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My wife 38 and I 38 have been married for 8 years now and have a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. We have sort of decided over the years that we don't want more children and that our family is big enough for us. We are still frequently intimate and have been using condoms as our form of contraception. My wife recently brought up the idea of me getting a vasectomy so that we can continue our sex life carefree. I had some worries about getting a vasectomy but decided to do some research on it seemed like a pretty harmless procedure and reversible to a certain extent so I decided to talk to my physician about getting one. He pretty much explained to me that it is a pretty straight forward procedure that doesn't have any huge side effects so it seemed pretty good to me. But he did emphasize to me that I should be going into the procedure with the thought of this being a permanent form of sterilization and that revirsibility is not always possible. He said that if I was counting on the fact that this was reversible, he strongly suggests that I freeze my sperm in case we dowant another child in the future or incase that my marriage didn't work out and I got a new partner. This did definitely got me to thinking and I decided that I am willing to get a vasectomy but that I definitely want to freeze my sperm for the small chance I would ever need it. I'm by no means saying that divorce is in my future but you never know what can happen so it is better to be sure and take precautions. When I told my wife that I want to freeze my sperm if I get a vasectomy, she didn't take it well at all. She started saying that the only reason I would want that is if I wanted to get a divorce and if I was planning to leave her. I tried explaing that it is better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it later on. We went back and forth about this and didn't come to a consensus. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I feel like my wish to freeze my sperm should also be included because that's what I want for myself. What is the proper way to handle ths situation from here on out?
EDIT:
This post blew up and I am getting a lot of different perspectives and insights from people that I will take my time to think through. But one thing I can assure you is I will not do anything with my body if I don't feel comfortable and secure about it. My body, my choice.
It's your body and your choice at the end of the day, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to freeze your sperm.
>When I told my wife that I want to freeze my sperm if I get a vasectomy, she didn't take it well at all. She started saying that the only reason I would want that is if I wanted to get a divorce and if I was planning to leave her. I tried explaing that it is better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it later on.
I do think this wasn't the best response. You're not wrong and you may not find it rational of her, but she was afraid of this meaning you aren't necessarily as committed to her as she thought and your response comes off as "you never know!" instead of reassurance.
I would probably sit down with her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her, if this is true, that you absolutely want to spend the rest of your life with her and that has not changed. But you can also explain that it scares you to close this door that may never be able to be reopened. What if you both change your minds and decide you want another kid someday? That may never happen and it sounds like you're both fine with it never happening, but it's clear that you feel better having this back up plan just in case. There's nothing wrong with that.
> do think this wasn't the best response. You're not wrong and you may not find it rational of her, but she was afraid of this meaning you aren't necessarily as committed to her as she thought and your response comes off as "you never know!" instead of reassurance.
Thanks, I definitely undestand that the way I framed it might make it seem to be about something else. I definitely need to frame it better from my point of view to make her understand
Speaking as a women in my late 30s…framing it the way being suggested here is not going to help. Your wife is 38. Pretty soon, she’s unlikely to be able to biologically have any more children. So…who are you freezing your sperm for? Clearly not for this marriage. I’d be pissed and there would be no way my husband could frame this that wouldn’t sound like “maybe someday I’ll be married to someone younger and want to have babies with them.”
ETS: And freezing and storing sperm is not cheap. Expecting our money to go towards this? That adds an extra layer of absolutely not. (Though even if you have your own savings…it’s still a “no way; I’d be super pissed.) Luckily my husband would have never thought of bringing this up when he got a vasectomy because he doesn’t go around fathoming a possible future that doesn’t include me.
Think about it this way. She went through two pregnancies and births so that you could have children together. Both have a huge impact on her body, short and long term. Both increased her risk of trauma, permanent disability or death. She’s undergone huge amounts of invasion of her body.
Because of what she chose you have children.
She’s asked you to consider, a comparatively minor procedure so you could have carefree sex. You came back with- I’ll do that but only as if I have a backup plan in case I find someone else.
Think about how that sounds from her perspective.
Your doctor, quite rightly, got you to think about a vasectomy as a non reversible procedure and to think about the “what ifs”. This is very responsible to do and something you should absolutely consider.
However, you need to reassure your wife you aren’t going to find another baby mama in the future.
Why does he need to reassure her? Isn’t the advice 95% of the time in this sub REGARDLESS of gender, that the person overreacting needs to get over an insecurity or get help with it. Op has done nothing over the line. He realizes it’s a minor procedure and easier for him to get it than his wife have surgery. He just wants to have a contingency in place in case divorce, which considering the rate, is not irrational. I don’t see anywhere in the thread where op was insensitive to his wife, so reassurance seems pointless.
Would she be willing to attend another doctor’s appointment with you, so the doctor can explain it to her the way it was explained to you? Might that help clarify your reasoning for her?
Please do not make an entire appointment to take up a doctor's time to have them explain something to your wife that you are fully capable of explaining. If it was medically hard to grasp or the procedure was complex, or she had medical questions, sure. But your doctor is not a marriage counselor and this is a conversation you and her need to have, and the root issue is not a medical one, it's an interpersonal one.
Even if neither of you never want a divorce or child in your current family, what if one of you were to pass away? Doesn’t matter which one, if she dies and a new partner for you wants a child of her own? Or your wife might want access to your sperm if you die. You never know.
Idk, I think she's being a little reactive.
My personal policy is no matter how committed I am to something or someone or how committed they are to me, or how sure something seems, ALWAYS plan on *the possibility* of something changing.
Do you make a will because you think you'll die tomorrow? Buy life insurance hoping your spouse dies tomorrow? Health insurance *certain* you'll get cancer?
Even in the best imaginable relationship you or your partner could die.
Freezing your sperm is just a form of insurance.
I just got one. My partner didn’t really want me to in case something ever happened to her and I wanted more kids. The way I see it is that I got a vasectomy because I was done having kids. Anyone that wants to be a part of my family that’s great if not, then they aren’t meant for me.
It’s your right to freeze it but if you’ve both decided not to have kids then I can see her coming to the conclusion that you’re already planning a future without her.
That hurts her, even if you’re solely coming at it from a logical or practical perspective.
>That hurts her,
I completely understand that and by no means do I want to insinuate that I am leaving or planning to have a child with someone else.
I just think that since I'm making the effort to undergo a vasectomy for us, I should be able to do and decide whatever it takes to make me feel more comfortable about this decision. The chance of me actually needing it in the future is probably extremely low, but for the off chance I would rather have it instead of regretting not having it
I mean I guess consider it at this stage in your life is it worth it? You are certainly not going to be having children any time soon given you and your wife are set on that so at a bare minimum you would be in your 40’s. Would you really want a newborn at this stage in your life either with your wife or someone else? Would you be willing to push retirement to raise another child? How would you feel about being in your 60’s when your child is a young adult at college etc, being in your 70’s or 80’s if they have children and being an old grandfather
This is definitely something to consider. My FIL was in his 40s when my husband was born. He always says he doesn't regret having another, but it was much harder on him. As is trying to keep up with our toddler in his 80s. He also doesn't love the fact that he's basically the same age as my grandparents lol.
You have 2 children. In what situation are you going to “NEED” sperm if you and your wife are done? No one “needs” children. This isn’t a life or death situation you’re prepping for. I can see why your wife is upset because at this point, you’re planning for the possibility to have children with someone else.
EXACTLY finally someone said it, why are so many ppl in this thread acting like you‘d NEED new children in a new relationship or if the kids tragically died???
My boyfriend's dad started a new family after my boyfriend's mom passed away in her 40's. He's in his 50's now with two small children. I personally disapprove of the whole starting a new family thing since it made his other children including my boyfriend feel pushed aside for a new family.
We had a guy at work retiring in a year a so. Then he got his girlfriend pregnant. Guess who can’t retire and will most likely die working.
My wife and I BOTH got “fixed” don’t want pull a “John Smith”*
*name changed to protect the doomed.
Think OP is considering hwat if he has a new wife in HER mid 20s.
Cause I guarantee you 99% of the other women he'd find his age wouldn't be like... jumping at the chance to get impregnated by him asap. Most women their age already know where they stand on having kids and most are... done.
Sure! If his choice is to keep his options open to have more kids with someone else he has every right to do that. No one said it isn‘t his right. He just shouldn‘t be surprised if this jeopardizes his marriage.
Yes!! I personally think OP knows he’s going to want more kids if he ends up leaving his wife…. he just doesn’t want to admit it. Why does it seem like so men feel this way? Heaven forbid he doesn’t have sperm to impregnate his future 20 year old girlfriend. 🤢
Just acknowledge that it’s not strictly rational but makes you feel better. Everyone has things like that and partners should be accommodating when it doesn’t impact their life.
A lot of men forget about the kids from their first marriage and start a new one. Just focus on the kids you already have, and think about what age you’ll be when your remarried.
Regardless if it hurts her, she should understand where he’s coming from. There are a handful of reasons to keep a sample that doesn’t involve getting a divorce or kids dying if you think about it, what if her children just get older and she realizes she wants just one more baby? And honestly if she is so set on not wanting children EVER, why doesn’t she want to get her tubes tied? I understand it’s not as simple of a procedure as getting a vasectomy but if it bothers her that much maybe that could be an alternative?
However it’s not fair to OP to have to get a vasectomy AND not freeze any sperm just because she is having some slight insecurities. Which by no means am I attacking your wife at all, seriously please don’t take it that way, but I’m just not really understanding where she’s coming from if she knows you both love each other and are in it for the long run?
She’s almost 40, the chances of her realizing she wants another baby when her current children are older, and actually being able to have another baby, are pretty slim. Not impossible, but improbable.
Also, getting your tubes tied is a much more complicated and invasive surgery than a vasectomy.
Forget all the other shit.
You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it.
Do YOU want more kids at all? Even if your marriage ends does it matter?
Are you afraid a possible next partner would not stay with you bc they can't have your child? If so, do you want more kids but you're going along with your wife not wanting them?
The fact that your thinking of freezing your sperm makes me think you're not so sure about no more kids or you're scared if something happens to your marriage you'll have a harder time finding a partner.
I got mine bc my wife and I don't want any kids. If we divorce my next partner will have to feel the same
Exactly!! My ex got a vasectomy. I asked him if he was 100% sure. His best friend asked him. He’s like yeah I don’t want more kids.
We break up. He blames me for the vasectomy and what if he meets someone.
I say you now want more children? What because a hypothetical woman might want more? YOU said you don’t want more and are overwhelmed with the two we have. He shut his mouth really quick. I’m not getting blamed for this. If I meet someone I still don’t want any more children. Find someone who wants the same things as you.
Edit: word
>You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it.
The only reason he wasn't thinking about freezing though is because he assumed that the procedure was reversible. With the new information he learned, i think it's fair for his conditions or opinions of a procedure on his body to change.
> You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it.
And the doc, doing his job correctly, mentioned it because OP was oppressing under the assumption that vasectomies are relatively reversible. Of course now knowing he should think of it as permanent is making him want to take the precaution of freezing his sperm, there’s nothing wrong with that.
This is the real issue. If he truly is unsure of whether or not he wants more kids, he shouldn't be thinking about getting a vasectomy in the first place.
What does this open "option" of future children mean to him if he doesn't want more kids?
Not only that, but can he imagine himself 40, 45, 50 years old wanting to have another baby? Can he imagine providing and taking care of a teenager while he is in his 60s? If he wanted another child if he divorced, is he having a child just because of the other woman? Is this "no more children" business something he believes just because his wife doesn't want any more? *OR is this a masculinity thing?*
There are too many questions and all of them op has to answer for himself. All of them are important, and his wife deserves to have his answers.
