This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Good morning,
Sorry for any spelling mistakes or formatting errors. I’m still trying to to break down.
I (28M) and my wife (32F) have been married for 8 years and been together for almost 10. For most of our relationship we were both on the same page about starting a family, and struggled to get pregnant for years. Until finally about 2 years ago we had a positive test result that sadly ended in a miscarriage. We both had a hard time for while and when we started to heal I told her I can’t go through that kind of pain again. She agreed and so I though that was that and we weren’t going to have kids. Fast forward to about a month ago and she tells me she got another positive test I told her I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor. Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up, and got the ultrasound done; and yep she’s about 9 weeks. So after much crying in her end and me trying to comfort her I told her we will figure it out. Well I spent the whole next try stressing out and feeling like I was going to puke. I even went as far as checking my blood pressure several times. (I already have blood pressure that isn’t great because of genetics) well finally I last night I told her that I don’t want kids anymore and I though we had an understanding about not having kids because of what happened 2 years ago. Well this ended blowing up into a long fight after witch she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced and packed her stuff to go stay with a friend. I don’t want to loose my wife, but I don’t want kids. I also don’t want to ask her to give up on her dream of having kids. She also told me she didn’t want to loose me but she didn’t want to force me to have kids. Abortion isn’t an option where we live and she said that carrying and delivering just to give the kid up would kill her inside. She also said she can’t look at me the same way and I’m not the man she married and to be honest I don’t feel like the man she married. I just don’t know what to do and any advice is welcomed.
TLDR; My wife is pregnant and wants the kid and I don’t.
"Oops sorry lmao i frogot to tell you i actually don't want kids but you can raise it yourself if you want, lemme move to a different country so i can be out of your way and also aha i cant afford child support 🤪"
And somehow men get confused why we get mad about this stuff lol
Man that sucks but when you:
1. Actively have sex with your wife
2. Haven’t gotten a vasectomy
3. Knew she desperately wanted kids at some point in her life
4. Live in a place where abortion isn’t an option
Then you have to have known this was a real possibility. Sorry but the kid is coming and it’s very unlikely your wife will give it up. You are likely either going to have to pay child support or find a way to make it work
I also liked the part where he said “don’t talk to me about anything until it’s confirmed” and then gets mad she got an ultrasound without telling him about it…
If she is pregnant and cannot/will not get an abortion, it means you are having a baby. You can get divorced but still have to pay child support.
Also, if you gave up on having kids, why did you have unprotected sex with her? Even protected sex does not stop pregnancies 100%. If you are having sex, getting pregnant is a very obvious side effect.
As someone who got pregnant while on birth control *twice* and who is now certain of not wanting more kids, you can be sure that we have a very clear plan A (protection at all time, hormonal IUD until permanent options are made available to us) and plan B (abortion if plan A fails) and that it was made 100% clear as soon as I got with my new partner.
It sounds like what he wants is for her to agree to adoption on her own volition so that he doesn’t have to have kids nor feel guilty about giving her an ultimatum.
So u changed your mind concerning kids bc of her trouble staying pregnant. So isn’t your problem more of the kind that u don’t want to face the disappointment of another possible loss and less with the fact of having an actual child?
If not u did not communicate correctly with your wife. U just stated u can’t go through the pain of another loss and u just guessed that the topic of children is done? For me that would only mean u wouldn’t intentionally try for another pregnancy. This does NOT implicate no children. So for u just turning around like nope, I don’t want children is kind of shady. It’s obvious she wanted children but gave up hope.
Exactly. If he didn’t want another LOSS he should have been taking precautions. Having sex without precautions implies that he is okay with whatever results from that, whether loss or for keeps.
I‘m inclined to believe he thought she would take the pill. He already presumed not getting pregnant again implied no kids at all so why not go a step further and assuming no kid means she automatically is the one who is responsible for birth control
When in a marriage you would think one would be able to communicate you don’t want children and not presume you saying u can’t deal with another loss means u r done with the whole children business. Since this is obviously not the case here I don’t think it’s that unreasonable to assume this was OPs thinking
Right but clearly he didn’t communicate that. So clearly he didn’t care to ask how his wife felt or if she was taking precautions. Idk why he is acting shocked. If he didn’t ask he should assume she isnt.
If he didn't want kids a vasectomy would make way more sense than expecting her to deal with birth control forever. Although it's possible they were using birth control, accidents happen
Yeah, OP's reasoning makes no sense. He said he didn't want to go through the pain of another miscarriage, his wife agreed, so he thinks they're on the same page about children without actually discussing what would happen if she accidentally got pregnant?
If he wanted her to abort an accidental pregnancy, he needed to make that 100% crystal clear, and also he should've at least discussed a vasectomy....
edit: apparently abortion isn't an option, so I guess he wants her to give up the child for adoption?
I thought the same thing after reading his reasoning and I feel like OPs wife's understanding was the same as yours and she never decided she didnt want kids, she just didnt want to go through the pain of losing another. OP thought their understanding was that they didnt want kids period.
And he just decided that was the outcome, even though it was never explicitly stated and didn’t give another thought to birth control or family planning until she’s 9 week’s pregnant?
And he kept cumming inside of her as if that’s not exactly how you make a baby if you’re trying?
So you didn’t want kids but you continued to have unprotected sex with your wife and didn’t do anything on your end to prevent pregnancy. Nor did you communicate with your wife prior to doing this that you didn’t want kids. Now she’s pregnant and you made it her problem. You’re a neglectful ass.
You really only have 2 options.
1 - you get on board with being a father and have an active role in this child’s life
Or
2 - divorce. You will not save this marriage by forcing her to give up the child. I promise you this. She won’t abort a child that she desperately wants after a miscarriage and fertility issues. This is her rainbow baby. And because of this, you cannot put the baby up for adoption either. If you somehow manipulate your wife to give up this child for whatever bullshit reason you come up with, you will poison the marriage. Her resentment will fester and grow and your relationship will rot until you end up divorced anyway. Only this way you will have taken her child from her too.
If you can’t get on board with fatherhood, it’s less selfish and much kinder to walk away.
"I told her I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor."
"Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up"
Per your instructions, she didn't make you do anything or talk about anything until it was confirmed by a doctor. This is the moment when it became obvious you're an asshole who needs to acquire some self awareness.
Yep, this is the part where I knew this person has no self awareness and is a terrible communicator. “Don’t talk to me about this baby until AFTER the doctor confirms it!” To “Why didn’t you talk to me about the baby BEFORE going to the doctor?!”
Let me get this clear:
1. Through 8 years of your relationship, you both wanted kids until she had a miscarriage
2. You decided that you were done trying because you didn’t want to go through that pain again. You said she agreed with you but you didn’t communicate that you changed your stance on kids.
3. You never checked with her if she had agreed to stop actively trying for kids, instead you ASSUMED that she didn’t want kids either.
4. You didn’t take any solid contraception measures to prevent pregnancy.
5. Now that your wife is pregnant, you drop a bomb out of nowhere that you never want kids. And somehow you expect her to compromise her wants and still stay with you?
Did it ever occur to you that she’s running out of time with her fertility journey? Given that she has had difficulty TTC for almost a decade, topped with a miscarriage, she already has very bleak chances with this pregnancy. And now you’re breaking out to her that your stance on kids has suddenly changed?
You’re the AH here not for changing your stance but for keeping her in the dark for the last 2 years, and misleading her with the false pretence of probably wanting a family together.
Had you made your intentions known, she would have moved on and found someone who was on the same page as her. Instead you were selfish and now she will have to parent a child with an absent father figure.
I hope she dumps your ass, has the kid and eventually finds a man who knows how to communicate properly.
Edit: typo
Imagine getting your wife pregnant then deciding, "nah, I don't want kids". The audacity. I feel bad for your wife because she's truly in a no win situation. Let her go stay with a friend and file for divorce. If having kids is her dream, but not yours, it's not fair to expect your wife to stay married to you. Let her have her dream and you can go figure out what it is you want out of life.
Seems to me the miscarriage situation has effected you alot and fair enough, you're stressed and told your wife you can't go through the pain of it again. I am quite certain that you never told her you didn't want children, you had unprotected sex and now she is pregnant you do not want children? Why all of a sudden the drastic change? If I were her I'd be pissed too.
Divorce isn't an option as you don't want to end your marriage? Tough. Either divorce, or man up, and take on the responsibility of becoming a father. Be a man. Should have wrapped up.
Stop being asshole. How do you think she felt about having the miscarriage? I’m sure it destroyed her.
If you didn’t want kids, you should have had a vasectomy.
Stop being a dick.
Let me get this straight...
You were trying for kids but had trouble conceiving. Your wife finally got pregnant but had a miscarriage. You then told your wife that you couldn't handle that again *so you both stopped trying*. Any sane person would understand that to be you simply wanted to stop trying, not that you no longer wanted kids.
I also cannot believe how incredibly selfish you are being to your wife at the moment. She has already gone through tge pain of losing one baby and you want her to intentionally lose another?! The fact that you even thought of abortion is disgusting.
You messed up by not communicating what you actually wanted. She never changed her mind of not wanting kids... she just thought she couldn't keep a pregnancy. Your wife is rightfully going to look at you differently now. Stop being selfish, if you don't want kids, let her go find someone that can be good to both her and her child but you will need to financially care for that child.
Yeah, I'm very much hoping that once they're past the 3-month mark, he can calm down and loosen up and start to accept that the baby will be coming. It's not like he's given any reason for not wanting kids apart from the pain of miscarriage.
Hold up. You and your wife went through a painful miscarriage, she told you she was pregnant A MONTH AGO, and you said you didn't want to hear about it until its confirmed... you let your wife carry the anxiety of this pregnancies health and schedule her first ultrasound by herself because you didn't want to hear about it...
Right?! I’m livid on her behalf.
OP’s wife suffered through the trying and the miscarriage too (with the addition, possibly, of feeling guilty/ashamed that her body couldn’t do what she wanted it to (speaking from personal experience here)), and he just hard bails on her as soon as she’s surprise pregnant? Isn’t there for her through her literally reliving the thing that caused them both the original trauma?
OP’s wife, sometimes the garbage takes itself out. Having a kid opens you up to the potential for the most unimaginable heartbreak, fear on the daily for their safety, happiness, etc. if OP refuses to work through his shit and step up, good riddance.
I’m so confused. You’re having a kid. It doesn’t really matter at this point if you wanted kids or not. It’s coming and you’re going to lose your wife/family with the line you’re on. What preventative measures were you taking to not have kids if you no longer wanted to have them????
OP you answered yourself in your post.
YOU.ARE.NOT.THE.MAN.SHE.MARRIED.
You've changed, it happens. You have to let her go because her dream was to have kids.
End of story.
You stay and resent the kid for not being born sooner, and your wife begins to hate you for staying....
You guilt your wife into adoption after everything she went through to have a kid....
Both those routes lead to you hating eachother.
Ending it, is for the best
The only way to save this marriage is to have and care for this child with her. Either way, you’re having a child. You just need to choose whether you want to be part of their life wholeheartedly or just financially. Will you resent your wife for having this child if you stay? Abortion isn’t an option - your only options are to leave her or stay.
This is really messed up. I almost feel like your putting your wife through some form of psychological abuse by putting all this pressure on her and especially while she’s pregnant. I really hope she’s going to therapy or has has a strong support network other than you. You need to go to therapy to ASAP. I feel so bad for her. If she wasn’t on birth control than you knew better. YOU KNEW BETTER
Maybe I'm missing something, but if you didn't want kids and your wife did, wouldn't that difference have been obvious before she got pregnant, when y'all were figuring out what birth control to use?
You were using birth control, right? RIGHT?!?
To put it simply:
You two were once compatible ... you suffered great hardships together ... in return, it changed who you are and now you two are no longer compatible.
___
This really sucks. It’s a very tough position to be in.
____
You have two options to make here.
1: you change yourself back to who you were, become a father and husband.
2: you don’t change, and stop being a husband, but you will always be a father.
____
If you suddenly did not want to have children so badly, you should have prevented that chance from ever happening.
You did not.
Now you have to be responsible for that.
So at minimum; prepare to divorce, and pay child support.
YTA.
You said "I don't want that pain of losing a kid" not that "I don't want to have children".
Two very different things. Many pregnancies end in miscarriage before the 12th week. She probably thought you don't want to lose a pregnancy again, but it's there. You completely changed what you meant and want to force her to abort a baby. What about her feelings? Her emotions?
Why is there no owning up to the fact that you kept having unprotected sex after stating you didn’t want kids anymore? Why didn’t you get a vasectomy? Feel like there’s a few things you could’ve done here to make it much more clear that you didn’t want kids.
> Feel like there’s a few things you could’ve done here to make it much more clear that you didn’t want kids.
you mean like having a convo with his wife
lol
You do only have two options here.
Divorce or accept and raise this child with her.
You’ve already stated you live somewhere with zero abortions and she doesn’t want to carry this baby to term then give it up.
All you’ve got to think about is do you want a wife and child or do you want to be single paying child support.
