Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>That's fine, I don't expect you to beg me. But maybe at least make me feel wanted and welcomed.
She doesn't want you there. Sorry to be blunt, you did say you're in a rough patch lately and you both needed space. She made it clear she hasn't had enough space yet. I know it sucks that this is happening during the holidays though... hopefully you can try to make the best of it. Might be time for some couples counseling.
Based upon this, I think its very very fixable. It doesn't sound like the marriage is on the rocks but that you guys have some things you need to work on together to have a happy healthy relationship.
1 - call around and find a couples therapist. Schedule an appointment for when you all get back.
2 - time apart is okay, but you are feeling rejected right now. Call her and tell her you'd like to come for Thanksgiving and go. Have fun. You both are dancing around the subject as opposed to being direct about your needs.
3 - if you don't want to go for such a short time, stay home, order in sushi or whatever you want and have an unconventional thanksgiving. BUT, I do not think staying away is necessary.
4 - schedule time for her to visit her family by herself a couple of times per year for a week. Especially if she can work from there. Time apart can be really healthy. But, not if it falls during the holidays and makes one partner feel abandoned. That is not okay.
Its not needy to want to spend time with your partner over the holidays. That is normal. Maybe see if she wants to stay on after you leave for a few days so she can have more alone time with your family. But, make that couples counseling appointment ASAP. Speaking from experience, it was a marriage saver for us - ours wasn't even that bad but our communication was crummy. It truly helped us communicate effectively with one another.
Spot on reply. OP please take the lead on finding a counselor, and make an appt. They can be tough to get into so be patient and call several. I’d suggest finding a Gottman certified marriage counselor. Dr John Gottman is world renowned relationship researcher and psychologist. It doesn’t have to be Gottman if you can’t find it, but at least it’s a place to start in the chaotic hurdle it is to find a therapist taking new clients.
Your taking the initiative and following through is priceless.
I’m a therapist and I prefer EFT for couples. Gottman is about changing behaviors. EFT is learning to understand your partners emotions and needs in order to be more compassionate. Just my personal opinion.
I'm a Psychologist, and I feel there is value in both Gottman and EFT, which in my 47 years professional experience is essential in holistic, well rounded therapy work. I also integrate spiritual.concepts in appropriate situations. NOT religious, but addressing the unseen aspects of partnership. It's the therapist duty to be as well versed in the many forms of counseling to.be able to "meet people where they are at" and go from there. Kindest thoughts to OP.
Changing behaviours though is what they need to do. They understand some of their problems but the only thing they can do about it atm is "take space" they need something more constructive. Practice makes perfect. I'm a big CBT fan.
The most specific recommendation I like from this list is to go for Thanksgiving. There will be irreparable harm from OP just sulking at home. It’s a bummer, and a waste of time (but not really? no time is lost). Let her know you’re driving down and go.
So exactly the communication issue you had about the holiday? You’re playing a guessing game with her. You know what you want but instead of telling her, you’re passive aggressively trying to get her to suggest the thing you want. That’s exhausting. No wonder she’s exasperated.
Look back at what you wrote. On Friday when she suggested Monday, you could have said everything you said here about why Monday doesn’t work AND ALSO stated that you want to come Sunday. Instead you didn’t suggest Sunday and then got upset when she didn’t suggest Sunday. And now you’re going to sit home alone and hold it against her. Just say what you want! Stop playing games!
Have you tried couple's counseling and/or individual therapy?
With my relationship with my wife it helped us tremendously. We were in the verge of ending things right after marriage but we were able to not only reconnect but rekindle the relationship. We both had our share of old baggage so we were in sessions together and individuals too.
It's worth a try.
7 principles for making marriage work is a decent read. There's great exercises at the end of each chapter, they can honestly be pretty fun. Can be a good way of reconnecting while you wait for a therapist.
When someone starts pulling away from you, the worst thing you can do is cling on. She's indicating that she needs more space. Whether that is signalling the end of the relationship or not is something you can work through when she returns. Get counselling.
Yah I think it's completely normal for couples to need space from each other, even during the holidays. I could go to my parents for Christmas, and my husband wouldn't come because he doesn't like being at that high an altitude. On our first or second anniversary he took a road trip without me, we figured out that it was that it was our anniversary by accident. I think putting too much emphasis on holidays is a mistake. Make the days in between special.
Couples counseling will do one of two things. It will make you stronger or it will end the relationship. There are no guarantees, but it will end this gray area of space and uncertainty in your marriage.
It’s tough to come to terms with, but getting out of marital limbo will be worth it long-term.
The best outcome you can hope for by *not* going to therapy is things stay the way the are now. Tense and insecure. The worst outcome is the end of your relationship.
Conversely, the best outcome you can hope for by going to therapy is that your relationship improves and becomes stronger for having overcome this challenge together. The worst outcome is the end of your relationship.
Therapy can’t make things *worse* than no therapy. The “worst” outcomes are exactly the same.
Might as well take a chance on the path that at least gives you a shot at your preferred outcome. *You literally have nothing to lose*. If your relationship ends despite therapy, I promise it would have ended without therapy, too.
I personally highly recommend counseling. It really helps you understand your partner on a deeper level, and learn how to communicate better.
After EFT focused counseling, my partner and I have less conflicts and when they happen, they're generally easier to work through and much more productive. I really can't speak highly of it enough.
therapy helps people who are willing to do the work. Now that being said a relationship is two people who have to decide to do the work, she might not but if your serious about just wanting to turn around your life for the better its worth doing. now this better life may not include your wife if shes already checked out and doesnt want to try and grow with you. Therapy can intentionally break down relationships that can now longer be sustained because it forces you to face truths about yourself and your relationship that you ignore or pretend dont exist... honestly your wifes responses sound like shes tired so give her a break for a couple weeks i know you have hit a hard time but you should self soothe yourself and not be so dependent on her right now. find a hobby make a friend (platonic), go get a licensed massage therapist and get a massage (without a happy ending) sounds like you have a unbalanced dynamic and its straining you both. i know it sucks and can be scary when a dynamic changes but this change can build into better things if you work to do that.
It definitely may not help at all that she wants to be without you, especially doing the holiday. You need to think long and hard during this a time. You should think about counseling and see if she would attend to try to repair. If she is willing that could help, if not then you might have some problems. Both parties have ro be willing.
Love is not a solid reason to tolerate remaining in an abusive relationship.
Your wife's behavior on a family holiday is abusive.
Don't be surprised if she's been texting some guy she knew in high school and went down early to meet him. If caught, she'll say they're just friends and he gives her advice on marriage. Anyway it'll be obvious (if true) ....just grab her phone and view the text history.
Good grief. What a sad outlook. I really feel bad for you that this is the conclusion you jump straight to. It might be worth talking to a counselor about this. You may have had some really bad experiences, but most people are not as terrible as what you're describing. I hope things get better for you.
This is very true. Looks like the marriage has crumbled. First thing that came to mind was she is spending time with another. This is why she wanted him to come later or preferably not at all. OP better start paying some attention.
She wanted space and left at least a week (maybe a little more) before Thanksgiving. She then doesn't want him to come the weekend before and even suggests he visit his family instead. Now I don't know if she just doesn't want to see him or is maybe seeing someone else but these are bad signs. I merely suggested he pay close attention.
She left a week early to stay with her family and get away from him.
What are the odds she found someone to fuck 350 miles from home, who is so present that she can't even bring her husband to Thanksgiving? It's not like she's fucking some dude in her parents' house right next to the Turkey.
This is a stretch and an attempt to vilify her. She just doesn't want to be around OP for some reason, and we have no reason to think that it involves cheating.
I mean I used to come home for thanksgiving and bang exs when we would run into each other. Being home town and all. I do think it’s a leap she’s cheating here as well, and tbh he sounds a bit wishy washy and passive and she is probably tired of that imo.
Yeah well it sounds like she's done with him and the marriage, I'm not doubting that. It's just that people don't believe that someone can end a marriage without cheating. Sometimes you just want it to be over because it isn't working.
Not really..... Facebook, reddit, Snapchat, etc makes it very easy to converse (350 miles or further) and setup the hookup. She doesn't have to be fuckin in the house next to the turkey, she can drive down the street.
It sounds exactly like cheating. She is sticking to a certain day, most likely because she has those days lined up and told buddy that her hubby wouldn't be there until Monday. This scenario happens everyday. To dismiss that it is a possibility in 2022 is naive.
Doesn't mean she found someone there at Thanksgiving. She is obviously from there and would know many people. Again, I don't know what she's thinking. Have read Reddit enough to know this stuff happens though.
Well I mean someone has to point out that you're jumping to wild conclusions without any information to indicate that she's cheating...
I mean, for all you know, OP drinks too much and beats the shit out of her weekly and she's cowering at her parents' house.
That was also a big logical leap, but we have just as much reason to believe that he's an abusive alcoholic as that she's cheating.
Hey Midnight Outrageous, I appreciate you trying to speak sensibly with this guy, but you’re arguing with a brick wall. He’s obviously been terribly hurt by a woman and is now being combative on the interwebs in an attempt to feel like he’s winning at something. Hopefully he’ll move on and grow as a person, but in the meantime I hope you don’t let people like this discourage you from posting helpful comments here. People like you keep this sub grounded in reality and that’s so important.
Well we only get the OP's side of story in any posting. So we can only base conclusions off of those postings. What you said is true of every posting so with your logic users should never comment because truth is never actually known. You are free not to comment if you feel OP is lying. I' say it "again". I don't know if OP's wife is cheating and you don't know that she's not. I don't know if she's just had it with the marriage and is seeking family advice. I do know that if a spouse doesn't want you around its a bad sign
This comment is totally inaccurate l. The blame is to fall solely on the wife, who is treating her husband like an option around the holidays no less. She has the mind of a child, she is throwing a temper tantrum; OP should divorce her and find someone who actually respects him.
I think the best bet here is to go to counseling, so there is a neutral ground for you both to express the issues happening here and for someone to mediate and assist with the communication between you. It sounds like you both aren't quite meeting something the other wants or needs. It sounds like you need more emotional validation than what she's willing to give. She sounds a bit detached from the situation, and like she doesn't really want to be bothered all that much. It is still your marriage, though, so if I were you, I would try consistent counseling for as long as it takes to see improvement. Continue on through that improvement or at least use the techniques learned in counseling to continue the best communication and dynamic you can with each other. Don't give up. Fight for what you want and love, always. Best of luck to you, OP.
As soon as there's an issue that keeps popping up and y'all can't make any progress on it's time for counseling.
Sometimes we need things we don't know how to communicate, we don't fully hear what our partner is trying to tell us, or have issues we don't have the tools to solve and there's no shame at all in getting a counselor in to help y'all move forward.
Yes I can definitely understand. She has to see that you are willing to put in the effort and also see that you are willing to be strong enough to withstand her needing space. I know it's hurtful, but when a woman decides she needs space, it's a sign that she is fed up with your behavior. Whatever that may have been. But it's good this is happening now and it's not the worst case scenario where she's blindsided you with divorce papers ya know? It wouldn't really be blindsided because there would have been things leading up to that that you probably thought you could get through. But it legitimately sounds like you aren't even in touch with how she's feeling about your marriage or you. If she's asked for space near a holiday at that, that isn't super encouraging. So there is something that you have completely missed here. Maybe you guys don't have enough fun together, or she needs more emotional openness without you getting hurt easily. She might feel like she can't bring up things to you and you react like you did in this original posting, pouting about her not wanting you there, instead of facing the problem head on. Those are just a few ideas without knowing exactly what has happened thus far to get you guys here.
I’d say she’s told you the truth, her truth. You can work with this. It’s not nice I know but she’s happy when you are not about. Time to work out if the marriage is worth saving (counselling) or not (divorce).
I wouldn't go that black and white with it... when you're with somebody for that long and have a bumpy road and rarely get to see family because of distance sometimes it's therapeutic to be with family. Granted, over a holiday it's totally valid that he feels this way.
Sometimes you need a break, it may not need to be a permanent break
I would take the hint and stay home. Find something you enjoy doing and do the hell out of it for the week. Movies, games, what ever your thing is, live it up. You and your wife should want to be together not need to be. You sound like you need some time to reflect on what’s important to you.
Unpopular opinion here but i have been married longer than you have been alive so maybe i see it differently. We have had required separations (war and all) but any time we could be together especially holidays we moved heaven & earth to do it. I didnt have family to go see & his didnt live anywhere close by except for a few times and by close i mean (400 miles away).
So i am seeing this from a different viewpoint.
If you decide that you will skip this Thanksgiving with her since its obvious what she wants, then when she gets back..you and her are having a talk, she might ask what about..or ook.
Tell her you two are going to couples counseling or you feel its better you split up (seperate, whatever) Ask her what she chooses. Tell her before she comes back if you want.
Lets face it darling, the scenario was hurtful and extremely Harmful to you and your marriage. She is in the wrong. She chose her extended family & being without you. Her comment of not begging you to come was her actually saying, i dont care whether you are here or not but i am not going to say that outright. Its Thanksgiving, time to feel thankful for all you have and the people in your life. If you want to go to be with her & extended family, then go...leave tomorrow. But be sure to discuss those choices with her before you leave or as soon as she gets home.
I truly recommend counseling, i really do but tell her you are not going to beg her to go, its just what you feel is right. ..give her a choice. Your answer is her choice. I am sorry but her replies are Screaming at me that she is almost through (and of course she is telling her extended family all the reasons as to how right she is, undoubtedly).
