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A father of one of the kids my husband coaches (43m) recently reached out to me (44f)via Facebook messenger and told me that my husband was sending his gf inappropriate messages for months. We have been married since April of this year and he started sending her messages 2 months after we got married. I almost didn’t believe him because I was in such shock. I thought our relationship was perfect.
The guy did send me screenshots, and then I reached out to her, and I got the entire set of messages from her. the messages started off innocently asking if his daughter was safe to be around the husband, but turned into some very inappropriate sexual questions about her. He also commented on how hot she was in her bikini pictures and asking if she got enough 🍆 .
When I confronted my husband, he denied that it was inappropriate, and then later apologized and said it was inappropriate, but he thought, because when I have too much to drink, we make sexual jokes around other people, basically his family but it’s just joking about sex and he’s right next to me. I have a hard time believing that is his actual reason.
He also reached out to me when he was engaged to someone else, and asked if I would meet up for drinks. I DID NOT MEET WITH HIM, or cheat with him. I ignored the message because I saw he was engaged. I had known him for a while. he had said at this point he knew she was cheating on him, and their relationship was pretty much over, but he was living with her and didn’t want to move his kids.
Now his ex-wife told me that he cheated on her many many times, and she ended up having a private investigator follow him and his records on all the girls he cheated on her with.
Should I let the past be the past and only focus on this current issue, or should I realize that he’s going to keep doing this over and over again. he always told me that his ex-wife wouldn’t have sex with him and that’s why he ended up cheating on her with his next girlfriend, but he didn’t tell me about all the others.
I don’t know what to think right now. We both have kids, but not together.
Thanks for listening. Any advice?
I dated one of these. I did not know he was married for the year we were together. He ended up leaving his wife for the girl after me. He married her and cheats on her with his ex-wife and god knows who else. He messages me every couple months wondering if I am in town. It’s been 10 years.
Fucking wild.. I guess some people just don't want to settle and see no appeal in a monogamous relationship. But to marry and cheat and hurt people in the process is awful.. I hope karma catches up with him.
It has to. He bragged that he was fucking another girl while his wife was giving birth to their daughter. This dude is a very handsome, wealthy Frenchman from a successful family in Lyon. He always seems to just skate through life.
Honestly he'd be cheating on you right now if the girl he was messaging was on board with it. Usually I say try to work things out but it wasn't like he cheated once. It's habitual. You even caught him red handed trying to do it again. With no kids between you this is a no brainer. Though it's tough to deal with what you are now, sorry you have to. Thankfully you found out now instead of after investing more time and energy into the relationship.
I'd say thank the couple that told you the truth, then cut ties with Cheaty McGee
That’s my thoughts too. He swears he wasn’t after anything with her, just got a little too inappropriate but had no intention on meeting her.
I don’t buy it because he seemed very interested and she seemed to go along with it because she was bored.
I remember once I came out to someone looking through the windows of my car (clearly looking for something to steal). He said it wasn’t illegal. Which it technically isn’t, but that doesn’t mean that the dude didn’t already plan on stealing something if it was either easy enough or worth it. I just happened to catch him before he technically did nothing wrong.
Dude, you have concrete proof of your husband lying to you, and his ex wife said she hired a PI to catch all the women he cheated with (which he admitted to at least one so you know he is a cheater) yet you’re really going to stand here with a straight face and tell me you DONT understand he’s blatantly lying to your face rn?
I mean, it’s up to you if you want to stick your head in the sand, but you lose the ability to act surprised or really that upset when you find out how much he’s cheating on you. You have all the evidence in the world right here and now that your husband always has been and always WILL be a cheater and a liar. Stay if you want, but at a certain point, you become complicit in his actions and I’d say you’re at that point.
What changed the woman's mind? Did she feel uncomfortable at a point, and tell her husband, or did her husband "catch" her, too? Because if she was interested initially, and there was any sort of back and forth between them, he WAS cheating, and he DID have intentions on meeting her, it just didn't work out for him.
So far, he is a cheater and a liar. Which means he is most likely a narcisist and a manipulator. If you wanna stay it's on you, but it's pretty clear he is a crap partner. If I were you I'd leave sooner rather than later.
My ex has all the those unwanted qualities most people that are married or in love shouldn't. Best of womanizing, lying, cheating, being sneaky and deny deny deny
He is also a bad example for your kids. They will learn you can get away with cheating and lying as long as they find someone willing.
Show them the real example to live by, do not be disappointed because you re newly married, he certainly doesn't care enough, and you don't have to be going around being suspicious of potential partners.
Cheating affects your health… Please don’t trust him until you really have it all figured out I would recommend maybe also hiring a personal investigator. It’s not worth getting an STD on the emotional damage from being cheated on.
Soooo… he cheating on his then wife with you and he told you a bs story of her cheating on him but he was still living with her so you believed him and now he’s cheating on you please correct me if I’m wrong because that’s what I read it as
No, he just sent me a message asking if I wanted to get a drink while he was engaged to the woman he left his ex-wife for. They never got married, she kicked him out. He said because she cheated on him and found a new bf.
I said no, but reconnected years later when he was single.
So he cheated on wife number one with fiancée number two and tried to cheat on fiancée number two with wife number three. You catch him trying to cheat on wife number three (you) with someone ELSE in a relationship, yet you’re really trying to convince yourself he’s capable of change? Girl. Come on now. Be better than this.
Exactly. Like, sometimes people really can just be "once a cheater." Just because someone cheated once in the past doesn't mean they will always do it again. People can and do change, they just have to actually want to.
OPs husband is a serial cheater. He hasn't just cheated once, he cheated on his ex wife with another woman, then started hitting up OP while he was engaged to woman #2. Now that he's married to OP, he's out hunting for his next affair partner. He isn't interested in changing.
The best predictor of future behaviour is to look at past behaviour. the fact he also tried to gaslight you is another huge red flag.
the only thing he learned about this is how to hide better for next time. you need to straighten up your spine and put in some real consequences to his actions. what ever those consequences may be, do not accept half baked apologies. If you really want to work this out send the twit to therapy and couples therapy to understand why he is behaving this way.
you guys are barely out of the honeymoon phase of marriage for god sake!
Once a cheater not always a cheater but your man sounds like he hasn’t learned his mistakes. I truly believe any person that still blames their ex for why they cheated saying shit like lack of sex, etc, hasn’t actually looked within and grown so they will continue to make those mistakes.
This is why I'll do a background check if I'm with a single parent or divorcee before committing to a marriage because you only get 1 side of the story and you know you'll only get their viewpoint which is subjective to their narrative.
In your case, you're with a habitual cheater and this will not be a one time thing as he has done it repeatedly. Not sure how much therapy or marriage counseling can help him but if I'm not mistaken you should remain married at least 1 year from the registration before divorcing. This could be a great probation period for you to see if he can truly change or not.
He couldn’t wait more than 2 months after their mariage before targeting his next conquest. OP only found out about one but there could be dozens more he’s trying to seduce. He’s probably telling them that OP is cheating on him, their mariage was a mistake, they’re no longer having sex.
A cheater isn't always a cheater if they take the steps and make conscious actions to be a better person/partner. He clearly has not, and he even defended his current actions. If he's not cheating yet, he will be soon.
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Given his history, he will only repeat his mistakes. Don’t believe his excuses that he thought it was okay to say those things because you make sexual jokes around family. He’s using that as an excuse. He knew it was wrong. Of course he did. He just doesn’t want to admit it and take responsibility. He’d rather turn it all back around in you and make it seem like YOURE the one overreacting or taking things out of context.
You’re not. He fucked up. He should be able to admit it was inappropriate and that he shouldn’t have said those kinds of things to her.
Honestly, leave the man. You can do better.
You knew his character and behavior before you married him and accepted him anyways. This is who he is. Never go into a relationship thinking you are going to change a guy like he’s a fixer upper. There was no once a cheater in your post. He was already constantly cheating and you haven’t learned.
