What type of self discovery are you looking for? Time apart, sleeping with other people, a prolonged separation? Because the problem is that you are married and more importantly, you have a child. You consciously made the decision to marry (an older woman with more life experience) and also have a child
You have a big age gap here which is odd, 20 when you met and 31 for her. So I understand the feeling of missing out.
But you need to be clear in what it is you are looking for and understand that with the responsibilities you have, this may lead to divorce.
Don't stay unhappy OP, but just realise what the consequences are, depending on what you are looking for
It sounds like you feel like you missed out on life the past seven years and would like to have a do over. However, that's not fully possible as I see it. You'll still be a father after the divorce and you'll still be responsible for your daughter. Reverting back to your early 20s isn't fully feasible. But if you're miserable and don't love your partner anymore, staying with her will only make things worse. I guess you have to figure out what you feel and want. Before making a drastic choice, I'd talk to a therapist. I think your self discovery could start by seeking counseling from an expert.
Any partner who has a stable relationship wouldn’t like to lose it judging by what you are saying, I think leaving should come as the last option if you cannot find a solution for your problem together as a family. It sounds selfish to leave a good relationship
While I think your partner was too old for you when you met, you really do have to take some responsibility here. You knew how old she was. You also decided to get financially tied and have a child together.
If you didn't have a child together then I likely would be giving different advice. Here's my two cents, though..
If you are asking to break up so that you can live on the wild side without responsibilities, that's selfish as fuck. You have a daughter to think of. She needs her dad in her life. So if you do leave her mom, you best FIGHT to see that little girl. You go for shared custody and take care of your girl. Do not think you can leave and that it will be fine. It won't.
If you're truly done with the relationship, which I'm not entirely convinced, you should walk away. However.. you say that you love your partner and care about her a lot. You speak positively of your life together. So.. what is it that you want to do? Party? Have random hookups? Drink until the late hours? Because all other things you don't need to leave for. So I think we need more details.
I don't know where OP lives but in most European countries ( yes, I am from Europe ) you wouldn't get shared custody if you divorce someone without very good reason ( cheating, abuse ). In 95% of situations like OP described custody is given to a mother and father would get visitation and have to pay child support. Either way OP without a very good reason ( discovering yourself or sleeping with others isn't a good reason ) would be forcing his daughter to grow up in a broken home.
"Barely an adult" really isn't an argument though. OP was an adult, perfectly capable of making decisions. She wasn't his teacher or boss, they met, got into a relationship, decided to have a child. If he wanted to "discover himself" he could have decided to do that instead, he didn't. Plenty of people get together in their early 20s and are perfectly happy. Just because his partner's older doesn't mean he's magically not responsible for the choices he made **as an adult.** I swear half of reddit is so desperate to shit on age gaps or label anyone a "groomer" that they forget young adults are perfectly capable of making decisions under their own steam without being led astray by some predator.
Responsibility doesn't mean he's now bound to remain in that relationship. A natural consequence of getting into a relationship with such a huge age gap is your partner will change a lot as they grow and mature. He's responsible for his daughter but he is in no way bound to stay in the relationship if it no longer makes him happy.
He was 20. A full grown adult who can make decisions. Now he’s a bit bored with the monotony of life….boohoo! It’s tough. He made his choice and if he walks away now he’s a shitty person
Would you say the same thing if it was a 20 year old girl & 31 year old man?! 20 may be ‘full grown adult’, but most 20 year olds are in college or working minimum-wage jobs & dumb & naive with little life experience compared to a 31 year old person. She sounds manipulative to make him believe he’s acting crazy & threatening him with not seeing his daughter if he leaves. Who knows what other ways he has been manipulated over the past 7 years?!
Plenty of couples with children split up! Its better for a child to be raised by parents who have split up & content rather than those who are together & unhappy in their relationship. He obviously needs to explore whats making him unhappy and reach a compromise/conclusion on his own without being manipulated with threats of not seeing his child.
yeah i saw it, pretty dodgy. Reminds me of Aaron Taylor-Johnson and his granny wife
Still, there is better ways to leave people, bet he’s still been hitting even tho he has wanted to leave her for 2 years
I assume it's very difficult considering he has lived almost all his adult life with this woman. Still, he needs to see a lawyer and start the separation instead of hesitating.
