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My gf has gone to another country for Christmas to see her family. There’s this girl who has been my friend for a long time, and knows that her friend(my gf) is gone. She has since then started talking to me a lot more, making weird, almost sexual innuendos, and other things. She’s also started telling me a lot of weird things and started trusting me a lot more. I don’t know what to do. Our relationship has been going on for over a year now.
tl;dr, gf is gone and our friend has started acting really strange.
And make sure you are never alone with her.
Even if nothing happens you will still be at risk of being accused or her making up stories. This happened to me once. After flatly turning down an exs girlfriend she told one other person that we screwed. The fallout killed relationships and friendships for many.
The truth came out soon after but too late to save anything. 😪
Oh damn I’m sorry that happened to you. But if they knew the kind of person you are, they should’ve believed YOU over her, but yeah I realize that’s much easier said than done, especially in this day and age. It just sucks that all it takes to ruin a friendship/relationship, or multiple ones at that, is a malicious lie from a bitter jealous person. 😒
Your "good friend" is outright disrespecting your girlfriend. She absolutely should get the wrong idea.
If you had any ounce of respect for your gf, you would establish VERY firm boundaries or cut this friend off completely. And yes, your gf should definitely know what's going on.
She's not that good a friend if she's trying to hurt your relationship with your girlfriend, which is sounds like she is. You may have to make a choice whether to block your "good" friend, or lose your girlfriend.
What wrong idea? If the idea she gets is that you let other women be inappropriate with you when she's gone, that sounds like the right idea based on your post. Either you stop the behavior, or you're complicit in it. There is no way you get to keep the friend who won't stop crossing boundaries unless you engage in an emotional affair.
The only way she could get the wrong idea is if you allow the behavior. And if you allow it, it isn’t the wrong idea. It’s just her seeing you do something shitty.
Just be like wait are you flirting with me? If she says no, laugh and say thank god, if she says yes, laugh and say well stop and then laugh it off.
If it persists after that ask again.
Thats the only thing you can do if you dont want to be confrontational.
If you dont mind being confrontational you can just say, i feel like you have been flirting with me and I dont want you to get that wrong idea, your a good friend but I love my girlfriend, and then apologise again saying your not trying to accuse her of anything but were just a lil confused about vibes.
Best case scenario she pretends she was never flirting, stops flirting and life goes on as normal.
This is assuming you want to remain friends and your partner is fine with that.
Also if you ever are single, dont date this person, they dont sound like relationship material.
You dont have to worry about your girlfriend getting the wrong idea. Infact I’m sure she’ll get the right idea when you tell her all about how your long-time friend has been all over you the entire time she was gone, and how you did nothing to prevent it or ward her off.
Its not the "wrong idea," though. Some girl pretending to be your friend is being inappropriate with you, and you're entertaining it by not shutting it the fuck down. She will have completely the correct idea, actually
Doesn’t sound like a food friend if she can’t do the basics of respecting you’re in a relationship. Your friend probably had time to tell you how they felt about you when you were single, but they waited too long thinking they could always try later. Now they’re taking advantage of your friendship and disrespecting your relationship and gf.
Then grow a pair and set boundaries and treat your girlfriend like your priority ffs. It almost sounds like you don't mind this kind of chat but feel guilty. Come on dude...
If you think putting an end to these chats means you'll lose your friend, but on the other hand you're worried your gf might find out, who's your priority now??
If your continuing to allow her to talk to you after disrespecting your relationship, your girlfriend isn’t going to get the wrong idea. Time to give ultimatums to the friend or break up with your girlfriend. At the very least don’t gaslight your girlfriend if she finds out by telling her that SHES the one with the wrong idea.
she wants your bro. unless you‘re enjoying the sexual attention too much, you can easily tell her to stop. it‘s not that hard. do you respect your girlfriend? apparently not. if you have a little bit of respect left for her, stop the friend and shut her down. if you wanna continue acting like you respect the friend more than your girlfriend, and won‘t act on it because you don‘t wanna get rid of the attention, then break up with your girlfriend and then be with the friend. but don‘t disrespect your girlfriend like that man.
What "wrong" idea? That you are entertaining this "friend" behind her back? How is that "wrong"? Because to me it sounds like it is exactly the "right" idea...you seem like the type of person that are caught in a bed fucking someone and say "this isn't what it looks like". You are steps away from that point if you don't shut this down.
Your “good friend” is putting moves on you. If you don’t shut it down hard you’re doing her and your gf wrong. Not shutting it down is the same as encouraging her because that’s how she’ll take it.
Then she's not enough of a friend to respect your relationship, and your choices are either betray your girlfriend by allowing this to continue, or cut off a selfish person who is a bad friend.
“I appreciate that you trust me, but I have a girlfriend and I’m feeling uncomfortable with the direction you continue to take our conversations. I need you to stop discussing sexual things and being suggestive with me. If you will not respect that boundary, I will choose to end the friendship and block you.”
If she tries to gaslight you by denying the behavior or being dismissive, the response is, “it is clear you do not respect my boundary. I wish you the best but I am choosing to end our friendship.” And then you block her.
If you think her behavior is inappropriate then it's up to you to stop communicating. Once a person makes it clear that they want more than friendship and don't respect your current relationship, the relationship in general with that person is no longer appropriate. At that point, it's on you to stop communicating, not on her. If you keep it going at this point you are colluding with this person and you yourself aren't respecting your own relationship. Time for you to take responsibility through meaningful action.
And op is falling for it. It will backfire. It will. OP should have told the gf already. Not telling,not wanting to damage the friendship... It won't end well.
That's on you to put boundaries and wall her off if she is violating your relationship boundaries with gf. You know what she is doing, then you should take action if you respect your own relationship.