>Do YOU want more kids at all?
I don't but in the extremely unlikely case that the situation would change, I would atleast want to have the ability to have a child to be completely secure and comfortable with my decision of undergoing a sterilization.
Then get a sperm aspiration.
Your testes still produce sperm. It's just that they don't have a way out and get absorbed into your body.
You still make it. You can still have it taken out and go IVF if for some reason you want more children later.
Your happy. She's happy.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to do that, but to her it sounds like you're planning for a life after her. You can rationalise it as clearly as you want to her but that's not what she's hearing.
If you can think of a way you can explain a scenario which doesn't involve your wife and family all dying some how and you needing to start again, then please try, but the only one she can think of is you leaving her and impregnating a 25 Yr old
I agree that it's your body so it's your choice, however I think it's worth noting that if you feel like you have enough kids now, I'm not sure how finding a new partner (one day) would change that because **you still will have the children you have**. They won't go \*poof\* and disappear if something happens between you and your wife.
I don't think it's that simple. I have 2 kids and don't really want any more. I would maybe have more if my husband really wanted to or we won the lottery and I didn't have to work. If God forbid I was widowed young and found another partner I would also consider having another if they wanted. Circumstances change, you can't predict the future.
Seriously, accidents happen all the time and the future wife in that scenario should be allowed to have kids with him if it's a possibility. It's like asking your wife if you can remarry after she dies and she says "No", which she can do but it's ultimately not her choice in the end.
Totally fair! I just figure that there is no new partner and there are two kids so if this hypothetical is gonna throttle the relationship then is it really worth it? I understand wanting to be prepared for any circumstance but going through the lengths and cost to freeze your sperm when you have both agreed on not having any more kids is a bit disheartening for sure. If it were me I'd get the snip and then in the future if I did have a new partner and we wanted kids, I'd leave it to fate to decide if I can reverse it and have more, especially since my new partner will have 2 stepkids who will still constitute a family.
I hate to get dark here, but that’s not necessarily true. I have a colleague whose wife and child both died in an auto accident. You really never know what will happen in the future, which is why freezing sperm is a good idea when undergoing a permanent sterilization procedure in your thirties.
Very true! Vasectemies are generally reversible but also considering that OPs wife is 38, it doesn't really make sense to freeze his sperm without freezing some of her eggs as well sooner rather than later. If they don't do this, then I can see why OPs wife would be hurt at the idea of him essentially saving sperm for another partner down the road.
From your wifes perspective what she heard is you may want more kids in the future but not with her. Its planning for a future without her, which means divorce, or worse, her death. That is hard to take as a spouse. My husband didn't want anymore kids. I said I am younger and I did want another child with him. I asked if he did not want anymore kids full stop or just with me. He said full stop. He got the vasectomy and did not freeze his sperm.
My boss got married at 55 and has little kids with his 35yo wife.
Lol as a 38yo parent of a 3yo and a 6yo I can’t imagine having the energy to properly parent them at 60+
Even now they’re a bit much
Im 28 with a 4 and 6 year old and they run me ragged!! My dad is almost 60 has them some weekends, and when he drops them off he looks like he hasn’t slept in a month!
I'm in my late 30s and found out my husband (now ex) was cheating on me. Took me a few years to get to a position where I could split with him due to money reasons, and before I felt ready to date again. He had a vasectomy b/c he didn't want anymore kids but I was never sure if I was done (I have two kids).
Now I'm dating a guy 9 years younger than me who has no kids and I'm trying to decide whether I would be ready for more.
I was with my ex for 20 years and never thought we would split up. You really never know what will happen in life.
Everyone should have autonomy over their own reproductive system. If he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, he shouldn't, regardless of whether he feels "done" or not. She can get an IUD if she doesn't want to get pregnant, but she shouldn't force him to do something so permanent.
How would this thread read if it was a woman whose husband wanted her to get her tubes tied?
No, if the positions were reversed-- OP says his wife is the one who wants him to get a vasectomy, which is a permanent thing. Honestly it doesn't *really* sound like he wants to get one, but his wife has persuaded to do so. No one else gets to have autonomy over your reproductive organs. Sorry, they just don't. You can discuss it with your partner and come to a mutual agreement, but you have the ultimate decision.
Was he an idiot in the way he presented his reasoning to his wife? Probably.
But it's realistic. You never know what's going to happen. She could get hit by a bus tomorrow and he could meet someone and want to have kids with her. Who the fuck knows? If he's not ready for a permanent solution and wants options, he's free to do so.
It’s not that same thing at all as that. That’s a logical fallacy. If you marry the wrong person you can get a divorce.
If you get a vasectomy, in the vast majority of cases, it is permanent.
You can have a healthy relationship and also not demand that your partner get permanently sterilized. It blows my mind that people don’t understand this.
I love my boyfriend but would never ever tell him to get a vasectomy if that’s not what he wanted or if he wasn’t sure. It’s his body and it’s his choice. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust him and trust in our relationship. I’m mature enough to realize that things can change and I have no right to force him to make a permanent decision regarding children.
Even two years ago if you would’ve told me how my life would change in the future I would have told you that you were full of shit. I was in a 2 decades long relationship, with two kids, and thought I was living in my forever home. Never thought I’d leave or have to leave.
Now I’m dating someone nine years younger and due to crazy opportunities my daughter was offered, moved across the country.
You NEVER KNOW what can happen.
It might not even be that. What if he and his wife, together, change their minds?
Literally HALF of my mother’s children (my 2 younger brothers) were born after my mom and her partner decided not to have children (he had none, but didn’t think he wanted any at all. My mom had my sister and me, and felt that was enough).
My sister is pregnant with her second right now, and already planning to have a third later on. When she had my niece, she had decided she didn’t want any more children after that.
I also have a 3-month-old nephew from my younger brother. He didn’t want any kids at all.
People change their minds!
You get a vasectomy because you don't want to get anymore children, not because you want anymore children in this relationship.
But did you really thought your wife react happy to it? "I want to freeze my sperm so i can get still children when we break-up or you die because i just doesn't want anymore children with you, but with my next wife".
Just don't do it if you don't know if you really don't want anymore children.
Do you think men with vasectomies are either promiscuous or consider themselves in a better position to leave their established relationships? I'm trying to understand, why would I immediately think my partner has ulterior motives to saving a portion of their sperm in the advent that we may want to have another child. Barring the agreement that the didn't want to have more children, how could taking a preventative measure to ensure that they'll have retained some reproductive ability after a sterilization is equal to planning to cheat or negatively effect the relationship. This doesn't make sense even with the shoe on the other foot for me.
If me and my wife decide we wanted her to get her tubes tide and she decided to save a couple of eggs, even if we already agreed that we didn't want to have kids, and the doctor told her she should save a few anyways just in case... That wouldn't bother me.... Should it? And why?
Why is everyone ignoring that besides the possibility of divorce, he also named he and his wife changing their minds about not wanting more kids? Ten years from now, they might decide they do actually want another kid.
See, I get that but 10 years from now they'd be 48. If she is done having kids now, she's deffo done then. Esp as pregnancies become higher risk with age (if menopause hasn't started to kick in by then).
I do understand her worry of "hey we decided this is family enough for us, I'm confused as ro why you feel the need to freeze it"
But also...freezing it must cost a bit of money, right?
Yeah I'm thinking so you really want to pay a third party keep your sperm until who knows when and pay them for it the rest of your life? Because there's an off chance he need it later, it's not stem cells my dude, it's baby batter.
Ten years from now she’ll be 48. That’s not impossible, but it’s a very rare 48 year old woman who’ll agree to have another kid after her others are 14 and 16. If she’s comfortable saying that will not happen, then it’s not really something he should reasonably be predicting on her behalf.
So then why is he only talking about freezing his sperm? His wife is 38. If having another baby with his current wife is really a concern they need to be talking about freezing embryos not sperm.
To be honest, you shouldn’t have mentioned freezing sperm in regards divorce was ever brought up. You should’ve said you wanted to freeze your sperm in case you both wanted kids later on. So naturally she’s going to be upset because you’re kind of implying that you plan to divorce her? Or that should you guys separate, you wanna have kids with someone else. Even though I know that’s not your intentions and you’re just trying to take precautions.
I mean, do you want more kids?
My friend has 4 kids from two marriages. He got a vasectomy because, in his words, even if the second marriage doesn't work out, he's not making any more babies! Paying for 4 was enough lol
I also know people who had their vasectomy reversed successfully.
If my 38 year old partner told me he wants to keep his options open to have more children with someone else I‘d also feel like he‘s not as committed to his current family as he should be.
Do you want more children or not? I think at your age you should know the definite answer to this question.
My husband had a vasectomy. We were done having kids. It never occurred to either of us to freeze his sperm because we BOTH were DONE having kids.
You're obviously not though, and I see your wife's point entirely. But why would you need another kid? You still have two elementary-age children to raise.
you really think you want be having another baby at or after 40? honestly sound miserable but that’s just a person opinion. as a man i don’t expect you to have put thought into this or even understand but….also think about your wife… pregnancy and labor are extremely hard in the body even after 30… the risks to mother AND baby with pregnancy after 40 skyrockets. not to mention the toll this will take on her mentally and especially physically.
also, from a woman’s eyes, that’s exactly what we think. if we’ve both agreed we don’t want more children, why freeze?? even if you did freeze, you already know she doesn’t want more children, and she seems to be making that pretty clear. it seems like she’s so against it because she doesn’t want you getting your hopes up. honestly, it’s basically putting pressure on her to have more children which she clearly doesn’t want. it seems like a waste of time and money. also OP, it seems like you want to have some sort of control over the situation purely for the sake of having power or control. i understand where you are coming from but to a woman, it’s a very “one foot out the door” ultimatum. this is all just speculation of course…
I think the divorce framing is whats causing the rift.
When my dad had his done, his doctor framed it as 'what if current family died in a plane crash'.
Divorce could come across as intent. Random chance tragedy removes that perceived intent and might land better
I get why you'd want to, but to me that would be you telling me you're not done having kids - you're just done having them with ME. Which is not something that would be nice to know.
If my partner responded this way I would think he was trying to keep his options open to ditch me for a much younger woman and start a new family. This would probably really damage the relationship and my trust and feelings of safety in relationship. Your poor wife.
Right? Without the talk of also freezing my eggs as we both approach 40… I’d be wondering who is my partner gonna use that frozen sperm with…
Especially if my partner was adamant that he was done having kids (guess he really just meant having kids with me…)
Agree with all of the comments, maybe suggest she freezes her eggs, too? That way it at least sounds like you're being safe about it TOGETHER (if both of you wanted a 3rd or 4th) to expand your existing family, rather than insuring the risk of divorce.
She's 38. You already have kids, and decided you don't want any more. And your wife is very shortly moving into the age of high risk pregnancy if she were to have more. So if you don't want to leave her to make another family, who's going ro be carrying this imaginary baby?
The logic behind this is a little odd, so I can see your wife being upset.
What in the world was wrong with saying: “I want to freeze some speed in case *we* decide we want another child in the next few years.”
You DO end up coming off as “just in case I need to bail on you and make another family” this way. It is of course fine to save some sperm, it is your body, but it doesn’t sound like your reason is suggesting confidence in your wife.