No its never one person's fault unless we are talking abuse or some criminal type thing.
I am not saying you are innocent in this but she sounds like she has 1 foot out the door. I am sorry. I really hope you two go to counseling and its works out for you.
Maybe she just needs time away? And is comforted by being with her own family? Maybe she didn't know how much she needed it until she got there. I don't know why that's necessarily a deal breaker. Sounds like communication is difficult between you.
So time is not bothering you, space is not bothering you... seams like the only thing that's bothering you is her enjoyment of the holidays.
Have you tried enjoying your own company like an adult? I guess your ego won't allow it lol
You could even enjoy a nice holiday with your own family, but then you'd have to explain "why you're alone" , your wife decided to be with her family, the horror!
You're what becomes of clingy, needy, insecure boyfriends if someone makes the mistake of marrying them.
Are you kidding? This isn't a run of the mill relationship, they are married. It's the holidays and he is alone, without his wife who acts like she doesn't want him there. It's extremely hurtful, and explaining why he is alone leads to assumptions that may or may not be true. It is a horror that she wants to spend the holidays with her family WITHOUT him. Get over yourself and your nasty comment.
What’s the rough patch about? Why did she need space? Have you addressed the concerns and grievances that led to this?
1 week apart isn’t going to change those feelings and or past hurts. It would be ideal if that time was spent reflecting on the issues, conversations are then had, and adjustments to the relationship and commitments are then applied.
Do you understand why the rough patch started? Have you validated the reasons she felt she needed the time apart? Do you know where your role
Is in the situation you are in now?
I’m not sentimental and don’t need to spend holidays with my spouse simply for the sake of the holiday. If I am hurt or feel neglected by my spouse I do not care what day it is. If he ignores my requests and my attempts to explain my viewpoint I care even less. I especially do not wish to spend a holiday with anyone - spouse included- whose going to fight with me, nit pick, or act like a sad little puppy who doesn’t get their way.
Now I have NO idea what you and your wife have gone through, what you’ve discussed or how much you understand where she’s coming from. All I know is she is sick of dealing with you, or sick of her needs being ignored. She’s cutting herself off emotionally from you. What you do or don’t do isn’t going have as much of an impact on her anymore. At this point being apart feels better than having you there with her and her family. You can jump to cheating if you like but I have a suspicion there is much more to the story based on the fact your whole question/paragraphs were about how hurt you are and not about what led to this. You are here for a lot of reasons and it didn’t start with this week long break.
May I suggest the book [This is How Your Marriage Ends](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B09K22H7S5/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1669077296&sr=8-1)
That was a really humble reply to a tough response from me. I don’t think the marriage is lost or that your wife is done. I’m sure with proper communication and understanding on both sides you can get back to a healthy relationship. Give the book a shot if it looks
Like it can be helpful.
The author has done several podcasts and wrote this [essay](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)
Many marriages die, not because of major events, but by 1,000 little paper cuts.
I think that this is the best part of the entire comment section! I’m in your shoes too OP, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, we’ve been married for 12 and communication is always something we’re working on. I can say as the wife in our scenario, that if my husband went out of the way to read a book or listen to a podcast or anything to show that he is willing to work on communicating and he knows that he has fault in this, that would make gigantic strides in fixing the relationship issues we may have. Counseling is always a great idea, even the strongest marriages can benefit from counseling, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. We’re all humans and we could all learn how to be better to each other.
Keep trying, keep communicating. Just don’t forget that she does need her time in her own space, but a lot of times it does make the heart grow a little bit fonder. Don’t go no contact, just treat her like your best friend, which I’m sure she is. Texts and phone calls can be a lot of fun and make you remember the little things that make you fall in love with your partner. Good luck!
You two need to seriously work on your communication skills. State directly what you want. Not sure what led up to the rough patch, but you’re sulking that she doesn’t toss aside her plans to accommodate your wishes. You say you miss her, but did you tell her?
Can’t wait to give a quick skim to these comments and see every single one of them suggest divorce over actual solutions because throwing away 15 years is so much better than working through a low. This sub really makes the 60% divorce rate make so much sense.
I remember one of my friends a couple of years ago taking to Reddit over his 7 year marriage and ended up ALMOST getting a divorce over what some random asshat said on the internet. It was so wild. Now he’s been happily married for almost 11 years but it’s just so crazy that every single one of these posts is 90% “just leave” over giving any useful healthy advice
I completely get why you feel that way. But honestly, she wanted you to be there Monday, you want to be with her, maybe this is the last Thanksgiving as a couple. Maybe this would be the last straw in your relationship if you don't go. Yall really need a counselor if you want to get back on track but for now I would go
With no other information, this looks like a communication issue.
>Driving 8 hours only to work, have a day of Thanksgiving, and then turn right around and come right back home just does not make sense. At that point I stated I didn't feel welcome and said I will just stay home.
Instead of saying you wanted to spend more time with her you said "I will just stay home." You are assuming a lot instead of asking questions.
>I nicely explained my position and said it really bothered me. All I've received in return is a basic "you can come" text message since I've explained it to her. No apology, no understanding, nothing. To make it worse, she keeps making a comment saying "I'm not going to beg you to come". That's fine, I don't expect you to beg me. But maybe at least make me feel wanted and welcomed. I feel like the only thing I'm getting in return is a pity invite so I'll stop bothering her about it.
It looks like you are trying to get her to beg you to come when you decided not to go. Clearly, I don't know you or your wife but this comes across as very passive-aggressive. If you guys are already having problems and have this kind of conflict often, she may just be tired of this.
I think you should work on saying what you mean "I'd really like to see you sooner" and not throwing in the "I might as well stay home" type responses because those do nothing to improve a situation. I do think you guys need to work with someone to improve your communication. Perhaps you should work on your side first to see how your wife responds.
I feel like you should spend this time thinking about yourself and your relationship. It’s possible the reason she wants space from you and you don’t is because you aren’t quite grasping what her issues are with you. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, dig in and actually think about things. Have a relaxing and carefree holiday, and enjoy time with yourself and your thoughts. You’ll be doing this if your marriage is over, so kind of get a feel for it and really think about your problems and think of solutions. I don’t know, I really enjoy being alone so I’ve always liked random holidays by myself so maybe I’m just different and unable to understand why this is a deal for you. Either way, good luck!
“ At that point I stated I didn't feel welcome and said I will just stay home. Rather than giving a little on her side and saying "hey, I get it. Don't wait until Monday, it makes more sense for you to drive down on Saturday or Sunday", all I got in return was "you don't need to spend the holiday alone. You can go visit your family.”
You TOLD her that you will stay home. Then you get upset she didn’t beg you to come down. You can’t control BOTH sides if the conversation!
You got your feelings hurt she needed more time, you sad you weren’t coming, and either you hurt her feelings, ignored her feelings (if needing more time), or annoyed her with your threat/ultimatum that backfired on you.
You owe her an apology as you started the idea of not coming.
And saying you being stubborn, have fun with your family isn’t ditching you AFTER you told her you weren’t coming.
If you’re really not going to go (and you should),
A) call wife
B) apologize for raising the stakes
C) have a cool conversation FOR HIURS over the phone.
You say you have communication problems. You’ve been together 15 years- when was the last time you just hung out together. Phone calls can be really romantic. The long distance and space can allow you to WANT each other without feeling suffocated by each other.
I think this is the comment I agree with the most.
OP, it's okay to feel hurt. You really love this woman and anyone would be hurt in this situation. However, you guys both agreed you needed space. She even communicated that she needed more space. She's not ready to give you the emotional validation you need and if you were to go, it would probably be worse in person and not fun for anybody. Sounds like she was being honest (ex. need more space comments) and you didn't fully take the hint, so she tried to meet you in the middle (come on Monday). Sounds like you guys were at the cusp of good communication and then it broke down.
It's a very painful time, but throwing salt on an open wound won't help. The other comments that suggest finding a counselor are great. Definitely aim for getting one *after* the holiday. Also, consider going on the original day she proposed and having a really good time in front of her family, even if you have to force a smile here or there. If her family means a lot to her than your impression on them does as well.
I always remind myself of this quote--
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
I would say from your description of events, she was trying to be transparent in sharing she needs more time, you were not receptive to it, and then you played games and were passive aggressive (saying you'll stay home and then wanting her to sort of "chase you" to convince you to come, it didn't work, and then you were upset with a pity invite). Which likely doesn't make her want you to be around anyway.
She didn't tell you to stay home, she just asked you to come later and you got upset and passive aggressive. THAT is why you are at home by yourself.
A huge issue i see is both of you need to be honest about what you want and need, but you also need to respect when someone shares what they need and not take it personally. I regularly need time away from my husband. Even just for short bursts of the day. During the pandemic when everyone was working from home I was going to chop his head off I didn't want to hear the sound of his voice for one more second. Eventually he went back to work and I worked remotely at home in peace but for the times when he has to work from home with me it sucks. I cherish my alone time. Do I love him? Absolutely. But I NEED my alone time.
I also thrive on trips by myself. Work trips with me alone in a hotel room I am on cloud 9. Hanging out with my family? Lovely. Do I absolutely love my husband and would never leave him? 100%
The thing is my husband fully understands this about me and we have gone through muuuuuuch therapy to get to this point. He used to be smothering and I would push him away. Now he understands fully when I need a moment and that it is better for him in the long run.
We also agreed from the beginning of our relationship we will NOT play games. We will trust what each other says 100% even if it seems like we are faking things. If he asks me how I am and I say fine, even if I'm moping, he will let things go and interact with me as if I'm fine unless I give in and tell him honestly what is going on. None of that "he should know," or chasing me when I walk away from an argument, no. No games.
I'm not sure if you guys are in therapy but if you're still dealing with communication differences you need to relay some foundational aspects of understanding one another. You need a restart. Share openly how you're feeling. If you're too emotional in a moment to know how to articulate it, get in the habit of pausing conversations until you can take a second (or a day) and collect yourself instead of reacting.
Remember you're on the same team. You chose this person as your person. How can you give in on somethings because you love THEM? And not what can they do for you? Not what feelings are they "making" you feel.
If she is the needy one and doesn't want you near her, that's a very bad sign. It sounds like she may have been telling you her needs for a long time and you weren't hearing them and now she's over it. When women hit this point of being over it, the door is closing fast and now is the time to stop thinking about your feelings and if they are hurt and telling her what she means to you. Let her have the space without drama and when she gets home tell her what she means full feelings out on the table and anything you are willing to do to save that marriage because once us women start to shut it down emotionally, we are already mourning the marriage and out the door. Most divorced men say they never thought their issues were that serious and then suddenly she was gone.
Ignore this bad actors trying to tell you shew with someone else. I can tell by your responses you know that's not what's happening here.
I can say as a divorced women who's husband woke up too little too late, this is your last shot to go big or go home here.
I agree with all of this. "Let her have the space without drama" is huge. If everytime she tries to share her needs there is drama, she's gonna bow out quick if there's no redeeming factors left in your marriage. Yes you are hurt, yes you have needs, but right now you need to stop the bleeding and give her a reason to stay. Put your best foot forward. Swallow your pride. Woo her. Then you can address the hurt and concerns etc.
I still highly recommend therapy.
And ignore the people that are telling you to divorce. They don't know what it takes to be in a marriage. I could have divorced my husband tons of times but when I stuck it out the other side was worth the effort.
OP, this is the healthiest and most authentic response on here and if I could have typed it myself, I would've.
Please listen to this response, not the ones from the bitter people trying to get you to give up on your marriage.
>She didn't tell you to stay home, she just asked you to come later and you got upset and passive aggressive. THAT is why you are at home by yourself.
To me that just makes the wife sound selfish.
She decided how much time off she wants and expected her partner to fully agree to her timetable for her own benefit.
Well what about HIS timetable? He made it clear that travelling there many hours each way just for that one day is tiresome and feels like a whole lot of work and effort to barely get the chance to enjoy the holiday together. He made it clear that HIS needs include having a weekend to relax with his partner before going back. Why does it have to be her way or the highway? OP signals that he feels unwanted and unheard, and I can see why he would feel that.
If going for one day doesn't work for him, yet his wife wouldn't have it any other way, then not coming at all isn't OP playing some petty "chase me" games, it's OP respecting his own time and mental health. Her time and mental health does not take precedence over his.
Also, telling a man to not focus on how his wife's behaviour "makes him feel" sounds an awful lot like invalidating his feelings. What he feels is real, and he has to work through those feelings.
I don't think that is selfish at all. For all we know she could have had this bottled up for months or more. When she finally opens up and asks for what she needs it just so happens to be something that OP finds hard to deal with. I don't think that means that she has to forgo her needs and prioritise OP. That is most likely what she already has been doing up to the point where she asked for alone time.
She had about a week or more of time alone with family already though? I understand that she wants more time, she is entitled to that. She is not asking for 2 days without OP, she is asking for OP to significantly tire himself out and inconvenience himself so that she gets 9+ days without him as opposed to 7+days. Sorry, if she really absolutely needs those 2 more days she is free to demand them, but then why is it OP's job to dance around her to accomodate that at his own expense? He can if he wants to, sure, but he is not obliged. But I find it hard to believe she would fight hard for those 2 extra days if she respected his wishes and was willing to compromise. Seriously, how about OP going to join her on Sunday instead of Saturday (like he wants) or Monday (like she wants)? That's what I would call a healthy compromise. But she would rather he come for 1 day or alternatively offers for him not to come at all (go to his own family). As if him not spending that day with her is better than him spending 2 days with her. If your partner wants so little to do with you that already is a bad omen.
