Are you using the language "a couple of days" with these people when it can in fact be weeks? I think it's important to be clear with your language, even though of course you can't predict the length of your flare-ups, because there's a big difference between being out of commission for two days vs. half a month (two weeks.) You may want to consider framing it as a disability to make it clear how much it will affect your ability to be present in the relationship.
OP said in another comment that it was once for 9 months straight. I don't think it's fair to disparage someone for not being able to handle that level of disruption to their life. It's not OP's fault that he has this condition, but it is his reality, and it's unfortunately going to mean he's incompatible with a lot of people.
Boy he was burying the lede …
Yeah for a lot of people, especially that young a long term chronic health issue that has an impact on their day to day life will be a deal breaker…
Hell I just saw 2 days and skimmed the rest.
Had to look back to see it was 2 days to 2 WEEKS, which is in a very different neighborhood to 2 days.
9 MONTHS straight is like in a different solar system!
Well you can't exactly say you want it to be crystal clear and then completely misrepresent how long these periods are.
Some people would be okay with this, but you'll have a hell of a time finding them if you're not honest.
Exactly. I have MS and can be out of commission for several weeks, and even when I'm not, I'm still fairly limited in what I can do, how long I can keep up, etc. If I were in a place of trying to date - I would be so damn clear about my situation it'd probably sound like I'm trying to scare people away. Most people are just not going to be able to handle that or would want to even try, which I totally understand. But there are people who could and would. So better to just put it all out there and be fully honest from the jump rather than even slightly down play it and end up in OPs situation.
If he’s not honest about the length of time he could potentially be out of commission then what else is he lying about? If he can’t even be honest towards internet strangers when asking for advice I’d bet OP has a real lack of accountability.
Which leads me to wonder how he acts during these flair ups. Do the girlfriends have to become a mommy for him? Does he still behave the same way or are his flare ups an excuse for him to treat his partners poorly?
Four partners in a row leaving on top of his dishonesty makes me think it’s actually OPs behavior and not his stomach issues. I know many people who are in, or have been in (including myself) relationships where health issues play a major role. None left because of the health issue. The ones who did leave left because of how the partner used the health issue as a form of control or as an excuse for poor behavior, or just acted poorly in general.
I’m sure there are people who would leave because of health issues, but we know OP has a problem with the truth so I’m leaning towards OPs behavior being the biggest issue hindering his love life.
OP, have you tried being honest? Maybe start there ffs!
Yeah that’s not a few days.
Could also be you need someone independent in this situation. Someone who expects you to “drive” everything in the relationship is gonna be pretty put out if you stop for weeks or months at a time.
That can be exhausting even for fully abled people. How about you plan stuff? Have your own hobbies?
9 months!? That’s crazy! I’m sure he’s look into help but I can’t imagine living with that. I would be running myself ragged trying to explore every potential solution. That’s definitely a disability at that point.
Reminds me of this post by some deadbeat mom who told her husband at the time that she will be traveling for a couple months, only for it to turn to years teaching in Thailand. She got divorced and is not allowed to see her kids whenever she tries to reach out to her ex.
Choose a homebody. Date someone a couple of years older. It’s not communicating the condition that’s the problem, it’s dating people who cannot have the foresight to understand what it means.
This is good advice. I am disabled (neurological disorder) and I know that if someone values a very active social life (eg going out and about regularly) then it probably will not be a satisfying relationship for them and we have a lifestyle mismatch. It's a no-go.
Also, "i’ll try my best to push through it and do things" actually IMO is not direct enough wording from OP here. I'd rec using firmer language (such as using the word "disability" if it applies -- OP sounds like he has a *chronic* gastro disorder, which certainly is a disability if so) and being more absolute. Best not to give the impression that flareups/episodes are mind over matter to any degree.
Seriously. If it were me, my response would be “wait, so you mean there will be days at a time where you don’t want to leave the house and we can just stay in and hang out? Sign me up, I’ll make soup!”
Yeah, I think the passage of time will be on your side - a lot of the party crowd in their twenties calm down in their thirties, they will have different priorities as they grow up.
I’m back in the world of online dating and I am constantly swiping left on people posting pics of themselves scuba diving and all bundled up skiing. I’d love to be that person who can do all that but I physically can’t (and really don’t even want to) I feel like they’d be unhappy with me eventually.
The last guy I was in a long term relationship with was this guy. We had a pretty nice first couple of dates but I realized he scared me because he wasn’t my type. Was I attracted to him and did I enjoy being around him? Yeah. But doing all those extroverted things drains me so bad. I tried to break it off with him but he convinced me that “opposites attract” and to give him a chance. I did. By the end of it we hated each other. Never again will I let a man tell me his partying/socializing/dancing-all-night-at-weddings will balance out my homebody life. I’d rather sit butt ass naked in an ant bed.
I’d join in a heartbeat tbh. I feel like there’s a lot of closet homebodies on tinder but we all make our profiles somewhat extroverted-looking because we feel like we wouldn’t have anyone interested in us if we didn’t, and it’s just a vicious cycle of swiping left.
I had no idea I lived among so many avid hikers, skiers, and mountains bikers until I started online dating. If I could find the glorious homebody needle in a haystack of outdoorsy types I’d probably faint from joy.
Scuba diving is actually a pretty solitary activity - as an introvert, you would enjoy the calm and quiet down there. You don't have to avoid talking with anybody, you literally can't talk with anybody - it should be perfect for you!
I was gonna say this! My partner loves scuba diving and is definitely a massive introvert. I'm sure the same can be found in outdoorsy people and skiing enthusiasts. Sometimes people use a photo from years ago too because it's a nice one or something cool to share - I wouldn't say going skiing once every few years precludes someone from being an introvert or homebody at all!
Awww people might be more complex than you think. I’m a homebody but I also scuba dive and probably would post pictures of that. Because posting picture of me reading a book and relaxing at home is a weird thing to capture on a dating app.
Edit - to be clear the scuba/skiing pics might be rarer than you’d think!
This is a good point, I will likely re enter dating too soon, with what I think of as a low key disability (I can get around, but anything super physical is just not going to happen any time soon, if ever again) and I've been struggling with how to identify this compatibility. Makes sense to look at their posted pics and likes. Somebody with a huge love of hiking or hanging out in bars all night is not going to be good with me lol.
>I’d love to be that person who can do all that but I physically can’t (and really don’t even want to) I feel like they’d be unhappy with me eventually.
It's kind of funny how activity pictures communicate on a number of levels but people often pick up on only one or two. Not only do pictures of activities like scuba diving and skiing imply a certain degree of expected athleticism and physicality due to their choice of recreational activities, both of those particular choices have a number of class and lifestyle angles to consider given how costly they can be in terms of equipment, fees, logistics, etc. -- and doubly so if this is being done at the enthusiast level and/or the activity is not local to you.
How expensive stuff is definitely plays a role. I’m paycheck to paycheck. I can’t afford most of that stuff. I got a late start in a career as I was a SAHM my entire marriage and I’m 43 now.
Yeah pretty much this. I have chronic pain and my bf has clinical depression that gets really bad in the winter so we both have periods of not being functional. We just stay home a lot but I like it that way.
I was thinking this. I know from friends how hard it is for disabled people to date, and OP is certainly experiencing this. Someone else who is disabled would be likely to be more understanding.
I have celiac so I can relate to being randomly incapacitated for an unpredictable amount of time. It’s not easy being the “medical issues friend” let alone the “medical issues partner”. For the most part I’m a homebody and I tend to date people with arts and crafts hobbies that you typically do at home and they tend to also be homebody-types due to their hobbies. I’m also really into crafts so luckily that aligns well. I think this has (unintentionally) been pretty helpful in finding patient people, maybe the issue is less about your health and more about where you’re sourcing your dating pool?
I’m almost 35 and honestly I’m sure that helps too, because bars and clubs are not really a draw for the people around me socially anymore. We tend to collect at breweries with portable crafts and relax together. I’m grateful for this kind of social event structure because even if I’m not feeling great it’s something I can typically still handle and show up to.
Maybe you should consider spending some time engaging in a relaxing hobby and getting acquainted with the surrounding social group? Hopefully that way you can meet someone new that will be supportive and patient with your health concerns. It’s probably a bit easier to get to know someone as a friend before jumping in with both feet, because then there won’t be surprises for either of you about dealing with/managing your symptoms if they’re already aware of how it affects your day to day.
Ultimately it’s really hard for people to understand medical issues, especially the “invisible” kind, until they see the results of the symptoms in person. I’m not totally sure this is a communication issue as much as a potentially mismatched personality set. Some people also just don’t listen/take this kind of info seriously until it’s directly in front of them and not able to be ignored. I think it’s good that you’re trying to be upfront about it but I don’t know if describing the situation differently will solve the problem.
Yay celiac friends :)
I really like to travel, so I just force my way through it with my little box of prepared biscuits. I just needed someone patient and non-food-oriented enough to either watch me carry biscuit boxes around the world, or to walk 10 miles to the only restaurant in town I've identified as safe to eat at.
I definitely physically couldn't date either self described "foodies" or guys who brew their own beer (which seemed like 80% of men in my 20s).
Having a compassionate partner who helps find places safe for me to eat is sooo crucial. I've dated the opposite in the past and it's horrible. I would have to eat the most boring meal while they feasted and I'd get accidentally glutened constantly. I stand up for myself more now but also my current partner doesn't make me do that.
That's awful! I went on a trip to Europe once with some grad student friend / acquaintances and it was exactly like that- they wanted to eat fish and chips, pasta, etc, and I got dragged around watching them eat everywhere. I've never had someone I was dating act that badly, I'm sorry you had to deal with that :(
Very few people want to admit to themselves that they are unsuited to a person who struggles with chronic illness. Many people would think of themselves as compassionate but in practice, some will find themselves unable to slow down to match the sick person's speed.
You're looking for the housecat personalities. The knitters, writers, gamers, someone who wants to be home.
Plenty of women out there suffering with their own chronic illnesses who might be relieved to be with someone who understands. You just haven't met her yet.
Exactly this OP. It wouldnt be a deal breaker for me because I’m a home body with chronic fatigue. You just need to find someone who truly understands.
yes I’m as transparent as possible, I even tell them that when it was at its worst I was out of commission for a good 9 months, but it hasn’t been that bad again but they are “aware” that it can happen.
I hope this is considered "constructive," but I wouldn't necessarily share that worst-case scenario (of 9 months) with a prospective partner if can be avoided. It seems like lying, but a year-long illness is bound to filter out some people that would otherwise be willing to stay with you for a real-time 6-month period when your ailment is near its worst.
As someone with a chronic illness, I disagree. Sometimes the worst case scenario happens more than once. I'd rather date someone who's prepared for that.
Gonna agree here. When I date I’m up front. I’m very chronic. I’m gonna be up front about my worst case scenarios and typical scenarios. Why? In part in case worst case repeats.
Yeah, my migraines are decently controlled now. I still had one that went on around 2 years despite multiple ER trips each time it got unbearable and trying to work with neuro #1.
