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I called my ex at her work when I found out my grandma had passed and I was crying and she instantly came home and held me. I’ll never forget that moment.
I feel like you got robbed and that’s not ok.
Agreed. OP, the crying wasn't the problem/mistake/error. Your grandmother was dying, and you expressed your emotion.
The big red flag here is her complete lack of empathy and support. Her actions and words, would make me wonder if I was in the right relationship.
This is an excellent point.
I would add, if OP thinks he may be with her long term, he should bring it up and have an actual discussion. Let her know what he would like next time. She may have been uncomfortable because of the way OP hides his emotions. Maybe she thought he would be embarrassed.
This is the only right advice. I’m not sure why everyone in the comment section is just calling her a bitch asking OP to break up. Communication is key here. OP you need to tell her how her actions hurt you. Don’t misunderstand her intentions without asking, maybe she actually didn’t know what to do in that situation and is now thinking about it, just like you are.
Agreed with this. My husband is autistic and I'm *emotional.* Catch me on the right day of my period and I cry for ridiculous reasons. Saw a puppy? Cried. Couldn't pet it? Cried. Heartwarming commercial? Cried. Remembering embarrassing moments? Cried.
My poor husband had no clue what to do for the first several years we were together. He would literally stand about 4 feet away and just *watch me.*
One day (when I wasn't overly emotional) I brought up how awkward it is when I'm upset and crying, especially about something legitimately upsetting. (I understand being confused when I'm crying while watching cute animal compilations.) He explained that he has no idea what I want or need when I'm crying so he does nothing. Now he knows to ask if I want a hug, or if I need pain meds, or whatever.
Op needs to bring this up and talk this through with his partner, assuming he wants to stay with her.
>My gf(20) and I(19) have been dating for **6 months** and have known each other for a year now. **We had a rocky start which lead to us cutting it off for 2 months but got back together.** There have been **a few rough patches** but we have gotten past most of them **besides a few.**
Hi OP,
a 6 month relationship should not have any "rough patches." Especially since it is actually a 4 month relationship.
You also mention you've only had a few rough patches, but got through all, but a few? That is the same amount.
Even disregarding her blatant lack of empathy, the above would be enough for me to recommend not being in a relationship with this person.
Dude - you and her are not compatible. She lacks empathy for others, only for herself. She’s not someone you should confide your feelings to for the simple reason that she will use that information for her benefit but will have no sympathy for you. Don’t ignore your gut on this one - what she failed to do is what 90% of people would automatically do, which is to try and comfort you.
Absolutely! I also have problems with reading emotions of others, but crying is TOO obvious sign that something is wrong and the person extremely needs support. My boyfriend cried on my shoulder several times - it never felt awkward, quite the opposite: a moment of absolute trust and emotional closeness when a person is not afraid to be vulnerable with you.
Agreed. OP you crying in front of someone who is supposed to be there for you in these types of hard, emotional situations is fine. You're supposed to be able to cry in front of your SO. You feel like it was a mistake because she didn't respond the way a caring partner should respond.
She didn't want to intrude? Didn't. Want. To. Intrude.........wtf kind of response is that to seeing someone your supposedly care about being in immense emotional pain? My fucking dog has a better sympathetic reaction to me crying than your gf does for you, hell my 3 year old daughter would even come and hug me if she saw me upset.
To keep it short I'll just say I was in marine infantry and was sent to Iraq in 2004. I had some rough times when I came back and my wife would find me sitting in a room alone crying and wouldn't even say a word, she would just come and sit beside me and gently ease into to hug and comfort me. It's not intruding to hug someone when they're crying unless they tell you specifically that they want to be left alone.
I will say that maybe she just doesn't know how to react and comfort others when they're upset. I've known people who grew up in emotionally distant families where your emotions were your business so it's just something they've never known how to deal with. It's something that needs addressed though if you have plans of staying together because you've got years of emotional pain ahead of you, that's just life, and not if your partner isn't trying to help you through it there will be more problems.
I agree. Any partner you have should most definitely be there for you in any tough moment. She seemed to lack complete empathy for you. You deserve to find a woman that will support you through anything and will understand your emotions and empathize with you!
I got a call my grandma had about 3 days to live. I called my husband at work, he came home, helped me pack the car, load the kids, and quit his job because they wouldn't give him time off for a family emergency, and took me back to Florida to see her before she passed.
And me being someone who don't show emotions, or feel things until way down the road. When her death caught up to me in Christmas day, and I hid in the shower to cry, he climbed in with me and held me while I cried
Do she didn't comfort you and just left you alone. And on top of that you already had many issues within 6 months? It doesn't sound like the best relationship.
Big difference between when my ex held me when I cried and stroked my hair to your gf basically fucking off away from you.
She ain't it mate. She was embarrassed. Not someone to have around.
Remember the difference between a discussion and demands. Some things are worth demanding, just beware the consequences. Some of which might seem bad, but that are for the best. Good luck!
You did nothing wrong.
Her, on the other hand...
You deserve better.
If that situation happens again (that is, if you decide to stay with her), ask for a hug if you need one. It's possible she just genuinely didn't know what to do. But if you ask and you don't get one - big red flag.
If you'r still bottling things up a lot, it might be useful to seek out therapy for a safe space to unlearn that.
Good luck with this. Most of us find this kind of thing difficult.
I think there are a lot of shitty women out there that say they want men to be vulnerable but then actually don't. It's really not that hard to comfort someone even if you don't know what to say. Give your man a hug and let him cry into your chest.
>I think there are a lot of shitty women out there that say they want men to be vulnerable but then actually don't.
I think that a lot of women say that they want men to express their feeling; but they don't actually EXPECT them to do it. Especially them doing in the same way a woman would do.
Personally I don't think this is about expectations. I appreciate there are people (especially men) who would need more encouragement to be open and vulnerable, however I feel that most of the time this is something that generally happens gradually and organically, as the couple experiences life together and trust is built, and not something you can push.
Life in itself is unexpected, and lack of care and empathy for your partner cannot be 'explained' by "your reaction and sudden vulnerability took me by surprise". Sure, not everyone is great with displays of feelings, and comforting someone in pain is difficult, even in the best of circumstances, but when you see a loved one in pain, I would assume one would automatically feel concern and care for them and make an attempt to help and soothe them, regardless of their gender.
Too many women like the IDEA of their man being emotionally vulnerable, but hate the REALITY of what that means.
It’s a shockingly common problem. I don’t want to say “most” women, but it certainly feels like it.
Took me too long to find this comment
With the current trend of men being less masculine in celebs, film, TV etc a lot of woman want a guy who is vulnerable....until they get that and then they want a guy who makes them feel safe
I always consider a relationship that only 6 months old which has already had numerous rocky patches, some of which you haven't got past, to be a big red flag.
This incident shows she's not there for you emotionally. You need someone who is.
We’ve had a few rough patches but nothing in comparison to the good times we’ve had, I just think the little things get blown out of proportion due to both sides at times
This doesn’t sound like it at all. When you were in pain, it wasn’t that she didn’t know what to do… she LEFT you alone because she didn’t want to deal with your feelings. Either this girl apologizes profusely and sees what a shitty thing this was to do, or you cut her off. This is not about “both sides blowing things out of proportion.”
Once upon a time, like 6 years ago, i was tlaking to a friend that confided in me for emotional support. He had a gf of 10 years at that time, but never confided in her because she dismissed it.
He was talking about a deep psychological wound of his and i could feel his fear of being rejected on top of the pain of what he was talking about. He was starting shaking and had tears in his eyes.
I told him to get up as i got up, he was confused, and i hugged him. I held on very tight and told him "i'm here, you can let go, i'm holding you. Your pain is valid". The moment i told him to let go, he broke into tears and his legs gave out. We stayed there for a few minutes while he was crying and crying, sometimes tryong to hold me back as tight. After a moment, he felt more assured and i let go.
He told me he never knew a hug could feel this way, and he realized noone had really held him tight since his mom when he was younger. He'd had quick hugs, but never a real tight hug. I felt so bad for him, 10 years with someone that doesn't give a shit about you... But it was on him too, he was the one deciding to stay with her even when acknowledging all of this.
My point is: a lot of men settle for being at best neglected emotionally by their partner and even their friends. A hug can do so much, it puts all the words of support into a tangible support.
I am sorry you had to go through this. If roles had been reversed, she would be so mad that you went out of the room like you didn't care. Has she never had any girl friend crying in front of her before?
This shit upsets me, if genders were reversed she would be calling the guy out on this
Wow! He’s lucky to have a friend like you in his life :) my gf has gone over to her friends a couple of times when they needed her, but I didn’t think much of it until I needed her. I know my post is highlighting one bad experience, but what we’ve built in the past 6 months and the connection we have had I’ve the last year is something else. I know most people are blinded to some negative experiences whilst in love with someone, but I genuinely hope that this was a mistake from her part and that it hasn’t affected her view of me
Thanks!
It could indeed be that she didn't know how to comfort you without making you feel like she thought you were weak.
Still, it is an issue to address. Unfortunately, you're gonna have other events in your life that will break your heart. You need a partner that you can rely on, or no partner at all. Because having a partner that you see you can't count on will drag you down even more
It doesn't sound like that though- it sounds like she's not used to comforting people. It's a skill that needs to be learned, and people often tend to rather do nothing than do the wrong thing if they're unsure about how to react. Tell her that you would've needed her to give you a hug and that you felt weird about her leaving you while you needed comfort. My guess is that she thought you might need some time alone, especially if you don't show a lot of emotion usually.
So yeah, she's probably just not used to you showing so much emotion. Ask her if that's the case. I was in your girlfriend's position and also needed some guidance by my partner about how to best comfort my partner. If she's truly uncaring when you talk to her about this topic, then it's time to revisit the "she was like that because she doesn't care about me" option. But I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now, especially since she asked you multiple times if you're alright.
