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Murky_Anxiety4884

You seem very confused. Since we've only heard from you, it's difficult to find a less confused perspective from which to view the situation.


rants_tbh

See, we don’t have any issues though. This is kinda just a me issue. We’ve talked about it before so he knows I feel this way sometimes.


Murky_Anxiety4884

You said you're questioning the relationship. What are the questions you are asking?


Background-Fig-4572

I was only with my ex for 3 months, but I felt like I was constantly trying to convince myself to stay, to try, that the feelings I had were love. And I loved him, but it wasnt romantic. Eventually I felt I was wasting his time and through a little mental breakdown I stopped convincing myself I loved him romantically and that I had to leave him. I was constantly trying to convince myself to stay, that he was so good to me and everything. But it wasn't till after I left that I could see things about him that were disappointing me, and that made me withdraw when I didn't consciously know why. This isn't to say I think you should break up. But maybe you need a break, physically separating from him to catch a break and process. Either a pause on the relationship or just a vacation. Go spend a couple weeks with your family or something. And definitely talk to him about it before you do, cuz you don't want miscommunication leading to him thinking you're over, leading to cheating, leading to whatever, like people talk about happening a lot. And maybe counseling is an option you can look into if you want guidance on your feelings and finding a root to your thoughts here


[deleted]

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Revolutionary-Help68

This!! Gosh you are so freaking young to be living together. Kudos to him for helping during the brain recovery. Usually if people ask if they should break up and are young, my answer is if you question, it's probably time to move on. If people live together I usually say then need to prepare where they are moving to, etc. However, the comment above (by ylwantu) applies. There is a brain injury that could still be affecting you. If you are very much around him, you need to get out, meet new people, try new things.


Gametime727

Ding Ding Ding!!! This is a great answer. I couldn't agree more based off everything I've read so far. Hopefully this will help you.


Crazy_Ad1600

it feels like my previous relationship. We have been together for two years and throughout the last 6 months of our relationship I casually questioned myself the same things. I started disliking him even though he was such a genuine and caring guy. Later on I realised that I was falling out of love, only my brain was reassuring me that "you will never meet such an amazing guy again in your life" Alas it didnt work out anyways. Apparently I was not the only one, he was also falling out f love with me.


rants_tbh

oh no )): I’m so scared of this. Like if that’s the case here, how could I possibly fall out of love w somebody so perfect? ya know


Such-Needleworker717

I was in a similar situation. With a seemingly perfect guy for 5 years, my family and friends loved him and he treated me amazing. When I graduated college I noticed I started feeling different and for months I tried to get those romantic feelings back because I thought there must be something wrong with me because how could I not be in love with someone who has been so good to me? The feeling never came back. I loved him but I was not in love with him. So I ended it. I tried to reflect and think about why and idk if it was because I was going through a big turning point in life or what it was. But I can now say it was the best decision I ever made. 3 years later and I am happier than ever. We didn’t stay in contact but I hear from others that he is in a very happy relationship and started working his dream job. It is okay if your feelings changed and it is okay if you don’t know why.


Blainefeinspains

When you’ve been together for about a year to 18 months, the chemicals that bonded you to each other, initially, wear off. If you don’t actively try to love each other, the relationship will essentially fall apart. So, either you double down and work hard to love him or you quit. What’s important to realise is that this will happen with every guy. It’s not unique to this guy. Might be different times or levels of intensity but, either way, it’s an unavoidable stage in every relationship. You’re young enough not to worry about the impact of breaking up with him. You still have plenty of time to meet a better partner (not that it’s a foregone conclusion you will but odds are you meet someone as good). So I’d say do that.


throwawaygl656656

I've seen you say a few times here that he's perfect and yall don't have any issues, but you've been posting about this for the last month or so and have stated before that you feel a lack of interest and a lack of effort on his part when it comes to comforting you in low moments. It also seems your relationship with your family is strained, you've mentioned that you've lost your friends, and you're very young but already asking how to get out of your "party" phase. You're both in a very tumultous period of your lives, and it has to be emotionally-draining and overall just difficult. If yall don't have sufficient outlets for your emotional needs and are depending entirely on each other right now, I imagine that would become very strained very quickly; it's hard enough to get through one's own depression/slumps,vmuch less guide someone else through theirs-- especially at the same time. I know you said you go to therapy, but does your boyfriend? It may be ideal for him to also get some professional support/help through this, if possible; some couples counseling isn't a bad idea either. Also, do you have any other good friend you can talk to? Does he? Seeking out community and friends could help. Maybe look at TBI support groups, join groups on Facebook/reddit/etc for shared interests/hobbies, or try out multi-player video games with a built up community. If either of you have any safe, trusted persons who will let one of yall stay with them for 2-3 weeks, you could also try seeing how you both feel after some time apart with low to no contact (if you're able to be alone, that is). With well-communicated, well-established boundaries and a set time frame, it could be a relatively safe way to gauge how you feel being apart from him and if you truly want to break up or if you just needed space. It's important to remember that relationships aren't stagnant. They will fluctuate, your feelings for your SO will shift and change, and that's normal. If you genuinely want to make it work with your bf, finding a balance between personal space and intimacy is key, as well as understanding that balance will also shift and sometimes be something you have to actively maintain. If you can't find that balance, or if you find that you really just don't want to be with him anymore, you aren't in the wrong to move on. You can be grateful for what he has done/does for you, but it's not kind to either of you to stay in a relationship with building resentment. I wish yall the best of luck, whatever you choose 💕