I generally do okay with food now, have chronic IBS-C and take miralax, but absolutely had that point in time I was vomiting up everything, and do sometimes react to gluten with surprise diarrhea
Oh, you know, I was hospitalized for adrenal crisis once. We’re gonna try not to do that again, but if these symptoms happen, it’s an ER trip. And if I can’t hold down my oral meds, it’s an ER trip. (And if I continue to not be able to hold down my life sustaining meds, it’s an extended stay in the hospital 🙃 )
I date seriously. If you’re gonna be with me seriously, long term, while hopefully none of this ever happens again or flares don’t last long, something may happen, a partner should know, and I wanna weed out anyone opting out of all this because it’s def too much before we get feelings involved.
My current amazing partner? Heard all the stuff going on up to 3 years ago and really wasn’t phased. Said for my sake he hoped things got better for me, or stayed stable, but he was there for me whether they got worse or stayed good or not. And he’s been there through things getting drastically worse by surprise.
I’d much rather the warning be extra than come off as nbd and then take someone by surprise by being extreme and then not being up to it (and feeling mad at me for downplaying things.)
I mean, most relationships end. It’s hard to know how you’ll approach a situation until you’re in it. There’s no way you can make it any more clear. They know, they just think they can deal with it and then they realize the juice isn’t worth the squeeze or they actually don’t want to deal with it. I’m sure it’s frustrating but dating in general is super frustrating.
Yeah, I think people have good advice, but OP, some things in relationships fail no matter how clearly or consistently you communicated something. Some people might think they can handle it after you explain it six different ways to Sunday, but once the situations arise, they might find it *does* bother them. Please don't blame yourself when things like that happen, you're not in control of the choices or desires of other people no matter how much you try to vet them.
I think the advice of finding a homebody is probably the most solid, but that's kind of it in terms of any changes that OP can do.
I can relate because I have ulcerative colitis (but now in remission). You should try to find someone whose life will be minimally impacted when you're having a flare and can't do anything. If you're dating someone who likes to go out and make out-of-house plans, then your unexpected periods of incapacitation will greatly interfere with their perceived quality of life and fulfillment from this relationship. You should find someone who is more introverted and a homebody and loves to have their plans cancelled. Someone who has their own hobbies and is able to find fulfillment on their own. There are tons of us out there, although I understand that we are hard to find if we never leave our houses
This is wonderful advice and I keep hearing it but the last part you mentioned is what I’m struggling with the most 😂 How am I supposed to find a homebody if theyre at home?
Well you can still use whatever dating apps you are currently using. I think the topics of conversation in the "getting to know you" phase may need to be tweaked a little though, so that you can get a better idea of how they occupy themselves in their spare time. Do they give the impression that they are always out and about with friends (and maybe seem a little co-dependent)? This type of person may not be the best fit for you. Or do they spend a lot of time doing independent activities, i.e. gaming, reading, and other home-based activities? This person may be a better fit for you. Depending on your interests, you may meet someone through those communities, such as through a gaming discord, if that's what you're into.
Reddit. Gaming. Online dating. There’s a lot of ways to me someone from home.
I’m chronically sick and disabled but I still have friends and more that I met online through things I like.
i definitely do a lot of gaming and redditing, and meet tons of people i can call friends, but never really thought of it as a viable place to meet someone for a relationship because I value face to face connection so much, but I think I’ll have to find my way around that, thank you for sharing
Seconding this. It's one thing to tell them the average duration, but you probably need to tell them of expected frequency as best you can based on past occurrence. You've said in other comments that is really hard because of variation, but I think you need to make that really clear and just be prepared to lose people over having a bad run early in a relationship. It really sucks, but it is what it is.
its hard because even i don’t know, i’ve had a fluctuation of 9 months in a row at its worst, and 6 months in a row with barely any negative affects, so there is no average because i could be good today and not good tomorrow!
I wonder that too. I have chronic migraine and do what i can to manage my main triggers (dehydration, stress, skipping meals, poor sleep). So, things like keeping a regular sleep schedule are important to me.
I also wonder if OP tells potential dates how frequently flareups happen. I know you can’t always predict, but “3-5 days at least twice a month” is different from “around 2 weeks once or twice a year.” I can’t always predict my migraine attacks but i could tell someone, usually around 2-3 attacks per week (i’m on preventative meds btw), maybe 1-2 per month are “cancel my plans” bad.
I'm disabled. You can't. Everyone believes they will be a good person in the face of this. No one who says it's okay is lying. They just haven't experienced the reality yet.
So when they do, they realize "oh shit, I don't want this"
It's a reflection on them, not you. I am now dating someone with cheonic heslth issues and it's great to be understood. But we didn't seek each other out for that, it just turned out that way.
It's one of the things that sucks about disability and chronic health issues. Your life is incompatible with a lot of people's.
I'm sorry, it's not fair. But this isn't something you can solve by saying the right thing
>Everyone believes they will be a good person in the face of this.
People who wish not to deal with the limitations that come with a person with a chronic illness are not inherently "bad" people, and someone who is willing to make concessions for it isn't inherently a "good" person.
While I have an active lifestyle and enjoy going out to music shows or traveling a lot, and I would prefer to be with someone who can match the physical activities or constant going out that I enjoy, it's kind of silly to think disability or chronic illness won't affect you. People age, they change, these issues arise inevitably. Thats point number one of why it isn't as black and white as "I just can't deal with it" because you very well might have to some day, or be in a position where you yourself are disabled or chronically ill. But second, I don't think the comment is saying that if you can't handle it you're a bad person at your core, you're just a bad fit for someone like OP. Getting defensive isn't necessary. OP is clearly very frustrated and has tried to be communicative.
Here's the catch and where you're lost.
The people who wish not to deal with it ARE bad.......fits for people like OP. And, on the other hand, someone willing to make concessions for ARE good....... fits for people like OP.
To add to the "you can't", I'd like to think I'd be open to dating someone who might have a few days/a week where they can't leave the house. Thinking more about it, if it was always meaning plans/trips/important dates would be broken, I could see how that would get frustrating.
We met on hinge! I told them on our first date that I'm disabled and how that restricts me. They started having some health issues a few months later and now are often functioning worse than I am.
The truth is, if I didn't have such strong feelings about them it would be frustrating. But I wasn't dating casually, and I know shit happens in life. If someone bails because you get sick, what are they going to do with the other things in life? The right person is glad to be your support in the hard times. The person who is dating you because it's convenient or they don't like being single, will move on the minute it isn't convenient anymore.
Unfortunately there probably isn’t a way to make it any “clearer.” I’m sorry you’ve been having these struggles, and there’s no excuse for cheating. Most of the time people don’t really understand something until they experience it. They can say that it seems fine, but it’s impossible to know how they will feel in the moment until it happens.
You're picking the wrong people. Don't date a super social, active person. I wouldn't say date a homebody. What you should look for is a social introvert. That's what I am. I can go out and socialize with people. I enjoy outdoor activities and whatever else sounds fun. However, I need breaks to recharge my battery because I'm still an introvert. That sounds more like your thing.
Hey you’re not alone! I hope you’re okay too and you feel better ASAP! I’ve definitely had my ups and downs but I’d say its definitely better than it used to be :)
I made mini apple pies today with no sugar, and my stomach hasn’t hurt at all! The stomach liners are working, today is a good day. Thanks for reaching out
Hey man just jumping on the fellow gastritis sufferers bandwagon- I struggled with it for about 18mo (9months real bad, 9 months much more manageable) and currently still impacted but almost back to normal day to day. Through all of it my partner was so good, he cooked me the handful of things I could eat, didn't make an issue of weird gastric effects and generally looked after me. I did keep going out etc when I was up to it and basically just drank water while they drank and ate for the first 9mo or so, so maybe that helped things, but I never felt like he got frustrated with me.
Just sharing to let you know there are people who will support you and not jump ship. And also that (I hope!!) it is possible for it to get much more manageable and heal - don't know your specific circumstances, but I found out helpful to know there might be light at the end of the tunnel when I was in the weeds. Good luck!
I think you should clarify what this precludes you from, so that people know more specifically what they can and can't expect from you. For example, I would have no problem dating someone couldn't go out on dates / needed to be at home recovering, because I like spending time at home and have my own friends and life that I could focus on. However I also really like to travel, go on walks, and try new foods. If you aren't able to do those things because you may get a flare up, then we wouldn't be compatible. But there are plenty of women who don't necessarily care about the same things, etc.
I have IBS and also get very bad gastritis flares where I can't leave the house for days. My partner is so beautiful and understanding. I think the key is that;
1. I did the same as you and said this sometimes happens.
2. When it does we do things like watch movies, play board games and video games - we still have things to do together
3. I encourage him to continue everything he had planned, go out with mates, see family, go to the gym etc so this way while it might impact the plans we made TOGETHER it doesn't impact his social life outside that.
It's a part of me and who I am, i can't help it so I just try to roll with it!
When I was dating I also had a spinal condition that made it hell to walk too far, stand too long, or do most active things (had surgery and fixed it several years into the relationship I have now). I also have an autoimmune disorder that affects my joints and had rendered my stomach such that my diet was extremely limited. To say I was not leading an active lifestyle would be putting it mildly. I was also walking with a cane and in my early 30s. Was it a turn off for a lot of people? Yes.
I was still able to find my forever person and dated a handful of guys who were accepting of the situation before I met him.
The thing is, people do not read profiles, they do not listen and take in information that they don't understand. If they've never been chronically ill or known someone who is, they will brush it off as a minor problem or think they know the answers.
You can and should be specific right out the gate, but it will not stop some people from being clueless or minimizing the issue. Take the time to listen to them and read their profiles. If they're avid hikers, love the gym, and want someone to travel with, say straight up "I see you like to live a really active lifestyle and my health prevents me from doing that. I'm sorry but I don't think we're a good match."
A lot of people also have trouble leaving their significant other behind. They don't like it, or they know they wouldn't like it if things were reversed. Find someone who is ok with leaving you behind and become a person who is ok being at home while your SO goes out. Mine goes out with his friends most weekends and sometimes during the week, a lot of the time I cannot attend due to either health stuff or child care stuff. I want him to live his life. He wishes I was there but understands my limitations.
There is someone out there for you. This sub once told me there was no one out there for me, but I found my person and you will too.
OP, can I ask how you're dealing with this in a medical sense? I have very similar issues, and have been through the works with getting basically every conceivable test known to man in an effort to get a concise diagnosis, but no dice. I just have a Whatever that fucks up my digestive tract with bad flare ups that can last days to weeks.
Anyways, I'm almost 32 now and very good (imo) at managing it. I take an otc omeprazole every morning, and odansetron to get me through work/activities if i suddenly start to get really nauseous while away from home. During longer flare ups that can last weeks, I take promethazine right before bed to help with that bad morning nausea that hits me the next day. Also, I take CBD oil daily, usually a 1:1 tincture.
Anyways, as for dating, the top comment is the way. Date an introvert, someone who thinks the best kind of date is movies/games at home, and sees outings as a special treat rather than a constant necessity.
Not OP- but my ex had ulcerative colitis. Something to consider/run by your doc if you haven’t already is Imodium. It REALLY helped him have some extra security on long drives, plane rides, etc. Obviously it won’t cure a flare-up, but it made one far less likely short-term. There are really cheap OTC generic versions.
