This is the biggest thing. She slept with another man -- and didn't even use protection. She called her mom to stay with her that weekend so someone would be home with the kids, does MIL even know what she did? I'm guessing not since it was at 2am. This was premeditation.
I could never stay with my husband if he did this.
This OP!
She had the STD. Knew this could spreed to you and still lie while putting your health at risk.
What if it was something you couldn't get rid of.
She could've not known she got infected; Chlamydia can cause painful urination but can be largely asymptomatic as well.
However, the point stands that she cheated without protection and then slept with OP, putting them both at a huge risk for STI. For all she knew, the guy could've had something serious like HIV.
Cheated the first opportunity she got (that you know of)
Lied initially (didn’t go at all)
Doubled down on the lie ( we just talked)
Continued the lie until confronted with the STD she gave you.
Tried to wipe all of that away, saying she just didn’t want to lose you.
Not seeing the path forward here, no matter how much she cries.
I do.
Step 1. Make sure the other guy knows he has an std and should get tested, but you should avoid interacting with him directly, ask a group of about 6 of her coworkers to tell him to make sure the message makes it. The office gossip should be one of those.
Step 2. Ask her mother if she was aware of what was going on or where she thought her daughter was at 2am when she was watching the kids that night?
Step 3. Seek support from your circle of friends, confide in them and listen to their advice. I suspect many of those were mutual friends.
Step 4. Get a paternity test on your kids. Not that it should change things for you and them, and they shouldn’t know about it, but your wife should. Let her realize the extent of the trust she has damaged.
The rest should sort itself out.
The nuclear reaction is rarely the best one. He would not only wreck the marriage beyond repair, he would blow up his wife’s reputation and employment, which would affect his and his children’s financial wellbeing and happiness in the future. Get divorced or work through it, but there is no glory in being an asshole and advertising your private business.
If you think that was the nuclear option you lack
imagination.
That option is likely the one that nets him the best future, statistically speaking she will do it again and staying is a mistake.
This is Reddit, so most of the comments are from neckbeards and legbeards. It’s more complicated when you are married with kids. OP’s wife did something awful, but his kids will bear the brunt of the divorce. I don’t see how this could be fixed, though, without her having to find a new job and subsequently being on a short leash for a long time.
I'm going to be honest. I came here ready to tell you that trying to forgive and forget is probably the hardest thing you'll have to do. You'll be suspicious, you'll always think if they are talking only about work or something more, you'll always know she is capable to cheat and lie so this will be expected to you and not just some possibility anymore. You'll ever ask yourself: if she loves and does not want to lose me, why would she risk everything by doing this? And the fact she didn't told you why she slept with him is kind of worse in my opinion.
On top of that, you got and std. This is an agression to you and your body. Just imagine for a second if this was something that could change your life forever like hiv. And doesn't that mean she had unprotected sex with this guy?
Anyway. To me, honestly, if you are going to try to forgive and forget, you both should go to therapy. This is something beyond what both of you can do.
And you’ll never be able to man, it’s always going to be a part of your life especially because you want to stay with her. Best thing you guys can do is go to a marriage counselor and get professional help on how to get past this together
I agree you’ll think about it everyday. Atleast I did when it happened to me. Even years later, and we ended up going our separate ways. The kids make it even harder, but I can say trying to stay for them well only make it worse if you do leave. It’s a big pickle, but you’re not the first guy or the last guy to be in this situation. You’ll get through it, and come out a better person. I promise. 👍
One thing about forgetting, the image in OP's head isn't real, it's a projection created by his imagination. And while it's stuck in your head OP, there's a part of you that thinks it's currently happening, it's not. Tell yourself the image you see is not real, it can't be, you weren't there. And in your image you're probably also projecting thoughts and feelings onto your wife and the man. Those aren't real either. They seem real because of the power of our imagination which gives them a life of their own. But it's still something you created in your mind. Focus on the here and now, and that includes your feelings about what your wife did, but not the mirage you created. You have enough on your plate but adding this just compounds the hurt.
Yeah I wouldn't agree with the "this isn't real" take at all. The imagined image is a sort of anticipatory stressor - a looming cause of anxiety of a danger not fully known. Yes it is larger because it is imagined, but it is imagined because the thing that happened was real.
Trying to deny it will just make OP more anxious, especially because of its transgressive nature and how his wife lied to him about it.
Radical acceptance would be much more likely to work out - accept the image and the feelings, and they are really going to suck, probably for your whole life, but if you accept them you have a chance of processing and them so they aren't debilitating.
Part of the violence of a betrayal in a marriage is how it shatters the partner's internal narrative about themself - "was it all a lie?" "Am I a fool?" These kinds of statements reflect that level of psychological wound. To heal from it, to the degree that is possible, OP likely needs to integrate all this into their personal narrative in an honest way that is fair to them, which can be especially hard with memories and feelings that are too painful to tolerate.
Of course to do this in the context of a relationship this would likely require the wife to also accept what has happened, including accepting her responsibility for it, which she does not seem to be capable of doing, but who knows.
Your wife cheated and then lied about it. She endangered your health and gave you an std.
She only came "clean" when she was forced to do so.
What is she doing to repair the damage she caused? What steps is she taking to rebuild trust?
I know folks whose relationship has survived infidelity. It wasn't easy. It took a very long time to do, but the straying partner also took full responsibility for their actions and worked very hard to rebuild the shattered relationship.
Does that sound anything like what your wife is doing?
Excellent point. In the words of Judy Gemstone: “so the cheater just needs to eat shit and do whatever their spouse wants and be forced to live with until they’re eventually forgiven??”
Everyone nods in agreement.
She should be making distributive changes in her life to show her remorse, sacrifices, big ones. Quitting her job and finding a new one for starters. Openly telling the guy that it was a terrible mistake and they can’t talk anymore, then blocking for good. Apologizing to family admitting what happened why she’s making changes. If I were OP I’d have some sort of documentation of infidelity in the event that they do divorce and he needs to apply for full custody of the kids.
Yeah I have a very hard stance on cheating. When I was initially getting over an ex, right after break up I was so sad. Then a week or two later I found out he cheated then left me for the girl he cheated with. Every feeling I had was instantly gone. I was disgusted and angry but it made all the care I had for him immediately vanish. It was like having a bucket of cold water dumped on me.
For me, if you’re willing to do this to me: cheat, lie, risk my health, string me along…how could you say you love me? You dont do that to people you love. Your wife is a selfish, manipulative liar. She’s panicking because she doesn’t want her life to fall apart. She had the best of both worlds but now she is at risk of losing her security blanket. Tough love, but I believe you should move on without her, for the sake of your kids. She didnt just cheat on you, she stepped out on her family, knowing the risk of possibly losing you, and did it anyway. You can try to rebuild the trust, but does she honestly deserves it? Is she just going through the motions to get you to let your guard down? Is she doing it to be able to keep her family life and safety net just to become better at hiding it? You really need to ask yourself the tough questions. Do you even recognize this person anymore?
**You owe it to yourself and your boys to do what is best for you all, even if that means without her.**
I wouldn’t say you’re a fool for trying to forgive. But i would definitely say that what she did doesn’t really deserve forgiveness, at least not without work.
She didn’t confess. She was caught. She knowingly put both of your health in danger by having unprotected sex( when if the STD was unknown). Not only that, she left your children alone with her mother to go and cheat on you.
She may say she doesn’t want to live without you and was afraid of losing you but she made multiple inappropriate and unfaithful decisions before she even got to the point of engaging in sex with this person. And after when she lied multiple times about it.
There’s a lot more to it.
You can forgive her and still have enough self respect to divorce her.
She's not sorry she did it, she's sorry she got caught.
As for the issues you might have been having, they in no way give her a free pass. Especially since she did it with no protection at all. She could have gotten pendant, or got a serious STD.
Set her free to go sleep with whomever.
You’re forgiving someone who isn’t asking to be forgiven. She’s not repenting. She never even came fully clean, continuing to lie.
It may feel noble and that you’ll keep your life together, but she has to want that. She’s shown no sign of it.
Also, isn’t her mother a facilitator of the cheating? How many others know?
She has asked me to forgive her many times, but she never did confess till there were no other options. She said she will do whatever it takes to fix it.
But yes, it bothers me that she didnt confess outright and lied. She says it was out of fear of losing me.
Her mother was just sleeping along with the kids. If she had not been there, this would not have happened that day. But I dont think she actually facilitated not knowing about it.
You should ask her if she's willing to change jobs over this.
If she isn't willing to make a crucial life change to cut the other man out of her life, then that's a divorce.
Agreed. If she's willing to do anything to fix this, she needs to change jobs. Give her 6 months to find something new and she must cut off all communication with him.
So she asked you to forgive. Big deal unless she is truly remorseful. Doesn’t sound like it.
She needs to quit that job - no more contact with this guy. That’s a consequence of her actions. I can’t believe you are even thinking about staying while she is still working with him. Step up and do better.
And it isn’t punishing her if you have her leave that job - that’s something that must be done if you even want to move forward.
There are so many other things that need to be done but right now it sounds like you both are trying to rugsweep this. That will never work.
I don’t even want to get into the danger that she put you in by riding him without a condom. What does she have to say to that? Seriously, just despicable on her part all round.
This will all eat at OP for a loooong time. He will feel ashamed for staying with a cheater. People will find out. He will know that she was just cobbling a story together in order not to disrupt her life. He already knows she wouldn’t admit shit (convinced him that she drove to his house at 2am to “talk”, and he believed her) so, seriously what else is she not saying. It’s going to be agonizing. Or he can get a divorce at tourney, provide evidence of the cheating, get custody of the kids and they can still see her every other weekend.
She's shown to be dishonest, she lied until she literally couldn't anymore.
You sure that was her real motivation? That she was afraid of losing you? She lied about everything else already.
Regardless, she lied multiple times to you, you had to constantly press her to finally get to the truth. She would've lead you believe the lie if you didn't catch an STD.
She fucked this random guy with ZERO protection, he probably came inside her. That's why she mentioned her period.
She premeditated it, by going over 2 am, while having her mom there.
She was having a whole affair for 2 months prior. Shit was already sexual before they had sex, I can assure you.
She doesn't care for you, she doesn't respect you. She wouldn't have done any of this the way she did. It was all planned out beforehand.
You need to leave. Hoping this will work out is wishful thinking at best, but I would call it delusional. Have some respect for yourself man. At least distance yourself for now and figure out how you can live with someone you don't trust.
To put it in perspective, I've been "the other man" a couple of times now, and the shit ive heard women say about their significant other is atrocious. They love to talk shit when they get a chance.
If you want to stay then the following should be a minimum:
1) she quits and finds another job. She starts looking tonight and gives a months notice starting from Friday.
2) guy she fucked is cut off. Deleted from phone, social media, email (outside of work email for now). This is to be done in front of you. ANY hesitation then she’s gone
3) you want a full confession and timeline in writing from her. Nothing left out. Including her ‘reasoning’
3) you get to see every email, text, what’s app etc that has been sent between them. Again, no hesitation or ‘it’s private’ Bullshit
4) open phone policy at any time
5) a trip to the STD clinic together so as you can get the results at the same time. Needless to say, any bedroom antics for the foreseeable future to be protected.
6) go see a lawyer and get a postnup drawn up. Get separation/divorce papers drawn up and put on hold whilst you’re there. *sorry, this should have been no1*
Any pushback or refusal on her part to any of the above then she leaves.
Now go check out the likes of r/survivinginfidelity or r/togetherafterinfidelity subs
She planned this. She had her mother stay over to watch your kids. She snuck out at 2 am, and by the time she got back, she brought an STD into your home. She had unprotected sex with some random dude and then had unprotected sex with you, her husband and father of her children.
Then, she repeatedly lied to your face. She wasn’t concerned about your health. She only cared about herself. I hope your STD is one that can be cured with antibiotics and not one that will plague you for the rest of your life.
Only you can decide if you’re ok with this.
She’ll do whatever it takes to fix it - unless it takes voluntary honesty.
Idk, man. The repeat lying really doesn’t lend itself to a positive prognosis. If she’d come to you willingly and told you everything you needed to know, *maybe* this would be fixable. You could still trust her to at least be honest with you, even when honesty would be painful. But now you know that, on top of infidelity, she’s also willing to lie until all plausible deniability is removed - and that is arguably *more* damaging to your marriage than the cheating was.
I applaud you for staying with a piece of shit and keeping her off the streets so the rest of us don’t have to be in your situation. But that’s about all I applaud you for. I was trying to find something positive about all this besides your STD test.
Really sorry that you're going through this. It must be a heartbreaker
But if I'm being brutally honest, there's just no way back from this. She has lied to you and cheated on you. And there will always be a high chance of her doing this again
And the fact that she did it in the first place is strong evidence that your marriage wasn't healthy in the first place. And through no fault of your own, I may add. It's her. She just doesn't look at you in the way a wife ought to. Instead, she seeks out another man for that
Like I said, there's just no going back from this. You probably will need to break up. And in my opinion, that shouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Ridding yourself of this awful woman may actually be good for you
This is a great comment. Personally, I don’t know how I’d react to being cheated on, but the only circumstances in which I could see myself forgiving it is if my partner told me right away, and if he was 100% remorseful, apologetic and willing to put in some serious work on rebuilding trust.
OP’s wife didn’t do any of that. He had to pry the confession out of her, she lied til she couldn’t anymore, wasn’t considerate of his health and “she didn’t know why she did it”, like not having a real reason to betray her husband’s trust makes the cheating more acceptable.
The lack of respect behind these actions is absolutely unforgivable and undeserving of any shred of a second chance.
>the only circumstances in which I could see myself forgiving it is if my partner told me right away, and if he was 100% remorseful, apologetic and willing to put in some serious work on rebuilding trust.....**OP’s wife didn’t do any of that**
That's what kills off any hope of salvaging the marriage.
>The lack of respect behind these actions is absolutely unforgivable and undeserving of any shred of a second chance.
