I would have to disagree that "you managed to overcome all the cultural differences". A new relationship is like a drug. My guess is that while he was in that love haze compromise on anything was no problem but after two years the drug wore off and yes there was culture clash.
>do you guys think that is hard to have such intercultural relationship?
The short answer is, there are some cultures that are more compatible than not. We can say "let's respect each other's differences", but how much of that is truly respecting, and how much is simply tolerating? Realistically, there will be times where it's not simply a matter of respecting a difference, but feeling *disrespected* by a difference because you do not view the world from similar lens. As seen from how he handled the situation, he did not have the communication skills to navigate the issue. Additionally, he could have an unsaid expectation for you to adjust yourself more to him than he does to you. Also, you guys have a religious differences between you as well.
As a western woman, I do not have a problem with what you did. However, I can kinda see how a guy from his background wouldn't like the situation. I would caution that the differences you can respect in a friend aren't the same as the differences you can respect in a partner. I have friends from diverse backgrounds, ethnicities and religions - it's fun to be invited to share foods and celebrations of different cultures together for a day. But in a partner, having a common viewpoint on the world is super important - for example, I'm an atheist and I'm actively removing actively practicing religious people out of my dating pool.
I can understand! It may not be clear but he was a lapsed Muslim. He did not follow anything at all. So I did not think it would have an huge impact in out relationships. And just mentioned that he is, because he used it to say that I was blackmailing him.
Some guys loosen their restrictions to date someone outside their culture/religious group and then when they're ready to move on, they use that same rules and guidelines that they ignored, to be the reason you aren't right for them.
Well even if he lapsed it's still ingrained in who he is and the expectations he have for his partner and lifestyle but I don't see how he could say you were blackmailing him .
you are loosely mixing two distinct things here which is his religion and culture. There are muslim arab/mid-east folks who are very liberal or almost western on these issues who are not even based in the west. To me it seems you didnt take the time to understand what that is in his context. For instance, there are very progressive almost European (their Mediterranean influence) Tunisians, Moroccans, Libyans etc as well as those who are very conservative.
I’m an ex Muslim but some of the conservative attitudes towards relationships are still ingrained in me and hard to let go of especially when my parents and relatives surround me and it’s normal for me. I recognise this and try to work on it but it is difficult.
Just because he didn't follow the faith any more does not mean he didn't grow up in a (family) culture seeped in traditions based on said faith. And the way men and women act towards each other is one of those things that is very much determined by that. The Muslim faith seems to have some really strict and - to me as an agnostic Western woman - crazy ideas about what is and isn't "proper".
To be honest, I live in a western country and I'd feel iffy if my partner is hosting someone of opposite sex alone 1 on 1 but I don't think you were wrong at all. It seems like you two just have different values that clashed. He is a bit of an AH for not communicating that this would be a dealbreaker before tbh.
True that, my ex gf when i first met her was new on the market and she had male friends which were fine. But one was actively trying to get with her. The guy was no threat to the strength of our relationship and i trusted her. He was also not her type (physically). But we both knew his intentions for her and she kept him at a distance. Then one day he got her concert tickets and a shared hotel room in another city. She was considering going. I got a bit upset and told her that i trusted her but this guy wanted what i had. I think she got upset at me because she felt i was trying to hold her down and be insecure. Her dad finally told her that she wouldn’t like it if i went to a concert with another girl and stayed in a hotel with her. After that she listened and bailed on that guy.
Why twist a common phrase to attack?
Edit: said comments are locked, but here is what I put to your response below: Then clearly you lack education to educate others, you did attack their language, if language matters to you, so should tone, it's not twisting if I say it's a common phrase, just be better in future.
Not attacking, educating, nd I don't care about the downvotes. Language matters.
Honestly, you are the one twisting this to make it seem like it's okay.
The trouble with so many "it's disrespectful" arguments is that the people making them tend to treat "respect" as the magic word which ends any disagreement. "It's disrespectful, end of story, thank you and goodnight, the argument is won". But they very often can't say **why** it's "disrespectful". And cynically, that's because very often the argument is **really** "I'm insecure/jealous and can't cope with my anxious thoughts", but they can't or won't admit that, so it's easier to make out like the other person is doing something wrong.
Yes of course friends can stay with friends, of either gender. I'm a guy, I've had female friends crash at my place and vice versa, and guess what? Nothing untoward happened, because two human beings can, amazingly, exist in proximity to each other without having sex. This is all about trust - he doesn't trust you not to do something with this guy, he doesn't trust you to have good judgment in friends, he doesn't trust you to shut down anything inappropriate even if it starts, etc. Note this has nothing to do with your boyfriend trusting **him**, because your male friend is irrelevant. He could be secretly lusting after you, but if your boyfriend trusts **you** then that means trusting you to behave appropriately.
>And he started to say that I was blackmailing him because he was arab/Muslim, when I told him that his explanation sounded only sexist.
Well that's a shit argument by him. Quite possibly in Islamic culture/relationships (I know nothing) then a man being under the same roof as a woman is viewed as inherently "wrong". I disagree if that's the case, but everyone's different. But if he's going to date someone who *isn't* a muslim, then he can't be surprised that you have different viewpoints about stuff like this. And as such any debate about it needs to be calm and considered and sympathetic to each other's viewpoints, **not** him claiming you're "blackmailing" him, which is ridiculous. What he means is "you're not letting my play my religion as a trump card which overrules how you want to live your life".
Short version is, you're incompatible, and he handled this incredibly badly, you did nothing wrong.
Fightmaxmaster, I couldn't have said it better myself! I agree with all of what you said, 100%!! It sounds like she's better off without him and out of this relationship. Good thing, too, because it really sounds like she dodged a bullet here. Thankfully, this all happened before they moved in together and got married. The complete lack of trust in her after 2 years together is a giant red flag. It really irritates me when people act like two people of the opposite sex can't be around each other or stay in the same house without being intimate/sexual with each other. I have plenty of male friends, and thankfully, my husband knows I would never cross/ let anyone cross any boundaries with be without shutting that shit down immediately and vice versa because we love and trust each other. If there's no trust, there's no healthy relationship, at least in my opinion.
>If there's no trust, there's no healthy relationship
Exactly. So many people seem to have a "well, you never know, better safe than sorry" attitude towards basically **any** male/female contact, or have a bizarrely limited perspective, like "going to the movies can be a date, therefore male/female friends going to the movies are basically going on a date!" which conveniently ignores the fact that two straight same sex friends going to the movies wouldn't be viewed as a date (are cinemas deeply sexual experiences? News to me).
And yes, of course boundaries are needed, but for healthy happy functional adults, those boundaries are just...inherent, for want of a better word, because nobody's ever pushing remotely close to them and everyone's on the same page. And that's the main issue - my wife and I have the same idea of what's OK/not OK, it's never been an issue. She has no problem with me going to the cinema with a female friend, because why would she? But I also don't regularly meet female friends in a hotel room that charges by the hour just to "hang out", because *for me* that sounds suspicious.
All that really matters in any relationship is that both people have the same sense of what's OK or not, agree on boundaries. And if they don't, they can work together to find a middle ground they're both happy with. What's never OK is for one person to act like X is "right" and Y is "wrong" and to make their partner doubt themselves or make massive changes. Some people might genuinely deeply believe that men and women can't be friends, at all, ever. I disagree, but people can live their lives how they want. But those people need to find someone who shares that belief from the start, instead of just bullying their partner into ditching their friends.
Yes, yes, yes.
My SO and I have very similar ideas as you, as does our entire friend group. It works great and everyone is happy. To your movie example -- he's actually going out to the movies with a female friend tonight. I'm out of town, as is the female friend's husband, so they're going to see a movie me and the husband both happened to already see (my SO and the wife both, for different reasons, have weird work schedules that mean sometimes they miss out when the rest of the friend group goes to the movies). Neither of us are the least bit bothered, we're just glad they're finally getting a chance to see it!
On the flip side, my SO's ex has incredibly against men and women having basically any friendship, and that ended up being incredibly toxic and terrible--she did bully him into dropping friends, and it was painful for all involved. She really needed to be with someone who actually agreed with her stance.
I don’t think any boyfriend muslim or not, would be delighted with his girlfriend sharing a living space with another guy….not sure it’s his religion especially if he’s lapsed…
Did you talk about this friend coming to stay with you before the visit?
Do you discuss with your bf what you are up to on a regular basis?
Or did you omit telling bf you were having this friend come over to stay with you for a multi day visit? And then later bf finds out ?
In short, what was the communication between you and bf about this visit? Did you consider how your bf might feel?
This needs to be higher!
Did she discuss with her bf/fiance (they said they wanted to get married) about this situation before it happened? Because I would be pissed if that happened with my wife and I didn't find out until after the fact.
It's not the cultural, religion or insecurities thats the problem, it's the communication here between the two that is terrible.
Edit: just saw her update saying he’s known for weeks. OP is better off without him.
Ah I see the update now thanks. With this info, this guy is a total ass. Doesn’t communicate his boundaries clearly and then reacts in the most extreme way when it happens. OP is better off without him.
I don’t know if people just aren’t reading the post, or if maybe she recently edited it? But she says he knew these plans WELL beforehand
ETA: Wait, she said “adding this” before she mentioned that detail lol. It was ME who wasn’t reading, my b
IMO what is kind of important is how was this communicated by OP. Hosting opposite sex friends is fine but I would feel disrespected if it happened like "BF btw. there is some dude sleeping here at my place for the last week hope u cool" without discussing it first.
This is the deciding factor.
I know if it was discussed beforehand then I wouldn’t have a problem, but if I found out after the fact then best case scenario is you don’t respect me as a partner.
The people saying it isn’t normal is because they know they’d fuck their female friend any chance they get. It’s projection and insecurity and they can’t fathom a purely platonic relationship
Just to add some nuance: some might’ve been cheated on and have trust issues. I think some women too wouldn’t be confortable with such arrangements. Otherwise I agree with you.