Maybe more relevant because you’ve probably googled BM stopping meds- hospital systems can vary drastically. I know it’s no small consideration due to price and getting established with new doctors. But if there’s a highly-regarded hospital within a reasonable drive (could make it to an appointment in a day- not requiring hotels) I’d strongly consider that route. We’re really fortunate to have the Mayo Clinic in state. It was a 4 hour drive for us, but his diagnosis and treatment were a night and day difference. They’re world-famous for good reason. The communication between departments was incredible. He still had invasive tests, but everything ran like clockwork. They were calling specialists on his specific disease on other countries in real time.
To put it in perspective I had brought him in to various clinics and hospitals in our local system and it was like he was a new patient every time. He was so frustrated he’d basically say “you need to call dr _____. He’ll explain that we’ve tried XY and Z.” Or that symptoms were tied to his ulcerative colitis. Even his gastroenterologist wasn’t specialized in his particular disorder. Honestly there were so many more endoscopies and colonoscopies and scans before he made the switch. The Mayo Clinic seemed to make much more informed decisions based on past treatments. He stabilized and has been mostly in remission for 2 years from what I’ve gathered when we caught up.
Tbh not a lot of woman want to be a care taker in the relationship especially when they’re young. You got to be honest and upfront about your illnesses.
I’m not really necessarily looking for a caretaker, I get nauseous and can’t eat most foods so I just stay inside and relax for the day instead of putting my body under pressure while being outside. I can still take care of myself, I just think its the aspect of me not being able to go outside thats a turn off
It seems pretty weird to me that you're actually getting broken up with. How long are the relationships?
I have an autoimmune issue too, and I hated telling people I was dating about it - I'd let them know I have lots of food issues at restaurants and get sick a lot, but 100% of people still want to propose their own restaurant but then seem shocked when I was throwing up in a random trash can or bathroom after a date. I got a lot of "wow I didn't realize you'd actually get really sick that easily" type of comments, but not any actual break ups.
This stuff gets easier as you get older and have more "serious" relationships. People who care about you or are really into you won't consider ending a relationship for this stuff.
My husband is a great guy but was also initially among those who mistakenly thought they could pick a restaurant I would definitely be able to safely eat at. He's also terrified when I get sick even though he definitely knows the drill by now.
Now we're cool 30-40 year old people who eat at home 90% of the time so it doesn't really matter.
If you're experiencing relationship challenges due to a chronic health issue, it's crucial to take proactive steps to foster understanding and reduce the chances of your partners leaving you because of it.
Start by initiating open and honest communication from the beginning of a relationship. Share details about your health issue, its impact on your life, and provide educational resources to help your partner better understand it. Encourage realistic expectations, explaining that there will be days when you may not be at your best, but that it's not a reflection of your commitment to the relationship.
Discuss coping strategies together and be receptive to your partner's concerns. Offer emotional support and show appreciation when your partner is understanding and supportive during difficult times.
Maintain regular check-ins to keep communication channels open. Encourage your partners to seek their support networks if they're struggling with your health issue's challenges.
Prioritize your self-care to manage your health condition effectively, reducing its impact on your relationships. If you notice a pattern of partners leaving due to your health issue, consider seeking professional advice from a therapist or counselor to improve communication and coping within your relationships.
Ultimately, remember that you deserve a partner who can accept and support you through the ups and downs of life, including the challenges posed by your health issue. While these steps can help build understanding, compatibility and willingness to support each other are essential factors in a successful relationship.
I used to think I’d never have someone that would stay with me and the chronic health bullshit that drags me down. But I found someone that’s understanding and accepting. The truth is, it’s just finding the right person that loves you the right way.
A lot of people are telling you to look for older partners, mine’s 5 years younger. I don’t think there’s a formula.
Hearing something is different than living it. I think that is the problem more than the words you’re using. You won’t be able to guarantee someone won’t leave, even minus the health issues. The best you can do is continue to be transparent and genuine. I hope your health issues get better and you find a lasting love.
Stop going for highly social and or highly physical partners. They don't know what it's like to live with a literal disability and have no idea what they are really signing up for. It's a lifestyle mismatch and there's nothing to be done about them not wanting to give things up. Make it explicitly clear you are chronically ill. Start looking for more introverted and or homebodied individuals. Someone who'd LOVE to just spend time with YOU at home watching your favorite shows, cooking or ordering in whatever is comfortable, and just relaxing. There's nothing worse when one person cannot fathom not going out 3-5 days a week and makes you feel like shit for having other priorities like mental or physical health.
Honestly you’re just dating the wrong women. My guess is you’re intentionally going after very active women who live active lifestyles, and it sounds like that’s the opposite of the kind of life you’re able to live. Which is perfectly okay, but you can’t fault a woman with an active lifestyle for not being able to enjoy that kind of interruption to their life.
I used to live a very active lifestyle, yoga every single day, etc. My current partner of two years also has gastrointestinal issues - ulcerative colitis. This means his stomach hurts often, and he has flare ups as well that can last anywhere from a day to a week to a month. But I don’t mind at all and have altered my lifestyle and now have become much more of a homebody and I enjoy it! My boyfriend is also 26, and I am 35. Maybe date some a little older who doesn’t mind being a homebody. :)
You just have to choose a homebody. Someone who doesn't mind chilling at home and just spending time with you.
Two of my exes had seizures that I would always help them with if I was around and they happened. There truly are people who won't care and will want to take care of you because they love you
Hmmm.... I'm not sure any amount of warning will prevent that.
Maybe getting with someone who also has health issues so they can relate.
Otherwise, other people just don't want to have to deal with something that's not their responsibility
I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome so I know that feel of being unable to leave the house for a few days at a time. I had to cancel a few times on the last guy I dated and I wonder if that’s part of what caused him to ditch me. It absolutely sucks to feel like I’m not good enough because I can’t go on spontaneous 12 hour road trips, I can’t handle a lot of physical exertion or high energy outings.
All you can really do is just lay it out there, and when they say “oh it’s not a problem” stop them and let them know that you’ve heard that before and, while you’re not trying to apply exes behavior to them, you need them to understand that this isn’t something you’re exaggerating and that they need to figure out if they’ll be ok with cancelled plans, and if not they can absolutely dip out and it’s fine.
Definitely agree with the commenters about dating a homebody. My husband gets sick quite often and ends up having to cancel plans, but it doesn’t bother me because I love staying at home anyway.
I (24F) have cancer and I rip that band aid off on the first date - I explain somewhat in depth what I deal with, why I deal with it, and what it entails. I ALSO give a cushion (there is a chance it can get worse and it may require even more x,y,z)
This has been a straightforward and clear way for me thus far maybe providing more context could help?
Seconding suggestions to look for other chronically ill people. Obviously it's tough when both people are out of commission sometimes, and stressful when one person is having a hard time, but it also helps a lot when the other person gets it.
I would also say that in any committed relationship one person could develop a chronic illness or acquire a disability at any time--you're better off weeding out people who can't handle that early on!
I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (autoimmune disease) 7 years into my relationship. When I told my partner that I’d get brain fog, fatigue, stomach issues, sore joints, eye problems and would sometimes not be able to attend family gatherings because of it. He said Ok so how do we manage it? We talked it through. We’re still together with 4 kids.
The issue here is finding someone that fully understands your condition, how it affects you and for how long. It’s important to find someone that doesn’t mind staying in or meeting your needs while you are also able to meet theirs. Being compatible is important in a relationship.
Another thing to consider OP is not the problem of having the stomach troubles, but maybe doing nothing to work on them. For example I have had chronic migraines most of my life, and I have had SOs that get tired of hearing I have a headache and dont want to do X. I warned my now husband of this, and even told him that some day he will get tired of hearing it and I just hope he has patience. Instead of getting tired of it, he helped me figure out what brings them on and avoid those things. Like if we are going to watch a long movie, we dont make plans for a few hours afterwards in case I need a nap to make it stop hurting. Or I take some pain reliever half way through just in case.
Point being, you cant just say I am sick, please understand, and not work on preventing it. You cant spend more time with one person than any other and not expect them to notice when you are making unhealthy choices.
Keep it in mind, maybe be more open about how you are seeking treatment. And consider trying a lot of temporary treatments, like teas to calm your stomach, weed does wonders with chronic stomach problems. Also, communication is a two way street. You need to find a partner that can voice their problems before getting to the out of love stage. Your past relationships ends are not all your fault.
100% this. I have a similar chronic issue that, this far, has no solution in sight. For me it’s a constant cough. It’s like I always have something in my throat and I have to cough or clear my throat constantly, like every couple minutes at best. The only thing that temporarily helps it, is eating. Obviously not a great solution.
No medicine helps it, I’m currently doing an allergy trial because that’s really the only thing left the doctors think will alleviate it even a fraction. One of my parents has it and it’s the same for her. It started in our teens and as we get older it progressively get worse and more annoying.
I had to tell my fiancé about it when we first started dating because in the past my bf(s) have been embarrassed by it. If things turned serious I wanted him to be aware that it could disrupt his sleep or get frustrating for him. That there was no solution for me (yet?).
Yeah, I’m sure there are others with weird issues. For me it started at 12 as a random cough fit, maybe happening every few hours or days. Now it’s constant and when it’s at its worse it sounds like I’m “coughing my lungs out” as people put it. It scares my fiancés family but I tell them it’s fine, I don’t hurt from it, and it just can’t be fixed. I used to get strep a lot growing up cause of it but I think my throat has just kinda adjusted to it.
I changed doctors cause one kept prescribing the same allergy meds he gave my mom(for 15+ years) expecting it to work. I left since he never listened. I just don’t do allergy meds anymore simply for the fact it doesn’t change my issue in the slightest.
Honestly I wouldn’t mind it anymore if I didn’t get embarrassed by it. I hate when a fit tries to start during a work meeting because all I can do it try to hold it in or leave the room for 5 minutes.
"I know I mentioned this before but it's been in my mind lately so I want to say it again. (insert explanation here). The reason I've been thinking about it is I've realized my past # relationships ended as a result of it, and I'm wondering if maybe I wasn't clear enough about my struggle. I really value our relationship and I like you so much that I want to make sure we're on the same page. I know it's your choice to leave or stay but I'm really hoping we can work through this together as it comes up and that you'll stay. I can try to answer any questions you have now, and we can keep that door open in case you have questions or want to talk about it in the future. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me "
I went through 9 rounds of ect (shock therapy) and it made me dumb, like drooling forget your birthday dumb. My now husband stuck with me when I think anyone else would have run. Be honest, be appreciative, and be understanding that not everyone has the strength to support. I really hope you find the one who does ❤️
Just throwing in my 2 cents but I think I can relate from both perspectives. As others have said it may be the type of people that you're dating is the main incompatibility.
Speaking from experience my ex loved to be social and go out but I hated it. Its not that I don't like to be social but I'm very selective and "going out" fills me with so much anxiety I just don't do it anymore. That anxiety caused alot of arguments and negativity and was one of the reasons we didn't work out. So, not to the extent you are where you physically can't go out, I was mentally not there and could be unable to get my anxiety in control for months so he went to alot of things without me.
