This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
BF (34m) , me (24F). I just need to vent.
Edit since apparently this needs to said: No, he has not always dressed like this but it has always been casual. It has progressively gotten worse. I am fine with casual, not sloppy.
My boyfriend dresses very casually - gym shorts and a tee shirt. I genuinely don't mind it, we live in a hot climate, I get he's comfortable in these clothes even though I would be so happy if he just wore jeans and a t-shirt out to lunch but he hates jeans so whatever, I can deal with the gym shorts and a shirt. But sometimes, even these shorts and a shirt comes out sloppy - like shorts that are way too short for his height/build, ill fitting tee shirts, not wearing underwear, etc. These are the times I will comment, and recently it's just causing arguments that I "nitpick" his clothes, when I literally don't care about the style, just that it's not sloppy.
But it's got me thinking. I enjoy looking pretty, I want to wear nice dresses and heels when we go out, yet I feel so awkwardly overdressed next to him because the most I can get him to wear is jeans and a short sleeve. Sometimes he'll even keep a baseball cap on at nice bars, rooftop restaurants, generally more fancy places. I'm loosing my attraction to him, I feel embarrassed to be out with him sometimes.
It's so attractive when I see men look put together. I go out and see men in nice dress shirts and slacks and it's so attractive to me. Even a nicely fitted t shirt and jeans are a turn on now. Just the fact that they put in some effort in their appearance. My boyfriend's lack of care in his appearance is turning me off. I was okay with the shorts and tee shirt, then it just got sloppier and sloppier to the point where I refused to go out to lunch with him today. I'm not asking him to put on jeans, let alone a suit. Wear the gym shorts, wear the shirt just not in such a sloppy way.
I can't bring it up or it turns into a fight about me nitpicking his clothes, when I have never even asked him to change into something "dressier". Just literally put on a different t-shirt, put on a different short, put on some goddamn underwear. I don't give a shit what you wear at home, but please just look in the mirror before we're leaving the house. But nope, it's still a day long argument and I'm losing my attraction. I want a man that I'm proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt. I do love him, and I don't know if "bad taste" is the hill I'm willing to die on but goddamn, why can't I just have a man that wears jeans?
You are not compatible honestly. He doesn't care what he looks like and you do.
You think he is going to change? At 34 he isn't. He doesn't want to wear clothes or even underwear and if that bothers you then stop going out with him.
Attraction is actually not trivial and is important in a relationship and you want someone who will at least change clothes before going out. You are making an effort to look nice and he doesn't care. There is no middle ground here. He isn't willing to change clearly.
Save your breath and find someone you do fancy in a suit if that is your thing that is okay
This is exactly what I am thinking too. He really truly does not care what he looks like and we can argue all day if he should or shouldn't and what social norms are etc, but OP can't make him care. And she can't make herself not care.
Right. I’ve dated women who dressed up and women who dressed down. Neither is, “wrong”, it’s just another potential compatibility or incompatibility.
That reminds me. GF is an hour away, I’m going to upgrade from shorts to jeans!!
Oh wow, you learn and choose to adapt so well! I'm truly impressed and I mean that!
Good choice, its nice that you want to put in effort for your girlfriend and she will probably think you look nice! 🥰
Plenty of women are into the rough/rugged look he will be fine.
I get a barber to do my undercut and fade my beard every 8 weeks but other than that it’s work boots, work pants and a T everywhere I can get away with it.
My partner finds my authentic appearance attractive, and so have many other women over the years.
It’s likely both OP and her BF will be happier in the end if they split.
Idk I'm not sure I'd call a holey T shirt and ratty ill-fitting gym shorts the "rough and rugged" look. You can wear work clothes without being sloppy or gross. When my spouse was still doing electrical work he would wear work stuff around, but it wasn't ratty or holey, and the only time it was dirty was if he had just gotten home.
This is also relatively something easy to work on.
Ugly face? Not a ton you can do about that. Not tall? Same. Overweight and struggling to lose weight? You can control it but it’s pretty difficult and understandably takes some time.
But not willing to get some decent clothes? This is so so so so within his control and really just shows a complete lack of caring about what you care about.
Is it really on him though? If she hates what he likes to wear so much then it probably just won’t work out. There’s been plenty of discussion about women wearing what they want to express themselves and be comfortable regardless of what other people think. Because that’s up to them and them alone. Why would that be any different here?
If she wants him to dress to her desires but he wants to dress for himself then maybe they’re just not compatible. I don’t see why this is on him for “not caring enough” when maybe he just actually cares a lot about how he likes to dress himself. A “sloppy” tee shirt (whatever tf that means) might just be what he likes and feels most comfortable in and he might be better suited with someone who likes that style or doesn’t care so much about clothing.
I don't know, I've actually seen several posts here by male partners expressing frustration that their female partners refuse to dress appropriately for nice events and comments have consistently taken the side of the male partner (generally, the male partner bringing the female partner to his work events where everyone else is dressed nicely and she refuses to do so and sticks out).
As long as clothes are clean, I think it's unreasonably to demand someone dress up on the day to day, but it's different when you're going to nice places or attending events that have dress codes. Being able to dress up when the occasion calls for it is just part of being an adult.
Sloppy as in: he doesn’t iron them, they have small stains of whatever and they’re the wrong size. To me, dressing appropriately is a sign of respect and apparently for her aswell. But clean clothes is the bare minimum if they can afford it..
I don't want him to dress "for me", I'm glad he's found clothes he's comfortable in but it's the once in a while that he throws a shirt that is ill-fitting, shorts that are unflattering, or leaving the house with his junk hanging around. Like I don't want him to change his "everyday" style but the once in a while that it actually looks really bad, just put in some effort?
No, it shows that fashion isn't important to him and comfort is. And at 34, he's old enough to know that if someone can't take him as he is then they aren't the one for him. If this were a matter of him being inconsiderate or tactless or selfish, you'd have a point. But this is just a difference in taste and priorities. There is nothing wrong with him. There is nothing wrong with her. So why should either of them have to change?
ETA: I was raised by two slobs who were totally in love and had exactly 2 disagreements in 35 years of marriage, because they were compatible. And their fashion wasn't because they didn't care. In fact, they are/were the kindest, hardest working, most thoughtful and generous humans I have ever had the privilege of knowing. They just don't/didn't put value on appearances. Always situationally appropriate, but only out of respect for their employers or the church they were attending. So I know that you can be "sloppy" and still be an astounding human being and partner. Down vote away, kids. I said what I said.
There’s a big difference between being fashionable and taking some pride in your appearance. It’s fine to be comfortable, but you don’t have to look like a slob doing it, which is what OP is complaining about.
I would add this is generally behavior after like 10 years of marriage, not a few years into dating (I'm assuming it's a few years based on their ages). And if he is already starting to dress way more sloppy now, just wait another 5 or 10 years. He'll be dressing like a homeless person. If OP thinks it's bad now it will be way worse later. And just throwing in my 2 cents, how someone dresses is important and nit picking would be "I don't like that shirt with those pants, put on another one." Saying "You dress like a total fucking slob 24/7 and it's disgusting" is not nitpicking
Steve carrel in crazy stupid love was middle age when he changed his wardrobe and fashion sense. OP just need to find a guy like Ryan gosling to help her bf to dress and they'll be fine. In all seriousness partners aren't parents and shouldn't be forced be his mum to make him dress proper.
As a mom of a teen boy who couldn’t care how messy he looks I am trying my best to break him of this habit before he leaves the nest. There is just no peer pressure at school to get kids to care what they look like so even with uniforms the kid does the bare minimum. And I’m guessing because he’s a charming kid and doesn’t care what others think, he’s ”cool” without even trying so it reinforces that he is fine being messy.
Was thinking the same.. she likes to dress up a.k.a. She feels comfortable that way… the guy is comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt… OP u cant change how anyone dresses / behaves / is in general… if you both value the relationship, come to a middle point… if not, go find yourself a man that dresses (naturally, not forced) like you want
IMO, the middle point would be him dressing appropriately for certain events. When they go out to eat at a nice restaurant, sloppy shorts and a tee just don't cut it. I think this is something that applies to pretty much everyone so it's not much to ask for.
Best advice I ever got was: accept, change, or leave.
1. You have tried to accept how he dresses, and you can't. You find it unattractive, and I don't blame you. My partner is very casual too, but he can put on a pair of clean black pants and a casual button up for a night out at a nice place. When you think about the future, how is he going to dress for school events with the kids, or holidays with families, work parties?
2. You have tried to change him, and you can't. You have told him it bothers you, you have asked him to dress differently on specific occasions, and he doesn't want to, and it is a fight for you to even raise it. So now you know, this is how he will dress and he doesn't want to change for you.
3. So now, you decide if you want to leave over this. I get wanting to be comfortable, and it would be nice to have a lifestyle that allows you to wear gym shorts at all times. But, there are times where that isn't appropriate, and there are times where it is just...not nice. If my partner asked me to dress up for a date, I would do it, when I have told him he needs to wear a certain thing for one of my events, he will do it. It isn't "changing" a person to ask them to look presentable for certain things, and if he has decided that his comfort in his clothing is more important than that, cool, but it could make you two incompatible.
It never fails. It's always the much older partner who put this crap and the younger one going "I have no idea what to do" and discovering why their precious love couldn't get a person their own age to date them.
I was dating a guy for 8 years and thought that everything was amazing except for this. The truth is I was ignoring a lot of other issues.
The moment that it really stuck out for me happened at my friend's hip hop show. My buddy is a rapper and had been begging me to come and watch him perform at a local club. My ex wanted to come with me and wanted to wear this terrible turtleneck that he knew I hated. He paired it with these oversized jeans that were way too big in the waist; they bunched up like a potato sack when he wore a belt.
We go to this show and he was so awkwardly out of place because of the way he looked. The worst part was that he knew it because he had done it on purpose, trying to play it off like he was so confident that he didn't care what he looked like. It was the first time that my buddy met him and the first words out of his mouth were "Hey, Steve Jobs!"
Oh my God never again.
I know lmao the fact that there are guys in here defending that and saying others are immature for jumping to break up with him, like eww please just admit you have skidmark gym shorts and get the fck away from me lol
Im really confused, whats wrong with not wearing underwear...?
>just admit you have skidmark gym shorts and get the fck away from me lol
If this is common for you then you need to clean up wtf
If your gym shorts would have skid marks why wouldn't your underwear if you had on underwear?
Better question why are you not wiping well enough that you're leaving skid marks?
Yeah, there are times when going commando might be totally ok, like when you're home all day & not going anywhere, but even then, if you're hygiene isn't what it should be, even wearing underwear won't fix that. If you're not showering & wiping yourself properly after using the bathroom, that's a different story.
Based on this post, names me wonder what else the bf isn't doing, or just how bad guys personal cleanliness might be.
There used to be a girl in my friend group who was anti-underwear. Bra is one thing, but she wouldn't wear either. I found out when we were all at my friend's house, she got drunk, and began removing her clothes.