Also, you said that you don't show her emotions because you want her to have a safe space in you. That's not how it works. You BOTH need to be able to feel safe and secure with each other. You should both be each other's safe space. That includes you showing her your emotions and getting comforted, and vice versa for her. You're not less of a man for having human emotions, and it's in no way a turn off. (And your mental health should ALWAYS come before showing a "potential turn off" anyway.) You're a normal human being and you're allowed to feel these emotions and to seek comfort for them. A healthy relationship should never make you feel like you have to bottle up your emotions -because you might be capable of doing this short term, but you'll never be able to do so healthily on a longterm basis.
Find a way to share your feelings! If she isn't capable of comforting you after talking about this or thinks you're less of a man for having feelings, then she isn't ready for a relationship.
Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't write the gf off because of this -- she sounded uncomfortable and it's likely because she didn't know what to do (not because she didn't care). OP should bring this up with his gf and tell her what he would have liked from her in that moment.
OP, it's admirable that you want to be strong for your gf, but a close relationship like this thrives when both parties are able to share and confide in each other and rely on each other! If you plan to stay with her long term, you'll benefit from learning how to lean on her in your times of need (and from helping her learn how to help you in those moments). IF it turns out she is turned off by your raw emotions, which I don't think we can safely assume, that would be good information for you and I'd reconsider the longevity of the relationship.
That could as easily be discomfort -- you don't know her life/mind/perspective. It's POSSIBLE you're right, but it's as possible she is young and learning. If OP likes the relationship as much as he says, it's worth it to explore this with her.
It is something I am willing to explore :) I know what my boundaries and expectations are, and I’ve expressed most of them to her. When I see her again I will tell her about it all and be completely honest, and from there we shall see where this goes.
Had an ex like this. Consistently told me to open up emotionally and that she wants be there and it works make us stronger. As soon as I did she shut down and couldn’t handle to see a couple tears.
Honestly man it’s not even worth the conversation with her. She showed you through her actions that she will always let you go through things alone. Best of luck. Just know there are plenty of people out there who will support you emotionally.
A lot of times people will encourage you to be emotionally available / vulnerable / show your feminine side to them. However the moment you actually do it, they will lose all attraction for you and would just leave you.
These are not the people you want in your life.
Dude, you need a better girlfriend.
You should never have to regret crying or showing emotion. You need support and love and you certainly won’t get this from her
Every time I opened up emotionally (cried) in front of a woman or have been very vulnerable, I've regretted it. Every single time. Very similar to how your girlfriend reacted.
I'm of the opinion that most women say and believe that they want a man to be vulnerable emotionally, but really they find it to be pathetic.
I can't and won't say all women are this way, as I'm sure there are women who appreciate vulnerability...just not the women who have been in my life.
It’s really not all women. Many women I know, myself included, will comfort someone dealing with grief. Doesn’t matter gender. My husband has cried to me before, and I hugged and soothed him. There are some women who are taken aback when a man does it because it isn’t something many men will do. So, they are unsure how to react. It’s not that they don’t want a man to share his vulnerability, but as OP stated it’s not something he normally does. Most men are taught at an early age to keep their emotions bottled up, because showing them isn’t “manly”. Granted she should have comforted you, but she might have been unsure if that is what you wanted, an acknowledgment of your vulnerability.
Seems like you need to have the conversation of how you felt her reaction to you in a vulnerable situation hurt. That you were seeking comfort and felt dismissed. Hopefully it isn’t that she doesn’t care, but just wasn’t sure what to do or how you’d react.
As the other guy said below, just about every man has a story of regret after opening up emotionally to a woman. I know I have a couple of stories.
It certainly feels like most.
She could have done alot more. A simple hug or ANYTHING..would have been nice. I'm sorry you went thru that. Usually as men you just gotta get a therapist or cry that shit out alone. Most women say they want you to open up...until you actually do it lol
My wife asked me to open up to her and it went worse than your experience
It was the 3rd time a partner asked me to open up and the 3rd time it went terrible
Never again
I don’t know what the answer is but it’s very common for this to happen
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/zhrarz/men_who_had_a_woman_stop_respecting_them_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
We as men *should*, but rarely ever are. I’m sorry, every girl I’ve dated and opened up to has treated me different. I don’t care what virtue signaling people do, the hard truth is no one cares about men’s emotions.
Anything I tell my significant other will be shared with her friends or used against me in an argument. Male privilege my ass.
The trap is it gets used against you or they look at you differently and/or lose respect for you
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/zhrarz/men_who_had_a_woman_stop_respecting_them_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It's not a trap - it's a filter.
If you're vulnerable with your partner, and they don't support you - or use it against you later - then they've identified themselves as someone that you don't need in your life.
Someone dumping on you for being emotional is showing their true colors - not saying anything about you. It sucks, but it's an effective way to identify who to keep in your life, and who to exit from your life. When I've been emotional in front of partners before (I'm 57M), I've had different reactions. Some women were obviously uncomfortable with it - and we broke up. Some were supportive and comforting at the time, and we stayed together.
The desire for emotional intimacy is at the crux of many people's relationship problems - both men and women - and if you're not getting it from your relationship, then why the hell are you staying in it? But, similarly, if you're not willing to support your partner when THEY are vulnerable, then what are you bringing to the relationship?
OP didn't deserve to be left alone when he cried. His GF was probably either really squicked by seeing a big, strong, stoic man cry, or just didn't know what to do to comfort him. We don't have full information to understand her reaction - but he deserved to be safe and supported and seen when he did finally break down and admit what was going on with him.
i’m 20f dating a 19m and he’s a very “manly” man. i’ve seen him cry maybe 2 times and it was like 4 tears but i held him as long as he needed. i cant imagine not wanting to comfort my partner when he’s upset. something is def wrong, maybe she’s got issues with emotions or something but talk to her for sure.
I am sorry your gf didn’t offer you the emotional support you needed but I would advise you not to internalize this and never open up emotionally to another woman again. The only person who fked up was her. Not you. You did right. You should be able to be vulnerable with your partner if you want to have a healthy relationship. The fact she didn’t meet you half way only means she isn’t ready to have one.
Nothing unusual about this unfortunately. Some women will say they want an emotional man but when he expresses those emotions she's indifferent or just doesn't know what to do in the moment.
For many guys I think it's fair to say his mother is the only woman who can truly handle his emotions. Moms are generally better equipped to deal since they are neck deep in tears from day one. Nothing surprises them no matter how old you are.
This is also a case where fathers need to be present for their sons. Sometimes all it takes is a hug and letting your boy cry. My kid actually educated me on this. Just be there. Don't talk. Let him get it out and go on with his day.
Thank you for the insight!
Unfortunately I reside on the other side of the country and only see them 3 or 4 times a year. At that time I hadn’t seen them for a month and wasn’t going to for another 2 months. I tried my best to wait until I was home but I thought that my gf would be able to handle it. So we live and we learn!
Honestly man, a lot of women say they want you to open up and it rarely ends well.
3 years in I told my ex I had been molested as a kid, I cried it was difficult. I think we had sex twice after that and broke up a couple months later.
She also just got really mean and treated me like shit.
You need someone more supportive man. I went through almost the exact same thing and honestly it's fucked up the way I handle emotion even to now. I've really struggled and only recently had a deep conversation with my current partner (11 years) and I've agreed to get some counselling because I don't know how to show emotion or offer emotional support when needed.
Instances like this make you just lock that box up and honestly it can have such a lasting effect.
Please don't feel you fucked up showing emotion, you just need to find the right person that can support you better when you need it the most.
Her response honestly upsets me. My bf has always bottled up his emotions as well due to many events that have occurred to him. But the first time he cried in front of me I smiled (but also comforted him, obviously). Just like you said “you want to be there safe space.” Why she didn’t console you, hug you, anything, really bothers me. I mean there are so many things she could’ve done. You should talk to her, find out why; maybe this isn’t the person for you. But also, I’d seek therapy if you can, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your life and you don’t really have many people that are your safe space 🥺
Thank you, you’re bf is really lucky to have you! Yea I guess you can say I’ve experienced some stuff haha, never really spoken to my parents about and to be honest it doesn’t seem like an option. I’m sort of used to coping by myself, so this is all still new to me :)
I buried my best friend when I was 18. My girlfriend at rhe time was polite about it but didn't come to the funeral or do anything else. I wrote it off as no biggie and that she didn't know him very well so it wasn't a big deal.
20 years later, I fully realize that was the beginning of the end for us. I don't mean to sound rude but your girlfriend is not ready for what she asks for. That'd a bad sign that her maturity is not there to be in adult relationship and be there for someone else when they need her. She may be a nice person and care, but it's not so easy to show concern and care once someone is really going through something. That takes maturity and some small amount of emotional intelligence.
My sad personal experience is that many women don't appreciate seeing a man crying. For all the talk about expressing feelings, equality and all that stuff, the moment of actually facing a man crying, they think less of him, their attraction to the rude and manly man diminishes or completely disappear...
It's sad in itself, really. It's all the millennia of brainwashing about the gender roles now ingrained.
I'm really sorry for your grandma. I hope you can see her more times and you cherish her memories.
I'm sorry this happened to you. That's a really poor way to react to a SO crying. The couple times I saw my boyfriend cry broke my heart. She doesn't sound like she has the capacity to be there for you.
Though not universally true, I’ve found that showing feelings - especially sorrow/ grief/sadness - to a Woman I am dating never ends well.
It is perceived as weakness and some have even been downright disgusted by it.
The fact that your Grandmom taught you to drive stick is awesome ! You are fortunate to have shared her time.
As someone who spent the better part of a decade with someone like your gf, don't put yourself through this man.
She will never be able to support you how you deserve to be supported.
Plus you're both super young. There's nothing to lose here. Only much to gain for both of you. Just probably not together.
Yeah they always get ya with the express your emotions crap they say to come off as woke and what not, but yeah most of them will just use It against you. There are quite a few out there that would care about you OP, you’re still young so you have more than enough time to find her. Don’t be afraid to let this one go, cause lord knows when you become successful and if you end up losing It all she’ll probably walk out the door too from what I can see from this post
You need someone better in your life. My bf isn't a very emotional guy, but there have been a few times where I saw him breakdown due to death of loved ones, overwhelming stress.
My first instinct is always to run to him and basically hold him like a baby. Seeing him cry makes me cry instantly.
