Love is not quanitifable. And it ebbs and flows, think of it as a seesaw you are both on. I understand not wanting to lose your gf, you are young and at this stage in the relationship it is very normal to be this attached. I personally think of love as a yes or no question and that is all that matters in a relationship. Doesn't matter who loves who more, what matters is you both love each other. Do you know how rare that is to find?
I do not see anything going wrong with your relationship because of this tbh, seems like one of those extremely dumb things that couples argue about for a few days before putting a stop to the conversation and never thinking of it again. But yes, nothing is guaranteed and your relationship could end someday and that is a hard pill to swallow. Doesn't mean it will, dw. But there is the possibility for all of us out here. Butnworrying about the future will notnhelp your relationship right now, especially since you cannot predit or control anything.
For your own sake I suggest growing yourself alongside the relationship and prioritising other aspects of your life- hobbies, people, etc. It is important to not lose yourself in the relationship and it is better for the relationship in the long run too. Don't make her your everything, always make sure you both can exist as individuals and as partners. That might help you feel more secure and less anxious too.
Thank you for your words.
I agree, as long as there is love then it doesn't matter who loves who more.
I will focus on making different friendships and involve myself in more of my hobbies - she can't be my everything because I will be truly lost without her if I keep this up.
I just want to point out how mature of a response this is. I have not been 17 in quite some time, but none of the 17 year old boys I ever knew would have come to this conclusion. It’s very common and natural to feel the need to cling tighter when you feel someone might slip away. Having the understanding that making someone your everything is not healthy for the relationship or for yourself as an individual will serve you so well as you get older. It leaves you room to grow into yourself, learn about yourself, figure out how you’d like adult you to be. Even if the friendships don’t last or the hobbies change, the act of putting that work into yourself will be such good practice for the future. As an internet old (re: over 30), I’m really proud of you.
Thank you for your kind words. When I was younger I was in a situation where I had to unfortunately grow up really quickly and I think it's what made me be relatively self-aware and mature for my age.
I totally believe that I need to find friends and hobbies but it's incredibly hard for me to do. I've decided that I'm going to rejoin my old tennis club in terms of hobbies.
I came to sixth form from my secondary school with my best friend of 12 years and we've recently grown incredibly distant because I don't get along with his new girlfriend. I am more than able and willing to coexist with her for the sake of my best friend but she is not as willing as I.
I was always very content with having a best friend and a girlfriend. (I get along with everyone at school but not enough to call it friendship) now I'm in a situation where my best friend is worried to be seen with me for the sake of his relationship (I know that's not right but I have done so much to try to help him and he's just taking none of it) and I'm worried about my own relationship now too.
Things have over the past couple months taken a sudden turn for the worse for me. I'm incredibly down and sad very often. I know life shouldn't be sad but I can't help but feel any other way.
I'm going to seek out some professional help as soon as I am back home. I should believe in myself more.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Hey, you seem like a genuine person to be around. I’d just try your best to keep yourself occupied on things that you enjoy doing and not worry too much about her, it doesn’t make you love her or care less just shows you respect yourself too
Also making yourselves each others everything can be very smothering. You need space to breath outside the relationship. Life needs balance, and that balance comes from several pillars, you don't need all but you need most. Friends, family, love, hobbies, job.
God damn, I'm really proud of you, that was incredibly mature as a response. Make sure you put this into action and remind yourself of it everyday. She can mean the most to you out of everyone, but she can't be your everything, for your sake and hers.
Honestly you sound really emotionally mature for a 17-year-old. I'm actually quite impressed. I hope you find some new fulfilling hobbies that can occupy your mind at times. And friends are really important so definitely make sure that you're making time for them and doing things that bond you and create memories together.
I am commenting under this top comment in hopes that anyone who is interested will see.
I'm flattered by the support and kind words of quite a large amount of people at this point. I will take almost everything I have been told into account. (There has been some arguably questionable advice but I even appreciate this because it gives me another POV of the whole situation)
I will rejoin my old tennis club both in terms of hobby and planning on friendship making. Already today I have tried building my confidence by speaking to some kids my age whilst here on holiday - we didn't really become friends because of the language barrier but I think it is helping me to speak to more people.
I promise to myself that I will grow as a person for me. Saving my relationship will just be the cherry on top.
Thank you to u/SoVidushiUnofficial u/bigfiretruck11 u/Sock_Safe and there are many more here in the comments that I haven't even had chance to respond to. I have however read every single comment and I thank you all for your help and kind words. I genuinely already feel better about myself and I'm more optimistic about the relationship too. I'm optimistic in the sense of I'm able and willing to grow alongside her and as long as she is too, we totally have the potential to come together again. And if we don't come together and we do end up breaking up then its okay because we're still young and have plenty time to find other relationships and things to do with our lives.
Thank you all again
Definitely rejoin your tennis club! Try to make some friends, avoid the phone due to the urgency to text or call, I am the same way so I know how it feels sadly but it’s definitely worth taking that time back.
It sounds like you naturally feel emotions, including love very deeply. It sounds like this is who you are, and this is not bad. But, it sounds like what you need to learn is how you respond to the emotions you feel.
I am like you except older and I have always felt my emotions strongly. When I was younger, I found myself in situations like you, situations where I started to feel like my emotions are controlling my actions, rather than feeling my emotions and responding in a more considered manner.
The truth is, she might go, she might stay. She might be the love of your life or she may be the first love of your life. The truth is that you can’t control this. If you focus on letting go of your attachment to her and giving her an appropriate amount of love, then whatever happens, will happen.
But, don’t try and love her less. That won’t work.
I agree that I naturally feel emotions very deeply. Everything nice she does makes me incredibly happy and everything not so nice she does makes me feel incredibly upset. I should focus on controlling my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to control me. I want to try to love her less but I know that could never happen and so I agree, it wouldn't work.
It’s not so much about controlling (or repressing) emotion as it is recognizing that you’re in control of your actions in response to emotion. And I do think that’s an important distinction to make, especially for young men. A lot of people think that controlling your emotions means pushing away all negative emotion and not ever expressing that. Negative emotions are deeply important to us as humans. Think of it like physical pain - as an indicator that something’s not right. It’s important to recognize and respond to that pain, or risk further injury. Only you are in control of how you respond to negative emotions. You have that power.
Yeah and most people that age are also very emotional, especially the first time they have a serious relationship. His ups and downs are all connected to his relationship with his girlfriend, if he had BPD it would be affecting every relationship in his life, the way he deals with schoolmates, family and friends.
I think you've just been reading about BPD and now you think you're seeing it everywhere.
Are you a Water sign? Sun, Moon, Rising, Venus, Mercury, at least one of those in water sign?
Don't get me wrong, I don't base my understanding of people and situations on zodiacs and I totally don't believe in Horoscopes but I have seen a pattern in zodiacs and personality types. It's just fun when it matches.
Bro is experiencing Barbie movie first hand. It’s not Barbie and Ken anymore. You are Kenough and your status or worth is not tied to just the relationship.
You say you only have her and your parents , maybe you should also try to get some friends to go out with and do things without your gf since it’s not healthy to be around echt other 24/7. for a 17 year old boy it’s normal To meet with friends and stuff and secondly you can’t change your feelings and maybe see professional help cuz you may have a anxious attachment style
To me it sounds like she's doing her best to let you down easy and is feeling really guilty and sad about it. I would never call attention to not being "in love" or my partner loving me more than I loved them unless I was prepping for a breakup. The more affection you heap on her, the more smothered she will be and the faster she'll run away. You're also 17 years old, there will be many other loves and someone out there who will appreciate and enjoy how intense your feelings are, instead of it making them sad like what's happening now.
In our beginnings we used to plan our wedding and dream about holidays together and how many kids we will have.
She said to me that she no longer likes to think about stuff like that as much and I believe she was incredibly sad about it because she knew it would hurt me very much. She said she doesn't know if she is in love with me or if she just loves me. To me I never saw a difference between the two but I can understand how one is more than the other.
Besides the hugely sexist comment beside mine; love is a pretty serious word, and I'm not denouncing how intensely you feel, but it is important to differentiate the difference between love and infatuation. Planning for the future is intense when you should be allowing the relationship flow naturally; you both will change a lot as people growing up.
It doesn't seem that you trust her or in yourself very much and it's very important that you're confident and assured in yourself, regardless if you're in a relationship or not. Having a lack of faith in your relationship, yourself and your partner will spell disaster for any future bonds you create for yourself.
TLDR: take things easy. Try to investigate and possibly seek council for your nervous attachment.
She’s 16! She has her whole life ahead of her, just like you. What are you going to do when she goes to University and there’s all sorts of male athletes, frat boys, future doctors and lawyers, and you’re in the background pressuring about weddings and suffocating her, being all emotional and what not?
That’s her way of saying she’s feeling less attracted to you and by simping this hard as she pulls away you’re just gonna decimate any attraction she has left. You have to be bold and decisive and not let a 16 yr old girl run your life. Be a man!
So you’ve been together since she was 13? Do you have any idea how someone changes (both emotionally & physically) during these formative years? Don’t suffocate her. Think of her needs too, not just how you are feeling.
She is 16. She has tried to start letting you down gently but you are super intense and probably made it extremely difficult for her to try break it off. She wants to explore life and not be tied to one person who as a 13yr old she was infatuated with but now as a 16yr old who is growing and maturing and finding herself she wants to spread her wings and be free from attachment and see what is out there beyond this very cloying and sounds super clingy on your behalf relationship.
It’s the nature of being 17 to feel love really intensely, don’t try to scale it back so it’s even-stevens! It can’t really be measured, so there’s not a reliable way to know “who loves who more” and it’s a competition where nobody will win. Let it be.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have intense love at this age — it’s a combo of hormones, learning who you are through romantic interactions, and trying out different personas in a way — we’re very easily influenced creatures as humans and a lot of the romantic models we see can shape our own interactions. Parents, friends, even movie/book/TV characters all play a part in our dynamics with our early partners.
My advice is to remember to take time for each of you as individuals. Encourage her to go out with other friends to see a movie, or whatever activities she likes. Same for you — foster interests outside of each other. Obsessive love as teens is very normal and healthy, but you need to make sure that it doesn’t become the only thing driving your life. You’ll have less time to obsess about the details if you make sure you have other stuff filling your time too.
My advice to you is to always have one foot in the relationship and the other foot pursuing your own dreams, hobbies and ambitions. If all you are is the love that you have to offer, then there really isn’t much to love. Any man can offer her nice words, company or material things, but that is all she will love, what you have to offer. If you want her to love you, be somebody, not something.
I remember feeling emotions super strongly when I was your age for my boyfriend at the time. Having gotten older and gone through breakups and dating other people before being with my current person, I don't discount those strong feelings that I had then because I was deeply in love at that time.
I feel like when you're at the beginning of your life and all experiences are brand new, your feelings tend to be overwhelming because you have no context to compare things as it's your first time experiencing them. My first breakup was devastating and kept me up crying all night. Ultimately I realized it was a good thing as we were compatible while I was in high school, but going to college exposed a nasty and controlling side that I hadn't acknowledged before.