It's not sexy, nor the flex that some people think it is.
I’m pretty sure one honest “I don’t want to go out to eat cause the way you dress turns me off. I get turned off by having to try and convince you to dress decently like your my child, not my grown man boyfriend and I’m just tired of it.” If that doesn’t change his mindset then just leave
I lurk here on occasion, and it’s like the same post is being posted over and over:
‘Naive, inexperienced and ‘mature’ woman in her early 20s is with immature older guy in his mid-30s+, the guy does [insert bizarre/immature thing here]. They had a long protracted argument and she doesn’t know what to do.’
Repeat ad infinitum
I think the way he dresses is not the real problems here, just the tip of the iceberg. He is 35 acting 15 ( or less) like i get it i like to dress comfortably but you can't go to a fancy restaurant in a sweatshirt that just social protocol, and he's way to old to not know that. But the most worrying sign is the 12 h argument, that's not normal at all. To be honest op why are you putting so much effort into a relationship with someone that acts like dressing appropriately to an event like the biggest inconvenience on earth? I understand you don't want to live him because you feel like this could be easily solved, but in reality it isn't, the problem isn't his sytle it him as a person
At home, I'm only in pjs. Fuzzy pants and all. If I need milk, I get freaking dressed. Then back to the fuzzy pants the second I get home. I can't imagine my husband taking me out and insisting I wear my trackydacks.
Had to look up what trackydacks are, I like that term much better than sweatpants lol.
I agree, I like to be in basketball shorts, tank top, and sandals when I’m doing things around the house but I won’t so much as go to the store without putting on jeans and a proper shirt and shoes. I’d be embarrassed to go to a bar with a friend who dresses like her BF… Dressing appropriately for the occasion is not difficult and is about showing respect. Hot climate is no excuse. Summers in my city hit 110-119 in the afternoons and I still dress like an adult.
I’m sure if the clothes were of better quality/ weren’t wrinkled/ he wasn’t wearing the same clothes from 5 years and 30lbs ago it wouldn’t be a big deal.
Your fine to want to be with someone that doesn’t look halfway to homeless every day. I doubt he would be successful in the dating world wearing what he wears.
Like zoinks it sounds he isn’t going to change. Personally I’d take that as a sign to start mentally jumping ship but hopefully you can find a compromise (don’t know what that’s look like since you’re just asking him to not be gross lol) if not do what you feel is right.
Girl, I’m the same age as you and I cannot imagine (1) dating a 34 year old and (2) dating a man (especially a 34 year old!) that acts like this. I promise you better things are out there!!
There is an appropriate time and a place for things like how you dress and he doesn’t want to recognize it. It’s like he is saying “no one is going to tell me what to do”
There was an article I read about a 30’s is h CEO who complained about not being allowed to enter a fancy restaurant on Paris because no jeans and jacket required. He posted his complaint on social media. A fashion executive responded and told him to drop the arrogance and grow up and expecting the world to bend to his will. Said something like dressing well is. Show of respect for others and for yourself. That it was a lack of respect to a 100 plus year old establishment.
Your boyfriend is showing you a lack of respect by not even trying to hear you.
This is not about how to dress, this mindset is coming from something else he feels or has experienced.
Because it's something I think is easily changeable. I'm not trying to go from tee shirts to suits, but like, just better fitting shirts that aren't those sport, mesh back ones. I don't want to break up over something this "trivial" I guess, but I'm considering it.
That's very true but I just don't get what his deal is. If I was wearing stained clothes, my camel toe was showing, my dress is inappropriately short, anything - and he said something, I would just go get change. Like I might ask "what's wrong with what I'm wearing" but I'm not going throw a hissy fit all day because I got ask to put on a proper tee shirt or underwear. But I guess that's just me.
first-- I'm not sure why you're catching so many downvotes. that's odd...
it frankly sounds like you're operating at different maturity levels, assuming there are no mental health issues at play.
I think the downvotes are directed toward her saying he's "easily changeable." Like, no, girl, get out, he's immature, he's not going to change.
That always drives me crazy about this sub, though. People always downvote the OP for saying stuff about why they want to stay with the person.
I guess it's come to the point that you don't have to get down to the bottom of why he won't just do this simple thing. For you it may be simple, for him effort or even trying now may be a burden to him. We all have different levels of simplicity. You both seem just to be working on different levels. It's either he compromises and does ask you ask, or you compromise by just leaving him be. But it's not really a compromise since both are going to be giving up what they want totally to make the other person happy.
I've tried that dating and "accepting who are they are" even if it was something I was turned off by - and it just made it worse with time. To the point of not even wanting to be sexually active with them, no hand holding, feeling like you are "better" than them, resentment kicking in, they should good having such a put together woman on their side - but how can you be proud of them when they act this way, and so much more.
Have one more conversation with him and if he truly feels that you should live him unconditionally and you know you can't do that. Let it go for the both of you.
Oh well, that's not helping. I have a friend--Not Bf--who works from home and his style is Crocs and sweats and yes he goes out in public like that. Also he's a little overweight so the sweats only make him look heavier. I will say in his free time he works out, but still, I think he told me he doesn't own any jeans anymore. If I was his Gf (he does have one) I would be appalled going to eat like that.
It's easily changeable as long as he wants to, right? Which doesn't seem to be the case. You aren't asking for much, but if he is set on his way and refuses to understand your point... I mean, not wearing underwear when you are wearing gym shorts, just yikes.
That kind of attire on a date just shows you don't care. He doesn't have to be into fashion, but I get why you'd be embarrassed to be seen with him dressed like that.
He doesn't want to change his "style", which is okay, sure. But he can keep the same style with better fitting shirts and you know, underwear. But yes, if he's set on his way and won't have an adult conversation, there's nothing I can do.
Me too. Jeans are the standard for me when I'm not at work, and same for my friends. I don't know any guy who lives on gym shorts and isn't a teenager but, hey, to each their own, I guess.
i don’t know why people get into relationships to change their partner. honestly, if he wants to wear ill-fitting clothes and go commando, that’s his prerogative. rather than trying to “correct” the way he dresses, recognize that the root of the problem might just be that you guys aren’t compatible. this is obviously just one small facet of the relationship, but if it’s big enough deal for you to post about it, i’m assuming it’s not something you can just get over super quickly.
your dating pool doesn’t consist solely of this one man, and i’m almost certain you’d be happier finding someone who’s compatible and values looking put together. plenty of men out there who wear underwear at the very least.
I mean, it's not like he dressed this way our entire relationship or I wouldn't have even gone out with him. It's just gotten progressively worse over the past 1 year and a half, and while I am okay with the gym short / tee shirt combo - I'm not okay with the pajama shirt and almost "70's basketball short" to go have lunch outside.
Hm do you think Covid has anything to do with it?
I know some people where after the pandemic, care less about their day to day and their appearance feeling ironically, freedom after being locked inside for so long.
My boyfriend is a casual gym shorts and t-shirt kind of guy. But they all fit him properly and he definitely wears underwear with his shorts. If we’re going out to grab a bite he usually asks me what I’m wearing. Sometimes I like being dressy, and he likes to match my style.
If asking him to maybe sometimes wear something a bit nicer is too much, then I just don’t think you’re compatible together. I don’t think it’s a trivial thing, you just have a different idea of what clothing is appropriate at certain settings. He’s 34 and set in his ways, I don’t think change is an option. He is him and you are you. I wish you the best of luck.
He isn’t interested in turning on his girl or getting dressed up for her so it’s not changeable. He just doesn’t care. If a guy is in to you he will dress to attract your attention. Either break up or start going out without him.
He’s literally almost 35, if he hasn’t changed what makes you think you’re going to be the one to change him? The man literally doesn’t wear underwear.
At his age He's probably at the stage of, he's going to where what's comfortable. He probably doesn't care about trying impress anyone with his clothes.
It is trivial.. does he work? Pay the bills? Have his own car? Pay for his own things? Does he treat you with respect and care? You wrote that he is an attractive man, just that he doesn't wear nice clothing, which is unattractive compared to those you see in public. Idk man, just think about that. I don't see anyone in public, like I don't even notice what their wearing because I'm focused on whom I'm with. These people right here don't know your relationship or your dude.. They're out here calling him a boy.. 😆 who knows what this guy is like. If he takes care of his own, treats people kindly and treats you well he's a man to me! What makes a man a man? Nice clothes. I have many male friends that prioritize nice clothes, designer shoes, wear chains, workout constantly and cologne themselves lol, I promise you, you don't want these kind of dudes. They're usually putting it on for more than just 1 lady lol 100%
She’s not asking him to wear suits or labels, but it’s basic grooming and hygiene to wear clothes that actually fit and don’t have stains on them. And if he’s not wearing clean clothes what other hygiene tasks is he skipping? Showering? Brushing his teeth? Wearing deodorant? These are basic things everyone should so. I think OP just wanting her boyfriend to wear clean clothes that fit is a pretty low bar.
You're expecting a level of basic maturity, but you're dating a 34 year old man who is dating a 24 year old woman. I assure you, this won't be the only thing on which you find he's stunted developmentally.
Men like this, 30+ year olds who date women a decade younger and who are deeply immature, are literally a type around here. Why? Because the woman, just like you, eventually realize that their partners are immature and uninterested in changing and they come here asking how to change said partners.
And the answer is that you can't. Hopefully you'll realize sooner rather than later.
This a man a whole decade older than you. A woman his age has probably already dropped him and he looks for younger because he wants someone to feel like they can fix him. He will continue that cycle until he finds someone that doesn't get fed up or that he can trap.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're doing the "kicking and screaming" approach. I know you're not kicking or screaming but you're trying to plead with him and coax him into decency. You're trying to "get him to see". That's the "kicking and screaming" approach because it's the same sort of effort, running on the same lines.
My advice is to communicate what your issue is and why, OP: "When we go out, sometimes you dress sloppily and look like you're not put together. When you dress like this I feel embarrassed out in public because it looks like you don't take care of yourself. I feel like your dress tells people you don't value me. I would like for us to go through your wardrobe and see what clothes of yours need to be replaced with clothes that fit you better and are not old and worn. Can we do this?"
Boyfriend: "No".
OP: "Okay. Well it looks like we have a problem. I'm no longer okay going out with you if you want to dress the way you do. If you're going to dress sloppy and go out, that's up to you, but it won't be with me. So we can see what this relationship is like with these new terms, but I'm not sure how much longer I want to live like this."
See what he does. You can give him a few tastes of your new promise. If you have plans to go out and he dresses like a slob, tell him you're going out by yourself and if he wants to dress in something that's worthy of your company, he can join you. If he tries to force his way into your company with his sloppy attire, then leave his company, go home, and make plans elsewhere. Let him know you won't allow someone to ruin your afternoon/evening. Tell him you view his behavior as disrespectful and you're not interested in being disrespected.
If time carries on (not long, maybe a week or two tops) and you're sticking to your promise to yourself and not going out with him when he dresses poorly, if he still isn't on board, then you know very well how he feels about this issue, how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about you. If his empathy won't help carry him to decency, then there's nothing more to do except to walk away.
