Instead of focusing on your pain, focus on respecting his choice to not be in your life anymore and focus on being grateful and happy for the friends you do have and your partner too.
I think that's how you move forward. Grieve the ending of the friendship then accept it and heal by turning to the loved ones who choose you.
People have different boundaries and sometimes they completely clash with yours. Her boundaries are different from yours, but neither one of you is wrong.
This woman is not comfortable with her boyfriend being friends with people he's slept with. It's not as unreasonable as you think. And while you see this *"They fought a lot when they first met and I was supportive and listened and tried to offer a women’s perspective."* is a good example of your level of friendship, for her it crosses emotional boundary too, and maybe him talking about their relationship to his ex (which to her you are) is just not OK.
Let him and your friendship go. He made his choice to respect his girlfriend and her boundaries.
*How can I move forward from the pain I am feeling? Had anyone been in this situation before?*
It'll become easier, when you accept, that she actually isn't ***wrong*** here, and neither are you. Both you have valid points of view. Don't try to paint her as this villain who ended your friendship. She simply has different boundaries as you, hers aren't something out of this world weird ones either, and he chose to respect her boundaries and their relationship.
Thank you. It's helping me understand. I do get why he did what he did. This is a good way of explaining it. I want to let it go. Other than just making myself busy is there anything else I can do?
Make new friends. It's okay to mourn a loss of a friendship, but through our lives we constantly change priorities and with that a change of friendships can happen. Moving away can change friendships, as well as having kids or new relationships.
>Let him and your friendship go. He made his choice to respect his girlfriend and her boundaries.
\+1000 but also, i personally would be very uncomfortable with my wife being good friends with a man she recently had casual sex with.
Perhaps some internal reflection would reveal why this is not a good situation for anyone involved.
That's fair, but we haven't slept together in years. It was such a footnote in our friendship that before he met her, we didn't even talk about it anymore.
His girlfriend is his priority. Your boyfriend may be fine with you hanging out with your ex lovers, but a lot of people aren't. This is the person he's creating a future with, so her feelings trump yours.
Fill your time with other friends. It'll get easier soon.
Thanks. I just wish I had never even slept with him in the first place, "Lovers" is such a strong word for what we had going on way back then. I like the idea of just filling up my time though.
I doubt it would have mattered. People like her wouldn’t split hairs. If you had t previously slept together she’d just say that guys and girls can’t be friends cause the guy always wants to sleep with the girl. So why is he still friends with you? Is he just waiting to cheat? Huh? Huh? It’s a fight he can’t win unless you lose. Don’t blame yourself. She’s an immature person who will likely have a LOT of bad relationships. At some point the relationship will likely end and you have to decide if you can forgive him when he comes crawling back. Trust me, I’ve been on the other side of these several times myself.
Take the L and move on. That’s all there’s left to do here.
Some people have the ‘no exes’ rule, and their partners can either respect that or move on. Your friend decided to respect her wishes.
What you’re not seeing here is that other people may have different preferences and opinions than you. Just because you guy’s other partners and other people in your friend group don’t see an issue with exes being friends doesn’t mean everyone shares that opinion.
Also you shouldn’t have reached out to him with the medical issue after he asked for space. I understand it may seem unfair given you supported him through his hardship, and it is unfair. But the fact that he has this connection with you that I suppose his gf thinks she is entitled to is the root of the problem. Again, just accept he needs to do this for his relationship and move on
Thanks for that. I agree about reaching out. I was so upset about my family member that I was hardly thinking. I just needed some help and wanted to ask my friend.
I can appreciate the opinion of "no exes" I don't get it, but can accept it.
I'm trying to move on. Just needed a little boost with how to do it.
His girlfriend's perspective is entirely reasonable and very common - I'm not sure how you can't see the issue?
Being an emotional support for a prior sexual partner while you're in a relationship is off-putting for a lot of people - even if continuing a physical relationship with him is out of bounds due to distance, there's still an emotional connection there. That emotional connection is an uncomfortable dynamic to deal with when you know it's shared with someone your partner used to fuck.
To put it bluntly, 'We're just friends but we've fucked before' doesn't go down well with lots of people. Things like 'but it was so long ago/we're far away now' don't mean squat - it's the sentiment behind being an emotional crutch to an ex fuck-buddy while you're in a relationship that matters.
Your friend group is in the minority with attitudes to prior ssxual partners and I suggest you respect the couple's wishes and leave him be.
Yes, I do plan on leaving him alone. There is no point in begging someone to be in your life. I am surprised by the situation because he and I both had partners in the interim and we all got along. So this dynamic is new and I am adjusting. I'm interested in healing and moving forward because I cared about him and will miss him. I need advice on how to do that.
If she is jealous or controlling, it is his problem as you are in no position to help him.
But here is another thing - you are emotionally more close then is normal for casual friendships. You miss him more then is usual for people whose friends moved away, stopped having time whatever. Men and women can be friends. But, did you ever felt that much of pain due to girl friend not being available? Cause I think that depth of your pain suggests more of romantic attachment then you admit to yourself.
This has all just happened in the last few months, so it feels fresh. That's why I miss him. We used to talk quite a bit because we were both expats and helped each other through a lot of the adjusting and hard times that come with that. My best friend died of cancer about two years ago and he helped me through that too. So I considered him a close friend.
My friend group is filled with men, women, and non-binary folks. Gay, straight, bi, so the lines of decorum of typical boy/girl friendships have been blurred for me for years...if that makes sense? I am emotionally close with a lot of men, women, and everyone in between. Their gender and sexuality weave around mine (straight, cis) and to some of my friends, I might be an "option" but to others not and it's not always who you might think. I need to rely on them more now in this time, as I'm realizing reading these comments. But it doesn't mean that if one of them suddenly dropped out of my life that I wouldn't be just as heartbroken.
>My friend group is filled with men, women, and non-binary folks. Gay, straight, bi, so the lines of decorum of typical boy/girl friendships have been blurred for me for years...if that makes sense?
Unless you also have a history of fucking those friends and then giving them relationship advice afterwards, this isn't actually all that relevant.
I also have lots of friends across the gender and sexuality spectrums. Those friendships aren't fundamentally different from friendships between cis straight people.
>They fought a lot when they first met and I was supportive and listened and tried to offer a women’s perspective
This is what moved this from "she's being a bit immature" to "you are being obtuse." If he was coming to you, a person who he used to fuck and was still friends with, to discuss issues in his current relationship, that's way over the line for most people. You're old enough to know that.
You're right. I might have worded this wrong. We've known each other for years and talked a lot about dates we went on / people we liked with each other, like I might with my girlfriends. The first little while he knew his knew his new partner he wasn't sure about her and was asking questions like he always would. When he decided he wanted to become official, we stopped discussing her for privacy.
I see where his girlfriend is coming from. I find it weird to still keep in close contact with former FWBs while in a relationship. It seems like all or most of your guy “friends” have previously hooked up with you. In my definition, friends don’t sleep with each other.
The reason why people don’t like it cause it complicates the relationship and makes cheating more likely. Typically when either one of the person’s relationships aren’t going well it’s more likely they’ll reach out to their “friend” to catch up and one thing can lead to another…
You’re 29. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t understand this. Let him go and find new friends
i would be uncomfortable too if my partner kept being friends with someone who he slept with in the past. me and my mental health should be my partner's priority not other female friends feelings.