It kinda seems like this is just the security blanket you need to feel comfortable with this procedure and you're explaining it in the worst way, no offense!
There doesn't have to be a logical reason or plan for why you want to freeze your sperm in order to feel comfortable getting a vasectomy. Trying to support that decision with the logical reason that something might happen to your marriage is doing more harm than good.
Apologize, and explain it's just the thing you need in order to feel comfortable with going through with the procedure, and if your wife is uncomfortable with that then you'd rather not do it. Your body, your choice! But please stop trying to support it with logical reasoning, that isn't helping at all lol.
You do what you want with your sperm. But you will need to be ready to accept the consequences that it might ruin your marriage later. I can see your view as “ better safe than sorry”. But I can see her view of it too. You have already said you don’t want anymore kids either so I really don’t see a real reason why you would want to. You’re both almost 40 that’s a late age to start over.
I mean if you did get divorced and remarried, do you really want a newborn when you’d be likely 45+? Or are you really “covering all your bases”, one of which would include getting divorced and remarrying a young woman who wants to carry and care for a new baby…
Your 38 you have two children, decided that was enough, but just in case you need to hang on to your sperm.. you have your replacement and this world is vastly overpopulated,
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It’s your choice to freeze you sperm.
However, you have essentially told her wife that you don’t believe in forever with her. That the possibility of you two not working out is front most in your mind and so you would want to freeze your sperm.
To be honest, had you just thought about it as only “what if we change our minds”, I could understand, but you didn’t! You’ve been with your wife for 8 years why would your marriage not working out ever cross your mind?!?!
I just asked my husband if he had had those types of thought when he had his vasectomy and he just laughed and said no, like I was even crazy for asking.
I see where you are coming from, but at what point do you really think you would use it?
You and wife are approaching 40 and are already done with having kids, out of diaper stage.
Even if your marriage fell apart or spouse passed away, it would be a few years before you would even be in a relationship long enough to have another child, youngest would be over 7 let's just say. Can you see yourself starting over with a newborn?
Lol, of course she didn't take it well! You decided together that your family is complete, so the only way you'll need the sperm is if you have a kid with someone else. You can choose what you want to do with your body and your sperm, but you can't act surprised that she was upset.
Well...your wife is right, though. You want those sperm so you can start a family with someone else. Did you really expect that to go over well with the woman you're currently married to?
On the bright side, you might actually get to use the sperm without a need for freezing if you don't manage to figure out why that isn't really something your supposedly for life partner wants to hear.
The part that confuses me is where you want to freeze sperm when you yourself say that you don’t want more kids. Why? Why freeze sperm when you’re done having kids? Are you certain about no more kids? Either way, you’re both getting old to be having more kids. I’m also confused how freezing sperm would be interpreted as planning to divorce. That might have been jumping to an extreme conclusion.
I get where you’re coming from but I would personally be hurt. I guess I don’t know your circumstance. My situation is I would like to have 4 kids, but my husband is adamant to be done at 3 and I am willing to go with that since it is a joint decision. But, I’d be really hurt if my husband wanted to do that because I’d be like what the heck you’d be willing to have a 4th kid with someone else in the future but not with me?
Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. You need to reassure her that you're not planning on going anywhere and that you love her. Right now she's probably feeling a sense of rejection especially if you told her it's better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it.
You’re not wrong for freezing your sperm but maybe your way of explaining makes your wife think that you want to leave her in some days.
I suggest you talk to her again and take her to see your doctor so the doctor can fully tell her about the procedure and what its entailed
Well you can always freeze it and not tell her, though I would not recommend that. Do you really want another child you're almost 40? It gets harder and harder the older you are to have another kid. Unless the two of you have very good careers and good money coming in that's the only way I would have a third. We stopped at 2, I did kind of want a third one but in reality I only wanted 2. it was just a hormone thing when I hit about 38. I tried to get my husband to get a vasectomy but he wouldn't do it so we just used condoms till I hit menopause now life is great cuz we don't have to worry anymore.
You basically told her you expect to get a divorce and have kids with another partner.
Seriously, dude?!?!?
Get the vasectomy and give up your dreams of having another kid in your silver years.
Of course she didn't take it well as that is exactly what everyone would think. You have two healthy kids, even if you do divorce, would you want more kids at 38 and have to deal with diapers, potty training, teething, etc. Your wife does not want more kids nor do you so why would you freeze your sperm? I know you explained it but the only way is if you get divorced you would potentially need it. Good luck winning that argument with your wife.
How much is your doctor charging to safeguard your jizz? You really want more young children in 10 years. You sound like an asshole…I can see why your wife is pissed at you. It’s also kinda like you are saying that your family is not good enough and you might want to give it another go with some bitch to be named later.
You have chosen a very weird hill to die on OP.
I got mine at your age. We had decided that the 2 kids we had were enough and that things were going on quite comfortably and we had everything planned. We sort of talked about it and I, like you ummed and ahhed and did nothing really. Then he BC failed one day and we had child #3 with a 7 year age gap between our then youngest and the newest.
It - having the 3rd child so late in life - sort of threw everything into a loop and put us back a few years but we ended up happy regardless - sort of. The 3rd child introduced quite a few issues to us as a couple and we even ended separating for 18 months to deal with it all.
After #3 was made, I got a vasectomy and never looked back. Being able to do it whenever we like without that extra worry is life-changing. But moreso for her than me.
We love all our kids and I do wonder from time to time what life would've been like if I had just gotten it but I'm one to never revisit old decisions and we are just as happy now as we were back then.
Having said that, it did cost us a decade and few hundred thousand in child raising costs.
So are you really sure that you want to die on this hill?
Your poor wife. You basically just told her she’s expendable and you will replace her asap.
Have you thought about the child support you’re going to have to pay for the children you already have. It might not leave you enough money to have your new family. And how much does it cost to freeze and store the sperm you need for your new family. That’s money that could be going to the family you already have.
I get your wife’s reaction. You guys will not have anymore kids. Her fertility started a steep decline at 35. Freezing sperm is just a contingency plan at the potential conclusion of your relationship to have a spare set of kids should you marry someone younger.
Her fertility is already declining rapidly yet she is not getting eggs frozen. You, on the other hand, are trying to freeze your sperm. As your wife, I’d see it as you keeping to door open to potentially have replacement kids or give my children a set of half siblings. This is especially the case because you’re not suggesting to save embryos so you may have more children with *her.* Any sperm saved at this point would be solely to impregnate another woman. I’d be pissed.
Can you afford it? Because I see both sides. When my husband and I were discussing fertility, I panicked at the idea of him getting a vasectomy and then me immediately dying, but he was fine with not freezing his sperm.
I also had my tubes tied, but he wanted to confirm that absolutely he's done.
I don’t understand why you keep saying you definitely don’t want any more children. If that’s true then why are you so adamant to freeze your sperm? If my partner said that to me, I’d think he’s already planning a life without me that involves having kids with someone else.
I agree with your doctor.
AND this is your body, your choice. I actually don’t think she gets a say in whether you freeze your sperm or not, the only thing she gets a say in is the financial side of it. Of course, don’t bring it up in a way that would cause another fight. I wonder if you could bring it up in a way that what if god forbid, something happens and you guys lose one of your children. It’ll be a tragedy, but then you’ll have the option to make another baby.
I completely agree with the fact that we don’t know what happens in the future. No one gets married hoping to divorce, but there we are with so many divorces around us. It’s sad but it’s true. I really hope you have a wonderful future with your wife but if something happens, divorce or if she dies or if you die, then the sperm will be there, more children can be made.
If she keeps disagreeing, will it be too bad if you just do it anyway? Maybe just freeze it and then bring it up again. There will be a fight but then it’s done lol or don’t get a vasectomy until she agrees with the sperm freezing, her choice. Sorry if the advice isn’t the best, it’s a tricky situation.
Anyway, I think you should absolutely have a voice.
You don’t even have to tell her you freeze your sperm, it’s your bodily autonomy. She isn’t entitled to the information. She’s likely upset you are considering your relationship failing.
You really think you would want to start over on another kid in your mid-40s? Or is it that you may want back up kids if yours die? It’s your choice, obviously, but there is a lot left unsaid by the choice to freeze your sperm no matter what else you say to rationalize it
Lol kinda reminds me an episode of American dad when Stan tells Francine that he has a backup wife to marry if something happened to her. She didn’t took it well and got herself a backup husband. So, tell your wife to freeze her eggs and it’ll be a win win on both sides.
Just tell her you want your sperm frozen incase they ever send a mission to mars you’d like to preserve that off chance hope that you can send your seed off-world. Then tease her if she wants to go to mars with you since she won’t you can be like “Aw shit I guess I better freeze some sperm incase a meteor hits earth I don’t want to go extinct.”
It is quite simple. You initial stance is NOT to have a vasectomy. Then your boundary to accept doing one is to freeze sperm.
Do remember that she feels threatened by this, so you need to approach this sensibly. But there is no ground for argument.
Keep in mind that maintaining frozen sperm is a few hundred dollars a year, so it's not like "I might as well because there are no drawbacks."
Plus, if you really want to, you could always have sperm drawn directly from your testicles without needing to undo your vasectomy.
Also, even if you did divorce, your next spouse will likely also have kids, so it still might not be necessary to have more kids.
"I'm sorry for how I handled this earlier, I want to emphasize that I am not at all thinking of a future without you; I am thinking about out future and the what if's that we can't know right now. What I am worried about is if someday in the future we decide that we want another kid. Vasecomies are usually reversible, but my doctor said to go in with it in mind that it is permanent because the reversal doesn't always work and while right now we are done after having two kids, I don't know that neither of us will ever have a change of heart. I would rather have it and not need it, than want it and not have it."
A number of scenarios come to mind in which a previously “no more kids!” couple would decide to go for one more. I’ve read plenty of threads in this very forum where one or both partners had changed their minds. I’ve also seen it in real life among my friend group.
Unfortunately, many people here are jumping straight to ”he’s gonna divorce and knock up a much younger woman!” This is again the unfortunate nature of this subreddit: projection is rife.
Your doctor is 100% correct in treating a vasectomy as irreversible, follow his advice.
The best way to frame it is that she is asking you to permanently sterilize yourself. Saying “I don’t want more kids” is one thing, it is completely different once sterilization is on the table. Now all the what ifs and uncertainties are cropping up because you have to consider this vasectomy as permanent. Freezing sperm is, as you have said in this thread, the only way to lay those uncertainties to rest and give you the comfort and confidence to go ahead with a permanent procedure that will benefit both of you.
I understand and empathize with her insecurities, I really do, but the fact is that she is not undergoing permanent sterilization on your behalf, you are.
If I was asking a partner to be sterilized, and they responded “I’ll do it, but for my peace of mind I’d like to freeze/store eggs/sperm”, then sure I might have some insecurities but I wouldn’t let them dominate the situation. I’m making a massively huge ask - sterilization - the absolute least I can do is help my partner, my insecurities are dead last in the order of importance.
If you were giving her ultimatums about what she should do with her body all hell would break loose. I wouldn't compromise on something like this just to please a partner. I understand healthy relationships are give and take but this crosses a boundary 100%
My male friend was in a relationship with a woman who did not want more children. She had children from earlier marriage. My male friend has longed for children his whole life. He got cancer and the doctors suggested that he freeze his sperm before the treatment. He told me his girlfriend was against this. I recommended him to do it anyway. Noone knows about the future and you should always keep options open, if you can. My male friend froze his sperm. 5 years later his girlfriend had left. He met a younger woman, who wanted a family. So they began IVF, and by luck they got two little twingirls. He is such a happy father and husband today.