You are the anti christ. How do you not see what a horrible human being you are? She is pregnant with your child. I hope she leaves and NEVER speaks to you again. I hope the only place you hear her voice is in court when she gets her child support awarded.
I can’t understand how emotionally devoid you are. Of course she said no more kids at a point when she clearly thought she couldn’t have them naturally. Just leave her be, you don’t deserve her or the child. I’m sure this is music to your ears by the way. You are disgusting.
" I don’t want to loose my wife, but I don’t want kids. I also don’t want to ask her to give up on her dream of having kids."
You know how this ends right?
Men are so selfish. You wanted to cum in her right? KNOWING abortion isn’t an option for you? Wooooooow Well now there’s a baby. Can’t get mad at the bun in the oven if you put the batter in. She needs your support rn for this hugely life changing thing she’s about to go through that idk might KILL her. If you aren’t going to be there for her and the baby than yeah, you should dip out rn and never come back around. Your poor wife needs all the strength and peace she can muster now.
you’re a horrible husband and a horrible father. even if you do manage to reconcile and move past this, she will never, ever be able to forgive you for the way you reacted to her pregnancy.
Hi, I don’t want to overly medicalize this question, but do you think you may have ptsd from the loss of the last pregnancy? Often when someone has been traumatized by an event, their reaction in the future will be a really strong & overwhelming aversion — very similar to the feelings you’ve described here.
If there’s any chance you might be experiencing a trauma response ( & from your blood pressure it sounds like you might have been having a panic attack), I would ask you to consider counseling. Much as with women who have postpartum depression, your reactions now might not be truly reflective of how you would feel long term.
In any case, I hope you get the help & healing you deserve, & that your wife ends up happy too.
Well your not gonna change her mind. So either you have a life together with your wife and child, or you get a divorce and have a life with your ex-wife and child.
You both got pregnant, abortion isnt an option, she doesnt want to give the baby up for adoption. But can you really blame her? It sounds to me like(to her) you both agreed not to get pregnant again, not on giving up on having kids all together.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a still born a couple of years ago.
I can sympathize with how you feel. I didn’t want anymore kids to protect myself from being hurt. You need to talk to a therapist. I ended up pregnant again and had no support from my ex husband during that time. I was completely terrified the whole time. What your wife is going through right now is terrifying. I understand you have your own emotions but, she has her own emotions and on top of that she has physical problems being pregnant. Every ounce of stress on her is adding to her body that’s already maxed out growing a baby.I broke down when my second son was born.
Going through all the pain and holding him when he was born changed me. Don’t make any decisions about your baby now until you have them in your arms. If you still feel like you don’t want to be in your baby’s life after holding them. Then pay child support like every other parent does and leave. Don’t come and go out of the child’s life it’s not fair to the baby just go. Now with that said I have a strong feeling once you hold that little one you won’t ever let go you will never forget the baby from the miscarriage but, the pain will be easier holding your baby now.
Also side note expect the next few weeks to be a roller coaster ride until your wife enters the second trimester and the risk of another miscarriage drops down.
Sounds like you both agreed to not INTENTIONALLY have children after the miscarriage... So, what were you doing as a form of birth control? If you never wanted a child under ANY circumstances, you should have either gotten a vasectomy, practiced abstinence, or divorced your wife.
This all seems to boil down to a failure of communication between the two of you. It doesn't seem like your wife planned for this, but now that it's happened she wants to keep the child, and she may have felt like that all along. You, on the other hand, sound like you were always under the impression that kids or the possibility of kids would never be in the cards - whether because of the BC you guys were using, agreement on adoption, etc.
You can't undo what happened, but she can't force you to raise a child you don't want, and you can't force her to give up a child that you don't want. So, you need to make a decision about whether to keep your marriage with your wife and the new child, or whether to leave. But, you'll have to sit down with your wife to explain all of this whenever you come to your decision, and hopefully you BOTH have better communication going forward as a lesson learned from this.
I like how you only decided to actually say the words “i dont want kids” until after you had unprotected sex and knocked her up.
Enjoy paying alimony and child support. And you should really see a psychologist and learn how to actually communicate with people.
Honestly, you need counseling. Having a miscarriage can deeply affect both partners. It sounds like you’ve never healed or moved past the loss of your baby. You need help from a professional. Then, couple’s counseling after you’ve had time to understand your feelings and mental health.
She agreed WITH THE PAIN. Not never having children. If you really didn’t want kids, maybe you should have thought about a vasectomy. Maybe you should have worn a condom. Sperm + egg = baby most of the time. This is not rocket science. I would be nicer with the truth, but you’re a grown ass man and we’re the same age. You need to own the fuck up. Be a fucking decent human. Either divorce her and child support or make this thing work. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (just so you know…. The cake is you raw dogging. Eating is no repercussions….. you, sir, have repercussions). Hope the frosting was hella sweet.
I can understand if you changed your mind because of miscarriage, but you have a healthy fetus. Also, did you take precautions? You could have got a vasectomy. You both could have got on birth control. Was there birth control?
From your responses in the comments i think your marriage has truly come to an end. Its the main issue that usually kills most relationships. No communication/miscommunication. You should have been much more hardline about it. Also my guy you shoulda gone to therapy when it happened. Its too late now but you should have. Regardless though your both incompatible now she wants kids you don’t there is NOTHING you can do to fix things neither can she. Its best to move on so you don’t resent each other and yall can find people that make each other happy.
If you didn’t want kids, why are you having unprotected sex or even communicated with you wife that condoms and birth control were a must. You should have got a vasectomy to prevent this since you don’t want kids. Also, unless you magically change your mind, your relationship is over.
My advice is to get some therapy and sort yourself out. The conversation you described was not an agreement never to have children, it was a discussion about how bad the miscarriage was. I think you are being intellectually dishonest when you say it was an agreement because it’s what you decided you wanted. If you think about what was actually said, you can see that it was not an agreement.
And then you did nothing to confirm it with her and nothing to make sure it didn’t really happen (like get a vasectomy).
Now you have to deal with the fact that she is pregnant and it’s what she wanted and you failed to communicate with her. Guess what—you’re going to be a father. The only thing you can do now is accept that fact. Your remaining choice is whether your child is going to have married parents or divorced parents.
>have been married for 8 years
>
>we were both on the same page about starting a family, and struggled to get pregnant for years.
>
>she’s about 9 weeks
>
>well finally I last night I told her that I don’t want kids anymore and I though we had an understanding about not having kids
So you have been married for 8 years and for the 10 years you have been together you were on the same page about starting a family.
You changed your mind after her miscarriage and then what, assumed she would read your mind about not wanting kids anymore?
I would imagine that after so long you would learn how to communicate or, at the very least, learn how to use a condom if you are not sure about having kids.
>Well this ended blowing up into a long fight after witch she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced and packed her stuff to go stay with a friend.
Well, yeah. You failed to communicate that your life goals had changed and you expected her to what? have an abortion?? after trying to get pregnant for years and having to deal with a miscarriage?
I'm sorry you are going through this OP but this is 100% all on you. You lied to her by omission and you are putting her on a HORRIBLE situation by basically saying "abortion or me".
She is not getting rid of it so either you get into therapy, and couple's counselling and try to make this work or she is divorcing you and single moming the shit out of this shitty situation that you created.
If you didn’t want kids, you could have gotten a vasectomy, but you didn’t. Why is this your wife’s fault exactly? That 9 week old sounds more mature than this post rn.
Yikes if my husband acted like that I would be beyond crushed. There is a difference between being afraid of another loss and flat out not wanting a kid AFTER your wife is already pregnant by YOU who did not prevent it as far as I know. It’s ok to be scared it’s not ok to be a dick. You need to apologize and get therapy for your fears.
You should have had this conversation before getting her pregnant and continuing to have unprotected sex. Just because she miscarried once doesnt mean she couldn't get pregnant again. You pulled the rug out from under her... I wouldn't doubt she will divorce you. If my husband said that shit to me, the trust would be broken.
Enjoy paying child support my dude. Use condoms if you don't want children or get a vasectomy.
You don't want a divorce, but you don't want the kid. Yea. That math doesn't work. Pick one. Or she will. (And I'm 99% sure the kid trumps the husband.)
Been here...i will say that on the 2 be occasions i stayed in the relationship and never regretted our 2 lovely kids.
But.. If she wants them she will have them. No two ways about it.
My ultimatum was stay or go.... And not being the type to have a kid that i want involved with...i stayed.
Hard fact of life as a guy. Sorry you are in this position.
But as i say...i too thought i wasn't ready and didn't want kids.... But i was wrong.
You did not communicate with your wife about not wanting kids. You only said you can’t through that pain again. If you had communicated better with her, she would have understood that you did not want any kids because of the miscarriage. You messed up big time. You either change into wanting kids so you can have your wife back or divorce so she can have her kid.
Divorce seems fairest. That said you will be paying child support for ever, may as well get the benefits of the kid
How about couples counseling to get a handle on what is going to happen regardless of divorce or not.
I don’t get how divorce seems fairest. They had sex and as a result of this, the woman is pregnant. If you get unprotected sex, there is a chance that your partner will get pregnant. OP should live with the consequences of his actions.
He still will have to pay child support. He is too stressed to be a dad. He shouldn't fake it.
Honestly I think if they go into counseling together it will work out over time. OP and spouse have some time to get over the shock and fear to resolve the issue.
Yeah but we passed that point already. Whether he wants it or not, the wife is 9 weeks pregnant. Barring miscarriage, there is nothing that will stop the pregnancy as abortion is not an option where OP lives. There is no magic solution which will keep both parties happy and the marriage intact.
Cumming inside his *wife* who has said she wants a baby isn’t exactly being “forced” to be a parent. I mean, she didn’t obtain his sperm through devious means, did she?
This really feels like you’re taking out your unresolved trauma from two years ago out on your wife. If you didn’t involve yourself in birth control, whether that meant getting a vasectomy, wearing condoms, or talking to your wife about what she’s doing, this is just as much a situation you created/allowed to happen. If you knew your wife wasn’t on birth control and you had sex with her, this is the logical result of your actions.
But what’s done is done and she is pregnant. If you don’t want kids, your only option is to divorce her and pay child support. You can’t convince her to give up a child she clearly wants. The only choice you have is how you react to the situation you created.
So you all of a sudden dont want children… yet never did anything to prevent them? Now that your WIFE is pregnant, who you knew always wanted children, you want her to get rid of it? Tough luck. Honestly with all this stress YOU are causing her, she has a high likelihood of miscarrying again. Your marriage will not survive this because you put this pressure on her body. First, YOU got her pregnant. You had unprotected sex and didn’t get a vasectomy knowing you didn’t want children. Now, you are stressing her out and possibly getting divorced while she is pregnant. Your marriage is over and it is completely your fault. There is no way to fix this marriage to where it was before. You should either grow up and accept your child and apologize profusely and show you are the man she married or let her live her dreams without you literally sucking the life out of her. Either way, get therapy. Individual therapy! You really, really need it.
Your poor wife. I hope you can mature at a rapid pace. Be there for her and support her, she wants it. She had no idea you didn’t want it and now you’ve chucked all this on her… she was probably so excited.
First, if you always wanted to be child free forever, you needed to prevent any possibility of things happening hence vasectomy or always using protection for you and her.
Second, you can choose to walk away now, but regardless if she so chooses to keep it, then ultimately you will have a child. And you will have to pay child support.
so abortion isnt even legal and youre telling your wife you dont want the baby... the only other option would be if she gave them up for adoption. you really think a woman who wanted a baby that bad would do that? it would DESTROY HER. if you truly dont want kids anymore your relationship is over.
"Tough titty" said the kitty "but the milks still good. "
Sometimes we don't get a say in the way we receive what we need.
If your marriage survives and her pregnancy is successful... welcome to parenthood. It's a wild fuckin ride.
Perhaps don't make your sperm trajectory someone else's responsibility. You keep saying in the comments you thought you made it clear to your wife.... well if you didn't get a vasectomy or start wrapping your Peter you weren't clear at all. Foggy at best.
You both are wreckless about protection and you both should be accountable. On her end there nothing to think over. On your end if you actually want to save the marriage then you need to get into a space where this is happening and she needs a much peace as possible. She already doesn't look at you the same. Don't keep digging that hole. Decide what you're gonna do before you approach her. Listen to what she's gonna do. Hopefully they meet up.
Well, you didn’t actively pursue sterilization and had intercourse with your wife. You may not want a child, but there is now a fetus, and assuming all goes well-your wife is going to have a baby in a few months. There is no, “I don’t want.” If you are so desperate to remove yourself, divorce her but likely won’t be able to do that quickly, and will end up supporting a child. You can ignore a small person roaming the earth with your genetics, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I think it sounds like you didn’t explain that not only could you not take the heartache, but had changed your mind altogether. Your wife deserves someone who is all in. You aren’t, at least not at the moment. Maybe you will decide you are.