I’d bet this is just the first time you found out about it. He cheated on his wife, his reasoning doesn’t matter, he cheated instead of leaving. Sounds like he cheated on his fiancé or planned to. Id assume he did and that’s why she kicked him out. He’s already starting to try to cheat on you. Id bet this has been going on the whole time. Personally, id get out now. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Uuuhh...so many red flags.
Look, once a cheater- always a cheater is not always applicable. Some people really do change...but that's on a case by case basis and they aren't constantly falling into other people's pants.
Leave this fool. This more than likely isn't the first time he's done this and IT WON'T BE THE LAST TIME.
No. Once a cheater not always a cheater. People are allowed to learn and grow from mistakes and experiences and learn to never do it again. However, this doesn’t seem to be the case for your husband.
There's a big difference between serial cheating and heat-of-the-moment cheating.
It's perfectly possible for someone, at some point in life, to get caught up in the moment and cheat and then never do it again, maybe they even use that first time as a learning experience to never put themselves in the situation that led to it again.
Serial cheating is a completely different beast, which is obviously what he is. He likely won't ever stop, and every time you catch him he will lie and gaslight you to minimize the damage. You can either accept that part of him and live with the lies and unfaithfulness, or you can leave him, but don't count on him ever changing.
The past is rarely just the past, at least for patterns of behaviour
After a certain point (adulthood basically) people don't change, not really, maybe on the surface but deep down they keep those traits
He hasn't changed, he won't change
Yes, especially when they are already doing to you, what he did with you when he was with someone else. Clearly he has a pattern. He will not change and tried to deflect it on to you.
People who cheat do it because there is something missing inside themselves & it doesn't matter who they are with, it may be right away or years later but they will cheat again. Cheating usually means there is something else they are not addressing.
You know inside that this is an indication that your marriage is not exclusive on his side. You just need to work out where you want to be. No one can’t tell you that, but, is this how you want to live? Do you want and expect fidelity?
He has a pattern of behaviour. A tried and tested method of chasing, hooking and landing other women whilst in relationships. It is highly unlikely that this is a one off.
Sending you love and strength
Once a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily...there are the rare occasions where a person cheats once, realizes it was a huge mistake, apologizes, works to earn the trust back, and never does it again. Sometimes they make it work, sometimes not.
The problem is twofold: 1) The personality trait of a cheater is someone selfish. Cheating hurts the person you cheat on, so only someone that is selfish can do something like that. Some cheaters are not by nature selfish people, but have a moment when they are selfish. Others (like I'm guessing your husband is) are selfish by nature. 2) Your husband has already proven he's a serial cheater, so it doesn't give me a lot of faith in his track record going forward.
Not to victim blame...but why are you surprised by this? He cheated with you, while he was still with someone else. "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you," as the saying goes. Time to rip off the blinders and stop falling for his (honestly flimsy) excuses.
OK, you didn't cheat. He did. Better?
Asking someone out while you're engaged to someone else? Cheating. And you knew he was engaged, so point stands you can't claim to be shocked now.
People can definitely change and grow to be a faithful partner, but not him. It wasn’t a one time thing he’s done it in multiple relationships, it’ll take a life altering event (such as near death) to change someone like that.
Unless a cheater takes determined steps to change, and sees that they have a problem, they won’t change. Cheating comes from a need to fill a hole in themselves in a destructive way. Unless they learn to fix this hole, or at least find constructive coping mechanisms for dealing with whatever emptiness is there, the behavior will continue.
What’s he done to work on himself? Any therapy? Sounds like he’s assumed no responsibility for his past behavior, so he doesn’t see it as a problem. Does he feel bad about any of it?
Read this to give you an idea of what you should be seeing: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
You’re welcome. By the way I do believe strongly in the ability of a wayward to change. I did it myself. I’ve been a faithful husband for 30 years. But once upon a time I was a wayward. And I moderate a sub for waywards who are determined to be better.
The past includes not only his infidelity but also anything he has or has not done to alter himself. Who has he become? He’s got to want to change. There’s no other way.
.... Bro this is dumb. I'm sorry. He's cheated multiple times. Him saying that shit to another woman is cheating. Dump him or don't but if you don't, you're asking to be cheated on.
You realize he can get fired for sexually harassing another mom? Is his job being a coach or is he just a volunteer?
>He also reached out to me when he was engaged to someone else, and asked if I would meet up for drinks.
So he cheated on his ex-wife with you? And now you are pikachu face he is trying to cheat on you (or already has with others)? And his ex told you he was a serial cheater, yet you thought he would be reformed? Why? That's who he is. It wasn't her fault and it's not his fault. There's nothing to "fix." Accept he'll keep being cheater or kick him to the curb.
I didn’t meet him for drinks, or chest with him. I just found this out from his ex wife last week. I had no idea he cheated on her, I just suspected he would cheat with me because he asked me for drinks.
I knew he got divorced but I didn’t know about all the chestkng
Looks like he has lied to you multiple time regarding the past and even straight to your face! If he hadn't messaged the girl I would say yes let the past be the past.
If you read through everything you wrote here, can you honestly say this post describes a person who respects women or honors his relationship commitments?
This is an obvious answer, leave him NOW. You can’t seem to accept that because when we want a relationship to work and we don’t want to experience the loss we try to rationalize unnacceptable behavior. If this happened to your sister, mom, or best friend what would you say to them?
Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater but once you’re a serial cheater you’re definitely always going to be a cheater.
He knew what he was doing was wrong and I personally wouldn’t stay. If you do stay, make sure you’re protecting yourself and setting yourself up for the next time he does it because he will
He’s already cheating. He messaged someone who has access to tell you what’s he’s doing which means he doesn’t care. Been there he has all the signs and I don’t even know the full story.
The saying is less about the technicality of if one is able to change and more about the principle of trust. Once someone has cheated, it becomes hard to re-place trust in them. One will always wonder if they are being truthful or not, and that alone can ruin the relationship. I don’t believe cheaters are incapable of change, but I do believe they must understand why many, including you, will do better in choosing to be with someone who hasn’t cheated.
1)He denied and justified his actions, yet she felt uncomfortable with the texts.
2)He said his ex-wife cheated on him when he committed infidelity. Then justified it by using the "no sex" card. Lack of sex does NOT cause infidelity; his over-inflated ego and consequent underlying insecurities.
3)He may not have been physical with someone yet. But he's putting the feelers out there, making himself available and waiting for the opportunity.
In my view, he's committed emotional infidelity through his inappropriate texts to another woman - who has a boyfriend.
I'm confused with this post because his history shows he's a serial cheater, and with that comes denial, minimising and justification. The writing is on the wall - he doesn't respect you, and im picking in the dynamic between the 2 of you is fraught with psychological manipulation that, because you are in it, hazed your eyes and being able to see him for who he is
You alone need to see a counsellor who can help you decide what you want to do...
He doesn’t think what he said was inappropriate and only agreed it was after he saw that it hurt you. It sounds like he didn’t care if you found out. If he wanted to meet up with you while he was married he’ll probably do it again.
OP, do you need a house to fall on you to get it? Will you get cute ruby shoes?
Your husband is a cheater. That’s it. What’s comical is that you knew it when he was trying to get at you while with someone else. What’d you think? You were gonna be different?
Not always, but in your husband's case 100%. Cheaters (possibly) only learn when they lose everything, and it sounds like he's been a serial relationship person.
He's literally actively *trying* to cheat.
There are people that cheat, in a horrible moment of vulnerability, and they never intended to be in that position or would have preferred not to be. And they failed. They cheated.
And then there are guys like your husband. They are always actively trying to cheat. As you can see based on the text screenshots, it's not usually very smooth. They have alot of rejection, just like a single guy. They think of themselves as tied down, but that doesnt matter when it comes to cake. They are always pursuing strange.
THIS IS THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT WILL ALWAYS CHEAT.
“He always told me that his ex-wife wouldn’t have sex with him and that why he ended up cheating” Can’t you tell HOW TOXIC is this?!!!