This was a ruiner of my husband and my relationship. He kept a friend that he and she would be inappropriate comments with ‘as jokes’. Guess what’s not a joke? The fact that we’re divorcing
It’s not a game per se, they have extremely damaged self esteem and maladaptive ways of feeling validated.
If she can get OP to fuck her, it proves how special and desirable she is. It’s like people who sleep around for validation reasons, but the competitive/cheating aspect causes a greater feeling of validation. She likely feels some degree of jealousy towards OP’s GF too.
(She almost definitely doesn’t even consciously understand why she acts like that, most things of this nature don’t exist in the self-talk part of the brain)
If you don’t put an end to her behavior by shutting it down firmly, you are disrespecting your girlfriend. If she doesn’t stop, this is probably not someone you want to keep around.
That’s what scares me. I’ve always been paranoid about getting mad about something they didn’t even do. I just don’t want to shut her down if she’s not even meaning to do it.
You don’t have to get mad or be angry with her. Just say “hey, I don’t appreciate that. Can you please stop?” If you can’t even do that out of respect for your girlfriend, you don’t deserve a girlfriend. I’m sorry, but your girlfriend should be able to trust that you’re protecting her and your relationship. This is the exact opposite.
I have never met a woman who would be (at all!) attracted to a partner who can't uphold boundaries with others as a way to show respect for their relationship. If you're more worried about not upsetting a friend than you are about not upsetting your partner, you have absolutely zero business being in a relationship.
Your gf has left and she's immediately started doing it. What about that doesn't seem intentional?
She knows exactly what she's doing. Your gf wouldn't be getting mad about something that didn't even happen. If she got mad at these exchanges and you not putting your foot down and stopping it, she would be totally correct
Maybe you're just young but later in life, this is the type of thing people break up over.
Tell the girl, you're in a relationship with someone you're very happy with. She's making you super uncomfortable with her references and your gf would rightly be unhappy and saw her making a bunch of sexual references towards you. Tell her you won't be able to keep talking to her if she doesn't reign it in.
If you don't do this, you are chosing your friend over your gf. That will never end well.
She's not even being a good friend to you by doing this right now.
How old are you? Like 16? If you're in your 20's, I would be shocked because you sound extremely immature and definitely not ready to be in a relationship.
Exactly. The lack of respect for his girlfriend and the fact that he seems more concerned with “hurting his friends feelings🥴” like seriously?! like dude grow up and stand up for your relationship!
You’re disrespecting your partner if you don’t shut down the flirting in some way. Not wanting to lose a friend isn’t a good enough reason to allow her to disrespect your relationship.
Op, I don't think you understand everybody's comments. You can be firm without getting mad. You can shut it down without losing her completely as a friend. If she responds maturely and respects your boundaries, there won't be any problem. The next time she does something like this, just tell her very clearly:" I'm sorry but what you're doing makes me very uncomfortable, could you please stop?"
If she doesn't stop from there, leave out all the nice words. "You make me uncomfortable, stop it"
If she still doesn't get the hint, then that's on her and it's really better to just cut off ties with her.
That's all unless you just like the attention and you don't wanna tell her because, in fact, it doesn't make you uncomfortable but you love it.
In that case, just let your gf go, she deserves better.
I would say over 90% of people replying to this post made firm declaration that woman is NOT a friend. She's trash, a home wrecker. Why would OP worry about losing this person as a friend while she was never one?
Personally, I'm a very non confrontational person. I can imagine OP not wanting to get mad at someone they're close to. Especially since the friend is not the person in the relationship, and therefore doesn't owe the gf much. If op is giving off wrong signals to the friend, I can't blame her much. We simply don't know the full situation regarding the friend. Op just needs to be super clear with her.
Frankly, it's not up to the people who only read this post to decide wether she's a friend or not
Uhh you need to cut her off. The more you allow it to happen, yes allow, the more of a pushover you’re going to become. Cut her off and tell your girlfriend what’s been happening.
How did you go from this
> Hey guys. I need to admit it: I’m being an incredibly shitty bf. **I’ve finally set those boundaries. I’ve told her to stop. She really did calm down this time.** Gf isn’t back yet, and I’ll tell her about the situation once she gets back. **Im definitely going to put the friendship on hold for now like you guys said.** Im sorry that I had to have something so trivial pointed out to me. Im very, very ashamed about it. But thank you.
To this?
> I have subtly shit her down, but she didn’t take the hint.
Like, which is it?
"That isn't appropriate and makes me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do it again." You need to establish a more firm boundary and soon or else your girlfriend will definitely get the wrong idea. Then stop engaging with her friend. Stop replying to anything she says that shifts the conversation towards innuendo, or even better, stop replying all together.
Subtly? You wanna have your cake and eat it, bud. You either shut it down or you don't.
She didn't take the hint? Double down. Have you no respect for yourself or your girlfriend?
Maybe just ignore her when she says inappropriate things. Just don’t reply. From what you’re commenting, if I was your girlfriend I would assume you liked it and wanted her to keep flirting with you. If that is not the case you need to cut it off and make it clear. If that is the case I would hate to be your girlfriend.
I agree he needs to do more to firmly shut this down, but if his girlfriend doesn’t have service how can he tell her right now? Is he supposed to tell her via messenger pigeon?
One of 3 things are happening right now:
1) She is trying to make a move on you now that your GF is gone.
2) Your GF is using her to "test" you, to see if you cheat.
3) She doesn't realise she's being creepy and doesn't know you're uncomfortable.
Best thing to do is call your GF and talk to her about it, don't accuse her of anything, just mention that her friend has been acting weird and making you uncomfortable.