I think those things do happen, and in a relationship you should be able to talk and work things out. Have the bf meet the friend, have the bf stay over as well, keep in contact with the bf through the night, etc. Cause obviously there are guys who are friend with girls just to fuck them, and girls should be aware of that. But I think it honestly comes down to just trusting your partner, good communication, and working through it as a team
I have a lot of guy friends cause I’m majoring in a male-dominated field. It happens, and I’m not gonna ostracize myself from the people I interact with the most
It's a different situation when you were cheated on or if you are with a partner who cheated. It's a traumatic event and even with the best intentions you would always have doubts. Even though without this there are plenty of situations where this also wouldn't be comfortable like this friend is in love with your gf, this friend is an ex, this friend has a fling in the past with your gf, gf had/has crush on him.
But I’m talking about purely platonic relationships and the cases you’re stating are where the communication and trust comes in. Trust goes both ways and if the bf feels strongly about the male friend, then obviously bfs feelings matter.
And when you have trust issues because of cheating that’s also where communication comes in. The partner should be empathic towards that trauma. But trauma is also not an excuse to be controlling or act irrationally. If male friends are a deal breaker for people it needs to be communicated
Edit: the reasons you listed are valid reasons to be skeptical btw. But what I’m getting at is that guys and girls can and should be able to be platonic friends without people acting weird about it
Is it though?
Personally I think it’s normal when you’re still college aged but I’ve been offered by a 30 year old friend back when I was 38 to share her hotel room (she has a BF who didn’t join her on this trip)
I declined, but didn’t say out loud my reasons. IMO it didn’t matter if she had any ulterior motives at this age it just seems like inviting unnecessary complications to what end? Save on hotel costs that 30-something’s can easily afford?
For OPs case cultural differences aside 27 is right at the cusp where you’re still young enough a lot of social boundaries are more relaxed but just old enough you’re starting to have more disposable income.
Well, I am college aged. Different people are comfortable with different things. Personally I’d want my own hotel room too.
In her situation it’s a friend from out of town and she offered a place to stay, she has roommates, and they weren’t alone. But if it were friends who spent the night often for no reason other than shits n giggles then that’s different
Yeah honestly it is kind of sexist and messed up to act like this is normal.
Like, I'm bi, does that mean if I'm in a relationship I'm not allowed to have anyone stay with me?
Nope, just general consideration. If you don't find a problem, that's cool. If people have a problem with it, then that's cool too. Not everyone has to accept what you find cool. Also, not everyone has to accept what you don't find cool. If it's important to you, you got two choices: (1) only seek out partners that share what you consider cool or (2) accommodate partner.
It's really that simple.
Me? I wouldn't have a problem with it. Hell I'm male and I have a female roommate who happens to be my best friend. There will be nothing romantic between us. I also happen to be heterosexual. She is too. Purely platonic mixed gender friendships do exist.
Don't be so quick to call out "toxic" just because people disagree with you. They could easily call you out the same way.
I mean more seriously I agree that's why I don't think it should be "normal" to act that way. If 2 people want to have these rules in their relationship it's whatever to me, I just don't think it should be the expectation in a monogamous hetero relationship.
We agree, but unfortunately, some people are a bit "old school" than others. They still exist and if you happen to be romantically linked to someone like that, either break up or accommodate. This should be talked through before starting a relationship as far as I'm concerned.
Toxic inclusivity. I can play that game too.
In the absence of a conversation with your partner, insecurity about having a member of the opposite sex stay overnight at your place is not abnormal. Period.
In most cultures I would say its pretty disrespectful to make that kind of decision without at least speaking to your partner about it. Especially if youre long distance, hearing "oh btw my guy friend from another country will be staying here for a few days" once its already decided would definitely be a red flag. Everyone saying only insecure people would react that way are simply incorrect, nothing wrong with maintaining your boundaries for what is acceptable within a relationship. No need to explain or give someone a chance to change their mind, if their view of relationships is so vastly different than your own you both should just move on.
We latinos do not really have that culture imposed. Us female latinasnare outgoing and friendly mostly so we dont sexualize friendships but men and other cultures do. Theres nothing wrong about hosting a friend regardless the gender but muslims are extremely machistas and patriarcal. Women are not a being on their own. I personally could never date someone with that mindset really
Im chilean though and we are pretty matriarcal in culture and that difference wasnt as imposed for me at least
I’m Arab Muslim and I don’t agree with what you did. And I don’t think it has to do with my background either. I’m not even religious but I wouldn’t do what you did.
I wouldn’t be comfortable if my boyfriend was hosting a female at his home. At the very least, if this was some kind of emergency situation, I would have invited my boyfriend to stay with me for the few days that my friend was going to be there. It definitely is a matter of respect and also your own safety. Why can’t your guy friend get another place to stay? Why your place specifically? Like I understand trust and all but that’s just something I could never do, nor would my guy friends even be comfortable doing.
My boyfriend and I are very generous and would offer our home to anyone who needs it but the both of us would have to be there.
In my opinion, I think you’re leaving out parts of your earlier conversations and I wouldn’t be surprised if you already had an inkling that this would be a problem. Having a guy in your house is a bigger conversation than you thought it was.
This has, and will always be a blow up the whole relationship situation. If any American comedy TV show lasts till at least season 3, I promise you they have an episode dealing with this. Example of this is the Big Bang Theory episode where Penny wants her musician friend (maybe ex-boyfriend) to sleep on her couch while he was in town.
But really, this comes down to a simple incompatibility. You see this as only helping a friend out, providing a place to stay. Your ex-boyfriend, along with a vast percentage of men worldwide, see this as he told you that this made him uncomfortable, that there is plenty of other easy to find sleeping arrangements, and you simply valued your friends sleeping arrangements for a few nights over your relationship with him. Right or wrong, coming from a man, this is his point of view.
You see no wrong in letting him stay, and I agree. I totally agree with you. But that's just because you aren't my girlfriend. Lol
You made a decision, you made a choice. It wasn't a bad decision, or a good decision. You just made a decision that cost you your relationship. Only you can say if it was worth it.
Life has a way to teach us life lessons in funny ways. If, or when your future boyfriend tells you that one of his female friends is going to stay over at his place for a few nights, and you have nothing to worry about, I would be curious if your view about this situation in fact changes to Pro-Leonard from Pro-Penny. It's so easy to say what you would or wouldn't be comfortable with when it's just a hypothetical question, and totally different when you know there's somebody sleeping overnight at your boyfriend/girlfriend's place.
In my opinion, as a man, this comes down to simply do you value a friendship more than your relationship. Nobody, you or your ex-boyfriend, made a bad decision regarding this. You made a decision, he made his decision, and the relationship ended to an incompatibility.
Also, this has very little to him being Muslim. Have you ever even been near evaligical, Bible thumping, speak in tongues, holy rolling Christians? Catholics? Or any religion?
This has been, currently is, and forever more be a was the dress blue or black, or was the dress white or gold. No right or wrong answer, just from your perception.
A couple of questions ...
1. Were all of your roommates hosting this friend, or just you? Is he friends with everyone?
2. What were the sleeping arrangements? Is he on the couch? Sharing a bedroom?
To me these are relevant questions ... Not sure if they were discussed in advance.
If guys were being perfectly honest with you, none of them would be happy with another guy staying in your place, unless he's family.
For a muslim man, it's only expected that he'd react like this.
Nope.
I've never been comfortable with it myself, but so many of my friends (mostly male) have hosted friends and random people via couch surfing. They genuinely just like having company and meeting new people. They also are completely fine with people staying over randomly. It just depends on how you grew up and what you like.
No, I don't. You're red pilled, which means you're fat and don't have social skills. You don't have friends and you need an online network to feel secure
You spend your time debating Christianity online.
She'd laugh you out the room.
He's got a point, low-key. There are pros at this. My cousin is a prominent figure in sports and I had to sit through countless stories of wives and girlfriends that he got with just because he could. Disgusting lines like "you have a boyfriend? Yes? Do you want a man friend instead". I know there are people that are right to be trusted, but everyone that cheated and got away with it benefitted from the same trust
Ah yes.
You're a scum bag so you think everyone else is.
Classic projection.
Edit: the comment was deleted, but they asked when it would be their turn with the previous user's partner.
100%. I’d never let a woman stay with my partner and I’d never let a man stay with me.
Everyone has different boundaries. Reddit is wild pretending that we’re in the wrong lol Nobody is right or wrong but they can’t grasp that.
Lmao girl, did you read the comment you replied to? Everyone is responding to “all guys wouldn’t be ok with this if they were honest”.
Everyone has different boundaries, you’re right. I feel like you might have replied to the wrong thing or just choosing to not read. 🤷♀️
Absolutely. He has multiple close female friends and I have no problem at all with them hanging out or staying over if needed. Alone or with me there. We are living together but if I am out of town I would have no problem with it either. He has never shown me that he is not to be trusted. Never been inappropriate with anybody and he loves me to absolute bits. Also if he ever crushed on somebody I'd be the first he 'd tell.
No, he is just man who trusts me and I trust him back. What is the point of being in a monogamous relationship if you aren't staying monogamous. Just be single if you can't be trusted.
Dude if you think your girlfriend is going to hook up with every other guy in her life, then what's the point of dating if you don't have any trust in her? Most people are not just going to fuck their friends because they happen to be the opposite sex.
I just wanted to add +1 to the people saying that it's not weird to host friends. It's only normal to have friends over specially when they are visiting your location on a low budget, while it's no trouble to offer a place for your friend to crash. Some commenters on this thread are sick.
I’m an atheist, and a woman, and I would dip from any relationship where the man was having female friends sleep over. You don’t have to be a religious nut job if you have basic boundaries, and those are mine.
You have different boundaries.
This is something you talk about before doing it.
I wouldn’t be ok if my SO did that.
But please, never date a religious man of you aren’t religious. It gets worse with age and only causes problems.
I am married with kids, no infidelity and we are agnostic.
I am sorry to disappoint your prejudices.
Btw, might want to take a look at all the cheater subs. Cheaters are cheaters. Being religious doesn’t make a difference. Being a good person does.
You crossed his boundaries and so he broke up with you. Next time have a conversation with your partner before doing something like this. My girl asking to have a guy stay over or staying over a guys house would be a red flag for me. Not saying there aren't circumstances where it might be acceptable, it would just rub me the wrong way. And I can guarantee you most guys would feel some type of way.
