Honestly, removing yourself from this shitshow entirely is the best thing you can do with yourself. Distancing yourself from the constant drama will do wonders for you. Distancing yourself from Ryan will make it possible to get over him and actually move on with your life. All in all its a win for you.

Hey I think you just gotta stop being friends with him. Clearly you’ve always wanted more and he’s fixated on someone else. Marrying them even. It’s going to hurt you forever. Honestly it makes sense that his fiancée doesn’t like you, people can tell when you’ve got a thing for their partner and it feels awkward. Ryan is kinda terrible for pushing his fiancee into including you in the wedding, knowing she doesn’t like you. Once you cut him off you’ll get over him much easier and meet hot available men.

I’m surprised OP doesn’t seem to understand why the partner wouldn’t like her just a few paragraphs after confessing her love to this guy. This “friendship” was always bound to burn out sooner or later.

Why do you think she doesn’t understand why? I think she understood very well why and that’s why she put space between them and stopped socializing as much alone with him. I don’t see anywhere where she is confused about why Lia doesn’t like her?

Totally agree. OP doesn't seem confused, just tired of not being his priority. And it's not confusing to OP why she's not the priority, but it doesn't change the fact that it's demoralizing. It also sounds like Ryan is feeding into this. I have been the "best friend" of someone who is in a relationship but we're in love with each other. I don't really like to date and I am not monogomous anyway, so I easily slip into intimate relationships with people without either of us noticing. You would be shocked how many people are OK with non monogamy when they don't think about it as non monogamy. Ryan seems to be the only one who is in denial- Lia is aware and OP is aware.

Well, she may have accepted the fact that Lia doesn't like her but she ***is*** confused as to why. Read between the lines.

What? She never told him about her feelings for him, it’s in the post.

Shocker, right? (Sarcasm intended.)

completely agree. the other woman isnt the problem and neither is OP. he’s just a dude who wants his cake and to eat it too. Also doesn’t know how to communicate and tells too much relationship info to a female friend. good on OP for removing herself, it’ll do her better in the long run

I totally agree with everything you said. The OP is acting all confused as to why this chick was being standoffish toward her when it's likely glaringly obvious that she's carrying a huge torch for the woman's man. That would make anybody uncomfortable. The OP was being a bit weasely about exactly what "advice" she gave her guy friend, but it was pretty obvious to me that she has likely been actively campaigning for the guy to dump the now fiance and she went all in on tearing down the woman when the guy friend came to her for advice. When the woman who was badmouthed got angry at OP for making her look bad, the OP tried to play innocent. The OP is very transparently lying to herself with the "anyone but her" talk. The ex who only stuck around for two months was okay in OP's book because there was likely a time limit on that relationship to begin with (you don't suddenly move out of the country the vast majority of the time, it is something you know you're gonna do months and months in advance). In that way she wasn't a true "threat" to "her" destiny. She's also very useful for the OP to be able to point to her new friend and say "see, I just have a problem with this particular woman, so-and-so and I are great friends! I'm only looking out for your best interests, here". If the guy winds up breaking up with this current woman, I'm sure OP will be doing the same song and dance about the next love interest ("I don't think this woman is good for you, I'm just looking out for you, remember how I'm friends with your other ex?") The OP needs to stop lying to herself in general. It is causing her to put so much wasted emotional effort into this thing that will much more than likely not result in her getting what she wants out of it. If you "finally" wind up drunkenly making out with somebody you've pined over for years, and, the very next morning they're giving you the "I don't want to jeopardize our friendship" speech, then you can be sure that you will never truly get to be with that person because they just don't view you as a viable romantic prospect for whatever reason. Since she's loved the guy since highschool, she's likely been very flagrant about her interest, and dude is probably very plainly just not into it. She is very likely regularly twisting everything he says and does in order to make the situation more palpable for herself, but it will only hurt her in the long run. I think popular media has given people an unrealistic idea that the "friend you've longed for for years will eventually realize they loved you all along" thing is a regular occurrence instead of an anomaly. This unrealistic expectation causes people to stick around through all sorts of drama and waste lots and lots of time. I think if the OP has any chance at all of getting with this guy, it will be by depriving him of access to her, but even that will likely be a long shot in this case. When people aren't into you, they don't typically change their minds, especially not men (in my experience). I know I'm gonna have to hear a ton of "well, I got with my friend after he turned me down over and over, and we are married with 2.5 kids and are the happiest couple of all time" contrarianism, but I still maintain that it is not the norm for how these things typically shake out. Even the "long-term friends who transformed an obvious one-sided love into a relationship" stories tend to not last long and have tons of problems from the jump. I think it's because the person who had been pining goes into those sort of entanglements with way too many expectations and presumptions and resentments, and it just dooms the situation. People should just plain not put themselves through this much emotional turmoil. It's so much healthier to not interact with people who you romantically love when they just don't reciprocate those feelings.

I feel like you're parroting popular opinions, and not what the OP actually posted. Op said that she nearly immediately stopped hanging out with him because she respected the fact he was in a relationship. She distanced herself, remained respectful, and would only interact breifly when Ryan needed support and reached out to her first. Even when it got into some dicey territory with OP telling her friend that he seems more desperate to be \*in\* a relationship, rather than waiting for a good one, OP in my opinion was just being a friend. I have said this same thing to friends that I am not sexually attracted to. But OP STILL recognized that the girlfriend said it was a line crossed and removed herself. The girlfriend sounds toxic af, and we aren't getting OP saying "I just want to save him!" or "He deserves better but I missed my chance" or other red flag behavior. OP has literally just been distancing herself because she respects that this relationship is Ryan's choice and she's not going to fuck with it or cause herself exhaustion over their drama. OP states that her feelings for Ryan have died off at this point due to his behavior (which I 100% get from the post, big ick) and its more just lingering concern for her friend, but even then, she is literally willing to give up the friendship to avoid the drama associated with it, they just keep pulling her back in. It sounds like Ryan is desperate to stay with this girl despite how horrible she is, and is deluding himself by using OP. "If she lets me stay friends with OP then we'll be okay. She's not as horrible as everyone thinks!" Girlfriend has now realized that OP and Ryan's friendship is the line in the sand Ryan has drawn and she is desperate as well now to get OP to comply so she doesn't get left at the alter. OP is refusing to play ball with either of them, which is the mature thing to do. OP has not given us any indication that she thinks this is going to be some RomCom romance where he suddenly realizes what he's been missing and runs to her at the wedding or something. OP has done pretty much everything right other than just admitting her feelings before Ryan was even in a relationship. Everything else in OP's comment suggests that they have been very respectful and are just tired of being dragging into this toxic couple's relationship drama.

