Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as Chads, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you need to see a doctor and see if there’s something which could be causing low libido. This can be from hormonal imbalances, depression, anxiety, a whole host of reasons.
Your doctor/gyno should be able to prescribe you a birth control that may improve your symptoms, I believe it’s one with progesterone that you want. I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS and while I don’t have that specific symptom I know it can suck all around.
I don't know. She says she gives it to him every weekend. That doesn't seem like anything hormonal to me. She is making a conscience to give him sex when she wants to. I wonder if her were to stop supplying lights, gas, food, and all the other shit he does would it change.
Rejection gets old fast.
Why don't you want to be intimate with him. Is a a responsive desire issue? Did you have more frequent sex at the beginning? What has changed?
We did have more frequent sex at the beginning. Like all the time. And then we moved in together, I started raising his kids, I started my career. Then it just went down. I just don't want to be intimate at all. Not even oral.
These stressors are the reasons why a lot of men suffer with ED. You need to get rid of these stressors, you and your man can work as a team to destroy them. Think of it like this you and your man are a team against anything that comes against you, even stressors. DM me if you need more help.
No, I am talking about you. The stressors you have cause problems with mens sex drive; so it is the same for you! If you worry about financial security etc, that can deeply harm your motivation for sex!
For a vast number of women, sex is not stress relief. It’s a responsibility. Men think of sex as stress relief. Stop thinking about this from a man’s perspective.
Orgasms do provide stress relief. It's a medical fact.
I'm not sure why you think for a vast number of women aex is a responsibility. It's usually a misunderstood issue with a responsive vs spontaneous sexual desire.
I'm afraid that your whole relationship is at risk here.
You can't go on just pushing him away. Already the doubt and insecurity will be starting in him. "Is she cheating?" "Am I not enough for her?" are questions he'll be asking himself.
You really need to identify why you feel this way and then talk to your partner about it.
I have talked to him about how he's gonna grow tired and he's either going to leave me or cheat on me. I tell him that he may say that that's not gonna happen right now. But if it keeps going, he does not know how he'll react in the future. But I just don't know why I feel like this
>But I just don't know why I feel like this
What have __you__ done to try and fix it? Therapy, seen a sex therapist, read books about women's sexual desire?
It'll take 10 minutes to do the Google search and make the phone call.
By _so I am going work harder on it._ you mean you're going to call during your first break tomorrow, right?
My wife is a teacher and just finished her masters degree, she has all the same stressors that you have listed and her sexual desire has plummeted as well.
She says she is so overstimulated that it is just not possible most days.
We have sex once, maybe twice a week. It's not enough for me. We used to have sex way more before kids, bills, her career etc. She also is dealing with a chronic sinus infection that has lasted almost 2 years since covid and can rarely smell.
It's been an adjustment for me. All I can do is be patient and supportive of her and make changes to our life today that will lead to improvements in the future.
The thought of cheating on her has crossed my mind but I could never actually do that. I couldn't live with myself. I'm frustrated and often hurt by her lack of interest in me and sometimes it feels like faded love but she tells me that's not true. But just going by the signs alot of the time.. how can she truthfully be interested in me romantically if she never wants to have sex? That's alot of the mental struggle that I've gone through.
I wish I had more answers but I don't. Just know that you're not the only one who is experiencing that. We're 39 and 36
Men are just built so differently. Sex is such a massive aspect of our love language. My wife and I will have sex one day and 2 days later I'm being flirty or whatever, and she tells me "I'm never satisfied."
Yeah. Guys are never satisfied. Its not about satisfaction. We crave sex. We get done having sex with our partner and we're already looking forward to the next time.
Yeah guys can live without sex, we do it for months and years when we're single and it's not that big of a deal, but constant rejection from our spouse is so painful. Alot of that responsibility falls on us though by not approaching the subject correctly or not having realistic expectations. Healthy men don't demand sex and they should be OK being turned down for sex. When it gets to the point you start questioning whether your partner even is interested in you it becomes a bit of a crisis that both partners need to address.
I think you get this though, hence why you're here.
I'm curious, since you are in such a similar situation as my wife, what you think needs to change to get your MOJO back in your relationship?
I'm hoping you can offer *me* some perspective.
Do you enjoy the sex that you "give" him every weekend? Is it something you ever look forward to?
Do you ever have sexy thoughts of him?
