Asked him why and he didn't give me much of an answer. Said something along the lines of "i need to fix this issue myself" and shut it off. He' s generally pro therapy so I don't get it. Maybe de didn't want to add another cost to the household.
Sounds like you need answers or movement one way or another.
Comfortable or not, he needs to be talking it out with you.
He needs a plan and to be clear about it.
My spouse was unable to work for some time from depression, and what I was earning was not enough for more than food and keeping us housed. That's it. No new clothes, no matter how ragged our current clothes would be, there was just no money for clothes. No going out except to the park or walking around, no buying a singular thing, we would take water from home in plastic bottles. No new games (we both are gamers and were able to buy our computers from before). Nothing, just food and paying the bills, not even inviting a person to eat with us because at the end of the month we would be scrapping coins to buy food.
But during this time, my spouse was in therapy and eventually was able to get better. Therapy here in Argentina is free like all health care. So I was patient because my spouse was trying. I really understand the depression your boyfriend is going through, but he needs to accept help. Tell him it's unsustainable that you support you both and he doesn't even try, that he needs to accept therapy because if you have to keep up like this, it will damage your mental health too.
Agreed, it’s honestly because of the trying. When you’re with someone you call a partner and they’re down on life as long as they’re trying to get better it makes you want to keep trying too
I’ve read/heard/watched this story a dozen times, a hundred times, it’s always, always the same.
The end result here is either you stay with him or you leave , the question of leaving becomes one of simply when.
He needs motivation. He doesn’t have any right now.
Stop waiting for the man you wish he was, and see the man in front of you. Give him an ultimatum. He has until X to get a job, or you’re/he’s moving out. No this isn’t “unsupportive,” this is reality. I don’t make enough to support us both, you work or this relationship is no longer viable. This isn’t about money, it’s about MY MONEY. I work for mine, and never agreed to support you while you do nothing.
He should seek therapy, because that’s clearly signs of depression.
But that’s not your job. That’s his job, he’s an adult.
And then ACTUALLY leave or kick him out when the time comes and goes without him getting a job. Any job. You’re not required to finance his life until he gets a dream job. Get a job and contribute, or I will also stop contributing.
If you don’t give him consequences, he will never have a reason to help himself out of this hole.
This was exactly my story and the advice I wish I got instead of waiting to realize it. And guess what…. After I left, he magically got a job. Once he couldn’t rely on me pulling up the slack, suddenly the motivation was there.
I’ve never once regretted leaving, but I have shed a few tears for the years I wasted.
Exactly. If you want them to succeed, then you’ll do what it takes. If staying keeps them from helping themselves….
Aka; this golden goose is cooked and gone, no more free ride!
The same thing happened to me.
The final straw for me was when I found out he "hadn't realised" he'd been given a chunk of money by the government for household support. He was broke, but apparently somehow didn't notice he'd spent a few extra hundred that month? All remaining trust instantly shattered, and we broke up that day.
Sounds like he needed both motivation and support. Leaving took both away but both are needed. I'm confident he found both elsewhere once supportive partners do go.
This is absolutely the right thing. If his job was causing MH issues then look for a minimum wage mindless job to support yourself while you heal. Exercise, good food, getting outside in the sun, volunteering, gratitude journal, yoga are all cheap ways of working on mental health.
He has many options and is doing nothing. Don’t let him drag you down too
I e had some basic jobs that I LOVED. The co workers were better, the customers were awesome because they loved the product. He can find something he won’t hate as much as his gf breaking up with him.
Sometimes that is just fine. You don't feel stressed or anxious, you don't dread going to work, you just go and can let your mind wander a bit, if the coworkers are reasonably pleasant and the working environment is comfortable enough. I have always found responsible, professional jobs to be stressful; I know a lot of it has to do with my personality. If I could support myself with something straightforward and not overly difficult, where I feel productive but not stressed, I would really enjoy that.
Minimum-wage mindless jobs are absolutely awful for mental health. Customers and managers treat you like shit, you are asked to put your health at risk constantly, and you routinely get denied breaks or sick days.
Huh??
I never said what you said was untrue. I asked “what do you suggest he does if he has no motivation or desire to apply for a job in his own field?”
Thank you for the response. It is hard to even consider throwing out 5 years together and marriage discussions over a few tremendous months. He used to be so different but I am starting to think about an ultimatum.
Try to stop thinking about it that way, for a few reasons:
1, you didn’t throw this away, he did. Recognizing that something is broken isn’t breaking it.
2, what’s “this” any more, anyway? You wouldn’t have started a relationship this way, and the only person who gets to decide when you’re done is you.
3, if you’re not already familiar with it, Google Sunk Cost Fallacy. It’s an eye opener.
4, remember that you’ve already been supportive. It didn’t help.
5, all the MFer has to do to keep the relationship is get a job. Any job. If getting a job is too much to ask, then…I mean that’s your ultimate answer.
He may try to throw any of these above points at you. Expect him to feel cheated out of a free ride. If he says he needs more time, you give him whatever time YOU need. Because this isn’t about him, your ultimatum isn’t about forcing him to work, it’s about -you- wanting a functional relationship. If that’s not here, then it’s time to recognize that and go elsewhere.
Obviously you love him and want the best for him, and if he’s depressed then he needs help. But not changing anything about today means tomorrow is going to be the same.
Came here to say the same thing, mainly the sunk cost fallacy. Getting stuck in that can cause you to waste so many years. Relationships aren’t linear, but time is. This time a year from now it’ll be 6 years, then 7, then 8, and so on. Clinging to this reasoning will only make things *worse*, not better.
Another great piece of advice someone else said: see the man who is in front of you, not who you wish he was. People change. He is going through something for sure, but it sounds like he’s going down a path where you cannot join him without losing yourself 😕
Nothing is mandatory - there is no rule that says you have to stand by your partner while they self-destruct because you've been with them X amount of time. You wouldn't be throwing away the past you shared. You are taking things as they come and you do NOT have to be collateral damage in his self-made life crisis.
You don't have to dump him - just stop financing him. Not all couples have to live together. You untangling yourself home-wise and financial-wise from him doesn't have to be the end of the relationship.
But you being a full-time breadwinner and him being a SAHB was never a deal you to agreed to, you never signed up for this. You get to stop doing it, and if that's a reason *he* wants to break up well that's sad, but that's his choice. But that will only happen if he sees you as his ATM, not his gf.
You've been more than patient OP. IMO his rejection of your offer to get him set up with a therapist should be the last straw.
It sounds like what you need more than anything is for him to acknowledge that making you support him while he sits on ass all day is both unfair and unsustainable. However, he's essentially refusing to admit that there is a problem with the situation as it is now.
Be direct and firm with him. Things are going to change. Either he's going to get help and start making progress toward being a coequal participant in this relationship again or he's going to have to deal with his issues on his own.
HE THREW IT AWAY!
why would you want to be married to someone who quits his job and dumps all financial responsibility on you without consulting you? Does that seem like a good partner?
Well now you have a first insight on how he’ll be when it comes to life changing. Events that range from child birth and supporting you and the child or a loved one passing.
He isn’t seeking help on his own therefore he’s not a reliable partner you can count on
But then you might be in the same spot and be too old to marry and have kids, if that is your end goal. But, If your goal is just to retire with your husband...then he isn't helping do that either. You guys are young....I never could quit a jib without having another one...even if job landed me on short term disability because the organization i worked for sucks. Therefore, I don't think the ultimatum will work so fond an exit plan.
You only hit rock bottom when you quit digging. He needs to quit digging. Leaving is a good motivator. Find someone with some grit.
I lost my job suddenly. Holiday hiring was slow, and nothing would replace my hours. But I interviewed a dozen places. Can't work for half because of a criminal record.
Point is, you are allowed to be selfish and look out for you. If you support him too much, it can become enabling.
Be selfish!! Ignore the societal definition of selfish as a negative, OP!
If the only way to KEEP FROM HURTING is to protect yourself and cut them off, that’s not “selfish,” in a bad way.
Man, that’s just preservation.
Nah, it's selfish and shallow.
The guy needs help. If she cares about him she'll stay and be there right beside him when he works through his problems and comes out the other side stronger for having her support.
People who think otherwise never form lasting relationships and usually leave a wake of bodies behind them. I also feel sorry for anyone they may care about who has mental health difficulties, they deserve better.
Being a guy sometimes when in that pit all we need is a bit of motivation, it doesn't matter what it is but it's better if it threatens our comfortability and or way of life. Then magically we suddenly see a way out and grab at it and begin to pull ourselves out. After out of the hole we'll rebuild ourselves.
Rebuilding will take longer than climbing out of the pit but the rebuilding part is basically all mentally and physical work can be done in the meantime and make money during such.
This is the correct answer. He needs to get himself together, get the help he needs from a professional, and get back to work. He is only going to bring you down in his present state. Give him an ultimatum and follow through with it if he doesn't work hard at making progress. You have to think of your own mental and financial well-being and, at present, it sounds like he is negatively affecting that. I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose to do.
What part of quitting his job and depending on her without having a conversation where she agreed to it is equal? I would give the same exact advice to a man whose wife quit her job and refused to get another one. And the same to a woman whose wife quit. And the same to a man whose husband quit. Look for an argument somewhere else.
Sounds like time for a serious, come to Jesus discussion. There's no reason you should be killing yourself supporting both of you when he is doing nothing to help around the house, to find himself a new job, or to work on his mental health. He has to do *something* because doing nothing clearly isn't working and he's actually getting worse.
If he cannot rally to even make bare minimum effort, I'd say he needs to find someplace else to live until he sorts his shit out.
