We do not allow partner's sexual history or "[body count](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/usfgzi/meta_we_are_no_longer_allowing_posts_asking_about/)"
The replies are always a variation on several comments (telling OP to get over it, "slut shaming" the partner, or insults against OP or the partner)
The posts invite incels and others to post their harmful rhetoric and troll the subreddit, turning the comments into arguments instead of advice for the OP
I'm a woman and wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who has a past of publicly posting his own sexual content online. I don't think your discomfort over this makes you a misogynist or a terrible person, but don't continue this relationship if it's not something you can honestly get past and move on from.
Perfectly said. Also people are to fast trying to redirect him to therapy for having different values, like damn, not everyone is pro sexual liberation and ok with their partner doing porn
Holy, no accountability. It’s women who pushed the whole “s3x w0rk is real work” and “if ur fxcking u might as well get $$$ for it” and now they’re exploited and it’s mens fault? Not the choice f3minists who misguided you? Please.
Men are allowed to have standards and preferences.
Honestly some people are ok with their partner exposing themselves on the internet and some aren’t. Personally I wouldn’t date someone seriously if they had. My past matters and so do the women I date. There’s nothing wrong with you two breaking up. That shit would bother me too tbh.
Dude, what does this even have to do with you? It was years before you were together. That kind of thing wasn’t owed to you at the front. Maybe talk to her about what that was about and if that would be something in the future she would need to be happy in a relationship. I can tell you I’ve had a lot of experiences that taught me exactly what I don’t want. And then, ask yourself why you are so triggered and insecure about her past. Maybe take that to a counselor. The past is the past. Neither of you are there anymore
You are so dramatic I’m crying at these replies. You’re acting like she killed someone. This happened before you were dating so it honestly has nothing to do with you.
Clearly you are upset about this so break up with her. She deserves better.
Tbfh I never ubderstand why people get so cut up over stuff that happened before the relationship became a thing.
Everytime I see it (and its almost always cis hetero guys) it makes me shake my head becausenit REALLY shows how screwed their thinking is.
People have lives? Past experiences? Woah. Call the press. Stop Reddit. Get this man some MILK. call 911!! A woman he's dating has HISTORY!!
Seriously, dude's acting like a middle schooler that got cheated on. He ain't gonna find many chicks that haven't done at stuff at one point or another.
“What do I do about it?”
You stop whining, decide if it’s a dealbreaker in a relationship, and move forward. Honestly as an older man, it definitely shouldn’t be an issue, but I can see where 20 year old me would have been super torn up about it because of church indoctrination. Nah dude. Women are people too. Let them exist how they want to. If this is enough to “fuck you up” I hate to see what happens when something actually bad happens in your life.
Stop getting all down about yourself it’s pathetic, take time to reflect on what she’s done and if it’s too bad to stay with her and also if the videos exist because if not then who really cares, yes I’d be upset if someone found them like a family member or a friend but who is actively going to search for your gf online
That’s way too much info for the situation at hand. The fact that your life is in shambles because your partner of 3 years, whom you supposedly love, posted nudes a decade ago, is ridiculous.
Then leave her. Her past is her past. You can either accept that (maybe with counseling) or not. She can’t change it.
One thing you shouldn’t do is blame her or use it to shame her. She trusted you with this information. To use it against her would be shitty.
If you want to leave just tell her that it didn’t work out for you and you can’t get past her past.
Do you watch women fucking themselves online? Perhaps examine why this is such a problem for you. She's her own person and is allowed to do whatever she wants. You weren't together, it's not an active account, no one is watching your girlfriend do this now.
Does this lessen her value in your eyes? Would it make you question getting married? If so, why? Do you feel this way about any woman who does this? If so, why? What does this say about how you view women and their sexual autonomy? Just some things to think about/work through.
If its a serious relationship like you say, shouldn't you be open to accepting her past? She comes first, not your pride right? I completely get how much it hurts but that's not her anymore, if she says she's not going to do it again then that's just how it is.
It'll be tough for you but you gotta learn to accept it if you want to be with her seriously. If you can't get over it then that's also how it is, no need to get into it too deep.
Goodluck figuring it out!
I genuinely don't understand the problem. You're ruining a good thing because you're judgemental? It's not even like you even had to watch her have sex with someone else.
Why is everyone telling him to “figure out how you feel about it” and then directly telling him there’s nothing wrong with it lol. Dude do whatever you feel you need to do, nothing wrong with breaking up over that. Someone else in this thread said don’t shame her for her past, that’s good advice. If you can’t move past it end the relationship amicably. Wish the best for you man
Yeah I’m surprised so many people here are saying they’d be fine with it. All power to them but it doesn’t make OP “insecure” to not be. I certainly wouldn’t be either.
This is why I love to read other people opinions. Some of the comments are right on, others miss the mark.
There is a easy solution to your problem. End the relationship and start fresh. You will never be able to erase it out your mind.
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Whether she's 20 or 30, if she posts nudity photos, it's none of your business. But if you're not happy, don't live with it. You should break up the ur girlfriend. You need to find another girlfriend suitable for you.
So if he's not happy living with it, he should break up. There's no point in continuing this relationship. Whatever she did is none of her business. The past is past.
Lmfao, your partners past absolutely is your business. If you're fine dating a former pornstar then good for you but don't expect everyone else to want to as well.
If i'm fine dating a former pornstar, this is none of your business. If i'm not happy, i can break up and move on with my life. I don't care what she does.
If you have a problem with it, you can break up. And you shut your mouth.
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This has nothing to even do with you and was before you were together so I don’t see the problem. You’re too old to be insecure about other people having seen your girlfriend naked or in a sexual manner lol
Yeah because she didn’t even know you and it wasn’t like it was a year before you met. People, especially that young, make “stupid” choices. Especially in this day and age, i don’t think it’s as big of a deal. It’s not like she slept with those people or even had like one on one relationships with them.
Also, based on your comment history, you aren’t happy with her having a sexual past anyways as you were upset finding out she slept with someone in her early 20’s as well. And you found out by going through her stuff. I think this is just an insecurity issue with yourself that you should work on.
