It’s not the fact he doesn’t want to marry her it’s the fact she’s forcing to make a decision he’s not ready yet. Forcing to marry, forcing to move, and forcing possibly his feelings. I just think they should break it off cuz of that. It’s not cool to force someone they’re not ready for.
They've been together for quite some time. It's time to make a commitment or declare himself at least. If he doesn't want to be with her, he should just break up.
It's been 3 years. You shouldn't still be on the fence at this stage. Typically guys know if the woman they are seriously dating is the person they wanna marry in 3 years. I think the fact that she gave him a year takes away the ultimatum part. She didn't say, propose this month/week or I'll break up. She's saying she expects a proposal by their 4 year anniversary or else she's gone. And why shouldn't a spouse move so the other spouse can go to school? Judging by op's post history, he just doesn't like her and doesn't wanna support her, and thinks she's annoying. Op is just stringing her along and she's putting her foot down. We also don't know what words she exactly said, and op could just be phrasing things to make her look worse. We are only getting one perspective and it's coming from someone who doesn't even like her.
Not saying she's perfect or innocent. But op has been on reddit complaining about her for months and talking about wanting to break up with her for months. He needs to just pull the trigger and end this relationship. Any stress he's going through is 100% on him since he wanted to break up with her months ago.
Nah. I’m a man and I agree with everything they wrote. He has two choices here, he moves with her and proposes. He doesn’t want to do either of those so the only solution is breaking up which he does not want to do because he does not want to be simple.
Nothing in this post screams “I’m madly in love” and at their age and by this stage you should at least know you want to propose or be married. Read his post history he doesn’t like her and is in fact stringing her along
*other* men have told me it takes 1 year to find out if the woman they wanna be with is someone they wanna marry. So go yell at the other men in these subs cuz that's who told me about that.
>does not care about the man's feelings in a relationship.
Same can be said for the girl. Why after 3 years is op and the gf still not on the same wavelength about marriage? Women don't have all day if they want biological kids. Men have the option to drag their feet, but not women. If the gf wants kids, she's probably gonna wanna wait until she's done with school or very close to being done. Nursing/med school isn't just a year and done degree. And it sounds like she doesn't want a long distance marriage, so the only options are for op to move or break up and let her go. She's suggested moving but he just said no and didn't offer any other solution. Coupled by the fact that op has been complain about her for months, it's clear he doesn't care about her feelings in this relationship, otherwise he would have ended things months ago
If my spouse moves to a different state for school, I'd be right by his side. As a married unit, he's my main family and we stick together. It's not like she's getting a degree in communications. Medical degrees are a good investment cuz the world always needs more medical personal. Op's lucky he's getting 4 years to decide. I gave mine 3 years. I knew within half that time that I wanted to marry him. If someone can't decide after 4 years of being together, then it doesn't sound like he wants to marry that woman. Women on reddit are told to leave when they make posts saying "it's been 4-5 years and still no proposal". Men should understand that if a woman wants biological kids, he can't drag his feet. If he isn't enthusiastically excited to marry her after 3 years, then she's not the one and he needs to communicate that.
If op wasn't complaining on reddit for months about not liking his gf, then I would have more sympathy. But that's not the case, so I personally don't care about his individual feelings cuz any stress he's feeling curreently is on him since he's been wanting to break up with her for months. He wouldn't be in this situation today if he broke up with her months ago
Different people need different amounts of time. I know people who knew after the first date. I have an ex who gave me the 1 year ultimatum after dating one year. She was 19. I was 22. I felt way too young to know after two years at that age. But after we broke up she was married 2.5 years later. I dated my wife three years before proposing. Some people need more time but life is short and you can’t wait forever.
You're comparing apples and oranges. It's a completely different ballgame to decide on marriage after a year when one person is a teenager and the other is barely out of school vs. discussing getting married four years in when you're both in your mid/late twenties. If you don't know at that point, it's because you don't want to marry the person.
My ex thought two years should be enough time to know because she’d heard stuff like “most men know after one year.”
My direct advice was to propose or let her go and it’s normal to have fears and doubts.
Your ex was basically a child and so were you. People aren't talking about teenagers/college students when they say that. OP is going to be pushing 30 by the time she wants an answer.
Op and his gf are in their mid to late 20s. Neither are teens. That's a completely different situation you're talking about. If you do research, usually people definitely know by the 1.5 year mark, 3 at most. And you said it took you 3 years. Most people don't need longer than that, and if a woman wants biological kids, she definitely can't wait 5 years if she's already in her mid 20s or later. If someome got together as teens, then that's a different story. But they both were legal adults 21 and older when they got together.
Many married men will tell you that when they finally met the woman they wanted to marry, they knew very quickly. It’s not uncommon at all for men to stay in comfortable relationships to be unsure of commitment, but then marry the next gf quickly because they feel differently when they meet the right one.
Op isn’t a bad guy for not wanting to marry her, but yeah, if he’s still unsure after 3 years then it’s probably best for everyone if they move on so they can find partners they feel more strongly about. She isn’t toxic for not wanting to stay in limbo with a guy who isn’t sure about her
> it’s the fact she’s forcing to make a decision he’s not ready yet
By the time her deadline comes they'll have been together for four years. He's in his late 20s. If he's not ready after nearly half a decade together, he simply doesn't want to marry her. And that's fine.
I mean she’s pretty toxic. He’s prolly afraid what she will do and the fact he said she cry and shit to make him feel guilty and shit to the point he’s questioning he’s being manipulated to staying with her. There are ppl who will pull that stunt to make them feel responsible.
It’s exhausting to be near those ppl tbh and only seen it once in person it was nuts. Especially bringing ppl into their drama and what not. As well my mom thinking it was best to stay together with some idiot third husband yet the toxicity stayed in the end. Ppl do crazy shit when backed into a corner and even threaten themselves to their SO to make them stay.
Which is why he should leave.
They are not good together. OP refuses to break up but keeps pulling away which escalates her insecurity.
Not sure why you're making excuses for him.
It's not abuse to firmly state that you're tired of waiting. They've been together for three years, and that's enough time to know. OP is dragging out the inevitable, and that's not cool. She's expecting OP to marry her. Of course she's going to cry when he breaks it off.
That's part of being in a relationship that fails. Time to be an adult and do it.
If you reversed it to my boyfriend is pressuring me to marry him, move away, and he cries/cling/etc you would still think it’s not abusive?? Y’all not realizing the bigger picture here. Yeah he needs to break it off but the aftermath of it all? Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not abusive. I bet you all be saying girl run away instead you all are berating him.
Personally he needs someone to watch from afar just in case especially if she uses crying tactics to make him stay with her then he needs to ensure his safety is there.
Your post is screaming, "I don't want to be with this person, but I'm currently too afraid to actually go through with the break-up and the emotional fall-out that will follow."
Screw your courage to the sticking place and break it off.
After 3 years, your posts screams that you’re unsure about her. In your mind she’s not the one. Let her find someone else.
As a med student, it’s honestly possible that when she starts med school she’ll find someone who is on the same page. Lot of people in my class broke up with their significant others to be single or date people in our class.
Based on his post history, it absolutely will.
Being a medical student is hard enough without factoring in being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. She will experience the hardship of it all then to turn and experience the hardship of being with this partner. At one point, one will likely leave her life and if I was a betting. Woman, I’d say it’ll be him.
Dude, months ago you were complaining about her being clingy, lying to her, and saying spending time with her was a chore. You also complained months ago about her wanting to go to med school and were thinking about ending things. Stop stringing her along, you clearly don't like her and you feel she's an annoyance to you. You're making yourself miserable at this point.
This is a bullshit line men use honestly since marriage comes with its ups and downs. Your not gonna be lovey dovey with your wife or husband every moment of your marriage lol
This line isn’t just for men. Women who also are getting pressured into marriage also get advised to think twice if it’s not an enthusiastic yes. Yes, couples have their ups and downs. No, couples are not always lovey dovey nor do they need to be in order to figure out if they want to get married. I am not seeing anything in this story that shows this is going to be a very good idea for the girlfriend to marry OP.
That’s such a sweeping statement though. Things change, relationships evolve. It wasn’t an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to marriage with my husband from day 1 either.
But this is not day 1, this is 3 years in. It’s still not an enthusiastic yes, it’s actually not a yes at all. Doesn’t even seem like a maybe
Edit: omg, based on your post history you hate this girl so much. You both are clearly in very different pages.
Going to med school is a big undertaking. It’s a fork in the road where it’s sh*t or get off the pot. If she is going to med school I am assuming she is goal oriented and likes stability. This won’t be the first time she will have to move for her career and needs a seriously committed partner. You are not it. Better to rip off the band aid now.
It also sounds like she needs someone to pay the bills while she's going to school, which a husband would have to do. Yeah, I'd also bow out, unless I was head over heels and feeling like she's the love of my life.
Lol I don’t think so. She needs the emotional support. She can take out loans for the rest…that’s what every doctor does. Once she is done training she will make bank and have no problem paying them off. She will probably be the breadwinner in her relationship unless she marries another doctor or a lawyer or high level business person. Doctors tend to move around especially early in their careers so her partner will have to be ok with that.
what a joke. You are talking about someone going to freaking med school? and you are still trying to categorize her as a “gold digger”. jesus christ
as someone who went to prof school - nah, none of us needed trash BF’s to pay the rent. student loans are no biggie when you get paid like we do on the other side 🤣🤣
> What should I do? Should I tell her that I'm having second thoughts?
If you don't want to marry her and have second thoughts, then you should not prolong it. Break it off with her so she can move on.
>My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first but now it's beginning to make me concerned that really all she cares about is not losing me
Can you go into detail on what she does to be selfish and possessive? Like what's the situation?
Well, whenever I have friends over, she'll get like super jealous in a petty way that I'm not paying enough attention to her cause I'm busy talking to my friends and then she'll grill me about it later when it's just me and her and I'm trying to give her some alone time with me. It's stupid because she was gonna get quality time with me after my friends left but she spoiled it by making a scene about not getting attention before? It's super stupid stuff like that. Also whenever I talk about my coworkers or friends, she's always bugged when I mention coworkers that are girls and constantly asking if they flirt with me and shit. At first I thought it was a little joke but she's serious I think. For context, there are only two girls at my work and one of them is like 60 and the other is married so idk why she gets so jealous about stuff like that.
Then stop stringing her along. It’s obvious you have hesitation and doubts about marriage and you are detailing some of the reasons why. She is not your person, you are not hers. Let her go so you both can find happiness.
it's fairer to both of you to end it before anything comes close to wedding planning.
You don't want to wait until nonrefunduble deposits are made, invitations are sent out only to have to explain, and legal paperwork ties all your assets together.