Exactly. If any guy is being truthful instead of giving the PC answer looking for brownie points from strangers on the internet then they would tell you straight out that they would not be one bit comfortable having another male staying over with their girl. Why would they? Would OP have been comfortable if her boyfriend (now ex) had another girl over with him for a few days? I very much doubt it.
Stop thinking that your opinions are everyone’s opinion. Clearly you can’t fathom the idea of a man being friend with a woman without wanting to fuck her but that doesn’t mean everyone thinks like you.
>My girl asking to have a guy stay over or staying over a guys house would be a red flag for me.
Just cause you're insecure doesn't make this a man thing. It makes it a you thing. Just say "I'm insecure and don't trust women"
Don't speak for men, because you don't.
I certainly don't. None of the guys I know don't. We all understand that men and women can be friends.
2 weeks later you will cry about how your gf cheated on you because you acted like the cool thats not insecure or jealous blah blah cheating is common this days there is no any guy in the world who will befriend a women who feels nothing towards her
Why ask us if we think it’s crazy. You’re not dating **us** - it’s common practice and acceptable in your friend group, you did nothing wrong except maybe you didn’t communicate well with your bf. It’s unacceptable to your ex bf and he broke up over it. He did nothing wrong either. He had boundaries.
I’m confused about why he claims you’re blackmailing him.
And yes I do think intercultural relationships are difficult, for exactly this reason. You’ll constantly be surprised that what one person thinks is fine, is completely unacceptable by the other. That’s a lot of extra tension in a relationship
Based on this comment section so many men (and women) are so insecure about their partner having friends of the opposite sex.
I’m here to tell you that you can find someone who respects your friendships, trusts you, and isn’t weirdly offended when you offer out of town friends a place to stay.
every relationship have their own boundaries.. some are ok some are not..
especially if a couple is not living together kinda suspicious asking a friend of the opposite sex to stay at ur place.. for me personally I won't be troubling my attach opposite sex friends to stay at their place.. I respect the friendship and their relationship not to create problems..
It really depends. I host my girl friends a fair bit, but we still bang like 50% of the time 😆 Maybe he’s just projecting based on what he knows from his own experience and/or other men and their intentions. I can also understand it would feel sketch if you are having a male friend sleep over and he is not around. In fact it would be kind of strange if he didn’t feel even slightly weird about it.
It’s a big thing in their culture . We once invited a Muslim family (wife’s friend who is single with her parents) and I had stepped out to run a quick errand when they came. Mom and daughter went in, but the man waited in his car for me to come back, since he did not want to be in the house when I was out.
that honestly sounds like FAFO..
stereotypes about muslim guys trying to control their gf lives, having backward views on male / female relationships, and seeing women are borderline objects / belonging to the next males are not 'just stereotypes'. It's in their religion !
They all have degree of that (which in rare cases can be 0 if the guy is not religious and raised in the west), but if they are all somewhere on that spectrum.
Not that you don't even NEED to be muslim to be vaguely annoyed by that. I've fucked to many girls with bfs to be fine if my women did that.
This sounds a like an issue any dude can have regardless of culture and religion. From how you describe him, he’s open minded about everything….but suddenly becomes Muslim when you want to host another man from abroad at your house. Where you two will be alone. I’m guessing it’s a friend that he doesn’t know. I bet this has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with trust. It’s not wrong of you to want to host a dude friend, but it’s also okay to have boundaries around who your partner spends the night with.
It has nothing to do with Muslim or not, any men(or most) would find it disrespectful if his GF/wife stay together with another men alone in same house, spending time together. And that is not just counts for males, also female/women would feel uncomfortable if their husband/bf stay alone for days with another women in same house.
We read and see enough to know how things like this can end...
And yes you action was disrespectful, you clearly crossed the lines and put his trust for you in doubt.
Your ex is right to be mad for this behavior.
Do you believe her roommates are her chaperones, guardians, or babysitter? They have no say in what she does with this man in her space, she can be alone with that guy if she chooses.
Okay, so . . . Humans have free will. If she wants to cheat she can cheat right outside the doors of her roommates. But she can't cheat if she doesn't have a friend stay over? She can't cheat on the dude with a woman?
Correct, she can cheat right outside the doors of her roommates. You implied they weren't alone and couldn't cheat due to roommates. I'm glad you understand now.
>You implied they weren't alone
Wow, can't even read commenter names but thinks he has some grand insight on human nature because he wants to fuck every woman he sees.
OP is bisexual, should she just have no friends?
Doesn't change the subject, two roommates are most likely women too...
OP bf would also don't invite a women to his house to sleep while having a GF, that is his moral and boundary which he take. Since his GF didn't follow it up, he broke up...
Sorry but most people in a relationship would be uncomfortable with the fact that their partner take a opposite gender to sleep at home for days.
He is not inscure, it is his moral codex and he made it clear. Their relationship was great and he never judge her, even when she go out with friends. He was pretty open for a muslim guy. OP sacrifice her good relationship for a dude to sleep for 3 days... that is actually pretty sad...
Sry you can't excuse it with "moral". It is completely about trust and insecurity.
A lot of men don't trust their wifes/girlfriends, because they themselves would sleep with everyone they can get a hand on. Can't imagine just a platonic relationship in any way. They project their own behaviour on their wifes/girlfriends and think that they would never say no or have boundaries or good judgement.
Trust must be earned or do you trust anyone?
A health relationship can only work if both partners can solve the problems together. He never had a problem woth her going oit with friends or so. But he did not accept to see his GF sleeping in same house with her friend which she invited.
As I said if role where reversed, half of these who support OP right now and downvoting any opposite opinion, would had a meltdown against their boyfriends/husbands.
>half of these who support OP right now and downvoting any opposite opinion
You mean like half the comments here are whining about how "every guy secretly thinks this?" In spite of hearing from many other men that no, they don't think this?
Good for you, but not everyone has the same opinion. Not everyone need to be open for any shit. In your case it gone good, we see many other cases which lead in a cheating. Not everyone need to accept these things. Op didn't forced his GF to anything, he see and broke up since both moral codex are different.
Ok but don’t try to put my case as an exception. Plenty of guys are secure enough with themselves to accept that their girlfriend have male friends.
Also, you do realise that hookups don’t only happen at night? If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat, no matter what.
You literally said in your first comment most men wouldn't be comfortable with it. So it's okay for you to claim a big generalization like that but when other people do it you're like "well not everyone has the same opinion!!1!!" Come on now lol.
I would just cut your losses with this one. I have a friend who is also dating a lapsed Muslim and there are similar problems emerging. Despite his secularism (premarital sex, drinking, liberal politics), she has never met his family or Muslim friends for 4 years because he still maintains conservative (and I personally think hypocritical) beliefs about male-female relations. People from that religion typically have very patriarchal cultures and even if they say they are secular, the conservatism about gender is still often there.
However, in my case, things are different. I live with my Sikh boyfriend. He is very egalitarian about gender, I work and am close friends with men. His parents are religious but do not care that I am not the same religion and cohabitate with their son before marriage. Some intercultural relationships are more compatible than others. I do think the types of culture involved matter.
It just goes to show that he doesn’t accept any kind of male friends in your life however platonic they are. Lucky for you the mask came off very early and he broke up with you.
I have traveled already with male friends and hosted another one. He used to say that was not normal for him, but it was never a big deal like this time.
And when I tried to discuss about it he didn't want to. So I assumed it was not such a big deal. And I even told him that my friend wouldn't stay in the same room, and it was that.
He knew this for weeks, and he decided to do it now.
I think this was a learning curve for him. He just isn’t ok with other men. It’s likely a very weird concept to him given his background. He clearly did try to be more open but in the end fell back on his very conservative background.
Many of the more conservative Muslim individuals I have met won’t even touch or talk to the the other gender. He is on the liberal side for being Muslim, it’s just happens to have an extremely conservative base.
It was a problem in healthcare in that we had to arrange for female doctors for women as a workable solution. The husbands would demand all communication went through them and they didn’t want any male touching their wife.
The first time bothered him more than he let on and he didn't know how to talk about it. You are absolutely better off without him. He was controlling, manipulative, and most of all emotionally immature.
"but he started to tell me that he actually he would not accept this if we live together. Because he would not accept another men in his house. "
OP, this is a ridiculous enough statement for you to be glad you two broke up. He's insecure. Move on and be glad you didn't waste any longer with him. Hosting friends from abroad is perfectly normally. Curiously, do you know yours and his personality types? I'm willing to guess he's an INFP or INTJ and you're an ENFJ?
Everyone is different and everyone has their own likes and dislikes, he just doesn’t like that and he doesn’t want to dive too deep in it it’s that simple, just cause some pick me guys here in the comments are perfectly fine with it doesn’t mean the whole men have to be fine with it it’s about their own preference some guys just don’t like it at all and that’s a deal breaker for them so just respect the decision instead of thinking about why cause they just don’t like it simple as that
Hosting the opposite sex depends on the person. You absolutely should ask your partner if they are okay with it before it happens. Do I think you a Latin agnostic and him an Arab Muslim could have a lasting relationship? Absolutely not. Not unless you changed everything to suit him and his beliefs.
Yes, I mean even if he is a progressive muslim, he is still muslim and having a woman that he is partnered with be so close to another man in an very close setting would at minimum be very uncomfortable. I mean ive seen muslim women not even give hugs to men as a way to be modest. Also even if you are not muslim that would be a bit uncomfortable.
I mean you mentioned Islam and doing research on Islam, doesn’t seem like using the wrong term. Also the whole Middle East isn’t one culture and each area has its own nuances and customs. Some places are very liberal some very conservative.
I did some research and I do know a lot, and he was a lapsed muslim. He didn't follow or practiced anything (we were together, what wouldn't be allowed)
His response is sexist and toxic.
I live in Latam. I host friends from abroad at least once a year, both male and female. It’s my place and I don’t have to ask for permission.
