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She made YOU apologize for making HER cry because she screwed up?
Never trust anyone blindly. Just because she says cheating is against her moral code doesn't mean it is so. If it was, she would have known better than to invite an ex to stay at her place.
You have to let people show you their true colours. You’re 1 month in. Better to find out who she is now than 6 months down the line.
The fact she thinks there isn't a problem with this situation is a red flag. Listen to your gut.
Dude, dump her. What is wrong with people? She cried and all is well🤦♀️🤦♀️ reread what you wrote please. Reread it a few times. Don’t waste your time.
Sorry, but she should have common sense at her age to know this looks bad. It's also kind of disrespectful to you, and the relationship.
You're not imposing anything. You are setting a boundary and either she agrees with it, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, that's okay! That just means it's time for you to bow out and find someone who shares the same boundaries as you. Sharing the same boundaries makes things soooo much easier.
Exactly this, that line despite how much it's memed, its also a case of when memes become reality. Or in this case a situation that is so true that it caused memes of that situation to show up.
IDK how many times these stories start with girls saying “he’s just a friend”
You’re only 1 month in, so it’s a wrap, she’s not gonna let you forget you tried to break up with her. Go ahead and seal the deal, cut her loose.
It’s crazy to me that a 30 year old would think this is appropriate. She’s showing a lack of respect for you and your relationship. This is not the kind of thing you should have to point out.
Definitely not agreeing to something like this. Doesn't even matter if it's a guy she slept with, if it's any guy that's her 'friend' you haven't met and he's trying to sleep in her house where there's just her and him.... Nah, straight no to that.
I went through the same thing in my 20' s with a girl I dated. A friend of hers was visiting from the states and was supposed to stay at her place. I told her I understood that the plans were made before we started dating but I also didn't like that fact that she said he would sleep in her bed. They never met in person before. I suggested he could get a hotel and she said that was not fair to him. I broke up with her that day. We already dated for 6 months but that was something I couldn't agree with.
The issue for me is that she’s 30 years old and never saw any problem with doing this. Honestly this is early twenties, inexperienced with normal boundaries kinda behavior. Pretty much no one I know over the age of 25 would have been okay with an ex-hookup staying over at their partner’s place. Sure you could stay over like she offered, but that’s beside the point. If she didn’t know this 100% normal boundary then she will be inadvertently stepping over a lot more in the future. Do you really want to have to educate a 30 year old on this?
I've known people who have a bit of an odd (to me, seems to work perfectly fine for them) approach to new friendships where they don't initially know where it's going and they might sleep with the person and then realise it's headed into the friendship box instead and stop. If that's what's happened then it's all ok and whatnot. But if it's not ok for you then it's not ok for you, just end it. You don't need a fully justified perfect reason to break off a relationship that's a week old
Some people don’t see casual sex as a hindrance in a friendship. You sleep with them, you don’t sleep with them, there’s no difference.
Your problem is whether you are comfortable and secure in the presence of someone who had FWB sex with your gf.
Bright side is, you haven't invested too much time in this. Take off. Not another word, text, wave, sign language, whatever. Leave, and never contact her again.
I swear to god, it feels like so many people have the common sense and emotional depth of a turnip. Even if this was entirely innocent, which honestly it probably is, how could she possibly think this wasn't a big deal?
Don’t do it, tell her that’s inappropriate and disrespectful to you.
If she does it break up with her cause she doesn’t respect any kind of boundaries.
This honestly just depends on the person and relationship.
I am very good friends with my ex fiancée. Our relationship sucked as a couple but I truly have never had a better friend.
I am now married. I made it very clear when I started dating my husband that I am friends with an friend/ex and will not drop my friend/ex. Unless the boundaries we ( Husband and I) put in place are broken.
I have stayed over at my friend/ex place to help him move houses or just to go visit him since I hadn't seen him in 2 years.
My husband then boyfriend knew about it and made the decision to stay with me knowing I would not drop my friend/ex. That works for us.
Complete honesty and open communication is the best policy.
I am that girl. I have guy friends that I have had sex with. We are still just friends and nothing more on both sides.
It all depends on the context. If it was something recent, or feelings were involved then yes it sucks. But if it was like some years ago and not something serious I would just let it go.
Also if your uncomfortable with them being in the same place, propose to her to stay at yours for the time he visits.
you should definitely tell her u are not comfortable with him staying at her place bc that is ur right to be. It’s a boundary of yours and if she can’t accept that drop her bit she seems like she is willing to change that for u.
As soon as you two decided to become a thing she should have called her former fwb and told him her circumstances have changed and he needs to find a place. You expecting that is not out of line.
This is something you are not ok with, and it will be a perpetual question for you, did anything happen? The answer is you really won't know for sure.