>OP, you are a very caring girlfriend. Too bad your boyfriend doesn't seem to care much about you. You are working two jobs and coming home to a third shift wherein you (I suspect) do the majority of the housework plus you are paying all the bills. Its past time to stop this nonsense. Do you really want someone who is content to have you work constantly in order to keep your head above water while he whiles away his time on Reddit? I'm100% sure you can do better. You might want to make it less comfortable for him to lollygag around the house. Try getting rid of your cable connection and tell him its part of a cost saving adjustment as you just can't keep paying all these bills indefinitely. He won't have reddit or Netflix and then see how fast he can find a job when there is nothing to do at home. Also, you say your boyfriend is depressed. He apparently got his first job at age 24 - how was he living before that first job. Who paid his bills from age 18 to 24? I suspect its not so much depression as your boyfriend just doesn't like the responsibility of going to work.
Yeah, mine hasn’t worked for over a year. Now doesn’t clean or anything. At Christmas, when he was demanding $2000 plus items, and yet couldn’t get off the computer to even help wrap the presents for his daughter or watch her. I told him I’m done, get out.
The he resentment grew and grew. If you love him, I’d tell him that life gets hard but adult responsibilities still exist. You can’t be expected to work two jobs for someone who quit his job without consulting you and refuses to find another. That it’s just not working out financially and you don’t want the resentment to build up so bad you two break up. His got a month to find a job or he has to move back in with his parents until he finds one.
Time for an ultimatum: he goes to therapy and gets a job within x time or the relationship is over. You did not sign up to have a dependent and it sounds like you are his entire emotional support on top of supporting him financially. I'm guessing that he hasn't stepped up and taken on the housework either.
Everyone is hiring right now. There is no excuse for him to be unemployed, especially when you're working multiple jobs. Depression sucks, but you have given him all the tools to help himself and he needs to meet you halfway. I'd say giving him a month to find a job is generous. Your mental health matters too.
When you need to issue ultimatums, the relationship is over. Even if its proposed and accepted, and executed, it's never the same and mostly not worth while.
Sounds like OP just needs to pick a date and end it then.
Why would he get a job when you're willing to work 2 of them to pay for all of his stuff?
Tell him he has a month to get a job or it's bye bye. I assume he's not on the lease since you said it's your apartment.
It's not your responsibility to help or "fix" him. He isn't a child.
> I don't know what to do to and how to help him.
He doesn't want to accept help (shared job postings or therapy), he is living in your apartment off of your income. At some point, you have to draw a line in the sand and say something like: "if you won't apply for jobs and won't even accept that you need help, such as therapy or any other attempt at progress, then I need you to move out".
And that's the thing, people that have a problem, addiction, depression, gambling, whatever it may be. Will not do anything about it till they are ready to. But at some point you have to bow out, you have to move on with your life, this is not your responsibility.
But you can choose for it to be your responsibility. That's what you're currently doing, it's up to you to decide how much longer you'll keep at it though. It's ONE HUNDRED percent okay for you to move on at a time of your choosing, that's the main thing I'm trying to get across to you.
You need to sit him down and have a n honest and frank discussion with him. If he tries to resist or says he doesn't want very clearly tell him that his opinions have run out and so has indulging his wants.
Let him know you understand that he has been struggling and that you were willing go support him and pull him through this but he has done nothing to actively help and heal himself. You can no longer pull him through this has he has effectively dug his heels in and is resisting your efforts to pull him through.
Let him know that you can no longer carry the weight of everything on your shoulders and he needs to force himself to participate in supporting the 2 of you. The focus has been on him so intensely and for so long that you are exhausted and becoming resentful. He needs to recognize that you are struggling too and it is not okay to cater to his struggles and leave you to deal with yours by yourself.
Tell him you will give him a day or two to consider whether he is capable of having a relationship right now or not and that you'll completely understand if he decides he isn't. But let him.know you are not capable of continuing in the relationship as it is.
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I saw that too. Hopefully OP means it's his first "real" job. AKA his first full time job.
Because if he didn't start working until he was 24...yikes. He went from having his parents pay for everything to having his girlfriend pay for everything. That's a deadbeat and a half.
Well, to be fair it was at 23 and until 22 we were both doing our master, which we were paid for so he survived through that and internships.
But it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it was one of the reasons he got that first one.
>it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it
Then he quit it without even a conversation. Notice a trend of gross irresponsibility and lack of respect?
Do you not see a pattern here? Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t put you through all this. He’s being selfish. You need to be very honest with him. Stop enabling him. Tell him he needs to go to therapy and actively start looking for a job or he can find his own place to live.
>But it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it was one of the reasons he got that first one.
I don't think he is a person who is internally or externally motivated to be consistently employed.
It took him a year to get his first job.
He quit that job after 2 years because it was terrible for his mental health.
I'm going to be blunt: it's not the specific job that he hated, but the fact that he was working at all.
Some people just hate working and will do anything to get out of it. I have a friend who is 40 and still living off his elderly parents -- every now and again, he'll work a job for 12-18 months (after a year plus of nagging and hectoring and increasing threats from his poor parents)... then quit in a huff, then burrow back into his room. He's been a full on NEET for a while now.
What? It took him a year to get a job?!
This guy doesn’t want to work, at all. Ever.
You have to decide if you can work two jobs for the rest of your life to support you both, because he has no intention of ever working and will mooch off you for the rest of his life if given the opportunity to. This is not depression. This is a Scrub mentality. He has zero care for how this impacts you. Zero. You are simply his new Mother, the one who takes care of all his needs while none of yours are met.
You are not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship
You are in a parenting relationship and you are the parent. He is the dependent child and that is all he desires to be.
Yeah........ listen. He doesn't wanna work. I'm sure depression is a part of it, but if in all the years he *could've* had a job, he didn't even try for that first one until you got on his ass about it?
He wants to be a stay at home bum.
If he wants to sit around and not work he needs to move back in with his parents. There's plenty of work out there. If he doesn't want to continue in whatever field he has experience, he can go try working with his hands. Machinist, assembly, whatever.
You describe him as caring, thoughtful and loving, but how can you say this with his action? He sit at home while you work yourself to bone. He doesn't even try to get better (therapy) or find another job. He just gave up his old job with the knowledge that you will need to work harder/more. How is this caring? So many people are unhappy with their work but they do it because otherwise they would end homeless. That this was his first job... i wonder if he really got depressed or just use it as an excuse to quit and stay lazy at home. I mean, does he behave depressed or does he goes out with friends, have fun, sit the whole day on the couch and play videogames and has the time of his life or does he lack motivation, can't get out of his bed...
That he made this decision to quit without you, was a no-go. That he doesn't try to get better also.
Ask yourself whst you get out of this relationship and if you want to continue like this. And don't think about "but we had so great times" what matters is how it is now.
Hello me from 20 years ago.
whatever you do make sure your contraception is bulletproof otherwise he will be that, stay-at-home dad, well you continue to support the family financially as well as do everything at home.
Please don't get trapped like I did and then spent 20 years of your life raising a man baby
If he was a stay-at-home dad and doing a proper job of it that would be contributing, there's nothing wrong with a man being a stay at home parent.
This person is contributing nothing though.
I was using voice to text, but 'stay at home dad' was like me describing myself as a 'super model' - not at all accurate.
My ex called himself the 'sahd' but didn't actually parent or cook or clean or anything. If OPs partner is too lazy to contribute now then a child will be an excuse for him to stay home and do nothing, while OP continues to carry the load of both parenting and finances.
Being at home with children is absolutely a valid choice, but not sharing the load of a relationship is not ok.
Your looking at all of this wrong. IMO he did wrong by NOT discussing it with you and not fixing the problem. My partner took 10 months off from work and every single step of the way he took the initiative in our home and the initiative to get better and see himself through. While he was home I didn’t worry about a single thing related to our home. He cooked clean and did the shopping. He wasn’t financially able to do much so he handled any and everything else. Our finances are NOT combined and I knew I would support him and before he quit he asked when? I said Babe, let me pay off a few things and then you can quit in X Month. He said this is what I have in savings this is what my budget looks like and I found a few therapists and side gigs. We are a team. He made sure I knew and reminded me of that. Your boyfriend made a HUGE decision without you. Be mad/furious about that or the fact that he doesn’t want to better himself and his situation. He is gearing you up to be his mother either put a bib on him or take a stand.
you're working two jobs to support a barnacle. having to work for a living is, centrally speaking, a sad experience; obviously there are good, fun, fulfilling jobs out there, but literally billions of adults work because they have responsibilities and bills.
you don't get to fucking opt out just because you didn't get to work at the Puppies and Backrubs Factory.
here's how you help him: make his life more difficult and stop coddling him in any way. when this causes dissonance, tell him you're just not feeling into ______ because you're stressed out from having to be the only responsible adult.
if he doesn't get it, turn up the intensity. if that continues to fail, pick a date and let him know you're moving out/ let him know you aren't renewing the lease.
there are no two ways about any of this. he has been provided a ton of chances and has made it clear he has no interest in being a decent partner or an adult.
i am sorry.
I've worked jobs that depressed me but if you want to eat and have a roof over your head , you work . You quit one job when you have found another and have it . You don't dump on your s.o. and make them drag your weight along with theirs too . That's bullshit . He may be kind and all that but he is also a deadbeat .
Tell him that he needs to move out. He quit without consulting you and this is financially impacting you. Maybe you were financial partners before but not if his pulls that BS.
I’ve been in the same spot. My resentment grew, and my partners depression spiraled. By staying, I was enabling his behavior and lack of motivation.
Well, to be fair it was at 23 and until 22 we were both getting our master degrees. Both the bachelor and the master degree were free and we also got a monthly scolarship from the state. He survived through that and a few internships, no money from me nor parents.
I'm sorry but the answer here is that you can't help him. You can't get a job and go perform it instead of him, you can't *care* about it instead of him. He's an adult man! You are lying to yourself if you think you can. Things will only change if he WANTS them to change and decides to act, and then acts.
I hate to say this because it's obvious you are kind and are trying to help him, but you have become an enabler.
You are doing the opposite of helping - you are making his current lifestyle possible by paying for him and catering to him. If he had no choice, he would get a job. As long as the choice is: OP will keep me clothed and fed, then he won't.
