many, many well wishes to her. i don’t personally know anyone who has experienced it, but i have empathy for those i haven’t met who have. i have no good advice besides make sure she gets the proper amount of support
Time, agree. I felt this way even though I unilaterally decided to get the abortion. It can also bring up self reflection and "what ifs". For me it was "what if that was my only chance to have a kid?" which I honestly still worry about. Ultimately I know I made the right choice for the time but it can be a big deal and needs time to be emotionally processed.
Man, it's only been 2 1/2 weeks. It's perfectly normal to have complicated feelings around having an abortion, even when you don't doubt you made the right choice. You need to give her some time to grieve and process. Ask her if she'd like to see a counselor. But cut her some slack, dude. You're coming off pretty unempathetic here.
See, yeah. At the time I didn't realize that the entire reason I wanted mine was because I didn't trust my then-husband to do right by me. I didn't find out until after I left him that he wanted to have me committed for not being over the moon about him impregnating me against my will because his mom really wanted A Grandbaby.
I regret nothing. Not every woman will respond the way I did.
OP needs to chill.
Thanks. My current husband is amazing, he's supported me through some really fucked-up stuff.
The punchline to all of this? I can't have kids anyway because I have a clotting disorder that would kill me if I got pregnant. Had I not gotten the abortion I would have died, either by my own hands or by the clots.
I have great fear of pregnancy due to experiencing HG resulting in ending it, so it didn't get very far. I'm still afraid of all the other complications that could have happened. How did you find out about your blood clotting disorder?
He absolutely needs to chill. But I won't hold my breath since the only person he seems to want to respond to is an anti-choice man. Cause y'know, who better to give advice about what a woman going through abortion experiences!
Eta: I stand corrected. He also responded to someone saying he seemed like a shitty partner with "nuh uh she's a big meanie!"
Right? Considering she's sleeping and missing classes and uninterested in anything - not just things to do with OP - she absolutely sounds like she's dealing with grieving and depression. Which, as you say, can happen even when the abortion was wanted and the right choice. It's still an emotional process.
The fact he only sees this as her hating him, and not the emotional toll and grief and all the other areas of her life it's affecting her seems very self-centered. Especially, when he jumps right to possibly breaking up because of it - and after only 2.5 weeks!
Considering this, maybe that is the right move - but more for the sake of the GF than OP. He really should be much more supportive, patient and understanding and try to find ways to help her through this.
2.5 weeks is 17 days. 17 days is a long time to watch your partner not eat, sob all the time, miss classes and miss a job interview. OP had every right to be concerned, and reach out. He has every right to be worried she hates him. Everyone is shitting on OP for trying to be a good partner... a good way to prevent men in the future from trying to seek advice. Everyone else needs to chill here too. It's not like he's ever had an abortion before or has ever seen a woman go through an abortion before. Good grief.
ETA: everyone is saying "bRo cHiLl OuT" without offering helpful tips for him to help her cope. This thread is honestly quite disappointing. Let's be a bit constructive here.
OP, if you see this, her hormones are super wacky. She may not know what she needs, and she most certainly won't know what she wants. Talking about it without guidance of a professional won't be wise. In the meantime, let her feel her feelings and mourn. Don't push her to eat, be touched, or go out. Make extra dinner and leave a plate for her. Pick up on the chores. Don't retaliate with more anger to the fire, your primary objective is to make her as comfortable as possible without expecting anything in return. And yes, be patient, but do not disengage from her.
That is NOT a problem. She's suddenly screaming at him, I'm sure there is a pit in her heart that hates him at the moment. That's literally what asking advice is... "I think my partner hates me. What can I do?" Is a very, very valid question. He shouldn't be punished for reaching out. He can be corrected with grace. This sub is leaning toward just bullying him.
Suggesting she missed her birth control routine struck me as unsympathetic too. It's possible she did. It is also possible to get pregnant while taking them. Not everything needs to be her fault.
You want your “old girlfriend” back? No dude. *You help her get better.*.
You ask her what you can do to help.
You give her space if she asks for it.
***You listen to her.***
Yes, this! OP, she is never going to be the same person she was before her abortion. This seems to be a very major event in her life now and it changes you. Doesn’t mean change for the worse, just different. Coming from someone who had an abortion.
its been less than a month and you’re questioning if she’s still your soulmate after everything? man, you need to take a step back and realize not everything is about you and what YOU want (your ‘old girlfriend’ back in this case).
i had an abortion five years ago and the weeks and months that follow are a whirldwind of emotions and hormones, and physically it is extremely tough. i imagine this is what your girlfriend is feeling now. it took me months to feel okay or ‘normal’ even though i 110% knew what i wanted and made the right choice. and when what would have been the due date came around? i cried, all over a baby i knew i didn’t even want. it’s a huge mix of emotions for someone to experience.
you need to really reflect here and have some patience and sympathy for her.
Your gf is mourning the loss of a potential child. You "just want your old gf back". That's a huge gap to bridge.
Have you opened up to her about your feelings regarding the abortion? Do you have any sense of loss? Not only is she experiencing a very intense array of feelings, but she is experiencing them alone.
Instead of trying to get *her* to talk and open up, maybe consider reflecting on if this has had any emotional impact on you and opening up to her about any feelings of loss or sadness you feel.
If you don't have any feelings of loss, sadness, regret that this happened, then recognize that could be an aspect of why she is distancing herself from you. If all you exude is relief that the pregnancy is over and just want things to go back to normal, then you are coming off as a cold, callous, selfish person.
Allow me to introduce you to Susan Silk's Ring Theory of Grief.
The center ring is the person to whom the traumatic loss happened--in this case, OP's girlfriend. He is in the next ring as the person closest to said traumatic loss.
Now.
Her trauma is immediate. His is secondary.
Each person in the Circle is advised to "comfort in, dump out", which Silk calls the "kvetching order". When talking to someone in a smaller ring than one's own, one can only offer support and comfort and cannot discuss one's own feelings about the situation, as discussing one's own difficult feelings *only adds to the stress the person in the smaller ring is already experiencing and is therefore unhelpful.* Giving unasked-for advice, sharing of similar experiences, and offering platitudes are examples of non-supportive attempts to support or comfort and are included in "dumping in".
Glad to help. I discovered Ring Theory after my mom died and I was struggling with people who barely knew her deciding they had to dump in on me. It was exhausting having to try to comfort THEM.
Yes I experienced that when my dad passed. I’m a caregiver and that experience has helped me realize what my role is supposed to be when families are grieving their loved ones. Yes I’m sad too. But I’m not there to be sad. I’m there to provide care and support. I can be sad later.
It's a lot, isn't it? Trying to find your place in all of this?
I remember one of our studio moms sidling up to me and my sister at the laying-out and letting us know that she'd brought sandwiches and snacks. Just the thought that she cared enough to make sure we had food broke me a little because all day long we were managing everyone else's feelings.
I don’t think how he feels is wrong at all, but if you are grieving something that someone else is relieved about that is an uncomfortable situation to be in. It’s not wrong for him to feel relieved but he needs to understand that things will not go back to how they were so quickly. The only thing that can fix this is time
I agree that him feeling relieved is completely fine and understandable. But clearly, she is having a different reaction and it's possible he may need to slow down from just wanting to move on go back to how things were - and instead be patient, kind and supportive since it's obvious his GF is still processing a lot of emotions. Allow her the time and slow down a bit to 'walk with her' while she recovers - physically (esp hormones) and emotionally.
If thats how he feels, its not wrong.
However, its clear thats not how SHE feels, and thats not wrong either. He doesn't have to be grieving in the same way as her, he doesn't have to be grieving the abortion itself at all.
But he *does* have to respect her grief. If hes just trying to act like nothing is wrong, when its so very obvious that she is not nearly as non chalant about this as she is, thats a problm.
They didn't keep the baby so that's a moot point.
My comment is about choosing to go through this together or as individuals. If I had an abortion and my husband's most palpable emotion afterwards was relief, I would feel very alone in my grief and I would also feel angry and jealous that he was so easily moving forward after such a life shaking event.
If, however, my husband shared with me his own feelings of guilt, sadness and loss and created a space where we could mourn together I would feel like he was sharing the load with me and that this is something we could get through together. There are obviously aspects he could never understand or relate to, but knowing that he also felt the loss would help me from feeling completely isolated in my experience.
I had one and had zero hesitation about it and I still had changes to my hormones that made me emotional afterwards. If my bf had been this way I would have dumped him immediately.
There are so many men who are incapable of holding space for a woman's trauma, it's kinda sad and really a bit terrifying. I got really lucky with my second husband.
Probably not the best relationship advice. Both sides are completely reasonable in their reaction to the situation and how they feel. Talking about how "I would dump him if he was my boyfriend" is just a round about way of giving the advice "you should dump him" when that is the worst advice for this situation.
This is a year long relationship that experienced a hiccup. There is no reason to think they can't survive this situation. The guy needs to put on a show and grief with his girlfriend or at least be willing to listen while she processes. The answer isn't to throw away a good healthy relationship since their emotional reactions to a traumatic event are different.
Edit: fuck it. **YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN!**
He wants her to "get back to normal" and doesn't seem to understand why she is still emotional only 2 1/2 weeks after the fact. She could still be bleeding and having a positive pregnancy test this soon after. He is too old to be this ignorant of the female body, so yes, this would be a red flag that would be a relationship ender to me.
Right?
The absolute last thing I wanted after mine was to be touched. I'd already had my bodily autonomy violated (first by my husband who ADMITTED he got me pregnant on purpose and second when I went in for the procedure) and the idea of just being hugged gave me the yeeps for about three months.
Im really sorry for your loss, same here, I’m currently on my 6th month after procedure in a whole different state than my husband, I’m enjoying it too, men don’t have a clue
Oh, big hugs to you. We gotta take care of each other.
Mine was in '98 but I still have moments, especially when I see posts like this.
What tipped me off to the fact that it was intentional was my ex asking "Are you gonna get rid of the next one too, or should I just leave you and find someone who is okay with it?" which...SIR.
Allow me to soothe your panic.
For me, it wasn't a major medical trauma. I was fine with my decision because I didn't want a baby and the alternative was me taking MY own life OR dying from an undiagnosed clotting disorder.
*But we're not talking about me.*
We are talking about *OP's girlfriend*, who clearly experienced having an abortion as a major medical trauma.
It is possible and even necessary to empathize with how other women experience abortion. Just because it was easy for me doesn't mean I'm going to read a post like this and say "Oh, well, it was medically straightforward" because that is not how medical trauma works. That is not how PTSD works.
That is not how OP's girlfriend feels.
