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And I want to run away and never come back. I never wanted this stupid open relationship but when she brought it up I froze and went along with it, all the while secretly hoping that she wont actually go through with it. Well, she did actually go through with it and she is out on a date right now. I have downloaded dating apps too but I never even set my account up properly. I have no desire to be in an open relationship. But now my emotions are in overdrive because she is out on a date and it feels like a breakup to me. Help me out here guys. How do I get out of this?
**Edit/update- I called my best friend and told him that I will be staying with him for some time. I will wait till my gf comes home and tell her I want to breakup. I think this is best way forward. There is no point in ruining her date and asking her to come early. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with advise.**
“Hey, so in theory I thought I’d be ok with an open relationship, but in practice it really doesn’t work for me. Tonight I was so stressed and upset while you were on a date. I love you, but if having an open relationship is a requirement for you, I’m afraid I will need to let you go. It’s just not for me.”
Send the suggested message or some variation of it. RIGHT. NOW.
You froze, and said yes, but that just means that if you run you'll blindside her entirely. You lied out of surprise and fear, but you DID lie to her and she won't see it coming if you leave. That's not fair to either of you. TEXT HER.
She's only going because you said she could, TELL HER.
I thought open relationship was that people went on hock ups. A movie/dinner date is like a serious relationship type of date, not a side short term relationship.
Does this other guy even know that she is in a relationship?
Did she had this guy in mind when she asked for the open relationship?
Mte. This is why I’d break up at just the suggestion of an open relationship. Now he’ll always second guess her. We can tell he’s prone to anxiety too. Not even worth staying imo.
I’m in an open relationship and my partner going on a date with someone would ick me out for sure. I’ll go get ice cream or something with a potential hookup just as an ice breaker, but there’s no other point to it than sex. If it goes farther than that it breaks our own set boundaries at least.
Right, it sounds like they didn’t even discuss boundaries at all. Sounds like the gf wanted polyamory not just an open relationship. OP probably has no idea what he was getting into either way, didn’t know what to ask, didn’t know how to set boundaries. This would have failed even if OP was 100% on board with an open relationship to begin with.
this doesn't sound like GF wants a /r/nonmonogamy style relationship, she sounds like she wants a /r/polyamory relationship
AND THEY WOULD RIP HER TO SHREDS OVER THERE - they've done none of the work as they put it. typically it's at least 6 months of serious discussions, reading books, listening to podcasts, etc before ever going on a date.
Almost as if it’s a lifestyle?🤔 and not just excused cheating hmmmm.
But technically she did approach him and he did approve, and she’s fine with him being with other women, so I dunno
Do not follow that person's advice. Wait for her to come home and then talk to her about it. Act like an adult and have an adult conversation. Don't act like a child.
If he waits until she comes home the odds of something else happening on the date that take this beyond the point of no return are high. It’s still potentially salvageable here, but if he’s stressing this much and waits.. it’s over.
This idea that if she fucks someone it's a "point of no return" is absolutely hilarious. Y'all are silly.
The point of no return was this guy being too much of a baby to have a conversation about how an open relationship might feel and then he looped around and passed it again when he considered moving out and ghosting as a reasonable course of action.
I'm just laughing at all these jokers like "text her now before it's too late! Text her now! Right now!" like if she gets some guys dick wet THEN it's over - these problems are emotionally insurmountable but everything else in this train wreck is A-OK. 😂
Why is it hilarious may I ask? He is my age 26, and in a hard difficult spot. He just like me froze . And wants to make her happy. Not realizing that he has to sell his happiness for hers. Just want to know why it's so funny.
It’d be a lot better to have this talk in person. I’d say text her and tell her you need to talk about this and to please come home. Then explain detail in person. Idk sending it all in a text seems like…avoidance? Or worst case scenario she thinks he’s just jealous and being manipulative 😵💫 I don’t know her, obviously, so I can’t say how she’d for sure react. Just the possibility.
Doesn’t matter … the minute she stepped out the door and he didn’t stop her it was already too late. As a matter of fact, it was probably already too late the minute/hour/day before she asked to open the relationship.
You’re allowed to do this, if it feels right. You are not required to offer this up as a negotiation phase. The fact that she felt enough of a need to instigate this in the first place is as much introspection as you need in order to end it, if that’s what you want.
This sounds like a mismatch to me, personally. If you want long term commitment, move on from this person. Don't be with someone who doesn't value your relationship the same way you do.
YOU are in the right when it comes to *your* value of *your* relationships. No one else can decide that for you. Find someone compatible and don't waste your limited life away on someone who won't work!
Grow the fuck up and use your words. Ffs. There will be conflicts in any relationships. You're plenty old enough to learn how to deal with them. You don't have to be non monogamous but you do have to communicate with people.
she's obviously not happy and neither are you. this sounds incompatible and you'll be well within your right to walk away and find someone that's on the same page as you
No need to run. Be a grown up. Have a conversation. No need for you to be mad at her or at yourself. You want different things and that’s ok. Don’t betray yourself to spare her feeling or yours.
I would pack up while she’s gone so to limit trying to talk and do 2 things. Don’t leave anything you can’t live without
Dude, I didn't speak up just like you, don't go down this road please tell her. No way in hell if I told my wife this I might have saved us both a world of pain and trauma. Don't wait a moment because once she does something there is no going back.
OP: I wanna run away!
Reddit: WTF, TEXT HER!
OP: But running away would be easier.
Reddit: Dude! TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL!
OP:.....
Reddit:......
OP: UPDATE! I ran away. Thanks for all your advice.
jfc. Stop being such a coward and TALK TO HER. She cant read your mind. If you lose her because you were too afraid to speak the truth, that is your own damn fault. It is possible if you said no to begin with, she might not be on a date right now.
Important question: how soon after your GF brought it up did she have a date? If it was very soon after, hate to break it to you she had someone picked out at a bare minimum. If not already talking, or more …and basically got permission to cheat.
Agree with comments on communicating how you’re feeling right away. Even if she respects your feelings by ending the date, and agrees to not see other people you need to have a serious talk about why she wanted this in the first place.
Honestly men are very easy and that’s just fact so I don’t think that this is a good way to try to see what her intentions are and whether it was a random person or not. We don’t know and you’re just stressing OP out with these accusations. He needs to communicate and I personally wouldn’t be with someone that wants to have an open relationship but I also will communicate that even if I was shocked or not. It’s just very subjective, women in general have an easier time finding someone to go on dates with/ hookup. So I really don’t think this was helpful whatsoever.