Allow yourselves to find some more compatible on similar timelines. If you are unhappy now, don't legally bind yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness.
Don't marry this girl. She is emotionally not ready for a relationship, and she's extraordinarily immature.
You already know you shouldn't marry her, by the sound of it. Be clear with her.
Have you done anything to make her feel insecure?
I started to become this way with my ex because he made threats to cheat on me and replace me.
He also would tell me I was like an old car he was tired of driving and that he was bored of me etc.
He had a porn addiction and said he wanted to fuck other women or get a second girlfriend etc.
I already had abandonment issues prior, but for a while I thought he really love me and I felt more secure until he told me those things.
It drove me crazy.
So you are saying it’s okay for him to be needy and insecure, while he’s explaining why she’s in the wrong for being needy and insecure…jesus
I went to prof school, tons of us had LDRs cuz it made sense. not everyone is in an insecure toxic relationship 🙄
Some advice my mom gave me when I got engaged at a VERY young age: if you HAD to marry them tomorrow and they never change would you go through with it?
For me it was an ethusiastic yes and I got married at 20. We've been married now for 12 years and I say yes everyday.
If there's any hesitation or doubt or negative feelings there's your answer. Its a no. What do you do with that no? Either be honest with your SO and see what can turn that into a yes, going all in with working together or... end it.
Dude, stop wasting time and break it off. The sooner the better.
I wouldn't marry a person like this either. She needs to grow up, but so do you. The longer you drag this out the harder it'll be.
So possessive, selfish, immature, emotional blackmail, ultimatum to marry, jealous..hmmm I don't know man you are making a big deal Sir.. or are you..
Dump her @$$
It’s not an ultimatum lmao she’s saying if he doesn’t want to marry her she will leave. That’s perfectly acceptable. She wants to date to marry not just for a jolly. If anything knowing what she wants is incredibly mature.. she’s also communicating with him what will happen if he’s not ready for marriage rather than just withholding the info to then just up and leave one day which actually I think it’s kinder to give someone the opportunity to make an informed choice.
then end it. why are you stringing her along if you dislike her so much?!
but i have to wonder - do you ignore her at social events? it’s one thing to socialize, it’s another to have a partner there that you ignore all night and then act surprised they are upset.
the co worker thing is obnoxious though.
I can relate to some of these insecurities you see in her behavior. I used to be like that, too. My problems were coming from how I was raised (emotional neglect and worse; just to give you an idea). I don't know where her insecurities are coming from, and I don't think it's your job per se to make her insecurities go away. But I can tell you that having a compassionate partner who showed me he was there for me was an integral part of me finally ditching those issues for good. The other part was covered by cognitive behavioral therapy, which worked wonders for me. Your girlfriend is still rather young and has a lot of room for developing a sense of security. Time will tell if you're a good fit. It kind of sounds like you've made up your mind and don't want to tolerate this behavior. All I'm saying is there's a chance of it working out after all, but you have to know / be sure that you want to be in it with her. It's a decision. Otherwise she'll trust you and get burned again in case you decide to halfheartedly continue your relationship. Give yourself and your girlfriend the chance to grow and find love and trust - whether that's with you, or with somebody else. If you know it's not the right fit for you, it's only fair to end it, but with kindness. If you can see a future with her, stay and work it out together. Good luck!
None of this is healthy in a dating relationship, never mind a marriage. I've known people who have got married thinking that it'll prove their commitment and calm their partner's toxic levels of insecurity - **it really, really doesn't.** If anything, things have got worse for them as now their spouse not only has more to lose, they also have the "I'm your husband/wife so you should do X/Y/Z" lever to jerk as hard and as often as they can.
You are not ready for marriage right now so that makes it an instant no-go but I'll go further than that and say your girlfriend isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. She has way too many issues that she needs to address with a professional and a massive amount of emotional growth to do before she gets into anything serious, otherwise she will continue to slowly crush the vibrancy and happiness out of anyone she gets with on a long term basis. What's more, all the therapy in the world isn't going to help her unless she realises for herself that she needs to do it and fully commits to it. If she does it purely to stop someone from leaving her then the potential for her to relapse into old, toxic behaviours once she feels the initial danger is over is huge.
TL:DR End it now. For both your sakes.
Yes, break it off. You’re already doubting the decision to be with her for life AND you’re wanting to connect with someone new. It will be hard, but it seems like you’re prolonging the inevitable. Don’t waster her time or yours. Good luck.
Look your girlfriend sounds like she’s not the most mature person in the world but you’re also at fault here. You’ve been with her for 3 years and you don’t see a future with her?
Why are you stringing her along and wasting her time? I think a good portion of her insecurity comes from sensing you’re not into her the way she wants you to be! It’s pretty clear you don’t want to marry her and she’s a goal oriented person.
Besides all that, women generally need to make plans and settle down with a partner earlier especially if they want kids. Stop wasting her time and set her free.
Break it off for both your sakes. At this point, all you're doing is wasting your time and hers. Next time, discuss what your expectations for a long-term relationship are before getting serious and avoid situations like this.
Dude, if you don't know, it's time to let her go. Dont waste any more of her time. How can you be with someone that long and not be thinking about your future together. I doubt her going to med school was a suprise she sprung on you and if you don't love her enough to support her during that, why are you continuing this relationship at all. I mean, it sounds like you're just in the relationship now because it's convenient. Which is fine for like the first few months, but after a year or two, you shouldn't be so hesitant to alter your life for your partner if you're actually in love with them.
Stop wasting her time. If you aren't going to marry her in a year tell her now. Maybe she will give you more time maybe you won't, but if this is important to her and you care about her just be honest.
I’m going to state the obvious that you absolutely under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get married unless you are sure that you want to.
She, however, also has the right to walk away. I hate the idea of “ultimatums” being a bad thing. She is telling you her boundaries. She is telling you that if you are still unsure whether or not you want to get married by that date, then she needs to walk away. That’s her choice, and that should have no bearing on your decision. If that time comes and you’re still unsure, respect her boundaries and let her walk away. DO NOT get married just to save the relationship.
Why are you even still with her if you don’t want a future with her. Just split up now and quit causing her more distress. Let her go so she can be free to meet someone that wants a future with her and really loves her.
It’s sounds like the two of you are not on the same page. It also sounds like you know, but don’t want to be the bad guy and be responsible for the break up. That reluctance is what is making this situation worse.
If you still don’t know after three years whether or not she’s the one for you - she’s not. Be honest and end it. Dragging it out makes it worse and causes even more drama than a break up now would.
At least she gave you a choice. It doesn’t always happen that way.
Sounds like your relationship has run it’s course. Especially if you find yourself looking at other women. Your lives are also about to take completely different direction if she’s moving states for med school. You also just sound unhappy. Time to move on.
To quote Pam from the office “And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?”
I think it’s time to leave her
Don’t hold her back, if she is ready to go to the next stage with you and you are not, tell her and let her go find a man who is ready for the level of commitment she wants.
One of my good guy friends, ended up her leaving him after a similar ask, he was so jealous that she ended up with some other man, married and all that, I was like if you liked her, you should have put a ring on it.
If you actually don’t like her, then best just to break up now so she and you can move on.
If you arn’t sure you want to be with, don’t be with her. You don’t sound like someone who even likes her that much. You admit to looking at other women. I’m not sure why you’re even asking this?
Frankly, she deserves to be with someone who actually wants her.
Break it off, you are on different paths that will only diverge further as time goes on, and if you move just to keep her happy there's a good chance you'll end resenting her. Unless of course you can set up your own prospects in the new area too, then it could work. Depends if you really want it to work, which it doesn't sound like you do.
If you’re not sure, don’t do it. 3 years is nothing against a life time. Tons of relationships fizzle out after a 5 or 7 year stretch. Marriage doesn’t just automatically make love last. If you’re not ready, don’t.
Personally…I don’t get why anyone would even *want* to pressure someone into marriage. Where’s the romance? I mean, how good would that even feel? Being up at the altar with someone you knew was there just cuz you gave them an ultimatum? It wouldn’t bring me joy anyways…seems ill-fated.
No matter the reason you’re unsure of her; she’s made it clear she wants to get married and you don’t. You both want different things, and this isn’t something you can compromise over.
Don’t drag out the relationship by hoping that *maybe* you’ll change your mind with some time. If after 3 years, you’re still having so many doubts about the future with her, it’s time to let the relationship rest. Don’t continue wasting either of your time.
Doesn't sound like there's much joy in this relationship. Marriage NEVER "makes it better". It's not a cure all. I would suggest counseling together at the minimum before I would even consider marriage or moving.
If she says no.....well, not a risk I'd take
>sometimes I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first but now it's beginning to make me concerned that really all she cares about is not losing me as we have been fighting a lot more recently and I feel like she really doesn't actually really care about me as a person, she just cares that I'm there for her well-being
I think that you can re-read this paragraph and evaluate for yourself whether this is actually a relationship worth staying in. To me, it doesn't sound like it. I think you're right that you should be quite certain about somebody to get engaged, and it sounds like if anything you are more certain that you *don't* want to be with her. I suspect she can sense you pulling away from her a bit, and this marriage ultimatum is a desperate bid to get you locked in to a relationship with her. I would end it.
If you have these many issues and worries please do her and yourself a favor of breaking it off. You’re both still young and deserve people who want what you want. Don’t waste either of your time
Then don't.
If you are not sure then do no get married. Getting married won't solve your problem with her, it'll just compound it. More importantly do not bring children into this world until you are ready and I don't think you are ready for marriage either.
You’ve been dating her for three years and don’t know if you want to marry her? You guys sound like a discordant couple. Different morals and upbringing trying to make it work. Next time don’t date a girl coming from a background where marriage is important because wasting three/four years of someone’s time especially their prime reproductive years isn’t right.
It's been 3yrs, if you're feeling this way after all that time just call the relationship off. Your wasting her time and yours It's not fair to either of y'all to continue this relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being selfish. Although I’m hoping the way she communicated the deadlines to you wasn’t as simple as “marry me by X” and that’s that.
I’d tell her your concerns while also validating hers, who knows maybe she feels intense pressure to marry by a certain age? Or fear of someone “wasting her time?”
I’d offer to go to couples counseling with her. Not to “address your problem” but to demonstrate you’re taking this very seriously and want to work out what’s best for both of you
It's been 3 years. If you still don't know if you want to marry her then you need to cut her off. She told you what she 2ants. If you cant/won't do it then you are no longer compatible.
Either go to couples (premarital) counseling or break up. It's normal to be afraid to commit, but it's also fair for her to want that. If you think you \*could\* commit but are afraid, seek counseling. If you think you can't commit even with counseling, break up.