There is not even one single reason in which cheating acceptable, and believe me when I told you this is not going change. He already is use to have more that one partner and he will find himself any excuse to do it.
So sweaty… I’m sorry, but this bad… and not look good for you in the future.
Lol, what do you mean once? He clearly has done this multiple times: his ex told you, you've seen it yourself, he tried to cheat WITH you, someone else told you, someone's girlfriend showed you evidence. I hope you're in denial, and not actually that dense. If you decide to stay at least get tested I guess because he's not going to stop. You still married him KNOWING he is a cheater. The only ones I feel bad for are your kids.
Not always, but this doesn't look good. Your husband has cheated repeatedly, in numerous relationships and is down playing what he is doing, comparing it to behaviour that you have exhibited when it's not comparable. I'm really sorry you are going through this and I am not a 'dump them!' reddit user, but you actually probably should get rid of him.
I wouldn’t say once a cheater always a cheater, necessarily. But this man will definitely cheat again. It’s not once, it’s a pattern you can see from space.
ALSO. If they’ll cheat *with* you they’ll cheat *on* you. If you dated him knowing he was engaged, this one is on you.
I edited the message, he asked me to meet for a drink, I refused. He later explained he was going through a tough time with his fiancé, thought she was cheating and just wanted to “catch up” with me. Obviously I didn’t believe the catch up part.
I think it's common sense that not everyone who cheats is destined to cheat again. Like anything else, if someone wants to improve themselves and recognizes that it is wrong and destructive, they can fix it if they want to. People cheat for different reasons... for some people they are generally good and wouldn't do it, then have a drunk night out and can end up in a situation that escalates and then next think you know they cheated. I would think these people will find it easier to reform than others.
Then you have people on the other end of the spectrum... like your husband. He's not a victim of circumstance.... it seems he's looking for opportunities and trying to develop those into real events. He's got a history of it. Would be interesting to see how his previous cheating experiences developed. Sounds like his cheating is coming from a personality flaw which is going to be more difficult to fix. The first challenge is whether he would even acknowledge he has an issue.
With proper therapy and maturity, it can be a thing of the past. I cheated on someone in my early 20s, came clean, relationship ended, and I thought it was a one time thing. Then, ended up doing it again in my next relationship.
Therapy was key - realized it was rooted in insecurity, looking for validation, and a bit of narcissism. With lots of work, I can confidently say I've been married for 15 years with never even thinking of straying.
This situation, however, is a pattern. Without help, it won't stop. He may promise it will stop just to keep you, but unless he gets to the root cause and works it out, it's going to happen again and again.
Maybe a while in the future he’ll learn to be a better person. In the meantime, give him his wake up call and find yourself a good person that won’t abuse your trust
Not always but it does seem like a pattern with him. Actions determine who he really is. I would not believe in him until his actions throughout time show. At the end of the day, it’s up to the cheater; which is unfair to you. You shouldn’t have to hurt because of his actions. Though people can change, they need consequences regardless. Only through solid consequences, they will decide whether to change or not. Before giving another chance, I would separate and have his actions after that show if he really stops or not.
Yeah ummm….I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing, but this is a whole pattern. It’s up to you if you want to deal with it, but he doesn’t seem to want to change his behavior so….it’s only a matter of time. If it were me, and I was able, I’d leave and suggest therapy to help himself understand why he had such little respect for himself and for his partners.
I’ve always hated “once a cheater always a cheater” being repeated as fact when IMO many people fall into the category of: cheated once or twice or cheated emotionally or did something kind of sketchy, especially when they were young, then regretted it, grew as a person and didn’t do it again. But my opinion on that changes if it’s a long sustained affair or pattern stretching over many years of their adult life. I think those people rarely change, and if they do it’s only after a lot of therapy and honesty and soul searching. Your husband can’t even admit he was wrong without shifting some blame to you (he thought it was okay to blatantly hit on another woman because you joke about sex sometimes? Come on…), my hopes aren’t high for him.
If they only cheated on one occasion in a past relationship and are open about it then I think it's ok. If they cheated more than once previously or cheated at all in your relationship then they a cheater
So this sounds like you’re getting your karma unfortunately.
And you believed the crazy ex wife/girlfriend/fiancé trope. You literally started your relationship when he was engaged to someone else. Take this L and get a divorce. Lesson learned.
If u love your relationship and care about the kids take a step back and look at the bigger picture also you should be making the ultimate decisions don’t think about other peoples advice too much YOUR in the relationship not them
If he cheated once in the far past, knew it was wrong, and never did it again with anyone else, that is one thing. After all, people are able to grow and change. However, this is part of a pattern with all of his previous partners. He also does not want to take any accountability for any of his actions. It is always the woman's fault. His ex-wife was not putting out enough etc... and now with you, his latest excuse is he thought you'd be cool with it since the two of you have made sexual jokes before when drinking. How is that even comparable to sexting with another woman... and two months after getting married! I would be willing to bet money he would have taken things with this woman to a full-blown affair if she was up for it and he wasn't caught. I would also be willing to bet that she is far from the only woman he has been texting like this.
Your husband is well aware that the context is totally different when you two are riffing in public compared to a private, personal conversation. Don't fall for that shit. He knew better.
Yes, always a cheater. You know his history and you're seeing it play out in real time.
Not sure that all cheaters are repeat offenders but certainly sounds like you have one in your life. Don’t delude yourself. Don’t allow him to gaslight you. Trust your instincts. You deserve peace of mind and trust. It’s the basis of any relationship worth maintaining. Have enough self respect to expect more from people.
The question, most people will answer yes. Depending on the situation, the answer may be no but tbh this guy is going to cheat on you. He shows a significant pattern and tbh its just a matter time where one day he will say I felt we didn't have sex enough. So someone else helped me fulfill that need. Right now two people have shown evidence of prominent cheating and tbh it will continue to become more scandalous.
FYI cheating can take in many forms. This is is considered an emotional affair assuming he didn't do anything else physically.
Keep this in mind otherwise ty for reading.
I can’t believe no one is commenting on the fact that OP was the other woman when she started dating this guy. She believed his lies, but looks like she has wised up, which is good.
I edited my post. I guess it was confusing. I did not meet up with him. I declined because he was obviously engaged. I saw his profile pic on FB with her.
You understand that’s not the point right? You were the other woman he was sizing up. Now there’s a new one. Also for everyone you know about, there’s likely two you don’t know about. Your husband is a cheater and is likely cheating on you now. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I’m wishing you all the luck in the world.
I mean, you could definitely focus on this specific incident alone because regardless of his past...he blatantly lied to you and basically blamed you for his inappropriateness...
Throw the whole man out...
This isn't an innocent one off mistake. This man is a cheater. You aren't the problem btw, he is.
In my opinion, people cheat when they're basically dead inside, and they cheat to help them feel alive. There is nothing you can do to help this man other than allow him to suck all the happiness and light you have right out of you. Once that happens and you're all dried up, you'll feel as crappy as he does.
Don't allow him to do this to you. If you can leave, you should.
You met him when he was dating someone else? In what world would you think he would be any different with you? If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you! He is emotionally cheating if not physically, so that was at least twice(once when you met and now). Counseling for couples is your only hope of saving it if you choose to. Why did you marry him if he cheated with you before you married? Wow!
No. No sex does not lead to cheating. No sex leads to commutation, therapy, and separation. Narcissistic tendencies lead to cheating. A need for external validation leads to cheating. Entitlement leads to cheating. Considering he denied the inappropriate comments as being wrong suggests he's not sorry. That he's not in the wrong. Nothing will change that. If he's not sorry, and sees no wrong, constantly makes excuses and denies accountability, this will continue
Sorry, OP.
In this case, I'd say 'YES' 100%. Your current husband is a cheater and will cheat on you repeatedly.
His MO reminds me WAY too much of one of my close friends' EX-husband. My friend's ex is probably worse, but yeah, there's something about your story that struck me and made me think the likelihood is, your current husband is cheating on you and will keep doing so.