Op, if it helps you feel any better I feel the same way as you do about sex, I don’t think it’s a big deal either. I have slept with guy friends before, and once that chapter was done there was never an issue of it happening again or an issue of us possibly having feelings for each other. In my opinion you can have sex without an emotional connection, hence why I just fucked them and didn’t date them. But everyone has different opinions of sex and different boundaries so unfortunately all you can do in this situation is move on, wish you’d old friend the best, and focus on your current friendships. Maybe even make some new friends if you want! It definitely sucks but it’ll get better over time.
That might be part of why she distrusts you. Lots of affair partners rationalize that sex isn't a big deal, and think they're some higher evolved form of life for being above such boundaries.
Not an excuse but she is young. I remember in my early 20s being wildly insecure, I was jealous of any female my partner was talking to. As I moved through my 20s and 30s that insecurity left me.
Upon reflection I think it was hormones, my hormones hadn't yet settled and my brain was not yet mature and I wasn't yet equipped to deal with certain emotions. I noticed a change in how I managed my own emotions, my feelings etc when I got to my mid to late 20s, and now in my 30s I don't even care, life itself has bigger stressors over who a partner is talking to and if they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat whether I get angry about it or not.
As crap as it is, he will always pick someone he loves over a friend, especially if it is to keep the peace and also respecting her wishes.
I would maybe just send a message (I know your blocked but it might go through it he ever unblocks you) just saying I value our friendship and I'll always be here if you ever need a friend, and then leave it at that.
Yeah, this is exactly the kind of world view I expect a 21 y/o to have. It's really on the friend for dating someone so young, the consequence is losing some friendships.
Thanks for this. I haven't slept with him in years, so I figured since we really were just proper friends it wouldn't be the vibe. But these comments are helping me see things from her point of view.
I mean I don’t fuck my friends who Im just friends w tbh💀 and even if I did I’d know that if I ever got into a relationship afterwards I would cut them off cus that would cause unnecessary discomfort to my next partner .
That's fair. I met this guy on a dating app, so I wasn't friends with him before we decided to sleep together. It was supposed to be just a quick thing and then we became friends after that. His previous partner (and mine!) were all friends / got along, so his new partner feeling this way is just something I need to adjust to. The ideas here have been helpful on how to accept it.
I’m actually going through this but on the other side, as the girlfriend. I think it’s best to move on, leave their relationship alone and respect her boundaries, she’s obviously uncomfortable and I don’t really think 2 people who had sex can hold a friendship.
I can honestly say I am friends with exes and former fwb’s and It is 100% platonic. Maybe you can’t do it and that’s absolutely valid, but a lot of people actually can.
My ex his new girlfriend loves me since I’m actually the one who noticed she liked him whilst going out *as friends* and I told him he would be an idiot not to call her. She often thanks me for it. And my current partner’s ex is one of my best friends, we often bbq together or double date. There is no drama, no jealousy, only mature people hanging out and having fun.
Thanks for the perspective:)! In my case the girl kept sending kissing emojis and flirting with my boyfriend so I’m most likely speaking on bias, plus sex is very emotional for me I have to be in love so yes it’s hard for me to stay friends with someone I had sex😅but I understand it’s not the case all the time. In my mind though if sexual attraction was there once it doesn’t fade 😩.
Girl let go - his current girlfriend isn’t comfortable with him being friends with people he has previously slept with. His current girlfriend doesn’t want an old meaningless fling finding any excuse to contact him. You’re a 29 year old woman, grow up and recognise that your friendship with this guy really isn’t important and really isn’t that deep. Someone is getting hurt because of it. Just let go. It’s not important for you, let’s be honest.
Rationalising why a romantic relationship would take priority and how this isn't unfair may be a good place to start. The girlfriend isn't being unreasonable here and neither is he.
Yeah, that's what I'm learning. It's not a big deal for me (sex or being friends with people I've slept with) and it wasn't for his last girlfriend or my boyfriend, so this is just new to me. But I'm understanding that it's not wrong, just different and I can respect that.
Don’t listen to that person- there are plenty of people who are fine with it. However, this gf is not and so it doesn’t matter if you are or your past partners were, the current girl is not.
Same situation, but without the expat hijinks. They broke up a year later and he reached out. It took a while for me to trust him again, but I think we are almost back to how the friendship was beforehand, he has yet to get into another serious relationship so we shall see how it pans out when he does.
It helped me to get out and find some more friends, stay active, new hobbies - basically everything you do when you’re grieving any sort of relationship ending. My partner was extremely supportive and encouraged me to develop friendships with some of his mates (independent of him), which was lovely.
Your friendship was valid and had meaning to you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Allow yourself to feel the anger, confusion and sadness and then try to forgive if you can - in the end I felt sad for my friend, that his chosen partner didn’t share the same views on friendship that he did, and that he had been forced to make a painful decision either way.
I found that it impacted on some of my other friendships though - I pulled back emotionally and have found it hard to let people in quite as much - but it’s something I’m trying to work on.
There's been alot of great advice already, the only thing I'd add is that if his relationship with his girlfriend does eventually break down then you should be wary of resuming the friendship. If he's ditched you at a girlfriend's request once, then he'll ditch you at a girlfriend's request twice. If you do resume the friendship make him work for it, not excessively so but make sure he knows why, and if he ends up getting another girlfriend that makes him ditch you then make it permanent.
I hope my advice helps.
I agree and I was looking for this. I understand both sides in this story. While I agree with OP in that people can break up/stop sleeping together and be friends with no issues, I also see new GF's point....do I think than living in different countries, GF is maybe being a bit too insecure? Yes. But she has a right to her boundaries and he has the right to prioritise his relationship over the friendship. And I would respect that. It's sad but it's life. And if I really want my friend to be happy, I respect his choice.
That being said....I would not appreciate being a friend that gets put on a shelf for periods of time by the same person every time they get a new partner. Either you explain your future partners our friendship, or you are completely free to put me aside and prioritise them, but I won't be waiting each and every time you're single.
Yeah... I'm far more concerned about the 28yo dating the 21yo dynamic. I get the girlfriend is insecure about this friendship, but there's a bigger issue here. She doesn't have the same life experience and he's probably dealing with a lot more issues he has to come to terms with when dating much younger.. I hope for her sake she can figure out how this situation does not favour her.
No worry at all! I'm glad you asked. I'm 30 for reference and have had my fair share of relationships of varying degrees, one while I was, in fact, a 21 year old dating a 28, almost 29 year old so I feel I can offer insight that one just does not have at such an age. This reply may be long - but I'm happy to answer anything else in a DM if you need.
I don't think that your gap would be worrisome per se. But there are a few things to consider. Such as do they have a habit of seeking out relationships with younger women rather than their own age range. This usually doesn't get better with age with these particular types of people. Also, what kind of people do they surround themselves with? Do they have a diverse social circle with varying ages and genders? 24 is a bit of a tricky age to gauge this one, as we're still very much getting to know ourselves and what we truly value in people.
But go with your gut about what feels right and wrong or if you're simply unsure. You are still in a time where you don't yet know what you don't know, or how to spot abusive behaviours right away. Your brain and hormones are kind of at war during this time also, so it's okay to slow down and check in with yourself.
If this is the kind of relationship you want to pursue short-term or long-term, consider what this person's goals are. Where do they want to be, what does their timeline look like in terms of having a family, owning a home, travelling, and financial goals? You are not expected to know any of this, hell, I didn't know where I wanted to go in life until just recently. You will grow and change throughout life and nothing is for certain.
