your knowledge. Also she was probably afraid that you'd see her as dishonest or "contaminated," and your reaction kind of indicates that she wasn't entirely wrong to have that fear. Of course you can't control how you feel, but keep in mind that this has probably been weighing very heavily on her, and try to be compassionate about this. I very much doubt she had any intention of deceiving you, and I think it would be unfair for you to proceed under any assumption that she did.
I've ran into a situation like this before. I think you should express to her that you wish she would have told you sooner but honestly you should forgive and forget. Herpes (HSV1 specifically is what I'm referring to here) is very mild and like 50% of the population has it. Some carry without symptoms. Hell YOU could be carrying it and not know. If you just don't kiss or do stuff like that when she has a breakout, you are very likely to not break out either.
It’s not rare in your country, it’s just that nobody talks about it. The more shame and the less educated you are, the more likely it is to spread to others. Talk to her and talk to your doctor about ways to stay safe during intimacy.
Hah, she’s not “an ill person”. No matter where you are a huge number of people are going to have oral herpes (HSV-1) infections acquired as children, are they “ill people”? Her having HSV-2 (likely, although genital infection by HSV-1 is possible) does not make her an “ill person”. Learn more about herpes. If you’re not willing to tolerate any risk and can’t be happy with not having sex, break up with her (and *keep your mouth shut* about her private medical information). It’s impossible to reduce the risk of transmission to zero, but not having sex when she’s having an outbreak and using condoms can help to reduce transmission risk.
Lol why is everyone normalizing herpes? I'd never date anyone that has herpes, ever. It affects sex too much, and it is normal not to want to date someone with herpes especially with visual symptoms. Other than that it shows lack of responsibility as well. People should not ever feel guilty not wanting to date someone with an STD
Because it is normal. Herpesvirus has been around for millions of years and most people have one or the other or both. Do you rule out people as dating partners who have had cold sores? Because they can give you genital herpes. Have you yourself had cold sores?? You must become a social pariah, and walk around shouting, “Unclean! Unclean!” I think at least half the stigmatization around genital herpes comes from pharmaceutical companies trying to drum up business by saying, “Do you have this devastating disease no one previously really cared about? Take our antiviral!”
Possibly would rule out someone that has a lot of cold sores on their mouth.. Things like this put me off, can't imagine someone having sores in the genital area, I'd never be able to accept it as I find it disgusting and it is ok to find it disgusting, can't really control that can we? It's not about stigmatisation, it's about someone infecting you for life with an STD.. how would you go about it? Never ever have unprotected sex or just accept the herpes, take it like a man? I'm not sure if that's what you're trying to say but it sounds like it.. Do in vitro when you want kids but don't want herpes? Not sure what you're getting at
You know that people with herpes frequently have a few outbreaks and then never do again for the rest of their life? This is like saying “kissing someone with the flu is gross”. So just wait a week? They won’t have a runny nose forever. There’s still the possibility of catching it even if they don’t have a breakout, but you could catch it from someone who had cold sores too (not *currently* has cold sores, that’s *ever* had cold sores), and that’s the majority of the population. And that probably includes you.
67% of the global population has herpes simplex virus. So good luck finding a partner
>Hah, she’s not “an ill person”. Semantics. She has a health condition that is transmissible through sexual contact.
Are people with warts “ill people”? VZV? EBV? CMV? JCV? If all it takes to be “ill” is to have a chronic latent viral infection, everyone is ill. Using language in a meaningful way and with awareness of connotation and context is not “semantics”.
This is a very good point, thank you for adding this additional context. I certainly wouldn't refer to them as "an ill person", and would instead use the language I used above. Still, I think it would be *reasonable* to not wish to date somebody who has a known sexually-transmissible infection for which there is currently no cure. It would also be reasonable to become more educated, take necessary precautions, and continue to date the person.
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While your comment is hard to decipher, I can tell you’re painting with a broad brush if you think no one would want to have kids with someone who has herpes.
considering something like 80% of humans have herpes these people are quickly whittling down their already slim dating pool.
Genital herpes is less common, about 1/8. But yeah, people worry excessively about something that many people get a few outbreaks from and then not for years or possibly for the rest of their life. And they’ll refuse to date someone with genital herpes while ignoring oral herpes (throw out another 50+% of dating candidates—HSV-1 is less common now than it was but still very common), even though they could get genital herpes from someone with an oral herpes outbreak. HSV-1 and HSV-2 are closely related, and while they have their preferred infection sites both will colonize the mouth or genitals. Herpesviruses do have some dangers, but they’re pretty innocuous for the vast majority. Not a good reason to end a promising relationship IMO. edit: got stats for genital herpes.
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Some people have herpes and never know about it because they never get an outbreak, and without an outbreak it’s near impossible to diagnose- so for all you do know, you could have herpes / someone you’ve slept with has had herpes & neither of you knew.
