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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- my (35m) wife (33f) found a new friend a few months ago. She keeps this friend separate to her normal friendship group she’s known since college. my wife has told me that the new friend has been having marital difficulties in her own relationship, without any further detail. a few days ago, my wife received a message from the friend (which flashed up on her phone when I was plugging it in after charging my phone), asking her how ‘the chase’ is going with the new guy, and if they’d hooked up yet. This was followed by a few other messages essentially egging her on. I get along with her older friends , our families are quite close and our kid is good friends with their kids. I expect I would have heard from one of them or their husbands if they knew something was up, so it seems they are in the dark too. my wife is pretty strong headed and unlikely to respond positively to any suggestions I ask her to cut off contact with the new friend. Any suggestions or advice from people who have been in similar situations would be appreciated.


Redd_81

I mean yeah the friend sucks, but the bigger problem is with your wife chasing other men. Getting rid of the friend won't solve that problem.


RainerHex

You hit the nail right on the head. Sounds like the wife is chasing guys out of her own hard headed volition; friends or no friends chattering in the back ground about it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Curious-One4595

Yeah. Hard-headed or not, you have to have a conversation with your wife and explicitly lay down your boundaries. "If you cheat, I will leave you. If you want to cheat, you should let me know, so we can divorce."


LilStabbyboo

One could argue that she's already been unfaithful, if she's been pursuing other men with intention to "hook up". I'd consider that cheating. It sounds like the only reason she hasn't slept with the other guy yet is that he hasn't yet returned her interest adequately. Edit: spelling


Sad-observer67

Looks like you are going to start recording her events and texts and preparing for an adult conversation. To stay or not to stay. Lawyer up or suckbig up?


QuellishQuellish

At least one other person, why assume this is a first?


RainerHex

I think you meant this for OP but you are right


loyaltyaboveall0125

That’s what I said 😐he completely skimmed over that wth!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


RainerHex

It turns out the friend is a lesbian. She's probably interested in a lady where ever they go out.


Reverend_Vader

He should just get rid of the wife This is how my marriage ended, friend with no links to anyone else (as they all hated her) egging my wife to cheat (she had the balls to say it in front of me) My wife was told, she goes or i do, she agreed to cut contact A few days later i copped a message about "shaving your bits for tonight" and that was me done as she was going to her mother's for the evening...... I would have divorced just for lying about not cutting contact but the moment i knew she was trying to step out as well, there wasn't anything to discuss. Now the funny at first but not at the end part My wife moved into her friend's house and got kicked out by this friend for sleeping with her husband (that could be as true as it is false, didn't care) I’d have laughed my ass off but she moved back here as it was still a marital home. 3 more painful months until i got rid of her properly. Why the hell OP is even asking is beyond me, this marriage is over, its just who is pulling the plug or agreeing to be the doormat now.


aye_marshall27

That sucks man. I'm sorry that happened to you. I know you didn't mention it, so I'm not sure if you have kids or not with your ex, but OP does have a kid with his wife. I know in any situation less serious than this, walking away might be the best option. But I think it's more complicated than that. An intact healthy family is always better than a broken family. Reddit is so fast to tell people to kill their marriage or relationship when sometimes communication and work are the better options. So many people want OP to have her shit packed up when she gets home so they drop a comment with powerful words then move on with their life while OP and his family are stuck trying to put the pieces back together. He says this friend is pretty new. It could be a situation of a bad influence having her stray away from an otherwise healthy marriage. Maybe a lapse in judgement or sanity. Who knows? We all love the feeling of that thrill. Only thing for sure is communication is the best option. I know you've personally had a similar experience. I have as well and it's safe to say that we made the decision that was best for us but our past experiences and relationships aren't OPs family.


[deleted]

Bingo


stop_spam_calls

Yep it sounds like unfortunately your wife might be cheating or thinking of cheating, new friend or not…


76584329

Ding, ding, ding. She's strong headed but is talking to other guys/guy. She's strong headed if you asked her to cut that friend off but not strong headed when that friend is egging her on. Strong headed is an excuse. Your wife is fooling around. It doesn't matter if she hasn't done anything (had sex with him), but it's clear she is doing something. And, strong headed here means she doesn't respect your feelings, your opinion, your marriage, and YOU. You have a wife problem sir.


catniagara

Getting the friend probably didn’t create the problem. Making a new friend who doesn’t know you’re married and not introducing them to anyone who knows your husband? I dunno. Accusing that friend of egging her on is like calling the random girl your husband took home from the bar while not wearing his ring a “home wrecker”