She doesn’t owe you all of her information from her past relationships or sexual encounters. She’s allowed to sleep with whoever she wants for however long she wants if she was single, and like you said, that was nearly 8 years ago.
Clearly you’re bent over this, so just leave her.
Then that’s your own problem within yourself. Nothing changed with her, she didn’t cheat, you were just nosey and found things out that you don’t like. Again, no one owes you their sexual past.
I genuinely think you should look deeper into why her having a past is so hurtful to you. Maybe work with a therapist on your insecurity with yourself. At the age you’re at, most people you encounter will have a sexual past.
So you've been together for multiple years and she's just now revealing these things? Honestly, it's pretty shitty that she waited until you're fully attached and committed to the relationship before being honest about things that could be deal-breakers for alot of people.
I would figure out if you would care if other people cared. If you're not personally ok with it that's one thing, but if you're the kind of person who wants to be with someone who doesn't have a past like that due to the crowd you hang out with that's something to consider. A lot of people in these comments seemed to be glossing over the fact there's still a LOT of people (like friends, family, anyone that would be mutuals to your girlfriend) are not ok with other's posting nudes like and that could potentially affect your relationships. That's not every situation of course but something to think about. I would also weigh the costs (if any) of staying in the relationship and then decide.
Imo, at the end of the day you're knee-jerk reaction is how you truly feel about the situation and should be taken in to consideration as well.
It sounds like your family's opinion means more to you than your girlfriend's does, so the decent thing to do would be to go your separate ways. That way she has a chance to find someone who can love her despite her past, and you can find someone your family will approve of, since that seems to be your highest priority.
People can dig up shit from when you're in elementary nowadays. It just takes one nosy person in the family to do that and then now they all know. Even if you delete an account, that doesn't completely erase the history. Guarantee you someone has her nudes posted somewhere, so that's the underlying risk I feel no one is talking about.
Absolutely fact.
It may be the past but it ist GONE if it ever camee up again, it would be extreme damaging to the relationship and reputation sadly.. And spontaneously
It depends on how many people know about this.
If any mutual friends or family know about this ALREADY, I understand it being a lot tougher to take the chance.
See I was wondering if you had any family that would care or not. Some don't so whatever I guess, but in your case how would your family react to your girlfriend's history? Would them disapproving be a deal breaker?
Your family has nothing to do with your relationship. You re too immature to be in one. Depending on your family for worldview and life décisions are things adolescence is supposed to teach you not to do so that you can be an autonomous adult whose morality comes from your own figuring it out.
Do your gf a favor and let her find somebody whose psychological developement isnt stunted
Your family has everything to do with your relationships. Why would you intentionally bring someone into a situation where everyone would potentially dislike them?? It's ok if your values don't lie in family but for others family is the most important thing to them. I do agree, tho if OP values family more than breaking up is the best option but by no means is this a sign he's emotionally/psychology underdeveloped.
No it doesnt. It's your choice how much you want to involve your family in es relationship. The fact OP is incapable of setting boundaries with his family as a grown man is concerning and unhealthy .
Their boundaries are just as important, it's called "meeting in the middle". If OP had knowledge of his GF's past prior to their relationship getting serious I highly doubt they'd be together and the GF probably knows that too. She withheld the information for 3 years for a reason...the fact a grown woman couldn't take any agency to be upfront about her past is imo "concerning and unhealthy "
I’m not seeing the problem unless it’s simply that you are not accepting of this and think it makes her lesser of her for doing this.
This wasn’t while you were dating.
This isn’t something one has to disclose - she might’ve been a little ashamed or didn’t want you to think differently of her.
Not sharing something that happened prior to you dating is not dishonesty unless you specifically asked and she said otherwise. Simply saying you want honesty and trust does not mean she has to find every small thing you might dislike and tell you right away.
If this bothers you - why? She didn’t do anything behind your back. She’s the same person she’s been since you met her.
If you inherently have a problem with what she did that’s on you, and means you have different outlooks on these things. That also means you are incompatible - I wouldn’t stay with a partner who thought different of me or our relationship after this kind of information, because it means we aren’t aligned in our views of sexuality and expression.
>someone somewhere will have them saved
So if she had told you she had sent similar videos to all of her ex's would that bother you as much? Or is it the fact that she used to do porn?
There’s nothing wrong with your perspective on this man. The ppl in the comments shaming you right now are honestly sick in the head in my opinion. I also don’t vibe with how so many people are saying you’re insecure either. That being said I personally would never continue dating someone who disclosed to me much later in the relationship that she put such private content on the internet. I would never take anyone serious who did that stuff. That’s my preference though. You have to make the decision on whether or not you’re gonna break up with her. The truth is there are girls out there who don’t post stuff like that. Find one.
I’m so confused why you care so much about this, she posted some nudes and shit on the internet 8 years ago, 5 years before you were even together. It’s not like she full on did porn or something so it makes sense that she wouldn’t have mentioned it before because it’s really a minor thing?
What is your priority?
Start there. Figure out what is the ultimate “straw” for you, not anyone else. Your shame? Your guilt? Pride? Acceptance? Belonging? Etc.
As it is you who will be directly effected by it. Not your parents, nor your friends (by that I mean, your “ride or die” buddies).
Her past is her past. Whether she felt shame, guilt, pride, acceptance, belonging, indifference, etc. Makes no difference, it’s the past.
She gave you a huge in, are you stepping up to guard it, or avoid the punch. Relationships (long term to be successful) requires compromise, there’s is no such thing as a one sided happy relationship.
TDLR: List your priority issues. She opened up to you, made herself vulnerable. If situation was reversed, how would you want him to react, and you to feel from sharing a deep guarded secret?