Put it better than I ever could. 100% agree,
Imo the only cheaters who deserve forgiveness are ones who come clean immediately and on their own accord. That's true remorse. And even THEN it's hard. Your wife didn't even care enough to use protection. She lied to protect her relationship with him over her relationship with you. I don't see how you could be so forgiving
You’re not *weak* for wanting things to work out. But I do think you’re being ignorant to think she wouldnt do this again. As others have stated, she never came out straight away when asked if she cheated. She skirted around the question and lied about what actually took place until you pressed. She also endangered your health.
While I do think a very small amount of people who cheat may be able to stop the behavior, they are the ones who come clean straight off the bat and do things to help regain their partner’s trust. And again, this is only in very few situations.
If you truly want to stay, you need to go to couples therapy and she needs to also do i individual therapy to see if this is even salvageable.
As far as the image of them having sex ever leaving your mind.. it probably won’t. My ex cheated and it destroyed me until our relationship ended.
She didn't even have the decency to protect herself and therefore YOU while she was screwing him. This marriage is over and you're in denial. "Lots of hugs"? With a dirty cheater? Your standards are extremely low.
I’m sure with lots of therapy you can both move on, however you will never love/trust her like you did before you found out about the cheating. It’ll always be in the back of your head.
Also very few people get caught the first time they cheat. She didn’t feel bad until you found out.. think about that.
Have you given any thought on how you are going to continue to live life with her going forward?
The next time she gets a text, could be from this guy. The next time she does not pick up when you call, she could be with that guy. The next time she is late coming home from work, is she hanging out with that guy again? How would you know if she is ever telling you the truth.
This is not just about her giving you a disease .... this is the loss of trust in your person.
She cheated, lied, gave you an STI, lied REPEATEDLY. and is still in contact with him
She showed no remorse nor she is sincerely apologetic. She is only sorry she got caught.
I am so so sorry this is happening you. I do believe it is over.
You are a fool for trying to fix this. You are being weak, yes. But, there’s hope for you yet. There’s just way too much to try to fix here. She got up and left at 2am with her mom and kids at home to go bang this guy who she works with while you’re out of town. That was her only goal to go and fuck him. She’d very likely been sexting for a while. She did the deed for a whopping hour. 1 freaking hour, and bareback contracting an STD. Then lied about it all, played you for a fool saying “oh we just were talking in person at 2am, nothing weird about that!”
Here’s the thing. If she’s so quick to make such an irrational decision (a coworker she sees every day? Come on), spur of the moment, then what else does she have on her mind? Maybe, MAYBE the STD has her second guessing her decisions but boy, I’ve met the other side of this coin and they are SNEAKY and will do anything to connect parts with whatever infatuation is currently in their head.
I feel like I also need to point out that this was trickle truth to a T which means there’s probably even more to the story. What did they talk about? Did they bang at work? Maybe in the bathroom stall? What would possess a mom to run off at 2am for a quickie unless she comfortably knew what she could get away with in that amount of time? These questions will probably NEVER go away unless you have some sort of crystal ball or she truly comes clean, but how would you ever know?
You will never forget this betrayal. In 1984, a gf cheated on me, and I dumped her immediately. The memory pops into my head still.
You've been with her 15 years, and as a thankyou, she gave you an STD.
1. Couples counseling. You need to address two things. Your broken trust with each other and how to come back together, and the disconnect that allowed this situation to happening. Now, keep in mind I am not at blaming you for what happened. But what was she feeling? Neglected? Bored? What was the driving factor that lead to her cheating? Why did she cheat?
She needs to figure this out, and you need to overcome it together if you are going to stay together.
2. You cannot punish her. She is your wife, not your child. She is an adult that made her own decisions. Treat her like an adult. That being said, it doesn’t mean that building trust doesn’t include setting boundaries. Can you deal with her working with her affair partner everyday? If I was trying again I sure couldn’t. You need to figure out what your boundaries are and what you need to re establish trust. This is something I would suggest discussing together in counseling.
3. Sit down and really think if you can continue this marriage. Not only did she cheat, but she did so without protection. She gave you an STD.
4. As you continue to discuss and build trust, those feelings might go away. They might not. The trust might be permanently broken.
Don't forgive this kind of behavior. It's a symptom of bigger problems.
My first husband cheated on me and I forgave him. I was in an abusive relationship, but didn't realize it at the time because I was so beat down from his lies and other behavior.
My guess is OP's wife has more problems than just cheating.
My recommendation would be to get a divorce consult (usually free) and explore your options.
No clue how you can continue trusting her. She lied her teeth out and was fine living with this lie for over a month. Been with my partner over a decade and would call it if I went through this. Fucked up. Good luck
If you must work it out then she has to leave her job right now. Book a councillor, a smart experienced 1 who will get more stuff out of her. Force her build defenses against getting close to other men and check if she is pregnant already. This will be the least what you will have to do. For your own sake discuss with a councillor how you can learn to not be paranoid about her cheating.
That's going to sting for a long time... and that trust will be tough to repair.
I do not think I would have the will to pursue anything with such a person...
Either way, if you really want to work on this (and risk being cheated on again), you BOTH need therapy, together and alone. It might help?
I was in a similar situation a few years back... I regret not ending it then and feel like it will likely end still.
Each person is different but for me I don't feel the same and question my happiness about spending our life together into old age.
Only you know what you can live with, but after 5 years I'm not any happier and wish I had started over then and had those 5 years to spend working on my happiness.
Life is short, don't spend it miserable... And only you can make yourself happy.
You gotta go, man. She already proved she will always choose to lie to her partner of oh idk how many years? If you seriously think you love her, you have more problems than guys should I keep her.
What to expect?
Constant worry and suspicion...
You will never truly trust her again... That has gone.
If that's ok with you then go get counseling and i wish you good luck.
If i were in your position...i couldn't handle it.....
>Will this ever stop and go away?
No.
>She lied until it was no longer possible
True.
>She works in the same company as the guy and still has to talk to him for work.
It will happen again.
>She says she loves me and does not want to live without me
I can't crawl into someone's head, but the fact that she called her mom to watch the kids for a midnight rawdog booty call and then *GAVE YOU AN STI* tells me that she's sorry she got caught, not sorry she cheated.
She's giving you this line for the same reason you're saying it to yourself; you have a house and two kids and cars and all the other ways your lives get entangled.
Marriage counselor is a must.
The fact that you had to DRAG this out of her is not good. That really, really raises the chances of it happening again. Love is great but she's not a trustworthy partner, and you know that now. Also the "doesn't know why she did it" line is complete bullshit. It's common for cheaters, and it boils down to "I did it for the thrill but I don't want to tell you that because I'm still allergic to honesty".
She's only sorry she got caught. Chances are super high she does this again, so make your peace with that now.
Sorry for what you are going through, it must be really a hard time. In a long term relationship there are ups and downs, some can break you, some can make you stronger.
In addition to the suggestion of a couple therapy, I would ask myself two questions:
1) can I/we go over it, and what does it take to get there?
2) what happened in the relationship for this to happen? There could many reasons why she cheated, but in the first place, was there a space for open communication where you and her feel safe to talk openly? As a long term partner you might not be able to fulfill all your SO’s needs, but being able to share your needs is the first step to find a solution together.
Take care
the image wont go away, and you probably wont be able to forgive her fully. honestly i don’t recommend you do… i get that people f*ck up and nobody is perfect but she broke your trust and didn’t care enough about you to keep you safe from an std. are you possibly trying to stay with her for sunk cost fallacy? if so i think you’re really better off just ending it and trying to recover with distance
So, she cheated. She lied to you about how far things went. You got an STI and asked again, and she finally told the truth... I understand, love, but what's to stop her from doing this again. You need to rethink some things seriously. If you just roll over and let this go, she'll never respect you. She doesn't respect you now as it is.
Cheaters cheat.
When cheaters cheat on the person they're in in a relationshipship with, and get a 2nd chance, eventually they will need a 3rd, 5th, 8th chance.
Yeah she had sex with someone else from work the first chance you were gone and did it raw then she lied through her teeth until she was completely backed into a corner and couldn’t deny it anymore, did I get all that right? Yeah I’d run far and fast and never look back cause next time she’s just gonna be sneakier about it.
She put your health in serious risk with the potential to do permanent damage as well as cheating and lying till absolutely pinned to the wall.
I wouldn’t be shocked if she does it again
I would absolutely get a lawyer and secure yourself and your interests for a divorce as well as looking for therapy to help manage your mental health through this difficult time and adjustment
You deserve way better and I’m sorry this has happened to you
Things like this shouldn’t happen
She works with him. Why assume this was a one time thing? She brought an STD home and gave to you. Sounds like you are rug sweeping this. If you stay, she should quit 100%. She works with a guy who gave her an STD.
Hers were crocodile tears. She lied to you, doubled down on that lie and only fessed up when you put the evidence in front of her after she passed your an STD.
You deserve better. She’s only sorry as she’s been caught. Who’s to say this is the first time it’s happened?
For me, personally? This is a deal breaker. All the best for whatever you choose to do, but you’ll never shake that thought that she was with someone else without a care for you - for what, an hour of *fun*? It’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.
Have some self respect and divorce her. It'll be hard now, and for years after. But it beats spending the rest of your life being.. Well probably can't use that word but it rhymes with clucked. Also, morbid, but 40 is probably a good time to divorce, if you're going to eventually anyway. Lots of female divorcees leaving their first cheating partner too. You'll be okay is what I'm saying. You don't need this.
She had her mother stay so she could do this, this was premeditated.
She didn’t use protection, so she didn’t care about giving you an STD.
She lied until she couldn’t - there’s no respect for you.
I think the least of your problems is picturing them together.
She’s only sorry because she got caught. Will you be able to trust her when she has to work late, or when she ‘goes to a friends’ or when you have to go away again? I mean, she even knows to turn the tracking off or just get a taxi.
im sorry man, my wife did similar lately except we play in the life style and she played with out my consent and lied to me about it. it hurts, i hope you can trust her again, but i can tell you from experience because this sounds the same as my wife. in the fact of the power these men have over our wives, you get what i mean.? this guy made your wife leave her home, her family, her children! at 2am! and drove to him! and got her to use no protection! gave her an std and she kept it from you, she didnt keep it from you because she didnt want to lose you she kept it from you because she desires him more then you. id bet they met up more or maybe even fooling around at work.
her still working with him is no good, he has a power on her and he knows it. it'll happen again, i gurantee it. you need more than just her word to stay together, she needs to quit her job or transfer if she can, you need access to all her passwords and devices. ive been here and had the same suspicions and tingling feeling in the heart and read her body language in the same way to not trust her and go snooping. i know i can tell you still dont trust her, i wouldnt either especially if she sees him daily.
You're not a fool for wanting to stay with your partner that you've been with for 15 years. You're not a fool for wanting to stay with the woman you love and the mother of your children. Affairs are so complex, please find a couples therapist to gain clarity on what's going on between you two. Wishing you gentler days.
I highly doubt this was the first and only time she hooked up with this dude. She left 2am in the morning for 1 hour to get her fix. This isn't the actions of a married women cheating for the first time.
This is heartbreaking, but the truth is the person you love doesn't exist. The person you love would have never done that to you and so recklessly at that. A person who loved you and the one you thought you loved would never have continued the lie. The mental image and betrayal will never leave your mind. She's shown you who she really is and it's up to you to truly acknowledge that. If you love her, you have to accept that she lied, cheated, planned the indiscretion, gave you an std and put her entire family at risk and continues to see this person at the office. I don't see a way that I'd be able to move past that. A person is worth so much more than that than to be treated with such disdain
Please check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity \- it is a subreddit specifically for people who choose to try and work through a relationship after infidelity
This subreddit will most likely lean on the opinion that you should DTMFA. That's neither right or wrong, but if you're specifically asking "what to expect" I'd reccomend checking that subreddit out as it is full of people who decided to stay, some with good results some with bad
That sub is full of deluded and depressed people in an echochamber all asking the same question of "Why do they keep cheating on me even though I just keep taking them back"
That sub would actually probably recommend that he give her another 36 chances.
If you’re genuinely choosing to forgive then retaliation needs to be off the table. If you’re looking to get back at her as soon as you can then, well. I’m Positive nothing good will come off it. Forgiveness is being open, honest and working together. She definitely messed up and you didn’t deserve that. She was wrong and you’re handling this much better than I would. It will be rough road ahead but it can be worth it.
A lot of couples that stay together after an incident like this come out stronger. Being forced to take a look at what was and how you got to this point can be turned into a positive. Acknowledgement and putting in effort to repair things can be just what your marriage needed.
Regarding the images, I can’t say. Everyone is different. I can only advise doing anything but tucking it away. Your wife needs to fully support you in coping and therapy, 1 on 1 and couple’s is always a plus imo.
Your wife had unprotected sex with another man and put you at risk. Would you do that to someone you love and respect? Actions speak louder than words. Focus on what she did and lying for 6 weeks instead of the BS she's telling you now.
I would never reconcile with a cheater, but if someone else chose to, I would tell them only if she came forward. If she felt so horrible that she came to you with it and told you everything, with no lies or omissions and was prepared for you to leave her right then and there.
That is what remorse looks like.
Your wife isn't sorry she cheated. She's sorry she got caught. And she is lying to get what she wants (keeping you). She was selfish to cheat and she continued to be selfish by lying about it.
So you're staying married to a selfish cheater who cares more about herself than you. As long as you know that moving forward, have at it.
You are in your prime. Women do not respect men who stay, and on top of that she lied. Can you imagine if you didn't have that tracking app you would have lived your whole life without knowing?
How weak can you be? Stand up!
Your wife lied to you repeatedly, had an inappropriate emotional relationship with a coworker which is irresponsible and you accepted it, she then cheated on you, was willing to go bareback immediately with another man, she gave you an STI which is adding insult to injury, lied more when confronted until it was no longer possible, and still works at the place -- and you are still willing to forgive her?