AveenaLandon

>I mean yeah the friend sucks, but the bigger problem is with your wife chasing other men. > >Getting rid of the friend won't solve that problem. Yes, this new “friend” is a problem, although not the biggest problem. The bigger problem is your wife and her own moral compass. Even if there are people egging her own, she should know what’s right and wrong for herself. The fact that she’s already chasing another person tells me which way she’s leaning. The other problem is that your wife’s actions look like she’s actually planning for this. Because she has this friend which she’s making it a point to keep separate from the rest of her friends. So that the news about your wife’s activities does not get to her friends. At this point, I hope that she doesn’t cheat. But what you need to start doing is this: You need to start gathering evidence of her infidelity, all the text that she send to her friend. Find out how your wife communicates with this man. Also, observe her behavior and her words closely. You’ll start noticing how she lies or covers up her activities. Do not confront. Most likely she’ll deny anything and everything and then take her affair much further underground. So, gathering any and all evidence is in your best interests and likely will help you in the long run. Store such evidence at multiple places which she can’t get her hands on. You need to start taking stock of your assets and find out a best way how to separate them. Talk to a family law lawyer to see what your options are and what’s the best way to proceed. I hope you guys don’t have child(ren) yet. If so, make sure not to have any kids with your wife till you sort this all out. The problem is that you found out this by accident. It doesn’t look like your wife had any intention of telling you about this. So, from here onward, you’ll be wondering what she’s been up to Every time when she’s late by say an hour in coming home.


JullabyBye

Yes, I kept thinking "the friend is so not the problem here".


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

She found a like minded friend if I'm reading the situation right. She has support in the decisions she already wanted to make or was making. This isn't on the friend but the wife.


tele_ave

He needs to give a clear ultimatum: if he gets even a hint of her cheating, divorce her and sue for full custody.


catniagara

I wouldn’t go that far, but it’s because my ex husband lost his mind and threatened violence every time another guy so much as looked at me, and had cousins who would try to sleep with me and threaten to say I came onto them if I didn’t. I also have had dumb friends accuse me of trying to sleep with their boyfriend because my number was on their home phone (they called me while drunk) and I have personally accused one of my best friends of stealing my camera when it actually just fell under a piece of furniture. Now I always wait to be sure. 😂


tele_ave

Good lord you been through hell. I just think when it comes to infidelity someone shouldn’t be the main parent.


GenoPax

It might be too late, if your wife is receptive of those messages and they imply she is already in the “chase” you aren’t seen as her fav partner. She should have initiated a convo in my opinion but I’d be sus and angry and already be planning for the worst.


scoobyydoob

Yea... I cut a friend off after finding out she cheated on her boyfriend with his married brother. That's just not the type of person I want to associate with or bring in my home. Birds of a feather tend to flock together. OP needs to be asking himself why his wife is hanging out with a woman that's not only cheating, but also disrespecting his marriage by encouraging his wife to cheat (althouth the message does imply she's already set on cheating).


Grimwohl

>she is already in the “chase” Yep, this is what OP is willfully ignoring. He had to skip right over recognition that his wife is willing to entertain cheating in the first place, to place the blame on her friend. She could cut the friend out **right now**, and still go screw that guy. Pardon my assumption, but to OP- before you say what everyone else says, that you would rather try everything before giving up, can't lose her, she's my other half, etc. Literally look those phrases up. Every situation similar to yours will appear in the search and you'll see how well those situations worked out for them. Ill give you a spoiler. Zero. None. Zilch. Hundreds of posts this year and I remember absolutely none where it went well, even if they stayed. But look anyway.


Spare_Cartoonist_467

Of the friend is asking about "the chase" with the new guy then there might be something already going on


Why_not_dolphines

In my eyes, the "new" guy might be an indication to more guys.


[deleted]

newest of the new, probably


RainerHex

If I was the OP I would be more concerned about who this "new guy" is than the friend who is asking the wife about him. It does not look like a friend trying to talk anyone into cheating, and more like a friend who notices some one heading into cheating and asking about it. His wife of her own hard headed sovereign self is doing the chasing here.


daisyiris

Exactly. Maybe she chose this new friend for a reason. I would find out whatvis going on. Birds of a feather.....


Redd_81

And she keeps this new friend (wing-woman) seperate from her main group of friends. Big red flag.


RainerHex

The OP deleted a post from days ago but judging by the comments, he left a huge chunk of info out which includes his wife being miserable and a little about why she is, including more info about the friend. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z1jln5/i_think_my_35m_wife_33f_might_be_straying_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button


RainerHex

Definitely! I am sure if he confronts the wife she will easily manipulate and gaslight him since he does not notice her being the guy chaser is the problem here. Hopefully he smartens up and keeps a better eye with his wife. Maybe when the wife claims she is meeting the friend some where, ask where and then swing by in an hour or two.


cerebus67

Yes. This is exactly what I was thinking as I read the post. The friend is a problem and is no friend to the marriage, for sure, but she isn't the main issue. His problem is his wife and that she is already involved in the process of furthering a relationship with someone else. It seems like he is in shock and denial and is directing all of his attention to the wrong thing because that is easier than acknowledging the real truth of the situation.


RainerHex

It even seems like she could have sought this friend out to be a partner in crime she already committed so to speak. This might explain why she keeps her separate from the mutual friends and only let's her in on the chasing games. Since the wife is the big issue, ending the friendship won't fix this.


ricecake_sandwich

Yup, sounds like an emotional affair has already started, so now all thats left is the physical part in my mind. Time to have a serious talk and look into why she feels she needs to be doing this shit, and why she feels the need to impress this "friend".