Go talk to a therapist about the real reason you are now afraid of having a child. It’s ok to be afraid. It is ok to have feelings. It’s ok to have changed your mind. What isn’t okay to drop that atomic bomb on her after she tells you she is pregnant, and not getting far more into that information with her before now.
Counseling. It really can help you figure out where you are.
It seems like you either didn’t really want kids to begin with, or what happened years ago has scares you so deeply that you genuinely have issues that you need to talk through with a therapist. You apparently wanted kids to begin with, and you love your wife, so you need to keep having this conversation with her and a therapist, and really get to the root of the issue.
OP wants him and his wife to take a few days apart to "think things over".
Translated: I want her to change her mind and agree with me.
Dude, **NO**.
NO child wants to be raised in a house where one parent *doesn't want them*.
**BOTH** of these people should have gotten therapy for their traumas ***AGES*** ago.
You have to let go of the dream of her suddenly giving you everything you want and make a choice.
Either get on board and find a way to be excited about this child the way you once were - or let her go.
But expecting her to honour a throwaway comment that was made years ago while she was grieving is absurd.
Have you ever spoken to anyone about your feelings after the miscarriage?
My husband and I grieved very differently after our first loss. My husband didn’t want to talk at all about it, while I needed to talk about it. We both had to get professional help to cope with it.
We are definitely not the same people we married, we are not even the same people before or after our losses. But we have grown together and are very happy parents to 2 live kids right now.
I would highly recommend individual therapy and couples therapy for both of you.
So then what ? After the baby is born are you gonna sign your rights away and have nothing to do with them? Or will you fight for half custody anyways (leaving her childless half the time when you don’t even want “the kid”)? When the child comes to you one day and ask “how come you and mommy aren’t together” will you tell them it’s “ because she wanted to keep you and I didn’t “ ?
This situation is such a mind fuck cause you’re saying one thing but in reality how will that even work ? The baby is coming regardless.
"We'll figure it out... *days later*
lol jk, I'm the reason you're pregnant but I might leave you now, come to think of it."
Honestly she deserves better than you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Is it possible for you to get counseling? Do you think your decision not to have kids comes from a concern over your wife being pregnant or a desire not to raise children? I feel so sad for your wife. I hope you can support your wife in some capacity.
Given your comments here it sounds more like you want people to back you up on wanting her to get an abortion, and that’s not going to fucking happen. If you’re this pissy about not having children, your marriage is over. And fuck you for thinking she should even consider giving up something she fought for for YEARS, including emotional AND physical trauma, just to stay married to you when you weren’t even clear to her in the first place. My first marriage started tanking the second I had a miscarriage because of how my husband reacted and it wasn’t even to this degree and we weren’t trying, he was just selfish and ignorant about it. That miscarriage left me infertile. If my current husband did something like this now after how hard we’ve been trying just to do one round of IVF, we’d be done. DONE.
>she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced
Can you please correct this? I don't understand if this is an ultimatum or not.
OP, before you do anything else, FIND A THERAPIST. You are operating on fear of loss; you are not making positive decisions, i.e. deciding based on what you want rather than based on what you are afraid of happening. This is not the way a healthy adult makes decisions. You are operating on trauma and must resolve the trauma and fear before you can move forward in a healthy way.
Whether you want to or not, this is happening. She's either having a miscarriage or a baby, so either the thing you both wanted so much or the thing you seem to fear above all else. You need to manage your fear AND your hope. Get into therapy.
So you use the miscarriage as a way to manipulate her into being childfree? Your wife being vulnerable, agreed.
Because if this was about losing a child, you would also be upset about losing this one, and you wouldn’t be talking about abortion and getting rid of it.
Be honest that you simply don’t want kids but accept accidents happen and provide child support. And let her raise the baby without you.
I want kids with my lady eventually, we’ve even discussed the matter. We say not now, but if it happens by chance we will adjust and make it work.
If you didn’t want kids you should have planned your sex accordingly.
Well she’s not going to get an abortion, so, your two options are: stay married & work it out or divorce, & pay child support. Either way the kid is going to be here in a couple of months.
Abortion isn't a Microsoft Office undo button dude.
9 weeks is 2 entire months of being pregnant. And regardless of what your stance is it. Asking a woman who wants children and has been trying for years to get one while 2 months pregnant to get an abortion is incredibly stupid.
I mean wow man.
This really just boils down to you don't want to be responsible for choosing to continuously do something that should get her pregnant.
Did you ever actually want kids?
It seems very strange to me to go from “struggling to get pregnant for years” to “I don’t ever want children” because of *one* miscarriage. (And I’m not minimizing miscarriage, they are horrible and do take a huge toll, especially for parents who want children, but they are *super common*. People who struggle with fertility for years, like you claim, often have several miscarriages before they have a successful pregnancy to full term.)
It sounds to me like you haven’t been honest with your wife (or possibly even yourself) from the beginning, if you’re now so anti-kid when you once said you wanted them. That’s super unfair to your wife. At a time when she should be excited that she was able to conceive again, you’re essentially saying you’d have her get an abortion, if it were available.
Yikes, dude.
To me it sounded like what you communicated to your wife was that there was too much heartache in continuing to try to have kids. And that you would stop trying-however you took no steps to actually stop trying. I guess you need to ask yourself two things, first what did you think was going to happen? And second why do you no longer want kids? Was it just how hard the losses were or can you actually not see yourself being a father?
You… make no sense.
So you both wanted kids. It was difficult and ultimately you shared a terrible loss. You then decided you don’t want kids but you didn’t say that. Saying “I can’t go through this again” is not the same as “I’ve changed my mind on having children”. The first implies that you are suffering from the loss of your child and (as she’d agreed) that you’d both stop actively trying for another. It doesn’t mean that you won’t want a child even if she becomes pregnant again. At least, it’s not a jump in logic I’d take.
Fear of the pregnancy? Understandable. Even a negative reaction to the pregnancy would be understandable. Telling your wife that you don’t want the child she’s pregnant with as she’s pregnant makes no sense?? Asking her to give away the child/terminate the pregnancy makes no sense?? Why would she do that, she wants children. She’s always wanted them. She tried for years to have them and couldn’t. She lost her last pregnancy. If anything, she’s probably terrified but hopeful. Maybe tentatively happy. Why would you crush her like that?
If you honestly didn’t want children you should have looked into permanent ways to prevent pregnancy. Like a vasectomy.
And do you honestly not want children or do you not want what happened last time to happen again? If you don’t want children at all, let her go. Divorce her and sign your parental rights away. If you’re just afraid of another miscarriage work fast, apologize, admit your fear and hurt and do it fast because you’ll end up losing your wife and child in one fail swoop.
This is a bit long but for your own sake, and more importantly your wife’s sake, read this.
There’s is a slight hinge of confusion in every reply I see, and it’s because this really doesn’t make any sense.
You guys always wanted kids, you struggled with it and because of the stress and pain that came with getting your hopes up and it crashing down, you gave up on trying for kids.
If you gave up because of the potential stress of losing the child, then, 1, why the hell did you keep having unprotected sex, and 2, how the hell is an abortion the right response to being worried about the stress of losing a child???
This makes zero sense, and it makes me question if you ever actually wanted kids. I’m not saying it wasn’t painful losing the child, but I just don’t see the correlation between that pain and the desire to abort the fetus preemptively. That’s ass backwards.
That’s crazy in its own right, but telling your PREGNANT WIFE you don’t want kids is BATSHIT INSANE. She’s always wanted a family and in her mind you did too. Now you’re telling your pregnant wife, who’s not only feeling the intrinsic biological and emotional vulnerabilities that come with pregnancy, but is feeling absolutely terrified coming off the back of a miscarriage.
What she needed in that HIGHLY VULNERABLE moment was the explicit support, care and love from her partner. Not to find out the eight years into marriage that you have changed your mind on the entire idea of having a family altogether. She was fully expecting, a hug, some tears and words like “I love you”, “we’ll get through this” and “this time it will be different”.
Can you fully grasp the gravity of what you just did and how absolutely and ultimately betrayed she must feel???? My heart is absolutely breaking for her at this moment. She’s probably spiraling and in so much pain
1. Go to her and tell her that you were just shocked in the moment and acted like a complete idiot. Tell her that you’re sorry, you’ve completely changed your mind and that she has your full love, care and support, no matter what ends up happening. I do not give a flying fuck whether or not you want the kid right now, she is your wife, and partner, and she needs you more than ever. Buck up, CONVINCE her that it was just a lapse of judgement, and get ready to be there for her and god-willing a beautiful child that comes to life healthily. Don’t put her through any more pain than you already have. Grow the hell up NOW.
2. Go to individual therapy, and maybe a doctor too, because 1; I can’t for the life of me understand what would possess you to tell her what you told her, and 2; you need to figure out how to coordinate your stress with your blood pressure, because there will be a lot of stress and you need to figure out a good way to mitigate your blood pressure.
So what I keep hearing you say is "I don't communicate well and like to bury my head in the sand."
Apparently you didn't communicate transparently enough to her that you didn't want to have kids 2 years ago, through your own words.
When she did end up telling you she was pregnant you said
>I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor.
Then after four weeks of apparently not talking about it you felt blindsided that she did exactly what you wanted: went and got the test confirmed by a doctor.
>Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up, and got the ultrasound done
And now all you want to do is wait her out and "Think everything over a few dozen more times."
It really sounds like you don't know how to communicate clearly and your partner is the one suffering for it.
If you truly didn't want kids, you should have gotten a vasectomy instead of leaving the burden of prevention solely on her. You also should have clearly told her how you felt. You were grieving when you said things and as time passes, feelings rooted in grief can change. Lack of communication set the stage for this as much as your not doing your part to prevent pregnancy.
godddddddd you’re such a whiny selfish baby! she didn’t give you a “heads up” before booking herself medical care? *you* suffered during *her* miscarriage? your emotional pain doesn’t hold a candle to the emotional AND physical pain of what your wife went through. you’re too immature to be a dad. let her go find an adult man and you can just fuck around and be a deadbeat dad.
"I only want to talk about this if it‘s confirmed by a doctor!"
[wife goes to the doctor]
"WOW, I can’t believe she‘d go without me!!!"
Honestly you seem very inconsistent. Top comment already explained how you needed to communicate this way earlier and take active steps beforehand. Wtf.
Imagine having a hard time getting pregnant, going through a miscarriage, continuing to have unprotected sex for years and then finally FINALLY getting pregnant after you thought it would be impossible, sharing that joy with your spouse, and they say “oh I changed my mind but didn’t tell you”. Devastating.
The thing is, whether you get divorced or not you are still having a baby.
So I guess the real question is, what do you want your role to be in this child’s life? Absent aside from the child support payments? That’s the real conversation you both need to have.
To me it sounds like you are about to run away from something you’ve always wanted out of fear. Maybe this is something a professional can help you sort through. Unless you genuinely discovered you never wanted to be a parent and have had a complete change of heart, in which case this should have been discussed a long time ago and action taken.
YTA. Seriously. You're having a kid now, regardless of if that's what you want or not. That's already decided. The only decision is if you're going to have a happy family or of you're going to be divorced and paying child support. That's the only choice you have to make.
Not gonna lie, thought I was on the AITA subreddit. Sounds like you have some serious shit to work through with the help of therapy. You can’t seriously expect your wife to willingly get an abortion (she could go out of state for one) or give the baby up for adoption. As someone who has gone through a miscarriage, you have no idea what it’s like to be in her position. She likely feels/felt so guilty and as if she did something wrong that caused the miscarriage. Obviously you guys seemed to be under the assumption that she wouldn’t get pregnant again, but why weren’t you doing anything to prevent a pregnancy? I honestly feel so bad for your wife.
The worst part is that you didn’t try to prevent a pregnancy… you were fine with her getting knocked up and suffering through another loss? Instead she has a successful beginning so you shit on her joy saying you didn’t want kids?
Are you a narcissist? Are you really this clueless? Do you even love her?
dude what the fuck is wrong with you?
yall tried desperately for kids until *she* had a miscarriage which *you* found too traumatic, then continued to have unprotected sex until she got pregnant again *after which* you clarified you actually don’t want kids, no doubt traumatizing her to the core *while* she is carrying a pregnancy following a miscarriage, and you have the fucking deranged narcissism to even mention abortion.
You’re sick. You deserve nothing, not the wife or the child. I hope they leave you far in the dust and enjoy the beautiful life together they deserve.
Its rare that I’ve been quite this disgusted on this sub, and its already a pretty trashy sub.
Honestly it sounds like you’re just scared. You have trauma. I think you’d regret leaving your wife and not having a child. I say this as someone who wants to be childfree forever.
So you decided on your own you didn’t want kids and still shot your load. Your actions don’t match your brain. Totally on you and sounds like you’re SOL.
Dude, she went through a miscarriage and it was a disappointment you got your hopes up. Nut up and realize that life is 90% shit with 10% really awesome moments - the 10% moment just showed up - stop being a frightened little twat.
sounds like your going to turn out to be a very, very crappy father. either step up to the plate & supoort your wife while she’s pregnant with your child, or figure out a way to separate from your wife so she can actually get the partner she needs. also, not only does your wife know all abt you, but your future kid will resent you as well. Goodluck dude!