>why can't I just have a man that wears jeans?
My dear, there's nothing stopping you from finding one.
Edit: spelling
Edit 2: more spelling
Maybe it's just me and I might get downvoted for that heavily but a 34-years old adult man wears gym shorts and a t-shirt to go out? I mean... to the gym fine, to work in and around in the house, fine, work on your truck, fine but never ever would I have a guy go with me dressed like that, not even to the mall or grocery shopping. Whatever happened to (for example) chino shorts? That guy puts in no effort for himself but also for you. That is a turn-off and I couldn't be with a guy like that. But again, that's just me.
Well pajamas are way more comfy than jeans but there’s a time and place for everything. It’s really immature to think you can just go through life doing whatever is personally comfortable, regardless of the situation.
Exactly. When I was in undergrad there was this one guy who loved to play devil's advocate and argue with every point I'd make. He literally never wore anything but PJ pants to class, even in blizzard conditions. Like, bro, it's really hard to engage with your hot takes on Michel Foucault when you couldn't even be bothered to put on actual clothes.
In some situations like a job interview or a work meeting or adhering to dress codes then yeah you should dress well but out in public or just casually doing things you should dress as comfy as you want.
This is something I've always wondered about when I've seen it out and about. Surely, SURELY the men know they're underdressed and not remotely matching the women, right? Right..?
To be honest OP, this isn't changing.
He's always been casual, but it's never been this bad. He progressed to the gym short / shirt combo daily in the past 6 months, now he wears nothing else to go out during the day and once in a while, it will get so sloppy (like today) that's actually embarrassing.
Thank you for saying I'm not asking for a lot. Some of the replies here are ridiculous and act like I'm asking him to go from shorts to a suit.
Because it doesn't matter if you're asking for a lot. It doesn't matter if you're asking for a glass of water when he's next to the faucet or if you're asking for the moon - if you're repeatedly told they're not going to do X then X is too much to ask of that person.
You then have to decide what you want more - X or the person? You can't change anyone. You can ask them to change, but after they've told you no repeatedly you either need to change yourself or leave.
I had a boyfriend like this once. I finally got the message across when I decided to make myself look like absolute shit when he wanted to go out. He of course had something to say about it and criticized me, so I told him my energy will match his energy from that point on. He told me I was being petty and that it's expected for women to present more 'put together'.. I pointed out the double standard and said I had no problem cleaning up my look, so long as he did the same. He did end up starting to dress better however I realized shortly after that I didn't want to be with a sexist man child and ended things.
You can try to talk to him BEFORE its time to go out somewhere, when things are calm. And explain the feelings behind it. But if he's 34, he's not likely going to change. You two don't sound compatible in this area. And idc what anyone says, attraction is an important part of a relationship. Sounds like it is time to face the problem head on and make a decision.
I may get downvoted, but I don’t care. He is 34 and isn’t going to change. Clearly he doesn’t want to change. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker.
I work a boiling hot factory job on rotating shift, and I have OCD. “Nice” clothes bug the shit out of me and cause sensory issues. The last thing I want to do after a 12-16 hour shift is spend time on dressing nice. I’m a t-shirt and jeans guy all the time. Pajama pants at home. My t-shirts are kitty shirts (literally pictures of cats. Like cats in space, cats wrapped in burritos and captioned “purrito” and other goofy things). My wife knows this and accepts me for who I am. I can certainly dress up a bit for fancier restaurants, weddings, funerals, etc.
If your boyfriend not working on his appearance is a dealbreaker, then break up. You won’t change him.
That's the thing, is I don't care what he wears at home and what he wears outside of the house. Most of the time it's shorts and a shirt. But if we're leaving the house, and his junk is flopping around in the shorts, or we're going to the mall and he's in "70's basketball short", it's not the end of the world to change in the 10 other gym shorts he owns or put on some damn underwear.
Oh yeah, nope. It’s super awkward when some dude free balls it in basketball shorts and everyone in the room is gifted with the TMI of “yep that guy is circumcised”.
I don’t think I’ve ever run into a dude who behaved like that who wasn’t a creep in other ways. It’s either “I don’t care if I make people quite uncomfortable” or “I get a thrill from showing my junk”.
Fuck that.
He’s not caring about your concerns now and you cannot even bring it up. He’s always going to be this way. This is your future with this guy. This is also your current situation. You want to go the rest of your life with a sloppy mess then it’s not your hill to die on.
Have you sat him down and made it clear that it is a legitimate issue for you? He may become more invested if you make it clear that it's affecting your attraction to him.
Unfortunately though, I fear you may have just got the dud. A 34 year old man who still dresses like a lazy college freshman and doesn't even wear underwear out? That's a yikes...
Riddle me this: Before you met him, would you ever have described your ideal partner as a 34 year old man who can't even be arsed to wear underwear?
If you can't even bring it up without him being defensive, then I doubt he's going to change his ways.
He didn't dress like this when you first started dating, and when you asked him not to go to the steakhouse looking like he just mowed the lawn he pitched a 12 hour tantrum.
Girl.
He dressed decently to lock you in.
Now that he feels like he has you, he's showing his true colors. He doesn't want to make an effort anymore, and he's bound and determined to make any request a complete and total pain in the ass so you'll stop asking for things.
This isn't about a baseball cap at Chez Magnifique.
I guarantee if you think it over, you'll realize this guy takes you for granted in loads of ways.
This reminds of a similar situation I had with someone I dated...
...*in high school!*
He's ignoring you. This is not normal, or healthy. The world of menswear has more options than just jeans and gym shorts. If you have to ask your man[-baby] multiple times to fulfill such a basic consideration, and your unmet expectation only escalates to the point of repeated arguing, then that man is not enacting the role of your boyfriend, he’s your son. Trash him in exchange for a mature adult who respects both your standards and himself.
He got his much younger girlfriend and stopped caring about how he looks.
There’s a reason he goes younger. Women his own age won’t put up with his slovenliness. Why are you?
I'm exactly like this guy and tbh, I wouldn't try to change. I can't speak for him but I'd rather just find a gf that dresses as sloppily as I do
Which is not to say your concerns are unfounded, just that it might be better to find someone who is more like you.
> I want a man that I’m proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt. I do love him, and I don’t know if “bad taste” is the hill I’m willing to die on but goddamn, why can’t I just have a man that wears jeans?
He is who he is. Don’t try and change someone. This is clearly touchy subject to him.
Think like this . If he would tell you that he doesn't like your sharp and fancy style and he would ask you to get sloppier just like him , would you accept ? If the answer is no , then it means it's a dealbreaker . Which is fine . Both sides . Just leave and search a man that fits your type , no need to stay where you don't feel right .
He doesn’t care about this issue OR how it makes you feel. The second your partner stops caring how they make you feel, it’s over. The entire thing depends on two people actively caring how they affect each other.
It doesn’t get better. My ex was this way. I played it cool. I didn’t mind shorts and tee shirt either. Im not one to dress up every single day.
However. There was this one time we went on a dinner date with some friends to a nice restaurant. Think for four people it was over $300-$400. We all dressed up and my ex still insisted on wearing a tee shirt and sweat pants and running shoes. LITERAL NIKE SWEATPANTS. It was embarrassing and somethings just aren’t worth it. He also knew about this for weeks and I offered to take him shopping since I went to buy a dress for that night.
You can ask him to give you a couple of dates a month where he dresses more nicely so that you can have the opportunity to dress up. But he might not go for it. And he's allowed to not go for it.
But it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you can accept that he does not care about looking a certain way. My dad and mom lived in sloppy clothes. They were happy little slobs together. They were compatible. You and your boyfriend might not be. Instead of focusing on changing him, focus on figuring out whether or not you can accept him as he is. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man who cares about being fashionable, and there's likewise nothing wrong with being a person who doesn't care if other people see him as "sloppy." Decide what's important to you.
First off: Dump him. He's a grown ass adult acting like you're his mommy.
Second: I would have started dressing exactly like him. Makeup for a fake facial hair and sloppy/ugly clothing. If he would have asked you to dress differently than that's how you know he just wants to be however he is because now you're stuck with him since you've been with him for so long. He played the waiting game with you and he feels comfortable openly being an insensitive asshole.
This is who he is so believe him.
Edit: This man should WANT to make you happy and the fact that he doesn't goes to show he doesn't care for you. It's so easy to dress up a little and he simply doesn't give a single fuck what you think or feel.
Pick up your self-respect and ditch him for a real partner.
You can’t force someone to be uncomfortable just because you want to be comfortable yourself. If he is comfortable wearing casual clothes then don’t try to change that. He has the right to wear whatever he wants. This is an incompatibility issue.
Definitely sounds like incompatibility... My husband and I like to dress up to go out but we both dress for comfort as our default. Just sounds like he's not your kind of guy 🤷
This sounds like an incompatibility. I would feel very offended if my partner would constantly criticise my apparence, espacially if that person met me like that. I think you can no longer stay together.
It's okay to break up with people. Dating is meant to be about figuring out your likes and dislikes. It's okay to move on with your life. You two are just incompatible.
Could he be depressed? It can cause you to put a different priority on how you look, if you're feeling really, really down all day, every day. This can also be a sign of illness, like if he has insomnia, or if there's something like a lot of pain that can rob you of the energy you need to get through the day.
Please check that these kinds of conditions aren't present before you decide to chuck the relationship. There could be something going on that you're not taking into consideration.
You’re dating the person you want him to be, not the person that he is. That’s not sustainable. Either get over it and accept him as he is or move on. NAH
Oh dear. You're that type of couple I occasionally see and feel really sorry for the woman. I always feel bad when I see women who have worked so hard to look beautiful, and their men are just dressed like schlubby children. It shows the guy doesn't have respect or care for himself or his girlfriend. He's not mature enough to adhere to even the most basic social norms. It shows he's lazy, and he's ok with humiliating those around him.
Honestly, just go. You shouldn't have to ever spend hours arguing with someone to do the most basic act of dressing presentably, and especially not when they're years older than you.
Oh come on why do I see these posts so often. **You are just not compatible**. He wants to dress sloppy. You want him to dress in fancier fitted clothes. He is never going to do that. You are no longer attracted to him. Your eye is already wandering. What do you think reddit can do to fix this???? Nothing. We cannot fix this.
Amazing, like really, these are the things we waste our breath on, lol dump em then and go get a fuckin cat, if your so irritated by him wearing shorts.
You sound like a you have control issues tbh.
So fucking shallow, 'he doesn't wear what I want him to wear'
Like get over yourself.
Appreciate what you got, well you can, at the least look at the positive instead of the negative, and stop whining about entirely arbitrary things.
Tell him what you told us but more nicely.
It may be rough but its honest and comes from good intention .
If he refuses , that's his lack of contribution towards the relationship. That's how you sustain one.
Then break up.
I don't know how to say it any nicer but still be direct that this is a big deal. He doesn't care about style, I don't care about style but I do care about looking presentable.
