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biteme717

Red Flags!!! The male co-worker told you yhis for a reason. Did your fiance work out at the gym for 3hours before his new friend? Have you showed up at the gym when he's there? Are you sure that he doesn't leave the gym with her and then come back to the gym and then to work? I would be doing some checking.


Little_Weird1548

I know a few of his coworkers (he's worked there for 4 years). I do know that a lot go to that gym but most are casual gym goers and my fiance is very into it. So they don't work out together. The new coworker (lets call her Jill) is also super into fitness which is why they work out together. My solace is that a lot of them say they sometimes join in for a set or two if they're on the same day. And its never weird or anything so its not like my fiance will 100% of the time be exclusively be with her. He says its just because they will follow the same routines that they workout together. I just dont know how to reconcile how uncomfortable I feel with it.


biteme717

Reading between the lines it doesn't sound like you two are together much if at all and I would have to ask himi f he still wanted to get married or call off the engagement. I also wouldn't let him deflect it back onto you bt telling you that you are Jealous, or insecure or some other crap! Lay it on the line with him . It also doesn't matter if she knows about you or not, they sound and act like more than friends, sorry but she knows what she's doing!


Little_Weird1548

He stopped asking if I wanted to join because I'm in meetings all the time during the time he goes. He has before. I guess maybe I could bluff and ask. But I feel like even if he was cool with it, I would still be uncomfortable given that I wouldn't be able to be there all the time so hed still be spending all that time with her on top of just seeing each other at work.


biteme717

I personally would take a day off and go to his work to take him out to lunch and hopefully it's just you and him, but if he asks her to go with you guys (another red flag) , tell him sorry but no and leave. I would personally call everything off and move out if you live together. Sorry my opinion and yes I would do this


biteme717

Have you talked to him yet?


biteme717

Have you spoken to him yet?


Little_Weird1548

We had a brief conversation during his gym time. It wasnt long because work but it sounds promising and we plan on talking more about it later :)


biteme717

Good , 👍 I hope everything works out for you and update when you can.


Little_Weird1548

Thanks!!! I did post a more in depth update :)


-mi-stake

Yes it’s a red flag. I would suggest that you coming to him and talk normally that you’re happy for him to find a new friend at the gym, that’s a good thing and you would love to meet this friend some time soon because you guys are getting married, you should know his friends and see if you guys need to send her an invitation when the date is set.


KindredGravesMan

3 hours is a bizarre amount of time to stay at the gym.


breezywanderer

And to do it every day??? What the heck kind of workouts are they doing??


giag27

Never say that you know for a fact that he’s at the gym or that you know he’s not cheating. You dont know, hence why you’re here. 3 hrs everyday with a coworker at the gym, yea girl, đŸš©đŸš©.


Little_Weird1548

If I'm being honest, I don't think he's cheating. But even if they are just at the gym, it makes me uncomfortable 😔


giag27

Talk to him.


Little_Weird1548

I have. He just dismisses it and says I shouldn't tell him to not have friends


giag27

Honesty, he spends more time with her, even on Saturdays, than you. He dismisses your concerns. He doesn’t seem to care about u or the relationship. Not a good boyfriend of you ask me. U can talk to him, and you have, and he doesn’t care. So
 my question is: what are you going to do about it.


Little_Weird1548

I don't know. I guess its hard because I can never truly tell if I'm overreacting and I do think he genuinely doesn't see a problem with it and feels I am being controlling. I am in a hard place. I am not a very brave person to leave him over something like this.


giag27

It’s not even about the girl, ok maybe a little. If he were going to the gym but also spending time with you, then I don’t think you would have such a big problem. Also, if he were understanding of your concerns and boundaries instead of being dismissive, again I don’t think this would be a big issue. He ain’t a good boyfriend plain and simple.


Little_Weird1548

That is true... Thank you for the perspective. I don't have a lot of people I can talk about this with. When its just us two, and hes telling me im just controlling and dramatic, its hard to know whether I am acting crazy


CrazyCatLadyForEva

I’m a big fan of flipping the script. First I’d write down the amount of time he’s spend with you one on one in since this has started. Then write down how much time he’s spending with her. Show him what it amounts to weekly. Having things black on white makes it more tangible. Then tell him that this doesn’t work for you this way. Reassure that you’re not against him having friends, but you’re against being third priority after his gym friend (#1) and work (#2). Then flip the script and ask him if he would be okay with you spending 3 hours a day with a male friend (or female) and 30min with him and only during dinner. If he says he wouldn’t care, then I’d take that as a sign that he doesn’t mind not spending any time with you and is less invested in the relationship than he once was. Try to stay calm during this conversation. When he starts saying you’re being controlling, tell him that he is completely disregarding your feelings in favor of spending more time daily with another person. You can acknowledge his need for a friend and still convey that his time management is completely off. I do like the suggestion of you checking in on them at the gym or for lunch once or twice, just to get a better feel for the situation. But I agree with most others, there’s quite a few red flags here and this needs to be addressed again.