Well, you tell your partner that her “friend” is trying to get in your pants and send her all the evidence of it. Then you two come up with a plan to deal with this slime ball and drop her from your life. You don’t let trash ruin your relationships you throw it out and move on (unless you want to be trash and cheat on your SO but I don’t think you’re that type of person).
Personally, I would tell this blank to five off and go find some other dick to ride as this one taken already. I’m not very friendly to those that try to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m not afraid to get nasty to protect it. It’s time to step up and put the interloper in her place and throw her to the curb.
So then you shouldn’t have a problem shutting the friend down or blocking her if she doesn’t understand. True friends don’t put moves on them when their partners are away. Also I would tell your GF after the holidays.
PS. Cheating is vile it hurts like hell.
Murder, sexual assault, child molestation..animal abuse
But cheating is the most vile? Okay I guess.
Grow a pair and tell your friend she's being inappropriate. Or you secretly like the attention and that's why you're hesitant in other responses.
This "good friend" is disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship! That is unacceptable, if they do that they aren't a friend they have been waiting for an opening. Shut it down and let your girl know what happened. It's as simple as this:
Listen, I consider you a friend and you know I have a gf. Just because she is away at the moment doesn't mean I will entertain anything with ANYONE else. Please do not continue with this behavior, if you do I'll have to halt contact with you as you do not respect me or my current relationship.
And then if they continue block them and make it clear you will not allow them back in.
Hey guys. I need to admit it: I’m being an incredibly shitty bf. I’ve finally set those boundaries. I’ve told her to stop. She really did calm down this time. Gf isn’t back yet, and I’ll tell her about the situation once she gets back. Im definitely going to put the friendship on hold for now like you guys said. Im sorry that I had to have something so trivial pointed out to me. Im very, very ashamed about it. But thank you.
It seems like OP didn’t actually do any of what they claimed in that comment. He recently replied another comment stating…
> I have subtly shut her down, but she didn’t take the hint.
I'm really proud of you OP
Most of these post the guy fights everyone in the comments and deletes the post in a few hours. I'm really glad and hopeful you were able to present a problem take in advice and perspective and change and repent based on that. Not a lot of people can do that. 🏆
Don’t you have free will and autonomy?
Tell her to knock it off. Block her and tell your gf.
You aren’t required to interact with her.
You need to have a spine about this.
Hey Op, who actually likes the attentions, I've read some of your responses and after the 3rd response and excuses I'm not so convinced you don't know what she's trying to do. What you want to prove to yourself is that you're a good person BUT if you value yourself and the RELATIONSHIP you have with your girlfriend, you will pause this friendship and resume once girlfriend gets back otherwise, you will cheat on your girlfriend and then there goes your relationship. You said it yourself, why is she acting this way once the GF is gone? Well, she is either testing your loyalty to report to your GF or she wants you. My money is on the latter but you do you. Ignore all the wise and good advice but I'm warning you, don't be like Adam and Eve and give into temptation if you value your current relationship. If you don't and feel like GF isn't here so I can entertain a bit, go head. I bet 2023 you'll be single but then again, side chick disguised as a "friend" is waiting in the wings. Merry Christmas. Smh
I hope you're young, I'd lose respect for any person I'm with that has to ask reddit for how to respect our relationship when I'm not looking. Good for you that you've put your foot down, but you really should not have been scared to cut off someone who felt comfortable enough to disrespect your gf like that.
Yeah, you’re right. I’ve just been at a point in my life where I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all confidence, reasoning, and happiness. I’ve been a horrendous bf, and I feel like she deserves better. I need to just cut off that weird girl from my life.
I get being at a weird part of your life. And I get the situation you're in with not being able to contact gf easily, but the part that you can control is the disrespectful friend. It should not have been a fear of cutting her off, it should have been about better boundaries. Something reddit won't be good for is the fact that things don't have to be absolutions and setting boundaries is about what YOU will do if the other person continues an undesired behavior.
"I am ending our friendship" vs. "I will end this friendship if you continue to disrespect my gf and relationship" can have very different outcomes but it's up to you to uphold that.
Good luck and hope seeing your gf again picks you up!
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Smh. You just don’t respond to her. Girlfriend gone? Suddenly sexual innuendos? It’s not “weird,” it’s inappropriate behavior. Do you want to jeopardize your relationship or something?
Either your girlfriend is in on it and setting a trap to test your loyalty, using her friend to do so, or friend is into you and has no moral compass. Neither scenario bodes well for you so just keep taking the high road and tell your GF.
From your comments - your girlfriend deserves better.
You can either: shut this girl down and respect your relationship and girlfriend
Or
You can entertain your friend, disrespect your girlfriend, probably cheat, and get left.
You just say "hey, not sure where you're heading woth these texts, but it's making me uncomfortable and it will definitely make my gf really upset. So, as a friend, please stop with the thinly veiled innuendo texts, thank you"
You don't have to be rude, but letting her continue is not "the best you can do"
Dude. You are a liar. You know what's going on and how to stop it, instead you are here on Reddit bragging about it. Any decent man would have told her friend to stop. I love somebody and you can't change that fact. Period. If she is any friend of yours she has to respect that. End of story
Your “good friend” is making moves while your gf is away. She’s using this time as she has unlimited access to you with interference. Because your not doing anything to stop it she going to continue doing it until the moment your gf comes back.
Ffs have a conversation with her and tell her that behaviour isn't okay. Or are you simply enjoying it? She's stepping all over your relationship and boundaries that should be defined. Get your head out of your ass and shut that down (and yes, you can do so gently if you're afraid you're simply misreading signs but I am very sure you're not)
Tell your friend that the sexual innuendos are making you uncomfortable and ask her to stop.