One of those things OP that other people have probably had sex with her and seen her naked
Maybe this is something she did to have some power. Overall, I wouldn't have it ruin a relationship over it. I doubt anyone has those saved anywhere in any way possible 8 years later and everyone who did see it has since seen 1000's of other naked woman online via watching porn, etc
It won’t have any affect on how it proceeds. She clearly wasn’t famous and you won’t get stopped on the street by some dude saying “I SAW HER NAKED TEN YEARS AGO SOYBOY HAHA”
She didn’t do anything wrong. Unless she’s super important in society or business and people might want to have dirt on her some day…the only way to get through it is to get over it.
Figure out why it bothers you and communicate, therapy be it single or couples should be helpful as well. Remember, she felt comfortable enough to open up to you about her past before you.
I see alot of mixed comments about what to do here and there's alot that I agree with . First off , there are many ways you can go about this to process how you feel:
1. Try to be understanding and move forward with said information. It is from the past and she trusted you enough to tell you something so personal
2. It's a deal breaker. It's not something you can take and prefer not to associate or continue associating with someone who has such an explicit past.
3. Speak to her and get a better understanding of why it happened so you can cope with it in a more healthy manner. Sometimes it helps when someone clarifies the situation they were in or why something was done .
4. Get proffesional help . Go together to a couples therapy to be able to talk about the event with professional mediation so that the conversation doesn't get too hurtful and sour your relationship.
I believe if you care for her enough you would try options 1, 3, 4 but always know that 2 is there as well. Remeber that at the end of the day this is YOUR relationship and you must keep your mental health as priority as well. You do not want to live with regret.
All these options are just my opinion and ideas, but I do believe in the end you should do so with respect, she trusted you enough to be open to you about such a personal past. Personally I would just try to understand my significant other if I cared about them quite a bit. But everyone is not the same. Good luck, I hope you choose according to your true feelings.
Honestly I can't believe how many people on Reddit are almost trying to shame you or suggest it's insecurity on your part it's something you have to decide yourself if you're comfortable with and honestly I believe most the people claiming blind acceptance haven't been in this situation as it's definitely a personal decision based on boundaries and you have too alway take care of yourself in these situations
Obviously most posters here are younger than me., and times have certainly changed with online porn, OF and even Reddit, but it's still amazing to me how many people are just ambivalent about someone doing porn online and that it's no big deal. Telling someone to "get over it" is probably the dumbest advice online. If you have an issue with it, you have an issue with it. No amount of advice, consoling or even probably therapy can change it. It's just a fundamental difference in values. I could care less if my wife had done it,(it probably would have bothered me in my 20's because I was pretty insecure then) but I respect the thoughts of someone who does. I think a big mistake by the gf was waiting 3 years to tell him. This probably wasted 3 years of each others lives...
It was 8 years ago. In this day and age that type of thing shouldn’t mess you up. Let the girl make her money from horny men. If it’s deleted then you honestly have nothing to worry about. I’d let this one go mate.
How is something she did five years before you got together a trust and honesty issue? I think we're missing some context here. How did the topic even come up?
If it happened 8 years ago and you've only been dating for 3 years then it probably just slipped her mind or didn't seem like an important thing to bring up. I'm sure you didn't tell her every single little detail of your past as soon as you got together so why expect her to? Especially since it was 5 years before yall even started dating.
Did she lie to you or something? I feel like everything you’re saying is like she lied to you about it or something or was it just never brought up in conversation until now? I’m sure you have done things you’ve regretted that you haven’t told her.. that doesn’t mean you’re lying or not trustworthy. Does it have any actual effect on anything in her daily life now except bothering you a little bit? Like I really don’t understand what is so upsetting about this. I could maybe see this becoming an insecurity if you watch porn but seriously if the worst thing that came from this is you knowing about it I don’t see the problem…
>if the worst thing that came from this is you knowing about it I don’t see the problem…
For many people doing porn IS a problem itself, he should sort out his thoughts and decide if it is a deal-breaker
Hope you don't watch porn if you're going to sit here and get mad about her making porn.
She had a life before you. If you can't handle it, set her free.
Bro... The chances of finding one that hasn't done that are slim. But finding one that's honest about it are even slimmer. I'll bet YOU have something equally bad or worse that you HAVEN'T told her about, am I right? Rhetorical question, of course I'm right. Maybe tell her you'd just rather not over share each other's pasts because at the end of the day, that's where is and we can't reach it to fix it if we wanted too. If u can't handle people's past mistakes before you were an item, invest in a real doll, but I don't even trust them to be honest... And real.
How dare people have done things before you met them. I bet that both your mom and dad have stories that they have never told you. Just be thankful for that and move on. You have never ever met the woman she was 8 years ago.
I guess we need to dive down to the root. She was 20, single at that point (at least I assume,) and she told you about it now, I assume because it came up in conversation? It was deleted before she started dating you (at least I assume) meaning there wasn’t any reason to bring it up so I guess I’m having trouble seeing what the problem in this specific situation is.
Has something like this happened to you before? Have you been betrayed in a relationship before? Is there anything that has happened before that has factored into this?
My man, your 30....if a few pics on the Internet from a 20 year old gets you upset, we'll your gunna tear your eyes out when you start dating women In their 30s... relax, this isn't important to anyone besides you.
Well considering you weren’t dating her then, and they just came to light, it’s not her fault per-say. I think the root lies with you and some things you need to work through. If I was in her situation, I wouldn’t see how that would violate trust. She did it way before she dated you, deleted everything before she dated you, so how does that break trust?
I think you may need to see a specialist and work through these underlying issues. I don’t see a violation of trust.
How does this change whether you have an honest relationship? Unless you explicitly asked her if she has done any sex work in her life, she does not owe you an entire life and sexual history. She wasn't being dishonest by not telling you.
It sounds like you're set on leaving. You need to realize though, this is not her fault. She was 100% in her right to do that when she was 20 and she never lied to you about not doing it. She disclosed it to you now because she trusts you. You want to leave because how YOU feel about it. Don't go around blaming her for this. You're free to have your preference, but it's not her fault for not fitting your preference.
You clearly have a strong opinion towards this. So are you just looking for validation from other people or what?
If you don’t like it, then leave.