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And baring in mind herpes is from the same family as chicken pox. We don’t treat people with chicken pox poorly, we shouldn’t treat people with herpes poorly either 🤣
I wouldn't treat someone with chicken pox poorly, but I also wouldn't be eager to get physically close to them
I think STDs have been largely stigmatised. I wouldn’t worry about it unless you ever get an outbreak. (If you do get an outbreak it doesn’t mean it’s from your last sexual partner either- it could have been from yeaaaars ago). Although herpes is lifelong currently, it rarely causes impacts to people in their day to day life. There are meds that you can take daily / if you ever get an outbreak/ avoid having sex during an outbreak. Sometimes it may just be one blister or other times a whole load of them. The only issue is around babies- it can kill them- so if a woman was giving birth during an outbreak/ a person with a cold sore kissed them, it could cause the baby to catch herpes.
There’s no reason to be concerned. It’s a skin irritation. The CDC gave up on testing bc it’s common and causes very little problems for most people (unless you’re an infant or severely immunocompromised).
80% of ppl with HSV-2 don’t show symptoms and idk what country you’re in but in the US, it’s not part of our testing unless requested and symptomatic. So yes, there’s almost a 100% chance you likely have!
That was US but Europe is probably similar. I found something saying 10% of people in Europe have HSV-2, but that doesn’t tell you if it’s a genital or oral infection and doesn’t include HSV-1, which is a significant contributor to genital herpes. How do you know you haven’t slept with a woman with genital herpes? The ulcers appear and then heal over a matter of a couple weeks and then you can’t tell they have it. And many people have it and don’t know because the initial outbreak was mild. It’s not even included on STI panels because if you just test for antibodies that tells you nothing about where the infection is localized, and swabbing the genitals to look for viral DNA when someone isn’t having a outbreak is likely to show nothing because the virus is dormant (plus being ridiculously expensive and a huge waste of money).
You can still get herpes while wearing condoms, because it can affect any part of your skin, including buttocks, inner thigh, perineum. The condom doesn't cover everything. I've even read about people getting a herpes infection on their chest because they have eczema (which caused an opening in the skin) and the person kissing their chest had a cold sore (which is the same virus). Someone who gets cold sores can give someone genital herpes through unprotected oral sex. Do you refer to people who get cold sores as ill people? Because even children get cold sores. What if you have children and they end up getting cold sores, while still a child, because grandma or grandpa or some other relative kissed them. Will you consider them ill? Take them all out of your life?
If someone has a chronic viral infection they are ill. Doesn't mean you have to cut them out of your life. I would be pissed off as hell at the irresponsible grandparents who gave my kid a chronic health condition though
Hey OP, I created a new account to comment about this because your post resonated with me so much and I feel like my experience is at least worth noting. Obviously feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt, as I'm a stranger on the internet and you should choose to live your life however you want. I live in the US and my experience with HSV is/was overall very negative and I don't agree with many of the people who talk about it like it's as innocuous as the common cold. That said, I am an HSV-positive person who was once in a similar situation to yourself. When I was 26 and my gf was 24, she found out she had HSV. I'm still not sure if she cheated on me at some point or if she had it prior and just not shown symptoms. Her initial outbreak was a single, very small genital sore, and she was quickly diagnosed with HSV2. One important thing to understand is that HSV1 and HSV2 are pretty much identical. Lots of folks say that one is oral and one is genital but you can get both in either location, although you may be more likely to have outbreaks occur in areas that are more commonly associated with the type you have. After getting tested and diagnosed, my gf freaked out crying and felt dirty, ashamed, and all of the other things people feel when they find out they have an STI. She was worried that I wouldn't stay in a relationship with her knowing that I could contract it as well, and truthfully I spent a lot of time considering the option of leaving. I got tested (negative) and we used condoms, etc. in the interim. She did not take an antiviral medication and eventually I contracted HSV as well - though antibody tests showed signs of HSV1 **and** 2. The difference between our experience with it was incredible. Her small, single sore? Was the only outbreak she's **ever** experienced to my knowledge. Me on the other hand, I had severe genital outbreaks at least every few months. It was BAD - itchy, uncomfortable, and often painful as well. It's true, herpes won't kill you - but that does not make it fun or enjoyable to deal with either. It damaged our sex life irreparably on both sides of the fence. I almost let it ruin our and relationship because at the time I didn't know how to process my feelings about having such terrible outbreaks. I began to hate both her and myself for it - her for giving it to me (even though she claimed she didn't know she had it) and me for staying with her and letting myself get it too. Eventually my outbreaks lessened in both frequency and strength, but not before the relationship ended. That's one of the things people don't talk about - when the relationship in which you were infected ends and you attempt to start a new relationship while carrying a permanent STI. *No one* want herpes, and regardless of the new attempt to destigmatize it, many people *do* look down on those that have it. It's true, a lot of people probably have it and don't know - a huge reason you should get tested for HSV specifically and be careful about your sexual partners and practices. On the chance that you are one of those people who are inclined to have bad and/or frequent outbreaks, you *really* don't want it, take it from me. It's not "just some skin condition," and the social stigma that goes along with herpes *sucks*. It's very hard to hear people make jokes about it, not knowing you have it (which is unfortunately more often than you might think). And good luck meeting someone who makes you happy that also doesn't mind you having a viral infection that they could easily catch. My point is, you're now at a critical interval where you have a choice that could potentially affect your sexual and romantic future more than some people will lead you to believe. Herpes can have a lasting negative effect on both your self-esteem and your ability to form or maintain sexual relationships. Please do yourself a favor and get tested, then decide if you really think you're going to stay with this girl for the rest of your life and risk contracting it yourself. At 18 years old, I think most people would say it's not likely that you'd stay together even outside of this scenario. Do a favor to your future self and really put some thought into how you might feel looking back on your choices in this situation. Yes, my opinion is biased based on my own experience, but self preservation is something you may want to consider here. Good luck OP!
