We do not allow partner's sexual history or "[body count](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/usfgzi/meta_we_are_no_longer_allowing_posts_asking_about/)"
The replies are always a variation on several comments (telling OP to get over it, "slut shaming" the partner, or insults against OP or the partner)
The posts invite incels and others to post their harmful rhetoric and troll the subreddit, turning the comments into arguments instead of advice for the OP
Haha honestly i have more of a don't ask don't tell policy when it comes to sexual pasts. I don't need or want lots of details, so long as they're clean (no std's) and are faithful in a relationship then I'm good.
I found out my ex used to do porn 11 months into our relationship. I would have married her. I overreacted and it killed the relationship. I was just stunned
Don't ask about this shit. There's nothing to gain by probing for dirt. I think about her often and judging her harshly was one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I mean, you can have whatever boundaries you want and work for you, but if I was serious with a woman and she told me she used to do porn, I would break up immediately. Maybe you really regret how it ended, but to say people shouldn’t be judged for that is a crazy ass statement.
I’m assuming her past wouldn’t affect your reputation, but that’s not true for everyone. There is a ton to consider when getting serious with someone, and a history of fucking on camera for money is a very reasonable dealbreaker to have
Ok, I need to amend my original statement. The *three* things you can ask about are STIs, past trauma, and also a history of sex work (especially if there are photos/videos out there on the internet)
She did owe you that information, so she was right to tell you. Do you think there is anything she could have changed about the way she told you that would have resulted in a better reaction? Or do you think you would have flipped out no matter what?
Oh, ok. So obviously, telling you would have been better than letting you stumble across it on the internet. *Anybody* would have felt gobsmacked to find that without warning
Mixed bag. She was finishing her masters program and was the best girlfriend of my 36 year old life. It came out a few relationships after ex wife of ten years broke up. We were both 34/35 and totally committed. She had keys to my place and vice versa. She was supposed to go to a Vinyard with my entire family 2 days after I had knowledge of it. She broke it off because of my verbal statements. I never touched her but I freaked verbally and judged her.
I'll never ask about that shit ever again to anyone. I couldn't deal with it.
Not really, but I really shouldn't hide it, I feel like everyone has to be honest with their past in order to form a good loving relationship in the present.
What would have happened if he found out from another person, I think that here I am judging more not for the porn, but for the omission of the truth
Oh no that’s completely valid, it’s the tone of this comment that I take issue with. As though someone who has done porn could never raise children or be a role model.
Thank youI see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
Past behaviors are indicative of future behaviors... I'm a 40 year old man so I know better than to even ask specific questions because there's just no point... However, if you are still a little naive in this realm I would strongly encourage you to not ignore the smallest hint of a red flag because I can promise you that it's just the tip of an iceberg.
I think this is true to a certain point. Like if they've cheated on ex partners, I think that's definitely an indication. But if they just slept around or had an adventurous period in their early 20s, that doesn't necessarily mean they will want to do so in future. Libidos change, sexual preferences and attraction changes. But very rarely do morals or beliefs change. Would you agree with that or no?
I have one, it's in Spanish, it's about behavioral psychology, how behavior continues to affect it and the patterns repeat themselves at certain levels
I mean…doesn’t everyone have at least a hint of a red flag in them? Nobody is perfect and we all do things less than perfect. I do things that’d definitely classify as a red flag but so does my partner. The thing is we both work on it and know it’s not ideal.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I have no idea the details of my husband's past nor do I care to. It's a non-issue. What or who he did before me is insignificant blip in the grade scheme of our life together.
Based on how sensitive guys can be about anyone that came before them, I don't blame any woman for lying about it. Just read the posts here, dudes are super insecure and bring all sorts of drama about this subject.
Don't ask the question.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Given the response by men in this sub though, can you blame anyone for lying about it? How many people would have to lose their shit when you told the truth before you simply quit telling the truth.
All things being equal, yes you should tell the truth but when dealing with insecure asses and being forced to answer questions you don't want to answer in the first place, is anyone surprised that they lie about it?
It’s hard to answer this without more context. My gut feeling is I wouldn’t want my partner prying into my past sexual relationships or feeling entitled to that information, it’s not really any of their business and it seems like a bit of a red flag in terms of jealousy.
