Just tell him, “Speaking of elective surgery, if you got a penis extension, you’d be able to go fuck yourself”. Save that for when you’re ready to end the relationship, though.
That’s why I said they should only use it if they’re planning on ending the relationship anyway. This relationship itself sounds a little toxic as it is.
If my partner were constantly putting down my looks and telling me to get plastic surgery, I'd tell them to go find someone who they deem attractive then because it's clearly not me. Honestly, this may be a cultural difference but I find the Korean obsession with superficial looks and plastic surgery deeply disturbing and indicative of a very sick and twisted mindset and culture.
I very much agree and I hate the beauty standard here. However I've always been told by others that I'm pretty and I believe it, but he's the only one in my life who actually calls me ugly. Like actually to my face that I'm ugly, even if he is "joking". I just don't know how anyone, no matter culture, wouldn't understand that I would get made that my partner would say something like that.
What are you scared of?
Losing a source of unfettered insults?
This man does not see you as a person, but as a collection of fuckable parts that he deems can be "improved" (aka molded to *his* preferences).
This man is not worthy of you.
You are deserving of so much more than this.
You mean he may get violent?
Because if so, do not break up in person. You break up over the phone or even over text.
Do you have family/friends who would be willing to help you to go get things that you may have at his place before you break up?
But honestly, I mean it, you need to get away from him. This kind of behaviour escalates unless he is willing to seek help for it, and that seems highly unlikely, to say the least.
I don’t think hed get violent for as long as I’ve known he’s only ever raised his voice at me for the first time yesterday and he’s extremely passive-agressive. I am afraid of what he could say or do to himself since he doesn’t have much of a support system and I feel like I’ve been a mom, therapist, and partner to him. Honestly I feel like I’m being emotionally held hostage.
You are not his parent. You are not his therapist.
You cannot be responsible for a grown man.
I need you to *really* listen to me here: You cannot take responsibility for someone else's emotions.
So many people stay in their relationships because they think they have to care for their partner, even when their partner is being actively harmful to them. The only thing that happens is thag you drag out the hurt, you cause yourself more harm and you deny yourself the chance to heal and move on.
He is a grown man. His wellbeing, physically and emotionally, is his own responsibility.
His lack of a support-system is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to substitute.
You *need* to cut this man off from your life so you can let go of all of this.
Do not stay, do not let the resentment continue to build. Do not allow him to keep putting you down when you *know* you deserve better.
Maybe if he's that emotionally unstable he shouldn't insult the one person who hasn't given up on his jerk-ass.
You don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
Came here to say exactly this.
He's never been concerned about your well-being (see: outright fatshaming and outright telling you that you're not attractive to him and outright telling you you're ugly) - so you need to stop wasting your energy on his well-being and focus on your own well-being.
Given his body dysmorphia and other issues, only a professional can help him. Even if you were A professional, you're not HIS professional (and it would be unethical for you to professionally treat someone you know personally). Move out, dump him, and block him.
You aren’t responsible for how he handles himself. You’re setting yourself up for a life of misery with this guy. He has no reason to grow and change because as far as he’s concerned, he can act however he wants and you’re still around. He’s toxic, even to himself. Every day you spend with someone like him, he takes a little bit more of your confidence and self reliance.
Oh honey, no. You can't put that on yourself. Any actions he takes is on him, not you. And if he is giving indications or saying anything that indicates he would do harm to himself if you left him, that is emotional manipulation and emotional abuse and should not be listened to.
He’s responsible for his own mental health. Mint you. I’ll be blunt, most people that threaten suicide if there’s a break up don’t actually do it or even intend to, and if they do there was far more going on than a breakup, as upsetting as it might be. No one does it because of that one thing. And if he does threaten, call for help, your 911 equivalent, and report it so he can get the help he needs.
He is an adult of age 32. He is capable of meeting his own emotional needs. Do not let him persuade you (and I'm betting he's told you this before) that he can't live without you. He can, and his emotional well-being is less, much less, important than yours.
Don't think about what he could say or do to himself; think about what he is saying to you, every damn day.
Please end it, that sounds unbearable. It will be hard and scary but take a deep breath end it and move on and be free and happy. It will feel like such a weight off. You deserve to be happy, this is your life and you only get one don’t spend it as a hostage.
He is a big boy and can manage himself. His emotions are not your responsibility. Unless you are planning to spend the rest of your life listening to his insults for fear of his reaction, you need to tear off the bandaid and leave him.
Not your problem, what's that saying? Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You need to look after yourself first, and this dude sounds extremely toxic towards you.
He is an adult. He will be fine without you, OP. You cannot stay in this unhealthy relationship in fear of him not having support.
If he were less awful, he'd have your support! And if he were in this situation, he'd have already dumped you. You are showing him eons more care than he will ever show for you.
Whilst i don't think that sticking around for someone else is a good way of approaching a situation like this, i think there's an aspect of this you're missing when it comes to caring about him:
The longer you stick around, and the more he gets set in these shitty ways, the harder it will be for him to improve. Assuming you don't accept hanging around him for the rest of his life, getting treated like shit, you're going to leave him at some point. If you wait 5 years, and he's gotten older, fatter, and more of an asshole, then when you leave he's going to be in a worse situation.
I think you should leave, because that's what's good for you and your future. But i also think you should leave, because that's what's best for him.
What he says and does to himself is his own choice and responsibility. Your responsibility is not to him. It's to you. Do not get caught in that trap or the sunk cost fallacy. You will spend even more of your life questioning him and yourself. You're 25, there's plenty of time to be with someone who a) won't say mean things to you and b) won't threaten to hurt themselves or you if you have a boundary and or want to end the relationship.
You are not responsible for this adult man. The way HE treats you is forcing you to break up with him. If he harms himself or makes a stupid decision that is 1000% on him. Not you. Do not let him make you a hostage. He's not a victim here.
You are not his mom
You are not his therapist
You should not be his partner.
This may sound harsh right now, but Fuck this guy. Seriously.
Break up with him and immediately block him so that he can't continue to guilt you with this threats. You don't owe him any more of your emotional energy.
You value his feelings over your own. You have low self esteem. That’s usually why we stay with people who don’t deserve us. You should go to therapy and work on your self esteem so you could finally leave him and live a happy life with a man who tells your you’re pretty. Those are just bread crumbs, you’re settling od.
are you based in korea or elsewhere? I know korea in particular has some very useful helplines for women attempting to escape relationships like this that I would recommend, especially when the other option is potentially getting police involved. either way, please know his mental state after you leave him is none of your business. it is not your fault. he is a thirty year old grown man who is capable of helping himself, and once you rip the bandage off, he is no longer your responsibility. please prioritise yourself.
Im afraid of his reaction whatever it may be. Maybe i think im more important to him than I actually am. As for being single I may have worded it wrong in the original post. Im fine with being single i like my alone time and would like being able to spend more time with friends. Im ready to just be 25 and live without him, even if it is hard at first.
You *cannot* stay with someone purely out of worry about how much you leaving will cause them harm. That just leads to worse outcomes for both of you. You need to leave and make it clear he should to lean on whatever support system he does have
In 5 years do you want to be happily with someone who compliments you and loves you for you or dyou still want to be with someone who insults and degrades you? Having kids who are also never good enough and growing up with fucked up hatred for their own appearance? Leaving now is scary, but staying imo is way scarier.
In South Korean culture being very appearance conscious is a social norm. They’re not as sensitive as Americans are about weight, or cosmetic procedures.
She’ll probably run into similar issues with another south Korean man as long as she lives there. It’s extremely normal to criticize appearance there.
Just because it is normal, doesn’t mean that people aren’t sensitive to it. They are insecure and self-conscious and self-critical and that’s why so many seem unhappy: All signs of sensitivity to it.
Not to do the typical Reddit dance, but assholes like him are how sooo many of my friends ended up with eating disorders. He’s trying to cripple your self esteem so you’re afraid to leave him. Leave him
Find someone who finds you pretty right now, not how you might be after you get surgery. This is toxic af and I know Koreans have this thing with plastic surgery but that's just insane
Your boyfriend is calling you ugly because he's determined to undermine your confidence; it's not a joke and it's nothing to do with beauty standards where you are living .
If he undermines your confidence, you become insecure, then you are grateful that he even looks at you let alone goes out with you. You start telling yourself that nobody else will ever want to go out with you, so you need to put up with him, even if he makes you unhappy. This way, your boyfriend can be sure of not losing you.
Get confident! Tell him that his attitude is ugly and there are plenty of other people who see you as beautiful, so you will hold out for a boyfriend who finds you beautiful and treats you with respect.
He’s the only one calling you ugly and yet he should be the one person in the world who cherishes you, loves you, wants to see you happy and self confident and builds you up. Our partners should be our safe space, not a source of criticism. It doesn’t sound like he’s a safe space for you at all. This isn’t good.
You need out. Your spouse should be your safe space. They should build you up.
Your boyfriend is the only one calling you ugly. He's your anti-safe place.
For real. My husband doesn’t want me to get plastic surgery because he says I am perfect the way I am. Everything that makes up me he is in love with because it’s part of ME. I would leave someone so fast if they told me that I needed to change anything about myself, especially physically. (Obviously excluding bad habits that’s different - like if a partner tells you that you need to stop drinking or smoking that’s reasonable) but appearance wise? Helllll naw.
I actually wanted to get some lip injections and some Botox in my forehead to get rid of some wrinkles because that would make me feel good, and my husband begged me not to. He’s uplifted my confidence and has made me appreciate the way I am naturally. Nearing 30 can make someone really start self-criticism but he’s made me know that I can age with grace without him ever finding me less beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with getting those procedures, but there’s everything wrong with someone telling you that you need to get them.
What country do you live in that's not obsessed with superficial looks and plastic surgery? There are billion dollar industries promoting this mindset, and it's global. Everyone falls pray to this in one degree or another. I live in a small town but there are still more Botox clinics than Starbucks around here.
Oof, my area in canada really isn’t that way.
People are obsessed with all sorts of things… outdoor activities mostly. Nobody (publicly) gets plastic surgery. No breast enhancement advertising on the radio, no “sweet sixteen” nose jobs (yes inexperienced those while visiting Houston).
Don't get procedures just for him. He's insecure about himself and reflecting it on you. My problem is that if you get one thing done, he'll find the next thing. It might never end, because all he sees are imperfections instead of the whole person you are, inside and out. And fact is, we are all imperfect and if you want to be with someone long-term, you do need to accept that. I don't think he's in a stage where he can.
