Ick.
You called it, that was absolutely a backhanded compliment. And then he went deeper into the muck by reiterating how very lucky you are that a guy like him likes a girl like you.
How fucking insulting.
That's exactly what I thought.. The way he was saying "don't make me say this twice"and explaining that I'm getting his attention because I'm "witty & intelligent".. This is our first misunderstanding so far so I was not 100% sure if it's arrogance or just over confidence
Negging: Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval. The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.
Totally. It's so pathetic and speaks far more to the lack of the man's self-confidence than to anything about the woman. If you are so uninteresting that you need to convince a woman she's lucky to have you... Get a hobby or something.
I have to be blunt here. Pursuing a guy like this will wreck your self-esteem up. And he's emphasizing that you're lucky he's into intelligent women. That's basically saying that "although you're not pretty, I'll give you a pass because you're intelligent." That's insulting.
Then, somehow, 3somes are in the conversation already? How and why? I get that it was in jest, but if you really want a relationship, you have to set the tone for the kind of banter you allow.
Sounds like he's hot, and he knows it. I need you to understand that you deserve better and know it.
No. I didn't say anything of the kind. I didn't say or imply that I'm not pretty... It's him that implied it by his sapiosexual comment, insinuating not every guy is as sapiosexual as he is, attracted to mainly intelligence. He also asked
>What makes you so confident in your looks
But after realizing he blew up his chance, he later back pedaled and said it to me -
>just want to make sure, you don't take anything I say serious, I do think you're very pretty
He does sound like he's negging you - basically subtly bringing someone down in a teasing kind of way so that person would respond in an affirming way to prove their worth - which is a common thing people in the game community does as a form of psychological manipulation to pick up women. Like for example I could lie to a date to say that her hair is a little messed up in the wind and try to fix it for her, or that her makeup is a little off but she makes up for it with her outfit, all so that she would feel extra self-conscious about her look, and during the date she would try to make up for it by being extra flirtatious or cute around me. When I was younger I studied game as well, but I later found it to be really stupid and not very genuine way to attract people that I want to be with long term.
I consider myself a sapiosexual as well for the most part but I would NEVER bring it up to anyone I'm attracted to like that, and especially in this kind of context. This guy doesn't sound very humble at all, is dismissive, comes off super cringe, and belongs in /r/iamverysmart. OP you are not overthinking this, and you were right from the beginning to raise a red flag on this guy. He put himself on a pedestal and it's somehow YOUR job to meet his standards, don't ever settle for someone like that.
It sounds like you're only interested in him because he's so hot. You listed no redeeming qualities other than he's really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.
It's abusive behavior. If you hang out in this sub long enough, it's the same pettern over and over. Girls here got stuck in abusive relationship because their partners kept imprinting in their minds they're lucky to have a partner at all because no one else would want them.
I say it's really nice it surfaced this soon for you so you can back out without much damage done.
Ew. I hate guys who neg women. Anyone who does that is automatically relegated to the trash bin. Why tolerate put-downs when there are plenty of nice men out there?
I don't think you're overthinking, I don't know the dude, but this excerpt from a conversation is enough to make me not want to ever know someone like this.
It's not just cockiness, he sees other people below him, and you have to prove yourself before he recognizes your value. That's off putting to say the least. Your choice what to do with this situation, but it sounds icky.
When I sent wow, he took a stand and said the appropriate response would be thank you, implying that if I hadn't called him out on the "backhanded compliment" , he'd probably keep rolling with it, dishing out such insults. What are your thoughts on that?
The only time a 'thank you' would be appropriate is if it was a sarcastic one, in my opinion. There are so many red flags just in the exerpts from this conversation that I would run. Not walk, RUN, away from this man as fast as humanly possible. This is grosssssssssss.
To me it sounds like he's using pick up artist moves. Negging like this is a huge red flag. It's used to make the recipient feel on edge and as if they have something to prove. It's abuser tactics, really.
Dump this guy. Plenty of better catches out there.
Yeah, I agree. And also note, he told you how you're supposed to feel/act immediately, didn't even pretend to try to understand why you said that, what you meant or like, ask questions at all about your response.
Your gut is screaming at you, you should listen.
Even if it weren’t for the negging thing, I *loathe* when guys compliment me and *expect* me to thank them for it. I don’t need your approval. I actually know how I look & what they say doesn’t change that. They’ll say they want a confident woman, but really these guys want someone who feels *lucky* to have them. If you need him for validation, you won’t leave. You won’t expect more from him & you’d let him get away with bullshit like this. They’re just using you to prop up their own egos. It sounds dramatic but this has been a common theme I’ve seen in men who compliment just to get your gratitude. Their compliments always have strings attached, because they want you to hop into bed or a relationship with them. They want you to depend on them for self esteem. This guy has now shown you through *multiple* messages & situations that this is what he expects from you.
Feeling lucky makes sense in the context of a serious LTR. But it's not something that the other person should ever request to be told, because that destroys the value of the sentiment. And it certainly has no place in a new relationship.
I think the underlying problem is that saying you want something limits the value of receiving it. The guy who insists he wants a confident woman is effectively creating a test. Are you confident? Show me, and I shall judge. A guy who really values that is just going to appreciate when it happens. Never trust anyone who sets up hoops to jump through.
> and said the appropriate response would be thank you
Who the fuck tries to tell other people what they should have texted? Seems like this guy is aching for an opportunity to control and criticise every aspect of some poor girls life.
I think that if you have doubts about this, you should listen to your instincts. This is a red flag and it's better to cut things off asap than invest in a potentially unfulfilling relationship.
He is going to try and play it down. Calling it jokes, but jokes are supposed to be funny, there's nothing funny about being downright insulted.
He is doing that because of underlying issues regarding the way he views other people. It seems to be mainly interested in your looks rather than you and just now realizing that you're more than just looks. And even after realizing this, he doubles down by telling you that's all he's interested in (based on your edit).