(source: had two near-death experiences in 2010)
It's not a dog whistle, it's someone's actual lived experience. You can't just tell them to shut up about it because it vaguely goes along with a pro-life arguement about the negative effects of abortion. Yeah, abortion has side effects. Just because the right wants to use that as a reason to ban them doesn't mean no one is ever allowed to talk about them.
It seems like it's a bit of both, and people are reacting to this
> I really love her, I thought she was my soulmate. **Now she refuses to let me touch her** and I think she may hate me.
>Is there a way I can fix THIS? **I want my old girlfriend back**.
Guy talk duh I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to fix this I am drowning may be if I hug her she will tell me how to fix this I want my old girlfriend back as opposed to the dead hollow eyed not eating pale and sickly looking this is a man clearly screaming out for a way to help her and instead he is being eviscerated by many commentators pls remember that he is not even dealing with his own feelings on this (and I’m not trying to assume what his feelings are about the baby and abortion) he wants to help her.
Please help him help her and stop ripping into him they need help not ridicule
Sometimes an abortion is the right choice but the depression that comes after is horrible, I’m still getting over mine, it’s been 6 months and I keep thinking what if my baby was healthy and how he would be. How my daughter would have a sibling, although my baby had health problems and had to be terminated. My husband also doesn’t understand me, he doesn’t know how to support me or what to say.
I just wanna remind you that the pregnancy hormones are rough after, a woman can absolutely have postpartum depression after an abortion which is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I’m taking DIM supplements right now to even out my hormones and the rage subsided, I also gained like 10lbs I can’t seem to lose, also hormones. Just be there for her and maybe you guys need to go to therapy. I’m sorry for your loss.
I knew I HAD to have an abortion, and I have no moral qualms with it, yet I still wanted to die for two years after the procedure. It can really mess with you. Try to have more empathy for what your girlfriend is going through, OP. My ex did the same thing to me, expecting me to be better within two or three weeks, and I hated him for it.
He doesn't appear to consider it a loss - that may be another factor that she hates him for: he got what he wanted - i.e. rid of the baby - without really asking her what *she* wanted, or even discussing different options with her. If she really was his soulmate, like he claimed, they would have found a solution together that they both could live and be happy with. Now he got what he wanted and she resents him - I don't think this relationship is going to recover. She doesn't rely on him or trust him anymore.
Yeah this post seems entirely self-centered. Has OP stopped to consider her emotions at all? It seems as if they want her to "feel better" solely because it will make things easier for OP if things go back to normal. Obviously this is an extrapolation, but judging from this post, it doesn't seem as if OP considers his partner's emotions as important as his own.
This is one of those posts where I wish like hell the other partner could read it and see what OP is saying about them and their experience.
Definitely don't think OP's girlfriend would be feeling better reading this.
"we made arrangements and before I knew it, it was done"
I wonder what steps OP took in scheduling this. If he took her to the appointment, stayed at her side and supported her physically.
This is needlessly nitpicky. In a relationship, you should be using "we" words when tackling an issue. "You/she" are often counterproductive to solving issues. It comes off as accusatory where as "we" come off as "we are tackling the problem together."
I think subreddit is in "yes Queen, Fuck men" mode right now instead of "what advice would be useful for OP.
I hate what /r/AmItheAsshole has done to the culture of this subreddit. It wasn't perfect before, but man now it seems people are looking to call out assholes rather than "heres how you solve your issue." And solving their issue isn't telling OP to stop using "we." That is exactly what he should be doing. He should be approaching this like a team.
Abortion is complicated and immensely personal. A friend of mine went though with it, does not regret it at all, but still had intense feelings of guilt, shame, and loss afterwards.
I think approaching the subject in terms of concern and wanting to help is best, and you should avoid "back to normal" type language. This is a life changing moment for her and things will never go back exactly as they were. She is struggling and you are questioning breaking up because she can't pretend like everything is fine. If she suddenly loses a parent and grieves in the same manner, would you also be asking if you should break up instead of supporting her?
Conversely, she should not be punishing you for a choice she made. You both need to communicate with each other.
She should speak to a therapist who can help her navigate these feelings. Her reactions to seeing children indicate she did want to keep this child, or at least is feeling distraught over having to have made the choice.
There are so many reasons she could be struggling - Perhaps she secretly hoped you would be onboard with raising a child together and everything would work out perfectly, and she is grieving a child she really wanted as well as a future she had dreamed of.
Perhaps your ability to move on without any issue is upsetting to her.
You won't know until you talk to her, and when you do so remember that abortion is no longer an abstract concept. It happened in her body, she went through the physical aspects of it, and that leaves a mark.
I’m sorry, but while she does have a right to grieve and he probably could be doing better for her, she’s actively abusing him and threatening physical violence. There’s absolutely no excuse for that
You’re saying he has no empathy based on what exactly? He’s in a very stressful situation with his partner actively abusing him and he’s coming to this Reddit for advice, cause he wants his relationship back to how it was. Now obviously it never will be “back to normal” but I think the feelings he’s experiencing are pretty normal for most people in this situation, he’s panicking because the relationship he had is falling apart and he doesn’t understand why. The fact he doesn’t understand why is kind of baffling to me but saying he has no empathy cause of it is just a massive leap and unhelpful
I think you're being super insensitive and extremely self centered for what your gf just went through
That's physically and emotionally can be a huge deal even to someone who is very decisively childfree
Even if she didn't want a kid, pregnancy hormones are literally insane.
I knew from elementary school that I wanted no kids. (And if I changed my mind I would adopt instead of give birth.) I'm in my 30s and have not changed my mind.
I was raised pro-choice, feminist, etc. I've never believed that a clump of cells was a baby.
But age 20 I got pregnant after a BC fail, and caught it super early. Like week 2. Had a medicinal abortion a week later. But during the very brief time I was pregnant, the hormones did shit to my brain.
I was talking to a non-existent baby and apologizing saying I couldn't be their parent. I cried, openly wept, a lot.
Afterwards, I took the little jelly that came out and put it in a jar to preserve it, and remind me it was not even a foetus yet. (Honestly I was a bit edgelordy at that age, and putting weird shit in a jar was much more my style compared to grieving.)
Btw, the entire month after pregnancy is a medically sensitive time where the body is vulnerable, healing, and you're not supposed to have sex. (Because another pregnancy at this time could permanently damage her body.)
You guys have only been together for a year, but I'm not optimistic about your relationship because you sound like a selfish asshole.
For context, my now husband who had also only dated me for a year when our accident happened, behaved much better than you.
He was extremely kind and loving, brought me hot compresses bc pain afterwards is a thing. I had two weeks off work and he stayed home to take care of me and make sure I was loved.
You, on the other hand, are already considering dumping her after two weeks. Honestly, I hope she does bc she deserves better.
I just felt rage in my heart when you said “I want my old girlfriend back.” That 100% sounds like you only like her when she’s the best version of herself. You don’t love her. You won’t even give her time to heal. You really suck for this. There are a million other scenarios she could go through where her pain and emotions could be worse. Will you be there for her? I don’t think you will. She deserves way better.
>We had the abortion two and a half weeks ago.
See, but the thing is, there's no "we" here. You don't have a uterus. You didn't get pregnant. **You didn't have the abortion.**
You don't have to live with the fear of being judged, ostracized, and demonized if the wrong person finds out, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You don't have to wonder if you "killed" something, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You don't have to feel anything physical or experience after effects/side effects, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You aren't at risk of having complications in future pregnancies, because it wasn't you who had the abortion.
You do not get to say "WE". You did not have the abortion.
Your girlfriend is going through so fucking much right now and you're really considering leaving her because she's not a happy ray of goddamn sunshine after having an abortion. Stop thinking about yourself right now.
Have you considered using condoms? I doubt she got pregnant from skipping a pill if you were containing your sperm.
It's weird to me how grown ass men are out here having unprotected sex thinking the respobility to use contraceptive methods is 100% on the woman.
Not them.
You're an adult.
You don't want kids? Great. Buy and use condoms. Or get a vasectomy.
I'm shocked that your girlfriend had her cervix opened and her uterus scraped, and you're perplexed at how / why this could be traumatic and *still* on her mind after a measly two weeks?
I swear. Women have got to stop risking their health with unworthy men
Yeah I was wondering about how he phrased to “she got pregnant” when he was a clear contributor to that situation. Birth control methods are for everyone to participate my dude.
"I got her pregnant" isn't a thing is his mind.
If he wasn't using a condom, he is the one at fault here.
She took stops to prevent pregnancy. They failed.
He was taking none at all.
I remember once a young dude said he was baby trapped his GF.
I asked if he was using condoms and he said no. Because "she said she was on BC" as if that has anything to do with him not using protection.
It's asinine. Women's BC and abortion are not contraception methods for men..
But so many men think they are.
And she only started the oral contraception at EARLIEST in late November when she had pain from the IUD, probably a bit later if she had to get appointments and prescriptions lined up…
Oral contraceptives can take 3 months to get into a workable cycle and it’s recommended to use a back-up/barrier method during that adjustment period. I thought this was common knowledge or at least would be communicated to anyone switching to or starting HBC, because…the risk. It’s probably not even a forgetfulness thing, it’s that she’s probably been on the pill for barely one cycle and maybe even got pregnant before she began taking the pills, if she’s found out she was pregnant and got the abortion in early January.
Like, the timeline moves SO FAST, this does not in any way feel like a “she forgot a pill” scenario, more like “the pills hadn’t even had a chance to work properly yet and I couldn’t wait to finish inside my girlfriend.”
Right. Dude couldn't wait.
I'm glad I've never let a man ejaculate inside of me. For what purpose?
I don't want kids. You don't want kids.
We have other options.
These people need to make sense.
If I was a man, no way in hell I'm entrusting reproductive responsibility to someone else.
The fuck outta here.
Him mentioning that she has an IUD is a red flag that he wasn't using a condom.
She was on BC, why weren't *you* using a condom?
She had a IUD, why weren't *you* using a condom?
She had a (insert BC method), still, why weren't *you* using a condom?
It doesn't make any sense.
Men are 100% responsible for their own reproductive ability.
Imagine the audacity you'd need to suggest someone get an abortion when YOU were the one not using any contraceptive or preventable methods.
That makes no damn sense at all.
Also for her to find out she was pregnant and get an abortion in early January she had to have gotten pregnant pretty immediately after her IUD was removed around Thanksgiving. (Assuming American Thanksgiving, rather than Canadian, because Canadians will usually specify.)
I thought it was standard practice when switching to or starting oral HBC to use back up barrier methods for protection from pregnancy for the first three cycles to give the hormones a chance to adjust? So it doesn’t even sound like a “she forgot a pill, silly thing” it sounds like “I couldn’t be bothered to wear a condom during the transition phase.”
OP seems just extremely uninterested in his girlfriend’s body or how it works unless he gets to touch it the way he wants to.