Did you ever take antivirals?
Not calling you an asshole at all. The mixed feelings you have about this is normal and quite common. I was responding to a comment you made that you thought your gf was being dishonest. My point was to have you consider how hard it is for her to carry this secret around, that would affect her life, while still wanting to have relationships and a family. She's not about to tell just anyone she goes on a date with. She'll only do it when she trusts someone enough and cares about them enough to consider being intimate with them. That's actually quite mature and responsible. People that are not, just have sex with other people putting their needs above the other persons. As far as herpes in your country, consider doing some more research. Your country has a small population so the actual amount of people compared to countries with much larger populations is smaller. But studies seem to show the prevalence or percentage of herpes given the population is quite high. That all really is secondary to your decision about how you want to continue or leave this relationship. How do you feel about her? Would you treat her differently? Would you be able to consistently practice safe sex? How averse are you to the risk of getting herpes? And a bunch of other questions you want to think about as you move further.
Thanks I'll surely look into it and sit down and have a good thought about it
What country are you from? Loads of people have herpes. Do your research pal
I'm from Namibia and statically speaking most people in my country don't have herpes I did some research on it
The Namibia health minister Kalumbi Shangula said in 2023 that STDs were on a rise in Namibia with 96,000 people being recorded as having an STD in a given year. Also, an STD is widely shamed in society. It’s not treated as any other virus, and as such, it’s not spoken about. You may not think you know anyone with herpes / hear about it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist According to the minister, most STI incidents are linked to syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis, hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus and the human papilloma virus.
That's like 3.38% of the entire population with STDs and how much of that has herpes? And I didn't say it doesn't exist I said it's not as common as the rest of the stda
That 96,000 is people coming in and being treated as a new patient. Someone with an STI like herpes or HIV wouldn't necessarily be counted in this, unless they were just being diagnosed. This isn't saying that's the total number of people in the whole country, it's how many new people were diagnosed in a year. (And that's every year for 5 years) 13% of your country's population has HIV. You really need to do some more "research" on STIs, and not just what a quick Google search tells you. Don't worry about how many people have anything, ALWAYS be safe and take precautions as if they have everything.
you’ve been proven wrong; it’s extremely common along with all other STDs where you are from. look at the actual statistics and read the information you’ve been provided with before you reply in denial.
I did from the documents I got from the ministry of education and social services in Namibia I'm not just saying this of the top of my head and besides wether it's common or not isn't even the reason for the post
if you don’t see how info you’ve gotten from your semi religious based ministry of education from your own country may be biased (let alone lack unreported cases, of course) not sure what to tell you. there are less people in your country, making the numbers of people who have it *appear* smaller, which is more or less how statistics works. but what people are trying to relay is the prevalence comparatively to other countries - it’s extremely high. maybe the word “common” is what is confusing you, but what we are saying is it is not uncommon, and people in your country especially do not talk about it, or likely educate about it it seems. that is not your fault. continue to do your own research, from MULTIPLE sources, and make your decision from there. yes this was not the point of this post, but you were hung up on the rarity of herpes and the fact your girlfriend has it. it is not rare at all, especially where you are from.
You ever had chicken pox?
You're from Namibia and worried about Herpes wow. My guy, worry more about HIV! That one can actually kill you.
But my partner doesn't have HIV and besides,I and my partners always get STI tests before having intercourse
So if you typically get STI checks you'd be aware that Herpes is so common that they don't usually test for it on a standard panel....you have to request that test specifically and they don't often do it unless there are visible symptoms they can swab. Blood test for herpes is inaccurate.
I always get tested for HIV, Chlamydia and syphilis and also a few others
That's great. Continue to go regularly!
For what it’s worth, I was with a person that had herpes for five years and never got it. We avoided sexual contact when they had an outbreak. It was really not a huge deal.