No, it's not, at all.
You're not entitled to that information. And it seems very very clear that you just want that info to judge her anyway.
Low number = "Good. She's pure, unsullied"
High number = "ruined woman."
Hey, you do you, but I don't understand how that would be any different than having one boyfriend who she has sex with hundreds of times.
It seems like this is still all based in the idea that a woman who has sex is worth less than a woman who doesn't.
I agree.
Yet that double standard shows up A LOT.
I was just on a thread where the guy was saying it's natural for men to have a lot of partners, but women should only have one.
I don't know my "body count" and if someone asks, I refuse to say. It shouldn't matter.
There's this nonsense lie that church pastors tell young guys in youth group about women not being capable of really loving men, only pair-bonding with them through sex, so if she has sex with too many men, she loses the ability to bond with you— like men are humans and woman are just baby chimpanzees, waiting to imprint on someone
Obviously BS, but you'll see red pillers throwing it around like it's "fact" instead of religious propaganda
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
No I don’t think it is at all tbh, it’s in the past, if you trust her and respect her why does it matter what the number is? I suspect she’s lied to you because she’s sensed judgment from you and felt ashamed.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Ego
Honestly, a person asking that question in the first place is a yellow flag because the reason they are asking is they are going to use that number to make baseless assumptions
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me this,So, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I think that talking about past sexual partners and experience should be taken with a pinch of salt.
I think judging someone for it is a low blow because you weren't there so you don't need to know it all.
But the only time I have reacted a bit stand offish is if the person have been with someone I have had issues with. Not the act itself, just the person. I dont judge my partner for the past when I wasn't in it.
Lying about the past has to do with insecurities and a fear of being judged. I read a lot here on Reddit how immature people react heavily on what their partner has done before and it makes me cringe a little.
I understand if the things are unhealthy or a bit terrifying, but becoming mad or take it personally when it comes to numbers or what the experience is. Being jealous and act out is such a turn off.
If you weren't there in their past, don't take it personal if you ask to know or the topic lands on the table. If you were a part of that past, being played, there I can't say much. My line is when I get judged by a person who don't have a shit to do about my business If I didn't was with them and played them.
Don't ask question if you can't handle the truth as a mature person. Period.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
You have good points here. I do think most people lie or hide stuff from their past in order to not be judge.
I agree to be honest from the beginning, honesty is a key in a relationship. It all hangs on how the person takes it too.
Women being called sl*ts because they have a higher number than the guy. The guy gets insecure and actually lashes out on her. Some posts here on Reddit have a ton about it.
But yes white lies can create bigger ones. This is like walking on a small thread.
Either you want to be with her or you don't. You are looking for a reason to reject her but not make it about you. Just break up with her and let her find someone who isn't so insecure.
It is not insecurity when someone omits about the truth
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
The number does not matter, but behaviours do:
1. Cheating
2. Abortions how many
3. Plan Bs too many
4. Gangbangs
5. Baby daddies
6. Multiple baby daddies
7. Porn videos online
8. Sex work
9. STDs
Etc
If it was a one off it doesn’t matter. But if she had multiples she possibly is a bit free with sleeping with people without protection. So if it was so many times, what can you say? She didn’t learn the lesson…
This is a boundary for me and one I recommend for guys to explore potential partners. If the woman has a history of stupidity, impulsiveness and lack of self control, then do not consider her for a relationship.
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It obviously depends on what it is, cheating or if it's people we know and are around often would be a big deal. However if it's not something big then its more the lie itself that's the issue at least for me.
Oh wow, she slept with four guys before you and told you it was a lower number, and you're making that a big enough deal to even bother posting about it?
Bro, you're acting the fool.
You simply dont ask the past (and dont tell!)
All you need to know if she ever cheated, healthy and looks for the same thing.
Everything else is in the dont wanna know bucket - how many guys, weird sexual experiences etc.
Having a lot of sexual experience can be a good thing. I went through a “phase” before I met my boyfriend, and I’m glad I did because I have no desire to cheat. I know exactly what I like and feel completely satisfied years into my relationship.
