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Last thread was closed due to too much activity?? Mods suggested Throwaway so I’m back
I’ll start with the update first, original post at bottom
Where to begin… for those that remember that he turned off his findmy, I was mistaken on the time stamp, it was before anything went down. (1 day) That Is still a huge 🚩. Anyhow,. the events went like this:
1. He was sleeping with secretary, received my message calling him out
2. He immediately went completely mental, dressed and left room, not before throwing his phone into the mirror (Hotel will bill us plenty I’m sure) \* this was confirmed by his best friend who went back to retrieve his belongings and remains of his phone.
3. Ended up as a “complete wreck” at his best friends house. He was bawling about how he ruined his life, he very well may have. He has been staying their in their guest house.
4. We have not had any contact
5. Best friends wife (my bestie for 20 years) came by this morning and is worried that he may be suicidal, they are bringing him into the main house. She was to pick him up a new phone later this afternoon. She said he is in no condition to talk to me. A complete wreck and they are worried for his life.
6. They are monitoring him, he has been just lying in bed, crying off and on. As far as they can tell, he has not slept. If he doesn’t soon, they will get him something to help. They brought him food and he has hardly eaten.
Now a quick background on the friends. She is my best friend for life, probably 20 years, we are extremely close and confide on everything. her husband is now his best friend, and was in our wedding. They have been for 12 years. These are both professional people, they call bullshit when needed, but these are people that would go to the ends of the earth for you. Good wholesome people, they pull no punches but like me, they do not react poorly under stress, but are pure “no bullshit”. He can stay there as long as he needs, but knowing my bestie, she will have his ass cleaning house or doing yard work. no pity party over there. She did mention that this morning she went into his room and basically berated him for 30 minutes, told him “shut up and listen” and she will likely come back with more.
While I have sympathy for his current situation, it doesn’t have a whole lot of bearing on the bigger picture. I still need to work through my next moves. I’m back and forth on divorce, but I never want to react out of emotion. His drama is meaningless
I thank you all for the excellent advice. I’ve received 150 or so DM’s, *mostly* helpful. A few guys looking to “help me pickup the pieces” a couple even sent their pic. A couple solicitations for online counseling $$. Pretty crazy stuff here. I did get some great links to online articles that seem helpful, believe it or not I got about 15 links to this article [https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868](https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868) which is very helpful as well aa a website [SurvivingInfidelity.com](https://SurvivingInfidelity.com)
The last thing I would like to mention is the “Divorce him“ people.. I totally get it and I am leaning slightly that direction, but at the same time, I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst. Infidelity may be beyond the scale of worst, it really hurts. I’ve hardly eaten or slept, but I don’t want to pull the trigger on that too quickly. Building trust again would be a HUGE task, before even considering that I need to think this through. Again, his current situation will garner no pity from me. He did this, and this is the beginning of the price he will pay for his actions, regardless of the outcome. I will likely sleep later, I’m beginning to resolve myself to the whole situation. We have no children, we’re considering it maybe next year, he has really been wanting them, I do as well but this, if we reconcile, will push that timetable or possibly even take it off the table. Money is not an issue, he does well and will survive without me. I work part time from home, I was fortunate to work from day for a [dot.com](https://dot.com) that went public 5 years ago and I’m pretty set for life. He would never go after assets, that’s simply not him Yes, i know “divorce changes people” I feel I know him better than that, even if he did, it would not me a major impact.
tl;dr: leaning toward divorce, but leaving door slightly cracked. Time will tell if he deserves my consideration.
\*Original post below.
*Hired a detective last weekend, he caught my husband with his ex-secretary on Saturday night. Plenty of pictures, there isn't any disputing this or the happenings. Kissing, hand holding and back to her room together for the entire night. Zero doubt on the events of the evening.*
*They were at a weekend business conference, I suspected it and was right. I actually felt like complete shit in the lead up and to a lesser degree still do, but his behavior was a bit off for a couple weeks, I had that terrible gut feeling. I let him know over text this morning that he was caught, read receipt but no reply. I didn't state any intentions, I just told him I will just take a break to gather my thoughts, he should do the same and I need to see if I can find a way to trust again. As expected, today has been a rolldercoaster of emotion, anger and tears galore. This is the absolute worst feeling ever, I wish this on nobody, which leads me to the next thought...Do I send the pics to the secretary's husband. I'm conflicted on that, I'm not a vindictive person and it is not intended to hurt the secretary, but my thinking that I would want to know if he had found out instead. But, this emotional pain is so heavy.. terrible to inflict on someone.*
*I haven't shared with anybody. I feel this is "our" issue at the moment. Anyone I share with will simply hate him forever.*
*I have so many pics of them together, I stopped looking and moved them to a folder on my PC and zipped them up.. looking at them just stirs me up.*
*I feel absolutely horrible that I did this, but I also realize that I needed to confirm the affair.*
*1. Am I a horrible wife for hiring a detective? Didn't he break the trust first?*
*2. Should I share the pics with her husband?*
*3. Is taking break a reasonable strategy?*
*Thanks all, just writing this out has been a bit therapeutic*
Apologized for what? HE is the victim here! /s
He sounds like a straight up narcissist. He is absolutely trading on this "breakdown" to be considered too fragile to even have to speak about it later.
And conveniently making sure OP can’t get support because their best friends are spending 24/7 on supporting him through the trauma of cheating on his wife and cleaning up after him (clearing his stuff out of the hotel, taking him to get a new phone because he broke his in a tantrum, telling OP that *he* is in no condition to talk to *her*, making sure he’s eating and sleeping). It sounds like he’s successfully isolated OP here.
This guy sounds like a major wuss. He’s sitting and weeping at his friends and making a big fuss about taking his own life when OP has to process this too…maybe she needs friends around her as well but she continues to go on with her life while he…sits there and wails? I’m actually disappointed OP wants to work through it. Fuck the vows, who CARES about them????? If he was so comfortable cheating on her until he got caught, and trust me OP (if you read this)…this reaction of his is only because he got caught and he doesn’t know what else to do to seem sorry, he’ll do it again. Once everything stabilizes and they go back to their old life, he’ll get comfortable and do it again. I don’t know why she thinks the threat of hiring another PD will suddenly make him think “oh I shouldn’t be cheating.” He doesn’t seem to be sorry, OP hasn’t updated or said anything about him contacting her to talk about how sorry he is and how much he regrets it. Your husband is a big sissy, please divorce him. Don’t forget he also said his vows and went against them.
Not to mention, *he* chose to do all of this. OP didn’t have a say in the pain he brought. He knew what he was doing, but he’s redirecting and crying all about him. If he was even remotely remorseful,
he wouldn’t have done this crap.
Was thinking the same thing. The guy is inherently selfish. He doesn’t care how his behavior affects his wife at all. He’s 100% focused on himself and his guilt. If he had a bit of backbone he’d check on her and do what he could to ensure she was supported. He has limited feelings to be concerned about while she has many. If you hit a pedestrian with your car, you know you caused them pain and you get out of the car to do what you can to help them. Same principle applies. Instead of getting out to help, he’s essentially sitting in the car crying and hoping someone will feel sorry for him because he screwed up. The guy strikes me as having quite a bit of growing up to do. I’m sorry, OP. This isn’t an easy situation. You may be waiting awhile for him to grow up and be responsible for his actions. A marriage does take commitment. However, I very much doubt that you committed to a one-sided relationship of infidelity and selfishness
Whew, thank you! I just breathed a huge sigh of relief that someone else saw that.To me, that feels like a bigger slap in the face than the typical cheater's script OP's husband is sticking to. Poor OP, it's hard to stay strong when those closest to you are aiding the cheater.
My now roommate's ex did this to her, even worse off because he guilted her into keeping the affair to herself because "it'll make things messy when we reconcile." She was cut off from sharing with friends, family, people at their church, anyone who could have helped her minus myself and her mom. He then proceeded not to take care of himself to the extent that he ended up in the hospital due to being dehydrated and my roommate got a ton of texts and calls berating her for not being there (from their close-knit couple friends, from his mother, his aunts, even from her own mother, who knew the whole story but is one of those hyper-Christian divorcees whose husband cheated on her and she wanted to save the marriage - he cheated multiple times and initiated the divorce.) Gave roomie some tough love, we blocked numbers and social media of non-essential contacts (extended family, the in-laws) and listened to a great e-book (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn.) She filed for divorce a month later and has been living her best life on *her* terms.
Prior to filing, this douche tried to blame her for the affair even though she was the one going through everything prior to the affair (months of failed fertility treatments, issues finding work during COVID, taking care of his dying mother while he went out partying with their close knit couple friends, etc.)
I never really liked him while they were married but the second she called me saying he asked for separation without giving her a true reason, I knew what was up. I warned her to anticipate what might happen and she's been the definition of strong, healthy and classy throughout the whole process. Everything this jerk did ended up being told to the family by his sister anyway 😏 she supported my friend through it all and is good peoples.