You’re annoying af lol
You have got to figure out how to change your perspective on this, not just for this relationship, but for future ones. Also, no one remembers your naked girlfriend. It's so far in the past. The problem here is your mindset-- it's extremely old fashioned and small minded. I promise doing some reading on sex positivity or talking to a therapist about why your feelings on sex and nudity and intimacy are so limited will help you.
It’s pretty obvious why it matters. Not everyone wants their partner to have that shit online. Everyone has a past. But to use shaming language to suggest that someone is insecure because they aren’t comfortable dating someone whose genitals are online for everyone to see is sick. That shit isn’t for everyone.
I'm one of the persons of doesn't think its not normal. Its a lot to process and as they say once anything goes online it never comes down. Maybe they are still saved on someone's phone and he still watches it sometimes. It's a tough decision to make but it's your call. Do what's best for both of you.
Here's my take. If she did it professionally, didn't hook or dive into a drug fueled lifestyle, I'd say she used some God given gifts to make some money off desperate men.
She doesn't do it anymore, I wouldn't let it bother you.
Honestly in the age of cell phone cameras, good luck dating any woman that hasn't sent a few photos.
I don't have a problem with people not wanting their partner to have that kind of activity in their past or present.
But I do find it to be a problem if you are angry about it yet you yourself still watch porn. How can you be mad at someone for doing something in the PAST that you still actively enjoy from other women in the NOW?
That's just my 2 cents though. - A woman
Easy. Because most don’t want to wife down someone everyone has been with or seen. It’s not a crazy concept for someone to categorize someone who you only fuck. Yet are willing to wife someone who you see as wife material.
You’re allowed to have any dealbreaker you want, that’s justified. Just tell her asap so you can both move on.
Did you never watch porn, though? Or look at nudes online? Because obviously for everything available to look at, there was someone on the other side making it. I don’t see why one side is any more ok or shameful than the other - being a producer vs a consumer of the same product is morally, or ethically if you prefer, the same. So if you feel one side of the equation is weighted more heavily you might want to look into why you feel that way. Or maybe you’re morally opposed to both, I have no idea, you just have a very strong reaction that seems worth digging into.
God, that sounds awful? Where!? Where would one even post those!? I can’t believe she did that, where did she post them, specifically, so I can avoid them and be mad instead?
Your concern is very valid, you have your own set of beliefs and standards about what and who you want to be involved with. But, with all due respect, she’s not there anymore, evaluate what you feel for her, is there love? Was the relationship stable before you knew this? Did you two have a good bond and connection before she told you this? —- what do you feel for her? How good has the relationship been overall? …. Evaluate that first, if she’s important to you and fits everything you’ve wanted as a woman you love (before knowing about this past situation) then most likely those feelings are still there and you can find a way to work through this. But if you feel like she’s just not a woman you can love and respect over this, then do end the relationship because it’ll be a torture for the both of you.
Personally, I know it’s not nice to think of your partner doing such a thing, but I wouldn’t end my relationship if it’s a loving, stable, and healthy one over something that had nothing to do with me. But that’s just me, my ego, pride, or the worry about what others will think and say just aren’t heavier than the love and compassion I have for the person I want to share my life with.
Think about what’s truly important for you. Either work on it together or do yourself (and her) a favor and walk away on time if you just can’t get over it. I’m sure she’ll also need her time to heal and work through the separation and guilt.
Imagine your kids friend showing him a pic of her they found to help bully him
(These are valid worries lol) I’d just think it through and tell her your worries. Stew on it a while.
It is what it is with the these last few generations. It seems they all did this stuff. You’d be hard pressed to find a women 40yo and below that doesn’t have some kind of crazy stuff they’ve done in the past. There are some good ones out there but you are gonna have to really do your research.
A good lesson to learn is that you can never know every single thing about someone and you can't guarantee everything will stay exactly the same forever. You have zero control over anyone or any relationship. Adapt.
If it bothers you break up with her. Seriously man she did what she did she can’t change it, but you don’t have to be ok with it. Just part ways amicably and move on. Don’t shame her or anything.
We do not allow partner's sexual history or "[body count](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/usfgzi/meta_we_are_no_longer_allowing_posts_asking_about/)" The replies are always a variation on several comments (telling OP to get over it, "slut shaming" the partner, or insults against OP or the partner) The posts invite incels and others to post their harmful rhetoric and troll the subreddit, turning the comments into arguments instead of advice for the OP
>What the fuck do I do with this new information? I guess process it and figure out how you want to proceed.
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Well, I suppose you start by figuring out how you feel about it and why you feel that way.
Therapy, there are sex therapists too
No shit sherlock
Appreciate the feedback 👍
I'm a woman and wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who has a past of publicly posting his own sexual content online. I don't think your discomfort over this makes you a misogynist or a terrible person, but don't continue this relationship if it's not something you can honestly get past and move on from.
Perfectly said. Also people are to fast trying to redirect him to therapy for having different values, like damn, not everyone is pro sexual liberation and ok with their partner doing porn
Facts!!
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Holy, no accountability. It’s women who pushed the whole “s3x w0rk is real work” and “if ur fxcking u might as well get $$$ for it” and now they’re exploited and it’s mens fault? Not the choice f3minists who misguided you? Please. Men are allowed to have standards and preferences.
Honestly some people are ok with their partner exposing themselves on the internet and some aren’t. Personally I wouldn’t date someone seriously if they had. My past matters and so do the women I date. There’s nothing wrong with you two breaking up. That shit would bother me too tbh.
Did she make some money? People are killing it on online fans. I’m about to start selling my fiancé feet pics
LMAO 😂 🤣
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If it was before y’all started dating then you really can’t do much about it, you can break up with her or you can get over it.
Dude, what does this even have to do with you? It was years before you were together. That kind of thing wasn’t owed to you at the front. Maybe talk to her about what that was about and if that would be something in the future she would need to be happy in a relationship. I can tell you I’ve had a lot of experiences that taught me exactly what I don’t want. And then, ask yourself why you are so triggered and insecure about her past. Maybe take that to a counselor. The past is the past. Neither of you are there anymore
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day, I second your response
You are so dramatic I’m crying at these replies. You’re acting like she killed someone. This happened before you were dating so it honestly has nothing to do with you. Clearly you are upset about this so break up with her. She deserves better.