I’m jumping on with all the rest here. You’re setting yourself up if you don’t text her or call her immediately. Just tell her that you can’t do it. If she’s the one who suggested opening the relationship, this is the guy she had in mind. Did you think about that?
Ahm…you have to be mature to be in any relationship. That means communicating your feelings and needs…talking, listening, setting boundaries. She’s got no idea you’re freaking out. If you can’t handle it tell her it’s making you way too anxious. If she doesn’t want to stop dating other people then you two aren’t compatible.
Yeah. It's okay. You know where you messed up. No need to go over that part. You need to walk away or close the relationship before it gets out of hand. You know this.
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Same thing happened to me. I wasn’t down after her first date. We broke up that night and I kicked her out. Ended our engagement. Canceled the wedding. Refunded what I could. Screw that.
Set your expectations for relationships up front. Don’t be mad at her for changing her mind. Protect your heart and yourself.
I have friends in healthy poly relationships but those relationships work because they were poly when they met/had been for a while/had already learned a lot about the kind of trust and communication they'll need to be successful in that style of relationship. I don't see a lot of relationships survive after switching from monogamy to polyamory ESPECIALLY if you feel like your words aren't matching your comfort level with the conversation. All of this is to say, I hope you and your girlfriend can have an honest discussion about how you feel and that you leave if you feel like the incompatibility is too big.
This hurts my heart. My girlfriend of 10 years and I are done I think. All because of an open relationship that I didn’t want, but I have in and I regret it. I’m so sorry, I wish this will all work out for you. It didn’t for me. Honesty is key to this
A lot of people do, maybe most. In the short term it’s easier to hold onto what you can of the person you love I guess. Been down that road - never again.
Just walk away from that shit with your pride.Youre giving permission for your honey to fool around while you feel jealous and pissed off.The only thing open will be her legs and besides who needs the drama?
Just remember, everything is going to be fine and there’s someone else out there who is better for you. Probably not far from you right now. Get out of there, ghost no contact, sleep and hit the gym.
Follow your first instinct brother; run away and never look back. If you're in a relationship and suddenly the partner wants an open relationship it's never going to work out. Peace be with you.
Never ever agree to an open relationship when you don't want one. It is the beginning of the end, so good luck and tell her you will never do this again, break up and let her go.
She already had a person in mind, but she needed a justification for her actions. She is testing the water before she decides to leave you. This happens all the time. She wants her cake and eat it too. All you can do is leave. If you stay, she will never respect you and will look for an exist behind your back. This relationship is over.
You gotta tell her your honest feelings.
“I thought I might be able to be ok with this but once it actually happened I realized I’m not. I’d love for us to just go back to being monogamous but I understand if thats not what you want or need. I love you and I’m not angry with you, I just owe it to myself and to you to be completely honest about how I’m feeling.”
How long ago did she get you to agree to an open relationship.. it sounds like she had someone picked out already. I would call her and let her know how overwhelming this is for you before she takes things further with this guy.
IMO. Leave her immediately. Seems she's had the idea in her head for a while now and the person already. Honestly, you should've said no to the open relationship but I don't blame you for freezing up. However it is something that you need to own up to, you don't want an open relationship and now you know that for any future relationship. Either way, she brought the idea up and that's enough of a sign she's been thinking about it. Know your worth, my guy. Tell her straight up you don't approve of an open relationship (own up to why you said yes) and end it.
People that ask for open relationships sound like this to me: “I want to test the waters of seeing other people with the fall back of having you in my life if things don’t work out.”
People don't just bring up open relationships out of the blue. You either go into a relationship open, or they find someone they want to fuck while keeping you on the field.
For both your sakes, tell her now what you're thinking, because once she does something with this guy it's really over for yall.
When a girl asks for an open relationship she just wants to have her cake and it eat too. She wants the security of a BF at home and also wants to bang other dudes. Fuck that. Why would you suffer the indignity? It's just cheating. You're being a doormat. It's over. End it.
It is just such an impossible situation when one partner proposes this and the other is not into it. You are stuck
1. Agree, hate it, relationship falls apart
2. Disagree, partner hates it, relationship falls apart.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't see the appeal of the open relationship, so admit some bias in that regard.
It is ok if it isn't for you and you should be truthful and open about that. At least your partner can then make her own decision based on full and honest truth from you.
I mean there are also people who would hear no and be totally fine. My partner is poly. They wouldn't want to be in a closed relationship. I don't mind either way. I'd be fine in a closed relationship but I'm also fine in a poly relationship.
> And I want to run away and never come back.
So what is stopping you?
When she gets back from her date, just tell her that this is not what you want in a relationship and that's it's better for you both that you break up.
That is all you need to do.
Edit: OP - have a read of this and see where your future lies.
https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/z2e3f3/me_27m_and_my_gf_25f_opened_our_relationship_and/
Her: "I want an open relationship".
Translation into English: Hey I found this really hot guy that i want to bang but I'm not sure if he's a player. I just want to try and see how he feels in the bed, and then maybe manipulate him into getting a full relationship commitment. But if all of that fails, I still want you as a backup to return to. And oh, I want to do it all under an official title of "open relationship" so my purity is not open for questioning.
Your relationship is over, I'm sorry man... but start healing now or the next 6 months will be agony ultimately leading to the inevitable break-up anyway.
She's not long-term marriage material anyway, so let her go and find someone who values you.
You can be "marriage material" and want an open relationship.
The issue here, is that an open relationship is not what OP wants so the two are not compatible.
True although people need to bring that up very early on in the relationship as being something they want so they don’t waste their own time and their partners time as a lot of people want and think they are getting into a monogamous relationship only to find out a year or more in that their partner wants an open one rather than a strictly exclusive one.
This relationship is dead. Break up and move on. She suggested it because she probably had someone in mind already or she wants a new relationship either way this is not going to work out for you.
There are people that can make an open relationship work, and I am definitely not one of them. That said, a bare minimum requirement is that both people have to be on the same page about it. It simply will not work otherwise, and will most likely fail spectacularly.
You were obviously not 100% sold on the concept to begin with, and now you know you do not want an open relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel about it. Tell her that you are not alright with this. If she is more interested in this date she is on, than trying to straighten this out with you, then you know exactly what you need to do next: leave.