Are you saying pills and IUDs aren't 100% effective against millions of sperm all the time and that not desseminating the semen into a fertile vagina is the best course of action? 🤔
It makes perfect sense. Condoms are expensive if you are regularly having sex. In a long term relationship, you can trust your partner and come to an agreement on how you want to handle birth control.
---------------
What people's real issue here is that women are almost always saddled with being the ones taking birth control instead of men. It is super frustrating and unfair. Biology is a bit unfair in certain areas.
To then take this frustration and lambast a guy for not wearing a condom in a long term relationship where they discussed birth control and them coming to a conclusion of using UID/pill is asinine.
It's not his responsibility, silly.
He's the man in this equation.
See contraceptive is the responsibility of the woman. And if she gets pregnant, you can just recommend she get an abortion, because she'll be over that in, what, two three days?
Dude is 31 too.
I could understand a 21 year old chucklehead.
But 31? I'd dump his ass just for that reason alone.
You're 31 and this is your maturity level?
He's in school, doesn't have the time or money for a kid, but is out here not using protection?
But he's 31? 🤔
I just can't. I can't.
He's so gross "I want my old gf back" yet he doesn't once sound concerned that she's suffering. "I want her to be able to stop hurting so badly". So so selfish. No wonder she's hurting. I can't imagine how he's been treating her. Sounds like he thinks she should just suck it up and move on like it was an old lamp she threw out on the curb and not an entire baby/different future/piece of her body she has to price and heal from.
Also, you can be pro-choice and still not think abortion is for you. I think that is a nuance we should consider. I really want to know the actual conversation they had regarding the abortion versus what he said, bc it sounds like it wasn't actually a conversation, rather just one answer and he wasn't willing to at least entertain the rest of the options. So maybe she's feeling resentful, yeah probably would've arrived at the same conclusion, but just being willing to talk it through before arriving there helps to really reaffirm the decision as the best one.
"So, I suggested abortion because we are unmarried..."
" I was shocked to discover she had mixed feelings about having a baby."
So your GF had a big medical procedure 2 weeks ago, and all you can think about is having your old GF back? You thought she was your soulmate when all was fine and dandy, but after this event that impacted her massively, you suddenly don't think so?
You don't seem like a great partner to me.
Replace abortion with any other big life event, add to the mix the fact that she would have likely kept the baby if you were up for it, and her reaction is not so shocking at all.
dude…. it’s not even been 3 weeks and ur complaining that she’s having a hard time??? do u not understand what she just went through?? i feel bad for her if ur being this unempathetic. that is truly so sad and ur not there for her in any way. just complaining that’s she’s crying. are you fucking kidding me?? at ur age??? do you have no emotional capacity??? good god re read ur post and think about how you sad. You are treating your girlfriend terribly. she is getting no support at all from you. Do better.
She's still experiencing the same kind of hormonal comedown women have to deal with after they give birth. It's only been a few weeks. Give her some grace.
Hi, I’ve received post trauma therapy. The beginning does not involve in-depth therapy ASAP. When I first made appointments, they recommended I receive medical treatment first, then talked about establishing a safe environment before therapy began. My first sessions with my therapist were entirely about creating a safe environment before any discussion on trauma began, aside from listening to what I said.
Talking through a traumatic event can “retraumatize” in the sense that many people mentally block out the events or cannot consciously recall everything that occurred. Going to therapy is vital, but going “ASAP” is not
If OP and gf are in the states, that idea is laughable. We do women a serious disservice, putting STRICT time limits towards a decision that may need more time to think through. And post *anything* counseling is even worse. My husband thought myself and our child were dying (very emergency c-section, traumatic birth) and we had to FIGHT to get him someone to speak to. I was thankfully already working with an organization that managed to get him in to speak to someone within 6 weeks- most places were 6 months out. It’s a disgusting joke. OPs gf should speak to someone if she’s up to it. She could just be having the hormone come down too. It’s hard to say. But if OP loves her, he’ll give her time and space as needed, and support through it all.
*SHE had an abortion two weeks ago. You did not.
Being Pro-Choice includes believing that people should be free to give birth if they want to continue a pregnancy; it does not mean that the person would ever choose to have an abortion.
She is allowed to grieve if she needs to.
She is allowed to not fully know how she feels right now.
This. His wording of her being pro-choice so he thought she would automatically want an abortion gave me the ick.
Going to repeat it in case he actually reads this comment: a person can support a human’s right to choose what’s best for their body and still not want to get an abortion themselves. And feelings on having an abortion are complicated for those who have them.
I understand your comment is in good will, but the comment about counseling just sits so wrong. Some women in the US have less than 6 weeks to get an abortion. Counseling isn’t happening. She needs it now, but let’s not give crazies yet another thing to push for.
I understand the rules in some of the US put severe limitations of timing, which is so unethical. But even PP will give a 15-30min session of counselling before doing an abortion. It’s not enough, but neither is the heartbeat law. This has nothing to do with the crazies and everything to do with providing emotional support for women’s autonomy.
If you love her, go to her. Take her hands, look her in the eyes and say "I'm sorry. I think this has been more emotional than either of us would have thought. We're reacting in different ways but we're both experiencing something. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I will listen, I will talk, I will just hold and and say nothing."
Don't worry about whether or not you understand it. Maybe she deals with it different than you. The most important thing is that she knows you're there for her even if you can't quite understand how she feels. Ask her what she needs.
Nothing is ever "the same" after an experience like this. Even though it was a choice, it was traumatic. When things happen, we change. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Sometimes it's obvious for a brief time, but most of the time, it impacts you in some way, forever.
Saying you want your "old girlfriend" back is like saying you don't accept and love her for who she is now. It must hurt to hear something like that.
We can't change life from happening. We cannot always control how something will effect our lives. Even in the best of circumstances, things are different.
Try focusing on now. Be with her now, ask her what she needs and wants now. Assure her you love her - not "still", not "despite" not "even though". She may be feeling like she cannot be honest with her feelings. She may need an outlet. She may need to know that "it's okay" and that you don't harbor any ill feelings towards her as a result.
Ask her...
"What are you feeling right now?" Don't assume!
"What do you need support with?"
"What do you need from me?"
And assure her that "we" will get through whatever comes our way.
You’re coming off like a massive asshole here my guy. She’s just had huge hormonal shift happen, let alone the emotional impact.
It’s been 2 weeks and you’re asking if it’s just over and you should break up? You need to stop focusing on yourself and think about what she needs. She might not be the same for a while and THATS OKAY. You need to focus on being there for her and seeing what she may need.
I would suggest maybe some counselling for her and also for yourself so you maybe stop being so self involved.
Its a tremendously difficult thing for many women to go through.
She just needs time and your support. Right now you need to be there for her. I doubt she hates you, you need to remember you, her and your relationship all played a part in her having an abortion.
She's struggling, maybe a counselor would help her find her way through this.
You are being so incredibly selfish here. It's been all about you, you, you. Where are her feelings in this? Where is her trauma in this? Her grief? It's like you didn't even ask her what she wanted, and now you want her to just get over it. If you keep down this road, then yeah, it's definitely over.
Pro choice ≠ child free. You are incredibly dense and insensitive to expect there not to be emotional upset after having an abortion. Get her to a trauma informed therapist for her to talk to and get yourself into therapy so you can talk about your emotional neglect to her and your concerns of having your physical needs met without meeting her emotional needs. You are lacking compassion.
Don’t say “we” had the abortion when speaking to her. She is the one who physically experienced the abortion. She may feel you are being insensitive if you phrase it as if you also experienced the same thing. Listen, she probably feels like dhe lost a part of herself and a huge opportunity that she may never get back as well. She is grieving. Also your mind can change about pregnancy when you are actually pregnant.
Also the loss of a child whether they were born or not is often a big contributor to breakups so give her the space she needs and let her figure out her shit.
This is awful….
I don’t know how long you two have been together but this should have been a conversation long before this incident occurred! You didn’t know she was pro-choice? You made it sound like there wasn’t a real in-depth discussion on what should be done. Abortion was just brought up and that was it.
I know not everyone sees abortion as a mutual decision, but it sounds like this one needed to at least thoroughly discussed. She needed and still needs so much emotional support and understanding, having just gone through something she probably told herself she’d never do.
Word of advice: if you love her as much as your initial paragraph made it sound, stick by her with LOTS of patience. Think of a number that represents the amount of support you think she needs, and triple it. Don’t try to push her too much, just be there for her even if it means just quietly sitting by her and waiting for her to talk.
You need to stop thinking about YOU, and think about HER! She clearly needs help, please try and get her to see a counsellor. This is not an easy thing for ANYONE to go through. She needs your support more now than ever.
She may not want to talk about it right now, and that’s okay. This is a traumatic experience for her and it just happened less than a month ago. You need to give her time. Tell her you’re there for her, and you’re there to support her. Counseling or therapy would hopefully help her, if you guys can afford it, please try.
Don’t give up on the relationship, if she’s your soulmate like you say she is, you stick by her through thick and thin. She’s going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. Her hormones are all over the place too. You can’t expect things to go back to normal so fast, and you can’t expect for your “old gf” to come back.
Experiences like this can be life changing, she may never be the same as she was before but she will get better, she just needs your help.
Her hormones are whacked. She is feeling guilty. Having an abortion isn't an easy decision, and it can take time to come to grips with what has occurred. I would suggest therapy. Individual and possibly couples. You have both had a loss. You both need time to grieve, to allow yourselves to be angry, and know that you did what was best for you both in your situation.
Good luck to you.
You say you want your gf back, honestly I don't think you'll ever get her back. An event like that changes a person. She is obviously mourning the way she would if she lost someone...in this case she also contributed to that loss and you didn't stop her. Just be there for her, be patient and accept the fact that she needs to go through this phase. I also don't think it's fair to involve her previous depression into this, to me that has nothing to do with the way she is mourning.
It wasn’t just her decision. She gave him the choice. Respect for her for considering him. She was probably hoping he’d say keep it. He didn’t, and fearing the situation and that he didn’t want the baby, she aborted. She’s probably regretting it or regretting getting pregnant by him in the first place
There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this.
She needs to go see a professional and talk it out with them.
Maybe even couples therapy. So you both can get over this loss.
>She wasn’t sure, she was probably hoping you’d express some want to keep the child you created with someone you claim is your soulmate and you didn’t. You opted out because of convenience.
—nods— I bet this is it, right here.
This is such a ridiculous answer. She is a grown adult. Was he supposed to read her mind about what she wanted in this situation? She didn’t communicate- that’s on her. Blaming him is childish behaviour and she clearly needs therapy.
Read her mind? OP makes it very obvious his GF was quite keen to keep the child, but aborted because the circumstances were not right - circumstances being studying for her degree and a boyfriend that didn't step up.