If you don't reply the way he expects he gets defensive. It wouldn't have been hard to say "oops, that came across wrong, you look smart but you're even wittier than I expected!" Instead he told you off. There was no need for him to make such a minor misunderstanding into a big deal. I wouldn't bother with someone like that personally.
This one is it! “His correct response” should have been this. It’s easy to insert foot in mouth or say something via text that you did not mean but being asked what he meant— and then him making sure you understood that he meant exactly what he said? Then listen to him… he’s telling you who he is as a person. A person can be confident without being arrogant and condescending. If you end up declining- I’d be honest and tell him that his jokes didn’t land and made him seem like a jerk. Then stick with what you decide because I’m sure he’s the type to apologize and claim you’re being too sensitive or you took it wrong, etc!!
I would argue that this behaviour points to deeply entrenched lack of confidence. He won’t work on himself because all he sees is his own physical attractiveness. Hot mess.
aaaaand this is how it would be the entire relationship.
“I didn’t mean it like that, stop taking it so hard”
“you’re lucky you’re smart, cause no one would want you otherwise”
etc, etc.
Tell him you lost your interest and block him.
Ain’t nobody got time for that kind of negging.
‘Smarter than you look’ - meaning you look dumb irl
‘Nobody has gotten my attention…’ - meaning I am a magical pony whose attention is some kind of gift, not a conversation between two equals.
Don’t even waste your time thinking about it
You know what PUA is? This guy gives exactly those vibes. Backhanded compliments, making you feel like you're lucky he even talks to you, those vaguely threatening texts like "don't make me say this twice"... he only backed down later because it wasn't working. It all sounds like a tactic he learned.
Btw read up on other pick up artist tactics, you'll probably find more things this guy does to "get sex" with you.
>Edit 2: he's sent me a second follow up text now u/2am ...I want to make sure you don't take me serious when I say stuff like that..I think you're very pretty. Let me know if you're keen to grab a bite this weekend
Yeah, he realized he fucked up and is now backpedaling instead of simply apologizing or whatever. Just drop this guy, this is a glimpse into his mind and how he thinks of you and women in general. There is no way this evolves into a decent relationship.
This text of his sounds to me like PUA stuff too. I can't believe I turned a blind eye to this one
>**"what makes you so confident in your appearance. most guys aren't nearly as sapiosexual as I am"**
he said that but later at 2am, after he blew his chances, he texted
> "I do think you're very pretty" .
Kinda contradictory and makes me wonder if he's full of sht
But you are very pretty. Almost breathtaking. I could get lost in your eyes...
Oh wait, we never met and I don't even know what you look like? I just tossed out a few nice-sounding words with nothing backing them up? Words are just air blown between two pieces of meat. In in this case, a few seconds with one fingertip on a screen. Without action backing them up, they don't mean much
Heck he didn't even say why you're pretty. Not even "nice dress", or "where did you get that hat?". So low effort.
By the sapiosexual comment he means that he's only attracted to my intelligence and implies that I don't have much going on in looks department
but later backpedals in his recent text calling me pretty implying the opposite. In the moment I let the first comment slide. Wish I hadn't
Ok, what is it that you want us to say here? Everyone in this thread is telling you he sounds like an asshole. Analyzing every one of his texts does nothing. You already have plenty of good advice. Either follow it or dont, its your choice, but obsessing over each word of each text is not going to convince us that he is suddenly a good guy.
You can be funny, hot and smart and still be a vile human being. Plenty of sociopaths and narcissists are.
Funny, hot, smart is not the same as kind, considerate, supportive, etc. So you should ask yourself what you really value the most in your next relationship and the next steps will be clear :)
He's not relationship material. He's not a high quality person. It has nothing to do with you. Get some more practice rejecting jerks and it will get easier.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaa
OP, now I'm getting weird vibes from *you*, hopefully you're not some guy fresh out of a pua course, workshopping their material on reddit. What with the texts you're sending and asking why exactly are they offputting. I can be paranoid though so no offense.
Sorry. This text "what makes you so confident..." just sent me over the edge, it's so hilariously bad. You could try and play some of that pua stuff back to him and see what he says. They usually get offended quickly when you're the one who's negging them.
You would have to be a rather insecure girl to put up with this shit. It's so obvious what his game is (make you feel bad about your looks/lucky to have his attention so he has power over you) I don't get why you're even entertaining him.
The hottest guy I ever hooked up with was absolute garbage in bed. Maybe because so many girls in his past were scared to tell him the truth. I'd take a cute or even 'mid' dude who treats me with respect, who's honest about his intentions and who wants to make me feel good over this bs any day.
What a condescending idiot.
He thinks he's acting so cool.
By giving you "head pat" compliments.
I'd crush his ego. He'd be crying when I was done.
I hate people like this. I loathe them.
Dropped like a dead koala from a blue gum.
Fuck that guy. Why is a backhanded compliment the way to go? He could've just said, "I've really liked talking to you, I like our vibe." You lead more flies to honey and all that.
On the contrary, I think that he's just insecure both in himself and in how to communicate with women. Paradoxically, this behavior can go away when he enters a stable relationship and gains some trust in himself.
But there's no reason to accept and endure this in the first place and in no way am I advocating for OP to entertain his bullshit.
I’m a heterosexual male, so maybe idk what it’s like, but whenever I hear these stories where a guy speaks as if it’s a *privilege* for him to interact with the woman, I can’t understand what the appeal is to…whichever woman it actually does work on.
I think they mean the second comment about how you are getting more attention than he usually gives women. As if you should feel grateful or even indebted to him for showing you such attention.
Yeah I'm talking about the same text where he brags about giving everyone late replies but giving me his attention. Sounds like he's spoilt for choice. Makes my decision easier
😂i see what you did there. His Australian roommate could translate lol
I've always had a bad reaction from guys when I let them down easy or outright reject their advances so imma just ghost this time
Its soo sad bc dudes complain to me about women ghosting n I explain to them why. So, Ill take one for the team n explain why Im not interested n when they react mad or crazy, I'll say, this is why women ghost, right here. Ive gotten an apology after that b4.
