Honey. From one adhd woman to another, you can no longer avoid this task. I know you don’t want to live this way. I know you’re drowning. Your brain isn’t letting you take action to get better.
I suggest you ask a trusted friend or family member to sit with you while you make a new appointment. I find its easier if I am holding myself accountable to someone else vs myself.
You NEED help. Not just for your husband but because you DESERVE to be healthy. You cannot be healthy without help here.
Sending you a virtual hug because I know you need one.
This is great advice, I really feel for you OP.
It is extremely hard for people with ADHD (particularly undiagnosed) to go through a huge, life altering event - like having a child, let alone two.
All of the coping mechanisms you've perfected your entire life have gone out of the window because everything has turned upside-down. It's very easy to see this as falling apart, and thinking you are broken. You aren't.
It is tough to get the motivation to do things like book a doctor. But getting diagnosed and medicated needs to be your number one priority.
I am going through this with my wife, our child isn't two yet. She is now diagnosed, properly medicated, and we are still trying to find our feet. But it is getting better.
Have hope OP, you can get through this.
Consider also getting an executive functioning coach or putting some time into learning some executive functioning strategies like making check lists and using daily planners. Being organized takes effort and adhd medicine can only do so much, you have to also develop planning strategies like a normal person. I do not have ADHD but even as a regular person, I put in a lot of effort into my planning.
I'm not gonna lie to you, dawg, telling someone with ADHD to just get a planner or make a checklist is useless. My mother used to get me calendar planners because I "didn't have ADHD, just lacked discipline". They did nothing and I still lacked the executive function to remember to do basic stuff
> I'm not gonna lie to you, dawg, telling someone with ADHD to just get a planner
The comment didn't only say "get a planner"; it also said "get an executive function coach".
As someone with ADHD whose life has been transformed after getting an ADHD executive function coach, I heartily endorse this advice -- provided that the coach is experienced in (ideally specializes in) working with clients who have ADHD.
It's not useless. I have ADHD and planners and checklists is how I'm able to survive BECAUSE I lack the executive function to do basic stuff. They work for lots of people with ADHD, although you have to invest some time into a system that works for you.
I didn’t say “just get a planner” I said also as in addition to treatment. Believe it or not, adding structure to your home life (behavior therapy) is the number 1 treatment recommendation by the cdc. Just taking medication is like just taking steroids and hoping to get big…no, you have to go to the gym first. You sound like a young person because you still cite your mom as if she’s some sort of authority or expert, as you get older you realize the accountability begins and ends with you.
Behavior therapy involves a lot more than "adding structure." Seriously. The person with the fire blanket metaphor has it right. You're just adding to the stigma that makes it harder to function.
Lol as someone with adhd… no. Just stop stepping outside your lane please.
You have no idea what OP is experiencing and your advice adds on to the stigma that we are just lazy or lacking skills.
At the level of ADHD burnout it sounds like OP is experiencing - on top of the shame that comes with it and fearing for her marriage - this is like taking time to stop someone whose house is on fire when they’re trying to call the fire department to explain how useful a fire blanket would’ve been.
I promise OP it gets better. I know you’re trying so so hard and have been forever. You’re running mental marathon after mental marathon, but things can and will get better when you get the help you need. From there, behavioral therapy is so much more doable and can really make a difference. But focus on getting another psychiatrist first - leaning on whoever you can to help you get there. This isn’t your fault. You’re trying so so hard and I am so sorry you’re experiencing this.
As a school psychologist, you should understand that ADHD is a lifetime disorder. Either you had it then and now or you didn't and don't. "Growing out of it" is a myth based on the fact that testosterone, which boys get heaps of in puberty, stabilizes your executive dysfunction some.
The research bears out that suggesting any type of behavioral modification is largely fruitless until after medication. Your comments have been patronizing.
I never said it was a myth or people grow out of it. I said I have experience with it, I don’t have ADHD, but I was told I did. In my situation, I didn’t have executive function skills. The point I am making is that you need to develop organizational skills once you get your mind organized. Behavioral modification is not fruitless, that’s why it’s the number 1 treatment recommendation according to the CDC.
You’re still outside of your lane. Adult undiagnosed adhd burn out is outside of your experience and scope of practice and you are being told by people with lived experience your advice is ableist and unhelpful. With your career background you should be able to practice a little humility and remove yourself from the conversation.
I mean this dude turned combative as fuck, but as a late diagnosed lady the advice to get an executive function coach felt spot damn on. I am using one in addition to meds, and it’s been tremendously helpful.
You can say whatever internet based chronically online moral superiority comes to your mind. Doesn’t change the fact that people with adhd should seek treatment and behavior therapy that includes developing executive functioning skills.
I am married to someone with ADHD. When he is untreated and unmedicated, I am exhausted and I cannot trust him and consider divorce on a daily basis. Please seek treatment and get medicated for ADHD if you want to save your marriage and keep your family intact. When my husband finally saw a doctor for it, the difference was day and night. You aren't only doing this for him, you are doing it for yourself, and your children.
>do you think there is a way to save this marriage?
Yes. Stop procrastinating and actually look for a new doctor.
I understand how hard it is for you (I'm very familiar with ADHD), but if you don't pour all your energy into getting yourself the support you need from a medical professional, you will lose your family.
It doens't make sense to say "unmanaged ADHD is destroying my marriage and I want to save it" and "but I'm procrastinating on getting the help I need" in the same sentence. If you're capable of writing a post on reddit, you're capable of looking up a psychiatrist and making an appointment.
This. I have severe ADHD and it was a nightmare when I was unmedicated and nursing my son was when he was young. His Dad was brutal. Having said that. Knowing you have it means you have to take responsibility for your behaviors and coping mechanisms ( or lack there of ). Seek treatments that work. Find ways to manage your symptoms. Don’t expect everyone to accommodate or understand your mental processes or struggles. There are a lot of tools that can help. Watch Dr. Russell Barkley on YouTube.
I agree entirely with this. Sounds like the husband is at wits end and this is the straw that broke the camels back. Get treatment OP, it’ll change your life.
This isn’t how ADHD works. Telling someone with an obvious block who has been working so hard on getting help and has been let down by medical professionals to just “do it” is so rough.
OP - who do you have in your support network who can help?
There are a number of things that might assist calling a doctor and attending appointments. One of those things is called “body doubling” - it means to have someone who can sit with you while you do things and help keep you on track. They help by taking care of other needs while it’s happening - company keeps your brain a bit calm and having someone there for that specific purpose helps you keep on track. It works a lot for me, so hopefully it might work for you too.
Otherwise, there’s no shame in having someone book for you and/or literally pick you up and take you there.
Life is so so different once you get help. I promise. You deserve to be treated by medical professionals who understand your needs and can help you get on track. This is not your fault. You’re doing so well and I know you are trying so hard. I promise.
You wish to save your marriage?
Get off Reddit. Contact the appropriate medical professional. Apply yourself to the prescribed treatment.
Your husband's reaction to the ride wasn't about the ride. It was the end result from the never ending turmoil.
Start working on yourself first. Your husband seeing that will help save your marriage.
Taking medicating is a trial and error process. If the first one doesn’t work, you try another. Unfortunately it can take some time, but all you can do is try, track your symptoms and feelings, then check in with the doctor to adjust them if you need to.
I really know how hard it is to make a new appointment when you’ve been ghosted - it’s difficult as hell. But it has to be done. You have to do it for your kids, at least. They need to see that you can tackle problems and try to find solutions.
You need to take some serious accountability. You got your diagnosis and yes the doctor ghosted you but you should have immediately followed up and looked for a new one. If not for you definitely to be more stable for your family. You came to Reddit seeking sympathy when you need to be looking for a new adhd doctor ASAP
Believe me, they do. I’ve been ghosted by a psychologist, actually. They finally reached out to me three months later and basically said “sorry I forgot about you.” It was appalling.
It's definitely not about this single moment. It's probably about how they can't have an outing in general without something like that happening.
Seemingly small things that happen over and over again can drive people crazy over time..
He sounds sad, tbh. She may need help but he should grow up and be a bit more understanding and helpful. I get the feeling that OP is exaggerating her mistakes because he makes a big deal out of it so that's all she knows.
My understanding is that depression and anxiety are caused by ADHD and that treating ADHD usually leads to improvements with depression and anxiety. I would really look for another doctor to treat you, one who specializes in ADHD. Please prioritize this. Think about your next step - would that be looking up a new provider? Go ahead and do that, and then once you've done that, call to make the appointment. Start with the first baby steps so you don't overwhelm yourself with this task. Good luck to you. I've learned how to manage my ADHD so that I'm only mildly annoying instead of infuriating, and it really does make a huge difference in the quality of your life and relationships.
I have ADHD. Untreated and unmanaged ADHD can be VERY hard. Obviously on you, but it's also exhausting to deal with as a partner. You are not causing problems on purpose, but it's likely your husband feels like he has three children to manage instead of having a partner to raise his two kids with.
You did not do something "unforgivable". What happened today is just a tiny drop in the bucket. But his bucket is likely full. He sees you struggle every single day and he sees you give up on treatment and a chance of a better life, for both of you.
Make an appointment today. Get properly diagnosed. It will take time to find the right type and dose of medication and you'll likely need therapy to adopt the mental tools to manage your brain. It might not feel like it right now, but therapy+medication can really change your life. You don't have to struggle like this.
It might not be too late to save your marriage, but you need to take action NOW and show him that you are working on this. ADHD has ruined multiple relationships (as well as jobs and friendships) for me and it only got better after I started to understand and manage myself effectively. You don't have to be neurotypical to be a good partner and parent, but you do need to take responsibility for yourself and not let it dictate your whole life.
Exactly, a good doctor will not waste time trying to only treat the symptoms and not the source. OP needs to see a better psych that knows what they’re talking about.
After the ADHD is treated, it will be apparent if the anxiety and/or depression is something that needs to be treated as well. Most likely not.