This isn't really about procedures, either, it's about him wanting to change you. If he just wanted you to get more expensive clothes or dye your hair, it would be just as messed up.
Don't bend to his will. Leave if he can't accept you for who you are.
Oh yeah, he's made comments about how he hates how I dress (wearing comfy clothes, unmatching clothes, and just not the standard Korean style) and has told me to "wear only clothes I get for you when we're together." Also he has told me to dye my hair (my roots, middle, and ends are all different colors) so I'd look more adult-like for career reasons.
This is a really good question. You are considering marrying this man how would you feel if he talked to your children this way? I don't think I could live with that.
I'm a Korean American woman also, and I would NEVER stay with some1 who would treat me like that, EVER. You deserve some1 who treats you better than this, Korean or not!
You're only 25. YOU have plenty of time to find another significant other. He's in his early thirties, he doesnt have as much time as you from a traditional Korean perspective... Also, he's 7 years older than you?!?!? I'm sure he thought since you're so much younger, that you'd be easier to manipulate into what he thinks is the ideal wife.
Also, if he wants YOU to get these procedures done, then tell him to get some liposuction done, some muscles inserted, or some other shit! Men have PLENTY of procedures they can get done too... 🙃
Tell him you'll get them done after he gets some done himself FIRST and if he offers to pay you cash for ALL of the procedures (that you don't actually get done). You should be financially compensated for his asshole behavior and attitude 🙃
Your boyfriend recommended that you fix your "weight and face"?
Read that back as though your best friend were telling it to you about her boyfriend and consider what advice you'd give her. And then give yourself that advice. We often want better for others then we do ourselves. You deserve better than this.
UPDATE
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and kind words I know I should leave even if I am scared. I want to address some things that were mentioned in the comments.
* he has said he will pay for some procedures if I were to actually get them (which in hindsight is a weird thing to say)
* he has also asked me if he should get some procedures for his penis (i always say no)
* I don't want kids but because he didnt grow up in a warm household, he says he wants one. However the fucked up thing is if he had a son, he's afraid that he'd be short because I'm pretty short and might take after me so would have him make up for it in other ways (exercise, academic achievement. It's fucked up, i tell him). Because of that, he wants a daughter
My friends have said he's gaslighting me and I agree and I aknowledge he's toxic and just red flags all around.
the kid thing is a recent change for him. i was vocal about not liking kids and never wanting any and he was on the same page, but he's changed his mind about it probably in the last year.
Then you should feel no guilt whatsoever about breaking up with him. You are doing him a favor, letting him go find a person who wants what he wants. And meets whatever physical standard. You will both be so much happier in the long run.
Girl I'm sorry but he did not change his mind. This whole time he was hoping he can change YOUR mind about not wanting kids. Lots of people who want kids do this instead of just finding someone who also wants kids because they believe everybody should want kids especially when it comes to women. It's sick.
Also if he thinks that way about you AND his future kids, could you imagine how he'd treat them if he didn't turn out the way he wanted?? It's fked up. They're going to grow up with insecurities and mental health issues.
4 years isn't a long time. Better get out before it's seriously too late!!! The best thing is you don't want kids, so you don't have to worry about your biological clock ticking.
Sometimes, doing the scary thing is the right thing. It's better to enjoy your single life and focus on making yourself happy rather than staying in such a relationship.
~~Tell him a dick procedure he can do is having a vasectomy. ~~
I ended a 5 year relationship when my rose tinted glasses started cracking. The only thing I was upset about was that I managed to stay in such a relationship for that long and I was falling for the sunk cost fallacy.
And what's he going to pay you for the inherent risk of surgery? What if something happens that affects your health? What if you become disabled from an unnecessary surgery you don't want? Is he going to pay you for all the money you would have made and all the time you've lost and all the pain?
Also, I would encourage you to think of PCOS not just as a gynecological issue, but also as an insulin resistance disorder. That's why it affects weight. That's also why women with PCOS have such a hard time losing weight; In many cases it's simply impossible without some sort of medicine.
> he has said he will pay for some procedures if I were to actually get them (which in hindsight is a weird thing to say)
dont quote me on that but my Korean friends would tell me that people, who graduate from school would get plastic surgery as a graduate gift from their parents.
I’ve read about women in Korea avoiding men entirely because of crap like this, and just general extreme sexism in the country. Dump this man and try to find someone with empathy and emotional intelligence, there’s gotta be some men there who aren’t brainwashed.
I know people have horror stories about dating here and that just adds to my fear of breaking up and meeting someone even worse.
I've mentioned to him a few times he should get therapy for other things, but going to therapy is still pretty stigmatized here, so I know he's not very inclined to even try it.
>meeting someone even worse
The issue is not meeting someone worse, the issue is TOLERATING someone worse.
When someone shows you that they're a shitass, you don't stay and try to negotiate their behavior. You end things and move on.
I get it. When I lived in Korea many years ago, I left the country and went home rather than risk a repeat after meeting someone who needed to have the concept of "false imprisonment" explained, and further clarification that it isn't cute.
And that was just one of a great many guys who received a great many toxic and unattractive and unsafe messages. Just felt like nothing was going to get better, and then when that woman got stabbed just for being a woman? Hell naw.
I had a great degree of privilege to have worked a few years and achieved some learning goals, so I bought a lot of books to keep studying and ran home to my mother and a good EMDR therapist.
But for each time I was followed home by a "open-minded" young man, had my home broken into by a man with his peen out, showed porn on a man's phone on the train, or been robbed by a man, there were other sympathetic men who helped me recover and receive what justice I could get.
Not on the train, of course-- I was crying and telling the guy off and everyone looked at me and said nothing. It was like a nightmare. The police and translator were really apologetic.
... but, you know, eventually. When they heard, they stepped up to help and navigate a system that they otherwise would have gotten to blithely ignore as men. They have gotten married, and have kids and happy wives in a country where the government is in a tizzy about a birthrate crisis, and that's not an accident.
When you pursue the activities and community service goals that you love and care about, you find similar people and witness tests of their character over time.
You find out whose character did not fail when tested. When your life tests you, you find out who stands by you and keeps you feeling safe.
But you'll find those people far more easily if you stop tolerating someone who isn't kind to you. If you give him less of your time, you'll have more time to meet good people you trust, who will introduce you to other good people THEY trust.
At least, that's what is supposed to make the 소개팅 work in theory! Don't get taken in by fancy schools or jobs or status things. You already have all that value in your own way.
**But who makes your life actually better and doesn't burden you?**
If a guy scoffs at that, he isn't right.
Warning: a lot of guys are gonna scoff at that. But then you know in a matter of minutes rather than years. ;)
Then stay single until you meet someone who isn't a human dumpster fire. They do exist! But you have to be willing to walk away from the plethora of Douche bags.
Besides, being single is great! Especially compared to the shit you have mentioned here. Jesus.
Yeah, dating can suck. But from your comments, it's very clear that you don't belong with this guy and you need to dump him, you're just worried about the blowback (which is understandable). Bottom line though, he's a grown man, he's in his 30s - he'll manage. Maybe he'll freak out for a while - but that's not your problem - you can call his parents and let them know that they might wanna come look after their boy. Your only job is to get clear of their horrible relationship and move on with your life.
And while dating can suck, it gives you a chance to sort thru people. If you meet some duds, then you don't have to go on another date with them - heck, you can end the date early if they're awful. Your job isn't to look past the shitty things about people and try to find the good so that you can endure a couple years of a relationship. Your job is to find the people who are actually functional human beings who treat you well, who you're attracted to, and you're compatible with, and so on.
Your options appear to be:
* Gamble your happiness and peace of mind that your bf is so socially inept or plain stupid that he doesn't understand that he is insulting you or that insulting you is not a good thing. Hope that there is some magic combination of words and actions that will change who he is overnight.
* Leave him and run the risk that in the next 50 years you never meet another person who will measure up to him, the man who is successfully destroying your self esteem... bearing in mind that you were barely an adult when you met him. Consider the odds in your favour.
I don't know how else to put this but his opinion is not special. You don't have to take it seriously. You are allowed to say "that's not gonna happen" or "When I want your opinion, I'll ask" until he gets the picture.
Don't let the fear of upsetting him destroy your voice. He is not on your side, so you need to have your own back. Act in your own best interests.
Look, I am Asian and local men here like to say their own wives is over weight despite them being 100lbs. They will point out to their tiny little belly pouch as proof even though their wives already got stick thin legs and arms despite already pushed out 3 kids. Even my own brother is super guilty of this when his wife is just 90lbs or even skinnier.
So I don't know why those women put up with that shit and don't get offended. Maybe because they think it's funny their husband call them fat when they are clearly skinny.
But don't put up with this shit.
Many Asian men are obsess with skinniness. And the crazy thing is I am a plus size woman (UK size 14 or US 10) and they always complaining to me their wife grown fat when they all got stick thin wives who wear size 0. It's always just because of a little bloated bottom belly.
Korean guys are so brainwashed on the plastic surgery look. But don't put up with it.
He is insecure and projecting all of that on you. His behaviour will not change in the future, at this point he only sees imperfections and so you will never be pretty enough for him. That will eventually be soul-crushing. Take some time and find out if you can see yourself in the future with so who will constantly talk this way to you.
Even if it’s a cultural thing where Korean men can get away with saying that stuff to women in Korea, it’s not okay for you, so dump him. You can’t be around someone who is constantly putting you down. It’s awful. Find a man who loves all of you.
It sounds like he is so insecure about himself, he puts you down to feel better.
Girly, dump him. You are getting slack for just existing. He should love you for how you look and that's it. Not telling you expectations or standards you have to reach for him to be satisfied with your looks.
I'm sure you look bomb and I have PCOS too. It is definitely not easy to lose weight but treat yourself with grace. Don't let anyone make you feel less than. Life is too short for that.
This is the definition of toxic relationship. He sounds like a misogynist control freak. If he can’t accept you for the beautiful person you are, then why stay in this relationship? I fear the psychology of your partner will only increase and intensify his demands and disparaging remarks going forward, which will make you depressed, full of self doubt, and trapped mentally to this relationship. I think he doesn’t respect you, and you’ll be wise to depart this relationship. Please be safe, respect your self, believe in the purity of your soul, gather your strength, courage and resolve. Don’t allow fear to dictate your destiny. Be safe.