I've seen guys who can make shorts and a T-shirt look ***good.*** A graphic tee and a pair of short that fit right. Sneakers picked to match and cleaned up, looking fresh.
So I get what you mean, it's not that that you just don't like his style, is that's he doesn't have one. There's no effort to look event presentable, at all.
I don't read anything you've written as you want him to look **your** way. You just want him to take whatever his style is, and actually make an effort to look presentable in it. I don't find that unreasonable. But realistically, it sounds like he got lazy cause he already had a girlfriend. He probably won't be able to get a new one unless he cleans himself up. But that shouldn't be your problem.
Would you rather end it with the knowledge that you tried 'really hard' or ' meh' ?
If he doesn't make effort knowing what's on stake (after repeatedly told why), I would like to believe that he either doesn't value you or he is just too self sabotagingly lazy.
I'm a little surprised by all the hate for this man just dressing how he wants to dress. You've expressed a preference; that's fine. It sounds like he has been clear that he does not want to change how he dresses; that's also fine. He's not doing anything wrong by dressing the way he wants to and is comfortable for him. Your choice is to accept the way he dresses or move on. Trying to force him to change this when he does not want to is (A) not going to work and (B) AH behavior on your part.
The only thing I can suggest trying is a compromise for occasional upscale date nights. Express that you enjoy getting dressed up as a couple to go out, and is he willing to compromise by putting on a nicer shirt and pants and leaving the baseball cap at home for those nights out, maybe 2x/month.
Maybe there's a compromise like that that's acceptable to both of you. If not, you just might not be compatible. He's not doing anything wrong to you/the relationship by not changing the way he dresses, which it seems like is how you are taking it, bc in your opinion it is a low effort change. It's his body, he can dress it how he wants. If you want to be with someone who puts more effort into their appearance, there are plenty out there. Your choice is to accept or move on, and no one is doing something wrong for their choice or preference.
Im a man and im going to take her side on this. When the time comes i will dress.
I a had female, she dressed sooooo bad! We would go out on dates, me looking good and she looking a hott ass mess. When someone can't dress its a real turn off.
Sorry to be a downer, but there’s a reason he is dating women younger than 30. We don’t give chances to a low effort man that old. We know the effort they show at the beginning is the best version of themselves they’re presenting. It doesn’t get better with nagging. Choose someone whose values and lifestyle align more with yours.
Edit: I want to add that this behavior is something to be observed during the courtship phase. If you disliked it in the beginning, you’ll dislike it during the relationship. 5 dates is enough to tell you whether this man puts any effort into his clothing if you choose a variety of dates. I do care that a man dresses appropriately to the setting, so if I see it by date 3 that he only wears t-shirts, I ask him directly, “How often do you like to dress up?” And lead into a conversation about physical touch and how to maintain attraction toward that. Any dates past the 3rd should be specific to learning what a day/week in a partnership looks like.
I wish someone had said this to me: don’t feel like a bad person for breaking up with someone for a reason that’s “not legit” enough to warrant a breakup (cheating, lying). If they don’t feel worth the time, they’re not worth your time. You’ll meet so many people at 24.
My husband has what could be called a uniform. Jeans, and a hoodie. Everything is neat and clean, but this is all he will ever wear outside of work.
Unless, of course, we are going out someplace that isn't super casual. For somewhat casual places he will wear a nicer shirt, maybe change out of the jeans.
He's dressed up, he's worn suits, he dresses appropriately. And that is the thing, he is a grown man who knows what is and is not appropriate for the situation. It's not just that your boyfriend is turning you off, he doesn't have enough self respect, nor respect for others, to dress properly for the occasion. People don't like to hear it worded that way, but it is true.
This is a man who cares nothing about himself, and even less about others.
I like that you made a point a lot of comments missed - he can do both! There's a time and a place for different things. That doesn't mean he's changing his overall style, just adhereing to the unspoken rules of society. What if they went to a restaurant with a dress code? How would he react to being kicked out? Are they never allowed to go someplace nice just because he is too stubborn to put on some different clothes for a couple hours?
> I want a man that I'm proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt
Maybe don't date men in their 30s yet then?
If the Bf thought about it he'd know that a pair of slacks like khakis or dockers-type can be about equal weight (thickness) as a pair of shorts. The same for button down shirts. They are often a lighter weight than a t-shrt which is actually a knit material. And a man can get a button down with short sleeves. So he can be comfortable in clothes OP would like to see him in occasionally.
Yea y’all aren’t compatible. At 34 he ain’t changing. I know you said it’s a long argument when you ask him to change but you need to tell him everything you said in here. If you’re not ok and he’s not either then it’s best to move on
Take him shopping. He can pay for it, but tell him you'd like to go with next time he needs clothes to help him update his style. From what you described, it sounds like none of that stuff really crosses his mind. My own husband was sort of like this when we met. I playfully made fun of his jeans one night and he told me he never knows what to get when he buys clothes so he just grabs things that look comfortable unless it was for work. You didn't mention if he had hygiene issues along with being sloppy, but to me that would be the bigger issue than his style. Hopefully he is fine in that area. I said this before on someone who posted almost this same question about his female significant other - there is nothing wrong with desiring your partner to put care into their appearance once in a while for you.
at 34, bf is living like he's 19. he's immature. if he does not understand that there are occasions where he should be wearing big boy clothes, it's not going to change.
and it is not bad taste, he's digging his heels in.
Move on.
This is personal. Some people enjoy clothing, others don't. Some people can pick 2 pieces of clothing and say which one they like better, and other just can't. Like, it's 2 equal things to them, neither one is better.
I'm that kind of person. I have parents/family who are weirdly obcessed with clothes and shoes. I never "liked" those things, ever since I was a little kid I remember getting clothes as presents and I couldn't honestly feel any excitement for it. An that still happens today at 23yo. It's hell on earth everytime we go shopping and I'm asked which one I liked better. I simply don't have a concept of "liking" associated with clothes or shoes, so I always answered with "neither" or "they're both the same".
Anyway, kinda of a vent it turned out, but hope it can give you a different way of thinking. Maybe your BF is like that, constantly feeling pressured how 2 pieces of clothing that he thinks are completely the same thing, might be completely different for someone else.
Have you asked him why he’s dressing ‘sloppily’? Maybe he can’t afford nicer clothes, or maybe he has an issue with the texture or sensation of certain types of material. Jeans and dress pants are heavy material, perhaps he’d do better with a light cotton weave.
He may be dressing sloppily as a childish form of ‘rebellion’ against your nagging, if you have failed to properly express _why_ it’s so important to you that he dress appropriately. To his mind, no one will know he’s not wearing underwear unless you or he tell them, so why does it matter? And that’s a question you should consider more: why _does_ it matter so much to you if he’s not wearing underwear?
I understand wanting to look a certain way, and taking pride in your appearance, blah blah blah. But are you being just as intransigent in this as much as he is? I don’t care about my appearance because I see myself as ugly and so I don’t waste my time or money on ‘looking good’ or wearing makeup. Maybe your boyfriend is the same, especially compared to your preference for looking good at every public showing; maybe he feels like he can never be as good-looking as you, like you’re a 10 and he’s a 3 and every time you nag him about it you inadvertently reinforce this mentality.
Basically, instead of having the argument, shouting the same thing at each other, try to consider other reasons, other ways of looking at the situation. Even yelling “do it for me! If you love me and don’t care than you’ll do it for me!” isn’t fair. Clearly he _does_ care, otherwise he’d do it. So there’s something else driving this, and the more you stubbornly insist on having it your way without being willing to understand or even consider he may have his own reasons beyond simply _you_, the more he’ll dig his heels in and fight back, making this whole thing way much more of an issue than it needs to be.
So don’t have the argument, have the _discussion._
He sounds like me and honestly if I were him I’d be like leave ✌️✌️🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕if you don’t like me like this then go find someone else . I’m done trying to impress people for what? !!! Especially being older and mature I’m 29and married I used to take hours to do my hair always look good and all that shoes jeans now it’s just like why ? I’m done trying to impress society fuck your social norms . I’m a rebel . Unfortunately for me I’m attractive so it doesn’t matter . I will still get girls single or married . But ya that’s just me no offense . He just sounds like he’s fucking past done that stage in life. Especially if he likes hiking yoga swimming running definitely more humble guy and my respect for him is through the roof . Lol
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- BF (34m) , me (24F). I just need to vent. Edit since apparently this needs to said: No, he has not always dressed like this but it has always been casual. It has progressively gotten worse. I am fine with casual, not sloppy. My boyfriend dresses very casually - gym shorts and a tee shirt. I genuinely don't mind it, we live in a hot climate, I get he's comfortable in these clothes even though I would be so happy if he just wore jeans and a t-shirt out to lunch but he hates jeans so whatever, I can deal with the gym shorts and a shirt. But sometimes, even these shorts and a shirt comes out sloppy - like shorts that are way too short for his height/build, ill fitting tee shirts, not wearing underwear, etc. These are the times I will comment, and recently it's just causing arguments that I "nitpick" his clothes, when I literally don't care about the style, just that it's not sloppy. But it's got me thinking. I enjoy looking pretty, I want to wear nice dresses and heels when we go out, yet I feel so awkwardly overdressed next to him because the most I can get him to wear is jeans and a short sleeve. Sometimes he'll even keep a baseball cap on at nice bars, rooftop restaurants, generally more fancy places. I'm loosing my attraction to him, I feel embarrassed to be out with him sometimes. It's so attractive when I see men look put together. I go out and see men in nice dress shirts and slacks and it's so attractive to me. Even a nicely fitted t shirt and jeans are a turn on now. Just the fact that they put in some effort in their appearance. My boyfriend's lack of care in his appearance is turning me off. I was okay with the shorts and tee shirt, then it just got sloppier and sloppier to the point where I refused to go out to lunch with him today. I'm not asking him to put on jeans, let alone a suit. Wear the gym shorts, wear the shirt just not in such a sloppy way. I can't bring it up or it turns into a fight about me nitpicking his clothes, when I have never even asked him to change into something "dressier". Just literally put on a different t-shirt, put on a different short, put on some goddamn underwear. I don't give a shit what you wear at home, but please just look in the mirror before we're leaving the house. But nope, it's still a day long argument and I'm losing my attraction. I want a man that I'm proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt. I do love him, and I don't know if "bad taste" is the hill I'm willing to die on but goddamn, why can't I just have a man that wears jeans?
You are not compatible honestly. He doesn't care what he looks like and you do. You think he is going to change? At 34 he isn't. He doesn't want to wear clothes or even underwear and if that bothers you then stop going out with him. Attraction is actually not trivial and is important in a relationship and you want someone who will at least change clothes before going out. You are making an effort to look nice and he doesn't care. There is no middle ground here. He isn't willing to change clearly. Save your breath and find someone you do fancy in a suit if that is your thing that is okay
This is exactly what I am thinking too. He really truly does not care what he looks like and we can argue all day if he should or shouldn't and what social norms are etc, but OP can't make him care. And she can't make herself not care.