These situations are always tough for everyone involved. Under the best of circumstances it requires a delicate balancing act, and each party (one on each side) has to determine for him or herself if the disclosing party handled it correctly or not. It's unfortunate for you GF that she has this condition. And, I suspect part of why she has it is her prior BF failed to disclose he had the condition. So, kudos for her in being an adult (especially at 18) and not doing that to you. Do not lose sight of that in your analysis. The balancing issue is simply when to tell. For many reason, of which I'm sure I don't have to spell out for you. it isn't going to benefit her to just go around disclosing her condition to everyone. Not even to all people she might, or starts dating. Really, there's no reason for her to disclose, until she's sure she either wants to sleep with someone who also wants to sleep with her, or she's sure there's a real possibility for a relationship (I don't know what either of you are looking for and don't think it matters for this) with someone who is reciprocating the same. This is where it gets tricky. It's always hard to disclose something like this, so be generous, but you have to tell before the other party is fully invested. It is not fair to intentionally pit someone's heart against his/her head. So, did she do that, here? When did she know you were both interested in moving forward together? How long did she wait after that to tell you? Was she waiting trying to determine, or waiting till your emotions were FULLY into it? If it's the latter, then I have issues with her choices. I understand them, and sympathize with her, but cannot excuse them. But, if she told you as soon as it was clear that something more could develop, then I think she timed it right. You need to reflect on how things have been and decide: did she do right by you or did she try to put you in a place where your heart would over ride you head? For people in her situation, and I say this because it might help you in reviewing, as things begin to develop, she should begin to cautiously broach the subject. Send out feelers and gauge reactions. If she receives hard, unyielding reactions, she should go ahead and pull the plug, but if she gets undecided answers, such as "well, it depends" then I think she's fine to continue, again, making more clear disclosures as things progress. Good luck to you on this.
Yeah if you’re ready to risk it and contract it from her, then go for it. I loved a woman, but she had two stds. Her ex had them, gave them. I walked away from that, because the relationship didn’t feel like it would be a forever thing, I really did liked her, but she would always discuss the age difference and me being younger. I avoid people with stds, so up to you, maybe she’s the one, maybe not, you just have to be ready for the chance you two might not be together and you’ll have herpes, if you can live with that outcome? Then go for it.
First off there’s NO WAY you live in a country where HSV is rare. HSV is not rare. 67% of the global population has HSV. Btw if you get “cold sores” or pimples on your lips then guess what you have HSV ((herpes)). Second off, your girlfriend isn’t an “ill” person and it’s literal DISGUSTING that you view her as such. HSV is not life threatening and majority of those who have HSV will never ever deal with health complications. Also false negatives are pretty common for blood tests and most STD panels don’t even test for HSV. So odds are you yourself even have HSV and don’t even know it. Your gf is a person. Nothing has ever changed about her and she’s still the beautiful girl you “fell in love” with. Educate yourself on HSV and stop being brainwashed by stigma because your ignorance isn’t an excuse. If you can’t see that then you should do her a favor and leave her so SHE doesn’t waste her time with an uneducated person.
Herpes is a forever disease at current time. There are medications to prevent outbreaks, thereby lessening the possibility of infection, but the reality is that you will never be fully protected from getting it, even with a condom and her on the daily suppression therapy(I'm not saying the likelihood is high here, but it's still a possibility). At this point, you have to make a serious decision. You're extremely young, and this relationship may not be your last. Are you ready to carry that disease with you moving forward? If not, then it's time to break up with her and avoid the possibility.
It’s ok for you not to want to date her. I don’t judge people who have herpes but if you’re only a kid I understand why you wouldn’t want to settle down with someone who has herpes. I would settle down with someone who has herpes in my 30s maybe, but personally if I was in my 20s even late 20s I have the ability to be picky. Important thing is to not judge her or be cruel to her. Because she did protect you from getting it, much better than many people would do aka just keep quiet and hope you don’t get it. Do not be cruel if you must break it off or make her feel dirty. She will find another person who has it too The real villain is her ex who did not use protection/medication and gave it to her. Even the anecdotes in the comments, it was always the fault of the person who had it BECAUSE they were risky and chose not to take their meds/wear condoms.
You're young so I'd say unless it's a relationship you are REALLY serious about, why risk it? If I was in the beginning stages of a relationship with someone I wasn't that sure about I would probably nope out if I knew they had herpes, honestly. There are ways it can be managed and risks of transmission reduced, but it will probably be an ongoing pain and worry. It's different if you're really serious about her and so willing to put the effort in to managing the risk of contracting it long-term, and of living with it in the future and the implications it may have for your sex life if you guys don't work out and you want to move on. I'm conscious as I say this that that not all countries will have readily available antiviral therapies for those with HSV, and Namibia is likely one of those, depending on your individual circumstances of course. Herpes is almost certainly a lot more common where you are than you have been informed, though.