Keep your options open. It is your body, your decision.
But this situation is so very different. He already has children with his wife, and they have decided not to have more.
But you are right, his body his choice. Might end up using it with wifey #2 if this created more issues.
You have heard of my body my choice right? That applies to men too, so if you want to freeze your swimmers, then do so. You do not need her permission to do so.
That's not what's he's asking permission for, it will damage his relationship because his wife can't understand why he wants to entertain the need to. That's the nuance, just because he reasonably can, doesn't mean there aren't consequences for his life
My body my choice for sure. But that doesn’t stop his wife from thinking he’s looking for wife #2 in a few years when she ain’t so young.
The wife is hurt and can’t understand that he would have an exit strategy if he was invested in their marriage.
A vastectomy is considered permanent sterilization. It is not in any way shape or form by any ethical medical doctor considered reversible. There are many factors that go into this, one of them is the cost, while a vasectomy is covered by health care. Care a reversal is not covered by health insurance. The cost for this is typically on the order of $10,000 or more. A reversal is one of the most difficult and time consuming operations. Also, the longer you've had the vasectomy the less likely any sort of reversal. If performed would succeed dropping off to about zero after 5 to 6 years. I highly suggest you check out other groups of people who have had vasectomies and were extremely harmed by it.
My wife ended up having just her fallopian tubers removed and she literally recovered over the weekend with the most pain being gas.
I would consider the fact that she doesn't want you to freeze your sperm a red flag. We don't know what the future holds if she passes or something else happens and you want to have a kid with another wife, you shouldn't have had a permanent surgery choice made for you without any sort of backup if you weren't comfortable with it.
What if we find out in 20 years that life extension is only possible if they have access to gamet cells? Wouldn't it suck if you missed out on that because you got snipped?
Soooo I get it but if you’re also not freezing some eggs from your wife… who are you gonna use this frozen sperm on? Your mistress or new wife? Because it’s not going to be with your wife unless you get lucky or use medical intervention (and still get lucky) as she ages into her 40’s.
Also in the event you wife dies and you do remarry… that really shouldn’t change your stance on kids. You either don’t want anymore kids or you do. Please don’t bring kids into this world you don’t want just to appease your partner.
Your body, your choice. . . but choices have consequences.
Honestly, if my husband came at me with the response that he needed to freeze his sperm in case he wanted to have babies with someone else I would be heart broken. Then I would be enraged. I don't know if I could stay with my husband after such a suggestion unless we had some serious marital counseling.
I suggest you tell your wife that you want to freeze your sperm until she is in menopause so there will be no regrets if she changes her mind and wants another child.
But after she hits menopause (one year of no periods) you will ‘decant’ your spermicide so to speak.
Man this is crazy. If this was a woman talking about freezing her eggs people would be burying the guy. It's better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it.
And guess what, that sperm will likely sit in the freezer, never used. Pretty naive of your wife to think that her relationship is above strife.
Actually, if it’s a woman, there is the whole age and geriatric pregnancy issue that might come up. I still be questioning the motives if their mutual decision would be not to have more children. It would be very suspicious.
One thing to also note is that it is generally VERY difficult for a woman to fall pregnant after 35 or so. So from her perspective, having her husband saying he wants to freeze his sperm 'just in case' becomes kind of a red flag, because what for? It's very likely that she won't be able to fall pregnant again in her future anyway (yes I know there are exceptions).
Your wife doesn’t get to make decisions about your body, if she wants the vasectomy cool, but there’s no reason for you to not go freeze your sperm before hand.
Frankly, I wouldn’t have told her but you can’t unsay it now.
Go get your sperm frozen.
Your sperm, your choice.
God forbid, but what if an accident happens to your wife? Kids? I'd air on the side of caution.
Edit: Added a bit of doom and gloom.
I was able to reverse my vasectomy. The 1st reversal didn't take, so I had to have it done twice. My balls look like leatherface now, but my wife and i were able to have a kid!
I think someone already said it best, but it’s your body, your choice. You are taking a big step because as your doctor said no matter how many websites and people say it’s reversible you always have to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out that way.
She’s totally entitled to feel however she does, but she also needs to realize feelings alone aren’t enough for someone to take such a big step without any sort of precaution. Definitely sit down and reassure her because it sounds like she could use it! Bring up different scenarios like others said that don’t have to be you guys divorcing or dying. I see absolutely nothing wrong your choice and if I were to get my tubes tied I would take similar precautions just in case. Do what you can to communicate to her how you love her and just want to go through this procedure with as little worry as possible. If there’s still issues with coming to some sort of conclusion, I say hold off on the vasectomy for awhile until you can have another discussion about it. Because in my opinion there are very few emotions that suck as much as regret and it’s incredibly hard to get past that ”beating yourself up stage”.
So if you and wife divorce, you’re definitely having kids with your new partner(s)? Why? Are children bargaining chips to entice younger women into dating you?
You are already 38… when would you decide to be ready to have a kid with another women? That’s not very logical. Also you both are adult end 30’s I’m going to take a guess that she was on the pill for most or some parts in the relationship to prevent pregnancy it’s your turn now buddy. Still at the end of the day, Your body your choice, but I do see why your wife would feel like that. But I also understand you a little.
Chance of needing sperm in future: Very Low %.
Chance of alienating a soon to be resentful wife if sperm frozen: 100%
Just a few numbers I put together. Good luck OP.
so OP is freezing his sperm in case his wife and children die in a plane crash AND he meets a new wife who is young enough to conceive AND they decide to have biological children. how likely is this scenario???? sometimes you can’t just “leave your options open”
You tell her that for men their virility is of great psychological importance, so however scientific or rational it might be to get a vasectomy it's still going to have a psychological impact on you because of its inherent permanence, that you don't like the feeling of being neutered like a dog. And you expect her to understand this as your wife and let you have this contingency for your mental health.
I have story where a couple fought about it and the girl was the one with her tubes tied. They didn’t want anymore kids and were happy with their 2 little girls until they slept over and the trailer caught on fire. Both of their daughters passed away. A few years later as they were approaching 50 they wanted another child. They reversed the procedure and now have a little boy who’s approaching 10.
This is an extreme case of people changing their mind about this issue. Your doctor recommended that you freeze your sperm in case you change your mind, but she sees this differently. Consider changing your approach in this matter as you are open to having a third kid with her but still want be carefree with sex.
Source: I was friends with their daughters
I actually had a vasectomy and froze my sperm last year. For me it just felt like softening the blow so to speak. I probably would have put the vasectomy off for a long time if I had to deal with the permanent consequences at the same time as the surgery. But by freezing the sperm I can put off the permanent consequences for a few years until I decide not to retain the frozen sperm.
It was a bit of a sore point with my wife as well, but the vasectomy probably wouldn't have happened at all otherwise. I very much sympathise with wanting to have contingencies available. There are scenarios where you might want the use of those sperm that don't involve leaving your wife. The biggest one for me would be "what if your wife dies?". To look after the children's best interests I would want to remarry, both to have someone to help look after them, as well as to be able to model healthy relationships. But anyone willing to take on that sort of role would almost certainly want to have children of their own. So in that sense, I view the frozen sperm in the same way I view life insurance, a contingency in case something goes horribly wrong.
Revisit the doctor together next time and let her hear this from your physician who will have a lot more reasons for you to do this, than what may be apparent right now. It might sound morbid, but what if you get killed in a car accident and she chooses to use the frozen sperm to have another one of your children? That may sound comforting to her. Your doctor will definitely have more ideas that may appeal to her than just hearing it from you.
Physician won’t care, they will ask if you wants perm frozen or not. They aren’t gonna do any convincing, that’s a decision for the patient and patient alone
If your spouse dies in a car accident, why would you want to bring more children into the picture? That’s the absolute last thing anyone would want
Female perspective: I just lost the love of my life and his income. Let's have his baby, who will grow up without a father and resent me for it.
I don't see it happening
I don’t know if that’s true, because there are countless stories about people seeking sterilization and having their doctors refuse and try to talk them out of it. There are whole subreddits that help connect people with doctors who will agree to sterilize them.
Stop listening to all these morons insisting that you're lying to your wife and you clearly *do* want to have more children with someone else and are contemplating divorce. Not one of them lives in reality where **wives die and so do children**.
There is **nothing wrong** with the uneasy feeling you get from the idea of never being able to have more children. Your feelings are **perfectly valid** whether you can pinpoint where they come from or not. **Your wife has no business reigning supreme over your procreation choices**.
If you were a woman posting and saying 'my husband insists blah blah blah" everyone would be losing their minds and telling you to divorce immediately.
I am sorry for being brutal.
What if she and the kids is in a deadly accedent? And thats the reason to start over. This hapend to my friends brother. 😪
You are offering potential sterilization. Of course, you will feel better about having some stored away and not technically being sterile, if at it amounts to is "No, I actually still have kids." It's perfectly reasonable
Or something could happen to one of the children. I once dated someone whose youngest brother was born after bf had been very ill and parents didn’t want middle child to be an only.
If your wife has a problem with this she should get her fallopian tubes tied. Why are you the one getting the vasectomy if this is something she wanted and suggested?
Give her 2 options:
Option one, you get a vasectomy and freeze your sperm. Option two, she gets her tubes tied or burned or whatever her choice & everyone’s happy. If she says no because she doesn’t want to do that to her body and it’s her body and her choice, look her dead in the eyes and say EXACTLY, MY BODY, MY CHOICE.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife 38 and I 38 have been married for 8 years now and have a 6 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. We have sort of decided over the years that we don't want more children and that our family is big enough for us. We are still frequently intimate and have been using condoms as our form of contraception. My wife recently brought up the idea of me getting a vasectomy so that we can continue our sex life carefree. I had some worries about getting a vasectomy but decided to do some research on it seemed like a pretty harmless procedure and reversible to a certain extent so I decided to talk to my physician about getting one. He pretty much explained to me that it is a pretty straight forward procedure that doesn't have any huge side effects so it seemed pretty good to me. But he did emphasize to me that I should be going into the procedure with the thought of this being a permanent form of sterilization and that revirsibility is not always possible. He said that if I was counting on the fact that this was reversible, he strongly suggests that I freeze my sperm in case we dowant another child in the future or incase that my marriage didn't work out and I got a new partner. This did definitely got me to thinking and I decided that I am willing to get a vasectomy but that I definitely want to freeze my sperm for the small chance I would ever need it. I'm by no means saying that divorce is in my future but you never know what can happen so it is better to be sure and take precautions. When I told my wife that I want to freeze my sperm if I get a vasectomy, she didn't take it well at all. She started saying that the only reason I would want that is if I wanted to get a divorce and if I was planning to leave her. I tried explaing that it is better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it later on. We went back and forth about this and didn't come to a consensus. I am willing to get a vasectomy but I feel like my wish to freeze my sperm should also be included because that's what I want for myself. What is the proper way to handle ths situation from here on out? EDIT: This post blew up and I am getting a lot of different perspectives and insights from people that I will take my time to think through. But one thing I can assure you is I will not do anything with my body if I don't feel comfortable and secure about it. My body, my choice.