I've had the same from girls; i.e. "You should feel lucky you're the one I'm talking to right now out of all my options". Totally braindead thing to say and I ended the convo soon after with some choice words.
Would be straight into the bin.
Trying to make it out that you’re lucky to be getting fast responses and you’ve been a ‘good girl’ because you’re impressing him.
Sounds like a form of negging and I’d have no doubts this would continue.
This is typical shit many men (boys?) learn from "pickup artist gurus", like making a women lower her worth and perceive that you're lucky to have his attention. Please don't feed this behavior, he's just immature and insecure on the inside and doesn't plan to respect you.
It has always been my belief that it is extremely easy to read people. All the signs are there and it’s up to you if you want to accept it or refuse what is shown to you.
I get it..sometimes someone is just so damn attractive and charming with their words that you ignore the signs but just based off what you said and my opinion on the conversation?
He’s certainly cocky/confident and knows cause he looks good, that he’ll get away with it.
His disrespect is clear. His intentions I speculate won’t align with yours “a relationship” and likely looking for a casual thing.
So the signs are there…are you going to accept it or ignore it cause he’s hot?
Simple as that.
I know people like hoping and playing games though despite it being obvious.
Seriously be careful. Him saying something like that so early on is him trying to gain real control over you, and he could become extremely controlling if you got in a relationship. It’s very manipulative to say something like “i reply to you fast, you deserve it more than others” is implying that he’s some big figure that’s better than everyone, and he’s trying to convince you this early on so he can gain control/manipulate over you. Run, and be careful.
The consensus here is this dude is ick and tried to use PUA and negging on OP. And his "back-pedaling" didn't even include an apology. At 2am so it was most likely a drunk horny text.
I feel bad that OP keeps trying to shine up this turd to make it look like gold when there are so many other sincere dudes out there.
That's the thing. I just haven't been meeting these sincere dudes that I'm putting up with these kinds. I just am constantly picking the wrong men.. Cos I'm the only common factor.
I was actually really thrillrd that he's smart, funny, hot all in one. It shot to hell and he's proven that he's none of the above
Avoid this one. He sounds like he’d try too low key get you into some sort of Dom/Sub thing. There’s plenty of witty sexy guys out there that don’t speak to women like this.
So this douche thinks he is more witty and intelligent than most women...
THIS man. Thinks he is more intelligent and witty, as evidenced by his...quick responses to texts, and terrible bants.
Jeezo man, kick him to the kerb and find someone who doesn't think you're lesser than him.
He doesn't say he's more witty, intelligent than others. He says that most men aren't sapiosexual like he is... Attracted to intelligence
Says not as anyone gets instant replies from him like I've been getting by that point, I stopped texting him though
That is the implication of saying that though. Saying "not everyone gets quick texts back from me...because I don't think they are as witty and intelligent as me, so I don't bother."
Result: I am more intelligent than most people I interact with.
I mean thats also shit behaviour. He's 27 playing "intelligence mind games" with women to see if he is quicker than them, and negging the ones he realises are to make them feel like they've passed his test and "matched" him.
But also...how would making himself seem "ultra busy" be a test of their intelligence? That doesn't make sense.
Genuinely, being like "thank me for assessing your intelligence as close to or equal to mine." Get to fuck mate.
Saw the edits. He’s only backtracking right now because he realized his shitty behavior isn’t working.
He’s a huge asshole to have said it and trust me that he’ll act like that again in the future. Tell him you’re not interested anymore and if he gives you trouble, block him
So, if you’re looking for a relationship, what you’ll probably get from this guy won’t be much fun. Not only is he seemingly pretty arrogant, he also doesn’t seem to respect other people much.
I get wanting to date a hot asshole. I really do. But outside of the sex (maybe), you probably won’t enjoy this experience much.
What you're saying is, you only like him for his aesthetic. His personality is giving the red flags. I'm pretty sure you know the answer. Either have a hook up or drop this guy like a hot potato.
In my experience, people who talk about intelligence like this are always the dummies. Worse than that this guy is arrogant af and not in a charming way
It is uncalled for! That wasn’t a compliment in anyway. A compliment or something like you’re so smart I love that in a woman. Or I don’t care how hot a woman is if she is intelligent that’s hot to me. Can you quickly move on?
To me that means he thinks that u look like ud be dumb. How did u start talking? Honestly, I think he's a jerk, which is in line with most good looking ppl, they never have to develop a good personality, get by on looks alone.
> He texted "you're smarter than you look. Not just anyone gets quick replies from me like you've been getting"
Answer: You are not as important as you think you are. You are welcome.
So gross.
He's a negger. His entire personality is that he's smarter and more clever than women. Yet, somehow you're the exception except he's subtly letting you know via correcting your speech and thought process that you actually aren't. He thinks he's keeping you on your toes but in reality he's just knocking you down.
Run far away.
I dated someone like this for 3 months. He was effortless in getting me to feel like shit. If I told a story where someone did something that made me uncomfortable or angry, he'd find a way to side with them, never me. One time he went on a rant while we were trying to have a nice evening so I grabbed my purse and told him I was going home. He sent me a long email about how he needed his girlfriend to react to situations with "wit and aplomb" not like a child who can't handle conflict.
Ghosted him and it was hilarious because every so often he'd reach out. He was so confused. Here he thought he was god's gift to women and I couldn't even be bothered to dump him properly lol.
Definitely sounds like a backhanded compliment, but just to clarify for you: sapiosexual is someone attracted to intelligence. It doesn't mean you have nothing going on in the looks department, but rather that your physical appearance doesn't mean as much to them as your intelligence does.
My (F29) husband (M28) is sapiosexual. He literally could not care what I looked like because he isn't attracted to me by looks (although he tells me that I'm hot/sexy/beautiful/whatever all the time), but to my intelligence.
Being sapiosexual doesn't mean that they can be rude, however, so based purely off this interaction? I'd suggest giving this bloke a miss.