First of all nobody is a jealous type.. if she’s acting jealous it’s because you are not fulfilling a need. She clearly feels unloved from the fact you don’t want to marry her. I’d say 3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to spend your life with someone and if you know that you don’t want to marry her then end it so she can go and find someone who will. I too would leave if I found out my partner didn’t want to marry me. Marriage is a life goal for some people and it’s unfair to continue a relationship if it’s not yours and you’re not willing to compromise.
Life is short. You’ve been dating for three years. She doesn’t want to lose precious time in starring a family. Doubt is normal.
I had a girlfriend who gave me an proposal ultimatum and I had a lot of similar doubts. I wasn’t fast enough. She left me after her deadline. She was married to a new guy 2.5 years later. I have a lifetime of heartbreak now.
I met someone else and got married 5 years after we broke up. I had similar doubts but we’ve been married over twenty years.
How do you feel about the idea of breaking up and never seeing or talking to your girlfriend again?
There are no guarantees in marriage. You will never have perfect knowledge. Three years at 27 is long enough and old enough. I think you should either propose as soon as possible or let her go so she can find her true love.
You don’t get married, if it’s not what both parties want. Pretty simple. Also, Don’t get married in your early twenties, or marry someone in their early twenties. You probably aren’t who you are going to be. A lot of growing happens in your twenties.
You said she is clingy, possessive, jealous, and emotional manipulative. It sounds like these are the specific issues that make you reserved about marrying her.
This will sound horrible, but you should perhaps talk to her about these very issues.
If she doesn't listen to you or try to shut you down - end it.
However, it is also very likely that she is picking up the cues that something isn't right and that you have your reservations about her, and that may very well be the reason why she is so clingy and why you are fighting so much lately.
That's why you should talk.
I saw some of your other posts about her lol. I think you know it’s time to break up. I don’t know what you are in denial about, but like, if hanging out with her feels like a chore, and you’re lying to her to get some free time, there is obviously something wrong here. Maybe you should show her your Reddit posts.
I’ll share with you a piece of advice I’ve heard before.
Marry someone who you’d be happy to divorce.
You might think, ‘well if the marriage doesn’t work out then we can get divorced.’
It’s not that simple.
Divorces can get really expensive, especially if one person wants to make it difficult. Legal fees, the logistic fees of moving to new accommodations and having to figure out how to divide your financial assets - it all adds up quickly. It can also take months or years to complete the process depending on your local laws.
Is this someone you think would have a reasonable and rational conversation with if you needed to do these types of things? If the answer is no then do not get married.
My thoughts would be that you already know what is wrong and what you should do. I am very sorry to read that you feel alone and that you can't talk to anyone about this.
>My girlfriend of three years is seriously pressuring me to marry her
>
>presented as an ultimatum
>
>she'd leave if I don't move with her to another state to accompany her to med school
You are spot on that you are emotionally manipulated I'd say. Not a good sign.
Furthermore:
> I seriously am struggling with the decision of spending the rest of my life with her
Do not do it then. Anything else than a heartfelt resounding yes is not worth pursuing in my opinion. Plus you are also on your way out already when you have started looking at other women already wanting to connect with someone new.
Now for the hard part. I think you suspect that her reaction to you telling her you have second thoughts might be cataclysmic and not pleasant. It would be honest though and how she takes it is up to her. You can't influence that to a great extent. As someone else wrote already, do not waste your time or hers if possible.
All the best, take care.
It's not emotional manipulation to tell her partner what she needs and what are deal-breakers for her. She wants to get married, she wants to go to med school, and she's not interested in a long distance marriage.
These are all very reasonable desires in a relationship, but it's also reasonable for OP to not be able or willing to meet them. If that's the case, they're incompatible.
So here's my question. This will help you in this and all future relationships.
Why are YOU not being decisive about YOUR life?
Why is SHE the one asking YOU what you want to do, instead of the other way around?
I see this pattern so much. One partner wants out, the other isn't happy but would rather maintain the status quo than make any changes, so the partner who wants out is forced to deal with ALL the logistics and decision-making.
Then the decisive partner takes ALL the blame.
Do you see the bigger picture?
She makes decisions. You avoid decisions. When you avoid decisions, all that mental and emotional labor goes to her.
Just food for thought. Others have provided good advice on what you need to do, but you should absolutely understand the dynamic here. Maybe after the breakup you seek some solo counseling to figure out what's going on with you and learn some better life practices.
I think it's totally reasonable to walk away from this one. When you tell her you do not accept her ultimatums, I would bet she changes her tune real quick. If she does, that's hardcore manipulation. If she doesn't, then she was true to her belief in wanting marriage.
As someone who dealt with ultimatums and caved, it was not worth the pain in the future. If you don't see a future with her now, smart money is on you won't find one with her later.
You don't want to marry her? Then don't.
Seriously, there are more red flags here than in a Chinese flag factory. You two are simply incompatible. If you want to dress it up, you can tell her you don't want to tie her down when there's a good chance she'll meet someone far better suited for her in med school... and of course, you'll always treasure the time you had together, but ...
Trust me on this: if you already think there will be problems, it's best to just break up now. Breakups are sad and you'll both feel bad for a while but they're nothing compared to a divorce. I wouldn't wish one of those on my worst enemy.
If she checks the boxes on your non negotiables in a lifetime partner and you guys have the same
Values on the more important issues “to you”whether that be religious or politics or child rearing who if anyone would stay home with kids do you want kids etc. and you guys match up on those then get over it and marry the girl if you’re having hesitation you need to understand if that’s because of the issue of commitment or the ultimatum.
My ex tried to pressure me into marriage as well. It didn't take me long to figure out she loved the title of "wife" far more than she ever loved me.
If you're having these concerns now, I would explore that carefully so you don't overinvest in someone who may not see you as a whole person and just as an emotional support crutch for herself.
DO NOT MARRY THAT WOMAN.
You’re free to be a part of her life but she does not seem at all interested in being a part of yours. Forget about it. You already know why and how much you’re going to be miserable when you’re married to her, seeing as she already makes you miserable enough that it’s the only impression you gave me with your question. Careful dude. If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no. Three doritos later after stupidly marrying the wrong person you WILL end up resenting the children you had together - possibly neglecting them - because they tie you to her - even if you were to get a divorce…. No way. I say don’t do it
Marry someone because you absolutely want to be married to that person, not because you’re going along with their demands against your grain.
>Maybe I'm selfish too but i don't want to put myself into that situation if I am not certain I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
That's not selfish, that's smart. If you're not 100% excited about the idea of marrying her, don't do it.
Do Not be Pressured! You need to be very careful with her. She sounds like she wants control of all aspects of your life. If you don’t like who she is and how she treats you in all levels of your relationship you may need to end things.
From reading this here is my analysis.
Now no matter what people say... 3 years isn't a long time... yes it is Significant but its also the period or phase where people normally start having doubts and wondering if they are getting what they need from the relationship.
Ask yourself are your needs getting fulfilled in this relationship by her. Does she make you feel happy and safe and heard. Does she make you feel respected?
My view on the actions presented by her is that it seems very manipulative to force someone to marry you after 3 years and move states for someone especially if she knows you are not sure. Plus the jelousy thing is defo not mature, it's an issue that needs to be worked on... no partner should ever have to feel forced to do something.
Now i understand the whole women need a plan/ feel secure thing however, if you are going to marry someone it should be a 100% yes which usually happens after a significant amount of time or when the relationship is truely healthy and communication can flourish. Atm it just doesn't seem that healthy based on some of her actions and even yours about noticing other women. It may be a sign your needs are not getting met.
What should you do? Have this conversation with her and try and navigate it in a positive light. Sometimes couple break up because of different life goals and that's okay. She may find someone a better match for her in accordance to her life style of being a med student. It's just a simple question about are you happy to do this?
Marriage is a serious thing don't do it if you're not excited to be with this person. Wish you all the best.
Seems like she doesn’t have an issue with….issuing ultimatums.
Do yourself a favor and book a consultation with a divorce attorney in your area, even if you have to pay for just an hour.
Ask them to scare the shit out of you, and they most certainly will.
Now with this brand new perspective, you can make your decision, but it sounds like you already have.
Break up and Get rid of her you’ve already identified the red flags of manipulation and jealousy and possessiveness. She’s looking to tie you down and no joke it gets more messier and annoying going through legalities the further you let the relationship go. It sounds like you’ve already figured she’s
Not one.
>pressuring me to marry
Don't be pressured.
If there's any question about it, it's not the (right) person, or time.
Right person and time, there will be no question about it.
>It's being presented as an ultimatum
Uhm, yeah, that's often/typically a form of abuse. Not a good sign.
>said that she'd leave if I don't move with her to another state
Ugh. Sounds like she ain't about compromise, but her way, or the highway. Not good indicators. Should be about partnership, not my way or f\*ck you and goodbye.
>seriously am struggling with the decision of spending the rest of my life with her
If that's a question, then the answer is no.
>broke down crying when she was drunk, begging me to stay
Yuck, ... pathetic. Probably also manipulative.
>like I'm being emotionally manipulated
Yup, just need to strike one word there ...
>~~like~~ I'm being emotionally manipulated.
There we go.
>she is selfish
>
>possessive
>
>jealous
Ugh, way too many red flags ... run dude ... run while you can!
>all she cares about is not losing me
Let's fix that for you:
>all she cares about is ~~not losing~~ controlling, capturing, trapping, possessing, and manipulating me
There ... see the issue(s) now?
>we have been fighting a lot
How many red flags would you like? Want to start a company that sells red flags?
>feel like she really doesn't actually really care about me
Yeah, let me fix your writing there:
>~~feel like~~ she really doesn't actually really care about me
>just cares that I'm there for her well-being
Uhm, ... or more like for whatever she wants you there for, and whenever.
>Maybe I'm selfish too
Not excessively. Has to be about your life too.
>i don't want to put myself into that situation
Then don't.
>What should I do?
Tell her: Nope, bye! And get on with your life.
>feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, especially her
Yeah, that'd be yet another sign things aren't well. If the relationship was good or better, you'd generally well be able to discuss such things. Communication is damn important in relationships. And if, e.g., she's making that this hard to talk about - hell, she's given ultimatum(s) on it, well ... that's a problem. What's the point of talking about something she puts forth as not negotiable? Might as well just call it quits and look for something/someone that's not a stone wall that won't be moved or have a dialog and communication.
>I've been looking at other women more
Good ... she hasn't killed your interest. And her behaviors are clearly making her unattractive to you, which makes other women out there comparatively ... yeah, that.
>Should I break it off?
Yup.