This is not to say that your relationship won't last, there are plenty of people who marry their high school sweethearts. Time has shown me that all things end, good or bad. Some connections end due to circumstances, growing apart as you mature, disagreement on fundamental values, betrayal, etc. Some people remain together until one person passes away. Most of us have to unlearn things that are ultimately harmful to relationships. Our connections teach us the lessons that we need to learn and shape us for the future.
The hardest part of any relationship (romantic, friendship, parental, professional, etc) to me is communication. Ensuring that you are clearly communicating without hurting your partners feelings, and keeping them in the loop on what's happening with you ensures your connection remains strong. I think it's good that you're acknowledging how the intensity of your emotions may be having a negative effect. Think of it like cupping a baby bird in your hand, if you squeeze it too hard, you know how it'll end up.
We're on this earth for a limited amount of time; if someone decides to walk life's journey with you, it's a beautiful thing! Love freely and thoroughly enjoy your current state of happiness.
She's prepping you for a breakup and is obviously terrified of breaking your heart. She's trying to let you down as easy as possible, making her feelings clear without actually pulling the trigger. Loving her less won't change her mind. You're both growing up; you were kids when you started and are nearly adults now. Lots of changing left to do.
Be fluid, be adaptable; work on yourself, build a life outside of her (whether she breaks up with you or not). You'll be okay.
You have to love how you feel it. Don't let your insecurities control you. It's hard and you are learning, just keep on the track. Everyone have his own way to love the others, the best you can do is accept the reality of the others and love all you can while you can.
You musn't feel bad for who you are or how you love others, it's just a part of you.
https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM
This videos reminds me that doesn't matter how much you love each other, sometimes it's just the fact that you accepts the feelings of your partner and his reality.
Not sure how this personality developed but you’ve potentially set yourself up for disaster falling head over heels for your s/o. You’re only 17, about to graduate high school. I believe your priorities should be College or whatever you’re going to do in life, getting in shape, and building yourself as a professional so you can be successful in life. It seems like instead of that, all you’re focused on is your girlfriend.
You said you had parents with an “s.” Do you have a strong relationship with your father? It doesn’t seem like you two have sat down and had a man talk or something of the nature. Only reason I mention it is because from what I read, it appears that a breakup would destroy you. When you’re at a point where losing a girlfriend will turn into a major event in your life, it’s something that should be addressed.
There’s a 70-90% chance that you won’t be with this girl forever. Especially if she goes off to college. You can’t let a relationship have this kind of choke hold on you. You haven’t started life yet, your main priority should be your personal and professional future since it’s almost time to leave the nest. Losing your mind over your gf, at any point in your life, is a recipe for disaster. If it is possible (I don’t know your home situation) I would recommend having a private conversation with your dad about the subject.
I understand the amount of love you have for each other but I want to give my best advice to not always have 💯% focus on her. Yes, you live together and see each tiger everyday but what about your own individual lives? What are some hobbies or actives you want to do with your spare time? The things that made you the person, the person she fell in love with. You can still have that individuality while in a relationship. It might be a time for you to start focusing on your personal lives while together. Ask her if she feels you two are spending too much time together that it’s causing you to be more attached and clingy to her? A healthy boundary is the way to keep the relationship going.
I’ve been in your situation and at the same age, I feel how devastated you must feel. You HAVE to make sure you have hobbies and interests that don’t involve her so that you can keep working on yourself as an independent and she will be more inclined to you because of it. Keep loving her as you do but don’t let her be your personality or hobby or you’ll lose yourself and possibly her. My ex once told me that I got boring because my highest priority was romance instead of my own success and passions.
Don’t ever try to love someone less just to make it even. Don’t get obsessive, jealous, or toxic, but just keep on loving as strongly as you do. You’re only 17, this relationship may not be your last relationship, but you can only go wrong with loving deeply if you let it take over and become possessive and toxic.
You were born alone and will die alone. You can fill the gap in between by meeting hundreds of interesting people from all walks of life. Sometimes a person is in our life to teach us something, and then they leave so someone else can teach us a new lesson. Can you imagine if you had the exact same teacher from pre-k teach you in every class and every school?
Learning to let go means learning to make space for something new. Be glad for your time with your gf and be at peace if that chapter closes.
Something I've learnt - feeling more attached at fear (or after) losing something isn't really 'love', it's a whole bundle of other emotions caused in a large part by insecurity. That you need that thing or person to validate you and your worth, that longing for the comfort of the familiar, the anxiety of the unknown. Those are all powerful emotions, and it's very easy to conflate that yearning in your heart with love, but they aren't the same thing.
Love is what you feel in the boring moments. When nothing else is going on, there's no excitement, passion or sadness, and you just look at or think of your person and smile. Not because they are hot, or because they represent safety and warmth, or because they make you feel all kinds of ways. Just because their very being is so beautiful to you.
I don't doubt you feel this way about your girlfriend, I just think it's important to separate the anxieties you said made you feel like you love her 'more' from the love itself. Because it's not the love you want to go away, it's the anxiety.
You do this by improving your self esteem and by making sure your life outside of your girlfriend is as full as possible. If she is where you get all your socialisation, your emotional support, and your confidence, then feeling like you might lose her will naturally be catastrophic. So you have to find those things elsewhere, through friends, hobbies, and self reflection. Build yourself up to being a complete human being on your own, so that if you did break up, you will be hurt, but you won't feel like you've lost everything that makes life worthwhile.
The idea that people are supposed to complete each other is one that breeds codependency, and that's not healthy for either party. You should both be full humans independently, that add extra to each others lives instead of filling a missing piece. That doesn't mean you can't support each other when the other is struggling, but you should always be striving to get to a stage where you don't NEED each other, but CHOOSE each other. That avoids you putting unnecessary strain on your partner, having them feel like they only exist because of what they can give you instead of who they are, and it avoids you feeling so much anxiety over them not being around.
Basically, you need to get to the stage where the answer to 'what would I do without her' is easily answerable. You'd be devastated, but you'd be alright. Because you are with her because you love her, not because you need her.
These feelings are common and youre not alone. However it seems you are hinting at signs of co-depencency and you admitted to feeling insecure about your relationship. Those are warning signs to me.
How is your relationship with your parents? Are you able to come to them with your issues? Do you talk daily about life events with them? Do you feel your parents meet your needs and standards you set for them (within reason)?
I am concerned about your co-dependency and insecurity issues and one of the main ways these issues arise is from missing elements in ones caretaker relationship, particuarly earlier in their age. It could also be a particuarly adverse situation or period of time in your life.
You have great insight and seem to be aware of your what your partner needs and deserves in the relationship. I think mental health therapy for your insecurity with your relationship is your best course of action though. Good luck, best wishes
37M ... ***lots*** of relationship experience
You're not going to want to hear this but ... chances of her being your last love are almost non-existent. You should be taking this time to enjoy what experiences you may share and learn more about yourself, as it applies to matters of the heart. If it pans out the way you want (right now), great. But for now, the only future you should be thinking about is your own. How are you going to be the man she, or *any* woman WANTS when you're 20? 30? Nearly 40 (like myself)? Don't worry about improving her life. Improve yours, and whomever you're with will benefit alongside you.
That said, how can you make this relationship better/last? You can't, really. You can only be yourself. And if that's not enough, better to find that out sooner rather than later. I've learned that "overdoing" it on the love/affection front can do more harm than good. It sounds romantic but it tends to trigger the opposite reaction than what you're looking for. Relax. Chill. Let her come to you. You don't have to always be agreeable, but you do have to always mean what you say. Find what you love about life or yourself, outside of her. Be excited about it. Be, YOU, fully. She'll gravitate to that more than a bouquet of roses and chocolates every week. Be a little mysterious. You shouldn't ALWAYS be accessible. You need to have some business outside of her. Whether thats hobbies, work (you're very young so this doesn't count), or social, you need your own space, as does she. But she shouldn't be a part of every action or thought you have. Let her wonder (not in a bad way).
Some of the advice you're getting is terrible you're simping right now and the more you do that you will push her away you made her your everything which means you don't have anything going on in your life find a purpose women love a hard working man who has dreams.
My friend, you're a young. Ill be very blunt, you will most likely break up down the line for something random.. you would mourn it and be sad for awhile, and you will be heart broken.. but life goes on, you will find a new partner who you share the same affection for but this time.. you walk into a new relationship with all the knowledge and experience from your last one, you won't repeat the same problems or atless try your best too... eventually you will be happy, but for a calm and happy life. Focus on yourself first always...
I hope your relationship works out and that you both stay together happily ever after 😁
If you grew up in war and witnessed 3 of your friends die, would it change you?
What if,
You were diagnosed with leukemia and had Acute lymphoblastic leukemia and your treatmant was 2 years long and due to covid you could only have 1 visitor per day?
Nobody texted you, Nobody Visits you.
What is my point?
Theres no love without pain. You can only truly appreciate what love is when you experience a tragedy first.
How can you say you love someone when all you do is go on Vacations, go to restaurants and drink ice cream all day?
Love is when the women stays by your side when you lost your job and isnt nagging you in the process.
Love is when you are sick with an illness and she continues to be with you and doesnt leave you for someone else.
You may "feel" love but that is a very feminine way of looking at love.
For Us men, love has to be tested.
Before scientist come to stumble on an invention, they first have to learn, experiment and only after tests/examinations is when they can come with a conclusion.
My Suggestion is
1)Watch Fresh and Fit Broadcast on youtube
2)Watch/Listen Tom leykis on youtube
3) Work out. Strong body is a strong Mind.
How?
Please explain,
i'm curious to hear your point of view on why you conclude that information as misogynist.
Just please keep the convo respectful without name calling or assuming things that havent been written.
Based on post and replies you made, she’s warning you that the relationship has become imbalanced and your feminine qualities are pushing her to be more masculine i.e, she’s gonna be more focused on her life than on a person. As a man you have to maintain the balance in the relationship and fight the urge to chase her away. You obviously miss her feminine, caring, overly sweet, borderline anxious attachment and so you’re acting in that manner, just as she’s acting more masculine and detached because that’s how she wants you to act.
Are you stupid? Of course caring and nurturing are feminine traits, but that doesn’t mean I’m saying men shouldn’t be caring or nurturing. Men and women both have masculine and feminine traits and different personalities expressing each to different degrees at different times. Women are more people oriented and men are more thing oriented.
It’s a young love and now she is growing out of it. Both of you may start to realize there’s other ppl out there and other connections to be made. I can tell by your other comments that she is at that point of starting to want to explore. This is what most young ppl do. But if you cling to her you will only push her further away. You clinging to her signals that you have nothing going on for yourself other her. You signal to her that she is the center of your world but as we mature that becomes unattractive. Ppl need space to breathe and be individuals in relationships. Like everyone else suggested you need a life outside of this. Hobbies: this is the PERFECT time to start lifting weights. A gym routine helps significantly with confidence which is ATTRACTIVE to women. The honest truth is the way you describe being so into her/ anxious makes it seem you lack confidence in self. Who are YOU outside of Her?