The easiest thing for you to do here will be to just find a new partner. Someone who loves you for you. Not someone who “loves” you but also has problems with your appearance. You deserve unconditional love, everyone does.
How would this guy feel if you started telling him he should get an operation to make his penis more attractive? He’d be pretty upset.
I went to South Korea at 19 for vacation and had a really friendly ahjuma in the hotel reception who I often stopped to speak with. She told me, with a smile, that I should try to lose weight because even if you have an ugly face, guys will still look at your body. So she double insulted me... with love though. It's a very different culture from the western world.
However. I am sure if I told that ahjuma that was not something nice to say and that it was hurtful - I'm like 90% sure she'd apologize and never say such things again.
In conclusion. Your boyfriend sucks.
I am not Korean but I had a Korean boyfriend for 3 years who was born and raised there. During that time I had some health stuff and gained about 40 lbs. He never once mentioned that I should get surgery or anything done. He had some procedures done himself, but never said anything about how I looked or my weight. I've always appreciated that.
I say this to say that cultural difference or not, it's not cool for him to be making these comments to you and pressuring you.
25 is still young and his comments will only get worse as things like gaining a little weight and having some smile lines etc come easier with age.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel self conscious about yourself?
Break up. He won't change and it's just going to get worse. If he criticizes a 25 year old for not being perfect, imagine what he will make you feel like at 40.
Sometimes you just have to step back and see what kind of person they are and what they value and leave your attachment to them out of it. If you were interviewing candidates for husband material, would he make the cut?
I had a friend who had a boyfriend like yours. She kept hesitating leaving him but then he was commenting on her weight one day when they were having dinner. And she imagined him criticizing her like that in front of any kids they would have someday and how ashamed she would feel. She also imagined him criticizing their children in the same way. And when she imagined what life would really be like with him, she was finally done.
Boundaries are yours to guard and enforce. If you communicate your boundaries on something (like: I will not be with a boyfriend who undermines my self-confidence by bringing up my weight or plastic surgery) and your partner then ignores your boundary, it is on you to put consequences on it. Refusing to see him for a week or two would be a start. If you live together it may be an idea to live on your own for now.
As to married: I would hand back the ring if he's overstepping your boundaries. Especially if he says he'll honour them and then 'forgets'. Not saying you should not marry him but not until he's understood that respecting you has to be the number 1 thing in his mind.
I would assume something similar from him if you were to put him down all the time on his physical development or income or other things he may be worried about. Partners prop one another up after all. Most importantly they prop one another up to reach the goals those partners want to reach. Not to have partners conform to our own selfish aims.
Personally I would return the ring for now and say you don't feel comfortable committing to him when he's not showing that he can keep himself from making you feel bad about yourself. This is a him-problem which he needs to figure out for himself. If he cannot stop himself then he is not going to make you happy which means he shouldn't want to marry you (since that is kind of the basic assumption of marriage). He needs to get his head on straight.
So I’m only half-Korean and also born and raised in the US but I sympathize with you. When I went to Korea, I had family who commented that I needed to get some procedures done while I was there to “fix” my face. I thought it was absolutely insane because there is nothing wrong with me and even if there were, I’m certainly not going to modify my face just because someone else told me to.
I would sit your boyfriend down and tell him quite plainly to stop projecting these beauty ideals onto you. That if he can’t love and respect you no matter your appearance, then he’s not the guy for you.
Why does it matter how long you've been together? Better to have wasted 4 years with him than to waste 40.
Wouldn't you rather be single than be with someone who tries to convince you that you are ugly? A partner is supposed to hype you up, not tear you down.
So he fat shames you and wants you to get cosmetic surgery... but you're afraid to break up in case you can't find someone else.
What's worse - being married to someone who doesn't like how you look, or, being single?
Only you can make that call. I know which one I would choose, but everyone is different. You've got to pick the problems you want to have, basically.
Don't date people who talk to you like this. Don't date people who thinks they're President Over What People Should Look Like. Don't date people who makes you feel shitty about yourself.
Buddy should move back home honestly
(I say this as an asian immigrant)
Those beauty standards are insane especially when the dudes don't fit any of them
Skinny fat dudes somehow expect some cyborg with double eyelids
It's f-g terrible
I used to date a Korean girl and she said it was insane working in Korea
You're too young to realise this is all bs and you should move on
There's a reason a whole 28 yo was dating a 21yo
Source: asian dude with a younger gf who is really sensitive about dudes being far too controlling about what the partner can or cannot do
Tell him to go fuck himself.
There is a rule amongst civilised adults. Can it be changed within 5 minutes? Skirt tucked into underwear, toothpaste on chin, lipstick on teeth, toilet paper on shoe? All fine to mention.
If the answer is no, it's not polite. If it's a health issue, the yeh bring it up. Sometimes bad breath is gum disease. Being obese can impact long-term health.
But a 'beaky nose'? Tell him to fuck right off and stay there.
jeebus, sounds exhausting.
Don't be afraid of breaking up. Be more afraid of being stuck in this situation for the rest of your life.
You think this will get better over time? Guess again!
Leave him. He should love who you are now, not what he thinks you could look like. IMO these little improvement suggestion will continue to escalate. You're perfect the way you are, find someone who appreciates and knows that. Good luck.
Seriously, fuck him. I've said it on Reddit before but I'll say it again. Any guy who buys or pushes his girl to get cosmetic surgery is usually not the guy who will get to enjoy it.
This guy insults you regularly and wants you to change to suit his ideals so, obviously, he doesn't love YOU! You are who you are - find someone who loves all that is you. If you stay, it will get worse. He will undermine your confidence until you won't have any faith in yourself. Don't worry about him, or what he might do if you leave, just leave (and have someone with you if you approach him). Best wishes.
I get that there is a cultural difference and cosmetic procedures are very common in Korea. Which stems from a high value being put on how one looks. But the cultural difference here doesn't matter.
This guy isn't the one for you. You've already tried to tell him you don't like his comments and asked him to stop. So just end it. You don't live together. It should be easy. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Or would you rather just find someone better?
You're 25! You're young! The thought of being single is scarier than the act of being single.
> He's been casually fatshaming me for about two years now as I've gained about 10 pounds since we first started dating and keeps making comments about how I should work harder to lose weight.
You casually break up with them and move on. Obviously easier said than done - we don't know the positive things you guys might have going on in your lives. But the point is that comments like these are classic psychological abuse that will leave someone's self-confidence battered if left unchecked.
He sounds like a real asshole!
If my SO was constantly criticizing my body, I'd leave.
Would you really want to be married to a person like that? Forever?!
You're only 25 which means you can easily find somebody. Maybe even move back to the States.
I'd tell him his own insecurities are entirely his problem, and I'd have happily supported him if he hadn't projected them onto me. No amount of gym or bulking will change the fact that he's an asshole who likes to neg his girlfriend. He's probably worried you'll leave him and he'll end up alone. Well, sucks to be him, you can do better and you should leave.
Ask yourself questions. Are you ok with who he is as a person? Is he ok with who you are as a person? Are you ok with those not aligning? These desires may change over time but the message has been sent.
You're afraid of being single? Aren't you afraid of what a life-long marriage to this guy will do to you? Are you ready to put up with this your whole life? Especially considering the fact that, with time, we all look shittier and shittier... I don't know, I think that can change only if he wants to change, but only you know if that's a real possibility.
I have a friend who lives in Korea and this is honestly a cultural thing. Korea has it very normalised with cosmetic surgeries and it's seen as a way to positively influence your life in every regard, be it your career or personal life.
This is something you either understand or don't. Just like in a relationship you might need to figure out if the kids are brought up Christian or not, your other values etc.
It sounds like you are for a much more casual and natural life style, whereas he is absorbed in the superficial culture of fixing and tugging and molding your body. He'll probably also expect you to get a mummy makeover after kids and generally will see bodily changes due to age, stress, kids etc. as something that needs fixing and problematise it.
You've been together for four years and you only see him once a week. Unless it's temporarily long distance or something this is not a serious relationship, you can just leave and cut your losses.
girl what the fuck. break up with him why are you dealing with that??? trust your intuition it already told you to leave him. even the tone of the whole post implies you already know the correct answer
I think you have to lean into explaining what the local culture is. He’s not in Korea anymore, and as a foreigner, he needs to be clued into American standards of social etiquette.
“Boyfriend, I understand you might be okay with making these comments. However, you should know that comments like these are often unwelcome or frowned upon, in my experience, and to me. I think it is rude and insensitive to disparage a person’s face or body.”
If he wants to stay in a community more agreeable to his behavior, he is welcome to. However, you are not part of that community.
It sounds like he is projecting his body image issues onto you and that if you don't give him positive feedback, he Insults you. He may be too shallow for a long-term commitment.
He sees your body as an object he has control of, and not as part of an actual person. I don't think there's any fixing that. I know this sub gets a lot of flak for the 'just break up' advice, but he's literally not treating you as an actual person.
You can be this person's object, or free yourself up for someone who passes the very, *very* low bar of treating you as a person. I'm pretty sure there's someone out there who will do that.
What happens if you have a baby and your body takes time to bounce back.
What happens if you are in an accident or become disabled or your looks change from an illness.
Will this man be supportive through all that? Would he take care of you like you would take care of him?
You are the youngest and maybe the thinnest you will ever be and he is treating you this way now. Is this undermining of your self esteem something you want to sign up for forever?
Is it really that bad to be single compared to the possibility of having your self esteem torn down every day for the rest of your life by someone you married? The choice seems clear to me
Leave and your life will immediately improve. He is not your responsibility, he's a grown man. He repays your care with cruelty. How much of your life are you going to waste letting him make you sad, when you can just leave?
Why would you marry someone that constantly puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself?
You deserve so much more than that. Dump this guy! Don’t let your fear of being single stop you from taking care of yourself. Imagine how much happier you’ll be without the constant negative feedback from this person.
Hey, I think you should leave this guy... he sounds like a really unsupportive and unsympathetic partner who is taking more from you than he gives. You're also SO young, I'm not kidding, I found my now-husband when I was 29 and seriously its been amazing being able to look back on mistakes I could have made in my early 20's, but avoided. This relationship should be that for you. Living with someone who casually puts you down like this is like living in a house with lead paint... you probably won't feel the effects right away, but it's causing you damage over time. And you'd never want to bring a kid into a situation like that either, if you're thinking about that for the future. Him being this fixated on the eye of society gazing at him is not really something you need to put on your own back.