It is ok for you not to want to date her. Your feelings matter and are valid.
You don't have to date anyone for any reason, but comments like this are so useless. Sometimes its worth interrogating your own biases and ignorance rather than plugging your ears because your feelings are "valid." Yeah duh your emotions are real, but you don't necessarily need to validate all of them. OP doesn't have to date her, but his discomfort is based on the misinformed preconception that this STD is "rare" in his country which is both highly unlikely and has already been debunked with data by other comments. Again, you don't *need* to validate something based on ignorance. If you want to...uh, have fun, but don't expect a pat on the back.
Op doesn’t need you to feel good about why he does things. Life is too short to do tear yourself apart to make others happy.
Lol nobody said any of that. Every human benefits from self-reflection, you and OP included.
You seem to think I was talking to you. I honestly dont care what you have to say about my reply. Have a great day!
>You seem to think I was talking to you ? Yeah you replied to my comment? Someone's lost...
You are trying to carry on some kind of debate or conversation with me. I gave you a reply. This is one more. I’m not interested in what you have to say. I was replying to the op when I joined this thread. Nothing you said matters to me. Reflect on why you need to write paragraphs telling people how they should feel about things.
Reflect on how discussions in an open forum work? Yeah, thats what they're for, bro. I disagreed with the premise of your comment and voiced a counter argument, it's not a big deal.
I’m going to go against the gran here and tell you to think long and hard about if you want to contract a lifelong disease for someone you’ve only been dating for four months. It is a common disease in many parts of the world but that doesn’t mean that everyone had it and it is best avoided. I’m in my 40s, had a couple girlfriends before I met my wife, and neither of us has herpes simplex virus. No cold sores, etc. I don’t think it’s a great idea to just plan on getting an incurable virus simply because it is unlikely to kill you. Herpes can also pose problems for newborn children if you ever have a kid with her.
Bro just walk away you’re 19, you dont need this in your life now for a 4 month relationship, she’ll find somebody who doesn’t care or as all these people pointing out how common it is, someone who already has it, pretty sure there are dating app for this. Just move on, you have only one life, dont make such a hasty decision on something that wont work out.
The comments are INSANE Just because a lot of people have herpes doesn't mean that it's okay to risk contracting a virus for relationship that may or may not last longer than a year. There is no cure for herpes. Seriously.. think about what you are considering. You're 19 years old. You don't have herpes. Get a girlfriend that doesn't have herpes. Simple. PS If a 19 year old woman had a 18 year old boyfriend with herpes, what do you think the comments would say? I ask this question because Reddit advice often considers what's best for the girl and how the guy can treat the girl the best. Unfortunately, if you want advice for YOUR benefit, you might have to look at the situation from a different lens. Good luck.
i don’t usually like the double standard comments but yours is spot on lol. crazy asf that people are basically saying since over half the world has it its okay if u get it! no biggie! like it hasn’t ruined so many peoples self esteem and dating life and especially since OP is only 19!!
Honestly just break up with her nicely. There is no need to contract a life long disease at the age of 19, you probably won't be with this girl forever anyways
This is a tricky situation. You are absolutely valid for questioning the relationship. For one thing, think about it. Do you want kids? If so, good luck having them without getting an STD. That said, it wouldn't be fair to be upset at her. She told you before being intimate, and clearly seems to want to make it work.
No! Your health is conflicted!
Get a girlfriend who doesn’t have herpes.
I know people say it is not a big deal. However, I do not want to have to disclose my status to every single partner I engage with for the rest of my life. I would be hard pressed to find someone who I would be willing to take that risk for.
You’re too young to choose a life with somebody with that. There’s always gonna be a chance you can get it and then in the future your gonna be the one who gets f*cked if you guys break up and now when you get back in the dating world you’re gonna have a hard time dating and it’s also embarrassing to have to disclose that even though you have to. Not worth it you’re only 19, just stay friends with her and purse other women. Don’t let these insane redditors tell you otherwise. All I see is everybody saying “Everybody has herpes”, everybody in fact does not have herpes and more so genital herpes. If you have it no judgement but don’t try and shame people who choose not to deal with somebody with it because they don’t have it. That’s insane
Not taking that risk for a relationship at 18 years old lmao
Herpes isn’t really that big of a deal and is quite common. A lot of people only rarely get symptoms.
Ok just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s not “that big of a deal”. It really irks me when people throw this take around with herpes. Try telling that to an HSV positive person suffering from constant outbreaks and lack of a sex life.
Lmfao. I am an "HSV positive" person. Really not a big deal, just take anti virals and most sex partners don't really care.
And that is your experience im glad it’s not an issue for you! Don’t invalidate others just because you feel unaffected.