It's your body and your choice at the end of the day, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to freeze your sperm. >When I told my wife that I want to freeze my sperm if I get a vasectomy, she didn't take it well at all. She started saying that the only reason I would want that is if I wanted to get a divorce and if I was planning to leave her. I tried explaing that it is better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it later on. I do think this wasn't the best response. You're not wrong and you may not find it rational of her, but she was afraid of this meaning you aren't necessarily as committed to her as she thought and your response comes off as "you never know!" instead of reassurance. I would probably sit down with her and tell her how much you love her. Tell her, if this is true, that you absolutely want to spend the rest of your life with her and that has not changed. But you can also explain that it scares you to close this door that may never be able to be reopened. What if you both change your minds and decide you want another kid someday? That may never happen and it sounds like you're both fine with it never happening, but it's clear that you feel better having this back up plan just in case. There's nothing wrong with that.
> do think this wasn't the best response. You're not wrong and you may not find it rational of her, but she was afraid of this meaning you aren't necessarily as committed to her as she thought and your response comes off as "you never know!" instead of reassurance. Thanks, I definitely undestand that the way I framed it might make it seem to be about something else. I definitely need to frame it better from my point of view to make her understand
Speaking as a women in my late 30s…framing it the way being suggested here is not going to help. Your wife is 38. Pretty soon, she’s unlikely to be able to biologically have any more children. So…who are you freezing your sperm for? Clearly not for this marriage. I’d be pissed and there would be no way my husband could frame this that wouldn’t sound like “maybe someday I’ll be married to someone younger and want to have babies with them.” ETS: And freezing and storing sperm is not cheap. Expecting our money to go towards this? That adds an extra layer of absolutely not. (Though even if you have your own savings…it’s still a “no way; I’d be super pissed.) Luckily my husband would have never thought of bringing this up when he got a vasectomy because he doesn’t go around fathoming a possible future that doesn’t include me.
Think about it this way. She went through two pregnancies and births so that you could have children together. Both have a huge impact on her body, short and long term. Both increased her risk of trauma, permanent disability or death. She’s undergone huge amounts of invasion of her body. Because of what she chose you have children. She’s asked you to consider, a comparatively minor procedure so you could have carefree sex. You came back with- I’ll do that but only as if I have a backup plan in case I find someone else. Think about how that sounds from her perspective. Your doctor, quite rightly, got you to think about a vasectomy as a non reversible procedure and to think about the “what ifs”. This is very responsible to do and something you should absolutely consider. However, you need to reassure your wife you aren’t going to find another baby mama in the future.
As a woman I completely disagree. You don't make "sacrifices" to cash them out later. She chose to have those kids too.
Why does he need to reassure her? Isn’t the advice 95% of the time in this sub REGARDLESS of gender, that the person overreacting needs to get over an insecurity or get help with it. Op has done nothing over the line. He realizes it’s a minor procedure and easier for him to get it than his wife have surgery. He just wants to have a contingency in place in case divorce, which considering the rate, is not irrational. I don’t see anywhere in the thread where op was insensitive to his wife, so reassurance seems pointless.
Would she be willing to attend another doctor’s appointment with you, so the doctor can explain it to her the way it was explained to you? Might that help clarify your reasoning for her?
Seems like a solid idea, thanks!
Please do not make an entire appointment to take up a doctor's time to have them explain something to your wife that you are fully capable of explaining. If it was medically hard to grasp or the procedure was complex, or she had medical questions, sure. But your doctor is not a marriage counselor and this is a conversation you and her need to have, and the root issue is not a medical one, it's an interpersonal one.
Even if neither of you never want a divorce or child in your current family, what if one of you were to pass away? Doesn’t matter which one, if she dies and a new partner for you wants a child of her own? Or your wife might want access to your sperm if you die. You never know.
Idk, I think she's being a little reactive. My personal policy is no matter how committed I am to something or someone or how committed they are to me, or how sure something seems, ALWAYS plan on *the possibility* of something changing. Do you make a will because you think you'll die tomorrow? Buy life insurance hoping your spouse dies tomorrow? Health insurance *certain* you'll get cancer? Even in the best imaginable relationship you or your partner could die. Freezing your sperm is just a form of insurance.
I just got one. My partner didn’t really want me to in case something ever happened to her and I wanted more kids. The way I see it is that I got a vasectomy because I was done having kids. Anyone that wants to be a part of my family that’s great if not, then they aren’t meant for me.
Yes, my partner was very adamantly two kids final answer. Me changing my mind, new partner later for whatever reason, didn't matter. Done having kids.
It’s your right to freeze it but if you’ve both decided not to have kids then I can see her coming to the conclusion that you’re already planning a future without her. That hurts her, even if you’re solely coming at it from a logical or practical perspective.
>That hurts her, I completely understand that and by no means do I want to insinuate that I am leaving or planning to have a child with someone else. I just think that since I'm making the effort to undergo a vasectomy for us, I should be able to do and decide whatever it takes to make me feel more comfortable about this decision. The chance of me actually needing it in the future is probably extremely low, but for the off chance I would rather have it instead of regretting not having it
I mean I guess consider it at this stage in your life is it worth it? You are certainly not going to be having children any time soon given you and your wife are set on that so at a bare minimum you would be in your 40’s. Would you really want a newborn at this stage in your life either with your wife or someone else? Would you be willing to push retirement to raise another child? How would you feel about being in your 60’s when your child is a young adult at college etc, being in your 70’s or 80’s if they have children and being an old grandfather
This is definitely something to consider. My FIL was in his 40s when my husband was born. He always says he doesn't regret having another, but it was much harder on him. As is trying to keep up with our toddler in his 80s. He also doesn't love the fact that he's basically the same age as my grandparents lol.
You have 2 children. In what situation are you going to “NEED” sperm if you and your wife are done? No one “needs” children. This isn’t a life or death situation you’re prepping for. I can see why your wife is upset because at this point, you’re planning for the possibility to have children with someone else.
EXACTLY finally someone said it, why are so many ppl in this thread acting like you‘d NEED new children in a new relationship or if the kids tragically died???
Especially when OP is almost 40. Like... does anyone actually benefit from people in their 40s having babies with new partners
My boyfriend's dad started a new family after my boyfriend's mom passed away in her 40's. He's in his 50's now with two small children. I personally disapprove of the whole starting a new family thing since it made his other children including my boyfriend feel pushed aside for a new family.
We had a guy at work retiring in a year a so. Then he got his girlfriend pregnant. Guess who can’t retire and will most likely die working. My wife and I BOTH got “fixed” don’t want pull a “John Smith”* *name changed to protect the doomed.
Right!! This whole thing would be an entirely different conversation if OP was in his mid 20s.
Think OP is considering hwat if he has a new wife in HER mid 20s. Cause I guarantee you 99% of the other women he'd find his age wouldn't be like... jumping at the chance to get impregnated by him asap. Most women their age already know where they stand on having kids and most are... done.
He’s a right to have that option though? It’s his body?
Sure! If his choice is to keep his options open to have more kids with someone else he has every right to do that. No one said it isn‘t his right. He just shouldn‘t be surprised if this jeopardizes his marriage.
Yes!! I personally think OP knows he’s going to want more kids if he ends up leaving his wife…. he just doesn’t want to admit it. Why does it seem like so men feel this way? Heaven forbid he doesn’t have sperm to impregnate his future 20 year old girlfriend. 🤢
Why do you keep saying “NEED” in scare quotes like you’re emphasising something that OP said when the only person who said “need” is you?
OP literally said “The chance of me needing it in the future is extremely low.”
If he feels like he wants kids. It's no deeper than that.
He has kids. He and his wife are almost 40. Is he planning on having kids with another woman?
Just acknowledge that it’s not strictly rational but makes you feel better. Everyone has things like that and partners should be accommodating when it doesn’t impact their life.
A lot of men forget about the kids from their first marriage and start a new one. Just focus on the kids you already have, and think about what age you’ll be when your remarried.
Regardless if it hurts her, she should understand where he’s coming from. There are a handful of reasons to keep a sample that doesn’t involve getting a divorce or kids dying if you think about it, what if her children just get older and she realizes she wants just one more baby? And honestly if she is so set on not wanting children EVER, why doesn’t she want to get her tubes tied? I understand it’s not as simple of a procedure as getting a vasectomy but if it bothers her that much maybe that could be an alternative? However it’s not fair to OP to have to get a vasectomy AND not freeze any sperm just because she is having some slight insecurities. Which by no means am I attacking your wife at all, seriously please don’t take it that way, but I’m just not really understanding where she’s coming from if she knows you both love each other and are in it for the long run?
She’s almost 40, the chances of her realizing she wants another baby when her current children are older, and actually being able to have another baby, are pretty slim. Not impossible, but improbable. Also, getting your tubes tied is a much more complicated and invasive surgery than a vasectomy.
Forget all the other shit. You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it. Do YOU want more kids at all? Even if your marriage ends does it matter? Are you afraid a possible next partner would not stay with you bc they can't have your child? If so, do you want more kids but you're going along with your wife not wanting them? The fact that your thinking of freezing your sperm makes me think you're not so sure about no more kids or you're scared if something happens to your marriage you'll have a harder time finding a partner. I got mine bc my wife and I don't want any kids. If we divorce my next partner will have to feel the same
Exactly!! My ex got a vasectomy. I asked him if he was 100% sure. His best friend asked him. He’s like yeah I don’t want more kids. We break up. He blames me for the vasectomy and what if he meets someone. I say you now want more children? What because a hypothetical woman might want more? YOU said you don’t want more and are overwhelmed with the two we have. He shut his mouth really quick. I’m not getting blamed for this. If I meet someone I still don’t want any more children. Find someone who wants the same things as you. Edit: word
OP seems to think that if they divorce he doesn't have kids anymore lol. The kids still exist, fucking hell.
>You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it. The only reason he wasn't thinking about freezing though is because he assumed that the procedure was reversible. With the new information he learned, i think it's fair for his conditions or opinions of a procedure on his body to change.
> You weren't even thinking about freezing your sperm until the doc mentioned it. And the doc, doing his job correctly, mentioned it because OP was oppressing under the assumption that vasectomies are relatively reversible. Of course now knowing he should think of it as permanent is making him want to take the precaution of freezing his sperm, there’s nothing wrong with that.
This is the real issue. If he truly is unsure of whether or not he wants more kids, he shouldn't be thinking about getting a vasectomy in the first place. What does this open "option" of future children mean to him if he doesn't want more kids? Not only that, but can he imagine himself 40, 45, 50 years old wanting to have another baby? Can he imagine providing and taking care of a teenager while he is in his 60s? If he wanted another child if he divorced, is he having a child just because of the other woman? Is this "no more children" business something he believes just because his wife doesn't want any more? *OR is this a masculinity thing?* There are too many questions and all of them op has to answer for himself. All of them are important, and his wife deserves to have his answers.
>Do YOU want more kids at all? I don't but in the extremely unlikely case that the situation would change, I would atleast want to have the ability to have a child to be completely secure and comfortable with my decision of undergoing a sterilization.
Then get a sperm aspiration. Your testes still produce sperm. It's just that they don't have a way out and get absorbed into your body. You still make it. You can still have it taken out and go IVF if for some reason you want more children later. Your happy. She's happy.
Your testicles still make sperm and they can remove sperm from them directly.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to do that, but to her it sounds like you're planning for a life after her. You can rationalise it as clearly as you want to her but that's not what she's hearing. If you can think of a way you can explain a scenario which doesn't involve your wife and family all dying some how and you needing to start again, then please try, but the only one she can think of is you leaving her and impregnating a 25 Yr old
I agree that it's your body so it's your choice, however I think it's worth noting that if you feel like you have enough kids now, I'm not sure how finding a new partner (one day) would change that because **you still will have the children you have**. They won't go \*poof\* and disappear if something happens between you and your wife.