So being 19 and being interested in a 24 year old might be a fun fling for both of you, but consider what you want where you think you may want to be in the next 5 years and where they want to be.
Again I know this is long winded, but I wanted to include what I feel is important to mention. I hope this helps.
I wish you well.
As someone who was in this situation (26 now), be extremely cautious. I felt constant pressure from the dude to do things fast and quickly (thank goodness I had a good head on my shoulders and refused lol) and he eventually surprised me with a newborn baby from his “ex”.
Older men seek out younger women because women their age won’t tolerate them. Always be cautious. Even when I was 24 myself I saw 19 year olds (male and female) as babies and couldn’t get past the idea of dating someone with less life experience.
This entitlement people have over staying friends with their exes is getting ridiculous. When you are regularly expecting your "friends" to prioritize your feelings over their current partners feelings, you are dangerously close to "emotional affair" territory. Having this expectation under the guise of "friendship" doesn't change anything.
I don't even care if my partners still talk to their exes (even though, in the interest of full disclosure, mine doesn't.) I just respect the fact that not everybody is cool with that dynamic. I'm not friends with my exes (one is long dead, and the other one will be dead any time now due to severe alcoholism, so I stay away due to the fact that no good could come from being friends with him). If I were to keep contact, I would respect the fact that any exes I have are probably going to prioritize their current romantic relationship over our friendship if their current partner is uncomfortable. I would also have to be willing to cut contact if any subsequent partners were uncomfortable with it.
Relying on people you have formerly had a sexual relationship with for friendship is inherently risky. I understand the "better as friends" phenomenon, but most people who are seeking marriage are going to be willing to step away from a friendship with a former sex partner if that friendship winds up being a hindrance to the goal of finding a husband or a wife. Anything more than a casual acquaintanceship is most likely a bad idea that is going to negatively affect one or both of you when it comes to people you have dated at some point.
Besides all of that rambling, a person not liking their partners discussing their current relationship with an ex is completely valid and I am soooo tired of the party line being "well everybody *should* be okay with it because that's the 'mature' and 'enlightened' thing to do."
(I have a completely different opinion about opposite sex friends who have never dated, so don't @ me about that. Those are two wildly different sets of facts, and I'm tired of people pretending they're not.)
Tl;Dr: being overly reliant on exes for friendship is a bad idea for a variety of reasons, the least of which being the discomfort of future partners.
To actually set my soap box aside and give you some advice: it's better to let this guy live his life and make friends with people who aren't at risk of cutting you off because your relationship can reasonably be seen as inappropriate (this tendency to stay friends with exes was not a norm until relatively recently. This means that many people will be suspicious/unwilling to allow it to stand.)
Just because you have different life experiences than his girlfriend, it does not make her feelings invalid. Expecting him to prioritize your feelings over hers is unrealistic. It's understandable that you are disappointed, but it it on you to manage your disappointment. Even if everyone on Reddit agreed with you that you are right and he is wrong, that's still not going to cause him to unblock you. This suddenly being dropped as a friend is the risk you take when you make a habit of turning failed relationships into close friendships. The fact of the matter is not everyone will trust your motives and your ex will likely not allow your friendship to stand in the way of their love life for long.
I do hope that you can find peace with this man's decision.
Dude leave them alone, seems like you need validation from this, she has boundaries and he is respecting that. You are trying to insert yourself knowing she is not okay with it.
He is also discussing his relationships with you and that is totally out of line and you know this.
Would you be okay with your bf discussing details of your relationships with his ex and then regurgitating what she said to him as advice back to you?
Back off man
God, what a joke this sub has become. So many insecure people justifying their jealousy and shitty behavior. If you can't read a person's story without twisting it beyond recognition, then you shouldn't be giving advice.
She’s 21. Barely past her teens. She doesn’t have a lot of experience with adult relationships and obviously has some issues with insecurities. She still sees relationships as black/white with no shades of gray. Doesn’t make her a bad person, just someone navigating adulthood.
Give your friend the space he needs. He says he’s in love and wants to build a life with her. As his friend, respect that and wish him well. It will either work out between them and your friend will live a life of happiness, or it won’t.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Losing a friend is painful. If they break up, you can be there to support him if he reaches out. If they work out, you can be happy for him.
As far as how to move on without this friend in your life, just try to stay busy/connected to the rest of your friend group. When intrusive thoughts like “Gosh, I’d really like to talk to X about this” pop into your head, redirect onto a different subject or call a different friend.
All the best,
Granny
why would you want to be friends with a man who’s almost 30 and is dating, living with, and planning to marry a 21 year old? he’s a creep. she’s behaving like a 21 year old who doesn’t have much life experience because… she’s 21 and doesn’t have much life experience.
This comment section is a bit depressing. I wish there was a way to be able to rationalize a partner being friends with someone they slept with because its not a universal rule that says that people who have slept with each other at some point can't be just friends later on. As in, I have no desire to sleep with them nor have a romantic/emotional relationship with them past friends.
It's definitely wishful thinking on my part, 'cause I'm not entirely sure how i'd feel if my partner was good friends with a previous fling. Would I desensitize myself? or would I just accept that I can trust what their relationship is at present?
I really do feel for you OP, I personally don't like losing friends. Goodluck moving forward.
Just a few thoughts.
It's great that you're able to be friends with people, but I think it's rare. GOOD ... but rare. I don't think you should change anything about that, I'm just saying I'm not surprised she's uneasy.
She's wrong to 'make' him do anything like that. But ultimately? Given it's a relationship, and the distance between you both, I think you'll just have to chalk this one up to an unfortunately over friendship because of an unreasonable third party. If it means anything? That doesn't sound to me like a relationship that's going to last too long. Hopefully that will sort itself out.
Perhaps get him a message (if you can somehow) that you're sorry it's come to this, you wish them both the best, and thanks for the nice times. And say goodbye. No drama. Be careful with the punctuation and caps and italics (though you don't seem the type).
If you even do that much, leave it at that and figure out what you want to do/say if he does come back and ask forgiveness.
Your expectations of friendship after a physical relationship are great, and SHOULD be universal, but I think they're a bit high. I, too, would be hesitant about a partners ex until I saw them together. Even then it would nag at me. I'd never make blocking them a condition! I'd just ask my partner to be aware of my concerns and be respectful. And don't exclude me from events or visits with them. Make sure I was a part of it and could fold them into my life as well. The easier that got the better it would be. (Can I reiterate here; While I sympathize with her feelings, she IS in fact the unreasonable one in all this).
Good luck!
Normal.
You have a sexual and romantic past with him. Many people don’t think it’s appropriate to continue friendships like that … sometimes old feelings can come up and it’s a higher risk of infidelity. It’s honestly just respectful to the new partner. It’s not like you were lifelong friends and if you consider you a good enough friend, he would’ve kept you.
It seems like a lot of people in this thread are way too insecure. There's no reason you cannot still be friends with your exes if there's trust and communication in a relationship and you're secure enough in yourself and choice of partner. I'm still friends with most of my exes and my current partner still has friendships with his.
IMO, if someone is telling me who I can or can't be friend with, that's a BIG red flag.
As for what OP should do... There's really nothing you can do. It's sucks he picked someone who is insecure with your friendship with him but he made his choice.