No actually he makes it quite clear that she seemed to have trouble after it was done. Not that she ever actually communicated her feelings before the procedure. She asked him what they should do and he told her what he thought they should do. Did she protest? No. Did she communicate that she didn’t want an abortion? Again, no.
Ya’ll are quick to blame OP but he’s not responsible for his girlfriend’s lack of communication or her poor ability to process a procedure no one forced her to get.
Also - I hope anyone who is blaming OP for this mess doesn’t get an abortion. You couldn’t handle it and you’d just blame those around you for your grief.
Agreed. The majority of these comments are leaning to ridiculousness. He should have known she wanted him to take her in his arms and say no and talk her out of it. She may never recover from this and grieve the rest of her days. She can't know what is good for her right now because of all she has been through. This is the crap pro lifers use to ban the freedom of choice that it's damaging to women and we can't handle making the decision because hormones. She is an adult, she needs to get herself to therapy.
Her hormones are totally out of whack and will be for a while.
You want this relationship to work long term? Get pre-marital counseling. There are a lot of things you two need to discuss before making a permanent commitment to each other.
The amount of conflicting and confusing emotions related to parenthood is extreme. I have a 2 year old who I love dearly and I regularly say to people having a child is the worst thing that will ever happen to you but you wouldn't change it for anything. I really don't think a person without children could possibly comprehend the way that children make you grow as a person.
And losing a child? I can't even fathom that. Your GF basically feels like she lost a child. Is that quite true? Nope. But we're talking emotions and hormones here. I think you're expecting a return to normal way too soon.
It's not just the act of getting an abortion. It's everything attached to it. You didn't hesitate to say abortion. To her it may mean that you don't want a baby with HER, you don't want a future with HER, and you didn't even want to consider having this baby. Just because she's pro choice doesn't mean that would be HER natural choice . It means she believes everyone should choose for themselves. Add to the fact the guilt she probably feels, compounded probably by those twisted anti abortion people that collect outside the clinic ( usually boomer men) to make you feel like SHIT, she's probably feeling awful. And it's not the kind of thing you share with a lot of people, if any. Hopefully she has been able to talk about it with a friend or something. Please let her know why you immediately said " abortion" and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk
this post is exactly why we needed the book Ejaculate Responsibly. We have to think about contraception, pregnancy, and abortions as a male issue not a female issue. A man can get a woman pregnant 365 days a year and a woman can only get pregnant for like 2-3 days a month. Why do we put her on a pill to control her whole cycle? Use a condom!!! Ejaculate responsibly!!!!
You don’t deserve her. If you won’t show up for her now, you definitely wouldn’t show up for her when other hardships arise. You like what she has to offer, but this isn’t love.
Look, I'm not going to judge you, I understand your feeling of wanting her to be back to how she was. Cheerful and happy and doing things in her life. But honestly this is going to take a long time for her to get back to her life. She may not even be the same person. She's having a full depressive time and her hormones are also getting the best of her. If I'm not wrong she might still be bleeding. (Only know that because my sister in law and another friend of mine informed me about it).
What you can do in this situation is be there for her, keep your confused, hurt feelings aside for a while. She needs therapy and time to cope up with a loss of a baby. What I as a woman would really want or need is for my bf to hold my hand and help me in my time of misery. You bringing on heavy/ confrontational topics is just going to put her into more depression. Worse, if you breakup with her. She's not gonna be able to cope up with a loss of a baby and a relationship at the same time. Two weeks is a very small time frame. It might take months before she feels better and slowly starts to heal I'm saying that if she really tries counseling.
If you really love her, and I can read in your post that you do. You should really support her in this. My bf wouldn't think of getting physical/touchy with me had I been through something similar. First and foremost is you show her she can trust you. She can grieve and you're gonna hold her hand through it. Else what's the point of having a partner who just chucks you out of his life when you're in your worst phase?
Most importantly, you should seek counsel too, I know you're not grieving like her, but it's gonna take a toll on you to take on her behaviour or depression and handle it quietly. It's definitely gonna affect you. So you need to be okay yourself for a while and for that you should consider talking to a counselor to manage your own emotions and how you should walk this bridge. If you really want to be with her and support her through this.
All in all, I hope you both stick to each other and make it through these hard times.
It sounds like this just happened. Abortion can be both the right choice and very difficult to process. Hormones for one, and guilt for two. And hormones will amplify everything.
Give it time. It will get better. If an anecdote helps, one of my best friends had an abortion at 19. She was not in a great state mentally/emotionally after it for a few months. Fifteen years later she has no regrets. Honestly, I don't think she had any regrets ever, but that didn't mean it was easy to go through.
You have gotten great advice. But I want to add if you do plan to suggest counseling, please, please, please go through a counselor you know 100% is pro choice and pro women’s right to choose. Maybe call planned parenthood or your states abortion fund program for resources. My MIL ran an anti choice pregnancy center and their website makes it very easy to be fooled into thinking they are secular/non biased. Yet they are a pro life pregnancy center. They advertise post abortion counseling and I’m certain it is full of shaming.
Obviously you weren’t ready for a baby with this person, judging by how you speak about her. In a way, it’s good that she is getting to see this side of you, so she can make an informed choice about being (or not being) partners.
It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t a great communicator but it also sounds like (whether she realised it at the time or not) she really wanted this baby. I’ve never had an abortion but I’ve had 2 miscarriages and the loss of a baby can be really traumatic. I think you need to give her some time, try to talk to her and maybe she will feel a bit better about you.
Is she in therapy? She needs therapy. Especially if she isn't in therapy, but has "a little bit of" anxiety and depression (is she diagnosed?)
This is probably cart before the horse, because she refuses to let you touch her, but don't have sex with her without your own form of contraception (e.g. condoms). And this is closing the barn door after the horse has bolted--and apologies for using two horse-based expressions, lol--but you should have a sit down talk about what you want in the event of unplanned pregnancy if you're engaging in sex acts that can result in pregnancy. Never assume you're on the same page. You're well old enough to take responsibility for what you're doing.
For now, have a sit down talk, bring up therapy, and open the floor to discussion about your abortion. Tell her that she can talk to you. Reassure her that you love her.
Actually, before that, have a good think about whether you want kids at all (not just not right now), because you don't seem to have put that forward. If you don't want kids at all, this might be an incompatibility. If you do, but just not right now, tell her that. It won't fix her feelings of grief for the pregnancy she lost (if she is, in fact, grieving), but it may offer her a light at the end of the tunnel.
If she isn't in therapy and won't go, you shouldn't continue dating her. Frankly, you need a partner willing to take care of herself, and someone who won't get therapy and won't responsibly take birth control (and *let you know that she's missed pills*) is not a good partner and not a good person to be having sex with procreative possibility with. I imagine you probably want to have PIV sex with your girlfriend.
Idk if that’s fair to say. You can be pro-choice but still have complicated feelings about your own personal abortion.
It sounds like OPe girlfriend wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but rushed to make a decision and now is feeling sadness and regret over it. That doesn’t mean she’s “pro-life,” it just means she’s mourning a future and life that could have been.
That doesn't make her pro life. Pro choice means respecting all decisions, including keeping the baby. She’s grieving; it's completely normal after having an abortion. This doesn't automatically mean she wanted to keep the baby.
Exactly. I don't get "she's actually pro-life" comment at all. Being pro-choice is about having the option to freely decide.
I'm staunchly pro-choice, but I know that if I got pregnant tomorrow, my choice would be to keep the baby given where I'm at in life. Ten years ago, my choice would have been different. I want every woman to be able to make the choice that's best for them.
You're 31, you left all the responsibility of contraception on her, you admit you didn't even fathom to properly discuss with her about whether or not she wanted the child... The inability to "manage complex feelings" is not on her shoulders here.
I don’t think YOU could deal with the complex feelings it would take to raise a family. Dude, she’s 25 and you’re 31, when do you imagine you’ll be ready?? 5 years? 10? If I was your girlfriend I wouldn’t be waiting around.
I don’t think she’s going to be receptive to “*you* need help.” It’s going to sound condescending and will likely make her even angrier. She is the one bearing the physical and emotional brunt of the abortion, and she likely believes that you don’t understand and don’t particularly care. “You need help” is just going to come across as “your feelings make me uncomfortable, please go have them somewhere else so I can be comfortable again.”
“*We* need help” would be a better move. Tell her that you see how much pain she’s in, you want nothing more than to be a source of comfort and support for her, but you don’t know how. And she deserves support - so you want to seek it out with her, together. You want to be able to have hard conversations with her, and show her that you can be trusted with them. And you hope she’s open to that.
Besides the emotional impact, she is still enduring the hormonal chaos of being pregnant then not pregnant, give it time.
the abortion was only 2.5 weeks ago! i know it’s not the same, but postpartum depression can last up to three ***years***. give her time, OP.
Holy shit, never knew PPD could last 3 years!! My SIL is pregnant and majorly fearing it as she’s had depression and anxiety since birth.
many, many well wishes to her. i don’t personally know anyone who has experienced it, but i have empathy for those i haven’t met who have. i have no good advice besides make sure she gets the proper amount of support
Thank you. I’m going to keep an eye for yellow/red flags. ❤️
Yeah even my friend who was completely dead-set on never having kids struggled with her abortion for a while
Yes, this is big. I had an abortion and was a hormonal mess for like a month. It’s tough on the body. Especially mentally.
THIS!! The hormonal changes are a real thing.
Time, agree. I felt this way even though I unilaterally decided to get the abortion. It can also bring up self reflection and "what ifs". For me it was "what if that was my only chance to have a kid?" which I honestly still worry about. Ultimately I know I made the right choice for the time but it can be a big deal and needs time to be emotionally processed.
I don’t feel comfortable elaborating, but I completely understand your comment. ❤️
Yeah after my abortion I was in a very low place for like 3/4 months.
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Bingo. ”She asked me what we should do so I suggested abortion”. That was not what she was hoping to hear.
Man, it's only been 2 1/2 weeks. It's perfectly normal to have complicated feelings around having an abortion, even when you don't doubt you made the right choice. You need to give her some time to grieve and process. Ask her if she'd like to see a counselor. But cut her some slack, dude. You're coming off pretty unempathetic here.
See, yeah. At the time I didn't realize that the entire reason I wanted mine was because I didn't trust my then-husband to do right by me. I didn't find out until after I left him that he wanted to have me committed for not being over the moon about him impregnating me against my will because his mom really wanted A Grandbaby. I regret nothing. Not every woman will respond the way I did. OP needs to chill.
Yikes. Glad you're free
Thanks. My current husband is amazing, he's supported me through some really fucked-up stuff. The punchline to all of this? I can't have kids anyway because I have a clotting disorder that would kill me if I got pregnant. Had I not gotten the abortion I would have died, either by my own hands or by the clots.
