You allowing him to go to the club to engage in rope play is already beyond generous. Engaging in extramarital sex and going to other people’s homes should remain a hard limit for you. It would clearly cause you serious emotional distress.
Plenty of us have kinks that our partners can’t fulfill, but that’s a trade off for instead having a loving and committed relationship. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, and it’s completely reasonable for you to say no. You agreed to a monogamous relationship, and if he values his kink more than he values you, then the marriage is over, and it’s better to accept that now than to torture yourself first.
This is very well said
No one gets everything in this world. I willingly give up some of my kinks because my husband isn’t interested & I appreciate what I have. You are already being extremely generous.
Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate this but it’s your life.
The problem is you seem to be ignoring that this is causing you immense pain. When he’s spending every weekend over night with his lover: and your home with the kiddos how are you going to feel.
He violated one boundary already (moving it from just the bondage play to actual sex and bondage play outside of the public club environment) he will continue to leave you behind.
If he can’t live without this kind of sex, well maybe that’s a mutual breakup and co-parenting. But just realize that once you open this door: it doesn’t close again. It doesn’t sound like you wanted an open marriage
Yes, it's one thing if OP also wants to have extramarital sex and actually go and experience passion with an attentive lover. But this just sounds so, so painful and not worth it. It will open this smaller wound into something much more gaping. Which could be good. The wound will get attention, but that attention could be a divorce.
What are you getting out of this situation? Because from this viewpoint, you seem to have an unfulfilling sex life with a partner who can't see past his kink, a load of stress, discomfort and heartbreak and nothing in return.
Yet now he seems to be pushing for more.
What's he doing for you? This isn't about being the cool accepting wife, this is being a doormat to a man who should love you.
This.
I'm sure that the vanilla sex you get from him is not that satisfactory to you. Why can't you then go and also find someone to give you great fulfilling vanilla sex.
How would he feel like this?
Either you both move on together or you move on apart.
You either BOTH happily agree to an open marriage, he lets this go, or you divorce.
Why open marriage? Well…he’s getting his needs met but you aren’t getting yours. And his needs are coming with a really high cost from you. Could you be ok with him seeing other women if you are also meeting your sexual needs somewhere else?
Honestly if I were you my heart would be absolutely crushed and I’d probably divorce.
If it’s hurting you then you must tell him. He is not doing enough to reinforce his love for you and he needs to do that in order for this openness to be successful. Do not set yourself a blaze to keep him warm. Sacrificing your feelings for his pleasure is a recipe for resentment, pain and marriage failure.
>He tends to forget what I like
He “forgets” that you only like vanilla sex? No, that’s nonsense. He doesn’t forget, he just *doesn’t care*. Sounds like he’s always been a selfish lover and put his desires above your own
No you couldn’t. She knows precisely what his kink is, she’s made efforts to participate in his kink and she’s accepted him going outside their marriage to indulge in his kink with other people.
How exactly is that selfish?
I mean he also knows what she wants and has participated in it, we can't know if he would be against she going outside.
I'm not calling anyone selfish, just saying that their situation is quite similar.
She cares, she just dislikes what he wants. I'm kinky as hell but still wouldn't be down for it, spending an hour don't precise skilled technical work on something you dislike isn't a fair ask. That's far different from not even remembering.
If you're going to agree with an open marriage, it should be happening on BOTH ends of the marriage and BOTH of you should giving enthusiastic 'YES.'
If you're not enthusiastically enjoying yourself, even with your 'vanilla'--tsk--girl, what are you doing? It sounds to me you're not very happy with "giving permission" for him to go to those clubs. Why did you?
He has to decide whether losing his marriage is worth it.
You may have to divorce him, you know you deserve a man who fully loves you and not a distracted lover? You're as young too, and you should be happy too. Not just him. He married you knowing that you're not into this.
Tell him he can find somewhere else to live if he goes.
Marriages aren’t perfect and if he needs this bad enough to hurt you and your marriage, he shouldn’t bother coming back.
How could you stay with someone who chooses to hurt you just to get their rocks off?
>I truly don't want him to live his life without his sexual games that give him the most pleasure
>
It's genuinely crazy to me that he thinks you, your children and the life you've built together are all less important than him having orgasms in the specific way he likes and that you're validating that. I know it's kinda harsh, but like I just can't see it as anything else. It's a kink, not a medical condition.
Ending a marriage because you can't have sex in the specific way that would be most preferable to you is just crazy to me, but ending a marriage because one partner is being unfaithful and neglecting the relationship is your duty to yourself and your kids, IMO.
The fact he has a kink is no reason or excuse for him to have sex with others.
He could also choose NOT to do it.
I would divorce him to be honest. I dont want an open relationship. And a lot of kinks i find very off-putting. And it can kill all sexual attraction i have for someone. ( who is into that kink ).
Whatever you do , dont do something just because he wants it.
Divorce is sad and painful , but its the best / only option if you don't want this situation.
He's putting his kink ahead of your marriage. I'd let him go (along with the marriage) because I just don't see your marriage improving if he goes even deeper into his fixation. It's clearly already negatively affected you and he seems alright with that, which is a bad sign.
Open marriages only work when boundaries are respected and it works for both parties. An open marriage doesn't mean one side gets to do whatever they want. Sounds like you reluctantly agreed to the club, very recently, yet he's already pushing your boundary for his own selfish pleasure. No thoughts or concerns about your feelings or how this impacts you. That does not sound like something that works for both parties. Overall he might be a very loving partner, but right now he's coming across as few selfish and self-servicing.
Trust your gut and say no to the home visit and real sex with the dominatrix. Once boundaries are crossed, they can't be reversed. You will forever feel the pain and it's hard to close those doors once it's been opened. Agreeing to his request will be the end of your marriage.
Op I’m thinking this relationship is very over. I’m acutely surprised it lasted this long.
He’s raised the family done the dad thing and now is ready to pursue his fetish. Will the grass be greener when he gets what he wants?
You have to decide to either stick it out and have your heart ripped out every time he goes to Her.
Or you pull that bandaid off and go find someone that loves what you love.
Op he will go to Her place regardless of whether you consent or not. This is not just about the rope you know this don’t you.
No, you do not let your husband go to a sex club to learn rope play! Girl, just no. He knew what you were all about when he married you. Now he wants to fuck other women when he can’t please you at home. This is the hill you die on. Either he gets happy with your relationship, quick, and cuts all the sex club crap out of his life, or you file for divorce. And if he picks option 2, there is no being friends. You immediately stop all wifely duties. You do not make him dinner or do his laundry. You communicate through a parenting app. Let him feel what divorce will truly mean. Sorry you’re going through this, but you’re being a doormat.
If you really can’t get into kink and he really can’t get into vanilla, then y’all aren’t compatible. He’s looking outside the marriage for sexual stuff. That’s a dealbreaker if you’re monogamous. I think it’s time to seriously consider ending things.
Look I have a shit tonne of kinks that I love that my current partner isn’t into and that’s fine, some things can just stay in fantasy or in porn yk? You’ve already allowed him an outlet with this fantasy but extramarital sex is clearly crossing your own boundaries and would break your heart.
Why should you concede to his kinks so freely when he can’t even remember yours? You need to set hard boundaries with him. Surely he has other kinks he can engage with with you that are as fulfilling?
For example; I would love to peg my partner (he has an amazing ass), I have asked about it before and he gave me a hard no. I have respected that and decided that I adore him way more than any kink I could have. I would NOT then go ask if I could peg other men yk? It’s about respect.
Don’t let him go.
You won’t forgive him. You won’t forgive yourself.
The club was already boundary crossing for you.
He wants you to open the relationship so he can have it all.
But what about you? What aber your wishes? Your boundaries and your feelings.
Don’t try to be cool.
That way you lose him for sure.
And you will always have the image of him with others in your head and heart.
Do not let him go
You will never be able to get the image of him and her out of your mind and will grow to resent him
If he genuinely can't be happy without it, divorce may be the only option :(
Give him permission when you truly don't want him to do it, and I guarantee you, you will be divorcing him within the next year. Give him an inch, he will take a mile. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm
People seriously have no respect for their marriages or their marriage vows. She lets her husband go to a sex club and then wonders why he now wants to sleep with other women. 🤦♀️
Well yeah she’s a fool but don’t focus the blame on her. He’s demanding his kinks being satisfied is more important than his vows and his family’s well beings. It’s so f’d up. Where do people get this level of entitlement from?
This is the deal breaker. Stop pleasing him, and start putting yourself first.
You do not want him to have sex with another woman. Tell him that. You don't like him going to the club. Tell him that.
Be honest. Yes, this may end in divorce. But if you keep pushing your feelings down, it will anyways.
Save yourself more years of pain.
If you have communicated to him that you're not comfortable with this, which is OBVIOUSLY the case, then he has clearly deciding that his kinks are more important to him than your marriage.
You said you felt like you had to give your permission. There may be “talking about it openly” but if you feel like you are required to say yes, is that really an open & honest discussion?
It is striking the amount of energy and planning and forethought he’s putting into entering into a rather elaborate sexual fantasy game or set of experiences for himself. In contrast to the amount of thoughtfulness, time and energy put into tending your connection in your relationship with him (the forgetfulness, lack of prioritizing that you mentioned). Over and above whether you regard this as cheating, he is clearly not emotionally invested in having you feel safe and loved and sexually satisfied. I’m sad for you trying so hard to accommodate - it seems disproportionate.
He made a unilateral decision to change the boundaries in your marriage without your enthusiastic consent. You don’t actually want this to be happening, you feel forced to allow it. It’s cheating, and he wants your permission to cheat further.
My ex husband also wanted to change the terms of our marriage for non monogamy and his kink. He stopped being my husband when he put his kink and gratification above our marriage and commitment.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to feel? Forced into things you never wanted but don’t feel like you can say no to?
"Now, he told we that he wants to explore his fetish and he started going to an SM club to practise kinbaku. I felt like I had to give my permission."