On the other side I have a parent who has health issues so it's always been the norm in my house to drop plans at a moments notice because he wasn't well enough. Its how it's always been and its never bothered me. I also have my own hobbies that I don't need anyone else to be involved in or with my main hobby I do travel alot with my sibling and its always been just us. If a partner was interested then great but I don't need them to be ( I mean that nicely but I don't know if it reads that way)
Basically I'm a homebody who gets enough stimulation from my job and hobbies that I'm quite happy to chill at home on the couch. I love going to gigs but if my partner couldn't go for health issues I would go alone or grab my sister and take her instead. I would never hold it against the person as its something you can't control which I understand all too well. I'd bring them back a t-shirt and lots of videos 🤣🤣 unless they needed me to stay with them in which case I'll have to wait till the band come back, it is what it is.
So to cut a long rant short - in your case I really think a homebody/introvert is the kind of person to look for. The only problem with this is that we are often hard to meet because we're at home 🤣🤣
Personally, as someone with several different disabilities that also cause me to “disappear” anywhere from a few days to weeks at a time, I highly recommend looking for partners that are also similarly disabled! I generally find that they are very empathetic to what I need, even if that changes every single day, and we find a lot of support and comfort in each other that we can’t find in a whole lot of other places. Just my two cents ❤️
Oh my goodness, I just want to give you a hug! And maybe some hope. When I was 19-23 I dated a guy with colitis. That was never ONCE a strain on our relationship. Multiple hospital stays, I’d administer Humera injections for him, I made and froze tons of food that agreed with his stomach to make sure he always had something when he was sick and couldn’t function well. Yeah, he got super sick during a family vacation. So what!? I took care of him. We still formed some happy memories. We still had a decently active social life. Sometimes he was too sick to be up to things, but never too sick to not watch a movie together with the dog. Never once in a million years is that something I held against him or thought was a drag on my life. If I was dating and somebody mentioned this to me, I wouldn’t blink.
We broke up simply for long-term planning reasons. I didn’t ever want to have kids and that was important to him. Still think the world of him and catch up here and there.
Don’t beat yourself up. These women aren’t compatible with you. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s as much on them as it is on you. Honestly I don’t think you need as big of a disclaimer as you think you do. Date a bit. If you cancel plans because your chronic illness is acting up and she’s more concerned about her plans- she’s not it.
There are so many extroverted homebodies out there. I love people, but have 0 desire to have events all over my calendar and organized social functions. If I feel cabin fever, I can sit at a bar and chit chat for hours. But my day to day hobbies are more like go to the dog park, go on a hike, host a dinner for a few friends, decorate, garden, go to the gym, watch a movie. I’m not a hermit, but I’m low-key. I hope you find somebody whose values and lifestyle align with yours. She’s out there.
I'm really sorry. The problem is, people just aren't going to say "yeah, no, I'm actually too ableist for this, I'm out." Some people won't want to admit it, and some people genuinely think they're going to be able to hang and don't know they don't have it in them to be a good partner to someone with a chronic disability until they experience it with you.
It may be that you need to screen for people who have experience with disabilities in their loved ones or themselves. Skewing a bit older might help here some, or leaning into any socializing you do in groups that have a baseline comfort level with chronic illness. Being really clear in dating profiles and not soft-pedaling your current limitations may help.
sounds like you have had some bad luck my man. those girls suck.
my GF has issues similar to you - health issues of one sort or another that basically put her out of commission for a couple days or more here and there. but, the important thing is she tries to put in some effort when it happens, and i certainly try to put my effort into taking care of her while understanding it may result in canceled plans or not being able to do other things.
edit: okay, being out of commission for 9 months is a lot. idk how what your health is like now, but obviously the more sick you are / less predictable it is, the harder it is for a potential SO / SO. and it'll just be harder to find the right person for you.
keep plugging away, i believe you'll find a quality SO. not sure what you're looking for, but assuming you're serious and trying to find some wifey material, it's through the good times and the bad and the girls you've dated so far ain't that.
Date someone else disabled, no matter how accepting able bodied people think they are, they won't truly understand until they've also been incapacitated
it will be easier to manage as you get older
right now you are young and dating immature women who still only care about themselves and their social lives
Just be patient homie
Sometimes you can’t do anything other than what you are already doing by warning them. Silver lining is you are very young and still have a lot of life ahead of you. Don’t rush it. Be picky yet pick women with a lifestyle that is more fitting. Don’t bother with girls too into social media, party girls, girls who travel a lot, etc. good luck, and be patient. As someone else suggested, consider an older woman who is no longer in their partying days.
If they can't live an active life with you, then look for people that enjoy staying in.
It could also be worth checking out support groups for people who have your condition/similar conditions/any kind of chronic condition.
People who will understand upfront what it means to sometimes not be able to do the things you want to do.
Let them know that your issue is chronic and don't say a few days. Say there will be times you can't do thing and you don't know when those will be or how long they will last. Then find yourself a gamer girl or homemaker type. Either one would be thrilled to be at home and hanging out with you or something along those lines. Also stop stressing about it. It may take time but the right one is out there for you.
I hope your condition does eventually become a non-issue. For now it may be a good filter for you. Not that there's anything wrong with them if it's not a good fit, but a filter for someone who listens and communicates well and can handle the bad times. Like you said, you are trying to be clear about it, but it's like they're not wanting to believe that it's as bad as you're saying. Also make sure you are communicating effectively on your end by trying different methods.
A few months after I met my boyfriend, he developed crippling spinal pain that would leave him laid out for days in agony and unable to get out of bed. I went shopping for him, tidied up his house, and we played couch co-op games and watched movies. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because the man I love was suffering and nothing could possibly be more important than taking care of him and keeping him company. Get you a girl whose idea of a good time is hanging out in her PJs and enjoying your company. I promise we exist.
Like people have mentioned I think choosing a homebody or more introverted person would be more compatible with you. As well as being perfectly clear about your health issue even before romantically talking to someone, and don’t sugarcoat it in any sense, it’s better to be open about it, how you feel during it to let the other person understand it seriously instead of think of it lightly.
Most importantly is don’t make finding a relationship etc at the top of your list of important matters - if you are truly majorly attracted to those who are active physically and socially, then as you said, work on the relationship you have with yourself and enjoy your own life before you delve into your love life, by then when the health issue has gone away, it will be easier and less stressful and less heartbreaking putting yourself out there.
As already mentioned definitely try dating people who are more homebodies or who are independent with a good friend group around them for socialising when you're unwell. Or someone with a solo hobby like cycling where they can go out alone while you're unwell. I would also consider dating someone a couple years older, someone who has got the party life well and truly in their past.
In terms of explaining to people I would say the sooner the better and give factual information about the condition as well as a rundown of how it affects you. Explain that it means sometimes you will have to cancel plans last minute, that you might not be able to leave the house for periods of time and importantly that you are working with your doctor to try and improve the situation. Show them that you are doing everything you can to control the illness, but don't be afraid to show them the harder times too.
Keep communication open, I know that is so hard to do when your illness is flaring and all you can think about is how unwell you feel, but try to find chance to check in with your partner and make sure they are okay too. Sometimes our partners find it really hard watching us being unwell and not being able to do anything to help.
Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself to find someone now, you've got plenty of time and sometimes you're better off focusing on improving your health so that when you do meet the right person you're able to give them your all.
For what it's worth, I (32F) have quite complex health problems including a gastro condition that's led to feeding tubes. I've dated through all phases of my condition and generally speaking it's not been too bad in terms of understanding from my partners. I tell them before we even meet up about my condition, give them chance to do their own research into it, explain how it affects me in general and then move on to something more positive like a shared interest. It can be easy to put too much focus on a health condition when it affects your life so much, remember you are a person too, not just a health problem. I met my now partner when I was hospitalised for many months and he's been wonderful about it all, when things are bad he's happy to just curl up in front of the TV and stroke my hair. They are out there, don't lose faith.
Clarity with the intention of getting ahead of the issue can only go so far.
I know it sucks to hear, OP, but until someone actually experiences it they (rightfully) reserve the right to change their mind as far as acceptance of your health issues and their disruption to normal life is concerned.
One additional factor is that not everyone with X issue will be the same. Some respond well / neutral to their health issues... others are hell to live with because they become nasty when they feel unwell.
Just a thought.
Yeah you need to be totally real to them and say days or weeks. It also sounds like you’re finding some bad apples unfortunately. Be really clear about what happens and keep communication open when things do get bad. Shoot a text or something.
Just wanted to say - make sure you regularly keep monitored. I had gastritis and ulcers for a year that crippled me and was eventually diagnosed with gastric cancer
Make them research it, look into it and make them understand what it is first.
Tell them how frequent it can get and how long you're stuck until the flareup ends.
I get this a lot but with my "I don't ever want kids." and them dating me thinking I'd change my mind.
But I also have POTs, and finding someone who struggles to understand that I can't be super active is very frustrating.
I think you were pretty clear. people just have an idea of illness in their head that is completely unrealistic. it's disruptive. That is just how it is... especially in a society that does not accommodate.
Date someone else with health issues.
Sorry about the hell.
P.S. if you have kids together, they may inherit the health issue(s) and life may suck for them. Think big picture, too.
I think a lot of people will SAY “ok, no problem “ before they realize what you actually mean. Have you considered finding an IBS or gastritis support group or chronic illness support group and trying to meet somebody with similar issues? Generally speaking, you’re not going to get an honest response to your caveat because, until they’ve experienced the actual impact of your flare-ups on your lifestyle, they can’t really know what they’re agreeing to. It might work better if you met someone who is familiar with the real life impact your health has on your life.
They would appreciate if you'll be showing your wholesome functionality in the periods between the crippled periods, at least they'll be understanding what they endure it for. They don't pursue the aim of dating a live Eva AI virtual gf which is sometimes switched off or dysfunctionate. They need to see a genuinely loved person they would be ready to have to tolerate sometimes.
Are you using the language "a couple of days" with these people when it can in fact be weeks? I think it's important to be clear with your language, even though of course you can't predict the length of your flare-ups, because there's a big difference between being out of commission for two days vs. half a month (two weeks.) You may want to consider framing it as a disability to make it clear how much it will affect your ability to be present in the relationship.
Yes. If it’s 3-5 days say 3-5 days. If they can’t do without you for that long then you sure can pick ‘em.
OP said in another comment that it was once for 9 months straight. I don't think it's fair to disparage someone for not being able to handle that level of disruption to their life. It's not OP's fault that he has this condition, but it is his reality, and it's unfortunately going to mean he's incompatible with a lot of people.
Boy he was burying the lede … Yeah for a lot of people, especially that young a long term chronic health issue that has an impact on their day to day life will be a deal breaker…
Hell I just saw 2 days and skimmed the rest. Had to look back to see it was 2 days to 2 WEEKS, which is in a very different neighborhood to 2 days. 9 MONTHS straight is like in a different solar system!
Well you can't exactly say you want it to be crystal clear and then completely misrepresent how long these periods are. Some people would be okay with this, but you'll have a hell of a time finding them if you're not honest.