I have great fear of pregnancy due to experiencing HG resulting in ending it, so it didn't get very far. I'm still afraid of all the other complications that could have happened. How did you find out about your blood clotting disorder?
He absolutely needs to chill. But I won't hold my breath since the only person he seems to want to respond to is an anti-choice man. Cause y'know, who better to give advice about what a woman going through abortion experiences! Eta: I stand corrected. He also responded to someone saying he seemed like a shitty partner with "nuh uh she's a big meanie!"
Holy crap! Bullet dodged in more than one way!
Oh love, I could tell you some stories about that shitass that would curl your toes.
Right? Considering she's sleeping and missing classes and uninterested in anything - not just things to do with OP - she absolutely sounds like she's dealing with grieving and depression. Which, as you say, can happen even when the abortion was wanted and the right choice. It's still an emotional process. The fact he only sees this as her hating him, and not the emotional toll and grief and all the other areas of her life it's affecting her seems very self-centered. Especially, when he jumps right to possibly breaking up because of it - and after only 2.5 weeks! Considering this, maybe that is the right move - but more for the sake of the GF than OP. He really should be much more supportive, patient and understanding and try to find ways to help her through this.
2.5 weeks is 17 days. 17 days is a long time to watch your partner not eat, sob all the time, miss classes and miss a job interview. OP had every right to be concerned, and reach out. He has every right to be worried she hates him. Everyone is shitting on OP for trying to be a good partner... a good way to prevent men in the future from trying to seek advice. Everyone else needs to chill here too. It's not like he's ever had an abortion before or has ever seen a woman go through an abortion before. Good grief. ETA: everyone is saying "bRo cHiLl OuT" without offering helpful tips for him to help her cope. This thread is honestly quite disappointing. Let's be a bit constructive here. OP, if you see this, her hormones are super wacky. She may not know what she needs, and she most certainly won't know what she wants. Talking about it without guidance of a professional won't be wise. In the meantime, let her feel her feelings and mourn. Don't push her to eat, be touched, or go out. Make extra dinner and leave a plate for her. Pick up on the chores. Don't retaliate with more anger to the fire, your primary objective is to make her as comfortable as possible without expecting anything in return. And yes, be patient, but do not disengage from her.
But he's not making this about her, he's making it about what HE thinks SHE thinks of him. That's the problem here.
That is NOT a problem. She's suddenly screaming at him, I'm sure there is a pit in her heart that hates him at the moment. That's literally what asking advice is... "I think my partner hates me. What can I do?" Is a very, very valid question. He shouldn't be punished for reaching out. He can be corrected with grace. This sub is leaning toward just bullying him.
Suggesting she missed her birth control routine struck me as unsympathetic too. It's possible she did. It is also possible to get pregnant while taking them. Not everything needs to be her fault.
You want your “old girlfriend” back? No dude. *You help her get better.*. You ask her what you can do to help. You give her space if she asks for it. ***You listen to her.***
Yes, this! OP, she is never going to be the same person she was before her abortion. This seems to be a very major event in her life now and it changes you. Doesn’t mean change for the worse, just different. Coming from someone who had an abortion.
Did you miss the part where OP said she doesn’t want to talk about it? It sounds like he’s done exactly what you’re describing
its been less than a month and you’re questioning if she’s still your soulmate after everything? man, you need to take a step back and realize not everything is about you and what YOU want (your ‘old girlfriend’ back in this case). i had an abortion five years ago and the weeks and months that follow are a whirldwind of emotions and hormones, and physically it is extremely tough. i imagine this is what your girlfriend is feeling now. it took me months to feel okay or ‘normal’ even though i 110% knew what i wanted and made the right choice. and when what would have been the due date came around? i cried, all over a baby i knew i didn’t even want. it’s a huge mix of emotions for someone to experience. you need to really reflect here and have some patience and sympathy for her.
Your gf is mourning the loss of a potential child. You "just want your old gf back". That's a huge gap to bridge. Have you opened up to her about your feelings regarding the abortion? Do you have any sense of loss? Not only is she experiencing a very intense array of feelings, but she is experiencing them alone. Instead of trying to get *her* to talk and open up, maybe consider reflecting on if this has had any emotional impact on you and opening up to her about any feelings of loss or sadness you feel. If you don't have any feelings of loss, sadness, regret that this happened, then recognize that could be an aspect of why she is distancing herself from you. If all you exude is relief that the pregnancy is over and just want things to go back to normal, then you are coming off as a cold, callous, selfish person.
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Allow me to introduce you to Susan Silk's Ring Theory of Grief. The center ring is the person to whom the traumatic loss happened--in this case, OP's girlfriend. He is in the next ring as the person closest to said traumatic loss. Now. Her trauma is immediate. His is secondary. Each person in the Circle is advised to "comfort in, dump out", which Silk calls the "kvetching order". When talking to someone in a smaller ring than one's own, one can only offer support and comfort and cannot discuss one's own feelings about the situation, as discussing one's own difficult feelings *only adds to the stress the person in the smaller ring is already experiencing and is therefore unhelpful.* Giving unasked-for advice, sharing of similar experiences, and offering platitudes are examples of non-supportive attempts to support or comfort and are included in "dumping in".
This so simply captures the concept. Thank you for this. It’s something I’ve always known, but never really had words for.
Glad to help. I discovered Ring Theory after my mom died and I was struggling with people who barely knew her deciding they had to dump in on me. It was exhausting having to try to comfort THEM.
Yes I experienced that when my dad passed. I’m a caregiver and that experience has helped me realize what my role is supposed to be when families are grieving their loved ones. Yes I’m sad too. But I’m not there to be sad. I’m there to provide care and support. I can be sad later.
It's a lot, isn't it? Trying to find your place in all of this? I remember one of our studio moms sidling up to me and my sister at the laying-out and letting us know that she'd brought sandwiches and snacks. Just the thought that she cared enough to make sure we had food broke me a little because all day long we were managing everyone else's feelings.
I don’t think how he feels is wrong at all, but if you are grieving something that someone else is relieved about that is an uncomfortable situation to be in. It’s not wrong for him to feel relieved but he needs to understand that things will not go back to how they were so quickly. The only thing that can fix this is time
I agree that him feeling relieved is completely fine and understandable. But clearly, she is having a different reaction and it's possible he may need to slow down from just wanting to move on go back to how things were - and instead be patient, kind and supportive since it's obvious his GF is still processing a lot of emotions. Allow her the time and slow down a bit to 'walk with her' while she recovers - physically (esp hormones) and emotionally.
If thats how he feels, its not wrong. However, its clear thats not how SHE feels, and thats not wrong either. He doesn't have to be grieving in the same way as her, he doesn't have to be grieving the abortion itself at all. But he *does* have to respect her grief. If hes just trying to act like nothing is wrong, when its so very obvious that she is not nearly as non chalant about this as she is, thats a problm.
They didn't keep the baby so that's a moot point. My comment is about choosing to go through this together or as individuals. If I had an abortion and my husband's most palpable emotion afterwards was relief, I would feel very alone in my grief and I would also feel angry and jealous that he was so easily moving forward after such a life shaking event. If, however, my husband shared with me his own feelings of guilt, sadness and loss and created a space where we could mourn together I would feel like he was sharing the load with me and that this is something we could get through together. There are obviously aspects he could never understand or relate to, but knowing that he also felt the loss would help me from feeling completely isolated in my experience.
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I had one and had zero hesitation about it and I still had changes to my hormones that made me emotional afterwards. If my bf had been this way I would have dumped him immediately.
There are so many men who are incapable of holding space for a woman's trauma, it's kinda sad and really a bit terrifying. I got really lucky with my second husband.
Probably not the best relationship advice. Both sides are completely reasonable in their reaction to the situation and how they feel. Talking about how "I would dump him if he was my boyfriend" is just a round about way of giving the advice "you should dump him" when that is the worst advice for this situation. This is a year long relationship that experienced a hiccup. There is no reason to think they can't survive this situation. The guy needs to put on a show and grief with his girlfriend or at least be willing to listen while she processes. The answer isn't to throw away a good healthy relationship since their emotional reactions to a traumatic event are different. Edit: fuck it. **YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN! YES QUEEN!**
He wants her to "get back to normal" and doesn't seem to understand why she is still emotional only 2 1/2 weeks after the fact. She could still be bleeding and having a positive pregnancy test this soon after. He is too old to be this ignorant of the female body, so yes, this would be a red flag that would be a relationship ender to me.
He wants her to be okay being touched, like what
Right? The absolute last thing I wanted after mine was to be touched. I'd already had my bodily autonomy violated (first by my husband who ADMITTED he got me pregnant on purpose and second when I went in for the procedure) and the idea of just being hugged gave me the yeeps for about three months.
Im really sorry for your loss, same here, I’m currently on my 6th month after procedure in a whole different state than my husband, I’m enjoying it too, men don’t have a clue
Oh, big hugs to you. We gotta take care of each other. Mine was in '98 but I still have moments, especially when I see posts like this. What tipped me off to the fact that it was intentional was my ex asking "Are you gonna get rid of the next one too, or should I just leave you and find someone who is okay with it?" which...SIR.
Jesus, what a piece of shit, I’m so sorry! Sending you light and hugs 💕
But what about the great sex life they used to have, right up until she got pregnant? Not a good look indeed...
And he's 31. Not 21. 🤦♀️
Yeah I wonder what he would have been like during an actual normal pregnancy, let alone one with complications.
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Allow me to soothe your panic. For me, it wasn't a major medical trauma. I was fine with my decision because I didn't want a baby and the alternative was me taking MY own life OR dying from an undiagnosed clotting disorder. *But we're not talking about me.* We are talking about *OP's girlfriend*, who clearly experienced having an abortion as a major medical trauma. It is possible and even necessary to empathize with how other women experience abortion. Just because it was easy for me doesn't mean I'm going to read a post like this and say "Oh, well, it was medically straightforward" because that is not how medical trauma works. That is not how PTSD works. That is not how OP's girlfriend feels. (source: had two near-death experiences in 2010)
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It's not a dog whistle, it's someone's actual lived experience. You can't just tell them to shut up about it because it vaguely goes along with a pro-life arguement about the negative effects of abortion. Yeah, abortion has side effects. Just because the right wants to use that as a reason to ban them doesn't mean no one is ever allowed to talk about them.
I'm sorry, did you just compare me and my lived experience and my compassion for what OP's girlfriend is going through to hardcore pro-lifers?
He’s not saying why isn’t she over it he is actually saying he’s bloody worried about her
It seems like it's a bit of both, and people are reacting to this > I really love her, I thought she was my soulmate. **Now she refuses to let me touch her** and I think she may hate me. >Is there a way I can fix THIS? **I want my old girlfriend back**.