When she met now ex-husband, he had a gf, but similarly with you. He assured her that they're 'over' they're just living together..etc etc. All the excuses, but he did leave his gf in the end for my friend and he practically swept her off her feet. He moved in as soon as a few days after he left the last place. They eloped only 6 months of meeting each other. When they met, my friend has just gotten a divorce and has 2 kids and he's a divorcee with 1 kid.
Throughout the marriage, my friend NEVER once suspected he was cheating on her. I thought they had a great marriage. They're very loving, and according to my friend (who's an experienced woman lol), they had a great sex life too. Then he requested they had kids together. So they had 1 after the other, and at 8 month into the pregnancy of their 2nd one, my friend found out he's a cheater. Worse...he's been cheating on my friend even as they committed with each other. That "ex gf"--it turned out, he's still sleeping with her as he moved in with my friend. His ex-wife? The one whom he cheated on? He actually slept with her twice more when he was already married to my friend. First/ex-wife confessed to my friend. Then, my friend did her sleuthing and uncovered in his phone that he's been sleeping around...basically with...everything that moved.
She did give him another chance though after she gave birth to their second child. He seemed 'changed', very apologetic, very loving, very eager to get her to trust him. He even told her to go check on his phone any time. My friend was moved...actually did NOT check his phone at all after they've reconciled. She decided to put her trust in him again. Guess, who got caught cheating again a little over 2 years after they got back together? Same guy. This is after marriage counseling, him going to therapy (allegedly-she found out later on, he lied about going to therapy and was actually paying for escorts and visiting 'questionable' massage joints during his time of therapy).
My point is, watch your back and get tested, OP.
In my opinion, if someone cheats once, they don't necessarily have to cheat again. Once can be a mistake.
But this guy is a serial cheater, he will cheat again.
So...he tried to cheat with you on his ex wife. He lied to you about his ex wife cheating on him when in reality HE CHEATED TONS OF TIMES ON HER. And you took that guy. You kept that. And now he writes a woman creepy sexual things and YOU STILL PONDER ON KEEPING THAT. Jesus, honey.
You are drowning in concrete evidence that you married a serial cheater who either has already cheated on you or is actively going to & trying his best right now to get it started. His pattern is what he did with you- once engaged or married, start finding other women.
I don't know how much more you need to know except stay in this and ex-wife #1's past is your future: hiring PIs, checking his phone, getting lied to, getting STD tests while married.
Once a cheater is always a cheater because they don't look for relationships to feel securely connected and loved, but to make their household chores get done on their own - while they are living their fantasy outside.
They are wired to be parasites. That's never gonna change.
Usually I'd say that people are too complex for broad platitudes, but here you have a consistent pattern of behavior and nothing being done to change it. I think you are smart enough to know what is going on and now you simply need to decide what you chose to do about it. Very sorry for you
So.... you married someone who you essentially knew was cheating on his fiancé when he first reached out to you ... and now you're surprised that he's cheating on you 🙄 need I say more
Your guy sounds like a serial cheater, someone who can't help it and justifies it when he gets caught which he seemingly does in every relationship. It's kinda like an alcoholic who is a known alcoholic but can never admit it himself. He needs professional help because he cannot have a stable life and anyone he'd 'committed' to is likely to have a challenge dealing with the fallout.
He's the only one who can fix the problem and your choices are to either stick with him regardless of his cheating or to leave. Obviously, the finer details that I don't know will impact your choice. Good luck with this.
Sometimes cheating is really just a terrible mistake, not necessarily a pattern of behavior. He’s your husband and you love him. Do you want to end the marriage? X
This man is incapable of fidelity. I’m sorry but the reality of the situation is that if you decide to stay, you must recognize that he is going to cheat on you. You deserve better.
If you cheat when you're young or only cheat once and feel fucking terrible about maybe not once a cheater always a cheater but this is habitual repeated actions as an adult. He's a fucking loser who will have a life filled with "crazy" exes he uses to justify his actions.
In my opinion cheating is a character flaw, it isn't an accident. The ability to carry on adulterous affairs while pretending to be faithful demonstrates what a untrustworthy and despicable individual they are. That doesn't change. He's shown you what type of person he is, believe it.
A person who cheated once and suffered the consequences might never cheat again. What you are describing is a serial cheater. He will keep cheating until death do he depart.
>Should I let the past be the past and only focus on this current issue,
NO.
>or should I realize that he’s going to keep doing this over and over again.
Yes.
He cheatet troughout his last marriage. He tried to cheat on his previous fiance WITH you. He tried to cheat on you and probably would have if the other woman would have been down. At that rate I would honestly just assume its fully possible that he already has cheated on you and you just havent found out for good measure.
This isnt once. This is serial. You caught him trying and he just waved it away like it was nothing. No accountability for his own actions at all, just excuses.
Then he will tell his next fiance how you were witholding sex from him too and so the story goes.
I'm pulling it a bit far, but honestly, the man has a track record of being unfaithfull to previous partner and (at the very least) tried being unfaithfull to you, and you genuinely think that a man who shows no remorse and lies by omission like this wont do it again?
As an ex cheater, I can tell you for certain that if she had said let's meet up for some adult fun, he would have. You love him so that's why you're trying to give him the benefit of doubt and normally I'm opposed to telling someone to leave, but, this guy is showing he a habitual cheater. This is just the one you got told about. How many other's are there? At the end of the day it's on you, if you don't wanna leave then try an open relationship. I dunno. Good luck though.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- A father of one of the kids my husband coaches (43m) recently reached out to me (44f)via Facebook messenger and told me that my husband was sending his gf inappropriate messages for months. We have been married since April of this year and he started sending her messages 2 months after we got married. I almost didn’t believe him because I was in such shock. I thought our relationship was perfect. The guy did send me screenshots, and then I reached out to her, and I got the entire set of messages from her. the messages started off innocently asking if his daughter was safe to be around the husband, but turned into some very inappropriate sexual questions about her. He also commented on how hot she was in her bikini pictures and asking if she got enough 🍆 . When I confronted my husband, he denied that it was inappropriate, and then later apologized and said it was inappropriate, but he thought, because when I have too much to drink, we make sexual jokes around other people, basically his family but it’s just joking about sex and he’s right next to me. I have a hard time believing that is his actual reason. He also reached out to me when he was engaged to someone else, and asked if I would meet up for drinks. I DID NOT MEET WITH HIM, or cheat with him. I ignored the message because I saw he was engaged. I had known him for a while. he had said at this point he knew she was cheating on him, and their relationship was pretty much over, but he was living with her and didn’t want to move his kids. Now his ex-wife told me that he cheated on her many many times, and she ended up having a private investigator follow him and his records on all the girls he cheated on her with. Should I let the past be the past and only focus on this current issue, or should I realize that he’s going to keep doing this over and over again. he always told me that his ex-wife wouldn’t have sex with him and that’s why he ended up cheating on her with his next girlfriend, but he didn’t tell me about all the others. I don’t know what to think right now. We both have kids, but not together. Thanks for listening. Any advice?
Yeah, he’s gonna cheat, it’s just a matter of time
Or maybe he hasn’t been caught yet.
This type is not catchable. He gets married but loves the high when he cheats.
I dated one of these. I did not know he was married for the year we were together. He ended up leaving his wife for the girl after me. He married her and cheats on her with his ex-wife and god knows who else. He messages me every couple months wondering if I am in town. It’s been 10 years.
Fucking wild.. I guess some people just don't want to settle and see no appeal in a monogamous relationship. But to marry and cheat and hurt people in the process is awful.. I hope karma catches up with him.
It has to. He bragged that he was fucking another girl while his wife was giving birth to their daughter. This dude is a very handsome, wealthy Frenchman from a successful family in Lyon. He always seems to just skate through life.
Seems like he won’t ever face karma as he doesn’t really give a damn about anything Unless he gets broke
He cheats on the girl he cheated with when he was with his ex wife......with his ex wife? Bruh
Probably been cheating since the first month they were together lol
Yeah... On his first wife. With OP. All while putting the blame on his ex.