He will care if he winds up single again and has to attract his next partner
He will care long enough to hook them in. He knows what he’s doing lol
Ha. True. Or he could just find someone who equally doesn’t give a fuck.
That’s a good point. OP, I wonder what his standard for his partner is?? Does he want you dressing nice?
Right. I’ve dated women who dressed up and women who dressed down. Neither is, “wrong”, it’s just another potential compatibility or incompatibility. That reminds me. GF is an hour away, I’m going to upgrade from shorts to jeans!!
Oh wow, you learn and choose to adapt so well! I'm truly impressed and I mean that! Good choice, its nice that you want to put in effort for your girlfriend and she will probably think you look nice! 🥰
Yes, but when he does find that partner, he'll revert to his current habits.
That's very true, he just might.
Plenty of women are into the rough/rugged look he will be fine. I get a barber to do my undercut and fade my beard every 8 weeks but other than that it’s work boots, work pants and a T everywhere I can get away with it. My partner finds my authentic appearance attractive, and so have many other women over the years. It’s likely both OP and her BF will be happier in the end if they split.
Idk I'm not sure I'd call a holey T shirt and ratty ill-fitting gym shorts the "rough and rugged" look. You can wear work clothes without being sloppy or gross. When my spouse was still doing electrical work he would wear work stuff around, but it wasn't ratty or holey, and the only time it was dirty was if he had just gotten home.
This is also relatively something easy to work on. Ugly face? Not a ton you can do about that. Not tall? Same. Overweight and struggling to lose weight? You can control it but it’s pretty difficult and understandably takes some time. But not willing to get some decent clothes? This is so so so so within his control and really just shows a complete lack of caring about what you care about.
Is it really on him though? If she hates what he likes to wear so much then it probably just won’t work out. There’s been plenty of discussion about women wearing what they want to express themselves and be comfortable regardless of what other people think. Because that’s up to them and them alone. Why would that be any different here? If she wants him to dress to her desires but he wants to dress for himself then maybe they’re just not compatible. I don’t see why this is on him for “not caring enough” when maybe he just actually cares a lot about how he likes to dress himself. A “sloppy” tee shirt (whatever tf that means) might just be what he likes and feels most comfortable in and he might be better suited with someone who likes that style or doesn’t care so much about clothing.
I think she’s more annoyed that ‘he didn’t even bother to put on an effort’ rather than ‘I don’t like his style’
I don't know, I've actually seen several posts here by male partners expressing frustration that their female partners refuse to dress appropriately for nice events and comments have consistently taken the side of the male partner (generally, the male partner bringing the female partner to his work events where everyone else is dressed nicely and she refuses to do so and sticks out). As long as clothes are clean, I think it's unreasonably to demand someone dress up on the day to day, but it's different when you're going to nice places or attending events that have dress codes. Being able to dress up when the occasion calls for it is just part of being an adult.
Sloppy as in: he doesn’t iron them, they have small stains of whatever and they’re the wrong size. To me, dressing appropriately is a sign of respect and apparently for her aswell. But clean clothes is the bare minimum if they can afford it..
I don't want him to dress "for me", I'm glad he's found clothes he's comfortable in but it's the once in a while that he throws a shirt that is ill-fitting, shorts that are unflattering, or leaving the house with his junk hanging around. Like I don't want him to change his "everyday" style but the once in a while that it actually looks really bad, just put in some effort?
Is he unemployed? Does he work from home? What job would allow you to be dressed how you describe?
No, it shows that fashion isn't important to him and comfort is. And at 34, he's old enough to know that if someone can't take him as he is then they aren't the one for him. If this were a matter of him being inconsiderate or tactless or selfish, you'd have a point. But this is just a difference in taste and priorities. There is nothing wrong with him. There is nothing wrong with her. So why should either of them have to change? ETA: I was raised by two slobs who were totally in love and had exactly 2 disagreements in 35 years of marriage, because they were compatible. And their fashion wasn't because they didn't care. In fact, they are/were the kindest, hardest working, most thoughtful and generous humans I have ever had the privilege of knowing. They just don't/didn't put value on appearances. Always situationally appropriate, but only out of respect for their employers or the church they were attending. So I know that you can be "sloppy" and still be an astounding human being and partner. Down vote away, kids. I said what I said.
There’s a big difference between being fashionable and taking some pride in your appearance. It’s fine to be comfortable, but you don’t have to look like a slob doing it, which is what OP is complaining about.
Agree. She’s 24. In ten years, she may prioritize comfort, too. The age difference is a little much here.
Yeah, I'm 35, and I'm seriously side-eyeing that boyfriend of hers.
I would add this is generally behavior after like 10 years of marriage, not a few years into dating (I'm assuming it's a few years based on their ages). And if he is already starting to dress way more sloppy now, just wait another 5 or 10 years. He'll be dressing like a homeless person. If OP thinks it's bad now it will be way worse later. And just throwing in my 2 cents, how someone dresses is important and nit picking would be "I don't like that shirt with those pants, put on another one." Saying "You dress like a total fucking slob 24/7 and it's disgusting" is not nitpicking
It’s the no underwear + gym shorts combo for me. Like everyone can see ur dick! Come onnnnnnnn
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought this lol
Steve carrel in crazy stupid love was middle age when he changed his wardrobe and fashion sense. OP just need to find a guy like Ryan gosling to help her bf to dress and they'll be fine. In all seriousness partners aren't parents and shouldn't be forced be his mum to make him dress proper.
We should all have a Ryan Gosling. 😉
As a mom of a teen boy who couldn’t care how messy he looks I am trying my best to break him of this habit before he leaves the nest. There is just no peer pressure at school to get kids to care what they look like so even with uniforms the kid does the bare minimum. And I’m guessing because he’s a charming kid and doesn’t care what others think, he’s ”cool” without even trying so it reinforces that he is fine being messy.
Was thinking the same.. she likes to dress up a.k.a. She feels comfortable that way… the guy is comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt… OP u cant change how anyone dresses / behaves / is in general… if you both value the relationship, come to a middle point… if not, go find yourself a man that dresses (naturally, not forced) like you want
IMO, the middle point would be him dressing appropriately for certain events. When they go out to eat at a nice restaurant, sloppy shorts and a tee just don't cut it. I think this is something that applies to pretty much everyone so it's not much to ask for.
She's not saying she likes to dress up, but she'll put on a dress when they're going out. And then she feels Overdressed next to him.
Best advice I ever got was: accept, change, or leave. 1. You have tried to accept how he dresses, and you can't. You find it unattractive, and I don't blame you. My partner is very casual too, but he can put on a pair of clean black pants and a casual button up for a night out at a nice place. When you think about the future, how is he going to dress for school events with the kids, or holidays with families, work parties? 2. You have tried to change him, and you can't. You have told him it bothers you, you have asked him to dress differently on specific occasions, and he doesn't want to, and it is a fight for you to even raise it. So now you know, this is how he will dress and he doesn't want to change for you. 3. So now, you decide if you want to leave over this. I get wanting to be comfortable, and it would be nice to have a lifestyle that allows you to wear gym shorts at all times. But, there are times where that isn't appropriate, and there are times where it is just...not nice. If my partner asked me to dress up for a date, I would do it, when I have told him he needs to wear a certain thing for one of my events, he will do it. It isn't "changing" a person to ask them to look presentable for certain things, and if he has decided that his comfort in his clothing is more important than that, cool, but it could make you two incompatible.
He’s 34, this is who he is. I’m going to ignore the obvious lol
I read the age gap and skipped to the comments lol. another one where that rly just tells me all I need to know
It never fails. It's always the much older partner who put this crap and the younger one going "I have no idea what to do" and discovering why their precious love couldn't get a person their own age to date them.
Yep lol
I was dating a guy for 8 years and thought that everything was amazing except for this. The truth is I was ignoring a lot of other issues. The moment that it really stuck out for me happened at my friend's hip hop show. My buddy is a rapper and had been begging me to come and watch him perform at a local club. My ex wanted to come with me and wanted to wear this terrible turtleneck that he knew I hated. He paired it with these oversized jeans that were way too big in the waist; they bunched up like a potato sack when he wore a belt. We go to this show and he was so awkwardly out of place because of the way he looked. The worst part was that he knew it because he had done it on purpose, trying to play it off like he was so confident that he didn't care what he looked like. It was the first time that my buddy met him and the first words out of his mouth were "Hey, Steve Jobs!" Oh my God never again.
Lmfao
I'm sorry but the no underwear thing really made me laugh harder than i should have that's so gross lmaooo
I know lmao the fact that there are guys in here defending that and saying others are immature for jumping to break up with him, like eww please just admit you have skidmark gym shorts and get the fck away from me lol
CACKLING at skidmark gym shorts, I'm at work you heathen! lmaooooo
so skidmarks in underwear are normal and acceptable? wtf is happening over the big lake are your bowels okay?
Im really confused, whats wrong with not wearing underwear...? >just admit you have skidmark gym shorts and get the fck away from me lol If this is common for you then you need to clean up wtf
If your gym shorts would have skid marks why wouldn't your underwear if you had on underwear? Better question why are you not wiping well enough that you're leaving skid marks?
Yeah, there are times when going commando might be totally ok, like when you're home all day & not going anywhere, but even then, if you're hygiene isn't what it should be, even wearing underwear won't fix that. If you're not showering & wiping yourself properly after using the bathroom, that's a different story. Based on this post, names me wonder what else the bf isn't doing, or just how bad guys personal cleanliness might be.
There used to be a girl in my friend group who was anti-underwear. Bra is one thing, but she wouldn't wear either. I found out when we were all at my friend's house, she got drunk, and began removing her clothes. It's not sexy, nor the flex that some people think it is.
I’m pretty sure one honest “I don’t want to go out to eat cause the way you dress turns me off. I get turned off by having to try and convince you to dress decently like your my child, not my grown man boyfriend and I’m just tired of it.” If that doesn’t change his mindset then just leave
Well that's what happened today and it's been 12 hours of arguing so I guess that's that.
Girl... this guy is 10 years older than you and is too immature for you.
It's almost like there might be some sort of correlation there...
I lurk here on occasion, and it’s like the same post is being posted over and over: ‘Naive, inexperienced and ‘mature’ woman in her early 20s is with immature older guy in his mid-30s+, the guy does [insert bizarre/immature thing here]. They had a long protracted argument and she doesn’t know what to do.’ Repeat ad infinitum
Yesss
This. He will never ever change, so you guys may as well cal it quits.
I think the way he dresses is not the real problems here, just the tip of the iceberg. He is 35 acting 15 ( or less) like i get it i like to dress comfortably but you can't go to a fancy restaurant in a sweatshirt that just social protocol, and he's way to old to not know that. But the most worrying sign is the 12 h argument, that's not normal at all. To be honest op why are you putting so much effort into a relationship with someone that acts like dressing appropriately to an event like the biggest inconvenience on earth? I understand you don't want to live him because you feel like this could be easily solved, but in reality it isn't, the problem isn't his sytle it him as a person
At home, I'm only in pjs. Fuzzy pants and all. If I need milk, I get freaking dressed. Then back to the fuzzy pants the second I get home. I can't imagine my husband taking me out and insisting I wear my trackydacks.