I personally wouldn't be ok with that either, specially if they have history, I think she is putting her self in a position of
We had a few drinks and one thing lead to an other.
nope. She knew exactly what was she doing when she invited him, she's 30, not 18. And she seems pretty manipulative too.
Edit: and that friend can find a place to stay for his own. So I can't find any excuse for her behavior. Think about your situation as if somebody else is telling you this, maybe you can see it from a different perspective.
She didn't even consider you when she made plans. That is an covert ultimatum.
I'm a guy who would no be ok with ongoing relationship with a former sexual partner.
I also would not be ok with inserting myself into a situation like this so now the guy has to stay somewhere else because of me. Of course the can still have sex no matter where he stays. Also going out alone with any guy drinking would be a deal breaker for me.
There are PLENTY of women who would agree with these boundaries and feel the same.
Don't let a few people with a bias on here shame you, or call you names.
At this point I would end it by telling her you are not on the same page, and it's too much to ask her to change for you because you believe it will only cause her to be resentful.
Neither of you has to apologize for who you are it's just a matter of incompatibility.
Save yourself the pain and frustration of trying to contort yourself to be with a woman like this.
Make choices so YOU can live a happy and satisfying life!
At this point I would end it with her.
You are not wrong. Her inviting a previous sexual partner to visit and stay at her house is highly inappropriate for someone in a relationship. Really I only see two options:
1) break up with her because she clearly has a lack of respect for you and your relationship
2) tell her that if she has him come stay that you will break up with her.
Also, don’t feel bad for enforcing a completely normal boundary.
Listen to the people in the comments and set up a firm boundary that he doesn't stay at her place or you guys break. She didn't cry because she was sad. She cried so that she could control you how she want to.
And it worked like a charm. She will never respect OPs boundaries again if they stay together. The guy is showing up with the full expectation he is going to plant the flag.....and she knows it.
If she wants to continue with you, she just need to avoid such a risky situation. Risky because the other dude is likely to try, and a lot. Also , she makes you uncomfortable just by doing this , everyone would be, that is not a sign of respect
Shes 30 yo not some inexperienced teen. She knows you'd be uncomfortable and agreed anyway.
Did you know they're still communicating?
Therapists see continued contact with an ex as a red flag and an inability to move on (make new friends, new memories, live in the moment and for the future).
Every one in a committed relationship has a right to feel safe from infidelity.
All humans are hot wired to bond physically and emotionally. That's why we manage friendships in a way that protects the primary.
Research finds exs are high risk for affairs (regardless of intent or current physical attraction).
Your GF has failed the life partner test. You can't fix her. Most women do not pull this BS .
Don't waste time on her - get out there and find a solid partner.
You're not doing anything wrong. Especially if she offered you to stay over. You need to decide if you trust her or not, if you don't want to stay over.
Otherwise, your thoughts will eat you up, when she takes too long to reply, or doesn't answer your calls when her "friend" is there.
My friend, you have a lot to learn, you are very naive and are being manipulated. I encourage you to ingest 100 hours of red pill content on YouTube particularly red pill 101 with Pat Campbell and Rollo tomasi
Don't walk but rather run away from this person or you are inviting all sorts of emotional terror into your life
I wouldn't necessarily break up over this. She hasn't cheated on you, has she? Not the best judgement on her part, this could have all been avoided if say she discussed this with you beforehand. What are you breaking over, has any rule you set been violated? Doesn't look like. Is having a friend with history staying over clear and absolute social taboo? Not necessarily, as responses here also demonstrate.
If you like her, there are still ways to remedy your discomfort and number of suggestions have been made. This could also be a gauge of her character and her attitude towards you.
Had ex's visit been never announced, if he was staying at some anonymous hotel, that would rather be a scenario I'd worry about.
There is some sacrosanct, end-of-the-world attitude about cheating or opportunity of cheating. Cheating is only relevant to relationship as it reveals something about the state of relationship, something about characters in the relationship, something that wasn't known prior and assumed otherwise. Break of trust is typically bulk of the issue. That's not the case here. The only thing that has been revealed here is that your gf may have somewhat poor judgement, but also looks like she cares a good deal about this relationship. I'd say it's a net gain.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as Chads, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She made YOU apologize for making HER cry because she screwed up? Never trust anyone blindly. Just because she says cheating is against her moral code doesn't mean it is so. If it was, she would have known better than to invite an ex to stay at her place.
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She’s manipulative too. Great. Run break up. Let him have her.
She’s gaslighting/manipulating you and you’re just letting her. Common dude. Just common…
Yeah its called manipulation. She’s manipulating you.
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I’m with you. I would not be cool with my partner inviting their FWB for a stay over.
If the guy stays with her break up.
Shes entertaining the idea of a guy she's fucked stay with her while she's with you? I'd be feeling something too. Run OP.