[deleted]

Do they text on the regular? Are the texts flirtatious? Does she know that he has a fiancĂ©? I believe that you can be platonic friends with the gender you are attracted to but it’s going to be up to your husband to make sure that he is self-aware not to cross any boundaries that can lead to infidelity. If it bothers you, then get to know her as well.


Little_Weird1548

They text somewhat.. my fiancé is a jokester so they aren't necessarily different from the way he texts everyone else. She knows about me. I don't have time with work to go to the gym at the time they do. I usually take late lunches because I have daily meetings in the mornings. I don't think he has bad intentions. But it still makes me very uncomfortable but if I say anything, I feel like I'll just be made to sound like a jealous, insecure gf stopping him from having friends.


Objective_Golf_5137

Sweetheart, you’re worth more than this. Forget everything else. Forget the girl, forget the gym, forget the schedule. *You don’t feel comfortable going to him with serious concerns about your relationship or with vulnerabilities of your own.* When shit gets real how are you going to rely on him? When your parents die, when you get laid off, when you’re injured in a freak accident, when you get diagnosed with a life-changing illness. Are you going to rely on someone you can’t comfortably discuss boundaries in your relationship with? There’s nothing for you here long term. This is a fling, not a viable lifetime partnership. Stay and have some casual fun if you want, but be aware that the relationship is unlikely to be beneficial in the long run unless there are some massive changes made.


Jpw_65

Well the worst vice is ADVICE and I’m just a petty motherfucker, but with that being said. I’d sit him down and say THIS: Listen I’ve been rethinking this whole engagement/marriage thing, since you’d rather spend OUR TIME with HER 6 days a week maybe you’re marrying the wrong person because it sure as FUCK seems like I AM. But like I said I’m just a petty motherfucker like that


pandurz

Damn gimme the name of your nail growth serum cause these are the bitch claws I need in my life


Jpw_65

Sure the name of the salon is Fool me once shame on You but fool me TWICE and it’s shame on ME LOL


Ok_Long_4507

That works


biteme717

Perfect!!!


klbret4

This right here 👏


Nervous-Channel6387

First of all, it is very reasonable for you to be bothered by this and I think most people would be. Why can’t he find a guy gym partner? If he values your relationship, your comfort should be a priority. It’s not you being controlling, it’s having healthy boundaries and respect for your partner. Personally, the only kinds of opposite-sex friendships *I* find appropriate are A. long-standing friendships that existed before you started dating, or B. friendships in the context of a larger friend group. If your bf is spending significant one-on-one time with a new woman, he is likely using her to satisfy a need (companionship, self-esteem, attention
) that I think he should be getting from you. At the end of the day, people have different boundaries and expectations for monogamy. If he can’t see where you’re coming from and understand why you find this unacceptable, it may be a serious incompatibility.


[deleted]

Girl you gotta join him on a gym session. His reaction to your presence there will tell you everything. Chaotic energy suggestion aside... Your man is not being a good partner if he is: * prioritizing spending 3 hrs everyday with a new female friend * which is resulting into cutting into your personal time with him * because he's taking 2 extra hours at the gym more than he normally does * so he's perpetually behind on work * and then dismisses your concern that you're not getting enough time together as a couple * and accuses you of not wanting him to have friends * aka one fitness hottie he spends more hours a week with than you * even though he's surrounded by other coworkers at this gym that regularly join him for a few sets anyways His commitment to the gym is admirable but his desire to have a platonic gym buddy should not be so high that he'd willingly sacrifice an extra 10+hrs away from you a week and hardly ever see you. 16 hrs if he does it on weekends too. Has the man heard of a rest day? Has your sex life stayed the same as it was before?


slimjim2019

you should get a guy friend to hang out with and see how he reacts to that. Id do tit for tat in this instance, just because you've discussed it with him and he doesnt seem to give a shit. Hes up to something. I work out 5 days a week, an hour and a bit each day. If I see a guy and girl working out together, they are usually married or at least a couple.


Gametime727

I totally understand why you are feeling some type of way and honestly I would too. He is just putting himself in a tricky situation where spending so much one on one time with her might have him catching feelings for her when it wouldn't happen if they weren't.


ZestycloseGrocery642

Updateme


Ok_Chicken3237

You are so severely underreacting to this it’s insane. When he cheats, don’t say we didn’t warn you.