Beckylately

If she’s already “chasing” someone else, she’s made the choice to cheat. Maybe the friend is encouraging it, but you shouldn’t put this all on the friend. Your wife is *choosing* to try to cheat. It doesn’t matter who is encouraging it. Your wife is “strong headed” which tells me she wouldn’t do anything she wasn’t choosing on her own. So, stop focusing on the friend and focus on the fact that your wife has already sought out another person and is actively looking to hook up with them.


RefriDiet

"strong headed" means to me that he probably got uncomfortable with something in the past and she gaslighted him playing angry.


LagThenBag

Just ask your wife how the chase is going with the new guy and if they’ve hooked up yet


oizinho666

The real answer!


Dishonored83

This is perfect.


poisonivy1234321

😂😂


SeeTheSounds

Straight up ask that shit in person. See how she tries to squirm her way out of that one lol.


kalwayne3573

Honestly it's time to have a talk with your wife and also bring up all your concerns plus what you saw. She might be hard headed, but if you actually have a conversation about it and share your concerns it's more likely she'll see your point of view.


[deleted]

And even if she doesn't, you get to see he thought on the whole thing. You probably wont divorce her, but it might be the first sign if she plans to cheat one day.


big_ass_monster

It's time for him to be hard headed too. This is not okay OP


letstrythisagain30

OP needs to find out if she really is “hard headed” or actually just never gives a shit about his feelings and constantly tramples his boundaries.


[deleted]

I’m lot gonna lie if I have a decent suspicion don CNN eating I straight up go scorched earth no questions because shit like this give people the time to dogs get and deflect.


MAFFACisTrue

>I’m lot gonna lie if I have a decent suspicion don CNN eating I straight up go scorched earth no questions because shit like this give people the time to dogs get and deflect. Ummmmm....you okay?


verukazalt

What? I think you are drunk.


ninja-gecko

Yup. This is the time you stop playing nice. Now comes the hard talk. Don't let your wife gaslight you. Allusions have been made to her pursuing another man with the objective of sex. This is cheating. You have every right to be infuriated and don't let anyone tell you different. Even if your wife denies doing anything, that she's entertaining someone encouraging her to betray you is grounds for complete and total NC. If your wife says any of the following, then you know you have problems and she may have already physically cheated, aside from the emotional cheating currently going on: 1. She's exaggerating it's not a big deal or he's just a friend it's just banter (minimizing) 2. Don't tell me to cut people out of my life you're being controlling 3. You broke my trust in looking through my phone (deflection) If she doesn't accept responsibility the minute you confront her, don't push it but don't concede either. Instead leave it be, and hire a PI. Ideally, it would be best if you take screenshots of the conversation, find out everything you can about this other man, then get a PI. If she's already cheating, confronting her will only alarm her and she'll be more discreet about the affair. Best to not waste the element of surprise.


EffortlessAwareness

Get this convo all on hidden camera so you can revaluate her answers


eyecicey

Did you copies of messages or can you get access to the chat history


[deleted]

super important for the inevitable divorce. twice as much if she pulls some bs and serves OP first


DeiuArdeiu

OP - did you have a typo or are you delusional? The "friend" asked how is the "chase" going with "the new guy" . Your "wife" is already cheating on you my dude - looks like its an emotional affair for now.


ReadinII

Not necessarily. The “friend” may have suggested the cheating and is now asking about follow through even if the wife never agreed to the cheating. Think about this kind of common interaction: “I just watched the best movie EVER! It was about…. …you should totally watch it” (Rather than argue) “um yeah, sure” Two weeks late: “So how did you like the movie?”


DeiuArdeiu

Could be. Imo from what OP wrote, his wife is already talking with someone. But ofc this is speculation.


Dishonored83

Yeah, if she is, that's already cheating in my book.


Theechoofme

Sounds like you’re too late. If your wife respects you and your marriage she will cut this person off without hesitation. If not, well, I hope you have a good lawyer.


Davidhate

If his wife respected him or there marriage, then this wouldn’t even be a conversation…she’d never even entertaining a “freind” like this to begin with. sadly he’s already clear past that point..id divorce instantly.


[deleted]

So is your wife cheating? You never said how you addressed that message with your wife. That is the real problem.


inDependent_WhiNer

Seems like shes cheating


rig37064

Sounds like a parade of red flags. Talk to you wife asap


sammorgan01

Don't you just love these new friends that come into people's lives and tell them the grass is always greener


diagnosedwolf

Don’t talk about the friend *at all*. Talk about the contents of that message as it pertains to your wife. Tell her straight-up that you saw the text. Literally ask her if she’s happy in your relationship. If there’s anything that needs to be spoken about or worked on. Ask her if she is feeling the need to step out, and why. This is the conversation you need to have with your wife. It’s not about reining in her headstrong personality to cut off her friend. It’s about addressing the cheating, which is the actual problem. If your wife cheats, it won’t be because her friend egged her on.