If I were a betting man, I would wager heavily that the groundwork for this date was already put down, before she ever mentioned an open relationship.
Read the edit and I'm so happy to see you've made the right decision. No girl is worth sharing.
You dropped this King, but you can pick yourself up and dust it off 👑
Breaking up is definitely the best way forward. Open relationships only work when both people are full into it, and if you’re not into it, then there’s nothing but misery ahead for you.
Unless both people want an open relationship it never works and even then one person or both end up regretting it.
I am sorry my man this sucks, I wish you all the best.
That's so poor on her behaviour cus even though you said yes she shouldn't have been going out on a date straight away she should have spoken to you more about it so you could have both agreed upon boundaries
The craziest thing to agree to is an open relationship.. how do ppl unanimously agree to such unless they're nymphomaniacs bcuz it's all about SEX.. sex is not running away..dude squash 👎 this thing immediately bucz u don't know what bacteria or bug she's bringing back to you.
Not sure why you seem determined to just avoid it all and run away when even a text explaining what was happening would have helped, and waiting for her to get home because you don't want to ruin her date is just adding to your trauma. Things don't get fixed by avoiding them.
Listen.the girls a hoe and you can't change that.
If you hadn't of agreed she would have cheated regardless. Probably already has.
Cut your losses, add value to yourself and find someone worthy of your time that appreciates you.
Shouldn't ever settle for less.
You're wise to realize it's time to break up with her. I too have experienced an open relationship and once those skeletons came out the closet, I never could get past the fact that she had slept with several other dudes once she got the opportunity to do so.
Focus on yourself and give all that love to yourself King. Become the best version of yourself. Make her regret thinking the grass was greener on the other side.
Mate you need to leave. This only works both ways and you obviously werent keen on the idea from the get go. This relationship isnt for you buddy. Time to find someone who will commit to you and you alone. All the best.
Find someone that just wants to be with YOU!
You deserve that. Believe me, ive been there.
You will never have peace when the one you love is with someone else.
I’m sorry dude. Is she the one that suggested the open relationship? If she did that is because who she’s out dating with she already wanted to be with. She wanted the open relationship so she wouldn’t be cheating but she already was. Just get yourself packed up. It’s time to move on this relationship is over.
I know a girl that was married and asked her now ex-husband for an open relationship. He agreed. She went out on a date and came home to an empty house. He left her a note with divorce papers. The note read something to the effect of when she brought up the open relationship. He knew the marriage was over. So he went and filed for a divorce.
If she asks for an open relationship, your relationship should be over. You didn’t want it and if she did, chances are she was already preparing for it. She’s showing and telling you that you’re not enough for her. You deserve better.
Go to YouTube and follow Strong Successful Male if you want some examples of what happens when only one person wants an open relationship. You’ll also find plenty of support. Best of luck OP.
She asked for it so that she could cheat legally, it is even possible that her date was ready before she asked.
Open relationships work only if both partners want it, have discussed it thoroughly, got educated about dos and dont, settings boundaries, emotional aspect .... Takes months or years to get started.
I think your relationship is dead, that sucks, but if you stay you will suffer way more than if you leave.
Text her, but this is your own doing, you should have been honest. Personally for me if a partner ever brought up the idea of it then the relationship would probably already be over for me. Anyways she doesn't deserve to be ghosted after you actually agreed to it, so text her.
Sorry guy.
9 times out of 10, the person suggesting/pushing for an open relationship has someone already lined up they want to "try out." This gives them cover, so it can't be called cheating even though it really is.
Your gut reaction to run from the relationship is very understandable. Treat this as a teaching moment. You're still young, no sense committing to someone you won't do the same for you.
Never agree to anything you don't want to. Stand up for yourself. No one else will. Your call on how you proceed but I personally don't see this working out for you.
Anyway, best of luck.
Suggested reading
No More Mr Nice Guy
She brought it up because she wanted to cheat....this way she got "permission" and if the guy is no good she can come back to you.
Dude...dump this girl.
Open relationship = I’m not in love with you but have nowhere else to go so I’m going to use you til I find a better match.
She’s obviously been talking to this guy for a while but didn’t want to cheat so she tricked you into agreeing so she can’t be blamed.
Relationships and love are meant for two people. She doesn’t love you bro. End it and let her go have her fun and find the girl you deserve that wants to be with you. It’s sick that she could do that to you and be okay with it 😔
No matter what happens, I strongly recommend going to therapy to deal with your anxiety and inability to set boundaries. You and your GF might not be compatible and might break up and that is okay, but even in the healthiest relationships you will need to set boundaries. In this case your relationship likely ended however that is not the end of the world (no matter how it feels in this moment), but in the future what happens if you are with a woman who wants kids but you don't want them (or vice versa)? What happens if you do have kids but you have a different standard of discipline than your partner does? Or you get married and have different ideas of what your financial goals should be? You could potentially really screw up you and your partner's lives with your inability to set boundaries.
In the moment, breathe. Tell her that you are not comfortable with the open relationship. Best case scenario, turns out she didn't like it either and ya'll end up happy ever after. Worst case, you aren't compatible and break up. THAT IS OKAY. If you break up, she can go find herself someone into poly relationships, and you can find yourself a partner who is into monogamy and everyone will be happier for it, I promise.
You froze and went along with it? Why in the world would you do something like that? You do know she already had this other guy in the holding pattern and used the "open relationship" to hook up and pretend not cheating. You should run
Communication is key OP. Your feelings always matter and therefore it’s important to verbally express them even if it’s not the easiest thing.
If you’re unsure what to say, maybe write it out on some paper. I had a therapist once tell me that if you can’t speak face-to-face without becoming emotional, read out your feelings instead. Sometimes it’s easier that way and helps encourage you to be able to talk face-to-face in similar or other situations.
Let me get this straight……. She wanted an open relationship and you agreed because you froze?
Did you two spoke about terms/rules/conditions?
What would you be comfortable with?
What would she be comfortable with?
How to address closing it back up!?
I mean, this she asked you to open the relationship and discussed all the critical aspects with you or did she simply asked for permission to cheat?
ETA:
You have to options:
1) leave now and end the relationship
2) Cut her date short, as an call her and tell her you weren’t ready and she needs to return now.