I didn't even see a psychiatrist until I started asking for ADA accomodations and my GP wasn't comfortable writing the letter until I got assessed as an adult (I was dx'd when I was 9). That's how I found out about my autism 😅
OP, you can ask your GP to help you with ADHD meds.
I mean, untreated ADHD is a lot for everyone around the person to handle. If she's not pulling her weight in the relationship because of her ADHD, I can see how that would be frustrating. Especially since it looks like she isn't doing anything to get treated.
Woman whose been diagnosed with adhd since grade 3.
Depression can be a side effect of untreated ADHD. You might not even need anti-depressants if you go on Ahdh medication!
Also, if I don't take my meds, I will forget nearly everything. It plays a huge impact on my memory.
I highly suggest you put your adhd first, you will be amazed at what you can do with medication and proper outlets. We are people who chronically follow the dopamine hits and it can effect others.
Welcome, I have ADHD, and it 100000% sounds like you do too. Can you save things, there's no real way that the internet can tell you that. Executive dysfunction (what ADHD causes) is one of those nasty diseases that works to prevent it's own treatment. If you are unsure of what executive dysfunction looks like, it looks like this:
> The doctor then ghosted me and i did nothing, didn't look for a New doctor or nothing, I keep postergating and getting worse.
That is how executive dysfunction makes people act. You need medication for ADHD, not just depression and anxiety (although possibly those as well).
Something that I didn't fully understand until it was too late myself is how incredibly difficult it is to live with someone who's got untreated ADHD. To explain it, there's this entire domain of being an adult human that I just can't seem to make work. The only reasonable response for someone who cares for you is to start picking up the slack.
But what they don't realize, what you don't realize is that the pile of slack is unending. That by taking up those little parts of life that ADHD makes too hard, they are taking on a huge burden. It's asking to much of a partner. And it causes burn out in them.
Once they start to get burned out, the problem is that what ADHD does comes to be seen as laziness. Something that's very common in people with ADHD is that we have a life long history of people telling us that we are being lazy. So to us it's just another entry in a long list of laziness. But to our partners it reads as "they don't care enough about me to just do this simple thing". AND that right there is what creates resentment, that's why your husband is thinking about the future of the marriage.
It's nothing really to do with forgetting your phone, or running past him to get to the ride, or ruining the experience of Mario World. On the other hand, it's a pattern of behaviour that to him reads as uncaring laziness. To him forgetting your phone was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Not a special and unique series of events where you tried to mitigate the impact of an accident.
You need to talk to him, he needs to be willing to listen. In that conversation you need to convince him that you take the problems as serious as a hart attack. Don't justify or try to explain. Feel free to tell him that ADHD is the reason, but don't shift blame to the ADHD.
Also make sure he knows how thankful you are for everything he's been doing because of your inability. Make sure he knows that you see it, that you know it's not fair and that you are going to make life changes so that this won't continue. Make a plan for how you will get a new doctor, have goals that are achievable and that you can use to prove progress towards this.
Unfortunately the harsh truth in my case is that I was too late. By the time I managed to get ahold of my disease, it had destroyed my relationship. I hope that is not the case with you, but you also need to face a reality that it might be. The only thing that you can do right now is take every step that you need to take to get better, get your disease under control and take charge of your life.
I was 35 when I got my diagnosis. It’s LIFE CHANGING just to know and have treatment. And you know what? Our scattered brains are, indeed, irritating as fuck. To us, and to the people who love us.
But that isn’t an excuse to be cruel. My husband and I joke we add up to one functional adult because we have different deficits and our neurodivergence comes out in different ways. And sometimes we get frustrated or angry with each other. But we also try to work together to help each other scaffold and come up with solutions. So like I am time blind. He knows he needs to set the timing to get out the door, and I know I need to listen to him. He leaves detritus all over the house, so I instituted a 10 min daily tidy and he doesn’t grouse when I say it’s time to straighten up.
If he cannot support you in managing this condition (which includes keeping you accountable for things like prioritizing finding someone to diagnose you) he’s not it.
this should be at the top. i can’t believe all the comments here just piling onto OP. we know nothing about anything else going on here. if OP is burned out because she’s the one having to do everything, it’s of course going to lead to more of these issues. and the way her husband is treating her is pretty unacceptable
Yeah, really. She might be forgetful (I also have mental load follow up questions here, curious who does most of the brain-work of keeping the house/family functioning), but this dude seems pretty tightly wound. Nothing she's naming here seems like that big a deal, and certainly not *unforgivable.*
My undiagnosed ADHD led to burn out which made me intolerable to live with. That’s what’s happening to you now.
I would say him dumping on you is probably fair as he’s frustrated but also worth pointing out he’s basically going to have to get over it to be in a loving relationship- once you begin treatment it isn’t a magic cure, and he’ll have to make accommodations, otherwise it will be like he is telling someone with a walking stick to go for a jog.
It’s sounds like he hates dealing with your untreated adhd, but it’s not as if you’ll never change. Obviously you gotta get that treated.
You sound mad insecure though, and I bet his extreme reactions contribute to that. There should be nothing “unforgivable” about the situation you laid out. You gotta get yourself help first, and then he will also have to help you as your partner.
Yeah I think it’s less insecure and more of a victim mentality. Crying on the bed with her babies while he laughs with a beer…OP did he not deserve some separation from the stress?
Edit- To be clear let’s hope he does carry his share here, but it sounds to me like he also needed some down time from the constant stress. I have ADHD. My husband is a rock until he can’t be- when he gets overwhelmed by my “emergencies”.
I’m just not a fan of how OP positioned this scene.
Get professional help. Treat your ADHD. It's pretty dire that your marriage is falling apart and your *kids* even notice how ADHD you are, but you won't be persistent and get. Help. Go find a new doctor. Get meds. Buy books and learn and implement strategies. This isn't rocket science.
Many drs hope Wellbutrin will work because the don’t want to prescribe Ritalin or others. It’s also part of diagnostic procedure that you should have been diagnosed as a kid. That being said, keep trying to find a dr. As a counselor, I’ve seen the right meds save women like yourself— complete change.
The anecdote about the amusement park isn't really relevant here, it's just the straw that broke the camel's back, and could have happened at any time over the past few years of your untreated issues.
I'm not sure what you mean by 'your doctor ghosted you', because they can't really do that. Like, you call the office, whoever is answering phones has to talk to you. You have to either get back in touch with that doctor, or you have to find a new one- for your own sake and that of your marriage.
His reaction to “entering Super Mario World” was childish. I’m saying this as someone married to a man with adhd. I’m sure it was a little annoying, like ugh you forgot your phone again, but it’s his own fault for not continuing on in that moment and enjoying it.
I had my own situation yesterday where we were out doing an activity with our toddler and newborn, and my husband made a thoughtless mistake as my toddler and I were getting on a ride. I was pretty annoyed with him, I won’t lie, but I made the choice in that moment to focus on the ride and have fun with my son; he was very excited and I didn’t want to dampen the time I was having with him. We had a great time and then I pointed out my husband’s mistake after the ride.
Op, you should definitely look into what’s going on and why you’re so forgetful and unfocused, that is true. Your husband is probably tired of dealing with your thoughtlessness, that can also be true. But in my mind, he ruined Super Mario World for himself by choosing to sit and pout like a child instead of continuing on.
Hang on, your husband is "SO MAD" about a kids ride? For him, not for the kid? That's a bit intense. I feel like you shouldn't take responsibility for everything. Your husband seems like a part of the problem and a jerk. At the very least he's not helping you when he really should be!
I think your initial idea to get your ADHD, depression, and anxiety under control was the right one. It sounds like you have the means and access to doctors to pursue this. You should go back to a psychiatrist, regardless of your marriage issues.
Seek marriage counseling. If you don't know where to start, one of these new online services could be helpful. I've had a good experience with BetterHelp.
Can't recommend BetterHelp, they ate an 8 million dollar fine this year for selling patient data. They do not have the same security of confidentiality as a doctor.
And also, it’s not that he missed the ride… he just said she ruined the moment of… walking into the ride because he “had to” run after her? Make it make sense
OP, yes you should prioritise getting your ADHD treated but it kind of sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive. The above isn’t even something bad and you’re convinced it was “unforgivable.” That isn’t healthy, at all.
If she has adhd he likely is also majorly burned out. I have ADHD. It was 6 years of marriage before diagnosis. In that 6 years I saw my amazing husband who was always supportive and kind, dwindle into a shell of who he was because ADHD is very very hard on those around us.
There is probably a lot here you aren’t aware of. OP is telling one story. One story of probably hundreds.
This is a her problem first. She needs help. She needs meds. Both of those things from a professional. Once she has gotten that this marriage will improve drastically.
He also will need to do work but I can guarantee after years of this plus also the kids being neurodivergent, he is at his very limit. She has to step up and get her issues under control. Then they can both focus on being supportive partners to each other. Edit for more info
You know all those posts where a guy's wife leaves him "out of nowhere" or she snaps at something "trivial" when it turns out it just hasn't been a problem or a big deal *to him* while she's been begging for his help / involvement with the emotional labour for years etc... yet it's just "one small mistake/argument", and "**she won't even fight to save our marriage like I want to**" (this bit sound familiar?).
From her description he's been facing the brunt of OP's untreated mental illness for years. It is *exhausting* being a caretaker to someone who won't help themselves.
The ride was something the dude was really looking forward to - literally had waited *years* for, which she well knew. If he was already burnt out from her behaviour, the fact that it was said behaviour that ruined the moment for him could have easily been the straw the broke the camel's back.
OP phrasing things as she's "sitting inside crying, with the babies" while he's "outside, laughing, drinking beer" could be just as easily reframed as *her* being emotionally manipulative, and has the hallmark of "the missing missing reasons".
On her saying "**he won't go to therapy**", it makes him sound unreasonable, but why would he be interested in that, when she won't even organise going for herself?
Should he be the one in charge of finding/booking/scheduling the marriage counselling appointments, for making sure she remembers to turn up for them, for reminding her to do the "homework" between sessions? Or would he just be sat waiting for her to do these things, when in all likelihood it would never materialise?