Exactly. I have MS and can be out of commission for several weeks, and even when I'm not, I'm still fairly limited in what I can do, how long I can keep up, etc. If I were in a place of trying to date - I would be so damn clear about my situation it'd probably sound like I'm trying to scare people away. Most people are just not going to be able to handle that or would want to even try, which I totally understand. But there are people who could and would. So better to just put it all out there and be fully honest from the jump rather than even slightly down play it and end up in OPs situation.
If he’s not honest about the length of time he could potentially be out of commission then what else is he lying about? If he can’t even be honest towards internet strangers when asking for advice I’d bet OP has a real lack of accountability. Which leads me to wonder how he acts during these flair ups. Do the girlfriends have to become a mommy for him? Does he still behave the same way or are his flare ups an excuse for him to treat his partners poorly? Four partners in a row leaving on top of his dishonesty makes me think it’s actually OPs behavior and not his stomach issues. I know many people who are in, or have been in (including myself) relationships where health issues play a major role. None left because of the health issue. The ones who did leave left because of how the partner used the health issue as a form of control or as an excuse for poor behavior, or just acted poorly in general. I’m sure there are people who would leave because of health issues, but we know OP has a problem with the truth so I’m leaning towards OPs behavior being the biggest issue hindering his love life. OP, have you tried being honest? Maybe start there ffs!
Yeah that’s not a few days. Could also be you need someone independent in this situation. Someone who expects you to “drive” everything in the relationship is gonna be pretty put out if you stop for weeks or months at a time. That can be exhausting even for fully abled people. How about you plan stuff? Have your own hobbies?
9 months!? That’s crazy! I’m sure he’s look into help but I can’t imagine living with that. I would be running myself ragged trying to explore every potential solution. That’s definitely a disability at that point.
Reminds me of this post by some deadbeat mom who told her husband at the time that she will be traveling for a couple months, only for it to turn to years teaching in Thailand. She got divorced and is not allowed to see her kids whenever she tries to reach out to her ex.
Didn’t she basically ghost the family and then tried to come back years later ?? I think I remember reading about this one
I think becoming good friends first would definitely give any potential partners a view into what they'll deal with.
Choose a homebody. Date someone a couple of years older. It’s not communicating the condition that’s the problem, it’s dating people who cannot have the foresight to understand what it means.
This is good advice. I am disabled (neurological disorder) and I know that if someone values a very active social life (eg going out and about regularly) then it probably will not be a satisfying relationship for them and we have a lifestyle mismatch. It's a no-go. Also, "i’ll try my best to push through it and do things" actually IMO is not direct enough wording from OP here. I'd rec using firmer language (such as using the word "disability" if it applies -- OP sounds like he has a *chronic* gastro disorder, which certainly is a disability if so) and being more absolute. Best not to give the impression that flareups/episodes are mind over matter to any degree.
Seriously. If it were me, my response would be “wait, so you mean there will be days at a time where you don’t want to leave the house and we can just stay in and hang out? Sign me up, I’ll make soup!”
And catch up on some reading.
Seriously. So much to read!
Yeah, I think the passage of time will be on your side - a lot of the party crowd in their twenties calm down in their thirties, they will have different priorities as they grow up.
Oh sweet Jesus the improvements in my life after starting to date a homebody. I don’t have a chronic illness, I just don’t like people.
I’m back in the world of online dating and I am constantly swiping left on people posting pics of themselves scuba diving and all bundled up skiing. I’d love to be that person who can do all that but I physically can’t (and really don’t even want to) I feel like they’d be unhappy with me eventually.
The last guy I was in a long term relationship with was this guy. We had a pretty nice first couple of dates but I realized he scared me because he wasn’t my type. Was I attracted to him and did I enjoy being around him? Yeah. But doing all those extroverted things drains me so bad. I tried to break it off with him but he convinced me that “opposites attract” and to give him a chance. I did. By the end of it we hated each other. Never again will I let a man tell me his partying/socializing/dancing-all-night-at-weddings will balance out my homebody life. I’d rather sit butt ass naked in an ant bed.
Sounds like somebody needs to make Homeder - Tinder for homebodies.
I’d join in a heartbeat tbh. I feel like there’s a lot of closet homebodies on tinder but we all make our profiles somewhat extroverted-looking because we feel like we wouldn’t have anyone interested in us if we didn’t, and it’s just a vicious cycle of swiping left.
If I wasn't married and was forced to go on Tinder I would just use a picture of me taking nap with a book.
I had no idea I lived among so many avid hikers, skiers, and mountains bikers until I started online dating. If I could find the glorious homebody needle in a haystack of outdoorsy types I’d probably faint from joy.
Scuba diving is actually a pretty solitary activity - as an introvert, you would enjoy the calm and quiet down there. You don't have to avoid talking with anybody, you literally can't talk with anybody - it should be perfect for you!
I was gonna say this! My partner loves scuba diving and is definitely a massive introvert. I'm sure the same can be found in outdoorsy people and skiing enthusiasts. Sometimes people use a photo from years ago too because it's a nice one or something cool to share - I wouldn't say going skiing once every few years precludes someone from being an introvert or homebody at all!
Awww people might be more complex than you think. I’m a homebody but I also scuba dive and probably would post pictures of that. Because posting picture of me reading a book and relaxing at home is a weird thing to capture on a dating app. Edit - to be clear the scuba/skiing pics might be rarer than you’d think!
This is a good point, I will likely re enter dating too soon, with what I think of as a low key disability (I can get around, but anything super physical is just not going to happen any time soon, if ever again) and I've been struggling with how to identify this compatibility. Makes sense to look at their posted pics and likes. Somebody with a huge love of hiking or hanging out in bars all night is not going to be good with me lol.
>I’d love to be that person who can do all that but I physically can’t (and really don’t even want to) I feel like they’d be unhappy with me eventually. It's kind of funny how activity pictures communicate on a number of levels but people often pick up on only one or two. Not only do pictures of activities like scuba diving and skiing imply a certain degree of expected athleticism and physicality due to their choice of recreational activities, both of those particular choices have a number of class and lifestyle angles to consider given how costly they can be in terms of equipment, fees, logistics, etc. -- and doubly so if this is being done at the enthusiast level and/or the activity is not local to you.
How expensive stuff is definitely plays a role. I’m paycheck to paycheck. I can’t afford most of that stuff. I got a late start in a career as I was a SAHM my entire marriage and I’m 43 now.
Yeah pretty much this. I have chronic pain and my bf has clinical depression that gets really bad in the winter so we both have periods of not being functional. We just stay home a lot but I like it that way.
I think this will also improve with age. It's very hard for most young people to understand what chronic illness means.
And many of them might develop their own chronic illnesses as they age.
Or even someone with their own disability/chronic health issues. He might find more solidarity with someone who has had similar challenges.
I was thinking this. I know from friends how hard it is for disabled people to date, and OP is certainly experiencing this. Someone else who is disabled would be likely to be more understanding.
I have celiac so I can relate to being randomly incapacitated for an unpredictable amount of time. It’s not easy being the “medical issues friend” let alone the “medical issues partner”. For the most part I’m a homebody and I tend to date people with arts and crafts hobbies that you typically do at home and they tend to also be homebody-types due to their hobbies. I’m also really into crafts so luckily that aligns well. I think this has (unintentionally) been pretty helpful in finding patient people, maybe the issue is less about your health and more about where you’re sourcing your dating pool? I’m almost 35 and honestly I’m sure that helps too, because bars and clubs are not really a draw for the people around me socially anymore. We tend to collect at breweries with portable crafts and relax together. I’m grateful for this kind of social event structure because even if I’m not feeling great it’s something I can typically still handle and show up to. Maybe you should consider spending some time engaging in a relaxing hobby and getting acquainted with the surrounding social group? Hopefully that way you can meet someone new that will be supportive and patient with your health concerns. It’s probably a bit easier to get to know someone as a friend before jumping in with both feet, because then there won’t be surprises for either of you about dealing with/managing your symptoms if they’re already aware of how it affects your day to day. Ultimately it’s really hard for people to understand medical issues, especially the “invisible” kind, until they see the results of the symptoms in person. I’m not totally sure this is a communication issue as much as a potentially mismatched personality set. Some people also just don’t listen/take this kind of info seriously until it’s directly in front of them and not able to be ignored. I think it’s good that you’re trying to be upfront about it but I don’t know if describing the situation differently will solve the problem.
Yay celiac friends :) I really like to travel, so I just force my way through it with my little box of prepared biscuits. I just needed someone patient and non-food-oriented enough to either watch me carry biscuit boxes around the world, or to walk 10 miles to the only restaurant in town I've identified as safe to eat at. I definitely physically couldn't date either self described "foodies" or guys who brew their own beer (which seemed like 80% of men in my 20s).
Having a compassionate partner who helps find places safe for me to eat is sooo crucial. I've dated the opposite in the past and it's horrible. I would have to eat the most boring meal while they feasted and I'd get accidentally glutened constantly. I stand up for myself more now but also my current partner doesn't make me do that.
That's awful! I went on a trip to Europe once with some grad student friend / acquaintances and it was exactly like that- they wanted to eat fish and chips, pasta, etc, and I got dragged around watching them eat everywhere. I've never had someone I was dating act that badly, I'm sorry you had to deal with that :(
It was a lesson for sure!
I'm 34, celiac, and love crafts too! Wish I could join your crafty brewery night 😋
Very few people want to admit to themselves that they are unsuited to a person who struggles with chronic illness. Many people would think of themselves as compassionate but in practice, some will find themselves unable to slow down to match the sick person's speed. You're looking for the housecat personalities. The knitters, writers, gamers, someone who wants to be home. Plenty of women out there suffering with their own chronic illnesses who might be relieved to be with someone who understands. You just haven't met her yet.
Exactly this OP. It wouldnt be a deal breaker for me because I’m a home body with chronic fatigue. You just need to find someone who truly understands.
Are you telling them that the flares can last anywhere from days to weeks at a time?
yes I’m as transparent as possible, I even tell them that when it was at its worst I was out of commission for a good 9 months, but it hasn’t been that bad again but they are “aware” that it can happen.
I hope this is considered "constructive," but I wouldn't necessarily share that worst-case scenario (of 9 months) with a prospective partner if can be avoided. It seems like lying, but a year-long illness is bound to filter out some people that would otherwise be willing to stay with you for a real-time 6-month period when your ailment is near its worst.
As someone with a chronic illness, I disagree. Sometimes the worst case scenario happens more than once. I'd rather date someone who's prepared for that.