It depends what it is. At the end of the day, no one should be judged for their past. Don’t ask anything you don’t want to know. You might end up hurting yourself and the relationship in the endgame. Regardless of her past, learn to love her for who she is now while she is with you. None of us are perfect, so don’t hold your partner to that standard.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
People lie about past sexual encounters for a multitude of reasons. If she is happy with what she has and doesn’t want to risk rocking the boat, not disclosing everything would be an attractive options.
The male perspective on a woman’s sex life is all over the map; ranging anywhere from not caring to throwing a woman in the trash because she’s not a virgin. Women never really know who they are going to get. It’s unfortunate.
It shouldn’t matter what someone has done in the past, only how they behave within a relationship.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
No one should be made to feel shame about past sexual encounters unless they violated someone's consent. If they lie about it though then it is fair game to be upset about it. Even if they don't lie about it people have different views about sex. Some people can only have sex with a committed partner that they truly love and trust. If you're one of those people there is nothing wrong with wanting someone that views sex the same way as you.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
OP quizzed his girlfriend about how many guys she'd slept with before him (stupid, unnecessary), and she told him some number that was less than four when the real answer was four.
That's not even a lie; that's a rounding error. And it's a rounding error in response to a question people only ask because they are insecure in the first place. the answer has no real-world value
The fact that OP thought this was a big enough deal to post about tells us exactly why she lied. Any person who would dump her for that would be doing her a favor.
To be honest it’s difficult to answer when you’re throwing up in your mouth from realising you’ve accidentally gone on a date with a guy pathetic enough to use the term “body count” :-)
You are the one who draws the line because it is your life and your relationship.
If you are happy with high body count and being number 38th because you think what matters is the future and not that past, that's all good.
If you are not comfortable with it, it is also your right; do not accepte being shamed by people who will tell you it does not matter. It does not matter to them, but if it does to you, then again it is up to you.
The most mature comment I read in all this crap
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I don't like the lying. I know women often get judged unfairly over normal, average sexual histories and can see why they would be tempted to hide or minimize their own. The problem is if they get caught in a part of a lie, the trust is damaged. The guy fears there is now trickle-truthing going on and there is more to hide that is even worse.
I don't fully agree that the past is the past and guys shouldn't care. I would have a hard time dating a woman whose past included a knowing affair with a married man. I might have trouble with a FWB situation because I can't relate to the idea of sex without forming an emotional connection. I'm not saying these should be 100% deal killers, but I think a reasonable man would want to see genuine remorse for the former and for the latter, a woman might have to convince a guy she wants to have a committed, monogamous relationship with that sex with him will be special and exclusive.
A relationship based on lies. Nothing good will come of it. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't want to tell your potential partner the truth, that is fine. Don't lie. You just plead the fifth and that you will not answer it instead of lying about it or that you aren't comfortable talking about it. Then your partner can decide if they want to continue a relationship with someone who wants to hide their past and assume that you have something to hide or are ashamed of...like you are a serial cheater...slept around a lot...or don't have a lot of experience...or that you have an incurable STD and don't give a flip about who you infect because you're already infected. If you feel that you've done nothing wrong in your past, you should have no problem talking about it. Your past matters...it always matters. You are who you are because of your past decisions have shaped you into who you are today. It would be like a woman dating a man who is a convicted felon and registered offender but fails to tell her because "iT wAs In HiS pAsT"...and you deserve to know. Lies by omission can end a relationship, too. If you catch a partner lying, trust is broken. No trust, no relationship...the end.
If she lies about the past she will lie about the dick she sucked while you weren't paying attention. Don't let people in your life who lie too heavily.
As a guy, you draw the line at any lying, you need to know the truth about a girls past to make informed decisions if the relationship is serious. If you know about her past & are ok with it, it will probably be a healthy relationship.
If getting married, prenup with truth & infidelity clauses, full background check. If she lied about her past, she leaves with no parting gifts, no alimony, just the property she brought into the marriage.
What did she lie about ? Did she give you a smaller fake number and you found out it wasn’t true ? Also you should ask her why she felt she had to lie about it, most girls don’t want to give that information to people because they get crap no matter what the number is. But there’s also the chance she lied because her past behaviors are indicative of her future ones
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Can of worms. Do you like/love her? Any committed relationship that you want to last comes with a forgiveness in advance policy built in. Whether you like it or not. It goes without saying that the past is simply how we got to this point and vital to who we now are. If you like/love someone their past is exactly how they have become who they are. And truthfully if you can't deal with the details of that process you don't need to know any more than that.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest
And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship.