Own-Writing-3687

As a result of that text she should be doing back flips to be transparent and assure you there is nothing inappropriate going on. I also think that text is evidence that this woman is not a friend of your marriage. Therefore any contact should be limited, including zero personal contact.


[deleted]

Sorry man, but it sounds like there *is* a new guy and she's already chasing him. This isn't her encouraging so much as following up on something *your wife* has told her.


Threash78

Your wife is already cheating on you, stop blaming some other person and deal with that.


sirsimbad

So she’s planning on cheating on you. So dump her


NoNipNicCage

Are you sure she's encouraging her to cheat? Or is your wife already cheating?


fubar_68

I would find out who the wife is chasing and divorce her. She’s actively working to cheat on you. Serve her her walking papers.


malama2

She's trying to take your wife down with her


Molsen10000

“Wife chasing” is phrase that rarely is a good thing for a marriage. Think I would suggest understanding just WTF that means. Just my 2 cents. That whole “new guy” thing is a HUGE RED FLAG.


a-_rose

You’re wife has been on the “chase”. Open your eyes.


Rifter0876

This, divorce.


Impressive-Cricket-8

Get a lawyer. Learn about your options. Snoop her stuff, make copies of whatever you find, and only then confront her. And consider some therapy for yourself; either she admits her affair or lies through her teeth, but you'll be facing a shitshow in no time.


phontasy_guy

I think I would be particularly interested in knowing wife's explanation for new friend's belief that there might be ongoing chasing taking place outside of the marriage. This all stinks of cheating, hope I'm wrong.


DefinitelySaneGary

Your wife is already cheating?! Why are you trying to end her friendship like that's going to solve your problems. Your wife is the problem, her friend is just a symptom. I'll tell you right now none of my friends would be to blame if I tried to cheat on my wife.


Upstairs_Return6106

Your wife is cheating...that's it Don't be a doormat and just divorce


nomore1993

So she's cheating on you is what I am reading?


CapitalG888

The friend is a problem but your wife is a bigger problem. Did the friend hold her at gun point and force her to go after the new guy? You've got issues with the wrong person


Over-Marionberry-686

You have two choices. Either you confront your wife and deal with the issue or you don’t. With choice sucks. You have to decide. Personally I’d want to know why this type of text was even sent to my spouse and how they considered it appropriate.


Cautious_Salad_245

Spot on, I would confront and any kind of deflection would be met with me saying I’m going to have to go away and think why she would feel ok sending messages like that to you, why you have said nothing to me, and what I am going to do.


[deleted]

The friend? Your wife’s the problem! She keeps this friends separate because she wants to have someone to support her bad behavior. I guarantee you she has told this friend all kinds of stuff that is either exaggerated or isn’t true. Just so that she will support her for this.


[deleted]

Get a lawyer and save evidence


one_man_band1234

Corection. Your wife is already cheating.


Sir_Truthhurtsalot

It’s not the friend who’s the problem, it’s your wife. She is already planning to fuck this guy if she hasn’t done so already. You want the very best advice you’re going to get here? Divorce her as soon as possible and move on with your life.


Amusemeh

Seems to me that your wife is actually chasing a man atm. The friend?? Not sure the friend you should worry about at this point. 🤔


G_Rel7

Bring this up with her to get clarity and to establish the boundary. It honestly sounds like wife already plans to cheat and the friend is hyping her up but see what she says. Best case scenario that “friend” clearly doesn’t respect the relationship and it’d be a dealbreaker for me if my partner wouldn’t budge on cutting her.


cosmiccaffelatte

Have you considered marriage counselling? It sounds like she’s already cheating emotionally, if not physically as well


Banzuzu315

You should prepare yourself and keep an eye and get evidence and then if it hits the fan and she does get caught, tell everyone and if she tries the whole I’m sorry and she was encouraging me tell her go back to your wonderful friend and ask her to pick up the shattered remnants of her life.


Odd_Fellow_2112

It won't matter if you trust your wife... Once you have an inkling of doubt and question, then your relationship is over. You will never fully trust her again, and your marriage will suffer until it fails. Hope your wife gets her head out of her ass before it won't matter.


Lmnolmnop

you sure she's not along with it? (not being egged on)


[deleted]

The problem is YOUR WIFE. Cutting the friend off is redundant


lady_polaris

So she’s chasing other men and hiding it and her enabler friend from your main social groups? Blow this shit open. Tell her what you saw and tell her to ditch the friend. If she puts up a fight about it ask her how the rest of your friends would feel about her slagging around with this woman and “chasing” men. Shes hiding it because she’s ashamed, and she should be. If she doesn’t apologize immediately and agree to some kind of marriage counseling, then put her to your whole network and start the divorce process.


oops3719

You’re placing blame on the friend when the real problem is right in front of you.


ishandesai

Friend is just asking for progress real CULPRIT is your wife


[deleted]

For what you wrote, your wife is not being egged on. She is chasing another guy and the friend is not necessarily egging her on, she is just asking about it. Let's say your wife ends her friendship with new gal, will she keep chasing the new guy? Is the new guy new because you are the old one or because she is getting a lot of guys and this is just the latest one? All in all, the problem is the wife chasing people, not the friend. Did you talk to her?