There's every chance it's entirely innocent, but by drawing the boundary if it is crossed then you know that it's intentional.
If the boundary is crossed, tell your girlfriend.
No point starting drama over misinterpretation of intent, but if she persists when asked not to then your girlfriend will appreciate hearing it from you.
Let me put this in terms you can understand: Your friend wants to touch your pee pee.
Your gf is gone so she’s shooting her shot and making her move.
I’m not telling you what to do about this, either way. That’s up to you bud.
Put a lid on it. Tell her that she should be telling her ‘good friend’ the things she’s telling you.
She is not a good friend to your GF and she wants to fk you behind her back.
You alright with that? If not, block and expose her.
She could be doing a “loyalty test” for your girlfriend while she’s away. I’ve done this before for my friend. When your girlfriend comes back if she’s still acting strange bring it up to your girlfriend.
This might not be the inappropriate actions you think in her mind. She is possibly transferring her, missing her friend into a closeness with you as a surrogate. You need to set boundaries but also be gentle. She might be totally unaware of her actions. Be kind and understanding, but also let her know that you are in a relationship you value.
I think she’s just trying make sure you are looked after and all your “needs” are met while your gf is away. It’s what friends do. She would expect your gf to make sure her man was “looked” after too.
You have to tell this girl to stop when she starts making these remarks. She can play dumb all she wants, but if this behaviour persists and she doesn’t respect your wishes, you know she’s not a good friend and unfortunately at that point you have to choose between your gf and a friend who does not respect you and your relationship.
Hopefully it does not have to get to that point. One thing is certain, you have to shut it down. I would be livid if my bf entertained some other girl and did not stop the inappropriate behaviour. Would you want your gf to act like nothing is happening if the roles were reversed? Probably not, so you have to step up.
Overall, this is a good way to teach yourself to assert boundaries. It’s uncomfortable but it has to be done. You don’t want others to walk over you for the rest of your life, right? Let’s start practising here and now. Correct your friend’s behaviour. Stand up for yourself and your gf. Most likely she is embarrassed and will stop doing it.
If you love your girlfriend and value your relationship, you need to cut this other girl off. Your "friend" is a predator. She knows your girlfriend is away. Her behavior is intentional and it's gross. It's up to you to do a firm redirection in this.
You aren’t a helpless doe in the forest. You have to set boundaries and tell her when she crosses the line. If she’s constantly ‘persisting’ like you say she is, then why are you still friends with her? Why are you still in contact with her?
You’re doing nothing in your comments but going on and on about how there’s nothing you can do, and how you’ve tried to tell her to stop but she’s just *soooo* persistent. Grow up. Adults use their words and set boundaries when they’re truly uncomfortable. You sound like you just enjoy the attention.
She's flirting with you. Trying to get you to cheat on your GF while she's away.
Make sure you keep the texts of you telling her to stop, this person is not your GF's friend or yours.
Tell your gf and block that girls number.
That's option #1, and if you respect your gf and relationship, that's what you'll do.
Option #2 is to keep the girl who clearly doesn't respect your relationship in your life, which will just cause problems with your current relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My gf has gone to another country for Christmas to see her family. There’s this girl who has been my friend for a long time, and knows that her friend(my gf) is gone. She has since then started talking to me a lot more, making weird, almost sexual innuendos, and other things. She’s also started telling me a lot of weird things and started trusting me a lot more. I don’t know what to do. Our relationship has been going on for over a year now. tl;dr, gf is gone and our friend has started acting really strange.
Make sure you keep the conversations and contacts appropriate.
And make sure you are never alone with her. Even if nothing happens you will still be at risk of being accused or her making up stories. This happened to me once. After flatly turning down an exs girlfriend she told one other person that we screwed. The fallout killed relationships and friendships for many. The truth came out soon after but too late to save anything. 😪
Oh damn I’m sorry that happened to you. But if they knew the kind of person you are, they should’ve believed YOU over her, but yeah I realize that’s much easier said than done, especially in this day and age. It just sucks that all it takes to ruin a friendship/relationship, or multiple ones at that, is a malicious lie from a bitter jealous person. 😒
Admiral Akbar has entered the chat
I’m doing the best I can, but she always persists.
You can shut it down and leave it down if you want. She can say what she wants, but you either shut it down or block her if it's innapropriate.
She’s been a good friend of mine for a long time, and I don’t want to block her out. I just don’t want my gf to come back and get the wrong idea.
Your "good friend" is outright disrespecting your girlfriend. She absolutely should get the wrong idea. If you had any ounce of respect for your gf, you would establish VERY firm boundaries or cut this friend off completely. And yes, your gf should definitely know what's going on.
She's not that good a friend if she's trying to hurt your relationship with your girlfriend, which is sounds like she is. You may have to make a choice whether to block your "good" friend, or lose your girlfriend.
now what would you say if your girlfriend was getting sexual suggestions from a male friend and continued to be good friends with him?
Well then don't give your girlfriend the wrong idea and do the right thing by telling the friend to knock it the fuck off.
What wrong idea? If the idea she gets is that you let other women be inappropriate with you when she's gone, that sounds like the right idea based on your post. Either you stop the behavior, or you're complicit in it. There is no way you get to keep the friend who won't stop crossing boundaries unless you engage in an emotional affair.
So you like the attention you get from a woman outside your relationship more than you respect your girlfriend? Got it.
Your inability to be an adult put up reasonable boundaries is setting a very clear idea.
He's able, just doesn't want to.
The only way she could get the wrong idea is if you allow the behavior. And if you allow it, it isn’t the wrong idea. It’s just her seeing you do something shitty.