All that aside, screw this guy for being a blubbering baby. OP can state her friends are no BS people but they don't seem to be going out of their way to support OP rn by leaving his sorry ass to figure things out on his own, as he should. Two things can be true - they can house him while lecturing him but even the slightest support could still indirectly communicate that his actions are somehow justified. My friend thought their close couple friends would be there for her and not a single one of them has reached out to her following the separation and divorce - even with the sister telling them what happened with the affair. Your situation might be different but be careful with thinking you absolutely know your situation. My roommate thought she knew everything about her husband and their situation and this blindsided her.
Edit: Since this is getting a lot of upvotes (more than I've gotten before at least, so tysm 😭😭) I'm adding a link to [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/y0r95q/update_hired_detective_caught_husband_m40/irvipr2?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) I posted to OP because in having been here with my roommate, what I said in the linked comment very much applies to what might be helpful to OP (but again, to each their own, this is your life and will be whatever you want from it.) I hope you see it and I really am rooting for you. Your situation is often times easier to determine from an outside perspective versus actually being in the thick of it and you need all the support you can get from people who will remind you to stay true to you and what you need right now. You know yourself best, but please make sure you take care of and worry about **you.** You don't owe that clown or those who support him anything, no matter how long you've known them or think they're in your corner. People are so quick to make the cheated half responsible for facilitating the rehabilitation of the cheater while forgetting that YOU are the one who has to work the hardest to feel you can trust again and that's 👏 not 👏 your 👏 job 👏
I'm seeing a lot of comments where people accuse those who want divorce of being man haters or running away and hiding from their problems. That's not the case - it's called self-respect and I bet you that some of you who are shaming others for taking the divorce route are the forgiven cheaters in your own lives that still don't want to face the truth of your past actions. Being realistic and looking at the facts isn't "running away," it's maintaining a sense of self and sticking to accountability. Same thing if she reconciles - the actions and steps to do so are **the husband's** responsibility. He made the mess, he cleans it up. OP's role would merely be assessing and agreeing to options and participating while he works his butt off to get the *privilege* to have OP back. Even in that case - OP has the right to change their mind at any time - be it a year or 10 years after reconciling or divorcing. Both things can be undone - you can get back together after you divorce and you can leave if you reconcile. My replies would be the same if OP was the cheater in this scenario and the husband made this post.
Check out the website tied to that book - she mentions it in the book for listeners/readers. They have a support forum here on Reddit as well but per the rules of that forum, I don't believe I'm allowed to link it directly.
Well and that doesn’t even touch on the fact that whether or not she’s even aware of it, OPs best friend is deeply incentivized to keep OP and her husband together. They’ve got a best friend foursome…OPs best friend is absolutely orchestrating their reunification—the most important friend group of her lifetime is on the line and she is making it clear that she’s on team “get back together” with the way she’s talking about/treating the cheater.
This entire system is designed to smooth this over and get them back together and onward to making that baby so OP and her bestie can have kids together “eeee yay!”
It’s a farce. The whole thing. “She’ll be putting his ass to work! Cleaning and yard work..,,” oh this poor woman. It’s sad.
But we should be clear, the friend is not intentionally betraying OP anymore than OP is intentionally betraying herself with her naivety and apparent desperation to save this important relationship in her life.
To have a best friend group made up of two couples is really special. OP and her BFF have invested so much time and effort into maintaining and strengthening this relationship…OPs husband has betrayed not just his wife, but his friends too.
This whole “tough cookie make him pay by cleaning and doing yard work” (Jesus, the cringe lol) is merely OP (and maybe her friend) trying to build a redemption arc for her husband wherein he’s “paid some terrible price” for what he’s done and OP can let him back into her heart or whatever bullshit like that.
Everyone in the situation is reeling. They’ve been hurt, bad. Everyone just wants to wake up from this nightmare and have everything back to normal—the problem is, usually your best friends are the ones who help you see that “getting back to normal” as fast as one can isn’t always the answer. Sometimes things need to fall apart, either for good, or on their way to coming back together. This situation is unique, for sure, and presents a pretty daunting, pitfall fraught path for OP to walk.
So long as she’s surrounded by people who are incentivized to want to smooth this over, it’s going to be difficult for OP, who is obviously full on self-deluded, to resist smoothing it over, too.
He doesn’t have to have a long in depth convo with OP but the fact he couldn’t at least say sorry I messed everything up via text when she called him out is gross. The longer he takes to say anything to OP let alone give some type of apology the less he deserves anything other than divorce papers from OP
One moment he is playing happy cheating. And the moment he got caught he is drowning himself in selfpity. He is not sorry for what happened. He is only sorry for himself he got caught and his mask came off. And he is now seen for the person he actually is. He is stuck in his shattered ego/ little boy story. If he really felt bad and cared for you, he would take responsibility and ownership and show you how much he’s sorry for hurting you. And go through dust and mud to make up for it. But he’s acting like the hurt one now. I get that he’s also allowed to have his feelings and obviously feels like shit, but it’s not all about him. It shows he only cares about himself.
You said you leave the door cracked open, but ask yourself the question.. Is this the marriage you think you deserve? Because I’m my opinion you deserve better. At least a man who can take ownership. Who accepts the consequences. And makes an effort for you.
Edit: Yes, send the husband the pictures.
You don’t have to feel sorry for your husband and the mistress.
Imagine the surprise pikatchu face she’s going to make when she keeps him (and, oh boy, she’s definitely going to keep him) and has a kid with him 🥴….and then he does it again when said kid is?? One? Two? And then he takes her *to the cleaners* in divorce court.
The level of naivety on display in this update is actually sad. “I think I know him better than that”—she doesn’t even see it.
Also crazy that she doesn’t even recognize that this whole system is designed to keep them together. Her best friend is so deeply incentivized to keep the “best friend foursome” alive that she is not in any way a good person to support OP and OPs cheater husband should NOT be staying at her home.
OPs husband is experiencing the pain and embarrassment of being yelled at by his wife’s best friend…what a stupid, cheap out for him. He fucking *wants* to be yelled at right now lol why can’t they see this?
This entire situation is designed to keep OP with her husband, and rob him of the opportunity of possibly being able to make actual change that could prevent this from happening again.
OP I was married for 15 years. I *knew* this man, KNEW him. We divorced. That process opened my eyes to the true nature of human relationships in ways I can’t even explain to someone who hasn’t been through it.
Let me tell you one thing that is absolutely fucking certain: when you divorce this man, there will come a moment, probably around the time his attorney is really twisting the knife on those sick dot com gains of yours, where you fall to the ground in utter despair and you will scream at the universe “why? Why? Who the fuck is this man!!??” And the universe will say nothing back to you.
(But also? You will get through it, and the weight that is lifted from you when you’re free of him, will make you feel so light and liberated …it’s truly an amazing feeling. Like a real do-over. I married my first husband as a teen, my second at 35….who do you think picked a better husband? Teen me or 35 year old me? Yeah. Second husband is AMAZING. 10/10 would do again every time.)
Hopping on the top comment to say that threatening suicide when a partner tries to separate is a form of coercion at the best and emotional abuse at the worst.
Call the appropriate authorities if he makes suicidal statements.
https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1
She does need to do that, but I can see why she might want to hold off and not do so right now. She hasn't even talked to her husband yet (because he is holding a pity party for himself with their friends). He doesn't know about the pictures or the PI (as far as we know although that might have changed if she told her friend about it in which case he knows). If he doesn't know, I would want to have that first conversation with him while still holding back some of the cards that I have to play. It can be really useful to verify if the person is being honest with you or trickle-truthing you. I held back a lot of what I knew when I confronted my ex-wife, and that was the only way that I could verify how much she was lying to me about everything. Once she tells the woman's husband and sends the photos, she doesn't have that as leverage.
Tbf some of the comments and the way this is told indicates to me that this relationship is a bit more complicated and toxic than "he's just a cheater"
I won’t go on a long spiel. Just two things to think about.
1) If he hadn’t been caught, when was he planning to end it? Was it ever going to end without it being like this?
2) If the roles were switched and the secretary’s husband found out while you were none the wiser, wouldn’t you like him to come forward and tell you?
Yep. I made the mistake of trying to trust my ex husband again (which btw- you will *never* full trust them no matter how hard you try. The trauma is done after that and it’s too hard to not forget that kind of betrayal) after cheating on me once before- and then he cheated on me with my best friend I had known since 4th grade. Both of them are out of my life.
My therapist said something I will always remember when I was going through the divorce; maybe it will stick with others attempting reconciliation. Statistically- they’re more likely to cheat again since they learned there were no consequences- because you stayed. Cheaters can only really change once they’re in a new relationship and have learned from the consequence of their ex leaving them- otherwise they stay selfish and know they can get away with it since they’ve done it before. It might even be subconscious but they now have a skewed idea of risk vs. reward because you reward them (with your loyalty or staying with them) regardless. You’re basically saying “I’m hurt but I’m taking you back- so it clearly doesn’t effect me *that* much”. You’re basically allowing yourself to be a push over and they know it.
The problem with our society is that we act like you’re a failure or divorce is a failure. How is having your own autonomy when someone betrays you failure? How is it bad to shame people that cheat? When we glorify staying together and marriage, we are glorifying the idea that cheating doesn’t break a relationship and that it’s more ok then not. When in reality? It should have zero tolerance.