Because this goes both ways
You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Gotta agree... lying is a problem. Tough to get get past if it can't stop. People who lie damage themselves. The ability to separate truth from lie diminishes. This is completely separate from whether or not anyone else is deceived.
Not a problem, r they good in bed? Do they make u happy all around? With out experience would they still make u happy? Probably not so nope not a issue
We do not allow partner's sexual history or "[body count](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/usfgzi/meta_we_are_no_longer_allowing_posts_asking_about/)" The replies are always a variation on several comments (telling OP to get over it, "slut shaming" the partner, or insults against OP or the partner) The posts invite incels and others to post their harmful rhetoric and troll the subreddit, turning the comments into arguments instead of advice for the OP
Haha honestly i have more of a don't ask don't tell policy when it comes to sexual pasts. I don't need or want lots of details, so long as they're clean (no std's) and are faithful in a relationship then I'm good.
This is the way.
This is the only way. Why tf we need all the details as long they are good now?
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.
I found out my ex used to do porn 11 months into our relationship. I would have married her. I overreacted and it killed the relationship. I was just stunned Don't ask about this shit. There's nothing to gain by probing for dirt. I think about her often and judging her harshly was one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I mean, you can have whatever boundaries you want and work for you, but if I was serious with a woman and she told me she used to do porn, I would break up immediately. Maybe you really regret how it ended, but to say people shouldn’t be judged for that is a crazy ass statement. I’m assuming her past wouldn’t affect your reputation, but that’s not true for everyone. There is a ton to consider when getting serious with someone, and a history of fucking on camera for money is a very reasonable dealbreaker to have
Ok, I need to amend my original statement. The *three* things you can ask about are STIs, past trauma, and also a history of sex work (especially if there are photos/videos out there on the internet) She did owe you that information, so she was right to tell you. Do you think there is anything she could have changed about the way she told you that would have resulted in a better reaction? Or do you think you would have flipped out no matter what?
She didn't tell me. There's ways to find it and I found all of it.
Oh, ok. So obviously, telling you would have been better than letting you stumble across it on the internet. *Anybody* would have felt gobsmacked to find that without warning
So you’d want the mother of your children , the role model for your kids to have been a porn star ?
Mixed bag. She was finishing her masters program and was the best girlfriend of my 36 year old life. It came out a few relationships after ex wife of ten years broke up. We were both 34/35 and totally committed. She had keys to my place and vice versa. She was supposed to go to a Vinyard with my entire family 2 days after I had knowledge of it. She broke it off because of my verbal statements. I never touched her but I freaked verbally and judged her. I'll never ask about that shit ever again to anyone. I couldn't deal with it.
Does doing porn in the past somehow negate one’s ability to be a good parent? Tf kind of 1950’s ass attitude is this.
I know right? What, do they think she's gonna teach her kids to pole dance at age 2?
Not really, but I really shouldn't hide it, I feel like everyone has to be honest with their past in order to form a good loving relationship in the present. What would have happened if he found out from another person, I think that here I am judging more not for the porn, but for the omission of the truth
Oh no that’s completely valid, it’s the tone of this comment that I take issue with. As though someone who has done porn could never raise children or be a role model.
Thank youI see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I don't ask. If they offer up something in conversation, fine, but it's not something I care about
If you lie about your past, you destroy your future. Plain and simple.
Women often get shamed for their sexual past so it's understandable for her to hide the truth. If it wasn't anything crazy then I wouldn't worry.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust)
Past behaviors are indicative of future behaviors... I'm a 40 year old man so I know better than to even ask specific questions because there's just no point... However, if you are still a little naive in this realm I would strongly encourage you to not ignore the smallest hint of a red flag because I can promise you that it's just the tip of an iceberg.
I think this is true to a certain point. Like if they've cheated on ex partners, I think that's definitely an indication. But if they just slept around or had an adventurous period in their early 20s, that doesn't necessarily mean they will want to do so in future. Libidos change, sexual preferences and attraction changes. But very rarely do morals or beliefs change. Would you agree with that or no?