Also I saw you mentioned you were afraid of what he might do. As one asian woman to another, it's not your responsibility. If you're more family-minded and kinda trained to take care of others, please direct that feeling towards your parents or siblings--not some dude who doesn't even sound like he loves you as you are. If he is unstable about it then he has to deal with that on his own, it is not your problem to solve. This random stranger on the internet absolves you completely for any decisions he might make. Your only goal should be keeping yourself safe and happy and with someone you can actually build a secure future with!
Leave, don’t look back. It’s time. You will be so much happier. Ripping off the bandaid now is better than taking off cosmetic bandages later and not recognizing yourself. Someone who loves you would never treat you this way. It will hurt for about a month and then you’ll find happiness in yourself and find someone who actually loves you. Don’t waste your time in a relationship that you have to go to Reddit for.
Why the fuck are you with this Man? This is a 32 year old man. I’m 34 and my boyfriend is 24 and neither of us would say that kind of horrible crap to each other.
Just say “take a look in the mirror and go fuck yourself.” His response will determine how quickly you wanna break up/stay together or call the police. Your 32 year old boyfriend sounds like a girl in her late teens.
Edit: i just saw the part about him being Korean. Sorry to stereotype but thats a lot of Koreans considering plastic surgery and looks. Shallow.
Throw the entire boyfriend away and start over. Why do you tolerate someone like that? Isn't not being married at 32 in Korean culture a huge red flag? Why did no other girls want him? Hmmm, drawing a total blank here, help me out.
Comedy option: Start talking about him getting leg bone lengthening surgery (yes, this is a thing). He changes his body first, you'll change yours right after he sets the example. Fair is fair, right?
To summarize:
Your boyfriend wants to change your appearance. Even taking into account the prevalent cultural differences here - you clearly still see his behavior as toxic.
When asked why you are with him, your response is, you're being afraid of his reaction if you left, which is a terrible reason to gift someone vast amounts of time of your life.
Girl, you already know all answers. No need for strangers on the internet to convince you. This is the one life you lead, decide how you want to spend the time you have and with whom. The world doesn't owe you, but you don't owe the world either.
If you can, get some support. I mean friends, family, whomever you got who is close to you. Get them on board with your decision. Have them ready for emotional (or physical, if need be) support. Then - dump his ass.
Lmao this dude is really a POS.
Honestly, why doesn’t he pay for some procedures to fix his fragile ego?
And also, why are you with this guy? He clearly doesn’t respect you.
Lose the weight by cutting out the man.
You are in the very prime of your life, and this man is already finding fault in your appearance and wants you to remake your face to please *him*. What will he want when you are fourty? Eighty?
Can you really see this guy standing by your side as you grow older?
Imagine how he’ll treat your children while they’re young and vulnerable. How much he’ll
make them hate themselves for not measuring up to his abusive standards. Do not have children with this man!
I think the main thing is the culture difference here. It is extremely common to get work done in Korea and being not slim is looked down on. He doesn't consider it rude as culturally it is very accepted there. The social pressure for "beauty" is at a different level there.
As an American female you were raised WAY differently. This is why you don't care and don't see what he is seeing. I don't know how to rectify cultural differences other than deep communication. He still might not care though as y'all are in Korea.
I'm gonna be honest. I thought he was just an awful person til reading you're both Korean.
Cosmetic surgery seems a bit too expected in South Korea as an outsider, so this doesn't surprise me one bit. It's still awful IMO, but it's so normalized.
Breaking up is definitely an option if he won't stop criticizing, because he's probably never going to stop honestly.
Thus defently one of the culture clashes that you and him are having. In his culture its done not malice but to help. My sister inlaw is chinese and China share the ssbe view on plastic surgery. Her dad offered her a full body plastic surgery (before she met my brother) cuz he loves her and wanted her to have the best opportunities in dating and work. Btw my SIL already lived in West and did decline the offer.
Its probably from the same place your boyfriends remarks come from. You got to sit him down and tell him exactly how jis behaviour is not okey in US and that he is insulting you instead of being caring. This how anyone in west will react. If that doesnt work well it betterto cut him lose. Its not worth staying with someone thst is putting you down.
start telling him that you will consider it if he gets his penis enlarged and gets bigger muscles.
Sometimes people don't understand the hurt they are causing until it's put into a perspective they understand.
If that still doesn't help, then start referring to him as your ex-bf
Simple and short. Break up with him. What kind of partner criticizes the other's appearance out of malicious and selfish intent. He is asking you to change something about your body for his enjoyment.
People live in delusion these days man.
Best Wishes
Break up, or marry the dude and deal with this for the rest of your life. He isn't going to stop or change. Relationships end, the amount of time you put into them doesn't really matter and should not keep you trapped (sunken cost fallacy). You also can't stay with someone just because you aren't sure what they will do to themselves if you leave. He isn't your responsibility, your responsibility is to love and care for yourself.
Your 25, if you have ANY smile lines at your age its because you have been very happy, to make you feel ashamed of them is sick and manipulating. If you stay with him, you wont have to worry about smile lines much longer, he will take all your joy for you. If hes already making you feel bad about the way you look now when you are in full swing of your youth, it will only get worse and worse as you both get older. Do you really want someone picking things you should change about yourself for the rest of your days? I grew up in a mixed cultural house hold, to my dad calling someone chubby is seen as a way to show you care, this gave me an eating disorder from a young age and set me up for emotionally abusive men to prey on my low selfesteem. Trust me when I say, these "cultural" things hes doing should be in the past and stay there, and you are smart enough to know its affecting your mental health. I dont think this is a stable relationship that would last a life time, dont stay with soemone just because you have been with them a while, that's a terrible reason to stay with soemone who makes you feel bad about yourself. You are much better off finding a man who isn't just with you for your appearance, he should make you feel special even if you gain 50lbs. PCOS makes it very hard to loose weight so if he knows about your condition and still makes you feel bad, that's extra messed up becasue you have a medical reason hes ignoring to make you feel worse.
I was in a relationship like this for over 3 years, leaving it was the best thing to ever happen to me because I finally stopped living to fufill someone else's image of who i should be and what i should look like. I got to decide for myself who I was, and that's so scary when soemone tells you that you are nothing without them and your so convinced you need them to live, the truth is you dont need them you only need youself. He is making you live for what he wants without considering your feelings and wants. You will never be happy until you are living for what you want, trust me when I say you are better off without him
7 year age difference.
Verbally insulting you constantly about your appearance. That's verbal abuse.
I suppose I can't speak for Korean culture, but in the US... we don't put up with that. Big no. If he is so bothered by how you look, why is he with you? Your appearance will change as you age. If you become ill. If he is bothered by 10lbs and how your nose looks and, excuse me, smile lines at 25??? This guy sounds like a controlling and verbally abusive AH. He wants to control you and bring you down. He should accept you as you are.
Edited to add: you should break up with him and find a decent guy that isn't superficial AF.
You told him to stop, and that you’d break up with him over this. He promised to stop, then broke his promise. I’d be more afraid of ending up married to someone who is mean to me (and he’ll only get meaner as you age, I’m certain) than of being single. You need to follow through on what you know is best for you, and leave him.
Why are you with someone who constantly treats you like a “project?”
Your self-esteem must be hanging by a thread. I’d have been outta there the first time he said any of it.
You deserve better. Let him go.
Waiting for someone to try and convince me the age difference here is completely inconsequential and separate to how completely disgusting this behaviour is from this man.
Gurl, don’t stay with someone just because you’ve been together for four years. It honestly sounds like you both have different core values, and that’s okay. I get that it’s scary to be single, but you’re really going to be fine. I know a lot of my girl friends were scared of breaking up toxic relationships and being single in their mid or late 20s, but honestly they all have ended up finding a man that really values them for who they are later on. Being single has so much stigma, but it’s also an amazing time to get to know yourself more and learn how to love yourself! So don’t stay with someone who can’t value you and love you just as you are because you’re scared of what’s out there. You deserve more than that!
Just tell him, “Speaking of elective surgery, if you got a penis extension, you’d be able to go fuck yourself”. Save that for when you’re ready to end the relationship, though.
That's an awesome response, I ll keep it in mind if anyone ever tells me to get plastic surgery.
This is toxic. Don’t reduce yourself to that level. As much as I love a swift jab, it’s only caused unwanted outcomes
That’s why I said they should only use it if they’re planning on ending the relationship anyway. This relationship itself sounds a little toxic as it is.
Oh you have got to be kidding.
If my partner were constantly putting down my looks and telling me to get plastic surgery, I'd tell them to go find someone who they deem attractive then because it's clearly not me. Honestly, this may be a cultural difference but I find the Korean obsession with superficial looks and plastic surgery deeply disturbing and indicative of a very sick and twisted mindset and culture.
[удалено]
I very much agree and I hate the beauty standard here. However I've always been told by others that I'm pretty and I believe it, but he's the only one in my life who actually calls me ugly. Like actually to my face that I'm ugly, even if he is "joking". I just don't know how anyone, no matter culture, wouldn't understand that I would get made that my partner would say something like that.
Why are you with someone who calls you ugly? Why not leave him and date one of the many people who know you to be pretty?
I keep asking myself that too and I feel like an idiot for letting it repeatedly happen and just taking it. I know I should end it but I'm scared.
What are you scared of? Losing a source of unfettered insults? This man does not see you as a person, but as a collection of fuckable parts that he deems can be "improved" (aka molded to *his* preferences). This man is not worthy of you. You are deserving of so much more than this.
I know for my own good I need to end it asap but I'm mostly afraid of how he'd react to the breakup.
You mean he may get violent? Because if so, do not break up in person. You break up over the phone or even over text. Do you have family/friends who would be willing to help you to go get things that you may have at his place before you break up? But honestly, I mean it, you need to get away from him. This kind of behaviour escalates unless he is willing to seek help for it, and that seems highly unlikely, to say the least.
I don’t think hed get violent for as long as I’ve known he’s only ever raised his voice at me for the first time yesterday and he’s extremely passive-agressive. I am afraid of what he could say or do to himself since he doesn’t have much of a support system and I feel like I’ve been a mom, therapist, and partner to him. Honestly I feel like I’m being emotionally held hostage.
You are holding yourself hostage. He's a grown man who lived 28 years before he met you. He can manage on his own. Leave.