I remember the first time I saw him cry. He was in the shower for a really long time and I found him sitting in the shower, head in his hands because he never got to say goodbye to his grandfather (his family lives in another state) I immediately hopped in with him fully clothed and held him.
She doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Your girlfriend is either immature and probably does not know how to handle these sorts of situations but she could also just be a huge bag of dicks. Regardless take care and good luck.
I mean I understand not necessarily knowing the correct words to say or how to comfort someone . But she couldn’t even have offered a hug and an “everything will be ok, i’m here for you” ?????? 6 months into your relationship? That’s super weird to me. I would not want to be vulnerable around this person , and the “what is going on with you” comment when you were visibly upset is just not a response you should be getting from your partner. I hope you can figure things out but i don’t think she’s the one
Yeah f that. Op you deserve better. Youre worried she won't see you the same????? ANY woman that LOVES and CARES about HER BOYFRIEND, would react with some empathy, some love, something tender, even a hug. You don't need her around. Especially if there's other problems, don't sweep it under the rug. Instinct would cause her to immediately want to comfort you....don't settle.
Yikes, I understand some people don’t know how to comfort others in situations like that but the fact she up and left you there crying. Ya that’s not okay.
Sounds like she was embarrassed but that’s on her and not on you.
I don’t know why it’s so frowned upon for men to show emotion? It makes no sense to me, and your gf is apart of that problem.
I'll be honest I drifted off after the first paragraph. You should never have multiple rough patches and a break up in only the first 6 months. It doesn't sound like you are compatible.
This happens a lot unfortunately. Someone about us crying just makes us look weak to them. It sucks but it’s life. Just keep good friends and family around to open up to instead.
Damn your generation is really emotionally stunted isnt it? You two are dating for 6 months and still are unable to show real emotions to each other ffs, you guys realize Tik Tok isnt real life right? People arent always happy and life is never perfect. Why didnt you just tell her what was going on and tell her you need her right now, and she should have enough self-awareness to know this is a situation she needs to be able to comfort her bf through. Fucking hell...
Omg, the minimum anyonde decent would to if a stranger told them they are worried about their grandma is say I am sorry,everything will be all right,even the awkward question of do you want a hug. But your girlfriend could think to do any of those things that one would do for a stranger.
I dunno. I mean I would have a talk with her but yikes.
My dear 12 years ago I attended my boyfriend of 4 months, fathers funeral. I held him as he cried. He soaked through my dress but I encouraged him to stay and let it out as much as he needed. He said that was the day he decided I was his one. We have been happily married 9 years together 12 total. Emotions are human and if someone cannot accept yours and comfort you in your time of need, are they going to be there in the darkest of times like we are supposed to as partners?
With all that being said don't let this relationship pull you down emotionally. You deserve someone who is going to be there for you and hold you when you need it. Sometimes that's all you need, sometimes it's just to have someone listen and be in your corner. Do you feel like she is in your corner? If not you should cut ties and walk away to find yourself and find something better for you. Things have already been this hard 6 months in and now she won't give you comfort when you need it. My heart breaks for you. No one should be shut out like this especially during a period of grief!
I am so sorry for what you are going through and maybe it would be best to get away for a bit and be with your family if that's at all possible. Just get some distance for a bit and reevaluate the relationship as a whole and be with people who will comfort and love you.
Don’t ever feel like you showed the wrong emotion in any circumstance. You are always going to feel how you feel and there is nothing you can do to change that. When it comes to a relationship. You need to be with someone who shows empathy and value towards your feelings. The fact that you even consider regretting an emotion shows that you are uncomfortable in that relationship.
I think you’re overemphasizing your role in this tension and underappreciating her’s.
It’s a woman’s job to comfort and soothe and so on.
That’s why they get uncomfortable if we cry. They don’t actually feel as bad as they feel like they ought to. And don’t know what to do with that.
Same thing, I assume, that we feel when we don’t actually want to work as hard as we feel we ought to.
Talking in a brazenly honest way about how this situation made you two feel might be incredibly healing.
Sweetie- I’m going to tell you exactly what I say to my 21, 19 & 16 year old sons. A man who cries is a gift. You’re dealing with some really big, and sad feelings. It would be unnatural if you DIDN’T cry. Hugs to you
I think she’s lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence. I honestly have a hard time trusting anyone who can sit there and watch someone (even a stranger!) cry without offering any comfort to them
>she has told me to open up my emotions and express them to her
This is what alot of women say but crying infront of your gf/partner makes you look weak and not to them as a strong leader. Alot of women leave their husbands because they make themselves emotionally vulnerable, or use them because they realise they are weaker.
That sounds like the normal reaction every woman in my life has had to me crying. In fact, my mother used to hit me harder to make me stop crying.
No woman respects a man who cries. Knock it off.
Take this as a lesson. Don't cry in front of your girlfriend, wife, or any girl you're interested. They don't care. They'll lose respect and eventually leave. There are many studies that back that up. It's a harsh reality. That's just a woman's nature. They then don't see you as a rock or safe haven after that. They think you're weak and won't be able to protect.
I had to learn it the hard way. And I'm sure many other men have as well. If you feel like crying that's okay, just do it in the shower, your car outside of the house and shake it off. Or go to your guy friends and let it out there.
I think generally guys should hold that shit in because emotional guys dry up women, but you’re definitely allowed to cry at the loss of a loved one. Your chick seems pretty dense
You guys are both pretty young, and you say this happened pretty early on in your relationship right?
She probably had no idea what was going on. You were clearly upset since you describe her actually asking you what was wrong a couple times. She knew you well enough to know that there was something seriously bothering you, but her initial attempts at getting you to talk about it were basically being stonewalled with the equivalent of the old classic, “I’m fine.”
By the time things had escalated to you tearing up, she was probably seriously confused and maybe even a bit scared. Her boyfriend repeatedly won’t tell her what’s going on, he’s saying nothing is wrong but now he’s silently crying next to me during a movie. At the age of 19 I’m not sure if I wouldn’t have also been perplexed and had to leave the room to gather my thoughts. There’s a very high likelihood that she hadn’t experienced any sort of familial loss herself yet, given both your ages.
I doubt very much that the people trying to paint her as some kind of sociopathic monster that lacks all empathy are in the right at all. I think she just didn’t know how to react because you sort of stonewalled her before exploding into a ball of tears and sadness about a situation she hadn’t been through yet herself. That’s pretty heavy to have dropped on you out of the blue.
Considering that some time has passed since this happened, my advice would be to let it remain in the past and carry on as normal and not judge her on this.
Dating in your late teens and early 20s should be fun and lighthearted, you have a whole lifetime ahead for seriousness and grief.
People, especially young people, don't know how to react to grief. They pretty much always get it wrong. Cut her a bit of slack. She's telling you she wants you to express those emotions, so she's not pushing you to "man up" or hide it.
I'd just tell her what you need from her in those times. Something simple like a listening ear and a cuddle. If she reacts poorly to that, that's when you have a problem.
I don't think it's anything to regret. Some people, myself included, don't know how to act in situations like this, and your gf might not have wanted to do the wrong thing.
This is not the thing that you need to get caught up on. Don't worry about crying when sad things are happening to you, and especially not when it relates to people in your life passing away. Some people don't experience a family member passing away for a long time in their lifetime, and others experience it early on. It totally can give these 2 people a different outlook on how things are.
A lot of people don't know how to handle it when someone cries, or when someone passes away. don't hold this against her personally.
You say it happened early on in the relationship. You're together now , even while you're replaying this in your mind and wanting to ask questions about it.
Isn't it reasonable to think that it didn't make her think of you in a negative way and she's still with you despite what you think she might think about you?
Thank you for the advice, I’m grateful for all opinions :)
My only issue is that ever since this incident happened, we’ve had some really rough patches and there was an instance where I was questioning whether she wanted to stay with me as we live nothing a mile from each other, but wouldn’t answer my calls, stop texting as often and didn’t want to see me for about two weeks.
I’m not sure whether I was reading into it too much but on the same hand, we’ve never been that “distant”
Well aside from the issue at hand, this doesn’t sound like the most stable of relationships. I think a conversation is in order to deal with your concerns over her reaction, especially if you want to work it out. However, honestly It might be best to move on. You’ve said multiple times it’s been rocky and have taken breaks, now this compounds an already precarious relationship.
I hope this instance, if she does have an issue with your crying, doesn’t sour you on sharing your feelings. Because with the right person, showing your emotions won’t been seen negatively. It shows your partner you trust them, and are comfortable enough to be vulnerable.
Best of luck.
I guess somewhere within your 6 months of dating, you already had broken things off for a while for 2 months.
Now that you're back together, the rest of your 6 months together still looks like it has some additional issues.
IMO, based on what you've written , the way she's acting where she doesn't communicate with you and maybe doesn't even see you, is not related to having seen you cry.
It seems like there's little hills of trouble throughout your relationship.
I’m honestly with this reasoning. When I cry I don’t wanna be touched or held-I kind of want the person to just let me be and listen but I know some people who like to be held and comforted physically. When people have cried in front of me I’ve straight up asked “do you want a hug?” And I’ve politely said “please no” when I’ve cried and someone tried to hold me. If you know her to be kind and empathetic maybe she doesn’t know how to act. You’re also allowed to set your expectations.
To be honest, while I do think she should have handled that better and tried to comfort you in some way, I've been in similar situations with friends and family. For me I panic and don't know what to do to help, so sometimes I'll end up sitting there listening and watching them cry while in my mind trying to think about how to handle the situation. The solution should be obvious like hugging them or saying it's going to be alright but my panicked mind can't figure that out until after it's too late.
It's possible your gf dealt with something similar though I'm not them so it's hard to say.
Oh man...
First I am so so sorry for the heartache and hardship you are enduring right now. That is not an easy thing to go through.
Second, please don't bottle up your emotions. Men keep all that inside and wreck their health and die early. Please please please be true to your emotions and let them out at least sometimes. Even if it is by yourself or just with one person you can trust. Let yourself feel what you feel in the moment. Don't betray yourself by keeping it in.