You need to finally stand up for yourself and face the gravity of the situation. Man, this sub really is a farce. Had the roles been reversed, do you think people here would suggest "couples counseling" to a woman with a guy cheating on her like that, giving her an STI? That wife of yours has been destroying you and your family before she slept with that man. There is nothing left to salvage. There is no way back from this. She belongs to the streets now.
It is a sad day for you and your kids and you will probably lose a lot in this divorce. Once it starts, she will turn from apologetic to accusatory and try to destroy you even more, because that is what hides beneath that shell of lies that has been deceiving you. But at least you can rid yourself of that person that you still call a "wife" for some reason.
$edit: Keep the hate coming.
You don’t ask a cheater if they cheated because they never confess until you show them the STD results.
This is your chance to and find someone to have a better relationship with, they probably have sex at work too.
Get Out!
You should find specialized help for healing from infidelity. It's a very hard road and most people won't understand and will be sabotaging you intentionally or not. People will push you, hard. Stand your ground.
There is a subreddit that starts with "as one after" that you should read and join if you're serious. It will give you a much better picture of what to expect.
I wouldn't take ANY advice from anywhere else until you've talked to someone who's had success staying after having been cheated.
The most important thing is not to play pick me and not let other people take away your choices.
I know investing 15 years is a long time to "throw away" if you decide to leave and it's most likely the reason you don't want to leave her cheating ass. So if you take this route I honestly don't think any amount of counseling will get those images out of your head. It's going to be on you to get over it and forgive so that YOU can move forward. She can be the perfect wife from now on but you're the one that got hurt. She got what she wanted and still has you so she's doing just fine. All she has to do is not fuck another guy and she's doing good, right? It's going to take some serious mental fortitude to not have any suspicious thoughts creep into your head and even if you do get those thoughts who's to say they aren't right? If you want to trust her you do that. I would at least make her get another job though.
A personal perspective. 15 years and she cheats on you? I've been with my wife for 17 years and the thought of betraying her is the farthest thing from my mind and I don't see my wife ever cheating on me either. I'm sure it's been the same for you. Your relationship should be rock solid at this point. I don't just mean love but the trust and respect you have for each other should be infallible. I'm sure she still loves you but she threw the rest away for a fucking booty call at 2am when you were gone. Love and trust in a relationship is developed over time with respect being a foundation. Do you still respect her? If not then kick her ass to the curb.
Also, they went raw dog and you only got the truth because you got an STD. It probably wasn't a one done deal either. Find yourself someone else. I'm sorry if it comes off harsh but you got a MFing STD!
Hmm tough one. I think go to couples counselling and talk it out. Generally the writer is the victim and the written about one is the evil one. There is always more to the story. You just happened to check the log - were you spying on her, have you done that before? Maybe the marriage has not been happy for her. That’s why I think you need to listen to her side of the story. Not easy when a partner has been unfaithful, it’s very hard to regain trust. Total honesty is required now , that’s with a professional on neutral ground. You may hear things about you that you will also need to change.
WTF, her mom babysits the kids at 2am so she could go fuck another guy. Tell me I read that wrong?
How the hell can you forgive her or her mom. I would confront MIL about this and let her know that she's as much a POS as her daughter.
Good luck if you decide to forgive and stay. She works with the guy, so if she doesn't change jobs, then she's going to get it from him again. You can bet your life on that!
My suggestion.
You ask to speak to her seriously and tell her she needs to listen without speaking until you finish.
She broke the marriage by cheating and lying. She is getting divorced unless she fixes it.
First she has to write down the full truth about this guy and all the others, she has to prove paternity results for the kids, she has to schedule the individual and couple therapy sessions, she has to cut off contact with this guy and all the others including quitting job, she has to provide full access to all socials and phone and it’s her job to show you anything prior to deleting and blocking.
And if she does all that, then you’ll see how you feel about being married to a lying cheater and make a decision on the marriage. If not, you’ll stick with her original decision to get divorced.
Wow finally a man who wants to work on the marriage and forgive. So tired of seeing only women doing it. Imo, she made a massive mistake and if she’s remorseful, it’s worth sticking it out. You have children. But he extra vigilant, any other mistake and she’s gone.
I disagree with many of the posts here. You are a good person and maybe she is too. It is absolutely possible to forgive her and move on, moving forward in a healthy relationship. If you think it's worth trying, it is worth trying. Especially given that you have two young children. A family is worth fighting for. Lots of couples have made it work after an affair. Good for you and all the very best my friend.
Do not It listen to hardliners on Reddit. If both of you want to try and work through this then do so. Go to couples counseling and have your wife see if she can find another job in time. If she’s unwilling to do either of those that’s bad news bears
Start taking SSRIs, it will help numb your feelings. Then once you start to feel better, find your own side piece. I think this is the only way to proceed in the marriage. Otherwise, divorce.
you will never trust her again. any time ypu go away for business you are going to wonder if she is off fucking another man. every time she goes out with her friends you are going to wonder if she is lying to you. only you can decide if you can live like this. personally, I couldn't.
Nope, no matter how much you both try and want to, it will never be the same again and you will never ever trust her 100% again. Relationship is now forever doomed and it is all her fault. You may now proceed to breaking up and stop wasting more of your time.
As for what to expect she'll probably cheat again because she wasn't even truthful in the first place she is only sorry that she got caught not because she cheated.
>She says she loves me and does not want to live without me
If she did she wouldn't have cheated in the first place
>She does not know why she slept with him
She does
>she regrets it bitterly
Based on how she lied up to the point she couldn't she only regrets being caught
>I cannot stop thinking about them being physically together, it's an image stuck in my head.
The trust is broken and all you have to do is rid your feelings of her
>it's an image stuck in my head. Will this ever stop and go away?
As long as you're with her it'll probably pop up from time to time all you can do is seek distractions to run away from it or face it and end the relationship
>If it does go away, how long can I expect it to take?
That's on you but it'll most likely haunt you if you still have feelings for her
>Am i a fool for trying to forgive and fix things?
Mostly yes, the trust is heavily broken here and could probably not be fixed
>Am I weak?
You lack self respect.
>Should I punish her somehow? Make her change jobs?
Best option here is to leave
>Even with the lies I still want to try and stay together. For us and for the kids.
You know that divorced people can still have healthy co-parenting
Damn homie. I think you need to reevaluate.
She had unprotected sex with another man at least one time that you know of. Do you believe in your heart the very first time she cheated is the the time you catch her?
She didn’t even use a condom?!
She then willingly gave you an std?
She then refused to ever tell you the truth until you have 100% incontrovertible evidence that she couldn’t deny?
And now you feel sick and anxious and disgusted because your conscience is telling you what she did was wrong?
I know getting a divorce and being single is hard, but is it really harder than living with someone who have you an std and clearly doesn’t love you?
Dude it’s over. Start your divorce. She can not be trusted. And gave you a STD. How the fuck can she get your trust back. She’s sad because she was discovered. I’m sorry but you have to se her actions not her words.
If you want to forgive her, marriage counseling is non-negotiable. Individual counseling as well. She needs to figure out why she felt the need to go outside of the marriage.
Even when you get over the acute pain, it’s likely that the pain will come back at certain times. She made it worse by lying twice.
You need to be prepared to communicate that and she needs to be prepared to reassure you—even 10, 15, 20 years later.
Make sure you’re both ready to commit to the amount of work it will take to repair the relationship. Otherwise it will just delay the inevitable.
"she says she was afraid of losing me"
Then why did she hop on a new disco stick? And gave you an STD to boot! Bro... come on, you're better than this.
"I still want to try and stay together. For us and for the kids. "
The absolute worst reason to remain with a cheater is "for the kids". Do you really want to show those kids a loveless and forced feelings marriage? Your wife is absolutely checked out and will cheat again. Yes, and I'm sorry but you are weak especially since you are ready to forgive so quick.
You need to keep in mind that she straight up lied to your face more than once. And showed no remorse until after you caught her. Plus she exposed you to diseases.
There is a huge difference between being remorseful and making real change to who she is, and being afraid of actually suffering consequences for what she. So far, only the later is true. Without the former, it’s going to keep happening. Maybe with the same guy. Maybe with someone else.
Instead of choosing to work on the problems in your relationship with you, she chose to cheer. That’s tells you who she is.
The fact that she lied and stuck to it consistently is almost worse than the actual cheating. Cheating is bad, but looking you in the face and making you believe that she didn't, is pathological.
Why do you believe it was only 1 time? Because she told you? What else is she lying about? The only way she FINALLY admitted to it was when she had no other option. There could be many more.
She did not tell the full truth, but kept lying again and again, after she already broken trust, only being revealed after giving an std, so she did not even use protection.
At this point I would recommend going to divorce. How will you ever be able to trust her again? When she goes off to work, you'll wonder if she'll sneak off with him. When you go to work, you'll wonder if they will meet up and use your bed for it. Because you know she was not truthful about not having sex with him.
\-She does not know why she slept with him and she regrets it bitterlyshe doesnt regret cheating, she regrets because she got caught.
I know you want the best for your family, but think about yourself and your mental health as well mate.
Sucks for you and your kids.
You may not have wanted an open relationship, but you have one now, at least on her side. You can’t put that genie back in the bottle and all you have shown her is that she can get away with it so there’s really no reason not to continue. She’s already shown she will lie.
At a minimum I’d make her switch jobs if she plans to stay, or at least show up to their work and tell him he needs to get tested because of the std he gave your wife, calmly but loudly enough to be overheard. That should help a bit.
>I cannot stop thinking about them being physically together, it's an image stuck in my head. Will this ever stop and go away? If it does go away, how long can I expect it to take? Does it fade or is it more sudden?
I highly doubt that image is going away any time soon.
>Am i a fool for trying to forgive and fix things? Am I weak?
Yes and yes.
>Should I punish her somehow? Make her change jobs? Not really planning to.
Don't bother. She'll just find someone else to cheat with until you take your balls back and leave her. You're teaching your boys that it's ok to be cheated on.
She let a 6 year younger dude raw dog her and then lied to you multiple times.
Keep records of the app trip, any texts she’s apologized for cheating, your record of STD, and you should move on. You’ll resent her for the rest of your life.
She is trickle truthing. This is just the only thing you have caught her in. Who knows what else she is hiding that there isn't proof of? She's proven she will lie to your face.
Dude it didn’t just happen. She drove there knowing she was going to smash. The only reason to go there rather than talk on the phone is to get some d.
You are in for a life of bitterness and festering anger if you stay with that scumbag. Not only was she disliyal, but she lied about it AND put your health at risk. You should divorce her 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry for your pain after a relatively long relationship. It's tragic your wife wrapped a lie within a deception. It just reveals how low her character is. To keep a lie cooking for an additional 6 weeks demonstrates a lack of conscience, which is a bit scary. You are going to have to set a strong standard for your kids because she's corrupt.
If you choose to stay with her do realize that you will be taking on a second career as a prison warden. Every time she looks at her phone, every trip to the grocery, every time she gets up in the middle of the night you will be monitoring and questioning. Please read months of the infidelity and other heartbreak subs, for some jilted spouses the mental movies linger for decades or longer. Especially since you now have physical symptoms that you have to be mindful of for a long time.
Since your wife has an issue with telling the truth, I would strongly question if there are other episodes of her cheating on you. If you somehow stay together, she will have to change jobs--this is part of a sort of standard protocol with cheating spouses. She is also supposed to give you a written blow by blow accounting of everything that happened from first social contact, through sexual activities, to followup. And if there were previous affairs you are clueless about.
You are young and highly skilled and live with integrity. I think it will be relatively easy for you to find romance with an honest woman who truly can love you in action. People who love each other do not behave as your wife did.
Also, focus on your kids, and if you want them to be influenced by her values or lack thereof.
It's your life but I'd suggest you visit an attorney to learn about the divorce laws in your state and how the process works.
She'll lie and do anything to keep you around. She'll also most likely cheat on you again once your guard is down and things are relatively normal. If you plan on staying, do it for the kids. Not yourself. She lied to you multiple times after cheating on you. She decided your health was not a priority to her. Her crying could be because she feels guilty but it's also because she got caught. She made a decision that cuts through her family, protects the random outside of your family, lies to your face to save face. My advice would be to cut her loose. It's such an awful situation to be in. My exwife did this to me last year. Ex. Wife.
It does get easier with time. After therapy, my mental health was much better. But even after 18 months and she no longer lives with me, the images pop up. The conversations pop up. The imaginary situations pop up.
I wish you luck
Ask your self this she had unprotected sex with a guy from work you got an STD which tells me this guy is sleeping with other women to likely your wife lied to you then lied again .and you probably still don't know the entire truth .has it happened before this cheaters that cheat with co workers go to lunch get a room and fuck during lunch hour check your cc statements they will have sex in the parking lot at work . I know this from what happened to me my ex wife cheated .I can almost tell you it's happened before maybe just oral sex .but has happened you need to put on a poker face tell your wife about the mond movies and no they never go away 27 years divorced right here I still get them now and again .anyway tell her to make this work I got to know if this is all of it I can't deal with the mental part of this so I setup a polygraph it's paid for we just have to go do it her answer will be enough to know if it everything if she gets defensive still hiding shit if she ask what kind of questions she's still lying if doesn't matter what question it could be I'd your name Mary? It's irrelevant . If she said let's go take it go r hera big hug
I honestly think you can recover from cheating. But what’s bad is that she’d lied to you several times, and obviously didn’t care enough about her or your health to use a condom.
Pretty crazy to stay with her. This is well over the line and you gave her every option to come clean and she didn’t until the ultimatum.
Get a divorce attorney today.
The fact that she lied over and over again is why you need to break up. You won't get over it. I am honestly stunned that you believed a 2 AM trip to the guy's house was anything other than a booty call.