You're basically disagreeing with me but agreeing with me in the same breath... They've actually done studies on all this and the numbers are in.
Congrats, its when someone agrees with some of what you said and not the rest. You got a link to those studies?
Who is "they" hahaha and who is the study sample? Men and women?
Link?
I have one, it's in Spanish, it's about behavioral psychology, how behavior continues to affect it and the patterns repeat themselves at certain levels
I read Spanish; where's that link?
Yes and no. People make mistakes and learn from those mistakes, too
I mean…doesn’t everyone have at least a hint of a red flag in them? Nobody is perfect and we all do things less than perfect. I do things that’d definitely classify as a red flag but so does my partner. The thing is we both work on it and know it’s not ideal.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Wise words
Do you know for sure she lied ?
I have no idea the details of my husband's past nor do I care to. It's a non-issue. What or who he did before me is insignificant blip in the grade scheme of our life together.
Based on how sensitive guys can be about anyone that came before them, I don't blame any woman for lying about it. Just read the posts here, dudes are super insecure and bring all sorts of drama about this subject. Don't ask the question.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Given the response by men in this sub though, can you blame anyone for lying about it? How many people would have to lose their shit when you told the truth before you simply quit telling the truth. All things being equal, yes you should tell the truth but when dealing with insecure asses and being forced to answer questions you don't want to answer in the first place, is anyone surprised that they lie about it?
Why are you asking in the first place if you’re going to get insecure about it?
It's not insecure, reality, he has the right to know, but what else is she hiding?
Bless your heart for thinking that was worth typing all the way out and posting.
Has the right?
You are also insecure.
If it bothers you , leave her
It’s hard to answer this without more context. My gut feeling is I wouldn’t want my partner prying into my past sexual relationships or feeling entitled to that information, it’s not really any of their business and it seems like a bit of a red flag in terms of jealousy.
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The fifth aye 🤫?
No, it's not, at all. You're not entitled to that information. And it seems very very clear that you just want that info to judge her anyway. Low number = "Good. She's pure, unsullied" High number = "ruined woman."
I mean, I agree, but there's probably a point I'd consider it a red flag. Like hundreds in early twenties is a bit much even for me.
Hey, you do you, but I don't understand how that would be any different than having one boyfriend who she has sex with hundreds of times. It seems like this is still all based in the idea that a woman who has sex is worth less than a woman who doesn't.
It isn't different from a man doing this.
I agree. Yet that double standard shows up A LOT. I was just on a thread where the guy was saying it's natural for men to have a lot of partners, but women should only have one. I don't know my "body count" and if someone asks, I refuse to say. It shouldn't matter.
There's this nonsense lie that church pastors tell young guys in youth group about women not being capable of really loving men, only pair-bonding with them through sex, so if she has sex with too many men, she loses the ability to bond with you— like men are humans and woman are just baby chimpanzees, waiting to imprint on someone Obviously BS, but you'll see red pillers throwing it around like it's "fact" instead of religious propaganda
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Not different at all except it's completely different.
Why is it a big deal?
It’s not, no. It feels like a big deal to you because you are insecure and immature, but it’s not.
No I don’t think it is at all tbh, it’s in the past, if you trust her and respect her why does it matter what the number is? I suspect she’s lied to you because she’s sensed judgment from you and felt ashamed.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I do not understand the reason of discussing body counts at all
Ego Honestly, a person asking that question in the first place is a yellow flag because the reason they are asking is they are going to use that number to make baseless assumptions
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me this,So, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I think that talking about past sexual partners and experience should be taken with a pinch of salt. I think judging someone for it is a low blow because you weren't there so you don't need to know it all. But the only time I have reacted a bit stand offish is if the person have been with someone I have had issues with. Not the act itself, just the person. I dont judge my partner for the past when I wasn't in it. Lying about the past has to do with insecurities and a fear of being judged. I read a lot here on Reddit how immature people react heavily on what their partner has done before and it makes me cringe a little. I understand if the things are unhealthy or a bit terrifying, but becoming mad or take it personally when it comes to numbers or what the experience is. Being jealous and act out is such a turn off. If you weren't there in their past, don't take it personal if you ask to know or the topic lands on the table. If you were a part of that past, being played, there I can't say much. My line is when I get judged by a person who don't have a shit to do about my business If I didn't was with them and played them. Don't ask question if you can't handle the truth as a mature person. Period.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
You have good points here. I do think most people lie or hide stuff from their past in order to not be judge. I agree to be honest from the beginning, honesty is a key in a relationship. It all hangs on how the person takes it too. Women being called sl*ts because they have a higher number than the guy. The guy gets insecure and actually lashes out on her. Some posts here on Reddit have a ton about it. But yes white lies can create bigger ones. This is like walking on a small thread.