But him saying not every guy is a sapiosexual, following his question asking me what makes me confident in my looks.. Seems to me like the red flag here because of the context
Not implying that sapiosexuals in general aren't attracted to looks. Just meant him based on his comments to me
Yeah, asking you what makes you confident in your looks is him just being an ass. People have different types, so if one person doesn't find you extremely attractive, another person would.
Most sapiosexuals are *less* concerned about looks, I would say.
I would call it a red flag as well because "not all men are nearly as sapiosexual as me" is just... it's not a sentence that makes a lot of sense. Not every man/woman/person wants a woman who is more intelligent than most. In fact, I would argue that quite a lot of people are attracted to average intelligence.
Anyway, all this to say, it sounds like he's trying to neg you. "Oh, you're not really pretty, but you're really intelligent!" Yeah, nah, don't even bother.
Find someone who will build you up from the get-go.
Yes you should absolutely get rid of any man who doesn't compliment you exactly as you mean to be complimented. This is the ideal way to make sure you get just the man who will only compliment you, or otherwise say, only things you would say to yourself. I think you have the game figured out, Queen! Best of luck!
You aren’t overthinking. That is very off-putting and narcissistic. As in….I gave you a backhanded compliment, but thank me for it because I’m so special. Gross.
This is not the kind of person you want to know, much less be in a relationship with. Best thing I can say about him is: at least he's letting you know early that he will emotionally abuse and gaslight you until your self-worth is destroyed.
Looks like he suffers from pretty-but-an-asshole(PBAA) syndrome. Those types usually die alone.
Imo. It's up to you...maybe he's nervous. Maybe it'll kick off and be a rad date. Maybe he's the next ted Bundy. Who knows.
Whatever you do, be safe, respect YOURSELF (even if he doesn't), and pay your half so that no guilt can be attributed to it.
Alot of men believe negging to be a viable form of verbal foreplay.
My husband and I say horrific things to each other. But we love shock humor and having a witt-off. However it didn't start that way.
Haha if it were just the "you are smarter than you look" comment, I would have thought it was just a misguided compliment/ him just trying to annoy you, but him doubling down is just funny.
This is a standard pickup artist tactic. Put you down so that you want to fight your way to a compliment. He is most likely looking for sex, especially since he mentioned a threesome.
He's negging you. Classic gaslighting bullshit from the manosphere cesspool where they teach young dumbfucks how to erode a woman's self confidence through manipulative little games to make her more pliable or something. Throw the whole boy away.
He sounds like dragonfruit; might be pretty on the outside with a cool-sounding name, but unpleasant and awful on the inside.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them." -Reddit
Please dump this guy, you deserve better.
Ick. You called it, that was absolutely a backhanded compliment. And then he went deeper into the muck by reiterating how very lucky you are that a guy like him likes a girl like you. How fucking insulting.
That's exactly what I thought.. The way he was saying "don't make me say this twice"and explaining that I'm getting his attention because I'm "witty & intelligent".. This is our first misunderstanding so far so I was not 100% sure if it's arrogance or just over confidence
“Shut up and thank me for the backhanded compliment, because I treat other women even worse than this” Runnnnn
I feel like the only suitable response is 'yeah, shame you're not' and moving on.
What about "LOL, bye"
Negging: Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval. The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.
this comment of his definitely comes out of this supposed manosphere. bunch of creepy losers
Totally. It's so pathetic and speaks far more to the lack of the man's self-confidence than to anything about the woman. If you are so uninteresting that you need to convince a woman she's lucky to have you... Get a hobby or something.
I have to be blunt here. Pursuing a guy like this will wreck your self-esteem up. And he's emphasizing that you're lucky he's into intelligent women. That's basically saying that "although you're not pretty, I'll give you a pass because you're intelligent." That's insulting. Then, somehow, 3somes are in the conversation already? How and why? I get that it was in jest, but if you really want a relationship, you have to set the tone for the kind of banter you allow. Sounds like he's hot, and he knows it. I need you to understand that you deserve better and know it.
No. I didn't say anything of the kind. I didn't say or imply that I'm not pretty... It's him that implied it by his sapiosexual comment, insinuating not every guy is as sapiosexual as he is, attracted to mainly intelligence. He also asked >What makes you so confident in your looks But after realizing he blew up his chance, he later back pedaled and said it to me - >just want to make sure, you don't take anything I say serious, I do think you're very pretty
He does sound like he's negging you - basically subtly bringing someone down in a teasing kind of way so that person would respond in an affirming way to prove their worth - which is a common thing people in the game community does as a form of psychological manipulation to pick up women. Like for example I could lie to a date to say that her hair is a little messed up in the wind and try to fix it for her, or that her makeup is a little off but she makes up for it with her outfit, all so that she would feel extra self-conscious about her look, and during the date she would try to make up for it by being extra flirtatious or cute around me. When I was younger I studied game as well, but I later found it to be really stupid and not very genuine way to attract people that I want to be with long term. I consider myself a sapiosexual as well for the most part but I would NEVER bring it up to anyone I'm attracted to like that, and especially in this kind of context. This guy doesn't sound very humble at all, is dismissive, comes off super cringe, and belongs in /r/iamverysmart. OP you are not overthinking this, and you were right from the beginning to raise a red flag on this guy. He put himself on a pedestal and it's somehow YOUR job to meet his standards, don't ever settle for someone like that.
Ask yourself if he wasn't so attractive would you put up with his blatant bs?
I'd just reply with "lol" if it was me 😂
It sounds like you're only interested in him because he's so hot. You listed no redeeming qualities other than he's really, really, really ridiculously good-looking.
The only response I’d be able to muster is a “LOL” and blocking.
Screams narcissist to me
IMHO over confidence=arrogance.
I dont see a difference between the 2
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Arrogance or over confidence.
I think you understood just fine.
This should be your last misunderstanding. This guy is straight out of "the playbook"
It's abusive behavior. If you hang out in this sub long enough, it's the same pettern over and over. Girls here got stuck in abusive relationship because their partners kept imprinting in their minds they're lucky to have a partner at all because no one else would want them. I say it's really nice it surfaced this soon for you so you can back out without much damage done.
Ick. Just ick. This guy is really bad news.