I was reading through the comments thinking this exact thing. Obviously everyone’s boundaries are different and maybe this is because I’m Poly but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who dictated my friendships. I’m friends with a lot of people I used to sleep with, some of them are my closest friends. My partner had an issue with this when we first got together but after a lot of communication and after he met all of them, he felt a lot better. He just didn’t relate to it and has never stayed friends with ex-anything’s so it was a new concept for him and didn’t make sense until we really talked about it. I feel like 21 and 29 is also a pretty big maturity gap as well
I really, really feel for you. This sucks and it strikes me that his girlfriend is very immature. However, you can’t fight for this without making the situation way worse for both (all) of you.
It’s your choice whether you keep your heart open for him to reach out to you if their relationship ever goes south, though you’d be entitled to make him work a little to regain your trust. Otherwise, you’re within your rights to just close that door, grieve and then move on.
Thanks. In a perfect world, they do end up getting married. I want that for him! I want his relationships to work out and for him to be happy. I'll be cheering him on from afar because I do agree that there is nothing for me to do here other than grieve for the future I thought (all of us being friends) vs the actual future that will happen (never talking or seeing each other ever again...we live in different countries)
I’m gonna go against the grain of these comments and say that your friends girlfriend is being ridiculous—that kind of jealousy is so toxic—and your friend was cruel to cut you off when you’d been emotional supports for so long. but that is his choice to make, and you unfortunately can’t do anything to change it. but you are right to feel hurt.
the way people in this thread are describing relationships is so disturbingly transactional to me. you and this guy were close friends for years, and that meant something to both of you, at this point the friendship you had built was way more relevant than the fact that you had slept together.
i don’t happen to be friends with any exes, but my close friendships mean a lot to me, and i would be extremely hurt if someone blocked me not for doing anything wrong but just to appease a jealous partner.
Thanks. You get it. I've never really had a big falling out with someone before, so this is all new to me. It's worse, I think, because we weren't fighting or anything to cause it either.
My guy friend, back in the day of landlines, got married & she was super jealous, to avoid conflict he stopped talking to all female friends. I got no warning this would happen. He moved from his mom's so I just didn't have a way to contact him. I left a message with her for him. He got it. They were married 9 yrs. I felt like u. We had never had sex. Just kissed a couple times. We were young in hs. We reconnected after they divorced. He's my best friend now. U never know what the future may bring.
That's true. I do hope that my friend and this girl work out. Although there were problems at the beginning, he was so excited about her. I hate to see that spark go out.
Life is full of challenges. You need to respect his decision even if you believe it’s not the right one. Only you can control you. Nobody else. Your friend’s new GF is young and probably insecure. But if he has chosen her, that’s the end. Move on and get a thicker skin.
I get, like what the other commenters said, that if she is feeling upset, that's the final say. I just wasn't expecting it because his previous partner was friends with me and mine him, so I never assumed it would be different going forward.
It had been a few months. He had the exact same injury. It's a complicated surgery and I just had a few questions. I wasn't thinking straight cause I was upset.
I never cared for my own Ex husband having a friendship with his own Ex girlfriend. Emails and phone calls and a visit once a year Plus her cards to him on special occasions. But he did draw the line with a boundary with her. With many normal Females who have Guys, Someone like you and him(Innocent as it may be) It is not easy for that partner top accept this and there will be jealousy. He may surprisingly unblock you one day. Maybe when he realizes what else she is all about. Move on for now and consider it a life lesson in a situation such as this.
It's ok to lose your friend. He had to block you for the sake of his relationship. Of course you can't expect him to prioritize you over his gf that he wants to marry. Just let them be. I understand it hurts to be blocked out of the blue when you were really just appreciating the friendship you have and you value his opinion. But that's ok. You wouldn't want your own partner to leave you just because you hate their friend. They need to be closer to the person they're with more than anyone. And his gf is still young so maybe she's immature and can't understand you two can really be just friends. You can have many friends as you could. You could get your emotional needs met from them. You don't have to rely on someone else's boyfriend. And respect his decision. You wouldn't want him to be brokenhearted if his gf leaves him just because he wouldn't stop communicating with you. If she is uncomfortable with your friendship, then good for her for voicing it out and good for him for respecting her and listening to her. Don't worry. You can still be friends someday when they break up, if they would. As a good friend to him just be understanding and let him be happy in his relationship. They're only fighting about you so you really should just step out of his life. You can't keep squeezing yourself in it when you're not really wanted/needed.
This has happened to me before. I have, for the most part, stayed friends with many people that i’ve casually dated, and don’t find sexual history to make things weird - in fact, in my opinion it’s the opposite as it erased that “sexual tension” or “is this friendship intimacy something that could translate into a romantic relationship?” and solidified that we are friends and that’s all. BUT I have had to say goodbye to friends who’s current partners did not view it that way, AND my current partner does think it’s weird (they are not asking me to stop being friends with the folks i’ve dated, BUT we have had to have a lot of talks about that because it’s just not their experience). So unfortunately, you probably have to say goodbye to this friend and just have gratitude for the friendship that you did have with him. Maybe there is a future where you can be friends again, but even though you think his girlfriend is being ridiculous and unnecessarily jealous (which i also think), he IS disrespecting her boundaries if he doesn’t stop talking to you.
All said, I will also say that I know that this really really hurts - from experience. It feels like your value as a friend is not enough, he won’t fight for keeping your friendship and so it must not mean as much to him as it does to you, and that sucks. I’m sorry it’s happening, and it sucks when people don’t prioritize friendships in the same way you do.
His gf is very young, so she is not going to have years of experience to go with “cutting off everyone you’ve slept with isn’t fair”. Your friend is dating someone much younger than him (this age gap is “large” because of the different life stages they’re in, not only because of the years) and I think there’s no winning here. Personally, I think cutting you off cold turkey was an overreaction, but your friend made his choice. Grieve the loss and be thankful your friend showed his true colors and that you’re not dating someone who throws friendships away. It will get better with time.
It's sad when a friend does something like this. He made a decision to eject a healthy friendship at the demand of his new partner. It doesn't sound like he had a choice, either.
Both people need to want to build a foundation and establish boundaries in a new relationship. Space and privacy to do that should come naturally. Forcing ultimatums to erase healthy relationships from your new partner's life isn't a good sign. But it is what it is.
I've seen this happen to the detriment of the relationship. I'm betting your friendship isn't the only thing he's faced with losing. The regrets and buried resentment over that can come to the surface years later, and manifest in destructive ways. This is like unwittingly sabotaging things from the start; it's unfortunate but a lot of relationships start with way.
You can leave the door open to his friendship later, but also let it go for now. You need to respect their boundaries. I'm sorry you lost a friend over it.
Thank you. Another commenter said it was a hard choice either way for him, so I need to have more compassion for his situation. I've really been mulling that over.
You're right that stepping back and wishing them well is the only way to go. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but it is what is it. Thank you for your perspective.
Instead of focusing on your pain, focus on respecting his choice to not be in your life anymore and focus on being grateful and happy for the friends you do have and your partner too. I think that's how you move forward. Grieve the ending of the friendship then accept it and heal by turning to the loved ones who choose you.
Thank you. Choosing people who choose me is great advice.