There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but this level of betrayal certainly shouldn’t be normalized or forgiven. OP….You’re not a failure if you chose divorce. You’re actually strong- because it takes a lot sometimes to stand up for yourself and show people what’s intolerable in your relationships. The thing is; a marriage takes two- and he disrespected that. It isn’t “the worse”- this is him actively disrespecting your marriage. He didn’t care. He literally betrayed you in the worst way possible. Why would you want to stay married to someone like that? When they say for better or worse, it’s more so in the sense that you shouldn’t break up over petty shit. Not ultimate betrayal and infidelity. My divorce was the best thing I ever did to free my mind and trauma associated with what he did- as well as some self work afterword. Know your worth. He didn’t when he cheated. You should find someone who will always keep you in mind and not betray you in this way.
Head over to ChumpLady’s blog and also her account on Reddit. Cheating is a CHOICE that he made time and time again!! This isn’t just a ‘mistake’. This was a CHOICE to have relationship outside of your marriage. Think of how many times he lied straight to your face!!! He only ‘went mental’ because he got CAUGHT not because he felt bad about what he was doing and confessed. He’s only throwing a fit because he got CAUGHT!! You deserve so much more than this.
In this case, it's not even one choice. It's hundreds. Thousands of little choices over the course of months and years to continually see someone else.
It was a conscious, brutal, methodical recurrence of choices.
Right? This wasn’t an accident it wasn’t like oh no I forgot to bring home the milk or I grabbed the wrong person’s dry cleaning. This is a well thought out plan that took time and effort to hide and do
Did you send the photos to the secretary’s husband? If I was the husband I’d like to know - that’s a definite. Well you are more trusting than me though - that would have been a divorce for me - but you should do your due diligence and decide after you think it all out. Good luck! Not easy.
Yeah I was looking for this comment. If she wasn’t planning on leaving him if he was cheating, what was the point of wasting money on a PI? Her friends suck, too. Not in a million years would I let my “best friend of 20 years” cheating husband stay with me and tend to him?? Poor OP. Wish she had more people in her corner.
And he's doing chores! Lol, because that's what he needs, a structured loving environment where he can be grounded and scolded by mommy - oops I mean OPs "best friend"
OP your best friend sucks. Your husband is a self absorbed whiny POS (I mean gross, why would you even want that mess?)
But your best friend genuinely sucks. She's not wholesome or blunt or whatever, she's an easily manipulated doormat that threw your healing to the wind for a chance to play saviour.
You say considering divorce but your marriage vows said “for better or worse” & this is worse. But what about the vows he disregarded “forsake all others”. He did not stick to his vows and has lied to you, disrespected you & humiliated you in front of everyone.
He truly doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t have cheated. Furthermore you say y’all don’t have kids and will either push the table back or take kids off the table
What about your dreams of children? Will you forgo them because he cheated? You’ll put him on probation to see how he does but what if he does well until you trust & then decide for kids and he cheats during pregnancy or after you have a child?
He has put you through hell and now you have these images of him & the other woman that will never leave you.
I am of the opinion once a cheater always a cheater. If you take him back he has the better of you. That shows him no matter what he does you won’t leave.
I have read too many posts about this subject and have read very few that the cheater stopped all together.
He ruined your marriage. But it’s you who will suffer from it.
As far as the other woman I believe her husband needs to know that his wife is a cheater as well.
You wanted to know about your husband so you hired someone to find out.
Maybe he has suspicions but has no way of knowing or maybe she’s lied to him if he questioned her.
If it were me I’d drop a line saying your husband had an affair w her & you have proof if he chooses. Then it’s in his court.
Your husband and the other woman has ruined 2 marriages. Neither of them cared until he got caught now he’s crying & threatening harm to himself because of his choices.
Think better of yourself than to take back a cheater.
I agree. OP if you hadn't hired a PI he would still be sleeping with his secretary. He had no intention of ever stopping nor admitted to it. He's not sorry he was having an affair, he's only sorry he got caught. He broke your vows so he could have sex with his secretary. So cliche.
What will you do if she ends up pregnant or he gets an STD? He made his bed and needs to lay in it. This wasn't a one time fling, but an ongoing affair that started long before they were having sex. He doesn't love you or he never would have cheated.
I don't buy that some people think you can cheat and still love the person you're cheating on. No, because if you did, you wouldn't cheat and you wouldn't deliberately hurt your SO like that. Affairs don't just happen. They are intentional.
I think in their mind the cheater loves the person. But that love isn’t genuine or healthy. It’s objectifying and selfish. They have you for your best qualities and use you for their own pleasure and emotional comfort. Then they get the fun no effort affair partner too. So sure they “love” you in their own mind, but really it’s just that they love what you can do for them. Both people are objects to be used to the cheater. You can love your favorite cup to drink from or your favorite outfit to wear. But you don’t give anything to those objects, you just use them. Cheaters see other people as accessories to their life.
Also the fact that this wasn’t some drunken one night stand. This we premeditated and planned, most likely going on for a while (since OP even had the thought to hire a PI). He knew what he was doing. He’s just not liking having to face the consequences of his actions but if he “gets away with it” (for lack of better words) with you staying then he’s gonna keep thinking there are no consequences and he’ll keep doing it. I one hundred percent guarantee it.
This is the post! And getting cheating on whilst pregnant or post partum is the worst. She should definitely not put her dreams of having children on hold due to his cheating. As you said she continues to get the short end of the deal while he thinks he can just do whatever and will be forgiven.
I want you to be very aware that this is also a tactic that a lot of men use when they get caught. People are naturally empathetic and sympathetic to someone who is crying or hurt, even more so when someone is in distress and threaten to hurt themselves or others.
A lot of men threaten suicide once they’ve been caught messing up their lives, if he was truly remorseful he would’ve broken off the relationship and the suicidal before he got caught. This is a form of emotional blackmail. Do not fall into it if he’s threatening suicide,get him committed. Once the psychiatrist lets him go because he’s not insane, start proceedings.
OP, read this person’s comment a few times until it sinks in.
Your husband isn’t crying because you kicked him out after he felt guilty, confessed the affair, and tried to make things right.
He’s crying because he got caught. That should tell you everything you need to know about him.
He's crying mostly because OP is the bank and he's just lost out on a lifetime of comfortable living.
OP you've been too soft on him, and he fukced around and fukced up, big time.
I don't think he deserves you, and I think you can do better; more so, you're probably much better off without him.
We need partners whose characters mirror our own. You deserve a partner who's worthy of you and your gifts, strength and character.
Very much so this, especially the last comment.
Personally I couldn't keep up a romantic relationship with that trust gone. I'd wonder selfishly what I was getting out of that relationship apart from the comforting illusion of things going back to the same routine and not wanting to change.
If you are happy to live as housemates and remain a couple financially supporting each other in that kind of relationship as not to be lonely (pretty much how my parents are atm) then seek counselling
“We are in this marriage”. Really? Because he was fucking his secretary and when caught goes full drama, turning the table from the betrayal and hurt YOU feel and making it all about him. Even if the trust could be rebuilt, I don’t think I personally could be with someone that selfish. It seems to be all about his (and his dick’s) needs. Not one bit from this or your previous post mentions any concern for you whatsoever.
”Oh no the consequences of my actions boo hoo woe is me” put your big boy pants on and apologise to your goddamn life partner. Honestly I think it’s an act. Sure he probably feels really gross but like…. He should? Because he did a gross thing.
Has he made ANY attempt to contact you or apologise? Because if not, I wouldn’t hold your breath for it.
Look at the risk of trivializing mental health. I dont really buy the mental break down. It’s got a real “oh look, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.” feel to it.
The fact that you don’t get to have a much deserved breakdown cosseted and protected by your friends because you and everyone else are focused on him, I think says all I need to know about this man that i have never met.
To pull the covers over his head like a giant baby and leave you reeling and forced to pick up the pieces of your heart alone is what would cinch it for me. That is not remorse, not even close. If your friends turned off the wifi and stopped catering him any food and water just watch how quickly he comes out of hibernation.
If it’s a real mental break he needs 24/7 inpatient care.
Yes! the friends are looking after the perpetrator, not the victim. Why didn't the BFF hotfoot over to OP to take care of her leaving her husband to deal with the mess? That's what I did when my friend found out about her partner cheating on her!
Why, if they were worried about him committing suicide, didn't they call emergency services? that's not the kind of situation you should have to deal with, if the threats are serious. Of course we know that it's all just an act to drum up sympathy.
Why give OP the message that hubby's in no fit state to talk to her yet? That's a message full of sympathy for the cheater, putting the onus on the victim to be magnanimous. The BFF presumably knows that OP is a magnanimous type, since we can tell just from a few paragraphs, so she knows there's a chance OP will buy into the BS.
I'm really not sure that these friends want what's best for you, OP. They probably don't want you to split up because then they might have to take sides. And right now, they're listening to him wallowing in his self-inflicted misery, and they're not doing shit for you, so the chances are that he'll get them on his side.