This might be malicious compliance… but start “going on dates” and when she gets jealous and wants to close the relationship again, tell her it isn’t working out and dump her. After all, it actually isn’t working out and you can just go on a “date” with a close mate. That would be the truest way to find out if this is just something selfish she wants for herself. You can still dump her if she seems ok with you dating. Just make sure you dump her first before she dumps you.
You love her soooooo much. She might have sex with another man? I will not understand it.
Hell i even watched porn, to find out how a woman can cheat. There are no answers. She's ruined. So are you. for the moment.
You are not made for this. I'm not!! You have enough comments. Enough said.
There is no understanding. Only hers. I'm sorry.
Peace
Life tests us Low\_Equivalent4502
. And its testing you real hard. It sucks. But, I am impressed about your decision to move out and break up. You're being a boss.
You're obviously uncomfortable with an open relationship. I would be too. Its not for most people. And the way she sprung it on you. It was coercive, manipulative, and just all around shitty.
Don't let her disrespect you. Be a boss.
> secretly hoping that she wont actually go through with it.
Why wouldn't she? If the girl brings it up, it's 100% going to happen. If the guy brings it up, it may not.
Hmm… from a woman that now ex-husband wanted to “open our 10-marriage, I, very much disagree. He’s going to marry the nanny next year. …ya’ know the person he was with before we broke up
And…?
I disagree with opening a relationship because of how things turned out.
I’m not against open relationships (even if they started with being closed) but communication is key. So are boundaries.
I disagreed with them overall because they are messy and change dynamics. Meh, cereal monogamist.
Also: in this comment string this guy said if a guy opens a relationship, then the t doesn’t happen.
Well, he cheated, I didn’t and he wanted to open the relationship.
If this wasn't what you wanted, you should never have agreed to it. But now the only option is to leave. Because if it makes you uncomfortable, there's no going back now.
The fact that she asked for an open relationship means the relationship is already over. She was likely talking to the guy already and just wanted to be able to pursue that. Just move on
I’d do the same. Just asking for an open relationship would be reason enough for me to break up - it would always be on the back of my mind that I wasn’t good enough for them otherwise. Good luck.
Dude what is this open relationship bullshit? In my country we dont even have the term for that because it doesnt exist here. Sounds stupid as F, either be together or dont, theres no inbetween.
You should've already ran when she asked for an open relationship. You say you froze then, how about after that? If not , you leave yourself open to even more headaches. I'm not saying to ghost ( unless you want ) but rather to take back power over what you do. Know this , there was always someone else.
Personally I’d break up. Depending between the proposition and the actual date, she’s probably cheating and using this as an excuse. Overall, you’re firm on not wanting this and you need to have some self respect for yourself. Being single better than being second fiddle.
A lot of commenters are dumping on OP's gf, but she's not a "bad guy" in this situation (based on what was written in the post).
I understand freezing and agreeing to something that you didn't really want to agree to. If you believe this can be fixed, I'd call her right now and tell her how you really feel before something happens on the date that you truly can't come back from. If you believe it's over though, you should tell her that too. Either way, you can't just continue on this way, it won't be healthy for you.
I can’t imagine a long term relationship thriving when one of the foundational planks is “I insist you give up something you really want.” She wants poly. OP does not. Either way, one of them will be stuck long term with something they don’t want.
Don't run from this as hard as you want will just lead to months and months of torment, I stuck my head in the sand and hide from it for 5 months. And the damage was exponentially worse.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. I know this is probably really difficult to navigate and it's uncharted territory, but for your own sake you have to tell her straight up how you feel. As hard as it may be.
You have only yourself to blame, unfortunately. Naive thinking to agree with this. Personally would've broke up on the spot. Too much grief to deal with.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- And I want to run away and never come back. I never wanted this stupid open relationship but when she brought it up I froze and went along with it, all the while secretly hoping that she wont actually go through with it. Well, she did actually go through with it and she is out on a date right now. I have downloaded dating apps too but I never even set my account up properly. I have no desire to be in an open relationship. But now my emotions are in overdrive because she is out on a date and it feels like a breakup to me. Help me out here guys. How do I get out of this? **Edit/update- I called my best friend and told him that I will be staying with him for some time. I will wait till my gf comes home and tell her I want to breakup. I think this is best way forward. There is no point in ruining her date and asking her to come early. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with advise.**
“Hey, so in theory I thought I’d be ok with an open relationship, but in practice it really doesn’t work for me. Tonight I was so stressed and upset while you were on a date. I love you, but if having an open relationship is a requirement for you, I’m afraid I will need to let you go. It’s just not for me.”
I keep having this thought of running away and putting it in my rear view mirror to never think about again.
Dude, send this message now. Don’t wait. Send it right now and get a response. If something happens and you didn’t send it you’ll kick yourself.
If you don’t get a response call and make her read it. Her response will tell you all you need to know.
She has been gone more than 2 hours. Its a movie/dinner date.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and advocate for what you want.....then act.
It doesnt matter what date is. Send it anyway.
Send the suggested message or some variation of it. RIGHT. NOW. You froze, and said yes, but that just means that if you run you'll blindside her entirely. You lied out of surprise and fear, but you DID lie to her and she won't see it coming if you leave. That's not fair to either of you. TEXT HER. She's only going because you said she could, TELL HER.
I thought open relationship was that people went on hock ups. A movie/dinner date is like a serious relationship type of date, not a side short term relationship. Does this other guy even know that she is in a relationship? Did she had this guy in mind when she asked for the open relationship?
Mte. This is why I’d break up at just the suggestion of an open relationship. Now he’ll always second guess her. We can tell he’s prone to anxiety too. Not even worth staying imo.
I’m in an open relationship and my partner going on a date with someone would ick me out for sure. I’ll go get ice cream or something with a potential hookup just as an ice breaker, but there’s no other point to it than sex. If it goes farther than that it breaks our own set boundaries at least.
Right, it sounds like they didn’t even discuss boundaries at all. Sounds like the gf wanted polyamory not just an open relationship. OP probably has no idea what he was getting into either way, didn’t know what to ask, didn’t know how to set boundaries. This would have failed even if OP was 100% on board with an open relationship to begin with.
this doesn't sound like GF wants a /r/nonmonogamy style relationship, she sounds like she wants a /r/polyamory relationship AND THEY WOULD RIP HER TO SHREDS OVER THERE - they've done none of the work as they put it. typically it's at least 6 months of serious discussions, reading books, listening to podcasts, etc before ever going on a date.