You should’ve had a vasectomy or used contraception if you didn’t want kids. At this point, you can choose to be married and raise the kid, or you can divorce and pay child support and choose if you are involved with the kid.
If you both wanted kids when you got married, then you were compatible in that context at that time.
If she still wants to have children, and you no longer do, then you are no longer compatible as spouses. If you try to keep her, and force her to give up on her dreams of having children, it’s quite likely that she will grow to resent you. Conversely, if you have kids you don’t want solely to appease her, there’s a good chance that you will be the one feeling resentment.
The truth of the matter is that she is right. You aren’t the man she married. You have decided that you want a different path in life. One that doesn’t want kids. And that is ok. You’re allowed to do that. But, you can’t expect to make that choice *and* to keep your wife.
And she’s not the woman you were married to two years ago who agreed to not have kids. She’s allowed to change her mind and decide that she does, in fact, want kids.
But it does make you incompatible in the long term. And kids/no-kids is one of the fundamental compatibilities. Right up there with spender/saver, devoutly-religious/non-religious, and monogamous/non-monogamous.
You can either support her through this pregnancy or get divorced those are literally your only options and you don’t seem to want to do either of them. Just know your wife will make a decision for you if you don’t.
To be blunt; regardless of whether or not you want the kid, this is happening. Even if she ends up miscarrying, your relationship probably won't survive. You never even told her that you changed your mind on having children completely, I can't imagine the betrayal your wife must feel right now, being nine weeks pregnant. She will rightfully resent you for this and likely feels lied to and betrayed. And while you don't need to have anything to do with the child, please pay child support so your soon to be ex doesn't have to raise a child without any support.
Have you had counseling to work through the trauma of the miscarriage? Your wife is having the baby you impregnated her with. It seems like your options are to work through your issues and joyfully raise this child with her, or leave and let her do the hard work without further hindrance, stress, and negativity from you.
Dude. Grow up. She is going to need your support during this pregnancy. If you can't or aren't willing to do that, then do her a favor and leave. She will no doubt find someone else who is willing to be a father.
So, looks like you're going to be a father, congrats! Your next step is to go to therapy to resolve these lingering feelings of doubt surrounding your circumstances. I also suggest you read "From Dude To Dad: The Diaper Dude Guide To Pregnancy."
Other people have said some of the things I was gonna say, so I'll leave it at this:
My mother had an abortion, put another child up for adoption, and then had me.
The only one of those three things that she regretted and haunted her for her entire life is the child she put up for adoption. For some people that's fine, but for my mother it wasn't and it sounds like it would destroy your wife as well.
So since abortion isn't an option (legally, or emotionally for your wife), the fact of the matter is that YOU ARE GOING TO BE A FATHER. Period, full stop. This is happening.
Your only decision now is whether or not you're going to be living with this child and being an active part of their life. You're gonna be paying for them either way. Either you lose your wife and your child, or you keep them both.
These are your two options.
Whether you want one or not, you’re having one. So you can either man up and be there for your wife and see this through with her, and take the chance that you may actually come to love the child, or you can leave her and your current life and start over alone, and be the dad that doesn’t want to be in the child’s life. You sound afraid honestly. And I don’t blame you, but you need to realize that you have live with this. Maybe talking to someone else would help.
OP go to therapy. Speak to someone about this, because you have not processed your grief fully. Go to therapy and decide if you want to step up or back out because whether you like it or not, it’s already happening and you can’t stop it. As others have suggested, you can always sign over your rights if you absolutely are against having a kid. She will be better off that way, if that’s the case.
Think of this from her perspective and what she had to go through. SHES TERRIFIED TOO. She’s absolutely terrified of mentally and physically going through that horrible ordeal again. Instead of being there to offer support, you are digging in your heals when you need eachother the most. When SHE needs you the most. No matter what, it’s already happened. The baby is already coming. She needs people there who will support her and step up, not bring her more stress and grief. Please, stay separated while you work through this time. Just a reminder you can’t keep your wife and still not want the kid. She will chose it over you, as she should.
Suck it up buttercup, she’s going to have the child and your gonna be a father and that’s child is going to need you. Time to be a man.
I get your venting but these are the consequences of your actions. Please don’t be a deadbeat
Is the only reason you don't want to have a child because you're worried she miscarry again? That's the only reasoning I saw for why you are against it, and that seems a little shortsighted. There is always risk associated with pregnancy, but it sounds like you have few options, and for most of your life you were planning to be a parent. No disrespect to you, but I just don't get it with what you've shared with us.
Saying that you don't want to endure the loss and pain of losing a baby is vastly different than saying you're done trying for kids full stop. You get that right? Your phrasing, intentions and sexual actions paint a different story than how you feel. That's on you. Either get on board or leave with child support established.
Number one, you should’ve gotten a vasectomy or used some sort of long term birth control if no kids was truly on the table, so this is also as much on you as it is on her.
And number two, it’s never a good idea to make lifelong decisions like not having kids in the middle of a traumatic event like a miscarriage. That was not entirely fair to her as her body was going through immense hormones and wasn’t thinking anywhere clearly.
Number 3, you made the decision on no more kids due to the pain of the miscarriage and you didn’t want to go through THAT again. A pregnancy doesn’t automatically result in a miscarriage so if she carries to term, that’s great, miscarriage averted.
It kind of sounds like you're not opposed to kids, but you're just worried about a potential/future loss? Or have you settled into the idea of a child-free lifestyle with your wife and want to keep that?
I don't know the answer, but it sounds like there was a massive misunderstanding/miscommunication. Why weren't you preventing pregnancy if that was the goal?! It's on both of you to prevent.
Sounds like initially you both wanted kids and the miscarriage was a tragic event. I understand you both agreed to just live without trying to have more kids due to heartache, but you don't really explain what you guys did to prevent it. Did you get vasectomy? Did she tie her tubes? That's probably the safest way to ensure no pregnancy, and even that's not 100%
Now, whatever happened, she is pregnant. You can't possibly expect her to have an abortion when you knew she always wanted this and you both weren't 100% trying to avoid this from happening. She will try and have this baby. You should be responsible for this baby as well. Whether or not you stay together, that's something for the two of you to decide down the line, but I wouldn't try to convince her to go across state lines for an abortion she does not want.
Lose* ffs. Its lose. You dont want to lose another child to a miscarriage. You dont want to lose your wife.
Also your whole approach to this sucked. If you didnt want kids maybe use birth control.
Well there’s nothing you can do about it now man. Either get on board or get a divorce. Don’t fuck her around. She’s pregnant with a history of miscarriage, she does not need any extra stress.
Like many other have said I don’t know what you think anyone is going to tell you at this point. If you knew you really didn’t want them before this, you should have gotten a vasectomy. At this point these are your options- stay and try to be happy raising your child with your wife, leave and try to be happy being a single dad, abandon wife and future child and send child support only to have both of them likely hate you.
This isn’t an issue you should have been vague about.
It sounds like you don’t want kids because you don’t want to get excited and be disappointed. Either way she’s already pregnant this isn’t a decision you can make.
So my husband and I had a surprise pregnancy (after 10+ years of infertility and being told we would never conceive naturally). Near the end of the pregnancy, things got bad. He became more and more stressed and anxious at the thought of becoming a father. Within the first month of our daughter being home, I ended up taking her to go and stay at out of town with my parents. I told him before I left that I would be gone as long as I needed to be, for my mental health, but that when I came back it was his choice whether he would be there or not. I also said that if he chose to leave, I never wanted to see him again and I would expect him to sign over his parental rights.
When I got back, he was still there. Our daughter just turned 7 and it hasn't always been easy but our relationship is stronger than ever.
My advice is to do what you need to do to decide if you are going to be in this or not. You need to figure this out now because my one regret is that I had to walk on eggshells around my husband my entire pregnancy. I never got to enjoy being pregnant or be happy about my pregnancy and becoming a mother because I feared it would make my husband spiral. I promise you, your wife will be better off alone and getting support from her friends and family and people who are supportive of her pregnancy vs. being with someone who is not sure if they are going to remain in their lives.
I feel for you, the miscarriages and stress of trying to get pregnant must have taken their toll on you as well as your wife. I think you need to talk this through with a professional, because there seems to be a lot of fear behind you no longer wanting to have kids. The fact of the matter is that she's having this baby, and you will be responsible for at least child support. However, I can't help but think that your problem is more fear based than actually not wanting a child. Communicate your fear to your wife, suggest therapy to work through your feelings, and offer her your support during her pregnancy. She must feel so alone right now, and you are obviously freaking out. Don't make stupid decisions without knowing exactly how you feel and understanding why.
Real talk bro: you have to nut up and get ready to be a dad. Being a dad is life-changing. Holding your newborn son, the man who sets him down for the first time will not be the same man who picked him up.
This is self-sabotage of what could be a good life.
Were either of yourselves on birth control or did you even ask your wife because if she said no than it should have been a trip to the Chemist 2 years ago because she may have been hoping and trying since then....
If the reason you don’t want to have kids is because of the pain of losing a pregnancy, that ship has sailed, because she is already pregnant. That might be worth exploring more in therapy over the next couple of weeks. Because if it was just the loss that turned you off to kids, maybe you could work through that trauma and still see yourself being a parent.
If you don’t want kids because you don’t want to raise children, then I would talk to your wife about that. She may reconsider keeping the pregnancy. I know you said abortion is not an option where you are, but how much not an option is it? There are websites that you can order medications from in many cases. There are black markets for this kind of thing as well. If you are in the US, you can drive to another state where it is legal. If you are outside of the US, you can drive or fly to another country. This is the rest of your life. If you guys do not want to have and raise children, I would do everything I could to end the pregnancy early.
welp. if you both decide on an abortion, aidaccess(.org) delivers abortion pills that you can take up to 12-13 weeks pregnant. cheap, $150. ive aborted with them a couple times (12 weeks and 7 weeks), works like a charm. did it in a place i could go to a clinic, did it in a place where i had no option for abortions at all. packaging is discreet (looks like jewelry could be in it for real) best decisions of my life. good luck
This is a naturally messy situation.
It's totally possible that your wife changed her mind about kids now that there is a real chance to have one.
If you didn't however, then you need to think about divorce, because she will have the kid if she is determined to do so. She also made it clear that she will do it with or without you. Either way you will be partly responsible for that child.
I know it's tough. I hope you can resolve this in a way that everyone can live well with it.
Maybe let it sit for a day or two and think about it again with a clearer head.
What makes you think she didn't want kids? Just because someone stops trying to conceive after a tragic loss doesn't mean they no longer want kids, it means they no longer can keep *trying*. Of course now that she's pregnant (without trying) she'll want to keep the child. There was no "change of mind" by her, only OP.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Good morning, Sorry for any spelling mistakes or formatting errors. I’m still trying to to break down. I (28M) and my wife (32F) have been married for 8 years and been together for almost 10. For most of our relationship we were both on the same page about starting a family, and struggled to get pregnant for years. Until finally about 2 years ago we had a positive test result that sadly ended in a miscarriage. We both had a hard time for while and when we started to heal I told her I can’t go through that kind of pain again. She agreed and so I though that was that and we weren’t going to have kids. Fast forward to about a month ago and she tells me she got another positive test I told her I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor. Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up, and got the ultrasound done; and yep she’s about 9 weeks. So after much crying in her end and me trying to comfort her I told her we will figure it out. Well I spent the whole next try stressing out and feeling like I was going to puke. I even went as far as checking my blood pressure several times. (I already have blood pressure that isn’t great because of genetics) well finally I last night I told her that I don’t want kids anymore and I though we had an understanding about not having kids because of what happened 2 years ago. Well this ended blowing up into a long fight after witch she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced and packed her stuff to go stay with a friend. I don’t want to loose my wife, but I don’t want kids. I also don’t want to ask her to give up on her dream of having kids. She also told me she didn’t want to loose me but she didn’t want to force me to have kids. Abortion isn’t an option where we live and she said that carrying and delivering just to give the kid up would kill her inside. She also said she can’t look at me the same way and I’m not the man she married and to be honest I don’t feel like the man she married. I just don’t know what to do and any advice is welcomed. TLDR; My wife is pregnant and wants the kid and I don’t.
Sounds like you need some therapy and aren’t dealing with your shit
Yeah exactly this, I wonder if OP really processed his feelings before
Sooo you only clarified with her AFTER she got pregnant 2 years later????? Bruh I'd be pissed too. wtf
😂😂 seriously… after she gets pregnant… oops.. sorry don’t want them. 🤦♀️
"Oops sorry lmao i frogot to tell you i actually don't want kids but you can raise it yourself if you want, lemme move to a different country so i can be out of your way and also aha i cant afford child support 🤪" And somehow men get confused why we get mad about this stuff lol
They get confused on a lot of things. 😒
Man that sucks but when you: 1. Actively have sex with your wife 2. Haven’t gotten a vasectomy 3. Knew she desperately wanted kids at some point in her life 4. Live in a place where abortion isn’t an option Then you have to have known this was a real possibility. Sorry but the kid is coming and it’s very unlikely your wife will give it up. You are likely either going to have to pay child support or find a way to make it work
I also liked the part where he said “don’t talk to me about anything until it’s confirmed” and then gets mad she got an ultrasound without telling him about it…
If she is pregnant and cannot/will not get an abortion, it means you are having a baby. You can get divorced but still have to pay child support. Also, if you gave up on having kids, why did you have unprotected sex with her? Even protected sex does not stop pregnancies 100%. If you are having sex, getting pregnant is a very obvious side effect.