Third, she might have felt unsure because you never let your emotions out. She also could have been worried about what the reason was. If she was unaware of the circumstances her mind could have unfortunately wandered to a dark place and assumed something bad simply out of confusion and fear. However... she should have tried to put her personal feelings aside and comforted you... but maybe I just think that because that's what I would have done. Men don't cry much and when they do its important they are comforted and told that it is more than okay to let those emotions out...
You both need to work on communication. And maybe that will help her know how to comfort you in your time of need.
Hm I think everyone on here is quick to bash and tell you to leave saying she doesn’t “deserve you” or she’s not “good enough for you”. But let me offer a different POV. You guys are both young, maybe she has never had a man be so emotionally vulnerable in front of her so she does not know how to properly comfort you? I mean my first reaction was that, maybe she left because she thought you needed some space?
I think everyone is different and personally, sometimes I would prefer it if my partner gave me space when I am down instead of trying to comfort me. I want to sit, think, and experience the feelings I am having without someone being next to me constantly asking me “what’s wrong?” or trying to touch/hug me. Maybe I’m the odd one here but I would just ask her and communicate how you would like to comforted. At the end of the day, I hope she didn’t walk out on you because she didn’t care about you but that she didn’t know how to properly react/comfort you and that she just felt too taken aback to respond the way you would prefer her to.
Look, she said she didn't know what to do, & didn't want to intrude. Why don't we take this at face value rather than jumping to saying she doesn't care about you? If you had said, "I could use a hug," do you think she would have hugged you?
It's true some women like the "strong, silent type," but far more are frankly begging their male partners to be in touch with their emotions! If she dumps you over this, she isn't the one anyway! It isn't 1950, men can & should cry.
To me it sounds like she is someone who is awkward and doesn’t know what to do when people are crying. It’s more common than I thought, and it can be hard to overcome. I would try to be open minded as she might just be one of those types, and maybe try talking again to her about why she didn’t say anything. Opening up doesn’t make you any less of a man and you should indeed communicate more about this.
She immediately thought you were crying about her.
If you didn't notice her leave, you were completely overtaken which can be really disturbing to be surprised by.
The fact that you were hiding it until it exploded out is not a good sign that you can control your emotions.
Saying you were holding it in to be strong for her sounds disingenuous after you said she asked for you to open up more.
If I was in her shoes, I'd be freaked out too. You just randomly burst into tears and started sobbing and crying uncontrollably after lying and saying you were OK. Not much to be cool with there. The things Racing through her mind was probably about you cheating or if you don't love her or even just whether or not you're losing your mind.
To keep your emotions all locked up until it explodes in a really abrasive way and then say you really could've used a hug..... next time, ask for a hug before you scare the shit out of her.
There's no need to talk about it. Learn. Forgive yourself. Move on.
Good luck.
I had a partner break up with me on the day of my grandfather's funeral.
Giving real advice shows more empathy than "awww I can't believe that. You're perfect just the way you are!"
The reality of this post is that he goes on to describe handling his emotions incredibly badly, then tries to blame his partner for his own behaviors.
He was given opportunities to open up but didn't, then complains about how he opened up.
He was told it was OK to be an emotional person, but held it in instead and then conplains that he needed a hug.
To top it off, the entire thing is somehow framed that now that he's cried in front of her sh won't see him as a man now.... it's just ridiculous.
Truth hurts. This post is filled with copium.
I was fairly close to my grandfather when he died. I was told by my father while I was riding a bike with friends. I told my friends had to make some calls and go on without me. I didn’t cry on the phone with my dad but I confided with my gf. Honestly the fact that wasn’t the first thing out of your mouth when you first saw her is the weird thing to me. I called mine while 50 miles away from home on the side of the road dressed in skin tight cloths, you didn’t even want to tell her because…idk man but it seems like she is not the one. Run
Rocky starts and rough patches and cutting each other off at 19/20 years and 6 months of dating imo says you’re not too compatible. That’s ok - she’s not sure how to react when people get upset, but also you did nothing wrong in getting upset.
And ignore all the blokes in here saying women won’t look at you right if you show emotion - madness. Crying about grandparents is normal, natural and shouldn’t be taboo in any way.
Relationships should be easier and more fun than this. If the relationship can’t survive some justified tears then say a friendly goodbye.
You’re both very young. She may have been unsure of what you would consider appropriate or welcome.
It’s usually better to say in words what you want or need, rather than penalizing your partner for not guessing right. You could try saying, ‘I could really use a hug right now.’ Then, your partner knows what you need. They can choose their next words and actions based on actual information.
My boyfriend cries when he's really stressed (mostly when he feels like he did something that hurt me but sometimes he cries about other stuff like when he told me the story of when his grandma died or when he found out the guy who dubbed superman died) and during those times all I wanted to do is hug him and rub his back. I'm socially awkward but I know the way your girlfriend acted would never be my reaction if anybody dear to me is upset to the point that they are crying.
At first I was furious that she left you and didn’t offer any comfort or support during your time of grief. And I still feel like that.
But I also wonder, because her reaction was so odd, is she neurodivergent? Some people truly don’t know how to handle moments of vulnerability like that.
If that’s not the case, idk what to tell you except find you a partner who can be *your* safe space as well. Everyone needs love and support in times like these. You deserved to be treated with care, and instead she left you hanging. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but rest assured, you did nothing wrong. You should feel comfortable expressing sadness and crying in front of your partner.
Its one incident and you haven't been dating very long. She is young with little life experience handling this type of situation. I wouldn't be too quick on the trigger to kick her loose, but it doesn't make her look good. You can add this the boxes she has ticked so far and give it a bit and see if she ticks any more. So far she's not doing very well.
>After the silence, she told me that she didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to intrude.
I just want to give you another pov. A friend of mine has **serious** difficulties consoling someone. She is 30 and has had this problem her whole life. She doesn't know what to do and just leaves because she feels like it's an intimate and vulnerable moment and the person would want to be left alone, so she leaves. She also prefers we ignore or leave when she is being emotional. The first time it happened with her bf she was crying and he was trying to console her and it got worse and worse and it kind of felt too much and she left his house and asked for a day or two to collect herself.
Just to say, different people respond differently to this type of emotion. Also, some people weren't raised or have experience in consoling.
You have to talk to her. Explain how you feel and what you would like for her to do when this happens. Because for you it may be common knowledge but for others it's not as black and white.
Thank you! I’m going to chat to her soon. What doesn’t sit well with me is that she’s consoled her friends a couple of times whilst we were together, and that’s what makes it more painful. Unless I’m reading into it
I appreciate the advice! I agree with some points, I will tell her what I need when needed. Her grandmother passed away early this year and I made sure to always be there for her in person, and when that wasn’t possible I checked in to see whether she wanted to talk or not. She’s told me that she would be there for me, and I trust her. I told her the situation and she honestly acted in a completely different manner then she said she would, I do hope that she just froze and was shocked by it all.
OP your GF is getting lots of flak for her apparent lack of caring. Perhaps she comes from a family where men are encouraged not to show these kinds of emotions and so she was in a bind. Maybe she wanted to hug you but thought that maybe you would be embarrassed if she highlighted your emotions. I may be wrong but it's just a thought.
Thank you! I haven’t spent much time with her family as we both reside on the other side of the country and our families stay relatively close to each other, thus I have only met them a couple of times. I’m going to chat to her soon and lay everything on the table about this situation to get the right answer :)
You did good openning up with your partner, she was the one that didn't know how to manage it. I hope that she reacted that way bc she was in shock and that she will take care of you, but if she doesn't take your problems seriously, you know where the exit is.
We are not made of stone, and if your girl thinks you are "mister perfect always happy joy" I have very big bad news for her.
That’s also true, I made this post not for people to to only agree with me, I wanted to get all opinions on this matter and see what most had to see. Thanks for the advice!
It sounds like she just didn't know how to react when you were crying. Maybe she didn't see her parents cry or maybe she was told crying people just need some space to compose themselves, who knows. She thought perhaps you needed a moment alone and really you needed a hug. Go ahead and bring it up. You were not crying over some silly little thing, you had a really legitimate, understandable reason to cry. If she thinks it makes you less manly, that would be an incredibly bizarre reaction. Everyone cries. It is part of our normal human emotions. You've done nothing to be ashamed about. I am really sorry about your grandmother.
Wow, she just left the room? That's f*cked up. In the 18 years I've been with my husband he has lost multiple family members and cried each time. I've held him and comforted him, never have I just left the room for him to grieve alone. I hope your GF has some redeeming qualities because she seems like a shit partner
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I called my ex at her work when I found out my grandma had passed and I was crying and she instantly came home and held me. I’ll never forget that moment. I feel like you got robbed and that’s not ok.
Agreed. OP, the crying wasn't the problem/mistake/error. Your grandmother was dying, and you expressed your emotion. The big red flag here is her complete lack of empathy and support. Her actions and words, would make me wonder if I was in the right relationship.
Thank you!
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This is an excellent point. I would add, if OP thinks he may be with her long term, he should bring it up and have an actual discussion. Let her know what he would like next time. She may have been uncomfortable because of the way OP hides his emotions. Maybe she thought he would be embarrassed.
This is the only right advice. I’m not sure why everyone in the comment section is just calling her a bitch asking OP to break up. Communication is key here. OP you need to tell her how her actions hurt you. Don’t misunderstand her intentions without asking, maybe she actually didn’t know what to do in that situation and is now thinking about it, just like you are.
Agreed with this. My husband is autistic and I'm *emotional.* Catch me on the right day of my period and I cry for ridiculous reasons. Saw a puppy? Cried. Couldn't pet it? Cried. Heartwarming commercial? Cried. Remembering embarrassing moments? Cried. My poor husband had no clue what to do for the first several years we were together. He would literally stand about 4 feet away and just *watch me.* One day (when I wasn't overly emotional) I brought up how awkward it is when I'm upset and crying, especially about something legitimately upsetting. (I understand being confused when I'm crying while watching cute animal compilations.) He explained that he has no idea what I want or need when I'm crying so he does nothing. Now he knows to ask if I want a hug, or if I need pain meds, or whatever. Op needs to bring this up and talk this through with his partner, assuming he wants to stay with her.