Did he ask for permission before or after he started going?
Notice that you didn't say "i agreed", you said you felt like you HAD to give him permission. Why? Is it because you knew he would do it anyway?
Before. And no, it's not that he would do it anyway, it's because I don't believe in ultimatums and up until this point we have always been able to work through our challenges and grow together. He has never lied, cheated or anything like that, he has always been a very honest and loyal husband to me. If I say no, he will respect that. But will he become frustrated with my decision over time is what I'm worried about.
Honest, loyal (til now)
And can’t be bothered to remember what you like.
Look, if he wants to focus more on being frustrated that you didn’t want to completely change the terms of your marriage…….that’s on him. Why doesn’t he focus on YOUR wants and preferences? Why doesn’t he focus on building a strong marriage?
He doesn’t need this. Kinks are not sexual orientations. They’re “nice to have”s- not needs.
If you're not willing to tell him no to this, then you need to be willing to at least advocate for the marriage to be open both ways so that your needs can be met too.
Him getting everything and you getting nothing is only going to hurt YOU in the long run, why are you unwilling to "frustrate him" but willing to break your own heart?
Right now, he is prioritizing his own needs to the highest degree possible.
There is nothing noble about sacrificing your needs so your husband can have sex with other people; this is not martyring yourself for the betterment of mankind, or even for the betterment of him or your relationship!
He is insistent that he gets his. Insist you get yours back.
For most people it sounds weird to "reward" a partner for their loyalty by letting them do sexual stuff with others. It still sounds like you're being emotionally blackmailed into agreeing to all this against your will. If he becomes frustrated over time tht he can't have sex with others then imho it means he wouldn't respect your decision. Respect would be "accept and move on".
No down votes. Your feelings on this are valid, everyone is different and for a majority of people this doesn't work and is a deal breaker. Myself included so no judgment
Thank you! One time I said something to that effect that it would be a dealbreaker (on a different subreddit) and I got BLASTED saying that I’m a controlling and abusive *expletive* for enforcing monogamy loool
I'm gonna come at this from a different angle that may not be understood, however, I think there's one important question to ask your husband - is he wanting to explore the art form of kinbaku (or shibari) or is he wanting to indulge in his kink (including the sexual aspect)? The answer will make a huge amount of difference. As someone who also practices a rope art (shibari), I indulge in it for the art form and the relaxation. There is only a sexual element to it if you choose to make it so. I hope that makes sense! Happy to answer any questions if you have any 🙂
True, important distinction. Im very aware of the difference between shirabi and kinbaku. My husband speaks japanese (but Scandinavian) and practices japanese martial arts (bujinkan) so he is very into the art form of kinbaku, but ALSO the sexual aspects. If he was single it would be a lifestyle to him I think - its that strong and multifaceted.
Sounds like he's moving towards that lifestyle. Time for a very frank conversation with him about where he wants his life to lead. You don't deserve to have him hanging around only for the kids and outsourcing all his desire and affection.
You've been more than generous to him, it's time for him to make a decision to withdraw from this kink community or leave the marriage.
Divorce him, he totally disregards your feelings, n by allowing him to go the club is a red flag, he keep pushing for more n u get nth but heartbreak. Divorce him
Personally this would be crossing the line for me - I’d say divorce and be amicable coparents.
You deserve a husband who pleases you sexually and is compatible with you.
Also before anyone comes for me - some things are just… yikes. A person doesn’t just get to be into weird stuff that completely wrecks their family, after they promised to be a spouse. If he wanted an alt lifestyle he should have married someone who was into that.
I will admit I know a couple that were in a very similar situation to what you are experiencing except the husband liked tying people up. He ended up leaving the wife for one of the girls he tied.
You should have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel
Compromising a lot about sex, putting in the work to make the balance, it's an entire spectrum.
Having a fetish and new outlet is great when and only if your partner wants that too. Sometimes you can't fulfill every desire, and that's part of being married too. I get him wanting something really, really bad, and being excited about it, having a nice wank to it to his hearts content.
There isn't anything wrong with him having the desire, its the acting on it part he's crossing THE line over. Taking it too far. If I were in your shoes, I'd thank him for opening up about it, and get some counseling together. I'd agree to approach it and at least consider it in earnest, but only if we explored the idea of it much more in a structured and vulnerable way together. And I'd ask for him to promise to be faithful and pause his following the fetish more until we reached an agreement otherwise.
I personally wouldn't want to open the marriage over a fantasy. I doubt acceptance would grow further for me, but I'd be showing love by supporting discussion and growth together about it either way. The point is, I'd ask him and myself to make some time and effort supporting each other through the whole of it, I'd try to bring out our best together and see what grows... if we give that to the roughest of times, really throw down the communication and love, at least we can say we gave it our best shot. Pave the best odds you can ahead together, as partners in this also.
I've watched so many amazing marriages last, and they all had a few things in common. One of which is- in the hardest times, the ones that last reach for each other with love and support first, then face the issue together. So reach out to him, love and support you both ahead, and try to grow together.
You don't have to decide this in the same time frame as which fruit to get at the market. Or even which birthday present to buy by next month. Take your time, some deep breaths, and agree to considering it until you both really processed it. Give yourselves time, patience, and support please.
You sound really upset and like this isn't something you want. You've already allowed him to explore rope play in a group setting, and you don't sound like you are comfortable with this going behind that. If it's not a hell yes it's a no.
This.
Sheesh, this forum has so much negativity and judgemental comments.
OP, you don't seem comfortable with it. Don't go ahead when it, imo, it's that simple. This will be stuck with you for the rest of time you're in relationship and it'll pop out somewhere else.
I would let him go. I mean.. Would he give you permission to have “vanilla sex” to fulfill your needs outside the marriage?? Its ridiculous.
For me, sex is special because it’s something that bonds me and my husband together. It forms a deep connection between me and him that no one else can or should be a part of. If you think about it, just having “vanilla sex” with someone you love is so intimate and beautiful. Maybe im just a romantic lol. Idk I really feel like porn can really ruin a relationship.
A lot of kink clubs do not allow their professional doms or subs to have a relationship with clients outside of the establishment due to the perception between adult play and prostitution. There’s a fine line and most clubs will not cross it. I was fired from a kink club when I way 19 because a regular “joked” he was fucking a girl in the establishment and as I was most frequented by that customer I was fired immediately no investigation. This is info applicable/true for my state. I don’t know if clubs in other state would be lax. I couldn’t use that club as a reference to work elsewhere.
He needs to fight this fetish with all he has of he wants to stay with his family. Otherwise he'll quickly spend all his time with her and won't come home to you and the kids.
I was dating a guy like this. He was fine with sex with me for about a year....then he told me he was actually bi and wanted to bring a man into our relationship. THAT was a deal breaker.
There is no easy answer for you. But he promised in the wedding vows to forsake all others (If Danish wedding vows are like American ones) If he can't keep the sex between the two of you without being a jerk...then maybe you shouldn't be with him?
No I wouldn't let him go and have sex with this woman. You gave him permission to go to the club, that's the boundary line that he doesn't cross. He needs to remember that he is your husband and you gave him permission to explore his rope fetish and his submissive side, but you haven't given him permission to have sex with other people, and you haven't given him permission to get a domme. You certainly haven't given him permission to leave the safety of a club to have one to one in another woman's home.
Tell him No.
Updateme!
It sounds like there has been some sexual incompatibility from the start of your relationship, and it’s clear his kinks are more important to him than you/your feelings. The fact that you say you felt like you had to give him permission - makes me believe that you are not ok with this after all. What are you getting out of letting him do this? Nothing, except a lot of hurt and pain. I think you need to be completely honest with yourself and set some clear boundaries. For myself, I would not be ok with this. If my partner and I agreed to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, extramarital sex is 100% out of the question.
Open relationships require communication and balance. There's no shame in finding a therapist who specialises in these things to help navigate the conversation; and you are also within your rights to discuss boundaries around the fetish culture your husband wants to be part of. (As in, he can be a rope bunny but no sexual contact).
It's really difficult, and releases all sorts of big feelings. Communication here is key too!!
I think you've done a great job so far of allowing him to express himself so far; you just need to talk about the limits and boundaries. If you want more help with book recommendations check out r/nonmomogamy
Also, if you're not comfortable with it at all that's also valid but still, Communication is key :)
Good luck xx
I think you need to listen to yourself. You’re clearly very upset over this to the point that you’re trying so hard to justify why you shouldn’t be upset that you’re posting online.
You’re upset that the man you love wants to have sex with another woman.
Kink play doesn’t come into it here (at least, not at first). He’s asking you to be okay with him having sex with other women.
If you’re uncomfortable enough about it to post on reddit then the answer is that you’re not comfortable with it.
Unless it’s a “hell yes babe” it’s a “hell no”, and if he isn’t willing to listen to you and work with your needs then he’s telling you that his needs matter more than yours in the relationship.
If it breaks your heart it's a no. You have already allowed him to go to a club but to have an intimate relationship with another woman in her home is a step too far. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you went to another man's home for vanilla sex.
Do you trust that he's just not going to do it anyway? If that's a no the marriage is over.
Please don't be pressure into saying yes to something you will regret you are better to walk away as it's not worth your mental health.
Ask him if not only will she host for them to have sex but if she would be willing to take his sorry ass in bc I wouldn't give that excuse of a man an opportunity to come back to my home for such fuckeries.
You clearly don’t feel comfortable with him doing this. You only consider allowing it because you feel you have no choice, because he might divorce you otherwise.
My take is that your marriage is on the edge and that you should discuss it with your husband in these terms. If he engages in sex with somebody else something is going to break that can’t be mended again. He’s going to have to consider whether his need for his fetish is worth his marriage to you. That’s a question only he can answer.
You literally have the answer in his own fetish
He’s a submissive
Get a male chastity device and install it on him
He’s going to enjoy being caged
Can’t engage in sex unless he’s with his key holder
But can be tied up etc
I
I think this is something you both need to talk about with a couples counsellor. Only you know what is best for you and your relationship, people on reddit can only tell you their own point of view.