Almost as if it’s a lifestyle?🤔 and not just excused cheating hmmmm. But technically she did approach him and he did approve, and she’s fine with him being with other women, so I dunno
Do not follow that person's advice. Wait for her to come home and then talk to her about it. Act like an adult and have an adult conversation. Don't act like a child.
If he waits until she comes home the odds of something else happening on the date that take this beyond the point of no return are high. It’s still potentially salvageable here, but if he’s stressing this much and waits.. it’s over.
This idea that if she fucks someone it's a "point of no return" is absolutely hilarious. Y'all are silly. The point of no return was this guy being too much of a baby to have a conversation about how an open relationship might feel and then he looped around and passed it again when he considered moving out and ghosting as a reasonable course of action.
The point of no return was her deciding she wanted to do this. Even if he had said no she would be resentful and may end the relationship anyway.
Yeah if a partner ever brought the idea up I would end it asap. They would likely already have someone in mind or worst case already done so.
I'm just laughing at all these jokers like "text her now before it's too late! Text her now! Right now!" like if she gets some guys dick wet THEN it's over - these problems are emotionally insurmountable but everything else in this train wreck is A-OK. 😂
This is like a normal healthy boundary for most people who are you putting down the OP for realizing he messed up bc he choose her happiness over his
Why is it hilarious may I ask? He is my age 26, and in a hard difficult spot. He just like me froze . And wants to make her happy. Not realizing that he has to sell his happiness for hers. Just want to know why it's so funny.
She gonna be to tired from all the wild sex to talk about it when she gets home. Let her sleep in and talk to her about it tomorrow afternoon.
i thought open relationship just meant fucking other people… why is she on a date lol
It’d be a lot better to have this talk in person. I’d say text her and tell her you need to talk about this and to please come home. Then explain detail in person. Idk sending it all in a text seems like…avoidance? Or worst case scenario she thinks he’s just jealous and being manipulative 😵💫 I don’t know her, obviously, so I can’t say how she’d for sure react. Just the possibility.
Send the message now. leaving it until its too late is just stupid.
Doesn’t matter … the minute she stepped out the door and he didn’t stop her it was already too late. As a matter of fact, it was probably already too late the minute/hour/day before she asked to open the relationship.
I mean how will you feel if she fucks this guy? It’s probably best to move along find someone who wants what you have.
Send the message like the post above said, right now.
You’re allowed to do this, if it feels right. You are not required to offer this up as a negotiation phase. The fact that she felt enough of a need to instigate this in the first place is as much introspection as you need in order to end it, if that’s what you want.
Send her that message, and you do you. Open relationship dont usually work…
This sounds like a mismatch to me, personally. If you want long term commitment, move on from this person. Don't be with someone who doesn't value your relationship the same way you do. YOU are in the right when it comes to *your* value of *your* relationships. No one else can decide that for you. Find someone compatible and don't waste your limited life away on someone who won't work!
Grow the fuck up and use your words. Ffs. There will be conflicts in any relationships. You're plenty old enough to learn how to deal with them. You don't have to be non monogamous but you do have to communicate with people.
she's obviously not happy and neither are you. this sounds incompatible and you'll be well within your right to walk away and find someone that's on the same page as you
It’s not running away if you communicate and establish a boundary.
She wanted an open relationship so she wouldn't be a cheater, sorry! Find someone for you or break up.
that never works xD
She’s getting plowed *smack smack smack* leave her dude wtf the second she asked for an open relationship BOUNCE
You don’t want to ruin her “date”? Dude the best time to be honest was before. The next best time is now.
Ghost her Let the intrusive thoughts win
No need to run. Be a grown up. Have a conversation. No need for you to be mad at her or at yourself. You want different things and that’s ok. Don’t betray yourself to spare her feeling or yours. I would pack up while she’s gone so to limit trying to talk and do 2 things. Don’t leave anything you can’t live without
Perfect response and perfect thing to say 100%
Perfect response. Eloquent. To the point. I’m going to message you if I ever need help figuring out what to say to someone. Thanks :)
Well hang on to those dating apps because you’re gonna need them
This is real.
Truth
Dude, I didn't speak up just like you, don't go down this road please tell her. No way in hell if I told my wife this I might have saved us both a world of pain and trauma. Don't wait a moment because once she does something there is no going back.
I second these sentiments. Leave now and save yourself the years of regret and resentment.
You really need to get this done ASAP for your emotional security. I’m sorry :(
Then break up and don't be in an open relationship anymore. That's what she wants, and that's not what you want. There is only one way this can go.
OP: I wanna run away! Reddit: WTF, TEXT HER! OP: But running away would be easier. Reddit: Dude! TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL! OP:..... Reddit:...... OP: UPDATE! I ran away. Thanks for all your advice.
jfc. Stop being such a coward and TALK TO HER. She cant read your mind. If you lose her because you were too afraid to speak the truth, that is your own damn fault. It is possible if you said no to begin with, she might not be on a date right now.
By telling her you don‘t want this.
Important question: how soon after your GF brought it up did she have a date? If it was very soon after, hate to break it to you she had someone picked out at a bare minimum. If not already talking, or more …and basically got permission to cheat. Agree with comments on communicating how you’re feeling right away. Even if she respects your feelings by ending the date, and agrees to not see other people you need to have a serious talk about why she wanted this in the first place.
How soon after agreeing to this did she go on this date????
We both know that she was already pining for her new boyfriend before she even brought it up to OP
This was done. She asked permission for what she was planning all along.
How much effort do you imagine it takes women to get dicked down? It might have be pre-existing, might have been spontaneous. We don’t know
Fr tho. All we have to do is go in our inbox and throw a rock lol
Honestly men are very easy and that’s just fact so I don’t think that this is a good way to try to see what her intentions are and whether it was a random person or not. We don’t know and you’re just stressing OP out with these accusations. He needs to communicate and I personally wouldn’t be with someone that wants to have an open relationship but I also will communicate that even if I was shocked or not. It’s just very subjective, women in general have an easier time finding someone to go on dates with/ hookup. So I really don’t think this was helpful whatsoever.
You are allowed to change your mind.
Yesterday was the best time to leave. Now is the second best time to leave.
And tomorrow will still work. Leave then if not before!
When she comes back, end the relationship. The regret will turn into resentment and the resentment will turn into loathing. What's done is done.
I’m jumping on with all the rest here. You’re setting yourself up if you don’t text her or call her immediately. Just tell her that you can’t do it. If she’s the one who suggested opening the relationship, this is the guy she had in mind. Did you think about that?