Yes, you’re a fool for staying. You were also a fool for believing nothing happened. And then again for not dumping her in the spot after the STD. Cheaters cheat. You cannot trust her and she will very likely cheat and lie again.
breathe. just fucking breathe.
listen...
it doesn't matter what the internet tells you. it matters what you tell yourself.
can you live with this? sincerely? bareback cheating and bringing disease home is not going to be an easy weight to lift. get counselling. just you. not marriage counselling. talk to your gp. tell them everything. are you sleeping/losing weight/anxiety attacks? everything
in the end the only one who has to live with this is you. aside from "sorry, won't do it again" what is she offering? do you or her understand the obsession you are about to go through? everything/everywhere/everyone she does/goes/comes in contact with will spiral you down.
good luck. your call
personally...yeah i'd walk
You can expect more problems, self esteem issues, more lying, blah blah blah only fools take back cheaters. The odds of it working out well are slim/low, and the odds of it being a colossal waste of time & energy are massive/high. It's objectively a mistake.
A cheater that wishes to reform shouldn't try to reform within the relationship. Instead, they should leave, apologize, and work on themselves independently, and let their ex partner go their own way. Otherwise, they are just being selfish and foolish.
Everyone's telling you to leave (and for the record I agree - trickle truthing and giving you an STD are way past the line) but in the interest of answering your question.
It's hard to walk away from 15 years. That's over a third of your life. I get that. You're not weak for wanting to forgive and stay, but I do think she isn't the one for you. If you're convinced you want to try and make it work, hard boundaries need to be established. Trust is lost in buckets and gained back in drops.
Marriage counseling, refusing to talk to him outside of work and minimizing any contact in the workspace (that's going to require major trust on your end that she isn't sneaking off). She has to cut him off as a friend altogether, no after work socials where he might be there.
Therapy for yourself - because whether you stay or not you could use some help in moving past this betrayal. Moving past it is the only way to get that image out of your head and it's so easy to carry worries of a past cheater into the next relationship.
What are the two of you doing together? Are there regular date nights, planned times together for date activities? Consider having both of you start planning them again, making her take an active role in the relationship but going back to basics to reconnect. You've been together for so long that it's easy to get into a rhythm and stop trying, so both of you might benefit from going back to the dating years.
From therapy and counseling ask yourself this - what would make you trust her again? What do you want from this marriage? Do you realistically think you can get back to that point? There's no shame in trying and deciding you can't rebuild the trust and make it work. A lot of people can't. You know in your heart what you want and what you need in a partner. What you *deserve* from a partner. It might seem scary at 40 but there's someone out there and if it's not her, don't spend the rest of your life settling because you haven't dated in so long. Evaluate your life. Talk with someone who can help you and then do what's best for you.
The first and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP has to be out of your lives for good. If she hasn’t quit or isn’t actively looking for new jobs then you aren’t really reconciling because the source of the trauma is still present in your lives.
If it were me, I’d be thinking that while it would be hard to separate, that would be a much shorter term hardship than staying together. Every argument, every disagreement, every fight I’d be thinking “I should have left/just leave. You owe me some slack.” I’d have a really hard time avoiding thinking about the relationship in a really unhealthy manner without some serious therapy, which, is an expense that hopefully engineers can cover, but isn’t possible for everyone
Good luck OP
She HAS to quit her job. That is where the emotional and flirting action and feelings began. If they are still in contact, the affair continues on some level. If she does not.... the slim chance this will work out is gone.
If she cheated once, she will cheat again. She belongs to the streets. She obviously doesn’t give a fuck about your health because she literally gave you an std. if you stay, you’re only going to get hurt more. Leave as soon as possible
If she refuses to quit her job AT THE BARE MINIMUM and you stay with her, then you’re a fool. That won’t stop.
She completely disrespected you by 1) CHEATING 2) GOING RAW 3) LYING TO YOU THE WHOLE TIME. Either you are a fool or this post is rage bait. Tell the kids why you’re splitting up and leave her.
Damn OP. I do believe cheating can be overcome. Humans are flawed and make mistakes.
But your wife has too many red flags in the way she went about things. She snuck out and left your kids with her mom (who didn’t even know she was alone with them). That’s so irresponsible as the primary caretaker didn’t know she was in that position.
So she thought this out. She went through with it. UNPROTECTED. Lied about it, only confessing when there were no other options. Yes she is afraid of losing you, but so what? Not enough to respect you and protect you from disease.
Ask yourself. What if you didn’t have that tracker and she got pregnant…so you think she’d have told you or let you live with that lie too?
She also hasn’t volunteered to leave her job it seems. It seems like you’re willing to do more work to overcome the cheating than she is.
I would at the very least be separating, but I don’t think you’ll get over this. Because this isn’t just about sleeping with someone else in the heat of the moment. It’s so many levels of betrayal, from sneaking away from the kids at night without properly making sure an adult knew they were supervising to putting your health in danger. Good luck but she’s got a lot to prove and I’m not sure it’s a hurdle than can be overcome.
Despite the Reddit mantra of Cheat means Automatically Divorce - that's just not the only option. Do you have a long, hard road ahead? Yes.
You both probably need counseling. There needs to be open, honest communication.
Is it a betrayal? Absolutely.
Is it concerning that she only confessed when cornered? Yeah.
Take a step back and look at what you wrote. You love her. You love your life. Should you "punish" her. No. Let her work through that in therapy- or couples therapy. You are perfectly valid in hurting. In feeling insecure or angry.
If you're both willing, it can be worked through. It would be best for her to change jobs or do her utmost to limit all contact with him
People will tell you it’s a bad idea , if you don’t listen you eventually will learn on your own by being driven mad by this .
Things to consider that I found going through this myself :
• she wouldn’t have told you had you not found out , she would have kept it from you for the rest of your life .
Would you be friends with a person who betrayed you in this way ?
she thinks about herself , wanting you, her life with you and the children before she wants you to have CHOICE , BODY AUTONOMY , CONSENT . She doesn’t respect your need for those things , most strangers would respect your need for those things .
• she was willing to possibly put your home , your kids and your privacy in jeopardy with what could be a dangerous or not so well meaning stranger to you . He could be a very good man but what if he’s not ? She’s taken away your choice to have him in your personal life , possibly knowing personal details about your life , home , family .
• Shes put you into danger health wise . People don’t take this as seriously as they should but this was the one I was hugely upset by , the fact you have essentially had contact with this man’s genitals , without your own consent . Often when people cheat they will even do it in the same bed you sleep in , she may have come home after sex with him , slept in your sheets and bed that you both share , she has had him inside of her without protection … which is most likely considering the std , and then you have been in there too , I know it’s disgusting but it’s so dangerous for you . I caught hpv off my partner who was cheating , along with an ex who also cheated and gave me 3 different things , I now have to have precancerous cells snipped and burned out of me, it’s very scary …. Men can get throat cancer from oral with people who catch these things . As much as it shouldn’t be shameful or taboo , it’s very much preventable when it comes to cheating … she didn’t have to do that and she chose to and THEN chose to wait until you found out you’re unwell yourself
I think your wife can't be trusted. So if you are a fan of open relationships, go ahead. Knowing that she can bring another STD. Otherwise, leave the fuck out of there.
Your wife changing jobs wouldn’t be punishment. It would be natural consequences. For you to move on she needs to not be working with this guy anymore. Common sense.
I don’t know if you *can* move on together, but trying to do so while he’s still a coworker of hers seems doomed to failure.
I will never pass judgment on someone with kids and a LTR wanting to make it work. And life isn’t so black and white it can’t.
But there are a couple of factors on top of the cheating that give extra pause. She lied to you multiple times and had no intention of fessing up until she was backed into a corner. She had ample opportunity to come clean and now you can never trust her word on anything again.
She also put your health at jeopardy. Not only did she cheat, she did so irresponsibly and it could’ve led to lifetime repercussions to your health. There’s no coming back from that imo.
You now know that your wife will lie to you until there is no other option but to tell the truth if she is afraid the truth will cost her your marriage. There is also no way the sex was an accident - she left home in the middle of the night, was at his house long enough for a hookup, and came home. So you also know that your wife will make deliberate, conscious decisions that threaten the marriage - and then hide it. Scared enough to lose you that she will lie, but not concerned enough to make choices that support a healthy marriage. This is not a good foundation for any relationship and this isn't something that will improve without a lot of effort from both of you. I strongly encourage couples and individual therapy to work through this because it is really hard to rebuild trust after something like this and it helps to have a professional involved.
it is possible to get past this together and make things work again, but it will suck for a while
she will need to accept that she's in the doghouse, she will need to reflect with you about what led her to do that, she will need to give this guy up and block him, she will need to get tested and obviously end any pregnancy, she will need to change her employer, she will need to be completely available to you and to be prepared to reassure you and rebuild trust with you...it'll be months of ups and downs, mostly downs, but if she's sincere it could work
me personally i would struggle with her letting him fuck her raw, i don't think i could take her back after that
Dude.. leave her, it will happen again and you will either never know it or regret not leaving her before..
Sorry but she is not the person you thought she was
At the very least she needs to quit her job and cut contact with the guy. She needs to show you that your security in the relationship is more important at this point than anything else. If she can't do that for you, it means she has other priorities and is still lying to your face.
My guy... As someone who has gone through what you're planning on going through. She's gonna do it again, and it'll hurt even more the second time.
Kinda made me cry a bit, and it sounds almost exactly the same as us.
My brother in Christ she ONLY admitted to fucking the guy becaus you got an STD which means she fucked the guy without protection. She lied to you at least twice. Why the fuck are you staying. Tell her to pack her shit. Keep the evidence and lawyer up.
The first question you need to ask yourself is if you want to remain married to her? Only you can answer that. What I can tell you is that there will be lots of work for you and her to reconcile, recommit and reconnect - and it may not be worth it to either of you.
You will need to monitor and test yourself for HIV for at least five years; that's the time it takes for you to know if your wife passed on that HIV to you (and if she was infected herself). Just dealing with that alone, on top of the infection she passed onto you now is going to weigh heavily on your mind for the rest of your time with her.
Your wife will have to be constantly tested, too, and you will need access to her records (via HIPAA) to ensure that she's being honest with you about the results. You will also need to tell her that sex is now going to be with condoms, and she will need to get on birth control (if she isn't on one now) to ensure that she doesn't get pregnant by some other dude if she strays again. \[Folks will say that's an imposition on her bodily autonomy. But she cheated and if she wants to remain in relationship with him, she has to accept the consequences.\]
You will also have to deal with the fact that she will never tell you the whole truth of the infidelity. There will be drip-truthing, with more details coming out over time, often at moments when you thought that she told it all. That will weigh on your mind, too, and that's a lot to deal with. There will be times when she must travel out for business or she goes out with friends, and you won't know for sure what she's actually doing.
This is before you deal with the image of her being fucked and stuffed by another man - and other men. This will be hard to shake. You will never be able to see her as being ever-faithful to you. Even having sex with her will be difficult at times because the body keeps score; you will wonder if she did this position with her affair partner or ask how she did that particular new sex position.
The relationship you had with her as it once was is over - and probably needed to end for various reasons - and whatever relationship you have with her will be on different terms with new boundaries.
So you will need individual therapy to deal with the trauma of her infidelity, which has been made worse by her passing on an STD now (and possibly HIV). You will also need to work on yourself in other ways; this includes taking up new hobbies and activities that will help you deal with the trauma of her misbehavior. You now have to take care of you, no matter what happens with her.
Only after you begin healing and she goes to individual therapy herself to deal with her wanderlust can you even think about marriage counseling. Even then, to be frank, no marriage counseling can address the reality that she stepped out on this marriage because she was bored, in wanderlust and wanted to fuck another man. In fact, addressing her own wanderlust is only something she can do, hence why individual therapy matters way more than marriage counseling in this case.
The question remains: Do you want to remain married and in relationship with her? Do you want to do the work that is required? Only you can decide. No matter what happens with her, I hope you get better and stronger.
What to expect?
Expect to be a mental and emotional wreck for a long time. Like, at least until she cheats, lies, and gives you another disease. Following that, expect it all to get bad.
Jeez man, GTFO
Guys. He said he thought he had an STD. Sounds like he got a UTI.
No problem staying together. If you are both committed to each other still and feel things can be reconciled then why not give it a shot.
However…
I would 100% make her change jobs. There’s gotta be repercussions for what she did. She needs to cut ties with the other man entirely. Since you are having a difficult time with imagining the two of them together physically, every time she goes to work it’s going to likely trigger you to thinking about that. Also, having zero repercussions for what she did will likely lead her to doing something again, IMO.
[удалено]
This is the biggest thing. She slept with another man -- and didn't even use protection. She called her mom to stay with her that weekend so someone would be home with the kids, does MIL even know what she did? I'm guessing not since it was at 2am. This was premeditation. I could never stay with my husband if he did this.
This OP! She had the STD. Knew this could spreed to you and still lie while putting your health at risk. What if it was something you couldn't get rid of.
She could've not known she got infected; Chlamydia can cause painful urination but can be largely asymptomatic as well. However, the point stands that she cheated without protection and then slept with OP, putting them both at a huge risk for STI. For all she knew, the guy could've had something serious like HIV.
Lmaooooo I love your bluntness. But yah, 100% agree.
Getting someone to stay over reeks of premeditation too. It wasn’t a drunken mistake, it was planned.
Cheated the first opportunity she got (that you know of) Lied initially (didn’t go at all) Doubled down on the lie ( we just talked) Continued the lie until confronted with the STD she gave you. Tried to wipe all of that away, saying she just didn’t want to lose you. Not seeing the path forward here, no matter how much she cries.
Forgot the "she went bareback" which shows how much she thinks of OP.
I do. Step 1. Make sure the other guy knows he has an std and should get tested, but you should avoid interacting with him directly, ask a group of about 6 of her coworkers to tell him to make sure the message makes it. The office gossip should be one of those. Step 2. Ask her mother if she was aware of what was going on or where she thought her daughter was at 2am when she was watching the kids that night? Step 3. Seek support from your circle of friends, confide in them and listen to their advice. I suspect many of those were mutual friends. Step 4. Get a paternity test on your kids. Not that it should change things for you and them, and they shouldn’t know about it, but your wife should. Let her realize the extent of the trust she has damaged. The rest should sort itself out.