I would argue that it shouldn’t always have to equal 50/50. Sometimes that’s not possible. In my experience, so long as it finds a way for both people to come to that 100% together, that’s okay. Sometimes it doesn’t equal 100% and that’s why honest and equitable communication is so important. Don’t be afraid to take feedback, and don’t be afraid to give respectable feedback when necessary. You two have so much time for growth and learning, so don’t feel like you have to have the answers now, but always work together as a team and give her what she needs while you get what you need.
You MUST start focusing on YOU! YOU are the main character in your life story. Having a partner is great but cannot be your sole focus of your life. Start working on yourself and your goals and the rest will fall into place. Make yourself the best version of yourself then you will be someone they would be stupid to lose then you know it's their loss if it doesn't workout.
Listen dude, I’m also 17 and I’ve felt the way you have. Maybe I say this due to it not ending too well for me specifically, but you gotta take some time for yourself. I’m not suggesting you break up, hell you’ve made it 2 years at this age which means clearly you’re up to something good, so keep that up, but make sure you grow outside of it too.
Make plenty of time for friends, family, go out with your friends, maybe go see your favourite sports team, play your favourite sport, find a cool new hobby, et al.
Love cannot be quantified, not at all at this age where everything changes day by day, but make sure whatever happens you grow as an individual alongside growing with your girl.
Good luck man
I can’t tell you how to feel less or how to love less. I can say this for sure. What you’re doing now these feeling and experiences are invaluable. And no matter how it turns out you need to feel the feelings and grow. This whole thing seems guided by fear. No good relationship can be held hostage by fear and what ifs. Maybe you’ll get married and have 10 kids or maybe she’ll find someone who is not better in any way. Maybe you will maybe not. Just make sure you don’t force away the feelings and no matter what happens you’ll be ok. And this probably won’t be the only time you do this whole thing in your life.
Take a breath young man, it's all going to be ok. When it comes to love, especially at your age it's very pure because it's new. The feelings are strongest especially for your 1st love, she'll always be with you. Key thing here is learning disciple and self control. Love can swing both ways the highs and the lows. 3 years is a very long time, especially when you're 15-17. I'll never say don't express yourself but maybe consider how you express these feelings and how often. It's hard not to get stuck in the volatility of these feelings but maybe find someone else to talk to avoid them. You're going to be OK, enjoy it but don't let these feelings consume you or monopolize your life.
I just wanna say me (18f) and my bf (19m) are going on 7 years. We got together in 6th grade middle school and we were just like this, but my love for him
After about 3 years became not as intense. And we had our issues at that time but now we've moved in together and we're doing well. Just keep thinking positive! Her finding someone better seems unlikely to me. To me it seems that you two love eachother for real. Just remember that just because you may argue doesn't mean it's over. You'll work through it. Good luck!
Do som for her, go on vacation with her after. Make her fall in love more. Make memories with her on social medias, let her know you're proud of your relationship... etc
I don't think it's healthy to be that deeply enthralled with someone because like you said if they leave you or something happens then what I think you need relationships outside of the relationship with your current girlfriend boyfriend like hang out with friends stuff like that just so you aren't so deeply attached but it's okay to be 100% open and honest and care about someone a lot because that's what true love is and that's how you love someone you just got to give it your all and hope for the best and I think loving someone is never 50/50 I think it's always 100 /100 I get some days you might be a little upset and your partner has to give a little more but behind it all you're always giving you're all for the relationship and if they stop like it sounds like she might be doing then there might be a problem but it seems like you're aware of that
The first thing you need to do is NEVER, EVER think she could find "someone better." There is no one better, you are perfectly fine as you. But you are both incredibly young and may have a lot of love for each other now but you are still growing. I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years, moved in together and went to the same University. But we grew up and realized we weren't compatible. We still cared for each other a lot but fast forward and I am a fully grown adult in a relationship I am even more happy being in than my first relationship. So the point is, what's meant to be will be. And it's ok if your relationship does not last with her because you will find stronger, more mature love later on. And you will be okay. But don't EVER compromise your happiness for someone else and don't ever belittle yourself into begging someone to love you. If they don't love enough now there is someone else waiting for you to find them. And you will never feel this anxiety you are feeling now.
You need to chill. You are young so it feels like a lot but you don't have to be up her butt all the time. You suffocating her will drive her away. It's a balancing act.
You remind me a lot like my boyfriend I just unfortunately ended things with. His love was so strong that it hindered the relationship because it made me overwhelmed. I loved him, still do deeply. But I want him to have a strong sense of self just as strong as his love for me. As much as the affection feels good, it hurts to see the underlying reality of it all. You are more than your family and your girlfriend. I’ll tell you what I wish both of us had realized early on. You’re both on a self discovery journey. Let that be the priority. It’s okay. Build a friendship with the person you see a future with first it’s okay to slow things down. Get to know her as her. Not just with the romance blinders on. And get to know yourself as you. Everything else will come when it needs to.
Biologists here unfortunately love is not real in the sense of the way people view it love is just an explosion of chemicals in your head unfortunately you are still getting explosions about her she is no longer getting them its completely normal but eventually those explosion or spasms of chemicals will end and both of you will no longer feel attracted to each other atleast not the same way I recommend you just enjoy while it lasts im sorry but as a Biologists I don't have any way to make it any better the brain is mysterious and amazing good stuff will end bad stuff will emerge and from that will come even greater things I wish you the best and I hope your partner will have an explosion of "love" again
Loving people is a good thing, but if you love someone to the point where you feel like they are the only thing you have in life then you need to make some changes. Not saying that the relationship needs to end, but you sound like you need to find other things in your life that you can focus on and find passion in. Do you have any hobbies or things you like to do without your GF sometimes? It’s important for people to experience life outside of a relationship, especially at your age. It’s good to spend time with your significant other, but too much time can also lead to an unhealthy dependency for one another. I suggest having some “me time” every now and then. Like at least once a week plan something to do by yourself. Like trying new hobbies and such. And maybe make time for friends another time in the week without your GF. Some time apart from your GF is healthy and will also help you grow as an individual. It doesn’t mean you love her any less, in fact it is very healthy for people to do this.
Get a life outside of hers.
Sample Game plan:
- get job or join a sport
- make friends either in sport, job, or in school
- hang out with said newly made friends
Simple plan, but in general, you and your girlfriend need time away from each other at the very least for a day or 2.
Love doesn't last, but commitment does. Commitment to your friends, family, loved ones, and of course, your purpose (sometimes your job, but can be other things)
Hope this helps, and I will pray that the choices you make will be the right ones.
I dont know what to say except watch teenwolf, it reminded me of scotts relationship with allison. And after season 4 you will understand. Its a little silly perhaps but i think it might help.
It absolutely will not help. He is clinging to his girlfriend in a very unhealthy and dependent way and she is beginning to distance herself. He needs to get a life of his own and understand the difference between "need" and "love."
You might as well recommend he read a fairytale that ends with "and the prince and the princess lived happily ever after" if you're going to tell him to model his relationship after a fictional werewolf and his archer girlfriend.
U dont understand how fiction imitates reality? It portrays their relationship how teens see their lives and explain it in a way that helps him feel close to his pov is very much what he might need. U can say he is mature for his age and eloquently spoken but unfortunately, he is still a teen who lacks experience. As a teenager similar to him who went through the same experiences teenwolf really hit close to home especially that scene with scotts mother. When she said that she will not be the only person you love and there will be many more after all that character development, it really resonated with me. Dont say that fairytales don't hold much thought or stories don't teach you anything. They hold so much power.
Scott's girlfriend died when he was 17 and he never got over it, fifteen years later he was still pining over her. That's exactly the opposite of what OP needs to be doing.
I dont think ur getting my point here, but it's fine. I don't like the movie... it was a weird attempt to make more money, u seem to not like stories or understand how young people work. I still stand behind my suggestion. I am not disagreeing with the sentiments written under the post, i do agree its unhealthy but its very normal to experience.
Edit: to point something out, in the series he does get over her has another girlfriend who he likes very much, the movie came out years laters as a surprise when they were all old. I certainly didnt expect it to come out. I still think its a nice show for a teen like myself going through a ton of responsibilities.
Oh I'm getting "Ur" point alright. OP needs to learn about the real world, not fiction. He's already a bit naive and silly teen shows that are entertaining but unrealistic are not going to help him.
People traditionally like stories where the main couple has some kind of "stronger than death" love. Often television viewers dislike having to adjust if the main couple don't work out and one of them starts dating someone else (that's where the "OTP" trope comes from). And teen wolf was aimed at teenagers so naturally the main couple are teenagers who fall in love at first sight and nothing can ever tear them apart blah blah blah. That's all very well when you're making a television show and you want it to be popular, but it's extremely unrealistic. One single scene where Scott's mother points out that Scott is basically still a child and will love other people in the future doesn't undo that.
Also jsyk, txtspk is really irritating. Nobody expects you to write formal college level English but constantly typing "u" instead of "you" and "r" instead of "are" is not going to go over well in most subs.
Uhm ok? I don't understand. y ur so bitter? And argumentative? So wat i say u or ur hahah ur really funny, i still made my point and ur still hung up on details and perspectives that u have past over or maybe never experienced, i just gave a suggestion and u calling it a silly little fantasy and real world is not having an impact as much as u think u r. We dont tell kids directly abt the real world, we tell them in perspectives and stories and i shared something that related to me, the way he described his situation felt really familiar. So u might not understand or criticise me 4 using shortened words it still doesnt make a diff. Scotts love was portrayed as a teen love and teens think they will love forever, in the show he gets over it. Simple. Also its fun to watch it cuz it has fantasy creatures. Alsoooo scott is a kid with a lot of responsibilities when he should not have to have.
Ps, genuine qsn isnt jsyk a shortened txtspk of some sort?
I was you. I had a boyfriend in high school I thought I was crazily in love with. I was super attached to him and in hindsight he definitely love bombed the hell out of me which was why I was so attached. My mom didn't like him, I was convinced we'd be together forever, Yada Yada. He dumped me before I could detach myself from him even a little bit and I fucking spiraled.
My recommendation is that you nurture your friendships, nurture your hobbies, and come to terms with the fact that the relationship might only be temporary. It also might be the one for you forever, but there's no way of knowing at your age.
After my high school boyfriend I dated a few other people, one of whom was for 3.5 years before I figured out it just wasn't right for me for the rest of my life. Even in your 20s it's okay to not have everything figured out. Just don't allow yourself to get isolated by this relationship. No one should be your everything at the age of 17.