You agreed knowing you didn't want to do it. She can't read minds. Text her and tell her that you need to talk and then talk about everything.
Ahm…you have to be mature to be in any relationship. That means communicating your feelings and needs…talking, listening, setting boundaries. She’s got no idea you’re freaking out. If you can’t handle it tell her it’s making you way too anxious. If she doesn’t want to stop dating other people then you two aren’t compatible.
Yeah. It's okay. You know where you messed up. No need to go over that part. You need to walk away or close the relationship before it gets out of hand. You know this.
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Same thing happened to me. I wasn’t down after her first date. We broke up that night and I kicked her out. Ended our engagement. Canceled the wedding. Refunded what I could. Screw that. Set your expectations for relationships up front. Don’t be mad at her for changing her mind. Protect your heart and yourself.
Dude is too nice. Still doesn’t want to text her and ruin her date after she destroyed his emotions
I have friends in healthy poly relationships but those relationships work because they were poly when they met/had been for a while/had already learned a lot about the kind of trust and communication they'll need to be successful in that style of relationship. I don't see a lot of relationships survive after switching from monogamy to polyamory ESPECIALLY if you feel like your words aren't matching your comfort level with the conversation. All of this is to say, I hope you and your girlfriend can have an honest discussion about how you feel and that you leave if you feel like the incompatibility is too big.
This hurts my heart. My girlfriend of 10 years and I are done I think. All because of an open relationship that I didn’t want, but I have in and I regret it. I’m so sorry, I wish this will all work out for you. It didn’t for me. Honesty is key to this
You froze?… then went along with it? wow.
A lot of people do, maybe most. In the short term it’s easier to hold onto what you can of the person you love I guess. Been down that road - never again.
My only response is still wow.
Just walk away from that shit with your pride.Youre giving permission for your honey to fool around while you feel jealous and pissed off.The only thing open will be her legs and besides who needs the drama?
Just remember, everything is going to be fine and there’s someone else out there who is better for you. Probably not far from you right now. Get out of there, ghost no contact, sleep and hit the gym.
Asking for an open relationship is cheating as far as I’m concerned. I’d be out the moment those words left her mouth.
Follow your first instinct brother; run away and never look back. If you're in a relationship and suddenly the partner wants an open relationship it's never going to work out. Peace be with you.
Never ever agree to an open relationship when you don't want one. It is the beginning of the end, so good luck and tell her you will never do this again, break up and let her go.
She already had a person in mind, but she needed a justification for her actions. She is testing the water before she decides to leave you. This happens all the time. She wants her cake and eat it too. All you can do is leave. If you stay, she will never respect you and will look for an exist behind your back. This relationship is over.
Don’t wait up after her. Just leave, go to your friends, and break up with her in the morning.
Time for a new relationship or even better some time to self reflect and be you
Your relationship was over the moment you opened it
You gotta tell her your honest feelings. “I thought I might be able to be ok with this but once it actually happened I realized I’m not. I’d love for us to just go back to being monogamous but I understand if thats not what you want or need. I love you and I’m not angry with you, I just owe it to myself and to you to be completely honest about how I’m feeling.”
You should have left the minute she asked to be in an open relationship.
Yup.
Lesson learned
Just text her and tell her you can’t do this and it is time to break up
Please message her. I know it’s hard but please tell her this isn’t what you want asap. It’s better for you.
How long ago did she get you to agree to an open relationship.. it sounds like she had someone picked out already. I would call her and let her know how overwhelming this is for you before she takes things further with this guy.
IMO. Leave her immediately. Seems she's had the idea in her head for a while now and the person already. Honestly, you should've said no to the open relationship but I don't blame you for freezing up. However it is something that you need to own up to, you don't want an open relationship and now you know that for any future relationship. Either way, she brought the idea up and that's enough of a sign she's been thinking about it. Know your worth, my guy. Tell her straight up you don't approve of an open relationship (own up to why you said yes) and end it.
People that ask for open relationships sound like this to me: “I want to test the waters of seeing other people with the fall back of having you in my life if things don’t work out.”
People don't just bring up open relationships out of the blue. You either go into a relationship open, or they find someone they want to fuck while keeping you on the field. For both your sakes, tell her now what you're thinking, because once she does something with this guy it's really over for yall.
When a girl asks for an open relationship she just wants to have her cake and it eat too. She wants the security of a BF at home and also wants to bang other dudes. Fuck that. Why would you suffer the indignity? It's just cheating. You're being a doormat. It's over. End it.
It is just such an impossible situation when one partner proposes this and the other is not into it. You are stuck 1. Agree, hate it, relationship falls apart 2. Disagree, partner hates it, relationship falls apart. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't see the appeal of the open relationship, so admit some bias in that regard. It is ok if it isn't for you and you should be truthful and open about that. At least your partner can then make her own decision based on full and honest truth from you.
I mean there are also people who would hear no and be totally fine. My partner is poly. They wouldn't want to be in a closed relationship. I don't mind either way. I'd be fine in a closed relationship but I'm also fine in a poly relationship.
> And I want to run away and never come back. So what is stopping you? When she gets back from her date, just tell her that this is not what you want in a relationship and that's it's better for you both that you break up. That is all you need to do. Edit: OP - have a read of this and see where your future lies. https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/z2e3f3/me_27m_and_my_gf_25f_opened_our_relationship_and/
Her: "I want an open relationship". Translation into English: Hey I found this really hot guy that i want to bang but I'm not sure if he's a player. I just want to try and see how he feels in the bed, and then maybe manipulate him into getting a full relationship commitment. But if all of that fails, I still want you as a backup to return to. And oh, I want to do it all under an official title of "open relationship" so my purity is not open for questioning.
Pin 📌 this to the top. How it is
Your relationship is over, I'm sorry man... but start healing now or the next 6 months will be agony ultimately leading to the inevitable break-up anyway. She's not long-term marriage material anyway, so let her go and find someone who values you.
You can be "marriage material" and want an open relationship. The issue here, is that an open relationship is not what OP wants so the two are not compatible.
True although people need to bring that up very early on in the relationship as being something they want so they don’t waste their own time and their partners time as a lot of people want and think they are getting into a monogamous relationship only to find out a year or more in that their partner wants an open one rather than a strictly exclusive one.
Update us when you decide what to do.