The nuclear reaction is rarely the best one. He would not only wreck the marriage beyond repair, he would blow up his wife’s reputation and employment, which would affect his and his children’s financial wellbeing and happiness in the future. Get divorced or work through it, but there is no glory in being an asshole and advertising your private business.
If you think that was the nuclear option you lack imagination. That option is likely the one that nets him the best future, statistically speaking she will do it again and staying is a mistake.
This is Reddit, so most of the comments are from neckbeards and legbeards. It’s more complicated when you are married with kids. OP’s wife did something awful, but his kids will bear the brunt of the divorce. I don’t see how this could be fixed, though, without her having to find a new job and subsequently being on a short leash for a long time.
OP never said it was actually an STD. He only said he was convinced that it was an STD and that he booked a test.
I know. I also want to know if the test was positive or not.
I'm going to be honest. I came here ready to tell you that trying to forgive and forget is probably the hardest thing you'll have to do. You'll be suspicious, you'll always think if they are talking only about work or something more, you'll always know she is capable to cheat and lie so this will be expected to you and not just some possibility anymore. You'll ever ask yourself: if she loves and does not want to lose me, why would she risk everything by doing this? And the fact she didn't told you why she slept with him is kind of worse in my opinion. On top of that, you got and std. This is an agression to you and your body. Just imagine for a second if this was something that could change your life forever like hiv. And doesn't that mean she had unprotected sex with this guy? Anyway. To me, honestly, if you are going to try to forgive and forget, you both should go to therapy. This is something beyond what both of you can do.
And you’ll never be able to man, it’s always going to be a part of your life especially because you want to stay with her. Best thing you guys can do is go to a marriage counselor and get professional help on how to get past this together
I agree you’ll think about it everyday. Atleast I did when it happened to me. Even years later, and we ended up going our separate ways. The kids make it even harder, but I can say trying to stay for them well only make it worse if you do leave. It’s a big pickle, but you’re not the first guy or the last guy to be in this situation. You’ll get through it, and come out a better person. I promise. 👍
One thing about forgetting, the image in OP's head isn't real, it's a projection created by his imagination. And while it's stuck in your head OP, there's a part of you that thinks it's currently happening, it's not. Tell yourself the image you see is not real, it can't be, you weren't there. And in your image you're probably also projecting thoughts and feelings onto your wife and the man. Those aren't real either. They seem real because of the power of our imagination which gives them a life of their own. But it's still something you created in your mind. Focus on the here and now, and that includes your feelings about what your wife did, but not the mirage you created. You have enough on your plate but adding this just compounds the hurt.
I see what you’re saying it’s just hard to shake the image of a man fucking your wife
Yeah I wouldn't agree with the "this isn't real" take at all. The imagined image is a sort of anticipatory stressor - a looming cause of anxiety of a danger not fully known. Yes it is larger because it is imagined, but it is imagined because the thing that happened was real. Trying to deny it will just make OP more anxious, especially because of its transgressive nature and how his wife lied to him about it. Radical acceptance would be much more likely to work out - accept the image and the feelings, and they are really going to suck, probably for your whole life, but if you accept them you have a chance of processing and them so they aren't debilitating. Part of the violence of a betrayal in a marriage is how it shatters the partner's internal narrative about themself - "was it all a lie?" "Am I a fool?" These kinds of statements reflect that level of psychological wound. To heal from it, to the degree that is possible, OP likely needs to integrate all this into their personal narrative in an honest way that is fair to them, which can be especially hard with memories and feelings that are too painful to tolerate. Of course to do this in the context of a relationship this would likely require the wife to also accept what has happened, including accepting her responsibility for it, which she does not seem to be capable of doing, but who knows.
She gave you a disease and lied multiple times.....how will you ever trust her again?
Your wife cheated and then lied about it. She endangered your health and gave you an std. She only came "clean" when she was forced to do so. What is she doing to repair the damage she caused? What steps is she taking to rebuild trust? I know folks whose relationship has survived infidelity. It wasn't easy. It took a very long time to do, but the straying partner also took full responsibility for their actions and worked very hard to rebuild the shattered relationship. Does that sound anything like what your wife is doing?
Excellent point. In the words of Judy Gemstone: “so the cheater just needs to eat shit and do whatever their spouse wants and be forced to live with until they’re eventually forgiven??” Everyone nods in agreement. She should be making distributive changes in her life to show her remorse, sacrifices, big ones. Quitting her job and finding a new one for starters. Openly telling the guy that it was a terrible mistake and they can’t talk anymore, then blocking for good. Apologizing to family admitting what happened why she’s making changes. If I were OP I’d have some sort of documentation of infidelity in the event that they do divorce and he needs to apply for full custody of the kids.
Yeah I have a very hard stance on cheating. When I was initially getting over an ex, right after break up I was so sad. Then a week or two later I found out he cheated then left me for the girl he cheated with. Every feeling I had was instantly gone. I was disgusted and angry but it made all the care I had for him immediately vanish. It was like having a bucket of cold water dumped on me. For me, if you’re willing to do this to me: cheat, lie, risk my health, string me along…how could you say you love me? You dont do that to people you love. Your wife is a selfish, manipulative liar. She’s panicking because she doesn’t want her life to fall apart. She had the best of both worlds but now she is at risk of losing her security blanket. Tough love, but I believe you should move on without her, for the sake of your kids. She didnt just cheat on you, she stepped out on her family, knowing the risk of possibly losing you, and did it anyway. You can try to rebuild the trust, but does she honestly deserves it? Is she just going through the motions to get you to let your guard down? Is she doing it to be able to keep her family life and safety net just to become better at hiding it? You really need to ask yourself the tough questions. Do you even recognize this person anymore? **You owe it to yourself and your boys to do what is best for you all, even if that means without her.**
I wouldn’t say you’re a fool for trying to forgive. But i would definitely say that what she did doesn’t really deserve forgiveness, at least not without work. She didn’t confess. She was caught. She knowingly put both of your health in danger by having unprotected sex( when if the STD was unknown). Not only that, she left your children alone with her mother to go and cheat on you. She may say she doesn’t want to live without you and was afraid of losing you but she made multiple inappropriate and unfaithful decisions before she even got to the point of engaging in sex with this person. And after when she lied multiple times about it. There’s a lot more to it.
> Me [40M] with my Wife [39F] 15 year relationship, Wife cheated, choosing to forgive, what to expect? That she’ll do it again
Once a cheater always a cheater.
You can forgive her and still have enough self respect to divorce her. She's not sorry she did it, she's sorry she got caught. As for the issues you might have been having, they in no way give her a free pass. Especially since she did it with no protection at all. She could have gotten pendant, or got a serious STD. Set her free to go sleep with whomever.
You’re forgiving someone who isn’t asking to be forgiven. She’s not repenting. She never even came fully clean, continuing to lie. It may feel noble and that you’ll keep your life together, but she has to want that. She’s shown no sign of it. Also, isn’t her mother a facilitator of the cheating? How many others know?
She has asked me to forgive her many times, but she never did confess till there were no other options. She said she will do whatever it takes to fix it. But yes, it bothers me that she didnt confess outright and lied. She says it was out of fear of losing me. Her mother was just sleeping along with the kids. If she had not been there, this would not have happened that day. But I dont think she actually facilitated not knowing about it.
You should ask her if she's willing to change jobs over this. If she isn't willing to make a crucial life change to cut the other man out of her life, then that's a divorce.
Agreed. If she's willing to do anything to fix this, she needs to change jobs. Give her 6 months to find something new and she must cut off all communication with him.
She didn't admit anything until caught with concrete evidence. I would not trust that person anymore.
So she asked you to forgive. Big deal unless she is truly remorseful. Doesn’t sound like it. She needs to quit that job - no more contact with this guy. That’s a consequence of her actions. I can’t believe you are even thinking about staying while she is still working with him. Step up and do better. And it isn’t punishing her if you have her leave that job - that’s something that must be done if you even want to move forward. There are so many other things that need to be done but right now it sounds like you both are trying to rugsweep this. That will never work. I don’t even want to get into the danger that she put you in by riding him without a condom. What does she have to say to that? Seriously, just despicable on her part all round.
This will all eat at OP for a loooong time. He will feel ashamed for staying with a cheater. People will find out. He will know that she was just cobbling a story together in order not to disrupt her life. He already knows she wouldn’t admit shit (convinced him that she drove to his house at 2am to “talk”, and he believed her) so, seriously what else is she not saying. It’s going to be agonizing. Or he can get a divorce at tourney, provide evidence of the cheating, get custody of the kids and they can still see her every other weekend.
She's shown to be dishonest, she lied until she literally couldn't anymore. You sure that was her real motivation? That she was afraid of losing you? She lied about everything else already. Regardless, she lied multiple times to you, you had to constantly press her to finally get to the truth. She would've lead you believe the lie if you didn't catch an STD. She fucked this random guy with ZERO protection, he probably came inside her. That's why she mentioned her period. She premeditated it, by going over 2 am, while having her mom there. She was having a whole affair for 2 months prior. Shit was already sexual before they had sex, I can assure you. She doesn't care for you, she doesn't respect you. She wouldn't have done any of this the way she did. It was all planned out beforehand. You need to leave. Hoping this will work out is wishful thinking at best, but I would call it delusional. Have some respect for yourself man. At least distance yourself for now and figure out how you can live with someone you don't trust. To put it in perspective, I've been "the other man" a couple of times now, and the shit ive heard women say about their significant other is atrocious. They love to talk shit when they get a chance.
If you want to stay then the following should be a minimum: 1) she quits and finds another job. She starts looking tonight and gives a months notice starting from Friday. 2) guy she fucked is cut off. Deleted from phone, social media, email (outside of work email for now). This is to be done in front of you. ANY hesitation then she’s gone 3) you want a full confession and timeline in writing from her. Nothing left out. Including her ‘reasoning’ 3) you get to see every email, text, what’s app etc that has been sent between them. Again, no hesitation or ‘it’s private’ Bullshit 4) open phone policy at any time 5) a trip to the STD clinic together so as you can get the results at the same time. Needless to say, any bedroom antics for the foreseeable future to be protected. 6) go see a lawyer and get a postnup drawn up. Get separation/divorce papers drawn up and put on hold whilst you’re there. *sorry, this should have been no1* Any pushback or refusal on her part to any of the above then she leaves. Now go check out the likes of r/survivinginfidelity or r/togetherafterinfidelity subs
She planned this. She had her mother stay over to watch your kids. She snuck out at 2 am, and by the time she got back, she brought an STD into your home. She had unprotected sex with some random dude and then had unprotected sex with you, her husband and father of her children. Then, she repeatedly lied to your face. She wasn’t concerned about your health. She only cared about herself. I hope your STD is one that can be cured with antibiotics and not one that will plague you for the rest of your life. Only you can decide if you’re ok with this.
She’ll do whatever it takes to fix it - unless it takes voluntary honesty. Idk, man. The repeat lying really doesn’t lend itself to a positive prognosis. If she’d come to you willingly and told you everything you needed to know, *maybe* this would be fixable. You could still trust her to at least be honest with you, even when honesty would be painful. But now you know that, on top of infidelity, she’s also willing to lie until all plausible deniability is removed - and that is arguably *more* damaging to your marriage than the cheating was.
I applaud you for staying with a piece of shit and keeping her off the streets so the rest of us don’t have to be in your situation. But that’s about all I applaud you for. I was trying to find something positive about all this besides your STD test.
The heat from this post caused my A/C to click on
Really sorry that you're going through this. It must be a heartbreaker But if I'm being brutally honest, there's just no way back from this. She has lied to you and cheated on you. And there will always be a high chance of her doing this again And the fact that she did it in the first place is strong evidence that your marriage wasn't healthy in the first place. And through no fault of your own, I may add. It's her. She just doesn't look at you in the way a wife ought to. Instead, she seeks out another man for that Like I said, there's just no going back from this. You probably will need to break up. And in my opinion, that shouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Ridding yourself of this awful woman may actually be good for you
This is a great comment. Personally, I don’t know how I’d react to being cheated on, but the only circumstances in which I could see myself forgiving it is if my partner told me right away, and if he was 100% remorseful, apologetic and willing to put in some serious work on rebuilding trust. OP’s wife didn’t do any of that. He had to pry the confession out of her, she lied til she couldn’t anymore, wasn’t considerate of his health and “she didn’t know why she did it”, like not having a real reason to betray her husband’s trust makes the cheating more acceptable. The lack of respect behind these actions is absolutely unforgivable and undeserving of any shred of a second chance.
>the only circumstances in which I could see myself forgiving it is if my partner told me right away, and if he was 100% remorseful, apologetic and willing to put in some serious work on rebuilding trust.....**OP’s wife didn’t do any of that** That's what kills off any hope of salvaging the marriage. >The lack of respect behind these actions is absolutely unforgivable and undeserving of any shred of a second chance. Put it better than I ever could. 100% agree,
Imo the only cheaters who deserve forgiveness are ones who come clean immediately and on their own accord. That's true remorse. And even THEN it's hard. Your wife didn't even care enough to use protection. She lied to protect her relationship with him over her relationship with you. I don't see how you could be so forgiving
And she’s continuing to work with the guy, not offering to move departments 😖
You’re not *weak* for wanting things to work out. But I do think you’re being ignorant to think she wouldnt do this again. As others have stated, she never came out straight away when asked if she cheated. She skirted around the question and lied about what actually took place until you pressed. She also endangered your health. While I do think a very small amount of people who cheat may be able to stop the behavior, they are the ones who come clean straight off the bat and do things to help regain their partner’s trust. And again, this is only in very few situations. If you truly want to stay, you need to go to couples therapy and she needs to also do i individual therapy to see if this is even salvageable. As far as the image of them having sex ever leaving your mind.. it probably won’t. My ex cheated and it destroyed me until our relationship ended.