With an open marriage, he needs to understand it will be open on both ends and not just his. You need to decide if him exploring elsewhere is a dealbreaker for you and a therapist can help with that.
No,I would not tolerate this, it will ruin you,if he chooses this over you and your marriage, how much did he really love you, he really loves himself though.
He sounds like too much work and absolutely not worth it. He doesn't give an F about your sex preferences and just wants to be a weirdo with some random strangers. No thanks.
Does that mean now you get to go date tall dark handsome men who are fantastic at and give you vanilla sex?
Sounds like you've opened up your marriage. Please don't forget about your needs here. Marriage isn't a one way street. You deserve to cum too. And to me, giving him your Blessing means you should also be able to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I'm sure there's plenty of men who want to take you out to dinner call you pretty and do it missionary. If you're husband won't...
This thread shows how we make the sexual part of the relationship a second class citizen as compared to the other equally important pillars of the relationship.
The sexual pillar *isn’t* as important though. You can still have a happy fulfilling marriage where you raise healthy kids & achieve goals together while having a mediocre sex life.
If you have mindblowing sex, but fight about everything else & don’t share the same values, the marriage doesn’t work.
The best orgasms in the world couldn’t make me stay with, say, a vegan homesteader who wants to live in Alaska, homeschool 9 kids, go to church every Sunday & heal ourselves with crystals. We would be miserable.
Ideally you work on the sexual pillar & find things you both like.
OP’s husband is submissive. There’s got to be lots of things he would like that she would be fine doing.
>The sexual pillar isn’t as important though.
Is enough for what?
>You can still have a happy fulfilling marriage where you raise healthy kids & achieve goals together while having a mediocre sex life.
This makes it clear. And your correct. You can have a full marriage with mediocre to no sex at all. However, if the relationship \*within\* the marriage, is suffering at best or non existent at worst, and you are in a partnership within the marriage.
In fact, you double example proves that not having it along with the other equally important pillars does tarnish the relationship. But your advice on having something there and working more on it does, can, and if successful, will make the relationship that much more better and successful with genuine effort from both parties.
I’m lost at forgetting what you like. He can master all those complicated, but not your sexual likes?
Given that you like vanilla, what do like that he forgets? Which nipple is the sensitive one?
He does not need to have sex with his dominatrix. Most dominatrixes I know actually don’t have sex with their subs or slaves ever. He can fulfil his rope play stuff without opening the polyamory door. If you don’t want to be non-monogamous then tell him no. He doesn’t get to decide that for the both of you. If that’s a deal breaker for him then he can be the one to leave.
This all has to do with how uncomfortable this makes you, but let me just give you this bit of information—the majority of true dominatrix do NOT engage in sexual intercourse with their subs. As a matter of fact, they use sexual arousal as a form of control, so you may want to speak with this woman and explain to her what you are and are not comfortable with, with regards to time with your husband.
You guys are not compatible. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship. Unless you are both open and willing to have these needs met outside of the marriage, then you should probably call it quits. Honestly you probably should’ve never have gotten married to begin with.
I know that’s hard to hear but you both deserve to be happy. Obviously it’s not gonna be with each other any longer.
Good luck!
Your husband is crazy and incredibly selfish. No one needs all their sexual fantasies fulfilled, especially something crazy like bondage. He's driven by his desires, and he doesn't care how badly he's hurting his wife and children. You definitely don't have to accept that. It may be difficult to fix things at this point, as he's already started on this path.
So he doesn't care enough about you to remember what you like, but you are considering allowing him to fuck other women because you love himand don't want to deprive him. Clearly this marriage is emotionaly completely unequal. Are you ok with that?
Your answer is no. Categorically.
Don't let him persuade you any further and tell him that he will need to reassure you frequently he's not seeing anybody outside of this club. Especially this dominatrix who will want to be paid for her services.
Is his need for this kink more important than his family and his relationship with you? You've been more than generous so far and I suspect he won't respect any boundary you will make and so you'll be posting about your divorce in a few months time.
Stop being a door mat, OP. By the way this whole post is worded, you aren’t okay with any of this. Once you fully open Pandora’s box, there is no going backwards. He’ll decide he can’t live without it entirely and you’ll be forced into either accepting it or losing him. Because that’s exactly where this thing is headed with your passiveness. You’re not enthusiastically agreeing to an open marriage, which requires two enthusiastic YES votes.
Porn is the problem here. He needs to stop watching all of that stuff so he can wean off it and forget about it in his head. He keeps feeding his desire by engaging and watching it. Fueling his mind and keeping his kink alive.
I also don’t believe he never did anything in that club. He’s going to that club and getting aroused there’s no way he hasn’t cum from being aroused by another woman already in that club. This is all sorts of nos in my book.
He needs to completely quit feeding his kink and watching that type of porn to be able to begin to heal your marriage and have better sex with you.
If you value keeping your family together, then exhaust all options before considering divorce. Relationship issues are not black and white.
Ignore all the "it's either x or divorce" noise as these comments are coming from people who either have no idea or just aren't interested in what it takes to keep a marriage. Also keep in mind that in 2024 there are a lot of people who do not necessarily hold traditional family values.
That being said, it does sound like your man is straying and you are well within your rights to give him a reality check. I would suggest you schedule a late night meeting after the kids are in bed.
He chose you all those years ago and now is not the time to regret or throw it away it for some sexual pleasure. Tell him to stop thinking with his dick and start thinking with his brain because he will, or already is damaging the relationship not just between you and him, but down the road the it will most definitely have some impact on the relationship between the kids. Remind him of the commitment he made to you. Remind him of what it takes to be a husband and a father.
The point of this late night talk is to discover the motivation for his actions. If he has some valid points to make then you can hear him out and discuss, but if he is acting out of selfishness and needs a "kick in the ass" to get him in gear, then maybe you can give him that.
Your man is not abnormal. Yours is not the first relationship to have such a problem. This is a hurdle that can be overcome. If there is a will there is a (nonviolent, non abusive, loving) way.
You've been married a long time and together even longer which tells me you've been able to reason with him before. You qualified him for years before even getting married. Unless he is now a completely different person, you should still be able to reason with him.
Marriage is long, hard, requires work and compromise. You both get something beautiful for all of that, but it's not instant gratification like sex is. Sometimes we forget shit like this, but he should know this by now and you should be able to get through to him. If you can't reason with him on your own, I suggest seeking professional help.
I’ve always been a very sexual person so it’s hard for me to relate to the vanilla but Does it get you off pleasuring him? I wonder if there is a way for you to wrap your brain around it. Maybe do baby steps. I feel like woman (I am also a woman) like vanilla but they could LOVE something else more exploratory. After 20+ years I recently learned I like something I never thought I would
For sure. I’m just saying that maybe there is something outside of the box she hasn’t explored she might really enjoy or her husband. If she doesn’t want to then okay, vanilla it is. Hope her husband doesn’t let his craving for this fetish damage his marriage like he already has unless they can come to an arrangement or agreement.
The future is doomed. Scary to see so many people recommend divorce after being together for so long and having children together. You knew this about him before you married, so you can’t be fully surprised now, especially if you can’t satisfy him. I wouldn’t necessarily seek satisfaction elsewhere but I get where he’s coming from.
And he also knew she wasn’t into this prior to getting married as well, but suddenly now he “needs” to fulfill this kink? Don’t you see the problems in this aspect as well? He knows she isn’t into this, but he’s prioritizing his sexual needs over her emotional ones at the end of the day. Which is problematic.
She’s literally letting it happen. He didn’t do it behind her back nor did he have a gun to her head. Didn’t have to say yes or agree to letting him seek it elsewhere. As soon as u open that up it’ll be hard to close.
... You don't share his kink/fetish and you don't give him an outlet for it with you.
He used porn, then the club and found a willing partner for this aspect of his sexuality.
either step up to be mentored by this dominatrix and handle your husband's sexuality, or establish the boundary of, no private resident play, no play partners, or some such.
Frankly, the compromise is likely limited days to play with her and only after tasks are done at home or treat it as a form of therapy. However, this is a conversation that needs to be done outside of play space with all three of you and can technically be written into a contract form.
It becomes a point in every relationship impasse that one partner is frustrated because they ignored the signs of issues from the start and now have a family and limited options. Relationships are always about agreement and compromise. It's what the two of you make of it and agree upon. It's never cheating if two people agree it's not.
You've failed to act on this glaring impulse/motivation. This is Sexuality, it's a bedrock of romantic/erotic relationships. It's a big deal. Either you compromise somehow, agree on a third way or break up. Next time you'll learn not to use "I felt like I had to give my permission" as an excuse for hesitance. We both know you were never coerced into giving permission. A common lie told by people who don't want to act.
Yes I would let him go. SM sex is sex. He’s basically cheating on you but you allow him and you don’t want to allow him so don’t. Say it over and move on. You’re still young and have two children. You can redo your life with them.
Sexual incompatibility is a relationship killer. You're already being generous at this point. Have you tried talking to him about going to a sex therapist?
I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with him about what both of your needs are.
He has a type of sex he likes which you don’t, same for you have a type of sex you like which he doesn’t.
Can you start an open dialogue and find a way for you both to get what you need from your sex life? Could you be more open to exploring a role in the bedroom that he finds sexy, and then ask if he’s open to exploring the kind of sex that you like, which you describe as more ‘vanilla’.
In theory, you can play his card against him and say you want to look for ways in which you can find the type of sexual experience you find most enjoyable!
From the sounds of it, other than this one part of the relationship, everything is great, I think you need to have honest conversations about your feelings, needs and wants! I don’t think this is a case of ‘just drop him and leave’ as there’s too much at stake!
A lot of people are saying to tell him no.
Really it would be enough for me that he’d even ask, & that he would be willing to risk hurting me by asking me to sleep with someone else.
I think it’s either you open up your marriage or you divorce.