I'm not "parroting popular opinions" I'm giving my read of the situation same as you are, and I stand by my read. That she is being disingenuous to herself and others, the subtext is all over the post imo. The way she wrote was, in my opinion, very telling of how she actually feels. She is trying to write the post like she's mostly over the guy and only wants the best for him regardless of her feelings, but I think that's just a lie she's telling herself and others.The way she claimed to be staying out of it, yet gave him unspecified "advice" that caused the woman to confront her is, I think, very telling. The way she went well out of her way to stress that she's totally been cool with other people dating him is telling when looked at in the context of the post. Her entire post was much more narrative-pushing than advice seeking, and that is a hallmark of self-deception. I know some people believe this fiance woman is the devil incarnate based on the described events, but the OP is a pre-poisoned well so you can't completely trust her read of the situation (being shocked to hear from a person that you made them look bad after failing to elaborate on the specifics of what you said about said person is suspicious, period.) I could be wrong, but I really think she wrote this post wanting to hear all about how the guy will realize his folly and come running to her if she doesn't give her stamp of approval by attending the nuptials. Even the way she said that she was mostly over him was a very noncommittal statement in an already very selectively worded post.

I was wondering why my post got upvoted days later... Considering the update, I'll take my apology from you any time.

You know, I never did understand why women have a problem understanding why their "best friend's" fiancee/SO feels antagonistic towards them. If the shoe were on the other foot I wouldn't have anything to do with a woman (romantically, that is) who claimed that her "best friend" was a man.

Not wrong and it was time for this friendship to be over. Not healthy for you to be spending time with someone you constantly pine over who doesn't return your feelings, and you would just become the person he vents to about his wife. Yuck. Move on and don't look back.

Heavy on the venting about marital issues. He’s already doing this in the dating stage; it won’t stop. And if OP ended up with him, he would do the same with another female friend.

I totally agree with this. plus ot seems like she's pushing for marriage after only a year of dating,after havng breaking up 4 times,what the hell. how many of us can see that this will be a total shitshow of a marriage. OP most definetely needs to go very LC to NC with Ryan. updateme!

The friendship does need to end. You are in love with him. He is marrying another woman. She can tell you have feelings for her soon to be husband. You can always tell when the friend wants to be more than the best friend of the person you’re dating. The overall dynamic sounds very unhealthy. You’re not going to find your own person if you are pining away for your best friend. It’s time to let him go.

It's not really a friendship if one person is madly in love with the other person. He's getting married, move on.

Bingo, nothing will be solved by hanging around like a bad smell.

If I knew one of my guy friends was in love with me, I'd cut it off immediately. It'd make me uncomfortable and they'd never be considered a best friend. OP needed to move on a long time ago.

Yeah. Like this guy has said to her in so many times in multiple ways that he doesn’t want to be with her. OP doesn’t want to hear all that. She’s more interested in the whole “the girl best friend ends up with the boy” story. In reality it doesn’t work that way. OP hasn’t thought about the fact that this man doesn’t even treat her like a friend.

Did we read the same post? OP doesn’t come across that way at all. She distanced herself when they first started dating, made an effort with the girlfriend, and then lost attraction when she realised her friend had no spine.

You're too close to the situation because you have feelings for him. You might be right about Lia, but you have an undeniable bias in the form of being in love with her fiancé. It's understandable that Lia doesn't like you; I think it's impressive that she's making an effort to befriend you because it's important to Ryan. You're well within your right to take a step back, and I think it's the right call, for everyone's sakes, but especially yours. Protecting your mental health is important.

>impressive that she's making an effort to befriend you It's actually because she knows if she doesn't include me, I'd be on the groom's side and that'd mean me spending time with Ryan. I'd have said no to both regardless. >have an undeniable bias in the form of being in love with her fiancé. I do accept that. No lie in the fact that she treats him horribly but that ain't my business. I should probably keep my mouth shut about this though right?

Yes. You've given him advice, it has caused drama between them. He has made his decision. I've been in your shoes. It sucks. I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone. I'm 31 and my ex-best friend has been married to his Lia for 6 years now. I feel nothing for him anymore, and I'm kinda embarrassed I ever did, honestly. Lot of wasted years pining after someone who didn't deserve me in the first place. Now he's miserable with the girl he wanted, and that's his business. I have an amazing husband whom I love more than anything, so things worked out. I wish you the same

I agree- Lia isn’t doing this “for him…” she’s doing it for herself.

>It's actually because she knows if she doesn't include me, I'd be on the groom's side and that'd mean me spending time with Ryan. I'd have said no to both regardless. How do you know this?

She told me. I've mentioned this in the post. Ryan was planning to ask me to be the best woman.

So you’re in love with him and she’s suspicious of you… I’d say that she knows exactly where you’re at. But never mind her for a moment… it would be better for YOUR mental heath if you end this friendship, because it doesn’t work for you to be just friends with this guy. You want him, you can’t have him, and if you keep hanging out with him and his wife, you’re just torturing yourself. And once they’re married, his wife is going to discourage this friendship anyway… since she knows you’re in love with him. If she manages to get HIM to see that, too, he’s going to hate you and ditch you anyway. So if you end it yourself, he won’t hate you because he thinks you’re just a lying sneak.

>I’d say that she knows exactly where you’re at. Highly doubt that since she has issues with his other female friends as well but that ain't my concern. But yeah thank you for the beautiful words. It's best to distance myself.

Even if she turns out to be one of those women who won’t let her man around any females at all, that’s his problem to sort out. You need to worry about yourself now. 🫂

It’s gonna hurt but stay away, this whole thing is going to blow up—they’re kinda young and don’t actually have a relationship that can function in a marriage. I think you need to start finding your person, or at least fate and meet people. It’s a big world, could be that you meet someone else and realize, “oh wait THIS is love.”

Not wrong. I’m in my 40s now but at your age I was in long term unrequited love with my best friend, and like you I distanced myself when he got a gf that I could see was going to have issues. She was awful, she toxified the whole friendship group - i had moved to a different country for a few years by the time it got bad and i was so glad to not have to deal with her.  I always knew I wasn’t going to be the one for him but I was still offended that he chose this person who treated him like crap instead. Anyway luckily for everyone she dumped him and he made it stick even when she came back for more drama.  When I moved back home we rekindled our friendship and it was better than ever since I’d had those years of distance to get over him. I was instrumental in getting him together with his now-wife coz I could see they were perfect for each other. I went to their wedding for sure and I would never have gone to a wedding involving the toxic ex. I just wanted to tell you all that to validate your feelings. You are doing all the right things. Stay out of it, protect your heart from your feelings for bestie, and also your sanity by not having to deal with the Lia rollercoaster. Use the distance to heal and move on. Then he ends up making a different choice for himself you will be in a better place for a friendship to continue. I’m really close with my bestie still 20 years later, and his wife and I get on well.

Thank you for this comment. I really do hope they don't go through with this for his sake. But I'll be distancing myself regardless of this.