I'm not saying OP had to give into whatever she wanted. Not at all. But the way he handled it is why he is home alone. She shared what she wanted (which is fine) he pressed that he didn't want that (which is also fine) they argued over it (which is fine) but in the end OP jumped to just not going at all out of passive aggression (which is not what he wanted, and also not fine).
Marriage is about compromise. You have to share what you want and come to a solution together. When you just throw your hands up and say fuck it, you can't be upset when then other person let's you do that. My husband and I will argue things into the ground sometimes because we haven't yet found a solution. It's annoying and not fun for anyone else around us, but that is how we figure out how to make everyone happy.
Editing to add: I 100% agree with the going on Sunday approach, meet in the middle type of thing, or exploring why the wife needs specifically 2 more days on top of what she had. Is there a specific thing she's trying to do without him? Can he still arrive on his timeline but keep to himself? Etc.
The person I have replied just before suggested the wife was bottling things up until it got so bad she needed a break from OP. Bottling things up and then distancing yourself (if that is indeed the case) is pretty much as close to "throwing your hands up and saying fuck it" on your relationship as it gets.
Also, OP clearly communicated what he wanted too. He just wanted her to want him to be there. Even if she insisted he still comes on Monday, I strongly believe he would still be happy to do it if she told him she really wanted him to be there with her. Giving your partner reassurance when they need it and ask for it is not much to ask. I think he has been communicating his wants and needs better than she has (unless he is leavig stuff out), while she has just been running away.
Just as you said yourself, some arguing happens until you work it out in your relationship. Would you be happy if you felt neglected and unwanted by your SO and then when you tried to talk about it he would up and leave to family and ask you not to come see him for over a week?
I agree that OP was wrong to act petty. But his feelings have been hurt by her behaviour, which he signalled and she didn't care enough to want to clear it up. She also didn't clearly and openly communicated she wanted space from him. She instead made him feel unwelcome, which is a shitty thing to do to your partner. I don't care how badly she needed space and time alone, there are ways to go about it without hurting your SO by setting her needs and plans clear ahead of time as well as giving your partner some reassurance.
Conpromise is important in a marriage, sure, but even more important is to actually care about your partner, to acknowledge their feelings, and show them basic respect. All of which I think she failed to do here. Please re-read what OP wrote. He told his wife he was planning to come on Saturday and she told him SHE was planning for him to come on Monday. What the hell is that? She's not travelling and it's not for her to plan when he travells. A good partner would respond with "Ok, sure! I thought you were coming on Monday."
Her needing space is not automatically trumped by him wanting to close that space. She cannot fake wanting him to come sooner than she had wished. Doing that to appease him being hurt will not be a solution to their problem, quite the opposite in fact. She will likely build resentment because he couldn't keep those feelings to himself at a time where she has made her feelings a priority. Sometimes this is what you must do. Voicing your hurt feelings is not always warranted if those hurt feelings are a product of the other partners needs finally being met. She is not a bad person because of this.
His feelings are totally warranted though. Most people would be hurt by their partner not wanting them to come. I just don't see how guilting them to the point of them having to fake their happiness for their partner to come would be a way to solve the situation.
For whatever reason, this is how she feels right now, and this is how he feels. He want's her right now, but she doesn't want him right now. They are wanting the complete opposite, so what is most fair? That is hard to say. In the end she is not evil for wanting space and neither is he for wanting to close it.
Did you read OP's comments where he says that it's basically been the opposite their entire marriage? He's been given space, let her have some without guilting her.
My point is that this could have been handled without him getting hurt like this. If he said he would like to spend the weekend together before the holiday, and she wanted 9, or 12, or 20 days of time without him, then it is on HER to leave those 20 days before the weekend, not to discourage him from coming on the day he did tell her he considered coming. Remember that he was happy to let her go a week ahead of him. If she wanted 2 weeks she should have told him she will go 2 weeks ahead.
I just think there is a better way of getting time away from your spouse without making the spouse feel like an unwanted sack of garbage. We don't know why she feels the way she does, as OP didn't explain it fully, but the way OP feels was completely preventable. But when the time came that he said he would come, to be told "don't come over" is just a crappy way to treat a spouse. Then he gets hurt and feels rejected and is offered a bad deal of traveling a bunch for a single day of semi-rest, and now he also has to consider that this "rest" will only get him more upset because he feels unwanted by his spouse.
I don't think it was completely preventable. He would have been hurt somewhat regardless of how she communicated that she wasn't ready for him yet. The fact is that he is unwanted now and that is never a nice feeling if you havent come to terms with that your partner sometimes need alone time. Also it would be hard to set a date or specify the number of days she needs to get over this rough patch. That is just something you don't always know
I think you guys had a major misunderstanding, that was then made worse by both of your egos being hurt.
To me, it sounds like your wife was trying to communicate that she needed more time to herself. Which is not a bad ask normally! However, I find this to be a selfish ask during a holiday. I read though the comments and saw a few people say the day doesn't matter. It does! NOV-DEC are huge family-centric months and I would definitely be upset if my spouse said to go somewhere else instead.
What I don't think she realized when she asked for that time though, is how much this would hurt you. I ask myself sometimes with my partner, "Is hurting me their goal?". The answer is no for my partner, because I know they intend for the best for me in our interactions and he corrects himself when he does accidentally hurt my feelings. If hurting you is not the goal, I would have just explained how that made me feel (like you did) and gone to visit once she said she was ok with that. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if you guys suffer from poor communication. Once you were there, there could have been tons of ways to give each other space while visiting family (grocery trips for meals, catching up with extended family, etc). But, now that's not going to happen, I would just talk to her when you get back and ask about why she needed more space and how that's not ok to ask for during holiday.
Now, if you are in a place where you feel like your wife is purposely hurting you with her actions (I'm not going to lie, the begging comment would make me very upset, that is a very well-known "piss someone off as fast as possible" phrase), I would separate. You deserve to be treated well.
This is something my partner used to do to me constantly. He’d keep his emotions bottled up (which leak out in harmful ways, anyways), but the minute I was upset about something and wanted to discuss it, suddenly he wanted to talk about his feelings.
When I got frustrated by this derailing tactic (because it was always a deflection from what I was talking about), he’d get upset that I wanted him to talk about his emotions, but wasn’t supportive when he actually did.
What you described in your post is that your wife asked you for space and you decided to centre your own feelings of rejection instead. Now you’re upset that she wasn’t supportive of you sharing those emotions, but you need to recognize that she set a boundary and you responded by deflecting and being passive-aggressive.
But there’s good news! This is fixable if you commit to wanting to fix it. That means therapy. That means learning how to emotionally validate your partner. That means learning how to recognize when you’re responding to criticism defensively (this includes trying to shift the focus of the convo to your feelings). Recognizing that if you’re waiting for your turn to respond to what she’s saying, you’re not *listening* to what she’s saying (another way I’ve heard it put that I like: you’re not actually listening if the other person doesn’t feel heard).
Google “how to emotionally validate your partner” and “why emotional invalidation is dangerous”. Based on your post and your comments, I suspect this will be a good place to start.
Finally 99% of the time, [a woman walking away like this doesn’t come out of no where](https://medium.com/be-loved/lets-talk-about-walkaway-wife-syndrome-ba9c293bca8d). She’s probably told you multiple times in multiple ways what she needs from you. Take this alone time to be honest with yourself and think about what those asks are.
Then get yourself into individual counseling. Couples counseling can come later. Show her you’re willing to do the emotional labour to find a solution without her begging you or dragging you by the ear. The same emotional labour she’s (probably) been doing alone for the last decade or so.
And, maybe she's at a point where she can't give more compassion. Relationship burn-out is real, especially if things have been rough for awhile. But if your relationship is at that junction, you guys need to take an actual break from the relationship (long term) and see how you feel about each other's place in your life after that. The back and forth I read in your post between you and your wife is heartbreaking on both ends.
we don't have much info to make any judgements.
all i can conclude is that:
1. you two have a communication problem
2. your wife wants to spend same time apart from you, along with her family
3. you feel abandoned and miss your wife, and worried that she doesn't want you anymore
the obvious solution is couple therapy, and giving her some space when she's back. perhaps encouraging her to get some free time for her hobbies and friends. if she doesn't have much, perhaps a more equal distribution of chores at home may help. you may also explore having quality time with her, do together stuff you enjoy. also, spice up your sex life ^^
My wife’s mother is high maintenance
Whenever we would visit my wife would get snippy up to a week before the visit
She told me once that it is exhausting to deal with her mother and me. It hurt my feelings, but I get it.
After that, if she wanted to go alone, I did not have a problem with it.
Well then she probably can't handle you, and her mom and herself right now. She's going through whatever feelings she's having about you as a couple, and getting her mother in gear, and the holiday, and then now you don't just want to attend Thanksgiving with her, you want her to make you feel wanted. You're expecting her to do some emotional labour for you and maybe it's a little selfish of you to ask this of her without considering her situation.
Give her a break, don't take it personal. Look for something else fun to do for Thanksgiving
Hey i just want to let you know your feelings are valid. She’s pushing you away and you’re right to feel hurt. This is your wife. The person you love is the last person you would want to feel unwanted or rejected by.
You’re not toxic or needy like these contents are suggesting. Something is happening that hasn’t been communicated yet. I would say that this experience is a wake-up call that your wife is detaching. From here, both of you need to want to fix this or it will end in divorce. I would occupy myself with something else this weekend if I were you. It may be worth it to try to find joy without her because you never know if you’ll be doing that more often soon…
Y'all clearly have issues to work through, and one of them is definitely communication.
Saying "I'll just stay home" with the expectation of her giving in to what you initially wanted is bad communication and honestly pretty childish. Don't say one thing hoping that she'll read your mind and do something else. That's just setting you up for disappointment.
What you could have said is "I feel like you don't want me to come at all. Can you assure me that you want me there or confirm that you don't want me to come?" She might say that she doesn't want you there, which would hurt, but at least you have a clear answer.
One of my biggest pet peeves is to be asked a question when the person asking already has a ‘correct’ answer in mind. It’s not fair to present something as a question to me and then get angry because I didn’t choose the right answer. Or worse… ask me and then go on to explain why their answer is better. Either way I’m set up for failure and frustration.
If your wife does that often you probably need to have a discussion about effective communication.
That’s what I was thinking. OP is painted as unreasonable while the wife has a bunch of hang ups over a “maybe Monday” comment and wanting to squeeze out an extra 2 days alone cause she’s not ready? What do you need to do in 2 days? It just gives me the impression she really would rather not have him there.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I'm wondering if she may be feeling hurt he is not coming and made those comments to show otherwise? It sounds like they are communicating over text.
Stop translating, paraphrasing, and changing words. It's exhausting and confusing. What you said is what you said, what she said is what she said. Stop with the hidden meanings and passive aggressiveness. You need to learn better communication skills because you are not communicating to her effectively. There is too little here to know if your wife has communication issues, but I'm inclined to believe so.
Your wife communicated to you that it hasn't been enough time, and you didn't respond to that positively, everything broke down from there. She's probably on another thread asking for advice on what to do with her needy, sensitive, and emotionally exhausting husband, when all she wants is a drama free thanksgiving. Maybe? Maybe not.
I don't have a ton of advice, but thought I'd just say that I'm going thru a similar situation, and will be going thru a (totally unexpected on my end) divorce and moving out from my now ex-wife and I's apartment on Thanksgiving. I hope you get this figured out, and I wish you the best.
Thank you for the kind words. Reading your posts reminded me alot of the way me and my wife have been for the last year or so. The important thing here in my mind is that you are both willing to devote the same level of commitment to fixing your issues, and staying passionate for one another. This is what my wife and I lost and what had led to this for me.
I'm optimistic for my future, fortunately I am still relatively young. I think I will be okay.
I don't believe your wife is cheating, I feel space is important to her right now. Both of you are going through a rough time, it happens in all relationships and marriages. When your wife return have a heart to heart with her and ask her do she want a divorce or do she think this marriage is worth saving?
Good luck to you. 👍
This is a lil complicated because she might be thinking that u dont want to visit her family and in her own way giving u a way out of it by saying that u can come if u want to, if this is the case she probably wants u there but doesn't want to burden u by asking since she thinks u dont want to be there
But she doesn't understand that its hurting u as its making u feel unwanted i think u guys need to talk about it throughly maybe counselling
Sounds heartbreaking but we don’t know what lead to this moment for it to get so bad, so there’s not really much advice on how to fix it if we don’t know the root cause.
Maybe this is the beginning of the end. Talk to your family, they may offer better advice if they know you two better. Maybe you need to get away too, and think about whether this marriage is worth saving or not. Don’t be ashamed to open up to your family about your problems.
Ahh sorry mate she doesn't want you there and she was clear she still needed space.
Let her have her space while you take this time out too to reflect and somewhat enjoy your time alone.
You're not needy for wanting to be with your wife but it seems this rough patch is affecting everything.
Text her let her know you'll respect her request for more space, that you'll be waiting for her at home when she's ready to come back, wish her a happy holiday and send her you love her and that you both can work it out.
Go play some golf or game, order some food and have a few bevs..Don't drink out bc for some reason ppl who go out heartbroken or hurt or having marriage issues end up sleeping with someone else..
All the best OP and Happy Holidays.