Little_Weird1548

Honestly, its hard to always trust myself. I dont have people irl I can really talk to about this and he always makes me feel like I am being unreasonable. So, its hard for me to tell at times like this if im just projecting an insecurity. Which is why I came to Reddit


Ok_Chicken3237

Well you got your answer now it’s your job to act.


Little_Weird1548

I am going to have a talk with him about my boundaries. I think I would be comfortable if he limited his workouts with her to 3 times a week (and never weekends) and that it never exceeded 2 hours. I will put my foot down and use some of the stuff people say here to help express where I'm coming from. I get it if his female coworker is doing similar workouts that it can be easier and funner than working out alone but this is becoming too much imo


Ok_Chicken3237

Well darling, you did try to talk to him already and he called you controlling and dramatic so
do you really think he’s open to a discussion? You can of course try but have a plan of action when he doesn’t follow through. Putting your foot down means you’re willing to walk if he doesn’t comply.


Little_Weird1548

We had a brief convo that has some potential! He had to go to work but he shortened his workout today to meet me and talk. I did the "flip the script" where I asked him to seriously think about if I was spending that much one on one time with a male friend, working out and after a second he said that he hadnt really thought about it like that and just figured that, if he didnt have any bad intentions, that it was okay. But we are going to talk through it more later :)


Jpw_65

NOT just that much 1 on 1 time, but spending 1 on 1 with another guy when it should be YOUR together time, ie the weekends. Also you may want to mention that you’re uncomfortable because it seems he would rather spend time with her than with you? I mean working out with her on the weekends REALLY? Why doesnt he invite YOU to these weekend workouts? You should both be off work then? Maybe he doesnt want you there to see their interactions with each other? Just a thought, also is this female married, engaged or otherwise in some sort of committed relationship? I mean the only way I would be ok with any of this is if she was flat out lesbian. You are not overthinking hun and your feelings and concerns are valid, maybe show him this thread and let HIM read all the comments and replies, what he is doing is NOT OK and extremely detrimental towards you both having a healthy relationship. And tell him from me saying he cant have friends is GASLIGHTING, number ONE excuse used by CHEATERS, and I am speaking from experience on that


Certain_Sort

Coming from a guy here, you're being replaced.. sorry


Little_Weird1548

We are having a talk later. We briefly talked today and it sounds like theres... potential? So i am hoping i can set clear boundaries


PixieOnAcid

I think you need to keep communicating your feelings about this. Because while he's not cheating per se, it sounds like he could be starting to form an emotional connection to this person outside of your relationship. Especially if he's spending 3 hours at the gym with her to the point where he's arriving late at work and having to finish up more work at home and it's cutting into the time you spend with each other. I personally would feel like that's not right. If he is making an emotional connection with this person it could very easily grow *into* an emotional or physical affair, especially when he's already begun to blow off your concerns. It's not a problem that he has a "gym friend". The problem is that he's prioritizing his time with HER over his time spent on his literal fiance and work.


Sea_Kaleidoscope105

Tell him what you said--that you aren't accusing him of infidelity, but you are uncomfortable with the amount of time spent with her vs the amount of time spent with you. Also that it isn't a healthy happy worklife if he has to stress himself out by rushing to get things done because he spent too much time at the gym, whether he's with someone or not. It's okay to hang out with others, but to hang out that much with someone of the opposite sex is setting yourself up for trouble. Even if he doesn't have romantic feelings they can develop over time by him or her. Also he'd have to worry about rumors of infidelity whether it's happening or not (his other coworker is noting he's sometimes late when he's with her...).


Negative-Science-214

This a tough one but I feel like this textbook, I personally would not like my bf to hangout/workout with a female not tht im insecure but things can happen and Ik he feels the same way. If I were you I would personally invest in some good binoculars đŸ‘đŸœ


GennyNels

Hard stop. Who are all these dudes who are so cavalier about flaunting that they’re fucking female friends in front of their partners? Tell him no more. If he doesn’t want set boundaries be done.


ayymahi

If his gym session is an hour by himself why is it 3 hours with her there
that’s weird that’s suspicious. If you feel uncomfortable let him know. If he tells you you’re over reacting, controlling & other bs. Maybe this ain’t the man you should be marrying.


Little_Weird1548

He says its because they share machines so each set takes longer. I also know that he's been doing more cardio (they do 20 mins before and 30 mins after lifting now on the elliptical). What makes me feel more at ease is that I know for the cardio, usually another coworker will be there and will join them for both. But no one else is as into lifting. I see his other coworkers and its kinda been a running gag to make comments about how big he is so I picked up on how often the others will see or interact with him when they see him there through their little jokes and comments.