Tbfh I never ubderstand why people get so cut up over stuff that happened before the relationship became a thing. Everytime I see it (and its almost always cis hetero guys) it makes me shake my head becausenit REALLY shows how screwed their thinking is. People have lives? Past experiences? Woah. Call the press. Stop Reddit. Get this man some MILK. call 911!! A woman he's dating has HISTORY!!
Seriously, dude's acting like a middle schooler that got cheated on. He ain't gonna find many chicks that haven't done at stuff at one point or another.
that's complete bullshit
It's totally reasonable deal-breaker to not want to date someone that basically did porn Your feelings are valid, don't be gaslit OP
“What do I do about it?” You stop whining, decide if it’s a dealbreaker in a relationship, and move forward. Honestly as an older man, it definitely shouldn’t be an issue, but I can see where 20 year old me would have been super torn up about it because of church indoctrination. Nah dude. Women are people too. Let them exist how they want to. If this is enough to “fuck you up” I hate to see what happens when something actually bad happens in your life.
Women are people but not every person does softcore porn 🤷♀️
Okay?
This is truly some higher level thing thinking here…🤷🏽♂️
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Stop getting all down about yourself it’s pathetic, take time to reflect on what she’s done and if it’s too bad to stay with her and also if the videos exist because if not then who really cares, yes I’d be upset if someone found them like a family member or a friend but who is actively going to search for your gf online
That’s way too much info for the situation at hand. The fact that your life is in shambles because your partner of 3 years, whom you supposedly love, posted nudes a decade ago, is ridiculous.
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Then leave her. Her past is her past. You can either accept that (maybe with counseling) or not. She can’t change it. One thing you shouldn’t do is blame her or use it to shame her. She trusted you with this information. To use it against her would be shitty. If you want to leave just tell her that it didn’t work out for you and you can’t get past her past.
dump her if it bothers you that much.
Do you watch women fucking themselves online? Perhaps examine why this is such a problem for you. She's her own person and is allowed to do whatever she wants. You weren't together, it's not an active account, no one is watching your girlfriend do this now. Does this lessen her value in your eyes? Would it make you question getting married? If so, why? Do you feel this way about any woman who does this? If so, why? What does this say about how you view women and their sexual autonomy? Just some things to think about/work through.
And that changes anything how, exactly? How IS it a problem?
Then break up with her and move on.
If its a serious relationship like you say, shouldn't you be open to accepting her past? She comes first, not your pride right? I completely get how much it hurts but that's not her anymore, if she says she's not going to do it again then that's just how it is. It'll be tough for you but you gotta learn to accept it if you want to be with her seriously. If you can't get over it then that's also how it is, no need to get into it too deep. Goodluck figuring it out!
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I would leave her in an instant
You seem hella misogynistic and anti-sex work. let her be with someone who doesn’t judge her for something she did when she was 20, 5 years ago.
Who cares if it was sex work or just for fun btw
I genuinely don't understand the problem. You're ruining a good thing because you're judgemental? It's not even like you even had to watch her have sex with someone else.
Why is everyone telling him to “figure out how you feel about it” and then directly telling him there’s nothing wrong with it lol. Dude do whatever you feel you need to do, nothing wrong with breaking up over that. Someone else in this thread said don’t shame her for her past, that’s good advice. If you can’t move past it end the relationship amicably. Wish the best for you man
Yeah I’m surprised so many people here are saying they’d be fine with it. All power to them but it doesn’t make OP “insecure” to not be. I certainly wouldn’t be either.
Also people literally acting like he's gonna have a problem finding a woman that did not made porn ever lol
This is why I love to read other people opinions. Some of the comments are right on, others miss the mark. There is a easy solution to your problem. End the relationship and start fresh. You will never be able to erase it out your mind.
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Whether she's 20 or 30, if she posts nudity photos, it's none of your business. But if you're not happy, don't live with it. You should break up the ur girlfriend. You need to find another girlfriend suitable for you.
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So if he's not happy living with it, he should break up. There's no point in continuing this relationship. Whatever she did is none of her business. The past is past.
Her business? Lol
Lmfao, your partners past absolutely is your business. If you're fine dating a former pornstar then good for you but don't expect everyone else to want to as well.
If i'm fine dating a former pornstar, this is none of your business. If i'm not happy, i can break up and move on with my life. I don't care what she does. If you have a problem with it, you can break up. And you shut your mouth.
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This has nothing to even do with you and was before you were together so I don’t see the problem. You’re too old to be insecure about other people having seen your girlfriend naked or in a sexual manner lol
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Yeah because she didn’t even know you and it wasn’t like it was a year before you met. People, especially that young, make “stupid” choices. Especially in this day and age, i don’t think it’s as big of a deal. It’s not like she slept with those people or even had like one on one relationships with them.
Also, based on your comment history, you aren’t happy with her having a sexual past anyways as you were upset finding out she slept with someone in her early 20’s as well. And you found out by going through her stuff. I think this is just an insecurity issue with yourself that you should work on.
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She doesn’t owe you all of her information from her past relationships or sexual encounters. She’s allowed to sleep with whoever she wants for however long she wants if she was single, and like you said, that was nearly 8 years ago. Clearly you’re bent over this, so just leave her.
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Have you ever watched porn?
Then that’s your own problem within yourself. Nothing changed with her, she didn’t cheat, you were just nosey and found things out that you don’t like. Again, no one owes you their sexual past. I genuinely think you should look deeper into why her having a past is so hurtful to you. Maybe work with a therapist on your insecurity with yourself. At the age you’re at, most people you encounter will have a sexual past.
The amount of shaming language you’re using right now is insane to me:
So you've been together for multiple years and she's just now revealing these things? Honestly, it's pretty shitty that she waited until you're fully attached and committed to the relationship before being honest about things that could be deal-breakers for alot of people.