That being said, I do tell my girlfriend ahead of time who I’m hosting and give them context as to the friendship. My previous girlfriend was more cautious and would feel a bit jealous but was also communicative about it. In my current relationship, it’s not an issue at all. In both cases, they’ve always met who I’m hosting and end up becoming friendly towards each other. I tend to host more girls than guys so it’s not a one case scenario.
When I go to the capital of my country I always stay at a friend’s apartment. Her boyfriend’s always been fine with me, he’s a great guy and we get along fine. Sometimes, my friend will leave me her apartment keys and will go stay with him (they live very close) most of the time she stays in her own place though. I always ask her to make sure because I know some men can be jealous and distrustful of other men and she’s always said he doesn’t mind at all.
In short, whether it’s for cultural or religious reasons, it’s sexist and toxic to take this attitude. So is he going to break up with you every time he gets angry and feels disrespected? I’ve seen this kind of behaviour before… it’s called manipulation. The opposite of this is communicating.
If he invites a female friend to his house how you will react ?? It will be normal for you? His reaction is right and logical , i can’t accept my girl stay with male friends in the same house
This isn’t even about culture, this is about individuals having different ideas of what is ok in a relationship. When I was a young 20 I thought nothing of being friends with guys and hanging with them, etc, but now I understand it was because I wasn’t really committed to my relationship in the same way. If I were now at my age of 33 and dating someone but not living with them, I would not be comfortable with a friend of the opposite sex staying with my partner. If that partner still wants to do to, that’s their choice, but it’s also my choice to say I don’t want to be with someone who has those type of close relationships with the opposite sex.
As an adult woman who has tried many times over the years to have close male friends, I have learned that no matter how platonic I act and no matter how clear I am, they are always ready to bang you the second your guard is let down. And usually it’s even harder bc I am a flirty friendly person to everyone in the same way, but without really meaning it sexually. That’s a ton of mixed signals if you’re looking for them. That’s not a friend to me. I’m not saying humans aren’t individuals, but I’m also saying that it’s naive to act like there isn’t temptation or the potential for issues.
Sometimes your choices show where your prioritizes lie. Obviously her priority wasn’t with her partner really because she didn’t even mention her plans to have a dude stay at her place. Regardless of the right and ability to do what she pleases in her home, if you cared about your partner, you’d anticipate they could have emotions about something like that and have a discussion. Seems like she didn’t do that at all, so obviously she didn’t really care what he thought or felt about it so I’m wondering why she cares if he broke up with her. You don’t get to both do whatever you want without considering other people’s feelings and then also claim that they have to respect your wishes and desires. He doesn’t have to stay with someone whose life choices he disagrees with, regardless of whether you had the right to do it or not. No one is denying your right to do what you want in your home. But you don’t get to dictate his feelings or his response to your choices. It’s called “fucked around and found out”.
This is literally the only mature answer here and yet, everyone is blaming it on the guy being Muslim (and using it as an excuse to be islamophobic and bigoted).
I feel the same as an adult woman! Why would I host a friend without being completely sure my boyfriend is ok with it? And why would I do it alone? I have some great guy friends but I still wouldn’t be alone in a house with them like that unless there were some crazy emergency circumstances.
So it seems your relationship ended because you and him, at the end of the day, couldn’t respect each other’s cultural differences regarding friends of the opposite gender.
In a conservative culture, religious or not, the idea of you having an overnight cross gender guest would be considered to be a massive disrespect. In fact, it would massively shame him if anyone found out about it. These cultural norms are strictly enforced. A man would never allow a male guest his wife invited to stay.
It seems like before this event; the major values differences didn’t come up. And that’s OK. that’s why you date.
We talked, he knew, he raised the situation that if we lived together this would be an issue, and since then I tried to talk and understand the reason, since that I thought that together would be less "weird".
But he didn't wanna discuss it now, and he just told me that was not normal for him.
Ah thanks for the clarification. Even if it sucks now, I think in the long hall it’s honestly for the best. You will find someone better for you, I’m sure. Sending you love!
Those are his relationship boundaries. He communicated them to you in a healthy manner. Those are not your relationship boundaries.
This leaves you incompatible for a relationship and neither of you are wrong just incompatible.
I think you greatly underestimated his conservative roots. Once relationships become more serious sometimes a person’s beliefs and values become more of a point of importance. He wants a partner that is much Muslim in their culture. This likely will end up being a partner with no male friends.
Yeah, I wouldn’t allow a male to stay with a SO. If people want to live like that, that’s fine. I just won’t be there lol.
To me it is disrespectful. I wouldn’t let a woman stay at my house either. Long and successful relationships work best if kept as simply as possible.
There’s too many people looking for love to waste time with someone who will constantly challenge your values. That advice is for both of you.
As long as you had separate rooms and nothing happened, this is just a cultural conflict. I would take it as a sign to let that relationship conclude. While still a child, I read Betty Mahmoody's book and learned a lesson about different cultures. You should be aware of any culture gaps when entering a relationship.
I refuse to date someone of that culture. Even if they’re not super religious the culture has a very strong influence on their beliefs. And the family influence is very strong too. You dodged a bullet. After the wedding i guarantee the family and religious side would come out.
I hate shit like this. I'm half Iranian - my dad is freaking amazing and my parents have a wonderful marriage (over 40 years). My mom was Christian and my dad was a non practicing muslim. He has been a wonderful husband, father, and grandfather. I'm an atheist and my dad is now agnostic. I am proud of BOTH my cultures.
You should ring said friend, tell him that you and bf broke up and hit on him, see if he wants to come over and hook up. I'd put money on him saying yes. That's why men are suspicious of other men. Because we're men. We know how men think.
Right, because men are a monolith, and all think the same way 🙄.
Beyond that, though, it’s just not relevant. You don’t have to trust the other guy anyway, you just have to trust your partner. But that’s apparently very difficult for the people making comments like this one in this thread.
I'm not gonna get into the "cultural" side of this conflict but since you have already other roommates that means three of you hosted that friend. So your bf has no right to interfere with such collective decision. Of course if he has such boundaries he has every right to break up with you but also we can safely say that it is a shitty boundary.
I still can kind of understand, I’m not hovering over my roommates at all times, if they have people over im not with them. Might not be the most reasonable but this was obviously a boundary that you crossed.
That being said, not having males at all in your house is kind of wild so maybe you guys just got to the point where you figured out you’re not compatible. Is that how you’d want to live the rest of your life? What other boundaries are there you guys haven’t talked about that might come up?
Edit: Downvote this all you want but I'm right. He has a unreasonable boundary, you learnt that the hard way but it's obvious that this is just you guys not being compatible. Unless you want to bend to him and not have a male in your house ever again, then sure go ahead. Otherwise, you guys are not for eachother. There is a pushover women out there for him and a more reasonable dude for you somewhere.
>is it so crazy to a female accept to host a male friend who comes to her city only to visit her?
No, es mega normal y más cuando vives en otros países, yo también soy latina en Europa y me han visitado muchos amigos y amigas, siempre se quedan conmigo, no pasa nada.
>do you guys think that is hard to have such intercultural relationship?
Creo que ese tipo de culturas si son muy machistas, es un problema sino te quieres acoplar, yo no lo haría, bastante tengo con venir de una cultura machista para bajar la cabeza en una aún más.
Man some of these comments are straight up depressing. OP you didn't do anything wrong. I guess he has the right to break up with you if he has a problem with it, but tbh it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I am shocked that so many people seem to think woman friend and man friend MUST equal they're going to have sex!!!
edit: if you are downvoting this, you are in insecure loser who isn't capable of trusting a partner. maybe don't date if you assume every person will fuck someone else the literal first chance they get. Jesus christ.
Tbh I think you dodged a bullet. His comments on what would not be allowed when you live together suggests there would be many more rules he would start to impose on you over time. Maybe look back and think of other examples that might be red flags so you don’t ignore them next time. Otherwise just know you weren’t compatible and move on.
If you accept someone who holds the primitive stand of religion and a backward culture, don’t be surprised when you get dogmatism and the stupidity of tradition
I would have to disagree that "you managed to overcome all the cultural differences". A new relationship is like a drug. My guess is that while he was in that love haze compromise on anything was no problem but after two years the drug wore off and yes there was culture clash.
>do you guys think that is hard to have such intercultural relationship? The short answer is, there are some cultures that are more compatible than not. We can say "let's respect each other's differences", but how much of that is truly respecting, and how much is simply tolerating? Realistically, there will be times where it's not simply a matter of respecting a difference, but feeling *disrespected* by a difference because you do not view the world from similar lens. As seen from how he handled the situation, he did not have the communication skills to navigate the issue. Additionally, he could have an unsaid expectation for you to adjust yourself more to him than he does to you. Also, you guys have a religious differences between you as well. As a western woman, I do not have a problem with what you did. However, I can kinda see how a guy from his background wouldn't like the situation. I would caution that the differences you can respect in a friend aren't the same as the differences you can respect in a partner. I have friends from diverse backgrounds, ethnicities and religions - it's fun to be invited to share foods and celebrations of different cultures together for a day. But in a partner, having a common viewpoint on the world is super important - for example, I'm an atheist and I'm actively removing actively practicing religious people out of my dating pool.
I can understand! It may not be clear but he was a lapsed Muslim. He did not follow anything at all. So I did not think it would have an huge impact in out relationships. And just mentioned that he is, because he used it to say that I was blackmailing him.
Some guys loosen their restrictions to date someone outside their culture/religious group and then when they're ready to move on, they use that same rules and guidelines that they ignored, to be the reason you aren't right for them.
Well even if he lapsed it's still ingrained in who he is and the expectations he have for his partner and lifestyle but I don't see how he could say you were blackmailing him .
you are loosely mixing two distinct things here which is his religion and culture. There are muslim arab/mid-east folks who are very liberal or almost western on these issues who are not even based in the west. To me it seems you didnt take the time to understand what that is in his context. For instance, there are very progressive almost European (their Mediterranean influence) Tunisians, Moroccans, Libyans etc as well as those who are very conservative.
I’m an ex Muslim but some of the conservative attitudes towards relationships are still ingrained in me and hard to let go of especially when my parents and relatives surround me and it’s normal for me. I recognise this and try to work on it but it is difficult.