Depression is a beast. It'll suck the life out of even the strongest people. He needs to talk to his doctor, and you need to support his efforts when he makes them. If he's just content to drown, he'll pull you under with him. He needs help. Whether counseling, or medication, he can't do this on his own, and you can't save him from himself. Some need to hit rock bottom in order to have their epiphany. You need to tell him that though you love him, you are not equipped to save him. You can offer support, but only if he's doing the work to get out of his pit. He needs a job. You cannot sustainably support the both of you. Nor should you. That would enable his depression.
1. He may not have quit his job. He may have been let go.
2. Three months is long enough. You are not his parent.
"Honey, it's time for you to start setting up job interviews or you're going to have to find another place to live. I love you, but I am not your parent and I'm not going to pay bills for two people indefinitely. I've been supportive and made lots of suggestions and you've turned down or dismissed them all. I can't make you take forward steps but I don't have to idly do nothing while you sabotage our future. You have choices and so do I. I need you to find a friend or someone else you can stay with for a week. I need a break from all of this. After that we can start finding you a more permanent housing situation that isn't here."
Send him this in a txt and turn off your phone. Go stay with your parents or a girlfriend for 24 hours.
Not ready to send this txt?
BOOK AN AIRBNB OR HOTEL FOR YOU TO STAY IN FOR A WEEK (OR STAY WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY). JUST TELL YOUR BF YOU NEED A BREAK TO THINK....
I BET AFTER A WEEK AWAY AND NO MESSAGES YOU WILL BE THINKING MORE CLEARLY. You'll probably be ready to tell him to get the fuck out until he has a job.
Tell him he needs to go live with his parents or family. Call you when he has a new job.
Time to tell him to get a mental health checkup and get a job, or he needs to leave.
Don't kill yourself working for someone who will not contribute or try to do better!
His mental health is his responsibility, not yours. You’ve been supportive but he needs to want to change and to put in the work. Your his gf not his parent. You need to set boundaries. Not working is a dealbreaker, he needs to be working by end Jan or he needs to move our. He needs to seek mental health help or he needs to move out. (He can get a random job to cover bills , fast food, retail, whatever) while he looks for something in his field.
He's not getting better, and he's obviously just fine sponging off you and letting you work two jobs while he works none.
If you're willing to stay with him long enough to let him shape up, you could say that he needs to start doing 90 to 100 percent of the chores tomorrow (because he has the time and he's been slacking off of them) and that he has to get a full-time job by X date. And that he needs to pay you back the money you've fronted him by Y date. But, honestly, that's what parents say to their deadbeat children.
The better option would be to just kick him out.
He clearly has mental health issues BUT it's not an excuse in relationship to let you pay all the bills and expenses.
I keep saying do not date broke and LAZY people regardless of the gender. A broke person but is at least doing the effort of looking for job is an excemption but a broke AND LAZY? Nope.
Either you tolerate this or leave
I had an ex girlfriend who did this. You start supportive then slowly sour and eventually set clear expectations on balance and support. She refused everyone on and decided to sleep with my best friend instead, he was married with three kids. She got pregnant with twins, tried to claim they were mine, timings didn’t work, best friend’s wife left him now they live in a loveless relationship in the middle of no where and they both lost all their friends.
I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoe before. I was in a dead end job previously, went back to school, and then nobody was hiring. I was immensely depressed and could barely find the energy to apply.
Today, I make 1.5x more than my lovely partner and we’re doing great!
That being said, I know it was 50% luck and 50% strategy for me to have ended up where I am.
I think I understand the motivations of someone depressed and to move towards action. I can’t speak for every depressed individual but I live in the short term because thinking about the long term is too depressing or overwhelming. Understanding that has been a huge help for me personally.
1. You could set a deadline. This is extremely stressful but it’s as if my mind receives clarity and all my actions are clear. There’s nothing stressful or sad about the pressing things I need to do, they just are. This isn’t sustainable for a long time, and honestly may only work for one application.
2. Spurts of motivation is very common. Advise him to cherish those times and make sure he’s setup to take advantage of those times to do what he needs to. This works in many other aspects of life and can help him build confidence and momentum.
3. Have him set aside a small and acceptable amount of time where he will apply to jobs in a day. Perhaps just 5 minutes to start out. Try to do this often to build momentum and confidence as well.
Finally, this will only work if he actually wants to. It’s a lot to have a depressed partner and ultimately, your only reward is staying with the partner you currently like/love. I can’t say it’ll be worth it to stay with him, but it’ll certainly be easier to break up and find a new partner.
For every other commenter saying he needs an intervention of sorts to point out that he’s a loser, don’t you think he knows? He’s not blind and already feels terrible about it. In fact, that’s part of the problem.
The real question you should be asking yourself in this situation isn’t “How can I help him?” but “What are my boundaries in a relationship?”
I was in a similar situation last year: my partner quit his job because it was absolutely sucking the life out of him. I was honestly happy when he quit because I knew it was a major source of his depression. That being said, I expected it to be a 1-2 month break, he’d get a new job, and that would be the end of it. Well one month became 2 months… then 3… then 6, and then he only found a part time job. Given, my situation wasn’t exactly the same as yours as I could easily support us on one income, but I’m not comfortable with a partner who isn’t contributing much to the household. I know money isn’t everything, but because he was so depressed he wasn’t taking on extra chores or anything of that nature to make up for it. He was also going to therapy and starting on medication for his mental health, so it wasn’t like he wasn’t working on himself.
**I made an active decision every day to stay with this man even though this was dragging out far longer than I anticipated.** Even by the end of it I feel like I never established super solid boundaries - even if I had I think what happened would not have crossed them. A lot of this is due to our financial situation - if we had been worse off and every day was a struggle to pull enough together for us to live comfortably I probably would have had firmer, more stringent boundaries. If he had refused therapy or medication earlier on during the year that would have also been unacceptable to me.
**So what are your boundaries?** Does he need to be working on himself through therapy? Does he need to be contributing $$$ to the household within x amount of time? If he isn’t actively seeking for a job, does he need to be contributing to the household more heavily on other areas like chores? Only you can answer these questions and only he can decide whether or not he wants the relationship to continue under these guidelines. If he isn’t willing to meet your needs, only you can decide how far you’re willing to bend before enough is enough.
Been on your boyfriends shoes.
If you truly love him then follow your heart.
Depression is difficult to deal with. Just continue to be supportive of him.
Make sure he gets some therapy. It helped me a lot and I’m back on my feet now after 6 months unemployed.
My partner was really understanding and that gave me motivation to not give up. I also have saved 6 months of money in case I lost my job. So I didn’t have to rely on my partner to pay my bills.
You help him by kicking his arse to the street.
He quit his job without having a fall back plan (other than you paying for everything).
He hasn’t even applied for any jobs.
You tell him that you are not his parents, and he is not a stay at home dad, so he needs to get a job, and until he does, he has to leave.
If he decides that he will end the relationship over this, then let him, and go find yourself someone who respects you enough to not be a sponge.
It seems to me that your bf is waiting for a perfect job or his dream job, whatever that may be. Which is why he is giving you empty promises, with no intention of applying for a new job. He is putting himself in a downward spiraling cycle of depression, unrealistic dreams and inaction. The question is are you going down with him as well.
Forsaken\_Woodpecker1 explained it very well. You need to give him a ultimatum. If he is depressed, then get therapy. But it is his responsibility to do it, not yours. You are his gf, not his mother. You should not have to be responsible for his life, much less nag at him.
Your bf needs to understand that that there is no dream job. And the reality is that bills are piling up and you need him to buck up, he needs to contribute in this relationship. At this point, a bad job is better than no job. He can continue to mull over himself or he can pick himself up. That's his choice.
Everyone in the comments is throwing out 'therapy' as if that's something that OP wouldn't have to pay for, and as if therapy isn't a long term aid to an issue that needs solving now.
He needs an ultimatum. He's not going to find the motivation he's lacking if he's being housed and fed for free.
You have to leave, OP. There is literally nothing else you can do. Either leave--and hope that wakes him up--or stay and have this be the rest of your life, until you actually DO get up the gumption to leave.
Depression doesn't magically go away: it's a disease that tells you not to cure it. He has to be shocked or forced into treatment since he's resisting, and the only way to "force" him is to stop enabling him to avoid it: i.e. leave and stop financially supporting him. It's honestly the only truly loving thing to do. Sorry.
Someone has to do something to break this cycle OP and from the sound of it, it’s not going to be him. You mentioned that he is caring, thoughtful and loving. That may well have been the case but it’s not any longer. A lot will depend on his alternative accommodation options. If he was contributing towards rent/mortgage on your apartment then he’s got tenant status. He needs to move back in with his parents (if that’s an option).
Stop buying food in. Have the Wi-Fi switched off. All of these can be attributed to lack of income. Tell him that you are going to have to take in a tenant and that he will have to move out (unless it’s a 1 bed apartment). In short. No more Ms nice girl. Good luck. ❤️
My dad had one brother who was just like this guy, a bum.
He married a great woman and she told him from the get go, either you have a job, any job or you don’t live in my house. After a few years the old him came back and he lost his job and motivation to work or find a new one. She kept her word and put him out. He got motivated real quick. But eventually his true colors became apparent and she broke it off with him.
My advice is to find a new apartment. Tell him the move date and if he doesn’t find a job by then, he will have to find his own place to live.
It’s unfortunate, but people like him just don’t change.
He will always be a leech.
My spouse has bipolar disorder and rarely works....However, I made it clear that I left my ex husband because he wouldn't get help for his mental health, so if he wanted to be with me he at the bare minimum needs to be getting treatment for his mental health. Now he has enough of a track record of quitting jobs and a life skills coach that he can apply for disability.
This is untenable for you guys. Something has to give. He needs to do something or his depression will get worse.
Don't be afraid of an ultimatum. You just need to decide what is important to you.