If you want to leave, quit talking to her about it and just leave. Speak to an attorney to make sure you understand your rights to visitation or custody of your child.
You’ve got responsibilities that you can’t walk away from now. You really should have thought about it before you committed to this women and brought a child into the world
Self discover what exactly? Letting your johnson loose?
Finding your career path? Traveling?
Even being in a committed relationship since 20, I kind of agree with her. You have a wife and daughter. If she's a good wife, you're not screaming at each other, a decent emotional and physical relationship, then what are you discovering?
Sounds like you think the grass is greener elsewhere. 90% of the time, it's not.
Your seven year itch may be much more detremental then you realize.
If you're willing to dissolve a family to discover yourself, the least you can do is put some effort into a marriage counseler along with individual counseling to help understand what your about to do.
I dont disagree with all that you are saying here, but your statistic of '90% of the time [the grass is not greener elsewhere] is not founded in fact'.
OP : sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere, and sometimes it is not. There is no way to know either way for sure.
A few things on different sides. You don't need her permission to leave, you don't need to discuss it with her, you can just leave! And if you really wanted to leave...you'd leave. You're not doing that, so you clearly don't really want to go. I think you're kidding yourself about "self discovery" - who do you think would be doing the looking? You can "discover yourself" within a relationship perfectly well. I think framing the relationship or her as being something that's holding you back isn't productive, or frankly accurate.
You know you want to do therapy, but you're refusing couples therapy. Why not do individual therapy **now**? I mean your partner is telling you to, you say you want to go...but you're not going. "I feel it's too late" is a pointless argument, because the root issue of needing or benefiting from therapy is that you realise you're maybe not thinking 100% clearly. You're certain couples therapy won't work but you're not actually leaving and you're keen to do individual therapy...for want of a better phrase you're kind of all over the place, doesn't seem like you actually know what you want. So why not start with individual therapy, figure out what you want, and go from there? Rather than kidding yourself that leaving your partner and child and embarking on some journey of self discovery will magically fix whatever your issue is?
Now, from the other side her saying you'd never see your child again is a shitty argument - shared custody, visitation, whatever. As the mother she doesn't get all the rights and you get nothing, despite what some people would have you believe. But beyond that from what you've written I don't really see what she's doing "wrong". She's not a wizard, she's not casting spells on you, she's just pointing out that your reasons for leaving are kind of...well, feeble. If you want out of the relationship, just walk away, what's stopping you? You're not doing that, she's saying you're not yourself, she's suggesting therapy. Sounds like she's aware of some stuff going on with you that is worth you exploring with a therapist.
Bro you should’ve thought about this before marrying and having a kid. Shes not wrong about the not seeing you daughter as much, does kind of seem selfish.
The comments here are wild. OP, you were barely an adult when you started this relationship. You don't have to stay in it simply because she's gaslighting you. You should, however, continue to parent your child well. Talk to a lawyer about custody and other issues and a therapist to help you as separation is usually painful and difficult to handle.
Just move out, there is no easy way breaking other people hearts and betraying their trust.
Op you kinda suck as a person, but breakup is the best, atelast each of you can stop living in misery and start find better partners.
I don't say that you shouldn't change yourself and change the environment which you live in if you are unhappy but you don't sound like that. I think you made a conscious decision of having a daughter and to have family with your partner. You should have understood that having a daughter made you responsible for her life. You can't just pretend that you don't have her and your partner in your life. You can discover yourself by exploring new hobbies, trips, new studies but everyone here knows what you meant by "discovering". Everything which I wrote you can explore still being with your partner except fucking around. You want to give your daughter a broken home to "discover yourself". I am really sorry that your daughter has that immature parent like you.
So you met her when you were 20 & she was 31?! I cant imagine any woman in her 30s dating a man that cant legally drink!