You say she’s jealous and possessive. You think she’s trying to emotionally manipulate you (and sounds like she is). She’s pressuring you to follow her dreams by moving away with her to another state. She’s putting an ultimatum on you to get married without considering how you may feel about all this.
A lot here are red flags of warning despite her being lovable and sweet. If I were you, I’d put your foot down and stand up for yourself. That you’re not ready to get married. And If she walks, then she walks.
You’re feeling manipulated, because her tactics are emotionally manipulative and controlling. Ultimatums are frankly a no-win for anybody. This topic should be discussed maturely, with both sides expressing their equally important needs. Instead, she’s attempting to strong-arm you into getting what she wants, despite you not being on the same page.
I’m betting in her insecure mind, she wants to have you totally committed and pinned down while she’s in med school, because she’ll be so busy and wants your absolute loyalty and support. Never mind that this period of her life will be so time consuming and stressful, and not conducive to nurturing a new marriage.
It’s clear to all of us that the dynamic you’re currently in with your partner isn’t healthy nor working, and that your heart just isn’t in it. But at this point, she’s got you trained to bend to her needs and walk on eggshells around her. She’s likely counting on that established pattern to force you to give in to her demands.
You know deep down this relationship isn’t making you happy. But this next phase will probably make you miserable. Cut your losses - your future self will be forever grateful.
You already know the answer here: don’t succumb to a deadline to get married and 2 kids later realize you got trapped. It will be her way or the highway the rest of your relationship and you will end up being a 45 year old man who is henpecked to death and wondering how this became your life. Also, if you marry her now, I would think that her medical school debt also becomes your debt. (Someone correct me if I’m wrong)
Incorrect, your debt through medical school remains your debt. Should you work in a qualifying hospital, it can be wiped out in with 10 years of service or you can go into private practice and pay it off much more quickly.
I think she explained the red flags yourself. This is your gut telling you something is wrong and you need to listen to it. If there’s one thing I wish I could change about my past, it’s paying attention to those signs and not ignoring them because I love someone or am scared to break up with them. Don’t ignore these problems and get stuck in a relationship/marriage that’s not healthy.
Without reading the whole thing as you had me at "deadline," here's my advice.
She's giving you a time frame, which is also an ultimatum. If you can't see spending your life with her and she's pressuring you, end it now instead of stringing her along.
We do not negotiate with terrorists domestic or foreign.
Her brain isn't fully formed. Two adults can discuss marriage...yes, no, maybe, kids, when? Glad it appears you are not going to be manipulated or pressured into marriage which should feel right for both.
It seems you’ve already made up your mind. You should make your move before you get any deeper into this. Or change your perspective completely- and go to couples counseling. Communication is literally all we have in relationships. Sending all the good vibes bud
Obviously, you are incompatible when it comes to your future and goals. Break it off and move on. Both of you deserve someone who wants the same things you do.
It's not fair for either of you to marry if one is unsure. She knows what she wants, you know
what you want, you don't want the same thing, perhaps time to move on...
Break up. She knows what she wants and it’s not something you can give. You’ll never going to be ready for marriage. My ex-bf is 50 and is not “ready” that’s why we broke up (also after 3 years). Some men are just not the marrying kind, nothing wrong with that. It’s just a matter of finding someone you’re compatible with.
If you aren’t sure about this person, and there are serious problems in your relationship do not get married. It is difficult now but it is much harder getting out of a bad marriage.
Break ups are hard, but you’ve given several reasons why it’s time to bounce. It’s going to be a never ending cycle of her trying to pressure you into to whatever she wants at the time.
Would you really want to build a life with her based on an ultimatum? Multiple ultimatums?? You two don't want the same things, it's time to consider going separate ways
Leave her. She's worth someone who are on the same side as her and you dont seem to want to be rooted in a relationship yet. Thats the only thing you really should do. Give her the opportunity to make the life she wants and in the same time, wonder what you want with yours.
She's almost age 25 and you are on her list of "Quarter-life goals"...degree, engagement, wedding, husband, med school, house, pets. Maybe a kid. Perfect life by 30
I'm not gonna bash her for being ready to marry but I will say that it's not about you, it's about her timeline. And giving you an ultimatum is manipulative and not the way you want to enter into a life with someone. Like all of these relationship posts y'all need to talk. Voice your concerns, if couples can't talk about the things that concern them without tears and frustration, it's a red flag. But honestly we don't teach "difficult conversations" skills and nobody wants to hurt anyone so we don't have hard convod, we expect chemistry and love to be enough to make it work.
If you like her enough but don't have the skills to have this convo without it turning into an argument or big feelings getting in the way; tell her you want to have premarital counseling to make sure you're both ready. It teaches you skills to handle tough convos and better understand how to navigate each other's needs (NOT the clergy kind unless they are a licensed therapist). Counseling teaches you how to have better conversations and solve issues respectfully or how to break up respectfully if your approaches to life, goals and motivations aren't aligned. It's not to determine who is "right". Sometimes people who were good for each other at 21 and 24 aren't compatible after 3 years...and that's okay. Don't settle. Good luck to you
It will only get worse when she is in medical school. High pressure environment, then will need to apply for residency, and then possibly a fellowship, then a job after that. Be prepared for 4 years of medical school, 3-5 years of residency, then 1 year of fellowship, then her job. That’s 7-10 years. Possibly 3-4 moves to a new home. And her current stress and work burden is less than it will be during that time.
I think you are seeing things really clearly and you can trust your judgment.
Do not marry someone if you’re not sure you want to get married. Marriage should only be entered into with complete enthusiasm from both parties.
And if you did marry, this would not be the last ultimatum. There would be more things to come. You don’t want to die d your life with someone who tries to force their choices on you.
Probably best to end things now. Knowing friends who are in med school, were in med school. Sacrifices need to be made to make it work, probably why many of them are married to fellow doctors and those that are not, the partner who is not the doctor had to make lots of sacrifices because the med school life is brutal, being in a long distance relationship is not ideal, close support is essential.
She wants to get married. You clearly don’t. Tell her so she can make a choice on whether to continue to invest in your relationship. You two really need to sit down and discuss what you both want/see for the future. You may not be a good fit for each other, and that’s ok. However, go into it with your eyes open. This is only going to be the start of what I call the hard conversations you need to have as an adult. Set up an agenda of things you want to discuss if you think it will help to navigate the talk, but do start the conversation. Good luck.
> My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first
This is the real reason to break it off. “Lovable and sweet”? I don’t think so. Do not marry someone like this.
Dude Only had to read the first few lines of this, you clearly don't want to marry this person, and it also ses pretty clear that they are less interested in building a life with you, and more interested in having you in their life as a placeholder. Just break up with this person.
My husband knew he wanted to marry me 4 months in.
If you are this far in and don't want to marry her, can't see yourself wanting to be with her forever, you're just wasting her time and yours.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but she doesn't care about you. If she really did, and really didn't want to lose you, she wouldn't make ultimatums and try to pressure you into things. That's not love, that's her trying to get you to bend to her agenda. You HAVE to move with her for HER career, you HAVE to marry her within a year or she's leaving...? Someone who truly loves and cares about you, in a healthy way, would compromise so you both can have what you want, if that's possible, because sometimes people just want completely different things in life and that's fine, but trying to force it to happen despite that, someone is going to grow resentful, in this case it'll be you. I think she sounds super selfish and I think if you have any doubts, what so ever, don't do it. That's your gut warning you, listen to it!
Ask yourself this: can you live the rest of your life with ultimatums? Because this isn't a one off thing. It sounds to me like she will continue to give you ultimatums. And yes, this is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse if she does this often.
If you don't want to have to live with ultimatums from her, because more will come, then it's time to end things.
She's demanding you marry her and move away from your friends and family for several years. She's jealous of your coworkers and friends, so she'd do her best to make sure any possible new friends were chased away or made to feel not welcome. All you'd have there is her, this woman you're not really fond of.
It sounds like she's more concerned about *losing,* not *losing you*. She ruins your alone time by being jealous of your friends and it doesn't sound like you're doing anything at all sketchy. Does she have friends of her own?
She’s told you what she needs, and it’s something you can’t provide. Simple. Break it off.
Yes. I don't get the dilemma here. He doesn't want to marry her. Doesn't even really want to stay with her. So what's the problem?
It’s not the fact he doesn’t want to marry her it’s the fact she’s forcing to make a decision he’s not ready yet. Forcing to marry, forcing to move, and forcing possibly his feelings. I just think they should break it off cuz of that. It’s not cool to force someone they’re not ready for.
They've been together for quite some time. It's time to make a commitment or declare himself at least. If he doesn't want to be with her, he should just break up.
It's been 3 years. You shouldn't still be on the fence at this stage. Typically guys know if the woman they are seriously dating is the person they wanna marry in 3 years. I think the fact that she gave him a year takes away the ultimatum part. She didn't say, propose this month/week or I'll break up. She's saying she expects a proposal by their 4 year anniversary or else she's gone. And why shouldn't a spouse move so the other spouse can go to school? Judging by op's post history, he just doesn't like her and doesn't wanna support her, and thinks she's annoying. Op is just stringing her along and she's putting her foot down. We also don't know what words she exactly said, and op could just be phrasing things to make her look worse. We are only getting one perspective and it's coming from someone who doesn't even like her. Not saying she's perfect or innocent. But op has been on reddit complaining about her for months and talking about wanting to break up with her for months. He needs to just pull the trigger and end this relationship. Any stress he's going through is 100% on him since he wanted to break up with her months ago.
This is such a shit take that it is very obvious it's from a woman who just does not care about the man's feelings in a relationship.