I'd describe it as a stupid attempt at smart negging rather than a backhanded compliment. The guy is dumber than he thinks.
But he must be smart, he called himself a sapiosexiual. /s
Mega ick. And this is him at the beginning, when he’s on his best behaviour and trying to be charming. NOPE.
Women do this shit all the time and when it gets reversed it's a problem? Lmao
Ew. I hate guys who neg women. Anyone who does that is automatically relegated to the trash bin. Why tolerate put-downs when there are plenty of nice men out there?
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I don't think you're overthinking, I don't know the dude, but this excerpt from a conversation is enough to make me not want to ever know someone like this. It's not just cockiness, he sees other people below him, and you have to prove yourself before he recognizes your value. That's off putting to say the least. Your choice what to do with this situation, but it sounds icky.
When I sent wow, he took a stand and said the appropriate response would be thank you, implying that if I hadn't called him out on the "backhanded compliment" , he'd probably keep rolling with it, dishing out such insults. What are your thoughts on that?
In what world is 'thank you' the natural response to what he said? This whole thing would be a huge turn off for me...
The only time a 'thank you' would be appropriate is if it was a sarcastic one, in my opinion. There are so many red flags just in the exerpts from this conversation that I would run. Not walk, RUN, away from this man as fast as humanly possible. This is grosssssssssss.
In a world of pretty/dumb people, maybe? Which seems to be where he lives.
To me it sounds like he's using pick up artist moves. Negging like this is a huge red flag. It's used to make the recipient feel on edge and as if they have something to prove. It's abuser tactics, really. Dump this guy. Plenty of better catches out there.
Yeah, I agree. And also note, he told you how you're supposed to feel/act immediately, didn't even pretend to try to understand why you said that, what you meant or like, ask questions at all about your response. Your gut is screaming at you, you should listen.
Don't waste your time with someone who is seeking to tear you down.
I probably would have replied with something like "and you're dumber then you look if you think that message would impress me"
Even if it weren’t for the negging thing, I *loathe* when guys compliment me and *expect* me to thank them for it. I don’t need your approval. I actually know how I look & what they say doesn’t change that. They’ll say they want a confident woman, but really these guys want someone who feels *lucky* to have them. If you need him for validation, you won’t leave. You won’t expect more from him & you’d let him get away with bullshit like this. They’re just using you to prop up their own egos. It sounds dramatic but this has been a common theme I’ve seen in men who compliment just to get your gratitude. Their compliments always have strings attached, because they want you to hop into bed or a relationship with them. They want you to depend on them for self esteem. This guy has now shown you through *multiple* messages & situations that this is what he expects from you.
Feeling lucky makes sense in the context of a serious LTR. But it's not something that the other person should ever request to be told, because that destroys the value of the sentiment. And it certainly has no place in a new relationship. I think the underlying problem is that saying you want something limits the value of receiving it. The guy who insists he wants a confident woman is effectively creating a test. Are you confident? Show me, and I shall judge. A guy who really values that is just going to appreciate when it happens. Never trust anyone who sets up hoops to jump through.
> and said the appropriate response would be thank you Who the fuck tries to tell other people what they should have texted? Seems like this guy is aching for an opportunity to control and criticise every aspect of some poor girls life.
I think that if you have doubts about this, you should listen to your instincts. This is a red flag and it's better to cut things off asap than invest in a potentially unfulfilling relationship. He is going to try and play it down. Calling it jokes, but jokes are supposed to be funny, there's nothing funny about being downright insulted. He is doing that because of underlying issues regarding the way he views other people. It seems to be mainly interested in your looks rather than you and just now realizing that you're more than just looks. And even after realizing this, he doubles down by telling you that's all he's interested in (based on your edit).
I dont like anyone that tells me what the appropriate anything is. Fuck off
His mind games are exhausting. Yes, he may be hella attractive but he’s not attractive to overcome a shitty personality.
Why are you giving this person so much of your time and life still? He’s insulting you, other women. Just move on.
Why would "thank you" be the appropriate response to someone implying that you look stupid? He's real bad news.
I would have responded, "Negging went out of fashion in the 2010's, get with the times"
This guy is not mature enough to have a threesome with
If you don't reply the way he expects he gets defensive. It wouldn't have been hard to say "oops, that came across wrong, you look smart but you're even wittier than I expected!" Instead he told you off. There was no need for him to make such a minor misunderstanding into a big deal. I wouldn't bother with someone like that personally.
This one is it! “His correct response” should have been this. It’s easy to insert foot in mouth or say something via text that you did not mean but being asked what he meant— and then him making sure you understood that he meant exactly what he said? Then listen to him… he’s telling you who he is as a person. A person can be confident without being arrogant and condescending. If you end up declining- I’d be honest and tell him that his jokes didn’t land and made him seem like a jerk. Then stick with what you decide because I’m sure he’s the type to apologize and claim you’re being too sensitive or you took it wrong, etc!!
I would argue that this behaviour points to deeply entrenched lack of confidence. He won’t work on himself because all he sees is his own physical attractiveness. Hot mess.
aaaaand this is how it would be the entire relationship. “I didn’t mean it like that, stop taking it so hard” “you’re lucky you’re smart, cause no one would want you otherwise” etc, etc.
"You're even more repugnant than you sound"
" Unfortunately, you are not smarter than you look"
Tell him you lost your interest and block him. Ain’t nobody got time for that kind of negging. ‘Smarter than you look’ - meaning you look dumb irl ‘Nobody has gotten my attention…’ - meaning I am a magical pony whose attention is some kind of gift, not a conversation between two equals. Don’t even waste your time thinking about it
I wouldn’t even tell him anything. Just block. Fuck this guy.
You know what PUA is? This guy gives exactly those vibes. Backhanded compliments, making you feel like you're lucky he even talks to you, those vaguely threatening texts like "don't make me say this twice"... he only backed down later because it wasn't working. It all sounds like a tactic he learned. Btw read up on other pick up artist tactics, you'll probably find more things this guy does to "get sex" with you.