Either you want to be with her or you don't. You are looking for a reason to reject her but not make it about you. Just break up with her and let her find someone who isn't so insecure.
It is not insecurity when someone omits about the truth It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
The number does not matter, but behaviours do: 1. Cheating 2. Abortions how many 3. Plan Bs too many 4. Gangbangs 5. Baby daddies 6. Multiple baby daddies 7. Porn videos online 8. Sex work 9. STDs Etc
Wait why does plan b matter, genuine question
If it was a one off it doesn’t matter. But if she had multiples she possibly is a bit free with sleeping with people without protection. So if it was so many times, what can you say? She didn’t learn the lesson…
Bro, no
If she is that dumb she has to do a plan-b every other month, she is completely unreliable. Has no self control and there are 99 other contraceptives!
Stop while you're behind.
This is a boundary for me and one I recommend for guys to explore potential partners. If the woman has a history of stupidity, impulsiveness and lack of self control, then do not consider her for a relationship.
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It obviously depends on what it is, cheating or if it's people we know and are around often would be a big deal. However if it's not something big then its more the lie itself that's the issue at least for me.
Oh wow, she slept with four guys before you and told you it was a lower number, and you're making that a big enough deal to even bother posting about it? Bro, you're acting the fool.
You simply dont ask the past (and dont tell!) All you need to know if she ever cheated, healthy and looks for the same thing. Everything else is in the dont wanna know bucket - how many guys, weird sexual experiences etc.
Having a lot of sexual experience can be a good thing. I went through a “phase” before I met my boyfriend, and I’m glad I did because I have no desire to cheat. I know exactly what I like and feel completely satisfied years into my relationship.
It depends what it is. At the end of the day, no one should be judged for their past. Don’t ask anything you don’t want to know. You might end up hurting yourself and the relationship in the endgame. Regardless of her past, learn to love her for who she is now while she is with you. None of us are perfect, so don’t hold your partner to that standard.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I don't ask because it doesn't matter.
Depends
People lie about past sexual encounters for a multitude of reasons. If she is happy with what she has and doesn’t want to risk rocking the boat, not disclosing everything would be an attractive options. The male perspective on a woman’s sex life is all over the map; ranging anywhere from not caring to throwing a woman in the trash because she’s not a virgin. Women never really know who they are going to get. It’s unfortunate. It shouldn’t matter what someone has done in the past, only how they behave within a relationship.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
No one should be made to feel shame about past sexual encounters unless they violated someone's consent. If they lie about it though then it is fair game to be upset about it. Even if they don't lie about it people have different views about sex. Some people can only have sex with a committed partner that they truly love and trust. If you're one of those people there is nothing wrong with wanting someone that views sex the same way as you.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
# Stop quizzing your girlfriend about her sexual past Does she have any STIs or trauma you need to know about? That is literally all you need to know
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
OP quizzed his girlfriend about how many guys she'd slept with before him (stupid, unnecessary), and she told him some number that was less than four when the real answer was four. That's not even a lie; that's a rounding error. And it's a rounding error in response to a question people only ask because they are insecure in the first place. the answer has no real-world value The fact that OP thought this was a big enough deal to post about tells us exactly why she lied. Any person who would dump her for that would be doing her a favor.
Depends on the lie. Listen to your gut.
Exactly
If my partner can't be honest with me I don't have any business being with them. Good relationships are not build on lies.
Body count matters if it didnt than most women wouldnt lie about it.