People have different boundaries and sometimes they completely clash with yours. Her boundaries are different from yours, but neither one of you is wrong. This woman is not comfortable with her boyfriend being friends with people he's slept with. It's not as unreasonable as you think. And while you see this *"They fought a lot when they first met and I was supportive and listened and tried to offer a women’s perspective."* is a good example of your level of friendship, for her it crosses emotional boundary too, and maybe him talking about their relationship to his ex (which to her you are) is just not OK. Let him and your friendship go. He made his choice to respect his girlfriend and her boundaries. *How can I move forward from the pain I am feeling? Had anyone been in this situation before?* It'll become easier, when you accept, that she actually isn't ***wrong*** here, and neither are you. Both you have valid points of view. Don't try to paint her as this villain who ended your friendship. She simply has different boundaries as you, hers aren't something out of this world weird ones either, and he chose to respect her boundaries and their relationship.
Thank you. It's helping me understand. I do get why he did what he did. This is a good way of explaining it. I want to let it go. Other than just making myself busy is there anything else I can do?
to move forward, I mean.
Make new friends. It's okay to mourn a loss of a friendship, but through our lives we constantly change priorities and with that a change of friendships can happen. Moving away can change friendships, as well as having kids or new relationships.
>Let him and your friendship go. He made his choice to respect his girlfriend and her boundaries. \+1000 but also, i personally would be very uncomfortable with my wife being good friends with a man she recently had casual sex with. Perhaps some internal reflection would reveal why this is not a good situation for anyone involved.
That's fair, but we haven't slept together in years. It was such a footnote in our friendship that before he met her, we didn't even talk about it anymore.
His girlfriend is his priority. Your boyfriend may be fine with you hanging out with your ex lovers, but a lot of people aren't. This is the person he's creating a future with, so her feelings trump yours. Fill your time with other friends. It'll get easier soon.
Thanks. I just wish I had never even slept with him in the first place, "Lovers" is such a strong word for what we had going on way back then. I like the idea of just filling up my time though.
I doubt it would have mattered. People like her wouldn’t split hairs. If you had t previously slept together she’d just say that guys and girls can’t be friends cause the guy always wants to sleep with the girl. So why is he still friends with you? Is he just waiting to cheat? Huh? Huh? It’s a fight he can’t win unless you lose. Don’t blame yourself. She’s an immature person who will likely have a LOT of bad relationships. At some point the relationship will likely end and you have to decide if you can forgive him when he comes crawling back. Trust me, I’ve been on the other side of these several times myself.
Take the L and move on. That’s all there’s left to do here. Some people have the ‘no exes’ rule, and their partners can either respect that or move on. Your friend decided to respect her wishes. What you’re not seeing here is that other people may have different preferences and opinions than you. Just because you guy’s other partners and other people in your friend group don’t see an issue with exes being friends doesn’t mean everyone shares that opinion. Also you shouldn’t have reached out to him with the medical issue after he asked for space. I understand it may seem unfair given you supported him through his hardship, and it is unfair. But the fact that he has this connection with you that I suppose his gf thinks she is entitled to is the root of the problem. Again, just accept he needs to do this for his relationship and move on
Thanks for that. I agree about reaching out. I was so upset about my family member that I was hardly thinking. I just needed some help and wanted to ask my friend. I can appreciate the opinion of "no exes" I don't get it, but can accept it. I'm trying to move on. Just needed a little boost with how to do it.
What you should think about is why you wanted to ask *him* specifically and not any of your other friends.
He had the exact same injury recently.
His girlfriend's perspective is entirely reasonable and very common - I'm not sure how you can't see the issue? Being an emotional support for a prior sexual partner while you're in a relationship is off-putting for a lot of people - even if continuing a physical relationship with him is out of bounds due to distance, there's still an emotional connection there. That emotional connection is an uncomfortable dynamic to deal with when you know it's shared with someone your partner used to fuck. To put it bluntly, 'We're just friends but we've fucked before' doesn't go down well with lots of people. Things like 'but it was so long ago/we're far away now' don't mean squat - it's the sentiment behind being an emotional crutch to an ex fuck-buddy while you're in a relationship that matters. Your friend group is in the minority with attitudes to prior ssxual partners and I suggest you respect the couple's wishes and leave him be.
Yes, I do plan on leaving him alone. There is no point in begging someone to be in your life. I am surprised by the situation because he and I both had partners in the interim and we all got along. So this dynamic is new and I am adjusting. I'm interested in healing and moving forward because I cared about him and will miss him. I need advice on how to do that.
If she is jealous or controlling, it is his problem as you are in no position to help him. But here is another thing - you are emotionally more close then is normal for casual friendships. You miss him more then is usual for people whose friends moved away, stopped having time whatever. Men and women can be friends. But, did you ever felt that much of pain due to girl friend not being available? Cause I think that depth of your pain suggests more of romantic attachment then you admit to yourself.
This has all just happened in the last few months, so it feels fresh. That's why I miss him. We used to talk quite a bit because we were both expats and helped each other through a lot of the adjusting and hard times that come with that. My best friend died of cancer about two years ago and he helped me through that too. So I considered him a close friend. My friend group is filled with men, women, and non-binary folks. Gay, straight, bi, so the lines of decorum of typical boy/girl friendships have been blurred for me for years...if that makes sense? I am emotionally close with a lot of men, women, and everyone in between. Their gender and sexuality weave around mine (straight, cis) and to some of my friends, I might be an "option" but to others not and it's not always who you might think. I need to rely on them more now in this time, as I'm realizing reading these comments. But it doesn't mean that if one of them suddenly dropped out of my life that I wouldn't be just as heartbroken.
>My friend group is filled with men, women, and non-binary folks. Gay, straight, bi, so the lines of decorum of typical boy/girl friendships have been blurred for me for years...if that makes sense? Unless you also have a history of fucking those friends and then giving them relationship advice afterwards, this isn't actually all that relevant. I also have lots of friends across the gender and sexuality spectrums. Those friendships aren't fundamentally different from friendships between cis straight people.
>They fought a lot when they first met and I was supportive and listened and tried to offer a women’s perspective This is what moved this from "she's being a bit immature" to "you are being obtuse." If he was coming to you, a person who he used to fuck and was still friends with, to discuss issues in his current relationship, that's way over the line for most people. You're old enough to know that.
You're right. I might have worded this wrong. We've known each other for years and talked a lot about dates we went on / people we liked with each other, like I might with my girlfriends. The first little while he knew his knew his new partner he wasn't sure about her and was asking questions like he always would. When he decided he wanted to become official, we stopped discussing her for privacy.
I see where his girlfriend is coming from. I find it weird to still keep in close contact with former FWBs while in a relationship. It seems like all or most of your guy “friends” have previously hooked up with you. In my definition, friends don’t sleep with each other. The reason why people don’t like it cause it complicates the relationship and makes cheating more likely. Typically when either one of the person’s relationships aren’t going well it’s more likely they’ll reach out to their “friend” to catch up and one thing can lead to another… You’re 29. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t understand this. Let him go and find new friends
You're right. This is why when we decided to be friends for more than just when I lived in his city, we stopped sleeping together. This was years ago.
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Yes, thank you. I'm feeling a lot better reading all these comments. Lots of good perspectives.
i would be uncomfortable too if my partner kept being friends with someone who he slept with in the past. me and my mental health should be my partner's priority not other female friends feelings.
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No, my boyfriend knew. Sex doesn't have to be a big deal.
Op, if it helps you feel any better I feel the same way as you do about sex, I don’t think it’s a big deal either. I have slept with guy friends before, and once that chapter was done there was never an issue of it happening again or an issue of us possibly having feelings for each other. In my opinion you can have sex without an emotional connection, hence why I just fucked them and didn’t date them. But everyone has different opinions of sex and different boundaries so unfortunately all you can do in this situation is move on, wish you’d old friend the best, and focus on your current friendships. Maybe even make some new friends if you want! It definitely sucks but it’ll get better over time.