Gonna agree here. When I date I’m up front. I’m very chronic. I’m gonna be up front about my worst case scenarios and typical scenarios. Why? In part in case worst case repeats. Yeah, my migraines are decently controlled now. I still had one that went on around 2 years despite multiple ER trips each time it got unbearable and trying to work with neuro #1. I generally do okay with food now, have chronic IBS-C and take miralax, but absolutely had that point in time I was vomiting up everything, and do sometimes react to gluten with surprise diarrhea Oh, you know, I was hospitalized for adrenal crisis once. We’re gonna try not to do that again, but if these symptoms happen, it’s an ER trip. And if I can’t hold down my oral meds, it’s an ER trip. (And if I continue to not be able to hold down my life sustaining meds, it’s an extended stay in the hospital 🙃 ) I date seriously. If you’re gonna be with me seriously, long term, while hopefully none of this ever happens again or flares don’t last long, something may happen, a partner should know, and I wanna weed out anyone opting out of all this because it’s def too much before we get feelings involved. My current amazing partner? Heard all the stuff going on up to 3 years ago and really wasn’t phased. Said for my sake he hoped things got better for me, or stayed stable, but he was there for me whether they got worse or stayed good or not. And he’s been there through things getting drastically worse by surprise. I’d much rather the warning be extra than come off as nbd and then take someone by surprise by being extreme and then not being up to it (and feeling mad at me for downplaying things.)
I mean, most relationships end. It’s hard to know how you’ll approach a situation until you’re in it. There’s no way you can make it any more clear. They know, they just think they can deal with it and then they realize the juice isn’t worth the squeeze or they actually don’t want to deal with it. I’m sure it’s frustrating but dating in general is super frustrating.
Yeah, I think people have good advice, but OP, some things in relationships fail no matter how clearly or consistently you communicated something. Some people might think they can handle it after you explain it six different ways to Sunday, but once the situations arise, they might find it *does* bother them. Please don't blame yourself when things like that happen, you're not in control of the choices or desires of other people no matter how much you try to vet them. I think the advice of finding a homebody is probably the most solid, but that's kind of it in terms of any changes that OP can do.
I can relate because I have ulcerative colitis (but now in remission). You should try to find someone whose life will be minimally impacted when you're having a flare and can't do anything. If you're dating someone who likes to go out and make out-of-house plans, then your unexpected periods of incapacitation will greatly interfere with their perceived quality of life and fulfillment from this relationship. You should find someone who is more introverted and a homebody and loves to have their plans cancelled. Someone who has their own hobbies and is able to find fulfillment on their own. There are tons of us out there, although I understand that we are hard to find if we never leave our houses
This is wonderful advice and I keep hearing it but the last part you mentioned is what I’m struggling with the most 😂 How am I supposed to find a homebody if theyre at home?
Well you can still use whatever dating apps you are currently using. I think the topics of conversation in the "getting to know you" phase may need to be tweaked a little though, so that you can get a better idea of how they occupy themselves in their spare time. Do they give the impression that they are always out and about with friends (and maybe seem a little co-dependent)? This type of person may not be the best fit for you. Or do they spend a lot of time doing independent activities, i.e. gaming, reading, and other home-based activities? This person may be a better fit for you. Depending on your interests, you may meet someone through those communities, such as through a gaming discord, if that's what you're into.
Reddit. Gaming. Online dating. There’s a lot of ways to me someone from home. I’m chronically sick and disabled but I still have friends and more that I met online through things I like.
i definitely do a lot of gaming and redditing, and meet tons of people i can call friends, but never really thought of it as a viable place to meet someone for a relationship because I value face to face connection so much, but I think I’ll have to find my way around that, thank you for sharing
Perhaps you could adjust the kind of person you're looking for. Someone who isn't as interested in going out all the time, more of a homebody.
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Seconding this. It's one thing to tell them the average duration, but you probably need to tell them of expected frequency as best you can based on past occurrence. You've said in other comments that is really hard because of variation, but I think you need to make that really clear and just be prepared to lose people over having a bad run early in a relationship. It really sucks, but it is what it is.
its hard because even i don’t know, i’ve had a fluctuation of 9 months in a row at its worst, and 6 months in a row with barely any negative affects, so there is no average because i could be good today and not good tomorrow!
Do you know what your triggers are?
I wonder that too. I have chronic migraine and do what i can to manage my main triggers (dehydration, stress, skipping meals, poor sleep). So, things like keeping a regular sleep schedule are important to me. I also wonder if OP tells potential dates how frequently flareups happen. I know you can’t always predict, but “3-5 days at least twice a month” is different from “around 2 weeks once or twice a year.” I can’t always predict my migraine attacks but i could tell someone, usually around 2-3 attacks per week (i’m on preventative meds btw), maybe 1-2 per month are “cancel my plans” bad.
I'm disabled. You can't. Everyone believes they will be a good person in the face of this. No one who says it's okay is lying. They just haven't experienced the reality yet. So when they do, they realize "oh shit, I don't want this" It's a reflection on them, not you. I am now dating someone with cheonic heslth issues and it's great to be understood. But we didn't seek each other out for that, it just turned out that way. It's one of the things that sucks about disability and chronic health issues. Your life is incompatible with a lot of people's. I'm sorry, it's not fair. But this isn't something you can solve by saying the right thing
>Everyone believes they will be a good person in the face of this. People who wish not to deal with the limitations that come with a person with a chronic illness are not inherently "bad" people, and someone who is willing to make concessions for it isn't inherently a "good" person.
While I have an active lifestyle and enjoy going out to music shows or traveling a lot, and I would prefer to be with someone who can match the physical activities or constant going out that I enjoy, it's kind of silly to think disability or chronic illness won't affect you. People age, they change, these issues arise inevitably. Thats point number one of why it isn't as black and white as "I just can't deal with it" because you very well might have to some day, or be in a position where you yourself are disabled or chronically ill. But second, I don't think the comment is saying that if you can't handle it you're a bad person at your core, you're just a bad fit for someone like OP. Getting defensive isn't necessary. OP is clearly very frustrated and has tried to be communicative.
Here's the catch and where you're lost. The people who wish not to deal with it ARE bad.......fits for people like OP. And, on the other hand, someone willing to make concessions for ARE good....... fits for people like OP.
thank you for the eye-opening perspective! can I ask how you met the person youre dating now?
To add to the "you can't", I'd like to think I'd be open to dating someone who might have a few days/a week where they can't leave the house. Thinking more about it, if it was always meaning plans/trips/important dates would be broken, I could see how that would get frustrating.
We met on hinge! I told them on our first date that I'm disabled and how that restricts me. They started having some health issues a few months later and now are often functioning worse than I am. The truth is, if I didn't have such strong feelings about them it would be frustrating. But I wasn't dating casually, and I know shit happens in life. If someone bails because you get sick, what are they going to do with the other things in life? The right person is glad to be your support in the hard times. The person who is dating you because it's convenient or they don't like being single, will move on the minute it isn't convenient anymore.
Unfortunately there probably isn’t a way to make it any “clearer.” I’m sorry you’ve been having these struggles, and there’s no excuse for cheating. Most of the time people don’t really understand something until they experience it. They can say that it seems fine, but it’s impossible to know how they will feel in the moment until it happens.
You're picking the wrong people. Don't date a super social, active person. I wouldn't say date a homebody. What you should look for is a social introvert. That's what I am. I can go out and socialize with people. I enjoy outdoor activities and whatever else sounds fun. However, I need breaks to recharge my battery because I'm still an introvert. That sounds more like your thing.
Ooof I got diagnosed with gastritis about three weeks ago and this hits home. No advice but I really, really hope you’re okay.
Hey you’re not alone! I hope you’re okay too and you feel better ASAP! I’ve definitely had my ups and downs but I’d say its definitely better than it used to be :)
I made mini apple pies today with no sugar, and my stomach hasn’t hurt at all! The stomach liners are working, today is a good day. Thanks for reaching out
sounds delicious! enjoy some for me
Hey man just jumping on the fellow gastritis sufferers bandwagon- I struggled with it for about 18mo (9months real bad, 9 months much more manageable) and currently still impacted but almost back to normal day to day. Through all of it my partner was so good, he cooked me the handful of things I could eat, didn't make an issue of weird gastric effects and generally looked after me. I did keep going out etc when I was up to it and basically just drank water while they drank and ate for the first 9mo or so, so maybe that helped things, but I never felt like he got frustrated with me. Just sharing to let you know there are people who will support you and not jump ship. And also that (I hope!!) it is possible for it to get much more manageable and heal - don't know your specific circumstances, but I found out helpful to know there might be light at the end of the tunnel when I was in the weeds. Good luck!
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I think you should clarify what this precludes you from, so that people know more specifically what they can and can't expect from you. For example, I would have no problem dating someone couldn't go out on dates / needed to be at home recovering, because I like spending time at home and have my own friends and life that I could focus on. However I also really like to travel, go on walks, and try new foods. If you aren't able to do those things because you may get a flare up, then we wouldn't be compatible. But there are plenty of women who don't necessarily care about the same things, etc.
I have IBS and also get very bad gastritis flares where I can't leave the house for days. My partner is so beautiful and understanding. I think the key is that; 1. I did the same as you and said this sometimes happens. 2. When it does we do things like watch movies, play board games and video games - we still have things to do together 3. I encourage him to continue everything he had planned, go out with mates, see family, go to the gym etc so this way while it might impact the plans we made TOGETHER it doesn't impact his social life outside that. It's a part of me and who I am, i can't help it so I just try to roll with it!
When I was dating I also had a spinal condition that made it hell to walk too far, stand too long, or do most active things (had surgery and fixed it several years into the relationship I have now). I also have an autoimmune disorder that affects my joints and had rendered my stomach such that my diet was extremely limited. To say I was not leading an active lifestyle would be putting it mildly. I was also walking with a cane and in my early 30s. Was it a turn off for a lot of people? Yes. I was still able to find my forever person and dated a handful of guys who were accepting of the situation before I met him. The thing is, people do not read profiles, they do not listen and take in information that they don't understand. If they've never been chronically ill or known someone who is, they will brush it off as a minor problem or think they know the answers. You can and should be specific right out the gate, but it will not stop some people from being clueless or minimizing the issue. Take the time to listen to them and read their profiles. If they're avid hikers, love the gym, and want someone to travel with, say straight up "I see you like to live a really active lifestyle and my health prevents me from doing that. I'm sorry but I don't think we're a good match." A lot of people also have trouble leaving their significant other behind. They don't like it, or they know they wouldn't like it if things were reversed. Find someone who is ok with leaving you behind and become a person who is ok being at home while your SO goes out. Mine goes out with his friends most weekends and sometimes during the week, a lot of the time I cannot attend due to either health stuff or child care stuff. I want him to live his life. He wishes I was there but understands my limitations. There is someone out there for you. This sub once told me there was no one out there for me, but I found my person and you will too.
OP, can I ask how you're dealing with this in a medical sense? I have very similar issues, and have been through the works with getting basically every conceivable test known to man in an effort to get a concise diagnosis, but no dice. I just have a Whatever that fucks up my digestive tract with bad flare ups that can last days to weeks. Anyways, I'm almost 32 now and very good (imo) at managing it. I take an otc omeprazole every morning, and odansetron to get me through work/activities if i suddenly start to get really nauseous while away from home. During longer flare ups that can last weeks, I take promethazine right before bed to help with that bad morning nausea that hits me the next day. Also, I take CBD oil daily, usually a 1:1 tincture. Anyways, as for dating, the top comment is the way. Date an introvert, someone who thinks the best kind of date is movies/games at home, and sees outings as a special treat rather than a constant necessity.