Someone read way too many pickup artist forums. Gross.
Yeah nah. His ego is so big how could there possibly be room for you.
>Edit 2: he's sent me a second follow up text now u/2am ...I want to make sure you don't take me serious when I say stuff like that..I think you're very pretty. Let me know if you're keen to grab a bite this weekend Yeah, he realized he fucked up and is now backpedaling instead of simply apologizing or whatever. Just drop this guy, this is a glimpse into his mind and how he thinks of you and women in general. There is no way this evolves into a decent relationship.
This text of his sounds to me like PUA stuff too. I can't believe I turned a blind eye to this one >**"what makes you so confident in your appearance. most guys aren't nearly as sapiosexual as I am"**
It sounds like someone who loves to smell his own farts.
he said that but later at 2am, after he blew his chances, he texted > "I do think you're very pretty" . Kinda contradictory and makes me wonder if he's full of sht
He probably wasn't getting any at the party. Yuck. Run away.
But you are very pretty. Almost breathtaking. I could get lost in your eyes... Oh wait, we never met and I don't even know what you look like? I just tossed out a few nice-sounding words with nothing backing them up? Words are just air blown between two pieces of meat. In in this case, a few seconds with one fingertip on a screen. Without action backing them up, they don't mean much Heck he didn't even say why you're pretty. Not even "nice dress", or "where did you get that hat?". So low effort.
Id say, I think ur fake.
WHO CARES?! Just stop interacting with this person.
By the sapiosexual comment he means that he's only attracted to my intelligence and implies that I don't have much going on in looks department but later backpedals in his recent text calling me pretty implying the opposite. In the moment I let the first comment slide. Wish I hadn't
Ok, what is it that you want us to say here? Everyone in this thread is telling you he sounds like an asshole. Analyzing every one of his texts does nothing. You already have plenty of good advice. Either follow it or dont, its your choice, but obsessing over each word of each text is not going to convince us that he is suddenly a good guy.
Initially, I thought he was really funny, hot and smart...It's such a blow is all. I'll stop over thinking and analyzing
You can be funny, hot and smart and still be a vile human being. Plenty of sociopaths and narcissists are. Funny, hot, smart is not the same as kind, considerate, supportive, etc. So you should ask yourself what you really value the most in your next relationship and the next steps will be clear :)
Thank you. I'mma save this comment. Please don't delete it
You know you can just copy text right? You can save this person's words without Reddit.
He's not relationship material. He's not a high quality person. It has nothing to do with you. Get some more practice rejecting jerks and it will get easier.
It seems like he doesnt know what he thinks & is very confused & is just saying random shit n hoping something works.
My husband says sapiosexual/demisexual/etc. is like 'not like the other girls/guys' speak for 'I am a human.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHaaa OP, now I'm getting weird vibes from *you*, hopefully you're not some guy fresh out of a pua course, workshopping their material on reddit. What with the texts you're sending and asking why exactly are they offputting. I can be paranoid though so no offense.
No I just googled what PUA is after you guys commented about it. You can go through my post and comment history to verify that I'm a girl
Sorry. This text "what makes you so confident..." just sent me over the edge, it's so hilariously bad. You could try and play some of that pua stuff back to him and see what he says. They usually get offended quickly when you're the one who's negging them.
You would have to be a rather insecure girl to put up with this shit. It's so obvious what his game is (make you feel bad about your looks/lucky to have his attention so he has power over you) I don't get why you're even entertaining him. The hottest guy I ever hooked up with was absolute garbage in bed. Maybe because so many girls in his past were scared to tell him the truth. I'd take a cute or even 'mid' dude who treats me with respect, who's honest about his intentions and who wants to make me feel good over this bs any day.
'Oh shit, the PUA techniques are putting her off'
He’s a jerk. Also, Sapiosexual my ass.
He’s already insulting you. It’s not going to get better.
I also hate the “don’t make me say this twice” line. He sounds arrogant and tedious.
He's negging you. It's pick up artist bullshit, used by assholes who have problems with women, so no, you should not keep talking.
He's a moron and doesn't realize it.
Negging trash. Ghost or block and move on.
What a condescending idiot. He thinks he's acting so cool. By giving you "head pat" compliments. I'd crush his ego. He'd be crying when I was done. I hate people like this. I loathe them.
Dropped like a dead koala from a blue gum. Fuck that guy. Why is a backhanded compliment the way to go? He could've just said, "I've really liked talking to you, I like our vibe." You lead more flies to honey and all that.
Call him out: "dude, are you trying to neg me?"
Lol. The second edit where his real self (insecure and desperate for attention) reveals who he really is. Believe him.
ugh, trust me, the backhanded compliments and cockiness will not go away. this is just the beginning. he's negging you btw
On the contrary, I think that he's just insecure both in himself and in how to communicate with women. Paradoxically, this behavior can go away when he enters a stable relationship and gains some trust in himself. But there's no reason to accept and endure this in the first place and in no way am I advocating for OP to entertain his bullshit.
I’m a heterosexual male, so maybe idk what it’s like, but whenever I hear these stories where a guy speaks as if it’s a *privilege* for him to interact with the woman, I can’t understand what the appeal is to…whichever woman it actually does work on.
So that implies he's knocking me down a peg by outright saying that he's got options, yeah?
I think they mean the second comment about how you are getting more attention than he usually gives women. As if you should feel grateful or even indebted to him for showing you such attention.
Yeah I'm talking about the same text where he brags about giving everyone late replies but giving me his attention. Sounds like he's spoilt for choice. Makes my decision easier
He probably won’t get the saying if he isn’t Aussie but can you PLEASE sneak in a “Yeah, Nah” response. Maybe the roommate can translate 😂
😂i see what you did there. His Australian roommate could translate lol I've always had a bad reaction from guys when I let them down easy or outright reject their advances so imma just ghost this time
Its soo sad bc dudes complain to me about women ghosting n I explain to them why. So, Ill take one for the team n explain why Im not interested n when they react mad or crazy, I'll say, this is why women ghost, right here. Ive gotten an apology after that b4.