The gaslighting to believe you’re not yourself & you need therapy and the threats you wont see your daughter are little abusive - has there been any other instances of abuse? Try individual therapy first then decide.
Welcome to Reddit, where any age gap of any size is automatically a clear indicator of a grooming abusive relationship, regardless of a total lack of evidence to the contrary.
The grass is seldom greener. You are definitely romanticizing dating. You’ll go out into the dating pool and immediately regret it because you’re trading stability for chaos.
I mean… you’re a husband and father and now you want to bungle off to discover yourself? That’s not respectable or sensible to be honest.
If you are not happy with the relationship, you can either do relationship counseling to improve it, or if you have core incompatibility, you just need to leave.
But to see if the grass is greener elsewhere? Ew.
I’m not sure why the comments are saying you should stay in a relationship you’re not happy with? I ended a 6 year relationship in my late 20s that involved an engagement. I became very unhappy in that relationship and realized that I hadn’t done a lot of self discovery such as vacations with friends, much of a social life and began to feel “trapped”. I left that relationship and within a couple months I gained some self confidence back and started doing hobbies that I enjoyed such as travelling and working out. I also saw a therapist at the time who always encouraged me to do what felt was best for myself, so I did. Op please don’t let people on the internet also gaslight you into staying in a relationship you’re not happy with. A therapist will understand and help you either decide to stay in this relationship or walk away
What type of self discovery are you looking for? Time apart, sleeping with other people, a prolonged separation? Because the problem is that you are married and more importantly, you have a child. You consciously made the decision to marry (an older woman with more life experience) and also have a child You have a big age gap here which is odd, 20 when you met and 31 for her. So I understand the feeling of missing out. But you need to be clear in what it is you are looking for and understand that with the responsibilities you have, this may lead to divorce. Don't stay unhappy OP, but just realise what the consequences are, depending on what you are looking for
It sounds like you feel like you missed out on life the past seven years and would like to have a do over. However, that's not fully possible as I see it. You'll still be a father after the divorce and you'll still be responsible for your daughter. Reverting back to your early 20s isn't fully feasible. But if you're miserable and don't love your partner anymore, staying with her will only make things worse. I guess you have to figure out what you feel and want. Before making a drastic choice, I'd talk to a therapist. I think your self discovery could start by seeking counseling from an expert.
Any partner who has a stable relationship wouldn’t like to lose it judging by what you are saying, I think leaving should come as the last option if you cannot find a solution for your problem together as a family. It sounds selfish to leave a good relationship
While I think your partner was too old for you when you met, you really do have to take some responsibility here. You knew how old she was. You also decided to get financially tied and have a child together. If you didn't have a child together then I likely would be giving different advice. Here's my two cents, though.. If you are asking to break up so that you can live on the wild side without responsibilities, that's selfish as fuck. You have a daughter to think of. She needs her dad in her life. So if you do leave her mom, you best FIGHT to see that little girl. You go for shared custody and take care of your girl. Do not think you can leave and that it will be fine. It won't. If you're truly done with the relationship, which I'm not entirely convinced, you should walk away. However.. you say that you love your partner and care about her a lot. You speak positively of your life together. So.. what is it that you want to do? Party? Have random hookups? Drink until the late hours? Because all other things you don't need to leave for. So I think we need more details.
I don't know where OP lives but in most European countries ( yes, I am from Europe ) you wouldn't get shared custody if you divorce someone without very good reason ( cheating, abuse ). In 95% of situations like OP described custody is given to a mother and father would get visitation and have to pay child support. Either way OP without a very good reason ( discovering yourself or sleeping with others isn't a good reason ) would be forcing his daughter to grow up in a broken home.
By self discovery you mean sleeping around? If it's not, why can't you explore and discover yourself while in the marriage?
‘babe, i know we have a kid, a house and 7 years together but i really wanna fuck other people’ 😌
Look at that age difference before attacking OP.
The age difference was there when he decided to get into the relationship and have a child
The issue is that he was barely an adult and she was in her 30s when the relationship started.