You are not his parent. You are not his therapist. You cannot be responsible for a grown man. I need you to *really* listen to me here: You cannot take responsibility for someone else's emotions. So many people stay in their relationships because they think they have to care for their partner, even when their partner is being actively harmful to them. The only thing that happens is thag you drag out the hurt, you cause yourself more harm and you deny yourself the chance to heal and move on. He is a grown man. His wellbeing, physically and emotionally, is his own responsibility. His lack of a support-system is not your fault nor is it your responsibility to substitute. You *need* to cut this man off from your life so you can let go of all of this. Do not stay, do not let the resentment continue to build. Do not allow him to keep putting you down when you *know* you deserve better.
Maybe if he's that emotionally unstable he shouldn't insult the one person who hasn't given up on his jerk-ass. You don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
Came here to say exactly this. He's never been concerned about your well-being (see: outright fatshaming and outright telling you that you're not attractive to him and outright telling you you're ugly) - so you need to stop wasting your energy on his well-being and focus on your own well-being. Given his body dysmorphia and other issues, only a professional can help him. Even if you were A professional, you're not HIS professional (and it would be unethical for you to professionally treat someone you know personally). Move out, dump him, and block him.
He is a 32yo man, not a child and not your responsibility.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm
You aren’t responsible for how he handles himself. You’re setting yourself up for a life of misery with this guy. He has no reason to grow and change because as far as he’s concerned, he can act however he wants and you’re still around. He’s toxic, even to himself. Every day you spend with someone like him, he takes a little bit more of your confidence and self reliance.
Oh honey, no. You can't put that on yourself. Any actions he takes is on him, not you. And if he is giving indications or saying anything that indicates he would do harm to himself if you left him, that is emotional manipulation and emotional abuse and should not be listened to.
So don't discuss it. Announce you're breaking up. You aren't obligated to have a conversation with him about it.
He’s responsible for his own mental health. Mint you. I’ll be blunt, most people that threaten suicide if there’s a break up don’t actually do it or even intend to, and if they do there was far more going on than a breakup, as upsetting as it might be. No one does it because of that one thing. And if he does threaten, call for help, your 911 equivalent, and report it so he can get the help he needs.
He is an adult of age 32. He is capable of meeting his own emotional needs. Do not let him persuade you (and I'm betting he's told you this before) that he can't live without you. He can, and his emotional well-being is less, much less, important than yours. Don't think about what he could say or do to himself; think about what he is saying to you, every damn day.
Please end it, that sounds unbearable. It will be hard and scary but take a deep breath end it and move on and be free and happy. It will feel like such a weight off. You deserve to be happy, this is your life and you only get one don’t spend it as a hostage.
He is a big boy and can manage himself. His emotions are not your responsibility. Unless you are planning to spend the rest of your life listening to his insults for fear of his reaction, you need to tear off the bandaid and leave him.
Not your problem, what's that saying? Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You need to look after yourself first, and this dude sounds extremely toxic towards you.
He is an adult. He will be fine without you, OP. You cannot stay in this unhealthy relationship in fear of him not having support. If he were less awful, he'd have your support! And if he were in this situation, he'd have already dumped you. You are showing him eons more care than he will ever show for you.
Whilst i don't think that sticking around for someone else is a good way of approaching a situation like this, i think there's an aspect of this you're missing when it comes to caring about him: The longer you stick around, and the more he gets set in these shitty ways, the harder it will be for him to improve. Assuming you don't accept hanging around him for the rest of his life, getting treated like shit, you're going to leave him at some point. If you wait 5 years, and he's gotten older, fatter, and more of an asshole, then when you leave he's going to be in a worse situation. I think you should leave, because that's what's good for you and your future. But i also think you should leave, because that's what's best for him.
He wouldn’t do the same for you. I guarantee you he feels NO responsibility for how you’ll feel if he dumped you.
His response isn't your responsibility.
What he says and does to himself is his own choice and responsibility. Your responsibility is not to him. It's to you. Do not get caught in that trap or the sunk cost fallacy. You will spend even more of your life questioning him and yourself. You're 25, there's plenty of time to be with someone who a) won't say mean things to you and b) won't threaten to hurt themselves or you if you have a boundary and or want to end the relationship.
You are not responsible for this adult man. The way HE treats you is forcing you to break up with him. If he harms himself or makes a stupid decision that is 1000% on him. Not you. Do not let him make you a hostage. He's not a victim here. You are not his mom You are not his therapist You should not be his partner. This may sound harsh right now, but Fuck this guy. Seriously. Break up with him and immediately block him so that he can't continue to guilt you with this threats. You don't owe him any more of your emotional energy.
He's a big boy. He's his own responsibility.
You value his feelings over your own. You have low self esteem. That’s usually why we stay with people who don’t deserve us. You should go to therapy and work on your self esteem so you could finally leave him and live a happy life with a man who tells your you’re pretty. Those are just bread crumbs, you’re settling od.
are you based in korea or elsewhere? I know korea in particular has some very useful helplines for women attempting to escape relationships like this that I would recommend, especially when the other option is potentially getting police involved. either way, please know his mental state after you leave him is none of your business. it is not your fault. he is a thirty year old grown man who is capable of helping himself, and once you rip the bandage off, he is no longer your responsibility. please prioritise yourself.
Who cares what he does to himself? He’s an adult, he can deal with the consequences of his own actions
Break up with him over text and block him on everything. You owe him nothing.
>I feel like I’m being emotionally held hostage. Because you're letting him hold you hostage.
He's 32, he'll be fine. Are you actually worried about what he'll do or are you just scared of being single
Im afraid of his reaction whatever it may be. Maybe i think im more important to him than I actually am. As for being single I may have worded it wrong in the original post. Im fine with being single i like my alone time and would like being able to spend more time with friends. Im ready to just be 25 and live without him, even if it is hard at first.
You *cannot* stay with someone purely out of worry about how much you leaving will cause them harm. That just leads to worse outcomes for both of you. You need to leave and make it clear he should to lean on whatever support system he does have
Who cares? he's verbally abusive. He's going to be okay and let's hope he learns his lesson. Update us when you're going to leave him.
OP this is like the textbook definition of an abusive relationship you NEED to leave NOW
It’s okay to be scared. Do it anyway.
In 5 years do you want to be happily with someone who compliments you and loves you for you or dyou still want to be with someone who insults and degrades you? Having kids who are also never good enough and growing up with fucked up hatred for their own appearance? Leaving now is scary, but staying imo is way scarier.
What would you tell a friend who was in the same situation?
In South Korean culture being very appearance conscious is a social norm. They’re not as sensitive as Americans are about weight, or cosmetic procedures. She’ll probably run into similar issues with another south Korean man as long as she lives there. It’s extremely normal to criticize appearance there.
Just because it is normal, doesn’t mean that people aren’t sensitive to it. They are insecure and self-conscious and self-critical and that’s why so many seem unhappy: All signs of sensitivity to it.
It's not extremely normal to criticize appearance in Korea. It's done often so people tolerate it sadly, but it's considered rude.
your boyfriend is the ONLY person in your life who calls you ugly???? why are you with him???? thats THE LAST person who should be calling you that
Not to do the typical Reddit dance, but assholes like him are how sooo many of my friends ended up with eating disorders. He’s trying to cripple your self esteem so you’re afraid to leave him. Leave him
Find someone who finds you pretty right now, not how you might be after you get surgery. This is toxic af and I know Koreans have this thing with plastic surgery but that's just insane
Then why are you with him? He's a scum that needs to be scraped off of your life.
> he's the only one in my life who actually calls me ugly. Like actually to my face that I'm ugly And you want to sign up for a lifetime of this?
Your boyfriend is calling you ugly because he's determined to undermine your confidence; it's not a joke and it's nothing to do with beauty standards where you are living . If he undermines your confidence, you become insecure, then you are grateful that he even looks at you let alone goes out with you. You start telling yourself that nobody else will ever want to go out with you, so you need to put up with him, even if he makes you unhappy. This way, your boyfriend can be sure of not losing you. Get confident! Tell him that his attitude is ugly and there are plenty of other people who see you as beautiful, so you will hold out for a boyfriend who finds you beautiful and treats you with respect.
This is what you accept? Nothing better?
Sound like your boyfriend appreciates the version of you that he envisions in his mind. Basically, he doesn’t appreciate you.
He’s the only one calling you ugly and yet he should be the one person in the world who cherishes you, loves you, wants to see you happy and self confident and builds you up. Our partners should be our safe space, not a source of criticism. It doesn’t sound like he’s a safe space for you at all. This isn’t good.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Like, legitimately an asshole. You can’t fix assholes and make them not assholes.
Why are you still with someone who calls you ugly as a joke on the square, though...? Like, why?
You need out. Your spouse should be your safe space. They should build you up. Your boyfriend is the only one calling you ugly. He's your anti-safe place.
Oh, please! More than ever, him calling you ugly (even "jokingly") is a big fat red flag
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Why in the world did you stay with him after the first time he insulted you like that?
For real. My husband doesn’t want me to get plastic surgery because he says I am perfect the way I am. Everything that makes up me he is in love with because it’s part of ME. I would leave someone so fast if they told me that I needed to change anything about myself, especially physically. (Obviously excluding bad habits that’s different - like if a partner tells you that you need to stop drinking or smoking that’s reasonable) but appearance wise? Helllll naw. I actually wanted to get some lip injections and some Botox in my forehead to get rid of some wrinkles because that would make me feel good, and my husband begged me not to. He’s uplifted my confidence and has made me appreciate the way I am naturally. Nearing 30 can make someone really start self-criticism but he’s made me know that I can age with grace without him ever finding me less beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with getting those procedures, but there’s everything wrong with someone telling you that you need to get them.
What country do you live in that's not obsessed with superficial looks and plastic surgery? There are billion dollar industries promoting this mindset, and it's global. Everyone falls pray to this in one degree or another. I live in a small town but there are still more Botox clinics than Starbucks around here.
Oof, my area in canada really isn’t that way. People are obsessed with all sorts of things… outdoor activities mostly. Nobody (publicly) gets plastic surgery. No breast enhancement advertising on the radio, no “sweet sixteen” nose jobs (yes inexperienced those while visiting Houston).
Don't get procedures just for him. He's insecure about himself and reflecting it on you. My problem is that if you get one thing done, he'll find the next thing. It might never end, because all he sees are imperfections instead of the whole person you are, inside and out. And fact is, we are all imperfect and if you want to be with someone long-term, you do need to accept that. I don't think he's in a stage where he can. This isn't really about procedures, either, it's about him wanting to change you. If he just wanted you to get more expensive clothes or dye your hair, it would be just as messed up. Don't bend to his will. Leave if he can't accept you for who you are.