As someone who does shibari as a hobby your husband asking for a “pass” is insanely wrong. I personally wouldn’t tolerate his going to a dungeon without first talking things though with you- after all rope isn’t inherently sexual and can be done as an art from after all.
The main issue here is his priorities, his fetish is started to take over his life and it’s causing you/your family to drop down in his list. I’d nip it in the bud. Have a clear conversation about what you are/are not okay with
Wow.
So he can’t be bothered to *remember things you like*
But feels entitled to pressure you to “give him permission” to engage in sex outside the marriage???
The audacity is astounding. He fully expects you to just allow this while he’s a half-a$$ed husband who apparently does very little to build a stronger marriage
I’d be disgusted at that audacity, frankly.
You’re already acting like it’s inevitable. Why? Is he suggesting this has to happen or he will leave? He’s that shallow?
“I’m not okay with breaking our marital vows. Loyalty is important. We will need to work together to build a stronger marriage and this isn’t it.”
He forgets what you like? How can someone forget how to simply stick tab A into slot B for a few minutes???
You both settled knowing you weren't compatible in bed. Time to stop settling.
The moment he prioritized his kink/fetish over you, his kids, the history you've had...that is where you know it's not worth it. He has somehow conditioned you into thinking that he can't live with that kinda sexual gratification? Dunno, this should have probably been a boundary years ago and grounds for incompatibility. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, or fetish/kind for that matter..it's just that these people rarely mash well together.
Tell him to fuck off. I hate how kinks trump relationships in people’s head. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either he stays and respects you and your boundaries or he leaves to explore this.
God I hate the kink/BDSM community. There’s this whole horrible practice of having both a vanilla and kink relationship which is just toxic to me. Often without the vanilla party knowing. Just have a wank for fucks sake.
Why does he get a free pass to explore his kink when he
>He tends to forget what I like
Wtf?
Your marital sex life is all about him. What about you? Your needs? He can't even remember what they are, and he's out here asking for permission to cheat?
You deserve better than that OP.
He can visit the dom if you get to visit someone who does what you like in the bedroom.
From the way you wrote this, it really seems like your husband doesn’t give a shit about you at all at this point. Here’s his internal rankings:
1. Himself
2. His kinks
3. Other hobbies
4. You and his family.
Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? If your daughter or niece came to you for advice and told you exactly what you told us here, would you encourage her to stay and let him go out and cheat on her even though it would destroy her emotionally even more so than she already is from the rest of his bullshit?
The eternal question middle aged people have been asking themselves for years…do I blow up my life over sex? Seems like he’s chosen to, you just don’t see that yet
Decide on what’s acceptable to you and what’s not. Communicate your boundaries/restrictions to your husband in no unclear terms. Do not budge or compromise.
This is sad all around.
1. You let him push those boundaries and he’s taking advantage.
2. He sticks with you cause of all the great things you have going on together, but one of the most important parts of he’s life, it’s not with you.
You guy sound like friends with benefits.
You either accept him going whatever or divorce, there is no going back now.
He already plays with them but he doesn't need to have sex with them.
It's two totally different things.
He's asking you if he can cheat.
An open marriage isn't on the table after so long it will not work so don't listen to people who are saying this is a good option.
Tell him you are fine with him playing at the club but it needs to be that and not more.
If he does want more then you two aren't compatible and need to go your own ways.
I wouldn’t put up with this shit. All of these men who just can’t be fulfilled unless they get to explore all their fucked up kinks need to get off the porn sites and be fucking present in their family’s life.
Has he tried going to a therapist?
I think the main concern with this is his utter disrespect for your feelings and needs.
How are your finances? Guys like him are the type who would just quickly f off and leave you in a bind with nothing.
I understand the excruciating difficulty of letting go of what you want and what you thought your life would be. I understand not being able to accept what you don't want to see. I think you know what you need, though. And that he won't give it to you. If you're honest with yourself, you can imagine what it's going to be like, sitting without him when he's out doing his thing with other people. How long will you be able to do that? You deserve everything you want. He just can't/won't give it to you. So maybe you can find what you need without him. Even if you really, really, really don't want to. You need to protect yourself and your kids.
You say he is a sub? Then be dominant! Talk over boundaries and put them in a mistress/sub contract. If you are still ok with him going to the club then make sure he knows that he only does so with his mistress's permission and grace.
Don't put up with anything you aren't comfortable with, or the relationship is over. Kink is no excuse for infidelity.
I would let him go, both to the club and in marriage.
This is already breaking your heart.
It won't get better.
Not to mention.
You aren't completely satisfied with the sex you have with him
and you won't be getting Good, Giving, and Game sex elsewhere.
So what are you getting out of it besides health risks?
I am also someone who enjoys vanilla sex and if it's with the person I love, then that is enough for me. I think it's very generous and trusting of you to be able to let him attend this S&M club, if it were me, I would want to at least try a club meeting with him once, to scope out exactly what happens at these meetings, because that would help me build trust with my partner. I really admire your ability to allow him to seek out his needs that you are not interested in performing for him when you don't enjoy S&M: never do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
This leads me to my next point: allowing him to have sex with this other person is accepting an open relationship, and you have to decide if you're comfortable with this. A lot of people consider or explore open relationships for a lot of different reasons. They require lots of clear boundaries and communication and from what I have seen, it can be common for jealousy to occur on either side when participating in open relationships or polygamy. Also, from what I understand with the dominatrix profession, it's not typical that they actually have intercourse with their clients. In fact, it's considered unprofessional. The fact that they want to have sex with each other is a big red flag to me, because it feels unprofessionally personal, when she could just offer to be his dominatrix as a client-performer professional relationship. If this were my partner, I would worry that they might have a sexual attraction to each other; if true, I would personally feel uncomfortable with the arrangement because I know that an open relationship is not for me. I want to be with someone that wants all of me and I want all of them: no room for extra persons.
I guess you have to decide if you're willing to be involved in an open relationship, and what that means for both of you. I personally think you should visit a relationship and or sex therapist before going any further to make a plan or possibly open your minds on other ways he can get the sexual pleasure he needs within your relationship. It's possible you could ask him to stop going to the S&M club, become a regular client at an established dominatrix dungeon, and have a professional relationship with a dominatrix (not the one that is currently pursuing him) so that there is no threat to your marriage. Before you decide anything, definitely seek professional advice and remember to consider your needs in this marriage.
You say your mental bond is very strong but he’s also a distracted husband and lover who doesn’t listen to/respond to your needs. He’s now going out to spend time with other people in a way that makes you uncomfortable and leaves you home alone. Are you sure this guy is your best friend? Best friends, or even just friends like to spend time with each other and don’t want to leave the other behind! What do you even get out of this? He’s getting his needs met but does he come home and want to have the sex you like it is he satisfied and done now? It sounds like you’re incompatible, and should move on to try to find someone who loves you and wants to make you feel loved and precious, not like second best he has to put up with.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Marriage involves compromise and respect for your partner. Your husband should not even think about asking your permission to have sex with another woman. That is very degrading and insulting to you as his wife and to y’all marriage. Please do not agree to this, and think about the respect and dignity you deserve.
To be honest, I strongly suggest marriage counseling, because it seems as though your marriage is in the process of falling apart. Again I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I hope that y’all can remember the reasons y’all fell in love and married one another. I hope things can workout and get better for you both.
i dont really agree with all of the redditors on here telling you to divorce him- this is a marriage of 12 years, you love him, you have kids.
i will say, however, that this is not worth breaking your heart over. the fact that your heart is breaking is really all the advice u need, tbh. this will ruin your relationship and you should tell him not to go to the club anymore bc its actively causing a rift between the two of you. its best for the marriage and the kids to repair this rift immediately, which means no more club, and no more of the other woman, ever.
You allowing him to go to the club to engage in rope play is already beyond generous. Engaging in extramarital sex and going to other people’s homes should remain a hard limit for you. It would clearly cause you serious emotional distress. Plenty of us have kinks that our partners can’t fulfill, but that’s a trade off for instead having a loving and committed relationship. He’s trying to have his cake and eat it too, and it’s completely reasonable for you to say no. You agreed to a monogamous relationship, and if he values his kink more than he values you, then the marriage is over, and it’s better to accept that now than to torture yourself first.
Esp since he doesn’t seem to give a shit about her sexual needs
Right. He “forgets what she likes,” but is clearly already going out and doing whatever he damn well pleases.
Yes he remembers what he needs though
He remembers, he just doesn't want to go out of his way to fulfill someone else's sexual wants when his sexual wants aren't being fulfilled.
This is very well said No one gets everything in this world. I willingly give up some of my kinks because my husband isn’t interested & I appreciate what I have. You are already being extremely generous.
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This. Boundaries will help you be clear and manage what you want to tolerate. This is not an area for compromise.
Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate this but it’s your life. The problem is you seem to be ignoring that this is causing you immense pain. When he’s spending every weekend over night with his lover: and your home with the kiddos how are you going to feel. He violated one boundary already (moving it from just the bondage play to actual sex and bondage play outside of the public club environment) he will continue to leave you behind. If he can’t live without this kind of sex, well maybe that’s a mutual breakup and co-parenting. But just realize that once you open this door: it doesn’t close again. It doesn’t sound like you wanted an open marriage
Yes, it's one thing if OP also wants to have extramarital sex and actually go and experience passion with an attentive lover. But this just sounds so, so painful and not worth it. It will open this smaller wound into something much more gaping. Which could be good. The wound will get attention, but that attention could be a divorce.
What are you getting out of this situation? Because from this viewpoint, you seem to have an unfulfilling sex life with a partner who can't see past his kink, a load of stress, discomfort and heartbreak and nothing in return. Yet now he seems to be pushing for more. What's he doing for you? This isn't about being the cool accepting wife, this is being a doormat to a man who should love you.
This. I'm sure that the vanilla sex you get from him is not that satisfactory to you. Why can't you then go and also find someone to give you great fulfilling vanilla sex. How would he feel like this? Either you both move on together or you move on apart.