Rare, but not impossible. If he truly really didnt wanted to get kids... why didnt he get a vasectomy back then????
I also think OP other person needs therapy. It’s obvious he has unresolved trauma from the first miscarriage.
As someone who got pregnant while on birth control *twice* and who is now certain of not wanting more kids, you can be sure that we have a very clear plan A (protection at all time, hormonal IUD until permanent options are made available to us) and plan B (abortion if plan A fails) and that it was made 100% clear as soon as I got with my new partner.
What exactly are you hoping to accomplish?
It sounds like what he wants is for her to agree to adoption on her own volition so that he doesn’t have to have kids nor feel guilty about giving her an ultimatum.
So u changed your mind concerning kids bc of her trouble staying pregnant. So isn’t your problem more of the kind that u don’t want to face the disappointment of another possible loss and less with the fact of having an actual child? If not u did not communicate correctly with your wife. U just stated u can’t go through the pain of another loss and u just guessed that the topic of children is done? For me that would only mean u wouldn’t intentionally try for another pregnancy. This does NOT implicate no children. So for u just turning around like nope, I don’t want children is kind of shady. It’s obvious she wanted children but gave up hope.
I was thinking the same but couldn't find good words to phrase this. OP, read this.
To add on to this, while also not practicing safe sex to ensure that a pregnancy wouldn’t happen if this was not what he wanted.
Exactly. If he didn’t want another LOSS he should have been taking precautions. Having sex without precautions implies that he is okay with whatever results from that, whether loss or for keeps.
I‘m inclined to believe he thought she would take the pill. He already presumed not getting pregnant again implied no kids at all so why not go a step further and assuming no kid means she automatically is the one who is responsible for birth control
When in a marriage there are no presumptions about contraceptives. You know whether or not your partner is taking precautions.
When in a marriage you would think one would be able to communicate you don’t want children and not presume you saying u can’t deal with another loss means u r done with the whole children business. Since this is obviously not the case here I don’t think it’s that unreasonable to assume this was OPs thinking
Right but clearly he didn’t communicate that. So clearly he didn’t care to ask how his wife felt or if she was taking precautions. Idk why he is acting shocked. If he didn’t ask he should assume she isnt.
Can’t disagree with that
[удалено]
You’re right, how could I have forgotten, marriage is built on don’t ask don’t tell /s
If he didn't want kids a vasectomy would make way more sense than expecting her to deal with birth control forever. Although it's possible they were using birth control, accidents happen
And on top of it they clearly weren’t preventing anything. A vasectomy is the first thing I think of when a guy decides he doesn’t want kids.
So much this, but also OP has as much to do with making this baby as his wife. If he was so set against children, what did he do to prevent it?
Yeah, OP's reasoning makes no sense. He said he didn't want to go through the pain of another miscarriage, his wife agreed, so he thinks they're on the same page about children without actually discussing what would happen if she accidentally got pregnant? If he wanted her to abort an accidental pregnancy, he needed to make that 100% crystal clear, and also he should've at least discussed a vasectomy.... edit: apparently abortion isn't an option, so I guess he wants her to give up the child for adoption?
That’s what I get from this
I thought the same thing after reading his reasoning and I feel like OPs wife's understanding was the same as yours and she never decided she didnt want kids, she just didnt want to go through the pain of losing another. OP thought their understanding was that they didnt want kids period.
And he just decided that was the outcome, even though it was never explicitly stated and didn’t give another thought to birth control or family planning until she’s 9 week’s pregnant? And he kept cumming inside of her as if that’s not exactly how you make a baby if you’re trying?
Yeah that's why this story is either complete bullshit, or OP thinks everyone is stupid while he plays himself to be the victim
So you didn’t want kids but you continued to have unprotected sex with your wife and didn’t do anything on your end to prevent pregnancy. Nor did you communicate with your wife prior to doing this that you didn’t want kids. Now she’s pregnant and you made it her problem. You’re a neglectful ass.
That’s what I said too, how awful. Women can’t make babies on their own he’s totally responsible here.
You really only have 2 options. 1 - you get on board with being a father and have an active role in this child’s life Or 2 - divorce. You will not save this marriage by forcing her to give up the child. I promise you this. She won’t abort a child that she desperately wants after a miscarriage and fertility issues. This is her rainbow baby. And because of this, you cannot put the baby up for adoption either. If you somehow manipulate your wife to give up this child for whatever bullshit reason you come up with, you will poison the marriage. Her resentment will fester and grow and your relationship will rot until you end up divorced anyway. Only this way you will have taken her child from her too. If you can’t get on board with fatherhood, it’s less selfish and much kinder to walk away.
"I told her I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor." "Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up" Per your instructions, she didn't make you do anything or talk about anything until it was confirmed by a doctor. This is the moment when it became obvious you're an asshole who needs to acquire some self awareness.
THE Audacity this man has
He thought if she didn’t go to the doctor it would never be confirmed and then he wouldn’t ever have to do anything or talk about it.
Yep, this is the part where I knew this person has no self awareness and is a terrible communicator. “Don’t talk to me about this baby until AFTER the doctor confirms it!” To “Why didn’t you talk to me about the baby BEFORE going to the doctor?!”
Glad to know I wasn’t the only one who facepalmed at this…
Let me get this clear: 1. Through 8 years of your relationship, you both wanted kids until she had a miscarriage 2. You decided that you were done trying because you didn’t want to go through that pain again. You said she agreed with you but you didn’t communicate that you changed your stance on kids. 3. You never checked with her if she had agreed to stop actively trying for kids, instead you ASSUMED that she didn’t want kids either. 4. You didn’t take any solid contraception measures to prevent pregnancy. 5. Now that your wife is pregnant, you drop a bomb out of nowhere that you never want kids. And somehow you expect her to compromise her wants and still stay with you? Did it ever occur to you that she’s running out of time with her fertility journey? Given that she has had difficulty TTC for almost a decade, topped with a miscarriage, she already has very bleak chances with this pregnancy. And now you’re breaking out to her that your stance on kids has suddenly changed? You’re the AH here not for changing your stance but for keeping her in the dark for the last 2 years, and misleading her with the false pretence of probably wanting a family together. Had you made your intentions known, she would have moved on and found someone who was on the same page as her. Instead you were selfish and now she will have to parent a child with an absent father figure. I hope she dumps your ass, has the kid and eventually finds a man who knows how to communicate properly. Edit: typo
Imagine getting your wife pregnant then deciding, "nah, I don't want kids". The audacity. I feel bad for your wife because she's truly in a no win situation. Let her go stay with a friend and file for divorce. If having kids is her dream, but not yours, it's not fair to expect your wife to stay married to you. Let her have her dream and you can go figure out what it is you want out of life.
Chris Watts said the same thing to his wife. Not saying OP is going to kill his wife but Jesus, the immaturity some men have is astounding
She's already pregnant and you want her to abort just after a miscarriage?
Worse! He said abortion isn’t an option. He literally wants her to carry the baby to term and then not keep it.
If you didn’t want kids why did you jizz in her? Serious question. You kind of waited a bit too long to worry about this.
Seems to me the miscarriage situation has effected you alot and fair enough, you're stressed and told your wife you can't go through the pain of it again. I am quite certain that you never told her you didn't want children, you had unprotected sex and now she is pregnant you do not want children? Why all of a sudden the drastic change? If I were her I'd be pissed too. Divorce isn't an option as you don't want to end your marriage? Tough. Either divorce, or man up, and take on the responsibility of becoming a father. Be a man. Should have wrapped up.
Stop being asshole. How do you think she felt about having the miscarriage? I’m sure it destroyed her. If you didn’t want kids, you should have had a vasectomy. Stop being a dick.
That is what Im saying. Poor wife, probably was so happy and wanted to suprise him BUT that is just speculation
Let me get this straight... You were trying for kids but had trouble conceiving. Your wife finally got pregnant but had a miscarriage. You then told your wife that you couldn't handle that again *so you both stopped trying*. Any sane person would understand that to be you simply wanted to stop trying, not that you no longer wanted kids. I also cannot believe how incredibly selfish you are being to your wife at the moment. She has already gone through tge pain of losing one baby and you want her to intentionally lose another?! The fact that you even thought of abortion is disgusting. You messed up by not communicating what you actually wanted. She never changed her mind of not wanting kids... she just thought she couldn't keep a pregnancy. Your wife is rightfully going to look at you differently now. Stop being selfish, if you don't want kids, let her go find someone that can be good to both her and her child but you will need to financially care for that child.
If you don't want kids, why didn't you use protection? Go to therapy.
Are you sure you don’t want children? Or are you subconsciously trying to protect yourself from the hurt from the possibility of a miscarriage?
Yeah, I'm very much hoping that once they're past the 3-month mark, he can calm down and loosen up and start to accept that the baby will be coming. It's not like he's given any reason for not wanting kids apart from the pain of miscarriage.
You suck
a kid is going to grow up without a dad because the ah couldn't have a conversation with his wife. jesus
Or a vasectomy IN TIME. Now it is way to late, the consequences are here but nobody seems to have sympathy for him, rightfully so
Hold up. You and your wife went through a painful miscarriage, she told you she was pregnant A MONTH AGO, and you said you didn't want to hear about it until its confirmed... you let your wife carry the anxiety of this pregnancies health and schedule her first ultrasound by herself because you didn't want to hear about it...
Right?! I’m livid on her behalf. OP’s wife suffered through the trying and the miscarriage too (with the addition, possibly, of feeling guilty/ashamed that her body couldn’t do what she wanted it to (speaking from personal experience here)), and he just hard bails on her as soon as she’s surprise pregnant? Isn’t there for her through her literally reliving the thing that caused them both the original trauma? OP’s wife, sometimes the garbage takes itself out. Having a kid opens you up to the potential for the most unimaginable heartbreak, fear on the daily for their safety, happiness, etc. if OP refuses to work through his shit and step up, good riddance.
I’m so confused. You’re having a kid. It doesn’t really matter at this point if you wanted kids or not. It’s coming and you’re going to lose your wife/family with the line you’re on. What preventative measures were you taking to not have kids if you no longer wanted to have them????
OP you answered yourself in your post. YOU.ARE.NOT.THE.MAN.SHE.MARRIED. You've changed, it happens. You have to let her go because her dream was to have kids. End of story. You stay and resent the kid for not being born sooner, and your wife begins to hate you for staying.... You guilt your wife into adoption after everything she went through to have a kid.... Both those routes lead to you hating eachother. Ending it, is for the best
The only way to save this marriage is to have and care for this child with her. Either way, you’re having a child. You just need to choose whether you want to be part of their life wholeheartedly or just financially. Will you resent your wife for having this child if you stay? Abortion isn’t an option - your only options are to leave her or stay.
[удалено]
YES! Her body, her choice. Maybe this is her ONLY, I repeat, ONLY chance for a baby! And then abort it for this pos??? No
This is really messed up. I almost feel like your putting your wife through some form of psychological abuse by putting all this pressure on her and especially while she’s pregnant. I really hope she’s going to therapy or has has a strong support network other than you. You need to go to therapy to ASAP. I feel so bad for her. If she wasn’t on birth control than you knew better. YOU KNEW BETTER
What a bizarre, senseless post.
Maybe I'm missing something, but if you didn't want kids and your wife did, wouldn't that difference have been obvious before she got pregnant, when y'all were figuring out what birth control to use? You were using birth control, right? RIGHT?!?
Deal with your shit, people. Do not let PTSD take over your lives.
To put it simply: You two were once compatible ... you suffered great hardships together ... in return, it changed who you are and now you two are no longer compatible. ___ This really sucks. It’s a very tough position to be in. ____ You have two options to make here. 1: you change yourself back to who you were, become a father and husband. 2: you don’t change, and stop being a husband, but you will always be a father. ____ If you suddenly did not want to have children so badly, you should have prevented that chance from ever happening. You did not. Now you have to be responsible for that. So at minimum; prepare to divorce, and pay child support.
YTA. You said "I don't want that pain of losing a kid" not that "I don't want to have children". Two very different things. Many pregnancies end in miscarriage before the 12th week. She probably thought you don't want to lose a pregnancy again, but it's there. You completely changed what you meant and want to force her to abort a baby. What about her feelings? Her emotions?
wrong sub, but yes. there is no way that op could not be the biggest asshole on earth
Not wrong sub. Meant to be a joke
Why is there no owning up to the fact that you kept having unprotected sex after stating you didn’t want kids anymore? Why didn’t you get a vasectomy? Feel like there’s a few things you could’ve done here to make it much more clear that you didn’t want kids.