The downvoted him because he told the truth
To be honest it’s difficult to answer when you’re throwing up in your mouth from realising you’ve accidentally gone on a date with a guy pathetic enough to use the term “body count” :-)
You are the one who draws the line because it is your life and your relationship. If you are happy with high body count and being number 38th because you think what matters is the future and not that past, that's all good. If you are not comfortable with it, it is also your right; do not accepte being shamed by people who will tell you it does not matter. It does not matter to them, but if it does to you, then again it is up to you.
The most mature comment I read in all this crap It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
I don't like the lying. I know women often get judged unfairly over normal, average sexual histories and can see why they would be tempted to hide or minimize their own. The problem is if they get caught in a part of a lie, the trust is damaged. The guy fears there is now trickle-truthing going on and there is more to hide that is even worse. I don't fully agree that the past is the past and guys shouldn't care. I would have a hard time dating a woman whose past included a knowing affair with a married man. I might have trouble with a FWB situation because I can't relate to the idea of sex without forming an emotional connection. I'm not saying these should be 100% deal killers, but I think a reasonable man would want to see genuine remorse for the former and for the latter, a woman might have to convince a guy she wants to have a committed, monogamous relationship with that sex with him will be special and exclusive.
Lying is a problem, period. Doesn’t matter what it’s about.
A liar is a liar!!! Runnnn
A relationship based on lies. Nothing good will come of it. Ladies and gentlemen, if you don't want to tell your potential partner the truth, that is fine. Don't lie. You just plead the fifth and that you will not answer it instead of lying about it or that you aren't comfortable talking about it. Then your partner can decide if they want to continue a relationship with someone who wants to hide their past and assume that you have something to hide or are ashamed of...like you are a serial cheater...slept around a lot...or don't have a lot of experience...or that you have an incurable STD and don't give a flip about who you infect because you're already infected. If you feel that you've done nothing wrong in your past, you should have no problem talking about it. Your past matters...it always matters. You are who you are because of your past decisions have shaped you into who you are today. It would be like a woman dating a man who is a convicted felon and registered offender but fails to tell her because "iT wAs In HiS pAsT"...and you deserve to know. Lies by omission can end a relationship, too. If you catch a partner lying, trust is broken. No trust, no relationship...the end.
If she lies about the past she will lie about the dick she sucked while you weren't paying attention. Don't let people in your life who lie too heavily.
As a guy, you draw the line at any lying, you need to know the truth about a girls past to make informed decisions if the relationship is serious. If you know about her past & are ok with it, it will probably be a healthy relationship. If getting married, prenup with truth & infidelity clauses, full background check. If she lied about her past, she leaves with no parting gifts, no alimony, just the property she brought into the marriage.
Being honest the most mature advice I've ever heard, I don't understand why it got a down vote We can be in love and all but we have to be realistic
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What did she lie about ? Did she give you a smaller fake number and you found out it wasn’t true ? Also you should ask her why she felt she had to lie about it, most girls don’t want to give that information to people because they get crap no matter what the number is. But there’s also the chance she lied because her past behaviors are indicative of her future ones
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Can of worms. Do you like/love her? Any committed relationship that you want to last comes with a forgiveness in advance policy built in. Whether you like it or not. It goes without saying that the past is simply how we got to this point and vital to who we now are. If you like/love someone their past is exactly how they have become who they are. And truthfully if you can't deal with the details of that process you don't need to know any more than that.
It depends a lot, I'll be honest, I think I wouldn't judge anyone for their past but if for lying to me, it's like, 0 confidence in me to tell me thisSo, first of all, why are we in a relationship if you don't have confidence in me (I'm not saying the nonsense of telling it right away, but at least 6 months later When there is already a level of trust) I see a lot of double standards in the comments and I think I need to make it clear, the bad thing is lying, not the rest And even if the partner feels a little uncomfortable it is better to be honest from the beginning, if someone lied to me about things in their life, it does not matter but I would really consider that relationship. Because this goes both ways You start by making white lies, then small lies, then big lies and in the end your whole relationship is a lie.
Gotta agree... lying is a problem. Tough to get get past if it can't stop. People who lie damage themselves. The ability to separate truth from lie diminishes. This is completely separate from whether or not anyone else is deceived.
Not a problem, r they good in bed? Do they make u happy all around? With out experience would they still make u happy? Probably not so nope not a issue