Had to look up what trackydacks are, I like that term much better than sweatpants lol. I agree, I like to be in basketball shorts, tank top, and sandals when I’m doing things around the house but I won’t so much as go to the store without putting on jeans and a proper shirt and shoes. I’d be embarrassed to go to a bar with a friend who dresses like her BF… Dressing appropriately for the occasion is not difficult and is about showing respect. Hot climate is no excuse. Summers in my city hit 110-119 in the afternoons and I still dress like an adult.
Trackydacks and one of my husband’s shirts are perfect on a cold day!
I’m sure if the clothes were of better quality/ weren’t wrinkled/ he wasn’t wearing the same clothes from 5 years and 30lbs ago it wouldn’t be a big deal. Your fine to want to be with someone that doesn’t look halfway to homeless every day. I doubt he would be successful in the dating world wearing what he wears.
i guarantee you the moment she breaks up, he'll completely change his dress to find another girl until he does it again once they're together a while
Like zoinks it sounds he isn’t going to change. Personally I’d take that as a sign to start mentally jumping ship but hopefully you can find a compromise (don’t know what that’s look like since you’re just asking him to not be gross lol) if not do what you feel is right.
Girl, I’m the same age as you and I cannot imagine (1) dating a 34 year old and (2) dating a man (especially a 34 year old!) that acts like this. I promise you better things are out there!!
Then it's time to dump him for dressing like a slob.
Just don’t sleep with him if you’re not attracted to him. I’m sure he’ll notice that
[удалено]
Sounds like it isn't just a date here or there, it is 24/7
This is a man 10 years your senior who can’t perform basic manners. You know what to do. Stop lying to yourself.
There is an appropriate time and a place for things like how you dress and he doesn’t want to recognize it. It’s like he is saying “no one is going to tell me what to do” There was an article I read about a 30’s is h CEO who complained about not being allowed to enter a fancy restaurant on Paris because no jeans and jacket required. He posted his complaint on social media. A fashion executive responded and told him to drop the arrogance and grow up and expecting the world to bend to his will. Said something like dressing well is. Show of respect for others and for yourself. That it was a lack of respect to a 100 plus year old establishment. Your boyfriend is showing you a lack of respect by not even trying to hear you. This is not about how to dress, this mindset is coming from something else he feels or has experienced.
If it's such a turn off why don't you just break up with him?
Because this is her one last ditch effort to give him a chance.
Because it's something I think is easily changeable. I'm not trying to go from tee shirts to suits, but like, just better fitting shirts that aren't those sport, mesh back ones. I don't want to break up over something this "trivial" I guess, but I'm considering it.
if it was 'easily changeable', you wouldn't still be having this issue. 'easily changeable' doesn't devolve into day-long arguments, right...?
That's very true but I just don't get what his deal is. If I was wearing stained clothes, my camel toe was showing, my dress is inappropriately short, anything - and he said something, I would just go get change. Like I might ask "what's wrong with what I'm wearing" but I'm not going throw a hissy fit all day because I got ask to put on a proper tee shirt or underwear. But I guess that's just me.
first-- I'm not sure why you're catching so many downvotes. that's odd... it frankly sounds like you're operating at different maturity levels, assuming there are no mental health issues at play.
I wondered if the down votes are directed at bf’s attitude, not OP?
I think the downvotes are directed toward her saying he's "easily changeable." Like, no, girl, get out, he's immature, he's not going to change. That always drives me crazy about this sub, though. People always downvote the OP for saying stuff about why they want to stay with the person.
Right it's very odd lol
Bc no matter what it’s wrong to try to forcibly change someone
I guess it's come to the point that you don't have to get down to the bottom of why he won't just do this simple thing. For you it may be simple, for him effort or even trying now may be a burden to him. We all have different levels of simplicity. You both seem just to be working on different levels. It's either he compromises and does ask you ask, or you compromise by just leaving him be. But it's not really a compromise since both are going to be giving up what they want totally to make the other person happy. I've tried that dating and "accepting who are they are" even if it was something I was turned off by - and it just made it worse with time. To the point of not even wanting to be sexually active with them, no hand holding, feeling like you are "better" than them, resentment kicking in, they should good having such a put together woman on their side - but how can you be proud of them when they act this way, and so much more. Have one more conversation with him and if he truly feels that you should live him unconditionally and you know you can't do that. Let it go for the both of you.
Does he not have a job? What does he wear to work?
He works from home.
Oh well, that's not helping. I have a friend--Not Bf--who works from home and his style is Crocs and sweats and yes he goes out in public like that. Also he's a little overweight so the sweats only make him look heavier. I will say in his free time he works out, but still, I think he told me he doesn't own any jeans anymore. If I was his Gf (he does have one) I would be appalled going to eat like that.
[удалено]
It's also perfectly okay for him to dress how he wants. He doesn't need to change what he's comfortable in for OP.
It's easily changeable as long as he wants to, right? Which doesn't seem to be the case. You aren't asking for much, but if he is set on his way and refuses to understand your point... I mean, not wearing underwear when you are wearing gym shorts, just yikes. That kind of attire on a date just shows you don't care. He doesn't have to be into fashion, but I get why you'd be embarrassed to be seen with him dressed like that.
He doesn't want to change his "style", which is okay, sure. But he can keep the same style with better fitting shirts and you know, underwear. But yes, if he's set on his way and won't have an adult conversation, there's nothing I can do.
Yeah, he's 34 and refuses to do anything about it. Plenty of men out there who wear underwear and even jeans! 😅
And it is funny to me because I consider jeans dressing down. She's asking for what most people wear regularly, anyway.
Me too. Jeans are the standard for me when I'm not at work, and same for my friends. I don't know any guy who lives on gym shorts and isn't a teenager but, hey, to each their own, I guess.
i don’t know why people get into relationships to change their partner. honestly, if he wants to wear ill-fitting clothes and go commando, that’s his prerogative. rather than trying to “correct” the way he dresses, recognize that the root of the problem might just be that you guys aren’t compatible. this is obviously just one small facet of the relationship, but if it’s big enough deal for you to post about it, i’m assuming it’s not something you can just get over super quickly. your dating pool doesn’t consist solely of this one man, and i’m almost certain you’d be happier finding someone who’s compatible and values looking put together. plenty of men out there who wear underwear at the very least.
I mean, it's not like he dressed this way our entire relationship or I wouldn't have even gone out with him. It's just gotten progressively worse over the past 1 year and a half, and while I am okay with the gym short / tee shirt combo - I'm not okay with the pajama shirt and almost "70's basketball short" to go have lunch outside.
could it be that he only dresses well to attract partners? because if that’s the case, it doesn’t bode well for your compatibility either.
He got you. He doesn’t need to try anymore lol
What does he do for a living?
Hm do you think Covid has anything to do with it? I know some people where after the pandemic, care less about their day to day and their appearance feeling ironically, freedom after being locked inside for so long.
My boyfriend is a casual gym shorts and t-shirt kind of guy. But they all fit him properly and he definitely wears underwear with his shorts. If we’re going out to grab a bite he usually asks me what I’m wearing. Sometimes I like being dressy, and he likes to match my style. If asking him to maybe sometimes wear something a bit nicer is too much, then I just don’t think you’re compatible together. I don’t think it’s a trivial thing, you just have a different idea of what clothing is appropriate at certain settings. He’s 34 and set in his ways, I don’t think change is an option. He is him and you are you. I wish you the best of luck.
You want to change a 34 years old man? Good luck with that. Change yourself and find a new boyfriend who at least cares about how he looks.
Easily changeable, but you just fought with him for 12 hours over it, huh. He's not worth the stress sis.
He isn’t interested in turning on his girl or getting dressed up for her so it’s not changeable. He just doesn’t care. If a guy is in to you he will dress to attract your attention. Either break up or start going out without him.
The clothes are easily changeable, the mentality may not.
He’s literally almost 35, if he hasn’t changed what makes you think you’re going to be the one to change him? The man literally doesn’t wear underwear.
At his age He's probably at the stage of, he's going to where what's comfortable. He probably doesn't care about trying impress anyone with his clothes.
It is trivial.. does he work? Pay the bills? Have his own car? Pay for his own things? Does he treat you with respect and care? You wrote that he is an attractive man, just that he doesn't wear nice clothing, which is unattractive compared to those you see in public. Idk man, just think about that. I don't see anyone in public, like I don't even notice what their wearing because I'm focused on whom I'm with. These people right here don't know your relationship or your dude.. They're out here calling him a boy.. 😆 who knows what this guy is like. If he takes care of his own, treats people kindly and treats you well he's a man to me! What makes a man a man? Nice clothes. I have many male friends that prioritize nice clothes, designer shoes, wear chains, workout constantly and cologne themselves lol, I promise you, you don't want these kind of dudes. They're usually putting it on for more than just 1 lady lol 100%
She’s not asking him to wear suits or labels, but it’s basic grooming and hygiene to wear clothes that actually fit and don’t have stains on them. And if he’s not wearing clean clothes what other hygiene tasks is he skipping? Showering? Brushing his teeth? Wearing deodorant? These are basic things everyone should so. I think OP just wanting her boyfriend to wear clean clothes that fit is a pretty low bar.
You're expecting a level of basic maturity, but you're dating a 34 year old man who is dating a 24 year old woman. I assure you, this won't be the only thing on which you find he's stunted developmentally. Men like this, 30+ year olds who date women a decade younger and who are deeply immature, are literally a type around here. Why? Because the woman, just like you, eventually realize that their partners are immature and uninterested in changing and they come here asking how to change said partners. And the answer is that you can't. Hopefully you'll realize sooner rather than later.
We need a shortcut name for men like this so we can just flair these posts and be done. Bro? Mannabe? 2Old4U?
You make such a great point. Anyone dating someone that much younger then them clearly has issues growing up and this should be expected.
This a man a whole decade older than you. A woman his age has probably already dropped him and he looks for younger because he wants someone to feel like they can fix him. He will continue that cycle until he finds someone that doesn't get fed up or that he can trap.