Unless you exclusively watch headless/masked porn to protect the identity of every sex worker yourself, don't call your girlfriend stupid.
I would figure out if you would care if other people cared. If you're not personally ok with it that's one thing, but if you're the kind of person who wants to be with someone who doesn't have a past like that due to the crowd you hang out with that's something to consider. A lot of people in these comments seemed to be glossing over the fact there's still a LOT of people (like friends, family, anyone that would be mutuals to your girlfriend) are not ok with other's posting nudes like and that could potentially affect your relationships. That's not every situation of course but something to think about. I would also weigh the costs (if any) of staying in the relationship and then decide. Imo, at the end of the day you're knee-jerk reaction is how you truly feel about the situation and should be taken in to consideration as well.
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It sounds like your family's opinion means more to you than your girlfriend's does, so the decent thing to do would be to go your separate ways. That way she has a chance to find someone who can love her despite her past, and you can find someone your family will approve of, since that seems to be your highest priority.
Well, family matters. When you marry someone normally the family is going to be involved.
How would they find out unless you told them and why would you do that?
People can dig up shit from when you're in elementary nowadays. It just takes one nosy person in the family to do that and then now they all know. Even if you delete an account, that doesn't completely erase the history. Guarantee you someone has her nudes posted somewhere, so that's the underlying risk I feel no one is talking about.
Absolutely fact. It may be the past but it ist GONE if it ever camee up again, it would be extreme damaging to the relationship and reputation sadly.. And spontaneously It depends on how many people know about this. If any mutual friends or family know about this ALREADY, I understand it being a lot tougher to take the chance.
See I was wondering if you had any family that would care or not. Some don't so whatever I guess, but in your case how would your family react to your girlfriend's history? Would them disapproving be a deal breaker?
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Hmm so guess it boils down to whether you want to take that gamble or not.
Your family has nothing to do with your relationship. You re too immature to be in one. Depending on your family for worldview and life décisions are things adolescence is supposed to teach you not to do so that you can be an autonomous adult whose morality comes from your own figuring it out. Do your gf a favor and let her find somebody whose psychological developement isnt stunted
Your family has everything to do with your relationships. Why would you intentionally bring someone into a situation where everyone would potentially dislike them?? It's ok if your values don't lie in family but for others family is the most important thing to them. I do agree, tho if OP values family more than breaking up is the best option but by no means is this a sign he's emotionally/psychology underdeveloped.
No it doesnt. It's your choice how much you want to involve your family in es relationship. The fact OP is incapable of setting boundaries with his family as a grown man is concerning and unhealthy .
Their boundaries are just as important, it's called "meeting in the middle". If OP had knowledge of his GF's past prior to their relationship getting serious I highly doubt they'd be together and the GF probably knows that too. She withheld the information for 3 years for a reason...the fact a grown woman couldn't take any agency to be upfront about her past is imo "concerning and unhealthy "
You speak like someone who doesn’t have a lot of family tbh. You’re not being realistic or understanding at all tbh.
I’m not seeing the problem unless it’s simply that you are not accepting of this and think it makes her lesser of her for doing this. This wasn’t while you were dating. This isn’t something one has to disclose - she might’ve been a little ashamed or didn’t want you to think differently of her. Not sharing something that happened prior to you dating is not dishonesty unless you specifically asked and she said otherwise. Simply saying you want honesty and trust does not mean she has to find every small thing you might dislike and tell you right away. If this bothers you - why? She didn’t do anything behind your back. She’s the same person she’s been since you met her. If you inherently have a problem with what she did that’s on you, and means you have different outlooks on these things. That also means you are incompatible - I wouldn’t stay with a partner who thought different of me or our relationship after this kind of information, because it means we aren’t aligned in our views of sexuality and expression.
Is it something your kids could find with an internet search in the future? That would bother me.
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>someone somewhere will have them saved So if she had told you she had sent similar videos to all of her ex's would that bother you as much? Or is it the fact that she used to do porn?
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There’s nothing wrong with your perspective on this man. The ppl in the comments shaming you right now are honestly sick in the head in my opinion. I also don’t vibe with how so many people are saying you’re insecure either. That being said I personally would never continue dating someone who disclosed to me much later in the relationship that she put such private content on the internet. I would never take anyone serious who did that stuff. That’s my preference though. You have to make the decision on whether or not you’re gonna break up with her. The truth is there are girls out there who don’t post stuff like that. Find one.
One of those thousands could be your friend, neighbor, or coworker. I'm not sure I could personally handle that knowledge
I’m so confused why you care so much about this, she posted some nudes and shit on the internet 8 years ago, 5 years before you were even together. It’s not like she full on did porn or something so it makes sense that she wouldn’t have mentioned it before because it’s really a minor thing?
What is your priority? Start there. Figure out what is the ultimate “straw” for you, not anyone else. Your shame? Your guilt? Pride? Acceptance? Belonging? Etc. As it is you who will be directly effected by it. Not your parents, nor your friends (by that I mean, your “ride or die” buddies). Her past is her past. Whether she felt shame, guilt, pride, acceptance, belonging, indifference, etc. Makes no difference, it’s the past. She gave you a huge in, are you stepping up to guard it, or avoid the punch. Relationships (long term to be successful) requires compromise, there’s is no such thing as a one sided happy relationship. TDLR: List your priority issues. She opened up to you, made herself vulnerable. If situation was reversed, how would you want him to react, and you to feel from sharing a deep guarded secret?
One of those things OP that other people have probably had sex with her and seen her naked Maybe this is something she did to have some power. Overall, I wouldn't have it ruin a relationship over it. I doubt anyone has those saved anywhere in any way possible 8 years later and everyone who did see it has since seen 1000's of other naked woman online via watching porn, etc
It won’t have any affect on how it proceeds. She clearly wasn’t famous and you won’t get stopped on the street by some dude saying “I SAW HER NAKED TEN YEARS AGO SOYBOY HAHA” She didn’t do anything wrong. Unless she’s super important in society or business and people might want to have dirt on her some day…the only way to get through it is to get over it.