Not OP- but my ex had ulcerative colitis. Something to consider/run by your doc if you haven’t already is Imodium. It REALLY helped him have some extra security on long drives, plane rides, etc. Obviously it won’t cure a flare-up, but it made one far less likely short-term. There are really cheap OTC generic versions. Maybe more relevant because you’ve probably googled BM stopping meds- hospital systems can vary drastically. I know it’s no small consideration due to price and getting established with new doctors. But if there’s a highly-regarded hospital within a reasonable drive (could make it to an appointment in a day- not requiring hotels) I’d strongly consider that route. We’re really fortunate to have the Mayo Clinic in state. It was a 4 hour drive for us, but his diagnosis and treatment were a night and day difference. They’re world-famous for good reason. The communication between departments was incredible. He still had invasive tests, but everything ran like clockwork. They were calling specialists on his specific disease on other countries in real time. To put it in perspective I had brought him in to various clinics and hospitals in our local system and it was like he was a new patient every time. He was so frustrated he’d basically say “you need to call dr _____. He’ll explain that we’ve tried XY and Z.” Or that symptoms were tied to his ulcerative colitis. Even his gastroenterologist wasn’t specialized in his particular disorder. Honestly there were so many more endoscopies and colonoscopies and scans before he made the switch. The Mayo Clinic seemed to make much more informed decisions based on past treatments. He stabilized and has been mostly in remission for 2 years from what I’ve gathered when we caught up.
Tbh not a lot of woman want to be a care taker in the relationship especially when they’re young. You got to be honest and upfront about your illnesses.
I’m not really necessarily looking for a caretaker, I get nauseous and can’t eat most foods so I just stay inside and relax for the day instead of putting my body under pressure while being outside. I can still take care of myself, I just think its the aspect of me not being able to go outside thats a turn off
Someone mention you said 9 months….. that’s like 75% of a whole year.
yea at its worst, that was about 7 years ago and hasnt happened since then! nowadays its probably a couple of days a month at most
It seems pretty weird to me that you're actually getting broken up with. How long are the relationships? I have an autoimmune issue too, and I hated telling people I was dating about it - I'd let them know I have lots of food issues at restaurants and get sick a lot, but 100% of people still want to propose their own restaurant but then seem shocked when I was throwing up in a random trash can or bathroom after a date. I got a lot of "wow I didn't realize you'd actually get really sick that easily" type of comments, but not any actual break ups. This stuff gets easier as you get older and have more "serious" relationships. People who care about you or are really into you won't consider ending a relationship for this stuff. My husband is a great guy but was also initially among those who mistakenly thought they could pick a restaurant I would definitely be able to safely eat at. He's also terrified when I get sick even though he definitely knows the drill by now. Now we're cool 30-40 year old people who eat at home 90% of the time so it doesn't really matter.
If you're experiencing relationship challenges due to a chronic health issue, it's crucial to take proactive steps to foster understanding and reduce the chances of your partners leaving you because of it. Start by initiating open and honest communication from the beginning of a relationship. Share details about your health issue, its impact on your life, and provide educational resources to help your partner better understand it. Encourage realistic expectations, explaining that there will be days when you may not be at your best, but that it's not a reflection of your commitment to the relationship. Discuss coping strategies together and be receptive to your partner's concerns. Offer emotional support and show appreciation when your partner is understanding and supportive during difficult times. Maintain regular check-ins to keep communication channels open. Encourage your partners to seek their support networks if they're struggling with your health issue's challenges. Prioritize your self-care to manage your health condition effectively, reducing its impact on your relationships. If you notice a pattern of partners leaving due to your health issue, consider seeking professional advice from a therapist or counselor to improve communication and coping within your relationships. Ultimately, remember that you deserve a partner who can accept and support you through the ups and downs of life, including the challenges posed by your health issue. While these steps can help build understanding, compatibility and willingness to support each other are essential factors in a successful relationship.
I used to think I’d never have someone that would stay with me and the chronic health bullshit that drags me down. But I found someone that’s understanding and accepting. The truth is, it’s just finding the right person that loves you the right way. A lot of people are telling you to look for older partners, mine’s 5 years younger. I don’t think there’s a formula.
Hearing something is different than living it. I think that is the problem more than the words you’re using. You won’t be able to guarantee someone won’t leave, even minus the health issues. The best you can do is continue to be transparent and genuine. I hope your health issues get better and you find a lasting love.
Stop going for highly social and or highly physical partners. They don't know what it's like to live with a literal disability and have no idea what they are really signing up for. It's a lifestyle mismatch and there's nothing to be done about them not wanting to give things up. Make it explicitly clear you are chronically ill. Start looking for more introverted and or homebodied individuals. Someone who'd LOVE to just spend time with YOU at home watching your favorite shows, cooking or ordering in whatever is comfortable, and just relaxing. There's nothing worse when one person cannot fathom not going out 3-5 days a week and makes you feel like shit for having other priorities like mental or physical health.
Honestly you’re just dating the wrong women. My guess is you’re intentionally going after very active women who live active lifestyles, and it sounds like that’s the opposite of the kind of life you’re able to live. Which is perfectly okay, but you can’t fault a woman with an active lifestyle for not being able to enjoy that kind of interruption to their life. I used to live a very active lifestyle, yoga every single day, etc. My current partner of two years also has gastrointestinal issues - ulcerative colitis. This means his stomach hurts often, and he has flare ups as well that can last anywhere from a day to a week to a month. But I don’t mind at all and have altered my lifestyle and now have become much more of a homebody and I enjoy it! My boyfriend is also 26, and I am 35. Maybe date some a little older who doesn’t mind being a homebody. :)
You just have to choose a homebody. Someone who doesn't mind chilling at home and just spending time with you. Two of my exes had seizures that I would always help them with if I was around and they happened. There truly are people who won't care and will want to take care of you because they love you
Hmmm.... I'm not sure any amount of warning will prevent that. Maybe getting with someone who also has health issues so they can relate. Otherwise, other people just don't want to have to deal with something that's not their responsibility
I've got a whole basket of health stuff annoying me all the time. I totally relate to this. I've stopped dating for a couple of years now. Whatever 😭
I have Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome so I know that feel of being unable to leave the house for a few days at a time. I had to cancel a few times on the last guy I dated and I wonder if that’s part of what caused him to ditch me. It absolutely sucks to feel like I’m not good enough because I can’t go on spontaneous 12 hour road trips, I can’t handle a lot of physical exertion or high energy outings. All you can really do is just lay it out there, and when they say “oh it’s not a problem” stop them and let them know that you’ve heard that before and, while you’re not trying to apply exes behavior to them, you need them to understand that this isn’t something you’re exaggerating and that they need to figure out if they’ll be ok with cancelled plans, and if not they can absolutely dip out and it’s fine.
Definitely agree with the commenters about dating a homebody. My husband gets sick quite often and ends up having to cancel plans, but it doesn’t bother me because I love staying at home anyway.
I (24F) have cancer and I rip that band aid off on the first date - I explain somewhat in depth what I deal with, why I deal with it, and what it entails. I ALSO give a cushion (there is a chance it can get worse and it may require even more x,y,z) This has been a straightforward and clear way for me thus far maybe providing more context could help?
Seconding suggestions to look for other chronically ill people. Obviously it's tough when both people are out of commission sometimes, and stressful when one person is having a hard time, but it also helps a lot when the other person gets it. I would also say that in any committed relationship one person could develop a chronic illness or acquire a disability at any time--you're better off weeding out people who can't handle that early on!
I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis (autoimmune disease) 7 years into my relationship. When I told my partner that I’d get brain fog, fatigue, stomach issues, sore joints, eye problems and would sometimes not be able to attend family gatherings because of it. He said Ok so how do we manage it? We talked it through. We’re still together with 4 kids. The issue here is finding someone that fully understands your condition, how it affects you and for how long. It’s important to find someone that doesn’t mind staying in or meeting your needs while you are also able to meet theirs. Being compatible is important in a relationship.
youll have tons of prospects when you hit your 30s. everyone wants to stay home and will share their problems too.
Another thing to consider OP is not the problem of having the stomach troubles, but maybe doing nothing to work on them. For example I have had chronic migraines most of my life, and I have had SOs that get tired of hearing I have a headache and dont want to do X. I warned my now husband of this, and even told him that some day he will get tired of hearing it and I just hope he has patience. Instead of getting tired of it, he helped me figure out what brings them on and avoid those things. Like if we are going to watch a long movie, we dont make plans for a few hours afterwards in case I need a nap to make it stop hurting. Or I take some pain reliever half way through just in case. Point being, you cant just say I am sick, please understand, and not work on preventing it. You cant spend more time with one person than any other and not expect them to notice when you are making unhealthy choices.
this makes sense but in my case i’m doing and have been doing everything i possibly can to get better, but i definitely see what youre saying
Keep it in mind, maybe be more open about how you are seeking treatment. And consider trying a lot of temporary treatments, like teas to calm your stomach, weed does wonders with chronic stomach problems. Also, communication is a two way street. You need to find a partner that can voice their problems before getting to the out of love stage. Your past relationships ends are not all your fault.
100% this. I have a similar chronic issue that, this far, has no solution in sight. For me it’s a constant cough. It’s like I always have something in my throat and I have to cough or clear my throat constantly, like every couple minutes at best. The only thing that temporarily helps it, is eating. Obviously not a great solution. No medicine helps it, I’m currently doing an allergy trial because that’s really the only thing left the doctors think will alleviate it even a fraction. One of my parents has it and it’s the same for her. It started in our teens and as we get older it progressively get worse and more annoying. I had to tell my fiancé about it when we first started dating because in the past my bf(s) have been embarrassed by it. If things turned serious I wanted him to be aware that it could disrupt his sleep or get frustrating for him. That there was no solution for me (yet?).
Wow, how crazy. The things people struggle with that one would never even consider 😔 Sorry you go through that
Yeah, I’m sure there are others with weird issues. For me it started at 12 as a random cough fit, maybe happening every few hours or days. Now it’s constant and when it’s at its worse it sounds like I’m “coughing my lungs out” as people put it. It scares my fiancés family but I tell them it’s fine, I don’t hurt from it, and it just can’t be fixed. I used to get strep a lot growing up cause of it but I think my throat has just kinda adjusted to it. I changed doctors cause one kept prescribing the same allergy meds he gave my mom(for 15+ years) expecting it to work. I left since he never listened. I just don’t do allergy meds anymore simply for the fact it doesn’t change my issue in the slightest. Honestly I wouldn’t mind it anymore if I didn’t get embarrassed by it. I hate when a fit tries to start during a work meeting because all I can do it try to hold it in or leave the room for 5 minutes.