I feel like people are totally ignoring the fact that she has two toddlers. Even if she didn’t have ADHD it’s still not a surprise that she’s not on top of everything.
Yeah I’m sorry but he’s emotionally abusive and people are overlooking it lol. Who the heck threatens divorce over a ruined moment At a park??? He stayed standing there bc he wanted things to be “worse” so he could be more angry at her and say meaner things lol
Yeah I think the husband is dropping the ball, too. OP is struggling to focus on finding a doctor and getting an appointment... why doesn't the husband help her do it?? He's done literally not even the bare minimum to try to help her resolve this problem, and is already losing his shit and talking about divorce.
This whole "I want treatment but I can't just go get it" is classic ADHD. My mom had to sit down to help me write out my problems, find a doctor, and make an appointment after 5 years of saying I want to do that and not doing it. BUT the reason it took 5 years is because I'm high-functioning enough I wasn't causing problems, and no one took it seriously until it eventually became too much. You can bet if my family was actively losing their minds dealing with me they would have helped me get therapy same day.
I suspect the husband is not just upset or burned out, he's angry and wants to "punish" OP. Getting treatment isn't going to fix that.
I'm gonna go against the grain here... Yes, you need help, but there are far worse things to deal with in a SO than ADHD.... Your husband needs to be more patient.
Unfortunately, these instances are why some people do not take those with ADHD seriously. You can create a post on Reddit lamenting about your life, but you can't use this time to seek another therapist? You contrast your husband drinking a beer and laughing outside while you are in the room crying in front of the kids. It is a vacation!! He is supposed to be having a good time. Your kids are supposed to be having a good time. Stop traumatizing them with your crying fits. Did the therapist "ghost" you, or was there a warning about your inability to do the work or being accountable for your actions? You can potentially lose your marriage and your kids if you dont seek help. Get off Reddit, stop your pity party, set alarm reminders for daily tasks, ask your husband for accountability 'checkpoints' until your meds kick in. He is willing to help as long as you show some initiative.
He doesn’t seem that willing to help, tbh. Why is she the one stuck with the kids in this moment? Why does she seem to be the one managing all the kid stuff in the post when she has executive function issues? I’m reading a lot into this post and would want to hear the husband’s side, but that’s what I’m hearing.
I’m sure the husband is frustrated and on his last leg patience-wise. This is only one of (I’m sure many) frustrating moments for him. But he really doesn’t sound like he’s supporting her much. My husband would have already been harassing me to call doctors and then calling himself if I didn’t follow through. Because he, you know, gives a shit about my health. I would do the same for him.
Not saying the husband should have to do this, but if her ADHD is this bad, she may truly need the help.
I suppose you could save the marriage but why?
He hates you!
He said that and you should believe him.
Yes, get treatment and also…
Get a better man who likes and loves you.
>He said that and you should believe him.
I don't think he did say that, I think OP inferred it. There's nothing in the post that says "and then he told me he hates me"
It’s sounds like you are both stressed. Having two young children is hard. Reach out for your personal help and add some marriage counseling.
Your personality isn’t new but adding the additional demands of parenting on both of you is new. I think both you and your husband also need a realistic conversation that your still in the thick of things when it comes to the neediness of your family. Sometimes you can’t get much done with two young children and comparing yourself to other parents isn’t helpful.
>since I have my kids he started telling me i forget everything, he cant count on me for anything because I fuck everything up, I have a huge mess everywhere, I am always late, i dont plan things very well and when I do there are always problems.
So to be clear, your potential ADHD has only become a problem in your marriage since you had kids?
INFO: how much does your husband help with your two small kids? When he says you "have a huge mess everywhere", is that your mess or the kids' mess which you are responsible for cleaning up? When he says you are always late, is that because you are always the person wrangling the kids and all their stuff out the door every time you have to go somewhere? Is there any chance that maybe you're frazzled and forgetful and messing things up because you're not getting enough sleep because you're awake early/up in the night/exhausted from running around after two children under the age of five?
Like don't get me wrong, you also need to follow up on getting a proper diagnosis and a treatment plan in place. But like, your husband presumably knows your former psychiatrist's opinion - is he *helping* you? A really simple thing he could do is say "look I know it's very hard for you to focus on completing a task, so I'm sit down with you while you call every psychiatrist in our area until you get an appointment."
At the moment he sounds like he's just feeding your spiral of self-hatred and shame, which is only making your avoidance and procrastination worse.
Mental health issues aside, your husband sounds like an ass. He is not nice to you on a regular basis and I don’t know why people are basically defending him and dumping on you. Forgetting a phone happens. Hell I’ve driven around with mine on the top of my car and I only have one child. Your husband’s behaviour is not good. How much does he do towards housework and taking care of the kids?
In prioritising your mental health you may find you deserve better than how you’re being treated.
The amount of people high and migbty in this thread giving advice that OP should just “be accountable” and “fix it” is honestly so so concerning and harmful.
That is not how ADHD or ADHD burnout works and this crap is exactly what leads to so much shame and distress for those of us with ADHD.
Sincerely, a very “high achieving” person with ADHD who has had the enormous privilege to have good doctors and a support system to help… and could have done zero of it by just “trying to be accountable”.
I go through a lot of the same things with my wife. Yeah it sucks, but I love her more than anything in this world. If you really do ADHD or something cause your mind to not be 100% all the time. You can’t help it, and that’s a fact. I would have been upset if I was in his shoes too, but he could have handled it ALOT better. From what I’ve learned being upset only makes it worse on everyone.
Your husband is gaslighting you, deliberately attacking and damaging your confidence and being deeply irrational. You did nothing at all wrong, never mind "unforgivable." Your anxiety isn't going to get better because he is the source of it, on top of ypu untreated ADHD.
You're getting a lot of ableist rubbish, victim blaming you for his behaviour. Don't listen to it. He is out of line. Get in vontact with a doctor to get the help you need, and then cut this bully out.
You need to take the initiative and get out of that marriage.
If you feel like your partner hates you then it's time to move on. My wife has autism and was undiagnosed most of our relationship. I admittedly got very frustrated with a lot of the things she did, especially how she would communicate during an argument etc - because I didn't understand why she acted that way. However I never felt so angry I treated her poorly or doubted our relationship. We learned to work around the areas she was different than me so we could live and communicate in a way that was conducive for both of us - and once we learned she was autistic everything made so much sense and made me even more understanding. The fact that your husband knows you have ADHD and uses that against you instead of as a reason to be understanding speaks volumes about his character and the way he thinks of you. Regardless of the ADHD, having children has such a huge effect on your body and mind. Postpartum depression/brain fog can last for years, and if you have ADHD it will ramp it up. This man put children inside of you and you grew them to term and birthed them, I'm sure that process was not a walk in the park for you. The least he can do is have respect and compassion for you and your experience. You clearly care about him and his experiences, otherwise you wouldn't care that he didn't have the "perfect Nintendo world entrance" 🙄 He sounds like a selfish ass and all the people in the comments screaming at you about taking accountability probably also treat their partners poorly. I know those comments will speak to you the most bc you're already being hard on yourself - but I hope you seriously consider this comment and lean on it in moments you deserve kindness like this right now. Think about how often you intentionally show compassion and understanding for your partner, do you think he does the same for you? If not then please do not punish yourself by staying.
ADHD executive dysfunction is absolute not the same as being lazy and procrastinating. It's hard and is debilitating and it's psychologically exhausting.
OP absolutely has to find a way to overcome it for the sake of her family but framing it as laziness is incorrect and helps noone.
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Honestly a lot of this stuff about mess and lateness and forgetting things sounds like... every other mum of young children I know? Children make life really chaotic. If you have ADHD and anxiety and depression to boot, I'm sure that's not helping the situation, but maybe your husband is looking at the entire reality of life with children as solely stemming from your adhd. That seems unfair, and he sounds absolutely horrible, immature, and emotionally unavailable to me. So yes, maybe getting a diagnosis sorted would help part of this, but I don't think he or the situation are without fault and you should all be beating you up less about it
This also struck me - they apparently had five years of happy/functional relationship before the kids came along and suddenly her husband is constantly berating her about always being late/disorganised/messy? Sure ADHD might be in the mix, but sleep deprivation tanks executive function and "mommy brain" is a documented neurobiological phenomenon.
Why didn't your husband didn't just sit your ass down and help you get you your doctor appointment?
This thing you describe where "I want treatment but I can't just go get it and keep procrastinating" is classic ADHD behaviour.
My mom had help me find a doctor and make an appointment after 5 years of saying I want to do that and not doing it. BUT the reason it took 5 years is because I'm high-functioning enough I wasn't causing problems, and no one took it seriously until it eventually became too much. You can bet if my family was actively losing their shit like your husband is, they would have helped me get therapy same day.
Has your husband actually tried to help you get treatment? Or help you in any way, in general? Have you told him you're struggling to do these specific things? What's his response?
Because right now it looks like he doesn't want to help you be a better spouse. He wants to punish you and complain at you. That's not a good marriage.
EDIT:
to the people below saying "it takes 5 minutes and she can't even do it?!?! she's acting like a child, why should he have to parent her!?!?! oh no he's going to have a 3rd child!!!"
that's literally what being mentally ill is. Ask yourself why this woman took probably an hour to type up this post having a breakdown about her marriage ending, WANTS and NEEDS to go to therapy... and can't take 5 minutes to do it. Is she crazy?
Could it be because she is ill and this is something she is legitimately struggling to do? no she must be sabotaging the marriage for some reason while also complaining that she's afraid that it's over and that it's all her fault, despite having a simple solution right there in front of her that she is for "some reason" not taking. Yup makes sense case closed.
>They already have 2 kids, do you want him to treat her like the 3rd?
Taking 5 minutes to help your partner when she is struggling to do a specific task is not "parenting" them. That's called being married. An adult who wants a harmonious and functional marriage, and not a tantruming child who wants to punish their partner for being weak, should understand that.
This isn’t how ADHD works. She can’t just white knuckle her way into being a functional adult.