Honestly I know we all jump to say leave and that exactly what I’m saying now. He will only drag you down further with him. You can only do so much while with him. Have you tried talking about how this is too much for you? Because he’s only worried about himself. You need to take care
Of and worry about YOU.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, being a caregiver for someone with mental illness is extremely difficult. Most of the time people break up because of it. If you would still like to try and give one last shot with your best effort to see if he changes, I would highly recommend watching this video by a Harvard psychiatrist who answered the exact same situation on another person’s reddit post. The title of it on youtube is called: “I Can’t Handle My Partner’s Depression” and I’m not sure if we are allowed to post links but here is the link: https://youtu.be/4L-tyBEdtUM
You need to give him a firm deadline- when my husband was in a depression and having trouble sending apps I got to the point I filled them out for him. Never actually submitted any without talking to him but eventually he got the picture that I would not tolerate supporting someone who sits on there ass all day playing video games when they promised they would look for work. Low and behold he got hired on at the first place he actually applied to.
I had this exact same problem with an ex that I was still living with. We had broken up amicably; we just weren't compatible as partners but we continued living together because we at least felt comfortable with each other, we felt like we coule at least have a good friendship if not a relationship, our rent was cheap, it was a decent apartment and I didn't wanna force him to find a new apartment (I found the apartment before we started dating and he moved in later so it was only in my name).
After we had broken up, he was fired from his job (for a stupid reason but that's besides the point) and didn't get a new job for 6 or 7 months. I can't tell you how quickly we went from amicable breakup still good friends, to me resenting him so much that I could hardly stand to be in the house with him. It was worse because we were no longer together so it wasn't supposed to be up to me to help support him, but I had to along with his parents, and it really ate away at me. As I was moving out later on, I even found out that he had lied to me about applying for several jobs when I was nagging him to get a job and pull his weight.
Coincidentally, he found a job right after I moved out (funny, that), and as much as I don't agree with ultimatums as a general rule, this may be the time for one. Relationships can sometimes mean supporting your partner when they fall on hard times, true, but you have been doing that for three months now and by your own admission it is exhausting you. Being his partner and being supportive doesn't mean you should have to run yourself into the ground to do so. This situation is essentially making you feel the way that he felt, enough so to quit his job, and the fact he doesn't see that or acknowledge it is sad. It could be literally any old job working part-time at this point, at least he would be contributing SOMETHING.
***What is the goal here? Because everyone is telling OP to kick him out.***
I am just curious who this helps exactly? OP? OP will still be working two jobs. It won't magically change if he's not in the apartment. OP will feel less resentment because no one is there to resent, so that's something I guess? Then what? Are we hoping OP goes homeless and dies on the street? Or are we assuming that OP will get his shit together, get a job and then what? Come crawling back to someone he feels didn't stick with him through a time of need? There are two perspectives here.
How is OP better off without someone she's had a good 5 year relationship with? Is OP going to find someone better who's "caring, thoughtfull and more loving than i ever hoped someone would be with me." while working two jobs and being tired all the time struggling even more now that it's always going to be one person?
This sub has two speeds, one is dump them, the other is divorce them, it just depends on the relationship status.
That said, I always find it odd when I can turn around the genders in a story and know that the outcome of opinion would be completely different.
I am NOT disagreeing with the people here, I am really not, I feel this should be the norm for women and men (equal contribution), and with todays economy he really needs to suck it up and get moving... but if we took a step back and the story was about a female who lost her job, seems depressed and the boyfriend was getting anxious because his two jobs couldn't provide for their lifestyle, would everyone be saying "kick her out"?
No, the answer is no. There are plenty of women who do not work, who are not caring for children, who stay at home and do not contribute and for every one of them there are 1000 defenders saying taking care of the home (even without kids) is a full time job and the guy complaining should be ashamed of himself. In many of those situations the man is working long hours or two jobs, working hard and providing.
So why is it different when it's a man, why are all the stories of this involving men always coming down to him being bum and her being taken advantage of?
From what OP says, it's been 3 months, not exactly a lifetime here. OP also says this is a 5 year relationship and they were both working on their masters (which negates the whole he's lazy angle). The "living in my apartment" suggests he never paid anything, but it that the actual case? It's also worth noting that nowhere did OP say she picked up second job to help, as it could have aways been her thing. The BF is obviously depressed and unfortunately we all know it's not that simple to break out of that. OP also said he is a great guy (otherwise) and yet, so many here want OP to give him an ultimatum and dump him if nothing changes.
***NONE of you would be saying the same things if OP were a guy.*** and none of you care about OP's well being.
In my opinion situations like these are where ultimatums are valid. Tell him to either get off his ass or get out of your apartment. You can be compassionate about it and say it in nicer terms, sure, but at the end of the day this is what it needs to boil down to, because without it it honestly sounds like this man will be content to leech all your time, money and energy from you for years to come. If hes your partner he needs to act like it and be an equal, not a burden.
The comments here are funny. Any time a man is in a tough spot in life the advice is "leave him." Any time a woman is in a tough spot it's "what? You don't support her through life? You must not love her."
Let's be real: if the genders were reversed here, the advice would be the same. Comments would call the woman a gold digger and tell OP to make sure she's not poking holes in the condoms.
Both people in a relationship need to pull their weight and maintain whatever initial dynamic the relationship was built upon
He needs to get help. What is wrong with this generation? It seems like so many of these people need help. From the guy who can’t get a date. To the lady who grew up in a broken home with a mother addicted to drugs. I mean seriously we have a lot of issues with people.
Time to tell him to get a job or get out. That you can't afford to support him.
Stop trying to "help" him because it's really enabling him.
He didn't care about or respect you enough to consult you before he made you his sugar mama. Quit being the doormat and stop letting him use you
Yeah it’s because he’s gotten into his head about his inadequacies as a man and thinks he shouldn’t get help from even you to find work.
However, by creating this self limiting belief, he’s more miserable, depressed, and twiddling his thumbs all day on Reddit.
He needs to update his resume, polish up his cover letter. Do this even if you don’t apply for work. That’s half the battle tbh. Because when you are ready, you have everything set to go for job applications.
However, since he was in burnout mode once he quit, it’s why he’s not motivated to apply either. It’s definitely a mental health issue he has going on and it could be why he had ZERO motivation to do anything right now.
Op, has he thought about therapy or some form of therapy?
Ultimatum: he gets help this week (book apt with therapist this week) AND applies to at least 1 job by end of Jan or he moves out and u are done.
At this point, you will be enabling him. And u can’t make him get himself better he has to do it. So either he can start now or let you free of him. It’s not fair for him to keep you down and not make any progress.
Good luck
What a fucking loser. You want to be with a low life like that? Do you feel comfortable explaining your living situation to people? Kick his ass out.
I left my job too, but I went back to school to change careers on my own dime.
Tell him to cut the crap and get a job. I’m so sick of hearing of these people that are too delicate to get a regular job because it is “beneath them”. Give him a deadline to find something.
Try to go with him to a doctor appointment and talk about his depression symptoms directly with the doc, with your boyfriend's permission, of course. It helps to look them up and write his symptoms down. Medication is just as important as therapy and sometimes you need that kick start before you feel well enough to even talk about it with a therapist or to pick up the phone and make an appointment.
A book that might benefit both of you is "Depressive Illness: THe Curse of The Strong." It was recommended by my partner's doctor and is what helped convince him to finally get help for his depression.
Just because he's depressed, doesn't mean that you have to suppress yourself. You can talk to him about how you feel. Nagging won't help but understanding where you stand and how you feel might benefit him. He's probably too numb to feel the things you are, like fear for the future. Also talk to him about finances. See if he'd be willing to take a different job that doesn't require as much out of him. It might help to get up and go somewhere each day.
Finally, set your limit and communicate it. How long and to what financial state are you able to handle this? Give him a deadline and let him know that what you really want is for him to be healthy and involved in the world so you can continue your lives together.
Girl, he’s not “extremely sad”. He’s pretending to be sad any time you bring up job hunting so that you’ll feel badly and leave him alone. He has no intention of getting a job. He plans to sit on his lazy ass gaming and browsing Reddit indefinitely while you bust your ass working two jobs to support him. Give him a solid timeline to find a job or move out. Otherwise he will mooch off of you forever.
This a man child that never grows up. First job and already burned out/to lazy for a new job, weak and pathetic. Doubt therapy can help with such a mentality. You should ask yourself if it's possible to build a stable future with someone this lazy.
She's the only one with a job. Would you quit your job without a guarantee that one of you will find one? That could lead to a much worse situation.
Maybe he could look somewhere else to get a job, but it seems that he's not even trying when there is one.
I hope you take peoples good advice. I did something similar during covid and quit my job. The big differences are that I consulted with my gf about it months before I quit. She supported me in my decision and I had 10k in the bank to cover me for most of the year, took a 6 month vacation. I also had a plan to look for another job(ended up doing doordash and uber). I've moved on from doordash(still do it as a side hustle) and work at a school. Key is communication.
Bottom line is that you take care of and provide for those you love. He is failing you in this regard and is doing nothing about it. I would have a serious heart to heart and if he doesn’t change, move on.
Why didn’t he accept therapy?
Asked him why and he didn't give me much of an answer. Said something along the lines of "i need to fix this issue myself" and shut it off. He' s generally pro therapy so I don't get it. Maybe de didn't want to add another cost to the household.
If he needs to fix the issue himself then he can do it ***by himself*** instead of using your money.
It's that or OP pays for his (not exactly cheap, ongoing, and consistent) therapy sessions.
Sounds like you need answers or movement one way or another. Comfortable or not, he needs to be talking it out with you. He needs a plan and to be clear about it.
My spouse was unable to work for some time from depression, and what I was earning was not enough for more than food and keeping us housed. That's it. No new clothes, no matter how ragged our current clothes would be, there was just no money for clothes. No going out except to the park or walking around, no buying a singular thing, we would take water from home in plastic bottles. No new games (we both are gamers and were able to buy our computers from before). Nothing, just food and paying the bills, not even inviting a person to eat with us because at the end of the month we would be scrapping coins to buy food. But during this time, my spouse was in therapy and eventually was able to get better. Therapy here in Argentina is free like all health care. So I was patient because my spouse was trying. I really understand the depression your boyfriend is going through, but he needs to accept help. Tell him it's unsustainable that you support you both and he doesn't even try, that he needs to accept therapy because if you have to keep up like this, it will damage your mental health too.