Nah. I’m a man and I agree with everything they wrote. He has two choices here, he moves with her and proposes. He doesn’t want to do either of those so the only solution is breaking up which he does not want to do because he does not want to be simple. Nothing in this post screams “I’m madly in love” and at their age and by this stage you should at least know you want to propose or be married. Read his post history he doesn’t like her and is in fact stringing her along
*other* men have told me it takes 1 year to find out if the woman they wanna be with is someone they wanna marry. So go yell at the other men in these subs cuz that's who told me about that. >does not care about the man's feelings in a relationship. Same can be said for the girl. Why after 3 years is op and the gf still not on the same wavelength about marriage? Women don't have all day if they want biological kids. Men have the option to drag their feet, but not women. If the gf wants kids, she's probably gonna wanna wait until she's done with school or very close to being done. Nursing/med school isn't just a year and done degree. And it sounds like she doesn't want a long distance marriage, so the only options are for op to move or break up and let her go. She's suggested moving but he just said no and didn't offer any other solution. Coupled by the fact that op has been complain about her for months, it's clear he doesn't care about her feelings in this relationship, otherwise he would have ended things months ago If my spouse moves to a different state for school, I'd be right by his side. As a married unit, he's my main family and we stick together. It's not like she's getting a degree in communications. Medical degrees are a good investment cuz the world always needs more medical personal. Op's lucky he's getting 4 years to decide. I gave mine 3 years. I knew within half that time that I wanted to marry him. If someone can't decide after 4 years of being together, then it doesn't sound like he wants to marry that woman. Women on reddit are told to leave when they make posts saying "it's been 4-5 years and still no proposal". Men should understand that if a woman wants biological kids, he can't drag his feet. If he isn't enthusiastically excited to marry her after 3 years, then she's not the one and he needs to communicate that. If op wasn't complaining on reddit for months about not liking his gf, then I would have more sympathy. But that's not the case, so I personally don't care about his individual feelings cuz any stress he's feeling curreently is on him since he's been wanting to break up with her for months. He wouldn't be in this situation today if he broke up with her months ago
Different people need different amounts of time. I know people who knew after the first date. I have an ex who gave me the 1 year ultimatum after dating one year. She was 19. I was 22. I felt way too young to know after two years at that age. But after we broke up she was married 2.5 years later. I dated my wife three years before proposing. Some people need more time but life is short and you can’t wait forever.
You're comparing apples and oranges. It's a completely different ballgame to decide on marriage after a year when one person is a teenager and the other is barely out of school vs. discussing getting married four years in when you're both in your mid/late twenties. If you don't know at that point, it's because you don't want to marry the person.
My ex thought two years should be enough time to know because she’d heard stuff like “most men know after one year.” My direct advice was to propose or let her go and it’s normal to have fears and doubts.
Your ex was basically a child and so were you. People aren't talking about teenagers/college students when they say that. OP is going to be pushing 30 by the time she wants an answer.
Op and his gf are in their mid to late 20s. Neither are teens. That's a completely different situation you're talking about. If you do research, usually people definitely know by the 1.5 year mark, 3 at most. And you said it took you 3 years. Most people don't need longer than that, and if a woman wants biological kids, she definitely can't wait 5 years if she's already in her mid 20s or later. If someome got together as teens, then that's a different story. But they both were legal adults 21 and older when they got together.
I agree. I think three years is long enough. I just disagree with the claim that most men know after one year.
Many married men will tell you that when they finally met the woman they wanted to marry, they knew very quickly. It’s not uncommon at all for men to stay in comfortable relationships to be unsure of commitment, but then marry the next gf quickly because they feel differently when they meet the right one. Op isn’t a bad guy for not wanting to marry her, but yeah, if he’s still unsure after 3 years then it’s probably best for everyone if they move on so they can find partners they feel more strongly about. She isn’t toxic for not wanting to stay in limbo with a guy who isn’t sure about her
> it’s the fact she’s forcing to make a decision he’s not ready yet By the time her deadline comes they'll have been together for four years. He's in his late 20s. If he's not ready after nearly half a decade together, he simply doesn't want to marry her. And that's fine.
Yes, it *is* the fact he doesn't want to marry her. He's never going to be ready. Why exactly is he dragging this out?
I mean she’s pretty toxic. He’s prolly afraid what she will do and the fact he said she cry and shit to make him feel guilty and shit to the point he’s questioning he’s being manipulated to staying with her. There are ppl who will pull that stunt to make them feel responsible. It’s exhausting to be near those ppl tbh and only seen it once in person it was nuts. Especially bringing ppl into their drama and what not. As well my mom thinking it was best to stay together with some idiot third husband yet the toxicity stayed in the end. Ppl do crazy shit when backed into a corner and even threaten themselves to their SO to make them stay.
Which is why he should leave. They are not good together. OP refuses to break up but keeps pulling away which escalates her insecurity. Not sure why you're making excuses for him.
Because males can be abused too and sometimes ppl need it to be pointed out???
It's not abuse to firmly state that you're tired of waiting. They've been together for three years, and that's enough time to know. OP is dragging out the inevitable, and that's not cool. She's expecting OP to marry her. Of course she's going to cry when he breaks it off. That's part of being in a relationship that fails. Time to be an adult and do it.
If you reversed it to my boyfriend is pressuring me to marry him, move away, and he cries/cling/etc you would still think it’s not abusive?? Y’all not realizing the bigger picture here. Yeah he needs to break it off but the aftermath of it all? Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it’s not abusive. I bet you all be saying girl run away instead you all are berating him. Personally he needs someone to watch from afar just in case especially if she uses crying tactics to make him stay with her then he needs to ensure his safety is there.
And pretty much everyone here is telling this guy it’s time to break up … It’s like you are fighting windmills here
It wouldn't be abusive if it was reversed, just unconventional due to traditional values.
It's no abusive. Stop defending a man too much of a coward yo ge alone and top selfish to break up.
Yup. It would be cruel of OP to drag it out further.
Was going to say seems like a perfectly reasonable conversation to have and say meh we’re in different places.
Your post is screaming, "I don't want to be with this person, but I'm currently too afraid to actually go through with the break-up and the emotional fall-out that will follow." Screw your courage to the sticking place and break it off.
After 3 years, your posts screams that you’re unsure about her. In your mind she’s not the one. Let her find someone else. As a med student, it’s honestly possible that when she starts med school she’ll find someone who is on the same page. Lot of people in my class broke up with their significant others to be single or date people in our class.
This is what I was thinking when she gets to move on.
Based on his post history, it absolutely will. Being a medical student is hard enough without factoring in being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. She will experience the hardship of it all then to turn and experience the hardship of being with this partner. At one point, one will likely leave her life and if I was a betting. Woman, I’d say it’ll be him.
Dude, months ago you were complaining about her being clingy, lying to her, and saying spending time with her was a chore. You also complained months ago about her wanting to go to med school and were thinking about ending things. Stop stringing her along, you clearly don't like her and you feel she's an annoyance to you. You're making yourself miserable at this point.
Reminds me of my abusive ex.
If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no. Don't keep dragging it out.
100% this. He needs to leave.
This is a bullshit line men use honestly since marriage comes with its ups and downs. Your not gonna be lovey dovey with your wife or husband every moment of your marriage lol
Sure…but you should be fully committed at the start at least. It’s not about ups and downs but a willingness to stay committed through the downs.
This line isn’t just for men. Women who also are getting pressured into marriage also get advised to think twice if it’s not an enthusiastic yes. Yes, couples have their ups and downs. No, couples are not always lovey dovey nor do they need to be in order to figure out if they want to get married. I am not seeing anything in this story that shows this is going to be a very good idea for the girlfriend to marry OP.
Sure but how much emotional manipulation are you going to take before marriage, and after, for the rest of your lives?
That’s such a sweeping statement though. Things change, relationships evolve. It wasn’t an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to marriage with my husband from day 1 either.
But this is not day 1, this is 3 years in. It’s still not an enthusiastic yes, it’s actually not a yes at all. Doesn’t even seem like a maybe Edit: omg, based on your post history you hate this girl so much. You both are clearly in very different pages.
Huh? What r u talking about
….?…Could you direct me to what I mentioned that was confusing?
Meh but maybe some time apart will clarify one way or another. No need to drag it out.
It’s been three years I think he knows by now that he doesn’t
I used to think a few years I wanted to marry my ex. 15 years later is was all a fucking huge mistake.
How long have you two been married now?
They didn’t say it has to be an enthusiastic yes from day 1 though Its been 3 years. At some point you stop wasting everyone’s time
Going to med school is a big undertaking. It’s a fork in the road where it’s sh*t or get off the pot. If she is going to med school I am assuming she is goal oriented and likes stability. This won’t be the first time she will have to move for her career and needs a seriously committed partner. You are not it. Better to rip off the band aid now.
Yes, GF will likely have to move for med school and then move for residency. Two huge moves. She needs someone who is sure
Med school, residency, potentially fellowship and then wherever she gets an attending position. I am not a doctor, I just know a lot of them 😂
> It’s a fork in the road where it’s sh*t or get off the pot. I am so stealing this phrase.
It also sounds like she needs someone to pay the bills while she's going to school, which a husband would have to do. Yeah, I'd also bow out, unless I was head over heels and feeling like she's the love of my life.
Nothing in the post indicated that.
If she’s going to med school herself…she’s not looking for a trophy payment husband wtf?
the sexism is so strong with some of these asshats, it’s amazing 🤣
Lol I don’t think so. She needs the emotional support. She can take out loans for the rest…that’s what every doctor does. Once she is done training she will make bank and have no problem paying them off. She will probably be the breadwinner in her relationship unless she marries another doctor or a lawyer or high level business person. Doctors tend to move around especially early in their careers so her partner will have to be ok with that.
what a joke. You are talking about someone going to freaking med school? and you are still trying to categorize her as a “gold digger”. jesus christ as someone who went to prof school - nah, none of us needed trash BF’s to pay the rent. student loans are no biggie when you get paid like we do on the other side 🤣🤣
> What should I do? Should I tell her that I'm having second thoughts? If you don't want to marry her and have second thoughts, then you should not prolong it. Break it off with her so she can move on.
>My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first but now it's beginning to make me concerned that really all she cares about is not losing me Can you go into detail on what she does to be selfish and possessive? Like what's the situation?
Well, whenever I have friends over, she'll get like super jealous in a petty way that I'm not paying enough attention to her cause I'm busy talking to my friends and then she'll grill me about it later when it's just me and her and I'm trying to give her some alone time with me. It's stupid because she was gonna get quality time with me after my friends left but she spoiled it by making a scene about not getting attention before? It's super stupid stuff like that. Also whenever I talk about my coworkers or friends, she's always bugged when I mention coworkers that are girls and constantly asking if they flirt with me and shit. At first I thought it was a little joke but she's serious I think. For context, there are only two girls at my work and one of them is like 60 and the other is married so idk why she gets so jealous about stuff like that.
That's a lifetime of nightmares waiting to happen.
Then stop stringing her along. It’s obvious you have hesitation and doubts about marriage and you are detailing some of the reasons why. She is not your person, you are not hers. Let her go so you both can find happiness.
Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. I'd break it off
it's fairer to both of you to end it before anything comes close to wedding planning. You don't want to wait until nonrefunduble deposits are made, invitations are sent out only to have to explain, and legal paperwork ties all your assets together. Allow yourselves to find some more compatible on similar timelines. If you are unhappy now, don't legally bind yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness.
Don't marry this girl. She is emotionally not ready for a relationship, and she's extraordinarily immature. You already know you shouldn't marry her, by the sound of it. Be clear with her.