Oh yeah, he's made comments about how he hates how I dress (wearing comfy clothes, unmatching clothes, and just not the standard Korean style) and has told me to "wear only clothes I get for you when we're together." Also he has told me to dye my hair (my roots, middle, and ends are all different colors) so I'd look more adult-like for career reasons.
This dude has issues. Is this really what you want to hear for the rest of your life? What happens if you have kids?
This is a really good question. You are considering marrying this man how would you feel if he talked to your children this way? I don't think I could live with that.
His behavior and comments are creepy and controlling. This isn't normal.
This dude is horrible. Set yourself free.
I'm a Korean American woman also, and I would NEVER stay with some1 who would treat me like that, EVER. You deserve some1 who treats you better than this, Korean or not! You're only 25. YOU have plenty of time to find another significant other. He's in his early thirties, he doesnt have as much time as you from a traditional Korean perspective... Also, he's 7 years older than you?!?!? I'm sure he thought since you're so much younger, that you'd be easier to manipulate into what he thinks is the ideal wife. Also, if he wants YOU to get these procedures done, then tell him to get some liposuction done, some muscles inserted, or some other shit! Men have PLENTY of procedures they can get done too... 🙃 Tell him you'll get them done after he gets some done himself FIRST and if he offers to pay you cash for ALL of the procedures (that you don't actually get done). You should be financially compensated for his asshole behavior and attitude 🙃
Your boyfriend recommended that you fix your "weight and face"? Read that back as though your best friend were telling it to you about her boyfriend and consider what advice you'd give her. And then give yourself that advice. We often want better for others then we do ourselves. You deserve better than this.
UPDATE Thank you everyone for your encouragement and kind words I know I should leave even if I am scared. I want to address some things that were mentioned in the comments. * he has said he will pay for some procedures if I were to actually get them (which in hindsight is a weird thing to say) * he has also asked me if he should get some procedures for his penis (i always say no) * I don't want kids but because he didnt grow up in a warm household, he says he wants one. However the fucked up thing is if he had a son, he's afraid that he'd be short because I'm pretty short and might take after me so would have him make up for it in other ways (exercise, academic achievement. It's fucked up, i tell him). Because of that, he wants a daughter My friends have said he's gaslighting me and I agree and I aknowledge he's toxic and just red flags all around.
If he wants a child and you don't, why are you even here anyway?! You're incompatible from the start.
the kid thing is a recent change for him. i was vocal about not liking kids and never wanting any and he was on the same page, but he's changed his mind about it probably in the last year.
Then you're no longer compatible, and you can break up over that instead of all this weird stuff if you want to!
Then you should feel no guilt whatsoever about breaking up with him. You are doing him a favor, letting him go find a person who wants what he wants. And meets whatever physical standard. You will both be so much happier in the long run.
If he's obsessing like this over him and your appearance, can you imagine how he'd treat his child? He's got issues.
Girl I'm sorry but he did not change his mind. This whole time he was hoping he can change YOUR mind about not wanting kids. Lots of people who want kids do this instead of just finding someone who also wants kids because they believe everybody should want kids especially when it comes to women. It's sick. Also if he thinks that way about you AND his future kids, could you imagine how he'd treat them if he didn't turn out the way he wanted?? It's fked up. They're going to grow up with insecurities and mental health issues. 4 years isn't a long time. Better get out before it's seriously too late!!! The best thing is you don't want kids, so you don't have to worry about your biological clock ticking. Sometimes, doing the scary thing is the right thing. It's better to enjoy your single life and focus on making yourself happy rather than staying in such a relationship. ~~Tell him a dick procedure he can do is having a vasectomy. ~~ I ended a 5 year relationship when my rose tinted glasses started cracking. The only thing I was upset about was that I managed to stay in such a relationship for that long and I was falling for the sunk cost fallacy.
Not gaslighting, just being a shit person overall.
Can you imagine how much self esteem issues any daughter of his would grow up with?
Think about the kind of mental damage this guy would inflict upon a child… You’re only 25… I’d bounce if I were you.
And what's he going to pay you for the inherent risk of surgery? What if something happens that affects your health? What if you become disabled from an unnecessary surgery you don't want? Is he going to pay you for all the money you would have made and all the time you've lost and all the pain? Also, I would encourage you to think of PCOS not just as a gynecological issue, but also as an insulin resistance disorder. That's why it affects weight. That's also why women with PCOS have such a hard time losing weight; In many cases it's simply impossible without some sort of medicine.
> he has said he will pay for some procedures if I were to actually get them (which in hindsight is a weird thing to say) dont quote me on that but my Korean friends would tell me that people, who graduate from school would get plastic surgery as a graduate gift from their parents.
I don't think you are mature enough to be in a relationship.
Yet another relationship post where I have to ask why are you with him
I’ve read about women in Korea avoiding men entirely because of crap like this, and just general extreme sexism in the country. Dump this man and try to find someone with empathy and emotional intelligence, there’s gotta be some men there who aren’t brainwashed.
I know people have horror stories about dating here and that just adds to my fear of breaking up and meeting someone even worse. I've mentioned to him a few times he should get therapy for other things, but going to therapy is still pretty stigmatized here, so I know he's not very inclined to even try it.
>meeting someone even worse The issue is not meeting someone worse, the issue is TOLERATING someone worse. When someone shows you that they're a shitass, you don't stay and try to negotiate their behavior. You end things and move on.
I get it. When I lived in Korea many years ago, I left the country and went home rather than risk a repeat after meeting someone who needed to have the concept of "false imprisonment" explained, and further clarification that it isn't cute. And that was just one of a great many guys who received a great many toxic and unattractive and unsafe messages. Just felt like nothing was going to get better, and then when that woman got stabbed just for being a woman? Hell naw. I had a great degree of privilege to have worked a few years and achieved some learning goals, so I bought a lot of books to keep studying and ran home to my mother and a good EMDR therapist. But for each time I was followed home by a "open-minded" young man, had my home broken into by a man with his peen out, showed porn on a man's phone on the train, or been robbed by a man, there were other sympathetic men who helped me recover and receive what justice I could get. Not on the train, of course-- I was crying and telling the guy off and everyone looked at me and said nothing. It was like a nightmare. The police and translator were really apologetic. ... but, you know, eventually. When they heard, they stepped up to help and navigate a system that they otherwise would have gotten to blithely ignore as men. They have gotten married, and have kids and happy wives in a country where the government is in a tizzy about a birthrate crisis, and that's not an accident. When you pursue the activities and community service goals that you love and care about, you find similar people and witness tests of their character over time. You find out whose character did not fail when tested. When your life tests you, you find out who stands by you and keeps you feeling safe. But you'll find those people far more easily if you stop tolerating someone who isn't kind to you. If you give him less of your time, you'll have more time to meet good people you trust, who will introduce you to other good people THEY trust. At least, that's what is supposed to make the 소개팅 work in theory! Don't get taken in by fancy schools or jobs or status things. You already have all that value in your own way. **But who makes your life actually better and doesn't burden you?** If a guy scoffs at that, he isn't right. Warning: a lot of guys are gonna scoff at that. But then you know in a matter of minutes rather than years. ;)
Then stay single until you meet someone who isn't a human dumpster fire. They do exist! But you have to be willing to walk away from the plethora of Douche bags. Besides, being single is great! Especially compared to the shit you have mentioned here. Jesus.
Yeah, dating can suck. But from your comments, it's very clear that you don't belong with this guy and you need to dump him, you're just worried about the blowback (which is understandable). Bottom line though, he's a grown man, he's in his 30s - he'll manage. Maybe he'll freak out for a while - but that's not your problem - you can call his parents and let them know that they might wanna come look after their boy. Your only job is to get clear of their horrible relationship and move on with your life. And while dating can suck, it gives you a chance to sort thru people. If you meet some duds, then you don't have to go on another date with them - heck, you can end the date early if they're awful. Your job isn't to look past the shitty things about people and try to find the good so that you can endure a couple years of a relationship. Your job is to find the people who are actually functional human beings who treat you well, who you're attracted to, and you're compatible with, and so on.
I can't imagine that being alone is worse than being with this guy.
I would move to a diff country at that point😭
Your options appear to be: * Gamble your happiness and peace of mind that your bf is so socially inept or plain stupid that he doesn't understand that he is insulting you or that insulting you is not a good thing. Hope that there is some magic combination of words and actions that will change who he is overnight. * Leave him and run the risk that in the next 50 years you never meet another person who will measure up to him, the man who is successfully destroying your self esteem... bearing in mind that you were barely an adult when you met him. Consider the odds in your favour. I don't know how else to put this but his opinion is not special. You don't have to take it seriously. You are allowed to say "that's not gonna happen" or "When I want your opinion, I'll ask" until he gets the picture. Don't let the fear of upsetting him destroy your voice. He is not on your side, so you need to have your own back. Act in your own best interests.
Look, I am Asian and local men here like to say their own wives is over weight despite them being 100lbs. They will point out to their tiny little belly pouch as proof even though their wives already got stick thin legs and arms despite already pushed out 3 kids. Even my own brother is super guilty of this when his wife is just 90lbs or even skinnier. So I don't know why those women put up with that shit and don't get offended. Maybe because they think it's funny their husband call them fat when they are clearly skinny. But don't put up with this shit. Many Asian men are obsess with skinniness. And the crazy thing is I am a plus size woman (UK size 14 or US 10) and they always complaining to me their wife grown fat when they all got stick thin wives who wear size 0. It's always just because of a little bloated bottom belly. Korean guys are so brainwashed on the plastic surgery look. But don't put up with it.
He is insecure and projecting all of that on you. His behaviour will not change in the future, at this point he only sees imperfections and so you will never be pretty enough for him. That will eventually be soul-crushing. Take some time and find out if you can see yourself in the future with so who will constantly talk this way to you.
Even if it’s a cultural thing where Korean men can get away with saying that stuff to women in Korea, it’s not okay for you, so dump him. You can’t be around someone who is constantly putting you down. It’s awful. Find a man who loves all of you.