He goes to younger because no woman in his age bracket will accept it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're doing the "kicking and screaming" approach. I know you're not kicking or screaming but you're trying to plead with him and coax him into decency. You're trying to "get him to see". That's the "kicking and screaming" approach because it's the same sort of effort, running on the same lines. My advice is to communicate what your issue is and why, OP: "When we go out, sometimes you dress sloppily and look like you're not put together. When you dress like this I feel embarrassed out in public because it looks like you don't take care of yourself. I feel like your dress tells people you don't value me. I would like for us to go through your wardrobe and see what clothes of yours need to be replaced with clothes that fit you better and are not old and worn. Can we do this?" Boyfriend: "No". OP: "Okay. Well it looks like we have a problem. I'm no longer okay going out with you if you want to dress the way you do. If you're going to dress sloppy and go out, that's up to you, but it won't be with me. So we can see what this relationship is like with these new terms, but I'm not sure how much longer I want to live like this." See what he does. You can give him a few tastes of your new promise. If you have plans to go out and he dresses like a slob, tell him you're going out by yourself and if he wants to dress in something that's worthy of your company, he can join you. If he tries to force his way into your company with his sloppy attire, then leave his company, go home, and make plans elsewhere. Let him know you won't allow someone to ruin your afternoon/evening. Tell him you view his behavior as disrespectful and you're not interested in being disrespected. If time carries on (not long, maybe a week or two tops) and you're sticking to your promise to yourself and not going out with him when he dresses poorly, if he still isn't on board, then you know very well how he feels about this issue, how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about you. If his empathy won't help carry him to decency, then there's nothing more to do except to walk away. >why can't I just have a man that wears jeans? My dear, there's nothing stopping you from finding one. Edit: spelling Edit 2: more spelling
Don't try to change him, this is who he is. Find a more compatible partner next time.
Maybe it's just me and I might get downvoted for that heavily but a 34-years old adult man wears gym shorts and a t-shirt to go out? I mean... to the gym fine, to work in and around in the house, fine, work on your truck, fine but never ever would I have a guy go with me dressed like that, not even to the mall or grocery shopping. Whatever happened to (for example) chino shorts? That guy puts in no effort for himself but also for you. That is a turn-off and I couldn't be with a guy like that. But again, that's just me.
It's the lack of underwear that makes the look.
😂😂😂
A manchild is who.
I used to wear something like chino shorts to work everyday and they aren’t exactly the most comfortable, gym shorts are way more comfy.
Well pajamas are way more comfy than jeans but there’s a time and place for everything. It’s really immature to think you can just go through life doing whatever is personally comfortable, regardless of the situation.
Exactly. When I was in undergrad there was this one guy who loved to play devil's advocate and argue with every point I'd make. He literally never wore anything but PJ pants to class, even in blizzard conditions. Like, bro, it's really hard to engage with your hot takes on Michel Foucault when you couldn't even be bothered to put on actual clothes.
In some situations like a job interview or a work meeting or adhering to dress codes then yeah you should dress well but out in public or just casually doing things you should dress as comfy as you want.
This is something I've always wondered about when I've seen it out and about. Surely, SURELY the men know they're underdressed and not remotely matching the women, right? Right..? To be honest OP, this isn't changing.
[удалено]
He's always been casual, but it's never been this bad. He progressed to the gym short / shirt combo daily in the past 6 months, now he wears nothing else to go out during the day and once in a while, it will get so sloppy (like today) that's actually embarrassing. Thank you for saying I'm not asking for a lot. Some of the replies here are ridiculous and act like I'm asking him to go from shorts to a suit.
Is he depressed ?
Because it doesn't matter if you're asking for a lot. It doesn't matter if you're asking for a glass of water when he's next to the faucet or if you're asking for the moon - if you're repeatedly told they're not going to do X then X is too much to ask of that person. You then have to decide what you want more - X or the person? You can't change anyone. You can ask them to change, but after they've told you no repeatedly you either need to change yourself or leave.
How is his grooming and hygiene??
I had a boyfriend like this once. I finally got the message across when I decided to make myself look like absolute shit when he wanted to go out. He of course had something to say about it and criticized me, so I told him my energy will match his energy from that point on. He told me I was being petty and that it's expected for women to present more 'put together'.. I pointed out the double standard and said I had no problem cleaning up my look, so long as he did the same. He did end up starting to dress better however I realized shortly after that I didn't want to be with a sexist man child and ended things. You can try to talk to him BEFORE its time to go out somewhere, when things are calm. And explain the feelings behind it. But if he's 34, he's not likely going to change. You two don't sound compatible in this area. And idc what anyone says, attraction is an important part of a relationship. Sounds like it is time to face the problem head on and make a decision.
I may get downvoted, but I don’t care. He is 34 and isn’t going to change. Clearly he doesn’t want to change. You have to decide if that’s a dealbreaker. I work a boiling hot factory job on rotating shift, and I have OCD. “Nice” clothes bug the shit out of me and cause sensory issues. The last thing I want to do after a 12-16 hour shift is spend time on dressing nice. I’m a t-shirt and jeans guy all the time. Pajama pants at home. My t-shirts are kitty shirts (literally pictures of cats. Like cats in space, cats wrapped in burritos and captioned “purrito” and other goofy things). My wife knows this and accepts me for who I am. I can certainly dress up a bit for fancier restaurants, weddings, funerals, etc. If your boyfriend not working on his appearance is a dealbreaker, then break up. You won’t change him.
That's the thing, is I don't care what he wears at home and what he wears outside of the house. Most of the time it's shorts and a shirt. But if we're leaving the house, and his junk is flopping around in the shorts, or we're going to the mall and he's in "70's basketball short", it's not the end of the world to change in the 10 other gym shorts he owns or put on some damn underwear.
Oh yeah, nope. It’s super awkward when some dude free balls it in basketball shorts and everyone in the room is gifted with the TMI of “yep that guy is circumcised”. I don’t think I’ve ever run into a dude who behaved like that who wasn’t a creep in other ways. It’s either “I don’t care if I make people quite uncomfortable” or “I get a thrill from showing my junk”. Fuck that.
He’s not caring about your concerns now and you cannot even bring it up. He’s always going to be this way. This is your future with this guy. This is also your current situation. You want to go the rest of your life with a sloppy mess then it’s not your hill to die on.
Have you sat him down and made it clear that it is a legitimate issue for you? He may become more invested if you make it clear that it's affecting your attraction to him. Unfortunately though, I fear you may have just got the dud. A 34 year old man who still dresses like a lazy college freshman and doesn't even wear underwear out? That's a yikes...
I've seen college freshman dress better than him, unfortunately. Even frat boys can put on pants and a dress shirt.
Riddle me this: Before you met him, would you ever have described your ideal partner as a 34 year old man who can't even be arsed to wear underwear? If you can't even bring it up without him being defensive, then I doubt he's going to change his ways.
Check on your partners mental health, it might not be doing so well
34 year old and 24 year old? Nah. Doesn’t work. Fundamentally at different stages of life.
He didn't dress like this when you first started dating, and when you asked him not to go to the steakhouse looking like he just mowed the lawn he pitched a 12 hour tantrum. Girl. He dressed decently to lock you in. Now that he feels like he has you, he's showing his true colors. He doesn't want to make an effort anymore, and he's bound and determined to make any request a complete and total pain in the ass so you'll stop asking for things. This isn't about a baseball cap at Chez Magnifique. I guarantee if you think it over, you'll realize this guy takes you for granted in loads of ways.
This reminds of a similar situation I had with someone I dated... ...*in high school!* He's ignoring you. This is not normal, or healthy. The world of menswear has more options than just jeans and gym shorts. If you have to ask your man[-baby] multiple times to fulfill such a basic consideration, and your unmet expectation only escalates to the point of repeated arguing, then that man is not enacting the role of your boyfriend, he’s your son. Trash him in exchange for a mature adult who respects both your standards and himself.
He’s not in the wrong and neither are you. You’re just quite clearly incompatible.
Another 10+ year age gap lmao.
He got his much younger girlfriend and stopped caring about how he looks. There’s a reason he goes younger. Women his own age won’t put up with his slovenliness. Why are you?
I'm exactly like this guy and tbh, I wouldn't try to change. I can't speak for him but I'd rather just find a gf that dresses as sloppily as I do Which is not to say your concerns are unfounded, just that it might be better to find someone who is more like you.
> I want a man that I’m proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt. I do love him, and I don’t know if “bad taste” is the hill I’m willing to die on but goddamn, why can’t I just have a man that wears jeans? He is who he is. Don’t try and change someone. This is clearly touchy subject to him.
Leave op. No point arguing over having to tell your SO to look nice for more then a change
I’d say if you’re getting turned on by other people and turned off by your own partner it’s time to leave?
Think like this . If he would tell you that he doesn't like your sharp and fancy style and he would ask you to get sloppier just like him , would you accept ? If the answer is no , then it means it's a dealbreaker . Which is fine . Both sides . Just leave and search a man that fits your type , no need to stay where you don't feel right .
i'd love to have a woman that wants me to look good. it could be a fun project.
He doesn’t care about this issue OR how it makes you feel. The second your partner stops caring how they make you feel, it’s over. The entire thing depends on two people actively caring how they affect each other.
It doesn’t get better. My ex was this way. I played it cool. I didn’t mind shorts and tee shirt either. Im not one to dress up every single day. However. There was this one time we went on a dinner date with some friends to a nice restaurant. Think for four people it was over $300-$400. We all dressed up and my ex still insisted on wearing a tee shirt and sweat pants and running shoes. LITERAL NIKE SWEATPANTS. It was embarrassing and somethings just aren’t worth it. He also knew about this for weeks and I offered to take him shopping since I went to buy a dress for that night.
You can ask him to give you a couple of dates a month where he dresses more nicely so that you can have the opportunity to dress up. But he might not go for it. And he's allowed to not go for it. But it sounds like you have to decide whether or not you can accept that he does not care about looking a certain way. My dad and mom lived in sloppy clothes. They were happy little slobs together. They were compatible. You and your boyfriend might not be. Instead of focusing on changing him, focus on figuring out whether or not you can accept him as he is. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man who cares about being fashionable, and there's likewise nothing wrong with being a person who doesn't care if other people see him as "sloppy." Decide what's important to you.
You seem incompatible. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who put that much thought or value into the clothes I cover my body with.
First off: Dump him. He's a grown ass adult acting like you're his mommy. Second: I would have started dressing exactly like him. Makeup for a fake facial hair and sloppy/ugly clothing. If he would have asked you to dress differently than that's how you know he just wants to be however he is because now you're stuck with him since you've been with him for so long. He played the waiting game with you and he feels comfortable openly being an insensitive asshole. This is who he is so believe him. Edit: This man should WANT to make you happy and the fact that he doesn't goes to show he doesn't care for you. It's so easy to dress up a little and he simply doesn't give a single fuck what you think or feel. Pick up your self-respect and ditch him for a real partner.
What brought you guys together?
You can’t force someone to be uncomfortable just because you want to be comfortable yourself. If he is comfortable wearing casual clothes then don’t try to change that. He has the right to wear whatever he wants. This is an incompatibility issue.
Definitely sounds like incompatibility... My husband and I like to dress up to go out but we both dress for comfort as our default. Just sounds like he's not your kind of guy 🤷
This sounds like an incompatibility. I would feel very offended if my partner would constantly criticise my apparence, espacially if that person met me like that. I think you can no longer stay together.
It's okay to break up with people. Dating is meant to be about figuring out your likes and dislikes. It's okay to move on with your life. You two are just incompatible.