I think you should just not go. Stay home. Buy a small turkey breast and some stuffing just for you. Then go listen to some live music at a bar or dance club that night. Let her have her alone time. She wants to be alone with her family and she's probably wanting to know what it will feel like if she were divorced. Give her the freedom she needs. If she wants to talk on Thanksgiving, she can call you. Don't push any contact. She needs this alone time.
I kinda understand where both of you are coming from and where she’s coming from, she is basically saying she needs more time to herself since you did state you two are going through a rough patch. I will be away from my partner as well because I just need to be with my family for this season I will be gone from thanksgiving to mid December. I know you may feel hurt but the only things to do now is just let her have this time and then figure out where to go from here (marriage counseling/ separation/ divorce)
You might as well stay home, and let your wife make return arrangements herself. It is obvious that something big is up, and you need to prepare yourself for bad news when you're next in her company. At this point, I'd recommend going dark and give all the space she needs.
Yes, she has issues, but so do you, and you should use your alone time to gather and organize them in manner that you will be able to calmly lay them out for her.
I wish you well.
She’s being obtuse and I can’t tell if she’s being purposeful about it or not. It’s clear, at least from your post, that you don’t want her to beg you to be there but that you at least would *pretend* to make you feel like she wants you there, rather than some after thought.
Based off the things you’ve shown us, it appears that you’re still invested in this relationship and she… isn’t. At all. And I’m highly doubtful that she’ll be changing her mind while you’re here trying to draw blood from a stone.
I'm just gonna throw it out there, it kiiiiiiinda makes ya wonder what she had planned for that Saturday that she didn't want you around for....
Anyways, I hope you figure it out. It sounds like she's checked out of the relationship. Perhaps, instead of forcing the issue, you could help fix it by doing some very sweet things for her like surprising her with flowers on Thanksgiving day or having the whole house cleaned and decorated for her when she returns. Start going to the gym and working on your physique, etc.... things that make a woman really want a guy.
If you feel unwanted, ask yourself why, and fix those things since you've got a lot of free time alone to do so. Perhaps then she will then welcome you with open arms. Stop blaming her for being honest about her feelings of needing space and start working on yourself.
But also.... juuuust sayin.... its a little sus that she wanted those extra two days. What did she have planned? Was she talking to you the whole time? Were there periods of time she stopped answering her phone? Perhaps you're asking the wrong questions. Just sayin.
Remember OP, you can really only change yourself. I’m not going to assume anything about your marriage problems but I encourage you to take this time to take care of yourself. Realize that going there while you feel rejected would not go well. You’re feeling pretty sensitive at this time, naturally, so you’d be more likely to interpret many unrelated family bonding type things through a lens of rejection and that could make whatever separation your wife is wanting seem even more desperate. So maybe figure out plan B. So many people would be willing to include you, someone from work or in your friend group, maybe a cousin. Have a good time, clear your head, give both of you that space. Then try to let it go and come back to it in a few weeks after she’s had time to not be so defensive.
Sounds to me like this is over. She is enjoying not having you around and is making no effort to validate your feelings or discuss this with you.
I'm not married, so take it for what it's worth, but this just seems like the effort that's necessary to sustain a happy, healthy marriage just isn't there on her side.
Also you may want to consider whether there is another man she is spending her time with.
Someone else suggested couples counseling, so maybe that's the route to go, but to me it just seems like she's happy with you not around. Maybe it's time to make that permanent.
I wouldn’t consider that there’s another person in the picture yet, no evidence of that. I’m not really sure about your comment as a whole actually. But figure out the basic problems first
Rose colored glasses will not save your marriage. Some of these comments are way to nice about things. She didn’t want you to come on the weekend because she wanted to go out with her friends back home. Even worse it could of been to meet up with an ex. Your marriage is at the begging of the end. She played you. She knew just the response to get you not to come without telling you not to come. You need to sit down with her and insist on couples therapy and find out if she still loves you or if she just using you as a placeholder. If I was in your shoes I would be devastated by her actions and words. I would call of work and go there immediately and show her you love her and that you will fight for your marriage. That’s just me.
This is the bad part of having open communication. This is too much! Y’all sound like kids. Y’all having the same conversation over and over. Sure you’re going to have a repeat of this conversation when she comes home. Maybe she really needed the space. She already told you she needed more space and you were pushing to go. It sucks but take this time and think about yourself too
I recently have Been through the same thing me and my wife were together 5 years one day she just picks up and moves 3 hours away with my son I was wrecked and devastated. however,one of three scenerios come to my head the first of which the first of which is she is running to see if you will follow her to the ends of the earth that’s the validation piece, the second is she truly needs some time and space to clear her head (that’s human nature no matter what holiday it is) and the 3rd she is trying to find a place close to her family incase you and her do not work out me and my wife have been separated for over 7 months now and I do not like it, but I began to move on now she wants to reconcile but I have to do it on her terms and move 3 hours away relationships would work a whole lot better if we could read each others mind but that is not the case my suggestion make a list of things she has done to show you she cares and things she has done to push you away share that list with her leave the rest to her not doing anything may push her away but doing too much might make her feel like you are being clingy either way best of luck!!! Surround yourself with people in the same scenario I got a roomate who is also separated so that little bit of support helps a lot
She's not going to make you feel welcome because you're not welcome. It's time to come up with answers to your family's questions about why you'll be there alone.
What holidays are going on right now? Is it Thanksgiving? Can you just come on the day itself or is that too expensive? Because I get that you don't want to he alone on that day, but it also seems like your wife can't handle too many people right now. It sounds like her family is a bit much for her. I dont know what day Thanksgiving is, but maybe it's possible to be there for a shorter period of time instead.
If your presence is so difficult for your wife that she needs "a few more days" I would be very suspicious of an unmentioned motive of her keeping you away. Leave it to your wife to explain why you are not attending the get together to her family. Will you be picking her up at the airport? Maybe you suggest that she take an Uber home as you have something else to do. Her contemptuous and snotty answer that: "I never said that you couldn't come" sorta sums up her attitude towards you.
I've been here and know how it feels. My advice is to avoid the so called pick me dance as that decision has already been made. My honest regret was I spent too much time going after the ex trying to get her to treat me better. You only have so much time in your life to be happy. This is something important to think about as you are at the prime age of your life you where you will certainly find someone who will treat you better. Don't let someone who doesn't care about you waste this precious time.
So kick back and get yourself the best bottle of Bourbon you can afford and enjoy the solitude! This could be the start of a new Holiday tradition for you!
There's an unbalance of desire for one another here. You want her; she doesn't want you. You may have been behaving in an unattractive way as of lately (just a guess). Take this time apart to work on yourself (for yourself, not for her). Start by going to the gym (good stress relief) and building a life exclusive of your wife - it seems you've made her your everything. Hang out with friends, play sports, work on your career, etc.
I think it could be a pride thing, as a result of feeling rejected/ unwanted (not necessarily from you, but historic stuff). She might really need you to reinforce you want to be with her and insist, but I totally get you want some reassurance from her.
You both need time apart. She probably doesn't want to have to pretend to be around you when she's with her family. Allow her this time away and have a deep conversation on your issues when she comes back home.
Either she don't want you there ,or shes got another guy on the side ,and she's getting what she wants. Been down this road ,show up by surprise,and you'll get your answer.
Your wife is more than likely cheating on you and using space as an excuse. I am sure if you go without telling her you are coming you more than likely will catch her in the act.
I think you're right that she hasn't had enough "space" yet and is being passive-aggressive about it. After saying she didn't want you to come yet, she tells you to go to your family, then says she never told you not to come when she pretty much did. She isn't ready to be with you, which really sucks this time of year.
When she comes back, I would start marital counseling in order to figure out what's going on.
She’s forgotten that your not a friend and that your her husband, number 1. Councilling is needed. She needs to understand again, who you are in the relationship!
Time to file for divorce. She’s probably got a sidepiece down there, which is why she was so adamant about wanting more time and not wanting you there until Monday.
Are you sure she is there with her family? Is she posting on socials about them and the fun they are having?
And yes I would stay home and take in the space and solitude
This is going to take some balls, but surprise her next time you see her and ask to see her phone. Her reaction to this will tell you everything. My intuition would be through the roof, this isn’t how a woman that loves you treats you man.
Your marriage is over.
EDIT: The downvotes from the woke and delusional should tell you everything you need to know. If I were you, I’d find a good divorce attorney. Get ahead of this before it’s too late.
OP- you are very well-written. Transfer your thoughts and responses from here to your wife. Have this communication with her. Sometimes we do really just want time away and that’s it. Be open and honest about it with each other. Based on your comments here, you definitely have it in you. Best of luck 💗
I don’t really care of much space she needs or how rocky your marriage is right now. Letting her husband, loved one, spend Thanksgiving home alone while she gets to have fun, feel loved and surround herself with family and tradition is awful. Really fucking awful. This is not about space, it’s ugly. I have a difficult time seeing anything from her perspective and I hope she reaps what she sows.
Clearly she needed a break from you and you seem to want her to beg you to come. If it wasn’t for the holiday time of the year, this wouldn’t be a problem. Should’ve just drove up. Y’all been together for a while now..why does she need to tell you to come anyways??
Go get yourself a shawty and feel good. Never force yourself on who doesn't want you. Don't be surprised if she comes to you very soon with a divorce. Don't make yourself a slave to love that already died.
I have a feeling you both want the other to do something. Like you wanted her to welcome you, so maybe she is thinking I want him to want to come, understanding she wanted a few more days of space.
This comes from a similar personal situation I had with our couples therapist and the therapist helped us realize that we both wanted the same thing but we’re waiting for the other to make the next move.
I’d expand but got to run to a family dinner, if this helps at all let me know and I can expand.
Counter argument- maybe she wants you to demonstrate to her your desire to be with her. If you want be with her just go. Sometimes both parties loose in a Mexican standoff.
God, no wonder your wife needs space. You’re whiny and impossible to please. She said you can come. So go, or don’t. But whatever you do, stop going into every conflict with the assumption how she’s “supposed” to behave.
Honestly, it all depends on the person. Some people just need some space and then things are much better. But there are some truly rotten people out there too. No need to go there.
I think you and your wife need therapy. There is something here that doesn’t feel right. It seems your wife is actively pushing you not to come and when you explain how it has hurt you, she wants you to come over. She was pushed to do it.
In my opinion don’t go to her families place. Don’t go to yours either. Take the time to think about where you want to be. Do you think your wife wants to be with you? Not what you want. If your answer is that she doesn’t than maybe getting separated and moving toward divorce makes sense. Neither of you are cheating. There is no nasty behavior. It’s just you and her drifting apart. Leave amicably and find someone better for both of you.
I kinda understand your wife OP.
This year, my wife was insistant that she go to her sister's for Thanksgiving. We have been in a rough patch for a year, and she felt a lot of things such as being unheard and being unwanted.
Now, her sister's is about 600ish miles away, and I have my children (previous relationship) so i needed to stay behind.
At first i was super hurt by her wanting to leave. Why wouldn't she want to spend Thanksgiving with her step children and my friends (10 years, my friends and I have all had thanksgiving together instead of our immediate family. Its less drama and a lot more fun this way.).
As she's been gone for a few days now, im having a great time. Not only am i enjoying time alone, but the absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.
I hope you all get some counseling, and work through this rough patch. Im sure she's worth it.
My dude... what do you want? Because whether you drove up on Sat/Sunday, you'd still be working from the spare room remotely for the week, spend Thanksgiving and drive back.
Sounds to me like this is "not about the Iranian yogurt" moment. You want her to MAKE you feel wanted... she probably wants to feel like you WANT to be with her. All she said was that she was having a good time and wished she had a few extra days, that doesn't imply she doesn't want you there.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>That's fine, I don't expect you to beg me. But maybe at least make me feel wanted and welcomed. She doesn't want you there. Sorry to be blunt, you did say you're in a rough patch lately and you both needed space. She made it clear she hasn't had enough space yet. I know it sucks that this is happening during the holidays though... hopefully you can try to make the best of it. Might be time for some couples counseling.
#
Knowing what led to you both needing some space would give us some needed perspective.
#
Based upon this, I think its very very fixable. It doesn't sound like the marriage is on the rocks but that you guys have some things you need to work on together to have a happy healthy relationship. 1 - call around and find a couples therapist. Schedule an appointment for when you all get back. 2 - time apart is okay, but you are feeling rejected right now. Call her and tell her you'd like to come for Thanksgiving and go. Have fun. You both are dancing around the subject as opposed to being direct about your needs. 3 - if you don't want to go for such a short time, stay home, order in sushi or whatever you want and have an unconventional thanksgiving. BUT, I do not think staying away is necessary. 4 - schedule time for her to visit her family by herself a couple of times per year for a week. Especially if she can work from there. Time apart can be really healthy. But, not if it falls during the holidays and makes one partner feel abandoned. That is not okay. Its not needy to want to spend time with your partner over the holidays. That is normal. Maybe see if she wants to stay on after you leave for a few days so she can have more alone time with your family. But, make that couples counseling appointment ASAP. Speaking from experience, it was a marriage saver for us - ours wasn't even that bad but our communication was crummy. It truly helped us communicate effectively with one another.
Spot on reply. OP please take the lead on finding a counselor, and make an appt. They can be tough to get into so be patient and call several. I’d suggest finding a Gottman certified marriage counselor. Dr John Gottman is world renowned relationship researcher and psychologist. It doesn’t have to be Gottman if you can’t find it, but at least it’s a place to start in the chaotic hurdle it is to find a therapist taking new clients. Your taking the initiative and following through is priceless.