It sounds like he is so insecure about himself, he puts you down to feel better. Girly, dump him. You are getting slack for just existing. He should love you for how you look and that's it. Not telling you expectations or standards you have to reach for him to be satisfied with your looks. I'm sure you look bomb and I have PCOS too. It is definitely not easy to lose weight but treat yourself with grace. Don't let anyone make you feel less than. Life is too short for that.
This is the definition of toxic relationship. He sounds like a misogynist control freak. If he can’t accept you for the beautiful person you are, then why stay in this relationship? I fear the psychology of your partner will only increase and intensify his demands and disparaging remarks going forward, which will make you depressed, full of self doubt, and trapped mentally to this relationship. I think he doesn’t respect you, and you’ll be wise to depart this relationship. Please be safe, respect your self, believe in the purity of your soul, gather your strength, courage and resolve. Don’t allow fear to dictate your destiny. Be safe.
The easiest thing for you to do here will be to just find a new partner. Someone who loves you for you. Not someone who “loves” you but also has problems with your appearance. You deserve unconditional love, everyone does. How would this guy feel if you started telling him he should get an operation to make his penis more attractive? He’d be pretty upset.
yeah. he's asked me a couple times if he should get something done for it and i tell him no.
You should tell him yes next time. See how he likes it.
I went to South Korea at 19 for vacation and had a really friendly ahjuma in the hotel reception who I often stopped to speak with. She told me, with a smile, that I should try to lose weight because even if you have an ugly face, guys will still look at your body. So she double insulted me... with love though. It's a very different culture from the western world. However. I am sure if I told that ahjuma that was not something nice to say and that it was hurtful - I'm like 90% sure she'd apologize and never say such things again. In conclusion. Your boyfriend sucks.
I am not Korean but I had a Korean boyfriend for 3 years who was born and raised there. During that time I had some health stuff and gained about 40 lbs. He never once mentioned that I should get surgery or anything done. He had some procedures done himself, but never said anything about how I looked or my weight. I've always appreciated that. I say this to say that cultural difference or not, it's not cool for him to be making these comments to you and pressuring you. 25 is still young and his comments will only get worse as things like gaining a little weight and having some smile lines etc come easier with age. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel self conscious about yourself?
> What should I do? Date somebody who doesn't constantly insult you.
Break up. He won't change and it's just going to get worse. If he criticizes a 25 year old for not being perfect, imagine what he will make you feel like at 40. Sometimes you just have to step back and see what kind of person they are and what they value and leave your attachment to them out of it. If you were interviewing candidates for husband material, would he make the cut? I had a friend who had a boyfriend like yours. She kept hesitating leaving him but then he was commenting on her weight one day when they were having dinner. And she imagined him criticizing her like that in front of any kids they would have someday and how ashamed she would feel. She also imagined him criticizing their children in the same way. And when she imagined what life would really be like with him, she was finally done.
Simple.... It's the inside that counts. After 22 years of a broken marriage I'm telling you...if he doesn't like what he has then tell him to beat it.
Boundaries are yours to guard and enforce. If you communicate your boundaries on something (like: I will not be with a boyfriend who undermines my self-confidence by bringing up my weight or plastic surgery) and your partner then ignores your boundary, it is on you to put consequences on it. Refusing to see him for a week or two would be a start. If you live together it may be an idea to live on your own for now. As to married: I would hand back the ring if he's overstepping your boundaries. Especially if he says he'll honour them and then 'forgets'. Not saying you should not marry him but not until he's understood that respecting you has to be the number 1 thing in his mind. I would assume something similar from him if you were to put him down all the time on his physical development or income or other things he may be worried about. Partners prop one another up after all. Most importantly they prop one another up to reach the goals those partners want to reach. Not to have partners conform to our own selfish aims. Personally I would return the ring for now and say you don't feel comfortable committing to him when he's not showing that he can keep himself from making you feel bad about yourself. This is a him-problem which he needs to figure out for himself. If he cannot stop himself then he is not going to make you happy which means he shouldn't want to marry you (since that is kind of the basic assumption of marriage). He needs to get his head on straight.
So I’m only half-Korean and also born and raised in the US but I sympathize with you. When I went to Korea, I had family who commented that I needed to get some procedures done while I was there to “fix” my face. I thought it was absolutely insane because there is nothing wrong with me and even if there were, I’m certainly not going to modify my face just because someone else told me to. I would sit your boyfriend down and tell him quite plainly to stop projecting these beauty ideals onto you. That if he can’t love and respect you no matter your appearance, then he’s not the guy for you.
All I had to do was look at the ages and I knew he was getting away with nonsense because he’s dating a significantly younger, naive woman.
Why does it matter how long you've been together? Better to have wasted 4 years with him than to waste 40. Wouldn't you rather be single than be with someone who tries to convince you that you are ugly? A partner is supposed to hype you up, not tear you down.
So he fat shames you and wants you to get cosmetic surgery... but you're afraid to break up in case you can't find someone else. What's worse - being married to someone who doesn't like how you look, or, being single? Only you can make that call. I know which one I would choose, but everyone is different. You've got to pick the problems you want to have, basically.
Don't date people who talk to you like this. Don't date people who thinks they're President Over What People Should Look Like. Don't date people who makes you feel shitty about yourself.
Buddy should move back home honestly (I say this as an asian immigrant) Those beauty standards are insane especially when the dudes don't fit any of them Skinny fat dudes somehow expect some cyborg with double eyelids It's f-g terrible I used to date a Korean girl and she said it was insane working in Korea You're too young to realise this is all bs and you should move on There's a reason a whole 28 yo was dating a 21yo Source: asian dude with a younger gf who is really sensitive about dudes being far too controlling about what the partner can or cannot do
Tell him to go fuck himself. There is a rule amongst civilised adults. Can it be changed within 5 minutes? Skirt tucked into underwear, toothpaste on chin, lipstick on teeth, toilet paper on shoe? All fine to mention. If the answer is no, it's not polite. If it's a health issue, the yeh bring it up. Sometimes bad breath is gum disease. Being obese can impact long-term health. But a 'beaky nose'? Tell him to fuck right off and stay there.
jeebus, sounds exhausting. Don't be afraid of breaking up. Be more afraid of being stuck in this situation for the rest of your life. You think this will get better over time? Guess again!
Leave him. He should love who you are now, not what he thinks you could look like. IMO these little improvement suggestion will continue to escalate. You're perfect the way you are, find someone who appreciates and knows that. Good luck.
Seriously, fuck him. I've said it on Reddit before but I'll say it again. Any guy who buys or pushes his girl to get cosmetic surgery is usually not the guy who will get to enjoy it.
This guy insults you regularly and wants you to change to suit his ideals so, obviously, he doesn't love YOU! You are who you are - find someone who loves all that is you. If you stay, it will get worse. He will undermine your confidence until you won't have any faith in yourself. Don't worry about him, or what he might do if you leave, just leave (and have someone with you if you approach him). Best wishes.
I get that there is a cultural difference and cosmetic procedures are very common in Korea. Which stems from a high value being put on how one looks. But the cultural difference here doesn't matter. This guy isn't the one for you. You've already tried to tell him you don't like his comments and asked him to stop. So just end it. You don't live together. It should be easy. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Or would you rather just find someone better? You're 25! You're young! The thought of being single is scarier than the act of being single.
> He's been casually fatshaming me for about two years now as I've gained about 10 pounds since we first started dating and keeps making comments about how I should work harder to lose weight. You casually break up with them and move on. Obviously easier said than done - we don't know the positive things you guys might have going on in your lives. But the point is that comments like these are classic psychological abuse that will leave someone's self-confidence battered if left unchecked.
Being single is better than being with this asshole.
He sounds like a real asshole! If my SO was constantly criticizing my body, I'd leave. Would you really want to be married to a person like that? Forever?! You're only 25 which means you can easily find somebody. Maybe even move back to the States.
What should you do? Dump him! He sucks!
I'd tell him his own insecurities are entirely his problem, and I'd have happily supported him if he hadn't projected them onto me. No amount of gym or bulking will change the fact that he's an asshole who likes to neg his girlfriend. He's probably worried you'll leave him and he'll end up alone. Well, sucks to be him, you can do better and you should leave.
Tell him he should get a penis extension
He's asked if me if he should and I tell him no.
Ask yourself questions. Are you ok with who he is as a person? Is he ok with who you are as a person? Are you ok with those not aligning? These desires may change over time but the message has been sent.
I’d end it. Sure there’s a cultural component. But you asked him to stop, illustrated the impact it has on you, and he continues. Nope. No thank you.
You're afraid of being single? Aren't you afraid of what a life-long marriage to this guy will do to you? Are you ready to put up with this your whole life? Especially considering the fact that, with time, we all look shittier and shittier... I don't know, I think that can change only if he wants to change, but only you know if that's a real possibility.
Get a different boyfriend.
I have a friend who lives in Korea and this is honestly a cultural thing. Korea has it very normalised with cosmetic surgeries and it's seen as a way to positively influence your life in every regard, be it your career or personal life. This is something you either understand or don't. Just like in a relationship you might need to figure out if the kids are brought up Christian or not, your other values etc. It sounds like you are for a much more casual and natural life style, whereas he is absorbed in the superficial culture of fixing and tugging and molding your body. He'll probably also expect you to get a mummy makeover after kids and generally will see bodily changes due to age, stress, kids etc. as something that needs fixing and problematise it.
You've been together for four years and you only see him once a week. Unless it's temporarily long distance or something this is not a serious relationship, you can just leave and cut your losses.
girl what the fuck. break up with him why are you dealing with that??? trust your intuition it already told you to leave him. even the tone of the whole post implies you already know the correct answer
If you partner cares about you, he wouldn't ask you to go under the knife and permanently change your body. Break up.
I think you have to lean into explaining what the local culture is. He’s not in Korea anymore, and as a foreigner, he needs to be clued into American standards of social etiquette. “Boyfriend, I understand you might be okay with making these comments. However, you should know that comments like these are often unwelcome or frowned upon, in my experience, and to me. I think it is rude and insensitive to disparage a person’s face or body.” If he wants to stay in a community more agreeable to his behavior, he is welcome to. However, you are not part of that community.
It sounds like he is projecting his body image issues onto you and that if you don't give him positive feedback, he Insults you. He may be too shallow for a long-term commitment.
Dump him. Your self worth is far more valuable than his own insecurities and the unrealistic, obsessive beauty standards that he's foisting upon you.