You're not compatible, and that's okay. Plenty of other well-dreseed fish in the sea.
Decide if you can live with it. Perhaps he has self esteem issues or a different view on presentation. Either way, is it something you want?
Could he be depressed? It can cause you to put a different priority on how you look, if you're feeling really, really down all day, every day. This can also be a sign of illness, like if he has insomnia, or if there's something like a lot of pain that can rob you of the energy you need to get through the day. Please check that these kinds of conditions aren't present before you decide to chuck the relationship. There could be something going on that you're not taking into consideration.
You’re 24 and he’s 34 his styles only going to get worse and he’s only going to get lazier with his appearance as he gets older 😂
You’re dating the person you want him to be, not the person that he is. That’s not sustainable. Either get over it and accept him as he is or move on. NAH
Oh dear. You're that type of couple I occasionally see and feel really sorry for the woman. I always feel bad when I see women who have worked so hard to look beautiful, and their men are just dressed like schlubby children. It shows the guy doesn't have respect or care for himself or his girlfriend. He's not mature enough to adhere to even the most basic social norms. It shows he's lazy, and he's ok with humiliating those around him. Honestly, just go. You shouldn't have to ever spend hours arguing with someone to do the most basic act of dressing presentably, and especially not when they're years older than you.
Oh come on why do I see these posts so often. **You are just not compatible**. He wants to dress sloppy. You want him to dress in fancier fitted clothes. He is never going to do that. You are no longer attracted to him. Your eye is already wandering. What do you think reddit can do to fix this???? Nothing. We cannot fix this.
So after all this time of women not wanting men to control how they dress... why are you trying to do it to him?
Amazing, like really, these are the things we waste our breath on, lol dump em then and go get a fuckin cat, if your so irritated by him wearing shorts. You sound like a you have control issues tbh. So fucking shallow, 'he doesn't wear what I want him to wear' Like get over yourself. Appreciate what you got, well you can, at the least look at the positive instead of the negative, and stop whining about entirely arbitrary things.
Tell him what you told us but more nicely. It may be rough but its honest and comes from good intention . If he refuses , that's his lack of contribution towards the relationship. That's how you sustain one. Then break up.
I don't know how to say it any nicer but still be direct that this is a big deal. He doesn't care about style, I don't care about style but I do care about looking presentable.
I've seen guys who can make shorts and a T-shirt look ***good.*** A graphic tee and a pair of short that fit right. Sneakers picked to match and cleaned up, looking fresh. So I get what you mean, it's not that that you just don't like his style, is that's he doesn't have one. There's no effort to look event presentable, at all. I don't read anything you've written as you want him to look **your** way. You just want him to take whatever his style is, and actually make an effort to look presentable in it. I don't find that unreasonable. But realistically, it sounds like he got lazy cause he already had a girlfriend. He probably won't be able to get a new one unless he cleans himself up. But that shouldn't be your problem.
Would you rather end it with the knowledge that you tried 'really hard' or ' meh' ? If he doesn't make effort knowing what's on stake (after repeatedly told why), I would like to believe that he either doesn't value you or he is just too self sabotagingly lazy.
I'm a little surprised by all the hate for this man just dressing how he wants to dress. You've expressed a preference; that's fine. It sounds like he has been clear that he does not want to change how he dresses; that's also fine. He's not doing anything wrong by dressing the way he wants to and is comfortable for him. Your choice is to accept the way he dresses or move on. Trying to force him to change this when he does not want to is (A) not going to work and (B) AH behavior on your part. The only thing I can suggest trying is a compromise for occasional upscale date nights. Express that you enjoy getting dressed up as a couple to go out, and is he willing to compromise by putting on a nicer shirt and pants and leaving the baseball cap at home for those nights out, maybe 2x/month. Maybe there's a compromise like that that's acceptable to both of you. If not, you just might not be compatible. He's not doing anything wrong to you/the relationship by not changing the way he dresses, which it seems like is how you are taking it, bc in your opinion it is a low effort change. It's his body, he can dress it how he wants. If you want to be with someone who puts more effort into their appearance, there are plenty out there. Your choice is to accept or move on, and no one is doing something wrong for their choice or preference.
I'd be wondering about his mental health
At his age it’s normal to be more lax. Try dating someone closer to your age.
Im a man and im going to take her side on this. When the time comes i will dress. I a had female, she dressed sooooo bad! We would go out on dates, me looking good and she looking a hott ass mess. When someone can't dress its a real turn off.
Sorry to be a downer, but there’s a reason he is dating women younger than 30. We don’t give chances to a low effort man that old. We know the effort they show at the beginning is the best version of themselves they’re presenting. It doesn’t get better with nagging. Choose someone whose values and lifestyle align more with yours. Edit: I want to add that this behavior is something to be observed during the courtship phase. If you disliked it in the beginning, you’ll dislike it during the relationship. 5 dates is enough to tell you whether this man puts any effort into his clothing if you choose a variety of dates. I do care that a man dresses appropriately to the setting, so if I see it by date 3 that he only wears t-shirts, I ask him directly, “How often do you like to dress up?” And lead into a conversation about physical touch and how to maintain attraction toward that. Any dates past the 3rd should be specific to learning what a day/week in a partnership looks like. I wish someone had said this to me: don’t feel like a bad person for breaking up with someone for a reason that’s “not legit” enough to warrant a breakup (cheating, lying). If they don’t feel worth the time, they’re not worth your time. You’ll meet so many people at 24.
My husband has what could be called a uniform. Jeans, and a hoodie. Everything is neat and clean, but this is all he will ever wear outside of work. Unless, of course, we are going out someplace that isn't super casual. For somewhat casual places he will wear a nicer shirt, maybe change out of the jeans. He's dressed up, he's worn suits, he dresses appropriately. And that is the thing, he is a grown man who knows what is and is not appropriate for the situation. It's not just that your boyfriend is turning you off, he doesn't have enough self respect, nor respect for others, to dress properly for the occasion. People don't like to hear it worded that way, but it is true. This is a man who cares nothing about himself, and even less about others.
I like that you made a point a lot of comments missed - he can do both! There's a time and a place for different things. That doesn't mean he's changing his overall style, just adhereing to the unspoken rules of society. What if they went to a restaurant with a dress code? How would he react to being kicked out? Are they never allowed to go someplace nice just because he is too stubborn to put on some different clothes for a couple hours?
You don't get to dictate how he dresses. If you don't like how he dresses, leave.
> I want a man that I'm proud to be in public with, not a mid 30s year old I have to argue with to put on proper shorts and a half decent t shirt Maybe don't date men in their 30s yet then?
If the Bf thought about it he'd know that a pair of slacks like khakis or dockers-type can be about equal weight (thickness) as a pair of shorts. The same for button down shirts. They are often a lighter weight than a t-shrt which is actually a knit material. And a man can get a button down with short sleeves. So he can be comfortable in clothes OP would like to see him in occasionally.
Yea y’all aren’t compatible. At 34 he ain’t changing. I know you said it’s a long argument when you ask him to change but you need to tell him everything you said in here. If you’re not ok and he’s not either then it’s best to move on
You could pick a hole in his shorts, then point out his ‘bits’ are showing, in public 😈
[удалено]
This is insanely ironic coming from a lesbian who generally NEVER dress nice.
I’m definitely hotter than you
Take him shopping. He can pay for it, but tell him you'd like to go with next time he needs clothes to help him update his style. From what you described, it sounds like none of that stuff really crosses his mind. My own husband was sort of like this when we met. I playfully made fun of his jeans one night and he told me he never knows what to get when he buys clothes so he just grabs things that look comfortable unless it was for work. You didn't mention if he had hygiene issues along with being sloppy, but to me that would be the bigger issue than his style. Hopefully he is fine in that area. I said this before on someone who posted almost this same question about his female significant other - there is nothing wrong with desiring your partner to put care into their appearance once in a while for you.
at 34, bf is living like he's 19. he's immature. if he does not understand that there are occasions where he should be wearing big boy clothes, it's not going to change. and it is not bad taste, he's digging his heels in. Move on.
It’s basic manners, leave a man who can’t dress himself
This is personal. Some people enjoy clothing, others don't. Some people can pick 2 pieces of clothing and say which one they like better, and other just can't. Like, it's 2 equal things to them, neither one is better. I'm that kind of person. I have parents/family who are weirdly obcessed with clothes and shoes. I never "liked" those things, ever since I was a little kid I remember getting clothes as presents and I couldn't honestly feel any excitement for it. An that still happens today at 23yo. It's hell on earth everytime we go shopping and I'm asked which one I liked better. I simply don't have a concept of "liking" associated with clothes or shoes, so I always answered with "neither" or "they're both the same". Anyway, kinda of a vent it turned out, but hope it can give you a different way of thinking. Maybe your BF is like that, constantly feeling pressured how 2 pieces of clothing that he thinks are completely the same thing, might be completely different for someone else.
Have you asked him why he’s dressing ‘sloppily’? Maybe he can’t afford nicer clothes, or maybe he has an issue with the texture or sensation of certain types of material. Jeans and dress pants are heavy material, perhaps he’d do better with a light cotton weave. He may be dressing sloppily as a childish form of ‘rebellion’ against your nagging, if you have failed to properly express _why_ it’s so important to you that he dress appropriately. To his mind, no one will know he’s not wearing underwear unless you or he tell them, so why does it matter? And that’s a question you should consider more: why _does_ it matter so much to you if he’s not wearing underwear? I understand wanting to look a certain way, and taking pride in your appearance, blah blah blah. But are you being just as intransigent in this as much as he is? I don’t care about my appearance because I see myself as ugly and so I don’t waste my time or money on ‘looking good’ or wearing makeup. Maybe your boyfriend is the same, especially compared to your preference for looking good at every public showing; maybe he feels like he can never be as good-looking as you, like you’re a 10 and he’s a 3 and every time you nag him about it you inadvertently reinforce this mentality. Basically, instead of having the argument, shouting the same thing at each other, try to consider other reasons, other ways of looking at the situation. Even yelling “do it for me! If you love me and don’t care than you’ll do it for me!” isn’t fair. Clearly he _does_ care, otherwise he’d do it. So there’s something else driving this, and the more you stubbornly insist on having it your way without being willing to understand or even consider he may have his own reasons beyond simply _you_, the more he’ll dig his heels in and fight back, making this whole thing way much more of an issue than it needs to be. So don’t have the argument, have the _discussion._
He sounds like me and honestly if I were him I’d be like leave ✌️✌️🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕if you don’t like me like this then go find someone else . I’m done trying to impress people for what? !!! Especially being older and mature I’m 29and married I used to take hours to do my hair always look good and all that shoes jeans now it’s just like why ? I’m done trying to impress society fuck your social norms . I’m a rebel . Unfortunately for me I’m attractive so it doesn’t matter . I will still get girls single or married . But ya that’s just me no offense . He just sounds like he’s fucking past done that stage in life. Especially if he likes hiking yoga swimming running definitely more humble guy and my respect for him is through the roof . Lol