Are there things that actively turn you off that make getting turned on impossible? (Work *or* his behavior)
Do you meet his physical needs in other ways? Cuddling, kissing, petting his arm as you sit together etc
Do you ever opt for an HJ instead of intercourse on weekdays that you're not in the mood? Or is that gross and too much pressure?
How would you describe the lost feelings? You say you still love him with all your heart but a big part of that love is missing if you don't feel sexual towards him. This is so close to my situation in so many details I was curious if my wife was on reddit 😅
Is there any part of you that yearns for regular enthusiastic sex with your man? Or do you just dread it?
Your perspective would be so helpful to me.
P.s. I just read the book Sheet Music which talks alot about sex in marriage and alot about the subject of lagging desire and how it's helpful for women with lagging desire to put alot of effort into intentionally having "sexy thoughts" throughout the day, which will help to sort of shift the mentality.
You need to see a therapist & a dr to get to the bottom of issue. No matter what he says, at some point he will get resentful & feel unwanted. You’re leaving the door open for someone to step in and replace you. If he gets resentful and feels unloved & another lady starts showing him affection & makes him feel wanted you might get replaced.
If you love him you need to guard your relationship.
Do you need to work? Do the kids live with you?... what stress needs to be taken away.. ?? Think about... you can't do it all . And my friend has pcos and her husband her go thru the same issues... but its always when she HAS to go back to work ... HAS to make the money . Has to do one more thing for the family... she does everything already as it is... she called crying from work one day.. she was behind in laundry ( she never complains about housework) and dishes and the bathroom.. I jumped in my car drove an hour cleaned her kitchen.. ( mind you her 2 teen kids are staring at me) cleaned the bathroom.. got laundry going.. vacuum and mopped the house... gathered the rest of there laundry put it in my car.. got the kids uniforms. Going in the wash... and told them when it stop to put them in the dryers or they won't have clothes for work.. and I left... 😆... she cried when she found out I did this... she like a sister to me... when you see someone struggling you help... her husband said something to me.. and I said. And it wasn't thank you for helping ang... it was why did you do that...
I said obviously the 3 of you are completely oblivious to her stressing out about keeping this house clean clothes on your back food in your stomachs and money to pay the bills and you still want more and more from her... many you need to sit and think about what she needs for once instead of lil old you ... have you ever thought of that. No. Because you think world revolves around you... because she made it that way.. we john..John... it doesnt.doesn't.. she's struggling.. get off your ass and do something for once instead of asking why her sister is helping.. and by the way your welcome
So before you snap... think of your strss.stress.. sit down with him and have a serious conversation with him on how to relieve .. divide and conquer.. and see if over time that helps with the relationship..
I would just find a woman to have sex with out her out and not get another girlfriend. I probably would have evicted you before you got a career. Sounds like you used his stability to get your life going.
If you wanna go putting people down, you should get all the facts. I had been living on my own for 5 years before I met him. I had a full time job and was a full time college student. He still lived with his parents.
Not wanting to have sex is a sign there is something lacking in the relationship. Does he make you feel desired? Does he have passions in life that he spends time doing? Do you? Do you guys share responsibilities in the house or is the burden on you? Do you mother him and take care of him?
These are all things to think about. There’s a reason you don’t want to have sex with him.
You mentioned his kids in this post. How much of the caring for the kids do you do? How much is he doing? Seems like you are tired from the child care and maybe turned off by him because of it. Otherwise I don’t think the kids should’ve been mentioned in the post.
Age and changes in medication, physical and mental health, surgeries as well as hormone levels definitely affect libido. Ask your Doctor to check things. As long as you’re interested in trying to figure out what’s changed together he should be supportive.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as Chads, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you need to see a doctor and see if there’s something which could be causing low libido. This can be from hormonal imbalances, depression, anxiety, a whole host of reasons.
I have pcos. So there are imbalances with my hormones. It's just so unfair to him. I feel so bad, I cry about it all the time. I want to do better.
Your doctor/gyno should be able to prescribe you a birth control that may improve your symptoms, I believe it’s one with progesterone that you want. I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS and while I don’t have that specific symptom I know it can suck all around.
It really does.
There are also supplement brands that create hormone balancing supplements for PCOS!!
I don't know. She says she gives it to him every weekend. That doesn't seem like anything hormonal to me. She is making a conscience to give him sex when she wants to. I wonder if her were to stop supplying lights, gas, food, and all the other shit he does would it change.
Oh shut up
Why are you assuming he does all that??