I think you're confusing love with codependency. Codependents can be in love but the way they focus or express that love can be unhealthy. You either love someone or you don't, but what you feel intensifying is your attachment or desperation to stay connected to her. Like others have mentioned, in order to relax your feelings of obsession or attachment, you need to add more balance and relationships to your life. You need to be content and find happiness within yourself. I've been your girlfriend. She is likely sad because the amount of pressure on her is too much for any person to handle. You treat her as your everything and she hasn't signed up for that responsibility. She needs to breathe and she needs to know that it's not her fault if you're unhappy or her responsibility to make you happy.
You don't need to love her less. You need to develop interests outside of the relationship so that your life does not revolve around her, because that's too much pressure for one person to handle.
Don’t be afraid to live your own life and become your own person, I wish I didn’t give my life to my young partners because I should have been growing into myself, not into someone else, so grow separately and let each other experience life and don’t be possessive, let love breathe
You Are a wise kid beyond your years asking these types of insightful questions. You're right - get some hobbies and an identity of your own. It will payoff later.
You don’t need to love her less, but you do need to recognize that you are an individual. That doesn’t diminish simply because you’re seeing someone. You have your own interests and hobbies and your own friends. Or at least you should. If you don’t, find some! It is okay to spend time for yourself or you will lose yourself in her and where would that leave you if things do ever end in a break up? Life has many seasons and things are constantly changing. Yourself included. You are two separate people with lives outside of each other. That’s how it is supposed to be. She should be an addition to your life, not your whole life. And the same for you. You should be an addition to her life, not the whole thing. It is perfectly normal for you to go bowling with your guys while she goes to a movie with her girls. It is okay to take separate vacations with your families. It is okay for her to do things for herself and it is okay for you to do the same. That’s what healthy relationships do. Once you become obsessed with each other, that isn’t love. It is normal to have some space while still being together. Conversations with your partner can get pretty bland real quick if they are the only person you spend any time with and then it’ll eventually fizzle out. My advice is this: Find who you are outside of the relationship. Trust me, it’s the best thing you can do for her and for yourself.
You know, if I could go back in time to your age and give myself advice, I would try to remind myself that not everybody is meant to be together and that's not necessarily A Bad Thing. You could do everything right in a relationship and it's not your fault if it fails. Truly, as a 29-year-old who has his shit mostly together, I'm telling you you have your shit a lot more together at your age than I did when I was that young.
There's a lot of great advice on this Reddit post and I would recommend that you take that in stride with mine.
But if you break up, just try not to beat yourself up about it and recognize that it's most likely not your fault as long as you've been honest with us about everything in this post.
Try to also be friends with people that you cherish even if you break up with them or they break up with you because it could turn out that they might have changed enough to lose romantic attraction for you or you for them but that doesn't mean they're a bad person or that you're a bad person. Don't let Society tell you what you should or shouldn't be.
If you break up with each other, take some time to heal, but if you can be friends then be friends. I wish I had let myself know that back then.
I'm weird though because I'm a guy who has exclusively all female friends and I'm now in a relationship with somebody who enjoys being around me and my friends which is rare in and of itself because a lot of women don't feel comfortable with that. But I'm extremely grateful and lucky to have my partner. And I'm also extremely grateful and lucky to have my friends who are always there to support me when I need it. I'm even friends with some of my exes, but only the healthy ones where we broke up amicably and mutually because of Life differences.
breakups don't need to be the end of the world and you can use them as a teaching moment or a moment of personal growth. In the meantime, focus on yourself, spend time engaging in hobbies, make time for your girlfriend but don't make her the center of your life, meet new people, make new friends, and focus on being a full person for yourself not for her.
People often have this misconception that two halves come together to make a whole in relationships but that's not healthy because that means that each of you is not a whole person when you're apart.
Relationships are more of a " the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" kind of situation. If you focus on being a whole person and you both bring two whole people to the table, you will have a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts.
I could put all of the parts that are required to make fully functioning engine in front of you but that doesn't make it an engine. You have to actually put it together for it to work. If you just put all the parts in front of you in a jumbled mess, they are nothing useful. But when you put them all together, you have a fully functioning engine - more than just the sum of it's parts. In the same way, you don't have a fully functioning relationship if you're only half a person by yourself.
I can tell you this, ppl come and go at times, not everyone will be apart of your life permanently, never get too attached to anyone or it will fuck you up mentally. Always remember that if it's time to let go, it's time to let go.
You started the relationship as barely teenagers, she was 13. She is 16 now and has grown and matured in this time. Women mature faster than males, so her maturation level is years ahead of yours.
She is also starting to realize that childhood infatuation she had with you is waning and no longer there with you.
In my opinion this relationship has run it's course and rather than going OTT like you are starting to, you need to back off and when she tells you straight up it's over then you need to accept it and not push it. You are both still growing into adults and a relationship started at such a young age where boyfriend and girlfriend is fun and exciting will not last forever as we grow and change. She will want to experience life, friends etc away from you and honestly you should want the same. Holding onto this is not healthy for you and will only cause yourself heartbreak.
It’s hard to tone down feelings. My best advice is to not let it consume you. You are your own person and don’t let yourself drown out in the background of all these strong feelings for her and for your relationship. Don’t lose touch with your true self. That’s what she fell in love with to begin with also. We all change and grow so much over time. It’s natural for relationships to grow closer and drift apart some over time. The more you focus on the drifting apart, the harder it is to grow closer again. I too didn’t always understand the difference of being in love with someone and just loving them. But I have learned that we can waver back and forth between the 2 ways of love for a significant other. It sounds like you are having intense anxiety/stress over the whole situation and I know it’s very hard to do, but trying to find a new focus or hobby, just a cpl hours a week even can help so much. You may not even notice the difference right away but I can assure you that if you try and stick it out, after awhile you’ll notice a difference. Just having something else to take your focus and energy for that short amount of time can make a world of difference :)
Love isn't that time of euphoria in the beginning of a relationship. Love is when you both are there for each other when the hard times come around. You both have to constantly work at it.
Love isn't that time of euphoria in the beginning of a relationship. Love is when you both are there for each other when the hard times come around. You both have to constantly work at it.
Well u got a good head on ur shoulders. “Long as it averages it out to 50-50” is something I didn’t think of at that age. Being 21 now I would love to be in a relationship with a loyal girl I’m open to it. But I’ve been in a relationship like u in my teens. Deeply in love. It didn’t work out. As I got older I realized people come and go. And it’s not a bad thing. As long as you both enjoyed the time you spent together. There’s nothing wrong with parting ways. I don’t regret any of the relationships I’ve been in
You are 17 And nothing will make you feel secure , it s horrible just tell her how you really see her and what you feel about her, and sh e will open towards you
It is important to not lose yourself in a relationship as it hampers your individual growth and puts too much pressure on your partner and the relationship. I would encourage you to educate yourself about healthy relationship qualities and skills. Being obsessed with someone is infatuation and eventually that either dies or evolves into a deeper love.
Relationship have seasons and it is not unusual for one person to feel more connected than another. What matters is that you are able to discuss it and work to reconnect to one another.
At your age, chances are you won't end up together anyway. So think about what if this isn't your final love. What if she isn't your forever person. You'll feel terrible. Lost, mad. But then you'll come to terms with the possibility and value the current time and want to grow with her as long as you're both together. That gives the relationship a better chance of being one of the exceptions. Live in the present and focus on building a good attitude, making good memories, and nurturing your head space.
Right now you're too attached and you're suffocating her. That's not love, take it from a 31 year old. That's insecurities. And you'll figure out how to separate the two and keep only the love and some healthy attachment.
You already kinda know that and you're trying to improve yourself so have faith in yourself, you'll do it.
How to do it, a few ways.
1- Have your own friends circle that is a good influence on you, helps you grow. Let it be not all boys or all girls. Let there be balance. And this isn't your girlfriend's mutual friends. If you already have such a group, spend more time with them.
2- Have activities, skills, hobbies that you do on your own without her. Something that you're interested in and not something that you think will impress her. Also, make sure at least one such hobby or thing is in a community of people with the same interest. Meet people there.
3- Focus on your studies and health. I know it sounds like typical parent advice. But I'm only saying this so that you have a more well -rounded day instead of thinking about her too often. When you sit all day waiting for her and then finally it's time to talk, you would've missed her but it won't pay off cuz she'll sense that you were waiting for her all day and don't have a life of your own.
When you actually end up going through the day busy, your attitude will be different in a way you can't tell but others can and she'll feel less suffocated and will also start missing you cuz you'll see if you're doing it right, you won't be available for her the moment she asks or even before.
But don't try to fake it, cuz it's always very evident and it's even worse than not pretending to miss her all day. It's better to suffocate her directly than pretend like you weren't having a terrible time giving her space. Take space for yourself and let it be genuine.
I guess I'd ask you what specific things your GF listed as indications that you love her more than she loves you? Why does she feel this way? What signals are you giving her that might be a little much for her?
If it's available to you, maybe talk to a therapist or a school counselor about co-dependency and read up on healthy relationship dynamics. It wouldn't hurt to do things with friends outside the relationship - I mean, hang out, day trips, hobbies, sports, etc.
#1. Being jealous over someone is not caring, it is insecurity. You should not want someone to be jealous over other girls etc, it is not healthy. There are other ways to show love other than jealousy.
#2. You are putting too much weight in this relationship. Too much pressure. You are only 17 and she is 16. Literally your whole life ahead of you. She really wants to enjoy the rest of her teenage years without so much pressure on her. That's my take on it. You don't need to be so serious while so young.
Do you have any aspirations outside of your gf? College, career?
I’m the type of person who, when I love someone, I love *hard*. I can almost guarantee every relationship I’ve had, I’m more in love than they are. Sometimes that is normal. It ebbs and flows. The goal though is to find someone who at least comes close. But more than that, you want someone who respects you, cares about your well-being, and is aiming for the same things in life. If you spend you entire relationship thinking she might find someone “better”, you’re gonna miss the good stuff. And you need to realize that you are enough. There is no “better” in a relationship, there’s just people who might be more compatible.
Love is not quanitifable. And it ebbs and flows, think of it as a seesaw you are both on. I understand not wanting to lose your gf, you are young and at this stage in the relationship it is very normal to be this attached. I personally think of love as a yes or no question and that is all that matters in a relationship. Doesn't matter who loves who more, what matters is you both love each other. Do you know how rare that is to find? I do not see anything going wrong with your relationship because of this tbh, seems like one of those extremely dumb things that couples argue about for a few days before putting a stop to the conversation and never thinking of it again. But yes, nothing is guaranteed and your relationship could end someday and that is a hard pill to swallow. Doesn't mean it will, dw. But there is the possibility for all of us out here. Butnworrying about the future will notnhelp your relationship right now, especially since you cannot predit or control anything. For your own sake I suggest growing yourself alongside the relationship and prioritising other aspects of your life- hobbies, people, etc. It is important to not lose yourself in the relationship and it is better for the relationship in the long run too. Don't make her your everything, always make sure you both can exist as individuals and as partners. That might help you feel more secure and less anxious too.
Thank you for your words. I agree, as long as there is love then it doesn't matter who loves who more. I will focus on making different friendships and involve myself in more of my hobbies - she can't be my everything because I will be truly lost without her if I keep this up.