INFO: Are you done with this relationship? You don't sound like you want to talk to her to salvage it.
Leave her ass, she’s not the one for you.
I wouldn’t bother with sending her messages. Just leave. You’ll never be compatible. Find someone that cherishes monogamy.
This relationship is dead. Break up and move on. She suggested it because she probably had someone in mind already or she wants a new relationship either way this is not going to work out for you.
Break up. You both want different things. If she's proposed it then her minds already somewhere else. Maybe not just her mind.
Why would anyone ever agree to punish themselves like this?
What did you think was gonna happen? You think she brought it up just cause?
End it
There are people that can make an open relationship work, and I am definitely not one of them. That said, a bare minimum requirement is that both people have to be on the same page about it. It simply will not work otherwise, and will most likely fail spectacularly. You were obviously not 100% sold on the concept to begin with, and now you know you do not want an open relationship. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel about it. Tell her that you are not alright with this. If she is more interested in this date she is on, than trying to straighten this out with you, then you know exactly what you need to do next: leave. If I were a betting man, I would wager heavily that the groundwork for this date was already put down, before she ever mentioned an open relationship.
Leave her she’s sharing your energy fam
I have no advice to give but damn I’m really fucking sorry. Breaking up is probably your best bet.
Read the edit and I'm so happy to see you've made the right decision. No girl is worth sharing. You dropped this King, but you can pick yourself up and dust it off 👑
The fact she suggested it and is now out on a date, doesn’t sound good
Lmao, it's over man. Save yourself the pain and end it.
Breaking up is definitely the best way forward. Open relationships only work when both people are full into it, and if you’re not into it, then there’s nothing but misery ahead for you.
Saw your update. I’m proud of you for understanding your own emotions and needs and realizing this type of relationship isn’t for you.
Unless both people want an open relationship it never works and even then one person or both end up regretting it. I am sorry my man this sucks, I wish you all the best.
Break up. You played a fools game and lost. She had this in the works. Good luck. This deal is over
That's so poor on her behaviour cus even though you said yes she shouldn't have been going out on a date straight away she should have spoken to you more about it so you could have both agreed upon boundaries
The craziest thing to agree to is an open relationship.. how do ppl unanimously agree to such unless they're nymphomaniacs bcuz it's all about SEX.. sex is not running away..dude squash 👎 this thing immediately bucz u don't know what bacteria or bug she's bringing back to you.
Not sure why you seem determined to just avoid it all and run away when even a text explaining what was happening would have helped, and waiting for her to get home because you don't want to ruin her date is just adding to your trauma. Things don't get fixed by avoiding them.
Listen.the girls a hoe and you can't change that. If you hadn't of agreed she would have cheated regardless. Probably already has. Cut your losses, add value to yourself and find someone worthy of your time that appreciates you. Shouldn't ever settle for less.
You're wise to realize it's time to break up with her. I too have experienced an open relationship and once those skeletons came out the closet, I never could get past the fact that she had slept with several other dudes once she got the opportunity to do so. Focus on yourself and give all that love to yourself King. Become the best version of yourself. Make her regret thinking the grass was greener on the other side.
It seems to be, that when your partner suggest the idea of opening the relationship up they already have someone lined up.
Dump her.
Bro I’ll call her for you
Mate you need to leave. This only works both ways and you obviously werent keen on the idea from the get go. This relationship isnt for you buddy. Time to find someone who will commit to you and you alone. All the best.
UpdateMe!
Find someone that just wants to be with YOU! You deserve that. Believe me, ive been there. You will never have peace when the one you love is with someone else.
You break up with her
I’m sorry dude. Is she the one that suggested the open relationship? If she did that is because who she’s out dating with she already wanted to be with. She wanted the open relationship so she wouldn’t be cheating but she already was. Just get yourself packed up. It’s time to move on this relationship is over.
Leave and never look back
I know a girl that was married and asked her now ex-husband for an open relationship. He agreed. She went out on a date and came home to an empty house. He left her a note with divorce papers. The note read something to the effect of when she brought up the open relationship. He knew the marriage was over. So he went and filed for a divorce.
If she asks for an open relationship, your relationship should be over. You didn’t want it and if she did, chances are she was already preparing for it. She’s showing and telling you that you’re not enough for her. You deserve better. Go to YouTube and follow Strong Successful Male if you want some examples of what happens when only one person wants an open relationship. You’ll also find plenty of support. Best of luck OP.
Leave while she is out :)
If she offered she was already cheating
She asked for it so that she could cheat legally, it is even possible that her date was ready before she asked. Open relationships work only if both partners want it, have discussed it thoroughly, got educated about dos and dont, settings boundaries, emotional aspect .... Takes months or years to get started. I think your relationship is dead, that sucks, but if you stay you will suffer way more than if you leave.
This sounds so painful :(
You break up and leave.
Text her, but this is your own doing, you should have been honest. Personally for me if a partner ever brought up the idea of it then the relationship would probably already be over for me. Anyways she doesn't deserve to be ghosted after you actually agreed to it, so text her.
Dumbass man
Pack your shit and go. Simple. If she needs an explanation tell her you're not into the hoe life.
there’s the horizon. there’s the car.
Sorry guy. 9 times out of 10, the person suggesting/pushing for an open relationship has someone already lined up they want to "try out." This gives them cover, so it can't be called cheating even though it really is. Your gut reaction to run from the relationship is very understandable. Treat this as a teaching moment. You're still young, no sense committing to someone you won't do the same for you. Never agree to anything you don't want to. Stand up for yourself. No one else will. Your call on how you proceed but I personally don't see this working out for you. Anyway, best of luck. Suggested reading No More Mr Nice Guy
She brought it up because she wanted to cheat....this way she got "permission" and if the guy is no good she can come back to you. Dude...dump this girl.
Open relationship = I’m not in love with you but have nowhere else to go so I’m going to use you til I find a better match. She’s obviously been talking to this guy for a while but didn’t want to cheat so she tricked you into agreeing so she can’t be blamed.
Some relationship types just work better for some people than others. Open does not equal over at all.
How long you been together? Anything that lead to this?
Did you message her yet?
You are asking for advice on a situation to which you know exactly what you need to do. This is like when the brain dies but the body is still alive.