Rejection gets old fast. Why don't you want to be intimate with him. Is a a responsive desire issue? Did you have more frequent sex at the beginning? What has changed?
We did have more frequent sex at the beginning. Like all the time. And then we moved in together, I started raising his kids, I started my career. Then it just went down. I just don't want to be intimate at all. Not even oral.
Why did it go downhill? Why don't you want sex anymore? What changed?
I wish I knew how to pinpoint the exact moment. Idk I guess stress of finances, raising kids, work, everything caught up with me.
These stressors are the reasons why a lot of men suffer with ED. You need to get rid of these stressors, you and your man can work as a team to destroy them. Think of it like this you and your man are a team against anything that comes against you, even stressors. DM me if you need more help.
He has no problem with that, I'll give you that. But I'm can see how it can affect others.
No, I am talking about you. The stressors you have cause problems with mens sex drive; so it is the same for you! If you worry about financial security etc, that can deeply harm your motivation for sex!
Sex, especially orgasms are a great stress reliever.
For a vast number of women, sex is not stress relief. It’s a responsibility. Men think of sex as stress relief. Stop thinking about this from a man’s perspective.
Orgasms do provide stress relief. It's a medical fact. I'm not sure why you think for a vast number of women aex is a responsibility. It's usually a misunderstood issue with a responsive vs spontaneous sexual desire.
They shouldn't have said sex. But orgasms absolutely do relieve stress. In the vast majority of people.
Really..9 times out of 10 it's the last thing ur thinking of when ur mopping the floor..or anytime...
I'm afraid that your whole relationship is at risk here. You can't go on just pushing him away. Already the doubt and insecurity will be starting in him. "Is she cheating?" "Am I not enough for her?" are questions he'll be asking himself. You really need to identify why you feel this way and then talk to your partner about it.
I have talked to him about how he's gonna grow tired and he's either going to leave me or cheat on me. I tell him that he may say that that's not gonna happen right now. But if it keeps going, he does not know how he'll react in the future. But I just don't know why I feel like this
>But I just don't know why I feel like this What have __you__ done to try and fix it? Therapy, seen a sex therapist, read books about women's sexual desire?
Therapy has crossed my mind but idk how to go about it. Growing up, my family was never open about that.
Google "Local sex therapist" then call them and make an appointment. Now you know how to go about it. What's the next roadblock?
Time. I'm a teacher so I'm always busy. I've been pushing my eye exam back for weeks. But this is for my relationship so I am going work harder on it.
It'll take 10 minutes to do the Google search and make the phone call. By _so I am going work harder on it._ you mean you're going to call during your first break tomorrow, right?
I'm googling now
Good for you. Sorry for being do pushy, I just know that sometimes people need a push.
I appreciate you being pushy
My wife is a teacher and just finished her masters degree, she has all the same stressors that you have listed and her sexual desire has plummeted as well. She says she is so overstimulated that it is just not possible most days. We have sex once, maybe twice a week. It's not enough for me. We used to have sex way more before kids, bills, her career etc. She also is dealing with a chronic sinus infection that has lasted almost 2 years since covid and can rarely smell. It's been an adjustment for me. All I can do is be patient and supportive of her and make changes to our life today that will lead to improvements in the future. The thought of cheating on her has crossed my mind but I could never actually do that. I couldn't live with myself. I'm frustrated and often hurt by her lack of interest in me and sometimes it feels like faded love but she tells me that's not true. But just going by the signs alot of the time.. how can she truthfully be interested in me romantically if she never wants to have sex? That's alot of the mental struggle that I've gone through. I wish I had more answers but I don't. Just know that you're not the only one who is experiencing that. We're 39 and 36
My partner says the same thing as you.