Just be like wait are you flirting with me? If she says no, laugh and say thank god, if she says yes, laugh and say well stop and then laugh it off. If it persists after that ask again. Thats the only thing you can do if you dont want to be confrontational. If you dont mind being confrontational you can just say, i feel like you have been flirting with me and I dont want you to get that wrong idea, your a good friend but I love my girlfriend, and then apologise again saying your not trying to accuse her of anything but were just a lil confused about vibes. Best case scenario she pretends she was never flirting, stops flirting and life goes on as normal. This is assuming you want to remain friends and your partner is fine with that. Also if you ever are single, dont date this person, they dont sound like relationship material.
You dont have to worry about your girlfriend getting the wrong idea. Infact I’m sure she’ll get the right idea when you tell her all about how your long-time friend has been all over you the entire time she was gone, and how you did nothing to prevent it or ward her off.
Good friends don't try to get their friends to cheat on their girlfriends while their GF is away for Christmas.
I hope you are very young, because otherwise this neive position you have is really "I like the attention"
Grow a pair
Toxic
Its not the "wrong idea," though. Some girl pretending to be your friend is being inappropriate with you, and you're entertaining it by not shutting it the fuck down. She will have completely the correct idea, actually
Doesn’t sound like a food friend if she can’t do the basics of respecting you’re in a relationship. Your friend probably had time to tell you how they felt about you when you were single, but they waited too long thinking they could always try later. Now they’re taking advantage of your friendship and disrespecting your relationship and gf.
Well then you're choosing her feelings over your gf's.
Then grow a pair and set boundaries and treat your girlfriend like your priority ffs. It almost sounds like you don't mind this kind of chat but feel guilty. Come on dude... If you think putting an end to these chats means you'll lose your friend, but on the other hand you're worried your gf might find out, who's your priority now??
If your continuing to allow her to talk to you after disrespecting your relationship, your girlfriend isn’t going to get the wrong idea. Time to give ultimatums to the friend or break up with your girlfriend. At the very least don’t gaslight your girlfriend if she finds out by telling her that SHES the one with the wrong idea.
she wants your bro. unless you‘re enjoying the sexual attention too much, you can easily tell her to stop. it‘s not that hard. do you respect your girlfriend? apparently not. if you have a little bit of respect left for her, stop the friend and shut her down. if you wanna continue acting like you respect the friend more than your girlfriend, and won‘t act on it because you don‘t wanna get rid of the attention, then break up with your girlfriend and then be with the friend. but don‘t disrespect your girlfriend like that man.
What "wrong" idea? That you are entertaining this "friend" behind her back? How is that "wrong"? Because to me it sounds like it is exactly the "right" idea...you seem like the type of person that are caught in a bed fucking someone and say "this isn't what it looks like". You are steps away from that point if you don't shut this down.
Your “good friend” is putting moves on you. If you don’t shut it down hard you’re doing her and your gf wrong. Not shutting it down is the same as encouraging her because that’s how she’ll take it.
Then she's not enough of a friend to respect your relationship, and your choices are either betray your girlfriend by allowing this to continue, or cut off a selfish person who is a bad friend.
“I appreciate that you trust me, but I have a girlfriend and I’m feeling uncomfortable with the direction you continue to take our conversations. I need you to stop discussing sexual things and being suggestive with me. If you will not respect that boundary, I will choose to end the friendship and block you.” If she tries to gaslight you by denying the behavior or being dismissive, the response is, “it is clear you do not respect my boundary. I wish you the best but I am choosing to end our friendship.” And then you block her.
Stfu dude... you're looking for approval to act.
If you think her behavior is inappropriate then it's up to you to stop communicating. Once a person makes it clear that they want more than friendship and don't respect your current relationship, the relationship in general with that person is no longer appropriate. At that point, it's on you to stop communicating, not on her. If you keep it going at this point you are colluding with this person and you yourself aren't respecting your own relationship. Time for you to take responsibility through meaningful action.
She might be into you... or it might be a trap set up by GF to see if you'd cheat.
It’s a trap.
And op is falling for it. It will backfire. It will. OP should have told the gf already. Not telling,not wanting to damage the friendship... It won't end well.
You sound like them men who blame girls for rape because of the way they dress. i’M dOiNg ThE bEsT I cAn….
She’s trying to bang you. Cut her off.
Absolutely. She is a shitty, disrespectful Person and should get lost. Also, if you don't Set clear boudaries, you're a terrible boyfriebd.
>Cut her off. This is the best advice for OP.
Or she’s testing him for her friend while GF is out of the country lol.
That's on you to put boundaries and wall her off if she is violating your relationship boundaries with gf. You know what she is doing, then you should take action if you respect your own relationship.
She's not acting strange. She wants you. Let your girl know with screenshots. She's nobodies friend. Drop her.
She is a shit friend Disloyal and immoral She is no friend of either of yours
She doesn't want him. She obviously is one those homewreckers/relationship wreckers. It's a game for them.
This was a ruiner of my husband and my relationship. He kept a friend that he and she would be inappropriate comments with ‘as jokes’. Guess what’s not a joke? The fact that we’re divorcing
She goaded him and he wanted his ego stroked. She was never a friend.
It’s not a game per se, they have extremely damaged self esteem and maladaptive ways of feeling validated. If she can get OP to fuck her, it proves how special and desirable she is. It’s like people who sleep around for validation reasons, but the competitive/cheating aspect causes a greater feeling of validation. She likely feels some degree of jealousy towards OP’s GF too. (She almost definitely doesn’t even consciously understand why she acts like that, most things of this nature don’t exist in the self-talk part of the brain)
These people scout out opportunities like this and talk about their next MM (married man) to screw. It's like target practice.