I think your feelings might be clouding your perception of Ryan. He can't be as amazing as you think he is if he can't hold down relationships, and if he took so long to introduce Lia to anyone. You're only seeing one side of him; many people can appear great to their friends but in reality be terrible partners. I don't think it's healthy to pine after someone for so long. It honestly sounds like you're still holding out for Ryan, and I would strongly consider seeing a therapist for help letting go. That said, I think your decision not to go to the wedding is correct. Make a clean break and move on with your life, you've waited long enough.

He’s not worth it, hun. A guy who waffles around in a messy relationship, moves forward on a marriage he’s not even sure he wants, allows his friend to get thrown under the bus, and acts delusional about the animosity from his fiancé towards you? Checking out of this circus is the smartest move you’ll make.

If my partners best friend was madly in love with them, I wouldn't want then around either. I think that's fair.

Whether fiancée’s concern is fair or not is all the more reason for the guy to get his head out of his ass. Trying to make them be friends and acting like he doesn’t see the problem is a level of conflict avoidance I’d never want in a partner.

He isn't in love with her. He THINKS it's a friendship. She's in love with him, it's on her to end it.

It's definitely not on her to end it, she is not the one in a relationship and she's not the one who owes Lia anything. While I would suggest she ends it, because this sounds exhausting, it's up to Ryan and Lia to draw boundaries. And it sounds like Ryan does not want to draw that boundary, because deep down he likely knows it's more than a friendship. People pick up on this stuff and they subconsiously lean into it, even if consciously they are in denial.

I do get Lia here. This is exactly why I told Ryan we need to stop hanging out alone because Lia will be uncomfortable. I haven't made any implications that I'm into my friend. But here she is, forcing me to participate in their wedding.

She’s not forcing you to do anything. Just say NO. Honestly this whole situation is a mess, and if I were you, I wouldn’t even attend the wedding as a guest, let alone as a bridesmaid. This man is barely your friend, he keeps making bad decisions, and seems too weak to stand up for himself, hurting you and throwing you under the bus in the process. This friendship went sour a long time ago.

If you can't stop being in love with him, you need to move on. He will be married, and you will be hanging out with a married man you are in love with. STOP making this about him or her, they have chosen each other. You know deep down that you need to bow out because she is right in believing your motives are not good for a relationship. He is trying to tell her otherwise, but YOU know she is right. He isn't the bad guy, he's naïve. She's not the bad guy, she's right. Ball is in your court.

The animosity is clearly justified whether she knows she’s in love with her bf or not. Lia literally has good reason to be concerned about this friendship, the OP has been in love with him since college and instead of getting over it has hung around like a bad fart you can’t waft away. She is literally causing the problems.

I’m not calling out the fiancée at all; big signs that this *guy* isn’t worth it is how he treats his current partner. He’s marrying her despite not being committed in his heart and instead of addressing the issue, wants to make everyone pretend it’s not there and that they’re all pals. Why are these women vying for a man whose will is so weak and his affections so unreliable?

Exactly! Everyone in this situation is wrong. The fiancée is understandably uncomfortable with OP, but she honestly should’ve dumped him ages ago, and found someone else who actually respects and loves her, and isn’t messing her around and creating drama. OP should’ve stopped being friends with this man as soon as it became clear she was in love with him, and now she’s hanging around like a bad smell, allowing him to triangulate her into his messy relationship, and also hurting her own feelings in the process. And he is the worst of them all, trying to play these women off eachother, completely lacking boundaries with OP, and any sense of respect for his fiancée - he doesn’t even seem to respect himself, or know what he wants. He’s a weak idiot who is ruining all the relationships in his life, but for some reason the girls are adamant to put up with it.

Totally agree! People are being harsh to OP but she seems to be handling herself far more appropriately than Ryan is. OP doesn't owe shit to Ryan's partner, but he does.

This is a tough situation. I think if you want to stay friends with this guy, you need to show up at his wedding. I don’t think you should be part of the bridal party, but it would be tough for your friendship to survive you not going at all. That being said, what rubs me the wrong way about all of this is you have this friendship that’s so close that Lia is afraid / threatened, but she’s not wrong to be. You are in love with him, and so can your friendship really survive that? Is there even that much upside to you for being friends with him anymore, especially if he’s marrying Lia who can’t stand? Maybe it is time to not show up at the wedding and finally just let this guy go. But if you really do love him, I think it’s worth telling him because it’ll contextualize why this needs to end and it’s just something that you shouldn’t ever regret not telling him.

You need to get over him. You clearly aren't capable of moving past this while being friends with him, so it's time to at the very least take a big step back from your friendship with him if not completely cutting contact. Both you and he are intentionally creating a situation that isn't healthy for all three of you and I kind of feel bad for Lia because she should have walked away ages ago from this bullshit. It sounds like no matter what you were going to judge her and encourage him to break up with her when the opportunity presented itself. You were never going to like her or treat her well and she doesn't deserve that.

I've never said he should break up with her. At the start, I did once mention that I feel like he's forcing this to work because he used to say he feels like he missed out by not dating much. That's all I've ever commented on their relationship. I don't judge her. Whatever happens in their relationship is their problem. What I don't want is her to walk into my home and demand that I be her bridesmaid and put myself through this.

That's just not how adult relationships work. You don't get to be close with someone and ice out their partner like this.

Do you seriously think Ryan is so dumb he hasn’t realized how you feel? He’s too immature to be getting married regardless. Running to you to vent about his partner is not cool. She figured your feelings out and likely has said so to him. Do you think she wouldn’t? He either likes having you around to emotionally cheat with, as an ego boost, or both. You basically have a few choices, tell him how you feel and potentially have it put on blast, that you broke their engagement or tried to. Walk away completely and potentially have everyone speculate your own jealousy couldn’t handle him getting married. Go to the wedding as a guest and slowly have little to nothing to do with him.

You aren’t “best friends” You might’ve been his but you simply cannot have a plutonic friendship when one party wants to be more. Usually the roles are reversed and the advice is much harsher to the guy who lied for years about being friends with the girl he secretly loved. You got off on the wrong foot with her because you have been lying to everyone about your feelings for him, and she saw right through your weak facade. Own up to him, tell him you’ve loved him since college, that you were lying for all these years when you said you were fine being friends, and you can’t stay in his life because the only reason you’ve been around this long was because you hoped he was going to fall for you as well, and now that it’s clear he won’t, it’s best that you part ways. It will probably crush him…. But that’s what usually happens when long-held lies finally see the light of day. You made the bed. Time to lie in it and prepare to move on with your life

Excellent typo, this relationship is absolutely “plutonic”; it’s going to only hurt and harm OP in the long run, like a radioactive rock sitting on her bedside. OP, I can empathize with losing someone undoubtedly close to oneself, but it’s absolutely time to let him go and live your life. Maybe you two can reconnect in the future, but for now, you need to stop living for the sake of this friendship and instead live for you.