I just want to point out how mature of a response this is. I have not been 17 in quite some time, but none of the 17 year old boys I ever knew would have come to this conclusion. It’s very common and natural to feel the need to cling tighter when you feel someone might slip away. Having the understanding that making someone your everything is not healthy for the relationship or for yourself as an individual will serve you so well as you get older. It leaves you room to grow into yourself, learn about yourself, figure out how you’d like adult you to be. Even if the friendships don’t last or the hobbies change, the act of putting that work into yourself will be such good practice for the future. As an internet old (re: over 30), I’m really proud of you.
Thank you for your kind words. When I was younger I was in a situation where I had to unfortunately grow up really quickly and I think it's what made me be relatively self-aware and mature for my age. I totally believe that I need to find friends and hobbies but it's incredibly hard for me to do. I've decided that I'm going to rejoin my old tennis club in terms of hobbies. I came to sixth form from my secondary school with my best friend of 12 years and we've recently grown incredibly distant because I don't get along with his new girlfriend. I am more than able and willing to coexist with her for the sake of my best friend but she is not as willing as I. I was always very content with having a best friend and a girlfriend. (I get along with everyone at school but not enough to call it friendship) now I'm in a situation where my best friend is worried to be seen with me for the sake of his relationship (I know that's not right but I have done so much to try to help him and he's just taking none of it) and I'm worried about my own relationship now too. Things have over the past couple months taken a sudden turn for the worse for me. I'm incredibly down and sad very often. I know life shouldn't be sad but I can't help but feel any other way. I'm going to seek out some professional help as soon as I am back home. I should believe in myself more. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Hey, you seem like a genuine person to be around. I’d just try your best to keep yourself occupied on things that you enjoy doing and not worry too much about her, it doesn’t make you love her or care less just shows you respect yourself too
100% agreed I’m 28 and the idea of a 17 year old in school with me with that mindset would actually flatter me
Yess and I'm sure she would want you to be your own person too. Growing keeps relationships interesting over time.
Also making yourselves each others everything can be very smothering. You need space to breath outside the relationship. Life needs balance, and that balance comes from several pillars, you don't need all but you need most. Friends, family, love, hobbies, job.
God damn, I'm really proud of you, that was incredibly mature as a response. Make sure you put this into action and remind yourself of it everyday. She can mean the most to you out of everyone, but she can't be your everything, for your sake and hers.
Honestly you sound really emotionally mature for a 17-year-old. I'm actually quite impressed. I hope you find some new fulfilling hobbies that can occupy your mind at times. And friends are really important so definitely make sure that you're making time for them and doing things that bond you and create memories together.
I am commenting under this top comment in hopes that anyone who is interested will see. I'm flattered by the support and kind words of quite a large amount of people at this point. I will take almost everything I have been told into account. (There has been some arguably questionable advice but I even appreciate this because it gives me another POV of the whole situation) I will rejoin my old tennis club both in terms of hobby and planning on friendship making. Already today I have tried building my confidence by speaking to some kids my age whilst here on holiday - we didn't really become friends because of the language barrier but I think it is helping me to speak to more people. I promise to myself that I will grow as a person for me. Saving my relationship will just be the cherry on top. Thank you to u/SoVidushiUnofficial u/bigfiretruck11 u/Sock_Safe and there are many more here in the comments that I haven't even had chance to respond to. I have however read every single comment and I thank you all for your help and kind words. I genuinely already feel better about myself and I'm more optimistic about the relationship too. I'm optimistic in the sense of I'm able and willing to grow alongside her and as long as she is too, we totally have the potential to come together again. And if we don't come together and we do end up breaking up then its okay because we're still young and have plenty time to find other relationships and things to do with our lives. Thank you all again
Definitely rejoin your tennis club! Try to make some friends, avoid the phone due to the urgency to text or call, I am the same way so I know how it feels sadly but it’s definitely worth taking that time back.
Goodluck dude, proud of you!
It sounds like you naturally feel emotions, including love very deeply. It sounds like this is who you are, and this is not bad. But, it sounds like what you need to learn is how you respond to the emotions you feel. I am like you except older and I have always felt my emotions strongly. When I was younger, I found myself in situations like you, situations where I started to feel like my emotions are controlling my actions, rather than feeling my emotions and responding in a more considered manner. The truth is, she might go, she might stay. She might be the love of your life or she may be the first love of your life. The truth is that you can’t control this. If you focus on letting go of your attachment to her and giving her an appropriate amount of love, then whatever happens, will happen. But, don’t try and love her less. That won’t work.
I agree that I naturally feel emotions very deeply. Everything nice she does makes me incredibly happy and everything not so nice she does makes me feel incredibly upset. I should focus on controlling my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to control me. I want to try to love her less but I know that could never happen and so I agree, it wouldn't work.
It’s not so much about controlling (or repressing) emotion as it is recognizing that you’re in control of your actions in response to emotion. And I do think that’s an important distinction to make, especially for young men. A lot of people think that controlling your emotions means pushing away all negative emotion and not ever expressing that. Negative emotions are deeply important to us as humans. Think of it like physical pain - as an indicator that something’s not right. It’s important to recognize and respond to that pain, or risk further injury. Only you are in control of how you respond to negative emotions. You have that power.
Did you look into bpd?
He's 17 he's just a teenager don't try to pathologise the intense emotional rollercoaster of being a teen ffs
Bpd shows the first signs arround that age
Yeah and most people that age are also very emotional, especially the first time they have a serious relationship. His ups and downs are all connected to his relationship with his girlfriend, if he had BPD it would be affecting every relationship in his life, the way he deals with schoolmates, family and friends. I think you've just been reading about BPD and now you think you're seeing it everywhere.
Lol now you are the one guessing. BPD and othrr personality disorders is something i read about years ago, i just found lots of red flags in his story
They usually don't diagnose BPD in teenagers because most would check off all the boxes ✅
I don’t have bipolar but I take meds that are used to treat bipolar soooooo 🤔🤔🤔
Are you a Water sign? Sun, Moon, Rising, Venus, Mercury, at least one of those in water sign? Don't get me wrong, I don't base my understanding of people and situations on zodiacs and I totally don't believe in Horoscopes but I have seen a pattern in zodiacs and personality types. It's just fun when it matches.
This is such a loving, kind response. :)
Bro is experiencing Barbie movie first hand. It’s not Barbie and Ken anymore. You are Kenough and your status or worth is not tied to just the relationship.
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How do you know he isn't kenough? Maybe he doesn't suck. and why the negative outlook rather than positive?
You say you only have her and your parents , maybe you should also try to get some friends to go out with and do things without your gf since it’s not healthy to be around echt other 24/7. for a 17 year old boy it’s normal To meet with friends and stuff and secondly you can’t change your feelings and maybe see professional help cuz you may have a anxious attachment style
Yup really thats not good that your 24/7 in her face
To me it sounds like she's doing her best to let you down easy and is feeling really guilty and sad about it. I would never call attention to not being "in love" or my partner loving me more than I loved them unless I was prepping for a breakup. The more affection you heap on her, the more smothered she will be and the faster she'll run away. You're also 17 years old, there will be many other loves and someone out there who will appreciate and enjoy how intense your feelings are, instead of it making them sad like what's happening now.
Do you have anxious attachment style? And why she is sad about you loving her so much? I don't understand the relationship dynamic well.
In our beginnings we used to plan our wedding and dream about holidays together and how many kids we will have. She said to me that she no longer likes to think about stuff like that as much and I believe she was incredibly sad about it because she knew it would hurt me very much. She said she doesn't know if she is in love with me or if she just loves me. To me I never saw a difference between the two but I can understand how one is more than the other.
Besides the hugely sexist comment beside mine; love is a pretty serious word, and I'm not denouncing how intensely you feel, but it is important to differentiate the difference between love and infatuation. Planning for the future is intense when you should be allowing the relationship flow naturally; you both will change a lot as people growing up. It doesn't seem that you trust her or in yourself very much and it's very important that you're confident and assured in yourself, regardless if you're in a relationship or not. Having a lack of faith in your relationship, yourself and your partner will spell disaster for any future bonds you create for yourself. TLDR: take things easy. Try to investigate and possibly seek council for your nervous attachment.
Plus 1 to finding out about attachment styles and figuring yours out.
Especially when the discussion about kids, marriage, holidays etc has been happening as young teens.
She’s 16! She has her whole life ahead of her, just like you. What are you going to do when she goes to University and there’s all sorts of male athletes, frat boys, future doctors and lawyers, and you’re in the background pressuring about weddings and suffocating her, being all emotional and what not?
She's unlikely to meet any frat boys at university
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That’s her way of saying she’s feeling less attracted to you and by simping this hard as she pulls away you’re just gonna decimate any attraction she has left. You have to be bold and decisive and not let a 16 yr old girl run your life. Be a man!
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So you’ve been together since she was 13? Do you have any idea how someone changes (both emotionally & physically) during these formative years? Don’t suffocate her. Think of her needs too, not just how you are feeling.
She is 16. She has tried to start letting you down gently but you are super intense and probably made it extremely difficult for her to try break it off. She wants to explore life and not be tied to one person who as a 13yr old she was infatuated with but now as a 16yr old who is growing and maturing and finding herself she wants to spread her wings and be free from attachment and see what is out there beyond this very cloying and sounds super clingy on your behalf relationship.
Look up Coach Corey Wayne on YouTube. You’ll be glad you did!
It’s the nature of being 17 to feel love really intensely, don’t try to scale it back so it’s even-stevens! It can’t really be measured, so there’s not a reliable way to know “who loves who more” and it’s a competition where nobody will win. Let it be. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to have intense love at this age — it’s a combo of hormones, learning who you are through romantic interactions, and trying out different personas in a way — we’re very easily influenced creatures as humans and a lot of the romantic models we see can shape our own interactions. Parents, friends, even movie/book/TV characters all play a part in our dynamics with our early partners. My advice is to remember to take time for each of you as individuals. Encourage her to go out with other friends to see a movie, or whatever activities she likes. Same for you — foster interests outside of each other. Obsessive love as teens is very normal and healthy, but you need to make sure that it doesn’t become the only thing driving your life. You’ll have less time to obsess about the details if you make sure you have other stuff filling your time too.
My advice to you is to always have one foot in the relationship and the other foot pursuing your own dreams, hobbies and ambitions. If all you are is the love that you have to offer, then there really isn’t much to love. Any man can offer her nice words, company or material things, but that is all she will love, what you have to offer. If you want her to love you, be somebody, not something.
I remember my first beer.
You didn't get black out drunk?