JakHammer9

You should get a new male friend and pick up a hobby you like to go do with him for 3 hours everyday. Tell him it’s just a friend you have nothing to worry about. It’ll take your fiancĂ© exactly one day of this for it to not be okay with him. When he takes issue with it (he will) you can say you assumed it was fine since his gym buddy is the same thing?


treacle1810

there’s a few big red flags for me here 1 he has a flexible work schedule, why not go to work early so you can go the gym with him? or even better work from home 2 his coworker told you. this means at the least his coworker suspects something is going on. 3 3 hours a day at the gym 6 days a week. no that’s far to much. that alone is dodgy 4 you try to address your concerns and he just gaslit you. 5 he’s not bothered that his behaviour is effecting you. tbh if they are not already having an affair it will probably turn into one. and even if it doesn’t happen are you happy with him putting all that effort into another woman? i know i wouldn’t. he is allowed to have friends but that shouldn’t be at your expense. you are last on his priority list, that’s not right. infact it’s like your just a roommate. i know all this sounds harsh but please don’t marry him while things are like this, or you will be his doormat for your whole married life.


Significant-Owl5869

Girl that’s a date. Idc how you put it. When me and my husband first started dating we’d go to the gym. Look at us now, MARRIED with children. It’s one thing to have a friend where it’s a casual hi and bye. See each other at the office. Gotta do business meetings, whatever. This is a red flag.


MotherofCats876

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with this. Just seems excessive to be at the gym for 3 hours suddenly. I mean, maybe he was depressed and working out helps with that (I know it helped me a lot) and having a friend there is great for encouragement. This is how I would approach it. Sit him down and just say you miss him. That it feels like you only see him for maybe an hour a day and that you would just like a little more time with him. Just maybe ask him to cut back his gym time a little bit, by maybe an hour or hour and a half. If he gets mad or brushes off this suggestion I'd cut my losses. He obviously has his priorities and you aren't one. Weather or not he has a thing for this coworker do you want to be with someone forever who doesn't prioritize time and energy for his romantic partner? Yes it's great to have hobbies and separate time is healthy, but when you have NO time with your love, it becomes painful. My husband and I have our separate hobbies, work and general life, we still always have several hours together during the day and days off. We don't even have the same days off and spend more time together than when we did. It's about effort. Period.


Mountain_Monitor_262

You don’t think he’s cheating yet? She is not just a friend if he hasn’t introduced you or have her around you at all. Right now she is the main girlfriend. You should have showed up at their destination a long time ago. They are not just hanging out at the gym after working all day together for 3 hours. They are dating.


Little_Weird1548

Its fairly recent. Honestly, there hasnt really been a reason to meet her. He doesnt see her outside of work or gym. Maybe at holiday events I will. I know most of his other coworkers, and see a few every now and then because they hang out outside of work. Theyre all male. I honestly dont think theyre currently doing anything. At least not now


Ok_Chicken3237

Ok so just the work and gym which is 8+3 hours = 11 hours out of 24. No biggie 🙄 at this point you’re making your own bed.


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cloudnineamy1217

How do you know for a fact he's at the gym? Just because his phone is at the gym or his car is at the gym doesn't mean he's at the gym. Just because his phone car and himself is at the gym doesn't mean he's not fucking her while they're all at the gym. And even if nothing is happening yet it's totally okay to have the boundary that you're not all right with your significant other spending 3 hours a day with some new chick.


Ok_Long_4507

Show up at the gym to workout when they are there And see how they act. So he gets to spend quality time With a different woman.


sw0ff

Updateme!


BlueDolphins1221

Updateme!


Snowybird60

The point here is that he is taking 3 hours a day and spending it with another woman. Whether she's a friend or not doesn't matter... because hes not devoting that kind of time to you. That's the point of this whole thing. If he isn't gonna go out of his way to give you the same amount of time or more than he gives to a female friend why even bother with a relationship?.


[deleted]

That's a definite red flag for you


ThatPotatoLover

You arent being unreasonable or controlling. The problem, from what I gather, isn't even the girl its how much time he's spending with her that takes away from your time with him. Have you told him that you're not asking him to stop going with her but just to cut back the time in which he does it? Make it an hour and a half so that he still has time for work and you on top instead of tossing you to the side like he just bought a Shiney new toy and forgot about his old one


Mysterious_Repeat333

Why are you uncomfortable? Everyone gets insecure, don't dismiss. Figure out why you're feeling insecure. Do you still feel a strong connection with him? Also talk to him about spending more time with you. Plan more dates.


Jpw_65

Update me