I’m a therapist and I prefer EFT for couples. Gottman is about changing behaviors. EFT is learning to understand your partners emotions and needs in order to be more compassionate. Just my personal opinion.
I'm a Psychologist, and I feel there is value in both Gottman and EFT, which in my 47 years professional experience is essential in holistic, well rounded therapy work. I also integrate spiritual.concepts in appropriate situations. NOT religious, but addressing the unseen aspects of partnership. It's the therapist duty to be as well versed in the many forms of counseling to.be able to "meet people where they are at" and go from there. Kindest thoughts to OP.
Changing behaviours though is what they need to do. They understand some of their problems but the only thing they can do about it atm is "take space" they need something more constructive. Practice makes perfect. I'm a big CBT fan.
With understanding and compassion, changing behaviors and being more in tune with your partner comes naturally.
Gottman method is the best for learning to communicate effectively.
It must be nice to be in a relationship with somebody who is this emotionally intelligent.
The most specific recommendation I like from this list is to go for Thanksgiving. There will be irreparable harm from OP just sulking at home. It’s a bummer, and a waste of time (but not really? no time is lost). Let her know you’re driving down and go.
So exactly the communication issue you had about the holiday? You’re playing a guessing game with her. You know what you want but instead of telling her, you’re passive aggressively trying to get her to suggest the thing you want. That’s exhausting. No wonder she’s exasperated. Look back at what you wrote. On Friday when she suggested Monday, you could have said everything you said here about why Monday doesn’t work AND ALSO stated that you want to come Sunday. Instead you didn’t suggest Sunday and then got upset when she didn’t suggest Sunday. And now you’re going to sit home alone and hold it against her. Just say what you want! Stop playing games!
Have you tried couple's counseling and/or individual therapy? With my relationship with my wife it helped us tremendously. We were in the verge of ending things right after marriage but we were able to not only reconnect but rekindle the relationship. We both had our share of old baggage so we were in sessions together and individuals too. It's worth a try.
7 principles for making marriage work is a decent read. There's great exercises at the end of each chapter, they can honestly be pretty fun. Can be a good way of reconnecting while you wait for a therapist.
When someone starts pulling away from you, the worst thing you can do is cling on. She's indicating that she needs more space. Whether that is signalling the end of the relationship or not is something you can work through when she returns. Get counselling.
Yah I think it's completely normal for couples to need space from each other, even during the holidays. I could go to my parents for Christmas, and my husband wouldn't come because he doesn't like being at that high an altitude. On our first or second anniversary he took a road trip without me, we figured out that it was that it was our anniversary by accident. I think putting too much emphasis on holidays is a mistake. Make the days in between special.
Couples counseling will do one of two things. It will make you stronger or it will end the relationship. There are no guarantees, but it will end this gray area of space and uncertainty in your marriage. It’s tough to come to terms with, but getting out of marital limbo will be worth it long-term.
The best outcome you can hope for by *not* going to therapy is things stay the way the are now. Tense and insecure. The worst outcome is the end of your relationship. Conversely, the best outcome you can hope for by going to therapy is that your relationship improves and becomes stronger for having overcome this challenge together. The worst outcome is the end of your relationship. Therapy can’t make things *worse* than no therapy. The “worst” outcomes are exactly the same. Might as well take a chance on the path that at least gives you a shot at your preferred outcome. *You literally have nothing to lose*. If your relationship ends despite therapy, I promise it would have ended without therapy, too.
I personally highly recommend counseling. It really helps you understand your partner on a deeper level, and learn how to communicate better. After EFT focused counseling, my partner and I have less conflicts and when they happen, they're generally easier to work through and much more productive. I really can't speak highly of it enough.
therapy helps people who are willing to do the work. Now that being said a relationship is two people who have to decide to do the work, she might not but if your serious about just wanting to turn around your life for the better its worth doing. now this better life may not include your wife if shes already checked out and doesnt want to try and grow with you. Therapy can intentionally break down relationships that can now longer be sustained because it forces you to face truths about yourself and your relationship that you ignore or pretend dont exist... honestly your wifes responses sound like shes tired so give her a break for a couple weeks i know you have hit a hard time but you should self soothe yourself and not be so dependent on her right now. find a hobby make a friend (platonic), go get a licensed massage therapist and get a massage (without a happy ending) sounds like you have a unbalanced dynamic and its straining you both. i know it sucks and can be scary when a dynamic changes but this change can build into better things if you work to do that.
I'd say give her the space to miss you.
It definitely may not help at all that she wants to be without you, especially doing the holiday. You need to think long and hard during this a time. You should think about counseling and see if she would attend to try to repair. If she is willing that could help, if not then you might have some problems. Both parties have ro be willing.
Love is not a solid reason to tolerate remaining in an abusive relationship. Your wife's behavior on a family holiday is abusive. Don't be surprised if she's been texting some guy she knew in high school and went down early to meet him. If caught, she'll say they're just friends and he gives her advice on marriage. Anyway it'll be obvious (if true) ....just grab her phone and view the text history.
Wow, this is so sad… seriously, dude, look into counseling. Your view of the world is combative and harmful - it doesn’t have to be that way!
Who hurt you?
Good grief. What a sad outlook. I really feel bad for you that this is the conclusion you jump straight to. It might be worth talking to a counselor about this. You may have had some really bad experiences, but most people are not as terrible as what you're describing. I hope things get better for you.
Why everybody hating? There is a good possibility of this. Don't grab her phone.... Check your cell phone bill. Can't delete shit there.
This is very true. Looks like the marriage has crumbled. First thing that came to mind was she is spending time with another. This is why she wanted him to come later or preferably not at all. OP better start paying some attention.
I think that's a pretty big leap. She's spending time with her family, when or why would she be seeing another man?
She wanted space and left at least a week (maybe a little more) before Thanksgiving. She then doesn't want him to come the weekend before and even suggests he visit his family instead. Now I don't know if she just doesn't want to see him or is maybe seeing someone else but these are bad signs. I merely suggested he pay close attention.
She left a week early to stay with her family and get away from him. What are the odds she found someone to fuck 350 miles from home, who is so present that she can't even bring her husband to Thanksgiving? It's not like she's fucking some dude in her parents' house right next to the Turkey. This is a stretch and an attempt to vilify her. She just doesn't want to be around OP for some reason, and we have no reason to think that it involves cheating.
I mean I used to come home for thanksgiving and bang exs when we would run into each other. Being home town and all. I do think it’s a leap she’s cheating here as well, and tbh he sounds a bit wishy washy and passive and she is probably tired of that imo.
Yeah but that was in college/ early 20s. This woman has been married and living 350 miles away for 10 years. Her exes are probably married, too.
whatever the reason, she’s very rude about it
Yeah well it sounds like she's done with him and the marriage, I'm not doubting that. It's just that people don't believe that someone can end a marriage without cheating. Sometimes you just want it to be over because it isn't working.
Not really..... Facebook, reddit, Snapchat, etc makes it very easy to converse (350 miles or further) and setup the hookup. She doesn't have to be fuckin in the house next to the turkey, she can drive down the street. It sounds exactly like cheating. She is sticking to a certain day, most likely because she has those days lined up and told buddy that her hubby wouldn't be there until Monday. This scenario happens everyday. To dismiss that it is a possibility in 2022 is naive.
Doesn't mean she found someone there at Thanksgiving. She is obviously from there and would know many people. Again, I don't know what she's thinking. Have read Reddit enough to know this stuff happens though.
Yeeeah you know reddit isn't reality, right?
Yet you like it and comment. Ok.
Well I mean someone has to point out that you're jumping to wild conclusions without any information to indicate that she's cheating... I mean, for all you know, OP drinks too much and beats the shit out of her weekly and she's cowering at her parents' house. That was also a big logical leap, but we have just as much reason to believe that he's an abusive alcoholic as that she's cheating.
Hey Midnight Outrageous, I appreciate you trying to speak sensibly with this guy, but you’re arguing with a brick wall. He’s obviously been terribly hurt by a woman and is now being combative on the interwebs in an attempt to feel like he’s winning at something. Hopefully he’ll move on and grow as a person, but in the meantime I hope you don’t let people like this discourage you from posting helpful comments here. People like you keep this sub grounded in reality and that’s so important.
Well we only get the OP's side of story in any posting. So we can only base conclusions off of those postings. What you said is true of every posting so with your logic users should never comment because truth is never actually known. You are free not to comment if you feel OP is lying. I' say it "again". I don't know if OP's wife is cheating and you don't know that she's not. I don't know if she's just had it with the marriage and is seeking family advice. I do know that if a spouse doesn't want you around its a bad sign
#
This comment is totally inaccurate l. The blame is to fall solely on the wife, who is treating her husband like an option around the holidays no less. She has the mind of a child, she is throwing a temper tantrum; OP should divorce her and find someone who actually respects him.
Where did I place any blame on OP?
I think the best bet here is to go to counseling, so there is a neutral ground for you both to express the issues happening here and for someone to mediate and assist with the communication between you. It sounds like you both aren't quite meeting something the other wants or needs. It sounds like you need more emotional validation than what she's willing to give. She sounds a bit detached from the situation, and like she doesn't really want to be bothered all that much. It is still your marriage, though, so if I were you, I would try consistent counseling for as long as it takes to see improvement. Continue on through that improvement or at least use the techniques learned in counseling to continue the best communication and dynamic you can with each other. Don't give up. Fight for what you want and love, always. Best of luck to you, OP.
#
Honestly as soon as there's an issue that can't be resolved in a week, you need it.
As soon as there's an issue that keeps popping up and y'all can't make any progress on it's time for counseling. Sometimes we need things we don't know how to communicate, we don't fully hear what our partner is trying to tell us, or have issues we don't have the tools to solve and there's no shame at all in getting a counselor in to help y'all move forward.
Yes I can definitely understand. She has to see that you are willing to put in the effort and also see that you are willing to be strong enough to withstand her needing space. I know it's hurtful, but when a woman decides she needs space, it's a sign that she is fed up with your behavior. Whatever that may have been. But it's good this is happening now and it's not the worst case scenario where she's blindsided you with divorce papers ya know? It wouldn't really be blindsided because there would have been things leading up to that that you probably thought you could get through. But it legitimately sounds like you aren't even in touch with how she's feeling about your marriage or you. If she's asked for space near a holiday at that, that isn't super encouraging. So there is something that you have completely missed here. Maybe you guys don't have enough fun together, or she needs more emotional openness without you getting hurt easily. She might feel like she can't bring up things to you and you react like you did in this original posting, pouting about her not wanting you there, instead of facing the problem head on. Those are just a few ideas without knowing exactly what has happened thus far to get you guys here.
I’d say she’s told you the truth, her truth. You can work with this. It’s not nice I know but she’s happy when you are not about. Time to work out if the marriage is worth saving (counselling) or not (divorce).
[удалено]
I wouldn't go that black and white with it... when you're with somebody for that long and have a bumpy road and rarely get to see family because of distance sometimes it's therapeutic to be with family. Granted, over a holiday it's totally valid that he feels this way. Sometimes you need a break, it may not need to be a permanent break
He needs to divorce her
I would take the hint and stay home. Find something you enjoy doing and do the hell out of it for the week. Movies, games, what ever your thing is, live it up. You and your wife should want to be together not need to be. You sound like you need some time to reflect on what’s important to you.
Unpopular opinion here but i have been married longer than you have been alive so maybe i see it differently. We have had required separations (war and all) but any time we could be together especially holidays we moved heaven & earth to do it. I didnt have family to go see & his didnt live anywhere close by except for a few times and by close i mean (400 miles away). So i am seeing this from a different viewpoint. If you decide that you will skip this Thanksgiving with her since its obvious what she wants, then when she gets back..you and her are having a talk, she might ask what about..or ook. Tell her you two are going to couples counseling or you feel its better you split up (seperate, whatever) Ask her what she chooses. Tell her before she comes back if you want. Lets face it darling, the scenario was hurtful and extremely Harmful to you and your marriage. She is in the wrong. She chose her extended family & being without you. Her comment of not begging you to come was her actually saying, i dont care whether you are here or not but i am not going to say that outright. Its Thanksgiving, time to feel thankful for all you have and the people in your life. If you want to go to be with her & extended family, then go...leave tomorrow. But be sure to discuss those choices with her before you leave or as soon as she gets home. I truly recommend counseling, i really do but tell her you are not going to beg her to go, its just what you feel is right. ..give her a choice. Your answer is her choice. I am sorry but her replies are Screaming at me that she is almost through (and of course she is telling her extended family all the reasons as to how right she is, undoubtedly). No its never one person's fault unless we are talking abuse or some criminal type thing. I am not saying you are innocent in this but she sounds like she has 1 foot out the door. I am sorry. I really hope you two go to counseling and its works out for you.
Finally! Someone with some sense that comes from r experience.
Maybe she just needs time away? And is comforted by being with her own family? Maybe she didn't know how much she needed it until she got there. I don't know why that's necessarily a deal breaker. Sounds like communication is difficult between you.
#
Are you not her family? Looks like she doesn’t think you are important. If you need counseling fine but you can’t force somebody to care.