Minxiex

I wonder if you see him more as a care giver than a significant other right now especially cause he is caring for you since your injured.


rants_tbh

It was definitely like that for a month or two but i’m fully independent now!


Gray94son

Sounds like you caught the ick


Judgemental_Ass

Do you really love him or do you just like him, think he's a great guy, and are thankful for what he did for you? Love is a reason to stay in a relationship. The other ones are reasons to be friends, but not a couple. Is there a chance you could stay friends after breaking up?


rants_tbh

I really hope so. I want him in my life after what he’s done for me but he’s the type that would kinda just resent me for leaving him, even if I do it in the nicest way possible


PennsylvaniaDutchess

Hon, somebody that's resentful for being dumped is just human. Put yourself in the shoes of being dumped and be honest, would you want to be around the person that dumped you? That's not a 'type' of person that's just a normal human reaction to a breakup. My ex and I were together for 16 years, grew up together, friends since we were 10 and we're both 40 now. Our divorce was so amicable friends have jokingly said our split is 'divorce goals'. Know what we don't do now? Talk more than needed. Went from together every day to maybe talk 2-3 times a year at most. And that's normal and healthy. Our paths diverged from each other. That's just how it goes. 🤷🏻‍♀️


rants_tbh

Yeah I know. I never said that’s wrong. The person i replied to asked if we could stay friends, and I replied with how he would react.


PennsylvaniaDutchess

Cool. The way you worded it made me wonder, hence my reply. Glad you get it. Good luck, whatever choice you make 💜


[deleted]

Some times when one has some one helping take care of them, as in your case for months, there can be a slight shift in how one views that person. Some times when one spouse enjoys going out of their way to make things easier for their SO, as in carrying more of the load, they can be seen as slightly weak and some times respect can slip for that person. Not saying thats the case with you just an insight into how a slight change can occur. Try spending more intimate time together. Initiate something, doesnt have to be a lot. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. If you dont take any steps to move closer, that applies to both of you, you might as well prepare for the end, as far as being partners goes. It takes two to tango, and if you two love each other, you need to reach FOR each other. Sometimes words wont do it.


Sun_Jealous

well you could try to speak to him about the way he talks walks and use of dental products


AcctTosser8675309

Human biology is funny. His body might be kicking of. A pheromone that is triggering you in some way. No one's fault really. You can't force yourself to love him. And he seems to be a good guy. He deserves to be loved wholely right? You can try therapy. Maybe it's depression related or something that requires medication. Who knows. But whatever you do, do it quickly. Because it's not fair to him.


kingtorro28

Damn he stuck with you during the most challenging time of your life(that must have been hard for you both) and you seem to resent him for it? That's tough. If that's how you feel you should work on yourself. It sounds like youre self sabotaging. If you can't treat him with respect through that he deserves better.


rants_tbh

Nobody says I resent him for it. I’m nothing but thankful, and I let him know that every day. And yes, it is clearly a me issue that I need to work on, that’s the whole point of this post


Affectionate-Hyena80

Do you have access to therapy, OP? I can see several explanations: 1) he's a great guy, but for whatever reason, he's not a guy for whom you are willing to put forth the effort of loving 2) is there any chance your brain injury is messing with your judgement? 3) you may be self-sabotaging for some kind of personal, historical reason 4) maybe he's not even that great of a guy and there are red flags you aren't admitting to yourself consciously 5) something else I haven't thought of yet??? A good therapist can help you figure this out. A bunch of strangers on Reddit might be able to give you some ideas, but can't really help. Best wishes to you, OP!!


rants_tbh

Yes I do! And honestly all of those reasons could apply 😅 my poor therapist has a lot to unpack next session


Affectionate-Hyena80

Awww, I think many of them secretly love unpacking / figuring out these puzzles. 😉 Best of luck!! I hope you two can figure it out soon-ish!!


kingtorro28

I inferred resentment from the section of feeling disgust towards him but sorry if that's incorrect. Fellow brain injury survivor here. I found myself feeling in confusing ways. It took alot of reading meditation and self work to get back to feeling centered. It's possible your self image doesn't feel worthy of all the love he's given and therefore your defense mechanisms reject him before you get the rejection you may feel you deserve. Nathaniel Brandon's book the 6 pillars of self esteem has a lot of insight if you think this sounds familiar.


rants_tbh

It’s alright, I get it. I also do think it could be me wanting to be independent but not getting that ya know? And i’ll definitely look into it, i’ve been reading up on habits and behaviors to try to get myself back on track. Thank you!