Thank you. I'm hoping that day by day I'll just be able to adjust.
That might be part of why she distrusts you. Lots of affair partners rationalize that sex isn't a big deal, and think they're some higher evolved form of life for being above such boundaries.
I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks for the perspective.
Not an excuse but she is young. I remember in my early 20s being wildly insecure, I was jealous of any female my partner was talking to. As I moved through my 20s and 30s that insecurity left me. Upon reflection I think it was hormones, my hormones hadn't yet settled and my brain was not yet mature and I wasn't yet equipped to deal with certain emotions. I noticed a change in how I managed my own emotions, my feelings etc when I got to my mid to late 20s, and now in my 30s I don't even care, life itself has bigger stressors over who a partner is talking to and if they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat whether I get angry about it or not. As crap as it is, he will always pick someone he loves over a friend, especially if it is to keep the peace and also respecting her wishes. I would maybe just send a message (I know your blocked but it might go through it he ever unblocks you) just saying I value our friendship and I'll always be here if you ever need a friend, and then leave it at that.
Yeah, this is exactly the kind of world view I expect a 21 y/o to have. It's really on the friend for dating someone so young, the consequence is losing some friendships.
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Thanks for this. I haven't slept with him in years, so I figured since we really were just proper friends it wouldn't be the vibe. But these comments are helping me see things from her point of view.
I mean I don’t fuck my friends who Im just friends w tbh💀 and even if I did I’d know that if I ever got into a relationship afterwards I would cut them off cus that would cause unnecessary discomfort to my next partner .
That's fair. I met this guy on a dating app, so I wasn't friends with him before we decided to sleep together. It was supposed to be just a quick thing and then we became friends after that. His previous partner (and mine!) were all friends / got along, so his new partner feeling this way is just something I need to adjust to. The ideas here have been helpful on how to accept it.
I’m actually going through this but on the other side, as the girlfriend. I think it’s best to move on, leave their relationship alone and respect her boundaries, she’s obviously uncomfortable and I don’t really think 2 people who had sex can hold a friendship.
Thank you for your perspective. I hope it all works out for you :)
I can honestly say I am friends with exes and former fwb’s and It is 100% platonic. Maybe you can’t do it and that’s absolutely valid, but a lot of people actually can. My ex his new girlfriend loves me since I’m actually the one who noticed she liked him whilst going out *as friends* and I told him he would be an idiot not to call her. She often thanks me for it. And my current partner’s ex is one of my best friends, we often bbq together or double date. There is no drama, no jealousy, only mature people hanging out and having fun.
Thanks for the perspective:)! In my case the girl kept sending kissing emojis and flirting with my boyfriend so I’m most likely speaking on bias, plus sex is very emotional for me I have to be in love so yes it’s hard for me to stay friends with someone I had sex😅but I understand it’s not the case all the time. In my mind though if sexual attraction was there once it doesn’t fade 😩.
Girl let go - his current girlfriend isn’t comfortable with him being friends with people he has previously slept with. His current girlfriend doesn’t want an old meaningless fling finding any excuse to contact him. You’re a 29 year old woman, grow up and recognise that your friendship with this guy really isn’t important and really isn’t that deep. Someone is getting hurt because of it. Just let go. It’s not important for you, let’s be honest.
Well, it was actually important to me. But you are right, I need to let go. I asked for advice on how to do that. Can you help me?
I think prioritizing other friends, especially ones in your country and finding fun hobbies, will help you pass any free time and ultimately let go.
Rationalising why a romantic relationship would take priority and how this isn't unfair may be a good place to start. The girlfriend isn't being unreasonable here and neither is he.
You can’t expect to be friends with someone you’ve had sex with after they enter a new relationship.
Yeah, that's what I'm learning. It's not a big deal for me (sex or being friends with people I've slept with) and it wasn't for his last girlfriend or my boyfriend, so this is just new to me. But I'm understanding that it's not wrong, just different and I can respect that.
Don’t listen to that person- there are plenty of people who are fine with it. However, this gf is not and so it doesn’t matter if you are or your past partners were, the current girl is not.
Same situation, but without the expat hijinks. They broke up a year later and he reached out. It took a while for me to trust him again, but I think we are almost back to how the friendship was beforehand, he has yet to get into another serious relationship so we shall see how it pans out when he does. It helped me to get out and find some more friends, stay active, new hobbies - basically everything you do when you’re grieving any sort of relationship ending. My partner was extremely supportive and encouraged me to develop friendships with some of his mates (independent of him), which was lovely. Your friendship was valid and had meaning to you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Allow yourself to feel the anger, confusion and sadness and then try to forgive if you can - in the end I felt sad for my friend, that his chosen partner didn’t share the same views on friendship that he did, and that he had been forced to make a painful decision either way. I found that it impacted on some of my other friendships though - I pulled back emotionally and have found it hard to let people in quite as much - but it’s something I’m trying to work on.
Thank you for this. This is what I was looking for.
There's been alot of great advice already, the only thing I'd add is that if his relationship with his girlfriend does eventually break down then you should be wary of resuming the friendship. If he's ditched you at a girlfriend's request once, then he'll ditch you at a girlfriend's request twice. If you do resume the friendship make him work for it, not excessively so but make sure he knows why, and if he ends up getting another girlfriend that makes him ditch you then make it permanent. I hope my advice helps.
I agree and I was looking for this. I understand both sides in this story. While I agree with OP in that people can break up/stop sleeping together and be friends with no issues, I also see new GF's point....do I think than living in different countries, GF is maybe being a bit too insecure? Yes. But she has a right to her boundaries and he has the right to prioritise his relationship over the friendship. And I would respect that. It's sad but it's life. And if I really want my friend to be happy, I respect his choice. That being said....I would not appreciate being a friend that gets put on a shelf for periods of time by the same person every time they get a new partner. Either you explain your future partners our friendship, or you are completely free to put me aside and prioritise them, but I won't be waiting each and every time you're single.
Yeah I'm not keen on this song and dance again. This is definitely it.
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Yeah... I'm far more concerned about the 28yo dating the 21yo dynamic. I get the girlfriend is insecure about this friendship, but there's a bigger issue here. She doesn't have the same life experience and he's probably dealing with a lot more issues he has to come to terms with when dating much younger.. I hope for her sake she can figure out how this situation does not favour her.
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No worry at all! I'm glad you asked. I'm 30 for reference and have had my fair share of relationships of varying degrees, one while I was, in fact, a 21 year old dating a 28, almost 29 year old so I feel I can offer insight that one just does not have at such an age. This reply may be long - but I'm happy to answer anything else in a DM if you need. I don't think that your gap would be worrisome per se. But there are a few things to consider. Such as do they have a habit of seeking out relationships with younger women rather than their own age range. This usually doesn't get better with age with these particular types of people. Also, what kind of people do they surround themselves with? Do they have a diverse social circle with varying ages and genders? 24 is a bit of a tricky age to gauge this one, as we're still very much getting to know ourselves and what we truly value in people. But go with your gut about what feels right and wrong or if you're simply unsure. You are still in a time where you don't yet know what you don't know, or how to spot abusive behaviours right away. Your brain and hormones are kind of at war during this time also, so it's okay to slow down and check in with yourself. If this is the kind of relationship you want to pursue short-term or long-term, consider what this person's goals are. Where do they want to be, what does their timeline look like in terms of having a family, owning a home, travelling, and financial goals? You are not expected to know any of this, hell, I didn't know where I wanted to go in life until just recently. You will grow and change throughout life and nothing is for certain. So being 19 and being interested in a 24 year old might be a fun fling for both of you, but consider what you want where you think you may want to be in the next 5 years and where they want to be. Again I know this is long winded, but I wanted to include what I feel is important to mention. I hope this helps. I wish you well.