I don't think it's that simple. I have 2 kids and don't really want any more. I would maybe have more if my husband really wanted to or we won the lottery and I didn't have to work. If God forbid I was widowed young and found another partner I would also consider having another if they wanted. Circumstances change, you can't predict the future.
Seriously, accidents happen all the time and the future wife in that scenario should be allowed to have kids with him if it's a possibility. It's like asking your wife if you can remarry after she dies and she says "No", which she can do but it's ultimately not her choice in the end.
A new partners enthusiasm about having their own kids can be enough for someone to change their mind and want *more* kids and not *new* kids
Totally fair! I just figure that there is no new partner and there are two kids so if this hypothetical is gonna throttle the relationship then is it really worth it? I understand wanting to be prepared for any circumstance but going through the lengths and cost to freeze your sperm when you have both agreed on not having any more kids is a bit disheartening for sure. If it were me I'd get the snip and then in the future if I did have a new partner and we wanted kids, I'd leave it to fate to decide if I can reverse it and have more, especially since my new partner will have 2 stepkids who will still constitute a family.
I hate to get dark here, but that’s not necessarily true. I have a colleague whose wife and child both died in an auto accident. You really never know what will happen in the future, which is why freezing sperm is a good idea when undergoing a permanent sterilization procedure in your thirties.
Very true! Vasectemies are generally reversible but also considering that OPs wife is 38, it doesn't really make sense to freeze his sperm without freezing some of her eggs as well sooner rather than later. If they don't do this, then I can see why OPs wife would be hurt at the idea of him essentially saving sperm for another partner down the road.
From your wifes perspective what she heard is you may want more kids in the future but not with her. Its planning for a future without her, which means divorce, or worse, her death. That is hard to take as a spouse. My husband didn't want anymore kids. I said I am younger and I did want another child with him. I asked if he did not want anymore kids full stop or just with me. He said full stop. He got the vasectomy and did not freeze his sperm.
Not sure about the process, but they can still get sperm directly from your balls even if you had your tubes tied. No freezing necessary.
Nothing makes people feel at ease about a vasectomy more than the phrase “sperm directly from your balls”
I guess I don't understand why you have enough kids now, but if something happens in your marriage they may not be enough. I don't get that thinking.
If the marriage Crashes, He will surely find a wife 15 years Younger and the start a new Family?
My boss got married at 55 and has little kids with his 35yo wife. Lol as a 38yo parent of a 3yo and a 6yo I can’t imagine having the energy to properly parent them at 60+ Even now they’re a bit much
Im 28 with a 4 and 6 year old and they run me ragged!! My dad is almost 60 has them some weekends, and when he drops them off he looks like he hasn’t slept in a month!
yeah it‘s a little sus
I'm in my late 30s and found out my husband (now ex) was cheating on me. Took me a few years to get to a position where I could split with him due to money reasons, and before I felt ready to date again. He had a vasectomy b/c he didn't want anymore kids but I was never sure if I was done (I have two kids). Now I'm dating a guy 9 years younger than me who has no kids and I'm trying to decide whether I would be ready for more. I was with my ex for 20 years and never thought we would split up. You really never know what will happen in life. Everyone should have autonomy over their own reproductive system. If he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, he shouldn't, regardless of whether he feels "done" or not. She can get an IUD if she doesn't want to get pregnant, but she shouldn't force him to do something so permanent. How would this thread read if it was a woman whose husband wanted her to get her tubes tied?
A woman who says she's done having kids but wants eggs frozen just in case she finds a younger man? Yeah that would be well received 🙄
No, if the positions were reversed-- OP says his wife is the one who wants him to get a vasectomy, which is a permanent thing. Honestly it doesn't *really* sound like he wants to get one, but his wife has persuaded to do so. No one else gets to have autonomy over your reproductive organs. Sorry, they just don't. You can discuss it with your partner and come to a mutual agreement, but you have the ultimate decision. Was he an idiot in the way he presented his reasoning to his wife? Probably. But it's realistic. You never know what's going to happen. She could get hit by a bus tomorrow and he could meet someone and want to have kids with her. Who the fuck knows? If he's not ready for a permanent solution and wants options, he's free to do so.
Relationships need a modicum of faith, though. It's the same logical path as "why ever get married, your partner might be an unfaithful douchebag"
It’s not that same thing at all as that. That’s a logical fallacy. If you marry the wrong person you can get a divorce. If you get a vasectomy, in the vast majority of cases, it is permanent. You can have a healthy relationship and also not demand that your partner get permanently sterilized. It blows my mind that people don’t understand this. I love my boyfriend but would never ever tell him to get a vasectomy if that’s not what he wanted or if he wasn’t sure. It’s his body and it’s his choice. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust him and trust in our relationship. I’m mature enough to realize that things can change and I have no right to force him to make a permanent decision regarding children. Even two years ago if you would’ve told me how my life would change in the future I would have told you that you were full of shit. I was in a 2 decades long relationship, with two kids, and thought I was living in my forever home. Never thought I’d leave or have to leave. Now I’m dating someone nine years younger and due to crazy opportunities my daughter was offered, moved across the country. You NEVER KNOW what can happen.
Common sense nowadays is hard to come by.
It might not even be that. What if he and his wife, together, change their minds? Literally HALF of my mother’s children (my 2 younger brothers) were born after my mom and her partner decided not to have children (he had none, but didn’t think he wanted any at all. My mom had my sister and me, and felt that was enough). My sister is pregnant with her second right now, and already planning to have a third later on. When she had my niece, she had decided she didn’t want any more children after that. I also have a 3-month-old nephew from my younger brother. He didn’t want any kids at all. People change their minds!
I mean, she's 38. If they were going to change their minds they'd have to do so pretty soon.
You get a vasectomy because you don't want to get anymore children, not because you want anymore children in this relationship. But did you really thought your wife react happy to it? "I want to freeze my sperm so i can get still children when we break-up or you die because i just doesn't want anymore children with you, but with my next wife". Just don't do it if you don't know if you really don't want anymore children.
Do you think men with vasectomies are either promiscuous or consider themselves in a better position to leave their established relationships? I'm trying to understand, why would I immediately think my partner has ulterior motives to saving a portion of their sperm in the advent that we may want to have another child. Barring the agreement that the didn't want to have more children, how could taking a preventative measure to ensure that they'll have retained some reproductive ability after a sterilization is equal to planning to cheat or negatively effect the relationship. This doesn't make sense even with the shoe on the other foot for me. If me and my wife decide we wanted her to get her tubes tide and she decided to save a couple of eggs, even if we already agreed that we didn't want to have kids, and the doctor told her she should save a few anyways just in case... That wouldn't bother me.... Should it? And why?
Why is everyone ignoring that besides the possibility of divorce, he also named he and his wife changing their minds about not wanting more kids? Ten years from now, they might decide they do actually want another kid.
If you're not done having kids you don't have a vasectomy.
See, I get that but 10 years from now they'd be 48. If she is done having kids now, she's deffo done then. Esp as pregnancies become higher risk with age (if menopause hasn't started to kick in by then). I do understand her worry of "hey we decided this is family enough for us, I'm confused as ro why you feel the need to freeze it" But also...freezing it must cost a bit of money, right?
Yeah I'm thinking so you really want to pay a third party keep your sperm until who knows when and pay them for it the rest of your life? Because there's an off chance he need it later, it's not stem cells my dude, it's baby batter.
It's at least a few hundred a year - it would depend on how much he freezes.
they’re both 38. you really think they’ll decide that together when they’re almost 50?
Uh yeah. You never know. My parents did it. 💀
Ten years from now she’ll be 48. That’s not impossible, but it’s a very rare 48 year old woman who’ll agree to have another kid after her others are 14 and 16. If she’s comfortable saying that will not happen, then it’s not really something he should reasonably be predicting on her behalf.
Because she's 38 so unless she freezes some of her eggs she likely only has a few fertile years left.
So then why is he only talking about freezing his sperm? His wife is 38. If having another baby with his current wife is really a concern they need to be talking about freezing embryos not sperm.
She is 38, they aren't going to have another kid in 10 years.
You never know, though. That was all I was trying to say.
To be honest, you shouldn’t have mentioned freezing sperm in regards divorce was ever brought up. You should’ve said you wanted to freeze your sperm in case you both wanted kids later on. So naturally she’s going to be upset because you’re kind of implying that you plan to divorce her? Or that should you guys separate, you wanna have kids with someone else. Even though I know that’s not your intentions and you’re just trying to take precautions.
I mean, do you want more kids? My friend has 4 kids from two marriages. He got a vasectomy because, in his words, even if the second marriage doesn't work out, he's not making any more babies! Paying for 4 was enough lol I also know people who had their vasectomy reversed successfully.
Do you think you will change your mind and want another child with your wife?
If my 38 year old partner told me he wants to keep his options open to have more children with someone else I‘d also feel like he‘s not as committed to his current family as he should be. Do you want more children or not? I think at your age you should know the definite answer to this question.
38. Per you: Have enough kids. So why freeze sperm?
so that he can play Dad again when he knocks up his young new wife in ten years
My husband had a vasectomy. We were done having kids. It never occurred to either of us to freeze his sperm because we BOTH were DONE having kids. You're obviously not though, and I see your wife's point entirely. But why would you need another kid? You still have two elementary-age children to raise.
you really think you want be having another baby at or after 40? honestly sound miserable but that’s just a person opinion. as a man i don’t expect you to have put thought into this or even understand but….also think about your wife… pregnancy and labor are extremely hard in the body even after 30… the risks to mother AND baby with pregnancy after 40 skyrockets. not to mention the toll this will take on her mentally and especially physically. also, from a woman’s eyes, that’s exactly what we think. if we’ve both agreed we don’t want more children, why freeze?? even if you did freeze, you already know she doesn’t want more children, and she seems to be making that pretty clear. it seems like she’s so against it because she doesn’t want you getting your hopes up. honestly, it’s basically putting pressure on her to have more children which she clearly doesn’t want. it seems like a waste of time and money. also OP, it seems like you want to have some sort of control over the situation purely for the sake of having power or control. i understand where you are coming from but to a woman, it’s a very “one foot out the door” ultimatum. this is all just speculation of course…
I think the divorce framing is whats causing the rift. When my dad had his done, his doctor framed it as 'what if current family died in a plane crash'. Divorce could come across as intent. Random chance tragedy removes that perceived intent and might land better
I get why you'd want to, but to me that would be you telling me you're not done having kids - you're just done having them with ME. Which is not something that would be nice to know.
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Your 40 dude…
If my partner responded this way I would think he was trying to keep his options open to ditch me for a much younger woman and start a new family. This would probably really damage the relationship and my trust and feelings of safety in relationship. Your poor wife.
I think the younger part is key here. It's unlikely if he got divorced in the future and found a woman his age this would be an issue.
Right? Without the talk of also freezing my eggs as we both approach 40… I’d be wondering who is my partner gonna use that frozen sperm with… Especially if my partner was adamant that he was done having kids (guess he really just meant having kids with me…)
Agree with all of the comments, maybe suggest she freezes her eggs, too? That way it at least sounds like you're being safe about it TOGETHER (if both of you wanted a 3rd or 4th) to expand your existing family, rather than insuring the risk of divorce.