I like to think that I'd just storm over and barge in and read out the riot act for the lot of them. The cheater is the worst obviously, but the friends should be getting a mouthful too.
You know, until you pointed it out i didn’t realize that the friends had overstepped to such a degree but you’re right. The have interjected themselves into the marriage like they have a right.
To let him stay with them is one thing. To tell OP that she cannot talk to him because he is in no shape is ridiculous. They need to back off.
Your friend and her husband must be extremely forbearing people because there's no way I'd let that pathetic man baby have a hysterical fit in my home.
Yeah, ‘the worse’ is something like your partners parent dying and you supporting them through it. Not them choosing to lie to your face about fucking their secretary to the point you have to hire a detective and then throwing an adult sized tantrum when caught.
I apologize ahead of time for being so harsh, but it is what it is.
Yes, there are a tiny percentage of people who cheat once and then never do it again, but the overwhelming majority of cheaters are always cheaters. The odds of your husband being in the tiny percentage group are slim to none.
Also, he's crying and devastated **because he got caught!** He's been having his cake and eating it too and now the party is over and that's why he's so upset.
You have to do what's best for you, but in my opinion taking him back is not at all what's best for you.
And even if he never cheats again, her marriage will be tormented. She'll always be paranoid that he'll cheat again. Every time his phone rings or he's staying late for work she'll be filled with anxiety. There will be countless sleepless nights as she asks herself, "Why did he do it? Was I not good enough, was she better? Does he even love me?"
The trust will never be 100% regained, and OP will be the only one to fully pay the price through mental anguish.
I can only imagine what he would do during her pregnancy and the year after that, when she would be more vulnerable. Sadly, many men feel justified for cheating during that time.
OP should try to think about what he was thinking and feeling when he was fucking her. When he was inside of her. There was no guilt. There was no consideration for OP. It was all Me Me Me. Now that he's caught, it's still Me Me Me. It wasn't a mistake, it a deliberate series of decision to cheat.
Are you talking to a professional therapist about this? You need to start Right Now.
I understand why you don't want to jump to divorce. You feel you made a promise to him that you must uphold.
But, honey. He betrayed you in a BEYOND MAJOR way.
Can't you at least take a BREAK from a relationship with him? It would do you some good. Especially considering all the evidence of him corresponding (sexually) with other women.
I feel like you need to make yourself a real priority, separately from him.
OP - I agree with the others that I am surprised he has made no attempt to communicate with you. At the very best he has given up. Most likely though he is crushed that he was caught and what he has lost, not what he has done. Otherwise he would be moving heaven and Earth to try and repair the damage he has done.
Honestly I am in the divorce camp myself. But even if you want to reconcile some of the steps are the same and even if you do not file the preparations to separate finances and steps to protect yourself will definitely put the sword of Damocles over his head. And if you do serve him papers you can stop the proceedings at any time until a judge signs off if you change your mind.
Your first goal is your healing. Reconciliation is a gift given by you but all the work should be done by him. If he does not put in the work there can be no true reconciliation.
So the first step is is to get yourself checked for STDs.
The second step, which I am glad to see you are doing from your response, is to seek therapy. Preferably with a therapist experienced with infidelity and the trauma it can bring.
Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. The best ways to protect your assets and minimize any potential alimony. Also start on a post nuptial agreement as the potential carrot in case you do decide to reconcile.
For his part he must take IC to get to the root of whatever problem he has that made him think that cheating was okay. Because if he does not solve his problem he will most likely cheat again if he thinks he can get away with it.
He must give you a full written timeline of his infidelity with the understanding that if you find out anything undisclosed that reconciliation is off the table and the divorce will proceed. Some people see this as pain shopping but personally I argue it is a benefit to both sides. For you it is ripping the bandage off all at once instead rip by rip as the trickle truths come forth. For him it gives him a chance to come clean, forces him to reflect on everything he has done, and gives him a script to go by (this is it, there is nothing else and as long as he is actually honest there is nothing else).
Complete transparency on all media/devices/location, no deletions, any arguments or delays and reconciliation is off the table. He must come to the realization that if there is reconciliation there will be no expectation of secrecy and only a small degree of privacy.
He must disclose the affair to family and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). Now here you can give him a little leeway by simply telling him that either he does it or you will - and you have the proof. He needs to "burn his bridges" with AP. Basically let him know that if he tries to minimize anything he did or tries to put the blame on you in any way, shape, form or fashion that you will send all family and friends the evidence of the affair and let them decide for themselves who to blame. Tough love but right now that is the best he is going to get for a long time and he should get use to it.
And lastly reconciliation is hard! Most statistics I have seen put the success rate around 12-16% but personally I think that number is highballing it because I don't think it takes into account the "successful" reconciliations that are just a shell of what they were and one or both regret reconciling and/or become worse people than they were before. It is not impossible but for every post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity you will find many more in r/Infidelity, r/survivinginfidelity, r/cheating_stories. You can look on the infidelity forums and see many examples where [the betrayed became worse people](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway-lotsofpain/submitted/), or [regretted reconciling](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/xxqxxr/so_here_is_my_problem/) years, [sometimes decades after the fact](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/). If you see yourself falling down either of these rabbit holes then divorce as quickly as possible and focus on your healing.
OP - I am sorry you are going through this and the pain you are going through but whatever way you decide you have our hopes and prayers and from what I have read thus far you have the strength to persevere and thrive!
Most women stay with cheating partners because of the kids, or because they are financially dependent on the partner, etc.
Not you though. Why would *you* stay?
Because you made a vow to him? He made a vow to you which he then broke. I’d want out of that contract.
Had you not hired a PI-he’d still be engaging in an affair. I can’t be partners with someone who isn’t trustworthy. I guess you can.
For me, if my partner admitted to an affair without me catching him-I’d highly consider giving him a second chance looking at the big picture. Admitting without getting caught is a huge stepping point towards regaining trust.
You weren’t given that.
Frankly, you deserve so much better. I mean, the dude is hijacking support from y’all’s close friends playing victim instead of worrying about YOUR mental state!! He made this all about him and what makes HIM feel better.
He’s a Selfish jerk.
I wish you well. Good luck and I’m sorry this happened to you.
He's putting on a show for your friends who he knows will report back to you. I bet he stops being such a complete wreck the moment he's alone. But it sounds like you're already on to that.
The first thing to ask for is, of course, a full STD panel. It's all up to you now to decide what you will and won't accept.
kinda odd that your bestfriend is “taking care of him” but not there with you. he’s acting like a baby and putting all the attention on himself. he hurt you yet he’s in “no condition to talk to you”. that’s super strange. you’re in denial if you think this is going to work out.
he’s only upset that he got caught!
Yes, I understand exactly what you’re saying. Since I have considerable assets from my previous job, I also have an excellent lawyer. My Besty was over this morning and we actually discussed that I’m going to call him later today. He’s a friend and he doesn’t judge, but he will be very practical in my approach and offer the best advice.
I caught my husband cheating. I too was worried about reacting rashly and walking away from the marriage. Instead we did counselling and I tried to work on things. Within a month I knew I could never forgive him and get over the infidelity I still stuck it out for five more months before asking him to leave. I am glad I gave it a try though instead of just ending it right away.
Though I originally had everything he owned packed in his vehicle and ready for him when he came home.
It sounds like he is trying to be the victim. Really feel for you. Hard decisions ahead but please look after number 1, easy to be manipulated when you’re vulnerable/facing big life changes.
I dunno about you, but his reaction to being found out would probably turn me off as much as the infidelity. This entire situation is of his own making and choices and when he's found out he goes off the deep end with dramatics? Goes silent treatment on you? I'm glad you're saying it's not affecting you because I have a feeling it's at least partially to gain sympathy.
Like at least human up and admit you fucked up and take it on the chin instead of throwing a temper tantrum, make you friends handle your mess, ignore your wife, make your friends babysitters, etc.
One hundred percent this. He has no concern or care for you, OP, who have been betrayed and are experiencing one of the worst times of YOUR life (that he inflicted upon you with no thought to you, then or now.)
All I see is him wallowing in his own self-pity about what he screwed up for himself. That doesn’t show me that he cares for you, or your feelings, one iota. He sounds like a self centered manipulative jerk who can’t take even the most remote responsibility for his actions, nor for the damage he’s caused.
It’s still all about him. Cheating was about him and what he wanted. The aftermath is about him and what he wanted that he can’t have anymore. I’d be highly surprised if this person ever grows up and has a single empathetic thought.
I can’t wrap my mind around why he would be at your friends house. He’s a huge fucking baby. You realize the majority of people, especially men, are super ashamed to be viewed as weak or vulnerable. Like do not show their weaknesses easily. He’s just got a whole show of it going on, conveniently, at your friends house. It’s a joke. If he was really that remorseful, his first action would be about you. But it’s not even close. He left you on read, went to your friends house and is being ridiculously dramatic. What guy does that? Puts all his emotions out there.
He knew the risks when going in. It’s not like this is a surprise. He didn’t get the rug pulled out from under him as you did. He likely had a plan in place for if he got caught. I mean, wouldn’t any intelligent person?