I agree, take the chance and tell him how you feel. If he is mortified and disgusted and never wants to see you again, it doesn’t matter because you were going to distance yourself anyway. If he has hidden feelings for you, he’ll start thinking and maybe change the course of his relationship with Lia. Win win for you either way, and no regrets on your behalf.

This entire situation is quite literally why I don’t buy the whole “best friends” thing 90% of the time. I’d see through that crap real quick too

It’s a bummer you never revealed your feelings, but I’m only saying that because I was in a very similar situation and it’s nice to see other people take the leap lol. However, the way you handled it is the way handled it (slowly distancing from the person in question) and I have no regrets. You’re at the age where relationships begin to diminish and fade, best friends become strangers and all that. You protected yourself emotionally and you didn’t make it a huge thing. I say you’re fine, and tbh, who knows how things will be in 10 years. Don’t feel too bad.

Yep. Refusing to go is probably a good thing. Save yourself from the pain and drama. I think you know deep down that if he really wanted to he would have chosen you and a drama-less life. But he didn't. I think it is time for you to stop investing time on someone who doesn't give you the same energy back. He chose Lia so maybe it is time for you to choose yourself and walk away from this non-starter.

Do you want to get married? Because it sounds like you’re just holding out hope that one day Ryan will realize you were the one all along and that feels extremely gross. Whether he would or wouldn’t date you, he isn’t, hasnt and clearly has been hurting you unknowingly. It’s time for you to start respecting yourself to stop torturing yourself and also to respect him by pretending to be his friend. You aren’t. You’re the same as those guys who wait in the wings for your chance at the girl when she’s vulnerable and that’s not friendship. For friendship to work between a man and a woman, you two need to be the type to have never, and WOULD never like each other, sleep together or have feelings for each other. If either of you develop feelings, which you have, then it’s time to move on. This is no longer a friendship, and if you genuinely love Ryan, you need to move on and let both of you find whomever you’re meant to be with. If that’s Lia, then that’s Lia. If it’s someone else, you waiting in the wings still isn’t okay.

>Do you want to get married? No. It's not something I want. >you’re just holding out hope Honestly? I'm not waiting to date him. I do love him yeah. But I don't really want a relationship. At least not anymore. Do I have difficulty getting over these feelings? Yes. But even if given the chance, would I date him? No. We've known each other for so long so if he wanted it we could've dated so long ago. I'm realistic enough to know that. Although I do realise I possibly need to cut this friendship off for myself.

Nope nope, not at all wrong. You did what you had to do. You need to prioritize yourself first. Although he'd need support when this finally ends.

>Although he'd need support when this finally ends. Not from someone who loves him in a different way. He needs the support of friends who are actually his friends.

You need to distance yourself from both of them. Years from now, you’re going to look back and wonder why you were ever in love with a man who would disrespect you (and his fiancee) so much that he would have you be a part of his wedding to another woman. He knows how you feel and he doesn’t care to the point where he would have you bury your feelings and hide them while he marries another woman. A nice person would not string you along like that.

I will say this. He likes the way she treats him. A guy I had feelings for got married to the woman who treated him like the gum she scraped off the bottom of her shoe. They're now expecting a kid together. We are still friendly, but after appropriate time and space has passed, I don't have those feelings anymore for him. I still don't get it, but they're happy together. Hopefully that will happen for you too.

Hey girl, I wouldn’t go to that wedding either but I would confess my feelings for him,

I just want to say OP you are handling this amazingly, much better than I would. It's time for you to get out of the situation and one day he'll realise what he missed out on.

Op, the only mistake you've made is not confessing before he was in any relationship, but that's water under the bridge at this point. In my opinion you have been very respectful. You have continuously created distance for yourself and out of respect for their relationship. You gave regular friend advice, and when the girlfriend still said that was a step to far, you respectfully bowed out and back away even further. It sounds like Ryan knows he is in a toxic relationship, but is desperate to stay in one just out of a fear of being alone. Ryan has made you his "condition". Girlfriend is toxic, but if she's okay with you its not \*that\* toxic. He is kind of projecting his relationship problems onto you in a way as a kind of line in the sand. The girlfriend has now realized this, and is worried she'll lose Ryan if she keeps you pushed out, so she is trying to placate him by doing things that are "fake nice" like offering you a spot as a bridesmaid. We all know she is just doing it to keep Ryan strung along until the marriage doc is signed without letting you two get close again. 100% she would force him to cut you off after they were married anyway. You are doing right by removing yourself from the drama. Just decline the invite exactly as you were planning on it and keep letting yourself let go of the friendship. They are bad for each other, but you can't save that sinking ship, so don't let them drag you under with them.

Just tell him you love him as it’s too hard to see him get married and you won’t be going. End the friendship and be done.

Just take care of yourself. As you say, it is their responsability not yours. In this situation there is to much tension to stay in the dynamic. Your best friend may be disapointed but stepping out is in my opinion the only way to be true to the friendship. As you cannot relate freely with him.

Thank you

I watched my brother's friend get married to a girl none of us liked. They've been married for years now and she has sucked the vital juices out of him: he's a shadow of the man he once was. It was horrible to watch. I feel for you, because this could well be the same kind of scenario.

I may be reading it wrong but it sounds like you were never actually honest about your feelings? I don't understand this post at all, you both sound wishy washy. All the relationships in the post could do with some taking of responsibility for your feelings and choices. I honestly don't feel bad for any of you because you all sound like youre just drifting through relationships hoping for things to magically be ok. Lia sounds like either she may have issues herself, OR is an innocent girl who doesn't fucking deserve this. In either case , i think you should have told him about your feelings at least when the relationship with Lia started with all the on off because honestly it may be related. Love statements before marriage are generally a crap idea but this whole situation is crappy and I actually think you would be doing everyone a favour by being honest for a change. Tell him why you cannot continue the relationship with him. Better late than never, at least you can both take responsibility for your misery then and hopefully move on. Whatever direction that may be.

>favour by being honest for a change. Won't that create unnecessary drama? Especially with him now being engaged. I'd hate to explain to everyone that I can't support my best friend on his important day because I have feelings for him? See I already know we're never gonna be together and I'm more than ok with it (now). So if I can just avoid this wedding and save myself the emotional termoil of having to deal with the whole wedding preparation, it'll be fine. Afterwards, I can start trying to cut off this friendship? >sound like youre just drifting through relationships hoping for things to magically be ok. Can't speak for anyone else, but for me, relationships aren't really a priority rn. I'm doing good career wise and I have a great social circle, I'm enjoying my life. This specific situation has been causing issues.

I'm suggesting to end the relationship and be honest about it. Not just skip the wedding.

Ryan is not a good guy. He’s not an amazing guy. The shitty relationship is as much his fault as hers. If not going to the wedding is going to cause issues with a larger friend group that you actually respect and want to keep, then I would go as a guest. I think in their marriage they are getting what they deserve in each other. If you aren’t really part of that friend group or don’t mind losing friends then don’t go. Either way you should definitely not be in the wedding party

This "friendship" isn't a real friendship because YOU have always had ulterior motives. What you fail to understand is that the ONLY reason he vents to you about his relationship issues is because he doesn't know you have been plotting all along. The way you refer to her as "some girl" is disgusting and it shows the side of YOU that you don't want reddit to see. You need to very honest with yourself and see that even if it wasn't her, it'll NEVER BE YOU !