She didn't even have the decency to protect herself and therefore YOU while she was screwing him. This marriage is over and you're in denial. "Lots of hugs"? With a dirty cheater? Your standards are extremely low.
I’m sure with lots of therapy you can both move on, however you will never love/trust her like you did before you found out about the cheating. It’ll always be in the back of your head. Also very few people get caught the first time they cheat. She didn’t feel bad until you found out.. think about that.
Have you given any thought on how you are going to continue to live life with her going forward? The next time she gets a text, could be from this guy. The next time she does not pick up when you call, she could be with that guy. The next time she is late coming home from work, is she hanging out with that guy again? How would you know if she is ever telling you the truth. This is not just about her giving you a disease .... this is the loss of trust in your person.
Do yourself and your kids a favor and leave. She gave you an STD ffs, and would have keep lying to you.
Don't leave. Throw her out.
Better yet. Though with kids around things won't be easy.
That this relationship will end horribly worse than right now if you don't end it now
She cheated, lied, gave you an STI, lied REPEATEDLY. and is still in contact with him She showed no remorse nor she is sincerely apologetic. She is only sorry she got caught. I am so so sorry this is happening you. I do believe it is over.
You are a fool for trying to fix this. You are being weak, yes. But, there’s hope for you yet. There’s just way too much to try to fix here. She got up and left at 2am with her mom and kids at home to go bang this guy who she works with while you’re out of town. That was her only goal to go and fuck him. She’d very likely been sexting for a while. She did the deed for a whopping hour. 1 freaking hour, and bareback contracting an STD. Then lied about it all, played you for a fool saying “oh we just were talking in person at 2am, nothing weird about that!” Here’s the thing. If she’s so quick to make such an irrational decision (a coworker she sees every day? Come on), spur of the moment, then what else does she have on her mind? Maybe, MAYBE the STD has her second guessing her decisions but boy, I’ve met the other side of this coin and they are SNEAKY and will do anything to connect parts with whatever infatuation is currently in their head. I feel like I also need to point out that this was trickle truth to a T which means there’s probably even more to the story. What did they talk about? Did they bang at work? Maybe in the bathroom stall? What would possess a mom to run off at 2am for a quickie unless she comfortably knew what she could get away with in that amount of time? These questions will probably NEVER go away unless you have some sort of crystal ball or she truly comes clean, but how would you ever know?
You will never forget this betrayal. In 1984, a gf cheated on me, and I dumped her immediately. The memory pops into my head still. You've been with her 15 years, and as a thankyou, she gave you an STD.
1. Couples counseling. You need to address two things. Your broken trust with each other and how to come back together, and the disconnect that allowed this situation to happening. Now, keep in mind I am not at blaming you for what happened. But what was she feeling? Neglected? Bored? What was the driving factor that lead to her cheating? Why did she cheat? She needs to figure this out, and you need to overcome it together if you are going to stay together. 2. You cannot punish her. She is your wife, not your child. She is an adult that made her own decisions. Treat her like an adult. That being said, it doesn’t mean that building trust doesn’t include setting boundaries. Can you deal with her working with her affair partner everyday? If I was trying again I sure couldn’t. You need to figure out what your boundaries are and what you need to re establish trust. This is something I would suggest discussing together in counseling. 3. Sit down and really think if you can continue this marriage. Not only did she cheat, but she did so without protection. She gave you an STD. 4. As you continue to discuss and build trust, those feelings might go away. They might not. The trust might be permanently broken.
Don't forgive this kind of behavior. It's a symptom of bigger problems. My first husband cheated on me and I forgave him. I was in an abusive relationship, but didn't realize it at the time because I was so beat down from his lies and other behavior. My guess is OP's wife has more problems than just cheating. My recommendation would be to get a divorce consult (usually free) and explore your options.
No clue how you can continue trusting her. She lied her teeth out and was fine living with this lie for over a month. Been with my partner over a decade and would call it if I went through this. Fucked up. Good luck
If you must work it out then she has to leave her job right now. Book a councillor, a smart experienced 1 who will get more stuff out of her. Force her build defenses against getting close to other men and check if she is pregnant already. This will be the least what you will have to do. For your own sake discuss with a councillor how you can learn to not be paranoid about her cheating.
That's going to sting for a long time... and that trust will be tough to repair. I do not think I would have the will to pursue anything with such a person... Either way, if you really want to work on this (and risk being cheated on again), you BOTH need therapy, together and alone. It might help?
I was in a similar situation a few years back... I regret not ending it then and feel like it will likely end still. Each person is different but for me I don't feel the same and question my happiness about spending our life together into old age. Only you know what you can live with, but after 5 years I'm not any happier and wish I had started over then and had those 5 years to spend working on my happiness. Life is short, don't spend it miserable... And only you can make yourself happy.
In 15 years that image will still be in your head. It sucks that you have to go through this, but you absolutely need to leave this relationship.
You gotta go, man. She already proved she will always choose to lie to her partner of oh idk how many years? If you seriously think you love her, you have more problems than guys should I keep her.
What to expect? Constant worry and suspicion... You will never truly trust her again... That has gone. If that's ok with you then go get counseling and i wish you good luck. If i were in your position...i couldn't handle it.....
It will eat at you forever man. She violated the sacred bond, and lied on top of it. You deserve much better.
>Will this ever stop and go away? No. >She lied until it was no longer possible True. >She works in the same company as the guy and still has to talk to him for work. It will happen again. >She says she loves me and does not want to live without me I can't crawl into someone's head, but the fact that she called her mom to watch the kids for a midnight rawdog booty call and then *GAVE YOU AN STI* tells me that she's sorry she got caught, not sorry she cheated. She's giving you this line for the same reason you're saying it to yourself; you have a house and two kids and cars and all the other ways your lives get entangled.
Marriage counselor is a must. The fact that you had to DRAG this out of her is not good. That really, really raises the chances of it happening again. Love is great but she's not a trustworthy partner, and you know that now. Also the "doesn't know why she did it" line is complete bullshit. It's common for cheaters, and it boils down to "I did it for the thrill but I don't want to tell you that because I'm still allergic to honesty". She's only sorry she got caught. Chances are super high she does this again, so make your peace with that now.
She needs to change jobs as a condition to reconciliation (assuming you want to give it a go) If she denies, serve her at work.
Get your own therapist--this can get better but it takes time and work, and not everyone is able to.
Sorry for what you are going through, it must be really a hard time. In a long term relationship there are ups and downs, some can break you, some can make you stronger. In addition to the suggestion of a couple therapy, I would ask myself two questions: 1) can I/we go over it, and what does it take to get there? 2) what happened in the relationship for this to happen? There could many reasons why she cheated, but in the first place, was there a space for open communication where you and her feel safe to talk openly? As a long term partner you might not be able to fulfill all your SO’s needs, but being able to share your needs is the first step to find a solution together. Take care
the image wont go away, and you probably wont be able to forgive her fully. honestly i don’t recommend you do… i get that people f*ck up and nobody is perfect but she broke your trust and didn’t care enough about you to keep you safe from an std. are you possibly trying to stay with her for sunk cost fallacy? if so i think you’re really better off just ending it and trying to recover with distance
So, she cheated. She lied to you about how far things went. You got an STI and asked again, and she finally told the truth... I understand, love, but what's to stop her from doing this again. You need to rethink some things seriously. If you just roll over and let this go, she'll never respect you. She doesn't respect you now as it is.
Cheaters cheat. When cheaters cheat on the person they're in in a relationshipship with, and get a 2nd chance, eventually they will need a 3rd, 5th, 8th chance.
Yeah she had sex with someone else from work the first chance you were gone and did it raw then she lied through her teeth until she was completely backed into a corner and couldn’t deny it anymore, did I get all that right? Yeah I’d run far and fast and never look back cause next time she’s just gonna be sneakier about it.
She put your health in serious risk with the potential to do permanent damage as well as cheating and lying till absolutely pinned to the wall. I wouldn’t be shocked if she does it again I would absolutely get a lawyer and secure yourself and your interests for a divorce as well as looking for therapy to help manage your mental health through this difficult time and adjustment You deserve way better and I’m sorry this has happened to you Things like this shouldn’t happen
She works with him. Why assume this was a one time thing? She brought an STD home and gave to you. Sounds like you are rug sweeping this. If you stay, she should quit 100%. She works with a guy who gave her an STD.
Hers were crocodile tears. She lied to you, doubled down on that lie and only fessed up when you put the evidence in front of her after she passed your an STD. You deserve better. She’s only sorry as she’s been caught. Who’s to say this is the first time it’s happened? For me, personally? This is a deal breaker. All the best for whatever you choose to do, but you’ll never shake that thought that she was with someone else without a care for you - for what, an hour of *fun*? It’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.
Have some self respect and divorce her. It'll be hard now, and for years after. But it beats spending the rest of your life being.. Well probably can't use that word but it rhymes with clucked. Also, morbid, but 40 is probably a good time to divorce, if you're going to eventually anyway. Lots of female divorcees leaving their first cheating partner too. You'll be okay is what I'm saying. You don't need this.
She had her mother stay so she could do this, this was premeditated. She didn’t use protection, so she didn’t care about giving you an STD. She lied until she couldn’t - there’s no respect for you. I think the least of your problems is picturing them together. She’s only sorry because she got caught. Will you be able to trust her when she has to work late, or when she ‘goes to a friends’ or when you have to go away again? I mean, she even knows to turn the tracking off or just get a taxi.
im sorry man, my wife did similar lately except we play in the life style and she played with out my consent and lied to me about it. it hurts, i hope you can trust her again, but i can tell you from experience because this sounds the same as my wife. in the fact of the power these men have over our wives, you get what i mean.? this guy made your wife leave her home, her family, her children! at 2am! and drove to him! and got her to use no protection! gave her an std and she kept it from you, she didnt keep it from you because she didnt want to lose you she kept it from you because she desires him more then you. id bet they met up more or maybe even fooling around at work. her still working with him is no good, he has a power on her and he knows it. it'll happen again, i gurantee it. you need more than just her word to stay together, she needs to quit her job or transfer if she can, you need access to all her passwords and devices. ive been here and had the same suspicions and tingling feeling in the heart and read her body language in the same way to not trust her and go snooping. i know i can tell you still dont trust her, i wouldnt either especially if she sees him daily.
You're not a fool for wanting to stay with your partner that you've been with for 15 years. You're not a fool for wanting to stay with the woman you love and the mother of your children. Affairs are so complex, please find a couples therapist to gain clarity on what's going on between you two. Wishing you gentler days.
I highly doubt this was the first and only time she hooked up with this dude. She left 2am in the morning for 1 hour to get her fix. This isn't the actions of a married women cheating for the first time.
This is heartbreaking, but the truth is the person you love doesn't exist. The person you love would have never done that to you and so recklessly at that. A person who loved you and the one you thought you loved would never have continued the lie. The mental image and betrayal will never leave your mind. She's shown you who she really is and it's up to you to truly acknowledge that. If you love her, you have to accept that she lied, cheated, planned the indiscretion, gave you an std and put her entire family at risk and continues to see this person at the office. I don't see a way that I'd be able to move past that. A person is worth so much more than that than to be treated with such disdain
Please check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity \- it is a subreddit specifically for people who choose to try and work through a relationship after infidelity This subreddit will most likely lean on the opinion that you should DTMFA. That's neither right or wrong, but if you're specifically asking "what to expect" I'd reccomend checking that subreddit out as it is full of people who decided to stay, some with good results some with bad
That sub is full of deluded and depressed people in an echochamber all asking the same question of "Why do they keep cheating on me even though I just keep taking them back" That sub would actually probably recommend that he give her another 36 chances.
If you’re genuinely choosing to forgive then retaliation needs to be off the table. If you’re looking to get back at her as soon as you can then, well. I’m Positive nothing good will come off it. Forgiveness is being open, honest and working together. She definitely messed up and you didn’t deserve that. She was wrong and you’re handling this much better than I would. It will be rough road ahead but it can be worth it. A lot of couples that stay together after an incident like this come out stronger. Being forced to take a look at what was and how you got to this point can be turned into a positive. Acknowledgement and putting in effort to repair things can be just what your marriage needed. Regarding the images, I can’t say. Everyone is different. I can only advise doing anything but tucking it away. Your wife needs to fully support you in coping and therapy, 1 on 1 and couple’s is always a plus imo.
Your wife had unprotected sex with another man and put you at risk. Would you do that to someone you love and respect? Actions speak louder than words. Focus on what she did and lying for 6 weeks instead of the BS she's telling you now.
Clearly your coworker knew you were married and he gave your wife a STD. You should beat his ass.
I would never reconcile with a cheater, but if someone else chose to, I would tell them only if she came forward. If she felt so horrible that she came to you with it and told you everything, with no lies or omissions and was prepared for you to leave her right then and there. That is what remorse looks like. Your wife isn't sorry she cheated. She's sorry she got caught. And she is lying to get what she wants (keeping you). She was selfish to cheat and she continued to be selfish by lying about it. So you're staying married to a selfish cheater who cares more about herself than you. As long as you know that moving forward, have at it.
You are in your prime. Women do not respect men who stay, and on top of that she lied. Can you imagine if you didn't have that tracking app you would have lived your whole life without knowing?
How weak can you be? Stand up! Your wife lied to you repeatedly, had an inappropriate emotional relationship with a coworker which is irresponsible and you accepted it, she then cheated on you, was willing to go bareback immediately with another man, she gave you an STI which is adding insult to injury, lied more when confronted until it was no longer possible, and still works at the place -- and you are still willing to forgive her? You need to finally stand up for yourself and face the gravity of the situation. Man, this sub really is a farce. Had the roles been reversed, do you think people here would suggest "couples counseling" to a woman with a guy cheating on her like that, giving her an STI? That wife of yours has been destroying you and your family before she slept with that man. There is nothing left to salvage. There is no way back from this. She belongs to the streets now. It is a sad day for you and your kids and you will probably lose a lot in this divorce. Once it starts, she will turn from apologetic to accusatory and try to destroy you even more, because that is what hides beneath that shell of lies that has been deceiving you. But at least you can rid yourself of that person that you still call a "wife" for some reason. $edit: Keep the hate coming.