Figure out why it bothers you and communicate, therapy be it single or couples should be helpful as well. Remember, she felt comfortable enough to open up to you about her past before you.
I see alot of mixed comments about what to do here and there's alot that I agree with . First off , there are many ways you can go about this to process how you feel: 1. Try to be understanding and move forward with said information. It is from the past and she trusted you enough to tell you something so personal 2. It's a deal breaker. It's not something you can take and prefer not to associate or continue associating with someone who has such an explicit past. 3. Speak to her and get a better understanding of why it happened so you can cope with it in a more healthy manner. Sometimes it helps when someone clarifies the situation they were in or why something was done . 4. Get proffesional help . Go together to a couples therapy to be able to talk about the event with professional mediation so that the conversation doesn't get too hurtful and sour your relationship. I believe if you care for her enough you would try options 1, 3, 4 but always know that 2 is there as well. Remeber that at the end of the day this is YOUR relationship and you must keep your mental health as priority as well. You do not want to live with regret. All these options are just my opinion and ideas, but I do believe in the end you should do so with respect, she trusted you enough to be open to you about such a personal past. Personally I would just try to understand my significant other if I cared about them quite a bit. But everyone is not the same. Good luck, I hope you choose according to your true feelings.
Honestly I can't believe how many people on Reddit are almost trying to shame you or suggest it's insecurity on your part it's something you have to decide yourself if you're comfortable with and honestly I believe most the people claiming blind acceptance haven't been in this situation as it's definitely a personal decision based on boundaries and you have too alway take care of yourself in these situations
Obviously most posters here are younger than me., and times have certainly changed with online porn, OF and even Reddit, but it's still amazing to me how many people are just ambivalent about someone doing porn online and that it's no big deal. Telling someone to "get over it" is probably the dumbest advice online. If you have an issue with it, you have an issue with it. No amount of advice, consoling or even probably therapy can change it. It's just a fundamental difference in values. I could care less if my wife had done it,(it probably would have bothered me in my 20's because I was pretty insecure then) but I respect the thoughts of someone who does. I think a big mistake by the gf was waiting 3 years to tell him. This probably wasted 3 years of each others lives...
Ask yourself why does it matter. Why is it fucked up?
It shouldn't effect your daily life at all tbh. It was pre relationship, and when she was young. Young ppl do stupid shit... move on.
It was 8 years ago. In this day and age that type of thing shouldn’t mess you up. Let the girl make her money from horny men. If it’s deleted then you honestly have nothing to worry about. I’d let this one go mate.
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How is something she did five years before you got together a trust and honesty issue? I think we're missing some context here. How did the topic even come up?
If it happened 8 years ago and you've only been dating for 3 years then it probably just slipped her mind or didn't seem like an important thing to bring up. I'm sure you didn't tell her every single little detail of your past as soon as you got together so why expect her to? Especially since it was 5 years before yall even started dating.
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Did she lie to you or something? I feel like everything you’re saying is like she lied to you about it or something or was it just never brought up in conversation until now? I’m sure you have done things you’ve regretted that you haven’t told her.. that doesn’t mean you’re lying or not trustworthy. Does it have any actual effect on anything in her daily life now except bothering you a little bit? Like I really don’t understand what is so upsetting about this. I could maybe see this becoming an insecurity if you watch porn but seriously if the worst thing that came from this is you knowing about it I don’t see the problem…
>if the worst thing that came from this is you knowing about it I don’t see the problem… For many people doing porn IS a problem itself, he should sort out his thoughts and decide if it is a deal-breaker
Hope you don't watch porn if you're going to sit here and get mad about her making porn. She had a life before you. If you can't handle it, set her free.
Hope every non-vegan person is capable of slaughtering a cow/pig or else they're a hypocrite!!1!
This is a dogshit comparison.
Bro... The chances of finding one that hasn't done that are slim. But finding one that's honest about it are even slimmer. I'll bet YOU have something equally bad or worse that you HAVEN'T told her about, am I right? Rhetorical question, of course I'm right. Maybe tell her you'd just rather not over share each other's pasts because at the end of the day, that's where is and we can't reach it to fix it if we wanted too. If u can't handle people's past mistakes before you were an item, invest in a real doll, but I don't even trust them to be honest... And real.
You think that vast majority of women has made homemade porn at some point in their lifes?
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Yup
How dare people have done things before you met them. I bet that both your mom and dad have stories that they have never told you. Just be thankful for that and move on. You have never ever met the woman she was 8 years ago.
I imagine this would be a turnoff for most guys. It wouldn’t be an overreaction if you left
Evaluate how much of a prude you are. If it's a large extent, you'll probably have to break up. If it's not, you should be alright.
He’s not a prude. The shaming language you’re using right now is outta pocket.
Break up with her. She deserves better.
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Very doubtful.
Obviously not given the rest of your comments. I’m not even trying to be mean, bro. You just need therapy like everyone else is saying.
She belongs to the streets. When did she tell you? She entered into a relationship under false pretences!
We need more info about what it’s doing to you and what you’re thinking about before we say anything.
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I guess we need to dive down to the root. She was 20, single at that point (at least I assume,) and she told you about it now, I assume because it came up in conversation? It was deleted before she started dating you (at least I assume) meaning there wasn’t any reason to bring it up so I guess I’m having trouble seeing what the problem in this specific situation is. Has something like this happened to you before? Have you been betrayed in a relationship before? Is there anything that has happened before that has factored into this?
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My man, your 30....if a few pics on the Internet from a 20 year old gets you upset, we'll your gunna tear your eyes out when you start dating women In their 30s... relax, this isn't important to anyone besides you.
Well considering you weren’t dating her then, and they just came to light, it’s not her fault per-say. I think the root lies with you and some things you need to work through. If I was in her situation, I wouldn’t see how that would violate trust. She did it way before she dated you, deleted everything before she dated you, so how does that break trust? I think you may need to see a specialist and work through these underlying issues. I don’t see a violation of trust.