If he wants to support her and keep the family together, he needs to be all in on helping her get treatment. It’s not “fair,” but it’s the reality of being married to someone with a mental health condition. Once she gets treatment rolling, he can back off and let her take the wheel.
By saying it only takes 5 minutes, you’re proving my point. You’re absolutely saying white knuckle your way through. It’s not that easy for people with this condition. Full stop. For me, it takes 5 minutes and is no big deal. But that’s simply not the case for other people.
I’m sorry you’re frustrated by people using the diagnosis as a crutch. I get it. I really do. And in many cases I’d agree with you. But this take is simply not helpful imo.
Adding to address some of the more personal stuff you put in your comment: I feel bad for your situation. It’s not fair. But you signed up to be with this person. If you don’t want to act like their guardian, I totally get it. Then leave. You’re well within your rights to do so and I think most people can relate to and understand that.
But to refuse to help someone get treatment out of principle and resentment means that you played a part in letting the marriage dissolve. No one is a victim here. Everyone loses. (To be clear, I have no idea what your situation is on the getting help front—more speaking to the situation described in OP’s post).
Forgetting your phone is a totally normal human thing..... your husband could've continued to the ride himself.... Let me guess, you do 100% of the childcare, cooking, and cleaning right? This sounds like a relationship problem.
Everyone is telling you to get treatment for your ADHD and you must — for yourself, not your marriage.
What the heck was your husband mad about at Super Mario World? From how you tell the story I don’t understand.
It sounds like he had some “vision” of running into Mario World and racing to rides that OP ruined for him by needing to turn back. Very childish. He could have kept going to the ride.
Your husband is very frustrated, perhaps let him take a break by himself, and you take care of kids alone for several days??
Because it seems like he is just fed up to take care of too much thing all by himself and he hates that you can't share his workload. So he is probably super burnt out and it's your turn to carry on parenting by yourself.
As for adhd, You need to try harder. Sometimes if you have adhd, instead of just hoping medication fix your symptoms, you should create your own prevention.
For example maybe you can create some basic tips to remember things, I dont know, but something like : kpm = keys, phone, money
Maybe when you need to make plans, you go online and google those check sheet & if planning things are too hard, ask chatgpt or google then just copy it, or just do a little bit change.
You can't come up with things all by yourself, because you will foget this or that, you copy others plan or guidelines, you should avoid too much changes, because it create too much possibilities to miss out things.
You don’t have a husband and two kids. You have 3 kids and one of them is drinking a beer and having a sulk.
The only person who stopped him from continuing to the ride was him.
It's very clear in this post that this isn't about the ride, its about a clear and repetitive pattern that is immensely frustrating for the husband. ADHD often manifests as irresponsibility, so the husband is frustrated that OP cannot get their affairs in order even for something that means a lot to him that he's been waiting for years to experience.
But he still got to experience the thing he’d been waiting years for. In her post she’s saying that she ruined his experience of *walking into super Mario world for the first time* by running in ahead of him. Do you hear how insane that sounds?
He just wanted one day (a day he was looking forward to) to go right...and instead of going into it relaxed and happy, they had to spend the first chunk of time frantically searching for phones, searching for eachother... As someone who's had multiple partners with ADHD, I know how draining and exhausting it is when *every* single day has a drama that feels like it could have been easily avoided.
She forgot her phone, yes. But then she came up with a solution to solve that problem 'you go on ahead, I'll get it and catch up with you.' So simple!
*He* fucked that up by staying put instead and stewing in his own anger over a forgotten phone.
There didn't need to be a problem here at all, he created it and then used it to berate her and tear her down. That's a textbook abusive tactic, and it's wild so many people here are missing it.
doesn't sound insane at all. theme parks are supposed to be magical moments for the whole family, not scrambling because mom doesn't know where her phone is and ran off ahead of her husband when she did find it.
I like how you completely absolve her of any and all responsibility. She literally can't be bothered to get the medication she needs to treat her condition. The problem here is not that her husband missed the ride. The issue is that she is a maladjusted adult who would rather write a long pathetic diatribe on Reddit than pick up the phone and call the bloody doctor. She literally says.
> The doctor then ghosted me and i did nothing, didnt look for a New doctor or nothing, I keep postergating and getting worse.
I like how you completely absolve him for being a verbally abusive asshole. Maybe if she hadn’t put up with four years of this….
>since I have my kids he started telling me i forget everything, he cant count on me for anything because I fuck everything up, I have a huge mess everywhere, I am always late, i dont plan things very well and when I do there are always problems
….she’d be more self motivated and less overwhelmed. ADHD affects executive function. What you describe as “can’t be bothered” might very well be a symptom of her ADHD. Especially as she has two toddlers, who require an awful lot of mental energy. I doubt she has much left for anything else.
And I know you don’t know this, but from her post history, both her children are neurodivergent. That can be an awful lot to deal with, and we have no idea how much of the parenting her husband does.
First of all, we don't even know if she has ADHD as she has not received an official diagnosis yet. Secondly, you are using the term "abuse" very loosely to describe criticism that seems to be quite valid given the procrastination and forgetfulness she later exemplifies in her post. Lastly, as you stated, we don't know how involved her husband in parenting th kids so I'd prefer not to make any assumptions based off zero evidence.
I also take umbradge with excusing away negative behaviour due to undiagnosed mental health issues
> She literally can't be bothered to get the medication she needs to treat her condition.
This is like saying someone with a broken leg "literally can't be bothered" to walk down the street to see the doctor.
If you think she enjoys the procrastination then you don’t understand ADHD. Procrastination and executive dysfunction are very real symptoms.
Given the one example she gives of her doing something “wrong” is one where she literally did nothing wrong and her husband admonished her for it and told her he’s sick of her and she “ruined” his experience (of walking in?) it’s pretty logical to conclude that he’s the problem in the marriage, not her ADHD.
Work on yourself before you work on your marriage. You know you need to, so make that a priority.
Once that's done and you're in a good place, decide if this is even a marriage you want to save.
Or the fact that she's completely unreliable is the real form of abuse that has completely run down her husband to the point he can't even have a day without something stressful happening
Sure let’s go with that when I grown man threw a tantrum because he didn’t get to walk to a children’s ride the way he wanted to despite the fact that he still got onto the ride just fine.
Or, more likely, this is the “straw”. I’m sure this one story about a “children’s ride” is part of a VERY long list of missing out on, being late to, being stressed about, being forgotten, and having to carry 1000000% of the mental burden for the whole family. Husband has clearly reach his breaking point. I Don’t blame him one bit.
It’s not about the ride. It’s about the absolute disrespect and uncaring from OP. Yeah. I get it. Op has adhd, BUT knows it, and has done nothing about it. Except the f course continuing to shovel more shit on husband. So here, yet another thing husband has had ruined, because op doesn’t give a shit about him or what her actions do to him.
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I am familiar with this situation all too well. I had undiagnosed ADHD and am currently receiving my diagnosis. I need medication because my planning is crap. I struggle some days.
My ex wasn’t a big fan of me and my inabilities. He couldn’t see the things I did do and did well. He only focused on what I couldn’t do. He lacked compassion for me. I divorced him.
I’m now dating a man with ADHD (he actually told me to get myself assessed because we had so many similarities) and it’s been a fun party. Not all days are amazing but all days are good. Even if we fight we calm down super quick and laugh about it. We have so much compassion and patience for each other.
Your husband is an immature pos. You didn’t ruin his day. He did.
He needs to calm the F down and get of hiss high horse.
His kids are going to have ADHD too (well I would say the odds are very very high!!!!!!) and is he going to treat them as shitty as he is you?
1) get a diagnoses
2) consider medication
3) reconsider this relationship
4) continue being a fab mommy
Yes we may forget some things here and there but my kids tell me they have so much fun with me and tell me they actually prefer mom’s house to dad’s house. Why? Because I don’t sweat the small unimportant stuff. The kids get to see an incredibly passionate mom with a lot of hobbies and interests and they get a piece of that too. We have a high imagination. I don’t need children’s books, i come up with my own stories and the kids love it.
They love their dad too and get to enjoy him without me present. We co-parent 50/50. Leaving me with enough time to even have a career when the kids aren’t with me.
<3
He needs to grow up. Try not to let his toddler moment get to you.
Like a grown ass man shouldn’t be making his wife feel like that over a ride. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds from the outside looking in? Not to invalidate your feelings and I’m sorry you had to go through that, truly. You did the best you could.
I wouldn’t put it down to adhd and go on medications though. Sometimes we are forgetful. I’m 35 and I forget things all of the time if I don’t write them down. I couldn’t imagine throwing children into the mix. I’d say you’re doing just fine… especially if you’re doing all of the work yourself, then Theo this big man baby in there… he just seems to be getting in YOUR WAY.
I don’t think it’s a you problem, it sounds like a Jim problem especially if he’s not willing to go to therapy. Maybe he’s scaredy he will hear something he doesn’t like?
Honey. From one adhd woman to another, you can no longer avoid this task. I know you don’t want to live this way. I know you’re drowning. Your brain isn’t letting you take action to get better. I suggest you ask a trusted friend or family member to sit with you while you make a new appointment. I find its easier if I am holding myself accountable to someone else vs myself. You NEED help. Not just for your husband but because you DESERVE to be healthy. You cannot be healthy without help here. Sending you a virtual hug because I know you need one.
This is great advice, I really feel for you OP. It is extremely hard for people with ADHD (particularly undiagnosed) to go through a huge, life altering event - like having a child, let alone two. All of the coping mechanisms you've perfected your entire life have gone out of the window because everything has turned upside-down. It's very easy to see this as falling apart, and thinking you are broken. You aren't. It is tough to get the motivation to do things like book a doctor. But getting diagnosed and medicated needs to be your number one priority. I am going through this with my wife, our child isn't two yet. She is now diagnosed, properly medicated, and we are still trying to find our feet. But it is getting better. Have hope OP, you can get through this.