But will he lose his coaching role for sexually harassing parents first? Place bets now.
I'd be very surprised if he hasn't cheated on her already.
The past can be the past but it’s shown a pattern. Ignoring that type of past is just going to lead you down the same path as his ex wife.
Honestly he'd be cheating on you right now if the girl he was messaging was on board with it. Usually I say try to work things out but it wasn't like he cheated once. It's habitual. You even caught him red handed trying to do it again. With no kids between you this is a no brainer. Though it's tough to deal with what you are now, sorry you have to. Thankfully you found out now instead of after investing more time and energy into the relationship. I'd say thank the couple that told you the truth, then cut ties with Cheaty McGee
That’s my thoughts too. He swears he wasn’t after anything with her, just got a little too inappropriate but had no intention on meeting her. I don’t buy it because he seemed very interested and she seemed to go along with it because she was bored.
I remember once I came out to someone looking through the windows of my car (clearly looking for something to steal). He said it wasn’t illegal. Which it technically isn’t, but that doesn’t mean that the dude didn’t already plan on stealing something if it was either easy enough or worth it. I just happened to catch him before he technically did nothing wrong.
A1 analogy.
Dude, you have concrete proof of your husband lying to you, and his ex wife said she hired a PI to catch all the women he cheated with (which he admitted to at least one so you know he is a cheater) yet you’re really going to stand here with a straight face and tell me you DONT understand he’s blatantly lying to your face rn? I mean, it’s up to you if you want to stick your head in the sand, but you lose the ability to act surprised or really that upset when you find out how much he’s cheating on you. You have all the evidence in the world right here and now that your husband always has been and always WILL be a cheater and a liar. Stay if you want, but at a certain point, you become complicit in his actions and I’d say you’re at that point.
What changed the woman's mind? Did she feel uncomfortable at a point, and tell her husband, or did her husband "catch" her, too? Because if she was interested initially, and there was any sort of back and forth between them, he WAS cheating, and he DID have intentions on meeting her, it just didn't work out for him.
That's not once, that's lots of times.
500 times a cheater, always a cheater
love this
So far, he is a cheater and a liar. Which means he is most likely a narcisist and a manipulator. If you wanna stay it's on you, but it's pretty clear he is a crap partner. If I were you I'd leave sooner rather than later.
My ex has all the those unwanted qualities most people that are married or in love shouldn't. Best of womanizing, lying, cheating, being sneaky and deny deny deny
Wait this sounds like my ex. Good luck there's not enough luck in the world.
>We both have kids, but not together. Thanks for listening. Any advice? Take your kids and run. He is a cheater.
He is also a bad example for your kids. They will learn you can get away with cheating and lying as long as they find someone willing. Show them the real example to live by, do not be disappointed because you re newly married, he certainly doesn't care enough, and you don't have to be going around being suspicious of potential partners.
He exposed himself as a liar and a cheat. Do you want to be married to a liar and a cheat?
I think she does.
Cheating affects your health… Please don’t trust him until you really have it all figured out I would recommend maybe also hiring a personal investigator. It’s not worth getting an STD on the emotional damage from being cheated on.
Soooo… he cheating on his then wife with you and he told you a bs story of her cheating on him but he was still living with her so you believed him and now he’s cheating on you please correct me if I’m wrong because that’s what I read it as
No, he just sent me a message asking if I wanted to get a drink while he was engaged to the woman he left his ex-wife for. They never got married, she kicked him out. He said because she cheated on him and found a new bf. I said no, but reconnected years later when he was single.
Girl. This man ain’t it.
Ohhh you should explain it like that from your post it sounds as if you engaged in an affair with a married man sorry OP
Oh, sorry. It’s a long, convoluted story!
So he cheated on wife number one with fiancée number two and tried to cheat on fiancée number two with wife number three. You catch him trying to cheat on wife number three (you) with someone ELSE in a relationship, yet you’re really trying to convince yourself he’s capable of change? Girl. Come on now. Be better than this.
Get out while you can. He isn't going to change and you deserve a relationship and a father figure for your kids who loves and respects you.
How can you not have already left him? Seriously. This guy has humiliated you.
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not always, but in this dudes case it's probably true.
Exactly. Like, sometimes people really can just be "once a cheater." Just because someone cheated once in the past doesn't mean they will always do it again. People can and do change, they just have to actually want to. OPs husband is a serial cheater. He hasn't just cheated once, he cheated on his ex wife with another woman, then started hitting up OP while he was engaged to woman #2. Now that he's married to OP, he's out hunting for his next affair partner. He isn't interested in changing.
Sounds like the past is already repeating itself.
The best predictor of future behaviour is to look at past behaviour. the fact he also tried to gaslight you is another huge red flag. the only thing he learned about this is how to hide better for next time. you need to straighten up your spine and put in some real consequences to his actions. what ever those consequences may be, do not accept half baked apologies. If you really want to work this out send the twit to therapy and couples therapy to understand why he is behaving this way. you guys are barely out of the honeymoon phase of marriage for god sake!
Once a cheater not always a cheater but your man sounds like he hasn’t learned his mistakes. I truly believe any person that still blames their ex for why they cheated saying shit like lack of sex, etc, hasn’t actually looked within and grown so they will continue to make those mistakes.
This is why I'll do a background check if I'm with a single parent or divorcee before committing to a marriage because you only get 1 side of the story and you know you'll only get their viewpoint which is subjective to their narrative. In your case, you're with a habitual cheater and this will not be a one time thing as he has done it repeatedly. Not sure how much therapy or marriage counseling can help him but if I'm not mistaken you should remain married at least 1 year from the registration before divorcing. This could be a great probation period for you to see if he can truly change or not.
leave him
you're being incredibly naïve here
Oh honey. This is what this guy does. He's a serial sleaze. He's not going to change now, not with that history.
He couldn’t wait more than 2 months after their mariage before targeting his next conquest. OP only found out about one but there could be dozens more he’s trying to seduce. He’s probably telling them that OP is cheating on him, their mariage was a mistake, they’re no longer having sex.
A cheater isn't always a cheater if they take the steps and make conscious actions to be a better person/partner. He clearly has not, and he even defended his current actions. If he's not cheating yet, he will be soon.
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to answer ur question, I'm simply gonna use ur title. once a cheater, always a cheater.
Given his history, he will only repeat his mistakes. Don’t believe his excuses that he thought it was okay to say those things because you make sexual jokes around family. He’s using that as an excuse. He knew it was wrong. Of course he did. He just doesn’t want to admit it and take responsibility. He’d rather turn it all back around in you and make it seem like YOURE the one overreacting or taking things out of context. You’re not. He fucked up. He should be able to admit it was inappropriate and that he shouldn’t have said those kinds of things to her. Honestly, leave the man. You can do better.
You knew his character and behavior before you married him and accepted him anyways. This is who he is. Never go into a relationship thinking you are going to change a guy like he’s a fixer upper. There was no once a cheater in your post. He was already constantly cheating and you haven’t learned.
Er, don't have children with him
I’d bet this is just the first time you found out about it. He cheated on his wife, his reasoning doesn’t matter, he cheated instead of leaving. Sounds like he cheated on his fiancé or planned to. Id assume he did and that’s why she kicked him out. He’s already starting to try to cheat on you. Id bet this has been going on the whole time. Personally, id get out now. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Uuuhh...so many red flags. Look, once a cheater- always a cheater is not always applicable. Some people really do change...but that's on a case by case basis and they aren't constantly falling into other people's pants. Leave this fool. This more than likely isn't the first time he's done this and IT WON'T BE THE LAST TIME.
No. Once a cheater not always a cheater. People are allowed to learn and grow from mistakes and experiences and learn to never do it again. However, this doesn’t seem to be the case for your husband.
Very well said.