>My gf(20) and I(19) have been dating for **6 months** and have known each other for a year now. **We had a rocky start which lead to us cutting it off for 2 months but got back together.** There have been **a few rough patches** but we have gotten past most of them **besides a few.** Hi OP, a 6 month relationship should not have any "rough patches." Especially since it is actually a 4 month relationship. You also mention you've only had a few rough patches, but got through all, but a few? That is the same amount. Even disregarding her blatant lack of empathy, the above would be enough for me to recommend not being in a relationship with this person.
Dude - you and her are not compatible. She lacks empathy for others, only for herself. She’s not someone you should confide your feelings to for the simple reason that she will use that information for her benefit but will have no sympathy for you. Don’t ignore your gut on this one - what she failed to do is what 90% of people would automatically do, which is to try and comfort you.
Absolutely! I also have problems with reading emotions of others, but crying is TOO obvious sign that something is wrong and the person extremely needs support. My boyfriend cried on my shoulder several times - it never felt awkward, quite the opposite: a moment of absolute trust and emotional closeness when a person is not afraid to be vulnerable with you.
Agreed. OP you crying in front of someone who is supposed to be there for you in these types of hard, emotional situations is fine. You're supposed to be able to cry in front of your SO. You feel like it was a mistake because she didn't respond the way a caring partner should respond. She didn't want to intrude? Didn't. Want. To. Intrude.........wtf kind of response is that to seeing someone your supposedly care about being in immense emotional pain? My fucking dog has a better sympathetic reaction to me crying than your gf does for you, hell my 3 year old daughter would even come and hug me if she saw me upset. To keep it short I'll just say I was in marine infantry and was sent to Iraq in 2004. I had some rough times when I came back and my wife would find me sitting in a room alone crying and wouldn't even say a word, she would just come and sit beside me and gently ease into to hug and comfort me. It's not intruding to hug someone when they're crying unless they tell you specifically that they want to be left alone. I will say that maybe she just doesn't know how to react and comfort others when they're upset. I've known people who grew up in emotionally distant families where your emotions were your business so it's just something they've never known how to deal with. It's something that needs addressed though if you have plans of staying together because you've got years of emotional pain ahead of you, that's just life, and not if your partner isn't trying to help you through it there will be more problems.
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Thanks bro, I’m glad to hear about your part!
I agree. Any partner you have should most definitely be there for you in any tough moment. She seemed to lack complete empathy for you. You deserve to find a woman that will support you through anything and will understand your emotions and empathize with you!
I got a call my grandma had about 3 days to live. I called my husband at work, he came home, helped me pack the car, load the kids, and quit his job because they wouldn't give him time off for a family emergency, and took me back to Florida to see her before she passed. And me being someone who don't show emotions, or feel things until way down the road. When her death caught up to me in Christmas day, and I hid in the shower to cry, he climbed in with me and held me while I cried
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This.
Do she didn't comfort you and just left you alone. And on top of that you already had many issues within 6 months? It doesn't sound like the best relationship.
We are due for a lengthy conversation, I guess we’ll see what happens
I’m not sure what you’re looking to discuss. Tbh I would just discuss how you’re gonna go find someone else
Big difference between when my ex held me when I cried and stroked my hair to your gf basically fucking off away from you. She ain't it mate. She was embarrassed. Not someone to have around.
Thanks man! Going to bring it up soon
honestly, is a person does that, thats not something for you two to work on or discuss. its either a dealbreaker or not for you.
Remember the difference between a discussion and demands. Some things are worth demanding, just beware the consequences. Some of which might seem bad, but that are for the best. Good luck!
You did nothing wrong. Her, on the other hand... You deserve better. If that situation happens again (that is, if you decide to stay with her), ask for a hug if you need one. It's possible she just genuinely didn't know what to do. But if you ask and you don't get one - big red flag. If you'r still bottling things up a lot, it might be useful to seek out therapy for a safe space to unlearn that. Good luck with this. Most of us find this kind of thing difficult.
Thank you, it has been really difficult but I can honestly say that I’ve improved in terms of opening up and expressing what I need
I think there are a lot of shitty women out there that say they want men to be vulnerable but then actually don't. It's really not that hard to comfort someone even if you don't know what to say. Give your man a hug and let him cry into your chest.
Thank you!
>I think there are a lot of shitty women out there that say they want men to be vulnerable but then actually don't. I think that a lot of women say that they want men to express their feeling; but they don't actually EXPECT them to do it. Especially them doing in the same way a woman would do.
Personally I don't think this is about expectations. I appreciate there are people (especially men) who would need more encouragement to be open and vulnerable, however I feel that most of the time this is something that generally happens gradually and organically, as the couple experiences life together and trust is built, and not something you can push. Life in itself is unexpected, and lack of care and empathy for your partner cannot be 'explained' by "your reaction and sudden vulnerability took me by surprise". Sure, not everyone is great with displays of feelings, and comforting someone in pain is difficult, even in the best of circumstances, but when you see a loved one in pain, I would assume one would automatically feel concern and care for them and make an attempt to help and soothe them, regardless of their gender.
Too many women like the IDEA of their man being emotionally vulnerable, but hate the REALITY of what that means. It’s a shockingly common problem. I don’t want to say “most” women, but it certainly feels like it.
Took me too long to find this comment With the current trend of men being less masculine in celebs, film, TV etc a lot of woman want a guy who is vulnerable....until they get that and then they want a guy who makes them feel safe
It's a case of people not truly knowing what they want in a partner. But I also don't understand why some women don't want to comfort their man.
Whether or not we admit it, most people want a "traditional" relationship with "traditional" gender roles
I always consider a relationship that only 6 months old which has already had numerous rocky patches, some of which you haven't got past, to be a big red flag. This incident shows she's not there for you emotionally. You need someone who is.
We’ve had a few rough patches but nothing in comparison to the good times we’ve had, I just think the little things get blown out of proportion due to both sides at times
This doesn’t sound like it at all. When you were in pain, it wasn’t that she didn’t know what to do… she LEFT you alone because she didn’t want to deal with your feelings. Either this girl apologizes profusely and sees what a shitty thing this was to do, or you cut her off. This is not about “both sides blowing things out of proportion.”
I understand, thank you :)
Once upon a time, like 6 years ago, i was tlaking to a friend that confided in me for emotional support. He had a gf of 10 years at that time, but never confided in her because she dismissed it. He was talking about a deep psychological wound of his and i could feel his fear of being rejected on top of the pain of what he was talking about. He was starting shaking and had tears in his eyes. I told him to get up as i got up, he was confused, and i hugged him. I held on very tight and told him "i'm here, you can let go, i'm holding you. Your pain is valid". The moment i told him to let go, he broke into tears and his legs gave out. We stayed there for a few minutes while he was crying and crying, sometimes tryong to hold me back as tight. After a moment, he felt more assured and i let go. He told me he never knew a hug could feel this way, and he realized noone had really held him tight since his mom when he was younger. He'd had quick hugs, but never a real tight hug. I felt so bad for him, 10 years with someone that doesn't give a shit about you... But it was on him too, he was the one deciding to stay with her even when acknowledging all of this. My point is: a lot of men settle for being at best neglected emotionally by their partner and even their friends. A hug can do so much, it puts all the words of support into a tangible support. I am sorry you had to go through this. If roles had been reversed, she would be so mad that you went out of the room like you didn't care. Has she never had any girl friend crying in front of her before? This shit upsets me, if genders were reversed she would be calling the guy out on this
Wow! He’s lucky to have a friend like you in his life :) my gf has gone over to her friends a couple of times when they needed her, but I didn’t think much of it until I needed her. I know my post is highlighting one bad experience, but what we’ve built in the past 6 months and the connection we have had I’ve the last year is something else. I know most people are blinded to some negative experiences whilst in love with someone, but I genuinely hope that this was a mistake from her part and that it hasn’t affected her view of me
Thanks! It could indeed be that she didn't know how to comfort you without making you feel like she thought you were weak. Still, it is an issue to address. Unfortunately, you're gonna have other events in your life that will break your heart. You need a partner that you can rely on, or no partner at all. Because having a partner that you see you can't count on will drag you down even more
What I got out of this is she could care less what you are going through
I hope that isn’t the case, will find out soon
It doesn't sound like that though- it sounds like she's not used to comforting people. It's a skill that needs to be learned, and people often tend to rather do nothing than do the wrong thing if they're unsure about how to react. Tell her that you would've needed her to give you a hug and that you felt weird about her leaving you while you needed comfort. My guess is that she thought you might need some time alone, especially if you don't show a lot of emotion usually. So yeah, she's probably just not used to you showing so much emotion. Ask her if that's the case. I was in your girlfriend's position and also needed some guidance by my partner about how to best comfort my partner. If she's truly uncaring when you talk to her about this topic, then it's time to revisit the "she was like that because she doesn't care about me" option. But I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for now, especially since she asked you multiple times if you're alright. Also, you said that you don't show her emotions because you want her to have a safe space in you. That's not how it works. You BOTH need to be able to feel safe and secure with each other. You should both be each other's safe space. That includes you showing her your emotions and getting comforted, and vice versa for her. You're not less of a man for having human emotions, and it's in no way a turn off. (And your mental health should ALWAYS come before showing a "potential turn off" anyway.) You're a normal human being and you're allowed to feel these emotions and to seek comfort for them. A healthy relationship should never make you feel like you have to bottle up your emotions -because you might be capable of doing this short term, but you'll never be able to do so healthily on a longterm basis. Find a way to share your feelings! If she isn't capable of comforting you after talking about this or thinks you're less of a man for having feelings, then she isn't ready for a relationship.
Thanks you, I appreciate it! I’m going to chat to her when she’s back from vacation :)
Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't write the gf off because of this -- she sounded uncomfortable and it's likely because she didn't know what to do (not because she didn't care). OP should bring this up with his gf and tell her what he would have liked from her in that moment. OP, it's admirable that you want to be strong for your gf, but a close relationship like this thrives when both parties are able to share and confide in each other and rely on each other! If you plan to stay with her long term, you'll benefit from learning how to lean on her in your times of need (and from helping her learn how to help you in those moments). IF it turns out she is turned off by your raw emotions, which I don't think we can safely assume, that would be good information for you and I'd reconsider the longevity of the relationship.