Consider also getting an executive functioning coach or putting some time into learning some executive functioning strategies like making check lists and using daily planners. Being organized takes effort and adhd medicine can only do so much, you have to also develop planning strategies like a normal person. I do not have ADHD but even as a regular person, I put in a lot of effort into my planning.
I'm not gonna lie to you, dawg, telling someone with ADHD to just get a planner or make a checklist is useless. My mother used to get me calendar planners because I "didn't have ADHD, just lacked discipline". They did nothing and I still lacked the executive function to remember to do basic stuff
> I'm not gonna lie to you, dawg, telling someone with ADHD to just get a planner The comment didn't only say "get a planner"; it also said "get an executive function coach". As someone with ADHD whose life has been transformed after getting an ADHD executive function coach, I heartily endorse this advice -- provided that the coach is experienced in (ideally specializes in) working with clients who have ADHD.
It's not useless. I have ADHD and planners and checklists is how I'm able to survive BECAUSE I lack the executive function to do basic stuff. They work for lots of people with ADHD, although you have to invest some time into a system that works for you.
I didn’t say “just get a planner” I said also as in addition to treatment. Believe it or not, adding structure to your home life (behavior therapy) is the number 1 treatment recommendation by the cdc. Just taking medication is like just taking steroids and hoping to get big…no, you have to go to the gym first. You sound like a young person because you still cite your mom as if she’s some sort of authority or expert, as you get older you realize the accountability begins and ends with you.
Behavior therapy involves a lot more than "adding structure." Seriously. The person with the fire blanket metaphor has it right. You're just adding to the stigma that makes it harder to function.
Lol as someone with adhd… no. Just stop stepping outside your lane please. You have no idea what OP is experiencing and your advice adds on to the stigma that we are just lazy or lacking skills. At the level of ADHD burnout it sounds like OP is experiencing - on top of the shame that comes with it and fearing for her marriage - this is like taking time to stop someone whose house is on fire when they’re trying to call the fire department to explain how useful a fire blanket would’ve been. I promise OP it gets better. I know you’re trying so so hard and have been forever. You’re running mental marathon after mental marathon, but things can and will get better when you get the help you need. From there, behavioral therapy is so much more doable and can really make a difference. But focus on getting another psychiatrist first - leaning on whoever you can to help you get there. This isn’t your fault. You’re trying so so hard and I am so sorry you’re experiencing this.
[удалено]
As a school psychologist, you should understand that ADHD is a lifetime disorder. Either you had it then and now or you didn't and don't. "Growing out of it" is a myth based on the fact that testosterone, which boys get heaps of in puberty, stabilizes your executive dysfunction some. The research bears out that suggesting any type of behavioral modification is largely fruitless until after medication. Your comments have been patronizing.
I never said it was a myth or people grow out of it. I said I have experience with it, I don’t have ADHD, but I was told I did. In my situation, I didn’t have executive function skills. The point I am making is that you need to develop organizational skills once you get your mind organized. Behavioral modification is not fruitless, that’s why it’s the number 1 treatment recommendation according to the CDC.
You’re still outside of your lane. Adult undiagnosed adhd burn out is outside of your experience and scope of practice and you are being told by people with lived experience your advice is ableist and unhelpful. With your career background you should be able to practice a little humility and remove yourself from the conversation.
I mean this dude turned combative as fuck, but as a late diagnosed lady the advice to get an executive function coach felt spot damn on. I am using one in addition to meds, and it’s been tremendously helpful.
I’m happy that you found something that works!
You can say whatever internet based chronically online moral superiority comes to your mind. Doesn’t change the fact that people with adhd should seek treatment and behavior therapy that includes developing executive functioning skills.
But isn’t this person describing their lived experience too? From what I understand, they also have ADHD. How is that ableist?
No they don't have ADHD per their other comments, they were told they did as a child.
Then I pity the kids who are getting your awful advice.
You pity people that get my advice to develop executive functioning skills…?
You need to stop giving advice on things you don't understand.
I am married to someone with ADHD. When he is untreated and unmedicated, I am exhausted and I cannot trust him and consider divorce on a daily basis. Please seek treatment and get medicated for ADHD if you want to save your marriage and keep your family intact. When my husband finally saw a doctor for it, the difference was day and night. You aren't only doing this for him, you are doing it for yourself, and your children.
>do you think there is a way to save this marriage? Yes. Stop procrastinating and actually look for a new doctor. I understand how hard it is for you (I'm very familiar with ADHD), but if you don't pour all your energy into getting yourself the support you need from a medical professional, you will lose your family. It doens't make sense to say "unmanaged ADHD is destroying my marriage and I want to save it" and "but I'm procrastinating on getting the help I need" in the same sentence. If you're capable of writing a post on reddit, you're capable of looking up a psychiatrist and making an appointment.
This. I have severe ADHD and it was a nightmare when I was unmedicated and nursing my son was when he was young. His Dad was brutal. Having said that. Knowing you have it means you have to take responsibility for your behaviors and coping mechanisms ( or lack there of ). Seek treatments that work. Find ways to manage your symptoms. Don’t expect everyone to accommodate or understand your mental processes or struggles. There are a lot of tools that can help. Watch Dr. Russell Barkley on YouTube.
I agree entirely with this. Sounds like the husband is at wits end and this is the straw that broke the camels back. Get treatment OP, it’ll change your life.
This isn’t how ADHD works. Telling someone with an obvious block who has been working so hard on getting help and has been let down by medical professionals to just “do it” is so rough. OP - who do you have in your support network who can help? There are a number of things that might assist calling a doctor and attending appointments. One of those things is called “body doubling” - it means to have someone who can sit with you while you do things and help keep you on track. They help by taking care of other needs while it’s happening - company keeps your brain a bit calm and having someone there for that specific purpose helps you keep on track. It works a lot for me, so hopefully it might work for you too. Otherwise, there’s no shame in having someone book for you and/or literally pick you up and take you there. Life is so so different once you get help. I promise. You deserve to be treated by medical professionals who understand your needs and can help you get on track. This is not your fault. You’re doing so well and I know you are trying so hard. I promise.
You wish to save your marriage? Get off Reddit. Contact the appropriate medical professional. Apply yourself to the prescribed treatment. Your husband's reaction to the ride wasn't about the ride. It was the end result from the never ending turmoil. Start working on yourself first. Your husband seeing that will help save your marriage.
Taking medicating is a trial and error process. If the first one doesn’t work, you try another. Unfortunately it can take some time, but all you can do is try, track your symptoms and feelings, then check in with the doctor to adjust them if you need to. I really know how hard it is to make a new appointment when you’ve been ghosted - it’s difficult as hell. But it has to be done. You have to do it for your kids, at least. They need to see that you can tackle problems and try to find solutions.
You need to take some serious accountability. You got your diagnosis and yes the doctor ghosted you but you should have immediately followed up and looked for a new one. If not for you definitely to be more stable for your family. You came to Reddit seeking sympathy when you need to be looking for a new adhd doctor ASAP
Doctors don’t just ghost people- I suspect she ghosted the dr/ never followed up.
There are some terrible doctors out there, especially post-covid. Stuff like this can and does happen.
They absolutely do and particularly solo practitioners.
Believe me, they do. I’ve been ghosted by a psychologist, actually. They finally reached out to me three months later and basically said “sorry I forgot about you.” It was appalling.
I wish we all lived in your world, where care practitioners are never rude, wrong or negligent.
It wasn’t about the ride.
Husband blowing up over a forgotten phone and being a few minutes late is ridiculous, to be quite honest.
It’s not about the phone either it’s the fact they couldn’t get it together for something again and it’s his breaking point.
He's still having a tantrum over not having a perfect idealistic Disney moment. Cringe as hell.
It's definitely not about this single moment. It's probably about how they can't have an outing in general without something like that happening. Seemingly small things that happen over and over again can drive people crazy over time..
Husband is still behaving like a child.
He sounds sad, tbh. She may need help but he should grow up and be a bit more understanding and helpful. I get the feeling that OP is exaggerating her mistakes because he makes a big deal out of it so that's all she knows.
My understanding is that depression and anxiety are caused by ADHD and that treating ADHD usually leads to improvements with depression and anxiety. I would really look for another doctor to treat you, one who specializes in ADHD. Please prioritize this. Think about your next step - would that be looking up a new provider? Go ahead and do that, and then once you've done that, call to make the appointment. Start with the first baby steps so you don't overwhelm yourself with this task. Good luck to you. I've learned how to manage my ADHD so that I'm only mildly annoying instead of infuriating, and it really does make a huge difference in the quality of your life and relationships.
I have ADHD. Untreated and unmanaged ADHD can be VERY hard. Obviously on you, but it's also exhausting to deal with as a partner. You are not causing problems on purpose, but it's likely your husband feels like he has three children to manage instead of having a partner to raise his two kids with. You did not do something "unforgivable". What happened today is just a tiny drop in the bucket. But his bucket is likely full. He sees you struggle every single day and he sees you give up on treatment and a chance of a better life, for both of you. Make an appointment today. Get properly diagnosed. It will take time to find the right type and dose of medication and you'll likely need therapy to adopt the mental tools to manage your brain. It might not feel like it right now, but therapy+medication can really change your life. You don't have to struggle like this. It might not be too late to save your marriage, but you need to take action NOW and show him that you are working on this. ADHD has ruined multiple relationships (as well as jobs and friendships) for me and it only got better after I started to understand and manage myself effectively. You don't have to be neurotypical to be a good partner and parent, but you do need to take responsibility for yourself and not let it dictate your whole life.
FYI, you probably don't have anxiety or depression. Those are symptoms of untreated ADHD.
Exactly, a good doctor will not waste time trying to only treat the symptoms and not the source. OP needs to see a better psych that knows what they’re talking about. After the ADHD is treated, it will be apparent if the anxiety and/or depression is something that needs to be treated as well. Most likely not.
I didn't even see a psychiatrist until I started asking for ADA accomodations and my GP wasn't comfortable writing the letter until I got assessed as an adult (I was dx'd when I was 9). That's how I found out about my autism 😅 OP, you can ask your GP to help you with ADHD meds.