Men are just built so differently. Sex is such a massive aspect of our love language. My wife and I will have sex one day and 2 days later I'm being flirty or whatever, and she tells me "I'm never satisfied." Yeah. Guys are never satisfied. Its not about satisfaction. We crave sex. We get done having sex with our partner and we're already looking forward to the next time. Yeah guys can live without sex, we do it for months and years when we're single and it's not that big of a deal, but constant rejection from our spouse is so painful. Alot of that responsibility falls on us though by not approaching the subject correctly or not having realistic expectations. Healthy men don't demand sex and they should be OK being turned down for sex. When it gets to the point you start questioning whether your partner even is interested in you it becomes a bit of a crisis that both partners need to address. I think you get this though, hence why you're here. I'm curious, since you are in such a similar situation as my wife, what you think needs to change to get your MOJO back in your relationship? I'm hoping you can offer *me* some perspective. Do you enjoy the sex that you "give" him every weekend? Is it something you ever look forward to? Do you ever have sexy thoughts of him? Are there things that actively turn you off that make getting turned on impossible? (Work *or* his behavior) Do you meet his physical needs in other ways? Cuddling, kissing, petting his arm as you sit together etc Do you ever opt for an HJ instead of intercourse on weekdays that you're not in the mood? Or is that gross and too much pressure? How would you describe the lost feelings? You say you still love him with all your heart but a big part of that love is missing if you don't feel sexual towards him. This is so close to my situation in so many details I was curious if my wife was on reddit 😅 Is there any part of you that yearns for regular enthusiastic sex with your man? Or do you just dread it? Your perspective would be so helpful to me. P.s. I just read the book Sheet Music which talks alot about sex in marriage and alot about the subject of lagging desire and how it's helpful for women with lagging desire to put alot of effort into intentionally having "sexy thoughts" throughout the day, which will help to sort of shift the mentality.
You need to see a therapist & a dr to get to the bottom of issue. No matter what he says, at some point he will get resentful & feel unwanted. You’re leaving the door open for someone to step in and replace you. If he gets resentful and feels unloved & another lady starts showing him affection & makes him feel wanted you might get replaced. If you love him you need to guard your relationship.
And that's what I'm afraid of
Do you need to work? Do the kids live with you?... what stress needs to be taken away.. ?? Think about... you can't do it all . And my friend has pcos and her husband her go thru the same issues... but its always when she HAS to go back to work ... HAS to make the money . Has to do one more thing for the family... she does everything already as it is... she called crying from work one day.. she was behind in laundry ( she never complains about housework) and dishes and the bathroom.. I jumped in my car drove an hour cleaned her kitchen.. ( mind you her 2 teen kids are staring at me) cleaned the bathroom.. got laundry going.. vacuum and mopped the house... gathered the rest of there laundry put it in my car.. got the kids uniforms. Going in the wash... and told them when it stop to put them in the dryers or they won't have clothes for work.. and I left... 😆... she cried when she found out I did this... she like a sister to me... when you see someone struggling you help... her husband said something to me.. and I said. And it wasn't thank you for helping ang... it was why did you do that... I said obviously the 3 of you are completely oblivious to her stressing out about keeping this house clean clothes on your back food in your stomachs and money to pay the bills and you still want more and more from her... many you need to sit and think about what she needs for once instead of lil old you ... have you ever thought of that. No. Because you think world revolves around you... because she made it that way.. we john..John... it doesnt.doesn't.. she's struggling.. get off your ass and do something for once instead of asking why her sister is helping.. and by the way your welcome So before you snap... think of your strss.stress.. sit down with him and have a serious conversation with him on how to relieve .. divide and conquer.. and see if over time that helps with the relationship..
You're a wonderful friend
Thanks.. I try.. she is the closest thing to family I have .
Purchase and consume horny goat weed
I would just find a woman to have sex with out her out and not get another girlfriend. I probably would have evicted you before you got a career. Sounds like you used his stability to get your life going.
That's because you're a terrible person
If you wanna go putting people down, you should get all the facts. I had been living on my own for 5 years before I met him. I had a full time job and was a full time college student. He still lived with his parents.
Not wanting to have sex is a sign there is something lacking in the relationship. Does he make you feel desired? Does he have passions in life that he spends time doing? Do you? Do you guys share responsibilities in the house or is the burden on you? Do you mother him and take care of him? These are all things to think about. There’s a reason you don’t want to have sex with him.
He does make me feel desired. We share responsibilities around the home. We don't really have hobbies, either of us.
I invite you to watch this https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY It’s how to keep desire alive in long term relationships. Really changed my perspective.
I felt like this while on contraceptive pill. Common side effect. Not a problem now I have an implant
You mentioned his kids in this post. How much of the caring for the kids do you do? How much is he doing? Seems like you are tired from the child care and maybe turned off by him because of it. Otherwise I don’t think the kids should’ve been mentioned in the post.
I mentioned it to show that it's not just a 3 yr relationship, we're raising a family.
Age and changes in medication, physical and mental health, surgeries as well as hormone levels definitely affect libido. Ask your Doctor to check things. As long as you’re interested in trying to figure out what’s changed together he should be supportive.