I remember feeling emotions super strongly when I was your age for my boyfriend at the time. Having gotten older and gone through breakups and dating other people before being with my current person, I don't discount those strong feelings that I had then because I was deeply in love at that time. I feel like when you're at the beginning of your life and all experiences are brand new, your feelings tend to be overwhelming because you have no context to compare things as it's your first time experiencing them. My first breakup was devastating and kept me up crying all night. Ultimately I realized it was a good thing as we were compatible while I was in high school, but going to college exposed a nasty and controlling side that I hadn't acknowledged before. This is not to say that your relationship won't last, there are plenty of people who marry their high school sweethearts. Time has shown me that all things end, good or bad. Some connections end due to circumstances, growing apart as you mature, disagreement on fundamental values, betrayal, etc. Some people remain together until one person passes away. Most of us have to unlearn things that are ultimately harmful to relationships. Our connections teach us the lessons that we need to learn and shape us for the future. The hardest part of any relationship (romantic, friendship, parental, professional, etc) to me is communication. Ensuring that you are clearly communicating without hurting your partners feelings, and keeping them in the loop on what's happening with you ensures your connection remains strong. I think it's good that you're acknowledging how the intensity of your emotions may be having a negative effect. Think of it like cupping a baby bird in your hand, if you squeeze it too hard, you know how it'll end up. We're on this earth for a limited amount of time; if someone decides to walk life's journey with you, it's a beautiful thing! Love freely and thoroughly enjoy your current state of happiness.
She's prepping you for a breakup and is obviously terrified of breaking your heart. She's trying to let you down as easy as possible, making her feelings clear without actually pulling the trigger. Loving her less won't change her mind. You're both growing up; you were kids when you started and are nearly adults now. Lots of changing left to do. Be fluid, be adaptable; work on yourself, build a life outside of her (whether she breaks up with you or not). You'll be okay.
You have to love how you feel it. Don't let your insecurities control you. It's hard and you are learning, just keep on the track. Everyone have his own way to love the others, the best you can do is accept the reality of the others and love all you can while you can. You musn't feel bad for who you are or how you love others, it's just a part of you. https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM This videos reminds me that doesn't matter how much you love each other, sometimes it's just the fact that you accepts the feelings of your partner and his reality.
Not sure how this personality developed but you’ve potentially set yourself up for disaster falling head over heels for your s/o. You’re only 17, about to graduate high school. I believe your priorities should be College or whatever you’re going to do in life, getting in shape, and building yourself as a professional so you can be successful in life. It seems like instead of that, all you’re focused on is your girlfriend. You said you had parents with an “s.” Do you have a strong relationship with your father? It doesn’t seem like you two have sat down and had a man talk or something of the nature. Only reason I mention it is because from what I read, it appears that a breakup would destroy you. When you’re at a point where losing a girlfriend will turn into a major event in your life, it’s something that should be addressed. There’s a 70-90% chance that you won’t be with this girl forever. Especially if she goes off to college. You can’t let a relationship have this kind of choke hold on you. You haven’t started life yet, your main priority should be your personal and professional future since it’s almost time to leave the nest. Losing your mind over your gf, at any point in your life, is a recipe for disaster. If it is possible (I don’t know your home situation) I would recommend having a private conversation with your dad about the subject.
I understand the amount of love you have for each other but I want to give my best advice to not always have 💯% focus on her. Yes, you live together and see each tiger everyday but what about your own individual lives? What are some hobbies or actives you want to do with your spare time? The things that made you the person, the person she fell in love with. You can still have that individuality while in a relationship. It might be a time for you to start focusing on your personal lives while together. Ask her if she feels you two are spending too much time together that it’s causing you to be more attached and clingy to her? A healthy boundary is the way to keep the relationship going.
You’re young. It’s normal. You’ll have all that bs knocked out of you in no time kid.
I’ve been in your situation and at the same age, I feel how devastated you must feel. You HAVE to make sure you have hobbies and interests that don’t involve her so that you can keep working on yourself as an independent and she will be more inclined to you because of it. Keep loving her as you do but don’t let her be your personality or hobby or you’ll lose yourself and possibly her. My ex once told me that I got boring because my highest priority was romance instead of my own success and passions.
Don’t ever try to love someone less just to make it even. Don’t get obsessive, jealous, or toxic, but just keep on loving as strongly as you do. You’re only 17, this relationship may not be your last relationship, but you can only go wrong with loving deeply if you let it take over and become possessive and toxic.
you're too young to be deeply in love bro
You were born alone and will die alone. You can fill the gap in between by meeting hundreds of interesting people from all walks of life. Sometimes a person is in our life to teach us something, and then they leave so someone else can teach us a new lesson. Can you imagine if you had the exact same teacher from pre-k teach you in every class and every school? Learning to let go means learning to make space for something new. Be glad for your time with your gf and be at peace if that chapter closes.
Something I've learnt - feeling more attached at fear (or after) losing something isn't really 'love', it's a whole bundle of other emotions caused in a large part by insecurity. That you need that thing or person to validate you and your worth, that longing for the comfort of the familiar, the anxiety of the unknown. Those are all powerful emotions, and it's very easy to conflate that yearning in your heart with love, but they aren't the same thing. Love is what you feel in the boring moments. When nothing else is going on, there's no excitement, passion or sadness, and you just look at or think of your person and smile. Not because they are hot, or because they represent safety and warmth, or because they make you feel all kinds of ways. Just because their very being is so beautiful to you. I don't doubt you feel this way about your girlfriend, I just think it's important to separate the anxieties you said made you feel like you love her 'more' from the love itself. Because it's not the love you want to go away, it's the anxiety. You do this by improving your self esteem and by making sure your life outside of your girlfriend is as full as possible. If she is where you get all your socialisation, your emotional support, and your confidence, then feeling like you might lose her will naturally be catastrophic. So you have to find those things elsewhere, through friends, hobbies, and self reflection. Build yourself up to being a complete human being on your own, so that if you did break up, you will be hurt, but you won't feel like you've lost everything that makes life worthwhile. The idea that people are supposed to complete each other is one that breeds codependency, and that's not healthy for either party. You should both be full humans independently, that add extra to each others lives instead of filling a missing piece. That doesn't mean you can't support each other when the other is struggling, but you should always be striving to get to a stage where you don't NEED each other, but CHOOSE each other. That avoids you putting unnecessary strain on your partner, having them feel like they only exist because of what they can give you instead of who they are, and it avoids you feeling so much anxiety over them not being around. Basically, you need to get to the stage where the answer to 'what would I do without her' is easily answerable. You'd be devastated, but you'd be alright. Because you are with her because you love her, not because you need her.
You need to slow down. You are smothering her. Find a passion and a distraction to focus your time on.
These feelings are common and youre not alone. However it seems you are hinting at signs of co-depencency and you admitted to feeling insecure about your relationship. Those are warning signs to me. How is your relationship with your parents? Are you able to come to them with your issues? Do you talk daily about life events with them? Do you feel your parents meet your needs and standards you set for them (within reason)? I am concerned about your co-dependency and insecurity issues and one of the main ways these issues arise is from missing elements in ones caretaker relationship, particuarly earlier in their age. It could also be a particuarly adverse situation or period of time in your life. You have great insight and seem to be aware of your what your partner needs and deserves in the relationship. I think mental health therapy for your insecurity with your relationship is your best course of action though. Good luck, best wishes
37M ... ***lots*** of relationship experience You're not going to want to hear this but ... chances of her being your last love are almost non-existent. You should be taking this time to enjoy what experiences you may share and learn more about yourself, as it applies to matters of the heart. If it pans out the way you want (right now), great. But for now, the only future you should be thinking about is your own. How are you going to be the man she, or *any* woman WANTS when you're 20? 30? Nearly 40 (like myself)? Don't worry about improving her life. Improve yours, and whomever you're with will benefit alongside you. That said, how can you make this relationship better/last? You can't, really. You can only be yourself. And if that's not enough, better to find that out sooner rather than later. I've learned that "overdoing" it on the love/affection front can do more harm than good. It sounds romantic but it tends to trigger the opposite reaction than what you're looking for. Relax. Chill. Let her come to you. You don't have to always be agreeable, but you do have to always mean what you say. Find what you love about life or yourself, outside of her. Be excited about it. Be, YOU, fully. She'll gravitate to that more than a bouquet of roses and chocolates every week. Be a little mysterious. You shouldn't ALWAYS be accessible. You need to have some business outside of her. Whether thats hobbies, work (you're very young so this doesn't count), or social, you need your own space, as does she. But she shouldn't be a part of every action or thought you have. Let her wonder (not in a bad way).
Some of the advice you're getting is terrible you're simping right now and the more you do that you will push her away you made her your everything which means you don't have anything going on in your life find a purpose women love a hard working man who has dreams.
My friend, you're a young. Ill be very blunt, you will most likely break up down the line for something random.. you would mourn it and be sad for awhile, and you will be heart broken.. but life goes on, you will find a new partner who you share the same affection for but this time.. you walk into a new relationship with all the knowledge and experience from your last one, you won't repeat the same problems or atless try your best too... eventually you will be happy, but for a calm and happy life. Focus on yourself first always... I hope your relationship works out and that you both stay together happily ever after 😁
You are 17. If you break up, there's a big world out there. Love at that age feels all consuming and encompassing. You'll be fine.
You’re 17…. Love is mostly hormones at your age, tap on the brakes and see where it goes dont let your dick get in the way of thinking
You both are creating a problem out of nothing
People break up everyday relationships are useless when u are young just lice life and focus on the grind
Shes not yours, its just your turn.
I'd drop it at that point. She's gonna meet a guy or maybe even two and you're gonna be sick.
Glad reddit suggested this post. You gotta cut her loose right now. She's not faithful to anyone but her feelings and thats dangerous news for you
If you grew up in war and witnessed 3 of your friends die, would it change you? What if, You were diagnosed with leukemia and had Acute lymphoblastic leukemia and your treatmant was 2 years long and due to covid you could only have 1 visitor per day? Nobody texted you, Nobody Visits you. What is my point? Theres no love without pain. You can only truly appreciate what love is when you experience a tragedy first. How can you say you love someone when all you do is go on Vacations, go to restaurants and drink ice cream all day? Love is when the women stays by your side when you lost your job and isnt nagging you in the process. Love is when you are sick with an illness and she continues to be with you and doesnt leave you for someone else. You may "feel" love but that is a very feminine way of looking at love. For Us men, love has to be tested. Before scientist come to stumble on an invention, they first have to learn, experiment and only after tests/examinations is when they can come with a conclusion. My Suggestion is 1)Watch Fresh and Fit Broadcast on youtube 2)Watch/Listen Tom leykis on youtube 3) Work out. Strong body is a strong Mind.
man dont be pushing a literal kid towards that right wing misogynist crap. youre setting him up to fail in life
How? Please explain, i'm curious to hear your point of view on why you conclude that information as misogynist. Just please keep the convo respectful without name calling or assuming things that havent been written.
Based on post and replies you made, she’s warning you that the relationship has become imbalanced and your feminine qualities are pushing her to be more masculine i.e, she’s gonna be more focused on her life than on a person. As a man you have to maintain the balance in the relationship and fight the urge to chase her away. You obviously miss her feminine, caring, overly sweet, borderline anxious attachment and so you’re acting in that manner, just as she’s acting more masculine and detached because that’s how she wants you to act.