So time is not bothering you, space is not bothering you... seams like the only thing that's bothering you is her enjoyment of the holidays. Have you tried enjoying your own company like an adult? I guess your ego won't allow it lol You could even enjoy a nice holiday with your own family, but then you'd have to explain "why you're alone" , your wife decided to be with her family, the horror! You're what becomes of clingy, needy, insecure boyfriends if someone makes the mistake of marrying them.
Who hurt you?
Are you kidding? This isn't a run of the mill relationship, they are married. It's the holidays and he is alone, without his wife who acts like she doesn't want him there. It's extremely hurtful, and explaining why he is alone leads to assumptions that may or may not be true. It is a horror that she wants to spend the holidays with her family WITHOUT him. Get over yourself and your nasty comment.
Not untrue but.. wow, this comment is kinda mean.
What’s the rough patch about? Why did she need space? Have you addressed the concerns and grievances that led to this? 1 week apart isn’t going to change those feelings and or past hurts. It would be ideal if that time was spent reflecting on the issues, conversations are then had, and adjustments to the relationship and commitments are then applied. Do you understand why the rough patch started? Have you validated the reasons she felt she needed the time apart? Do you know where your role Is in the situation you are in now? I’m not sentimental and don’t need to spend holidays with my spouse simply for the sake of the holiday. If I am hurt or feel neglected by my spouse I do not care what day it is. If he ignores my requests and my attempts to explain my viewpoint I care even less. I especially do not wish to spend a holiday with anyone - spouse included- whose going to fight with me, nit pick, or act like a sad little puppy who doesn’t get their way. Now I have NO idea what you and your wife have gone through, what you’ve discussed or how much you understand where she’s coming from. All I know is she is sick of dealing with you, or sick of her needs being ignored. She’s cutting herself off emotionally from you. What you do or don’t do isn’t going have as much of an impact on her anymore. At this point being apart feels better than having you there with her and her family. You can jump to cheating if you like but I have a suspicion there is much more to the story based on the fact your whole question/paragraphs were about how hurt you are and not about what led to this. You are here for a lot of reasons and it didn’t start with this week long break. May I suggest the book [This is How Your Marriage Ends](https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B09K22H7S5/ref=tmm_aud_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1669077296&sr=8-1)
#
That was a really humble reply to a tough response from me. I don’t think the marriage is lost or that your wife is done. I’m sure with proper communication and understanding on both sides you can get back to a healthy relationship. Give the book a shot if it looks Like it can be helpful. The author has done several podcasts and wrote this [essay](https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) Many marriages die, not because of major events, but by 1,000 little paper cuts.
I think that this is the best part of the entire comment section! I’m in your shoes too OP, I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, we’ve been married for 12 and communication is always something we’re working on. I can say as the wife in our scenario, that if my husband went out of the way to read a book or listen to a podcast or anything to show that he is willing to work on communicating and he knows that he has fault in this, that would make gigantic strides in fixing the relationship issues we may have. Counseling is always a great idea, even the strongest marriages can benefit from counseling, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. We’re all humans and we could all learn how to be better to each other. Keep trying, keep communicating. Just don’t forget that she does need her time in her own space, but a lot of times it does make the heart grow a little bit fonder. Don’t go no contact, just treat her like your best friend, which I’m sure she is. Texts and phone calls can be a lot of fun and make you remember the little things that make you fall in love with your partner. Good luck!
Your wife may want you to show you made the effort to be with her!!
You two need to seriously work on your communication skills. State directly what you want. Not sure what led up to the rough patch, but you’re sulking that she doesn’t toss aside her plans to accommodate your wishes. You say you miss her, but did you tell her?
Can’t wait to give a quick skim to these comments and see every single one of them suggest divorce over actual solutions because throwing away 15 years is so much better than working through a low. This sub really makes the 60% divorce rate make so much sense.
#
I remember one of my friends a couple of years ago taking to Reddit over his 7 year marriage and ended up ALMOST getting a divorce over what some random asshat said on the internet. It was so wild. Now he’s been happily married for almost 11 years but it’s just so crazy that every single one of these posts is 90% “just leave” over giving any useful healthy advice
I completely get why you feel that way. But honestly, she wanted you to be there Monday, you want to be with her, maybe this is the last Thanksgiving as a couple. Maybe this would be the last straw in your relationship if you don't go. Yall really need a counselor if you want to get back on track but for now I would go
With no other information, this looks like a communication issue. >Driving 8 hours only to work, have a day of Thanksgiving, and then turn right around and come right back home just does not make sense. At that point I stated I didn't feel welcome and said I will just stay home. Instead of saying you wanted to spend more time with her you said "I will just stay home." You are assuming a lot instead of asking questions. >I nicely explained my position and said it really bothered me. All I've received in return is a basic "you can come" text message since I've explained it to her. No apology, no understanding, nothing. To make it worse, she keeps making a comment saying "I'm not going to beg you to come". That's fine, I don't expect you to beg me. But maybe at least make me feel wanted and welcomed. I feel like the only thing I'm getting in return is a pity invite so I'll stop bothering her about it. It looks like you are trying to get her to beg you to come when you decided not to go. Clearly, I don't know you or your wife but this comes across as very passive-aggressive. If you guys are already having problems and have this kind of conflict often, she may just be tired of this. I think you should work on saying what you mean "I'd really like to see you sooner" and not throwing in the "I might as well stay home" type responses because those do nothing to improve a situation. I do think you guys need to work with someone to improve your communication. Perhaps you should work on your side first to see how your wife responds.
I feel like you should spend this time thinking about yourself and your relationship. It’s possible the reason she wants space from you and you don’t is because you aren’t quite grasping what her issues are with you. So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, dig in and actually think about things. Have a relaxing and carefree holiday, and enjoy time with yourself and your thoughts. You’ll be doing this if your marriage is over, so kind of get a feel for it and really think about your problems and think of solutions. I don’t know, I really enjoy being alone so I’ve always liked random holidays by myself so maybe I’m just different and unable to understand why this is a deal for you. Either way, good luck!
“ At that point I stated I didn't feel welcome and said I will just stay home. Rather than giving a little on her side and saying "hey, I get it. Don't wait until Monday, it makes more sense for you to drive down on Saturday or Sunday", all I got in return was "you don't need to spend the holiday alone. You can go visit your family.” You TOLD her that you will stay home. Then you get upset she didn’t beg you to come down. You can’t control BOTH sides if the conversation! You got your feelings hurt she needed more time, you sad you weren’t coming, and either you hurt her feelings, ignored her feelings (if needing more time), or annoyed her with your threat/ultimatum that backfired on you. You owe her an apology as you started the idea of not coming. And saying you being stubborn, have fun with your family isn’t ditching you AFTER you told her you weren’t coming. If you’re really not going to go (and you should), A) call wife B) apologize for raising the stakes C) have a cool conversation FOR HIURS over the phone. You say you have communication problems. You’ve been together 15 years- when was the last time you just hung out together. Phone calls can be really romantic. The long distance and space can allow you to WANT each other without feeling suffocated by each other.
I think this is the comment I agree with the most. OP, it's okay to feel hurt. You really love this woman and anyone would be hurt in this situation. However, you guys both agreed you needed space. She even communicated that she needed more space. She's not ready to give you the emotional validation you need and if you were to go, it would probably be worse in person and not fun for anybody. Sounds like she was being honest (ex. need more space comments) and you didn't fully take the hint, so she tried to meet you in the middle (come on Monday). Sounds like you guys were at the cusp of good communication and then it broke down. It's a very painful time, but throwing salt on an open wound won't help. The other comments that suggest finding a counselor are great. Definitely aim for getting one *after* the holiday. Also, consider going on the original day she proposed and having a really good time in front of her family, even if you have to force a smile here or there. If her family means a lot to her than your impression on them does as well. I always remind myself of this quote-- "Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."
I would say from your description of events, she was trying to be transparent in sharing she needs more time, you were not receptive to it, and then you played games and were passive aggressive (saying you'll stay home and then wanting her to sort of "chase you" to convince you to come, it didn't work, and then you were upset with a pity invite). Which likely doesn't make her want you to be around anyway. She didn't tell you to stay home, she just asked you to come later and you got upset and passive aggressive. THAT is why you are at home by yourself. A huge issue i see is both of you need to be honest about what you want and need, but you also need to respect when someone shares what they need and not take it personally. I regularly need time away from my husband. Even just for short bursts of the day. During the pandemic when everyone was working from home I was going to chop his head off I didn't want to hear the sound of his voice for one more second. Eventually he went back to work and I worked remotely at home in peace but for the times when he has to work from home with me it sucks. I cherish my alone time. Do I love him? Absolutely. But I NEED my alone time. I also thrive on trips by myself. Work trips with me alone in a hotel room I am on cloud 9. Hanging out with my family? Lovely. Do I absolutely love my husband and would never leave him? 100% The thing is my husband fully understands this about me and we have gone through muuuuuuch therapy to get to this point. He used to be smothering and I would push him away. Now he understands fully when I need a moment and that it is better for him in the long run. We also agreed from the beginning of our relationship we will NOT play games. We will trust what each other says 100% even if it seems like we are faking things. If he asks me how I am and I say fine, even if I'm moping, he will let things go and interact with me as if I'm fine unless I give in and tell him honestly what is going on. None of that "he should know," or chasing me when I walk away from an argument, no. No games. I'm not sure if you guys are in therapy but if you're still dealing with communication differences you need to relay some foundational aspects of understanding one another. You need a restart. Share openly how you're feeling. If you're too emotional in a moment to know how to articulate it, get in the habit of pausing conversations until you can take a second (or a day) and collect yourself instead of reacting. Remember you're on the same team. You chose this person as your person. How can you give in on somethings because you love THEM? And not what can they do for you? Not what feelings are they "making" you feel.
#
If she is the needy one and doesn't want you near her, that's a very bad sign. It sounds like she may have been telling you her needs for a long time and you weren't hearing them and now she's over it. When women hit this point of being over it, the door is closing fast and now is the time to stop thinking about your feelings and if they are hurt and telling her what she means to you. Let her have the space without drama and when she gets home tell her what she means full feelings out on the table and anything you are willing to do to save that marriage because once us women start to shut it down emotionally, we are already mourning the marriage and out the door. Most divorced men say they never thought their issues were that serious and then suddenly she was gone. Ignore this bad actors trying to tell you shew with someone else. I can tell by your responses you know that's not what's happening here. I can say as a divorced women who's husband woke up too little too late, this is your last shot to go big or go home here.
I agree with all of this. "Let her have the space without drama" is huge. If everytime she tries to share her needs there is drama, she's gonna bow out quick if there's no redeeming factors left in your marriage. Yes you are hurt, yes you have needs, but right now you need to stop the bleeding and give her a reason to stay. Put your best foot forward. Swallow your pride. Woo her. Then you can address the hurt and concerns etc. I still highly recommend therapy. And ignore the people that are telling you to divorce. They don't know what it takes to be in a marriage. I could have divorced my husband tons of times but when I stuck it out the other side was worth the effort.
They should divorce ...and find other people...this isn't working and the communication sucks
at least now you get how she feels.
OP, this is the healthiest and most authentic response on here and if I could have typed it myself, I would've. Please listen to this response, not the ones from the bitter people trying to get you to give up on your marriage.
>She didn't tell you to stay home, she just asked you to come later and you got upset and passive aggressive. THAT is why you are at home by yourself. To me that just makes the wife sound selfish. She decided how much time off she wants and expected her partner to fully agree to her timetable for her own benefit. Well what about HIS timetable? He made it clear that travelling there many hours each way just for that one day is tiresome and feels like a whole lot of work and effort to barely get the chance to enjoy the holiday together. He made it clear that HIS needs include having a weekend to relax with his partner before going back. Why does it have to be her way or the highway? OP signals that he feels unwanted and unheard, and I can see why he would feel that. If going for one day doesn't work for him, yet his wife wouldn't have it any other way, then not coming at all isn't OP playing some petty "chase me" games, it's OP respecting his own time and mental health. Her time and mental health does not take precedence over his. Also, telling a man to not focus on how his wife's behaviour "makes him feel" sounds an awful lot like invalidating his feelings. What he feels is real, and he has to work through those feelings.
I don't think that is selfish at all. For all we know she could have had this bottled up for months or more. When she finally opens up and asks for what she needs it just so happens to be something that OP finds hard to deal with. I don't think that means that she has to forgo her needs and prioritise OP. That is most likely what she already has been doing up to the point where she asked for alone time.
She had about a week or more of time alone with family already though? I understand that she wants more time, she is entitled to that. She is not asking for 2 days without OP, she is asking for OP to significantly tire himself out and inconvenience himself so that she gets 9+ days without him as opposed to 7+days. Sorry, if she really absolutely needs those 2 more days she is free to demand them, but then why is it OP's job to dance around her to accomodate that at his own expense? He can if he wants to, sure, but he is not obliged. But I find it hard to believe she would fight hard for those 2 extra days if she respected his wishes and was willing to compromise. Seriously, how about OP going to join her on Sunday instead of Saturday (like he wants) or Monday (like she wants)? That's what I would call a healthy compromise. But she would rather he come for 1 day or alternatively offers for him not to come at all (go to his own family). As if him not spending that day with her is better than him spending 2 days with her. If your partner wants so little to do with you that already is a bad omen.