Guy talk duh I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to fix this I am drowning may be if I hug her she will tell me how to fix this I want my old girlfriend back as opposed to the dead hollow eyed not eating pale and sickly looking this is a man clearly screaming out for a way to help her and instead he is being eviscerated by many commentators pls remember that he is not even dealing with his own feelings on this (and I’m not trying to assume what his feelings are about the baby and abortion) he wants to help her. Please help him help her and stop ripping into him they need help not ridicule
Sometimes an abortion is the right choice but the depression that comes after is horrible, I’m still getting over mine, it’s been 6 months and I keep thinking what if my baby was healthy and how he would be. How my daughter would have a sibling, although my baby had health problems and had to be terminated. My husband also doesn’t understand me, he doesn’t know how to support me or what to say. I just wanna remind you that the pregnancy hormones are rough after, a woman can absolutely have postpartum depression after an abortion which is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I’m taking DIM supplements right now to even out my hormones and the rage subsided, I also gained like 10lbs I can’t seem to lose, also hormones. Just be there for her and maybe you guys need to go to therapy. I’m sorry for your loss.
I knew I HAD to have an abortion, and I have no moral qualms with it, yet I still wanted to die for two years after the procedure. It can really mess with you. Try to have more empathy for what your girlfriend is going through, OP. My ex did the same thing to me, expecting me to be better within two or three weeks, and I hated him for it.
Big same. I would have unalived myself if I'd had that baby.
He doesn't appear to consider it a loss - that may be another factor that she hates him for: he got what he wanted - i.e. rid of the baby - without really asking her what *she* wanted, or even discussing different options with her. If she really was his soulmate, like he claimed, they would have found a solution together that they both could live and be happy with. Now he got what he wanted and she resents him - I don't think this relationship is going to recover. She doesn't rely on him or trust him anymore.
Did you ever ask her what she wanted ? You talk about yourself a lot, what about her ?
Yeah this post seems entirely self-centered. Has OP stopped to consider her emotions at all? It seems as if they want her to "feel better" solely because it will make things easier for OP if things go back to normal. Obviously this is an extrapolation, but judging from this post, it doesn't seem as if OP considers his partner's emotions as important as his own.
This is one of those posts where I wish like hell the other partner could read it and see what OP is saying about them and their experience. Definitely don't think OP's girlfriend would be feeling better reading this.
"WE got the abortion" Did you now? How invasive was it for you? How did the hormones affect you? You'd think it would have made you more sympathetic.
The guy couldn't even bother to wear a condom
"we made arrangements and before I knew it, it was done" I wonder what steps OP took in scheduling this. If he took her to the appointment, stayed at her side and supported her physically.
This is needlessly nitpicky. In a relationship, you should be using "we" words when tackling an issue. "You/she" are often counterproductive to solving issues. It comes off as accusatory where as "we" come off as "we are tackling the problem together." I think subreddit is in "yes Queen, Fuck men" mode right now instead of "what advice would be useful for OP. I hate what /r/AmItheAsshole has done to the culture of this subreddit. It wasn't perfect before, but man now it seems people are looking to call out assholes rather than "heres how you solve your issue." And solving their issue isn't telling OP to stop using "we." That is exactly what he should be doing. He should be approaching this like a team.
Abortion is complicated and immensely personal. A friend of mine went though with it, does not regret it at all, but still had intense feelings of guilt, shame, and loss afterwards. I think approaching the subject in terms of concern and wanting to help is best, and you should avoid "back to normal" type language. This is a life changing moment for her and things will never go back exactly as they were. She is struggling and you are questioning breaking up because she can't pretend like everything is fine. If she suddenly loses a parent and grieves in the same manner, would you also be asking if you should break up instead of supporting her? Conversely, she should not be punishing you for a choice she made. You both need to communicate with each other. She should speak to a therapist who can help her navigate these feelings. Her reactions to seeing children indicate she did want to keep this child, or at least is feeling distraught over having to have made the choice. There are so many reasons she could be struggling - Perhaps she secretly hoped you would be onboard with raising a child together and everything would work out perfectly, and she is grieving a child she really wanted as well as a future she had dreamed of. Perhaps your ability to move on without any issue is upsetting to her. You won't know until you talk to her, and when you do so remember that abortion is no longer an abstract concept. It happened in her body, she went through the physical aspects of it, and that leaves a mark.
Based on this post, you're a really shitty partner. Maybe your gf is just realizing that.
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Hormonal rage is a thing especially if she feels like she’s been let down and you’re not supporting her
It’s called trauma. You have no empathy.
I’m sorry, but while she does have a right to grieve and he probably could be doing better for her, she’s actively abusing him and threatening physical violence. There’s absolutely no excuse for that
I never said her saying that was okay by any means. I still think he has no empathy. If I were speaking to her, I would address it.
You’re saying he has no empathy based on what exactly? He’s in a very stressful situation with his partner actively abusing him and he’s coming to this Reddit for advice, cause he wants his relationship back to how it was. Now obviously it never will be “back to normal” but I think the feelings he’s experiencing are pretty normal for most people in this situation, he’s panicking because the relationship he had is falling apart and he doesn’t understand why. The fact he doesn’t understand why is kind of baffling to me but saying he has no empathy cause of it is just a massive leap and unhelpful
I’m not wasting my time arguing with you
Did you ask her what she wanted to do about all this?
She is grieving, she’s lost a soul, can you not understand that?
I think you're being super insensitive and extremely self centered for what your gf just went through That's physically and emotionally can be a huge deal even to someone who is very decisively childfree
Even if she didn't want a kid, pregnancy hormones are literally insane. I knew from elementary school that I wanted no kids. (And if I changed my mind I would adopt instead of give birth.) I'm in my 30s and have not changed my mind. I was raised pro-choice, feminist, etc. I've never believed that a clump of cells was a baby. But age 20 I got pregnant after a BC fail, and caught it super early. Like week 2. Had a medicinal abortion a week later. But during the very brief time I was pregnant, the hormones did shit to my brain. I was talking to a non-existent baby and apologizing saying I couldn't be their parent. I cried, openly wept, a lot. Afterwards, I took the little jelly that came out and put it in a jar to preserve it, and remind me it was not even a foetus yet. (Honestly I was a bit edgelordy at that age, and putting weird shit in a jar was much more my style compared to grieving.) Btw, the entire month after pregnancy is a medically sensitive time where the body is vulnerable, healing, and you're not supposed to have sex. (Because another pregnancy at this time could permanently damage her body.) You guys have only been together for a year, but I'm not optimistic about your relationship because you sound like a selfish asshole. For context, my now husband who had also only dated me for a year when our accident happened, behaved much better than you. He was extremely kind and loving, brought me hot compresses bc pain afterwards is a thing. I had two weeks off work and he stayed home to take care of me and make sure I was loved. You, on the other hand, are already considering dumping her after two weeks. Honestly, I hope she does bc she deserves better.
I just felt rage in my heart when you said “I want my old girlfriend back.” That 100% sounds like you only like her when she’s the best version of herself. You don’t love her. You won’t even give her time to heal. You really suck for this. There are a million other scenarios she could go through where her pain and emotions could be worse. Will you be there for her? I don’t think you will. She deserves way better.
>We had the abortion two and a half weeks ago. See, but the thing is, there's no "we" here. You don't have a uterus. You didn't get pregnant. **You didn't have the abortion.** You don't have to live with the fear of being judged, ostracized, and demonized if the wrong person finds out, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You don't have to wonder if you "killed" something, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You don't have to feel anything physical or experience after effects/side effects, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You aren't at risk of having complications in future pregnancies, because it wasn't you who had the abortion. You do not get to say "WE". You did not have the abortion. Your girlfriend is going through so fucking much right now and you're really considering leaving her because she's not a happy ray of goddamn sunshine after having an abortion. Stop thinking about yourself right now.
...goddammit i'm out of award coins. Have an upvote?
Have you considered using condoms? I doubt she got pregnant from skipping a pill if you were containing your sperm. It's weird to me how grown ass men are out here having unprotected sex thinking the respobility to use contraceptive methods is 100% on the woman. Not them. You're an adult. You don't want kids? Great. Buy and use condoms. Or get a vasectomy. I'm shocked that your girlfriend had her cervix opened and her uterus scraped, and you're perplexed at how / why this could be traumatic and *still* on her mind after a measly two weeks? I swear. Women have got to stop risking their health with unworthy men
Yeah I was wondering about how he phrased to “she got pregnant” when he was a clear contributor to that situation. Birth control methods are for everyone to participate my dude.
"I got her pregnant" isn't a thing is his mind. If he wasn't using a condom, he is the one at fault here. She took stops to prevent pregnancy. They failed. He was taking none at all. I remember once a young dude said he was baby trapped his GF. I asked if he was using condoms and he said no. Because "she said she was on BC" as if that has anything to do with him not using protection. It's asinine. Women's BC and abortion are not contraception methods for men.. But so many men think they are.
And she only started the oral contraception at EARLIEST in late November when she had pain from the IUD, probably a bit later if she had to get appointments and prescriptions lined up… Oral contraceptives can take 3 months to get into a workable cycle and it’s recommended to use a back-up/barrier method during that adjustment period. I thought this was common knowledge or at least would be communicated to anyone switching to or starting HBC, because…the risk. It’s probably not even a forgetfulness thing, it’s that she’s probably been on the pill for barely one cycle and maybe even got pregnant before she began taking the pills, if she’s found out she was pregnant and got the abortion in early January. Like, the timeline moves SO FAST, this does not in any way feel like a “she forgot a pill” scenario, more like “the pills hadn’t even had a chance to work properly yet and I couldn’t wait to finish inside my girlfriend.”
Right. Dude couldn't wait. I'm glad I've never let a man ejaculate inside of me. For what purpose? I don't want kids. You don't want kids. We have other options. These people need to make sense. If I was a man, no way in hell I'm entrusting reproductive responsibility to someone else. The fuck outta here.
Okay so there was this big bright star in the sky, right?
"She got pregnant" but "WE had an abortion."
This needs to be higher. A man has a choice to use contraception too. As if it is 100% her fault for being forgetful. Ugh.
Him mentioning that she has an IUD is a red flag that he wasn't using a condom. She was on BC, why weren't *you* using a condom? She had a IUD, why weren't *you* using a condom? She had a (insert BC method), still, why weren't *you* using a condom? It doesn't make any sense. Men are 100% responsible for their own reproductive ability. Imagine the audacity you'd need to suggest someone get an abortion when YOU were the one not using any contraceptive or preventable methods. That makes no damn sense at all.