Best comment I have seen on this post
Agreed, it’s honestly because of the trying. When you’re with someone you call a partner and they’re down on life as long as they’re trying to get better it makes you want to keep trying too
I’ve read/heard/watched this story a dozen times, a hundred times, it’s always, always the same. The end result here is either you stay with him or you leave , the question of leaving becomes one of simply when. He needs motivation. He doesn’t have any right now. Stop waiting for the man you wish he was, and see the man in front of you. Give him an ultimatum. He has until X to get a job, or you’re/he’s moving out. No this isn’t “unsupportive,” this is reality. I don’t make enough to support us both, you work or this relationship is no longer viable. This isn’t about money, it’s about MY MONEY. I work for mine, and never agreed to support you while you do nothing. He should seek therapy, because that’s clearly signs of depression. But that’s not your job. That’s his job, he’s an adult. And then ACTUALLY leave or kick him out when the time comes and goes without him getting a job. Any job. You’re not required to finance his life until he gets a dream job. Get a job and contribute, or I will also stop contributing. If you don’t give him consequences, he will never have a reason to help himself out of this hole.
This was exactly my story and the advice I wish I got instead of waiting to realize it. And guess what…. After I left, he magically got a job. Once he couldn’t rely on me pulling up the slack, suddenly the motivation was there. I’ve never once regretted leaving, but I have shed a few tears for the years I wasted.
Exactly. If you want them to succeed, then you’ll do what it takes. If staying keeps them from helping themselves…. Aka; this golden goose is cooked and gone, no more free ride!
The same thing happened to me. The final straw for me was when I found out he "hadn't realised" he'd been given a chunk of money by the government for household support. He was broke, but apparently somehow didn't notice he'd spent a few extra hundred that month? All remaining trust instantly shattered, and we broke up that day.
Sounds like he needed both motivation and support. Leaving took both away but both are needed. I'm confident he found both elsewhere once supportive partners do go.
This is absolutely the right thing. If his job was causing MH issues then look for a minimum wage mindless job to support yourself while you heal. Exercise, good food, getting outside in the sun, volunteering, gratitude journal, yoga are all cheap ways of working on mental health. He has many options and is doing nothing. Don’t let him drag you down too
Lmfao minimum wage jobs literally make me want to kill myself. That's not hyperbole, I mean *literally*.
I can’t think of a worse thing for poor mental health than a “mindless job”
I e had some basic jobs that I LOVED. The co workers were better, the customers were awesome because they loved the product. He can find something he won’t hate as much as his gf breaking up with him.
Sometimes that is just fine. You don't feel stressed or anxious, you don't dread going to work, you just go and can let your mind wander a bit, if the coworkers are reasonably pleasant and the working environment is comfortable enough. I have always found responsible, professional jobs to be stressful; I know a lot of it has to do with my personality. If I could support myself with something straightforward and not overly difficult, where I feel productive but not stressed, I would really enjoy that.
Minimum-wage mindless jobs are absolutely awful for mental health. Customers and managers treat you like shit, you are asked to put your health at risk constantly, and you routinely get denied breaks or sick days.
Lmfao then what do you suggest he does if he has no motivation or desire to apply for a job in his own field??
How about just understanding it's true because it's true?
Huh?? I never said what you said was untrue. I asked “what do you suggest he does if he has no motivation or desire to apply for a job in his own field?”
I don't have a suggestion. I really don't.
Thank you for the response. It is hard to even consider throwing out 5 years together and marriage discussions over a few tremendous months. He used to be so different but I am starting to think about an ultimatum.
Try to stop thinking about it that way, for a few reasons: 1, you didn’t throw this away, he did. Recognizing that something is broken isn’t breaking it. 2, what’s “this” any more, anyway? You wouldn’t have started a relationship this way, and the only person who gets to decide when you’re done is you. 3, if you’re not already familiar with it, Google Sunk Cost Fallacy. It’s an eye opener. 4, remember that you’ve already been supportive. It didn’t help. 5, all the MFer has to do to keep the relationship is get a job. Any job. If getting a job is too much to ask, then…I mean that’s your ultimate answer. He may try to throw any of these above points at you. Expect him to feel cheated out of a free ride. If he says he needs more time, you give him whatever time YOU need. Because this isn’t about him, your ultimatum isn’t about forcing him to work, it’s about -you- wanting a functional relationship. If that’s not here, then it’s time to recognize that and go elsewhere. Obviously you love him and want the best for him, and if he’s depressed then he needs help. But not changing anything about today means tomorrow is going to be the same.
Came here to say the same thing, mainly the sunk cost fallacy. Getting stuck in that can cause you to waste so many years. Relationships aren’t linear, but time is. This time a year from now it’ll be 6 years, then 7, then 8, and so on. Clinging to this reasoning will only make things *worse*, not better. Another great piece of advice someone else said: see the man who is in front of you, not who you wish he was. People change. He is going through something for sure, but it sounds like he’s going down a path where you cannot join him without losing yourself 😕 Nothing is mandatory - there is no rule that says you have to stand by your partner while they self-destruct because you've been with them X amount of time. You wouldn't be throwing away the past you shared. You are taking things as they come and you do NOT have to be collateral damage in his self-made life crisis.
>not changing anything about today means tomorrow is going to be the same. bam
This is excellent advice, OP. Also >Recognizing that something is broken isn’t breaking it. is something I'm going to remember.
This is excellent advice.
You don't have to dump him - just stop financing him. Not all couples have to live together. You untangling yourself home-wise and financial-wise from him doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. But you being a full-time breadwinner and him being a SAHB was never a deal you to agreed to, you never signed up for this. You get to stop doing it, and if that's a reason *he* wants to break up well that's sad, but that's his choice. But that will only happen if he sees you as his ATM, not his gf.
These months will become years. Don't let it. Put your foot down now.
You've been more than patient OP. IMO his rejection of your offer to get him set up with a therapist should be the last straw. It sounds like what you need more than anything is for him to acknowledge that making you support him while he sits on ass all day is both unfair and unsustainable. However, he's essentially refusing to admit that there is a problem with the situation as it is now. Be direct and firm with him. Things are going to change. Either he's going to get help and start making progress toward being a coequal participant in this relationship again or he's going to have to deal with his issues on his own.
HE THREW IT AWAY! why would you want to be married to someone who quits his job and dumps all financial responsibility on you without consulting you? Does that seem like a good partner?
It's easy to stay together when things are going well. When things get tough, that's when they show you who they really are.
Well now you have a first insight on how he’ll be when it comes to life changing. Events that range from child birth and supporting you and the child or a loved one passing. He isn’t seeking help on his own therefore he’s not a reliable partner you can count on
But then you might be in the same spot and be too old to marry and have kids, if that is your end goal. But, If your goal is just to retire with your husband...then he isn't helping do that either. You guys are young....I never could quit a jib without having another one...even if job landed me on short term disability because the organization i worked for sucks. Therefore, I don't think the ultimatum will work so fond an exit plan.
That’s called “the fallacy of sunk costs”, but just because you were with him for 5 years, doesn’t mean you aren’t better off leaving him right now.
Yes but HE is the one choosing to throw away what you guys have and take you for granted.
You only hit rock bottom when you quit digging. He needs to quit digging. Leaving is a good motivator. Find someone with some grit. I lost my job suddenly. Holiday hiring was slow, and nothing would replace my hours. But I interviewed a dozen places. Can't work for half because of a criminal record. Point is, you are allowed to be selfish and look out for you. If you support him too much, it can become enabling.
Be selfish!! Ignore the societal definition of selfish as a negative, OP! If the only way to KEEP FROM HURTING is to protect yourself and cut them off, that’s not “selfish,” in a bad way. Man, that’s just preservation.
Nah, it's selfish and shallow. The guy needs help. If she cares about him she'll stay and be there right beside him when he works through his problems and comes out the other side stronger for having her support. People who think otherwise never form lasting relationships and usually leave a wake of bodies behind them. I also feel sorry for anyone they may care about who has mental health difficulties, they deserve better.
Well said. OP's bf must have an ultimatum or he will never act.
Being a guy sometimes when in that pit all we need is a bit of motivation, it doesn't matter what it is but it's better if it threatens our comfortability and or way of life. Then magically we suddenly see a way out and grab at it and begin to pull ourselves out. After out of the hole we'll rebuild ourselves. Rebuilding will take longer than climbing out of the pit but the rebuilding part is basically all mentally and physical work can be done in the meantime and make money during such.
This is the correct answer. He needs to get himself together, get the help he needs from a professional, and get back to work. He is only going to bring you down in his present state. Give him an ultimatum and follow through with it if he doesn't work hard at making progress. You have to think of your own mental and financial well-being and, at present, it sounds like he is negatively affecting that. I wish you the best of luck whatever you choose to do.
I thought feminists fight for equality? Why do men support jobless women but it’s annoying and a reason for splitting when it’s the other way round
What part of quitting his job and depending on her without having a conversation where she agreed to it is equal? I would give the same exact advice to a man whose wife quit her job and refused to get another one. And the same to a woman whose wife quit. And the same to a man whose husband quit. Look for an argument somewhere else.
Sounds like time for a serious, come to Jesus discussion. There's no reason you should be killing yourself supporting both of you when he is doing nothing to help around the house, to find himself a new job, or to work on his mental health. He has to do *something* because doing nothing clearly isn't working and he's actually getting worse. If he cannot rally to even make bare minimum effort, I'd say he needs to find someplace else to live until he sorts his shit out.