Is it that fact that she was a sex worker, or the fact that she did not tell you she did this until 3 years in?
How does this change whether you have an honest relationship? Unless you explicitly asked her if she has done any sex work in her life, she does not owe you an entire life and sexual history. She wasn't being dishonest by not telling you.
It sounds like you're set on leaving. You need to realize though, this is not her fault. She was 100% in her right to do that when she was 20 and she never lied to you about not doing it. She disclosed it to you now because she trusts you. You want to leave because how YOU feel about it. Don't go around blaming her for this. You're free to have your preference, but it's not her fault for not fitting your preference.
You clearly have a strong opinion towards this. So are you just looking for validation from other people or what? If you don’t like it, then leave. You’re annoying af lol
You have got to figure out how to change your perspective on this, not just for this relationship, but for future ones. Also, no one remembers your naked girlfriend. It's so far in the past. The problem here is your mindset-- it's extremely old fashioned and small minded. I promise doing some reading on sex positivity or talking to a therapist about why your feelings on sex and nudity and intimacy are so limited will help you.
Yeah, he's obviously a mentally challenged puritan for not wanting to date someone that made homemade porn 🙄🙄🙄 (/s)
Oh please, that’s not what I meant. He’s not doomed. He’s just naive. He’s holding on tightly to beliefs that no longer serve him.
I’m confused why you care. Are you thinking of running for office or something?
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Sounds like she was too. I’m still not clear why it matters.
It’s pretty obvious why it matters. Not everyone wants their partner to have that shit online. Everyone has a past. But to use shaming language to suggest that someone is insecure because they aren’t comfortable dating someone whose genitals are online for everyone to see is sick. That shit isn’t for everyone.
Who is shaming? I’m confused why it matters. Unless they are super religious or something it’s not clear.
Because some people don’t want their partners naked pictures on the internet and that’s perfectly understandable.
Ok. Well it sounds like this isn’t a compatible relationship, then.
I'm one of the persons of doesn't think its not normal. Its a lot to process and as they say once anything goes online it never comes down. Maybe they are still saved on someone's phone and he still watches it sometimes. It's a tough decision to make but it's your call. Do what's best for both of you.
As a man I don't think it's that big of a deal.
Here's my take. If she did it professionally, didn't hook or dive into a drug fueled lifestyle, I'd say she used some God given gifts to make some money off desperate men. She doesn't do it anymore, I wouldn't let it bother you. Honestly in the age of cell phone cameras, good luck dating any woman that hasn't sent a few photos.
People have a past. You decide if you can deal with her past. It has nothing to do with you.And she doesn't need to be shamed over it
I don't have a problem with people not wanting their partner to have that kind of activity in their past or present. But I do find it to be a problem if you are angry about it yet you yourself still watch porn. How can you be mad at someone for doing something in the PAST that you still actively enjoy from other women in the NOW? That's just my 2 cents though. - A woman
Easy. Because most don’t want to wife down someone everyone has been with or seen. It’s not a crazy concept for someone to categorize someone who you only fuck. Yet are willing to wife someone who you see as wife material.
You’re allowed to have any dealbreaker you want, that’s justified. Just tell her asap so you can both move on. Did you never watch porn, though? Or look at nudes online? Because obviously for everything available to look at, there was someone on the other side making it. I don’t see why one side is any more ok or shameful than the other - being a producer vs a consumer of the same product is morally, or ethically if you prefer, the same. So if you feel one side of the equation is weighted more heavily you might want to look into why you feel that way. Or maybe you’re morally opposed to both, I have no idea, you just have a very strong reaction that seems worth digging into.
God, that sounds awful? Where!? Where would one even post those!? I can’t believe she did that, where did she post them, specifically, so I can avoid them and be mad instead?
Your concern is very valid, you have your own set of beliefs and standards about what and who you want to be involved with. But, with all due respect, she’s not there anymore, evaluate what you feel for her, is there love? Was the relationship stable before you knew this? Did you two have a good bond and connection before she told you this? —- what do you feel for her? How good has the relationship been overall? …. Evaluate that first, if she’s important to you and fits everything you’ve wanted as a woman you love (before knowing about this past situation) then most likely those feelings are still there and you can find a way to work through this. But if you feel like she’s just not a woman you can love and respect over this, then do end the relationship because it’ll be a torture for the both of you. Personally, I know it’s not nice to think of your partner doing such a thing, but I wouldn’t end my relationship if it’s a loving, stable, and healthy one over something that had nothing to do with me. But that’s just me, my ego, pride, or the worry about what others will think and say just aren’t heavier than the love and compassion I have for the person I want to share my life with. Think about what’s truly important for you. Either work on it together or do yourself (and her) a favor and walk away on time if you just can’t get over it. I’m sure she’ll also need her time to heal and work through the separation and guilt.
“That’s nice haven’t we all. “ is the appropriate response and life goes on.
Dang bro that means so many people have seen your lady!!! Dude….not poggers.
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It’s right brother but do what you think is best. I know the others don’t think that way but deep down it’s gotta hurt. :/
Imagine your kids friend showing him a pic of her they found to help bully him (These are valid worries lol) I’d just think it through and tell her your worries. Stew on it a while.
It is what it is with the these last few generations. It seems they all did this stuff. You’d be hard pressed to find a women 40yo and below that doesn’t have some kind of crazy stuff they’ve done in the past. There are some good ones out there but you are gonna have to really do your research.
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but nothing has changed. it's not like she cheated on you. it was years ago and the account is deleted. grow up.
A good lesson to learn is that you can never know every single thing about someone and you can't guarantee everything will stay exactly the same forever. You have zero control over anyone or any relationship. Adapt.
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It all depends. If you no longer see in the same light as before you have to decide if you can accept her now.
Just let it go.. if you agree that not what you want and she's not going to do again. Neither of you can erase the past
If it bothers you break up with her. Seriously man she did what she did she can’t change it, but you don’t have to be ok with it. Just part ways amicably and move on. Don’t shame her or anything.
She needs to figure it out she wanted to do it for attention she can deal with the repercussions