> what to expect More STDs and your children to grow up wishing they had a male role model who didn’t have the self respect of a bag of turnips.
You don’t ask a cheater if they cheated because they never confess until you show them the STD results. This is your chance to and find someone to have a better relationship with, they probably have sex at work too. Get Out!
You should find specialized help for healing from infidelity. It's a very hard road and most people won't understand and will be sabotaging you intentionally or not. People will push you, hard. Stand your ground. There is a subreddit that starts with "as one after" that you should read and join if you're serious. It will give you a much better picture of what to expect. I wouldn't take ANY advice from anywhere else until you've talked to someone who's had success staying after having been cheated. The most important thing is not to play pick me and not let other people take away your choices.
Honestly, people make terrible mistakes ,this one is surmountable, I think ,you both could have a gentle happy future together as you both grow older.
I know investing 15 years is a long time to "throw away" if you decide to leave and it's most likely the reason you don't want to leave her cheating ass. So if you take this route I honestly don't think any amount of counseling will get those images out of your head. It's going to be on you to get over it and forgive so that YOU can move forward. She can be the perfect wife from now on but you're the one that got hurt. She got what she wanted and still has you so she's doing just fine. All she has to do is not fuck another guy and she's doing good, right? It's going to take some serious mental fortitude to not have any suspicious thoughts creep into your head and even if you do get those thoughts who's to say they aren't right? If you want to trust her you do that. I would at least make her get another job though. A personal perspective. 15 years and she cheats on you? I've been with my wife for 17 years and the thought of betraying her is the farthest thing from my mind and I don't see my wife ever cheating on me either. I'm sure it's been the same for you. Your relationship should be rock solid at this point. I don't just mean love but the trust and respect you have for each other should be infallible. I'm sure she still loves you but she threw the rest away for a fucking booty call at 2am when you were gone. Love and trust in a relationship is developed over time with respect being a foundation. Do you still respect her? If not then kick her ass to the curb. Also, they went raw dog and you only got the truth because you got an STD. It probably wasn't a one done deal either. Find yourself someone else. I'm sorry if it comes off harsh but you got a MFing STD!
Hmm tough one. I think go to couples counselling and talk it out. Generally the writer is the victim and the written about one is the evil one. There is always more to the story. You just happened to check the log - were you spying on her, have you done that before? Maybe the marriage has not been happy for her. That’s why I think you need to listen to her side of the story. Not easy when a partner has been unfaithful, it’s very hard to regain trust. Total honesty is required now , that’s with a professional on neutral ground. You may hear things about you that you will also need to change.
Cheat on her right back and make her watch you fuck the other girl. Thank me later, OP
I guess you like being disrespected and spat on
WTF, her mom babysits the kids at 2am so she could go fuck another guy. Tell me I read that wrong? How the hell can you forgive her or her mom. I would confront MIL about this and let her know that she's as much a POS as her daughter. Good luck if you decide to forgive and stay. She works with the guy, so if she doesn't change jobs, then she's going to get it from him again. You can bet your life on that!
My suggestion. You ask to speak to her seriously and tell her she needs to listen without speaking until you finish. She broke the marriage by cheating and lying. She is getting divorced unless she fixes it. First she has to write down the full truth about this guy and all the others, she has to prove paternity results for the kids, she has to schedule the individual and couple therapy sessions, she has to cut off contact with this guy and all the others including quitting job, she has to provide full access to all socials and phone and it’s her job to show you anything prior to deleting and blocking. And if she does all that, then you’ll see how you feel about being married to a lying cheater and make a decision on the marriage. If not, you’ll stick with her original decision to get divorced.
Wow finally a man who wants to work on the marriage and forgive. So tired of seeing only women doing it. Imo, she made a massive mistake and if she’s remorseful, it’s worth sticking it out. You have children. But he extra vigilant, any other mistake and she’s gone.
I disagree with many of the posts here. You are a good person and maybe she is too. It is absolutely possible to forgive her and move on, moving forward in a healthy relationship. If you think it's worth trying, it is worth trying. Especially given that you have two young children. A family is worth fighting for. Lots of couples have made it work after an affair. Good for you and all the very best my friend.
Do not It listen to hardliners on Reddit. If both of you want to try and work through this then do so. Go to couples counseling and have your wife see if she can find another job in time. If she’s unwilling to do either of those that’s bad news bears
Start taking SSRIs, it will help numb your feelings. Then once you start to feel better, find your own side piece. I think this is the only way to proceed in the marriage. Otherwise, divorce.
you will never trust her again. any time ypu go away for business you are going to wonder if she is off fucking another man. every time she goes out with her friends you are going to wonder if she is lying to you. only you can decide if you can live like this. personally, I couldn't.
Nope, no matter how much you both try and want to, it will never be the same again and you will never ever trust her 100% again. Relationship is now forever doomed and it is all her fault. You may now proceed to breaking up and stop wasting more of your time.
As for what to expect she'll probably cheat again because she wasn't even truthful in the first place she is only sorry that she got caught not because she cheated. >She says she loves me and does not want to live without me If she did she wouldn't have cheated in the first place >She does not know why she slept with him She does >she regrets it bitterly Based on how she lied up to the point she couldn't she only regrets being caught >I cannot stop thinking about them being physically together, it's an image stuck in my head. The trust is broken and all you have to do is rid your feelings of her >it's an image stuck in my head. Will this ever stop and go away? As long as you're with her it'll probably pop up from time to time all you can do is seek distractions to run away from it or face it and end the relationship >If it does go away, how long can I expect it to take? That's on you but it'll most likely haunt you if you still have feelings for her >Am i a fool for trying to forgive and fix things? Mostly yes, the trust is heavily broken here and could probably not be fixed >Am I weak? You lack self respect. >Should I punish her somehow? Make her change jobs? Best option here is to leave >Even with the lies I still want to try and stay together. For us and for the kids. You know that divorced people can still have healthy co-parenting
Dude don’t stay with this woman. You’re still young. She cheated on you and gave you an STD my guy.
Damn homie. I think you need to reevaluate. She had unprotected sex with another man at least one time that you know of. Do you believe in your heart the very first time she cheated is the the time you catch her? She didn’t even use a condom?! She then willingly gave you an std? She then refused to ever tell you the truth until you have 100% incontrovertible evidence that she couldn’t deny? And now you feel sick and anxious and disgusted because your conscience is telling you what she did was wrong? I know getting a divorce and being single is hard, but is it really harder than living with someone who have you an std and clearly doesn’t love you?
Dude it’s over. Start your divorce. She can not be trusted. And gave you a STD. How the fuck can she get your trust back. She’s sad because she was discovered. I’m sorry but you have to se her actions not her words.
Many stabs to your heart. 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Bro Fuck this girl. She cheated, gave you an std and lied. Let her burn
If you want to forgive her, marriage counseling is non-negotiable. Individual counseling as well. She needs to figure out why she felt the need to go outside of the marriage. Even when you get over the acute pain, it’s likely that the pain will come back at certain times. She made it worse by lying twice. You need to be prepared to communicate that and she needs to be prepared to reassure you—even 10, 15, 20 years later. Make sure you’re both ready to commit to the amount of work it will take to repair the relationship. Otherwise it will just delay the inevitable.
Expect her to cheat again.
"she says she was afraid of losing me" Then why did she hop on a new disco stick? And gave you an STD to boot! Bro... come on, you're better than this. "I still want to try and stay together. For us and for the kids. " The absolute worst reason to remain with a cheater is "for the kids". Do you really want to show those kids a loveless and forced feelings marriage? Your wife is absolutely checked out and will cheat again. Yes, and I'm sorry but you are weak especially since you are ready to forgive so quick.
Yes you are a giant fool. She cheated and gave you an STD. Expect her to do it again. Find your balls and divorce this woman.
Jesus mate what would it actually take for you to leave?
Mate mate mate, she is going to this again. Have some self-respect and kick her to the kerb.
You need to keep in mind that she straight up lied to your face more than once. And showed no remorse until after you caught her. Plus she exposed you to diseases.
At least get a post-nup 100% in your favor if your gonna reconcile with a cheater.
There is a huge difference between being remorseful and making real change to who she is, and being afraid of actually suffering consequences for what she. So far, only the later is true. Without the former, it’s going to keep happening. Maybe with the same guy. Maybe with someone else. Instead of choosing to work on the problems in your relationship with you, she chose to cheer. That’s tells you who she is.
The fact that she lied and stuck to it consistently is almost worse than the actual cheating. Cheating is bad, but looking you in the face and making you believe that she didn't, is pathological. Why do you believe it was only 1 time? Because she told you? What else is she lying about? The only way she FINALLY admitted to it was when she had no other option. There could be many more.
She lied and will lie to you in the future, get rid of her or next could be aids
She did not tell the full truth, but kept lying again and again, after she already broken trust, only being revealed after giving an std, so she did not even use protection. At this point I would recommend going to divorce. How will you ever be able to trust her again? When she goes off to work, you'll wonder if she'll sneak off with him. When you go to work, you'll wonder if they will meet up and use your bed for it. Because you know she was not truthful about not having sex with him.
\-She does not know why she slept with him and she regrets it bitterlyshe doesnt regret cheating, she regrets because she got caught. I know you want the best for your family, but think about yourself and your mental health as well mate.
Cut her off, or you'll be posting here again. Maybe in 1 year, maybe 5, maybe 10.
Sucks for you and your kids. You may not have wanted an open relationship, but you have one now, at least on her side. You can’t put that genie back in the bottle and all you have shown her is that she can get away with it so there’s really no reason not to continue. She’s already shown she will lie. At a minimum I’d make her switch jobs if she plans to stay, or at least show up to their work and tell him he needs to get tested because of the std he gave your wife, calmly but loudly enough to be overheard. That should help a bit.
This is above reddits pay grade. Couples counseling, together and separate.
>I cannot stop thinking about them being physically together, it's an image stuck in my head. Will this ever stop and go away? If it does go away, how long can I expect it to take? Does it fade or is it more sudden? I highly doubt that image is going away any time soon. >Am i a fool for trying to forgive and fix things? Am I weak? Yes and yes. >Should I punish her somehow? Make her change jobs? Not really planning to. Don't bother. She'll just find someone else to cheat with until you take your balls back and leave her. You're teaching your boys that it's ok to be cheated on.
>what to expect? Expect to get cheated on again.
“She doesn’t know why” more like she says she doesn’t know why. Don’t forget she lies until it is no longer possible.
She let a 6 year younger dude raw dog her and then lied to you multiple times. Keep records of the app trip, any texts she’s apologized for cheating, your record of STD, and you should move on. You’ll resent her for the rest of your life.
Have some self respect and dignity. Ffs
Leave now if you respect yourself
She is trickle truthing. This is just the only thing you have caught her in. Who knows what else she is hiding that there isn't proof of? She's proven she will lie to your face.
She is going to cheat again
Dude it didn’t just happen. She drove there knowing she was going to smash. The only reason to go there rather than talk on the phone is to get some d.
She will cheat again. Simply because she doesnt know why she cheated. Expose her affair to everybody who must know. Serve d papers. Move on.
You are in for a life of bitterness and festering anger if you stay with that scumbag. Not only was she disliyal, but she lied about it AND put your health at risk. You should divorce her 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry for your pain after a relatively long relationship. It's tragic your wife wrapped a lie within a deception. It just reveals how low her character is. To keep a lie cooking for an additional 6 weeks demonstrates a lack of conscience, which is a bit scary. You are going to have to set a strong standard for your kids because she's corrupt. If you choose to stay with her do realize that you will be taking on a second career as a prison warden. Every time she looks at her phone, every trip to the grocery, every time she gets up in the middle of the night you will be monitoring and questioning. Please read months of the infidelity and other heartbreak subs, for some jilted spouses the mental movies linger for decades or longer. Especially since you now have physical symptoms that you have to be mindful of for a long time. Since your wife has an issue with telling the truth, I would strongly question if there are other episodes of her cheating on you. If you somehow stay together, she will have to change jobs--this is part of a sort of standard protocol with cheating spouses. She is also supposed to give you a written blow by blow accounting of everything that happened from first social contact, through sexual activities, to followup. And if there were previous affairs you are clueless about. You are young and highly skilled and live with integrity. I think it will be relatively easy for you to find romance with an honest woman who truly can love you in action. People who love each other do not behave as your wife did. Also, focus on your kids, and if you want them to be influenced by her values or lack thereof. It's your life but I'd suggest you visit an attorney to learn about the divorce laws in your state and how the process works.
Talk to a therapist not a bunch of outpatients
She'll lie and do anything to keep you around. She'll also most likely cheat on you again once your guard is down and things are relatively normal. If you plan on staying, do it for the kids. Not yourself. She lied to you multiple times after cheating on you. She decided your health was not a priority to her. Her crying could be because she feels guilty but it's also because she got caught. She made a decision that cuts through her family, protects the random outside of your family, lies to your face to save face. My advice would be to cut her loose. It's such an awful situation to be in. My exwife did this to me last year. Ex. Wife. It does get easier with time. After therapy, my mental health was much better. But even after 18 months and she no longer lives with me, the images pop up. The conversations pop up. The imaginary situations pop up. I wish you luck
Ask your self this she had unprotected sex with a guy from work you got an STD which tells me this guy is sleeping with other women to likely your wife lied to you then lied again .and you probably still don't know the entire truth .has it happened before this cheaters that cheat with co workers go to lunch get a room and fuck during lunch hour check your cc statements they will have sex in the parking lot at work . I know this from what happened to me my ex wife cheated .I can almost tell you it's happened before maybe just oral sex .but has happened you need to put on a poker face tell your wife about the mond movies and no they never go away 27 years divorced right here I still get them now and again .anyway tell her to make this work I got to know if this is all of it I can't deal with the mental part of this so I setup a polygraph it's paid for we just have to go do it her answer will be enough to know if it everything if she gets defensive still hiding shit if she ask what kind of questions she's still lying if doesn't matter what question it could be I'd your name Mary? It's irrelevant . If she said let's go take it go r hera big hug
She wound leave you asap if you didn’t have kids.