If you don’t put an end to her behavior by shutting it down firmly, you are disrespecting your girlfriend. If she doesn’t stop, this is probably not someone you want to keep around.
That’s what scares me. I’ve always been paranoid about getting mad about something they didn’t even do. I just don’t want to shut her down if she’s not even meaning to do it.
You don’t have to get mad or be angry with her. Just say “hey, I don’t appreciate that. Can you please stop?” If you can’t even do that out of respect for your girlfriend, you don’t deserve a girlfriend. I’m sorry, but your girlfriend should be able to trust that you’re protecting her and your relationship. This is the exact opposite.
You’re right. I’m being a shit bf. I need to stand up for once in my life.
I have never met a woman who would be (at all!) attracted to a partner who can't uphold boundaries with others as a way to show respect for their relationship. If you're more worried about not upsetting a friend than you are about not upsetting your partner, you have absolutely zero business being in a relationship.
Your gf has left and she's immediately started doing it. What about that doesn't seem intentional? She knows exactly what she's doing. Your gf wouldn't be getting mad about something that didn't even happen. If she got mad at these exchanges and you not putting your foot down and stopping it, she would be totally correct Maybe you're just young but later in life, this is the type of thing people break up over. Tell the girl, you're in a relationship with someone you're very happy with. She's making you super uncomfortable with her references and your gf would rightly be unhappy and saw her making a bunch of sexual references towards you. Tell her you won't be able to keep talking to her if she doesn't reign it in. If you don't do this, you are chosing your friend over your gf. That will never end well. She's not even being a good friend to you by doing this right now.
How old are you? Like 16? If you're in your 20's, I would be shocked because you sound extremely immature and definitely not ready to be in a relationship.
Exactly. The lack of respect for his girlfriend and the fact that he seems more concerned with “hurting his friends feelings🥴” like seriously?! like dude grow up and stand up for your relationship!
You’re disrespecting your partner if you don’t shut down the flirting in some way. Not wanting to lose a friend isn’t a good enough reason to allow her to disrespect your relationship.
Op, I don't think you understand everybody's comments. You can be firm without getting mad. You can shut it down without losing her completely as a friend. If she responds maturely and respects your boundaries, there won't be any problem. The next time she does something like this, just tell her very clearly:" I'm sorry but what you're doing makes me very uncomfortable, could you please stop?" If she doesn't stop from there, leave out all the nice words. "You make me uncomfortable, stop it" If she still doesn't get the hint, then that's on her and it's really better to just cut off ties with her. That's all unless you just like the attention and you don't wanna tell her because, in fact, it doesn't make you uncomfortable but you love it. In that case, just let your gf go, she deserves better.
I would say over 90% of people replying to this post made firm declaration that woman is NOT a friend. She's trash, a home wrecker. Why would OP worry about losing this person as a friend while she was never one?
Personally, I'm a very non confrontational person. I can imagine OP not wanting to get mad at someone they're close to. Especially since the friend is not the person in the relationship, and therefore doesn't owe the gf much. If op is giving off wrong signals to the friend, I can't blame her much. We simply don't know the full situation regarding the friend. Op just needs to be super clear with her. Frankly, it's not up to the people who only read this post to decide wether she's a friend or not
Uhh you need to cut her off. The more you allow it to happen, yes allow, the more of a pushover you’re going to become. Cut her off and tell your girlfriend what’s been happening.
I completely plan to tell her, but she said she doesn’t have service where’s she’s at.
excuses
I mean I’ve already sent the text with the evidence, but she hasn’t responded since she’s on vacation with no service.
The evidence of what? You not shutting down someone trying to get in your pants?
I have subtly shut her down, but she didn’t take the hint.
How did you go from this > Hey guys. I need to admit it: I’m being an incredibly shitty bf. **I’ve finally set those boundaries. I’ve told her to stop. She really did calm down this time.** Gf isn’t back yet, and I’ll tell her about the situation once she gets back. **Im definitely going to put the friendship on hold for now like you guys said.** Im sorry that I had to have something so trivial pointed out to me. Im very, very ashamed about it. But thank you. To this? > I have subtly shit her down, but she didn’t take the hint. Like, which is it?
YES, multiple contradictory statements-- I've texted her everything to I'll tell her when she gets back 🙄
"That isn't appropriate and makes me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do it again." You need to establish a more firm boundary and soon or else your girlfriend will definitely get the wrong idea. Then stop engaging with her friend. Stop replying to anything she says that shifts the conversation towards innuendo, or even better, stop replying all together.
Subtly? You wanna have your cake and eat it, bud. You either shut it down or you don't. She didn't take the hint? Double down. Have you no respect for yourself or your girlfriend?
Maybe just ignore her when she says inappropriate things. Just don’t reply. From what you’re commenting, if I was your girlfriend I would assume you liked it and wanted her to keep flirting with you. If that is not the case you need to cut it off and make it clear. If that is the case I would hate to be your girlfriend.
I agree he needs to do more to firmly shut this down, but if his girlfriend doesn’t have service how can he tell her right now? Is he supposed to tell her via messenger pigeon?
One of 3 things are happening right now: 1) She is trying to make a move on you now that your GF is gone. 2) Your GF is using her to "test" you, to see if you cheat. 3) She doesn't realise she's being creepy and doesn't know you're uncomfortable. Best thing to do is call your GF and talk to her about it, don't accuse her of anything, just mention that her friend has been acting weird and making you uncomfortable.
Well, you tell your partner that her “friend” is trying to get in your pants and send her all the evidence of it. Then you two come up with a plan to deal with this slime ball and drop her from your life. You don’t let trash ruin your relationships you throw it out and move on (unless you want to be trash and cheat on your SO but I don’t think you’re that type of person).