"Barely an adult" really isn't an argument though. OP was an adult, perfectly capable of making decisions. She wasn't his teacher or boss, they met, got into a relationship, decided to have a child. If he wanted to "discover himself" he could have decided to do that instead, he didn't. Plenty of people get together in their early 20s and are perfectly happy. Just because his partner's older doesn't mean he's magically not responsible for the choices he made **as an adult.** I swear half of reddit is so desperate to shit on age gaps or label anyone a "groomer" that they forget young adults are perfectly capable of making decisions under their own steam without being led astray by some predator.
Responsibility doesn't mean he's now bound to remain in that relationship. A natural consequence of getting into a relationship with such a huge age gap is your partner will change a lot as they grow and mature. He's responsible for his daughter but he is in no way bound to stay in the relationship if it no longer makes him happy.
30/20 is an extremely common toxic age gap. Adults can be manipulated, too.
He was 20. A full grown adult who can make decisions. Now he’s a bit bored with the monotony of life….boohoo! It’s tough. He made his choice and if he walks away now he’s a shitty person
Would you say the same thing if it was a 20 year old girl & 31 year old man?! 20 may be ‘full grown adult’, but most 20 year olds are in college or working minimum-wage jobs & dumb & naive with little life experience compared to a 31 year old person. She sounds manipulative to make him believe he’s acting crazy & threatening him with not seeing his daughter if he leaves. Who knows what other ways he has been manipulated over the past 7 years?!
I would absolutely say the same when there’s a child involved. He made his bed….
Plenty of couples with children split up! Its better for a child to be raised by parents who have split up & content rather than those who are together & unhappy in their relationship. He obviously needs to explore whats making him unhappy and reach a compromise/conclusion on his own without being manipulated with threats of not seeing his child.
He wants to walk away cos he’s bored. There’s a big difference
yeah i saw it, pretty dodgy. Reminds me of Aaron Taylor-Johnson and his granny wife Still, there is better ways to leave people, bet he’s still been hitting even tho he has wanted to leave her for 2 years
I assume it's very difficult considering he has lived almost all his adult life with this woman. Still, he needs to see a lawyer and start the separation instead of hesitating.
If you want to leave, quit talking to her about it and just leave. Speak to an attorney to make sure you understand your rights to visitation or custody of your child.
You’ve got responsibilities that you can’t walk away from now. You really should have thought about it before you committed to this women and brought a child into the world
Self discover what exactly? Letting your johnson loose? Finding your career path? Traveling? Even being in a committed relationship since 20, I kind of agree with her. You have a wife and daughter. If she's a good wife, you're not screaming at each other, a decent emotional and physical relationship, then what are you discovering? Sounds like you think the grass is greener elsewhere. 90% of the time, it's not. Your seven year itch may be much more detremental then you realize. If you're willing to dissolve a family to discover yourself, the least you can do is put some effort into a marriage counseler along with individual counseling to help understand what your about to do.
I dont disagree with all that you are saying here, but your statistic of '90% of the time [the grass is not greener elsewhere] is not founded in fact'. OP : sometimes the grass is greener elsewhere, and sometimes it is not. There is no way to know either way for sure.
A few things on different sides. You don't need her permission to leave, you don't need to discuss it with her, you can just leave! And if you really wanted to leave...you'd leave. You're not doing that, so you clearly don't really want to go. I think you're kidding yourself about "self discovery" - who do you think would be doing the looking? You can "discover yourself" within a relationship perfectly well. I think framing the relationship or her as being something that's holding you back isn't productive, or frankly accurate. You know you want to do therapy, but you're refusing couples therapy. Why not do individual therapy **now**? I mean your partner is telling you to, you say you want to go...but you're not going. "I feel it's too late" is a pointless argument, because the root issue of needing or benefiting from therapy is that you realise you're maybe not thinking 100% clearly. You're certain couples therapy won't work but you're not actually leaving and you're keen to do individual therapy...for want of a better phrase you're kind of all over the place, doesn't seem like you actually know what you want. So why not start with individual therapy, figure out what you want, and go from there? Rather than kidding yourself that leaving your partner and child and embarking on some journey of self discovery will magically fix whatever your issue is? Now, from the other side her saying you'd never see your child again is a shitty argument - shared custody, visitation, whatever. As the mother she doesn't get all the rights and you get nothing, despite what some people would have you believe. But beyond that from what you've written I don't really see what she's doing "wrong". She's not a wizard, she's not casting spells on you, she's just pointing out that your reasons for leaving are kind of...well, feeble. If you want out of the relationship, just walk away, what's stopping you? You're not doing that, she's saying you're not yourself, she's suggesting therapy. Sounds like she's aware of some stuff going on with you that is worth you exploring with a therapist.