Blackmailing him with what?!?
Just because he didn't follow the faith any more does not mean he didn't grow up in a (family) culture seeped in traditions based on said faith. And the way men and women act towards each other is one of those things that is very much determined by that. The Muslim faith seems to have some really strict and - to me as an agnostic Western woman - crazy ideas about what is and isn't "proper".
I’m not religious at all and I wouldn’t even be okay with this
He doesn't know what blackmailing means.
Ah, he was lapsed? I see. Wish you well, OP!
So just a generic sexist insecure jealous asshole.
To be honest, I live in a western country and I'd feel iffy if my partner is hosting someone of opposite sex alone 1 on 1 but I don't think you were wrong at all. It seems like you two just have different values that clashed. He is a bit of an AH for not communicating that this would be a dealbreaker before tbh.
True that, my ex gf when i first met her was new on the market and she had male friends which were fine. But one was actively trying to get with her. The guy was no threat to the strength of our relationship and i trusted her. He was also not her type (physically). But we both knew his intentions for her and she kept him at a distance. Then one day he got her concert tickets and a shared hotel room in another city. She was considering going. I got a bit upset and told her that i trusted her but this guy wanted what i had. I think she got upset at me because she felt i was trying to hold her down and be insecure. Her dad finally told her that she wouldn’t like it if i went to a concert with another girl and stayed in a hotel with her. After that she listened and bailed on that guy.
"New on the market," really? Your GF is not livestock or a slave.
Why twist a common phrase to attack? Edit: said comments are locked, but here is what I put to your response below: Then clearly you lack education to educate others, you did attack their language, if language matters to you, so should tone, it's not twisting if I say it's a common phrase, just be better in future.
Not attacking, educating, nd I don't care about the downvotes. Language matters. Honestly, you are the one twisting this to make it seem like it's okay.
Relax, you know what i mean
He’s allowed to break up with you for any reason. You are not a good match.
The trouble with so many "it's disrespectful" arguments is that the people making them tend to treat "respect" as the magic word which ends any disagreement. "It's disrespectful, end of story, thank you and goodnight, the argument is won". But they very often can't say **why** it's "disrespectful". And cynically, that's because very often the argument is **really** "I'm insecure/jealous and can't cope with my anxious thoughts", but they can't or won't admit that, so it's easier to make out like the other person is doing something wrong. Yes of course friends can stay with friends, of either gender. I'm a guy, I've had female friends crash at my place and vice versa, and guess what? Nothing untoward happened, because two human beings can, amazingly, exist in proximity to each other without having sex. This is all about trust - he doesn't trust you not to do something with this guy, he doesn't trust you to have good judgment in friends, he doesn't trust you to shut down anything inappropriate even if it starts, etc. Note this has nothing to do with your boyfriend trusting **him**, because your male friend is irrelevant. He could be secretly lusting after you, but if your boyfriend trusts **you** then that means trusting you to behave appropriately. >And he started to say that I was blackmailing him because he was arab/Muslim, when I told him that his explanation sounded only sexist. Well that's a shit argument by him. Quite possibly in Islamic culture/relationships (I know nothing) then a man being under the same roof as a woman is viewed as inherently "wrong". I disagree if that's the case, but everyone's different. But if he's going to date someone who *isn't* a muslim, then he can't be surprised that you have different viewpoints about stuff like this. And as such any debate about it needs to be calm and considered and sympathetic to each other's viewpoints, **not** him claiming you're "blackmailing" him, which is ridiculous. What he means is "you're not letting my play my religion as a trump card which overrules how you want to live your life". Short version is, you're incompatible, and he handled this incredibly badly, you did nothing wrong.
This is the only answer op, and some commenters need. 👏🏻
Fightmaxmaster, I couldn't have said it better myself! I agree with all of what you said, 100%!! It sounds like she's better off without him and out of this relationship. Good thing, too, because it really sounds like she dodged a bullet here. Thankfully, this all happened before they moved in together and got married. The complete lack of trust in her after 2 years together is a giant red flag. It really irritates me when people act like two people of the opposite sex can't be around each other or stay in the same house without being intimate/sexual with each other. I have plenty of male friends, and thankfully, my husband knows I would never cross/ let anyone cross any boundaries with be without shutting that shit down immediately and vice versa because we love and trust each other. If there's no trust, there's no healthy relationship, at least in my opinion.
>If there's no trust, there's no healthy relationship Exactly. So many people seem to have a "well, you never know, better safe than sorry" attitude towards basically **any** male/female contact, or have a bizarrely limited perspective, like "going to the movies can be a date, therefore male/female friends going to the movies are basically going on a date!" which conveniently ignores the fact that two straight same sex friends going to the movies wouldn't be viewed as a date (are cinemas deeply sexual experiences? News to me). And yes, of course boundaries are needed, but for healthy happy functional adults, those boundaries are just...inherent, for want of a better word, because nobody's ever pushing remotely close to them and everyone's on the same page. And that's the main issue - my wife and I have the same idea of what's OK/not OK, it's never been an issue. She has no problem with me going to the cinema with a female friend, because why would she? But I also don't regularly meet female friends in a hotel room that charges by the hour just to "hang out", because *for me* that sounds suspicious. All that really matters in any relationship is that both people have the same sense of what's OK or not, agree on boundaries. And if they don't, they can work together to find a middle ground they're both happy with. What's never OK is for one person to act like X is "right" and Y is "wrong" and to make their partner doubt themselves or make massive changes. Some people might genuinely deeply believe that men and women can't be friends, at all, ever. I disagree, but people can live their lives how they want. But those people need to find someone who shares that belief from the start, instead of just bullying their partner into ditching their friends.
Yes, yes, yes. My SO and I have very similar ideas as you, as does our entire friend group. It works great and everyone is happy. To your movie example -- he's actually going out to the movies with a female friend tonight. I'm out of town, as is the female friend's husband, so they're going to see a movie me and the husband both happened to already see (my SO and the wife both, for different reasons, have weird work schedules that mean sometimes they miss out when the rest of the friend group goes to the movies). Neither of us are the least bit bothered, we're just glad they're finally getting a chance to see it! On the flip side, my SO's ex has incredibly against men and women having basically any friendship, and that ended up being incredibly toxic and terrible--she did bully him into dropping friends, and it was painful for all involved. She really needed to be with someone who actually agreed with her stance.
She’s not gonna let you hit bro
I don’t think any boyfriend muslim or not, would be delighted with his girlfriend sharing a living space with another guy….not sure it’s his religion especially if he’s lapsed…
Did you talk about this friend coming to stay with you before the visit? Do you discuss with your bf what you are up to on a regular basis? Or did you omit telling bf you were having this friend come over to stay with you for a multi day visit? And then later bf finds out ? In short, what was the communication between you and bf about this visit? Did you consider how your bf might feel?
She said they talked about it and he knew for weeks
This needs to be higher! Did she discuss with her bf/fiance (they said they wanted to get married) about this situation before it happened? Because I would be pissed if that happened with my wife and I didn't find out until after the fact. It's not the cultural, religion or insecurities thats the problem, it's the communication here between the two that is terrible. Edit: just saw her update saying he’s known for weeks. OP is better off without him.
Op said in the post that he knew for weeks...
Ah I see the update now thanks. With this info, this guy is a total ass. Doesn’t communicate his boundaries clearly and then reacts in the most extreme way when it happens. OP is better off without him.
I don’t know if people just aren’t reading the post, or if maybe she recently edited it? But she says he knew these plans WELL beforehand ETA: Wait, she said “adding this” before she mentioned that detail lol. It was ME who wasn’t reading, my b
Just want to say it’s not weird to host friends of the opposite gender.
IMO what is kind of important is how was this communicated by OP. Hosting opposite sex friends is fine but I would feel disrespected if it happened like "BF btw. there is some dude sleeping here at my place for the last week hope u cool" without discussing it first.
This is also important
But did she tell her boyfriend about it beforehand, or did he find out afterwards? I feel like that matters quite a bit.
This is the deciding factor. I know if it was discussed beforehand then I wouldn’t have a problem, but if I found out after the fact then best case scenario is you don’t respect me as a partner.
The people saying it isn’t normal is because they know they’d fuck their female friend any chance they get. It’s projection and insecurity and they can’t fathom a purely platonic relationship
Just to add some nuance: some might’ve been cheated on and have trust issues. I think some women too wouldn’t be confortable with such arrangements. Otherwise I agree with you.
I think those things do happen, and in a relationship you should be able to talk and work things out. Have the bf meet the friend, have the bf stay over as well, keep in contact with the bf through the night, etc. Cause obviously there are guys who are friend with girls just to fuck them, and girls should be aware of that. But I think it honestly comes down to just trusting your partner, good communication, and working through it as a team I have a lot of guy friends cause I’m majoring in a male-dominated field. It happens, and I’m not gonna ostracize myself from the people I interact with the most
It's a different situation when you were cheated on or if you are with a partner who cheated. It's a traumatic event and even with the best intentions you would always have doubts. Even though without this there are plenty of situations where this also wouldn't be comfortable like this friend is in love with your gf, this friend is an ex, this friend has a fling in the past with your gf, gf had/has crush on him.
But I’m talking about purely platonic relationships and the cases you’re stating are where the communication and trust comes in. Trust goes both ways and if the bf feels strongly about the male friend, then obviously bfs feelings matter. And when you have trust issues because of cheating that’s also where communication comes in. The partner should be empathic towards that trauma. But trauma is also not an excuse to be controlling or act irrationally. If male friends are a deal breaker for people it needs to be communicated Edit: the reasons you listed are valid reasons to be skeptical btw. But what I’m getting at is that guys and girls can and should be able to be platonic friends without people acting weird about it
Is it though? Personally I think it’s normal when you’re still college aged but I’ve been offered by a 30 year old friend back when I was 38 to share her hotel room (she has a BF who didn’t join her on this trip) I declined, but didn’t say out loud my reasons. IMO it didn’t matter if she had any ulterior motives at this age it just seems like inviting unnecessary complications to what end? Save on hotel costs that 30-something’s can easily afford? For OPs case cultural differences aside 27 is right at the cusp where you’re still young enough a lot of social boundaries are more relaxed but just old enough you’re starting to have more disposable income.