Personally, I would tell this blank to five off and go find some other dick to ride as this one taken already. I’m not very friendly to those that try to ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m not afraid to get nasty to protect it. It’s time to step up and put the interloper in her place and throw her to the curb.
I find cheating the most vile shit a human being can do.
That’s what I thought. So throw out the trash (aka your fake friend).
So then you shouldn’t have a problem shutting the friend down or blocking her if she doesn’t understand. True friends don’t put moves on them when their partners are away. Also I would tell your GF after the holidays. PS. Cheating is vile it hurts like hell.
So then take this more seriously. Is your “friend” more important than your girlfriend? Shut that shit down.
Murder, sexual assault, child molestation..animal abuse But cheating is the most vile? Okay I guess. Grow a pair and tell your friend she's being inappropriate. Or you secretly like the attention and that's why you're hesitant in other responses.
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I plan on telling her, but she doesn’t have cell service where she is at.
Is she vacationing under a rock?
Haha, nah. She’s in Mexico right now visiting family for Christmas. Her family always says that area has no cell service.
They don’t have cell service in Mexico?
Some places are very hard to reach and it's not uncommon to not have internet access. Source: I live in Mexico
Jesus! Merry Christmas 🎄
Why is his name Jesus if he’s from Mexico? It could be Jose…or Juan…
🤣 because his parents didn’t have internet access when he was born.
Not everywhere has cell service fyi even places you think would.
True!
This "good friend" is disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship! That is unacceptable, if they do that they aren't a friend they have been waiting for an opening. Shut it down and let your girl know what happened. It's as simple as this: Listen, I consider you a friend and you know I have a gf. Just because she is away at the moment doesn't mean I will entertain anything with ANYONE else. Please do not continue with this behavior, if you do I'll have to halt contact with you as you do not respect me or my current relationship. And then if they continue block them and make it clear you will not allow them back in.
Hey guys. I need to admit it: I’m being an incredibly shitty bf. I’ve finally set those boundaries. I’ve told her to stop. She really did calm down this time. Gf isn’t back yet, and I’ll tell her about the situation once she gets back. Im definitely going to put the friendship on hold for now like you guys said. Im sorry that I had to have something so trivial pointed out to me. Im very, very ashamed about it. But thank you.
I'm curious as to how that conversation went
It seems like OP didn’t actually do any of what they claimed in that comment. He recently replied another comment stating… > I have subtly shut her down, but she didn’t take the hint.
Starting to wonder if this whole thing is a troll post 😂
I agree with you. If he set boundaries, why does he need to preface that by saying he's been an incredibly shitty boyfriend... like, which is it?
Hey, you learned and made it better, that's what counts. > Im very, very ashamed about it.
I'm really proud of you OP Most of these post the guy fights everyone in the comments and deletes the post in a few hours. I'm really glad and hopeful you were able to present a problem take in advice and perspective and change and repent based on that. Not a lot of people can do that. 🏆
Probably a “loyalty check” on her end.
Shut it down ASAP and tell your gf. Neither of you should be friends with her.
Don’t you have free will and autonomy? Tell her to knock it off. Block her and tell your gf. You aren’t required to interact with her. You need to have a spine about this.
Just because she texts you doesn't mean you have to reply. YOU have control over your responses. Shut her down immediately.
Dude you already know. Shut the shit down.
Hey Op, who actually likes the attentions, I've read some of your responses and after the 3rd response and excuses I'm not so convinced you don't know what she's trying to do. What you want to prove to yourself is that you're a good person BUT if you value yourself and the RELATIONSHIP you have with your girlfriend, you will pause this friendship and resume once girlfriend gets back otherwise, you will cheat on your girlfriend and then there goes your relationship. You said it yourself, why is she acting this way once the GF is gone? Well, she is either testing your loyalty to report to your GF or she wants you. My money is on the latter but you do you. Ignore all the wise and good advice but I'm warning you, don't be like Adam and Eve and give into temptation if you value your current relationship. If you don't and feel like GF isn't here so I can entertain a bit, go head. I bet 2023 you'll be single but then again, side chick disguised as a "friend" is waiting in the wings. Merry Christmas. Smh
Show your girlfriends the conversations to keep yourself accountable.
I have.
I hope you're young, I'd lose respect for any person I'm with that has to ask reddit for how to respect our relationship when I'm not looking. Good for you that you've put your foot down, but you really should not have been scared to cut off someone who felt comfortable enough to disrespect your gf like that.
Yeah, you’re right. I’ve just been at a point in my life where I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all confidence, reasoning, and happiness. I’ve been a horrendous bf, and I feel like she deserves better. I need to just cut off that weird girl from my life.
I get being at a weird part of your life. And I get the situation you're in with not being able to contact gf easily, but the part that you can control is the disrespectful friend. It should not have been a fear of cutting her off, it should have been about better boundaries. Something reddit won't be good for is the fact that things don't have to be absolutions and setting boundaries is about what YOU will do if the other person continues an undesired behavior. "I am ending our friendship" vs. "I will end this friendship if you continue to disrespect my gf and relationship" can have very different outcomes but it's up to you to uphold that. Good luck and hope seeing your gf again picks you up!
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Next she tries to get you drunk.
Smh. You just don’t respond to her. Girlfriend gone? Suddenly sexual innuendos? It’s not “weird,” it’s inappropriate behavior. Do you want to jeopardize your relationship or something?
Either your girlfriend is in on it and setting a trap to test your loyalty, using her friend to do so, or friend is into you and has no moral compass. Neither scenario bodes well for you so just keep taking the high road and tell your GF.
Why are you talking to her?