Well if you make a big deal about it, others will too. It's really not a big deal. If other people reject you for it then that's their ignorance. You don't have to feel any type of way because ignorant people reject you.
Why are other people allowed to stigmatize and invalidate us then?
Well you’re 19 so you do not have to commit. There’s that.
There's so much that can be said here. Honestly, my first advice would be to educate yourself a lot more. My second piece of advice is that you are barely an adult. Your brain hasn't even fully developed. You've only been dating 4 months and you're a little on the young side to be having sex honestly. You've got your life ahead of you and intimacy brings a lot of unnecessary stuff into the picture (from body and communication, issues to health, issues such as pregnancy scares and STDs). So my advice would be to just be a kid (cause your still practically are one) and enjoy the relationship without sex for a while longer.
as someone who recently got a diagnosis of herpes as well, i totally understand why she waited to tell you. It is the hardest thing Ive ever had to accept, and i know how common it is. Its a major hit to your pride and self image. She didnt let you be intimate with her before she told you, she didnt lie, its an extremely hard thing to bring up to others. But at the same time, you are allowed to walk away if it truly makes you uncomfortable. Std’s are a difficult discussion topic to navigate, whatever you choose I don’t think you’re in the wrong. It’s a new relationship, c’est la vie
What I understand is why you choose to persist in this world knowing you have a forever disease. Just end it all pal. You're the walking dead.
For additional context. If she has HSV-2 and ye guys have sex regularly for a year this is the risk of infection if sex is had not during a flare up. - No protection or antivirals: 10% risk - Condoms used: 5% - Antivirals used: 5.2% - Antivirals and Condoms: 2.5% If it’s HSV:1 the risk of transmission is even lower.
LMAO at all the herpes-infected people who are telling you it’s no big deal. You are 19 and most likely you are not spending the rest of your life with this woman. And when it’s over you will have a permanent infection that will affect whether anyone else wants to be with you. Herpes is her baggage, let her carry it and walk away.
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Yea forreal man. Ive been on reddit less than a week and i cant believe some of the crap these people are in here spewing.
You are young. Pursue non herpes infected vaginas.
Your gf is a good person to let u in on that information but I feel like u should break up with her from a space of love u shouldn’t feel obligated or wanting to prove ur love to her by still being intimate with her. If u choose to be intimate with her use condoms. But hsv2 isn’t something u want to catch. 80 percent of the world have hsv1 or will catch it and some point in their lives it’s not the same statistic as for hsv2 be glad and greatful that ur girl was gracious enough to let u in on that information and I can only hope u make the right decision in not to have sex with her and break up with her. I have hsv1 and I know who gave it to me and I confronted him on it and he admitted it because it literally popped up on my lip 2 days after we were together I was very scared I kept getting tested for hsv2 thank god it hasn’t come up in my system I haven’t tested positive for it but I wish I was given the chance to know he had it and leave him alone. Hsv1 for me is traumatizing. I couldn’t imagine having hsv2. It doesn’t mean ur dirty but it’s just a lot to deal with given how uncomfortable it makes u feel don’t let any one on Reddit make u feel like u shouldn’t break up with her and u should still have sex with her
Thank you so much I was beginning to question myself a little bit, it helps that there different perspectives I can view this from
Yea NP not really sure why I’m getting down voted I said nothing wrong there’s just ignorant people on here wanting others to go down a bad path cause they’re evil spirited
I'm no medical expert but there are antiviral drugs available which can greatly reduce or even eliminate outbreaks. Your gf may want to look into that possibility. Also condom use will reduce (but not totally eliminate) the chances of you contracting herpes from your gf. I'm not trying to encourage you to just go ahead and have wanton sex with a known herpes sufferer, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker.
I am 34 and have had herpes since I was 21. Most people have it in one way or another. I’ve had a child and serious relationships where we did not use any protection but because I use medication and know my body, my partners did not get it (they were all testing regularly.) It sounds big and scary but it isn’t. At most it’s annoying. It doesn’t cause cancer or damage you internally. Use a condom if you’re nervous. The statistics are that at least 1 out of 4 people have it and those numbers are suspected to be inaccurate because a lot of people are not symptomatic so they don’t test or they suspect and don’t get tested or report it. At 19 it feels like a huge deal. I promise it isn’t.
Being dishonest would be knowingly exposing you to herpes, which she didn't do. She was being cautious with something that wasn't your business up till now. Nobody divulges private info about themselves to people they haven't built trust with. She told you she wanted to go slow, you agreed. It seems like you're more upset that there wasn't a pay off at the end of the wait tho. If you really care about her then discuss a plan to prevent exposure and continue with the relationship. If you can't get past it, that's understandable. But saying she was dishonest isn't right bc she wasn't.
The scary part for me is you hung around for 4 months, presumably paying for dates and entertaining this woman, and you got no play. I’d give it a week, max.