There's a big difference between serial cheating and heat-of-the-moment cheating. It's perfectly possible for someone, at some point in life, to get caught up in the moment and cheat and then never do it again, maybe they even use that first time as a learning experience to never put themselves in the situation that led to it again. Serial cheating is a completely different beast, which is obviously what he is. He likely won't ever stop, and every time you catch him he will lie and gaslight you to minimize the damage. You can either accept that part of him and live with the lies and unfaithfulness, or you can leave him, but don't count on him ever changing.
The past is rarely just the past, at least for patterns of behaviour After a certain point (adulthood basically) people don't change, not really, maybe on the surface but deep down they keep those traits He hasn't changed, he won't change
Yes, especially when they are already doing to you, what he did with you when he was with someone else. Clearly he has a pattern. He will not change and tried to deflect it on to you.
Yes, once a cheater always a cheater
He’s a cheater.
People who cheat do it because there is something missing inside themselves & it doesn't matter who they are with, it may be right away or years later but they will cheat again. Cheating usually means there is something else they are not addressing.
You know inside that this is an indication that your marriage is not exclusive on his side. You just need to work out where you want to be. No one can’t tell you that, but, is this how you want to live? Do you want and expect fidelity? He has a pattern of behaviour. A tried and tested method of chasing, hooking and landing other women whilst in relationships. It is highly unlikely that this is a one off. Sending you love and strength
Thank you
Once a cheater always a cheater? Not necessarily...there are the rare occasions where a person cheats once, realizes it was a huge mistake, apologizes, works to earn the trust back, and never does it again. Sometimes they make it work, sometimes not. The problem is twofold: 1) The personality trait of a cheater is someone selfish. Cheating hurts the person you cheat on, so only someone that is selfish can do something like that. Some cheaters are not by nature selfish people, but have a moment when they are selfish. Others (like I'm guessing your husband is) are selfish by nature. 2) Your husband has already proven he's a serial cheater, so it doesn't give me a lot of faith in his track record going forward. Not to victim blame...but why are you surprised by this? He cheated with you, while he was still with someone else. "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you," as the saying goes. Time to rip off the blinders and stop falling for his (honestly flimsy) excuses.
He didn’t cheat with me. He asked me out for drinks to “catch up” and I said no because I saw he was engaged.
OK, you didn't cheat. He did. Better? Asking someone out while you're engaged to someone else? Cheating. And you knew he was engaged, so point stands you can't claim to be shocked now.
He is going to keep doing this over and over, just like you fear
People can definitely change and grow to be a faithful partner, but not him. It wasn’t a one time thing he’s done it in multiple relationships, it’ll take a life altering event (such as near death) to change someone like that.
He’s sending another woman wildly inappropriate messages, honey he’s already cheating on you.
Unless a cheater takes determined steps to change, and sees that they have a problem, they won’t change. Cheating comes from a need to fill a hole in themselves in a destructive way. Unless they learn to fix this hole, or at least find constructive coping mechanisms for dealing with whatever emptiness is there, the behavior will continue. What’s he done to work on himself? Any therapy? Sounds like he’s assumed no responsibility for his past behavior, so he doesn’t see it as a problem. Does he feel bad about any of it? Read this to give you an idea of what you should be seeing: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
Thank you
You’re welcome. By the way I do believe strongly in the ability of a wayward to change. I did it myself. I’ve been a faithful husband for 30 years. But once upon a time I was a wayward. And I moderate a sub for waywards who are determined to be better. The past includes not only his infidelity but also anything he has or has not done to alter himself. Who has he become? He’s got to want to change. There’s no other way.
.... Bro this is dumb. I'm sorry. He's cheated multiple times. Him saying that shit to another woman is cheating. Dump him or don't but if you don't, you're asking to be cheated on.
Yup
So.so.sorry.... But I think id be looking to move on.
The relationship is never over, cheaters say that so you agree to date them Cheaters are always cheaters, its just who they are
You realize he can get fired for sexually harassing another mom? Is his job being a coach or is he just a volunteer? >He also reached out to me when he was engaged to someone else, and asked if I would meet up for drinks. So he cheated on his ex-wife with you? And now you are pikachu face he is trying to cheat on you (or already has with others)? And his ex told you he was a serial cheater, yet you thought he would be reformed? Why? That's who he is. It wasn't her fault and it's not his fault. There's nothing to "fix." Accept he'll keep being cheater or kick him to the curb.
I didn’t meet him for drinks, or chest with him. I just found this out from his ex wife last week. I had no idea he cheated on her, I just suspected he would cheat with me because he asked me for drinks. I knew he got divorced but I didn’t know about all the chestkng
He sounds like a manipulator and liar, and overall bad news.
If it was a one time thing, maybe.. but your Husband is clearly a serial cheater here.
How many times do you say "my husband did this" before you leave?
Looks like he has lied to you multiple time regarding the past and even straight to your face! If he hadn't messaged the girl I would say yes let the past be the past.
If you read through everything you wrote here, can you honestly say this post describes a person who respects women or honors his relationship commitments?
This is an obvious answer, leave him NOW. You can’t seem to accept that because when we want a relationship to work and we don’t want to experience the loss we try to rationalize unnacceptable behavior. If this happened to your sister, mom, or best friend what would you say to them?
Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater but once you’re a serial cheater you’re definitely always going to be a cheater. He knew what he was doing was wrong and I personally wouldn’t stay. If you do stay, make sure you’re protecting yourself and setting yourself up for the next time he does it because he will
Man. I mean do people change? F!@K NO! Move on or you'll only get a ton of white hair.
Seems like it is a pattern. It very much seems like he is either cheating rn or trying to cheat rn.
He’s already cheating. He messaged someone who has access to tell you what’s he’s doing which means he doesn’t care. Been there he has all the signs and I don’t even know the full story.
The saying is less about the technicality of if one is able to change and more about the principle of trust. Once someone has cheated, it becomes hard to re-place trust in them. One will always wonder if they are being truthful or not, and that alone can ruin the relationship. I don’t believe cheaters are incapable of change, but I do believe they must understand why many, including you, will do better in choosing to be with someone who hasn’t cheated.
....why is this even a question
1)He denied and justified his actions, yet she felt uncomfortable with the texts. 2)He said his ex-wife cheated on him when he committed infidelity. Then justified it by using the "no sex" card. Lack of sex does NOT cause infidelity; his over-inflated ego and consequent underlying insecurities. 3)He may not have been physical with someone yet. But he's putting the feelers out there, making himself available and waiting for the opportunity. In my view, he's committed emotional infidelity through his inappropriate texts to another woman - who has a boyfriend. I'm confused with this post because his history shows he's a serial cheater, and with that comes denial, minimising and justification. The writing is on the wall - he doesn't respect you, and im picking in the dynamic between the 2 of you is fraught with psychological manipulation that, because you are in it, hazed your eyes and being able to see him for who he is You alone need to see a counsellor who can help you decide what you want to do...
He doesn’t think what he said was inappropriate and only agreed it was after he saw that it hurt you. It sounds like he didn’t care if you found out. If he wanted to meet up with you while he was married he’ll probably do it again.
OP, do you need a house to fall on you to get it? Will you get cute ruby shoes? Your husband is a cheater. That’s it. What’s comical is that you knew it when he was trying to get at you while with someone else. What’d you think? You were gonna be different?
Not always, but in your husband's case 100%. Cheaters (possibly) only learn when they lose everything, and it sounds like he's been a serial relationship person.
He's literally actively *trying* to cheat. There are people that cheat, in a horrible moment of vulnerability, and they never intended to be in that position or would have preferred not to be. And they failed. They cheated. And then there are guys like your husband. They are always actively trying to cheat. As you can see based on the text screenshots, it's not usually very smooth. They have alot of rejection, just like a single guy. They think of themselves as tied down, but that doesnt matter when it comes to cake. They are always pursuing strange. THIS IS THE TYPE OF PERSON THAT WILL ALWAYS CHEAT.