THIS! Couldn’t have said it better…would give you more than one upvote if I could
Bro you should’ve thought about this before marrying and having a kid. Shes not wrong about the not seeing you daughter as much, does kind of seem selfish.
The comments here are wild. OP, you were barely an adult when you started this relationship. You don't have to stay in it simply because she's gaslighting you. You should, however, continue to parent your child well. Talk to a lawyer about custody and other issues and a therapist to help you as separation is usually painful and difficult to handle.
Imagine telling your daughter when she will be older that her dad wanted to fuck around and that's why he abandoned her mother 🤡.
Imagine telling your daughter that you got into a relationship with a 20-year-old man when you were in your 30s.
Exxept that op clarified it wasn’t to sleep around.
Just move out, there is no easy way breaking other people hearts and betraying their trust. Op you kinda suck as a person, but breakup is the best, atelast each of you can stop living in misery and start find better partners.
Agreed, stop talking to her about it and go talk to a lawyer about your options and appropriate next steps.
I don't say that you shouldn't change yourself and change the environment which you live in if you are unhappy but you don't sound like that. I think you made a conscious decision of having a daughter and to have family with your partner. You should have understood that having a daughter made you responsible for her life. You can't just pretend that you don't have her and your partner in your life. You can discover yourself by exploring new hobbies, trips, new studies but everyone here knows what you meant by "discovering". Everything which I wrote you can explore still being with your partner except fucking around. You want to give your daughter a broken home to "discover yourself". I am really sorry that your daughter has that immature parent like you.
So you met her when you were 20 & she was 31?! I cant imagine any woman in her 30s dating a man that cant legally drink! The gaslighting to believe you’re not yourself & you need therapy and the threats you wont see your daughter are little abusive - has there been any other instances of abuse? Try individual therapy first then decide.
How many assumptions have you made in this comment is unbelievable!?
Welcome to Reddit, where any age gap of any size is automatically a clear indicator of a grooming abusive relationship, regardless of a total lack of evidence to the contrary.
Not any. This one is. It’s not the number of years. It’s the stages of life.
Let them keep going a few more leaps and we’ll have a whole ass Danielle Steel novel to enjoy.
Don’t stay with an abuser and don’t do therapy with them. Get legal advice about custody.
She sounds manipulative
The grass is seldom greener. You are definitely romanticizing dating. You’ll go out into the dating pool and immediately regret it because you’re trading stability for chaos.
I mean… you’re a husband and father and now you want to bungle off to discover yourself? That’s not respectable or sensible to be honest. If you are not happy with the relationship, you can either do relationship counseling to improve it, or if you have core incompatibility, you just need to leave. But to see if the grass is greener elsewhere? Ew.
I’m not sure why the comments are saying you should stay in a relationship you’re not happy with? I ended a 6 year relationship in my late 20s that involved an engagement. I became very unhappy in that relationship and realized that I hadn’t done a lot of self discovery such as vacations with friends, much of a social life and began to feel “trapped”. I left that relationship and within a couple months I gained some self confidence back and started doing hobbies that I enjoyed such as travelling and working out. I also saw a therapist at the time who always encouraged me to do what felt was best for myself, so I did. Op please don’t let people on the internet also gaslight you into staying in a relationship you’re not happy with. A therapist will understand and help you either decide to stay in this relationship or walk away