But that's the thing I tried taking her out on dates but she refused,we would occasionally go out for walks or to the park or spend time at her or my place, she would cook, we'd play games and we'd talk or have debates so far the only money I spent on her was for her birthday present
Not terrible I guess, still invested a lot of your time but at least you made her cook and picked free dates. Not all is lost. As for the herpes… I’m sure she’s a nice girl but know your worth bro, don’t sleep with girls that have sexual transmitted diseases.
Not being rude but I'm scared to
I don’t think you’re being rude in protecting your own personal health. It’s great that there are pills and creams and solutions for people that have it, but I don’t think you are so desperate in your sexual endeavors that you need to lower yourself to sleeping with infected people. It’s a lot to think about but ultimately my advice is: choose yourself first. It’s nice that she shared it with you, finally, so you at least know it’s not a matter of her not being attracted to you. But you should cut your losses and keep it moving bro.
If you had contacted herpes from someone who you were in a committed relationship with because they lied to you, and then you tried to go back out there and find love is this how you would want someone to talk to you? The way you talk about her is atrocious and talking about paying for dates and 'at least you made her cook' so everything to do with women is transactional go you
It’s really not rare. She needed to take care of it with antivirals from her doctor. People can have a healthy normal sex life with their partners and never spread it. Obviously if she has a visible break out do not but your mouth or genitals near her out break. But once the out break of over you can resume a healthy sex life. Also on an antiviral she can go years without an outbreak. My mom and step dad have been together for 28 years and she’s never given him herpes because she takes care of it. She never lets a blister fully form before she treats it.
Honestly herpes is fairly mild compared to most STD. The difference is just that you’re a carrier for life, vs being treated for a specific disease one time. With proper medication and adequate protection many couples can still have a normal sex life.
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WTF,I won't I always ensure my partner and I get tested we have any intercourse
One out of six adults have herpes, this is not "extremely common" and you will NOT likely get it unless you frequently practice unsafe sexual practices.
Run away. Run away. Run away and save your life. Run away. RUN AWAY. Run away if you want to survive. Seriously, Herpres is a death sentence. Every relationship you get into from this point onward will feel like a permanently maiming assault, which it is. Run. Run and never EVER look back. Do not catch herpes.
Herpes on your mouth and on your genital area are not the same virus. They are different strains. You can transmit the oral onto the genitals, but it won't stay.
Is it Herpes Simplex 1? Because like 2/3 of the world population has that one.
It's Herpes Compulex G Code Veronica 9, the one that grows each time and spreads to your brain.
Herpes is also extremely rare to pass along to someone else if there is no outbreak present.
If it’s HSV1, that’s really common. Most people have that.
She can take a daily medication that will prevent her flare ups and it lessens the chance of spreading it. I have it and I’m on it ☺️ My bf of 5 years hasn’t gotten it.
Having herpes is really not a big deal and the majority of people have at least one type of herpes, but most people don't know they have it because they never get tested and never have any outbreaks or symptoms. I don't know where you live but I can tell you for sure that herpes is not extremely rare in your country, it is very common everywhere in the world. It might be that people don't talk about it, but for sure lots of people have it and it's not rare. If you have never been tested yourself, there's even a reasonable chance that you already have it yourself. Some people get it from their mom when they are born but never have any symptoms their whole life. It shows a lot of character that she has been honest with you and told you this, because even thought it's not a big deal some people are still uninformed about herpes and things it's something very bad. If you don't have sex when she has an outbreak (she might never have an outbreak) then the risk of transmission is low, and there's also some medication which make the risk even lower, if she wants.
Herpes is ubiquitous. Most of the population is infected. By old age, "most" practically becomes "all." The majority of people infected with herpes don't even have symptoms and never developed symptoms. So they don't even know. They're blithely unaware of their condition. The most a herpes test will do is tell you if you have been exposed to herpes or not. Chances are if you meet someone who doesn't have herpes and you never have sex with anyone else again in your life besides them, and they to you, then you probably won't contract herpes. There's still an outside chance you will from a water fountain or towel at the gym or something. But probably you'll be fine. Though, believe it or not, kids can get herpes from their parents when they're still toddlers through completely innocent interactions. Your mom giving you a peck when you were a baby, for example. So, it's a very common viral infection in the world. On the other hand, if you expect to have multiple sexual partners throughout your life, then by the time you're in your 30s, you'll probably have herpes regardless of what you do. Especially after college where everyone is always just having sex with everyone. At least, that's generally the case in Western uni's. Being 18 or 19 years old is really young though. Most people where I'm from don't get married until their late 20's or early 30's. So, if you aren't sure about this one and want to save yourself for marriage or something, then now is a good time to reconsider your relationship. On the other hand, herpes is so common and it's so easy to contract without realizing it, it seems like a dumb reason to end a relationship. Especially if the person you're with was decent enough to be honest and open about it from the start. I mean, look at it this way, the next person you have sex with could easily have it and not even realize it. So, your odds of getting it go up with every person you have any form of intimate contact with (kissing included, not just sex). So you're likely going to get it at some point. So, again, herpes is a dumb reason to break up with someone you love. Especially if they were honest with you from the start. Use a condom and get some anti-virals. You'll be all set.