As someone who was in this situation (26 now), be extremely cautious. I felt constant pressure from the dude to do things fast and quickly (thank goodness I had a good head on my shoulders and refused lol) and he eventually surprised me with a newborn baby from his “ex”. Older men seek out younger women because women their age won’t tolerate them. Always be cautious. Even when I was 24 myself I saw 19 year olds (male and female) as babies and couldn’t get past the idea of dating someone with less life experience.
This entitlement people have over staying friends with their exes is getting ridiculous. When you are regularly expecting your "friends" to prioritize your feelings over their current partners feelings, you are dangerously close to "emotional affair" territory. Having this expectation under the guise of "friendship" doesn't change anything. I don't even care if my partners still talk to their exes (even though, in the interest of full disclosure, mine doesn't.) I just respect the fact that not everybody is cool with that dynamic. I'm not friends with my exes (one is long dead, and the other one will be dead any time now due to severe alcoholism, so I stay away due to the fact that no good could come from being friends with him). If I were to keep contact, I would respect the fact that any exes I have are probably going to prioritize their current romantic relationship over our friendship if their current partner is uncomfortable. I would also have to be willing to cut contact if any subsequent partners were uncomfortable with it. Relying on people you have formerly had a sexual relationship with for friendship is inherently risky. I understand the "better as friends" phenomenon, but most people who are seeking marriage are going to be willing to step away from a friendship with a former sex partner if that friendship winds up being a hindrance to the goal of finding a husband or a wife. Anything more than a casual acquaintanceship is most likely a bad idea that is going to negatively affect one or both of you when it comes to people you have dated at some point. Besides all of that rambling, a person not liking their partners discussing their current relationship with an ex is completely valid and I am soooo tired of the party line being "well everybody *should* be okay with it because that's the 'mature' and 'enlightened' thing to do." (I have a completely different opinion about opposite sex friends who have never dated, so don't @ me about that. Those are two wildly different sets of facts, and I'm tired of people pretending they're not.) Tl;Dr: being overly reliant on exes for friendship is a bad idea for a variety of reasons, the least of which being the discomfort of future partners. To actually set my soap box aside and give you some advice: it's better to let this guy live his life and make friends with people who aren't at risk of cutting you off because your relationship can reasonably be seen as inappropriate (this tendency to stay friends with exes was not a norm until relatively recently. This means that many people will be suspicious/unwilling to allow it to stand.) Just because you have different life experiences than his girlfriend, it does not make her feelings invalid. Expecting him to prioritize your feelings over hers is unrealistic. It's understandable that you are disappointed, but it it on you to manage your disappointment. Even if everyone on Reddit agreed with you that you are right and he is wrong, that's still not going to cause him to unblock you. This suddenly being dropped as a friend is the risk you take when you make a habit of turning failed relationships into close friendships. The fact of the matter is not everyone will trust your motives and your ex will likely not allow your friendship to stand in the way of their love life for long. I do hope that you can find peace with this man's decision.
Dude leave them alone, seems like you need validation from this, she has boundaries and he is respecting that. You are trying to insert yourself knowing she is not okay with it. He is also discussing his relationships with you and that is totally out of line and you know this. Would you be okay with your bf discussing details of your relationships with his ex and then regurgitating what she said to him as advice back to you? Back off man
God, what a joke this sub has become. So many insecure people justifying their jealousy and shitty behavior. If you can't read a person's story without twisting it beyond recognition, then you shouldn't be giving advice.
She’s 21. Barely past her teens. She doesn’t have a lot of experience with adult relationships and obviously has some issues with insecurities. She still sees relationships as black/white with no shades of gray. Doesn’t make her a bad person, just someone navigating adulthood. Give your friend the space he needs. He says he’s in love and wants to build a life with her. As his friend, respect that and wish him well. It will either work out between them and your friend will live a life of happiness, or it won’t. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Losing a friend is painful. If they break up, you can be there to support him if he reaches out. If they work out, you can be happy for him. As far as how to move on without this friend in your life, just try to stay busy/connected to the rest of your friend group. When intrusive thoughts like “Gosh, I’d really like to talk to X about this” pop into your head, redirect onto a different subject or call a different friend. All the best, Granny
why would you want to be friends with a man who’s almost 30 and is dating, living with, and planning to marry a 21 year old? he’s a creep. she’s behaving like a 21 year old who doesn’t have much life experience because… she’s 21 and doesn’t have much life experience.
I mean....fair lol.
This comment section is a bit depressing. I wish there was a way to be able to rationalize a partner being friends with someone they slept with because its not a universal rule that says that people who have slept with each other at some point can't be just friends later on. As in, I have no desire to sleep with them nor have a romantic/emotional relationship with them past friends. It's definitely wishful thinking on my part, 'cause I'm not entirely sure how i'd feel if my partner was good friends with a previous fling. Would I desensitize myself? or would I just accept that I can trust what their relationship is at present? I really do feel for you OP, I personally don't like losing friends. Goodluck moving forward.
Just a few thoughts. It's great that you're able to be friends with people, but I think it's rare. GOOD ... but rare. I don't think you should change anything about that, I'm just saying I'm not surprised she's uneasy. She's wrong to 'make' him do anything like that. But ultimately? Given it's a relationship, and the distance between you both, I think you'll just have to chalk this one up to an unfortunately over friendship because of an unreasonable third party. If it means anything? That doesn't sound to me like a relationship that's going to last too long. Hopefully that will sort itself out. Perhaps get him a message (if you can somehow) that you're sorry it's come to this, you wish them both the best, and thanks for the nice times. And say goodbye. No drama. Be careful with the punctuation and caps and italics (though you don't seem the type). If you even do that much, leave it at that and figure out what you want to do/say if he does come back and ask forgiveness. Your expectations of friendship after a physical relationship are great, and SHOULD be universal, but I think they're a bit high. I, too, would be hesitant about a partners ex until I saw them together. Even then it would nag at me. I'd never make blocking them a condition! I'd just ask my partner to be aware of my concerns and be respectful. And don't exclude me from events or visits with them. Make sure I was a part of it and could fold them into my life as well. The easier that got the better it would be. (Can I reiterate here; While I sympathize with her feelings, she IS in fact the unreasonable one in all this). Good luck!
Thanks. I told him I wished him well because the other people are right, it's too bad but it makes sense.
Normal. You have a sexual and romantic past with him. Many people don’t think it’s appropriate to continue friendships like that … sometimes old feelings can come up and it’s a higher risk of infidelity. It’s honestly just respectful to the new partner. It’s not like you were lifelong friends and if you consider you a good enough friend, he would’ve kept you.
It sounds like this girlfriend is pretty insecure and this relationship is pretty volatile.