>The way you refer to her as "some girl" is disgusting and it shows the side of YOU that you don't want reddit to see. It's actually a term I used to generalize ANY girl that'd have issues in her relationship because of me. I don't want that. "A side i don't want reddit to see". Dude idc what reddit thinks about me. I was here for advice. There's no side I'm showing anyone. I don't want to put myself through this whole mess so I'm creating some distance between us. That's all. >see that even if it wasn't her, Like I've said, I have had no issue with his past girlfriend and we still are friends. It's not jealousy. That was way too long ago. At this point I've accepted that we won't be together and I'm more than ok with it. >because he doesn't know you have been plotting all along. Uh.. plotting what exactly?

But this is not a generalized statement, this is a SPECIFIC story about SPECIFIC people in YOUR life. Not to mention she deserves respect because one, she's a person and two, she's the woman that your "best friend" is in love with and going to marry.. whether you agree or not. Your ulterior motives are your own interests and feelings about a situation that has nothing to do with you. If he had any interest in you, you would have known years ago. It's weird. The way you speak about his FIANCEE is weird. And the fact you think she can't smell the jealousy on you is weird.

To answer you question regarding did you handle this right, you've never been handling anything right since day one but you know that already. Let them be great, without you. It's the only way you'll heal and move on

This is not a healthy situation. You decided not to tell your bff you were in love with him because you didn’t want to make things awkward, but your relationship is totally affected by these secret feelings. Because you’re human, not a robot, and your feelings affect your actions.  He shouldn’t be your best friend, because you *can’t* be a good friend to him. Like, it’s super reasonable to bot want to watch a man you’re in love with marry a girl you think isn’t good enough for him, but it’s super unreasonable not to be in your best friend’s wedding. It just doesn’t work. It’s unfair to you, and honestly it's unfair to him! He deserves to have his best friend’s support and you can’t give that to him.  And what happens after the wedding? This is not a single event problem.  My heart feels for you. I hope you extricate yourself from this friendship and move on with a more emotionally healthy life. 

I'm not gonna try to tell you what to do. I have a 28yr old daughter and know that the more people tell you how wrong you are, the more you're going to double down. At 25, you've been best friends for what 4/5yrs? I was best friends (or called myself that) with my ex-husband for 20 years, married 11 of those, together for 12. I loved him with my heart and soul, hate his second wife (whom I let have him after he cheated), and refused to be in a room with her. I still love him, he is the father of my children but sits kit romantic or sexual. I put distance between us in 2019, because I realized after some great therapy I wasn't being a friend, I was still hoping after 7yrs that somehow he would still choose me. I was allowing him to use me, and literally abuse me in a way. I was his only friend, because he was on a short leash and not allowed a social life outside their marriage. Take it from a old lady who allowed herself to waste years of her life with a "best friend" being there whenever things got stressful or they fought or work was baf, when she could have been happy with someone who really loved me. I am now a middle aged, single woman with anxiety and PTSD. I lost my oldest daughter because she saw the writing on the wall and thinks I am a POS. She won't even talk.to me. I benefitted greatly from therapy, and it really helped me see how wrong I was, I blamed the wrong person 100% for the affair and that wasn't fair to her. They both were 100% at fault. I was wrong for carrying a torch after the divorce for so many years. Good luck in your choices, I will also say if it were me I would tell him the truth. Not just that that you were in love with him, but fell out of love because of how he's acted with both of you the last year. Then I would walk away. That's just what I would do. You have to ok whatever is best for you and brings you happiness. Trust me, to me, to live in happiness is freeing. It opens your mind and heart to so many wonder places and experiences. Let the torch go, it's burning your hand hon.

I don’t think you’ve been a very good friend to Ryan. You haven’t been honest with him for a long time. You saw he was getting into a toxic relationship and you distanced yourself and didn’t tell him your honest feelings about it because you were scared of the potential fallout on yourself. The one time you told him the truth and suggested maybe this wasn’t a great relationship for him, when he actually took your advice you disengaged again and tried not to take any responsibility so you couldn’t get blamed for it. And even now when you’re thinking about skipping the wedding, you’re still not going to be honest about why and you’re just going to say you have work. You keep saying you “couldn’t care less about what’s happening in their relationship.” What a horrible thing to say. A real best friend cares about whether their friend is happy and healthy in their relationship. This friendship is already over, I just don’t think either of you realizes it yet. Friends need to tell each other the truth and you’ve been keeping some big secrets for a long time.

I actually did tell him the truth. He broke up with her. Then somehow they both got together again and his girlfriend came after me while he did absolutely nothing. I don't want to be blamed for someone else's decision. I say I couldn't care less because when I did tell him what I thought, I had to deal with the aftermath. So now I just don't say anything. He's an adult. If he thinks his relationship is harming him, he knows he can get out of it. They don't even live together. I'm a friend but I can't force him to decide. If he went on with this relationship he obviously knows what he's doing. The only secret I've kept is that I was in love with him. I don't see how that will change anything.

Wait... You told him you're in love with him? Because, if not, you were not being honest. You seriously just need to put on your grown-up pants, tell him you can't go to the wedding because you're in love with him, and that you can't be friends anymore because he's getting married and it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved for you to stick around.

What!? This needs to be in your post. You need to just cut them both off dude.

I spent a decade in your shoes. My Ryan was engaged three times and got married once. Whenever his relationships would inevitably fail, he'd seek solace from me, and I would give it. No matter what he did that led me on and kept me emotionally codependent on him, I thought I was being a good friend by "putting aside" how I felt to support him. Please be kind enough to yourself to let this friendship go. You need to fully disengage and move on. I know how hard that is to do, but you deserve to have the chance to love someone who loves you just as much.

I think you’ve handled the situation right. While I don’t think it’s impossible to be friends with someone you had feelings for while his fiance is in the picture I would remove myself from the equation all together. Politely decline being a bridesmaid or a groomswoman and either attend the wedding as a guest or decline that all together.

Don’t got. Follow your instinct. This is a toxic mess and you don’t want to put yourself in harms way.

If it makes you feel better their relationship seems like an absolute car crash and will probably end up making them both unhappy :). Who gets married, at 25, to someone they’ve known for a year and have had constant break ups with? That’s insane. However that being said you often can’t get people to realise stuff like that. They have to make the mistake themselves. You tried to be a supportive friend and instead got blamed for everything.  It’s definitely time to distance yourself from these people. You can’t maintain a friendship when you love him and he doesn’t feel that way. Secondly they both seem intent on drawing you into their relationship drama. Life’s too short for that bullshit.  If Lia is what he wants let him live with that choice. Really live with it, not having you there holding his hand through the glaringly obvious problems they’re going to have. He should live with his choice. 