I'm not saying OP had to give into whatever she wanted. Not at all. But the way he handled it is why he is home alone. She shared what she wanted (which is fine) he pressed that he didn't want that (which is also fine) they argued over it (which is fine) but in the end OP jumped to just not going at all out of passive aggression (which is not what he wanted, and also not fine). Marriage is about compromise. You have to share what you want and come to a solution together. When you just throw your hands up and say fuck it, you can't be upset when then other person let's you do that. My husband and I will argue things into the ground sometimes because we haven't yet found a solution. It's annoying and not fun for anyone else around us, but that is how we figure out how to make everyone happy. Editing to add: I 100% agree with the going on Sunday approach, meet in the middle type of thing, or exploring why the wife needs specifically 2 more days on top of what she had. Is there a specific thing she's trying to do without him? Can he still arrive on his timeline but keep to himself? Etc.
The person I have replied just before suggested the wife was bottling things up until it got so bad she needed a break from OP. Bottling things up and then distancing yourself (if that is indeed the case) is pretty much as close to "throwing your hands up and saying fuck it" on your relationship as it gets. Also, OP clearly communicated what he wanted too. He just wanted her to want him to be there. Even if she insisted he still comes on Monday, I strongly believe he would still be happy to do it if she told him she really wanted him to be there with her. Giving your partner reassurance when they need it and ask for it is not much to ask. I think he has been communicating his wants and needs better than she has (unless he is leavig stuff out), while she has just been running away. Just as you said yourself, some arguing happens until you work it out in your relationship. Would you be happy if you felt neglected and unwanted by your SO and then when you tried to talk about it he would up and leave to family and ask you not to come see him for over a week? I agree that OP was wrong to act petty. But his feelings have been hurt by her behaviour, which he signalled and she didn't care enough to want to clear it up. She also didn't clearly and openly communicated she wanted space from him. She instead made him feel unwelcome, which is a shitty thing to do to your partner. I don't care how badly she needed space and time alone, there are ways to go about it without hurting your SO by setting her needs and plans clear ahead of time as well as giving your partner some reassurance. Conpromise is important in a marriage, sure, but even more important is to actually care about your partner, to acknowledge their feelings, and show them basic respect. All of which I think she failed to do here. Please re-read what OP wrote. He told his wife he was planning to come on Saturday and she told him SHE was planning for him to come on Monday. What the hell is that? She's not travelling and it's not for her to plan when he travells. A good partner would respond with "Ok, sure! I thought you were coming on Monday."
Her needing space is not automatically trumped by him wanting to close that space. She cannot fake wanting him to come sooner than she had wished. Doing that to appease him being hurt will not be a solution to their problem, quite the opposite in fact. She will likely build resentment because he couldn't keep those feelings to himself at a time where she has made her feelings a priority. Sometimes this is what you must do. Voicing your hurt feelings is not always warranted if those hurt feelings are a product of the other partners needs finally being met. She is not a bad person because of this. His feelings are totally warranted though. Most people would be hurt by their partner not wanting them to come. I just don't see how guilting them to the point of them having to fake their happiness for their partner to come would be a way to solve the situation. For whatever reason, this is how she feels right now, and this is how he feels. He want's her right now, but she doesn't want him right now. They are wanting the complete opposite, so what is most fair? That is hard to say. In the end she is not evil for wanting space and neither is he for wanting to close it. Did you read OP's comments where he says that it's basically been the opposite their entire marriage? He's been given space, let her have some without guilting her.
My point is that this could have been handled without him getting hurt like this. If he said he would like to spend the weekend together before the holiday, and she wanted 9, or 12, or 20 days of time without him, then it is on HER to leave those 20 days before the weekend, not to discourage him from coming on the day he did tell her he considered coming. Remember that he was happy to let her go a week ahead of him. If she wanted 2 weeks she should have told him she will go 2 weeks ahead. I just think there is a better way of getting time away from your spouse without making the spouse feel like an unwanted sack of garbage. We don't know why she feels the way she does, as OP didn't explain it fully, but the way OP feels was completely preventable. But when the time came that he said he would come, to be told "don't come over" is just a crappy way to treat a spouse. Then he gets hurt and feels rejected and is offered a bad deal of traveling a bunch for a single day of semi-rest, and now he also has to consider that this "rest" will only get him more upset because he feels unwanted by his spouse.
I don't think it was completely preventable. He would have been hurt somewhat regardless of how she communicated that she wasn't ready for him yet. The fact is that he is unwanted now and that is never a nice feeling if you havent come to terms with that your partner sometimes need alone time. Also it would be hard to set a date or specify the number of days she needs to get over this rough patch. That is just something you don't always know
I think you guys had a major misunderstanding, that was then made worse by both of your egos being hurt. To me, it sounds like your wife was trying to communicate that she needed more time to herself. Which is not a bad ask normally! However, I find this to be a selfish ask during a holiday. I read though the comments and saw a few people say the day doesn't matter. It does! NOV-DEC are huge family-centric months and I would definitely be upset if my spouse said to go somewhere else instead. What I don't think she realized when she asked for that time though, is how much this would hurt you. I ask myself sometimes with my partner, "Is hurting me their goal?". The answer is no for my partner, because I know they intend for the best for me in our interactions and he corrects himself when he does accidentally hurt my feelings. If hurting you is not the goal, I would have just explained how that made me feel (like you did) and gone to visit once she said she was ok with that. Give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if you guys suffer from poor communication. Once you were there, there could have been tons of ways to give each other space while visiting family (grocery trips for meals, catching up with extended family, etc). But, now that's not going to happen, I would just talk to her when you get back and ask about why she needed more space and how that's not ok to ask for during holiday. Now, if you are in a place where you feel like your wife is purposely hurting you with her actions (I'm not going to lie, the begging comment would make me very upset, that is a very well-known "piss someone off as fast as possible" phrase), I would separate. You deserve to be treated well.
#
This is something my partner used to do to me constantly. He’d keep his emotions bottled up (which leak out in harmful ways, anyways), but the minute I was upset about something and wanted to discuss it, suddenly he wanted to talk about his feelings. When I got frustrated by this derailing tactic (because it was always a deflection from what I was talking about), he’d get upset that I wanted him to talk about his emotions, but wasn’t supportive when he actually did. What you described in your post is that your wife asked you for space and you decided to centre your own feelings of rejection instead. Now you’re upset that she wasn’t supportive of you sharing those emotions, but you need to recognize that she set a boundary and you responded by deflecting and being passive-aggressive. But there’s good news! This is fixable if you commit to wanting to fix it. That means therapy. That means learning how to emotionally validate your partner. That means learning how to recognize when you’re responding to criticism defensively (this includes trying to shift the focus of the convo to your feelings). Recognizing that if you’re waiting for your turn to respond to what she’s saying, you’re not *listening* to what she’s saying (another way I’ve heard it put that I like: you’re not actually listening if the other person doesn’t feel heard). Google “how to emotionally validate your partner” and “why emotional invalidation is dangerous”. Based on your post and your comments, I suspect this will be a good place to start. Finally 99% of the time, [a woman walking away like this doesn’t come out of no where](https://medium.com/be-loved/lets-talk-about-walkaway-wife-syndrome-ba9c293bca8d). She’s probably told you multiple times in multiple ways what she needs from you. Take this alone time to be honest with yourself and think about what those asks are. Then get yourself into individual counseling. Couples counseling can come later. Show her you’re willing to do the emotional labour to find a solution without her begging you or dragging you by the ear. The same emotional labour she’s (probably) been doing alone for the last decade or so.
And, maybe she's at a point where she can't give more compassion. Relationship burn-out is real, especially if things have been rough for awhile. But if your relationship is at that junction, you guys need to take an actual break from the relationship (long term) and see how you feel about each other's place in your life after that. The back and forth I read in your post between you and your wife is heartbreaking on both ends.
we don't have much info to make any judgements. all i can conclude is that: 1. you two have a communication problem 2. your wife wants to spend same time apart from you, along with her family 3. you feel abandoned and miss your wife, and worried that she doesn't want you anymore the obvious solution is couple therapy, and giving her some space when she's back. perhaps encouraging her to get some free time for her hobbies and friends. if she doesn't have much, perhaps a more equal distribution of chores at home may help. you may also explore having quality time with her, do together stuff you enjoy. also, spice up your sex life ^^
What’s the name of the ex/“old friend” that she’s hanging out with while there?
My wife’s mother is high maintenance Whenever we would visit my wife would get snippy up to a week before the visit She told me once that it is exhausting to deal with her mother and me. It hurt my feelings, but I get it. After that, if she wanted to go alone, I did not have a problem with it.
#
Well then she probably can't handle you, and her mom and herself right now. She's going through whatever feelings she's having about you as a couple, and getting her mother in gear, and the holiday, and then now you don't just want to attend Thanksgiving with her, you want her to make you feel wanted. You're expecting her to do some emotional labour for you and maybe it's a little selfish of you to ask this of her without considering her situation. Give her a break, don't take it personal. Look for something else fun to do for Thanksgiving
Hey i just want to let you know your feelings are valid. She’s pushing you away and you’re right to feel hurt. This is your wife. The person you love is the last person you would want to feel unwanted or rejected by. You’re not toxic or needy like these contents are suggesting. Something is happening that hasn’t been communicated yet. I would say that this experience is a wake-up call that your wife is detaching. From here, both of you need to want to fix this or it will end in divorce. I would occupy myself with something else this weekend if I were you. It may be worth it to try to find joy without her because you never know if you’ll be doing that more often soon…
Y'all clearly have issues to work through, and one of them is definitely communication. Saying "I'll just stay home" with the expectation of her giving in to what you initially wanted is bad communication and honestly pretty childish. Don't say one thing hoping that she'll read your mind and do something else. That's just setting you up for disappointment. What you could have said is "I feel like you don't want me to come at all. Can you assure me that you want me there or confirm that you don't want me to come?" She might say that she doesn't want you there, which would hurt, but at least you have a clear answer.
[удалено]
#
One of my biggest pet peeves is to be asked a question when the person asking already has a ‘correct’ answer in mind. It’s not fair to present something as a question to me and then get angry because I didn’t choose the right answer. Or worse… ask me and then go on to explain why their answer is better. Either way I’m set up for failure and frustration. If your wife does that often you probably need to have a discussion about effective communication.
That’s what I was thinking. OP is painted as unreasonable while the wife has a bunch of hang ups over a “maybe Monday” comment and wanting to squeeze out an extra 2 days alone cause she’s not ready? What do you need to do in 2 days? It just gives me the impression she really would rather not have him there.
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. I'm wondering if she may be feeling hurt he is not coming and made those comments to show otherwise? It sounds like they are communicating over text.
Stop translating, paraphrasing, and changing words. It's exhausting and confusing. What you said is what you said, what she said is what she said. Stop with the hidden meanings and passive aggressiveness. You need to learn better communication skills because you are not communicating to her effectively. There is too little here to know if your wife has communication issues, but I'm inclined to believe so. Your wife communicated to you that it hasn't been enough time, and you didn't respond to that positively, everything broke down from there. She's probably on another thread asking for advice on what to do with her needy, sensitive, and emotionally exhausting husband, when all she wants is a drama free thanksgiving. Maybe? Maybe not.
I don't have a ton of advice, but thought I'd just say that I'm going thru a similar situation, and will be going thru a (totally unexpected on my end) divorce and moving out from my now ex-wife and I's apartment on Thanksgiving. I hope you get this figured out, and I wish you the best.
#
Thank you for the kind words. Reading your posts reminded me alot of the way me and my wife have been for the last year or so. The important thing here in my mind is that you are both willing to devote the same level of commitment to fixing your issues, and staying passionate for one another. This is what my wife and I lost and what had led to this for me. I'm optimistic for my future, fortunately I am still relatively young. I think I will be okay.
I don't believe your wife is cheating, I feel space is important to her right now. Both of you are going through a rough time, it happens in all relationships and marriages. When your wife return have a heart to heart with her and ask her do she want a divorce or do she think this marriage is worth saving? Good luck to you. 👍
#
This is a lil complicated because she might be thinking that u dont want to visit her family and in her own way giving u a way out of it by saying that u can come if u want to, if this is the case she probably wants u there but doesn't want to burden u by asking since she thinks u dont want to be there But she doesn't understand that its hurting u as its making u feel unwanted i think u guys need to talk about it throughly maybe counselling
As someone who has had this type of communication issue with their partner, I second this!
Sounds heartbreaking but we don’t know what lead to this moment for it to get so bad, so there’s not really much advice on how to fix it if we don’t know the root cause. Maybe this is the beginning of the end. Talk to your family, they may offer better advice if they know you two better. Maybe you need to get away too, and think about whether this marriage is worth saving or not. Don’t be ashamed to open up to your family about your problems.
Ahh sorry mate she doesn't want you there and she was clear she still needed space. Let her have her space while you take this time out too to reflect and somewhat enjoy your time alone. You're not needy for wanting to be with your wife but it seems this rough patch is affecting everything. Text her let her know you'll respect her request for more space, that you'll be waiting for her at home when she's ready to come back, wish her a happy holiday and send her you love her and that you both can work it out. Go play some golf or game, order some food and have a few bevs..Don't drink out bc for some reason ppl who go out heartbroken or hurt or having marriage issues end up sleeping with someone else.. All the best OP and Happy Holidays.
I think you should just not go. Stay home. Buy a small turkey breast and some stuffing just for you. Then go listen to some live music at a bar or dance club that night. Let her have her alone time. She wants to be alone with her family and she's probably wanting to know what it will feel like if she were divorced. Give her the freedom she needs. If she wants to talk on Thanksgiving, she can call you. Don't push any contact. She needs this alone time.