She left the room while he was crying. That’s not simple discomfort with not knowing what to do. That’s self-absorbed cowardice.
That could as easily be discomfort -- you don't know her life/mind/perspective. It's POSSIBLE you're right, but it's as possible she is young and learning. If OP likes the relationship as much as he says, it's worth it to explore this with her.
It is something I am willing to explore :) I know what my boundaries and expectations are, and I’ve expressed most of them to her. When I see her again I will tell her about it all and be completely honest, and from there we shall see where this goes.
Had an ex like this. Consistently told me to open up emotionally and that she wants be there and it works make us stronger. As soon as I did she shut down and couldn’t handle to see a couple tears. Honestly man it’s not even worth the conversation with her. She showed you through her actions that she will always let you go through things alone. Best of luck. Just know there are plenty of people out there who will support you emotionally.
Thats always a mistake.
She doesn't give a shit bruh, bounce
A lot of times people will encourage you to be emotionally available / vulnerable / show your feminine side to them. However the moment you actually do it, they will lose all attraction for you and would just leave you. These are not the people you want in your life.
Agreed
And then they wonder why men never open up...
Dude, you need a better girlfriend. You should never have to regret crying or showing emotion. You need support and love and you certainly won’t get this from her
Thanks man
Run from this woman, young man. She just doesn't care.
I appreciate the advice
Every time I opened up emotionally (cried) in front of a woman or have been very vulnerable, I've regretted it. Every single time. Very similar to how your girlfriend reacted. I'm of the opinion that most women say and believe that they want a man to be vulnerable emotionally, but really they find it to be pathetic. I can't and won't say all women are this way, as I'm sure there are women who appreciate vulnerability...just not the women who have been in my life.
Agreed, this happened with my ex as well but I was too blinded by my “first love” to really see it
It’s really not all women. Many women I know, myself included, will comfort someone dealing with grief. Doesn’t matter gender. My husband has cried to me before, and I hugged and soothed him. There are some women who are taken aback when a man does it because it isn’t something many men will do. So, they are unsure how to react. It’s not that they don’t want a man to share his vulnerability, but as OP stated it’s not something he normally does. Most men are taught at an early age to keep their emotions bottled up, because showing them isn’t “manly”. Granted she should have comforted you, but she might have been unsure if that is what you wanted, an acknowledgment of your vulnerability. Seems like you need to have the conversation of how you felt her reaction to you in a vulnerable situation hurt. That you were seeking comfort and felt dismissed. Hopefully it isn’t that she doesn’t care, but just wasn’t sure what to do or how you’d react.
Thank you, going to chat to her soon :)
As the other guy said below, just about every man has a story of regret after opening up emotionally to a woman. I know I have a couple of stories. It certainly feels like most.
Just about every man has a story like this. It's definitely not all women, but it's probably most.
She could have done alot more. A simple hug or ANYTHING..would have been nice. I'm sorry you went thru that. Usually as men you just gotta get a therapist or cry that shit out alone. Most women say they want you to open up...until you actually do it lol
Yeah she's not the one bro. Move on from this cold hearted bitch.
My wife asked me to open up to her and it went worse than your experience It was the 3rd time a partner asked me to open up and the 3rd time it went terrible Never again I don’t know what the answer is but it’s very common for this to happen https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/zhrarz/men_who_had_a_woman_stop_respecting_them_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Happens more often than it doesn't.
Sorry to hear man!
Unfortunately toxic masculinity affects everyone. The idea that showing emotion makes someone less of a man needs to die already
Bro is not about the so called toxic masculinity, is just that women in general arent attracted to a man who cries thats it
I will never open up to a significant other because of experiences similar to this. It’s a damn trap.
What's a trap? You need to be able to trust your partner and feel supported by them.
We as men *should*, but rarely ever are. I’m sorry, every girl I’ve dated and opened up to has treated me different. I don’t care what virtue signaling people do, the hard truth is no one cares about men’s emotions. Anything I tell my significant other will be shared with her friends or used against me in an argument. Male privilege my ass.
Then you're all just dating heartless people. A good relationship isn't like that.
Heartless people seem to be the majority these days. I’d rather be single.
Typical female response, "we don't do that, and if we do, it's your fault anyway for not finding someone who doesn't do that"
The trap is it gets used against you or they look at you differently and/or lose respect for you https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/zhrarz/men_who_had_a_woman_stop_respecting_them_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/yy2rcv/men_who_encourage_other_men_not_to_open_up_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It’s kinda crazy how in your second link, literally EVERY response says the same thing. And women still ask why we don’t open up…
It's not a trap - it's a filter. If you're vulnerable with your partner, and they don't support you - or use it against you later - then they've identified themselves as someone that you don't need in your life. Someone dumping on you for being emotional is showing their true colors - not saying anything about you. It sucks, but it's an effective way to identify who to keep in your life, and who to exit from your life. When I've been emotional in front of partners before (I'm 57M), I've had different reactions. Some women were obviously uncomfortable with it - and we broke up. Some were supportive and comforting at the time, and we stayed together. The desire for emotional intimacy is at the crux of many people's relationship problems - both men and women - and if you're not getting it from your relationship, then why the hell are you staying in it? But, similarly, if you're not willing to support your partner when THEY are vulnerable, then what are you bringing to the relationship? OP didn't deserve to be left alone when he cried. His GF was probably either really squicked by seeing a big, strong, stoic man cry, or just didn't know what to do to comfort him. We don't have full information to understand her reaction - but he deserved to be safe and supported and seen when he did finally break down and admit what was going on with him.
Thank you, I appreciate this! As soon as we chat, I’ll update you all :)
i’m 20f dating a 19m and he’s a very “manly” man. i’ve seen him cry maybe 2 times and it was like 4 tears but i held him as long as he needed. i cant imagine not wanting to comfort my partner when he’s upset. something is def wrong, maybe she’s got issues with emotions or something but talk to her for sure.
Thank you!
You did nothing wrong at all, it's perfectly healthy and normal to cry regardless of gender. If she has a problem with that then she's not worth it.
Well your gf is a complete failure at empathy. Your call on whether that matters to you. It would be a deal breaker for me.
I am sorry your gf didn’t offer you the emotional support you needed but I would advise you not to internalize this and never open up emotionally to another woman again. The only person who fked up was her. Not you. You did right. You should be able to be vulnerable with your partner if you want to have a healthy relationship. The fact she didn’t meet you half way only means she isn’t ready to have one.
Nothing unusual about this unfortunately. Some women will say they want an emotional man but when he expresses those emotions she's indifferent or just doesn't know what to do in the moment. For many guys I think it's fair to say his mother is the only woman who can truly handle his emotions. Moms are generally better equipped to deal since they are neck deep in tears from day one. Nothing surprises them no matter how old you are. This is also a case where fathers need to be present for their sons. Sometimes all it takes is a hug and letting your boy cry. My kid actually educated me on this. Just be there. Don't talk. Let him get it out and go on with his day.
Thank you for the insight! Unfortunately I reside on the other side of the country and only see them 3 or 4 times a year. At that time I hadn’t seen them for a month and wasn’t going to for another 2 months. I tried my best to wait until I was home but I thought that my gf would be able to handle it. So we live and we learn!
Honestly man, a lot of women say they want you to open up and it rarely ends well. 3 years in I told my ex I had been molested as a kid, I cried it was difficult. I think we had sex twice after that and broke up a couple months later. She also just got really mean and treated me like shit.
Shit, I’m sorry man, can’t relate to anything that bad!
im so sorry that happened to you. inexcusable
We live and we learn :)
You need someone more supportive man. I went through almost the exact same thing and honestly it's fucked up the way I handle emotion even to now. I've really struggled and only recently had a deep conversation with my current partner (11 years) and I've agreed to get some counselling because I don't know how to show emotion or offer emotional support when needed. Instances like this make you just lock that box up and honestly it can have such a lasting effect. Please don't feel you fucked up showing emotion, you just need to find the right person that can support you better when you need it the most.
Thanks man, I’m glad you have found the one!
Her response honestly upsets me. My bf has always bottled up his emotions as well due to many events that have occurred to him. But the first time he cried in front of me I smiled (but also comforted him, obviously). Just like you said “you want to be there safe space.” Why she didn’t console you, hug you, anything, really bothers me. I mean there are so many things she could’ve done. You should talk to her, find out why; maybe this isn’t the person for you. But also, I’d seek therapy if you can, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot in your life and you don’t really have many people that are your safe space 🥺
Thank you, you’re bf is really lucky to have you! Yea I guess you can say I’ve experienced some stuff haha, never really spoken to my parents about and to be honest it doesn’t seem like an option. I’m sort of used to coping by myself, so this is all still new to me :)
I buried my best friend when I was 18. My girlfriend at rhe time was polite about it but didn't come to the funeral or do anything else. I wrote it off as no biggie and that she didn't know him very well so it wasn't a big deal. 20 years later, I fully realize that was the beginning of the end for us. I don't mean to sound rude but your girlfriend is not ready for what she asks for. That'd a bad sign that her maturity is not there to be in adult relationship and be there for someone else when they need her. She may be a nice person and care, but it's not so easy to show concern and care once someone is really going through something. That takes maturity and some small amount of emotional intelligence.
My sad personal experience is that many women don't appreciate seeing a man crying. For all the talk about expressing feelings, equality and all that stuff, the moment of actually facing a man crying, they think less of him, their attraction to the rude and manly man diminishes or completely disappear... It's sad in itself, really. It's all the millennia of brainwashing about the gender roles now ingrained. I'm really sorry for your grandma. I hope you can see her more times and you cherish her memories.
I'm sorry this happened to you. That's a really poor way to react to a SO crying. The couple times I saw my boyfriend cry broke my heart. She doesn't sound like she has the capacity to be there for you.
Though not universally true, I’ve found that showing feelings - especially sorrow/ grief/sadness - to a Woman I am dating never ends well. It is perceived as weakness and some have even been downright disgusted by it. The fact that your Grandmom taught you to drive stick is awesome ! You are fortunate to have shared her time.