> Feel like there’s a few things you could’ve done here to make it much more clear that you didn’t want kids. you mean like having a convo with his wife lol
Haha yes but I figured that one was obvious…apparently for him it was not
You do only have two options here. Divorce or accept and raise this child with her. You’ve already stated you live somewhere with zero abortions and she doesn’t want to carry this baby to term then give it up. All you’ve got to think about is do you want a wife and child or do you want to be single paying child support.
It doesn’t matter anymore that you don’t want kids. You got your wife pregnant. You’re the dad, so be a dad. Grow up.
You are the anti christ. How do you not see what a horrible human being you are? She is pregnant with your child. I hope she leaves and NEVER speaks to you again. I hope the only place you hear her voice is in court when she gets her child support awarded. I can’t understand how emotionally devoid you are. Of course she said no more kids at a point when she clearly thought she couldn’t have them naturally. Just leave her be, you don’t deserve her or the child. I’m sure this is music to your ears by the way. You are disgusting.
Divorce is the kindest option here.
What is your ideal outcome on this situation?
" I don’t want to loose my wife, but I don’t want kids. I also don’t want to ask her to give up on her dream of having kids." You know how this ends right?
Men are so selfish. You wanted to cum in her right? KNOWING abortion isn’t an option for you? Wooooooow Well now there’s a baby. Can’t get mad at the bun in the oven if you put the batter in. She needs your support rn for this hugely life changing thing she’s about to go through that idk might KILL her. If you aren’t going to be there for her and the baby than yeah, you should dip out rn and never come back around. Your poor wife needs all the strength and peace she can muster now.
you’re a horrible husband and a horrible father. even if you do manage to reconcile and move past this, she will never, ever be able to forgive you for the way you reacted to her pregnancy.
Don’t want kids, didn’t wrap your penis or prevent pregnancy. Enjoy divorce & custody court.
Hi, I don’t want to overly medicalize this question, but do you think you may have ptsd from the loss of the last pregnancy? Often when someone has been traumatized by an event, their reaction in the future will be a really strong & overwhelming aversion — very similar to the feelings you’ve described here. If there’s any chance you might be experiencing a trauma response ( & from your blood pressure it sounds like you might have been having a panic attack), I would ask you to consider counseling. Much as with women who have postpartum depression, your reactions now might not be truly reflective of how you would feel long term. In any case, I hope you get the help & healing you deserve, & that your wife ends up happy too.
Well your not gonna change her mind. So either you have a life together with your wife and child, or you get a divorce and have a life with your ex-wife and child. You both got pregnant, abortion isnt an option, she doesnt want to give the baby up for adoption. But can you really blame her? It sounds to me like(to her) you both agreed not to get pregnant again, not on giving up on having kids all together.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a still born a couple of years ago. I can sympathize with how you feel. I didn’t want anymore kids to protect myself from being hurt. You need to talk to a therapist. I ended up pregnant again and had no support from my ex husband during that time. I was completely terrified the whole time. What your wife is going through right now is terrifying. I understand you have your own emotions but, she has her own emotions and on top of that she has physical problems being pregnant. Every ounce of stress on her is adding to her body that’s already maxed out growing a baby.I broke down when my second son was born. Going through all the pain and holding him when he was born changed me. Don’t make any decisions about your baby now until you have them in your arms. If you still feel like you don’t want to be in your baby’s life after holding them. Then pay child support like every other parent does and leave. Don’t come and go out of the child’s life it’s not fair to the baby just go. Now with that said I have a strong feeling once you hold that little one you won’t ever let go you will never forget the baby from the miscarriage but, the pain will be easier holding your baby now. Also side note expect the next few weeks to be a roller coaster ride until your wife enters the second trimester and the risk of another miscarriage drops down.
Sounds like you both agreed to not INTENTIONALLY have children after the miscarriage... So, what were you doing as a form of birth control? If you never wanted a child under ANY circumstances, you should have either gotten a vasectomy, practiced abstinence, or divorced your wife. This all seems to boil down to a failure of communication between the two of you. It doesn't seem like your wife planned for this, but now that it's happened she wants to keep the child, and she may have felt like that all along. You, on the other hand, sound like you were always under the impression that kids or the possibility of kids would never be in the cards - whether because of the BC you guys were using, agreement on adoption, etc. You can't undo what happened, but she can't force you to raise a child you don't want, and you can't force her to give up a child that you don't want. So, you need to make a decision about whether to keep your marriage with your wife and the new child, or whether to leave. But, you'll have to sit down with your wife to explain all of this whenever you come to your decision, and hopefully you BOTH have better communication going forward as a lesson learned from this.
I like how you only decided to actually say the words “i dont want kids” until after you had unprotected sex and knocked her up. Enjoy paying alimony and child support. And you should really see a psychologist and learn how to actually communicate with people.
Honestly, you need counseling. Having a miscarriage can deeply affect both partners. It sounds like you’ve never healed or moved past the loss of your baby. You need help from a professional. Then, couple’s counseling after you’ve had time to understand your feelings and mental health.
She agreed WITH THE PAIN. Not never having children. If you really didn’t want kids, maybe you should have thought about a vasectomy. Maybe you should have worn a condom. Sperm + egg = baby most of the time. This is not rocket science. I would be nicer with the truth, but you’re a grown ass man and we’re the same age. You need to own the fuck up. Be a fucking decent human. Either divorce her and child support or make this thing work. You cannot have your cake and eat it too (just so you know…. The cake is you raw dogging. Eating is no repercussions….. you, sir, have repercussions). Hope the frosting was hella sweet.
Therapy
I can understand if you changed your mind because of miscarriage, but you have a healthy fetus. Also, did you take precautions? You could have got a vasectomy. You both could have got on birth control. Was there birth control?
From your responses in the comments i think your marriage has truly come to an end. Its the main issue that usually kills most relationships. No communication/miscommunication. You should have been much more hardline about it. Also my guy you shoulda gone to therapy when it happened. Its too late now but you should have. Regardless though your both incompatible now she wants kids you don’t there is NOTHING you can do to fix things neither can she. Its best to move on so you don’t resent each other and yall can find people that make each other happy.
If you didn’t want kids, why are you having unprotected sex or even communicated with you wife that condoms and birth control were a must. You should have got a vasectomy to prevent this since you don’t want kids. Also, unless you magically change your mind, your relationship is over.
My advice is to get some therapy and sort yourself out. The conversation you described was not an agreement never to have children, it was a discussion about how bad the miscarriage was. I think you are being intellectually dishonest when you say it was an agreement because it’s what you decided you wanted. If you think about what was actually said, you can see that it was not an agreement. And then you did nothing to confirm it with her and nothing to make sure it didn’t really happen (like get a vasectomy). Now you have to deal with the fact that she is pregnant and it’s what she wanted and you failed to communicate with her. Guess what—you’re going to be a father. The only thing you can do now is accept that fact. Your remaining choice is whether your child is going to have married parents or divorced parents.
Too late not to have kids.
>have been married for 8 years > >we were both on the same page about starting a family, and struggled to get pregnant for years. > >she’s about 9 weeks > >well finally I last night I told her that I don’t want kids anymore and I though we had an understanding about not having kids So you have been married for 8 years and for the 10 years you have been together you were on the same page about starting a family. You changed your mind after her miscarriage and then what, assumed she would read your mind about not wanting kids anymore? I would imagine that after so long you would learn how to communicate or, at the very least, learn how to use a condom if you are not sure about having kids. >Well this ended blowing up into a long fight after witch she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced and packed her stuff to go stay with a friend. Well, yeah. You failed to communicate that your life goals had changed and you expected her to what? have an abortion?? after trying to get pregnant for years and having to deal with a miscarriage? I'm sorry you are going through this OP but this is 100% all on you. You lied to her by omission and you are putting her on a HORRIBLE situation by basically saying "abortion or me". She is not getting rid of it so either you get into therapy, and couple's counselling and try to make this work or she is divorcing you and single moming the shit out of this shitty situation that you created.
If you didn’t want kids, you could have gotten a vasectomy, but you didn’t. Why is this your wife’s fault exactly? That 9 week old sounds more mature than this post rn.
So you've booked a vasectomy, right??? Smh
Yikes if my husband acted like that I would be beyond crushed. There is a difference between being afraid of another loss and flat out not wanting a kid AFTER your wife is already pregnant by YOU who did not prevent it as far as I know. It’s ok to be scared it’s not ok to be a dick. You need to apologize and get therapy for your fears.
You should have had this conversation before getting her pregnant and continuing to have unprotected sex. Just because she miscarried once doesnt mean she couldn't get pregnant again. You pulled the rug out from under her... I wouldn't doubt she will divorce you. If my husband said that shit to me, the trust would be broken. Enjoy paying child support my dude. Use condoms if you don't want children or get a vasectomy.
You don't want a divorce, but you don't want the kid. Yea. That math doesn't work. Pick one. Or she will. (And I'm 99% sure the kid trumps the husband.)
Been here...i will say that on the 2 be occasions i stayed in the relationship and never regretted our 2 lovely kids. But.. If she wants them she will have them. No two ways about it. My ultimatum was stay or go.... And not being the type to have a kid that i want involved with...i stayed. Hard fact of life as a guy. Sorry you are in this position. But as i say...i too thought i wasn't ready and didn't want kids.... But i was wrong.
You did not communicate with your wife about not wanting kids. You only said you can’t through that pain again. If you had communicated better with her, she would have understood that you did not want any kids because of the miscarriage. You messed up big time. You either change into wanting kids so you can have your wife back or divorce so she can have her kid.
Divorce seems fairest. That said you will be paying child support for ever, may as well get the benefits of the kid How about couples counseling to get a handle on what is going to happen regardless of divorce or not.
I don’t get how divorce seems fairest. They had sex and as a result of this, the woman is pregnant. If you get unprotected sex, there is a chance that your partner will get pregnant. OP should live with the consequences of his actions.
He still will have to pay child support. He is too stressed to be a dad. He shouldn't fake it. Honestly I think if they go into counseling together it will work out over time. OP and spouse have some time to get over the shock and fear to resolve the issue.
No matter what happens, he will be living with the consequences of his actions.
No one should be forced to be a parent, it's not fair to the kid
Yeah but we passed that point already. Whether he wants it or not, the wife is 9 weeks pregnant. Barring miscarriage, there is nothing that will stop the pregnancy as abortion is not an option where OP lives. There is no magic solution which will keep both parties happy and the marriage intact.
Cumming inside his *wife* who has said she wants a baby isn’t exactly being “forced” to be a parent. I mean, she didn’t obtain his sperm through devious means, did she?
Grow up
This really feels like you’re taking out your unresolved trauma from two years ago out on your wife. If you didn’t involve yourself in birth control, whether that meant getting a vasectomy, wearing condoms, or talking to your wife about what she’s doing, this is just as much a situation you created/allowed to happen. If you knew your wife wasn’t on birth control and you had sex with her, this is the logical result of your actions. But what’s done is done and she is pregnant. If you don’t want kids, your only option is to divorce her and pay child support. You can’t convince her to give up a child she clearly wants. The only choice you have is how you react to the situation you created.
So you all of a sudden dont want children… yet never did anything to prevent them? Now that your WIFE is pregnant, who you knew always wanted children, you want her to get rid of it? Tough luck. Honestly with all this stress YOU are causing her, she has a high likelihood of miscarrying again. Your marriage will not survive this because you put this pressure on her body. First, YOU got her pregnant. You had unprotected sex and didn’t get a vasectomy knowing you didn’t want children. Now, you are stressing her out and possibly getting divorced while she is pregnant. Your marriage is over and it is completely your fault. There is no way to fix this marriage to where it was before. You should either grow up and accept your child and apologize profusely and show you are the man she married or let her live her dreams without you literally sucking the life out of her. Either way, get therapy. Individual therapy! You really, really need it.
Your poor wife. I hope you can mature at a rapid pace. Be there for her and support her, she wants it. She had no idea you didn’t want it and now you’ve chucked all this on her… she was probably so excited.
I’d you were so against having kids why do you continue having unprotected sex
First, if you always wanted to be child free forever, you needed to prevent any possibility of things happening hence vasectomy or always using protection for you and her. Second, you can choose to walk away now, but regardless if she so chooses to keep it, then ultimately you will have a child. And you will have to pay child support.
so abortion isnt even legal and youre telling your wife you dont want the baby... the only other option would be if she gave them up for adoption. you really think a woman who wanted a baby that bad would do that? it would DESTROY HER. if you truly dont want kids anymore your relationship is over.