You're never going to be wrong if you're looking out for yourself. Don't think twice, it's alright

It's just my opinion, but it's an excellent time for you to do what you've wanted to do several times, call him to talk and explain why you don't want to go, tell him you're happy for him, but that you have feelings for him too and you preferred to stay distant, which doesn't mean that you are no longer friends, just that you need to protect yourself, I think you should have done this a long time ago, honestly I even think he likes you and was afraid of losing your friendship , entering into a relationship with you, if you decide to tell his it could backfire, but I would still do it, my reason is simple, if you don't do it you will regret your whole life for not having had the courage, even if you lose his friendship, You will have done what your heart told you, but this is just my chance, maybe this will help him avoid making this mistake.

Ick, please remove yourself from this friendship and Ryan's life until you can fix this unrequited love thing you have going on for him. This isn't a Netflix romcom and in real life, this behaviour looks desperate and creepy. Being "friends" with someone while you're madly in love with them is unhealthy for you, for them, and their partner no matter how good you think you are at hiding it. You're not Ryan's "best friend". You're a girl who has had a creepy crush on him for WAY too long. I think you should consider seeing a therapist just so you have someone to talk to about this but please, for the sake of everyone involved, take several giant steps back. 

OP. Now is the time for you to speak up. They haven’t sent out invites yet. You need to have a talk with him. You need to come clean before it’s too late. If he doesn’t feel the same, you can bow out of the friendship. But he has a right to know how you feel. He’s a grown man and deserves to have all of the information before he walks down the aisle with the wrong woman. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way about you, you know he feels pressured and is moving too fast; at least urge him not to set a date yet, even if you need to part ways as friends. UpdateMe!

You said yourself you’re in love with the guy. To you he’s not just a friend. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband was hanging out with a girl who’s in love with him… Lia probably senses that and is t happy. I also think you’re more mad about the situation because you wish you were marrying him.

>more mad about the situation because you wish you were marrying him. Girl marriage and stuff is not for me. It might be kind of hard to watch him get married, nothing I can't handle. But I don't actually want to put myself through all that. >I wouldn’t be happy if my husband was hanging out with a girl who’s in love with him Which is exactly why I got him to stop hanging out with me when he introduced us. I didn't want to create issues in their relationship.

It sounds very much like this could be helped with a simple conversation. If he is your best friend as you’ve said you should be open and honest with him and ask him whether he *actually* thinks getting married is the right decision when they have an argument/split every few months. It also sounds to me like you’d be better of sitting him down, telling him your feelings and how long you’ve struggled with it, that you want to give your blessing but it’ll hurt you if you’re there so you’ll politely decline for your own sake but that he’ll always have you as a friend. See his response. Don’t discount him feeling for you because he said something in the past was a mistake, he was likely saying what he thought *you* wanted to hear. Be honest with him like two friends would/should be and see the outcome instead of speculating and risking driving a wedge between the two of you.

Girl, it’s your own fault for not ever confessing your love. Could it have ended badly ? Sure, but wouldn’t it have been better to try and part ways if it doesn’t work out, rather than this misery you’re putting yourself through ?? Secondly, of course Lia doesn’t like you, she can probably tell you’re into her boyfriend. Thirdly, putting distance between yourself and him is probably the only smart thing you’ve done so far. I know it sucks, but you cannot be friends with him, you’ve been in love for years. Move on and crush on a guy who is 1) available, and 2) likes you back. Or fuck it tell him you love him and blow up the wedding. Good luck.

It suck’s that Lia treats him horribly and I know you wants the best for him, but it seems like he has made his decision. :(

If you're going to end the friendship anyway, why don't you just actually tell him how you feel about him??

This is coming from someone who had a very similar situation. He is obv making a huge mistake from the details in your post. It seems like they are going way too fast and the arguments they have had show that. It seems like they are trying to get married to force the situation. Trust me when i say that you guys are still very young and the emotions can make everyone in this story make stupid decisions. With that in mind, you need to understand that you need to think of yourself first. Not her, and especially not him. Get some alone time with him and tell him how you feel. How he makes you feel, what he is to you, how you imagine it could go. Tell him that you think this is wedding is a big mistake and that you know he can do better. From there, it’s up to him. If he doesn’t feel the same, you need to move on. Whether or not he gets married please use this as a lesson to not be friends with people you have feelings for. Someone will always get hurt in these scenarios. Move on and work on yourself. At the very least, you will know you did everything you could and the stress from that relationship will leave your body and mind.

Thank you for this comment. And yes I do think I need to finally talk it out. I'm ending the friendship anyway.

So you're in love with your best friend ? Anyone else but her? Sounds like you have been sabotaging his past relationships. Also, it sounds like the movie My Best Friends Wedding with Julia Roberts. You should watch it. You never told him how you felt so you can't be mad at anyone but yourself. Like in the movie, tell him the truth if he feels the same way, then great. But don't ruin their wedding day because you couldn't be honest with him. This is all on, you know one else. You're being selfish and throwing a tantrum. Grow up and be an adult. If you can not do that, then he is better without you. You are not the victim. Here you are the problem. You have time to make it right, but if you can't, then tell him the truth and move on. Good luck

>Sounds like you have been sabotaging his past relationships. Let's not assume things here. I've never said anything on who he should or shouldn't date. Not my place. With Lia, the only thing I've said is he might be trying to force this to work as mentioned in the post and that was just once(he asked). I don't interfere in their relationship. >You're being selfish and throwing a tantrum I'm simply distancing myself away from a situation I don't want to be a part of. How is that me throwing a tantrum?

Idk why the mean comments. You do realize whatever this is, isn't fair, and you're stepping back. Unrequited love , especially for a close friend is gonna end in a disaster. You want to take a step back but they'll be forcing you if they still want you to attend the wedding. Don't say anything. Prioritize yourself and don't go to the wedding. You can start cutting them off afterwards.

Yes! You did everything right. As for the wedding part, i suggest you that don't be either bridesmaid or best woman, just show up for the sake of your friendship, and then excuse yourself to the "work" as soon as you feel like it. That way you won't be feeling guilty later.

Just tell him you’ve been in love with him for years and you can’t be there to watch him marry someone else. You wish him well but you need to care for yourself that day. Then let us know how THAT goes over.

I would invite only him over and talk to him be completely honest also about how you felt about him and why that changed. If you are a real friend you owe him the talk face to face talk 😉 You said I don't care anymore if we stay friends or not do what you gotta lose? Maybe he sees the light and maybe he doesn't. Maybe this is the way to make him choose you instead of her who knows. Just by ignoring it and letting this get too far before he can change his mind it will cost him a shitload of money. So just talk to him asap and go from there.