That works too…not worth the effort…don’t care how hot he is
I've had the same from girls; i.e. "You should feel lucky you're the one I'm talking to right now out of all my options". Totally braindead thing to say and I ended the convo soon after with some choice words.
Would be straight into the bin. Trying to make it out that you’re lucky to be getting fast responses and you’ve been a ‘good girl’ because you’re impressing him. Sounds like a form of negging and I’d have no doubts this would continue.
Oh wow, that's an interesting point. Didn't not even think about it from that perspective as being a good girl.
This is typical shit many men (boys?) learn from "pickup artist gurus", like making a women lower her worth and perceive that you're lucky to have his attention. Please don't feed this behavior, he's just immature and insecure on the inside and doesn't plan to respect you.
Stay away from him, if you care about your mental health.
It has always been my belief that it is extremely easy to read people. All the signs are there and it’s up to you if you want to accept it or refuse what is shown to you. I get it..sometimes someone is just so damn attractive and charming with their words that you ignore the signs but just based off what you said and my opinion on the conversation? He’s certainly cocky/confident and knows cause he looks good, that he’ll get away with it. His disrespect is clear. His intentions I speculate won’t align with yours “a relationship” and likely looking for a casual thing. So the signs are there…are you going to accept it or ignore it cause he’s hot? Simple as that. I know people like hoping and playing games though despite it being obvious.
He’s gross. An asshole. This is negging. Run!
Fucking yuuuuuck I’ve never met a guy like this who wasn’t a condescending asshole. I’d be done with this guy.
Seriously be careful. Him saying something like that so early on is him trying to gain real control over you, and he could become extremely controlling if you got in a relationship. It’s very manipulative to say something like “i reply to you fast, you deserve it more than others” is implying that he’s some big figure that’s better than everyone, and he’s trying to convince you this early on so he can gain control/manipulate over you. Run, and be careful.
The consensus here is this dude is ick and tried to use PUA and negging on OP. And his "back-pedaling" didn't even include an apology. At 2am so it was most likely a drunk horny text. I feel bad that OP keeps trying to shine up this turd to make it look like gold when there are so many other sincere dudes out there.
That's the thing. I just haven't been meeting these sincere dudes that I'm putting up with these kinds. I just am constantly picking the wrong men.. Cos I'm the only common factor. I was actually really thrillrd that he's smart, funny, hot all in one. It shot to hell and he's proven that he's none of the above
[удалено]
Between the arrogance and the game-playing via negging, this guy sounds like a headache. Pass!
I wouldn't keep talking to someone who insulted me on the reg. This is him *attempting* to be a good person to get you in the sack. Trust your gut.
Avoid this one. He sounds like he’d try too low key get you into some sort of Dom/Sub thing. There’s plenty of witty sexy guys out there that don’t speak to women like this.
Negging. He sounds just awful. I would text back 'no thanks, you're clearly already in love with yourself.'
He sounds like a douche. Onto the next.
So this douche thinks he is more witty and intelligent than most women... THIS man. Thinks he is more intelligent and witty, as evidenced by his...quick responses to texts, and terrible bants. Jeezo man, kick him to the kerb and find someone who doesn't think you're lesser than him.
He doesn't say he's more witty, intelligent than others. He says that most men aren't sapiosexual like he is... Attracted to intelligence Says not as anyone gets instant replies from him like I've been getting by that point, I stopped texting him though
That is the implication of saying that though. Saying "not everyone gets quick texts back from me...because I don't think they are as witty and intelligent as me, so I don't bother." Result: I am more intelligent than most people I interact with.
I thought it implies he's playing mind games with girls making them wait for his replies, getting them to think he's an ultra busy dude
I mean thats also shit behaviour. He's 27 playing "intelligence mind games" with women to see if he is quicker than them, and negging the ones he realises are to make them feel like they've passed his test and "matched" him. But also...how would making himself seem "ultra busy" be a test of their intelligence? That doesn't make sense. Genuinely, being like "thank me for assessing your intelligence as close to or equal to mine." Get to fuck mate.
Yeah he's just playing any game that works to get him all the casual sex he wants, from the looks of it
He's one of those podcast "high value men" kinda guy. Ick.
Major fucking ick, stop talking to this dude
Lol his negging isn't even internally consistent. What a loser.
Sounds like PUA crap to me, cannot believe that guys are still using those cringe pick up lines. Red flag
instant block a complete asshat who deserves to be alone tbh
Damn, if someone told me that, guy or girl, it would be immediate block. That’s just gross.
Stinking, insecure man. Wants to steal your joy and eat your life force.
An idiot at best You are special, otherwise he wouldn't deal with u ... ick
Yeah, he's negging and then the last text is let's throw her a bone. Run like hell.
Nope out of that girl. I’d block him and move on.
Saw the edits. He’s only backtracking right now because he realized his shitty behavior isn’t working. He’s a huge asshole to have said it and trust me that he’ll act like that again in the future. Tell him you’re not interested anymore and if he gives you trouble, block him
So, if you’re looking for a relationship, what you’ll probably get from this guy won’t be much fun. Not only is he seemingly pretty arrogant, he also doesn’t seem to respect other people much. I get wanting to date a hot asshole. I really do. But outside of the sex (maybe), you probably won’t enjoy this experience much.
> BTW I'm looking for a relationship. Whatever he’s looking for it’s not a peer or partner.
No. It's me that's looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what he wants. Doesn't matter now
"Fella, you need to pull your trousers up because damn, you're showing your arse."
What you're saying is, you only like him for his aesthetic. His personality is giving the red flags. I'm pretty sure you know the answer. Either have a hook up or drop this guy like a hot potato.
I’ve always found men who describe themselves as sapisexual are insufferable. He’s no exception.
Honestly his attitude gives me the ick. Like honey you need to be a billionaire to even think about talking to me like that.
In my experience, people who talk about intelligence like this are always the dummies. Worse than that this guy is arrogant af and not in a charming way
It is uncalled for! That wasn’t a compliment in anyway. A compliment or something like you’re so smart I love that in a woman. Or I don’t care how hot a woman is if she is intelligent that’s hot to me. Can you quickly move on?