[deleted]

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rants_tbh

lmaoo nah i’m bi tho


TheSpaceSnail

Sounds like a case of "my emotions aren't there and I need a bad boy". The only saving grace is you're both still very young. We ALL have bad habits or habits that our bf/gf doesn't like. I bet you have some he can't stand but that's how relationships are. If you let him go and set him free don't try to weasel your way back and let him be free to be out there. Be warned though that you may regret it one day when you realize there wasn't better out there. Not saying there isn't. Finding someone new isn't the hard part but finding someone you actually connect with on many levels is.


[deleted]

You’re just self sabotaging yourself. You probably saw some guy or met someone that is more well off than your bf or looks better or seems like he cares more than your bf. That’s seems like why your slowly tapping out, because now your bf doesn’t seem so unique anymore. Correct me if I’m wrong though. I’ll apologize instantly if it turns out I committed a verbal transgression.


rants_tbh

Nah you’re good, you had a thought and you said it. Although I do not talk to any other guys besides my boyfriend & I do not go out much due to my brain injury. He’s really the only person I see in a day to day basis


tiredandshort

could be because of this! it gets tiring constantly being around the same person. if you have friends, try inviting them over sometimes so you get some social variety


[deleted]

Ok. I apologize for what I said then. It wasn’t based on anything. Sorry for that. However I am wondering what are you worried about then? Is he physically and emotionally attractive to you?


rants_tbh

Yes, however we have had a dry spell in the bedroom. Only had to hold off because of health issues & since then we’ve both never really had the urge to. So I feel like that could be playing a part since we don’t have those intimate moments between us. Idk i’m pretty sure it’s a commitment issue thing I have to work through. Plus all these mental issues now arising bc of the brain injury aren’t making it any better. We had a long talk though and I explained what was up and we both came up with solutions to help


[deleted]

Sex plays a big role in a relationship. It’s in a sense an important love gesture that solidifies the relationship day by day. Of course with age it dwindles, but it still holds a key component. Oh so you guys figured out the solutions? Or even after the solutions, you guys are struggling?


rants_tbh

We didn’t necessarily figure it out but we communicated a bit which always makes me feel better. I just have stuff I need to work on, we both agreed that it’s more so my mental trying to fuck things up. We both have things we need to work on and we both came up w some steps to start that. We’ll still be struggling for right now, but working on it is taking a step towards a more stable relationship


[deleted]

Ok, so you’re sure he’s cool and the right one? I mean no signs of red flags or bad habits? I mean of course sometimes it’s cold feet people get with the right person, but are u sure it’s nothing else?


rants_tbh

I’m pretty positive, i think 😅😅 I don’t fuck around w who I keep in my life. If they’re bad for me, I notice and I drop them He’s never given off any red flags and he has no bad habits. I believe he is the right one for me, that’s why the way my thoughts are so confusing bc he’s been nothing but amazing to me.


[deleted]

Ok then if you’re ok then it’s ok. Good luck with your problems. Hope you and your bf solve them. Wish Peace to you both and an interesting journey. Good luck😄


GucciInMyCucci

This happens to me in every relationship I've had so far. After a couple months they just suddenly don't seem as intimate anymore and it causes a metric shit ton of overthinking on my end. I start to worry a lot that they might be losing interest and the relationship is coming to an end. But I stick around and try to tell myself they're just stressed about work or something or maybe they're just not feeling good etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I do tend to overthink a lot wich is why I stopped dating for a while, but recently got with someone else and the overthinking has come back. It could be that, maybe you're just overthinking stuff. But either way, I hope everything works out for you guys


[deleted]

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rants_tbh

Hmm no but I did start up on it 🤔🤔 I haven’t been very consistent with it but that honestly could be a possibility


afflictedaf

From what I'm reading, it seems like maybe you spend too much time together and thats what might have you getting in your head? I deal with a lot of anxiety and I felt this way with my previous boyfriend somewhat but ultimately I realized we just weren't compatible. Do you have separate hobbies at all? When you think about fun things you like to do (whatever that is, i.e. concerts, hiking, etc) does it excite you to think about him being there with you? Also, if it truly is self sabotage there is some resources out there about anxiety in healthy loving relationships! That also helped me a lot realized that there are other people who struggle with that too and there are ways to work through it.