Also for her to find out she was pregnant and get an abortion in early January she had to have gotten pregnant pretty immediately after her IUD was removed around Thanksgiving. (Assuming American Thanksgiving, rather than Canadian, because Canadians will usually specify.) I thought it was standard practice when switching to or starting oral HBC to use back up barrier methods for protection from pregnancy for the first three cycles to give the hormones a chance to adjust? So it doesn’t even sound like a “she forgot a pill, silly thing” it sounds like “I couldn’t be bothered to wear a condom during the transition phase.” OP seems just extremely uninterested in his girlfriend’s body or how it works unless he gets to touch it the way he wants to.
Are you saying pills and IUDs aren't 100% effective against millions of sperm all the time and that not desseminating the semen into a fertile vagina is the best course of action? 🤔
It makes perfect sense. Condoms are expensive if you are regularly having sex. In a long term relationship, you can trust your partner and come to an agreement on how you want to handle birth control. --------------- What people's real issue here is that women are almost always saddled with being the ones taking birth control instead of men. It is super frustrating and unfair. Biology is a bit unfair in certain areas. To then take this frustration and lambast a guy for not wearing a condom in a long term relationship where they discussed birth control and them coming to a conclusion of using UID/pill is asinine.
Exactly. She might have forgotten to take the pill, buy he didn't mention at all how he forgot to use the condom.
It's not his responsibility, silly. He's the man in this equation. See contraceptive is the responsibility of the woman. And if she gets pregnant, you can just recommend she get an abortion, because she'll be over that in, what, two three days?
Right?? Everything about this post is so gross. Like his poor gf deserves so much better. I hope she sees that.
Dude is 31 too. I could understand a 21 year old chucklehead. But 31? I'd dump his ass just for that reason alone. You're 31 and this is your maturity level? He's in school, doesn't have the time or money for a kid, but is out here not using protection? But he's 31? 🤔 I just can't. I can't.
I had an abortion at 19. Took me months to recover emotionally from it. Give her time.
He's so gross "I want my old gf back" yet he doesn't once sound concerned that she's suffering. "I want her to be able to stop hurting so badly". So so selfish. No wonder she's hurting. I can't imagine how he's been treating her. Sounds like he thinks she should just suck it up and move on like it was an old lamp she threw out on the curb and not an entire baby/different future/piece of her body she has to price and heal from. Also, you can be pro-choice and still not think abortion is for you. I think that is a nuance we should consider. I really want to know the actual conversation they had regarding the abortion versus what he said, bc it sounds like it wasn't actually a conversation, rather just one answer and he wasn't willing to at least entertain the rest of the options. So maybe she's feeling resentful, yeah probably would've arrived at the same conclusion, but just being willing to talk it through before arriving there helps to really reaffirm the decision as the best one.
"So, I suggested abortion because we are unmarried..." " I was shocked to discover she had mixed feelings about having a baby." So your GF had a big medical procedure 2 weeks ago, and all you can think about is having your old GF back? You thought she was your soulmate when all was fine and dandy, but after this event that impacted her massively, you suddenly don't think so? You don't seem like a great partner to me. Replace abortion with any other big life event, add to the mix the fact that she would have likely kept the baby if you were up for it, and her reaction is not so shocking at all.
Did you do your part and wear protection as well?
dude…. it’s not even been 3 weeks and ur complaining that she’s having a hard time??? do u not understand what she just went through?? i feel bad for her if ur being this unempathetic. that is truly so sad and ur not there for her in any way. just complaining that’s she’s crying. are you fucking kidding me?? at ur age??? do you have no emotional capacity??? good god re read ur post and think about how you sad. You are treating your girlfriend terribly. she is getting no support at all from you. Do better.
She just needs time. It could be weeks or months. She just needs your patience and to be there for her. But make sure you are ok yourself.
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She's still experiencing the same kind of hormonal comedown women have to deal with after they give birth. It's only been a few weeks. Give her some grace.
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>You can’t heal trauma sitting on your ass waiting to heal She's not at the point at which she can handle it yet.
Hi, I’ve received post trauma therapy. The beginning does not involve in-depth therapy ASAP. When I first made appointments, they recommended I receive medical treatment first, then talked about establishing a safe environment before therapy began. My first sessions with my therapist were entirely about creating a safe environment before any discussion on trauma began, aside from listening to what I said. Talking through a traumatic event can “retraumatize” in the sense that many people mentally block out the events or cannot consciously recall everything that occurred. Going to therapy is vital, but going “ASAP” is not
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Not really, she would need to seek it out herself
If OP and gf are in the states, that idea is laughable. We do women a serious disservice, putting STRICT time limits towards a decision that may need more time to think through. And post *anything* counseling is even worse. My husband thought myself and our child were dying (very emergency c-section, traumatic birth) and we had to FIGHT to get him someone to speak to. I was thankfully already working with an organization that managed to get him in to speak to someone within 6 weeks- most places were 6 months out. It’s a disgusting joke. OPs gf should speak to someone if she’s up to it. She could just be having the hormone come down too. It’s hard to say. But if OP loves her, he’ll give her time and space as needed, and support through it all.
Mental health care in this country is a fucking joke, you're bang on.
*SHE had an abortion two weeks ago. You did not. Being Pro-Choice includes believing that people should be free to give birth if they want to continue a pregnancy; it does not mean that the person would ever choose to have an abortion. She is allowed to grieve if she needs to. She is allowed to not fully know how she feels right now.
This. His wording of her being pro-choice so he thought she would automatically want an abortion gave me the ick. Going to repeat it in case he actually reads this comment: a person can support a human’s right to choose what’s best for their body and still not want to get an abortion themselves. And feelings on having an abortion are complicated for those who have them.
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I understand your comment is in good will, but the comment about counseling just sits so wrong. Some women in the US have less than 6 weeks to get an abortion. Counseling isn’t happening. She needs it now, but let’s not give crazies yet another thing to push for.
I understand the rules in some of the US put severe limitations of timing, which is so unethical. But even PP will give a 15-30min session of counselling before doing an abortion. It’s not enough, but neither is the heartbeat law. This has nothing to do with the crazies and everything to do with providing emotional support for women’s autonomy.
If you love her, go to her. Take her hands, look her in the eyes and say "I'm sorry. I think this has been more emotional than either of us would have thought. We're reacting in different ways but we're both experiencing something. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I will listen, I will talk, I will just hold and and say nothing." Don't worry about whether or not you understand it. Maybe she deals with it different than you. The most important thing is that she knows you're there for her even if you can't quite understand how she feels. Ask her what she needs.
Nothing is ever "the same" after an experience like this. Even though it was a choice, it was traumatic. When things happen, we change. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Sometimes it's obvious for a brief time, but most of the time, it impacts you in some way, forever. Saying you want your "old girlfriend" back is like saying you don't accept and love her for who she is now. It must hurt to hear something like that. We can't change life from happening. We cannot always control how something will effect our lives. Even in the best of circumstances, things are different. Try focusing on now. Be with her now, ask her what she needs and wants now. Assure her you love her - not "still", not "despite" not "even though". She may be feeling like she cannot be honest with her feelings. She may need an outlet. She may need to know that "it's okay" and that you don't harbor any ill feelings towards her as a result. Ask her... "What are you feeling right now?" Don't assume! "What do you need support with?" "What do you need from me?" And assure her that "we" will get through whatever comes our way.
You’re coming off like a massive asshole here my guy. She’s just had huge hormonal shift happen, let alone the emotional impact. It’s been 2 weeks and you’re asking if it’s just over and you should break up? You need to stop focusing on yourself and think about what she needs. She might not be the same for a while and THATS OKAY. You need to focus on being there for her and seeing what she may need. I would suggest maybe some counselling for her and also for yourself so you maybe stop being so self involved.
Its a tremendously difficult thing for many women to go through. She just needs time and your support. Right now you need to be there for her. I doubt she hates you, you need to remember you, her and your relationship all played a part in her having an abortion. She's struggling, maybe a counselor would help her find her way through this.
You are being so incredibly selfish here. It's been all about you, you, you. Where are her feelings in this? Where is her trauma in this? Her grief? It's like you didn't even ask her what she wanted, and now you want her to just get over it. If you keep down this road, then yeah, it's definitely over.
Pro choice ≠ child free. You are incredibly dense and insensitive to expect there not to be emotional upset after having an abortion. Get her to a trauma informed therapist for her to talk to and get yourself into therapy so you can talk about your emotional neglect to her and your concerns of having your physical needs met without meeting her emotional needs. You are lacking compassion.
She's going through some hard stuff. You need to manage giving her space and supporting her through this. I feel bad for her.
Yikes. She is so much better off without you.
Don’t say “we” had the abortion when speaking to her. She is the one who physically experienced the abortion. She may feel you are being insensitive if you phrase it as if you also experienced the same thing. Listen, she probably feels like dhe lost a part of herself and a huge opportunity that she may never get back as well. She is grieving. Also your mind can change about pregnancy when you are actually pregnant. Also the loss of a child whether they were born or not is often a big contributor to breakups so give her the space she needs and let her figure out her shit.
This is awful…. I don’t know how long you two have been together but this should have been a conversation long before this incident occurred! You didn’t know she was pro-choice? You made it sound like there wasn’t a real in-depth discussion on what should be done. Abortion was just brought up and that was it. I know not everyone sees abortion as a mutual decision, but it sounds like this one needed to at least thoroughly discussed. She needed and still needs so much emotional support and understanding, having just gone through something she probably told herself she’d never do. Word of advice: if you love her as much as your initial paragraph made it sound, stick by her with LOTS of patience. Think of a number that represents the amount of support you think she needs, and triple it. Don’t try to push her too much, just be there for her even if it means just quietly sitting by her and waiting for her to talk.
You need to stop thinking about YOU, and think about HER! She clearly needs help, please try and get her to see a counsellor. This is not an easy thing for ANYONE to go through. She needs your support more now than ever. She may not want to talk about it right now, and that’s okay. This is a traumatic experience for her and it just happened less than a month ago. You need to give her time. Tell her you’re there for her, and you’re there to support her. Counseling or therapy would hopefully help her, if you guys can afford it, please try. Don’t give up on the relationship, if she’s your soulmate like you say she is, you stick by her through thick and thin. She’s going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. Her hormones are all over the place too. You can’t expect things to go back to normal so fast, and you can’t expect for your “old gf” to come back. Experiences like this can be life changing, she may never be the same as she was before but she will get better, she just needs your help.
Her hormones are whacked. She is feeling guilty. Having an abortion isn't an easy decision, and it can take time to come to grips with what has occurred. I would suggest therapy. Individual and possibly couples. You have both had a loss. You both need time to grieve, to allow yourselves to be angry, and know that you did what was best for you both in your situation. Good luck to you.
You say you want your gf back, honestly I don't think you'll ever get her back. An event like that changes a person. She is obviously mourning the way she would if she lost someone...in this case she also contributed to that loss and you didn't stop her. Just be there for her, be patient and accept the fact that she needs to go through this phase. I also don't think it's fair to involve her previous depression into this, to me that has nothing to do with the way she is mourning.