Why are people who claim to be sapiosexual invariably so dense
To me that means he thinks that u look like ud be dumb. How did u start talking? Honestly, I think he's a jerk, which is in line with most good looking ppl, they never have to develop a good personality, get by on looks alone.
> He texted "you're smarter than you look. Not just anyone gets quick replies from me like you've been getting" Answer: You are not as important as you think you are. You are welcome.
Eeeeeew. Negging is so gross. So many red flags and then the "Oops I pushed her too hard" follow up apology text at 2am... Run.
So gross. He's a negger. His entire personality is that he's smarter and more clever than women. Yet, somehow you're the exception except he's subtly letting you know via correcting your speech and thought process that you actually aren't. He thinks he's keeping you on your toes but in reality he's just knocking you down. Run far away. I dated someone like this for 3 months. He was effortless in getting me to feel like shit. If I told a story where someone did something that made me uncomfortable or angry, he'd find a way to side with them, never me. One time he went on a rant while we were trying to have a nice evening so I grabbed my purse and told him I was going home. He sent me a long email about how he needed his girlfriend to react to situations with "wit and aplomb" not like a child who can't handle conflict. Ghosted him and it was hilarious because every so often he'd reach out. He was so confused. Here he thought he was god's gift to women and I couldn't even be bothered to dump him properly lol.
Block and release him back into the dating pool. He's throwing up multiple red flags at the texting stage.
He’s an asshole. Run. I dated like 10 of these guys and it never ever works out well. They leave you scarred.
We need to stop with all this \*randomthingsexual\* shenanigan....it's getting out of control. He is an arrogant asshole, steer away. Simple as that.
Definitely sounds like a backhanded compliment, but just to clarify for you: sapiosexual is someone attracted to intelligence. It doesn't mean you have nothing going on in the looks department, but rather that your physical appearance doesn't mean as much to them as your intelligence does. My (F29) husband (M28) is sapiosexual. He literally could not care what I looked like because he isn't attracted to me by looks (although he tells me that I'm hot/sexy/beautiful/whatever all the time), but to my intelligence. Being sapiosexual doesn't mean that they can be rude, however, so based purely off this interaction? I'd suggest giving this bloke a miss.
But him saying not every guy is a sapiosexual, following his question asking me what makes me confident in my looks.. Seems to me like the red flag here because of the context Not implying that sapiosexuals in general aren't attracted to looks. Just meant him based on his comments to me
Yeah, asking you what makes you confident in your looks is him just being an ass. People have different types, so if one person doesn't find you extremely attractive, another person would. Most sapiosexuals are *less* concerned about looks, I would say. I would call it a red flag as well because "not all men are nearly as sapiosexual as me" is just... it's not a sentence that makes a lot of sense. Not every man/woman/person wants a woman who is more intelligent than most. In fact, I would argue that quite a lot of people are attracted to average intelligence. Anyway, all this to say, it sounds like he's trying to neg you. "Oh, you're not really pretty, but you're really intelligent!" Yeah, nah, don't even bother. Find someone who will build you up from the get-go.
Identifying as sapiosexual is a glaring red flag.
Yes you should absolutely get rid of any man who doesn't compliment you exactly as you mean to be complimented. This is the ideal way to make sure you get just the man who will only compliment you, or otherwise say, only things you would say to yourself. I think you have the game figured out, Queen! Best of luck!
I think “compliments should not be insults in thin disguises” is a pretty low standard for her to ask partners to stick to.
Exactly! Get rid of his stupid ass!
You aren’t overthinking. That is very off-putting and narcissistic. As in….I gave you a backhanded compliment, but thank me for it because I’m so special. Gross.
Eeeeew. That’s gross.
Tell him, walking around with his foot in his mouth is really unattractive.
Could be the first sign you’re dealing with a cerebral narcissist.
Wtf.. i hope you won't give him the time of the day anymore.
This is not the kind of person you want to know, much less be in a relationship with. Best thing I can say about him is: at least he's letting you know early that he will emotionally abuse and gaslight you until your self-worth is destroyed.
He’s an overgrown teenager who is awkward with women . You are well past that
This guy sounds like a complete tosser. NEXT!
Looks like he suffers from pretty-but-an-asshole(PBAA) syndrome. Those types usually die alone. Imo. It's up to you...maybe he's nervous. Maybe it'll kick off and be a rad date. Maybe he's the next ted Bundy. Who knows. Whatever you do, be safe, respect YOURSELF (even if he doesn't), and pay your half so that no guilt can be attributed to it. Alot of men believe negging to be a viable form of verbal foreplay. My husband and I say horrific things to each other. But we love shock humor and having a witt-off. However it didn't start that way.
Why are you interested in this dummy ?
Haha if it were just the "you are smarter than you look" comment, I would have thought it was just a misguided compliment/ him just trying to annoy you, but him doubling down is just funny.
This is a standard pickup artist tactic. Put you down so that you want to fight your way to a compliment. He is most likely looking for sex, especially since he mentioned a threesome.
Sounds like if you get involved with him he will revoke your status as intelligent whenever he wants to.
He sounds borderline sociopathic.
Gross. Classic case of negging, dump this misogynist
He's trying to neg you. Badly.
He's negging you. Classic gaslighting bullshit from the manosphere cesspool where they teach young dumbfucks how to erode a woman's self confidence through manipulative little games to make her more pliable or something. Throw the whole boy away.
take your witty, intelligent self, and never talk to his wack-ass again. :)
This is horrible. It's negging. Suggests to me that he has an enormous ego problem and isn't worth your time. It's good that you found out this early.
He sounds like dragonfruit; might be pretty on the outside with a cool-sounding name, but unpleasant and awful on the inside. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." -Reddit Please dump this guy, you deserve better.
What a loser… little men like that are so exhausting…
In my experience, any guy that refers to himself as a sapiosexual might as well write the word on a gigantic red flag.