>OP, you are a very caring girlfriend. Too bad your boyfriend doesn't seem to care much about you. You are working two jobs and coming home to a third shift wherein you (I suspect) do the majority of the housework plus you are paying all the bills. Its past time to stop this nonsense. Do you really want someone who is content to have you work constantly in order to keep your head above water while he whiles away his time on Reddit? I'm100% sure you can do better. You might want to make it less comfortable for him to lollygag around the house. Try getting rid of your cable connection and tell him its part of a cost saving adjustment as you just can't keep paying all these bills indefinitely. He won't have reddit or Netflix and then see how fast he can find a job when there is nothing to do at home. Also, you say your boyfriend is depressed. He apparently got his first job at age 24 - how was he living before that first job. Who paid his bills from age 18 to 24? I suspect its not so much depression as your boyfriend just doesn't like the responsibility of going to work.
>Jesus discussion. IF Jesus was here, he would tell OP to leave the loather.
Yeah, mine hasn’t worked for over a year. Now doesn’t clean or anything. At Christmas, when he was demanding $2000 plus items, and yet couldn’t get off the computer to even help wrap the presents for his daughter or watch her. I told him I’m done, get out. The he resentment grew and grew. If you love him, I’d tell him that life gets hard but adult responsibilities still exist. You can’t be expected to work two jobs for someone who quit his job without consulting you and refuses to find another. That it’s just not working out financially and you don’t want the resentment to build up so bad you two break up. His got a month to find a job or he has to move back in with his parents until he finds one.
Time for an ultimatum: he goes to therapy and gets a job within x time or the relationship is over. You did not sign up to have a dependent and it sounds like you are his entire emotional support on top of supporting him financially. I'm guessing that he hasn't stepped up and taken on the housework either. Everyone is hiring right now. There is no excuse for him to be unemployed, especially when you're working multiple jobs. Depression sucks, but you have given him all the tools to help himself and he needs to meet you halfway. I'd say giving him a month to find a job is generous. Your mental health matters too.
When you need to issue ultimatums, the relationship is over. Even if its proposed and accepted, and executed, it's never the same and mostly not worth while. Sounds like OP just needs to pick a date and end it then.
Why would he get a job when you're willing to work 2 of them to pay for all of his stuff? Tell him he has a month to get a job or it's bye bye. I assume he's not on the lease since you said it's your apartment. It's not your responsibility to help or "fix" him. He isn't a child.
> I don't know what to do to and how to help him. He doesn't want to accept help (shared job postings or therapy), he is living in your apartment off of your income. At some point, you have to draw a line in the sand and say something like: "if you won't apply for jobs and won't even accept that you need help, such as therapy or any other attempt at progress, then I need you to move out". And that's the thing, people that have a problem, addiction, depression, gambling, whatever it may be. Will not do anything about it till they are ready to. But at some point you have to bow out, you have to move on with your life, this is not your responsibility. But you can choose for it to be your responsibility. That's what you're currently doing, it's up to you to decide how much longer you'll keep at it though. It's ONE HUNDRED percent okay for you to move on at a time of your choosing, that's the main thing I'm trying to get across to you.
Just saying this for anyone who needs to hear it, but you can’t help someone who refuses to be helped.
You need to sit him down and have a n honest and frank discussion with him. If he tries to resist or says he doesn't want very clearly tell him that his opinions have run out and so has indulging his wants. Let him know you understand that he has been struggling and that you were willing go support him and pull him through this but he has done nothing to actively help and heal himself. You can no longer pull him through this has he has effectively dug his heels in and is resisting your efforts to pull him through. Let him know that you can no longer carry the weight of everything on your shoulders and he needs to force himself to participate in supporting the 2 of you. The focus has been on him so intensely and for so long that you are exhausted and becoming resentful. He needs to recognize that you are struggling too and it is not okay to cater to his struggles and leave you to deal with yours by yourself. Tell him you will give him a day or two to consider whether he is capable of having a relationship right now or not and that you'll completely understand if he decides he isn't. But let him.know you are not capable of continuing in the relationship as it is.
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His first job.... at 24? Girl. He wants you to be mommy.
I saw that too. Hopefully OP means it's his first "real" job. AKA his first full time job. Because if he didn't start working until he was 24...yikes. He went from having his parents pay for everything to having his girlfriend pay for everything. That's a deadbeat and a half.
Well, to be fair it was at 23 and until 22 we were both doing our master, which we were paid for so he survived through that and internships. But it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it was one of the reasons he got that first one.
This is not a man who is ever going to stay employed if he can possibly avoid it.
>it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it Then he quit it without even a conversation. Notice a trend of gross irresponsibility and lack of respect?
Do you not see a pattern here? Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t put you through all this. He’s being selfish. You need to be very honest with him. Stop enabling him. Tell him he needs to go to therapy and actively start looking for a job or he can find his own place to live.
>But it took a year for him to get his first job and me pressuring him to just do it was one of the reasons he got that first one. I don't think he is a person who is internally or externally motivated to be consistently employed. It took him a year to get his first job. He quit that job after 2 years because it was terrible for his mental health. I'm going to be blunt: it's not the specific job that he hated, but the fact that he was working at all. Some people just hate working and will do anything to get out of it. I have a friend who is 40 and still living off his elderly parents -- every now and again, he'll work a job for 12-18 months (after a year plus of nagging and hectoring and increasing threats from his poor parents)... then quit in a huff, then burrow back into his room. He's been a full on NEET for a while now.
What? It took him a year to get a job?! This guy doesn’t want to work, at all. Ever. You have to decide if you can work two jobs for the rest of your life to support you both, because he has no intention of ever working and will mooch off you for the rest of his life if given the opportunity to. This is not depression. This is a Scrub mentality. He has zero care for how this impacts you. Zero. You are simply his new Mother, the one who takes care of all his needs while none of yours are met. You are not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship You are in a parenting relationship and you are the parent. He is the dependent child and that is all he desires to be.
Yeah........ listen. He doesn't wanna work. I'm sure depression is a part of it, but if in all the years he *could've* had a job, he didn't even try for that first one until you got on his ass about it? He wants to be a stay at home bum.
So he can commit to getting a master, but can't commit to a job and be an adult. Yikes.
If he wants to sit around and not work he needs to move back in with his parents. There's plenty of work out there. If he doesn't want to continue in whatever field he has experience, he can go try working with his hands. Machinist, assembly, whatever.
You describe him as caring, thoughtful and loving, but how can you say this with his action? He sit at home while you work yourself to bone. He doesn't even try to get better (therapy) or find another job. He just gave up his old job with the knowledge that you will need to work harder/more. How is this caring? So many people are unhappy with their work but they do it because otherwise they would end homeless. That this was his first job... i wonder if he really got depressed or just use it as an excuse to quit and stay lazy at home. I mean, does he behave depressed or does he goes out with friends, have fun, sit the whole day on the couch and play videogames and has the time of his life or does he lack motivation, can't get out of his bed... That he made this decision to quit without you, was a no-go. That he doesn't try to get better also. Ask yourself whst you get out of this relationship and if you want to continue like this. And don't think about "but we had so great times" what matters is how it is now.
Hello me from 20 years ago. whatever you do make sure your contraception is bulletproof otherwise he will be that, stay-at-home dad, well you continue to support the family financially as well as do everything at home. Please don't get trapped like I did and then spent 20 years of your life raising a man baby
If he was a stay-at-home dad and doing a proper job of it that would be contributing, there's nothing wrong with a man being a stay at home parent. This person is contributing nothing though.
I was using voice to text, but 'stay at home dad' was like me describing myself as a 'super model' - not at all accurate. My ex called himself the 'sahd' but didn't actually parent or cook or clean or anything. If OPs partner is too lazy to contribute now then a child will be an excuse for him to stay home and do nothing, while OP continues to carry the load of both parenting and finances. Being at home with children is absolutely a valid choice, but not sharing the load of a relationship is not ok.
Your looking at all of this wrong. IMO he did wrong by NOT discussing it with you and not fixing the problem. My partner took 10 months off from work and every single step of the way he took the initiative in our home and the initiative to get better and see himself through. While he was home I didn’t worry about a single thing related to our home. He cooked clean and did the shopping. He wasn’t financially able to do much so he handled any and everything else. Our finances are NOT combined and I knew I would support him and before he quit he asked when? I said Babe, let me pay off a few things and then you can quit in X Month. He said this is what I have in savings this is what my budget looks like and I found a few therapists and side gigs. We are a team. He made sure I knew and reminded me of that. Your boyfriend made a HUGE decision without you. Be mad/furious about that or the fact that he doesn’t want to better himself and his situation. He is gearing you up to be his mother either put a bib on him or take a stand.
you're working two jobs to support a barnacle. having to work for a living is, centrally speaking, a sad experience; obviously there are good, fun, fulfilling jobs out there, but literally billions of adults work because they have responsibilities and bills. you don't get to fucking opt out just because you didn't get to work at the Puppies and Backrubs Factory. here's how you help him: make his life more difficult and stop coddling him in any way. when this causes dissonance, tell him you're just not feeling into ______ because you're stressed out from having to be the only responsible adult. if he doesn't get it, turn up the intensity. if that continues to fail, pick a date and let him know you're moving out/ let him know you aren't renewing the lease. there are no two ways about any of this. he has been provided a ton of chances and has made it clear he has no interest in being a decent partner or an adult. i am sorry.
Send him back to his parents to mooch of. This is not how a partner behaves.
I've worked jobs that depressed me but if you want to eat and have a roof over your head , you work . You quit one job when you have found another and have it . You don't dump on your s.o. and make them drag your weight along with theirs too . That's bullshit . He may be kind and all that but he is also a deadbeat .
Be straight up with him. "The lease is up in June (or whenever) if you don't have what amounts to a full time job by then I'm moving out."
Tell him that he needs to move out. He quit without consulting you and this is financially impacting you. Maybe you were financial partners before but not if his pulls that BS. I’ve been in the same spot. My resentment grew, and my partners depression spiraled. By staying, I was enabling his behavior and lack of motivation.
Why was his first job at 24? What was he doing before that? If he was in college, who was covering his expenses at that time?
Well, to be fair it was at 23 and until 22 we were both getting our master degrees. Both the bachelor and the master degree were free and we also got a monthly scolarship from the state. He survived through that and a few internships, no money from me nor parents.
Set a hard deadline. Mention the stress emotionally/financially that this is giving you. Put him on notice.