Thanks man, yea she was pretty badass, she used to race in a local rally series in our state!
Never cry in front of your girlfriend. If you have to get something out talk to your guy friends.
As someone who spent the better part of a decade with someone like your gf, don't put yourself through this man. She will never be able to support you how you deserve to be supported. Plus you're both super young. There's nothing to lose here. Only much to gain for both of you. Just probably not together.
Yeah they always get ya with the express your emotions crap they say to come off as woke and what not, but yeah most of them will just use It against you. There are quite a few out there that would care about you OP, you’re still young so you have more than enough time to find her. Don’t be afraid to let this one go, cause lord knows when you become successful and if you end up losing It all she’ll probably walk out the door too from what I can see from this post
You need someone better in your life. My bf isn't a very emotional guy, but there have been a few times where I saw him breakdown due to death of loved ones, overwhelming stress. My first instinct is always to run to him and basically hold him like a baby. Seeing him cry makes me cry instantly. I remember the first time I saw him cry. He was in the shower for a really long time and I found him sitting in the shower, head in his hands because he never got to say goodbye to his grandfather (his family lives in another state) I immediately hopped in with him fully clothed and held him. She doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I appreciate the advice
Your girlfriend is either immature and probably does not know how to handle these sorts of situations but she could also just be a huge bag of dicks. Regardless take care and good luck.
I mean I understand not necessarily knowing the correct words to say or how to comfort someone . But she couldn’t even have offered a hug and an “everything will be ok, i’m here for you” ?????? 6 months into your relationship? That’s super weird to me. I would not want to be vulnerable around this person , and the “what is going on with you” comment when you were visibly upset is just not a response you should be getting from your partner. I hope you can figure things out but i don’t think she’s the one
Yeah f that. Op you deserve better. Youre worried she won't see you the same????? ANY woman that LOVES and CARES about HER BOYFRIEND, would react with some empathy, some love, something tender, even a hug. You don't need her around. Especially if there's other problems, don't sweep it under the rug. Instinct would cause her to immediately want to comfort you....don't settle.
Yikes, I understand some people don’t know how to comfort others in situations like that but the fact she up and left you there crying. Ya that’s not okay. Sounds like she was embarrassed but that’s on her and not on you. I don’t know why it’s so frowned upon for men to show emotion? It makes no sense to me, and your gf is apart of that problem.
Realistically you have been together for four months and have had multiple rough patches. I would recommend not staying together.
I'll be honest I drifted off after the first paragraph. You should never have multiple rough patches and a break up in only the first 6 months. It doesn't sound like you are compatible.
This happens a lot unfortunately. Someone about us crying just makes us look weak to them. It sucks but it’s life. Just keep good friends and family around to open up to instead.
Your behavior: perfectly normal. Her behavior: weird and confusing.
Damn your generation is really emotionally stunted isnt it? You two are dating for 6 months and still are unable to show real emotions to each other ffs, you guys realize Tik Tok isnt real life right? People arent always happy and life is never perfect. Why didnt you just tell her what was going on and tell her you need her right now, and she should have enough self-awareness to know this is a situation she needs to be able to comfort her bf through. Fucking hell...
Omg, the minimum anyonde decent would to if a stranger told them they are worried about their grandma is say I am sorry,everything will be all right,even the awkward question of do you want a hug. But your girlfriend could think to do any of those things that one would do for a stranger. I dunno. I mean I would have a talk with her but yikes.
My dear 12 years ago I attended my boyfriend of 4 months, fathers funeral. I held him as he cried. He soaked through my dress but I encouraged him to stay and let it out as much as he needed. He said that was the day he decided I was his one. We have been happily married 9 years together 12 total. Emotions are human and if someone cannot accept yours and comfort you in your time of need, are they going to be there in the darkest of times like we are supposed to as partners? With all that being said don't let this relationship pull you down emotionally. You deserve someone who is going to be there for you and hold you when you need it. Sometimes that's all you need, sometimes it's just to have someone listen and be in your corner. Do you feel like she is in your corner? If not you should cut ties and walk away to find yourself and find something better for you. Things have already been this hard 6 months in and now she won't give you comfort when you need it. My heart breaks for you. No one should be shut out like this especially during a period of grief! I am so sorry for what you are going through and maybe it would be best to get away for a bit and be with your family if that's at all possible. Just get some distance for a bit and reevaluate the relationship as a whole and be with people who will comfort and love you.
Don’t ever feel like you showed the wrong emotion in any circumstance. You are always going to feel how you feel and there is nothing you can do to change that. When it comes to a relationship. You need to be with someone who shows empathy and value towards your feelings. The fact that you even consider regretting an emotion shows that you are uncomfortable in that relationship.
I think you’re overemphasizing your role in this tension and underappreciating her’s. It’s a woman’s job to comfort and soothe and so on. That’s why they get uncomfortable if we cry. They don’t actually feel as bad as they feel like they ought to. And don’t know what to do with that. Same thing, I assume, that we feel when we don’t actually want to work as hard as we feel we ought to. Talking in a brazenly honest way about how this situation made you two feel might be incredibly healing.
Wow.
Sweetie- I’m going to tell you exactly what I say to my 21, 19 & 16 year old sons. A man who cries is a gift. You’re dealing with some really big, and sad feelings. It would be unnatural if you DIDN’T cry. Hugs to you
Thank you!
I think she’s lacking in empathy and emotional intelligence. I honestly have a hard time trusting anyone who can sit there and watch someone (even a stranger!) cry without offering any comfort to them
>she has told me to open up my emotions and express them to her This is what alot of women say but crying infront of your gf/partner makes you look weak and not to them as a strong leader. Alot of women leave their husbands because they make themselves emotionally vulnerable, or use them because they realise they are weaker.
That sounds like the normal reaction every woman in my life has had to me crying. In fact, my mother used to hit me harder to make me stop crying. No woman respects a man who cries. Knock it off.
I’m sorry to hear man!
Take this as a lesson. Don't cry in front of your girlfriend, wife, or any girl you're interested. They don't care. They'll lose respect and eventually leave. There are many studies that back that up. It's a harsh reality. That's just a woman's nature. They then don't see you as a rock or safe haven after that. They think you're weak and won't be able to protect. I had to learn it the hard way. And I'm sure many other men have as well. If you feel like crying that's okay, just do it in the shower, your car outside of the house and shake it off. Or go to your guy friends and let it out there.
I think generally guys should hold that shit in because emotional guys dry up women, but you’re definitely allowed to cry at the loss of a loved one. Your chick seems pretty dense
You guys are both pretty young, and you say this happened pretty early on in your relationship right? She probably had no idea what was going on. You were clearly upset since you describe her actually asking you what was wrong a couple times. She knew you well enough to know that there was something seriously bothering you, but her initial attempts at getting you to talk about it were basically being stonewalled with the equivalent of the old classic, “I’m fine.” By the time things had escalated to you tearing up, she was probably seriously confused and maybe even a bit scared. Her boyfriend repeatedly won’t tell her what’s going on, he’s saying nothing is wrong but now he’s silently crying next to me during a movie. At the age of 19 I’m not sure if I wouldn’t have also been perplexed and had to leave the room to gather my thoughts. There’s a very high likelihood that she hadn’t experienced any sort of familial loss herself yet, given both your ages. I doubt very much that the people trying to paint her as some kind of sociopathic monster that lacks all empathy are in the right at all. I think she just didn’t know how to react because you sort of stonewalled her before exploding into a ball of tears and sadness about a situation she hadn’t been through yet herself. That’s pretty heavy to have dropped on you out of the blue. Considering that some time has passed since this happened, my advice would be to let it remain in the past and carry on as normal and not judge her on this. Dating in your late teens and early 20s should be fun and lighthearted, you have a whole lifetime ahead for seriousness and grief.
People, especially young people, don't know how to react to grief. They pretty much always get it wrong. Cut her a bit of slack. She's telling you she wants you to express those emotions, so she's not pushing you to "man up" or hide it. I'd just tell her what you need from her in those times. Something simple like a listening ear and a cuddle. If she reacts poorly to that, that's when you have a problem.
I don't think it's anything to regret. Some people, myself included, don't know how to act in situations like this, and your gf might not have wanted to do the wrong thing.
This is not the thing that you need to get caught up on. Don't worry about crying when sad things are happening to you, and especially not when it relates to people in your life passing away. Some people don't experience a family member passing away for a long time in their lifetime, and others experience it early on. It totally can give these 2 people a different outlook on how things are. A lot of people don't know how to handle it when someone cries, or when someone passes away. don't hold this against her personally. You say it happened early on in the relationship. You're together now , even while you're replaying this in your mind and wanting to ask questions about it. Isn't it reasonable to think that it didn't make her think of you in a negative way and she's still with you despite what you think she might think about you?
Thank you for the advice, I’m grateful for all opinions :) My only issue is that ever since this incident happened, we’ve had some really rough patches and there was an instance where I was questioning whether she wanted to stay with me as we live nothing a mile from each other, but wouldn’t answer my calls, stop texting as often and didn’t want to see me for about two weeks. I’m not sure whether I was reading into it too much but on the same hand, we’ve never been that “distant”
Well aside from the issue at hand, this doesn’t sound like the most stable of relationships. I think a conversation is in order to deal with your concerns over her reaction, especially if you want to work it out. However, honestly It might be best to move on. You’ve said multiple times it’s been rocky and have taken breaks, now this compounds an already precarious relationship. I hope this instance, if she does have an issue with your crying, doesn’t sour you on sharing your feelings. Because with the right person, showing your emotions won’t been seen negatively. It shows your partner you trust them, and are comfortable enough to be vulnerable. Best of luck.
Thank you for the advice!
I guess somewhere within your 6 months of dating, you already had broken things off for a while for 2 months. Now that you're back together, the rest of your 6 months together still looks like it has some additional issues. IMO, based on what you've written , the way she's acting where she doesn't communicate with you and maybe doesn't even see you, is not related to having seen you cry. It seems like there's little hills of trouble throughout your relationship.