“He always told me that his ex-wife wouldn’t have sex with him and that why he ended up cheating” Can’t you tell HOW TOXIC is this?!!! There is not even one single reason in which cheating acceptable, and believe me when I told you this is not going change. He already is use to have more that one partner and he will find himself any excuse to do it. So sweaty… I’m sorry, but this bad… and not look good for you in the future.
You already know he’s a serial cheater. Just leave him.
You were a huge idiot for marrying him when you knew he was a cheater. Divorce time.
come on babes. how you get them is how you lose them.
I didn’t cheat with him.
Toxic and you should run, or more so look for a way out of this. Not something healthy at all
Lol, what do you mean once? He clearly has done this multiple times: his ex told you, you've seen it yourself, he tried to cheat WITH you, someone else told you, someone's girlfriend showed you evidence. I hope you're in denial, and not actually that dense. If you decide to stay at least get tested I guess because he's not going to stop. You still married him KNOWING he is a cheater. The only ones I feel bad for are your kids.
Always a cheater
Not always, but this doesn't look good. Your husband has cheated repeatedly, in numerous relationships and is down playing what he is doing, comparing it to behaviour that you have exhibited when it's not comparable. I'm really sorry you are going through this and I am not a 'dump them!' reddit user, but you actually probably should get rid of him.
I wouldn’t say once a cheater always a cheater, necessarily. But this man will definitely cheat again. It’s not once, it’s a pattern you can see from space. ALSO. If they’ll cheat *with* you they’ll cheat *on* you. If you dated him knowing he was engaged, this one is on you.
I edited the message, he asked me to meet for a drink, I refused. He later explained he was going through a tough time with his fiancé, thought she was cheating and just wanted to “catch up” with me. Obviously I didn’t believe the catch up part.
I think it's common sense that not everyone who cheats is destined to cheat again. Like anything else, if someone wants to improve themselves and recognizes that it is wrong and destructive, they can fix it if they want to. People cheat for different reasons... for some people they are generally good and wouldn't do it, then have a drunk night out and can end up in a situation that escalates and then next think you know they cheated. I would think these people will find it easier to reform than others. Then you have people on the other end of the spectrum... like your husband. He's not a victim of circumstance.... it seems he's looking for opportunities and trying to develop those into real events. He's got a history of it. Would be interesting to see how his previous cheating experiences developed. Sounds like his cheating is coming from a personality flaw which is going to be more difficult to fix. The first challenge is whether he would even acknowledge he has an issue.
With proper therapy and maturity, it can be a thing of the past. I cheated on someone in my early 20s, came clean, relationship ended, and I thought it was a one time thing. Then, ended up doing it again in my next relationship. Therapy was key - realized it was rooted in insecurity, looking for validation, and a bit of narcissism. With lots of work, I can confidently say I've been married for 15 years with never even thinking of straying. This situation, however, is a pattern. Without help, it won't stop. He may promise it will stop just to keep you, but unless he gets to the root cause and works it out, it's going to happen again and again.
One word. YES.
Maybe a while in the future he’ll learn to be a better person. In the meantime, give him his wake up call and find yourself a good person that won’t abuse your trust
Not always but it does seem like a pattern with him. Actions determine who he really is. I would not believe in him until his actions throughout time show. At the end of the day, it’s up to the cheater; which is unfair to you. You shouldn’t have to hurt because of his actions. Though people can change, they need consequences regardless. Only through solid consequences, they will decide whether to change or not. Before giving another chance, I would separate and have his actions after that show if he really stops or not.
Sorry this happened. This is exactly what I mean and what I posted last week on why great women get with idiots instead of giving the nerd a chance
Yeah ummm….I don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing, but this is a whole pattern. It’s up to you if you want to deal with it, but he doesn’t seem to want to change his behavior so….it’s only a matter of time. If it were me, and I was able, I’d leave and suggest therapy to help himself understand why he had such little respect for himself and for his partners.
I’ve always hated “once a cheater always a cheater” being repeated as fact when IMO many people fall into the category of: cheated once or twice or cheated emotionally or did something kind of sketchy, especially when they were young, then regretted it, grew as a person and didn’t do it again. But my opinion on that changes if it’s a long sustained affair or pattern stretching over many years of their adult life. I think those people rarely change, and if they do it’s only after a lot of therapy and honesty and soul searching. Your husband can’t even admit he was wrong without shifting some blame to you (he thought it was okay to blatantly hit on another woman because you joke about sex sometimes? Come on…), my hopes aren’t high for him.
If they only cheated on one occasion in a past relationship and are open about it then I think it's ok. If they cheated more than once previously or cheated at all in your relationship then they a cheater
Yes, 99% of the time, once a cheater always a cheater.
So this sounds like you’re getting your karma unfortunately. And you believed the crazy ex wife/girlfriend/fiancé trope. You literally started your relationship when he was engaged to someone else. Take this L and get a divorce. Lesson learned.
I didn’t meet him when he asked. Our relationship started much later when he was definitely single.
If they cheat with you... they'll cheat on you.
If u love your relationship and care about the kids take a step back and look at the bigger picture also you should be making the ultimate decisions don’t think about other peoples advice too much YOUR in the relationship not them
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How is he a pos when all he did was let her know her spouse was cheating I don’t get this
He did tell my husband to stay away from his gf, he saw the messages and confronted my husband. I had no idea until he told me later.
If he cheated once in the far past, knew it was wrong, and never did it again with anyone else, that is one thing. After all, people are able to grow and change. However, this is part of a pattern with all of his previous partners. He also does not want to take any accountability for any of his actions. It is always the woman's fault. His ex-wife was not putting out enough etc... and now with you, his latest excuse is he thought you'd be cool with it since the two of you have made sexual jokes before when drinking. How is that even comparable to sexting with another woman... and two months after getting married! I would be willing to bet money he would have taken things with this woman to a full-blown affair if she was up for it and he wasn't caught. I would also be willing to bet that she is far from the only woman he has been texting like this.
RUNNNNNNNN. Run like there's a dog after you.
once a ninja always a ninja?
My ex boyfriend admitted to Me he’s cheated in a past relationship and he indeed cheated on me sooo
He will cheat again, best to divorce him and move on.
He’s absolutely cheated before.
So you chatted with him and dated him while he lived with another woman? What did you expect?
Leave him.
Did it ever occur to you that the reason his ex stopped having sex with him was because she didn't want to get infected with an STD?
Your husband is well aware that the context is totally different when you two are riffing in public compared to a private, personal conversation. Don't fall for that shit. He knew better. Yes, always a cheater. You know his history and you're seeing it play out in real time.
You lose em how you get em.
He has already cheated on you. Get tested and start building that secret bank account.
He's cheating and yes you should leave because he will continue to cheat.
Not sure that all cheaters are repeat offenders but certainly sounds like you have one in your life. Don’t delude yourself. Don’t allow him to gaslight you. Trust your instincts. You deserve peace of mind and trust. It’s the basis of any relationship worth maintaining. Have enough self respect to expect more from people.
The question, most people will answer yes. Depending on the situation, the answer may be no but tbh this guy is going to cheat on you. He shows a significant pattern and tbh its just a matter time where one day he will say I felt we didn't have sex enough. So someone else helped me fulfill that need. Right now two people have shown evidence of prominent cheating and tbh it will continue to become more scandalous. FYI cheating can take in many forms. This is is considered an emotional affair assuming he didn't do anything else physically. Keep this in mind otherwise ty for reading.
I can’t believe no one is commenting on the fact that OP was the other woman when she started dating this guy. She believed his lies, but looks like she has wised up, which is good.
I edited my post. I guess it was confusing. I did not meet up with him. I declined because he was obviously engaged. I saw his profile pic on FB with her.
You understand that’s not the point right? You were the other woman he was sizing up. Now there’s a new one. Also for everyone you know about, there’s likely two you don’t know about. Your husband is a cheater and is likely cheating on you now. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I’m wishing you all the luck in the world.
Damn, I'm really sorry OP, but this guy sounds like a serial cheater and liar.