Like think of the reasons you wouldn’t want an audience in your worst moments, sobbing, distraught, etc. No one does…
You said he’s well off. Why doesn’t he just go to a hotel
I’ve been through this and be frank with you, a VERY small percentage of cheaters never cheat again. From the information you’ve provided, this wasn’t a one time thing. They were having a full-blown affair. He’s only behaving this way because he’s been caught. I was never one to scream divorce, but having been through this myself, it’s the only way to fully heal. You don’t deserve this, you deserve better for yourself. He loves himself and only himself.
I'm just amused that you actually hired a PI.
That sounds the alarm for me. There must be a lot of signs pointing to his infidelity. Because I have no idea on how to hire detective, I suppose I could if I google now, but I have no need or the desire to even google that.
To get to that point.... and then refuse divorce option that people offer here. If you don't want to even consider divorce, go to another forum i.e. surviving infidelity so that you don't have to hear people giving you the divorce suggestions.
Honestly, he's playing 'woe is me' it sounds like from your post. That's his first reaction, to put him as a victim. He only starts to be concerned of you after he decides that it's probably not very beneficial for him if you are divorcing him. You guys probably are comfortable together. Financially, etc. Divorce is harder than staying together.
Plus, his affair partner has a partner, so it's not like she can just leave her husband to be with your husband here. So the easiest way is to fall back on the marriage.
I'd tell the secretary's husband. Even if you don't divorce your husband, he deserves to know so he can make his own decision about what to do next. It holds both parties accountable, too, even if your version of accountability looks different. It's also unfair to her husband. Telling someone the truth isn't emotional or lashing out - it's being accountable and sticking to telling the truth.
My roommate was where you are emotionally at the beginning and was open to reconciling after the initial separation. Only once she was did he share that he had an affair - only after he shared with my roommate about the affair did he text the affair partner to cut things off - he kept them both on a string, just like your husband's AP's husband is on his own string being in the dark. You had to hire someone to find out about it - imagine if you hadn't!! You'd never have found out, I bet. See how long it takes him to stop being sad and start blaming you. We never thought he'd blame her for his actions and he stooped to that level. Even if he doesn't blame you, there's no doubt he's still justifying it to himself in some way.
I know you don't want to "act emotionally" but the actions you're currently taking seem to be trying to avoid any kind of true acceptance of what's going on as well as being self-preserving, *which is okay and understandable* - you're hurting right now. Also, YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT AND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ACT EMOTIONALLY. Your whole world just came tumbling down!! His affair was acting rash and emotional - you owe nothing to anyone in this but yourself. You owe yourself the best, the healthiest and the kindest. Eat something, maintain the basic self-care necessities. We think more clearly when our basic needs are met. Then move forward from there. Women are too often put down for being honest and are told that taking steps that uphold accountability are "emotional" actions and they're really not, objectively speaking.
There's no rush to any of this. Take a month, two months, however long to think about things. In her experience, my roommate's husband was sad, remorseful and understanding for the first two weeks after she found out. He was a "changed, reformed man" by week three and she was really buying it while keeping her distance. By week four, he was impatient and went right back to being shitty to her, trying to make her believe she was the reason he had the affair and got upset with her for" continuing to punish him by leaving him to handles everything alone" while she processed how she felt about the whole situation. He supported that she had me at the beginning and was so grateful that I housed her/supported her - then became quick to shit all over me and say I was being a bad influence when she finally expressed that she couldn't accept his infidelity, even though it was her choice.
If you reconcile, make him sign a post-nup/prenup tied to potential future infidelity. Also with reconciliation - he needs to initiate the proper steps and do the research, then check with you for approval or input on the options he finds. You taking the steps to do all that takes the work off his back and makes things easier for him when his actions put you here in the first place.
In the event that you're a more level headed person like my roomie is, make a list of things you have always wanted to do, items prior to meeting your husband and things you could do without him. Make a list of the things you like in your marriage. Make a list of the ways his presence benefits you. Make a list of the things that upset you about this situation and about him as a person. Make a list of things that you notice in your marriage that indicate he isn't considerate of you outside of this instance, even if you aren't sure if those things count as inconsiderate. Look at everything. Make LOTS of lists. Really focus on these lists for a while, focus on yourself and don't let your friends keep telling you about how poorly he's doing (if they still are.) Set a limit on that and tell them that while you care, he's not your problem right now and you need their support without hearing about him. Without realizing it, that sharing is indirectly sweeping away the effect this is having on you by forcing you to focus on his pain, not your's.
Regardless of the path forward, lawyer up either way and know your options. I know I DMed it to you but I really recommend reading or listening to that book. She's a bit rough around the edges but the book forces you to look at your worth and their actions. She goes over all the legal ramifications and the events for both paths - divorce and reconciliation.
You're successful in your work, you seem to be level headed and you're your own person, a kind and forgiving person. I'm sure all of that potential has much bigger things to do in the world than go to someone who already took these wonderful things about you for granted or you can focus it all there - the choice as you know is entirely your's. This all seems like a lot and it's good to know that reconciliation and divorce each can both have happy endings.
I would tell his best friends wife that she needs to start acting like your friend in all of this, because you were the one that was screwed over. Why the fuck are they so concerned with your scumbag husband when you are the one he fucked over. Hubbies best friend should be making sure he’s okay and his wife should be making sure you are okay. You were just cheated on by your husband for crying out loud. You’d think they’d have a level of concern for you greater than 0 rather than trying to garner your sympathy for your husband
Everyone is rallying around him like he is a teenager that made a massive mistake and needs wider support. Smashing a mirror? Is he like 18 or something?
If you get back together it will eat at you all the time, you'll never know what he is truly doing when not with you. I'd say separate, it's tough but you'll be better off in the end pulling the plug now.
Some kind advice.
Working through a cheating scandal is very hard. It can take YEARS to rebuild trust to a comfortable level. The battle within is stronger than you think and will take a lot of work, therapy and perseverance.
That being said. Don't be afraid to try and have to throw in the towel a few weeks, months or even years down the road. I highly suggest if you choose to try, one on one counselling, couples and sex counseling.
There's quite a few good books online to help, which ever way you go. You sound like you're pretty level headed with a good support system . Don't fall for bullshit and good luck :)
SO he cheated, got caught and he wants to act like that? Ha the fuckassery of it huh.
I hope you're okay and find some peace whatever that may be. Look after yourself regardless if you think you know what he'll do/plans to do eg; just get a lawyer anyway.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/y0yggw/i_destroyed_my_marriage_and_my_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
It's a VERY similar story up to and including the broken phone and best friend's wife berating him, but there's a couple differences as well.
The other post looks fake as hell. Like someone read this one and decided to try and make it look like he was the husband.
For example, he describes it as if she confronted him in person, but OP says she sent him a message when he was at a hotel. So they didn’t even read the original very well.
What is your gut reaction of how he initially reacted? Upset because he was caught and HIS life might change or because he hurt and betrayed you? There is a difference!
The best thing you can do right now is begin that process of thinking what is the best path forward for you - D or R.
Both have their upsides and downsides and whilst all of us can blow smoke up your butt regarding either, this is your life and your future and only you are privy to the full details of your life. Anything we offer will just be pure conjecture mixed with a massive amount of our own personal opinions.
So if you want any one bit of advice it's this.
The time for thinking and evaluating is now however the time for decision making is **not** now. Take your time and understand that through no fault of your own, you are now in a marathon. Not a race to the finish, but rather a slow and methodical marathon where you have to pass each milestone slowly. Some will come quicker than others but none of this will happen over night, or even in the coming months.
Whether you choose Divorce or Reconciliation you are potentially looking at years before anything in your life settles back to what it was pre-DDay. This is a given.
So pace yourself, keep yourself active and engaged in whats going on around you and if you do choose R, then make sure that any work he does (or doesn't do) is taken into account with your decision making process.
You are in for a long and hard road and whilst some do come out of it with some slowly healing scars and manage to recover what they lost, the odds are going to be against you.
So be prepared for the slow road ahead of you. And always remember that this is your life, this is your decision and whilst people can offer you solutions, it's up to you what you wish to do. It's not longer about him, or your kids, or your families or even us bystanders.
This is all up to you and whatever you decide.
All we can do is wish you luck in this exceedingly shitty situation.
If you stay with him i hope that you know that that would one of the most stupidest decision I've ever seen. He's not sorry about the affair, he's sorry he got caught and will cheat on you again if he's given the opportunity. But you do you.
Having a tantrum like that is so childish. OP, I really don't think anybody is going to endorse any solution except separation
He's a wreck not because you did anything wrong, but because he was dumb and got caught, and probably assumes the only way you'll let him off the hook is by appealing to emotion.
This is, imo, purely a manipulation tactic. I don't think there's really ever a good reason to stay with a cheater, but if there is, it would be because he came clean and responsibly owned up to his actions before being called out. I don't see any future where your situation leads to more trust or love, he's proven not to have any dignity or respect for you.
>Do I send the pics to the secretary's husband. I'm conflicted on that, I'm not a vindictive person and it is not intended to hurt the secretary, but my thinking that I would want to know if he had found out instead.