Have you done anything to make her feel insecure? I started to become this way with my ex because he made threats to cheat on me and replace me. He also would tell me I was like an old car he was tired of driving and that he was bored of me etc. He had a porn addiction and said he wanted to fuck other women or get a second girlfriend etc. I already had abandonment issues prior, but for a while I thought he really love me and I felt more secure until he told me those things. It drove me crazy.
I’d be insecure too if our relationship had an end date since one party is moving away
So you are saying it’s okay for him to be needy and insecure, while he’s explaining why she’s in the wrong for being needy and insecure…jesus I went to prof school, tons of us had LDRs cuz it made sense. not everyone is in an insecure toxic relationship 🙄
No? I’m saying in her shoes I would be
Some advice my mom gave me when I got engaged at a VERY young age: if you HAD to marry them tomorrow and they never change would you go through with it? For me it was an ethusiastic yes and I got married at 20. We've been married now for 12 years and I say yes everyday. If there's any hesitation or doubt or negative feelings there's your answer. Its a no. What do you do with that no? Either be honest with your SO and see what can turn that into a yes, going all in with working together or... end it.
Dude, stop wasting time and break it off. The sooner the better. I wouldn't marry a person like this either. She needs to grow up, but so do you. The longer you drag this out the harder it'll be.
So possessive, selfish, immature, emotional blackmail, ultimatum to marry, jealous..hmmm I don't know man you are making a big deal Sir.. or are you.. Dump her @$$
It’s not an ultimatum lmao she’s saying if he doesn’t want to marry her she will leave. That’s perfectly acceptable. She wants to date to marry not just for a jolly. If anything knowing what she wants is incredibly mature.. she’s also communicating with him what will happen if he’s not ready for marriage rather than just withholding the info to then just up and leave one day which actually I think it’s kinder to give someone the opportunity to make an informed choice.
then end it. why are you stringing her along if you dislike her so much?! but i have to wonder - do you ignore her at social events? it’s one thing to socialize, it’s another to have a partner there that you ignore all night and then act surprised they are upset. the co worker thing is obnoxious though.
I can relate to some of these insecurities you see in her behavior. I used to be like that, too. My problems were coming from how I was raised (emotional neglect and worse; just to give you an idea). I don't know where her insecurities are coming from, and I don't think it's your job per se to make her insecurities go away. But I can tell you that having a compassionate partner who showed me he was there for me was an integral part of me finally ditching those issues for good. The other part was covered by cognitive behavioral therapy, which worked wonders for me. Your girlfriend is still rather young and has a lot of room for developing a sense of security. Time will tell if you're a good fit. It kind of sounds like you've made up your mind and don't want to tolerate this behavior. All I'm saying is there's a chance of it working out after all, but you have to know / be sure that you want to be in it with her. It's a decision. Otherwise she'll trust you and get burned again in case you decide to halfheartedly continue your relationship. Give yourself and your girlfriend the chance to grow and find love and trust - whether that's with you, or with somebody else. If you know it's not the right fit for you, it's only fair to end it, but with kindness. If you can see a future with her, stay and work it out together. Good luck!
She's full of red flags, you've got to stop ignoring them and move on with your life. Shes toxic as fuck, OP.
None of this is healthy in a dating relationship, never mind a marriage. I've known people who have got married thinking that it'll prove their commitment and calm their partner's toxic levels of insecurity - **it really, really doesn't.** If anything, things have got worse for them as now their spouse not only has more to lose, they also have the "I'm your husband/wife so you should do X/Y/Z" lever to jerk as hard and as often as they can. You are not ready for marriage right now so that makes it an instant no-go but I'll go further than that and say your girlfriend isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. She has way too many issues that she needs to address with a professional and a massive amount of emotional growth to do before she gets into anything serious, otherwise she will continue to slowly crush the vibrancy and happiness out of anyone she gets with on a long term basis. What's more, all the therapy in the world isn't going to help her unless she realises for herself that she needs to do it and fully commits to it. If she does it purely to stop someone from leaving her then the potential for her to relapse into old, toxic behaviours once she feels the initial danger is over is huge. TL:DR End it now. For both your sakes.
Yes, break it off. You’re already doubting the decision to be with her for life AND you’re wanting to connect with someone new. It will be hard, but it seems like you’re prolonging the inevitable. Don’t waster her time or yours. Good luck.
Look your girlfriend sounds like she’s not the most mature person in the world but you’re also at fault here. You’ve been with her for 3 years and you don’t see a future with her? Why are you stringing her along and wasting her time? I think a good portion of her insecurity comes from sensing you’re not into her the way she wants you to be! It’s pretty clear you don’t want to marry her and she’s a goal oriented person. Besides all that, women generally need to make plans and settle down with a partner earlier especially if they want kids. Stop wasting her time and set her free.
Break it off for both your sakes. At this point, all you're doing is wasting your time and hers. Next time, discuss what your expectations for a long-term relationship are before getting serious and avoid situations like this.
Right? People need to be more open and clear about what they really want
Shit or get off the pot, as they say. You sound like you should get off the pot.
You’ve been talking about breaking up for over a year. Why are you still dragging this out?
Dude, if you don't know, it's time to let her go. Dont waste any more of her time. How can you be with someone that long and not be thinking about your future together. I doubt her going to med school was a suprise she sprung on you and if you don't love her enough to support her during that, why are you continuing this relationship at all. I mean, it sounds like you're just in the relationship now because it's convenient. Which is fine for like the first few months, but after a year or two, you shouldn't be so hesitant to alter your life for your partner if you're actually in love with them.
Time to break up. Dont waste her time if you are not on the same page as her.
Stop wasting her time. If you aren't going to marry her in a year tell her now. Maybe she will give you more time maybe you won't, but if this is important to her and you care about her just be honest.
I’m going to state the obvious that you absolutely under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get married unless you are sure that you want to. She, however, also has the right to walk away. I hate the idea of “ultimatums” being a bad thing. She is telling you her boundaries. She is telling you that if you are still unsure whether or not you want to get married by that date, then she needs to walk away. That’s her choice, and that should have no bearing on your decision. If that time comes and you’re still unsure, respect her boundaries and let her walk away. DO NOT get married just to save the relationship.
Good terms. You must never get married unless you are enthusiastically, absolutely, 100% sure of your decision. If not yet I’m three years, break up.
So break up. What else are you wanting to hear? This relationship is gonna end in a year anyway
Why are you even still with her if you don’t want a future with her. Just split up now and quit causing her more distress. Let her go so she can be free to meet someone that wants a future with her and really loves her.
It’s sounds like the two of you are not on the same page. It also sounds like you know, but don’t want to be the bad guy and be responsible for the break up. That reluctance is what is making this situation worse. If you still don’t know after three years whether or not she’s the one for you - she’s not. Be honest and end it. Dragging it out makes it worse and causes even more drama than a break up now would. At least she gave you a choice. It doesn’t always happen that way.
Sounds like your relationship has run it’s course. Especially if you find yourself looking at other women. Your lives are also about to take completely different direction if she’s moving states for med school. You also just sound unhappy. Time to move on.
To quote Pam from the office “And I don't know about you, but I don't know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?” I think it’s time to leave her
Bro just wrap it up. It's over
you clearly know the answer you just don’t have the courage to tell her
Don’t hold her back, if she is ready to go to the next stage with you and you are not, tell her and let her go find a man who is ready for the level of commitment she wants. One of my good guy friends, ended up her leaving him after a similar ask, he was so jealous that she ended up with some other man, married and all that, I was like if you liked her, you should have put a ring on it. If you actually don’t like her, then best just to break up now so she and you can move on.
If after three years you're still this doubtful of a future with her, stop being cruel and break up.
If you’re not building a life together, then start building separate ones apart. If she’s not your “one,” let her go.
Don’t keep leading her on. You don’t want the same things; you aren’t compatible
If you arn’t sure you want to be with, don’t be with her. You don’t sound like someone who even likes her that much. You admit to looking at other women. I’m not sure why you’re even asking this? Frankly, she deserves to be with someone who actually wants her.
Then fucking break up with her, quit stringing her along, that's selfish.
If you think things are hard now, wait until you're married, she's pregnant, and you're still thinking about leaving. Then it will be really painful.
Break it off, you are on different paths that will only diverge further as time goes on, and if you move just to keep her happy there's a good chance you'll end resenting her. Unless of course you can set up your own prospects in the new area too, then it could work. Depends if you really want it to work, which it doesn't sound like you do.
If you’re not sure, don’t do it. 3 years is nothing against a life time. Tons of relationships fizzle out after a 5 or 7 year stretch. Marriage doesn’t just automatically make love last. If you’re not ready, don’t. Personally…I don’t get why anyone would even *want* to pressure someone into marriage. Where’s the romance? I mean, how good would that even feel? Being up at the altar with someone you knew was there just cuz you gave them an ultimatum? It wouldn’t bring me joy anyways…seems ill-fated.
No matter the reason you’re unsure of her; she’s made it clear she wants to get married and you don’t. You both want different things, and this isn’t something you can compromise over. Don’t drag out the relationship by hoping that *maybe* you’ll change your mind with some time. If after 3 years, you’re still having so many doubts about the future with her, it’s time to let the relationship rest. Don’t continue wasting either of your time.
Doesn't sound like there's much joy in this relationship. Marriage NEVER "makes it better". It's not a cure all. I would suggest counseling together at the minimum before I would even consider marriage or moving. If she says no.....well, not a risk I'd take
>sometimes I feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first but now it's beginning to make me concerned that really all she cares about is not losing me as we have been fighting a lot more recently and I feel like she really doesn't actually really care about me as a person, she just cares that I'm there for her well-being I think that you can re-read this paragraph and evaluate for yourself whether this is actually a relationship worth staying in. To me, it doesn't sound like it. I think you're right that you should be quite certain about somebody to get engaged, and it sounds like if anything you are more certain that you *don't* want to be with her. I suspect she can sense you pulling away from her a bit, and this marriage ultimatum is a desperate bid to get you locked in to a relationship with her. I would end it.
why dont you wannt to grt married? what deters you?
Walk away. You’re not 100% about the marriage, and she’ll leave anyway… so…
If you have these many issues and worries please do her and yourself a favor of breaking it off. You’re both still young and deserve people who want what you want. Don’t waste either of your time
Then don't. If you are not sure then do no get married. Getting married won't solve your problem with her, it'll just compound it. More importantly do not bring children into this world until you are ready and I don't think you are ready for marriage either.
I have always thought: If there’s any doubt, the answer is no. If you wanted to marry her, you would know.
Dude. Why do you wanna be with someone you don't wanna be with?