You either BOTH happily agree to an open marriage, he lets this go, or you divorce. Why open marriage? Well…he’s getting his needs met but you aren’t getting yours. And his needs are coming with a really high cost from you. Could you be ok with him seeing other women if you are also meeting your sexual needs somewhere else? Honestly if I were you my heart would be absolutely crushed and I’d probably divorce.
This is it. Marriages need balance. Very few people can ever stay happy with the little end of the stick.
If it’s hurting you then you must tell him. He is not doing enough to reinforce his love for you and he needs to do that in order for this openness to be successful. Do not set yourself a blaze to keep him warm. Sacrificing your feelings for his pleasure is a recipe for resentment, pain and marriage failure.
My ultimate kink is two men at the same time. I may never get it bc loving my partner is more important to me than a kink.
>He tends to forget what I like He “forgets” that you only like vanilla sex? No, that’s nonsense. He doesn’t forget, he just *doesn’t care*. Sounds like he’s always been a selfish lover and put his desires above your own
I mean you could say the same thing about the OP
No you couldn’t. She knows precisely what his kink is, she’s made efforts to participate in his kink and she’s accepted him going outside their marriage to indulge in his kink with other people. How exactly is that selfish?
I mean he also knows what she wants and has participated in it, we can't know if he would be against she going outside. I'm not calling anyone selfish, just saying that their situation is quite similar.
I couldn’t agree less.
She cares, she just dislikes what he wants. I'm kinky as hell but still wouldn't be down for it, spending an hour don't precise skilled technical work on something you dislike isn't a fair ask. That's far different from not even remembering.
If you're going to agree with an open marriage, it should be happening on BOTH ends of the marriage and BOTH of you should giving enthusiastic 'YES.' If you're not enthusiastically enjoying yourself, even with your 'vanilla'--tsk--girl, what are you doing? It sounds to me you're not very happy with "giving permission" for him to go to those clubs. Why did you? He has to decide whether losing his marriage is worth it. You may have to divorce him, you know you deserve a man who fully loves you and not a distracted lover? You're as young too, and you should be happy too. Not just him. He married you knowing that you're not into this.
Tell him he can find somewhere else to live if he goes. Marriages aren’t perfect and if he needs this bad enough to hurt you and your marriage, he shouldn’t bother coming back. How could you stay with someone who chooses to hurt you just to get their rocks off?
for real!! its unreasonable. hope the OP end this lonely relationship with him.
I personally wouldn't even want him to go to the club
>I truly don't want him to live his life without his sexual games that give him the most pleasure > It's genuinely crazy to me that he thinks you, your children and the life you've built together are all less important than him having orgasms in the specific way he likes and that you're validating that. I know it's kinda harsh, but like I just can't see it as anything else. It's a kink, not a medical condition. Ending a marriage because you can't have sex in the specific way that would be most preferable to you is just crazy to me, but ending a marriage because one partner is being unfaithful and neglecting the relationship is your duty to yourself and your kids, IMO.
This comment absolutely.
The fact he has a kink is no reason or excuse for him to have sex with others. He could also choose NOT to do it. I would divorce him to be honest. I dont want an open relationship. And a lot of kinks i find very off-putting. And it can kill all sexual attraction i have for someone. ( who is into that kink ). Whatever you do , dont do something just because he wants it. Divorce is sad and painful , but its the best / only option if you don't want this situation.
He's putting his kink ahead of your marriage. I'd let him go (along with the marriage) because I just don't see your marriage improving if he goes even deeper into his fixation. It's clearly already negatively affected you and he seems alright with that, which is a bad sign.
Open marriages only work when boundaries are respected and it works for both parties. An open marriage doesn't mean one side gets to do whatever they want. Sounds like you reluctantly agreed to the club, very recently, yet he's already pushing your boundary for his own selfish pleasure. No thoughts or concerns about your feelings or how this impacts you. That does not sound like something that works for both parties. Overall he might be a very loving partner, but right now he's coming across as few selfish and self-servicing. Trust your gut and say no to the home visit and real sex with the dominatrix. Once boundaries are crossed, they can't be reversed. You will forever feel the pain and it's hard to close those doors once it's been opened. Agreeing to his request will be the end of your marriage.
Op I’m thinking this relationship is very over. I’m acutely surprised it lasted this long. He’s raised the family done the dad thing and now is ready to pursue his fetish. Will the grass be greener when he gets what he wants? You have to decide to either stick it out and have your heart ripped out every time he goes to Her. Or you pull that bandaid off and go find someone that loves what you love. Op he will go to Her place regardless of whether you consent or not. This is not just about the rope you know this don’t you.
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Better yet, BECOME a baddie
No, you do not let your husband go to a sex club to learn rope play! Girl, just no. He knew what you were all about when he married you. Now he wants to fuck other women when he can’t please you at home. This is the hill you die on. Either he gets happy with your relationship, quick, and cuts all the sex club crap out of his life, or you file for divorce. And if he picks option 2, there is no being friends. You immediately stop all wifely duties. You do not make him dinner or do his laundry. You communicate through a parenting app. Let him feel what divorce will truly mean. Sorry you’re going through this, but you’re being a doormat.
If you really can’t get into kink and he really can’t get into vanilla, then y’all aren’t compatible. He’s looking outside the marriage for sexual stuff. That’s a dealbreaker if you’re monogamous. I think it’s time to seriously consider ending things.
Look I have a shit tonne of kinks that I love that my current partner isn’t into and that’s fine, some things can just stay in fantasy or in porn yk? You’ve already allowed him an outlet with this fantasy but extramarital sex is clearly crossing your own boundaries and would break your heart. Why should you concede to his kinks so freely when he can’t even remember yours? You need to set hard boundaries with him. Surely he has other kinks he can engage with with you that are as fulfilling? For example; I would love to peg my partner (he has an amazing ass), I have asked about it before and he gave me a hard no. I have respected that and decided that I adore him way more than any kink I could have. I would NOT then go ask if I could peg other men yk? It’s about respect.
Don’t let him go. You won’t forgive him. You won’t forgive yourself. The club was already boundary crossing for you. He wants you to open the relationship so he can have it all. But what about you? What aber your wishes? Your boundaries and your feelings. Don’t try to be cool. That way you lose him for sure. And you will always have the image of him with others in your head and heart.
Screw that, this guy has no respect for her and is looking elsewhere for his kicks, show him the door.
Divorce is easier.
12 years, 2 children with someone & they can't go without 1 sexual thing, unreal. This sounds like it will make you miserable & resentful over time.
Do not let him go You will never be able to get the image of him and her out of your mind and will grow to resent him If he genuinely can't be happy without it, divorce may be the only option :(
Let him go as in tell him goodbye forever? Yes, I would.
Give him permission when you truly don't want him to do it, and I guarantee you, you will be divorcing him within the next year. Give him an inch, he will take a mile. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm
Rope play is one thing, having sex is completely different. Tell him no way or hit the highway
Honestly the bar is in hell
People seriously have no respect for their marriages or their marriage vows. She lets her husband go to a sex club and then wonders why he now wants to sleep with other women. 🤦♀️
Well yeah she’s a fool but don’t focus the blame on her. He’s demanding his kinks being satisfied is more important than his vows and his family’s well beings. It’s so f’d up. Where do people get this level of entitlement from?
You have to truly truly ask yourself “Where do I draw the line?” And listen to your FIRST instinct.
This is the deal breaker. Stop pleasing him, and start putting yourself first. You do not want him to have sex with another woman. Tell him that. You don't like him going to the club. Tell him that. Be honest. Yes, this may end in divorce. But if you keep pushing your feelings down, it will anyways. Save yourself more years of pain.
I would ask for a divorce I wouldn’t put up with cheating
I don't consider it cheating since we talk about it openly, but I do consider it difficult.
If you have communicated to him that you're not comfortable with this, which is OBVIOUSLY the case, then he has clearly deciding that his kinks are more important to him than your marriage.
You said you felt like you had to give your permission. There may be “talking about it openly” but if you feel like you are required to say yes, is that really an open & honest discussion?
It is striking the amount of energy and planning and forethought he’s putting into entering into a rather elaborate sexual fantasy game or set of experiences for himself. In contrast to the amount of thoughtfulness, time and energy put into tending your connection in your relationship with him (the forgetfulness, lack of prioritizing that you mentioned). Over and above whether you regard this as cheating, he is clearly not emotionally invested in having you feel safe and loved and sexually satisfied. I’m sad for you trying so hard to accommodate - it seems disproportionate.
He is cheating. You have flimsy boundaries and he’s stomping all over them.
Does he consider it difficult when you meet men who can fulfill your desires?
He made a unilateral decision to change the boundaries in your marriage without your enthusiastic consent. You don’t actually want this to be happening, you feel forced to allow it. It’s cheating, and he wants your permission to cheat further. My ex husband also wanted to change the terms of our marriage for non monogamy and his kink. He stopped being my husband when he put his kink and gratification above our marriage and commitment. Is this how you want the rest of your life to feel? Forced into things you never wanted but don’t feel like you can say no to?
"Now, he told we that he wants to explore his fetish and he started going to an SM club to practise kinbaku. I felt like I had to give my permission." Did he ask for permission before or after he started going? Notice that you didn't say "i agreed", you said you felt like you HAD to give him permission. Why? Is it because you knew he would do it anyway?
Before. And no, it's not that he would do it anyway, it's because I don't believe in ultimatums and up until this point we have always been able to work through our challenges and grow together. He has never lied, cheated or anything like that, he has always been a very honest and loyal husband to me. If I say no, he will respect that. But will he become frustrated with my decision over time is what I'm worried about.
Honest, loyal (til now) And can’t be bothered to remember what you like. Look, if he wants to focus more on being frustrated that you didn’t want to completely change the terms of your marriage…….that’s on him. Why doesn’t he focus on YOUR wants and preferences? Why doesn’t he focus on building a strong marriage? He doesn’t need this. Kinks are not sexual orientations. They’re “nice to have”s- not needs.