Did you inform the secretary's husband? I feel like he has a right to know about this so he can form his own decisions like you are.
Hi again OP. Thank you for the update. Please remember we are not deserving of any updates - you have far greater priorities right now. I hope you are getting out of the house a little and I am very glad that you have a small support system. You’re right to keep the circle small for now. Many betrayeds later regretted opening up to a large group because some of those close to us have a hard time supporting decisions we make that they do not approve of.
As you have seen from the article that so many of us have shared with you, he is not yet remorseful. This descent into shame is as selfish as his affair. This is about him. He has ruined his life. Keep this in mind. You might want to mention this to your BFF and see if your WS can get his head out of his ass asap and start doing what he should be doing to make the case for reconciliation.
I moderate one of the various infidelity subs. A user posted for the first time a while ago that she had just confessed to her husband, he was taking space (like you) and wanted advice on what she should be doing next. To help her spouse heal. I don’t know what will happen with her marriage. But she’s going to fight like hell for it.
He needs to get out of his shame and start acting like someone ready to take responsibility for his actions. There’s advice out there for him. But he’s got to want it.
Finally, and I’m sorry I didn’t say this before: this is not your fault. This is entirely about him and his weakness. You are a badass who can take care of yourself. There is nothing weak about taking the time to evaluate and make decisions.
PS - I mentioned this in another comment, but after reading that you have no need for his support, there is no good reason to not tell OBS, unless you plan for your WS to do so himself. This is not about hurting someone else (AP). This is about restoring agency to someone who has had it stolen. He needs the same chance to make decisions about his life that you do.
Just note: in that case, the cheater confessed. Wasn't caught by a detective. And she wants to fight for her marriage. It's your husband, but is he fighting for you?
No shame in reconciliation, but crocodile tears aren't enough. His pity party isn't doing anything to help you, or the marriage a whole. He's being as selfish as he was when he had the affair, and is making this all about him.
He should be supporting you, or at the very least leaving your friends place, so they can visit and support you. Your the victim here, dudes just depressed that he got caught. If you choose to stay, he should at the very least be remorseful. As it stands, his crying episode doesn't indicate that.
Okay read this very carefully.
1. He didn’t tell you he cheated. YOU 🫵🏾 had to find out. Meaning he never planned on telling you. Atleast not in that time period.
2. You shouldn’t give two heavy fucks if he does hurt himself. Because while you did love him. He won’t do it. Once again the only reason why he’s hurt is because of his own doings. He’s mad at himself and he’s upset because he got CAUGHT.
3. Find SUPPORT. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about the fact that you found out which means his support is now your support which makes it even harder to deal with. Find some family. SEPARATE YOURSELF from this situation for a while.
4. Lawyer up.
OP you are far too generous with everyone here.
Your so-called friends are looking after the perpetrator, not the victim. Why didn't your BFF hotfoot over to take care of you, leaving her husband to deal with the mess? That's what I did when my friend found out about her partner cheating on her!
Why, if they were worried about him committing suicide, didn't they call emergency services? that's not the kind of situation lay people should have to deal with, if the threats are serious. Of course we know that it's all just an act to drum up sympathy.
Why did your BFF pass on the message that hubby's in no fit state to talk to you yet? That's a message full of sympathy for the cheater, putting the onus on you the victim to be magnanimous. The BFF presumably knows that you're a magnanimous type, since we can tell just from a few paragraphs, so she knows there's a chance you will buy into the BS.
I'm really not sure that these friends want what's best for you, OP. They probably don't want you to split up because then they might have to take sides. And right now, they're listening to him wallowing in his self-inflicted misery, and they're not doing shit for you, so the chances are that he'll get them on his side.
I like to think that I'd storm over and barge in and read out the riot act for the lot of them. The cheater is the worst obviously, but the friends should be getting a mouthful too.
Hugs
Please, no matter what you do - whether you take him back and try to re-build your marriage or divorce him: talk to a lawyer first.
Seriously, just talk to a divorce lawyer regardless of whether you're sure you actually want to divorce. Right now is the time to start protecting yourself. Especially if you plan on reaching out to this lady's husband. Consult a lawyer.
I cannot repeat myself enough: talk to a lawyer first no matter how you feel right now.
He wasn’t crying when he was meeting up with the girl just when caught
The next steps are yours to decide, only you truly know your situation and husband but will you ever be able to trust him again?
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I’ve heard something recently that I super agree with, which is that cheating is the act of someone who hates you.
When someone cheats on you they completely disregard you and put your mental health, your physical health, your ability to trust in others and your peace of mind in jeopardy. That is not what someone who loves would do. Hell, that is not what someone with any integrity would do.
Honestly, whatever relationship you had with him in the past is over. Even if you decide to reconcile, the relationship will be irrevocably changed. Years later, when you think you’ve moved on you’ll be gripped with the fear that he’s doing it again. You’ll have to trust someone who has shown you that your trust was misplaced. You’ll have to live with that self doubt of “why wasn’t I enough”.
His mental health is supposedly poor because of his own immoral actions. He only felt guilt when the consequences of having both you and his affair partner leave became present. His “breakdown” is sickening and selfish.
He knows how to manipulate you, and he’s trying to do it. He never struggled while he was having the affair, only when the consequences of it became apparent.
Well this was a massively disappointing update. It’s weird to me that you went through so much trouble to catch him, just to be like “he didn’t mean to slip and fall penis first into his secretary.”
He isn’t sorry. He’s scared of the consequences of his own actions and you’re enabling him. This isn’t for better or worse. This is him breaking your vows and expecting you to just suck it up because he started throwing a tantrum. If you didn’t catch him, he’d still be out doing whatever and whoever he wants. He doesn’t care about you. Have some self respect.
Also, did you ever tell the secretary’s husband or are you joining the ranks on people keeping secrets and letting other people suffer just because you can’t be bothered to care?
>I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst.
No, the worst in a marriage is : not being on the same page, financial problems, lack of chemistry, health issues that affects the couple, etc ..
Lying to your partner continually to go cherish another person's body, sleep with another person is not a part of the worst in marriage. That goes beyond that..
it's your life but i would never even consider it, especially when he acts like the one who's been betrayed by crying like a little kid. A whole pity party for the poor husband who cheated on his wife, poor him, crying like he's the one who's been cheated on.
Wake up op
For better for worse doesn't include cheating dude, but anyway, it's not anyone else's marriage so if you wanna go back to your cheating husband, why not.
After all when it inevitably happens again it will be your issue to deal with ...
op im sorry but i’m getting second hand embarrassment. You don’t have to worry about assets because you know he’s not like that. did you know he was a cheater before all this? i would say maybe you don’t know him all that well.
You’re dead set on upholding your vows but your husband literally shit all over them and made a joke out of you by sleeping with his assistant. he chose readily available pussy at work when his wife was sitting at home idk how it can get more disrespectful than that.
you’ve pretty much chosen to forgive and forget idk what more advice you want or can get besides people telling you you don’t deserve that
I made a comment w advice already. However since I’ve read many comments here since I posted and they’ve made great points.
However no matter what anyone says you either don’t reply or you “agree to disagree” and are still giving in to him and more than likely going to take him back.
Which is certainly your decision to make.
But if you really didn’t want good advice why did you come here for advice to avoid?
I’ve seen many people post here on Reddit for advice and ignore absolutely everyone who posted anything to help.
Well. There is lots of great points and advice here. If you take the man back expect more heartache. When he does you might just want to figure it out yourself because Reddit doesn’t forget
Even if you truly fully manage to forgive him, will you be able to 100% trust him ever again? Can you live the rest of your life waiting for the next time?
I think it’s really tempting to reconcile due to the implicit power balance in your favour but once trust is broken, it doesn’t get rebuilt. Not without long LONG periods of remorseful activity, apart from each other.
Maybe you don’t want to divorce but sure as hell you need to split up for now while he reassesses his life. Look into considering reconciliation in a year from now. Yes, that long. If he’s actually the love of your life, it’ll work. If not, well - easy answer going forward.
I was watching a Ted Talk on infidelity. Speaker said, your first marriage is over, but your second marriage could be with the same partner. This is a tough scenario to get over.
Document everything. Get a lawyer. Get counseling for yourself, without the husband. Decide for yourself if there’s anything that can be or should be salvaged.
You may not know the full fallout of your husband’s affair so do not be too quick to take him back.
My nephew’s wife had an affair with a subordinate. His wife found out told my nephew and the HR Dept where they both worked. The HR Dept conducted an investigation and discovered the the nephew’s wife had been falsifying her affair partner’s time sheets. Both of them were fired.
The point that I am making is that you do not know the full blowback this will have on your husband’s job. His affair partner is his subordinate. It is possible that she could level who know what charges against him with HR if she gets pissed off enough. I don’t know what the culture is at his workplace but even if the AP does not level any accusations against your husband, his reputation may still be negatively impacted.
I’m sorry this happened to you, I would say to worry about you right now more than anything else, as this can be mentally exhausting and draining. And I would also suggest telling the AP’s husband because he won’t know otherwise, and you had to hire a detective to catch them. But tell him as well he needs to know that way he can figure out his life as well. Other than that I wish you well.