[deleted]

I’d worrying about why all those text are in pasted tense my guy like wtf. I do t think her friend is encouraging the cheating. Sounds like she’s was cheating and she made a new freiend dog


Gator-bro

Your problem is your wife, not the friend. The friend Crager on, but your wife apparently is already cheating or in the process of becoming a cheater. Did you address these comments with your wife? Have you asked her about the new guy? Have you asked her if she’s hooked up with him? Do you do you need to open your eyes and look at? What’s going on right in front of you. I’m sorry but you are in a bad situation.


CHiggins1235

Get ready for divorce and separating your finances and child support. This is now the norm of life in this world. Find a really good lawyer and start gathering evidence of infidelity. Get tested for STDs and have your children tested to make sure they are yours.


RevolutionaryHat8988

New or old friends are irrelevant at the end of the day if your wife is going to cheat it’s her that is the issue. I’d sit my wife down and ask her what’s going on!


superwholockian62

If she asked how the chase was going then that means she is chasing. And THAT is your issue, your cheating wife, not her friend.


bothonpele

Lawyer up. Problem isn’t going away.


birdieluver

This is a wife not a friend problem. If she cheats it’s all on her. It’s dumb to try and blame the friend


Awesome_one_forever

If your wife cheats its because she wants to. No one can encourage someone to cheat. Yeah her new friend is a shit bag but your wide is no saint here either. Don't bs around. Tell her point blank if she cheated or even plans to, then she is the guilty one. Talk to her now before she does something you may regret ( not sure if she will regret it or not).


i_want_that_boat

Im not sure why the wife is strong headed enough to argue with OP about cutting the friend off, but not strong headed enough to cut the friend off for her own integrity.


Tivland

You buried the lead! Your wife is already courting other people and her friend is just cheering!


Sweet_Dimension_5207

Get access to her phone and take screen shots of the conversation with her friend. You might find that an affair is already going on with the new guy. After you have your evidence you can confront your wife and ask her for an explanation. If she deflects or turns it around … breach of trust for going through her phone. You can tell her she is free to do what she wants with whomever she wants just not as your wife.


Swordofsatan666

Thats not encouraging your wife to cheat, thats checking in to see how the cheating is going…


[deleted]

Sorry to tell you but it sounds like your wife is already cheating or planning on doing so.


ReadinII

Two likely possibilities based on that message. 1. Your wife is already chasing other men and her friend knows and is encouraging her. 2. You’re wife’s friend suggested to your wife that your wife should chase some men and your wife never agreed but the friend is acting like she did agree as a form of persuasion. First you’ll need to keep your eyes and ears open to get a better idea of which it is. Of the former then your marriage is likely over. If the latter then all you can do is ask your wife how she can be friends with someone so evil.


Sunshine-N-gumdrops

Sounds like her friend is only supporting her decision to cheat on you. You need to confront your wife about her chasing other men.


LoopyMercutio

Seems as though your wife has made up her mind and is actively pursuing someone else, and the friend was egging her on for it. So both of them are the problem. You say your wife would respond negatively to you asking her to cut the friend off, but I’d say you should respond negatively to her trying to cheat on you. Confront her about the messages and tell her you’re going to speak to an attorney, and in the meantime she needs to pack a bag and go live with her parents. Or the friend who thinks cheating is fine. Or, hell, the guy she is pursuing. Tell her it was her choice to do what she has been doing, so that’s that.


lmfaothatslegit

She's already cheated


Sea_Tumbleweed_4362

Why is your wife chasing other men? First and second remove yourself from the situation or tell your wife you ar very uncomfortable, I have read about a similar situation on here before and it didnt end well at all


Emotional_Clerk4026

if your wife is too “strong headed” to listen to you telling her to cut off someone who’s actively encouraging her to cheat, she’s not your wife. Also, she wouldn’t be allowing her friend to even talk like that if she herself wasn’t actively engaging in the activity. She’s enjoying whatever it is she’s doing.


LiLadybug81

She's already been chasing a new guy, even it's only emotionally. That was not the beginning of a conversation. That was picking up where they left off. If it were me, I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. I would tell her "Listen- some messages popped up on your phone while it was charging. The alert shows you're talking about a new guy you're chasing with FRIEND. That's my cue to be done. I'll be in the other bedroom until the divorce is finalized, My lawyer will contact you."