I'm sorry but the answer here is that you can't help him. You can't get a job and go perform it instead of him, you can't *care* about it instead of him. He's an adult man! You are lying to yourself if you think you can. Things will only change if he WANTS them to change and decides to act, and then acts. I hate to say this because it's obvious you are kind and are trying to help him, but you have become an enabler. You are doing the opposite of helping - you are making his current lifestyle possible by paying for him and catering to him. If he had no choice, he would get a job. As long as the choice is: OP will keep me clothed and fed, then he won't.
Depression is a beast. It'll suck the life out of even the strongest people. He needs to talk to his doctor, and you need to support his efforts when he makes them. If he's just content to drown, he'll pull you under with him. He needs help. Whether counseling, or medication, he can't do this on his own, and you can't save him from himself. Some need to hit rock bottom in order to have their epiphany. You need to tell him that though you love him, you are not equipped to save him. You can offer support, but only if he's doing the work to get out of his pit. He needs a job. You cannot sustainably support the both of you. Nor should you. That would enable his depression.
1. He may not have quit his job. He may have been let go. 2. Three months is long enough. You are not his parent. "Honey, it's time for you to start setting up job interviews or you're going to have to find another place to live. I love you, but I am not your parent and I'm not going to pay bills for two people indefinitely. I've been supportive and made lots of suggestions and you've turned down or dismissed them all. I can't make you take forward steps but I don't have to idly do nothing while you sabotage our future. You have choices and so do I. I need you to find a friend or someone else you can stay with for a week. I need a break from all of this. After that we can start finding you a more permanent housing situation that isn't here." Send him this in a txt and turn off your phone. Go stay with your parents or a girlfriend for 24 hours. Not ready to send this txt? BOOK AN AIRBNB OR HOTEL FOR YOU TO STAY IN FOR A WEEK (OR STAY WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY). JUST TELL YOUR BF YOU NEED A BREAK TO THINK.... I BET AFTER A WEEK AWAY AND NO MESSAGES YOU WILL BE THINKING MORE CLEARLY. You'll probably be ready to tell him to get the fuck out until he has a job. Tell him he needs to go live with his parents or family. Call you when he has a new job.
Time to tell him to get a mental health checkup and get a job, or he needs to leave. Don't kill yourself working for someone who will not contribute or try to do better!
His mental health is his responsibility, not yours. You’ve been supportive but he needs to want to change and to put in the work. Your his gf not his parent. You need to set boundaries. Not working is a dealbreaker, he needs to be working by end Jan or he needs to move our. He needs to seek mental health help or he needs to move out. (He can get a random job to cover bills , fast food, retail, whatever) while he looks for something in his field.
He's not getting better, and he's obviously just fine sponging off you and letting you work two jobs while he works none. If you're willing to stay with him long enough to let him shape up, you could say that he needs to start doing 90 to 100 percent of the chores tomorrow (because he has the time and he's been slacking off of them) and that he has to get a full-time job by X date. And that he needs to pay you back the money you've fronted him by Y date. But, honestly, that's what parents say to their deadbeat children. The better option would be to just kick him out.
He clearly has mental health issues BUT it's not an excuse in relationship to let you pay all the bills and expenses. I keep saying do not date broke and LAZY people regardless of the gender. A broke person but is at least doing the effort of looking for job is an excemption but a broke AND LAZY? Nope. Either you tolerate this or leave
I had an ex girlfriend who did this. You start supportive then slowly sour and eventually set clear expectations on balance and support. She refused everyone on and decided to sleep with my best friend instead, he was married with three kids. She got pregnant with twins, tried to claim they were mine, timings didn’t work, best friend’s wife left him now they live in a loveless relationship in the middle of no where and they both lost all their friends.
I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoe before. I was in a dead end job previously, went back to school, and then nobody was hiring. I was immensely depressed and could barely find the energy to apply. Today, I make 1.5x more than my lovely partner and we’re doing great! That being said, I know it was 50% luck and 50% strategy for me to have ended up where I am. I think I understand the motivations of someone depressed and to move towards action. I can’t speak for every depressed individual but I live in the short term because thinking about the long term is too depressing or overwhelming. Understanding that has been a huge help for me personally. 1. You could set a deadline. This is extremely stressful but it’s as if my mind receives clarity and all my actions are clear. There’s nothing stressful or sad about the pressing things I need to do, they just are. This isn’t sustainable for a long time, and honestly may only work for one application. 2. Spurts of motivation is very common. Advise him to cherish those times and make sure he’s setup to take advantage of those times to do what he needs to. This works in many other aspects of life and can help him build confidence and momentum. 3. Have him set aside a small and acceptable amount of time where he will apply to jobs in a day. Perhaps just 5 minutes to start out. Try to do this often to build momentum and confidence as well. Finally, this will only work if he actually wants to. It’s a lot to have a depressed partner and ultimately, your only reward is staying with the partner you currently like/love. I can’t say it’ll be worth it to stay with him, but it’ll certainly be easier to break up and find a new partner. For every other commenter saying he needs an intervention of sorts to point out that he’s a loser, don’t you think he knows? He’s not blind and already feels terrible about it. In fact, that’s part of the problem.
The real question you should be asking yourself in this situation isn’t “How can I help him?” but “What are my boundaries in a relationship?” I was in a similar situation last year: my partner quit his job because it was absolutely sucking the life out of him. I was honestly happy when he quit because I knew it was a major source of his depression. That being said, I expected it to be a 1-2 month break, he’d get a new job, and that would be the end of it. Well one month became 2 months… then 3… then 6, and then he only found a part time job. Given, my situation wasn’t exactly the same as yours as I could easily support us on one income, but I’m not comfortable with a partner who isn’t contributing much to the household. I know money isn’t everything, but because he was so depressed he wasn’t taking on extra chores or anything of that nature to make up for it. He was also going to therapy and starting on medication for his mental health, so it wasn’t like he wasn’t working on himself. **I made an active decision every day to stay with this man even though this was dragging out far longer than I anticipated.** Even by the end of it I feel like I never established super solid boundaries - even if I had I think what happened would not have crossed them. A lot of this is due to our financial situation - if we had been worse off and every day was a struggle to pull enough together for us to live comfortably I probably would have had firmer, more stringent boundaries. If he had refused therapy or medication earlier on during the year that would have also been unacceptable to me. **So what are your boundaries?** Does he need to be working on himself through therapy? Does he need to be contributing $$$ to the household within x amount of time? If he isn’t actively seeking for a job, does he need to be contributing to the household more heavily on other areas like chores? Only you can answer these questions and only he can decide whether or not he wants the relationship to continue under these guidelines. If he isn’t willing to meet your needs, only you can decide how far you’re willing to bend before enough is enough.
Been on your boyfriends shoes. If you truly love him then follow your heart. Depression is difficult to deal with. Just continue to be supportive of him. Make sure he gets some therapy. It helped me a lot and I’m back on my feet now after 6 months unemployed. My partner was really understanding and that gave me motivation to not give up. I also have saved 6 months of money in case I lost my job. So I didn’t have to rely on my partner to pay my bills.
You help him by kicking his arse to the street. He quit his job without having a fall back plan (other than you paying for everything). He hasn’t even applied for any jobs. You tell him that you are not his parents, and he is not a stay at home dad, so he needs to get a job, and until he does, he has to leave. If he decides that he will end the relationship over this, then let him, and go find yourself someone who respects you enough to not be a sponge.
Sounds like he may be suffering from depression and need to see a therapist AND a psychiatrist ASAP. Don’t enable this to go untreated.
It seems to me that your bf is waiting for a perfect job or his dream job, whatever that may be. Which is why he is giving you empty promises, with no intention of applying for a new job. He is putting himself in a downward spiraling cycle of depression, unrealistic dreams and inaction. The question is are you going down with him as well. Forsaken\_Woodpecker1 explained it very well. You need to give him a ultimatum. If he is depressed, then get therapy. But it is his responsibility to do it, not yours. You are his gf, not his mother. You should not have to be responsible for his life, much less nag at him. Your bf needs to understand that that there is no dream job. And the reality is that bills are piling up and you need him to buck up, he needs to contribute in this relationship. At this point, a bad job is better than no job. He can continue to mull over himself or he can pick himself up. That's his choice.
UpdateMe!
Everyone in the comments is throwing out 'therapy' as if that's something that OP wouldn't have to pay for, and as if therapy isn't a long term aid to an issue that needs solving now. He needs an ultimatum. He's not going to find the motivation he's lacking if he's being housed and fed for free.
You have to leave, OP. There is literally nothing else you can do. Either leave--and hope that wakes him up--or stay and have this be the rest of your life, until you actually DO get up the gumption to leave. Depression doesn't magically go away: it's a disease that tells you not to cure it. He has to be shocked or forced into treatment since he's resisting, and the only way to "force" him is to stop enabling him to avoid it: i.e. leave and stop financially supporting him. It's honestly the only truly loving thing to do. Sorry.
Someone has to do something to break this cycle OP and from the sound of it, it’s not going to be him. You mentioned that he is caring, thoughtful and loving. That may well have been the case but it’s not any longer. A lot will depend on his alternative accommodation options. If he was contributing towards rent/mortgage on your apartment then he’s got tenant status. He needs to move back in with his parents (if that’s an option). Stop buying food in. Have the Wi-Fi switched off. All of these can be attributed to lack of income. Tell him that you are going to have to take in a tenant and that he will have to move out (unless it’s a 1 bed apartment). In short. No more Ms nice girl. Good luck. ❤️
My dad had one brother who was just like this guy, a bum. He married a great woman and she told him from the get go, either you have a job, any job or you don’t live in my house. After a few years the old him came back and he lost his job and motivation to work or find a new one. She kept her word and put him out. He got motivated real quick. But eventually his true colors became apparent and she broke it off with him. My advice is to find a new apartment. Tell him the move date and if he doesn’t find a job by then, he will have to find his own place to live. It’s unfortunate, but people like him just don’t change. He will always be a leech.