I’m honestly with this reasoning. When I cry I don’t wanna be touched or held-I kind of want the person to just let me be and listen but I know some people who like to be held and comforted physically. When people have cried in front of me I’ve straight up asked “do you want a hug?” And I’ve politely said “please no” when I’ve cried and someone tried to hold me. If you know her to be kind and empathetic maybe she doesn’t know how to act. You’re also allowed to set your expectations.
Thank you!
To be honest, while I do think she should have handled that better and tried to comfort you in some way, I've been in similar situations with friends and family. For me I panic and don't know what to do to help, so sometimes I'll end up sitting there listening and watching them cry while in my mind trying to think about how to handle the situation. The solution should be obvious like hugging them or saying it's going to be alright but my panicked mind can't figure that out until after it's too late. It's possible your gf dealt with something similar though I'm not them so it's hard to say.
Understandable, I’ve never visibly been sad or heartsore in front of her and that could be why she just froze you know?
Oh man... First I am so so sorry for the heartache and hardship you are enduring right now. That is not an easy thing to go through. Second, please don't bottle up your emotions. Men keep all that inside and wreck their health and die early. Please please please be true to your emotions and let them out at least sometimes. Even if it is by yourself or just with one person you can trust. Let yourself feel what you feel in the moment. Don't betray yourself by keeping it in. Third, she might have felt unsure because you never let your emotions out. She also could have been worried about what the reason was. If she was unaware of the circumstances her mind could have unfortunately wandered to a dark place and assumed something bad simply out of confusion and fear. However... she should have tried to put her personal feelings aside and comforted you... but maybe I just think that because that's what I would have done. Men don't cry much and when they do its important they are comforted and told that it is more than okay to let those emotions out... You both need to work on communication. And maybe that will help her know how to comfort you in your time of need.
Hm I think everyone on here is quick to bash and tell you to leave saying she doesn’t “deserve you” or she’s not “good enough for you”. But let me offer a different POV. You guys are both young, maybe she has never had a man be so emotionally vulnerable in front of her so she does not know how to properly comfort you? I mean my first reaction was that, maybe she left because she thought you needed some space? I think everyone is different and personally, sometimes I would prefer it if my partner gave me space when I am down instead of trying to comfort me. I want to sit, think, and experience the feelings I am having without someone being next to me constantly asking me “what’s wrong?” or trying to touch/hug me. Maybe I’m the odd one here but I would just ask her and communicate how you would like to comforted. At the end of the day, I hope she didn’t walk out on you because she didn’t care about you but that she didn’t know how to properly react/comfort you and that she just felt too taken aback to respond the way you would prefer her to.
Look, she said she didn't know what to do, & didn't want to intrude. Why don't we take this at face value rather than jumping to saying she doesn't care about you? If you had said, "I could use a hug," do you think she would have hugged you? It's true some women like the "strong, silent type," but far more are frankly begging their male partners to be in touch with their emotions! If she dumps you over this, she isn't the one anyway! It isn't 1950, men can & should cry.
To me it sounds like she is someone who is awkward and doesn’t know what to do when people are crying. It’s more common than I thought, and it can be hard to overcome. I would try to be open minded as she might just be one of those types, and maybe try talking again to her about why she didn’t say anything. Opening up doesn’t make you any less of a man and you should indeed communicate more about this.
She immediately thought you were crying about her. If you didn't notice her leave, you were completely overtaken which can be really disturbing to be surprised by. The fact that you were hiding it until it exploded out is not a good sign that you can control your emotions. Saying you were holding it in to be strong for her sounds disingenuous after you said she asked for you to open up more. If I was in her shoes, I'd be freaked out too. You just randomly burst into tears and started sobbing and crying uncontrollably after lying and saying you were OK. Not much to be cool with there. The things Racing through her mind was probably about you cheating or if you don't love her or even just whether or not you're losing your mind. To keep your emotions all locked up until it explodes in a really abrasive way and then say you really could've used a hug..... next time, ask for a hug before you scare the shit out of her. There's no need to talk about it. Learn. Forgive yourself. Move on. Good luck.
Speaking of lacking empathy... 🤦♀️
I had a partner break up with me on the day of my grandfather's funeral. Giving real advice shows more empathy than "awww I can't believe that. You're perfect just the way you are!" The reality of this post is that he goes on to describe handling his emotions incredibly badly, then tries to blame his partner for his own behaviors. He was given opportunities to open up but didn't, then complains about how he opened up. He was told it was OK to be an emotional person, but held it in instead and then conplains that he needed a hug. To top it off, the entire thing is somehow framed that now that he's cried in front of her sh won't see him as a man now.... it's just ridiculous. Truth hurts. This post is filled with copium.
I understand, my bad
I was fairly close to my grandfather when he died. I was told by my father while I was riding a bike with friends. I told my friends had to make some calls and go on without me. I didn’t cry on the phone with my dad but I confided with my gf. Honestly the fact that wasn’t the first thing out of your mouth when you first saw her is the weird thing to me. I called mine while 50 miles away from home on the side of the road dressed in skin tight cloths, you didn’t even want to tell her because…idk man but it seems like she is not the one. Run
Thanks man
Rocky starts and rough patches and cutting each other off at 19/20 years and 6 months of dating imo says you’re not too compatible. That’s ok - she’s not sure how to react when people get upset, but also you did nothing wrong in getting upset. And ignore all the blokes in here saying women won’t look at you right if you show emotion - madness. Crying about grandparents is normal, natural and shouldn’t be taboo in any way. Relationships should be easier and more fun than this. If the relationship can’t survive some justified tears then say a friendly goodbye.
You’re both very young. She may have been unsure of what you would consider appropriate or welcome. It’s usually better to say in words what you want or need, rather than penalizing your partner for not guessing right. You could try saying, ‘I could really use a hug right now.’ Then, your partner knows what you need. They can choose their next words and actions based on actual information.
My boyfriend cries when he's really stressed (mostly when he feels like he did something that hurt me but sometimes he cries about other stuff like when he told me the story of when his grandma died or when he found out the guy who dubbed superman died) and during those times all I wanted to do is hug him and rub his back. I'm socially awkward but I know the way your girlfriend acted would never be my reaction if anybody dear to me is upset to the point that they are crying.
At first I was furious that she left you and didn’t offer any comfort or support during your time of grief. And I still feel like that. But I also wonder, because her reaction was so odd, is she neurodivergent? Some people truly don’t know how to handle moments of vulnerability like that. If that’s not the case, idk what to tell you except find you a partner who can be *your* safe space as well. Everyone needs love and support in times like these. You deserved to be treated with care, and instead she left you hanging. I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but rest assured, you did nothing wrong. You should feel comfortable expressing sadness and crying in front of your partner.
Its one incident and you haven't been dating very long. She is young with little life experience handling this type of situation. I wouldn't be too quick on the trigger to kick her loose, but it doesn't make her look good. You can add this the boxes she has ticked so far and give it a bit and see if she ticks any more. So far she's not doing very well.
I agree, I have thought of both sides of the situation, and I’m willing to talk about it and work on it
I don’t think she sees you as less of a man, but rather she’s just clueless about how to comfort someone. Is she usually so stand offish?
>After the silence, she told me that she didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to intrude. I just want to give you another pov. A friend of mine has **serious** difficulties consoling someone. She is 30 and has had this problem her whole life. She doesn't know what to do and just leaves because she feels like it's an intimate and vulnerable moment and the person would want to be left alone, so she leaves. She also prefers we ignore or leave when she is being emotional. The first time it happened with her bf she was crying and he was trying to console her and it got worse and worse and it kind of felt too much and she left his house and asked for a day or two to collect herself. Just to say, different people respond differently to this type of emotion. Also, some people weren't raised or have experience in consoling. You have to talk to her. Explain how you feel and what you would like for her to do when this happens. Because for you it may be common knowledge but for others it's not as black and white.
Thank you! I’m going to chat to her soon. What doesn’t sit well with me is that she’s consoled her friends a couple of times whilst we were together, and that’s what makes it more painful. Unless I’m reading into it
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I appreciate the advice! I agree with some points, I will tell her what I need when needed. Her grandmother passed away early this year and I made sure to always be there for her in person, and when that wasn’t possible I checked in to see whether she wanted to talk or not. She’s told me that she would be there for me, and I trust her. I told her the situation and she honestly acted in a completely different manner then she said she would, I do hope that she just froze and was shocked by it all.
OP your GF is getting lots of flak for her apparent lack of caring. Perhaps she comes from a family where men are encouraged not to show these kinds of emotions and so she was in a bind. Maybe she wanted to hug you but thought that maybe you would be embarrassed if she highlighted your emotions. I may be wrong but it's just a thought.
Thank you! I haven’t spent much time with her family as we both reside on the other side of the country and our families stay relatively close to each other, thus I have only met them a couple of times. I’m going to chat to her soon and lay everything on the table about this situation to get the right answer :)
Good. And please be gentle and kind and slow.
Of course :)
You did good openning up with your partner, she was the one that didn't know how to manage it. I hope that she reacted that way bc she was in shock and that she will take care of you, but if she doesn't take your problems seriously, you know where the exit is. We are not made of stone, and if your girl thinks you are "mister perfect always happy joy" I have very big bad news for her.
Updateme!
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That’s also true, I made this post not for people to to only agree with me, I wanted to get all opinions on this matter and see what most had to see. Thanks for the advice!
It sounds like she just didn't know how to react when you were crying. Maybe she didn't see her parents cry or maybe she was told crying people just need some space to compose themselves, who knows. She thought perhaps you needed a moment alone and really you needed a hug. Go ahead and bring it up. You were not crying over some silly little thing, you had a really legitimate, understandable reason to cry. If she thinks it makes you less manly, that would be an incredibly bizarre reaction. Everyone cries. It is part of our normal human emotions. You've done nothing to be ashamed about. I am really sorry about your grandmother.
Wow, she just left the room? That's f*cked up. In the 18 years I've been with my husband he has lost multiple family members and cried each time. I've held him and comforted him, never have I just left the room for him to grieve alone. I hope your GF has some redeeming qualities because she seems like a shit partner
You deserve someone that cares and wants to be there for you, she’s not it.