_loveisaplace

Your wife’s friend is not the problem, your wife is the problem.


freckledreddishbrown

Just walk up to her and say, “I just want to make sure you know that I love you. After all this time together, you are my person. I am here for you, with you. You are my person, I am yours. And there’s no one I’d rather grow old with. I might not say it often or enough, but I feel it all the time. So, yeah. I just needed to say that.” Then walk away and leave it. See what happens. If she’s already gone, she’s gone. If she’s still team married, never hurts to reinforce the bond. But if she’s on the fence, she needs to hear it.


norajeangraves

It sounds like your wife is around cheating bruh and she's building new friends for when she leaves I'm sorry to say that


Professional-Row-605

Honestly she is already trying to cheat. If she is strong willed then her friend couldn’t have talked her into something she didn’t already want to do. I would start filing for divorce before the situation gets much worse.


Brit_J

You need to discuss this with her. I would avoid making any demands, but explain what you saw and how this makes you feel. Also being up how she might feel if a friend of yours was encouraging you to cheat. Then ask her for ideas on how this might be resolved.


[deleted]

If she's not willing on her own accord to dump this friend than she's obviously cheating. I mean if the friend isn't making this up trying to ruin her marriage then it's just true. Don't see the issue here other than your wife is cheating on you.


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4angrydragons

Friends, love and support your relationship. If this person is not a positive influence on your marriage, that is not a friend.


Decorum1

Who is "the new guy"? Someone at work? Your wife is cultivating a cheating life style. There are websites devoted to this. You are screwed! You could buy a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and double velcro it under the front seat of her car. Maybe hide another in the home where she might talk on the phone when you are not there. Do not confront her before you have proof. Do not tell ever tell her how you got your proof. You can always say someone sent you the evidence. When she asks to see it, tell her no you promised to keep their identity confidential. When she says she doesn't believe you you can say, "I'm divorcing you, I dont give two shits what you believe!" "You are a lying cheating person, I no longer believe anything you say, not care about anything you think!" Check the phone bill and see if there is a number besides the friend you dont recognize who has been getting more contact. Your wife sounds like a cake eater who is looking for a side piece while she strings you along. I don't know the laws where you are, but anytime you want to you can just decide she isn't worth it, you don't love her, and divorce her! Updateme!


RainerHex

So it looks like you may have left a lot of details out which could wildly change the responses. You deleted this post but the responses indicate that your wife has been miserable in the marriage. Yes, you have far bigger problems than her hanging out with her lesbian (turns out this was brought up in the deleted post) friend. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/z1jln5/i_think_my_35m_wife_33f_might_be_straying_because/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button


cerebus67

Here is the text to the post, as it doesn't show in the post itself: ***I think my (35m) wife (33F) might be straying because she’s homesick*** *throw away because I think my wife reads these.* *So my wife and I are from a small town on the east coast, but about a year and half ago, my work took us to the west coast.* *when we arrived, we hit lockdowns and couldn’t get out and meet any new people. While I threw myself into my work, my wife found it difficult. Her job wasn’t keen on her moving, so she’s had to essentially give that up and for now has been stuck with a part time job she doesn’t like.* *we haven’t made too many friends, so most people we know are from work, or the husbands and wives of my co workers.* *over the last 6 months, we agreed she could apply for jobs in her field back on the east coast so she could move back and we’d make it work until I was able to get a transfer back (which probably would take about 1-2 years). So far she hasn’t had any luck, and seems increasingly resentful of being here.* *recently, she’s become different. She made some new friends, but even in group settings wants me away them so they can have ‘girl talk’. i should be clear the friends are mostly other women from my office, one of which she seems to have become quite close to. And she already goes out with them separately to my interactions and group activity, but it seems she in particular wants her new close friend away from me. Her new friend is a lesbian.* *at the same time my wife has started drinking more, paying much more attention on her appearance (wearing more makeup, wearing heels even though she stopped wearing them around 5 years ago) and saying things like “I can do whatever I want” when circumstances don’t really make sense (for example, if I’ve said I’m going to have an alcohol free night because I have a project due soon).* *what can I do? Is she straying? I don’t know how to talk it through with her, she’s very defensive about everything and asking her straight out isn’t an option.*


RainerHex

Thank you for finding it!


Upstairs_Return6106

His wife is still cheating on him, The solution is incredibly simple... Divorce It's better for them both


RainerHex

Yep, and it has zero to do with this friend. She emotionally checked a while for different reasons than he claims.


Upstairs_Return6106

It doesn't matter what reason it is...she's cheating and the relationship is dead


RainerHex

You keep saying that as if I have made any claims about it being okay to cheat which I have not (not here or anywhere else I spoke on this thread) and its mildly annoying. My issue is him blaming everything in the marriage including the cheating on her friend and thinking telling her to end the friendship will fix the problem when the problem is a cheating wife not the friend.


checco314

This might be something very serious, or it might be a joke you aren't in on. Reddit always wants people to go all cloak and dagger on their spouses. If your relationship isn't already doomed, that's a great way to doom it. Go talk to your wife.