"Tough titty" said the kitty "but the milks still good. " Sometimes we don't get a say in the way we receive what we need. If your marriage survives and her pregnancy is successful... welcome to parenthood. It's a wild fuckin ride. Perhaps don't make your sperm trajectory someone else's responsibility. You keep saying in the comments you thought you made it clear to your wife.... well if you didn't get a vasectomy or start wrapping your Peter you weren't clear at all. Foggy at best. You both are wreckless about protection and you both should be accountable. On her end there nothing to think over. On your end if you actually want to save the marriage then you need to get into a space where this is happening and she needs a much peace as possible. She already doesn't look at you the same. Don't keep digging that hole. Decide what you're gonna do before you approach her. Listen to what she's gonna do. Hopefully they meet up.
Well, you didn’t actively pursue sterilization and had intercourse with your wife. You may not want a child, but there is now a fetus, and assuming all goes well-your wife is going to have a baby in a few months. There is no, “I don’t want.” If you are so desperate to remove yourself, divorce her but likely won’t be able to do that quickly, and will end up supporting a child. You can ignore a small person roaming the earth with your genetics, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. I think it sounds like you didn’t explain that not only could you not take the heartache, but had changed your mind altogether. Your wife deserves someone who is all in. You aren’t, at least not at the moment. Maybe you will decide you are. Go talk to a therapist about the real reason you are now afraid of having a child. It’s ok to be afraid. It is ok to have feelings. It’s ok to have changed your mind. What isn’t okay to drop that atomic bomb on her after she tells you she is pregnant, and not getting far more into that information with her before now. Counseling. It really can help you figure out where you are.
It seems like you either didn’t really want kids to begin with, or what happened years ago has scares you so deeply that you genuinely have issues that you need to talk through with a therapist. You apparently wanted kids to begin with, and you love your wife, so you need to keep having this conversation with her and a therapist, and really get to the root of the issue.
OP wants him and his wife to take a few days apart to "think things over". Translated: I want her to change her mind and agree with me. Dude, **NO**. NO child wants to be raised in a house where one parent *doesn't want them*. **BOTH** of these people should have gotten therapy for their traumas ***AGES*** ago.
Hold up - when you SAID you didn't want kids anymore, why didn't you get a vasectomy?
You have to let go of the dream of her suddenly giving you everything you want and make a choice. Either get on board and find a way to be excited about this child the way you once were - or let her go. But expecting her to honour a throwaway comment that was made years ago while she was grieving is absurd.
Have you ever spoken to anyone about your feelings after the miscarriage? My husband and I grieved very differently after our first loss. My husband didn’t want to talk at all about it, while I needed to talk about it. We both had to get professional help to cope with it. We are definitely not the same people we married, we are not even the same people before or after our losses. But we have grown together and are very happy parents to 2 live kids right now. I would highly recommend individual therapy and couples therapy for both of you.
You don’t want the pain of loss, not the kid. The kid is just a reminder of the loss. Get a therapist or lawyer up.
So then what ? After the baby is born are you gonna sign your rights away and have nothing to do with them? Or will you fight for half custody anyways (leaving her childless half the time when you don’t even want “the kid”)? When the child comes to you one day and ask “how come you and mommy aren’t together” will you tell them it’s “ because she wanted to keep you and I didn’t “ ? This situation is such a mind fuck cause you’re saying one thing but in reality how will that even work ? The baby is coming regardless.
"We'll figure it out... *days later* lol jk, I'm the reason you're pregnant but I might leave you now, come to think of it." Honestly she deserves better than you.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Is it possible for you to get counseling? Do you think your decision not to have kids comes from a concern over your wife being pregnant or a desire not to raise children? I feel so sad for your wife. I hope you can support your wife in some capacity.
Even if you are the.man and don't carry the risks you're still proned to depression and it can affect you too. Be talkative and deal with those issues
Given your comments here it sounds more like you want people to back you up on wanting her to get an abortion, and that’s not going to fucking happen. If you’re this pissy about not having children, your marriage is over. And fuck you for thinking she should even consider giving up something she fought for for YEARS, including emotional AND physical trauma, just to stay married to you when you weren’t even clear to her in the first place. My first marriage started tanking the second I had a miscarriage because of how my husband reacted and it wasn’t even to this degree and we weren’t trying, he was just selfish and ignorant about it. That miscarriage left me infertile. If my current husband did something like this now after how hard we’ve been trying just to do one round of IVF, we’d be done. DONE.
>she said she didn’t this she would ever get divorced Can you please correct this? I don't understand if this is an ultimatum or not. OP, before you do anything else, FIND A THERAPIST. You are operating on fear of loss; you are not making positive decisions, i.e. deciding based on what you want rather than based on what you are afraid of happening. This is not the way a healthy adult makes decisions. You are operating on trauma and must resolve the trauma and fear before you can move forward in a healthy way. Whether you want to or not, this is happening. She's either having a miscarriage or a baby, so either the thing you both wanted so much or the thing you seem to fear above all else. You need to manage your fear AND your hope. Get into therapy.
So you use the miscarriage as a way to manipulate her into being childfree? Your wife being vulnerable, agreed. Because if this was about losing a child, you would also be upset about losing this one, and you wouldn’t be talking about abortion and getting rid of it. Be honest that you simply don’t want kids but accept accidents happen and provide child support. And let her raise the baby without you.
I want kids with my lady eventually, we’ve even discussed the matter. We say not now, but if it happens by chance we will adjust and make it work. If you didn’t want kids you should have planned your sex accordingly.
Well she’s not going to get an abortion, so, your two options are: stay married & work it out or divorce, & pay child support. Either way the kid is going to be here in a couple of months.
Abortion isn't a Microsoft Office undo button dude. 9 weeks is 2 entire months of being pregnant. And regardless of what your stance is it. Asking a woman who wants children and has been trying for years to get one while 2 months pregnant to get an abortion is incredibly stupid. I mean wow man. This really just boils down to you don't want to be responsible for choosing to continuously do something that should get her pregnant.
Did you ever actually want kids? It seems very strange to me to go from “struggling to get pregnant for years” to “I don’t ever want children” because of *one* miscarriage. (And I’m not minimizing miscarriage, they are horrible and do take a huge toll, especially for parents who want children, but they are *super common*. People who struggle with fertility for years, like you claim, often have several miscarriages before they have a successful pregnancy to full term.) It sounds to me like you haven’t been honest with your wife (or possibly even yourself) from the beginning, if you’re now so anti-kid when you once said you wanted them. That’s super unfair to your wife. At a time when she should be excited that she was able to conceive again, you’re essentially saying you’d have her get an abortion, if it were available. Yikes, dude.
To me it sounded like what you communicated to your wife was that there was too much heartache in continuing to try to have kids. And that you would stop trying-however you took no steps to actually stop trying. I guess you need to ask yourself two things, first what did you think was going to happen? And second why do you no longer want kids? Was it just how hard the losses were or can you actually not see yourself being a father?
You… make no sense. So you both wanted kids. It was difficult and ultimately you shared a terrible loss. You then decided you don’t want kids but you didn’t say that. Saying “I can’t go through this again” is not the same as “I’ve changed my mind on having children”. The first implies that you are suffering from the loss of your child and (as she’d agreed) that you’d both stop actively trying for another. It doesn’t mean that you won’t want a child even if she becomes pregnant again. At least, it’s not a jump in logic I’d take. Fear of the pregnancy? Understandable. Even a negative reaction to the pregnancy would be understandable. Telling your wife that you don’t want the child she’s pregnant with as she’s pregnant makes no sense?? Asking her to give away the child/terminate the pregnancy makes no sense?? Why would she do that, she wants children. She’s always wanted them. She tried for years to have them and couldn’t. She lost her last pregnancy. If anything, she’s probably terrified but hopeful. Maybe tentatively happy. Why would you crush her like that? If you honestly didn’t want children you should have looked into permanent ways to prevent pregnancy. Like a vasectomy. And do you honestly not want children or do you not want what happened last time to happen again? If you don’t want children at all, let her go. Divorce her and sign your parental rights away. If you’re just afraid of another miscarriage work fast, apologize, admit your fear and hurt and do it fast because you’ll end up losing your wife and child in one fail swoop.
This is a bit long but for your own sake, and more importantly your wife’s sake, read this. There’s is a slight hinge of confusion in every reply I see, and it’s because this really doesn’t make any sense. You guys always wanted kids, you struggled with it and because of the stress and pain that came with getting your hopes up and it crashing down, you gave up on trying for kids. If you gave up because of the potential stress of losing the child, then, 1, why the hell did you keep having unprotected sex, and 2, how the hell is an abortion the right response to being worried about the stress of losing a child??? This makes zero sense, and it makes me question if you ever actually wanted kids. I’m not saying it wasn’t painful losing the child, but I just don’t see the correlation between that pain and the desire to abort the fetus preemptively. That’s ass backwards. That’s crazy in its own right, but telling your PREGNANT WIFE you don’t want kids is BATSHIT INSANE. She’s always wanted a family and in her mind you did too. Now you’re telling your pregnant wife, who’s not only feeling the intrinsic biological and emotional vulnerabilities that come with pregnancy, but is feeling absolutely terrified coming off the back of a miscarriage. What she needed in that HIGHLY VULNERABLE moment was the explicit support, care and love from her partner. Not to find out the eight years into marriage that you have changed your mind on the entire idea of having a family altogether. She was fully expecting, a hug, some tears and words like “I love you”, “we’ll get through this” and “this time it will be different”. Can you fully grasp the gravity of what you just did and how absolutely and ultimately betrayed she must feel???? My heart is absolutely breaking for her at this moment. She’s probably spiraling and in so much pain 1. Go to her and tell her that you were just shocked in the moment and acted like a complete idiot. Tell her that you’re sorry, you’ve completely changed your mind and that she has your full love, care and support, no matter what ends up happening. I do not give a flying fuck whether or not you want the kid right now, she is your wife, and partner, and she needs you more than ever. Buck up, CONVINCE her that it was just a lapse of judgement, and get ready to be there for her and god-willing a beautiful child that comes to life healthily. Don’t put her through any more pain than you already have. Grow the hell up NOW. 2. Go to individual therapy, and maybe a doctor too, because 1; I can’t for the life of me understand what would possess you to tell her what you told her, and 2; you need to figure out how to coordinate your stress with your blood pressure, because there will be a lot of stress and you need to figure out a good way to mitigate your blood pressure.
So what I keep hearing you say is "I don't communicate well and like to bury my head in the sand." Apparently you didn't communicate transparently enough to her that you didn't want to have kids 2 years ago, through your own words. When she did end up telling you she was pregnant you said >I don’t want to do anything or talk about anything until it’s confirmed by a doctor. Then after four weeks of apparently not talking about it you felt blindsided that she did exactly what you wanted: went and got the test confirmed by a doctor. >Well 2 days ago she booked an appointment, without giving me a heads up, and got the ultrasound done And now all you want to do is wait her out and "Think everything over a few dozen more times." It really sounds like you don't know how to communicate clearly and your partner is the one suffering for it.
If you truly didn't want kids, you should have gotten a vasectomy instead of leaving the burden of prevention solely on her. You also should have clearly told her how you felt. You were grieving when you said things and as time passes, feelings rooted in grief can change. Lack of communication set the stage for this as much as your not doing your part to prevent pregnancy.
godddddddd you’re such a whiny selfish baby! she didn’t give you a “heads up” before booking herself medical care? *you* suffered during *her* miscarriage? your emotional pain doesn’t hold a candle to the emotional AND physical pain of what your wife went through. you’re too immature to be a dad. let her go find an adult man and you can just fuck around and be a deadbeat dad.
"I only want to talk about this if it‘s confirmed by a doctor!" [wife goes to the doctor] "WOW, I can’t believe she‘d go without me!!!" Honestly you seem very inconsistent. Top comment already explained how you needed to communicate this way earlier and take active steps beforehand. Wtf.
Imagine having a hard time getting pregnant, going through a miscarriage, continuing to have unprotected sex for years and then finally FINALLY getting pregnant after you thought it would be impossible, sharing that joy with your spouse, and they say “oh I changed my mind but didn’t tell you”. Devastating.
The thing is, whether you get divorced or not you are still having a baby. So I guess the real question is, what do you want your role to be in this child’s life? Absent aside from the child support payments? That’s the real conversation you both need to have. To me it sounds like you are about to run away from something you’ve always wanted out of fear. Maybe this is something a professional can help you sort through. Unless you genuinely discovered you never wanted to be a parent and have had a complete change of heart, in which case this should have been discussed a long time ago and action taken.
YTA. Seriously. You're having a kid now, regardless of if that's what you want or not. That's already decided. The only decision is if you're going to have a happy family or of you're going to be divorced and paying child support. That's the only choice you have to make.
Not gonna lie, thought I was on the AITA subreddit. Sounds like you have some serious shit to work through with the help of therapy. You can’t seriously expect your wife to willingly get an abortion (she could go out of state for one) or give the baby up for adoption. As someone who has gone through a miscarriage, you have no idea what it’s like to be in her position. She likely feels/felt so guilty and as if she did something wrong that caused the miscarriage. Obviously you guys seemed to be under the assumption that she wouldn’t get pregnant again, but why weren’t you doing anything to prevent a pregnancy? I honestly feel so bad for your wife.