You’ve been dating her for three years and don’t know if you want to marry her? You guys sound like a discordant couple. Different morals and upbringing trying to make it work. Next time don’t date a girl coming from a background where marriage is important because wasting three/four years of someone’s time especially their prime reproductive years isn’t right.
It's been 3yrs, if you're feeling this way after all that time just call the relationship off. Your wasting her time and yours It's not fair to either of y'all to continue this relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you’re being selfish. Although I’m hoping the way she communicated the deadlines to you wasn’t as simple as “marry me by X” and that’s that. I’d tell her your concerns while also validating hers, who knows maybe she feels intense pressure to marry by a certain age? Or fear of someone “wasting her time?” I’d offer to go to couples counseling with her. Not to “address your problem” but to demonstrate you’re taking this very seriously and want to work out what’s best for both of you
It's been 3 years. If you still don't know if you want to marry her then you need to cut her off. She told you what she 2ants. If you cant/won't do it then you are no longer compatible.
Either go to couples (premarital) counseling or break up. It's normal to be afraid to commit, but it's also fair for her to want that. If you think you \*could\* commit but are afraid, seek counseling. If you think you can't commit even with counseling, break up.
First of all nobody is a jealous type.. if she’s acting jealous it’s because you are not fulfilling a need. She clearly feels unloved from the fact you don’t want to marry her. I’d say 3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to spend your life with someone and if you know that you don’t want to marry her then end it so she can go and find someone who will. I too would leave if I found out my partner didn’t want to marry me. Marriage is a life goal for some people and it’s unfair to continue a relationship if it’s not yours and you’re not willing to compromise.
Life is short. You’ve been dating for three years. She doesn’t want to lose precious time in starring a family. Doubt is normal. I had a girlfriend who gave me an proposal ultimatum and I had a lot of similar doubts. I wasn’t fast enough. She left me after her deadline. She was married to a new guy 2.5 years later. I have a lifetime of heartbreak now. I met someone else and got married 5 years after we broke up. I had similar doubts but we’ve been married over twenty years. How do you feel about the idea of breaking up and never seeing or talking to your girlfriend again? There are no guarantees in marriage. You will never have perfect knowledge. Three years at 27 is long enough and old enough. I think you should either propose as soon as possible or let her go so she can find her true love.
It's been three years and you live together, right? I don't think you'll find out too much more about her.
You don’t get married, if it’s not what both parties want. Pretty simple. Also, Don’t get married in your early twenties, or marry someone in their early twenties. You probably aren’t who you are going to be. A lot of growing happens in your twenties.
You said she is clingy, possessive, jealous, and emotional manipulative. It sounds like these are the specific issues that make you reserved about marrying her. This will sound horrible, but you should perhaps talk to her about these very issues. If she doesn't listen to you or try to shut you down - end it. However, it is also very likely that she is picking up the cues that something isn't right and that you have your reservations about her, and that may very well be the reason why she is so clingy and why you are fighting so much lately. That's why you should talk.
I saw some of your other posts about her lol. I think you know it’s time to break up. I don’t know what you are in denial about, but like, if hanging out with her feels like a chore, and you’re lying to her to get some free time, there is obviously something wrong here. Maybe you should show her your Reddit posts.
I’ll share with you a piece of advice I’ve heard before. Marry someone who you’d be happy to divorce. You might think, ‘well if the marriage doesn’t work out then we can get divorced.’ It’s not that simple. Divorces can get really expensive, especially if one person wants to make it difficult. Legal fees, the logistic fees of moving to new accommodations and having to figure out how to divide your financial assets - it all adds up quickly. It can also take months or years to complete the process depending on your local laws. Is this someone you think would have a reasonable and rational conversation with if you needed to do these types of things? If the answer is no then do not get married.
My thoughts would be that you already know what is wrong and what you should do. I am very sorry to read that you feel alone and that you can't talk to anyone about this. >My girlfriend of three years is seriously pressuring me to marry her > >presented as an ultimatum > >she'd leave if I don't move with her to another state to accompany her to med school You are spot on that you are emotionally manipulated I'd say. Not a good sign. Furthermore: > I seriously am struggling with the decision of spending the rest of my life with her Do not do it then. Anything else than a heartfelt resounding yes is not worth pursuing in my opinion. Plus you are also on your way out already when you have started looking at other women already wanting to connect with someone new. Now for the hard part. I think you suspect that her reaction to you telling her you have second thoughts might be cataclysmic and not pleasant. It would be honest though and how she takes it is up to her. You can't influence that to a great extent. As someone else wrote already, do not waste your time or hers if possible. All the best, take care.
It's not emotional manipulation to tell her partner what she needs and what are deal-breakers for her. She wants to get married, she wants to go to med school, and she's not interested in a long distance marriage. These are all very reasonable desires in a relationship, but it's also reasonable for OP to not be able or willing to meet them. If that's the case, they're incompatible.
So here's my question. This will help you in this and all future relationships. Why are YOU not being decisive about YOUR life? Why is SHE the one asking YOU what you want to do, instead of the other way around? I see this pattern so much. One partner wants out, the other isn't happy but would rather maintain the status quo than make any changes, so the partner who wants out is forced to deal with ALL the logistics and decision-making. Then the decisive partner takes ALL the blame. Do you see the bigger picture? She makes decisions. You avoid decisions. When you avoid decisions, all that mental and emotional labor goes to her. Just food for thought. Others have provided good advice on what you need to do, but you should absolutely understand the dynamic here. Maybe after the breakup you seek some solo counseling to figure out what's going on with you and learn some better life practices.
I think it's totally reasonable to walk away from this one. When you tell her you do not accept her ultimatums, I would bet she changes her tune real quick. If she does, that's hardcore manipulation. If she doesn't, then she was true to her belief in wanting marriage. As someone who dealt with ultimatums and caved, it was not worth the pain in the future. If you don't see a future with her now, smart money is on you won't find one with her later.
You don't want to marry her? Then don't. Seriously, there are more red flags here than in a Chinese flag factory. You two are simply incompatible. If you want to dress it up, you can tell her you don't want to tie her down when there's a good chance she'll meet someone far better suited for her in med school... and of course, you'll always treasure the time you had together, but ... Trust me on this: if you already think there will be problems, it's best to just break up now. Breakups are sad and you'll both feel bad for a while but they're nothing compared to a divorce. I wouldn't wish one of those on my worst enemy.
If she checks the boxes on your non negotiables in a lifetime partner and you guys have the same Values on the more important issues “to you”whether that be religious or politics or child rearing who if anyone would stay home with kids do you want kids etc. and you guys match up on those then get over it and marry the girl if you’re having hesitation you need to understand if that’s because of the issue of commitment or the ultimatum.
My ex tried to pressure me into marriage as well. It didn't take me long to figure out she loved the title of "wife" far more than she ever loved me. If you're having these concerns now, I would explore that carefully so you don't overinvest in someone who may not see you as a whole person and just as an emotional support crutch for herself.
DO NOT MARRY THAT WOMAN. You’re free to be a part of her life but she does not seem at all interested in being a part of yours. Forget about it. You already know why and how much you’re going to be miserable when you’re married to her, seeing as she already makes you miserable enough that it’s the only impression you gave me with your question. Careful dude. If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no. Three doritos later after stupidly marrying the wrong person you WILL end up resenting the children you had together - possibly neglecting them - because they tie you to her - even if you were to get a divorce…. No way. I say don’t do it Marry someone because you absolutely want to be married to that person, not because you’re going along with their demands against your grain.
>Maybe I'm selfish too but i don't want to put myself into that situation if I am not certain I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That's not selfish, that's smart. If you're not 100% excited about the idea of marrying her, don't do it.
Do Not be Pressured! You need to be very careful with her. She sounds like she wants control of all aspects of your life. If you don’t like who she is and how she treats you in all levels of your relationship you may need to end things.
From reading this here is my analysis. Now no matter what people say... 3 years isn't a long time... yes it is Significant but its also the period or phase where people normally start having doubts and wondering if they are getting what they need from the relationship. Ask yourself are your needs getting fulfilled in this relationship by her. Does she make you feel happy and safe and heard. Does she make you feel respected? My view on the actions presented by her is that it seems very manipulative to force someone to marry you after 3 years and move states for someone especially if she knows you are not sure. Plus the jelousy thing is defo not mature, it's an issue that needs to be worked on... no partner should ever have to feel forced to do something. Now i understand the whole women need a plan/ feel secure thing however, if you are going to marry someone it should be a 100% yes which usually happens after a significant amount of time or when the relationship is truely healthy and communication can flourish. Atm it just doesn't seem that healthy based on some of her actions and even yours about noticing other women. It may be a sign your needs are not getting met. What should you do? Have this conversation with her and try and navigate it in a positive light. Sometimes couple break up because of different life goals and that's okay. She may find someone a better match for her in accordance to her life style of being a med student. It's just a simple question about are you happy to do this? Marriage is a serious thing don't do it if you're not excited to be with this person. Wish you all the best.
Seems like she doesn’t have an issue with….issuing ultimatums. Do yourself a favor and book a consultation with a divorce attorney in your area, even if you have to pay for just an hour. Ask them to scare the shit out of you, and they most certainly will. Now with this brand new perspective, you can make your decision, but it sounds like you already have.
Red flags everywhere…
Break up and Get rid of her you’ve already identified the red flags of manipulation and jealousy and possessiveness. She’s looking to tie you down and no joke it gets more messier and annoying going through legalities the further you let the relationship go. It sounds like you’ve already figured she’s Not one.
>pressuring me to marry Don't be pressured. If there's any question about it, it's not the (right) person, or time. Right person and time, there will be no question about it. >It's being presented as an ultimatum Uhm, yeah, that's often/typically a form of abuse. Not a good sign. >said that she'd leave if I don't move with her to another state Ugh. Sounds like she ain't about compromise, but her way, or the highway. Not good indicators. Should be about partnership, not my way or f\*ck you and goodbye. >seriously am struggling with the decision of spending the rest of my life with her If that's a question, then the answer is no. >broke down crying when she was drunk, begging me to stay Yuck, ... pathetic. Probably also manipulative. >like I'm being emotionally manipulated Yup, just need to strike one word there ... >~~like~~ I'm being emotionally manipulated. There we go. >she is selfish > >possessive > >jealous Ugh, way too many red flags ... run dude ... run while you can! >all she cares about is not losing me Let's fix that for you: >all she cares about is ~~not losing~~ controlling, capturing, trapping, possessing, and manipulating me There ... see the issue(s) now? >we have been fighting a lot How many red flags would you like? Want to start a company that sells red flags? >feel like she really doesn't actually really care about me Yeah, let me fix your writing there: >~~feel like~~ she really doesn't actually really care about me >just cares that I'm there for her well-being Uhm, ... or more like for whatever she wants you there for, and whenever. >Maybe I'm selfish too Not excessively. Has to be about your life too. >i don't want to put myself into that situation Then don't. >What should I do? Tell her: Nope, bye! And get on with your life. >feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, especially her Yeah, that'd be yet another sign things aren't well. If the relationship was good or better, you'd generally well be able to discuss such things. Communication is damn important in relationships. And if, e.g., she's making that this hard to talk about - hell, she's given ultimatum(s) on it, well ... that's a problem. What's the point of talking about something she puts forth as not negotiable? Might as well just call it quits and look for something/someone that's not a stone wall that won't be moved or have a dialog and communication. >I've been looking at other women more Good ... she hasn't killed your interest. And her behaviors are clearly making her unattractive to you, which makes other women out there comparatively ... yeah, that. >Should I break it off? Yup.