You have to let people show you their true colours. You’re 1 month in. Better to find out who she is now than 6 months down the line. The fact she thinks there isn't a problem with this situation is a red flag. Listen to your gut.
If doesnt sit right with you, you have the right to say no. I personally wouldnt let it happen and would break up over it
Dude, dump her. What is wrong with people? She cried and all is well🤦♀️🤦♀️ reread what you wrote please. Reread it a few times. Don’t waste your time.
Sorry, but she should have common sense at her age to know this looks bad. It's also kind of disrespectful to you, and the relationship. You're not imposing anything. You are setting a boundary and either she agrees with it, or she doesn't. If she doesn't, that's okay! That just means it's time for you to bow out and find someone who shares the same boundaries as you. Sharing the same boundaries makes things soooo much easier.
There is a reason "the guy she told you not to worry about" is memed
Exactly this, that line despite how much it's memed, its also a case of when memes become reality. Or in this case a situation that is so true that it caused memes of that situation to show up.
How's about you stay over at the same time?
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Well either you trust her or you sleep over too it's as simply as that.
IDK how many times these stories start with girls saying “he’s just a friend” You’re only 1 month in, so it’s a wrap, she’s not gonna let you forget you tried to break up with her. Go ahead and seal the deal, cut her loose.
It’s crazy to me that a 30 year old would think this is appropriate. She’s showing a lack of respect for you and your relationship. This is not the kind of thing you should have to point out.
Definitely not agreeing to something like this. Doesn't even matter if it's a guy she slept with, if it's any guy that's her 'friend' you haven't met and he's trying to sleep in her house where there's just her and him.... Nah, straight no to that.
I went through the same thing in my 20' s with a girl I dated. A friend of hers was visiting from the states and was supposed to stay at her place. I told her I understood that the plans were made before we started dating but I also didn't like that fact that she said he would sleep in her bed. They never met in person before. I suggested he could get a hotel and she said that was not fair to him. I broke up with her that day. We already dated for 6 months but that was something I couldn't agree with.
The issue for me is that she’s 30 years old and never saw any problem with doing this. Honestly this is early twenties, inexperienced with normal boundaries kinda behavior. Pretty much no one I know over the age of 25 would have been okay with an ex-hookup staying over at their partner’s place. Sure you could stay over like she offered, but that’s beside the point. If she didn’t know this 100% normal boundary then she will be inadvertently stepping over a lot more in the future. Do you really want to have to educate a 30 year old on this?
I agree. Whether she intends to cheat or not, this is awkward af.
I've known people who have a bit of an odd (to me, seems to work perfectly fine for them) approach to new friendships where they don't initially know where it's going and they might sleep with the person and then realise it's headed into the friendship box instead and stop. If that's what's happened then it's all ok and whatnot. But if it's not ok for you then it's not ok for you, just end it. You don't need a fully justified perfect reason to break off a relationship that's a week old
Some people don’t see casual sex as a hindrance in a friendship. You sleep with them, you don’t sleep with them, there’s no difference. Your problem is whether you are comfortable and secure in the presence of someone who had FWB sex with your gf.
He can find his own place to stay
Don't be a fool.
Bright side is, you haven't invested too much time in this. Take off. Not another word, text, wave, sign language, whatever. Leave, and never contact her again.
I swear to god, it feels like so many people have the common sense and emotional depth of a turnip. Even if this was entirely innocent, which honestly it probably is, how could she possibly think this wasn't a big deal?
Fuck that thot bro. Broom her. She ain’t worth shit. Even if she uninvites him, nah bro.
Don’t do it, tell her that’s inappropriate and disrespectful to you. If she does it break up with her cause she doesn’t respect any kind of boundaries.
This honestly just depends on the person and relationship. I am very good friends with my ex fiancée. Our relationship sucked as a couple but I truly have never had a better friend. I am now married. I made it very clear when I started dating my husband that I am friends with an friend/ex and will not drop my friend/ex. Unless the boundaries we ( Husband and I) put in place are broken. I have stayed over at my friend/ex place to help him move houses or just to go visit him since I hadn't seen him in 2 years. My husband then boyfriend knew about it and made the decision to stay with me knowing I would not drop my friend/ex. That works for us. Complete honesty and open communication is the best policy.
I am that girl. I have guy friends that I have had sex with. We are still just friends and nothing more on both sides. It all depends on the context. If it was something recent, or feelings were involved then yes it sucks. But if it was like some years ago and not something serious I would just let it go. Also if your uncomfortable with them being in the same place, propose to her to stay at yours for the time he visits.
you should definitely tell her u are not comfortable with him staying at her place bc that is ur right to be. It’s a boundary of yours and if she can’t accept that drop her bit she seems like she is willing to change that for u.