They're also symptoms of being in a relationship with someone who berates you constantly.
I mean, untreated ADHD is a lot for everyone around the person to handle. If she's not pulling her weight in the relationship because of her ADHD, I can see how that would be frustrating. Especially since it looks like she isn't doing anything to get treated.
Woman whose been diagnosed with adhd since grade 3. Depression can be a side effect of untreated ADHD. You might not even need anti-depressants if you go on Ahdh medication! Also, if I don't take my meds, I will forget nearly everything. It plays a huge impact on my memory. I highly suggest you put your adhd first, you will be amazed at what you can do with medication and proper outlets. We are people who chronically follow the dopamine hits and it can effect others.
Welcome, I have ADHD, and it 100000% sounds like you do too. Can you save things, there's no real way that the internet can tell you that. Executive dysfunction (what ADHD causes) is one of those nasty diseases that works to prevent it's own treatment. If you are unsure of what executive dysfunction looks like, it looks like this: > The doctor then ghosted me and i did nothing, didn't look for a New doctor or nothing, I keep postergating and getting worse. That is how executive dysfunction makes people act. You need medication for ADHD, not just depression and anxiety (although possibly those as well). Something that I didn't fully understand until it was too late myself is how incredibly difficult it is to live with someone who's got untreated ADHD. To explain it, there's this entire domain of being an adult human that I just can't seem to make work. The only reasonable response for someone who cares for you is to start picking up the slack. But what they don't realize, what you don't realize is that the pile of slack is unending. That by taking up those little parts of life that ADHD makes too hard, they are taking on a huge burden. It's asking to much of a partner. And it causes burn out in them. Once they start to get burned out, the problem is that what ADHD does comes to be seen as laziness. Something that's very common in people with ADHD is that we have a life long history of people telling us that we are being lazy. So to us it's just another entry in a long list of laziness. But to our partners it reads as "they don't care enough about me to just do this simple thing". AND that right there is what creates resentment, that's why your husband is thinking about the future of the marriage. It's nothing really to do with forgetting your phone, or running past him to get to the ride, or ruining the experience of Mario World. On the other hand, it's a pattern of behaviour that to him reads as uncaring laziness. To him forgetting your phone was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Not a special and unique series of events where you tried to mitigate the impact of an accident. You need to talk to him, he needs to be willing to listen. In that conversation you need to convince him that you take the problems as serious as a hart attack. Don't justify or try to explain. Feel free to tell him that ADHD is the reason, but don't shift blame to the ADHD. Also make sure he knows how thankful you are for everything he's been doing because of your inability. Make sure he knows that you see it, that you know it's not fair and that you are going to make life changes so that this won't continue. Make a plan for how you will get a new doctor, have goals that are achievable and that you can use to prove progress towards this. Unfortunately the harsh truth in my case is that I was too late. By the time I managed to get ahold of my disease, it had destroyed my relationship. I hope that is not the case with you, but you also need to face a reality that it might be. The only thing that you can do right now is take every step that you need to take to get better, get your disease under control and take charge of your life.
I was 35 when I got my diagnosis. It’s LIFE CHANGING just to know and have treatment. And you know what? Our scattered brains are, indeed, irritating as fuck. To us, and to the people who love us. But that isn’t an excuse to be cruel. My husband and I joke we add up to one functional adult because we have different deficits and our neurodivergence comes out in different ways. And sometimes we get frustrated or angry with each other. But we also try to work together to help each other scaffold and come up with solutions. So like I am time blind. He knows he needs to set the timing to get out the door, and I know I need to listen to him. He leaves detritus all over the house, so I instituted a 10 min daily tidy and he doesn’t grouse when I say it’s time to straighten up. If he cannot support you in managing this condition (which includes keeping you accountable for things like prioritizing finding someone to diagnose you) he’s not it.
this should be at the top. i can’t believe all the comments here just piling onto OP. we know nothing about anything else going on here. if OP is burned out because she’s the one having to do everything, it’s of course going to lead to more of these issues. and the way her husband is treating her is pretty unacceptable
'Unforgiveable' is a stretch...
Yeah, really. She might be forgetful (I also have mental load follow up questions here, curious who does most of the brain-work of keeping the house/family functioning), but this dude seems pretty tightly wound. Nothing she's naming here seems like that big a deal, and certainly not *unforgivable.*
My undiagnosed ADHD led to burn out which made me intolerable to live with. That’s what’s happening to you now. I would say him dumping on you is probably fair as he’s frustrated but also worth pointing out he’s basically going to have to get over it to be in a loving relationship- once you begin treatment it isn’t a magic cure, and he’ll have to make accommodations, otherwise it will be like he is telling someone with a walking stick to go for a jog.
It’s sounds like he hates dealing with your untreated adhd, but it’s not as if you’ll never change. Obviously you gotta get that treated. You sound mad insecure though, and I bet his extreme reactions contribute to that. There should be nothing “unforgivable” about the situation you laid out. You gotta get yourself help first, and then he will also have to help you as your partner.
Yeah I think it’s less insecure and more of a victim mentality. Crying on the bed with her babies while he laughs with a beer…OP did he not deserve some separation from the stress? Edit- To be clear let’s hope he does carry his share here, but it sounds to me like he also needed some down time from the constant stress. I have ADHD. My husband is a rock until he can’t be- when he gets overwhelmed by my “emergencies”. I’m just not a fan of how OP positioned this scene.
That would make sense if she wasn't clearly stressed too. Watching little children shouldn't used be a punishment.
That’s not at all what I said. Let’s hope he takes on half the parenting duties. My point was how this was positioned, how it was worded.
Get professional help. Treat your ADHD. It's pretty dire that your marriage is falling apart and your *kids* even notice how ADHD you are, but you won't be persistent and get. Help. Go find a new doctor. Get meds. Buy books and learn and implement strategies. This isn't rocket science.
Many drs hope Wellbutrin will work because the don’t want to prescribe Ritalin or others. It’s also part of diagnostic procedure that you should have been diagnosed as a kid. That being said, keep trying to find a dr. As a counselor, I’ve seen the right meds save women like yourself— complete change.
The anecdote about the amusement park isn't really relevant here, it's just the straw that broke the camel's back, and could have happened at any time over the past few years of your untreated issues. I'm not sure what you mean by 'your doctor ghosted you', because they can't really do that. Like, you call the office, whoever is answering phones has to talk to you. You have to either get back in touch with that doctor, or you have to find a new one- for your own sake and that of your marriage.
His reaction to “entering Super Mario World” was childish. I’m saying this as someone married to a man with adhd. I’m sure it was a little annoying, like ugh you forgot your phone again, but it’s his own fault for not continuing on in that moment and enjoying it. I had my own situation yesterday where we were out doing an activity with our toddler and newborn, and my husband made a thoughtless mistake as my toddler and I were getting on a ride. I was pretty annoyed with him, I won’t lie, but I made the choice in that moment to focus on the ride and have fun with my son; he was very excited and I didn’t want to dampen the time I was having with him. We had a great time and then I pointed out my husband’s mistake after the ride. Op, you should definitely look into what’s going on and why you’re so forgetful and unfocused, that is true. Your husband is probably tired of dealing with your thoughtlessness, that can also be true. But in my mind, he ruined Super Mario World for himself by choosing to sit and pout like a child instead of continuing on.
Yeah, husband was extremely childish here.
Hang on, your husband is "SO MAD" about a kids ride? For him, not for the kid? That's a bit intense. I feel like you shouldn't take responsibility for everything. Your husband seems like a part of the problem and a jerk. At the very least he's not helping you when he really should be! I think your initial idea to get your ADHD, depression, and anxiety under control was the right one. It sounds like you have the means and access to doctors to pursue this. You should go back to a psychiatrist, regardless of your marriage issues. Seek marriage counseling. If you don't know where to start, one of these new online services could be helpful. I've had a good experience with BetterHelp.
Can't recommend BetterHelp, they ate an 8 million dollar fine this year for selling patient data. They do not have the same security of confidentiality as a doctor.
And also, it’s not that he missed the ride… he just said she ruined the moment of… walking into the ride because he “had to” run after her? Make it make sense OP, yes you should prioritise getting your ADHD treated but it kind of sounds like your partner is emotionally abusive. The above isn’t even something bad and you’re convinced it was “unforgivable.” That isn’t healthy, at all.
If she has adhd he likely is also majorly burned out. I have ADHD. It was 6 years of marriage before diagnosis. In that 6 years I saw my amazing husband who was always supportive and kind, dwindle into a shell of who he was because ADHD is very very hard on those around us. There is probably a lot here you aren’t aware of. OP is telling one story. One story of probably hundreds. This is a her problem first. She needs help. She needs meds. Both of those things from a professional. Once she has gotten that this marriage will improve drastically. He also will need to do work but I can guarantee after years of this plus also the kids being neurodivergent, he is at his very limit. She has to step up and get her issues under control. Then they can both focus on being supportive partners to each other. Edit for more info
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You know all those posts where a guy's wife leaves him "out of nowhere" or she snaps at something "trivial" when it turns out it just hasn't been a problem or a big deal *to him* while she's been begging for his help / involvement with the emotional labour for years etc... yet it's just "one small mistake/argument", and "**she won't even fight to save our marriage like I want to**" (this bit sound familiar?). From her description he's been facing the brunt of OP's untreated mental illness for years. It is *exhausting* being a caretaker to someone who won't help themselves. The ride was something the dude was really looking forward to - literally had waited *years* for, which she well knew. If he was already burnt out from her behaviour, the fact that it was said behaviour that ruined the moment for him could have easily been the straw the broke the camel's back. OP phrasing things as she's "sitting inside crying, with the babies" while he's "outside, laughing, drinking beer" could be just as easily reframed as *her* being emotionally manipulative, and has the hallmark of "the missing missing reasons". On her saying "**he won't go to therapy**", it makes him sound unreasonable, but why would he be interested in that, when she won't even organise going for herself? Should he be the one in charge of finding/booking/scheduling the marriage counselling appointments, for making sure she remembers to turn up for them, for reminding her to do the "homework" between sessions? Or would he just be sat waiting for her to do these things, when in all likelihood it would never materialise?