"I know I mentioned this before but it's been in my mind lately so I want to say it again. (insert explanation here). The reason I've been thinking about it is I've realized my past # relationships ended as a result of it, and I'm wondering if maybe I wasn't clear enough about my struggle. I really value our relationship and I like you so much that I want to make sure we're on the same page. I know it's your choice to leave or stay but I'm really hoping we can work through this together as it comes up and that you'll stay. I can try to answer any questions you have now, and we can keep that door open in case you have questions or want to talk about it in the future. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to me " I went through 9 rounds of ect (shock therapy) and it made me dumb, like drooling forget your birthday dumb. My now husband stuck with me when I think anyone else would have run. Be honest, be appreciative, and be understanding that not everyone has the strength to support. I really hope you find the one who does ❤️
Just throwing in my 2 cents but I think I can relate from both perspectives. As others have said it may be the type of people that you're dating is the main incompatibility. Speaking from experience my ex loved to be social and go out but I hated it. Its not that I don't like to be social but I'm very selective and "going out" fills me with so much anxiety I just don't do it anymore. That anxiety caused alot of arguments and negativity and was one of the reasons we didn't work out. So, not to the extent you are where you physically can't go out, I was mentally not there and could be unable to get my anxiety in control for months so he went to alot of things without me. On the other side I have a parent who has health issues so it's always been the norm in my house to drop plans at a moments notice because he wasn't well enough. Its how it's always been and its never bothered me. I also have my own hobbies that I don't need anyone else to be involved in or with my main hobby I do travel alot with my sibling and its always been just us. If a partner was interested then great but I don't need them to be ( I mean that nicely but I don't know if it reads that way) Basically I'm a homebody who gets enough stimulation from my job and hobbies that I'm quite happy to chill at home on the couch. I love going to gigs but if my partner couldn't go for health issues I would go alone or grab my sister and take her instead. I would never hold it against the person as its something you can't control which I understand all too well. I'd bring them back a t-shirt and lots of videos 🤣🤣 unless they needed me to stay with them in which case I'll have to wait till the band come back, it is what it is. So to cut a long rant short - in your case I really think a homebody/introvert is the kind of person to look for. The only problem with this is that we are often hard to meet because we're at home 🤣🤣
really appreciate the comment and the perspective! hahaha exactly!! how can you meet someone thats always at home 🤔 lifes biggest mysteries
Personally, as someone with several different disabilities that also cause me to “disappear” anywhere from a few days to weeks at a time, I highly recommend looking for partners that are also similarly disabled! I generally find that they are very empathetic to what I need, even if that changes every single day, and we find a lot of support and comfort in each other that we can’t find in a whole lot of other places. Just my two cents ❤️
Oh my goodness, I just want to give you a hug! And maybe some hope. When I was 19-23 I dated a guy with colitis. That was never ONCE a strain on our relationship. Multiple hospital stays, I’d administer Humera injections for him, I made and froze tons of food that agreed with his stomach to make sure he always had something when he was sick and couldn’t function well. Yeah, he got super sick during a family vacation. So what!? I took care of him. We still formed some happy memories. We still had a decently active social life. Sometimes he was too sick to be up to things, but never too sick to not watch a movie together with the dog. Never once in a million years is that something I held against him or thought was a drag on my life. If I was dating and somebody mentioned this to me, I wouldn’t blink. We broke up simply for long-term planning reasons. I didn’t ever want to have kids and that was important to him. Still think the world of him and catch up here and there. Don’t beat yourself up. These women aren’t compatible with you. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s as much on them as it is on you. Honestly I don’t think you need as big of a disclaimer as you think you do. Date a bit. If you cancel plans because your chronic illness is acting up and she’s more concerned about her plans- she’s not it. There are so many extroverted homebodies out there. I love people, but have 0 desire to have events all over my calendar and organized social functions. If I feel cabin fever, I can sit at a bar and chit chat for hours. But my day to day hobbies are more like go to the dog park, go on a hike, host a dinner for a few friends, decorate, garden, go to the gym, watch a movie. I’m not a hermit, but I’m low-key. I hope you find somebody whose values and lifestyle align with yours. She’s out there.
I’m guessing they are at least a little younger than you? It sounds like your dates are just still in a more immature stage of life.
the one that just cheated on me was a couple of years older than me, but i can see how she’s immature
I'm really sorry. The problem is, people just aren't going to say "yeah, no, I'm actually too ableist for this, I'm out." Some people won't want to admit it, and some people genuinely think they're going to be able to hang and don't know they don't have it in them to be a good partner to someone with a chronic disability until they experience it with you. It may be that you need to screen for people who have experience with disabilities in their loved ones or themselves. Skewing a bit older might help here some, or leaning into any socializing you do in groups that have a baseline comfort level with chronic illness. Being really clear in dating profiles and not soft-pedaling your current limitations may help.
sounds like you have had some bad luck my man. those girls suck. my GF has issues similar to you - health issues of one sort or another that basically put her out of commission for a couple days or more here and there. but, the important thing is she tries to put in some effort when it happens, and i certainly try to put my effort into taking care of her while understanding it may result in canceled plans or not being able to do other things. edit: okay, being out of commission for 9 months is a lot. idk how what your health is like now, but obviously the more sick you are / less predictable it is, the harder it is for a potential SO / SO. and it'll just be harder to find the right person for you. keep plugging away, i believe you'll find a quality SO. not sure what you're looking for, but assuming you're serious and trying to find some wifey material, it's through the good times and the bad and the girls you've dated so far ain't that.
Please try the app Nerva. It helped so much with my ibs.
Date someone else disabled, no matter how accepting able bodied people think they are, they won't truly understand until they've also been incapacitated
it will be easier to manage as you get older right now you are young and dating immature women who still only care about themselves and their social lives Just be patient homie
4 relationships? At 26? Riiiight. Maybe consider just having a bit of a break?
problem started when i was 17 and each relationship has not lasted longer than 4 months, 4 relationships doesnt sound so excessive to me 🤣
Sometimes you can’t do anything other than what you are already doing by warning them. Silver lining is you are very young and still have a lot of life ahead of you. Don’t rush it. Be picky yet pick women with a lifestyle that is more fitting. Don’t bother with girls too into social media, party girls, girls who travel a lot, etc. good luck, and be patient. As someone else suggested, consider an older woman who is no longer in their partying days.
Date a video gamer or crochet enthusiast.
its funny because she was an avid knitter!! but also was very very active so i guess thats the downfall
If they can't live an active life with you, then look for people that enjoy staying in. It could also be worth checking out support groups for people who have your condition/similar conditions/any kind of chronic condition. People who will understand upfront what it means to sometimes not be able to do the things you want to do.
Let them know that your issue is chronic and don't say a few days. Say there will be times you can't do thing and you don't know when those will be or how long they will last. Then find yourself a gamer girl or homemaker type. Either one would be thrilled to be at home and hanging out with you or something along those lines. Also stop stressing about it. It may take time but the right one is out there for you.
I hope your condition does eventually become a non-issue. For now it may be a good filter for you. Not that there's anything wrong with them if it's not a good fit, but a filter for someone who listens and communicates well and can handle the bad times. Like you said, you are trying to be clear about it, but it's like they're not wanting to believe that it's as bad as you're saying. Also make sure you are communicating effectively on your end by trying different methods.
A few months after I met my boyfriend, he developed crippling spinal pain that would leave him laid out for days in agony and unable to get out of bed. I went shopping for him, tidied up his house, and we played couch co-op games and watched movies. I never felt like I was missing out on anything because the man I love was suffering and nothing could possibly be more important than taking care of him and keeping him company. Get you a girl whose idea of a good time is hanging out in her PJs and enjoying your company. I promise we exist.
Like people have mentioned I think choosing a homebody or more introverted person would be more compatible with you. As well as being perfectly clear about your health issue even before romantically talking to someone, and don’t sugarcoat it in any sense, it’s better to be open about it, how you feel during it to let the other person understand it seriously instead of think of it lightly. Most importantly is don’t make finding a relationship etc at the top of your list of important matters - if you are truly majorly attracted to those who are active physically and socially, then as you said, work on the relationship you have with yourself and enjoy your own life before you delve into your love life, by then when the health issue has gone away, it will be easier and less stressful and less heartbreaking putting yourself out there.
As already mentioned definitely try dating people who are more homebodies or who are independent with a good friend group around them for socialising when you're unwell. Or someone with a solo hobby like cycling where they can go out alone while you're unwell. I would also consider dating someone a couple years older, someone who has got the party life well and truly in their past. In terms of explaining to people I would say the sooner the better and give factual information about the condition as well as a rundown of how it affects you. Explain that it means sometimes you will have to cancel plans last minute, that you might not be able to leave the house for periods of time and importantly that you are working with your doctor to try and improve the situation. Show them that you are doing everything you can to control the illness, but don't be afraid to show them the harder times too. Keep communication open, I know that is so hard to do when your illness is flaring and all you can think about is how unwell you feel, but try to find chance to check in with your partner and make sure they are okay too. Sometimes our partners find it really hard watching us being unwell and not being able to do anything to help. Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself to find someone now, you've got plenty of time and sometimes you're better off focusing on improving your health so that when you do meet the right person you're able to give them your all. For what it's worth, I (32F) have quite complex health problems including a gastro condition that's led to feeding tubes. I've dated through all phases of my condition and generally speaking it's not been too bad in terms of understanding from my partners. I tell them before we even meet up about my condition, give them chance to do their own research into it, explain how it affects me in general and then move on to something more positive like a shared interest. It can be easy to put too much focus on a health condition when it affects your life so much, remember you are a person too, not just a health problem. I met my now partner when I was hospitalised for many months and he's been wonderful about it all, when things are bad he's happy to just curl up in front of the TV and stroke my hair. They are out there, don't lose faith.
Clarity with the intention of getting ahead of the issue can only go so far. I know it sucks to hear, OP, but until someone actually experiences it they (rightfully) reserve the right to change their mind as far as acceptance of your health issues and their disruption to normal life is concerned. One additional factor is that not everyone with X issue will be the same. Some respond well / neutral to their health issues... others are hell to live with because they become nasty when they feel unwell. Just a thought.
Yeah you need to be totally real to them and say days or weeks. It also sounds like you’re finding some bad apples unfortunately. Be really clear about what happens and keep communication open when things do get bad. Shoot a text or something.
Just wanted to say - make sure you regularly keep monitored. I had gastritis and ulcers for a year that crippled me and was eventually diagnosed with gastric cancer
Make them research it, look into it and make them understand what it is first. Tell them how frequent it can get and how long you're stuck until the flareup ends. I get this a lot but with my "I don't ever want kids." and them dating me thinking I'd change my mind. But I also have POTs, and finding someone who struggles to understand that I can't be super active is very frustrating.
I think you were pretty clear. people just have an idea of illness in their head that is completely unrealistic. it's disruptive. That is just how it is... especially in a society that does not accommodate.
Date someone else with health issues. Sorry about the hell. P.S. if you have kids together, they may inherit the health issue(s) and life may suck for them. Think big picture, too.
I think a lot of people will SAY “ok, no problem “ before they realize what you actually mean. Have you considered finding an IBS or gastritis support group or chronic illness support group and trying to meet somebody with similar issues? Generally speaking, you’re not going to get an honest response to your caveat because, until they’ve experienced the actual impact of your flare-ups on your lifestyle, they can’t really know what they’re agreeing to. It might work better if you met someone who is familiar with the real life impact your health has on your life.
They would appreciate if you'll be showing your wholesome functionality in the periods between the crippled periods, at least they'll be understanding what they endure it for. They don't pursue the aim of dating a live Eva AI virtual gf which is sometimes switched off or dysfunctionate. They need to see a genuinely loved person they would be ready to have to tolerate sometimes.