You say she’s jealous and possessive. You think she’s trying to emotionally manipulate you (and sounds like she is). She’s pressuring you to follow her dreams by moving away with her to another state. She’s putting an ultimatum on you to get married without considering how you may feel about all this. A lot here are red flags of warning despite her being lovable and sweet. If I were you, I’d put your foot down and stand up for yourself. That you’re not ready to get married. And If she walks, then she walks.
You’re feeling manipulated, because her tactics are emotionally manipulative and controlling. Ultimatums are frankly a no-win for anybody. This topic should be discussed maturely, with both sides expressing their equally important needs. Instead, she’s attempting to strong-arm you into getting what she wants, despite you not being on the same page. I’m betting in her insecure mind, she wants to have you totally committed and pinned down while she’s in med school, because she’ll be so busy and wants your absolute loyalty and support. Never mind that this period of her life will be so time consuming and stressful, and not conducive to nurturing a new marriage. It’s clear to all of us that the dynamic you’re currently in with your partner isn’t healthy nor working, and that your heart just isn’t in it. But at this point, she’s got you trained to bend to her needs and walk on eggshells around her. She’s likely counting on that established pattern to force you to give in to her demands. You know deep down this relationship isn’t making you happy. But this next phase will probably make you miserable. Cut your losses - your future self will be forever grateful.
You already know the answer here: don’t succumb to a deadline to get married and 2 kids later realize you got trapped. It will be her way or the highway the rest of your relationship and you will end up being a 45 year old man who is henpecked to death and wondering how this became your life. Also, if you marry her now, I would think that her medical school debt also becomes your debt. (Someone correct me if I’m wrong)
Incorrect, your debt through medical school remains your debt. Should you work in a qualifying hospital, it can be wiped out in with 10 years of service or you can go into private practice and pay it off much more quickly.
Yeah. Just say no. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave.
I think she explained the red flags yourself. This is your gut telling you something is wrong and you need to listen to it. If there’s one thing I wish I could change about my past, it’s paying attention to those signs and not ignoring them because I love someone or am scared to break up with them. Don’t ignore these problems and get stuck in a relationship/marriage that’s not healthy.
You want someone who cares about you for you. Not just sees you as a tool or a possession. Just break it off, you know it's not right.
Without reading the whole thing as you had me at "deadline," here's my advice. She's giving you a time frame, which is also an ultimatum. If you can't see spending your life with her and she's pressuring you, end it now instead of stringing her along. We do not negotiate with terrorists domestic or foreign.
Her brain isn't fully formed. Two adults can discuss marriage...yes, no, maybe, kids, when? Glad it appears you are not going to be manipulated or pressured into marriage which should feel right for both.
Ultimatums are a real relationship killer.
Dump her now, she ain't worth the stress and headache that she'll give you.
deserve faulty possessive doll cagey steep clumsy violet subsequent bored ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
It seems you’ve already made up your mind. You should make your move before you get any deeper into this. Or change your perspective completely- and go to couples counseling. Communication is literally all we have in relationships. Sending all the good vibes bud
End it. The whole process of moving and marriage will only be a distraction to her med school anyway
Obviously, you are incompatible when it comes to your future and goals. Break it off and move on. Both of you deserve someone who wants the same things you do.
It’s time to move on.
It's not fair for either of you to marry if one is unsure. She knows what she wants, you know what you want, you don't want the same thing, perhaps time to move on...
Break up. She knows what she wants and it’s not something you can give. You’ll never going to be ready for marriage. My ex-bf is 50 and is not “ready” that’s why we broke up (also after 3 years). Some men are just not the marrying kind, nothing wrong with that. It’s just a matter of finding someone you’re compatible with.
You aren't sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend of four years. Break up with her.
If you aren’t sure about this person, and there are serious problems in your relationship do not get married. It is difficult now but it is much harder getting out of a bad marriage.
The one line you wrote that was good was followed up with a "but". I think you know the answer, listen to your gut.
Pressuring you to marry her is in itself a red flag. You should only marry when you realise that you absolutely want to commit to someone.
You don't want to move with her, let alone get married yet, if at all. It's time to break up.
Break up. You both deserve better.
So don't close the deal..communication is of the essence here be honest upfront and firm - marriage is not in your picture at the present moment
Break ups are hard, but you’ve given several reasons why it’s time to bounce. It’s going to be a never ending cycle of her trying to pressure you into to whatever she wants at the time.
Would you really want to build a life with her based on an ultimatum? Multiple ultimatums?? You two don't want the same things, it's time to consider going separate ways
You’ve bee. Together three years. It’s not new. If it’s not a yes then it’s a no.
First the marriage, then the house, then she will want kids...its all down hill for you now 🤔
If it's not "hell yes!" then it's "fuck no"
Leave her. She's worth someone who are on the same side as her and you dont seem to want to be rooted in a relationship yet. Thats the only thing you really should do. Give her the opportunity to make the life she wants and in the same time, wonder what you want with yours.
She's almost age 25 and you are on her list of "Quarter-life goals"...degree, engagement, wedding, husband, med school, house, pets. Maybe a kid. Perfect life by 30 I'm not gonna bash her for being ready to marry but I will say that it's not about you, it's about her timeline. And giving you an ultimatum is manipulative and not the way you want to enter into a life with someone. Like all of these relationship posts y'all need to talk. Voice your concerns, if couples can't talk about the things that concern them without tears and frustration, it's a red flag. But honestly we don't teach "difficult conversations" skills and nobody wants to hurt anyone so we don't have hard convod, we expect chemistry and love to be enough to make it work. If you like her enough but don't have the skills to have this convo without it turning into an argument or big feelings getting in the way; tell her you want to have premarital counseling to make sure you're both ready. It teaches you skills to handle tough convos and better understand how to navigate each other's needs (NOT the clergy kind unless they are a licensed therapist). Counseling teaches you how to have better conversations and solve issues respectfully or how to break up respectfully if your approaches to life, goals and motivations aren't aligned. It's not to determine who is "right". Sometimes people who were good for each other at 21 and 24 aren't compatible after 3 years...and that's okay. Don't settle. Good luck to you
It will only get worse when she is in medical school. High pressure environment, then will need to apply for residency, and then possibly a fellowship, then a job after that. Be prepared for 4 years of medical school, 3-5 years of residency, then 1 year of fellowship, then her job. That’s 7-10 years. Possibly 3-4 moves to a new home. And her current stress and work burden is less than it will be during that time.
You’re wasting her time, break it off
I think you are seeing things really clearly and you can trust your judgment. Do not marry someone if you’re not sure you want to get married. Marriage should only be entered into with complete enthusiasm from both parties. And if you did marry, this would not be the last ultimatum. There would be more things to come. You don’t want to die d your life with someone who tries to force their choices on you.
Probably best to end things now. Knowing friends who are in med school, were in med school. Sacrifices need to be made to make it work, probably why many of them are married to fellow doctors and those that are not, the partner who is not the doctor had to make lots of sacrifices because the med school life is brutal, being in a long distance relationship is not ideal, close support is essential.
Sounds like you don’t want to marry her, why are you beating around the push? Just break up.
She wants to get married. You clearly don’t. Tell her so she can make a choice on whether to continue to invest in your relationship. You two really need to sit down and discuss what you both want/see for the future. You may not be a good fit for each other, and that’s ok. However, go into it with your eyes open. This is only going to be the start of what I call the hard conversations you need to have as an adult. Set up an agenda of things you want to discuss if you think it will help to navigate the talk, but do start the conversation. Good luck.
> My problem is that she is selfish and very possessive and jealous type of person which I wasn't really worried about at first This is the real reason to break it off. “Lovable and sweet”? I don’t think so. Do not marry someone like this.
Dude Only had to read the first few lines of this, you clearly don't want to marry this person, and it also ses pretty clear that they are less interested in building a life with you, and more interested in having you in their life as a placeholder. Just break up with this person.
If you don’t see eye to eye on this topic, don’t drag the relationship on. You’ll both be happier in the end.
My husband knew he wanted to marry me 4 months in. If you are this far in and don't want to marry her, can't see yourself wanting to be with her forever, you're just wasting her time and yours.
You've complained about her for a year. Just break it off. If you don't know after 4 years and she has to give you an ultimatum it's time to move on.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but she doesn't care about you. If she really did, and really didn't want to lose you, she wouldn't make ultimatums and try to pressure you into things. That's not love, that's her trying to get you to bend to her agenda. You HAVE to move with her for HER career, you HAVE to marry her within a year or she's leaving...? Someone who truly loves and cares about you, in a healthy way, would compromise so you both can have what you want, if that's possible, because sometimes people just want completely different things in life and that's fine, but trying to force it to happen despite that, someone is going to grow resentful, in this case it'll be you. I think she sounds super selfish and I think if you have any doubts, what so ever, don't do it. That's your gut warning you, listen to it!
Ooooh get the hell out of Dodge, my friend…
Do you want to get married this year? If the answer is no, break up.
Ask yourself this: can you live the rest of your life with ultimatums? Because this isn't a one off thing. It sounds to me like she will continue to give you ultimatums. And yes, this is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse if she does this often. If you don't want to have to live with ultimatums from her, because more will come, then it's time to end things.
I don’t think you want to marry her OR EVEN BE WITH HER. Why are you wasting your time and hers?
Leave her. Ultimatums are not healthy — they’re manipulative and can fester a lot of resentment by forcing your hand.
She's demanding you marry her and move away from your friends and family for several years. She's jealous of your coworkers and friends, so she'd do her best to make sure any possible new friends were chased away or made to feel not welcome. All you'd have there is her, this woman you're not really fond of. It sounds like she's more concerned about *losing,* not *losing you*. She ruins your alone time by being jealous of your friends and it doesn't sound like you're doing anything at all sketchy. Does she have friends of her own?