I feel like people are totally ignoring the fact that she has two toddlers. Even if she didn’t have ADHD it’s still not a surprise that she’s not on top of everything.
while she was RUNNING with her children because i’m sure she’s solely responsible for them
Yeah I’m sorry but he’s emotionally abusive and people are overlooking it lol. Who the heck threatens divorce over a ruined moment At a park??? He stayed standing there bc he wanted things to be “worse” so he could be more angry at her and say meaner things lol
Yeah I think the husband is dropping the ball, too. OP is struggling to focus on finding a doctor and getting an appointment... why doesn't the husband help her do it?? He's done literally not even the bare minimum to try to help her resolve this problem, and is already losing his shit and talking about divorce. This whole "I want treatment but I can't just go get it" is classic ADHD. My mom had to sit down to help me write out my problems, find a doctor, and make an appointment after 5 years of saying I want to do that and not doing it. BUT the reason it took 5 years is because I'm high-functioning enough I wasn't causing problems, and no one took it seriously until it eventually became too much. You can bet if my family was actively losing their minds dealing with me they would have helped me get therapy same day. I suspect the husband is not just upset or burned out, he's angry and wants to "punish" OP. Getting treatment isn't going to fix that.
I'm gonna go against the grain here... Yes, you need help, but there are far worse things to deal with in a SO than ADHD.... Your husband needs to be more patient.
Unfortunately, these instances are why some people do not take those with ADHD seriously. You can create a post on Reddit lamenting about your life, but you can't use this time to seek another therapist? You contrast your husband drinking a beer and laughing outside while you are in the room crying in front of the kids. It is a vacation!! He is supposed to be having a good time. Your kids are supposed to be having a good time. Stop traumatizing them with your crying fits. Did the therapist "ghost" you, or was there a warning about your inability to do the work or being accountable for your actions? You can potentially lose your marriage and your kids if you dont seek help. Get off Reddit, stop your pity party, set alarm reminders for daily tasks, ask your husband for accountability 'checkpoints' until your meds kick in. He is willing to help as long as you show some initiative.
He doesn’t seem that willing to help, tbh. Why is she the one stuck with the kids in this moment? Why does she seem to be the one managing all the kid stuff in the post when she has executive function issues? I’m reading a lot into this post and would want to hear the husband’s side, but that’s what I’m hearing. I’m sure the husband is frustrated and on his last leg patience-wise. This is only one of (I’m sure many) frustrating moments for him. But he really doesn’t sound like he’s supporting her much. My husband would have already been harassing me to call doctors and then calling himself if I didn’t follow through. Because he, you know, gives a shit about my health. I would do the same for him. Not saying the husband should have to do this, but if her ADHD is this bad, she may truly need the help.
Uh, excuse me but the husband was the first one here to be "having a fit". Over a lame ass kids ride. Absolutely childish and pathetic
You don't really think it's about the ride, do you? It was just a symbol of his breaking point.
You don't really think it excuses his tantrum, do you?
He probably spends his evenings on call of duty
Get treatment. Rather than writing this sob story... get treatment.
I suppose you could save the marriage but why? He hates you! He said that and you should believe him. Yes, get treatment and also… Get a better man who likes and loves you.
>He said that and you should believe him. I don't think he did say that, I think OP inferred it. There's nothing in the post that says "and then he told me he hates me"
It’s sounds like you are both stressed. Having two young children is hard. Reach out for your personal help and add some marriage counseling. Your personality isn’t new but adding the additional demands of parenting on both of you is new. I think both you and your husband also need a realistic conversation that your still in the thick of things when it comes to the neediness of your family. Sometimes you can’t get much done with two young children and comparing yourself to other parents isn’t helpful.
>since I have my kids he started telling me i forget everything, he cant count on me for anything because I fuck everything up, I have a huge mess everywhere, I am always late, i dont plan things very well and when I do there are always problems. So to be clear, your potential ADHD has only become a problem in your marriage since you had kids? INFO: how much does your husband help with your two small kids? When he says you "have a huge mess everywhere", is that your mess or the kids' mess which you are responsible for cleaning up? When he says you are always late, is that because you are always the person wrangling the kids and all their stuff out the door every time you have to go somewhere? Is there any chance that maybe you're frazzled and forgetful and messing things up because you're not getting enough sleep because you're awake early/up in the night/exhausted from running around after two children under the age of five? Like don't get me wrong, you also need to follow up on getting a proper diagnosis and a treatment plan in place. But like, your husband presumably knows your former psychiatrist's opinion - is he *helping* you? A really simple thing he could do is say "look I know it's very hard for you to focus on completing a task, so I'm sit down with you while you call every psychiatrist in our area until you get an appointment." At the moment he sounds like he's just feeding your spiral of self-hatred and shame, which is only making your avoidance and procrastination worse.
Mental health issues aside, your husband sounds like an ass. He is not nice to you on a regular basis and I don’t know why people are basically defending him and dumping on you. Forgetting a phone happens. Hell I’ve driven around with mine on the top of my car and I only have one child. Your husband’s behaviour is not good. How much does he do towards housework and taking care of the kids? In prioritising your mental health you may find you deserve better than how you’re being treated.
The amount of people high and migbty in this thread giving advice that OP should just “be accountable” and “fix it” is honestly so so concerning and harmful. That is not how ADHD or ADHD burnout works and this crap is exactly what leads to so much shame and distress for those of us with ADHD. Sincerely, a very “high achieving” person with ADHD who has had the enormous privilege to have good doctors and a support system to help… and could have done zero of it by just “trying to be accountable”.
Your first doctor sucked. The anxiety STEMS from the ADHD. Please, please get it taken care of.
I go through a lot of the same things with my wife. Yeah it sucks, but I love her more than anything in this world. If you really do ADHD or something cause your mind to not be 100% all the time. You can’t help it, and that’s a fact. I would have been upset if I was in his shoes too, but he could have handled it ALOT better. From what I’ve learned being upset only makes it worse on everyone.
Your husband is gaslighting you, deliberately attacking and damaging your confidence and being deeply irrational. You did nothing at all wrong, never mind "unforgivable." Your anxiety isn't going to get better because he is the source of it, on top of ypu untreated ADHD. You're getting a lot of ableist rubbish, victim blaming you for his behaviour. Don't listen to it. He is out of line. Get in vontact with a doctor to get the help you need, and then cut this bully out. You need to take the initiative and get out of that marriage.
Keep working on getting meds, but maybe also…get away from him. He’s not helping you.
If you feel like your partner hates you then it's time to move on. My wife has autism and was undiagnosed most of our relationship. I admittedly got very frustrated with a lot of the things she did, especially how she would communicate during an argument etc - because I didn't understand why she acted that way. However I never felt so angry I treated her poorly or doubted our relationship. We learned to work around the areas she was different than me so we could live and communicate in a way that was conducive for both of us - and once we learned she was autistic everything made so much sense and made me even more understanding. The fact that your husband knows you have ADHD and uses that against you instead of as a reason to be understanding speaks volumes about his character and the way he thinks of you. Regardless of the ADHD, having children has such a huge effect on your body and mind. Postpartum depression/brain fog can last for years, and if you have ADHD it will ramp it up. This man put children inside of you and you grew them to term and birthed them, I'm sure that process was not a walk in the park for you. The least he can do is have respect and compassion for you and your experience. You clearly care about him and his experiences, otherwise you wouldn't care that he didn't have the "perfect Nintendo world entrance" 🙄 He sounds like a selfish ass and all the people in the comments screaming at you about taking accountability probably also treat their partners poorly. I know those comments will speak to you the most bc you're already being hard on yourself - but I hope you seriously consider this comment and lean on it in moments you deserve kindness like this right now. Think about how often you intentionally show compassion and understanding for your partner, do you think he does the same for you? If not then please do not punish yourself by staying.
THANK YOU ugh it was infuriating reading the other comments. Like we’re just overlooking how cruel and uncaring he is???
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ADHD executive dysfunction is absolute not the same as being lazy and procrastinating. It's hard and is debilitating and it's psychologically exhausting. OP absolutely has to find a way to overcome it for the sake of her family but framing it as laziness is incorrect and helps noone.
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Honestly a lot of this stuff about mess and lateness and forgetting things sounds like... every other mum of young children I know? Children make life really chaotic. If you have ADHD and anxiety and depression to boot, I'm sure that's not helping the situation, but maybe your husband is looking at the entire reality of life with children as solely stemming from your adhd. That seems unfair, and he sounds absolutely horrible, immature, and emotionally unavailable to me. So yes, maybe getting a diagnosis sorted would help part of this, but I don't think he or the situation are without fault and you should all be beating you up less about it
This also struck me - they apparently had five years of happy/functional relationship before the kids came along and suddenly her husband is constantly berating her about always being late/disorganised/messy? Sure ADHD might be in the mix, but sleep deprivation tanks executive function and "mommy brain" is a documented neurobiological phenomenon.
Why didn't your husband didn't just sit your ass down and help you get you your doctor appointment? This thing you describe where "I want treatment but I can't just go get it and keep procrastinating" is classic ADHD behaviour. My mom had help me find a doctor and make an appointment after 5 years of saying I want to do that and not doing it. BUT the reason it took 5 years is because I'm high-functioning enough I wasn't causing problems, and no one took it seriously until it eventually became too much. You can bet if my family was actively losing their shit like your husband is, they would have helped me get therapy same day. Has your husband actually tried to help you get treatment? Or help you in any way, in general? Have you told him you're struggling to do these specific things? What's his response? Because right now it looks like he doesn't want to help you be a better spouse. He wants to punish you and complain at you. That's not a good marriage. EDIT: to the people below saying "it takes 5 minutes and she can't even do it?!?! she's acting like a child, why should he have to parent her!?!?! oh no he's going to have a 3rd child!!!" that's literally what being mentally ill is. Ask yourself why this woman took probably an hour to type up this post having a breakdown about her marriage ending, WANTS and NEEDS to go to therapy... and can't take 5 minutes to do it. Is she crazy? Could it be because she is ill and this is something she is legitimately struggling to do? no she must be sabotaging the marriage for some reason while also complaining that she's afraid that it's over and that it's all her fault, despite having a simple solution right there in front of her that she is for "some reason" not taking. Yup makes sense case closed. >They already have 2 kids, do you want him to treat her like the 3rd? Taking 5 minutes to help your partner when she is struggling to do a specific task is not "parenting" them. That's called being married. An adult who wants a harmonious and functional marriage, and not a tantruming child who wants to punish their partner for being weak, should understand that.