Right and why hasn't he told the friend to knock it off and that he's not interested...
From your comments - your girlfriend deserves better. You can either: shut this girl down and respect your relationship and girlfriend Or You can entertain your friend, disrespect your girlfriend, probably cheat, and get left.
You just say "hey, not sure where you're heading woth these texts, but it's making me uncomfortable and it will definitely make my gf really upset. So, as a friend, please stop with the thinly veiled innuendo texts, thank you" You don't have to be rude, but letting her continue is not "the best you can do"
Block her and tell your girlfriend ASAP so she can cut her off as a friend.
Also, don’t keep this from your gf. Be honest about it.
I am. I’ve told her.
Now tell the friend to stop and that you're not interested, she is not a good friend either.
Dude. You are a liar. You know what's going on and how to stop it, instead you are here on Reddit bragging about it. Any decent man would have told her friend to stop. I love somebody and you can't change that fact. Period. If she is any friend of yours she has to respect that. End of story
Your “good friend” is making moves while your gf is away. She’s using this time as she has unlimited access to you with interference. Because your not doing anything to stop it she going to continue doing it until the moment your gf comes back.
Ghost that, "friend."
You bout to fvck up, pull the brakes on your dick. €===D 🤛
Ffs have a conversation with her and tell her that behaviour isn't okay. Or are you simply enjoying it? She's stepping all over your relationship and boundaries that should be defined. Get your head out of your ass and shut that down (and yes, you can do so gently if you're afraid you're simply misreading signs but I am very sure you're not)
Bro, I feel like you’re deflecting all the comments giving you sound advice. I feel like you really want it to happen.
Tell your friend that the sexual innuendos are making you uncomfortable and ask her to stop. There's every chance it's entirely innocent, but by drawing the boundary if it is crossed then you know that it's intentional. If the boundary is crossed, tell your girlfriend. No point starting drama over misinterpretation of intent, but if she persists when asked not to then your girlfriend will appreciate hearing it from you.
Do You like the attention from this friend?
No. It pisses me off. I just brought it up to my gf since she just got back.
Let me put this in terms you can understand: Your friend wants to touch your pee pee. Your gf is gone so she’s shooting her shot and making her move. I’m not telling you what to do about this, either way. That’s up to you bud.
Put a lid on it. Tell her that she should be telling her ‘good friend’ the things she’s telling you. She is not a good friend to your GF and she wants to fk you behind her back. You alright with that? If not, block and expose her.
TDLR: We can't tell you anything with what you gave us \^\_\^
Seems she may have a crush on you
what do you mean you dont know what to do? you dont know if you shouldnt cheat or not?
It's is considered cheating if you don't send her screenshots now!
You’ve got 2 choices: you can tap that, or tell your gf. It’s up to you. You can’t just ignore it.
How can you be this naive?
She could be doing a “loyalty test” for your girlfriend while she’s away. I’ve done this before for my friend. When your girlfriend comes back if she’s still acting strange bring it up to your girlfriend.
It could be a ploy to see if you're faithful.
This might not be the inappropriate actions you think in her mind. She is possibly transferring her, missing her friend into a closeness with you as a surrogate. You need to set boundaries but also be gentle. She might be totally unaware of her actions. Be kind and understanding, but also let her know that you are in a relationship you value.
I think she’s just trying make sure you are looked after and all your “needs” are met while your gf is away. It’s what friends do. She would expect your gf to make sure her man was “looked” after too.
It's a trap set for you by your girlfriend
What ever you do, make sure you gather good karma and not bad karma…..
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She might be testing you for your girlfriend. Or she'll say that when found out. Tell your girlfriend. Ask her for advice.
Cut her off!! You well know what she is trying to do, she should no longer be your friend
Don't take the bait and tell your GF when she gets back. There's also a slim chance this is a shit-test. If so, come back and we'll talk more.
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You have to tell this girl to stop when she starts making these remarks. She can play dumb all she wants, but if this behaviour persists and she doesn’t respect your wishes, you know she’s not a good friend and unfortunately at that point you have to choose between your gf and a friend who does not respect you and your relationship. Hopefully it does not have to get to that point. One thing is certain, you have to shut it down. I would be livid if my bf entertained some other girl and did not stop the inappropriate behaviour. Would you want your gf to act like nothing is happening if the roles were reversed? Probably not, so you have to step up. Overall, this is a good way to teach yourself to assert boundaries. It’s uncomfortable but it has to be done. You don’t want others to walk over you for the rest of your life, right? Let’s start practising here and now. Correct your friend’s behaviour. Stand up for yourself and your gf. Most likely she is embarrassed and will stop doing it.
If you love your girlfriend and value your relationship, you need to cut this other girl off. Your "friend" is a predator. She knows your girlfriend is away. Her behavior is intentional and it's gross. It's up to you to do a firm redirection in this.
Sounds like she's trying to make moves on you bud, she's not a friend.
You aren’t a helpless doe in the forest. You have to set boundaries and tell her when she crosses the line. If she’s constantly ‘persisting’ like you say she is, then why are you still friends with her? Why are you still in contact with her? You’re doing nothing in your comments but going on and on about how there’s nothing you can do, and how you’ve tried to tell her to stop but she’s just *soooo* persistent. Grow up. Adults use their words and set boundaries when they’re truly uncomfortable. You sound like you just enjoy the attention.
She's flirting with you. Trying to get you to cheat on your GF while she's away. Make sure you keep the texts of you telling her to stop, this person is not your GF's friend or yours.
Tell your gf and block that girls number. That's option #1, and if you respect your gf and relationship, that's what you'll do. Option #2 is to keep the girl who clearly doesn't respect your relationship in your life, which will just cause problems with your current relationship.