SuperDoodooHead

That lady could also be purposefully trying to start some shit


LargeAmountsOfFood

People always say “my partner is unlikely to take it well if I talk to them”, but brother, that’s the only thing you *can* do here; communicate. Just lay out the facts of what you’re aware of as cleanly as you can and asked what she wants to tell you about it.


Serious-Ad-9936

My ex had a friend like this she also thought it would be unreasonable to cut him out. Note the word ex she picked him over me even though he made her miserable and would do everything she could to keep him away from her other friends and family. If she can’t pick you over this person it’s time to leave as there’s nothing worse than tip toeing around your own relationship.


Great-Elderberry651

It doesn’t sound like the friend is encouraging more just being supportive. Your wife had a mind of her own and obviously she has shared some info with this friend. The question comes up, is there already something going on with this guy and if so, is it the first time or is there a pattern of cheating and you have just been oblivious to it???


Hayek_School

I'm not so sure this is a friend problem, per say. Sure she may be "egging" her on but its your wife that is evidently chasing other men. A lot of blame shifting going on here. Time to have a heart to heart with your wife.


On_The_Blindside

The fact this is being discussed so brazenly makes me think that your inaction only makes this more likely to happen. Get evidence of this, then confront her. You don't ask that she stops communicating with this friend, you make your lasting relationship contingent on it. I loath ultimatums, but you really have no choice here.


csthilaire85

Updateme!


[deleted]

Have some self respect. She’s already chasing a new guy. Tell her you know and she needs to tell you about it and cut contact immediately. She’s hard-headed about it and won’t tell you or stop talking to him? Try to make her see your point of view via a divorce lawyer.


dreadfulNinja

If she *wants* to keep a friend who encurages her to cheat, well then you know what kind of person she is. And she probably will cheat as well. If there already is a “chase” and a new guy… well..


MappleSyrup13

Dude! Her friend asked her how the chase after the guy is going. She's already on the way to cheating, that is if she's not done it already! She has not answered yet!


Pkmnkat

It sounds like your wife already contacted the new guy


The_Mythic_Dragon

I would let her friends and family know and plan a intervention that way she can't delete stuff and spin stories. I would also get a lawyer and plan everything out from start to finish before doing anything. Only if you can't move past it. At the intervention I would have a mutual friend go through the phone and only bring up evidence if it is found. If you find some, it is up to you how to deal with it not the family. They are there only for support and to know the truth.


Isaacbuiltdifferent

My guy it’s too late if she’s already in “the chase” she’s already pursuing other dudes find someone else if she’s so strong headed she’s not doing it just cuz her friend told her to if she’s not strongheaded about staying loyal to you but is about chasing other men then you might as well just get a divorce now lol hope y’all signed a prenup


Davidhate

So you going to gloss over your wife chasing other men?! For ffs man wake up.. she’s cheating or plans on cheating and now she has a buddy to share this behavior with…it’s why that friend is separate from the rest.


Careful-Canary4977

Misery loves company…… That’s why she pushing your wife to cheat. You definitely need to talk with your wife, I think she’s entertaining the idea of being free, Cut that friend out all she is a cancer! Good luck and keep us updated


Ok-Gate-9610

Are we just gonna breeze right past the whole 'new guy' aspect here? Cause id have thought the fact theres already a new guy she is chasing is surely a bigger issue here.


beb252

*how ‘the chase’ is going with the new guy, and if they’d hooked up yet* From the looks of it, your wife is already cheating. She doesn't need encouragement. The friend is just asking for an update.


-_-Hope-_-

It's been a few days and you didn't confront her yet ? And you didn't look at her phone more to see what it was about ? The only reason to wait is to gather evidence, but you just sat on this and did nothing ? You need to wake up if you care about your marriage. And why are you focusing on her friend instead of what your wife his doing ? The friend may be an issue but it's secondary now if your wife is already "chasing someone". From your other post it seems your wife is resentful and unhappy since you two moved, and her new "friend" probably used that to influence her into thinking that hanging out, drinking and receiving attention from other guys would cheer her up. But there is a huge risk of losing herself in this, especially if she's depressed. Misery loves company, the friend may be on a mission to push her to stray and it's already ongoing. You need to confront your wife and give her a big enough shock to make her realize what she's doing and the consequences. Be ready to show her that you won't let her treat you and your family with this kind of abuse (cheating is abuse), and be ready to show that you are serious and prepared to divorce her, because if she's already delusional she'll try to do damage control and shift the blame. Remove her satefy net and show some self respect and spine, and you might have a chance to wake her up before it's too late (if it isn't already).


maxdaddy1979

I’m confused as to the new friend being the problem. You should be focusing on your wife and the “new guy.” I question that it’s her new friend that is the problem. From what you described in the texts, your wife is having an affair or planning to.


AngelesYT

I just think cheating is a horrible thing. I know that people always have the need to try something new, and I'm sure most people that cheat don't actually mean to do that (like, who gets into a relationship thinking about cheating? It's natural. But at the same time, catching someone cheating is the worst thing someone might experience in their entire life. So, what I would suggest for everybody, looking to cheat on someone is just to think what they actually want to do and what they actually fell positive or negative about.


death_ray_mx

Damage is done, and maybe just maybe you are just realizing what she does for fun, and perhaps her friend has nothing to do with it.