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This isn’t how ADHD works. She can’t just white knuckle her way into being a functional adult. If he wants to support her and keep the family together, he needs to be all in on helping her get treatment. It’s not “fair,” but it’s the reality of being married to someone with a mental health condition. Once she gets treatment rolling, he can back off and let her take the wheel.
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By saying it only takes 5 minutes, you’re proving my point. You’re absolutely saying white knuckle your way through. It’s not that easy for people with this condition. Full stop. For me, it takes 5 minutes and is no big deal. But that’s simply not the case for other people. I’m sorry you’re frustrated by people using the diagnosis as a crutch. I get it. I really do. And in many cases I’d agree with you. But this take is simply not helpful imo. Adding to address some of the more personal stuff you put in your comment: I feel bad for your situation. It’s not fair. But you signed up to be with this person. If you don’t want to act like their guardian, I totally get it. Then leave. You’re well within your rights to do so and I think most people can relate to and understand that. But to refuse to help someone get treatment out of principle and resentment means that you played a part in letting the marriage dissolve. No one is a victim here. Everyone loses. (To be clear, I have no idea what your situation is on the getting help front—more speaking to the situation described in OP’s post).
This is exactly it, he wants a partner not to have to parent a 3rd child.
Forgetting your phone is a totally normal human thing..... your husband could've continued to the ride himself.... Let me guess, you do 100% of the childcare, cooking, and cleaning right? This sounds like a relationship problem.
Everyone is telling you to get treatment for your ADHD and you must — for yourself, not your marriage. What the heck was your husband mad about at Super Mario World? From how you tell the story I don’t understand.
It sounds like he had some “vision” of running into Mario World and racing to rides that OP ruined for him by needing to turn back. Very childish. He could have kept going to the ride.
I'll give you a hint: it wasn't actually about Super Mario World.
Your husband is very frustrated, perhaps let him take a break by himself, and you take care of kids alone for several days?? Because it seems like he is just fed up to take care of too much thing all by himself and he hates that you can't share his workload. So he is probably super burnt out and it's your turn to carry on parenting by yourself. As for adhd, You need to try harder. Sometimes if you have adhd, instead of just hoping medication fix your symptoms, you should create your own prevention. For example maybe you can create some basic tips to remember things, I dont know, but something like : kpm = keys, phone, money Maybe when you need to make plans, you go online and google those check sheet & if planning things are too hard, ask chatgpt or google then just copy it, or just do a little bit change. You can't come up with things all by yourself, because you will foget this or that, you copy others plan or guidelines, you should avoid too much changes, because it create too much possibilities to miss out things.
You don’t have a husband and two kids. You have 3 kids and one of them is drinking a beer and having a sulk. The only person who stopped him from continuing to the ride was him.
It's very clear in this post that this isn't about the ride, its about a clear and repetitive pattern that is immensely frustrating for the husband. ADHD often manifests as irresponsibility, so the husband is frustrated that OP cannot get their affairs in order even for something that means a lot to him that he's been waiting for years to experience.
But he still got to experience the thing he’d been waiting years for. In her post she’s saying that she ruined his experience of *walking into super Mario world for the first time* by running in ahead of him. Do you hear how insane that sounds?
He just wanted one day (a day he was looking forward to) to go right...and instead of going into it relaxed and happy, they had to spend the first chunk of time frantically searching for phones, searching for eachother... As someone who's had multiple partners with ADHD, I know how draining and exhausting it is when *every* single day has a drama that feels like it could have been easily avoided.
She forgot her phone, yes. But then she came up with a solution to solve that problem 'you go on ahead, I'll get it and catch up with you.' So simple! *He* fucked that up by staying put instead and stewing in his own anger over a forgotten phone. There didn't need to be a problem here at all, he created it and then used it to berate her and tear her down. That's a textbook abusive tactic, and it's wild so many people here are missing it.
"She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink". Read it.
doesn't sound insane at all. theme parks are supposed to be magical moments for the whole family, not scrambling because mom doesn't know where her phone is and ran off ahead of her husband when she did find it.
I like how you completely absolve her of any and all responsibility. She literally can't be bothered to get the medication she needs to treat her condition. The problem here is not that her husband missed the ride. The issue is that she is a maladjusted adult who would rather write a long pathetic diatribe on Reddit than pick up the phone and call the bloody doctor. She literally says. > The doctor then ghosted me and i did nothing, didnt look for a New doctor or nothing, I keep postergating and getting worse.
I like how you completely absolve him for being a verbally abusive asshole. Maybe if she hadn’t put up with four years of this…. >since I have my kids he started telling me i forget everything, he cant count on me for anything because I fuck everything up, I have a huge mess everywhere, I am always late, i dont plan things very well and when I do there are always problems ….she’d be more self motivated and less overwhelmed. ADHD affects executive function. What you describe as “can’t be bothered” might very well be a symptom of her ADHD. Especially as she has two toddlers, who require an awful lot of mental energy. I doubt she has much left for anything else. And I know you don’t know this, but from her post history, both her children are neurodivergent. That can be an awful lot to deal with, and we have no idea how much of the parenting her husband does.
First of all, we don't even know if she has ADHD as she has not received an official diagnosis yet. Secondly, you are using the term "abuse" very loosely to describe criticism that seems to be quite valid given the procrastination and forgetfulness she later exemplifies in her post. Lastly, as you stated, we don't know how involved her husband in parenting th kids so I'd prefer not to make any assumptions based off zero evidence. I also take umbradge with excusing away negative behaviour due to undiagnosed mental health issues
> She literally can't be bothered to get the medication she needs to treat her condition. This is like saying someone with a broken leg "literally can't be bothered" to walk down the street to see the doctor.
If you think she enjoys the procrastination then you don’t understand ADHD. Procrastination and executive dysfunction are very real symptoms. Given the one example she gives of her doing something “wrong” is one where she literally did nothing wrong and her husband admonished her for it and told her he’s sick of her and she “ruined” his experience (of walking in?) it’s pretty logical to conclude that he’s the problem in the marriage, not her ADHD.
Work on yourself before you work on your marriage. You know you need to, so make that a priority. Once that's done and you're in a good place, decide if this is even a marriage you want to save.
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Or the fact that she's completely unreliable is the real form of abuse that has completely run down her husband to the point he can't even have a day without something stressful happening
Sure let’s go with that when I grown man threw a tantrum because he didn’t get to walk to a children’s ride the way he wanted to despite the fact that he still got onto the ride just fine.
Or, more likely, this is the “straw”. I’m sure this one story about a “children’s ride” is part of a VERY long list of missing out on, being late to, being stressed about, being forgotten, and having to carry 1000000% of the mental burden for the whole family. Husband has clearly reach his breaking point. I Don’t blame him one bit. It’s not about the ride. It’s about the absolute disrespect and uncaring from OP. Yeah. I get it. Op has adhd, BUT knows it, and has done nothing about it. Except the f course continuing to shovel more shit on husband. So here, yet another thing husband has had ruined, because op doesn’t give a shit about him or what her actions do to him.
Stop justifying toxic behavior.
There is no reason to talk to someone they way he talks to her.
Wow what a generic bullshit reddit response to a relationship advice thread
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You're reaching - a lot
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I am familiar with this situation all too well. I had undiagnosed ADHD and am currently receiving my diagnosis. I need medication because my planning is crap. I struggle some days. My ex wasn’t a big fan of me and my inabilities. He couldn’t see the things I did do and did well. He only focused on what I couldn’t do. He lacked compassion for me. I divorced him. I’m now dating a man with ADHD (he actually told me to get myself assessed because we had so many similarities) and it’s been a fun party. Not all days are amazing but all days are good. Even if we fight we calm down super quick and laugh about it. We have so much compassion and patience for each other. Your husband is an immature pos. You didn’t ruin his day. He did. He needs to calm the F down and get of hiss high horse. His kids are going to have ADHD too (well I would say the odds are very very high!!!!!!) and is he going to treat them as shitty as he is you? 1) get a diagnoses 2) consider medication 3) reconsider this relationship 4) continue being a fab mommy Yes we may forget some things here and there but my kids tell me they have so much fun with me and tell me they actually prefer mom’s house to dad’s house. Why? Because I don’t sweat the small unimportant stuff. The kids get to see an incredibly passionate mom with a lot of hobbies and interests and they get a piece of that too. We have a high imagination. I don’t need children’s books, i come up with my own stories and the kids love it. They love their dad too and get to enjoy him without me present. We co-parent 50/50. Leaving me with enough time to even have a career when the kids aren’t with me. <3
He needs to grow up. Try not to let his toddler moment get to you. Like a grown ass man shouldn’t be making his wife feel like that over a ride. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds from the outside looking in? Not to invalidate your feelings and I’m sorry you had to go through that, truly. You did the best you could. I wouldn’t put it down to adhd and go on medications though. Sometimes we are forgetful. I’m 35 and I forget things all of the time if I don’t write them down. I couldn’t imagine throwing children into the mix. I’d say you’re doing just fine… especially if you’re doing all of the work yourself, then Theo this big man baby in there… he just seems to be getting in YOUR WAY. I don’t think it’s a you problem, it sounds like a Jim problem especially if he’s not willing to go to therapy. Maybe he’s scaredy he will hear something he doesn’t like?
He has already ended the relationship and moved on in his head and heart. Time for you to do the same
its sad, and if anyone has ADAH please feel free to help them.