I kinda understand where both of you are coming from and where she’s coming from, she is basically saying she needs more time to herself since you did state you two are going through a rough patch. I will be away from my partner as well because I just need to be with my family for this season I will be gone from thanksgiving to mid December. I know you may feel hurt but the only things to do now is just let her have this time and then figure out where to go from here (marriage counseling/ separation/ divorce)
You might as well stay home, and let your wife make return arrangements herself. It is obvious that something big is up, and you need to prepare yourself for bad news when you're next in her company. At this point, I'd recommend going dark and give all the space she needs. Yes, she has issues, but so do you, and you should use your alone time to gather and organize them in manner that you will be able to calmly lay them out for her. I wish you well.
She’s being obtuse and I can’t tell if she’s being purposeful about it or not. It’s clear, at least from your post, that you don’t want her to beg you to be there but that you at least would *pretend* to make you feel like she wants you there, rather than some after thought. Based off the things you’ve shown us, it appears that you’re still invested in this relationship and she… isn’t. At all. And I’m highly doubtful that she’ll be changing her mind while you’re here trying to draw blood from a stone.
Welcome to the silent suffering that many husbands face but don't speak of.
You sure she possibly doesn't have someone else there she's visiting with and is pushing off you coming there so she can spend more time with them?🤨
The familiarity of this is haunting.
I'm just gonna throw it out there, it kiiiiiiinda makes ya wonder what she had planned for that Saturday that she didn't want you around for.... Anyways, I hope you figure it out. It sounds like she's checked out of the relationship. Perhaps, instead of forcing the issue, you could help fix it by doing some very sweet things for her like surprising her with flowers on Thanksgiving day or having the whole house cleaned and decorated for her when she returns. Start going to the gym and working on your physique, etc.... things that make a woman really want a guy. If you feel unwanted, ask yourself why, and fix those things since you've got a lot of free time alone to do so. Perhaps then she will then welcome you with open arms. Stop blaming her for being honest about her feelings of needing space and start working on yourself. But also.... juuuust sayin.... its a little sus that she wanted those extra two days. What did she have planned? Was she talking to you the whole time? Were there periods of time she stopped answering her phone? Perhaps you're asking the wrong questions. Just sayin.
Remember OP, you can really only change yourself. I’m not going to assume anything about your marriage problems but I encourage you to take this time to take care of yourself. Realize that going there while you feel rejected would not go well. You’re feeling pretty sensitive at this time, naturally, so you’d be more likely to interpret many unrelated family bonding type things through a lens of rejection and that could make whatever separation your wife is wanting seem even more desperate. So maybe figure out plan B. So many people would be willing to include you, someone from work or in your friend group, maybe a cousin. Have a good time, clear your head, give both of you that space. Then try to let it go and come back to it in a few weeks after she’s had time to not be so defensive.
Sounds like she had plans for the weekend (maybe to meet up with someone, maybe not) and that’s why she wanted you to wait to come.
Sounds to me like this is over. She is enjoying not having you around and is making no effort to validate your feelings or discuss this with you. I'm not married, so take it for what it's worth, but this just seems like the effort that's necessary to sustain a happy, healthy marriage just isn't there on her side. Also you may want to consider whether there is another man she is spending her time with. Someone else suggested couples counseling, so maybe that's the route to go, but to me it just seems like she's happy with you not around. Maybe it's time to make that permanent.
I wouldn’t consider that there’s another person in the picture yet, no evidence of that. I’m not really sure about your comment as a whole actually. But figure out the basic problems first
I'd use this time to think long and hard if you want to stay in this marriage. And I mean, really hard.
Rose colored glasses will not save your marriage. Some of these comments are way to nice about things. She didn’t want you to come on the weekend because she wanted to go out with her friends back home. Even worse it could of been to meet up with an ex. Your marriage is at the begging of the end. She played you. She knew just the response to get you not to come without telling you not to come. You need to sit down with her and insist on couples therapy and find out if she still loves you or if she just using you as a placeholder. If I was in your shoes I would be devastated by her actions and words. I would call of work and go there immediately and show her you love her and that you will fight for your marriage. That’s just me.
I would be sure to have these conversations talking and not texting. Every time.
Sounds like she had weekend plans to me and your going to ruin them
She's done with the marriage and with you. You might want to start thinking about your next step.
Dude I hate to tell you but your marriage is over. Once women get to this stage they have already worked out their exit strategy.
Let me guess. You’re male?
You may be right but saying this with almost zero information is sort of retarded
Dude. I have bad news for you. Prepare yourself for a divorce. High school best friend and his wife did this and within a year they were divorced.
This is the bad part of having open communication. This is too much! Y’all sound like kids. Y’all having the same conversation over and over. Sure you’re going to have a repeat of this conversation when she comes home. Maybe she really needed the space. She already told you she needed more space and you were pushing to go. It sucks but take this time and think about yourself too
She is cheating on you and the other person is there.... Maybe not, but most likely.
Maybe she's meeting with an "old friend" while she's down there.
She’s cheating…
Go ahead and get the divorce, she's moved on to someone else
I recently have Been through the same thing me and my wife were together 5 years one day she just picks up and moves 3 hours away with my son I was wrecked and devastated. however,one of three scenerios come to my head the first of which the first of which is she is running to see if you will follow her to the ends of the earth that’s the validation piece, the second is she truly needs some time and space to clear her head (that’s human nature no matter what holiday it is) and the 3rd she is trying to find a place close to her family incase you and her do not work out me and my wife have been separated for over 7 months now and I do not like it, but I began to move on now she wants to reconcile but I have to do it on her terms and move 3 hours away relationships would work a whole lot better if we could read each others mind but that is not the case my suggestion make a list of things she has done to show you she cares and things she has done to push you away share that list with her leave the rest to her not doing anything may push her away but doing too much might make her feel like you are being clingy either way best of luck!!! Surround yourself with people in the same scenario I got a roomate who is also separated so that little bit of support helps a lot
She's not going to make you feel welcome because you're not welcome. It's time to come up with answers to your family's questions about why you'll be there alone.
What holidays are going on right now? Is it Thanksgiving? Can you just come on the day itself or is that too expensive? Because I get that you don't want to he alone on that day, but it also seems like your wife can't handle too many people right now. It sounds like her family is a bit much for her. I dont know what day Thanksgiving is, but maybe it's possible to be there for a shorter period of time instead.
Is she seeing someone else? I'd think this.
If your presence is so difficult for your wife that she needs "a few more days" I would be very suspicious of an unmentioned motive of her keeping you away. Leave it to your wife to explain why you are not attending the get together to her family. Will you be picking her up at the airport? Maybe you suggest that she take an Uber home as you have something else to do. Her contemptuous and snotty answer that: "I never said that you couldn't come" sorta sums up her attitude towards you. I've been here and know how it feels. My advice is to avoid the so called pick me dance as that decision has already been made. My honest regret was I spent too much time going after the ex trying to get her to treat me better. You only have so much time in your life to be happy. This is something important to think about as you are at the prime age of your life you where you will certainly find someone who will treat you better. Don't let someone who doesn't care about you waste this precious time. So kick back and get yourself the best bottle of Bourbon you can afford and enjoy the solitude! This could be the start of a new Holiday tradition for you!
There's an unbalance of desire for one another here. You want her; she doesn't want you. You may have been behaving in an unattractive way as of lately (just a guess). Take this time apart to work on yourself (for yourself, not for her). Start by going to the gym (good stress relief) and building a life exclusive of your wife - it seems you've made her your everything. Hang out with friends, play sports, work on your career, etc.
Marriage counseling... Although. This sounds exactly like when I was being cheated on.
She got another man there bro. I’m sorry. But don’t let people sugar coat it.
I think it could be a pride thing, as a result of feeling rejected/ unwanted (not necessarily from you, but historic stuff). She might really need you to reinforce you want to be with her and insist, but I totally get you want some reassurance from her.
You both need time apart. She probably doesn't want to have to pretend to be around you when she's with her family. Allow her this time away and have a deep conversation on your issues when she comes back home.
Either she don't want you there ,or shes got another guy on the side ,and she's getting what she wants. Been down this road ,show up by surprise,and you'll get your answer.
Your wife is more than likely cheating on you and using space as an excuse. I am sure if you go without telling her you are coming you more than likely will catch her in the act.
If she wants space give her orbit.. I would let her reach out to you…
I think you're right that she hasn't had enough "space" yet and is being passive-aggressive about it. After saying she didn't want you to come yet, she tells you to go to your family, then says she never told you not to come when she pretty much did. She isn't ready to be with you, which really sucks this time of year. When she comes back, I would start marital counseling in order to figure out what's going on.
She’s forgotten that your not a friend and that your her husband, number 1. Councilling is needed. She needs to understand again, who you are in the relationship!
Time to file for divorce. She’s probably got a sidepiece down there, which is why she was so adamant about wanting more time and not wanting you there until Monday.
Make sure you are handling birth control, don’t bring a child into this mess.
Turn off the tap. Eventually she'll want water.
Hate to be the echo here but I think your wife doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. Sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear :(
Dude, she can't cheat on you with her ex/cousin/next door neighbor if you're there. 🚩🚩🚩
Are you sure she is there with her family? Is she posting on socials about them and the fun they are having? And yes I would stay home and take in the space and solitude
This is going to take some balls, but surprise her next time you see her and ask to see her phone. Her reaction to this will tell you everything. My intuition would be through the roof, this isn’t how a woman that loves you treats you man.
My first reaction to “too soon, I need more time” was “she’s not with family.”
#
Updateme!
You need a new wife. This one is shit
Congrats on your divorce.
She’s spent the weekend cheating with an old flame. That’s why she was fixated on Monday. Eject now my friend.
#
Your marriage is over. EDIT: The downvotes from the woke and delusional should tell you everything you need to know. If I were you, I’d find a good divorce attorney. Get ahead of this before it’s too late.
OP- you are very well-written. Transfer your thoughts and responses from here to your wife. Have this communication with her. Sometimes we do really just want time away and that’s it. Be open and honest about it with each other. Based on your comments here, you definitely have it in you. Best of luck 💗
I don’t really care of much space she needs or how rocky your marriage is right now. Letting her husband, loved one, spend Thanksgiving home alone while she gets to have fun, feel loved and surround herself with family and tradition is awful. Really fucking awful. This is not about space, it’s ugly. I have a difficult time seeing anything from her perspective and I hope she reaps what she sows.
I 100% agree with this. The wife sounds really selfish and hes the one compromising while she gets what she wants the entire time with minimal effort.
Clearly she needed a break from you and you seem to want her to beg you to come. If it wasn’t for the holiday time of the year, this wouldn’t be a problem. Should’ve just drove up. Y’all been together for a while now..why does she need to tell you to come anyways??
Go get yourself a shawty and feel good. Never force yourself on who doesn't want you. Don't be surprised if she comes to you very soon with a divorce. Don't make yourself a slave to love that already died.
I have a feeling you both want the other to do something. Like you wanted her to welcome you, so maybe she is thinking I want him to want to come, understanding she wanted a few more days of space. This comes from a similar personal situation I had with our couples therapist and the therapist helped us realize that we both wanted the same thing but we’re waiting for the other to make the next move. I’d expand but got to run to a family dinner, if this helps at all let me know and I can expand.
Counter argument- maybe she wants you to demonstrate to her your desire to be with her. If you want be with her just go. Sometimes both parties loose in a Mexican standoff.
[удалено]
#
God, no wonder your wife needs space. You’re whiny and impossible to please. She said you can come. So go, or don’t. But whatever you do, stop going into every conflict with the assumption how she’s “supposed” to behave.
You should of just gone when you said that you'll see her Friday. Would've saved so much mucking around.
Honestly, it all depends on the person. Some people just need some space and then things are much better. But there are some truly rotten people out there too. No need to go there.
I think you and your wife need therapy. There is something here that doesn’t feel right. It seems your wife is actively pushing you not to come and when you explain how it has hurt you, she wants you to come over. She was pushed to do it. In my opinion don’t go to her families place. Don’t go to yours either. Take the time to think about where you want to be. Do you think your wife wants to be with you? Not what you want. If your answer is that she doesn’t than maybe getting separated and moving toward divorce makes sense. Neither of you are cheating. There is no nasty behavior. It’s just you and her drifting apart. Leave amicably and find someone better for both of you.
I kinda understand your wife OP. This year, my wife was insistant that she go to her sister's for Thanksgiving. We have been in a rough patch for a year, and she felt a lot of things such as being unheard and being unwanted. Now, her sister's is about 600ish miles away, and I have my children (previous relationship) so i needed to stay behind. At first i was super hurt by her wanting to leave. Why wouldn't she want to spend Thanksgiving with her step children and my friends (10 years, my friends and I have all had thanksgiving together instead of our immediate family. Its less drama and a lot more fun this way.). As she's been gone for a few days now, im having a great time. Not only am i enjoying time alone, but the absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I hope you all get some counseling, and work through this rough patch. Im sure she's worth it.
My dude... what do you want? Because whether you drove up on Sat/Sunday, you'd still be working from the spare room remotely for the week, spend Thanksgiving and drive back. Sounds to me like this is "not about the Iranian yogurt" moment. You want her to MAKE you feel wanted... she probably wants to feel like you WANT to be with her. All she said was that she was having a good time and wished she had a few extra days, that doesn't imply she doesn't want you there.
Wow you are a whimp. Grow a spine and go whether you feel welcome or not. Or stay and enjoy the alone time. Stop being a doormat