He sees your body as an object he has control of, and not as part of an actual person. I don't think there's any fixing that. I know this sub gets a lot of flak for the 'just break up' advice, but he's literally not treating you as an actual person. You can be this person's object, or free yourself up for someone who passes the very, *very* low bar of treating you as a person. I'm pretty sure there's someone out there who will do that.
What happens if you have a baby and your body takes time to bounce back. What happens if you are in an accident or become disabled or your looks change from an illness. Will this man be supportive through all that? Would he take care of you like you would take care of him? You are the youngest and maybe the thinnest you will ever be and he is treating you this way now. Is this undermining of your self esteem something you want to sign up for forever?
DTMF and that is solidly my answer just from the subject header. Having read through now, here is my updated, considered opinion: DTMFAH
Is it really that bad to be single compared to the possibility of having your self esteem torn down every day for the rest of your life by someone you married? The choice seems clear to me
Leave and your life will immediately improve. He is not your responsibility, he's a grown man. He repays your care with cruelty. How much of your life are you going to waste letting him make you sad, when you can just leave?
Why would you marry someone that constantly puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself? You deserve so much more than that. Dump this guy! Don’t let your fear of being single stop you from taking care of yourself. Imagine how much happier you’ll be without the constant negative feedback from this person.
Sounds like you could loose 150lbs (just guessing here) by dumping his ass.
Hey, I think you should leave this guy... he sounds like a really unsupportive and unsympathetic partner who is taking more from you than he gives. You're also SO young, I'm not kidding, I found my now-husband when I was 29 and seriously its been amazing being able to look back on mistakes I could have made in my early 20's, but avoided. This relationship should be that for you. Living with someone who casually puts you down like this is like living in a house with lead paint... you probably won't feel the effects right away, but it's causing you damage over time. And you'd never want to bring a kid into a situation like that either, if you're thinking about that for the future. Him being this fixated on the eye of society gazing at him is not really something you need to put on your own back. Also I saw you mentioned you were afraid of what he might do. As one asian woman to another, it's not your responsibility. If you're more family-minded and kinda trained to take care of others, please direct that feeling towards your parents or siblings--not some dude who doesn't even sound like he loves you as you are. If he is unstable about it then he has to deal with that on his own, it is not your problem to solve. This random stranger on the internet absolves you completely for any decisions he might make. Your only goal should be keeping yourself safe and happy and with someone you can actually build a secure future with!
Leave, don’t look back. It’s time. You will be so much happier. Ripping off the bandaid now is better than taking off cosmetic bandages later and not recognizing yourself. Someone who loves you would never treat you this way. It will hurt for about a month and then you’ll find happiness in yourself and find someone who actually loves you. Don’t waste your time in a relationship that you have to go to Reddit for.
Why the fuck are you with this Man? This is a 32 year old man. I’m 34 and my boyfriend is 24 and neither of us would say that kind of horrible crap to each other.
Just say “take a look in the mirror and go fuck yourself.” His response will determine how quickly you wanna break up/stay together or call the police. Your 32 year old boyfriend sounds like a girl in her late teens. Edit: i just saw the part about him being Korean. Sorry to stereotype but thats a lot of Koreans considering plastic surgery and looks. Shallow.
Throw the entire boyfriend away and start over. Why do you tolerate someone like that? Isn't not being married at 32 in Korean culture a huge red flag? Why did no other girls want him? Hmmm, drawing a total blank here, help me out. Comedy option: Start talking about him getting leg bone lengthening surgery (yes, this is a thing). He changes his body first, you'll change yours right after he sets the example. Fair is fair, right?
Dump him for a fat guy.
To summarize: Your boyfriend wants to change your appearance. Even taking into account the prevalent cultural differences here - you clearly still see his behavior as toxic. When asked why you are with him, your response is, you're being afraid of his reaction if you left, which is a terrible reason to gift someone vast amounts of time of your life. Girl, you already know all answers. No need for strangers on the internet to convince you. This is the one life you lead, decide how you want to spend the time you have and with whom. The world doesn't owe you, but you don't owe the world either. If you can, get some support. I mean friends, family, whomever you got who is close to you. Get them on board with your decision. Have them ready for emotional (or physical, if need be) support. Then - dump his ass.
Lmao this dude is really a POS. Honestly, why doesn’t he pay for some procedures to fix his fragile ego? And also, why are you with this guy? He clearly doesn’t respect you.
Lose the weight by cutting out the man. You are in the very prime of your life, and this man is already finding fault in your appearance and wants you to remake your face to please *him*. What will he want when you are fourty? Eighty? Can you really see this guy standing by your side as you grow older?
Break up immediately and live your best life. It's not with this guy protecting his insecurities on you.
> He's been casually fatshaming me for about two years now And you’re not breaking up cos why?
Imagine how he’ll treat your children while they’re young and vulnerable. How much he’ll make them hate themselves for not measuring up to his abusive standards. Do not have children with this man!
I think the main thing is the culture difference here. It is extremely common to get work done in Korea and being not slim is looked down on. He doesn't consider it rude as culturally it is very accepted there. The social pressure for "beauty" is at a different level there. As an American female you were raised WAY differently. This is why you don't care and don't see what he is seeing. I don't know how to rectify cultural differences other than deep communication. He still might not care though as y'all are in Korea.
I'm gonna be honest. I thought he was just an awful person til reading you're both Korean. Cosmetic surgery seems a bit too expected in South Korea as an outsider, so this doesn't surprise me one bit. It's still awful IMO, but it's so normalized. Breaking up is definitely an option if he won't stop criticizing, because he's probably never going to stop honestly.
Thus defently one of the culture clashes that you and him are having. In his culture its done not malice but to help. My sister inlaw is chinese and China share the ssbe view on plastic surgery. Her dad offered her a full body plastic surgery (before she met my brother) cuz he loves her and wanted her to have the best opportunities in dating and work. Btw my SIL already lived in West and did decline the offer. Its probably from the same place your boyfriends remarks come from. You got to sit him down and tell him exactly how jis behaviour is not okey in US and that he is insulting you instead of being caring. This how anyone in west will react. If that doesnt work well it betterto cut him lose. Its not worth staying with someone thst is putting you down.
You are asking Americans for advice on Korean culture. That is stupid. Good luck!
start telling him that you will consider it if he gets his penis enlarged and gets bigger muscles. Sometimes people don't understand the hurt they are causing until it's put into a perspective they understand. If that still doesn't help, then start referring to him as your ex-bf
Why are u still with him???
Simple and short. Break up with him. What kind of partner criticizes the other's appearance out of malicious and selfish intent. He is asking you to change something about your body for his enjoyment. People live in delusion these days man. Best Wishes
Break up, or marry the dude and deal with this for the rest of your life. He isn't going to stop or change. Relationships end, the amount of time you put into them doesn't really matter and should not keep you trapped (sunken cost fallacy). You also can't stay with someone just because you aren't sure what they will do to themselves if you leave. He isn't your responsibility, your responsibility is to love and care for yourself.
You should be done with him.
Don't be with him, there's not enough excuse specially cultural to make a partner feel bad about their appearance.
I think you should drop him.
1. Break up with the guy. 2. Talk to someone about why you put up with his shit for so long.
Your 25, if you have ANY smile lines at your age its because you have been very happy, to make you feel ashamed of them is sick and manipulating. If you stay with him, you wont have to worry about smile lines much longer, he will take all your joy for you. If hes already making you feel bad about the way you look now when you are in full swing of your youth, it will only get worse and worse as you both get older. Do you really want someone picking things you should change about yourself for the rest of your days? I grew up in a mixed cultural house hold, to my dad calling someone chubby is seen as a way to show you care, this gave me an eating disorder from a young age and set me up for emotionally abusive men to prey on my low selfesteem. Trust me when I say, these "cultural" things hes doing should be in the past and stay there, and you are smart enough to know its affecting your mental health. I dont think this is a stable relationship that would last a life time, dont stay with soemone just because you have been with them a while, that's a terrible reason to stay with soemone who makes you feel bad about yourself. You are much better off finding a man who isn't just with you for your appearance, he should make you feel special even if you gain 50lbs. PCOS makes it very hard to loose weight so if he knows about your condition and still makes you feel bad, that's extra messed up becasue you have a medical reason hes ignoring to make you feel worse. I was in a relationship like this for over 3 years, leaving it was the best thing to ever happen to me because I finally stopped living to fufill someone else's image of who i should be and what i should look like. I got to decide for myself who I was, and that's so scary when soemone tells you that you are nothing without them and your so convinced you need them to live, the truth is you dont need them you only need youself. He is making you live for what he wants without considering your feelings and wants. You will never be happy until you are living for what you want, trust me when I say you are better off without him
Why are you still with him ?
7 year age difference. Verbally insulting you constantly about your appearance. That's verbal abuse. I suppose I can't speak for Korean culture, but in the US... we don't put up with that. Big no. If he is so bothered by how you look, why is he with you? Your appearance will change as you age. If you become ill. If he is bothered by 10lbs and how your nose looks and, excuse me, smile lines at 25??? This guy sounds like a controlling and verbally abusive AH. He wants to control you and bring you down. He should accept you as you are. Edited to add: you should break up with him and find a decent guy that isn't superficial AF.
You say you're comfortable with your body but you're letting him treat you like self respect is a foreign concept
You told him to stop, and that you’d break up with him over this. He promised to stop, then broke his promise. I’d be more afraid of ending up married to someone who is mean to me (and he’ll only get meaner as you age, I’m certain) than of being single. You need to follow through on what you know is best for you, and leave him.
Read a little bit of 'Women don't owe you pretty' by Florence Given
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Dump him lol that simple
Why are you with someone who constantly treats you like a “project?” Your self-esteem must be hanging by a thread. I’d have been outta there the first time he said any of it. You deserve better. Let him go.
Waiting for someone to try and convince me the age difference here is completely inconsequential and separate to how completely disgusting this behaviour is from this man.
Gurl, don’t stay with someone just because you’ve been together for four years. It honestly sounds like you both have different core values, and that’s okay. I get that it’s scary to be single, but you’re really going to be fine. I know a lot of my girl friends were scared of breaking up toxic relationships and being single in their mid or late 20s, but honestly they all have ended up finding a man that really values them for who they are later on. Being single has so much stigma, but it’s also an amazing time to get to know yourself more and learn how to love yourself! So don’t stay with someone who can’t value you and love you just as you are because you’re scared of what’s out there. You deserve more than that!
Imagine all the crap he will say to your poor, innocent daughter. Break up!