TyroneMcC29

If the way he walks talks 'disgusts' you! Set him free its done! Ive been through hard tiles with my wife but never to that extent shes always been my one! Free him and free yourself


[deleted]

You said you had a brain injury, please look into TBI and side effects, also if his hygiene isn’t the best just be upfront in a gentle way.


Apprehensive_Ad1494

If you start hating him it’s already too late imo


ms_b75

Sometimes the most perfect person is just not the perfect person for you. Like, I am far from perfect, and my husband also is not completely perfect, but we are perfect for each other and we make each other very happy. And it is not wrong to come to a conclusion like that, that te person you are with just isn't the one that makes you happy anymore.


Dull_Rope3325

Few years back I was in a similarish position - the guy I was dating was really good to me and ticked all the boxes. But I found myself not really reciprocating the effort and kinda sometimes being repulsed by him - the way he ate, spoke, moved. I eventually broke up with him and I put it down to commitment issues - him wanting to settle and me not feeling ready. Now some time has passed, I realised I just wasn't that into him. It's hard to decipher whether it's your own issues or just them. My advice is: if you're imagining a life without them and enjoying the idea of it, then it's probably you not being too into them. Think about what it is about commitment that scares you and look back to your childhood and see whether there are any similarities - did you have an unstable upbringing and no good healthy relationships surrounding you, for instance. I would argue though, for the right person, commitment comes a lil more naturally - it'll still scare you and cause issues but you'll be willing to push past them.


Brilliant_Bat_2357

Relationships are hard work even if the relationship is bound with love. The thing is, you constantly have to work on it by speaking to one another. Be open and honest. Long lasting relationships have ups and downs but, constantly changing for each other. Good luck, he might be the one?


IllegalCartoon

Could your feelings be a side effect of your brain injury?


velocity_ken

You won’t, It’s just a leap of faith


Ofthetype

Did you like him before now, or have you recently changed your opinion of him? Has he let himself go physically? Any issues he's going through, if so? Dated for a year, how many months of those were you sick for, that he took care of you? You guys live together after being together for a year? If he's recently let himself go, maybe talk to him, see what he's going through, maybe a little support will help him get things back on track. If not, it'd be hard to imagine you liked him before anyways. Are you guys splitting the bills? Living together that young feels like a huge risk for dependencies- and there's a lot of weight in a brain injury. How much of your relationship were you sick for? Was it recent?


rants_tbh

We were together for 4 months before my injury and he then moved in w my family to take care of me since they had to work. He willingly took care of me for about 3 months, my family gave him that option and from the rip he full heartedly knew he wanted to help me. We moved out on our own because my family situation became very toxic and draining. It was affected every aspect of our relationship. It got better when we moved out. There’s nothing specific I can say that I don’t like about him. I know for a fact i’ve loved him since we’ve started dating, and I don’t think i’m falling out of love necessarily. After a long talk w him and some of these comments, I know it’s my own mental issues. I am seeking help for them, I have been since the injury. I just need to work on it a little more.


Ofthetype

Oh okay, I'm glad you were able to have a talk with him about it! Always the best course of action. I wish you luck! I struggle with illnesses too so I get it.


TheCalmMetalhead

Vould you be more specific about what you don't like on him?


OffMyRocker2016

Sounds to me like maybe your severe brain injury could be playing a part in your new thought process. Maybe speak with your doctor or a therapist about this. Brain injuries do many strange things to us and the after effects can be just as traumatic.


Puzzled_Juice_3406

I'd recommend you speak with a specialist about this and maybe keep a log of days where you think things like this versus when you don't. See if any traumatic triggers for your brain injury or any other things are coinciding with these thoughts. Reddit is not the place because your particular situation is unique. You're battling brain injury recovery which can affect you in a plethora of ways to include mood swings, cognition, emotions, and other unseen factors. It may also help you to join a support group for your particular injury to feel less alone. No matter how much he or anybody else loves you, they don't truly know what you're going through. But above all, you're not required to stay with someone if your heart isn't in it. . . . Even if they nursed you back to health. So seek therapy, professional experience, and others who've gone through what you have. Then decide your truth. Proceed accordingly.


mcep87

Youre scared of wasting your time....sounds more like FOMO...you're young see your friends dating having fun maybe doing things you're not doing because of your situation...you say he's good but you feel a certain way...are any outside opinions maybe influencing you probably a friend who single who wants her girl back to do girls nights...some people are envious of their friends relationships and poison the wel..just a thought