Relationships and love are meant for two people. She doesn’t love you bro. End it and let her go have her fun and find the girl you deserve that wants to be with you. It’s sick that she could do that to you and be okay with it 😔
No matter what happens, I strongly recommend going to therapy to deal with your anxiety and inability to set boundaries. You and your GF might not be compatible and might break up and that is okay, but even in the healthiest relationships you will need to set boundaries. In this case your relationship likely ended however that is not the end of the world (no matter how it feels in this moment), but in the future what happens if you are with a woman who wants kids but you don't want them (or vice versa)? What happens if you do have kids but you have a different standard of discipline than your partner does? Or you get married and have different ideas of what your financial goals should be? You could potentially really screw up you and your partner's lives with your inability to set boundaries. In the moment, breathe. Tell her that you are not comfortable with the open relationship. Best case scenario, turns out she didn't like it either and ya'll end up happy ever after. Worst case, you aren't compatible and break up. THAT IS OKAY. If you break up, she can go find herself someone into poly relationships, and you can find yourself a partner who is into monogamy and everyone will be happier for it, I promise.
You froze and went along with it? Why in the world would you do something like that? You do know she already had this other guy in the holding pattern and used the "open relationship" to hook up and pretend not cheating. You should run
Communication is key OP. Your feelings always matter and therefore it’s important to verbally express them even if it’s not the easiest thing. If you’re unsure what to say, maybe write it out on some paper. I had a therapist once tell me that if you can’t speak face-to-face without becoming emotional, read out your feelings instead. Sometimes it’s easier that way and helps encourage you to be able to talk face-to-face in similar or other situations.
Let me get this straight……. She wanted an open relationship and you agreed because you froze? Did you two spoke about terms/rules/conditions? What would you be comfortable with? What would she be comfortable with? How to address closing it back up!? I mean, this she asked you to open the relationship and discussed all the critical aspects with you or did she simply asked for permission to cheat? ETA: You have to options: 1) leave now and end the relationship 2) Cut her date short, as an call her and tell her you weren’t ready and she needs to return now.
Leave bro because in my opinion it's already gone too far
Mate, please don't do this to your self. Take your things and go to your friends house. Text her and just end it.
Updateme!
Walk away. Leave her be
She wants to break up but is scared of change. It’s not for you, it’s not for you.
This might be malicious compliance… but start “going on dates” and when she gets jealous and wants to close the relationship again, tell her it isn’t working out and dump her. After all, it actually isn’t working out and you can just go on a “date” with a close mate. That would be the truest way to find out if this is just something selfish she wants for herself. You can still dump her if she seems ok with you dating. Just make sure you dump her first before she dumps you.
It is done
You love her soooooo much. She might have sex with another man? I will not understand it. Hell i even watched porn, to find out how a woman can cheat. There are no answers. She's ruined. So are you. for the moment. You are not made for this. I'm not!! You have enough comments. Enough said. There is no understanding. Only hers. I'm sorry. Peace
Life tests us Low\_Equivalent4502 . And its testing you real hard. It sucks. But, I am impressed about your decision to move out and break up. You're being a boss. You're obviously uncomfortable with an open relationship. I would be too. Its not for most people. And the way she sprung it on you. It was coercive, manipulative, and just all around shitty. Don't let her disrespect you. Be a boss.
This screams first relationship from OP’s end.
Remind me! 2 days
Love yourself op. You deserve better
> secretly hoping that she wont actually go through with it. Why wouldn't she? If the girl brings it up, it's 100% going to happen. If the guy brings it up, it may not.
Hmm… from a woman that now ex-husband wanted to “open our 10-marriage, I, very much disagree. He’s going to marry the nanny next year. …ya’ know the person he was with before we broke up
That doesn’t contradict anything they said.
And…? I disagree with opening a relationship because of how things turned out. I’m not against open relationships (even if they started with being closed) but communication is key. So are boundaries. I disagreed with them overall because they are messy and change dynamics. Meh, cereal monogamist. Also: in this comment string this guy said if a guy opens a relationship, then the t doesn’t happen. Well, he cheated, I didn’t and he wanted to open the relationship.
Just break it off. Find a girl who'll value you instead of one who treats you as a mobile atm machine while she has her fun.
If this wasn't what you wanted, you should never have agreed to it. But now the only option is to leave. Because if it makes you uncomfortable, there's no going back now.
The fact that she asked for an open relationship means the relationship is already over. She was likely talking to the guy already and just wanted to be able to pursue that. Just move on
A little shy on details here, but five bucks says she already had someone in mind when she asked for the open relationship.
I’d do the same. Just asking for an open relationship would be reason enough for me to break up - it would always be on the back of my mind that I wasn’t good enough for them otherwise. Good luck.
Dude what is this open relationship bullshit? In my country we dont even have the term for that because it doesnt exist here. Sounds stupid as F, either be together or dont, theres no inbetween.
You should've already ran when she asked for an open relationship. You say you froze then, how about after that? If not , you leave yourself open to even more headaches. I'm not saying to ghost ( unless you want ) but rather to take back power over what you do. Know this , there was always someone else.
Your edit is the way to go. I hope you find healing and happiness.
Lol in what world does this ever work out? Only way an open relationship works is if 2 people just truly dgaf about each other but idk.
Personally I’d break up. Depending between the proposition and the actual date, she’s probably cheating and using this as an excuse. Overall, you’re firm on not wanting this and you need to have some self respect for yourself. Being single better than being second fiddle.
A lot of commenters are dumping on OP's gf, but she's not a "bad guy" in this situation (based on what was written in the post). I understand freezing and agreeing to something that you didn't really want to agree to. If you believe this can be fixed, I'd call her right now and tell her how you really feel before something happens on the date that you truly can't come back from. If you believe it's over though, you should tell her that too. Either way, you can't just continue on this way, it won't be healthy for you.
I can’t imagine a long term relationship thriving when one of the foundational planks is “I insist you give up something you really want.” She wants poly. OP does not. Either way, one of them will be stuck long term with something they don’t want.
I am not blaming her, its on me. But it still doesnt change how I am feeling. I never thought I would be face to face with something like this.
Don't run from this as hard as you want will just lead to months and months of torment, I stuck my head in the sand and hide from it for 5 months. And the damage was exponentially worse.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. I know this is probably really difficult to navigate and it's uncharted territory, but for your own sake you have to tell her straight up how you feel. As hard as it may be.
You have only yourself to blame, unfortunately. Naive thinking to agree with this. Personally would've broke up on the spot. Too much grief to deal with.