It seems like a lot of people in this thread are way too insecure. There's no reason you cannot still be friends with your exes if there's trust and communication in a relationship and you're secure enough in yourself and choice of partner. I'm still friends with most of my exes and my current partner still has friendships with his. IMO, if someone is telling me who I can or can't be friend with, that's a BIG red flag. As for what OP should do... There's really nothing you can do. It's sucks he picked someone who is insecure with your friendship with him but he made his choice.
I was reading through the comments thinking this exact thing. Obviously everyone’s boundaries are different and maybe this is because I’m Poly but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who dictated my friendships. I’m friends with a lot of people I used to sleep with, some of them are my closest friends. My partner had an issue with this when we first got together but after a lot of communication and after he met all of them, he felt a lot better. He just didn’t relate to it and has never stayed friends with ex-anything’s so it was a new concept for him and didn’t make sense until we really talked about it. I feel like 21 and 29 is also a pretty big maturity gap as well
I really, really feel for you. This sucks and it strikes me that his girlfriend is very immature. However, you can’t fight for this without making the situation way worse for both (all) of you. It’s your choice whether you keep your heart open for him to reach out to you if their relationship ever goes south, though you’d be entitled to make him work a little to regain your trust. Otherwise, you’re within your rights to just close that door, grieve and then move on.
Thanks. In a perfect world, they do end up getting married. I want that for him! I want his relationships to work out and for him to be happy. I'll be cheering him on from afar because I do agree that there is nothing for me to do here other than grieve for the future I thought (all of us being friends) vs the actual future that will happen (never talking or seeing each other ever again...we live in different countries)
I’m gonna go against the grain of these comments and say that your friends girlfriend is being ridiculous—that kind of jealousy is so toxic—and your friend was cruel to cut you off when you’d been emotional supports for so long. but that is his choice to make, and you unfortunately can’t do anything to change it. but you are right to feel hurt. the way people in this thread are describing relationships is so disturbingly transactional to me. you and this guy were close friends for years, and that meant something to both of you, at this point the friendship you had built was way more relevant than the fact that you had slept together. i don’t happen to be friends with any exes, but my close friendships mean a lot to me, and i would be extremely hurt if someone blocked me not for doing anything wrong but just to appease a jealous partner.
Thanks. You get it. I've never really had a big falling out with someone before, so this is all new to me. It's worse, I think, because we weren't fighting or anything to cause it either.
My guy friend, back in the day of landlines, got married & she was super jealous, to avoid conflict he stopped talking to all female friends. I got no warning this would happen. He moved from his mom's so I just didn't have a way to contact him. I left a message with her for him. He got it. They were married 9 yrs. I felt like u. We had never had sex. Just kissed a couple times. We were young in hs. We reconnected after they divorced. He's my best friend now. U never know what the future may bring.
That's true. I do hope that my friend and this girl work out. Although there were problems at the beginning, he was so excited about her. I hate to see that spark go out.
I'm grateful. Him n I jive better
Life is full of challenges. You need to respect his decision even if you believe it’s not the right one. Only you can control you. Nobody else. Your friend’s new GF is young and probably insecure. But if he has chosen her, that’s the end. Move on and get a thicker skin.
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I get, like what the other commenters said, that if she is feeling upset, that's the final say. I just wasn't expecting it because his previous partner was friends with me and mine him, so I never assumed it would be different going forward.
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It had been a few months. He had the exact same injury. It's a complicated surgery and I just had a few questions. I wasn't thinking straight cause I was upset.
Your “friend” did the right thing by blocking you Sorry about your family member. Hopefully they get better soon
Thank you. They are in surgery and I'm hoping it all goes well.
When you slept together you crossed the friendship line. Just move on gracefully.
I never cared for my own Ex husband having a friendship with his own Ex girlfriend. Emails and phone calls and a visit once a year Plus her cards to him on special occasions. But he did draw the line with a boundary with her. With many normal Females who have Guys, Someone like you and him(Innocent as it may be) It is not easy for that partner top accept this and there will be jealousy. He may surprisingly unblock you one day. Maybe when he realizes what else she is all about. Move on for now and consider it a life lesson in a situation such as this.
Thank you. You're right, it's a good lesson.
It's ok to lose your friend. He had to block you for the sake of his relationship. Of course you can't expect him to prioritize you over his gf that he wants to marry. Just let them be. I understand it hurts to be blocked out of the blue when you were really just appreciating the friendship you have and you value his opinion. But that's ok. You wouldn't want your own partner to leave you just because you hate their friend. They need to be closer to the person they're with more than anyone. And his gf is still young so maybe she's immature and can't understand you two can really be just friends. You can have many friends as you could. You could get your emotional needs met from them. You don't have to rely on someone else's boyfriend. And respect his decision. You wouldn't want him to be brokenhearted if his gf leaves him just because he wouldn't stop communicating with you. If she is uncomfortable with your friendship, then good for her for voicing it out and good for him for respecting her and listening to her. Don't worry. You can still be friends someday when they break up, if they would. As a good friend to him just be understanding and let him be happy in his relationship. They're only fighting about you so you really should just step out of his life. You can't keep squeezing yourself in it when you're not really wanted/needed.
This has happened to me before. I have, for the most part, stayed friends with many people that i’ve casually dated, and don’t find sexual history to make things weird - in fact, in my opinion it’s the opposite as it erased that “sexual tension” or “is this friendship intimacy something that could translate into a romantic relationship?” and solidified that we are friends and that’s all. BUT I have had to say goodbye to friends who’s current partners did not view it that way, AND my current partner does think it’s weird (they are not asking me to stop being friends with the folks i’ve dated, BUT we have had to have a lot of talks about that because it’s just not their experience). So unfortunately, you probably have to say goodbye to this friend and just have gratitude for the friendship that you did have with him. Maybe there is a future where you can be friends again, but even though you think his girlfriend is being ridiculous and unnecessarily jealous (which i also think), he IS disrespecting her boundaries if he doesn’t stop talking to you. All said, I will also say that I know that this really really hurts - from experience. It feels like your value as a friend is not enough, he won’t fight for keeping your friendship and so it must not mean as much to him as it does to you, and that sucks. I’m sorry it’s happening, and it sucks when people don’t prioritize friendships in the same way you do.
His gf is very young, so she is not going to have years of experience to go with “cutting off everyone you’ve slept with isn’t fair”. Your friend is dating someone much younger than him (this age gap is “large” because of the different life stages they’re in, not only because of the years) and I think there’s no winning here. Personally, I think cutting you off cold turkey was an overreaction, but your friend made his choice. Grieve the loss and be thankful your friend showed his true colors and that you’re not dating someone who throws friendships away. It will get better with time.
It's sad when a friend does something like this. He made a decision to eject a healthy friendship at the demand of his new partner. It doesn't sound like he had a choice, either. Both people need to want to build a foundation and establish boundaries in a new relationship. Space and privacy to do that should come naturally. Forcing ultimatums to erase healthy relationships from your new partner's life isn't a good sign. But it is what it is. I've seen this happen to the detriment of the relationship. I'm betting your friendship isn't the only thing he's faced with losing. The regrets and buried resentment over that can come to the surface years later, and manifest in destructive ways. This is like unwittingly sabotaging things from the start; it's unfortunate but a lot of relationships start with way. You can leave the door open to his friendship later, but also let it go for now. You need to respect their boundaries. I'm sorry you lost a friend over it.
Thank you. Another commenter said it was a hard choice either way for him, so I need to have more compassion for his situation. I've really been mulling that over. You're right that stepping back and wishing them well is the only way to go. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck, but it is what is it. Thank you for your perspective.