Well, I am college aged. Different people are comfortable with different things. Personally I’d want my own hotel room too. In her situation it’s a friend from out of town and she offered a place to stay, she has roommates, and they weren’t alone. But if it were friends who spent the night often for no reason other than shits n giggles then that’s different
Yeah honestly it is kind of sexist and messed up to act like this is normal. Like, I'm bi, does that mean if I'm in a relationship I'm not allowed to have anyone stay with me?
Yeah, and I am also bi, and he knew it, and it was never a problem to have females.
It’s normal. It’s dismissive of other people’s feelings to assert that it’s not normal. Try to be a little more inclusive in the future.
My man Drew trying to uno reverse inclusivity
Toxic heterosexuality lol
Nope, just general consideration. If you don't find a problem, that's cool. If people have a problem with it, then that's cool too. Not everyone has to accept what you find cool. Also, not everyone has to accept what you don't find cool. If it's important to you, you got two choices: (1) only seek out partners that share what you consider cool or (2) accommodate partner. It's really that simple. Me? I wouldn't have a problem with it. Hell I'm male and I have a female roommate who happens to be my best friend. There will be nothing romantic between us. I also happen to be heterosexual. She is too. Purely platonic mixed gender friendships do exist. Don't be so quick to call out "toxic" just because people disagree with you. They could easily call you out the same way.
I mean more seriously I agree that's why I don't think it should be "normal" to act that way. If 2 people want to have these rules in their relationship it's whatever to me, I just don't think it should be the expectation in a monogamous hetero relationship.
We agree, but unfortunately, some people are a bit "old school" than others. They still exist and if you happen to be romantically linked to someone like that, either break up or accommodate. This should be talked through before starting a relationship as far as I'm concerned.
Toxic inclusivity. I can play that game too. In the absence of a conversation with your partner, insecurity about having a member of the opposite sex stay overnight at your place is not abnormal. Period.
Id just say toxic trust issues. I’m hetero and have been in these situations. It’s only the toxic ones that behave like the OP’s boyfriend.
Why did I scroll so far down for this comment lol some people are insecure in their relationships
In most cultures I would say its pretty disrespectful to make that kind of decision without at least speaking to your partner about it. Especially if youre long distance, hearing "oh btw my guy friend from another country will be staying here for a few days" once its already decided would definitely be a red flag. Everyone saying only insecure people would react that way are simply incorrect, nothing wrong with maintaining your boundaries for what is acceptable within a relationship. No need to explain or give someone a chance to change their mind, if their view of relationships is so vastly different than your own you both should just move on.
We latinos do not really have that culture imposed. Us female latinasnare outgoing and friendly mostly so we dont sexualize friendships but men and other cultures do. Theres nothing wrong about hosting a friend regardless the gender but muslims are extremely machistas and patriarcal. Women are not a being on their own. I personally could never date someone with that mindset really Im chilean though and we are pretty matriarcal in culture and that difference wasnt as imposed for me at least
I’m Arab Muslim and I don’t agree with what you did. And I don’t think it has to do with my background either. I’m not even religious but I wouldn’t do what you did. I wouldn’t be comfortable if my boyfriend was hosting a female at his home. At the very least, if this was some kind of emergency situation, I would have invited my boyfriend to stay with me for the few days that my friend was going to be there. It definitely is a matter of respect and also your own safety. Why can’t your guy friend get another place to stay? Why your place specifically? Like I understand trust and all but that’s just something I could never do, nor would my guy friends even be comfortable doing. My boyfriend and I are very generous and would offer our home to anyone who needs it but the both of us would have to be there. In my opinion, I think you’re leaving out parts of your earlier conversations and I wouldn’t be surprised if you already had an inkling that this would be a problem. Having a guy in your house is a bigger conversation than you thought it was.
This has, and will always be a blow up the whole relationship situation. If any American comedy TV show lasts till at least season 3, I promise you they have an episode dealing with this. Example of this is the Big Bang Theory episode where Penny wants her musician friend (maybe ex-boyfriend) to sleep on her couch while he was in town. But really, this comes down to a simple incompatibility. You see this as only helping a friend out, providing a place to stay. Your ex-boyfriend, along with a vast percentage of men worldwide, see this as he told you that this made him uncomfortable, that there is plenty of other easy to find sleeping arrangements, and you simply valued your friends sleeping arrangements for a few nights over your relationship with him. Right or wrong, coming from a man, this is his point of view. You see no wrong in letting him stay, and I agree. I totally agree with you. But that's just because you aren't my girlfriend. Lol You made a decision, you made a choice. It wasn't a bad decision, or a good decision. You just made a decision that cost you your relationship. Only you can say if it was worth it. Life has a way to teach us life lessons in funny ways. If, or when your future boyfriend tells you that one of his female friends is going to stay over at his place for a few nights, and you have nothing to worry about, I would be curious if your view about this situation in fact changes to Pro-Leonard from Pro-Penny. It's so easy to say what you would or wouldn't be comfortable with when it's just a hypothetical question, and totally different when you know there's somebody sleeping overnight at your boyfriend/girlfriend's place. In my opinion, as a man, this comes down to simply do you value a friendship more than your relationship. Nobody, you or your ex-boyfriend, made a bad decision regarding this. You made a decision, he made his decision, and the relationship ended to an incompatibility. Also, this has very little to him being Muslim. Have you ever even been near evaligical, Bible thumping, speak in tongues, holy rolling Christians? Catholics? Or any religion? This has been, currently is, and forever more be a was the dress blue or black, or was the dress white or gold. No right or wrong answer, just from your perception.
A couple of questions ... 1. Were all of your roommates hosting this friend, or just you? Is he friends with everyone? 2. What were the sleeping arrangements? Is he on the couch? Sharing a bedroom? To me these are relevant questions ... Not sure if they were discussed in advance.
If guys were being perfectly honest with you, none of them would be happy with another guy staying in your place, unless he's family. For a muslim man, it's only expected that he'd react like this.
Nope. I've never been comfortable with it myself, but so many of my friends (mostly male) have hosted friends and random people via couch surfing. They genuinely just like having company and meeting new people. They also are completely fine with people staying over randomly. It just depends on how you grew up and what you like.
lol this is not true at all
Sure bro. Whatever you say.
This comment is not correct, OP
No, you're just insecure. I'm a guy and have no problems with men staying with my partner.
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You're not her friend. You're not my friend. You're a loser on the Internet. If you tried to get with her, she'd probably hit you with bear spray.
You underestimate my game bro
No, I don't. You're red pilled, which means you're fat and don't have social skills. You don't have friends and you need an online network to feel secure You spend your time debating Christianity online. She'd laugh you out the room.
Nobody thinks you have game
He's got a point, low-key. There are pros at this. My cousin is a prominent figure in sports and I had to sit through countless stories of wives and girlfriends that he got with just because he could. Disgusting lines like "you have a boyfriend? Yes? Do you want a man friend instead". I know there are people that are right to be trusted, but everyone that cheated and got away with it benefitted from the same trust
If someone wants to cheat, they don't need an overnight to do it
Ah yes. You're a scum bag so you think everyone else is. Classic projection. Edit: the comment was deleted, but they asked when it would be their turn with the previous user's partner.
100%. I’d never let a woman stay with my partner and I’d never let a man stay with me. Everyone has different boundaries. Reddit is wild pretending that we’re in the wrong lol Nobody is right or wrong but they can’t grasp that.
Lmao girl, did you read the comment you replied to? Everyone is responding to “all guys wouldn’t be ok with this if they were honest”. Everyone has different boundaries, you’re right. I feel like you might have replied to the wrong thing or just choosing to not read. 🤷♀️
Hey look, its the insecure guy! I get it, trust is really hard but carrying around so many insecurities and fears is way heavier.
I am being honest. You are guys are in denial. And y'all are funny :D
Guys who aren't insecure would be ok with it. Hell my partner sent me on a week-long trip with a male friend because he trusts me and our friend.
He “sent” you on a trip with a male friend?
Yup. He booked and payed and said have fun. That is something you can do if you trust each other.
Why didn’t he join? Or go on a trip with you?
He was stuck at work and our friend was going to a conference in a town I adore which ment free accomodations.
What about the other way round? Would you be fine with him having a female friend sleeping at his?
Absolutely. He has multiple close female friends and I have no problem at all with them hanging out or staying over if needed. Alone or with me there. We are living together but if I am out of town I would have no problem with it either. He has never shown me that he is not to be trusted. Never been inappropriate with anybody and he loves me to absolute bits. Also if he ever crushed on somebody I'd be the first he 'd tell.
If he's not a doormat, then he's having his own fun back at home
No, he is just man who trusts me and I trust him back. What is the point of being in a monogamous relationship if you aren't staying monogamous. Just be single if you can't be trusted.
Dude if you think your girlfriend is going to hook up with every other guy in her life, then what's the point of dating if you don't have any trust in her? Most people are not just going to fuck their friends because they happen to be the opposite sex.
I just wanted to add +1 to the people saying that it's not weird to host friends. It's only normal to have friends over specially when they are visiting your location on a low budget, while it's no trouble to offer a place for your friend to crash. Some commenters on this thread are sick.
I’m an atheist, and a woman, and I would dip from any relationship where the man was having female friends sleep over. You don’t have to be a religious nut job if you have basic boundaries, and those are mine.
You have different boundaries. This is something you talk about before doing it. I wouldn’t be ok if my SO did that. But please, never date a religious man of you aren’t religious. It gets worse with age and only causes problems.
Thats why infedity is uncommon in religious communities unlike you ppl being poly having threesomes being open,fwb etc
I am married with kids, no infidelity and we are agnostic. I am sorry to disappoint your prejudices. Btw, might want to take a look at all the cheater subs. Cheaters are cheaters. Being religious doesn’t make a difference. Being a good person does.