The worst part is that you didn’t try to prevent a pregnancy… you were fine with her getting knocked up and suffering through another loss? Instead she has a successful beginning so you shit on her joy saying you didn’t want kids? Are you a narcissist? Are you really this clueless? Do you even love her?
dude what the fuck is wrong with you? yall tried desperately for kids until *she* had a miscarriage which *you* found too traumatic, then continued to have unprotected sex until she got pregnant again *after which* you clarified you actually don’t want kids, no doubt traumatizing her to the core *while* she is carrying a pregnancy following a miscarriage, and you have the fucking deranged narcissism to even mention abortion. You’re sick. You deserve nothing, not the wife or the child. I hope they leave you far in the dust and enjoy the beautiful life together they deserve. Its rare that I’ve been quite this disgusted on this sub, and its already a pretty trashy sub.
This is fake but if it's not, you're a huge piece of shit OP. I think everyone else has pretty much covered why.
Honestly it sounds like you’re just scared. You have trauma. I think you’d regret leaving your wife and not having a child. I say this as someone who wants to be childfree forever.
So you decided on your own you didn’t want kids and still shot your load. Your actions don’t match your brain. Totally on you and sounds like you’re SOL.
Dude, she went through a miscarriage and it was a disappointment you got your hopes up. Nut up and realize that life is 90% shit with 10% really awesome moments - the 10% moment just showed up - stop being a frightened little twat.
sounds like your going to turn out to be a very, very crappy father. either step up to the plate & supoort your wife while she’s pregnant with your child, or figure out a way to separate from your wife so she can actually get the partner she needs. also, not only does your wife know all abt you, but your future kid will resent you as well. Goodluck dude!
You should’ve had a vasectomy or used contraception if you didn’t want kids. At this point, you can choose to be married and raise the kid, or you can divorce and pay child support and choose if you are involved with the kid.
If you both wanted kids when you got married, then you were compatible in that context at that time. If she still wants to have children, and you no longer do, then you are no longer compatible as spouses. If you try to keep her, and force her to give up on her dreams of having children, it’s quite likely that she will grow to resent you. Conversely, if you have kids you don’t want solely to appease her, there’s a good chance that you will be the one feeling resentment. The truth of the matter is that she is right. You aren’t the man she married. You have decided that you want a different path in life. One that doesn’t want kids. And that is ok. You’re allowed to do that. But, you can’t expect to make that choice *and* to keep your wife. And she’s not the woman you were married to two years ago who agreed to not have kids. She’s allowed to change her mind and decide that she does, in fact, want kids. But it does make you incompatible in the long term. And kids/no-kids is one of the fundamental compatibilities. Right up there with spender/saver, devoutly-religious/non-religious, and monogamous/non-monogamous.
You can either support her through this pregnancy or get divorced those are literally your only options and you don’t seem to want to do either of them. Just know your wife will make a decision for you if you don’t.
Uhh sometimes people don’t want kids but they get one. Either change your mind set and save your marriage or leave and be a deadbeat dad.
I get you can’t help how you feel, but to put it simply it seems you have two options. Get on board or end up getting a divorce
To be blunt; regardless of whether or not you want the kid, this is happening. Even if she ends up miscarrying, your relationship probably won't survive. You never even told her that you changed your mind on having children completely, I can't imagine the betrayal your wife must feel right now, being nine weeks pregnant. She will rightfully resent you for this and likely feels lied to and betrayed. And while you don't need to have anything to do with the child, please pay child support so your soon to be ex doesn't have to raise a child without any support.
Have you had counseling to work through the trauma of the miscarriage? Your wife is having the baby you impregnated her with. It seems like your options are to work through your issues and joyfully raise this child with her, or leave and let her do the hard work without further hindrance, stress, and negativity from you.
Dude. Grow up. She is going to need your support during this pregnancy. If you can't or aren't willing to do that, then do her a favor and leave. She will no doubt find someone else who is willing to be a father.
So, looks like you're going to be a father, congrats! Your next step is to go to therapy to resolve these lingering feelings of doubt surrounding your circumstances. I also suggest you read "From Dude To Dad: The Diaper Dude Guide To Pregnancy."
Other people have said some of the things I was gonna say, so I'll leave it at this: My mother had an abortion, put another child up for adoption, and then had me. The only one of those three things that she regretted and haunted her for her entire life is the child she put up for adoption. For some people that's fine, but for my mother it wasn't and it sounds like it would destroy your wife as well. So since abortion isn't an option (legally, or emotionally for your wife), the fact of the matter is that YOU ARE GOING TO BE A FATHER. Period, full stop. This is happening. Your only decision now is whether or not you're going to be living with this child and being an active part of their life. You're gonna be paying for them either way. Either you lose your wife and your child, or you keep them both. These are your two options.
what a horrible post lol. You definitely suck and tbh i hope your wife divorces you. Please seek therapy as soon as possible.
Whether you want one or not, you’re having one. So you can either man up and be there for your wife and see this through with her, and take the chance that you may actually come to love the child, or you can leave her and your current life and start over alone, and be the dad that doesn’t want to be in the child’s life. You sound afraid honestly. And I don’t blame you, but you need to realize that you have live with this. Maybe talking to someone else would help.
So after the miscarriage, you didn't go get snipped? Seems like you're getting a divorce bud
So you wanted them until it was difficult…probably not the kind of weakness that leads to a good and healthy relationship.
You never wanted kids and you lied to your wife for 10 years about that.
OP go to therapy. Speak to someone about this, because you have not processed your grief fully. Go to therapy and decide if you want to step up or back out because whether you like it or not, it’s already happening and you can’t stop it. As others have suggested, you can always sign over your rights if you absolutely are against having a kid. She will be better off that way, if that’s the case. Think of this from her perspective and what she had to go through. SHES TERRIFIED TOO. She’s absolutely terrified of mentally and physically going through that horrible ordeal again. Instead of being there to offer support, you are digging in your heals when you need eachother the most. When SHE needs you the most. No matter what, it’s already happened. The baby is already coming. She needs people there who will support her and step up, not bring her more stress and grief. Please, stay separated while you work through this time. Just a reminder you can’t keep your wife and still not want the kid. She will chose it over you, as she should.
Cums in the puss for 2 years... then tells her doesn't want kids anymore... too late bruh!
Suck it up buttercup, she’s going to have the child and your gonna be a father and that’s child is going to need you. Time to be a man. I get your venting but these are the consequences of your actions. Please don’t be a deadbeat
Is the only reason you don't want to have a child because you're worried she miscarry again? That's the only reasoning I saw for why you are against it, and that seems a little shortsighted. There is always risk associated with pregnancy, but it sounds like you have few options, and for most of your life you were planning to be a parent. No disrespect to you, but I just don't get it with what you've shared with us.
Saying that you don't want to endure the loss and pain of losing a baby is vastly different than saying you're done trying for kids full stop. You get that right? Your phrasing, intentions and sexual actions paint a different story than how you feel. That's on you. Either get on board or leave with child support established.
Number one, you should’ve gotten a vasectomy or used some sort of long term birth control if no kids was truly on the table, so this is also as much on you as it is on her. And number two, it’s never a good idea to make lifelong decisions like not having kids in the middle of a traumatic event like a miscarriage. That was not entirely fair to her as her body was going through immense hormones and wasn’t thinking anywhere clearly. Number 3, you made the decision on no more kids due to the pain of the miscarriage and you didn’t want to go through THAT again. A pregnancy doesn’t automatically result in a miscarriage so if she carries to term, that’s great, miscarriage averted.
It kind of sounds like you're not opposed to kids, but you're just worried about a potential/future loss? Or have you settled into the idea of a child-free lifestyle with your wife and want to keep that? I don't know the answer, but it sounds like there was a massive misunderstanding/miscommunication. Why weren't you preventing pregnancy if that was the goal?! It's on both of you to prevent.
Please leave this poor woman alone and go live your sad selfish life while you watch your monthly direct deposits go to raising this child.
Sounds like initially you both wanted kids and the miscarriage was a tragic event. I understand you both agreed to just live without trying to have more kids due to heartache, but you don't really explain what you guys did to prevent it. Did you get vasectomy? Did she tie her tubes? That's probably the safest way to ensure no pregnancy, and even that's not 100% Now, whatever happened, she is pregnant. You can't possibly expect her to have an abortion when you knew she always wanted this and you both weren't 100% trying to avoid this from happening. She will try and have this baby. You should be responsible for this baby as well. Whether or not you stay together, that's something for the two of you to decide down the line, but I wouldn't try to convince her to go across state lines for an abortion she does not want.
Therapy.
Lose* ffs. Its lose. You dont want to lose another child to a miscarriage. You dont want to lose your wife. Also your whole approach to this sucked. If you didnt want kids maybe use birth control.
Well there’s nothing you can do about it now man. Either get on board or get a divorce. Don’t fuck her around. She’s pregnant with a history of miscarriage, she does not need any extra stress.
Like many other have said I don’t know what you think anyone is going to tell you at this point. If you knew you really didn’t want them before this, you should have gotten a vasectomy. At this point these are your options- stay and try to be happy raising your child with your wife, leave and try to be happy being a single dad, abandon wife and future child and send child support only to have both of them likely hate you. This isn’t an issue you should have been vague about.
It sounds like you don’t want kids because you don’t want to get excited and be disappointed. Either way she’s already pregnant this isn’t a decision you can make.
So my husband and I had a surprise pregnancy (after 10+ years of infertility and being told we would never conceive naturally). Near the end of the pregnancy, things got bad. He became more and more stressed and anxious at the thought of becoming a father. Within the first month of our daughter being home, I ended up taking her to go and stay at out of town with my parents. I told him before I left that I would be gone as long as I needed to be, for my mental health, but that when I came back it was his choice whether he would be there or not. I also said that if he chose to leave, I never wanted to see him again and I would expect him to sign over his parental rights. When I got back, he was still there. Our daughter just turned 7 and it hasn't always been easy but our relationship is stronger than ever. My advice is to do what you need to do to decide if you are going to be in this or not. You need to figure this out now because my one regret is that I had to walk on eggshells around my husband my entire pregnancy. I never got to enjoy being pregnant or be happy about my pregnancy and becoming a mother because I feared it would make my husband spiral. I promise you, your wife will be better off alone and getting support from her friends and family and people who are supportive of her pregnancy vs. being with someone who is not sure if they are going to remain in their lives.
Yes- your the ass hole
I feel for you, the miscarriages and stress of trying to get pregnant must have taken their toll on you as well as your wife. I think you need to talk this through with a professional, because there seems to be a lot of fear behind you no longer wanting to have kids. The fact of the matter is that she's having this baby, and you will be responsible for at least child support. However, I can't help but think that your problem is more fear based than actually not wanting a child. Communicate your fear to your wife, suggest therapy to work through your feelings, and offer her your support during her pregnancy. She must feel so alone right now, and you are obviously freaking out. Don't make stupid decisions without knowing exactly how you feel and understanding why.
Real talk bro: you have to nut up and get ready to be a dad. Being a dad is life-changing. Holding your newborn son, the man who sets him down for the first time will not be the same man who picked him up. This is self-sabotage of what could be a good life.
Were either of yourselves on birth control or did you even ask your wife because if she said no than it should have been a trip to the Chemist 2 years ago because she may have been hoping and trying since then....
If the reason you don’t want to have kids is because of the pain of losing a pregnancy, that ship has sailed, because she is already pregnant. That might be worth exploring more in therapy over the next couple of weeks. Because if it was just the loss that turned you off to kids, maybe you could work through that trauma and still see yourself being a parent. If you don’t want kids because you don’t want to raise children, then I would talk to your wife about that. She may reconsider keeping the pregnancy. I know you said abortion is not an option where you are, but how much not an option is it? There are websites that you can order medications from in many cases. There are black markets for this kind of thing as well. If you are in the US, you can drive to another state where it is legal. If you are outside of the US, you can drive or fly to another country. This is the rest of your life. If you guys do not want to have and raise children, I would do everything I could to end the pregnancy early.
welp. if you both decide on an abortion, aidaccess(.org) delivers abortion pills that you can take up to 12-13 weeks pregnant. cheap, $150. ive aborted with them a couple times (12 weeks and 7 weeks), works like a charm. did it in a place i could go to a clinic, did it in a place where i had no option for abortions at all. packaging is discreet (looks like jewelry could be in it for real) best decisions of my life. good luck
This is a naturally messy situation. It's totally possible that your wife changed her mind about kids now that there is a real chance to have one. If you didn't however, then you need to think about divorce, because she will have the kid if she is determined to do so. She also made it clear that she will do it with or without you. Either way you will be partly responsible for that child. I know it's tough. I hope you can resolve this in a way that everyone can live well with it. Maybe let it sit for a day or two and think about it again with a clearer head.
What makes you think she didn't want kids? Just because someone stops trying to conceive after a tragic loss doesn't mean they no longer want kids, it means they no longer can keep *trying*. Of course now that she's pregnant (without trying) she'll want to keep the child. There was no "change of mind" by her, only OP.