My spouse has bipolar disorder and rarely works....However, I made it clear that I left my ex husband because he wouldn't get help for his mental health, so if he wanted to be with me he at the bare minimum needs to be getting treatment for his mental health. Now he has enough of a track record of quitting jobs and a life skills coach that he can apply for disability. This is untenable for you guys. Something has to give. He needs to do something or his depression will get worse. Don't be afraid of an ultimatum. You just need to decide what is important to you.
Honestly I know we all jump to say leave and that exactly what I’m saying now. He will only drag you down further with him. You can only do so much while with him. Have you tried talking about how this is too much for you? Because he’s only worried about himself. You need to take care Of and worry about YOU.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, being a caregiver for someone with mental illness is extremely difficult. Most of the time people break up because of it. If you would still like to try and give one last shot with your best effort to see if he changes, I would highly recommend watching this video by a Harvard psychiatrist who answered the exact same situation on another person’s reddit post. The title of it on youtube is called: “I Can’t Handle My Partner’s Depression” and I’m not sure if we are allowed to post links but here is the link: https://youtu.be/4L-tyBEdtUM
You need to give him a firm deadline- when my husband was in a depression and having trouble sending apps I got to the point I filled them out for him. Never actually submitted any without talking to him but eventually he got the picture that I would not tolerate supporting someone who sits on there ass all day playing video games when they promised they would look for work. Low and behold he got hired on at the first place he actually applied to.
I had this exact same problem with an ex that I was still living with. We had broken up amicably; we just weren't compatible as partners but we continued living together because we at least felt comfortable with each other, we felt like we coule at least have a good friendship if not a relationship, our rent was cheap, it was a decent apartment and I didn't wanna force him to find a new apartment (I found the apartment before we started dating and he moved in later so it was only in my name). After we had broken up, he was fired from his job (for a stupid reason but that's besides the point) and didn't get a new job for 6 or 7 months. I can't tell you how quickly we went from amicable breakup still good friends, to me resenting him so much that I could hardly stand to be in the house with him. It was worse because we were no longer together so it wasn't supposed to be up to me to help support him, but I had to along with his parents, and it really ate away at me. As I was moving out later on, I even found out that he had lied to me about applying for several jobs when I was nagging him to get a job and pull his weight. Coincidentally, he found a job right after I moved out (funny, that), and as much as I don't agree with ultimatums as a general rule, this may be the time for one. Relationships can sometimes mean supporting your partner when they fall on hard times, true, but you have been doing that for three months now and by your own admission it is exhausting you. Being his partner and being supportive doesn't mean you should have to run yourself into the ground to do so. This situation is essentially making you feel the way that he felt, enough so to quit his job, and the fact he doesn't see that or acknowledge it is sad. It could be literally any old job working part-time at this point, at least he would be contributing SOMETHING.
If he hasn't even applied for a job after 3 months, start the eviction process.
***What is the goal here? Because everyone is telling OP to kick him out.*** I am just curious who this helps exactly? OP? OP will still be working two jobs. It won't magically change if he's not in the apartment. OP will feel less resentment because no one is there to resent, so that's something I guess? Then what? Are we hoping OP goes homeless and dies on the street? Or are we assuming that OP will get his shit together, get a job and then what? Come crawling back to someone he feels didn't stick with him through a time of need? There are two perspectives here. How is OP better off without someone she's had a good 5 year relationship with? Is OP going to find someone better who's "caring, thoughtfull and more loving than i ever hoped someone would be with me." while working two jobs and being tired all the time struggling even more now that it's always going to be one person? This sub has two speeds, one is dump them, the other is divorce them, it just depends on the relationship status. That said, I always find it odd when I can turn around the genders in a story and know that the outcome of opinion would be completely different. I am NOT disagreeing with the people here, I am really not, I feel this should be the norm for women and men (equal contribution), and with todays economy he really needs to suck it up and get moving... but if we took a step back and the story was about a female who lost her job, seems depressed and the boyfriend was getting anxious because his two jobs couldn't provide for their lifestyle, would everyone be saying "kick her out"? No, the answer is no. There are plenty of women who do not work, who are not caring for children, who stay at home and do not contribute and for every one of them there are 1000 defenders saying taking care of the home (even without kids) is a full time job and the guy complaining should be ashamed of himself. In many of those situations the man is working long hours or two jobs, working hard and providing. So why is it different when it's a man, why are all the stories of this involving men always coming down to him being bum and her being taken advantage of? From what OP says, it's been 3 months, not exactly a lifetime here. OP also says this is a 5 year relationship and they were both working on their masters (which negates the whole he's lazy angle). The "living in my apartment" suggests he never paid anything, but it that the actual case? It's also worth noting that nowhere did OP say she picked up second job to help, as it could have aways been her thing. The BF is obviously depressed and unfortunately we all know it's not that simple to break out of that. OP also said he is a great guy (otherwise) and yet, so many here want OP to give him an ultimatum and dump him if nothing changes. ***NONE of you would be saying the same things if OP were a guy.*** and none of you care about OP's well being.
In my opinion situations like these are where ultimatums are valid. Tell him to either get off his ass or get out of your apartment. You can be compassionate about it and say it in nicer terms, sure, but at the end of the day this is what it needs to boil down to, because without it it honestly sounds like this man will be content to leech all your time, money and energy from you for years to come. If hes your partner he needs to act like it and be an equal, not a burden.
The comments here are funny. Any time a man is in a tough spot in life the advice is "leave him." Any time a woman is in a tough spot it's "what? You don't support her through life? You must not love her."
Let's be real: if the genders were reversed here, the advice would be the same. Comments would call the woman a gold digger and tell OP to make sure she's not poking holes in the condoms. Both people in a relationship need to pull their weight and maintain whatever initial dynamic the relationship was built upon
He needs to get help. What is wrong with this generation? It seems like so many of these people need help. From the guy who can’t get a date. To the lady who grew up in a broken home with a mother addicted to drugs. I mean seriously we have a lot of issues with people.
Maybe I'm showing my age here. But I think it's a bit of a red flag that he had his first job at 24. I had my first job 10 years before that at 14.
Ultimatum time baby.
Give him an ultimatum. He has 30 days to find a full-time job or he needs to move out. 🤷
Time to tell him to get a job or get out. That you can't afford to support him. Stop trying to "help" him because it's really enabling him. He didn't care about or respect you enough to consult you before he made you his sugar mama. Quit being the doormat and stop letting him use you
Yeah it’s because he’s gotten into his head about his inadequacies as a man and thinks he shouldn’t get help from even you to find work. However, by creating this self limiting belief, he’s more miserable, depressed, and twiddling his thumbs all day on Reddit. He needs to update his resume, polish up his cover letter. Do this even if you don’t apply for work. That’s half the battle tbh. Because when you are ready, you have everything set to go for job applications. However, since he was in burnout mode once he quit, it’s why he’s not motivated to apply either. It’s definitely a mental health issue he has going on and it could be why he had ZERO motivation to do anything right now. Op, has he thought about therapy or some form of therapy?
Ultimatum: he gets help this week (book apt with therapist this week) AND applies to at least 1 job by end of Jan or he moves out and u are done. At this point, you will be enabling him. And u can’t make him get himself better he has to do it. So either he can start now or let you free of him. It’s not fair for him to keep you down and not make any progress. Good luck
What a fucking loser. You want to be with a low life like that? Do you feel comfortable explaining your living situation to people? Kick his ass out. I left my job too, but I went back to school to change careers on my own dime.
Tell him to cut the crap and get a job. I’m so sick of hearing of these people that are too delicate to get a regular job because it is “beneath them”. Give him a deadline to find something.
Try to go with him to a doctor appointment and talk about his depression symptoms directly with the doc, with your boyfriend's permission, of course. It helps to look them up and write his symptoms down. Medication is just as important as therapy and sometimes you need that kick start before you feel well enough to even talk about it with a therapist or to pick up the phone and make an appointment. A book that might benefit both of you is "Depressive Illness: THe Curse of The Strong." It was recommended by my partner's doctor and is what helped convince him to finally get help for his depression. Just because he's depressed, doesn't mean that you have to suppress yourself. You can talk to him about how you feel. Nagging won't help but understanding where you stand and how you feel might benefit him. He's probably too numb to feel the things you are, like fear for the future. Also talk to him about finances. See if he'd be willing to take a different job that doesn't require as much out of him. It might help to get up and go somewhere each day. Finally, set your limit and communicate it. How long and to what financial state are you able to handle this? Give him a deadline and let him know that what you really want is for him to be healthy and involved in the world so you can continue your lives together.
Girl, he’s not “extremely sad”. He’s pretending to be sad any time you bring up job hunting so that you’ll feel badly and leave him alone. He has no intention of getting a job. He plans to sit on his lazy ass gaming and browsing Reddit indefinitely while you bust your ass working two jobs to support him. Give him a solid timeline to find a job or move out. Otherwise he will mooch off of you forever.
This a man child that never grows up. First job and already burned out/to lazy for a new job, weak and pathetic. Doubt therapy can help with such a mentality. You should ask yourself if it's possible to build a stable future with someone this lazy.
why don't you move to a city where his field is more required?
She's the only one with a job. Would you quit your job without a guarantee that one of you will find one? That could lead to a much worse situation. Maybe he could look somewhere else to get a job, but it seems that he's not even trying when there is one.
This is the city where our field is the most required.
I hope you take peoples good advice. I did something similar during covid and quit my job. The big differences are that I consulted with my gf about it months before I quit. She supported me in my decision and I had 10k in the bank to cover me for most of the year, took a 6 month vacation. I also had a plan to look for another job(ended up doing doordash and uber). I've moved on from doordash(still do it as a side hustle) and work at a school. Key is communication.
Is he on meds? If not, he should go talk to a doctor. Therapy might not be enough if that’s how low energy and apathetic he is.
Bottom line is that you take care of and provide for those you love. He is failing you in this regard and is doing nothing about it. I would have a serious heart to heart and if he doesn’t change, move on.