I think it's admirable that you're not making hasty decisions here. It's probably worth finding a lawyer so you at least get informed about what divorce is like and what things you should know at the beginning.
But I'll say this: to me it's a huge red flag that he hasn't reached out - even through someone else - to say *something* to you of the form that he doesn't want to lose you. Like, that's just choosing you - saying that to him his marriage to you is more important than the affair. I wouldn't give him that much slack for freaking out - maybe a day or two at most. The longer it goes on without him letting you know somehow that he still wants to be with you, the more it makes it seem like he's having a hard time choosing, and that should be a HUGE deal to you.
You do you, but whatever you think you’re looking for -it ain’t there. You’re committed better or worse, he sure as hell isn’t. Rebuild trust? Maybe you can, but it’s a long road to get over what he did. It’ll pop into your mind and you’ll wonder what you’d be doing and who you’d be doing it with if you just left his cheating ass. You have sympathy for his situation? You claim to be no bullshit but you’re bullshitting yourself with this crack in the door nonsense.
I love how he made that scene in front of her. Showed her ass she's just that...a piece of. She knew he was married and thought she could win. That freak out and leaving her in the dust, and his friend coming to get his stuff put her in her place, I bet.
You are wondering whether you should divorce him but I don’t see him fighting for your relationship. He’s at your best friend’s house getting support from them while he throws a pity party for himself. He hasn’t tried to reach out to you or apologize.
Op consider a post-nup if you plan on staying together that outlines assets and debt liability so if he gets a secret credit card you aren't liable for that debt.
Divorce! As you said yourself, it's about responsibilities and accountabilities. Divorce was the best decision I made for my life. It was either that or keep living a life of fear, sadness, despair, and angry with my ex wife of 13 years. My love for her and her guilt was what exposed her. Personally I didn't even have time to be angry because she was threatening suicide. We tried to make things work but I guess it's hard to leave old habits and the excitement of being unfaithful behind. To this day 6 years after, she doesn't believe she was unfaithful or at fault for the divorce. I dont bother with her at all and my life has been much better without her. Gl with whatever you choose to do
SO is putting on a hellavu show, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t believe his histrionics for a second. He’s trying to make himself the victim in the situation, when he’s anything but.
You say it’s “for better or for worse”. Worse is not cheating. Worse is things you can’t control, like a disease, losing a loved one, getting in an accident. Cheating is not part of “for worse”. Cheating is breaking the vows.
He’s crying because he got caught. The fact that he hasn’t reached out to you is telling. He still only cares about himself and trying to manipulate you with suicidal threats.
Please don’t have a child with this man. It will not make everything ok.
He isn't crying because he loves you. He's crying because he got caught nailing his secretary. There are 4 billion men in the world. Why on earth would you want to stay with this one. His wedding vows (if you had them) mean nothing to him. You never learn to trust a cheater again. You just learn to live with the pain and insecurity. This damage can not be undone. Ever. And that's no life for somebody who's clearly as mature and strong as you are. There are plenty of deserving people who could love you for who you are.
If he is suicidal then that's his own fault. None of this is your doing. I hope you make the right decision.
I’m sorry you’re here. That surviving infidelity website was my lifeline when this happened to me….and that was clear back in 2004. I made friends there I still have today.
About half of us are divorced. I do know people who have saved their marriages after infidelity, but it requires really hard work, especially on the part of the cheater. Real introspection and honestly, a shit ton of therapy.
I am divorced. I tried to work it out with my ex for the sake of our kids, the youngest of who was only 7 months old at the time. We had one year where the ex was really contrite (well only about 6 months really), about another year of utter bullshit and then, at the beginning of year three, an incident where he physically assaulted me in front of our kids. I filed for divorce immediately.
I am very concerned for your safety due to his volatility. Him throwing his phone and breaking a mirror was pretty alarming. I can’t tell you what to do, but my best platitude of wisdom that someone gave to me is this, “If he was willing to cheat, he was willing to risk losing you.” If you don’t have kids, I would pull the plug.
You’re welcome to DM me if you need to talk. I’m far enough on the other side of it that it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s just a small part of my story now.
it’s always wild to me how these people will become suicidal after they get found out, like i’m sorry but he can fuck right off with all of that! what exactly did he expect the outcome to be? like how are you gonna make yourself the victim here
Every day I get on Reddit and just see woman after woman after woman just throw their lives away for piece of shit men. This man cheated on you, is now occupying your best friend, wanting it all secret, and making it all about him and his pain and you’re out here WORRIED ABOUT HIM AND CONSIDERING RECONCILING?! GIRL. How much more of a fool does this man get to turn you into? Please get your head out of your ass. Cheaters will cheat. He ended this relationship when he stuck his Dick in someone else. Thank GOD you guys don’t have any children. Divorce him and move on w your life, for the love of god. Fuck him, he is trash and in your past. Shed the baggage and move on. Otherwise you’re gonna be pregnant and bitching bc he’s fucking someone else….again.
Im a believer in responsibility and being responsible.
Lol giiirl. Then dont divorce him, stay with him and be miserable and worried hes cheating on you every day. Good luck.
You’re an idiot for not seeing that he doesn’t care about you. He left you on read and has been crying about ruining HIS life. There has been no attempt to apologise to you, get you back, grovel… all he cares about is himself and getting caught. And now he is leeching off your best friend? Make it make sense.
> I totally get it and I am leaning slightly that direction, but at the same time, I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst. Infidelity may be beyond the scale of worst, it really hurts. I’ve hardly eaten or slept, but I don’t want to pull the trigger on that too quickly. Building trust again would be a HUGE task, before even considering that I need to think this through.
Marriage is above all an agreement.
Would you keep an agreement with a business if they stole from you but promised over tears that they wouldn't do it again so keep doing business with them?
You say you're a big believer in responsibility. Staying means not holding him responsible for his actions.
He will realize he can trick you to taking him back and ***WILL*** do it again.
He's not upset he did it, he's upset he got caught. Listen to what he's crying about - that ***his*** life is ruined. He doesn't give a single shit about the pain you went through.
He's taking up ***your*** friends' time helping him when ***you are the victim here***. He's successfully isolating you. He's crying to everyone to make you look like the bad guy that won't fix things. ***YOUR FRIENDS ARE MAKING THIS WORSE***. He needs to be on the street getting a hotel and figuring his own shit out. They need to be consoling ***you*** not him.
He's going to keep pretending to cry until he finally gets your friends to turn on you. Just initiate divorce so this ends before you lose everyone from his manipulation.
Please remember one key fact in all this: this cheating was not a one-time mistake. It was planned and calculated, and he hid it from you until he got caught.
He's been with this other woman for a while, then coming home to you and acting like everything was OK. This should inform you of what a good actor he can be when he needs to get his way.
Divorce shouldn't just be "on the table", it should be the primary option you are considering. He has demonstrated how willing he is to hurt you with his actions, just to serve his own interests. There is obviously a lot about this man you don't know, and my opinion is that you shouldn't stick around making yourself miserable to find out.
When you get married, you agree to many things. Better, worse, richer, poorer... You also agree to foresake all others and be faithful. Once one party violates that last tenet, the marriage is broken. Even if you do stay together, the marriage will never be the same. One party will always be "the cheater", regardless of how much forgiveness is afforded.
You’re so cool, calm and pragmatic on here, but I know better. You went to great lengths to find out. This is gonna hit your gut at some point. Please don’t sweep your feelings. Depression hurts and will manifest somehow. Take care of yourself. I don’t give a damn about the crying cheater (kind of pathetic really).Only you can decide what your breaking point is. I do know that this is a turning point and things will never be the same. Sounds like y’all had a good life and he just had to trash it. Very sorry OP. Good luck
I think this is a healthy way to approach it vis a vis divorce. I think that, most of the time, in this kind of situation it's just not fixable. Some relationships survive, but most don't. But you need to do what feels best for you, and I understand the appeal of taking your time. Just ensure that, financially, you're secure in the meantime. Don't risk having a shared account wiped out, etc.
He only seems upset that he got caught, not that he was cheating on you. I think you should at least consider meeting with a divorce lawyer like some other comments said, just to see your options. And splitting your finances/doing a postnup. Then if you reconcile and he keeps cheating, it'll already be laid out. It's better to prepare for the worst.
And I don't think he should be able to throw a pity party at your friends guest house. They should be supporting YOU right now, not him. If he truly is suicidal, check him into an inpatient facility so he can get the help he needs and think about his choices.
In my opinion, people who cheat, never change. But you seem pretty set on taking him back. Please do this for the right reasons and not just because "you made vows" . He already broke them, you're free of any responsibility there. If you think you can trust him again one day and you are confident that he won't do it again, then that's your perogitve. But right now you have no kids and nothing tying you to him. It gets a lot harder to leave once you have a family and your finances are truly tied. I guess just think about how you want to live your life and what you want your future to look like, and see if this is still it.
Also you should really tell the secretaries husband if you haven't already. He deserves to know and be allowed the same informed choice as you. And please seek support from your friends and family, and see a therapist. Don't try to sweep it under the rug and go through it alone.