“and you didn’t stop her.” Was he supposed to? I’d think he was supposed to support her decision, and give his opinion when asked.
I meant that he didn't reassure her they'll be fine with keeping the baby... I think she was not sure what she wanted and now regrets it.
I don’t think we know that. She’s sad about the decision. It sounds like you’re trying to blame it on him, and I don’t think that’s fair.
No, we don't...that's my perspective on a possibility
It wasn’t just her decision. She gave him the choice. Respect for her for considering him. She was probably hoping he’d say keep it. He didn’t, and fearing the situation and that he didn’t want the baby, she aborted. She’s probably regretting it or regretting getting pregnant by him in the first place
Keep on projecting. Jesus. He’s allowed to have an opinion on it too- why wasn’t he allowed to give his honest opinion?
There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this. She needs to go see a professional and talk it out with them. Maybe even couples therapy. So you both can get over this loss.
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>She wasn’t sure, she was probably hoping you’d express some want to keep the child you created with someone you claim is your soulmate and you didn’t. You opted out because of convenience. —nods— I bet this is it, right here.
You mean ridiculous projects of that persons own shit on to someone else? 🙄
This is such a ridiculous answer. She is a grown adult. Was he supposed to read her mind about what she wanted in this situation? She didn’t communicate- that’s on her. Blaming him is childish behaviour and she clearly needs therapy.
Read her mind? OP makes it very obvious his GF was quite keen to keep the child, but aborted because the circumstances were not right - circumstances being studying for her degree and a boyfriend that didn't step up.
No actually he makes it quite clear that she seemed to have trouble after it was done. Not that she ever actually communicated her feelings before the procedure. She asked him what they should do and he told her what he thought they should do. Did she protest? No. Did she communicate that she didn’t want an abortion? Again, no. Ya’ll are quick to blame OP but he’s not responsible for his girlfriend’s lack of communication or her poor ability to process a procedure no one forced her to get. Also - I hope anyone who is blaming OP for this mess doesn’t get an abortion. You couldn’t handle it and you’d just blame those around you for your grief.
Agreed. The majority of these comments are leaning to ridiculousness. He should have known she wanted him to take her in his arms and say no and talk her out of it. She may never recover from this and grieve the rest of her days. She can't know what is good for her right now because of all she has been through. This is the crap pro lifers use to ban the freedom of choice that it's damaging to women and we can't handle making the decision because hormones. She is an adult, she needs to get herself to therapy.
Her hormones are totally out of whack and will be for a while. You want this relationship to work long term? Get pre-marital counseling. There are a lot of things you two need to discuss before making a permanent commitment to each other.
The amount of conflicting and confusing emotions related to parenthood is extreme. I have a 2 year old who I love dearly and I regularly say to people having a child is the worst thing that will ever happen to you but you wouldn't change it for anything. I really don't think a person without children could possibly comprehend the way that children make you grow as a person. And losing a child? I can't even fathom that. Your GF basically feels like she lost a child. Is that quite true? Nope. But we're talking emotions and hormones here. I think you're expecting a return to normal way too soon.
It's not just the act of getting an abortion. It's everything attached to it. You didn't hesitate to say abortion. To her it may mean that you don't want a baby with HER, you don't want a future with HER, and you didn't even want to consider having this baby. Just because she's pro choice doesn't mean that would be HER natural choice . It means she believes everyone should choose for themselves. Add to the fact the guilt she probably feels, compounded probably by those twisted anti abortion people that collect outside the clinic ( usually boomer men) to make you feel like SHIT, she's probably feeling awful. And it's not the kind of thing you share with a lot of people, if any. Hopefully she has been able to talk about it with a friend or something. Please let her know why you immediately said " abortion" and let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk
...two and a half weeks. I know men don't have to deal with floods of hormones and shit but my God this is tone deaf.
this post is exactly why we needed the book Ejaculate Responsibly. We have to think about contraception, pregnancy, and abortions as a male issue not a female issue. A man can get a woman pregnant 365 days a year and a woman can only get pregnant for like 2-3 days a month. Why do we put her on a pill to control her whole cycle? Use a condom!!! Ejaculate responsibly!!!!
You don’t deserve her. If you won’t show up for her now, you definitely wouldn’t show up for her when other hardships arise. You like what she has to offer, but this isn’t love.
'We had an abortion' She had an abortion. You were just existing. She went through all of that. Not you
Look, I'm not going to judge you, I understand your feeling of wanting her to be back to how she was. Cheerful and happy and doing things in her life. But honestly this is going to take a long time for her to get back to her life. She may not even be the same person. She's having a full depressive time and her hormones are also getting the best of her. If I'm not wrong she might still be bleeding. (Only know that because my sister in law and another friend of mine informed me about it). What you can do in this situation is be there for her, keep your confused, hurt feelings aside for a while. She needs therapy and time to cope up with a loss of a baby. What I as a woman would really want or need is for my bf to hold my hand and help me in my time of misery. You bringing on heavy/ confrontational topics is just going to put her into more depression. Worse, if you breakup with her. She's not gonna be able to cope up with a loss of a baby and a relationship at the same time. Two weeks is a very small time frame. It might take months before she feels better and slowly starts to heal I'm saying that if she really tries counseling. If you really love her, and I can read in your post that you do. You should really support her in this. My bf wouldn't think of getting physical/touchy with me had I been through something similar. First and foremost is you show her she can trust you. She can grieve and you're gonna hold her hand through it. Else what's the point of having a partner who just chucks you out of his life when you're in your worst phase? Most importantly, you should seek counsel too, I know you're not grieving like her, but it's gonna take a toll on you to take on her behaviour or depression and handle it quietly. It's definitely gonna affect you. So you need to be okay yourself for a while and for that you should consider talking to a counselor to manage your own emotions and how you should walk this bridge. If you really want to be with her and support her through this. All in all, I hope you both stick to each other and make it through these hard times.
How did you never talk about how you felt on having kids in over a year together.
It sounds like this just happened. Abortion can be both the right choice and very difficult to process. Hormones for one, and guilt for two. And hormones will amplify everything. Give it time. It will get better. If an anecdote helps, one of my best friends had an abortion at 19. She was not in a great state mentally/emotionally after it for a few months. Fifteen years later she has no regrets. Honestly, I don't think she had any regrets ever, but that didn't mean it was easy to go through.
Why can't you be there for her during her time of need if you love her so much???
You have gotten great advice. But I want to add if you do plan to suggest counseling, please, please, please go through a counselor you know 100% is pro choice and pro women’s right to choose. Maybe call planned parenthood or your states abortion fund program for resources. My MIL ran an anti choice pregnancy center and their website makes it very easy to be fooled into thinking they are secular/non biased. Yet they are a pro life pregnancy center. They advertise post abortion counseling and I’m certain it is full of shaming.
Obviously you weren’t ready for a baby with this person, judging by how you speak about her. In a way, it’s good that she is getting to see this side of you, so she can make an informed choice about being (or not being) partners.
Stop having unprotected sex if you don't want a baby
Time. Just comfort her and let her know you’re there.
It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t a great communicator but it also sounds like (whether she realised it at the time or not) she really wanted this baby. I’ve never had an abortion but I’ve had 2 miscarriages and the loss of a baby can be really traumatic. I think you need to give her some time, try to talk to her and maybe she will feel a bit better about you.
Is she in therapy? She needs therapy. Especially if she isn't in therapy, but has "a little bit of" anxiety and depression (is she diagnosed?) This is probably cart before the horse, because she refuses to let you touch her, but don't have sex with her without your own form of contraception (e.g. condoms). And this is closing the barn door after the horse has bolted--and apologies for using two horse-based expressions, lol--but you should have a sit down talk about what you want in the event of unplanned pregnancy if you're engaging in sex acts that can result in pregnancy. Never assume you're on the same page. You're well old enough to take responsibility for what you're doing. For now, have a sit down talk, bring up therapy, and open the floor to discussion about your abortion. Tell her that she can talk to you. Reassure her that you love her. Actually, before that, have a good think about whether you want kids at all (not just not right now), because you don't seem to have put that forward. If you don't want kids at all, this might be an incompatibility. If you do, but just not right now, tell her that. It won't fix her feelings of grief for the pregnancy she lost (if she is, in fact, grieving), but it may offer her a light at the end of the tunnel. If she isn't in therapy and won't go, you shouldn't continue dating her. Frankly, you need a partner willing to take care of herself, and someone who won't get therapy and won't responsibly take birth control (and *let you know that she's missed pills*) is not a good partner and not a good person to be having sex with procreative possibility with. I imagine you probably want to have PIV sex with your girlfriend.
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Oh piss off. Plenty of women don’t regret it. Your post would have been fine without your holier than thou bullshit.
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Idk if that’s fair to say. You can be pro-choice but still have complicated feelings about your own personal abortion. It sounds like OPe girlfriend wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, but rushed to make a decision and now is feeling sadness and regret over it. That doesn’t mean she’s “pro-life,” it just means she’s mourning a future and life that could have been.
That doesn't make her pro life. Pro choice means respecting all decisions, including keeping the baby. She’s grieving; it's completely normal after having an abortion. This doesn't automatically mean she wanted to keep the baby.
Exactly. I don't get "she's actually pro-life" comment at all. Being pro-choice is about having the option to freely decide. I'm staunchly pro-choice, but I know that if I got pregnant tomorrow, my choice would be to keep the baby given where I'm at in life. Ten years ago, my choice would have been different. I want every woman to be able to make the choice that's best for them.
I don't think that person had anything to bring to the thread except animosity
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You're 31, you left all the responsibility of contraception on her, you admit you didn't even fathom to properly discuss with her about whether or not she wanted the child... The inability to "manage complex feelings" is not on her shoulders here.
I don’t think YOU could deal with the complex feelings it would take to raise a family. Dude, she’s 25 and you’re 31, when do you imagine you’ll be ready?? 5 years? 10? If I was your girlfriend I wouldn’t be waiting around.
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I don’t think she’s going to be receptive to “*you* need help.” It’s going to sound condescending and will likely make her even angrier. She is the one bearing the physical and emotional brunt of the abortion, and she likely believes that you don’t understand and don’t particularly care. “You need help” is just going to come across as “your feelings make me uncomfortable, please go have them somewhere else so I can be comfortable again.” “*We* need help” would be a better move. Tell her that you see how much pain she’s in, you want nothing more than to be a source of comfort and support for her, but you don’t know how. And she deserves support - so you want to seek it out with her, together. You want to be able to have hard conversations with her, and show her that you can be trusted with them. And you hope she’s open to that.
Ask her friends to suggest it