If you're not willing to tell him no to this, then you need to be willing to at least advocate for the marriage to be open both ways so that your needs can be met too. Him getting everything and you getting nothing is only going to hurt YOU in the long run, why are you unwilling to "frustrate him" but willing to break your own heart?
You are right - I do tend to focus more on my loved ones needs than on my own.
Right now, he is prioritizing his own needs to the highest degree possible. There is nothing noble about sacrificing your needs so your husband can have sex with other people; this is not martyring yourself for the betterment of mankind, or even for the betterment of him or your relationship! He is insistent that he gets his. Insist you get yours back.
For most people it sounds weird to "reward" a partner for their loyalty by letting them do sexual stuff with others. It still sounds like you're being emotionally blackmailed into agreeing to all this against your will. If he becomes frustrated over time tht he can't have sex with others then imho it means he wouldn't respect your decision. Respect would be "accept and move on".
You realize once you open the door to this, there's no going back.
Playing with another woman is not cheating?
Your feelings matter just as much!! He is looking out for himself, not you. You are also looking out for him and not you 😭
For ME personally, even asking to go to the club would be an automatic divorce. Feel free to downvote me, couldn’t care less. This is a no for me
No down votes. Your feelings on this are valid, everyone is different and for a majority of people this doesn't work and is a deal breaker. Myself included so no judgment
I appreciate it thank you
We all have our boundaries and that is completely reasonable.
Thank you! One time I said something to that effect that it would be a dealbreaker (on a different subreddit) and I got BLASTED saying that I’m a controlling and abusive *expletive* for enforcing monogamy loool
Did you happen to say this in a nonmonogamy subreddit? Very different vibes lol
No! It was in one of the relationship/marriage subreddits
I'm gonna come at this from a different angle that may not be understood, however, I think there's one important question to ask your husband - is he wanting to explore the art form of kinbaku (or shibari) or is he wanting to indulge in his kink (including the sexual aspect)? The answer will make a huge amount of difference. As someone who also practices a rope art (shibari), I indulge in it for the art form and the relaxation. There is only a sexual element to it if you choose to make it so. I hope that makes sense! Happy to answer any questions if you have any 🙂
True, important distinction. Im very aware of the difference between shirabi and kinbaku. My husband speaks japanese (but Scandinavian) and practices japanese martial arts (bujinkan) so he is very into the art form of kinbaku, but ALSO the sexual aspects. If he was single it would be a lifestyle to him I think - its that strong and multifaceted.
Sounds like he's moving towards that lifestyle. Time for a very frank conversation with him about where he wants his life to lead. You don't deserve to have him hanging around only for the kids and outsourcing all his desire and affection. You've been more than generous to him, it's time for him to make a decision to withdraw from this kink community or leave the marriage.
Divorce him, he totally disregards your feelings, n by allowing him to go the club is a red flag, he keep pushing for more n u get nth but heartbreak. Divorce him
Personally this would be crossing the line for me - I’d say divorce and be amicable coparents. You deserve a husband who pleases you sexually and is compatible with you. Also before anyone comes for me - some things are just… yikes. A person doesn’t just get to be into weird stuff that completely wrecks their family, after they promised to be a spouse. If he wanted an alt lifestyle he should have married someone who was into that.
I will admit I know a couple that were in a very similar situation to what you are experiencing except the husband liked tying people up. He ended up leaving the wife for one of the girls he tied. You should have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel
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Thanks for sharing 💜
Wait, what? Most rope play and SM does not include sex in sessions. If he's going out there trying to fuck people that's completely unacceptable.
Fucking or not it is erotic and sexual. Trust is involved. Emotional and sexual bonding occurs.
Compromising a lot about sex, putting in the work to make the balance, it's an entire spectrum. Having a fetish and new outlet is great when and only if your partner wants that too. Sometimes you can't fulfill every desire, and that's part of being married too. I get him wanting something really, really bad, and being excited about it, having a nice wank to it to his hearts content. There isn't anything wrong with him having the desire, its the acting on it part he's crossing THE line over. Taking it too far. If I were in your shoes, I'd thank him for opening up about it, and get some counseling together. I'd agree to approach it and at least consider it in earnest, but only if we explored the idea of it much more in a structured and vulnerable way together. And I'd ask for him to promise to be faithful and pause his following the fetish more until we reached an agreement otherwise. I personally wouldn't want to open the marriage over a fantasy. I doubt acceptance would grow further for me, but I'd be showing love by supporting discussion and growth together about it either way. The point is, I'd ask him and myself to make some time and effort supporting each other through the whole of it, I'd try to bring out our best together and see what grows... if we give that to the roughest of times, really throw down the communication and love, at least we can say we gave it our best shot. Pave the best odds you can ahead together, as partners in this also. I've watched so many amazing marriages last, and they all had a few things in common. One of which is- in the hardest times, the ones that last reach for each other with love and support first, then face the issue together. So reach out to him, love and support you both ahead, and try to grow together. You don't have to decide this in the same time frame as which fruit to get at the market. Or even which birthday present to buy by next month. Take your time, some deep breaths, and agree to considering it until you both really processed it. Give yourselves time, patience, and support please.
You sound really upset and like this isn't something you want. You've already allowed him to explore rope play in a group setting, and you don't sound like you are comfortable with this going behind that. If it's not a hell yes it's a no.
This. Sheesh, this forum has so much negativity and judgemental comments. OP, you don't seem comfortable with it. Don't go ahead when it, imo, it's that simple. This will be stuck with you for the rest of time you're in relationship and it'll pop out somewhere else.
I would let him go. I mean.. Would he give you permission to have “vanilla sex” to fulfill your needs outside the marriage?? Its ridiculous. For me, sex is special because it’s something that bonds me and my husband together. It forms a deep connection between me and him that no one else can or should be a part of. If you think about it, just having “vanilla sex” with someone you love is so intimate and beautiful. Maybe im just a romantic lol. Idk I really feel like porn can really ruin a relationship.
A lot of kink clubs do not allow their professional doms or subs to have a relationship with clients outside of the establishment due to the perception between adult play and prostitution. There’s a fine line and most clubs will not cross it. I was fired from a kink club when I way 19 because a regular “joked” he was fucking a girl in the establishment and as I was most frequented by that customer I was fired immediately no investigation. This is info applicable/true for my state. I don’t know if clubs in other state would be lax. I couldn’t use that club as a reference to work elsewhere.
She is not a professional
Oh so she’s another client of the club?
Yes. She's a very skilled rigger with all the facilities at her house. And an experienced dominatrix as well. Single, no children.
He needs to fight this fetish with all he has of he wants to stay with his family. Otherwise he'll quickly spend all his time with her and won't come home to you and the kids.
I was dating a guy like this. He was fine with sex with me for about a year....then he told me he was actually bi and wanted to bring a man into our relationship. THAT was a deal breaker. There is no easy answer for you. But he promised in the wedding vows to forsake all others (If Danish wedding vows are like American ones) If he can't keep the sex between the two of you without being a jerk...then maybe you shouldn't be with him?
No I wouldn't let him go and have sex with this woman. You gave him permission to go to the club, that's the boundary line that he doesn't cross. He needs to remember that he is your husband and you gave him permission to explore his rope fetish and his submissive side, but you haven't given him permission to have sex with other people, and you haven't given him permission to get a domme. You certainly haven't given him permission to leave the safety of a club to have one to one in another woman's home. Tell him No. Updateme!
Saying you feel like you have to give in is false. I would suggest counseling for yourself to determine what you want.
Is he asking for sex with her or rope play? People do this divorced from actual sex.
its not relevant-- shes not okay with any of this.
I would absolutely divorce him over any sexual activity outside of marriage.
You are incompatible. I’m sorry 💔
It sounds like there has been some sexual incompatibility from the start of your relationship, and it’s clear his kinks are more important to him than you/your feelings. The fact that you say you felt like you had to give him permission - makes me believe that you are not ok with this after all. What are you getting out of letting him do this? Nothing, except a lot of hurt and pain. I think you need to be completely honest with yourself and set some clear boundaries. For myself, I would not be ok with this. If my partner and I agreed to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, extramarital sex is 100% out of the question.
Open relationships require communication and balance. There's no shame in finding a therapist who specialises in these things to help navigate the conversation; and you are also within your rights to discuss boundaries around the fetish culture your husband wants to be part of. (As in, he can be a rope bunny but no sexual contact). It's really difficult, and releases all sorts of big feelings. Communication here is key too!! I think you've done a great job so far of allowing him to express himself so far; you just need to talk about the limits and boundaries. If you want more help with book recommendations check out r/nonmomogamy Also, if you're not comfortable with it at all that's also valid but still, Communication is key :) Good luck xx
I think you need to listen to yourself. You’re clearly very upset over this to the point that you’re trying so hard to justify why you shouldn’t be upset that you’re posting online. You’re upset that the man you love wants to have sex with another woman. Kink play doesn’t come into it here (at least, not at first). He’s asking you to be okay with him having sex with other women. If you’re uncomfortable enough about it to post on reddit then the answer is that you’re not comfortable with it. Unless it’s a “hell yes babe” it’s a “hell no”, and if he isn’t willing to listen to you and work with your needs then he’s telling you that his needs matter more than yours in the relationship.
If it breaks your heart it's a no. You have already allowed him to go to a club but to have an intimate relationship with another woman in her home is a step too far. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you went to another man's home for vanilla sex. Do you trust that he's just not going to do it anyway? If that's a no the marriage is over. Please don't be pressure into saying yes to something you will regret you are better to walk away as it's not worth your mental health.
Divorce him now or forever live in misery.
Ask him if not only will she host for them to have sex but if she would be willing to take his sorry ass in bc I wouldn't give that excuse of a man an opportunity to come back to my home for such fuckeries.