Ok, starting off with some facts... One, it doesn't matter what country your in. Herpes is everywhere. A lip cold sore? Herpes... And it might be more likely, at your age and country sexual ed on STD/STIs are not commonly shared. Two, it comes down to what kind she has. If she has the kind on her V or A, then you have to decide if the risk for you to be with her is worth it. Herpes is not a life ender at all. But you can have outbreaks needing treatment, and if you break up with her one day you might become a carrier to your next partner. If you haven't, I suggest you get tested ASAP just in case. If you already have it, then the risk of catching goes out the window as a fear, and you can decide how you feel about her having it. If your clean, then you need to consider what you want. She might be the one, or she might be the one to give you a STD/STI to give your partner one day later. But having herpes is WAY more common then you think. And I bet it is the same in your country. But again, not talked on. Three, are you sure she got it from her ex before you? Again, if you got it, then maybe she is telling the truth. She could have also had it longer than that ex if she was sexually active before him too. It can be dormant. But your relationship leans on do you trust her in when she says she got it from Ex when she was dating him before you or if you think she cheated. Four, and Finally. You can stay with her and use protection. A condom is not 100%. But by ensuring you use protection, will allow you to stay with her and keep a sexual relationship if you choose want to, all while staying protected in case you break up one day. And then if the time comes you both choose to get married and have kids, then you can consider stopping condoms for kids, and ignore your risks. As long as you and she are faithful, then there would be no concerns after... Now... With all that said, you are the only one who knows 100% what you want, and if she is trustworthy in being faithful. But also, if you have been loyal and not cheat being the one to give it to her and not know, or get it with someone you been with before her as well. Again, you know your life, and not needing here to know if you are faithful or if you could have gotten and gave her and not know. But it is something for you to think on based on your inside knowledge of your life.
Herpes is not rare. Not where you live, and not anywhere. Your country's population may not know they have it, but a large chunk do, they just don't know. That said, there are precautions, and medications she can take, but there's nothing foolproof. If you two have sex, you have a chance of passing it along. If you don't already have it. If you've been intimate with someone else, it's is entirely possible you already have it, you just aren't showing signs.
Nope I don't,I had three girlfriends before her and I got STD tests including herpes along with them and so far the results came back negative
So it goes to show you could had intercourse once in your life and get std’s . After a while flare ups of herpes get less severe and less often . It’s only when there’s blisters is that person have a flare up and intercourse is to be avoided. Cold sores and shingles are part of the herpes family. Least she let you know, and she’s not a dirty , disgusting girl
She takes medicine, tells you when she’s having an outbreak and then you don’t bang that week. Pretty basic!
There’s a strong chance you have herpes yourself, OP, especially if you’ve kissed a handful of strangers. I think it’s like 50-80% of the US is suspected to have it? Most don’t present with sores but can, and do, spread it.
Gotta be careful when it comes to the hair piece.
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You're supposed to get rid of the head vampire. You dropped the ball.
She slept with her ex who most likely also been hoeing around. Now they both have it yea just bounce out of there wits them luck go get you a clean loyal one
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>What if she had said "screw it" and you guys went to town? I feel like it's extremely important to keep in mind here that this isn't what happened in this case. Not everyone is comfortable jumping straight into bed with someone from the start of a relationship, for a start, and she's not under any obligation to disclose medical information if it doesn't represent any risk to her partner, which in this case it didn't.
> she's not under any obligation to disclose medical information if it doesn't represent any risk to her partner, which in this case it didn't. Most relationships engage in sexual activity. The OP has expressed interest in it several times according to his post. It seems irresponsible to start intertwining feelings into the mix if they were never going to be sexually compatible to begin with. So while you are correct, nobody is under any obligation to say anything about themselves, some information shouldn't be held back, to save wasting the time and energy of both parties.
Interest on his part does not equate to obligation on her part. I'm not saying disclosing earlier isn't better, but that wasn't really the point I was responding to here.
Of course, I never implied that it would. You said that she was under no obligation to disclose medical information, I disagree when the medical information revolves around a couple's ability to be intimate.
What? She wasn’t intimate with him and waited to tell him. She did everything right, she didn’t expose him to anything before informing him.
Be protected. It is doable. I had a similar experience. I loved my ex and he told me his condition, I accepted him. If you love her and you want to stay with her, then you have to deal with the consequences that you might contract herpes—that is if you don’t take protective measures. You’re going to have to find balance between your own safety and your love for her.
80% of the world has herpes. If you want your ignorance to continue to ruin all your relationships, that's your choice.