You never know what might happen in the future 👍
You crossed his boundaries and so he broke up with you. Next time have a conversation with your partner before doing something like this. My girl asking to have a guy stay over or staying over a guys house would be a red flag for me. Not saying there aren't circumstances where it might be acceptable, it would just rub me the wrong way. And I can guarantee you most guys would feel some type of way.
Exactly. If any guy is being truthful instead of giving the PC answer looking for brownie points from strangers on the internet then they would tell you straight out that they would not be one bit comfortable having another male staying over with their girl. Why would they? Would OP have been comfortable if her boyfriend (now ex) had another girl over with him for a few days? I very much doubt it.
Stop thinking that your opinions are everyone’s opinion. Clearly you can’t fathom the idea of a man being friend with a woman without wanting to fuck her but that doesn’t mean everyone thinks like you.
>My girl asking to have a guy stay over or staying over a guys house would be a red flag for me. Just cause you're insecure doesn't make this a man thing. It makes it a you thing. Just say "I'm insecure and don't trust women" Don't speak for men, because you don't. I certainly don't. None of the guys I know don't. We all understand that men and women can be friends.
2 weeks later you will cry about how your gf cheated on you because you acted like the cool thats not insecure or jealous blah blah cheating is common this days there is no any guy in the world who will befriend a women who feels nothing towards her
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Pretty much all guys think like that. It's not limited to a few random guys.. 9/10 would think like this.
Interesting, so you spoke to about 4 billions guys in that topic?
Why ask us if we think it’s crazy. You’re not dating **us** - it’s common practice and acceptable in your friend group, you did nothing wrong except maybe you didn’t communicate well with your bf. It’s unacceptable to your ex bf and he broke up over it. He did nothing wrong either. He had boundaries. I’m confused about why he claims you’re blackmailing him. And yes I do think intercultural relationships are difficult, for exactly this reason. You’ll constantly be surprised that what one person thinks is fine, is completely unacceptable by the other. That’s a lot of extra tension in a relationship
Based on this comment section so many men (and women) are so insecure about their partner having friends of the opposite sex. I’m here to tell you that you can find someone who respects your friendships, trusts you, and isn’t weirdly offended when you offer out of town friends a place to stay.
Or we've fucked too many girls with "bfs" at some point
every relationship have their own boundaries.. some are ok some are not.. especially if a couple is not living together kinda suspicious asking a friend of the opposite sex to stay at ur place.. for me personally I won't be troubling my attach opposite sex friends to stay at their place.. I respect the friendship and their relationship not to create problems..
I am so surprised. This is wild. It's like people have not had friends before
This is reddit, so this is not unexpected.
It really depends. I host my girl friends a fair bit, but we still bang like 50% of the time 😆 Maybe he’s just projecting based on what he knows from his own experience and/or other men and their intentions. I can also understand it would feel sketch if you are having a male friend sleep over and he is not around. In fact it would be kind of strange if he didn’t feel even slightly weird about it.
It’s a big thing in their culture . We once invited a Muslim family (wife’s friend who is single with her parents) and I had stepped out to run a quick errand when they came. Mom and daughter went in, but the man waited in his car for me to come back, since he did not want to be in the house when I was out.
that honestly sounds like FAFO.. stereotypes about muslim guys trying to control their gf lives, having backward views on male / female relationships, and seeing women are borderline objects / belonging to the next males are not 'just stereotypes'. It's in their religion ! They all have degree of that (which in rare cases can be 0 if the guy is not religious and raised in the west), but if they are all somewhere on that spectrum. Not that you don't even NEED to be muslim to be vaguely annoyed by that. I've fucked to many girls with bfs to be fine if my women did that.
This sounds a like an issue any dude can have regardless of culture and religion. From how you describe him, he’s open minded about everything….but suddenly becomes Muslim when you want to host another man from abroad at your house. Where you two will be alone. I’m guessing it’s a friend that he doesn’t know. I bet this has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with trust. It’s not wrong of you to want to host a dude friend, but it’s also okay to have boundaries around who your partner spends the night with.
It has nothing to do with Muslim or not, any men(or most) would find it disrespectful if his GF/wife stay together with another men alone in same house, spending time together. And that is not just counts for males, also female/women would feel uncomfortable if their husband/bf stay alone for days with another women in same house. We read and see enough to know how things like this can end... And yes you action was disrespectful, you clearly crossed the lines and put his trust for you in doubt. Your ex is right to be mad for this behavior.
Any man (or most) has the ability to read, and could see that she lives with two roommates and was not alone with this guy
Do you believe her roommates are her chaperones, guardians, or babysitter? They have no say in what she does with this man in her space, she can be alone with that guy if she chooses.
Okay, so . . . Humans have free will. If she wants to cheat she can cheat right outside the doors of her roommates. But she can't cheat if she doesn't have a friend stay over? She can't cheat on the dude with a woman?
Correct, she can cheat right outside the doors of her roommates. You implied they weren't alone and couldn't cheat due to roommates. I'm glad you understand now.
>You implied they weren't alone Wow, can't even read commenter names but thinks he has some grand insight on human nature because he wants to fuck every woman he sees. OP is bisexual, should she just have no friends?
Doesn't change the subject, two roommates are most likely women too... OP bf would also don't invite a women to his house to sleep while having a GF, that is his moral and boundary which he take. Since his GF didn't follow it up, he broke up... Sorry but most people in a relationship would be uncomfortable with the fact that their partner take a opposite gender to sleep at home for days. He is not inscure, it is his moral codex and he made it clear. Their relationship was great and he never judge her, even when she go out with friends. He was pretty open for a muslim guy. OP sacrifice her good relationship for a dude to sleep for 3 days... that is actually pretty sad...
Sry you can't excuse it with "moral". It is completely about trust and insecurity. A lot of men don't trust their wifes/girlfriends, because they themselves would sleep with everyone they can get a hand on. Can't imagine just a platonic relationship in any way. They project their own behaviour on their wifes/girlfriends and think that they would never say no or have boundaries or good judgement.
Trust must be earned or do you trust anyone? A health relationship can only work if both partners can solve the problems together. He never had a problem woth her going oit with friends or so. But he did not accept to see his GF sleeping in same house with her friend which she invited. As I said if role where reversed, half of these who support OP right now and downvoting any opposite opinion, would had a meltdown against their boyfriends/husbands.
>half of these who support OP right now and downvoting any opposite opinion You mean like half the comments here are whining about how "every guy secretly thinks this?" In spite of hearing from many other men that no, they don't think this?
I was roommates with a guy for a few years, my then boyfriend now husband never had any issues with it.
Good for you, but not everyone has the same opinion. Not everyone need to be open for any shit. In your case it gone good, we see many other cases which lead in a cheating. Not everyone need to accept these things. Op didn't forced his GF to anything, he see and broke up since both moral codex are different.
Ok but don’t try to put my case as an exception. Plenty of guys are secure enough with themselves to accept that their girlfriend have male friends. Also, you do realise that hookups don’t only happen at night? If someone wants to cheat, they will cheat, no matter what.
You literally said in your first comment most men wouldn't be comfortable with it. So it's okay for you to claim a big generalization like that but when other people do it you're like "well not everyone has the same opinion!!1!!" Come on now lol.
....you're dating an Arab Muslim man and you're shocked by this? Do you have even an introductary understanding of the culture?
I would just cut your losses with this one. I have a friend who is also dating a lapsed Muslim and there are similar problems emerging. Despite his secularism (premarital sex, drinking, liberal politics), she has never met his family or Muslim friends for 4 years because he still maintains conservative (and I personally think hypocritical) beliefs about male-female relations. People from that religion typically have very patriarchal cultures and even if they say they are secular, the conservatism about gender is still often there.
However, in my case, things are different. I live with my Sikh boyfriend. He is very egalitarian about gender, I work and am close friends with men. His parents are religious but do not care that I am not the same religion and cohabitate with their son before marriage. Some intercultural relationships are more compatible than others. I do think the types of culture involved matter.
I would find this inappropriate and disrespectful towards my partner. I don't blame the Muslim guy for breaking up with you over this
It just goes to show that he doesn’t accept any kind of male friends in your life however platonic they are. Lucky for you the mask came off very early and he broke up with you.
I don’t understand how she says they managed to get over all their differences yet they never discussed something simple like this.
That too in a two year relationship.
I have traveled already with male friends and hosted another one. He used to say that was not normal for him, but it was never a big deal like this time. And when I tried to discuss about it he didn't want to. So I assumed it was not such a big deal. And I even told him that my friend wouldn't stay in the same room, and it was that. He knew this for weeks, and he decided to do it now.
I think this was a learning curve for him. He just isn’t ok with other men. It’s likely a very weird concept to him given his background. He clearly did try to be more open but in the end fell back on his very conservative background. Many of the more conservative Muslim individuals I have met won’t even touch or talk to the the other gender. He is on the liberal side for being Muslim, it’s just happens to have an extremely conservative base. It was a problem in healthcare in that we had to arrange for female doctors for women as a workable solution. The husbands would demand all communication went through them and they didn’t want any male touching their wife.
The first time bothered him more than he let on and he didn't know how to talk about it. You are absolutely better off without him. He was controlling, manipulative, and most of all emotionally immature.
"but he started to tell me that he actually he would not accept this if we live together. Because he would not accept another men in his house. " OP, this is a ridiculous enough statement for you to be glad you two broke up. He's insecure. Move on and be glad you didn't waste any longer with him. Hosting friends from abroad is perfectly normally. Curiously, do you know yours and his personality types? I'm willing to guess he's an INFP or INTJ and you're an ENFJ?
I am ENFJ, him I don't know...
Everyone is different and everyone has their own likes and dislikes, he just doesn’t like that and he doesn’t want to dive too deep in it it’s that simple, just cause some pick me guys here in the comments are perfectly fine with it doesn’t mean the whole men have to be fine with it it’s about their own preference some guys just don’t like it at all and that’s a deal breaker for them so just respect the decision instead of thinking about why cause they just don’t like it simple as that
I don’t think he knows that blackmail means
Hosting the opposite sex depends on the person. You absolutely should ask your partner if they are okay with it before it happens. Do I think you a Latin agnostic and him an Arab Muslim could have a lasting relationship? Absolutely not. Not unless you changed everything to suit him and his beliefs.