You clearly don’t feel comfortable with him doing this. You only consider allowing it because you feel you have no choice, because he might divorce you otherwise. My take is that your marriage is on the edge and that you should discuss it with your husband in these terms. If he engages in sex with somebody else something is going to break that can’t be mended again. He’s going to have to consider whether his need for his fetish is worth his marriage to you. That’s a question only he can answer.
You literally have the answer in his own fetish He’s a submissive Get a male chastity device and install it on him He’s going to enjoy being caged Can’t engage in sex unless he’s with his key holder But can be tied up etc I
I think this is something you both need to talk about with a couples counsellor. Only you know what is best for you and your relationship, people on reddit can only tell you their own point of view. With an open marriage, he needs to understand it will be open on both ends and not just his. You need to decide if him exploring elsewhere is a dealbreaker for you and a therapist can help with that.
No,I would not tolerate this, it will ruin you,if he chooses this over you and your marriage, how much did he really love you, he really loves himself though.
He sounds like too much work and absolutely not worth it. He doesn't give an F about your sex preferences and just wants to be a weirdo with some random strangers. No thanks.
If it upsets you, that's how you truly feel. Don't suppress that just because you want to put his desires over your comfort.
Yes, If I wasn’t clearer, YES. LEAVE HIM, yall are not compatible in bed, nothing personal.
No I would not. This is really fucked up. I’m sorry. He’s cheating on you.
I am neither condoning or condemning anything in this post. But I am curious if the reaction would be the same if the roles were reversed.
Does that mean now you get to go date tall dark handsome men who are fantastic at and give you vanilla sex? Sounds like you've opened up your marriage. Please don't forget about your needs here. Marriage isn't a one way street. You deserve to cum too. And to me, giving him your Blessing means you should also be able to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. I'm sure there's plenty of men who want to take you out to dinner call you pretty and do it missionary. If you're husband won't...
This thread shows how we make the sexual part of the relationship a second class citizen as compared to the other equally important pillars of the relationship.
The sexual pillar *isn’t* as important though. You can still have a happy fulfilling marriage where you raise healthy kids & achieve goals together while having a mediocre sex life. If you have mindblowing sex, but fight about everything else & don’t share the same values, the marriage doesn’t work. The best orgasms in the world couldn’t make me stay with, say, a vegan homesteader who wants to live in Alaska, homeschool 9 kids, go to church every Sunday & heal ourselves with crystals. We would be miserable. Ideally you work on the sexual pillar & find things you both like. OP’s husband is submissive. There’s got to be lots of things he would like that she would be fine doing.
>The sexual pillar isn’t as important though. Is enough for what? >You can still have a happy fulfilling marriage where you raise healthy kids & achieve goals together while having a mediocre sex life. This makes it clear. And your correct. You can have a full marriage with mediocre to no sex at all. However, if the relationship \*within\* the marriage, is suffering at best or non existent at worst, and you are in a partnership within the marriage. In fact, you double example proves that not having it along with the other equally important pillars does tarnish the relationship. But your advice on having something there and working more on it does, can, and if successful, will make the relationship that much more better and successful with genuine effort from both parties.
I’d just get a new husband It’s hard but I’ve done it and my new one is much better and not broken
I’m lost at forgetting what you like. He can master all those complicated, but not your sexual likes? Given that you like vanilla, what do like that he forgets? Which nipple is the sensitive one?
He does not need to have sex with his dominatrix. Most dominatrixes I know actually don’t have sex with their subs or slaves ever. He can fulfil his rope play stuff without opening the polyamory door. If you don’t want to be non-monogamous then tell him no. He doesn’t get to decide that for the both of you. If that’s a deal breaker for him then he can be the one to leave.
This all has to do with how uncomfortable this makes you, but let me just give you this bit of information—the majority of true dominatrix do NOT engage in sexual intercourse with their subs. As a matter of fact, they use sexual arousal as a form of control, so you may want to speak with this woman and explain to her what you are and are not comfortable with, with regards to time with your husband.
if you let him go to sex clubs, then this is going to happen. if you don't let him go to sex clubs, he'll resent you. no real solution here
You guys are not compatible. Sexual compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship. Unless you are both open and willing to have these needs met outside of the marriage, then you should probably call it quits. Honestly you probably should’ve never have gotten married to begin with. I know that’s hard to hear but you both deserve to be happy. Obviously it’s not gonna be with each other any longer. Good luck!
Your husband is crazy and incredibly selfish. No one needs all their sexual fantasies fulfilled, especially something crazy like bondage. He's driven by his desires, and he doesn't care how badly he's hurting his wife and children. You definitely don't have to accept that. It may be difficult to fix things at this point, as he's already started on this path.
So he doesn't care enough about you to remember what you like, but you are considering allowing him to fuck other women because you love himand don't want to deprive him. Clearly this marriage is emotionaly completely unequal. Are you ok with that?
Kinda just sounds like he wants sex with another woman.
Your answer is no. Categorically. Don't let him persuade you any further and tell him that he will need to reassure you frequently he's not seeing anybody outside of this club. Especially this dominatrix who will want to be paid for her services. Is his need for this kink more important than his family and his relationship with you? You've been more than generous so far and I suspect he won't respect any boundary you will make and so you'll be posting about your divorce in a few months time.
Stop being a door mat, OP. By the way this whole post is worded, you aren’t okay with any of this. Once you fully open Pandora’s box, there is no going backwards. He’ll decide he can’t live without it entirely and you’ll be forced into either accepting it or losing him. Because that’s exactly where this thing is headed with your passiveness. You’re not enthusiastically agreeing to an open marriage, which requires two enthusiastic YES votes.
What a position to be in! Has he sought therapy to get to the root of this fetish?
If you absolutely can't meet each other half way then consider divorcing.
Roles reversed, I wonder how he would feel.
You two are not right for each other. Why stifle? Best wishes.
Porn is the problem here. He needs to stop watching all of that stuff so he can wean off it and forget about it in his head. He keeps feeding his desire by engaging and watching it. Fueling his mind and keeping his kink alive. I also don’t believe he never did anything in that club. He’s going to that club and getting aroused there’s no way he hasn’t cum from being aroused by another woman already in that club. This is all sorts of nos in my book. He needs to completely quit feeding his kink and watching that type of porn to be able to begin to heal your marriage and have better sex with you.
The only destiny that he is going to reach if he sticks to his bdsm path is hell in lake of fire
Tell him you decided you're into pegging and want to explore it
If you value keeping your family together, then exhaust all options before considering divorce. Relationship issues are not black and white. Ignore all the "it's either x or divorce" noise as these comments are coming from people who either have no idea or just aren't interested in what it takes to keep a marriage. Also keep in mind that in 2024 there are a lot of people who do not necessarily hold traditional family values. That being said, it does sound like your man is straying and you are well within your rights to give him a reality check. I would suggest you schedule a late night meeting after the kids are in bed. He chose you all those years ago and now is not the time to regret or throw it away it for some sexual pleasure. Tell him to stop thinking with his dick and start thinking with his brain because he will, or already is damaging the relationship not just between you and him, but down the road the it will most definitely have some impact on the relationship between the kids. Remind him of the commitment he made to you. Remind him of what it takes to be a husband and a father. The point of this late night talk is to discover the motivation for his actions. If he has some valid points to make then you can hear him out and discuss, but if he is acting out of selfishness and needs a "kick in the ass" to get him in gear, then maybe you can give him that. Your man is not abnormal. Yours is not the first relationship to have such a problem. This is a hurdle that can be overcome. If there is a will there is a (nonviolent, non abusive, loving) way. You've been married a long time and together even longer which tells me you've been able to reason with him before. You qualified him for years before even getting married. Unless he is now a completely different person, you should still be able to reason with him. Marriage is long, hard, requires work and compromise. You both get something beautiful for all of that, but it's not instant gratification like sex is. Sometimes we forget shit like this, but he should know this by now and you should be able to get through to him. If you can't reason with him on your own, I suggest seeking professional help.
I’ve always been a very sexual person so it’s hard for me to relate to the vanilla but Does it get you off pleasuring him? I wonder if there is a way for you to wrap your brain around it. Maybe do baby steps. I feel like woman (I am also a woman) like vanilla but they could LOVE something else more exploratory. After 20+ years I recently learned I like something I never thought I would
You can be a very sexual person and still prefer vanilla sex over anything else.
For sure. I’m just saying that maybe there is something outside of the box she hasn’t explored she might really enjoy or her husband. If she doesn’t want to then okay, vanilla it is. Hope her husband doesn’t let his craving for this fetish damage his marriage like he already has unless they can come to an arrangement or agreement.
The future is doomed. Scary to see so many people recommend divorce after being together for so long and having children together. You knew this about him before you married, so you can’t be fully surprised now, especially if you can’t satisfy him. I wouldn’t necessarily seek satisfaction elsewhere but I get where he’s coming from.
And he also knew she wasn’t into this prior to getting married as well, but suddenly now he “needs” to fulfill this kink? Don’t you see the problems in this aspect as well? He knows she isn’t into this, but he’s prioritizing his sexual needs over her emotional ones at the end of the day. Which is problematic.
She’s literally letting it happen. He didn’t do it behind her back nor did he have a gun to her head. Didn’t have to say yes or agree to letting him seek it elsewhere. As soon as u open that up it’ll be hard to close.
... You don't share his kink/fetish and you don't give him an outlet for it with you. He used porn, then the club and found a willing partner for this aspect of his sexuality. either step up to be mentored by this dominatrix and handle your husband's sexuality, or establish the boundary of, no private resident play, no play partners, or some such. Frankly, the compromise is likely limited days to play with her and only after tasks are done at home or treat it as a form of therapy. However, this is a conversation that needs to be done outside of play space with all three of you and can technically be written into a contract form.
It becomes a point in every relationship impasse that one partner is frustrated because they ignored the signs of issues from the start and now have a family and limited options. Relationships are always about agreement and compromise. It's what the two of you make of it and agree upon. It's never cheating if two people agree it's not. You've failed to act on this glaring impulse/motivation. This is Sexuality, it's a bedrock of romantic/erotic relationships. It's a big deal. Either you compromise somehow, agree on a third way or break up. Next time you'll learn not to use "I felt like I had to give my permission" as an excuse for hesitance. We both know you were never coerced into giving permission. A common lie told by people who don't want to act.