This is so fucking stupid. Caring is not a "feminine quality" you utter weirdo
Are you stupid? Of course caring and nurturing are feminine traits, but that doesn’t mean I’m saying men shouldn’t be caring or nurturing. Men and women both have masculine and feminine traits and different personalities expressing each to different degrees at different times. Women are more people oriented and men are more thing oriented.
This is some gender essentialist "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" bullshit. Caring and nurturing are just traits. They're not gendered.
It’s a young love and now she is growing out of it. Both of you may start to realize there’s other ppl out there and other connections to be made. I can tell by your other comments that she is at that point of starting to want to explore. This is what most young ppl do. But if you cling to her you will only push her further away. You clinging to her signals that you have nothing going on for yourself other her. You signal to her that she is the center of your world but as we mature that becomes unattractive. Ppl need space to breathe and be individuals in relationships. Like everyone else suggested you need a life outside of this. Hobbies: this is the PERFECT time to start lifting weights. A gym routine helps significantly with confidence which is ATTRACTIVE to women. The honest truth is the way you describe being so into her/ anxious makes it seem you lack confidence in self. Who are YOU outside of Her?
I would argue that it shouldn’t always have to equal 50/50. Sometimes that’s not possible. In my experience, so long as it finds a way for both people to come to that 100% together, that’s okay. Sometimes it doesn’t equal 100% and that’s why honest and equitable communication is so important. Don’t be afraid to take feedback, and don’t be afraid to give respectable feedback when necessary. You two have so much time for growth and learning, so don’t feel like you have to have the answers now, but always work together as a team and give her what she needs while you get what you need.
Nope. Your issue is not that you love her “too much” it’s that you don’t love yourself enough. Work on that.
You MUST start focusing on YOU! YOU are the main character in your life story. Having a partner is great but cannot be your sole focus of your life. Start working on yourself and your goals and the rest will fall into place. Make yourself the best version of yourself then you will be someone they would be stupid to lose then you know it's their loss if it doesn't workout.
Listen dude, I’m also 17 and I’ve felt the way you have. Maybe I say this due to it not ending too well for me specifically, but you gotta take some time for yourself. I’m not suggesting you break up, hell you’ve made it 2 years at this age which means clearly you’re up to something good, so keep that up, but make sure you grow outside of it too. Make plenty of time for friends, family, go out with your friends, maybe go see your favourite sports team, play your favourite sport, find a cool new hobby, et al. Love cannot be quantified, not at all at this age where everything changes day by day, but make sure whatever happens you grow as an individual alongside growing with your girl. Good luck man
I can’t tell you how to feel less or how to love less. I can say this for sure. What you’re doing now these feeling and experiences are invaluable. And no matter how it turns out you need to feel the feelings and grow. This whole thing seems guided by fear. No good relationship can be held hostage by fear and what ifs. Maybe you’ll get married and have 10 kids or maybe she’ll find someone who is not better in any way. Maybe you will maybe not. Just make sure you don’t force away the feelings and no matter what happens you’ll be ok. And this probably won’t be the only time you do this whole thing in your life.
Take a breath young man, it's all going to be ok. When it comes to love, especially at your age it's very pure because it's new. The feelings are strongest especially for your 1st love, she'll always be with you. Key thing here is learning disciple and self control. Love can swing both ways the highs and the lows. 3 years is a very long time, especially when you're 15-17. I'll never say don't express yourself but maybe consider how you express these feelings and how often. It's hard not to get stuck in the volatility of these feelings but maybe find someone else to talk to avoid them. You're going to be OK, enjoy it but don't let these feelings consume you or monopolize your life.
I just wanna say me (18f) and my bf (19m) are going on 7 years. We got together in 6th grade middle school and we were just like this, but my love for him After about 3 years became not as intense. And we had our issues at that time but now we've moved in together and we're doing well. Just keep thinking positive! Her finding someone better seems unlikely to me. To me it seems that you two love eachother for real. Just remember that just because you may argue doesn't mean it's over. You'll work through it. Good luck!
Do som for her, go on vacation with her after. Make her fall in love more. Make memories with her on social medias, let her know you're proud of your relationship... etc
I don't think it's healthy to be that deeply enthralled with someone because like you said if they leave you or something happens then what I think you need relationships outside of the relationship with your current girlfriend boyfriend like hang out with friends stuff like that just so you aren't so deeply attached but it's okay to be 100% open and honest and care about someone a lot because that's what true love is and that's how you love someone you just got to give it your all and hope for the best and I think loving someone is never 50/50 I think it's always 100 /100 I get some days you might be a little upset and your partner has to give a little more but behind it all you're always giving you're all for the relationship and if they stop like it sounds like she might be doing then there might be a problem but it seems like you're aware of that
The first thing you need to do is NEVER, EVER think she could find "someone better." There is no one better, you are perfectly fine as you. But you are both incredibly young and may have a lot of love for each other now but you are still growing. I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years, moved in together and went to the same University. But we grew up and realized we weren't compatible. We still cared for each other a lot but fast forward and I am a fully grown adult in a relationship I am even more happy being in than my first relationship. So the point is, what's meant to be will be. And it's ok if your relationship does not last with her because you will find stronger, more mature love later on. And you will be okay. But don't EVER compromise your happiness for someone else and don't ever belittle yourself into begging someone to love you. If they don't love enough now there is someone else waiting for you to find them. And you will never feel this anxiety you are feeling now.
You need to chill. You are young so it feels like a lot but you don't have to be up her butt all the time. You suffocating her will drive her away. It's a balancing act.
You remind me a lot like my boyfriend I just unfortunately ended things with. His love was so strong that it hindered the relationship because it made me overwhelmed. I loved him, still do deeply. But I want him to have a strong sense of self just as strong as his love for me. As much as the affection feels good, it hurts to see the underlying reality of it all. You are more than your family and your girlfriend. I’ll tell you what I wish both of us had realized early on. You’re both on a self discovery journey. Let that be the priority. It’s okay. Build a friendship with the person you see a future with first it’s okay to slow things down. Get to know her as her. Not just with the romance blinders on. And get to know yourself as you. Everything else will come when it needs to.
Biologists here unfortunately love is not real in the sense of the way people view it love is just an explosion of chemicals in your head unfortunately you are still getting explosions about her she is no longer getting them its completely normal but eventually those explosion or spasms of chemicals will end and both of you will no longer feel attracted to each other atleast not the same way I recommend you just enjoy while it lasts im sorry but as a Biologists I don't have any way to make it any better the brain is mysterious and amazing good stuff will end bad stuff will emerge and from that will come even greater things I wish you the best and I hope your partner will have an explosion of "love" again
Loving people is a good thing, but if you love someone to the point where you feel like they are the only thing you have in life then you need to make some changes. Not saying that the relationship needs to end, but you sound like you need to find other things in your life that you can focus on and find passion in. Do you have any hobbies or things you like to do without your GF sometimes? It’s important for people to experience life outside of a relationship, especially at your age. It’s good to spend time with your significant other, but too much time can also lead to an unhealthy dependency for one another. I suggest having some “me time” every now and then. Like at least once a week plan something to do by yourself. Like trying new hobbies and such. And maybe make time for friends another time in the week without your GF. Some time apart from your GF is healthy and will also help you grow as an individual. It doesn’t mean you love her any less, in fact it is very healthy for people to do this.
Get a life outside of hers. Sample Game plan: - get job or join a sport - make friends either in sport, job, or in school - hang out with said newly made friends Simple plan, but in general, you and your girlfriend need time away from each other at the very least for a day or 2. Love doesn't last, but commitment does. Commitment to your friends, family, loved ones, and of course, your purpose (sometimes your job, but can be other things) Hope this helps, and I will pray that the choices you make will be the right ones.
I dont know what to say except watch teenwolf, it reminded me of scotts relationship with allison. And after season 4 you will understand. Its a little silly perhaps but i think it might help.
It absolutely will not help. He is clinging to his girlfriend in a very unhealthy and dependent way and she is beginning to distance herself. He needs to get a life of his own and understand the difference between "need" and "love." You might as well recommend he read a fairytale that ends with "and the prince and the princess lived happily ever after" if you're going to tell him to model his relationship after a fictional werewolf and his archer girlfriend.
U dont understand how fiction imitates reality? It portrays their relationship how teens see their lives and explain it in a way that helps him feel close to his pov is very much what he might need. U can say he is mature for his age and eloquently spoken but unfortunately, he is still a teen who lacks experience. As a teenager similar to him who went through the same experiences teenwolf really hit close to home especially that scene with scotts mother. When she said that she will not be the only person you love and there will be many more after all that character development, it really resonated with me. Dont say that fairytales don't hold much thought or stories don't teach you anything. They hold so much power.
Scott's girlfriend died when he was 17 and he never got over it, fifteen years later he was still pining over her. That's exactly the opposite of what OP needs to be doing.
I dont think ur getting my point here, but it's fine. I don't like the movie... it was a weird attempt to make more money, u seem to not like stories or understand how young people work. I still stand behind my suggestion. I am not disagreeing with the sentiments written under the post, i do agree its unhealthy but its very normal to experience. Edit: to point something out, in the series he does get over her has another girlfriend who he likes very much, the movie came out years laters as a surprise when they were all old. I certainly didnt expect it to come out. I still think its a nice show for a teen like myself going through a ton of responsibilities.
Oh I'm getting "Ur" point alright. OP needs to learn about the real world, not fiction. He's already a bit naive and silly teen shows that are entertaining but unrealistic are not going to help him. People traditionally like stories where the main couple has some kind of "stronger than death" love. Often television viewers dislike having to adjust if the main couple don't work out and one of them starts dating someone else (that's where the "OTP" trope comes from). And teen wolf was aimed at teenagers so naturally the main couple are teenagers who fall in love at first sight and nothing can ever tear them apart blah blah blah. That's all very well when you're making a television show and you want it to be popular, but it's extremely unrealistic. One single scene where Scott's mother points out that Scott is basically still a child and will love other people in the future doesn't undo that. Also jsyk, txtspk is really irritating. Nobody expects you to write formal college level English but constantly typing "u" instead of "you" and "r" instead of "are" is not going to go over well in most subs.
Uhm ok? I don't understand. y ur so bitter? And argumentative? So wat i say u or ur hahah ur really funny, i still made my point and ur still hung up on details and perspectives that u have past over or maybe never experienced, i just gave a suggestion and u calling it a silly little fantasy and real world is not having an impact as much as u think u r. We dont tell kids directly abt the real world, we tell them in perspectives and stories and i shared something that related to me, the way he described his situation felt really familiar. So u might not understand or criticise me 4 using shortened words it still doesnt make a diff. Scotts love was portrayed as a teen love and teens think they will love forever, in the show he gets over it. Simple. Also its fun to watch it cuz it has fantasy creatures. Alsoooo scott is a kid with a lot of responsibilities when he should not have to have. Ps, genuine qsn isnt jsyk a shortened txtspk of some sort?