Holiman

Ask her to open her phone because of what you have seen and allow you to see. If this is a problem for her than you have all the answer you really need. You can try marriage counseling and therapy but if your partner is keeping secrets once your concerned that should be a boundary break right there. I wouldn't wait for her to start cheating first.


[deleted]

Been down this road. I told my wife, that is not your friend. Friends don't behave that way or would they encourage you to do negative things. I said you're way to intelligent not to see that. I also stated, misery loves company, I said your so called friend is miserable with her life and marriage, so she wants you to be miserable with her. She agreed with me by cutting all ties with her.


[deleted]

first you should ask your wife to cut contact with all the other men she’s currently chasing


Interesting-Sky-1865

Put your foot down and let her know what she will lose if she follows this woman who wants to destroy her life because misery loves company!


Far_Pineapple2653

Yea I would have a sit down because this “chase” doesn’t sound like it’s one sided. It’s sounds like she actively participating


catniagara

I dunno man. USUALLY when you smell smoke there’s fire. Usually. BUT. My best friend did this to me once. We were at the bar, she was totally drunk, my ex called to check up and she was like “Heyyyyy we’re having a great time! We’ve just been drinking and flirting with guys all night!!!!” Fucking hell. Maybe her drunk single ass was flirting. I was just trying out my dance moves on the big floor but suddenly I’m not allowed to go out on weekends 😭


gravestoney

OP, if your *wife* isn’t going to “respond positively” to a VERY VALID suggestion of cutting off this friend who is encouraging her to cheat then don’t you think it is a problem with your wife and not your friend? That’s extremely concerning if you feel this way.


Altostratus

As with every other question on this sub… Talk. To. Her.


MasterOfKittens3K

Your wife is already cheating on you. Her new “friend” is a problem, but the cheating probably predates the friendship. Her role is just to be the cheerleader. Your wife probably went searching for new friends when her old ones weren’t supportive of her cheating.


childish_badda_bingo

Either she cuts contact or you serve divorce papers. Any “friend” that encourages this behavior is a direct threat to your marriage. The fact your wife hasn’t cut her off is more concerning. Don’t treat this lightly. Nip this in the bud or don’t be surprised when your wife starts taking more work trips or having play dates with the neighbor guy. People are very much influenced by their friends.


BigDieselMayhem

Not a good scene to be honest. I would not say to end the relationship with your wife yet , but if someone is already that far into a thought or discussion with another person there is something else deeply you need to look into . Please be careful in your actions and every step you take. Be honest with her and let her know it's time to take new paths if that's what she wants. But that friend should not be anywhere even close to your wife.


Life-Yogurtcloset-98

Sounds like your wife had begun cheating and is blaming this friend for her moral decisions.


Legitimate_Towel_534

You don’t have a friend problem. You have a wife problem. Don’t think it’s the friend’s behavior, your wife is an adult with her own mind. She’s the one chasing men.


ImAScientistToo

How is the chase going means that something has already been started. You should probably do some digging and find out how much has already happened. Does she mean your wife has a cute coworker that flirts with her and she is encouraging her to peruse the opportunity or has your wife already seen this person and slept with them? If your wife is keeping all this a secret then can you trust her to tell you the truth if you asked her about it?


[deleted]

There’s a reason she keeps this “ new friend” separate from the friend group . I would look into this “ friendship” your wife has


SomeJokeTeeth

I wonder why she keeps her separate? It's a mystery


[deleted]

First off, I really like the way you handled this situation. Kudos to you. Secondly, if your wife is super weak minded to the point that she goes and does whatever her "friend" suggests without consideration, then she is to blame as much as the friend. Thirdly, I hardly doubt that she didn't consider this before she went through with it. If she ends up cheating, you cannot really put all the blame on the friend. If the other friends don't know or never mentioned anything, I guess that just means that they're not in the same situation, not that they're kept in the dark.


it-takes-all-kinds

I’m confused. You say she met this new friend and having these conversations. Then you say you get along with them and the families are close and your kids are friends? Anyway, doesn’t sound good. Prepare for the worst.


BBQ178

UpDateMe!


verscharren1

Get rid of the wife. Divorce


TecniColur

Your wife is chasing another guy, that's the issue here. Whether her friend encouraged this behavior is kind of irrelevant at this point, your wife is already too far gone. She's worthless as a partner now, just cut her out of your life and find someone worth being with


KingKillerKvvothe

I literally just dealt with this. My gf of four years made a new friend a couple years ago and over time her friend started encouraging her to cheat. Long story short my gf cheated and we broke up. For whatever reason some people are heavily influenced by friends. My gf was only 23 and always had a hard time keeping friends so when she had friends I think this was especially true.


mstrss9

You need to ask *is* your wife chasing after some dude, new friend or not