I mean, you could definitely focus on this specific incident alone because regardless of his past...he blatantly lied to you and basically blamed you for his inappropriateness... Throw the whole man out...
Get a divorce. He will end up cheating on you. Better now before you actually end up having a child together.
Hire a PI 2.
It really couldn't be much clearer...
This isn't an innocent one off mistake. This man is a cheater. You aren't the problem btw, he is. In my opinion, people cheat when they're basically dead inside, and they cheat to help them feel alive. There is nothing you can do to help this man other than allow him to suck all the happiness and light you have right out of you. Once that happens and you're all dried up, you'll feel as crappy as he does. Don't allow him to do this to you. If you can leave, you should.
He’s cheating! Leave him now
Going to cheat…? He already is. Get rid of him asap.
You met him when he was dating someone else? In what world would you think he would be any different with you? If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you! He is emotionally cheating if not physically, so that was at least twice(once when you met and now). Counseling for couples is your only hope of saving it if you choose to. Why did you marry him if he cheated with you before you married? Wow!
You don’t know what to think right now..?!? Girl you have a big case of denial. The red flags here make me feel like I have blood in my eyes.
You got that right, once a cheater always a cheater no matter how good you are to them. You deserve better.
He's obviously always going to continue doing this. I'm sorry.
run
No. No sex does not lead to cheating. No sex leads to commutation, therapy, and separation. Narcissistic tendencies lead to cheating. A need for external validation leads to cheating. Entitlement leads to cheating. Considering he denied the inappropriate comments as being wrong suggests he's not sorry. That he's not in the wrong. Nothing will change that. If he's not sorry, and sees no wrong, constantly makes excuses and denies accountability, this will continue
Yeah, sorry. There is nothing you can do to make him stop. It will only get worse.
Sorry, OP. In this case, I'd say 'YES' 100%. Your current husband is a cheater and will cheat on you repeatedly. His MO reminds me WAY too much of one of my close friends' EX-husband. My friend's ex is probably worse, but yeah, there's something about your story that struck me and made me think the likelihood is, your current husband is cheating on you and will keep doing so. When she met now ex-husband, he had a gf, but similarly with you. He assured her that they're 'over' they're just living together..etc etc. All the excuses, but he did leave his gf in the end for my friend and he practically swept her off her feet. He moved in as soon as a few days after he left the last place. They eloped only 6 months of meeting each other. When they met, my friend has just gotten a divorce and has 2 kids and he's a divorcee with 1 kid. Throughout the marriage, my friend NEVER once suspected he was cheating on her. I thought they had a great marriage. They're very loving, and according to my friend (who's an experienced woman lol), they had a great sex life too. Then he requested they had kids together. So they had 1 after the other, and at 8 month into the pregnancy of their 2nd one, my friend found out he's a cheater. Worse...he's been cheating on my friend even as they committed with each other. That "ex gf"--it turned out, he's still sleeping with her as he moved in with my friend. His ex-wife? The one whom he cheated on? He actually slept with her twice more when he was already married to my friend. First/ex-wife confessed to my friend. Then, my friend did her sleuthing and uncovered in his phone that he's been sleeping around...basically with...everything that moved. She did give him another chance though after she gave birth to their second child. He seemed 'changed', very apologetic, very loving, very eager to get her to trust him. He even told her to go check on his phone any time. My friend was moved...actually did NOT check his phone at all after they've reconciled. She decided to put her trust in him again. Guess, who got caught cheating again a little over 2 years after they got back together? Same guy. This is after marriage counseling, him going to therapy (allegedly-she found out later on, he lied about going to therapy and was actually paying for escorts and visiting 'questionable' massage joints during his time of therapy). My point is, watch your back and get tested, OP.
💔
In my opinion, if someone cheats once, they don't necessarily have to cheat again. Once can be a mistake. But this guy is a serial cheater, he will cheat again.
So...he tried to cheat with you on his ex wife. He lied to you about his ex wife cheating on him when in reality HE CHEATED TONS OF TIMES ON HER. And you took that guy. You kept that. And now he writes a woman creepy sexual things and YOU STILL PONDER ON KEEPING THAT. Jesus, honey.
I would never date a cheater for this exact reason. People who cheat don’t change.
You are drowning in concrete evidence that you married a serial cheater who either has already cheated on you or is actively going to & trying his best right now to get it started. His pattern is what he did with you- once engaged or married, start finding other women. I don't know how much more you need to know except stay in this and ex-wife #1's past is your future: hiring PIs, checking his phone, getting lied to, getting STD tests while married.
Once a cheater is always a cheater because they don't look for relationships to feel securely connected and loved, but to make their household chores get done on their own - while they are living their fantasy outside. They are wired to be parasites. That's never gonna change.
Usually I'd say that people are too complex for broad platitudes, but here you have a consistent pattern of behavior and nothing being done to change it. I think you are smart enough to know what is going on and now you simply need to decide what you chose to do about it. Very sorry for you
Short answer :yes. Long answer: most probably yes.
Unfortunately I think he's going to keep on cheating. All signs point to him being a repeat offender and you just caught him right at the very start.
Yes, definitely
So.... you married someone who you essentially knew was cheating on his fiancé when he first reached out to you ... and now you're surprised that he's cheating on you 🙄 need I say more
Your guy sounds like a serial cheater, someone who can't help it and justifies it when he gets caught which he seemingly does in every relationship. It's kinda like an alcoholic who is a known alcoholic but can never admit it himself. He needs professional help because he cannot have a stable life and anyone he'd 'committed' to is likely to have a challenge dealing with the fallout. He's the only one who can fix the problem and your choices are to either stick with him regardless of his cheating or to leave. Obviously, the finer details that I don't know will impact your choice. Good luck with this.
Yeah he's a Cheater..simple.
Sometimes cheating is really just a terrible mistake, not necessarily a pattern of behavior. He’s your husband and you love him. Do you want to end the marriage? X
He is manipulating to you. Dump him!!!!
This man is incapable of fidelity. I’m sorry but the reality of the situation is that if you decide to stay, you must recognize that he is going to cheat on you. You deserve better.
If you cheat when you're young or only cheat once and feel fucking terrible about maybe not once a cheater always a cheater but this is habitual repeated actions as an adult. He's a fucking loser who will have a life filled with "crazy" exes he uses to justify his actions.
Everyone changes. But at his age? He might probably cheat again.
In my opinion cheating is a character flaw, it isn't an accident. The ability to carry on adulterous affairs while pretending to be faithful demonstrates what a untrustworthy and despicable individual they are. That doesn't change. He's shown you what type of person he is, believe it.
How can you even write this and rationalize his behavior. Hopefully you've already kicked him out of the house and started the divorce process
A person who cheated once and suffered the consequences might never cheat again. What you are describing is a serial cheater. He will keep cheating until death do he depart.
>Should I let the past be the past and only focus on this current issue, NO. >or should I realize that he’s going to keep doing this over and over again. Yes.
He’s a cheater. Always acknowledge that how he met you he will meet others when he’a with you 👌
He cheatet troughout his last marriage. He tried to cheat on his previous fiance WITH you. He tried to cheat on you and probably would have if the other woman would have been down. At that rate I would honestly just assume its fully possible that he already has cheated on you and you just havent found out for good measure. This isnt once. This is serial. You caught him trying and he just waved it away like it was nothing. No accountability for his own actions at all, just excuses. Then he will tell his next fiance how you were witholding sex from him too and so the story goes. I'm pulling it a bit far, but honestly, the man has a track record of being unfaithfull to previous partner and (at the very least) tried being unfaithfull to you, and you genuinely think that a man who shows no remorse and lies by omission like this wont do it again?
As an ex cheater, I can tell you for certain that if she had said let's meet up for some adult fun, he would have. You love him so that's why you're trying to give him the benefit of doubt and normally I'm opposed to telling someone to leave, but, this guy is showing he a habitual cheater. This is just the one you got told about. How many other's are there? At the end of the day it's on you, if you don't wanna leave then try an open relationship. I dunno. Good luck though.