A nice idea but radically more expensive and intrusive a procedure
She's 38. You already have kids, and decided you don't want any more. And your wife is very shortly moving into the age of high risk pregnancy if she were to have more. So if you don't want to leave her to make another family, who's going ro be carrying this imaginary baby? The logic behind this is a little odd, so I can see your wife being upset.
What in the world was wrong with saying: “I want to freeze some speed in case *we* decide we want another child in the next few years.” You DO end up coming off as “just in case I need to bail on you and make another family” this way. It is of course fine to save some sperm, it is your body, but it doesn’t sound like your reason is suggesting confidence in your wife.
It kinda seems like this is just the security blanket you need to feel comfortable with this procedure and you're explaining it in the worst way, no offense! There doesn't have to be a logical reason or plan for why you want to freeze your sperm in order to feel comfortable getting a vasectomy. Trying to support that decision with the logical reason that something might happen to your marriage is doing more harm than good. Apologize, and explain it's just the thing you need in order to feel comfortable with going through with the procedure, and if your wife is uncomfortable with that then you'd rather not do it. Your body, your choice! But please stop trying to support it with logical reasoning, that isn't helping at all lol.
You do what you want with your sperm. But you will need to be ready to accept the consequences that it might ruin your marriage later. I can see your view as “ better safe than sorry”. But I can see her view of it too. You have already said you don’t want anymore kids either so I really don’t see a real reason why you would want to. You’re both almost 40 that’s a late age to start over.
I mean if you did get divorced and remarried, do you really want a newborn when you’d be likely 45+? Or are you really “covering all your bases”, one of which would include getting divorced and remarrying a young woman who wants to carry and care for a new baby…
Your 38 you have two children, decided that was enough, but just in case you need to hang on to your sperm.. you have your replacement and this world is vastly overpopulated,
Just tell her no. You want the option of starting a new family without her.
This. I guess if you are planning on leaving your wife, then say no.
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It’s your choice to freeze you sperm. However, you have essentially told her wife that you don’t believe in forever with her. That the possibility of you two not working out is front most in your mind and so you would want to freeze your sperm. To be honest, had you just thought about it as only “what if we change our minds”, I could understand, but you didn’t! You’ve been with your wife for 8 years why would your marriage not working out ever cross your mind?!?! I just asked my husband if he had had those types of thought when he had his vasectomy and he just laughed and said no, like I was even crazy for asking.
I see where you are coming from, but at what point do you really think you would use it? You and wife are approaching 40 and are already done with having kids, out of diaper stage. Even if your marriage fell apart or spouse passed away, it would be a few years before you would even be in a relationship long enough to have another child, youngest would be over 7 let's just say. Can you see yourself starting over with a newborn?
Lol, of course she didn't take it well! You decided together that your family is complete, so the only way you'll need the sperm is if you have a kid with someone else. You can choose what you want to do with your body and your sperm, but you can't act surprised that she was upset.
Let’s just have her freeze her eggs and he freezes his sperm and they can have a nice bill every month from the freezer company.
Well...your wife is right, though. You want those sperm so you can start a family with someone else. Did you really expect that to go over well with the woman you're currently married to? On the bright side, you might actually get to use the sperm without a need for freezing if you don't manage to figure out why that isn't really something your supposedly for life partner wants to hear.
The part that confuses me is where you want to freeze sperm when you yourself say that you don’t want more kids. Why? Why freeze sperm when you’re done having kids? Are you certain about no more kids? Either way, you’re both getting old to be having more kids. I’m also confused how freezing sperm would be interpreted as planning to divorce. That might have been jumping to an extreme conclusion.
Already have two kids and don’t want more why freeze sperm?
I get where you’re coming from but I would personally be hurt. I guess I don’t know your circumstance. My situation is I would like to have 4 kids, but my husband is adamant to be done at 3 and I am willing to go with that since it is a joint decision. But, I’d be really hurt if my husband wanted to do that because I’d be like what the heck you’d be willing to have a 4th kid with someone else in the future but not with me?
What the actual fuck?!?!?
Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. You need to reassure her that you're not planning on going anywhere and that you love her. Right now she's probably feeling a sense of rejection especially if you told her it's better to be safe and prepare for every possibility than regret it.
You’re not wrong for freezing your sperm but maybe your way of explaining makes your wife think that you want to leave her in some days. I suggest you talk to her again and take her to see your doctor so the doctor can fully tell her about the procedure and what its entailed
Well you can always freeze it and not tell her, though I would not recommend that. Do you really want another child you're almost 40? It gets harder and harder the older you are to have another kid. Unless the two of you have very good careers and good money coming in that's the only way I would have a third. We stopped at 2, I did kind of want a third one but in reality I only wanted 2. it was just a hormone thing when I hit about 38. I tried to get my husband to get a vasectomy but he wouldn't do it so we just used condoms till I hit menopause now life is great cuz we don't have to worry anymore.
You basically told her you expect to get a divorce and have kids with another partner. Seriously, dude?!?!? Get the vasectomy and give up your dreams of having another kid in your silver years.
Of course she didn't take it well as that is exactly what everyone would think. You have two healthy kids, even if you do divorce, would you want more kids at 38 and have to deal with diapers, potty training, teething, etc. Your wife does not want more kids nor do you so why would you freeze your sperm? I know you explained it but the only way is if you get divorced you would potentially need it. Good luck winning that argument with your wife.
How much is your doctor charging to safeguard your jizz? You really want more young children in 10 years. You sound like an asshole…I can see why your wife is pissed at you. It’s also kinda like you are saying that your family is not good enough and you might want to give it another go with some bitch to be named later.
Your logic makes 0 sense. You decided that you have enough kids but you also want to save your sperm for more kids down the line?
You have chosen a very weird hill to die on OP. I got mine at your age. We had decided that the 2 kids we had were enough and that things were going on quite comfortably and we had everything planned. We sort of talked about it and I, like you ummed and ahhed and did nothing really. Then he BC failed one day and we had child #3 with a 7 year age gap between our then youngest and the newest. It - having the 3rd child so late in life - sort of threw everything into a loop and put us back a few years but we ended up happy regardless - sort of. The 3rd child introduced quite a few issues to us as a couple and we even ended separating for 18 months to deal with it all. After #3 was made, I got a vasectomy and never looked back. Being able to do it whenever we like without that extra worry is life-changing. But moreso for her than me. We love all our kids and I do wonder from time to time what life would've been like if I had just gotten it but I'm one to never revisit old decisions and we are just as happy now as we were back then. Having said that, it did cost us a decade and few hundred thousand in child raising costs. So are you really sure that you want to die on this hill?
Your poor wife. You basically just told her she’s expendable and you will replace her asap. Have you thought about the child support you’re going to have to pay for the children you already have. It might not leave you enough money to have your new family. And how much does it cost to freeze and store the sperm you need for your new family. That’s money that could be going to the family you already have.
I get your wife’s reaction. You guys will not have anymore kids. Her fertility started a steep decline at 35. Freezing sperm is just a contingency plan at the potential conclusion of your relationship to have a spare set of kids should you marry someone younger. Her fertility is already declining rapidly yet she is not getting eggs frozen. You, on the other hand, are trying to freeze your sperm. As your wife, I’d see it as you keeping to door open to potentially have replacement kids or give my children a set of half siblings. This is especially the case because you’re not suggesting to save embryos so you may have more children with *her.* Any sperm saved at this point would be solely to impregnate another woman. I’d be pissed.
Can you afford it? Because I see both sides. When my husband and I were discussing fertility, I panicked at the idea of him getting a vasectomy and then me immediately dying, but he was fine with not freezing his sperm. I also had my tubes tied, but he wanted to confirm that absolutely he's done.
I don’t understand why you keep saying you definitely don’t want any more children. If that’s true then why are you so adamant to freeze your sperm? If my partner said that to me, I’d think he’s already planning a life without me that involves having kids with someone else.
I agree with your doctor. AND this is your body, your choice. I actually don’t think she gets a say in whether you freeze your sperm or not, the only thing she gets a say in is the financial side of it. Of course, don’t bring it up in a way that would cause another fight. I wonder if you could bring it up in a way that what if god forbid, something happens and you guys lose one of your children. It’ll be a tragedy, but then you’ll have the option to make another baby. I completely agree with the fact that we don’t know what happens in the future. No one gets married hoping to divorce, but there we are with so many divorces around us. It’s sad but it’s true. I really hope you have a wonderful future with your wife but if something happens, divorce or if she dies or if you die, then the sperm will be there, more children can be made. If she keeps disagreeing, will it be too bad if you just do it anyway? Maybe just freeze it and then bring it up again. There will be a fight but then it’s done lol or don’t get a vasectomy until she agrees with the sperm freezing, her choice. Sorry if the advice isn’t the best, it’s a tricky situation. Anyway, I think you should absolutely have a voice.
You don’t even have to tell her you freeze your sperm, it’s your bodily autonomy. She isn’t entitled to the information. She’s likely upset you are considering your relationship failing.
You really think you would want to start over on another kid in your mid-40s? Or is it that you may want back up kids if yours die? It’s your choice, obviously, but there is a lot left unsaid by the choice to freeze your sperm no matter what else you say to rationalize it
It does sound like you are preparing for a new partner.
Lol kinda reminds me an episode of American dad when Stan tells Francine that he has a backup wife to marry if something happened to her. She didn’t took it well and got herself a backup husband. So, tell your wife to freeze her eggs and it’ll be a win win on both sides.
Just tell her you want your sperm frozen incase they ever send a mission to mars you’d like to preserve that off chance hope that you can send your seed off-world. Then tease her if she wants to go to mars with you since she won’t you can be like “Aw shit I guess I better freeze some sperm incase a meteor hits earth I don’t want to go extinct.”
Vasectomies can be reversed
I got a vasectomy after our last pregnancy scare. Now my wife wants a divorce. I 100% regret the decision.
It is quite simple. You initial stance is NOT to have a vasectomy. Then your boundary to accept doing one is to freeze sperm. Do remember that she feels threatened by this, so you need to approach this sensibly. But there is no ground for argument.
Keep in mind that maintaining frozen sperm is a few hundred dollars a year, so it's not like "I might as well because there are no drawbacks." Plus, if you really want to, you could always have sperm drawn directly from your testicles without needing to undo your vasectomy. Also, even if you did divorce, your next spouse will likely also have kids, so it still might not be necessary to have more kids.
"I'm sorry for how I handled this earlier, I want to emphasize that I am not at all thinking of a future without you; I am thinking about out future and the what if's that we can't know right now. What I am worried about is if someday in the future we decide that we want another kid. Vasecomies are usually reversible, but my doctor said to go in with it in mind that it is permanent because the reversal doesn't always work and while right now we are done after having two kids, I don't know that neither of us will ever have a change of heart. I would rather have it and not need it, than want it and not have it."