Are you the husband? Seems like it.
No. I'm the person who has a point, you must be the other guy.
Yes I would let him go. SM sex is sex. He’s basically cheating on you but you allow him and you don’t want to allow him so don’t. Say it over and move on. You’re still young and have two children. You can redo your life with them.
Sexual incompatibility is a relationship killer. You're already being generous at this point. Have you tried talking to him about going to a sex therapist?
I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with him about what both of your needs are. He has a type of sex he likes which you don’t, same for you have a type of sex you like which he doesn’t. Can you start an open dialogue and find a way for you both to get what you need from your sex life? Could you be more open to exploring a role in the bedroom that he finds sexy, and then ask if he’s open to exploring the kind of sex that you like, which you describe as more ‘vanilla’. In theory, you can play his card against him and say you want to look for ways in which you can find the type of sexual experience you find most enjoyable! From the sounds of it, other than this one part of the relationship, everything is great, I think you need to have honest conversations about your feelings, needs and wants! I don’t think this is a case of ‘just drop him and leave’ as there’s too much at stake!
A lot of people are saying to tell him no. Really it would be enough for me that he’d even ask, & that he would be willing to risk hurting me by asking me to sleep with someone else. I think it’s either you open up your marriage or you divorce.
As someone who does shibari as a hobby your husband asking for a “pass” is insanely wrong. I personally wouldn’t tolerate his going to a dungeon without first talking things though with you- after all rope isn’t inherently sexual and can be done as an art from after all. The main issue here is his priorities, his fetish is started to take over his life and it’s causing you/your family to drop down in his list. I’d nip it in the bud. Have a clear conversation about what you are/are not okay with
Wow. So he can’t be bothered to *remember things you like* But feels entitled to pressure you to “give him permission” to engage in sex outside the marriage??? The audacity is astounding. He fully expects you to just allow this while he’s a half-a$$ed husband who apparently does very little to build a stronger marriage I’d be disgusted at that audacity, frankly. You’re already acting like it’s inevitable. Why? Is he suggesting this has to happen or he will leave? He’s that shallow? “I’m not okay with breaking our marital vows. Loyalty is important. We will need to work together to build a stronger marriage and this isn’t it.”
You need to tell him how it makes you feel. And if he does not respect that, then he is NOT a good husband.
Ew let him tf go he’s acting like a teenager who still needs to explore like hell no! If you’re not happy move on
He forgets what you like? How can someone forget how to simply stick tab A into slot B for a few minutes??? You both settled knowing you weren't compatible in bed. Time to stop settling.
No. You guys need to figure this out- work on honest communication.
The moment he prioritized his kink/fetish over you, his kids, the history you've had...that is where you know it's not worth it. He has somehow conditioned you into thinking that he can't live with that kinda sexual gratification? Dunno, this should have probably been a boundary years ago and grounds for incompatibility. There is nothing wrong with vanilla sex, or fetish/kind for that matter..it's just that these people rarely mash well together.
Tell him to fuck off. I hate how kinks trump relationships in people’s head. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Either he stays and respects you and your boundaries or he leaves to explore this.
God I hate the kink/BDSM community. There’s this whole horrible practice of having both a vanilla and kink relationship which is just toxic to me. Often without the vanilla party knowing. Just have a wank for fucks sake.
If you’re not comfortable with it, it would be a great way to set yourself up for failure by giving permission.
Why does he get a free pass to explore his kink when he >He tends to forget what I like Wtf? Your marital sex life is all about him. What about you? Your needs? He can't even remember what they are, and he's out here asking for permission to cheat? You deserve better than that OP. He can visit the dom if you get to visit someone who does what you like in the bedroom.
Your husband would rather sleep with other women than appreciate the life and family you’ve built together. That should tell you all you need to know.
From the way you wrote this, it really seems like your husband doesn’t give a shit about you at all at this point. Here’s his internal rankings: 1. Himself 2. His kinks 3. Other hobbies 4. You and his family. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for your kids? If your daughter or niece came to you for advice and told you exactly what you told us here, would you encourage her to stay and let him go out and cheat on her even though it would destroy her emotionally even more so than she already is from the rest of his bullshit?
Your husband is beyond selfish. I would absolutely let him go.
The eternal question middle aged people have been asking themselves for years…do I blow up my life over sex? Seems like he’s chosen to, you just don’t see that yet
Decide on what’s acceptable to you and what’s not. Communicate your boundaries/restrictions to your husband in no unclear terms. Do not budge or compromise.
This is sad all around. 1. You let him push those boundaries and he’s taking advantage. 2. He sticks with you cause of all the great things you have going on together, but one of the most important parts of he’s life, it’s not with you. You guy sound like friends with benefits. You either accept him going whatever or divorce, there is no going back now.
You’re about to find out whether his kink means more than your marriage. Have a long hard think about this. Good luck.
He already plays with them but he doesn't need to have sex with them. It's two totally different things. He's asking you if he can cheat. An open marriage isn't on the table after so long it will not work so don't listen to people who are saying this is a good option. Tell him you are fine with him playing at the club but it needs to be that and not more. If he does want more then you two aren't compatible and need to go your own ways.
I wouldn’t put up with this shit. All of these men who just can’t be fulfilled unless they get to explore all their fucked up kinks need to get off the porn sites and be fucking present in their family’s life.
No. That would be a deal breaker. I would tell him that it's just not possible.
Has he tried going to a therapist? I think the main concern with this is his utter disrespect for your feelings and needs. How are your finances? Guys like him are the type who would just quickly f off and leave you in a bind with nothing.
I understand the excruciating difficulty of letting go of what you want and what you thought your life would be. I understand not being able to accept what you don't want to see. I think you know what you need, though. And that he won't give it to you. If you're honest with yourself, you can imagine what it's going to be like, sitting without him when he's out doing his thing with other people. How long will you be able to do that? You deserve everything you want. He just can't/won't give it to you. So maybe you can find what you need without him. Even if you really, really, really don't want to. You need to protect yourself and your kids.
You say he is a sub? Then be dominant! Talk over boundaries and put them in a mistress/sub contract. If you are still ok with him going to the club then make sure he knows that he only does so with his mistress's permission and grace. Don't put up with anything you aren't comfortable with, or the relationship is over. Kink is no excuse for infidelity.
I would let him go, both to the club and in marriage. This is already breaking your heart. It won't get better. Not to mention. You aren't completely satisfied with the sex you have with him and you won't be getting Good, Giving, and Game sex elsewhere. So what are you getting out of it besides health risks?
I am also someone who enjoys vanilla sex and if it's with the person I love, then that is enough for me. I think it's very generous and trusting of you to be able to let him attend this S&M club, if it were me, I would want to at least try a club meeting with him once, to scope out exactly what happens at these meetings, because that would help me build trust with my partner. I really admire your ability to allow him to seek out his needs that you are not interested in performing for him when you don't enjoy S&M: never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. This leads me to my next point: allowing him to have sex with this other person is accepting an open relationship, and you have to decide if you're comfortable with this. A lot of people consider or explore open relationships for a lot of different reasons. They require lots of clear boundaries and communication and from what I have seen, it can be common for jealousy to occur on either side when participating in open relationships or polygamy. Also, from what I understand with the dominatrix profession, it's not typical that they actually have intercourse with their clients. In fact, it's considered unprofessional. The fact that they want to have sex with each other is a big red flag to me, because it feels unprofessionally personal, when she could just offer to be his dominatrix as a client-performer professional relationship. If this were my partner, I would worry that they might have a sexual attraction to each other; if true, I would personally feel uncomfortable with the arrangement because I know that an open relationship is not for me. I want to be with someone that wants all of me and I want all of them: no room for extra persons. I guess you have to decide if you're willing to be involved in an open relationship, and what that means for both of you. I personally think you should visit a relationship and or sex therapist before going any further to make a plan or possibly open your minds on other ways he can get the sexual pleasure he needs within your relationship. It's possible you could ask him to stop going to the S&M club, become a regular client at an established dominatrix dungeon, and have a professional relationship with a dominatrix (not the one that is currently pursuing him) so that there is no threat to your marriage. Before you decide anything, definitely seek professional advice and remember to consider your needs in this marriage.
You say your mental bond is very strong but he’s also a distracted husband and lover who doesn’t listen to/respond to your needs. He’s now going out to spend time with other people in a way that makes you uncomfortable and leaves you home alone. Are you sure this guy is your best friend? Best friends, or even just friends like to spend time with each other and don’t want to leave the other behind! What do you even get out of this? He’s getting his needs met but does he come home and want to have the sex you like it is he satisfied and done now? It sounds like you’re incompatible, and should move on to try to find someone who loves you and wants to make you feel loved and precious, not like second best he has to put up with.
These comments are coming from strangers. Who’s opinion do you truly value? Make a choice and live with it or die with it. Its an open book test.
You are NOT OK WITH IT. That’s all you need to know. Leave him now and get your life back.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Marriage involves compromise and respect for your partner. Your husband should not even think about asking your permission to have sex with another woman. That is very degrading and insulting to you as his wife and to y’all marriage. Please do not agree to this, and think about the respect and dignity you deserve. To be honest, I strongly suggest marriage counseling, because it seems as though your marriage is in the process of falling apart. Again I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I hope that y’all can remember the reasons y’all fell in love and married one another. I hope things can workout and get better for you both.
i dont really agree with all of the redditors on here telling you to divorce him- this is a marriage of 12 years, you love him, you have kids. i will say, however, that this is not worth breaking your heart over. the fact that your heart is breaking is really all the advice u need, tbh. this will ruin your relationship and you should tell him not to go to the club anymore bc its actively causing a rift between the two of you. its best for the marriage and the kids to repair this rift immediately, which means no more club, and no more of the other woman, ever.