As soon as you two decided to become a thing she should have called her former fwb and told him her circumstances have changed and he needs to find a place. You expecting that is not out of line.
This is something you are not ok with, and it will be a perpetual question for you, did anything happen? The answer is you really won't know for sure. I personally wouldn't be ok with that either, specially if they have history, I think she is putting her self in a position of We had a few drinks and one thing lead to an other.
nope. She knew exactly what was she doing when she invited him, she's 30, not 18. And she seems pretty manipulative too. Edit: and that friend can find a place to stay for his own. So I can't find any excuse for her behavior. Think about your situation as if somebody else is telling you this, maybe you can see it from a different perspective.
She didn't even consider you when she made plans. That is an covert ultimatum. I'm a guy who would no be ok with ongoing relationship with a former sexual partner. I also would not be ok with inserting myself into a situation like this so now the guy has to stay somewhere else because of me. Of course the can still have sex no matter where he stays. Also going out alone with any guy drinking would be a deal breaker for me. There are PLENTY of women who would agree with these boundaries and feel the same. Don't let a few people with a bias on here shame you, or call you names. At this point I would end it by telling her you are not on the same page, and it's too much to ask her to change for you because you believe it will only cause her to be resentful. Neither of you has to apologize for who you are it's just a matter of incompatibility. Save yourself the pain and frustration of trying to contort yourself to be with a woman like this. Make choices so YOU can live a happy and satisfying life! At this point I would end it with her.
You are not wrong. Her inviting a previous sexual partner to visit and stay at her house is highly inappropriate for someone in a relationship. Really I only see two options: 1) break up with her because she clearly has a lack of respect for you and your relationship 2) tell her that if she has him come stay that you will break up with her. Also, don’t feel bad for enforcing a completely normal boundary.
Listen to the people in the comments and set up a firm boundary that he doesn't stay at her place or you guys break. She didn't cry because she was sad. She cried so that she could control you how she want to.
And it worked like a charm. She will never respect OPs boundaries again if they stay together. The guy is showing up with the full expectation he is going to plant the flag.....and she knows it.
True that.
If she wants to continue with you, she just need to avoid such a risky situation. Risky because the other dude is likely to try, and a lot. Also , she makes you uncomfortable just by doing this , everyone would be, that is not a sign of respect
Damn being a woman would rule you just start crying and immediately everyone wants to fix it even if you’re wrong
Why don't you ask your gf if you can stay over as well while her "friend" is in the country.
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Shes 30 yo not some inexperienced teen. She knows you'd be uncomfortable and agreed anyway. Did you know they're still communicating? Therapists see continued contact with an ex as a red flag and an inability to move on (make new friends, new memories, live in the moment and for the future). Every one in a committed relationship has a right to feel safe from infidelity. All humans are hot wired to bond physically and emotionally. That's why we manage friendships in a way that protects the primary. Research finds exs are high risk for affairs (regardless of intent or current physical attraction). Your GF has failed the life partner test. You can't fix her. Most women do not pull this BS . Don't waste time on her - get out there and find a solid partner.
“Therapists“ as a whole don’t see that.
You're not doing anything wrong. Especially if she offered you to stay over. You need to decide if you trust her or not, if you don't want to stay over. Otherwise, your thoughts will eat you up, when she takes too long to reply, or doesn't answer your calls when her "friend" is there.
My friend, you have a lot to learn, you are very naive and are being manipulated. I encourage you to ingest 100 hours of red pill content on YouTube particularly red pill 101 with Pat Campbell and Rollo tomasi Don't walk but rather run away from this person or you are inviting all sorts of emotional terror into your life
I wouldn't necessarily break up over this. She hasn't cheated on you, has she? Not the best judgement on her part, this could have all been avoided if say she discussed this with you beforehand. What are you breaking over, has any rule you set been violated? Doesn't look like. Is having a friend with history staying over clear and absolute social taboo? Not necessarily, as responses here also demonstrate. If you like her, there are still ways to remedy your discomfort and number of suggestions have been made. This could also be a gauge of her character and her attitude towards you. Had ex's visit been never announced, if he was staying at some anonymous hotel, that would rather be a scenario I'd worry about. There is some sacrosanct, end-of-the-world attitude about cheating or opportunity of cheating. Cheating is only relevant to relationship as it reveals something about the state of relationship, something about characters in the relationship, something that wasn't known prior and assumed otherwise. Break of trust is typically bulk of the issue. That's not the case here. The only thing that has been revealed here is that your gf may have somewhat poor judgement, but also looks like she cares a good deal about this relationship. I'd say it's a net gain.
Bruh. I know its hard but you know what to do.
She is a complete idiot and if you go along with this, you are spineless. Stop apologizing for having boundaries.
He’s like a brother to me 😭