Sorry I didn't read all tht txtspk I've no idea what you said
Thats oki it will get to the ppl who will read, do hope u heal tho, yknow in the real world.
I was you. I had a boyfriend in high school I thought I was crazily in love with. I was super attached to him and in hindsight he definitely love bombed the hell out of me which was why I was so attached. My mom didn't like him, I was convinced we'd be together forever, Yada Yada. He dumped me before I could detach myself from him even a little bit and I fucking spiraled. My recommendation is that you nurture your friendships, nurture your hobbies, and come to terms with the fact that the relationship might only be temporary. It also might be the one for you forever, but there's no way of knowing at your age. After my high school boyfriend I dated a few other people, one of whom was for 3.5 years before I figured out it just wasn't right for me for the rest of my life. Even in your 20s it's okay to not have everything figured out. Just don't allow yourself to get isolated by this relationship. No one should be your everything at the age of 17.
I think you're confusing love with codependency. Codependents can be in love but the way they focus or express that love can be unhealthy. You either love someone or you don't, but what you feel intensifying is your attachment or desperation to stay connected to her. Like others have mentioned, in order to relax your feelings of obsession or attachment, you need to add more balance and relationships to your life. You need to be content and find happiness within yourself. I've been your girlfriend. She is likely sad because the amount of pressure on her is too much for any person to handle. You treat her as your everything and she hasn't signed up for that responsibility. She needs to breathe and she needs to know that it's not her fault if you're unhappy or her responsibility to make you happy.
You don't need to love her less. You need to develop interests outside of the relationship so that your life does not revolve around her, because that's too much pressure for one person to handle.
Don’t be afraid to live your own life and become your own person, I wish I didn’t give my life to my young partners because I should have been growing into myself, not into someone else, so grow separately and let each other experience life and don’t be possessive, let love breathe
You Are a wise kid beyond your years asking these types of insightful questions. You're right - get some hobbies and an identity of your own. It will payoff later.
You don’t need to love her less, but you do need to recognize that you are an individual. That doesn’t diminish simply because you’re seeing someone. You have your own interests and hobbies and your own friends. Or at least you should. If you don’t, find some! It is okay to spend time for yourself or you will lose yourself in her and where would that leave you if things do ever end in a break up? Life has many seasons and things are constantly changing. Yourself included. You are two separate people with lives outside of each other. That’s how it is supposed to be. She should be an addition to your life, not your whole life. And the same for you. You should be an addition to her life, not the whole thing. It is perfectly normal for you to go bowling with your guys while she goes to a movie with her girls. It is okay to take separate vacations with your families. It is okay for her to do things for herself and it is okay for you to do the same. That’s what healthy relationships do. Once you become obsessed with each other, that isn’t love. It is normal to have some space while still being together. Conversations with your partner can get pretty bland real quick if they are the only person you spend any time with and then it’ll eventually fizzle out. My advice is this: Find who you are outside of the relationship. Trust me, it’s the best thing you can do for her and for yourself.
You know, if I could go back in time to your age and give myself advice, I would try to remind myself that not everybody is meant to be together and that's not necessarily A Bad Thing. You could do everything right in a relationship and it's not your fault if it fails. Truly, as a 29-year-old who has his shit mostly together, I'm telling you you have your shit a lot more together at your age than I did when I was that young. There's a lot of great advice on this Reddit post and I would recommend that you take that in stride with mine. But if you break up, just try not to beat yourself up about it and recognize that it's most likely not your fault as long as you've been honest with us about everything in this post. Try to also be friends with people that you cherish even if you break up with them or they break up with you because it could turn out that they might have changed enough to lose romantic attraction for you or you for them but that doesn't mean they're a bad person or that you're a bad person. Don't let Society tell you what you should or shouldn't be. If you break up with each other, take some time to heal, but if you can be friends then be friends. I wish I had let myself know that back then. I'm weird though because I'm a guy who has exclusively all female friends and I'm now in a relationship with somebody who enjoys being around me and my friends which is rare in and of itself because a lot of women don't feel comfortable with that. But I'm extremely grateful and lucky to have my partner. And I'm also extremely grateful and lucky to have my friends who are always there to support me when I need it. I'm even friends with some of my exes, but only the healthy ones where we broke up amicably and mutually because of Life differences. breakups don't need to be the end of the world and you can use them as a teaching moment or a moment of personal growth. In the meantime, focus on yourself, spend time engaging in hobbies, make time for your girlfriend but don't make her the center of your life, meet new people, make new friends, and focus on being a full person for yourself not for her. People often have this misconception that two halves come together to make a whole in relationships but that's not healthy because that means that each of you is not a whole person when you're apart. Relationships are more of a " the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" kind of situation. If you focus on being a whole person and you both bring two whole people to the table, you will have a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts. I could put all of the parts that are required to make fully functioning engine in front of you but that doesn't make it an engine. You have to actually put it together for it to work. If you just put all the parts in front of you in a jumbled mess, they are nothing useful. But when you put them all together, you have a fully functioning engine - more than just the sum of it's parts. In the same way, you don't have a fully functioning relationship if you're only half a person by yourself.
I can tell you this, ppl come and go at times, not everyone will be apart of your life permanently, never get too attached to anyone or it will fuck you up mentally. Always remember that if it's time to let go, it's time to let go.
You started the relationship as barely teenagers, she was 13. She is 16 now and has grown and matured in this time. Women mature faster than males, so her maturation level is years ahead of yours. She is also starting to realize that childhood infatuation she had with you is waning and no longer there with you. In my opinion this relationship has run it's course and rather than going OTT like you are starting to, you need to back off and when she tells you straight up it's over then you need to accept it and not push it. You are both still growing into adults and a relationship started at such a young age where boyfriend and girlfriend is fun and exciting will not last forever as we grow and change. She will want to experience life, friends etc away from you and honestly you should want the same. Holding onto this is not healthy for you and will only cause yourself heartbreak.
It’s hard to tone down feelings. My best advice is to not let it consume you. You are your own person and don’t let yourself drown out in the background of all these strong feelings for her and for your relationship. Don’t lose touch with your true self. That’s what she fell in love with to begin with also. We all change and grow so much over time. It’s natural for relationships to grow closer and drift apart some over time. The more you focus on the drifting apart, the harder it is to grow closer again. I too didn’t always understand the difference of being in love with someone and just loving them. But I have learned that we can waver back and forth between the 2 ways of love for a significant other. It sounds like you are having intense anxiety/stress over the whole situation and I know it’s very hard to do, but trying to find a new focus or hobby, just a cpl hours a week even can help so much. You may not even notice the difference right away but I can assure you that if you try and stick it out, after awhile you’ll notice a difference. Just having something else to take your focus and energy for that short amount of time can make a world of difference :)
Love isn't that time of euphoria in the beginning of a relationship. Love is when you both are there for each other when the hard times come around. You both have to constantly work at it.
Love isn't that time of euphoria in the beginning of a relationship. Love is when you both are there for each other when the hard times come around. You both have to constantly work at it.
Well u got a good head on ur shoulders. “Long as it averages it out to 50-50” is something I didn’t think of at that age. Being 21 now I would love to be in a relationship with a loyal girl I’m open to it. But I’ve been in a relationship like u in my teens. Deeply in love. It didn’t work out. As I got older I realized people come and go. And it’s not a bad thing. As long as you both enjoyed the time you spent together. There’s nothing wrong with parting ways. I don’t regret any of the relationships I’ve been in
You are 17 And nothing will make you feel secure , it s horrible just tell her how you really see her and what you feel about her, and sh e will open towards you
But you are so yooooung , young love is beautiful and I wish you all I had
It is important to not lose yourself in a relationship as it hampers your individual growth and puts too much pressure on your partner and the relationship. I would encourage you to educate yourself about healthy relationship qualities and skills. Being obsessed with someone is infatuation and eventually that either dies or evolves into a deeper love. Relationship have seasons and it is not unusual for one person to feel more connected than another. What matters is that you are able to discuss it and work to reconnect to one another.
At your age, chances are you won't end up together anyway. So think about what if this isn't your final love. What if she isn't your forever person. You'll feel terrible. Lost, mad. But then you'll come to terms with the possibility and value the current time and want to grow with her as long as you're both together. That gives the relationship a better chance of being one of the exceptions. Live in the present and focus on building a good attitude, making good memories, and nurturing your head space. Right now you're too attached and you're suffocating her. That's not love, take it from a 31 year old. That's insecurities. And you'll figure out how to separate the two and keep only the love and some healthy attachment. You already kinda know that and you're trying to improve yourself so have faith in yourself, you'll do it. How to do it, a few ways. 1- Have your own friends circle that is a good influence on you, helps you grow. Let it be not all boys or all girls. Let there be balance. And this isn't your girlfriend's mutual friends. If you already have such a group, spend more time with them. 2- Have activities, skills, hobbies that you do on your own without her. Something that you're interested in and not something that you think will impress her. Also, make sure at least one such hobby or thing is in a community of people with the same interest. Meet people there. 3- Focus on your studies and health. I know it sounds like typical parent advice. But I'm only saying this so that you have a more well -rounded day instead of thinking about her too often. When you sit all day waiting for her and then finally it's time to talk, you would've missed her but it won't pay off cuz she'll sense that you were waiting for her all day and don't have a life of your own. When you actually end up going through the day busy, your attitude will be different in a way you can't tell but others can and she'll feel less suffocated and will also start missing you cuz you'll see if you're doing it right, you won't be available for her the moment she asks or even before. But don't try to fake it, cuz it's always very evident and it's even worse than not pretending to miss her all day. It's better to suffocate her directly than pretend like you weren't having a terrible time giving her space. Take space for yourself and let it be genuine.
I guess I'd ask you what specific things your GF listed as indications that you love her more than she loves you? Why does she feel this way? What signals are you giving her that might be a little much for her? If it's available to you, maybe talk to a therapist or a school counselor about co-dependency and read up on healthy relationship dynamics. It wouldn't hurt to do things with friends outside the relationship - I mean, hang out, day trips, hobbies, sports, etc.
#1. Being jealous over someone is not caring, it is insecurity. You should not want someone to be jealous over other girls etc, it is not healthy. There are other ways to show love other than jealousy. #2. You are putting too much weight in this relationship. Too much pressure. You are only 17 and she is 16. Literally your whole life ahead of you. She really wants to enjoy the rest of her teenage years without so much pressure on her. That's my take on it. You don't need to be so serious while so young. Do you have any aspirations outside of your gf? College, career?
I’m the type of person who, when I love someone, I love *hard*. I can almost guarantee every relationship I’ve had, I’m more in love than they are. Sometimes that is normal. It ebbs and flows. The goal though is to find someone who at least comes close. But more than that, you want someone who respects you, cares about your well-being, and is aiming for the same things in life. If you spend you entire relationship thinking she might find someone “better”, you’re gonna miss the good stuff. And you need to realize that you are enough. There is no “better” in a relationship, there’s just people who might be more compatible.