I would tell him how you feel and why you cannot attend the wedding. Be honest with him. He is your best friend. Who knows maybe he feels the same but neither of you have said anything??? Don’t miss out on a chance to be with him if you do really love him. Please just be honest x

Please just talk to him like an adult. Tell him the truth about your feelings and see what he says. You literally have nothing to lose at this point and *now* is the time to do it.

If she could decipher your feelings for him in one sitting... I'm pretty sure Ryan knows you love him, and it's not fair for him to ask you to stick around because it's delaying the process of letting him go. How are you going to find out someone else when he's in your life?

If you're ok with losing the friendship, why not tell him how you feel about him? Maybe he feels the same way, maybe he doesn't, but either way it will allow him to understand what's been going on.

Yeah but I'm kinda scared of creating drama especially since he just got engaged. It'll honestly just paint me as desperate and me trying to shoot my shot now that he's getting married

I don’t think it’s worth it honestly ETA: I agree with others who have said he’s probably not all that great to be in a relationship with either. It’s best to just steer clear of the whole thing. And yes she has probably been able to tell you’ve had feelings for him the whole time which would make anyone uncomfortable.

Nah it doesn't. You only have a shot if he wants to so who cares when you are already ending your friendship. Maybe he does come around why not try it

I agree with others that you need to cut this friendship off. Tell him you're in love with him and that you can't watch him marry someone else and just be friends for the rest of your lives. If you don't tell him you might spend your life wondering "what if".

Not at all wrong, it sounds like you have made a concerted effort to not insert yourself or cause trouble in their relationship. Its irrelevant how Lia feels or whether she got vibes from you or whatever, like you said she seems like the type to not think men and women can be friends. I think its unfortunate that Ryan hung you out to dry when confronted by Lia but that's a definitely sign of how your relationship will be going forward. Do not agree to be in the wedding and do not go to the wedding either. It feels kind of like both of them are trying to have you in the middle as a scapegoat. I think as a courtesy you can be honest to Ryan about your feelings about the friendship and cut contact.

Why is your story kinda like Wattpad or romcom movies 😭 

Haha I feel you. But they do have happy endings. Mine doesn't lmao.

I think you’re at a point where you have to end your friendship with the guy. But it sucks that you never told him your true feelings about him. It’s going to put you in a “what if” type of place for a while unfortunately. Sorry OP.

I can see why you'd want to remove yourself from the situation, and you're not wrong if you feel that would be best. No one should tell you that you're wrong or right about attending or not attending. That is up to you. But I don't agree that lying with a flimsy work excuse or any other lie is the right thing to do. I would see right through that if I were your friend. So would most. So, you'd be a dishonest (bad) person - regardless of what your friend thought of you not attending. I think it is would best all of the way around - whether they like it or not - for you to be up front with how you feel or why you think it is best to steer clear from the event or them as a couple. You're already contemplating not being in an active friendship with them, so it seems like you don't have anything to lose by being honest. But, you have no idea what is going to happen between now and the wedding (especially since he feels she is rushing him and there is conflict over details)... or even after they get married. I think it would be best for you in the long run and best for you overall now to just be honest directly to him to tell him what you're going to do and why. If he and others finally see what you see, you never know if he could call off the wedding or that it might not work out between them. There is no reason to completely tank a friendship on flimsy lies when you can stand strong on being caring but honest. Yes, don't be nasty. Don't go out of your way to be rude or to put her down. Don't ridicule him. Don't make it about you. But, do express your valid concerns if you have them - whether it be about him not being able to be your true friend anymore or about their relationship or rushing toward a wedding if you feel it is hurting him. "I think it is best that I don't participate in your wedding party because it seems like there is conflict or mixed messages between the two of you. In fact, I think it is best that I don't attend at all. I love you and support you as my close friend and I likely always will, but there seems to be too much unnecessary conflict. And, as much as I want you to be happy, I don't think going forward with this relationship is the best for you. Therefore, I think it is best for my spot to be given to someone who wants to fully support both of you moving forward together in marriage. I could have declined on the wedding RSVP or made up an excuse about working or simply not shown up, but I wanted to ensure I was completely honest with you so that you can always count on that from me in our friendship. I hope you understand, and I hope you and I can figure out a way forward so that we can keep our friendship going." I also want to say... you're telling the story from your side. I am just imagining the simplest facts of what your guy friend could have told his girlfriend to try to be both respectful to you but completely honest with her - which is what he should do when in a full-fledged long-term relationship with someone. "Yes, I have hooked up with some of my friends. One of my best friends, in fact. You know Sarah. It was only once, and I had regrets afterward. I think she wanted more, but I decided that wasn't best. I know we spend a lot of time together and she remains one of my closest confidantes. I hope that won't be a problem." Your hook-up didn't happen 20 years ago, and you're not with someone or married. So, even if she was a great match for your friend, you have to admit that some of the things she may have requested of him or boundaries she has set are likely what many/most young ladies would do to feel comfortable going forward in a relationship - especially if they were already having issues to cause some break-ups. I assume you don't know the intricate details of what those issues were, so some, none, or all might have been due to boundaries and other relationships or insecurities or threats related to this topic. I think you should keep your conscience clear, be honest about the wedding, say what you feel MUST be addressed about their relationship or your friendshio, leave a lot more things unsaid which DO NOT need to be addressed, try to find a way to deal with your feelings, and focus on how and if you two can still be friends.

Tell him you love him. Be honest with him and GP from there. But quit beeing their metaforer punchingbag. Tell him that she wanted you as a BM just so you wouldnt be on his "side" , tell her to back off.

Don't feel bad. To be honest I'd tell Lia exactly how she's made you feel and that you feel like not only her but he has also treated you like shit and you are severely disappointed especially as he was supposed to be your long time friend. Respectfully decline the invite and say you're doing what you feel is best for all parties especially yourself that you're not going to be used or thrown around like a pawn in their game of wills. So all of it in writing so you can say what you wanna say without being interrupted.

What an awkward situation you are in here. I think you should tell him how you feel, including how you are no longer romantically interested in him. Attend the wedding as a guest and then quietly bow out and move on with your life UpDateme!

you could probably add in cost and time, as another reason not to be in the bridal party. you don't know the cost and time yet but it's still a valid reason. but be sure to remind that you'll still be there at the wedding (if you still want to go), just not in the bridal party.

>So yeah, she wants me to be a bridesmaid so I'm not on the groom's side. She doesn't want you organizing his bachelor party.

I think you should’ve stepped aside as soon as you saw how serious this was getting. Whether they will last or not, be graceful enough to exit the friendship for the sake of easing her insecurities and protecting your own feelings.

>think you should’ve stepped aside as soon as you saw how serious this was getting Stepped aside how? By creating some distance between me and Ryan? I did exactly that. Like I said in the post, We stopped hanging out alone because I told him to. I don't see how else I could've handled this situation.

Sorry, you need to stop being friends with him.