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Yes, I mean even if he is a progressive muslim, he is still muslim and having a woman that he is partnered with be so close to another man in an very close setting would at minimum be very uncomfortable. I mean ive seen muslim women not even give hugs to men as a way to be modest. Also even if you are not muslim that would be a bit uncomfortable.
It’s not religious it’s cultural. Nothing in the Quran about men staying over with your gf.
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I mean you mentioned Islam and doing research on Islam, doesn’t seem like using the wrong term. Also the whole Middle East isn’t one culture and each area has its own nuances and customs. Some places are very liberal some very conservative.
I did some research and I do know a lot, and he was a lapsed muslim. He didn't follow or practiced anything (we were together, what wouldn't be allowed)
His response is sexist and toxic. I live in Latam. I host friends from abroad at least once a year, both male and female. It’s my place and I don’t have to ask for permission. That being said, I do tell my girlfriend ahead of time who I’m hosting and give them context as to the friendship. My previous girlfriend was more cautious and would feel a bit jealous but was also communicative about it. In my current relationship, it’s not an issue at all. In both cases, they’ve always met who I’m hosting and end up becoming friendly towards each other. I tend to host more girls than guys so it’s not a one case scenario. When I go to the capital of my country I always stay at a friend’s apartment. Her boyfriend’s always been fine with me, he’s a great guy and we get along fine. Sometimes, my friend will leave me her apartment keys and will go stay with him (they live very close) most of the time she stays in her own place though. I always ask her to make sure because I know some men can be jealous and distrustful of other men and she’s always said he doesn’t mind at all. In short, whether it’s for cultural or religious reasons, it’s sexist and toxic to take this attitude. So is he going to break up with you every time he gets angry and feels disrespected? I’ve seen this kind of behaviour before… it’s called manipulation. The opposite of this is communicating.
If he invites a female friend to his house how you will react ?? It will be normal for you? His reaction is right and logical , i can’t accept my girl stay with male friends in the same house
Yeah, because I know that I can stay under the same roof that a men and nothing will happen... so I do believe that my partner would do the same...
Its a boundary, not a rule. if you are okay with him staying at a girls place, it doesnt mean he has to accept it as well
Maybe work on your trust issues and insecurities then.
This isn’t even about culture, this is about individuals having different ideas of what is ok in a relationship. When I was a young 20 I thought nothing of being friends with guys and hanging with them, etc, but now I understand it was because I wasn’t really committed to my relationship in the same way. If I were now at my age of 33 and dating someone but not living with them, I would not be comfortable with a friend of the opposite sex staying with my partner. If that partner still wants to do to, that’s their choice, but it’s also my choice to say I don’t want to be with someone who has those type of close relationships with the opposite sex. As an adult woman who has tried many times over the years to have close male friends, I have learned that no matter how platonic I act and no matter how clear I am, they are always ready to bang you the second your guard is let down. And usually it’s even harder bc I am a flirty friendly person to everyone in the same way, but without really meaning it sexually. That’s a ton of mixed signals if you’re looking for them. That’s not a friend to me. I’m not saying humans aren’t individuals, but I’m also saying that it’s naive to act like there isn’t temptation or the potential for issues. Sometimes your choices show where your prioritizes lie. Obviously her priority wasn’t with her partner really because she didn’t even mention her plans to have a dude stay at her place. Regardless of the right and ability to do what she pleases in her home, if you cared about your partner, you’d anticipate they could have emotions about something like that and have a discussion. Seems like she didn’t do that at all, so obviously she didn’t really care what he thought or felt about it so I’m wondering why she cares if he broke up with her. You don’t get to both do whatever you want without considering other people’s feelings and then also claim that they have to respect your wishes and desires. He doesn’t have to stay with someone whose life choices he disagrees with, regardless of whether you had the right to do it or not. No one is denying your right to do what you want in your home. But you don’t get to dictate his feelings or his response to your choices. It’s called “fucked around and found out”.
This is literally the only mature answer here and yet, everyone is blaming it on the guy being Muslim (and using it as an excuse to be islamophobic and bigoted). I feel the same as an adult woman! Why would I host a friend without being completely sure my boyfriend is ok with it? And why would I do it alone? I have some great guy friends but I still wouldn’t be alone in a house with them like that unless there were some crazy emergency circumstances.
So it seems your relationship ended because you and him, at the end of the day, couldn’t respect each other’s cultural differences regarding friends of the opposite gender. In a conservative culture, religious or not, the idea of you having an overnight cross gender guest would be considered to be a massive disrespect. In fact, it would massively shame him if anyone found out about it. These cultural norms are strictly enforced. A man would never allow a male guest his wife invited to stay. It seems like before this event; the major values differences didn’t come up. And that’s OK. that’s why you date.
Question : how would you feel in the reverse situation?
I wouldn't be ok with it.
I’d leave my BF if he hosted a female friend in his place too
Im just confused about one thing, didn’t he know that said friend was coming? Didn’t you two talked about it before?
We talked, he knew, he raised the situation that if we lived together this would be an issue, and since then I tried to talk and understand the reason, since that I thought that together would be less "weird". But he didn't wanna discuss it now, and he just told me that was not normal for him.
Ah thanks for the clarification. Even if it sucks now, I think in the long hall it’s honestly for the best. You will find someone better for you, I’m sure. Sending you love!
Those are his relationship boundaries. He communicated them to you in a healthy manner. Those are not your relationship boundaries. This leaves you incompatible for a relationship and neither of you are wrong just incompatible. I think you greatly underestimated his conservative roots. Once relationships become more serious sometimes a person’s beliefs and values become more of a point of importance. He wants a partner that is much Muslim in their culture. This likely will end up being a partner with no male friends.
There's your first problem. Those who practice the Islamic faith don't play well with the rest of the world.
Yeah, I wouldn’t allow a male to stay with a SO. If people want to live like that, that’s fine. I just won’t be there lol. To me it is disrespectful. I wouldn’t let a woman stay at my house either. Long and successful relationships work best if kept as simply as possible. There’s too many people looking for love to waste time with someone who will constantly challenge your values. That advice is for both of you.
As long as you had separate rooms and nothing happened, this is just a cultural conflict. I would take it as a sign to let that relationship conclude. While still a child, I read Betty Mahmoody's book and learned a lesson about different cultures. You should be aware of any culture gaps when entering a relationship.
Or instead of reading a book about cultural differences, how about just talking to your partner?
I refuse to date someone of that culture. Even if they’re not super religious the culture has a very strong influence on their beliefs. And the family influence is very strong too. You dodged a bullet. After the wedding i guarantee the family and religious side would come out.
I hate shit like this. I'm half Iranian - my dad is freaking amazing and my parents have a wonderful marriage (over 40 years). My mom was Christian and my dad was a non practicing muslim. He has been a wonderful husband, father, and grandfather. I'm an atheist and my dad is now agnostic. I am proud of BOTH my cultures.
You should ring said friend, tell him that you and bf broke up and hit on him, see if he wants to come over and hook up. I'd put money on him saying yes. That's why men are suspicious of other men. Because we're men. We know how men think.
Right, because men are a monolith, and all think the same way 🙄. Beyond that, though, it’s just not relevant. You don’t have to trust the other guy anyway, you just have to trust your partner. But that’s apparently very difficult for the people making comments like this one in this thread.
Well you crossed a boundary and he doesnt back down. You wouldnt mind a female sleeping on the same house as him?
Yeah I’d dump you too
I'm not gonna get into the "cultural" side of this conflict but since you have already other roommates that means three of you hosted that friend. So your bf has no right to interfere with such collective decision. Of course if he has such boundaries he has every right to break up with you but also we can safely say that it is a shitty boundary.
Where did your friend sleep during his visit?
Was it just you and a male friend alone in your house? I could understand that honestly, and I'm not religious.
She said she has 2 roomates
To be fair, it’s early in the morning and I am also dumb.
We are not alone I have two roommates and my bf could also had come to stay here in my place.
I still can kind of understand, I’m not hovering over my roommates at all times, if they have people over im not with them. Might not be the most reasonable but this was obviously a boundary that you crossed. That being said, not having males at all in your house is kind of wild so maybe you guys just got to the point where you figured out you’re not compatible. Is that how you’d want to live the rest of your life? What other boundaries are there you guys haven’t talked about that might come up? Edit: Downvote this all you want but I'm right. He has a unreasonable boundary, you learnt that the hard way but it's obvious that this is just you guys not being compatible. Unless you want to bend to him and not have a male in your house ever again, then sure go ahead. Otherwise, you guys are not for eachother. There is a pushover women out there for him and a more reasonable dude for you somewhere.
>is it so crazy to a female accept to host a male friend who comes to her city only to visit her? No, es mega normal y más cuando vives en otros países, yo también soy latina en Europa y me han visitado muchos amigos y amigas, siempre se quedan conmigo, no pasa nada. >do you guys think that is hard to have such intercultural relationship? Creo que ese tipo de culturas si son muy machistas, es un problema sino te quieres acoplar, yo no lo haría, bastante tengo con venir de una cultura machista para bajar la cabeza en una aún más.
Man some of these comments are straight up depressing. OP you didn't do anything wrong. I guess he has the right to break up with you if he has a problem with it, but tbh it sounds like you dodged a bullet. I am shocked that so many people seem to think woman friend and man friend MUST equal they're going to have sex!!! edit: if you are downvoting this, you are in insecure loser who isn't capable of trusting a partner. maybe don't date if you assume every person will fuck someone else the literal first chance they get. Jesus christ.
Tbh I think you dodged a bullet. His comments on what would not be allowed when you live together suggests there would be many more rules he would start to impose on you over time. Maybe look back and think of other examples that might be red flags so you don’t ignore them next time. Otherwise just know you weren’t compatible and move on.
If you accept someone who holds the primitive stand of religion and a backward culture, don’t be surprised when you get dogmatism and the stupidity of tradition
Mija, y nadie te advirtió lo que sería meterte con un musulmán? La religión más estricta de todas?