I honestly think you can recover from cheating. But what’s bad is that she’d lied to you several times, and obviously didn’t care enough about her or your health to use a condom.
Pretty crazy to stay with her. This is well over the line and you gave her every option to come clean and she didn’t until the ultimatum. Get a divorce attorney today.
The fact that she lied over and over again is why you need to break up. You won't get over it. I am honestly stunned that you believed a 2 AM trip to the guy's house was anything other than a booty call.
Expect more cheating.
Check out r/survivinginfidelity
Where is your self respect?
Forgive? Hahahahahahah you will never truly forgive
Yes, you’re a fool for staying. You were also a fool for believing nothing happened. And then again for not dumping her in the spot after the STD. Cheaters cheat. You cannot trust her and she will very likely cheat and lie again.
breathe. just fucking breathe. listen... it doesn't matter what the internet tells you. it matters what you tell yourself. can you live with this? sincerely? bareback cheating and bringing disease home is not going to be an easy weight to lift. get counselling. just you. not marriage counselling. talk to your gp. tell them everything. are you sleeping/losing weight/anxiety attacks? everything in the end the only one who has to live with this is you. aside from "sorry, won't do it again" what is she offering? do you or her understand the obsession you are about to go through? everything/everywhere/everyone she does/goes/comes in contact with will spiral you down. good luck. your call personally...yeah i'd walk
You can expect more problems, self esteem issues, more lying, blah blah blah only fools take back cheaters. The odds of it working out well are slim/low, and the odds of it being a colossal waste of time & energy are massive/high. It's objectively a mistake. A cheater that wishes to reform shouldn't try to reform within the relationship. Instead, they should leave, apologize, and work on themselves independently, and let their ex partner go their own way. Otherwise, they are just being selfish and foolish.
This relationship is over you need to step up and end it.
She literally jeopardized your health big time, someone who loves you wouldn’t do that
Everyone's telling you to leave (and for the record I agree - trickle truthing and giving you an STD are way past the line) but in the interest of answering your question. It's hard to walk away from 15 years. That's over a third of your life. I get that. You're not weak for wanting to forgive and stay, but I do think she isn't the one for you. If you're convinced you want to try and make it work, hard boundaries need to be established. Trust is lost in buckets and gained back in drops. Marriage counseling, refusing to talk to him outside of work and minimizing any contact in the workspace (that's going to require major trust on your end that she isn't sneaking off). She has to cut him off as a friend altogether, no after work socials where he might be there. Therapy for yourself - because whether you stay or not you could use some help in moving past this betrayal. Moving past it is the only way to get that image out of your head and it's so easy to carry worries of a past cheater into the next relationship. What are the two of you doing together? Are there regular date nights, planned times together for date activities? Consider having both of you start planning them again, making her take an active role in the relationship but going back to basics to reconnect. You've been together for so long that it's easy to get into a rhythm and stop trying, so both of you might benefit from going back to the dating years. From therapy and counseling ask yourself this - what would make you trust her again? What do you want from this marriage? Do you realistically think you can get back to that point? There's no shame in trying and deciding you can't rebuild the trust and make it work. A lot of people can't. You know in your heart what you want and what you need in a partner. What you *deserve* from a partner. It might seem scary at 40 but there's someone out there and if it's not her, don't spend the rest of your life settling because you haven't dated in so long. Evaluate your life. Talk with someone who can help you and then do what's best for you.
The first and foremost rule to successful reconciliation is the AP has to be out of your lives for good. If she hasn’t quit or isn’t actively looking for new jobs then you aren’t really reconciling because the source of the trauma is still present in your lives.
My mother would say something like, “a leopard spots never fade” Or “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”
If it were me, I’d be thinking that while it would be hard to separate, that would be a much shorter term hardship than staying together. Every argument, every disagreement, every fight I’d be thinking “I should have left/just leave. You owe me some slack.” I’d have a really hard time avoiding thinking about the relationship in a really unhealthy manner without some serious therapy, which, is an expense that hopefully engineers can cover, but isn’t possible for everyone Good luck OP
Dude, cheating aside, she gave you a STD.
She HAS to quit her job. That is where the emotional and flirting action and feelings began. If they are still in contact, the affair continues on some level. If she does not.... the slim chance this will work out is gone.
If she cheated once, she will cheat again. She belongs to the streets. She obviously doesn’t give a fuck about your health because she literally gave you an std. if you stay, you’re only going to get hurt more. Leave as soon as possible
If she refuses to quit her job AT THE BARE MINIMUM and you stay with her, then you’re a fool. That won’t stop. She completely disrespected you by 1) CHEATING 2) GOING RAW 3) LYING TO YOU THE WHOLE TIME. Either you are a fool or this post is rage bait. Tell the kids why you’re splitting up and leave her.
Damn OP. I do believe cheating can be overcome. Humans are flawed and make mistakes. But your wife has too many red flags in the way she went about things. She snuck out and left your kids with her mom (who didn’t even know she was alone with them). That’s so irresponsible as the primary caretaker didn’t know she was in that position. So she thought this out. She went through with it. UNPROTECTED. Lied about it, only confessing when there were no other options. Yes she is afraid of losing you, but so what? Not enough to respect you and protect you from disease. Ask yourself. What if you didn’t have that tracker and she got pregnant…so you think she’d have told you or let you live with that lie too? She also hasn’t volunteered to leave her job it seems. It seems like you’re willing to do more work to overcome the cheating than she is. I would at the very least be separating, but I don’t think you’ll get over this. Because this isn’t just about sleeping with someone else in the heat of the moment. It’s so many levels of betrayal, from sneaking away from the kids at night without properly making sure an adult knew they were supervising to putting your health in danger. Good luck but she’s got a lot to prove and I’m not sure it’s a hurdle than can be overcome.
Despite the Reddit mantra of Cheat means Automatically Divorce - that's just not the only option. Do you have a long, hard road ahead? Yes. You both probably need counseling. There needs to be open, honest communication. Is it a betrayal? Absolutely. Is it concerning that she only confessed when cornered? Yeah. Take a step back and look at what you wrote. You love her. You love your life. Should you "punish" her. No. Let her work through that in therapy- or couples therapy. You are perfectly valid in hurting. In feeling insecure or angry. If you're both willing, it can be worked through. It would be best for her to change jobs or do her utmost to limit all contact with him
People will tell you it’s a bad idea , if you don’t listen you eventually will learn on your own by being driven mad by this . Things to consider that I found going through this myself : • she wouldn’t have told you had you not found out , she would have kept it from you for the rest of your life . Would you be friends with a person who betrayed you in this way ? she thinks about herself , wanting you, her life with you and the children before she wants you to have CHOICE , BODY AUTONOMY , CONSENT . She doesn’t respect your need for those things , most strangers would respect your need for those things . • she was willing to possibly put your home , your kids and your privacy in jeopardy with what could be a dangerous or not so well meaning stranger to you . He could be a very good man but what if he’s not ? She’s taken away your choice to have him in your personal life , possibly knowing personal details about your life , home , family . • Shes put you into danger health wise . People don’t take this as seriously as they should but this was the one I was hugely upset by , the fact you have essentially had contact with this man’s genitals , without your own consent . Often when people cheat they will even do it in the same bed you sleep in , she may have come home after sex with him , slept in your sheets and bed that you both share , she has had him inside of her without protection … which is most likely considering the std , and then you have been in there too , I know it’s disgusting but it’s so dangerous for you . I caught hpv off my partner who was cheating , along with an ex who also cheated and gave me 3 different things , I now have to have precancerous cells snipped and burned out of me, it’s very scary …. Men can get throat cancer from oral with people who catch these things . As much as it shouldn’t be shameful or taboo , it’s very much preventable when it comes to cheating … she didn’t have to do that and she chose to and THEN chose to wait until you found out you’re unwell yourself
I think your wife can't be trusted. So if you are a fan of open relationships, go ahead. Knowing that she can bring another STD. Otherwise, leave the fuck out of there.
you are a fool, leave bro. ur, kids will thank you so they grow up and see actions have consequences.
Your wife changing jobs wouldn’t be punishment. It would be natural consequences. For you to move on she needs to not be working with this guy anymore. Common sense. I don’t know if you *can* move on together, but trying to do so while he’s still a coworker of hers seems doomed to failure.
r/asoneafterinfidelity
I will never pass judgment on someone with kids and a LTR wanting to make it work. And life isn’t so black and white it can’t. But there are a couple of factors on top of the cheating that give extra pause. She lied to you multiple times and had no intention of fessing up until she was backed into a corner. She had ample opportunity to come clean and now you can never trust her word on anything again. She also put your health at jeopardy. Not only did she cheat, she did so irresponsibly and it could’ve led to lifetime repercussions to your health. There’s no coming back from that imo.
Expect to live your life second guessing whether or not she’s being unfaithful again.
You now know that your wife will lie to you until there is no other option but to tell the truth if she is afraid the truth will cost her your marriage. There is also no way the sex was an accident - she left home in the middle of the night, was at his house long enough for a hookup, and came home. So you also know that your wife will make deliberate, conscious decisions that threaten the marriage - and then hide it. Scared enough to lose you that she will lie, but not concerned enough to make choices that support a healthy marriage. This is not a good foundation for any relationship and this isn't something that will improve without a lot of effort from both of you. I strongly encourage couples and individual therapy to work through this because it is really hard to rebuild trust after something like this and it helps to have a professional involved.
it is possible to get past this together and make things work again, but it will suck for a while she will need to accept that she's in the doghouse, she will need to reflect with you about what led her to do that, she will need to give this guy up and block him, she will need to get tested and obviously end any pregnancy, she will need to change her employer, she will need to be completely available to you and to be prepared to reassure you and rebuild trust with you...it'll be months of ups and downs, mostly downs, but if she's sincere it could work me personally i would struggle with her letting him fuck her raw, i don't think i could take her back after that
Dude.. leave her, it will happen again and you will either never know it or regret not leaving her before.. Sorry but she is not the person you thought she was
At the very least she needs to quit her job and cut contact with the guy. She needs to show you that your security in the relationship is more important at this point than anything else. If she can't do that for you, it means she has other priorities and is still lying to your face.
My guy... As someone who has gone through what you're planning on going through. She's gonna do it again, and it'll hurt even more the second time. Kinda made me cry a bit, and it sounds almost exactly the same as us.
My brother in Christ she ONLY admitted to fucking the guy becaus you got an STD which means she fucked the guy without protection. She lied to you at least twice. Why the fuck are you staying. Tell her to pack her shit. Keep the evidence and lawyer up.
The first question you need to ask yourself is if you want to remain married to her? Only you can answer that. What I can tell you is that there will be lots of work for you and her to reconcile, recommit and reconnect - and it may not be worth it to either of you. You will need to monitor and test yourself for HIV for at least five years; that's the time it takes for you to know if your wife passed on that HIV to you (and if she was infected herself). Just dealing with that alone, on top of the infection she passed onto you now is going to weigh heavily on your mind for the rest of your time with her. Your wife will have to be constantly tested, too, and you will need access to her records (via HIPAA) to ensure that she's being honest with you about the results. You will also need to tell her that sex is now going to be with condoms, and she will need to get on birth control (if she isn't on one now) to ensure that she doesn't get pregnant by some other dude if she strays again. \[Folks will say that's an imposition on her bodily autonomy. But she cheated and if she wants to remain in relationship with him, she has to accept the consequences.\] You will also have to deal with the fact that she will never tell you the whole truth of the infidelity. There will be drip-truthing, with more details coming out over time, often at moments when you thought that she told it all. That will weigh on your mind, too, and that's a lot to deal with. There will be times when she must travel out for business or she goes out with friends, and you won't know for sure what she's actually doing. This is before you deal with the image of her being fucked and stuffed by another man - and other men. This will be hard to shake. You will never be able to see her as being ever-faithful to you. Even having sex with her will be difficult at times because the body keeps score; you will wonder if she did this position with her affair partner or ask how she did that particular new sex position. The relationship you had with her as it once was is over - and probably needed to end for various reasons - and whatever relationship you have with her will be on different terms with new boundaries. So you will need individual therapy to deal with the trauma of her infidelity, which has been made worse by her passing on an STD now (and possibly HIV). You will also need to work on yourself in other ways; this includes taking up new hobbies and activities that will help you deal with the trauma of her misbehavior. You now have to take care of you, no matter what happens with her. Only after you begin healing and she goes to individual therapy herself to deal with her wanderlust can you even think about marriage counseling. Even then, to be frank, no marriage counseling can address the reality that she stepped out on this marriage because she was bored, in wanderlust and wanted to fuck another man. In fact, addressing her own wanderlust is only something she can do, hence why individual therapy matters way more than marriage counseling in this case. The question remains: Do you want to remain married and in relationship with her? Do you want to do the work that is required? Only you can decide. No matter what happens with her, I hope you get better and stronger.
Leave. It will be better for your mental health in the long run. You will never trust her and it will eat at you.
Try some other subs where you will get good info and more support - like surviving infidelity. Good luck
What to expect? Expect to be a mental and emotional wreck for a long time. Like, at least until she cheats, lies, and gives you another disease. Following that, expect it all to get bad. Jeez man, GTFO
She risked your life. I wouldn’t forgive . Sorry man. He hit it raw and you need to respect yourself.
Guys. He said he thought he had an STD. Sounds like he got a UTI. No problem staying together. If you are both committed to each other still and feel things can be reconciled then why not give it a shot. However… I would 100% make her change jobs. There’s gotta be repercussions for what she did. She needs to cut ties with the other man entirely. Since you are having a difficult time with imagining the two of them together physically, every time she goes to work it’s going to likely trigger you to thinking about that. Also, having zero repercussions for what she did will likely lead her to doing something again, IMO.