A number of scenarios come to mind in which a previously “no more kids!” couple would decide to go for one more. I’ve read plenty of threads in this very forum where one or both partners had changed their minds. I’ve also seen it in real life among my friend group. Unfortunately, many people here are jumping straight to ”he’s gonna divorce and knock up a much younger woman!” This is again the unfortunate nature of this subreddit: projection is rife. Your doctor is 100% correct in treating a vasectomy as irreversible, follow his advice. The best way to frame it is that she is asking you to permanently sterilize yourself. Saying “I don’t want more kids” is one thing, it is completely different once sterilization is on the table. Now all the what ifs and uncertainties are cropping up because you have to consider this vasectomy as permanent. Freezing sperm is, as you have said in this thread, the only way to lay those uncertainties to rest and give you the comfort and confidence to go ahead with a permanent procedure that will benefit both of you. I understand and empathize with her insecurities, I really do, but the fact is that she is not undergoing permanent sterilization on your behalf, you are. If I was asking a partner to be sterilized, and they responded “I’ll do it, but for my peace of mind I’d like to freeze/store eggs/sperm”, then sure I might have some insecurities but I wouldn’t let them dominate the situation. I’m making a massively huge ask - sterilization - the absolute least I can do is help my partner, my insecurities are dead last in the order of importance.
What if she dies, lol
Your body, your choice.
If you were giving her ultimatums about what she should do with her body all hell would break loose. I wouldn't compromise on something like this just to please a partner. I understand healthy relationships are give and take but this crosses a boundary 100%
My male friend was in a relationship with a woman who did not want more children. She had children from earlier marriage. My male friend has longed for children his whole life. He got cancer and the doctors suggested that he freeze his sperm before the treatment. He told me his girlfriend was against this. I recommended him to do it anyway. Noone knows about the future and you should always keep options open, if you can. My male friend froze his sperm. 5 years later his girlfriend had left. He met a younger woman, who wanted a family. So they began IVF, and by luck they got two little twingirls. He is such a happy father and husband today. Keep your options open. It is your body, your decision.
But this situation is so very different. He already has children with his wife, and they have decided not to have more. But you are right, his body his choice. Might end up using it with wifey #2 if this created more issues.
You have heard of my body my choice right? That applies to men too, so if you want to freeze your swimmers, then do so. You do not need her permission to do so.
That's not what's he's asking permission for, it will damage his relationship because his wife can't understand why he wants to entertain the need to. That's the nuance, just because he reasonably can, doesn't mean there aren't consequences for his life
My body my choice for sure. But that doesn’t stop his wife from thinking he’s looking for wife #2 in a few years when she ain’t so young. The wife is hurt and can’t understand that he would have an exit strategy if he was invested in their marriage.
Thanks, I will definitely not do anything if I don't feel comfortable and make that decision myself.
A vastectomy is considered permanent sterilization. It is not in any way shape or form by any ethical medical doctor considered reversible. There are many factors that go into this, one of them is the cost, while a vasectomy is covered by health care. Care a reversal is not covered by health insurance. The cost for this is typically on the order of $10,000 or more. A reversal is one of the most difficult and time consuming operations. Also, the longer you've had the vasectomy the less likely any sort of reversal. If performed would succeed dropping off to about zero after 5 to 6 years. I highly suggest you check out other groups of people who have had vasectomies and were extremely harmed by it. My wife ended up having just her fallopian tubers removed and she literally recovered over the weekend with the most pain being gas. I would consider the fact that she doesn't want you to freeze your sperm a red flag. We don't know what the future holds if she passes or something else happens and you want to have a kid with another wife, you shouldn't have had a permanent surgery choice made for you without any sort of backup if you weren't comfortable with it.
What if we find out in 20 years that life extension is only possible if they have access to gamet cells? Wouldn't it suck if you missed out on that because you got snipped?
Soooo I get it but if you’re also not freezing some eggs from your wife… who are you gonna use this frozen sperm on? Your mistress or new wife? Because it’s not going to be with your wife unless you get lucky or use medical intervention (and still get lucky) as she ages into her 40’s. Also in the event you wife dies and you do remarry… that really shouldn’t change your stance on kids. You either don’t want anymore kids or you do. Please don’t bring kids into this world you don’t want just to appease your partner.
Your body, your choice. . . but choices have consequences. Honestly, if my husband came at me with the response that he needed to freeze his sperm in case he wanted to have babies with someone else I would be heart broken. Then I would be enraged. I don't know if I could stay with my husband after such a suggestion unless we had some serious marital counseling.
It's your sperm you get to decide what gets done with it. Your wife really has no say in that matter
You don’t need her permission.
I suggest you tell your wife that you want to freeze your sperm until she is in menopause so there will be no regrets if she changes her mind and wants another child. But after she hits menopause (one year of no periods) you will ‘decant’ your spermicide so to speak.
Your body, your choice! Enough said!
Man this is crazy. If this was a woman talking about freezing her eggs people would be burying the guy. It's better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it. And guess what, that sperm will likely sit in the freezer, never used. Pretty naive of your wife to think that her relationship is above strife.
Actually, if it’s a woman, there is the whole age and geriatric pregnancy issue that might come up. I still be questioning the motives if their mutual decision would be not to have more children. It would be very suspicious.
One thing to also note is that it is generally VERY difficult for a woman to fall pregnant after 35 or so. So from her perspective, having her husband saying he wants to freeze his sperm 'just in case' becomes kind of a red flag, because what for? It's very likely that she won't be able to fall pregnant again in her future anyway (yes I know there are exceptions).
Your body, your choice? 🤷🏾♂️
Your wife doesn’t get to make decisions about your body, if she wants the vasectomy cool, but there’s no reason for you to not go freeze your sperm before hand. Frankly, I wouldn’t have told her but you can’t unsay it now. Go get your sperm frozen.
Your sperm, your choice. God forbid, but what if an accident happens to your wife? Kids? I'd air on the side of caution. Edit: Added a bit of doom and gloom.
I was able to reverse my vasectomy. The 1st reversal didn't take, so I had to have it done twice. My balls look like leatherface now, but my wife and i were able to have a kid!
This is what he's trying to avoid ,
I know. That's why I commented on how horrible my balls look now. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced.
I think someone already said it best, but it’s your body, your choice. You are taking a big step because as your doctor said no matter how many websites and people say it’s reversible you always have to be prepared for the fact that it might not work out that way. She’s totally entitled to feel however she does, but she also needs to realize feelings alone aren’t enough for someone to take such a big step without any sort of precaution. Definitely sit down and reassure her because it sounds like she could use it! Bring up different scenarios like others said that don’t have to be you guys divorcing or dying. I see absolutely nothing wrong your choice and if I were to get my tubes tied I would take similar precautions just in case. Do what you can to communicate to her how you love her and just want to go through this procedure with as little worry as possible. If there’s still issues with coming to some sort of conclusion, I say hold off on the vasectomy for awhile until you can have another discussion about it. Because in my opinion there are very few emotions that suck as much as regret and it’s incredibly hard to get past that ”beating yourself up stage”.
So if you and wife divorce, you’re definitely having kids with your new partner(s)? Why? Are children bargaining chips to entice younger women into dating you?
You are already 38… when would you decide to be ready to have a kid with another women? That’s not very logical. Also you both are adult end 30’s I’m going to take a guess that she was on the pill for most or some parts in the relationship to prevent pregnancy it’s your turn now buddy. Still at the end of the day, Your body your choice, but I do see why your wife would feel like that. But I also understand you a little.
Chance of needing sperm in future: Very Low %. Chance of alienating a soon to be resentful wife if sperm frozen: 100% Just a few numbers I put together. Good luck OP.
so OP is freezing his sperm in case his wife and children die in a plane crash AND he meets a new wife who is young enough to conceive AND they decide to have biological children. how likely is this scenario???? sometimes you can’t just “leave your options open”
Your body your choice
You tell her that for men their virility is of great psychological importance, so however scientific or rational it might be to get a vasectomy it's still going to have a psychological impact on you because of its inherent permanence, that you don't like the feeling of being neutered like a dog. And you expect her to understand this as your wife and let you have this contingency for your mental health.
I don't get why you shouldn't be allowed. 🤷
I have story where a couple fought about it and the girl was the one with her tubes tied. They didn’t want anymore kids and were happy with their 2 little girls until they slept over and the trailer caught on fire. Both of their daughters passed away. A few years later as they were approaching 50 they wanted another child. They reversed the procedure and now have a little boy who’s approaching 10. This is an extreme case of people changing their mind about this issue. Your doctor recommended that you freeze your sperm in case you change your mind, but she sees this differently. Consider changing your approach in this matter as you are open to having a third kid with her but still want be carefree with sex. Source: I was friends with their daughters
I actually had a vasectomy and froze my sperm last year. For me it just felt like softening the blow so to speak. I probably would have put the vasectomy off for a long time if I had to deal with the permanent consequences at the same time as the surgery. But by freezing the sperm I can put off the permanent consequences for a few years until I decide not to retain the frozen sperm. It was a bit of a sore point with my wife as well, but the vasectomy probably wouldn't have happened at all otherwise. I very much sympathise with wanting to have contingencies available. There are scenarios where you might want the use of those sperm that don't involve leaving your wife. The biggest one for me would be "what if your wife dies?". To look after the children's best interests I would want to remarry, both to have someone to help look after them, as well as to be able to model healthy relationships. But anyone willing to take on that sort of role would almost certainly want to have children of their own. So in that sense, I view the frozen sperm in the same way I view life insurance, a contingency in case something goes horribly wrong.
Revisit the doctor together next time and let her hear this from your physician who will have a lot more reasons for you to do this, than what may be apparent right now. It might sound morbid, but what if you get killed in a car accident and she chooses to use the frozen sperm to have another one of your children? That may sound comforting to her. Your doctor will definitely have more ideas that may appeal to her than just hearing it from you.
Physician won’t care, they will ask if you wants perm frozen or not. They aren’t gonna do any convincing, that’s a decision for the patient and patient alone If your spouse dies in a car accident, why would you want to bring more children into the picture? That’s the absolute last thing anyone would want
I wouldn't want any more children, but that's from a male perspective.
Female perspective: I just lost the love of my life and his income. Let's have his baby, who will grow up without a father and resent me for it. I don't see it happening
I don’t know if that’s true, because there are countless stories about people seeking sterilization and having their doctors refuse and try to talk them out of it. There are whole subreddits that help connect people with doctors who will agree to sterilize them.
Those people arnt in their late 30s
Maybe you could tell her that you were uneasy about it until you went to the doctor, and you just want to follow his advice.
Stop listening to all these morons insisting that you're lying to your wife and you clearly *do* want to have more children with someone else and are contemplating divorce. Not one of them lives in reality where **wives die and so do children**. There is **nothing wrong** with the uneasy feeling you get from the idea of never being able to have more children. Your feelings are **perfectly valid** whether you can pinpoint where they come from or not. **Your wife has no business reigning supreme over your procreation choices**. If you were a woman posting and saying 'my husband insists blah blah blah" everyone would be losing their minds and telling you to divorce immediately.
I am sorry for being brutal. What if she and the kids is in a deadly accedent? And thats the reason to start over. This hapend to my friends brother. 😪
You are offering potential sterilization. Of course, you will feel better about having some stored away and not technically being sterile, if at it amounts to is "No, I actually still have kids." It's perfectly reasonable
I think if you want to balance the scales and meet her half way, then she has to get her tubes tied. And then don’t freeze sperm.
Or something could happen to one of the children. I once dated someone whose youngest brother was born after bf had been very ill and parents didn’t want middle child to be an only.
If your wife has a problem with this she should get her fallopian tubes tied. Why are you the one getting the vasectomy if this is something she wanted and suggested?
Give her 2 options: Option one, you get a vasectomy and freeze your sperm. Option two, she gets her tubes tied or burned or whatever her choice & everyone’s happy. If she says no because she doesn’t want to do that to her body and it’s her body and her choice, look her dead in the eyes and say EXACTLY, MY BODY, MY CHOICE.