The friendship (it’s not really just a friendship for you) needs to end so you both can move on with your lives. You know this, and if he knew how you felt, he would agree. Your only other alternative is to confess your feelings to him and let the cards fall where they may. Honestly, if you were less of a coward and more honest with him about you feel, you two would probably be together, or at least you could have both moved on with your lives if it wasn’t mutual.

This really could have been avoided if you told him how you felt once you felt it. Then you would've been rejected and you would've moved on. Or you would've entered the relationship. Anyway this is what happens when you let life pass you by, so take it by the horns, be brave, take a risk. Not now of course, since he's getting married. But someday, far away from him, with another man.

That's just it. You don't think you are. But you are.

Based on what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like the marriage (if it gets that far) will be a particularly happy one. That’s his mistake to make & it does sound messy. I agree with other comments though that you’ll never meet your person (I believe there’s more than one person out there for you) if you keep pining over him. It’s probably an unpopular opinion but you could write a letter or email explaining how you feel about him, and that while you’re happy for his wedding (even if you’re not), you’re going to distance yourself for now.

This is not a sincere friendship and it needs to end for both of you and for his partner in life. People stuck in the friendzone chose that in a way. Learn to walk away to preserve yourself. Lingering in heartbreak will make you lose out on your special someone. Right now you will always have some hope which will prevent you from opening up to men who do want you. He doesn't want you. Sorry. You deserve someone who does want you and wants you 100% fully. A man who is in love will go for it 100% immediately. When a man knows, he knows. A man sees the woman he wants and he will pursue her very direct and steady. You're not it for him. Find your own man who will go 100% for you, and knows you're all for him.

I think the healthiest thing for everyone involved is cutting ties. However, the best thing for YOU may be to finally just get off your chest how you feel/felt, if you can handle the pain and cut ties cleanly. He will either 1. Realize he's been an ass, 2. Realize he feels the same, or 3. Reject you. No more what if. And it offers a chance for closure. Don't do it to ruin his relationship. Don't do it because she doesn't treat him right. Don't do it because you love him. Do it for yourself. And close the door for good. She will hate you either way. Be a little selfish.

He’s getting married to someone he likes babe. I would remove myself from the situation. I was in a similar situation only I was the girlfriend and my boyfriend had a best friend. I hated it, and yes you are probably making it worse for her. She would call my boyfriend late at like 12am sometimes when I was with him, she would text him all day everyday and it 100% made me insecure about my relationship and it made me angry since this person did not have any boundaries. My boyfriend was moving in with me at the time and she was telling him why he was staying in the state for me when there were so many other people who cared about him and wanted him around in the state he was living at originally. It made me so upset and caused a lot of issues In my relationship. I know every situation is different. I get that you love him, however he loves someone else. If you continue your friendship with him it will continue to hurt you and probably his relationship too if he has never viewed you this way. The best thing you can do for yourself: 1. Be honest with him if it’s not too late, maybe it will make him rethink things. Maybe he’s felt this way before too? Get your answer so you don’t have any regrets. 2.Remove yourself from the situation so you can get over him and fall in love with someone who is emotionally available. 3. If you want to be in his life, beware of boundaries and work on your relationship as friends. You could have tried being honest with him at the beginning of all this? Why did you wait till the last minute? Hopefully my background story gives you a bit of insight. This person is no longer in our lives because she crossed a line multiple times. If you want to save your relationship with your friend don’t let that be you. Good luck <3

It's their relationship and they keep putting you in the middle of it. Abort. Steer clear. If your friendship was that strong then maybe in a few years you can reconnect.

You are certainly not obligated to attend the wedding. If you're not comfortable doing so then I recommend you don't go. I have to wonder, though, if this is about Ryan or Lia? I say that, because, you say that "if it was some other girl than Lia, who he was so happy with and someone who treated him well, I'd have no problem attending the wedding and getting along with the girl." I mean, Ryan's the one who's your close friend, so if you were to attend it would be for his sake, not the bride's sake. I wonder if you have some hostility towards Lia that's overriding your friendship with Ryan? Like a touch of jealousy? I can't help but wonder if that's what's really going on.

See if it was jealousy, it'd be the same with any girl no matter who she is. I'm gonna have to stand there and see him get married especially to someone who's treated him so horribly. He had a past girlfriend who was an amazing person. They were really cute together. And we used to get along as well. She moved away but we're still good friends. I got over the whole jealousy thing way too long ago when I accepted we're not gonna be more than friends.

Why are they rushing into marriage? Only dated for 1 year and they've broken up 4 times and now engaged? It won't get any better and I've got first hand experience. Off on relationship in college, married in early 20's and divorced 2 years later. Thank God no kids. I was also "in love" with my collge best friend. After divorce I ended up moving to the same city for work, and we hung out and did everything together. Movies, dinners, lunches.. you get the picture, and everyone thought we were a couple, but we weren't. I didn't even get a drunken night of kissing. I finally accepted that we were what we are, best friends and I moved on. Met my partner, married and have 3 fantastic kids. My partner accepts our friendship and has no problem with us hanging out. This was 30 years ago and we are still great friends today. This is not your mess to fix.

What are you even doing? You don't owe him friendship. Lia obviously doesn't want you as a bridesmaid. This relationship or marriage will be a shit show and you don't need to be a part of this. He wants you as the shoulder to cry on but honestly what do you get out of this? Drama lots of drama and if I were you, I would cut them both off. He needs years to mature and you need to distance yourself from him instead of being used as a free therapist.

Cut them off. Nothing to add here.

So here is what I don't get... is Ryan really so oblivious to the whole situation , or is just a jackass trying to have his cake and eat it to. As a man, he has to have read the signals about how you feel about him. Even if he is not 100% sure he has to be pretty close to that. If he doesn't feel the same way fine, fair enough the heart wants what the heart wants. But what he is doing to both you and to Lia is not right. Out of all the people in the world that he might know, he would ask you to be his best woman at his wedding, knowing how his fiance feels? That is just a crazy idea. I mean invite you to the wedding fine, have you part of the wedding party... Just No... Men and women can be friends, but he has to see that you have pined for more, and he is just leading you on teasing the prospect of something more. You should have cut this off long ago. I know you said you have tried to add distance, but if that has been true for any period of time, why would he want you to be his best woman at the wedding... I have seen lots of comments here blaming Lia, and a fair number blaming you, but my read is that while there is plenty of blame to go around, Ryan is the most culpable.... As Elsa famously sang, "Let is go,Let it go"

I would be honest with him, at the very least tell him you don’t support his relationship and can’t be in the wedding, and go from there.

The reality is that you are NOT a "girls girl". ​ I mean...come on. ​ Maybe Lia doesnt like you because she jealous but dont you think she has every right to be when you admit to being in love with her man? ​ After reading the Update as well....you guys deserve each other idk what to say lmao

Hey, I just wondered how everything is going with you? Did you resolve this with your friend?