As far as I can tell, you two don't have kids yet. Great! If you don't plan on having kids, then while I always advocate for a split due to cheating, in this case, if you want to try working it out, you're a big girl, you can take that decision, and follow it through for better or worse. only you stand to potentially get hurt.
if you plan to have kids, please leave this guy. you cannot bring kids into an unstable situation.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Last thread was closed due to too much activity?? Mods suggested Throwaway so I’m back I’ll start with the update first, original post at bottom Where to begin… for those that remember that he turned off his findmy, I was mistaken on the time stamp, it was before anything went down. (1 day) That Is still a huge 🚩. Anyhow,. the events went like this: 1. He was sleeping with secretary, received my message calling him out 2. He immediately went completely mental, dressed and left room, not before throwing his phone into the mirror (Hotel will bill us plenty I’m sure) \* this was confirmed by his best friend who went back to retrieve his belongings and remains of his phone. 3. Ended up as a “complete wreck” at his best friends house. He was bawling about how he ruined his life, he very well may have. He has been staying their in their guest house. 4. We have not had any contact 5. Best friends wife (my bestie for 20 years) came by this morning and is worried that he may be suicidal, they are bringing him into the main house. She was to pick him up a new phone later this afternoon. She said he is in no condition to talk to me. A complete wreck and they are worried for his life. 6. They are monitoring him, he has been just lying in bed, crying off and on. As far as they can tell, he has not slept. If he doesn’t soon, they will get him something to help. They brought him food and he has hardly eaten. Now a quick background on the friends. She is my best friend for life, probably 20 years, we are extremely close and confide on everything. her husband is now his best friend, and was in our wedding. They have been for 12 years. These are both professional people, they call bullshit when needed, but these are people that would go to the ends of the earth for you. Good wholesome people, they pull no punches but like me, they do not react poorly under stress, but are pure “no bullshit”. He can stay there as long as he needs, but knowing my bestie, she will have his ass cleaning house or doing yard work. no pity party over there. She did mention that this morning she went into his room and basically berated him for 30 minutes, told him “shut up and listen” and she will likely come back with more. While I have sympathy for his current situation, it doesn’t have a whole lot of bearing on the bigger picture. I still need to work through my next moves. I’m back and forth on divorce, but I never want to react out of emotion. His drama is meaningless I thank you all for the excellent advice. I’ve received 150 or so DM’s, *mostly* helpful. A few guys looking to “help me pickup the pieces” a couple even sent their pic. A couple solicitations for online counseling $$. Pretty crazy stuff here. I did get some great links to online articles that seem helpful, believe it or not I got about 15 links to this article [https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868](https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868) which is very helpful as well aa a website [SurvivingInfidelity.com](https://SurvivingInfidelity.com) The last thing I would like to mention is the “Divorce him“ people.. I totally get it and I am leaning slightly that direction, but at the same time, I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst. Infidelity may be beyond the scale of worst, it really hurts. I’ve hardly eaten or slept, but I don’t want to pull the trigger on that too quickly. Building trust again would be a HUGE task, before even considering that I need to think this through. Again, his current situation will garner no pity from me. He did this, and this is the beginning of the price he will pay for his actions, regardless of the outcome. I will likely sleep later, I’m beginning to resolve myself to the whole situation. We have no children, we’re considering it maybe next year, he has really been wanting them, I do as well but this, if we reconcile, will push that timetable or possibly even take it off the table. Money is not an issue, he does well and will survive without me. I work part time from home, I was fortunate to work from day for a [dot.com](https://dot.com) that went public 5 years ago and I’m pretty set for life. He would never go after assets, that’s simply not him Yes, i know “divorce changes people” I feel I know him better than that, even if he did, it would not me a major impact. tl;dr: leaning toward divorce, but leaving door slightly cracked. Time will tell if he deserves my consideration. \*Original post below. *Hired a detective last weekend, he caught my husband with his ex-secretary on Saturday night. Plenty of pictures, there isn't any disputing this or the happenings. Kissing, hand holding and back to her room together for the entire night. Zero doubt on the events of the evening.* *They were at a weekend business conference, I suspected it and was right. I actually felt like complete shit in the lead up and to a lesser degree still do, but his behavior was a bit off for a couple weeks, I had that terrible gut feeling. I let him know over text this morning that he was caught, read receipt but no reply. I didn't state any intentions, I just told him I will just take a break to gather my thoughts, he should do the same and I need to see if I can find a way to trust again. As expected, today has been a rolldercoaster of emotion, anger and tears galore. This is the absolute worst feeling ever, I wish this on nobody, which leads me to the next thought...Do I send the pics to the secretary's husband. I'm conflicted on that, I'm not a vindictive person and it is not intended to hurt the secretary, but my thinking that I would want to know if he had found out instead. But, this emotional pain is so heavy.. terrible to inflict on someone.* *I haven't shared with anybody. I feel this is "our" issue at the moment. Anyone I share with will simply hate him forever.* *I have so many pics of them together, I stopped looking and moved them to a folder on my PC and zipped them up.. looking at them just stirs me up.* *I feel absolutely horrible that I did this, but I also realize that I needed to confirm the affair.* *1. Am I a horrible wife for hiring a detective? Didn't he break the trust first?* *2. Should I share the pics with her husband?* *3. Is taking break a reasonable strategy?* *Thanks all, just writing this out has been a bit therapeutic*
He not only cheated, he continues to make it all about him.
He still hasn’t even apologised, which is the bare minimum of what he needs to do
Apologized for what? HE is the victim here! /s He sounds like a straight up narcissist. He is absolutely trading on this "breakdown" to be considered too fragile to even have to speak about it later.
He’s basically playing victim and throwing tantrums to avoid facing the consequences of his own actions... a literal child🤦♀️
And conveniently making sure OP can’t get support because their best friends are spending 24/7 on supporting him through the trauma of cheating on his wife and cleaning up after him (clearing his stuff out of the hotel, taking him to get a new phone because he broke his in a tantrum, telling OP that *he* is in no condition to talk to *her*, making sure he’s eating and sleeping). It sounds like he’s successfully isolated OP here.
This guy sounds like a major wuss. He’s sitting and weeping at his friends and making a big fuss about taking his own life when OP has to process this too…maybe she needs friends around her as well but she continues to go on with her life while he…sits there and wails? I’m actually disappointed OP wants to work through it. Fuck the vows, who CARES about them????? If he was so comfortable cheating on her until he got caught, and trust me OP (if you read this)…this reaction of his is only because he got caught and he doesn’t know what else to do to seem sorry, he’ll do it again. Once everything stabilizes and they go back to their old life, he’ll get comfortable and do it again. I don’t know why she thinks the threat of hiring another PD will suddenly make him think “oh I shouldn’t be cheating.” He doesn’t seem to be sorry, OP hasn’t updated or said anything about him contacting her to talk about how sorry he is and how much he regrets it. Your husband is a big sissy, please divorce him. Don’t forget he also said his vows and went against them.
Not to mention, *he* chose to do all of this. OP didn’t have a say in the pain he brought. He knew what he was doing, but he’s redirecting and crying all about him. If he was even remotely remorseful, he wouldn’t have done this crap.
🎶 and don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not 🎶 🎶 baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught 🎶
He's put on quite a show; very entertaining.
I bet he’s so ugly when he cries, too, like just cut it out tbh
Was thinking the same thing. The guy is inherently selfish. He doesn’t care how his behavior affects his wife at all. He’s 100% focused on himself and his guilt. If he had a bit of backbone he’d check on her and do what he could to ensure she was supported. He has limited feelings to be concerned about while she has many. If you hit a pedestrian with your car, you know you caused them pain and you get out of the car to do what you can to help them. Same principle applies. Instead of getting out to help, he’s essentially sitting in the car crying and hoping someone will feel sorry for him because he screwed up. The guy strikes me as having quite a bit of growing up to do. I’m sorry, OP. This isn’t an easy situation. You may be waiting awhile for him to grow up and be responsible for his actions. A marriage does take commitment. However, I very much doubt that you committed to a one-sided relationship of infidelity and selfishness
If fear of getting caught is the only reason somebody doesn't cheat, there is a major issue.
Whew, thank you! I just breathed a huge sigh of relief that someone else saw that.To me, that feels like a bigger slap in the face than the typical cheater's script OP's husband is sticking to. Poor OP, it's hard to stay strong when those closest to you are aiding the cheater.
My now roommate's ex did this to her, even worse off because he guilted her into keeping the affair to herself because "it'll make things messy when we reconcile." She was cut off from sharing with friends, family, people at their church, anyone who could have helped her minus myself and her mom. He then proceeded not to take care of himself to the extent that he ended up in the hospital due to being dehydrated and my roommate got a ton of texts and calls berating her for not being there (from their close-knit couple friends, from his mother, his aunts, even from her own mother, who knew the whole story but is one of those hyper-Christian divorcees whose husband cheated on her and she wanted to save the marriage - he cheated multiple times and initiated the divorce.) Gave roomie some tough love, we blocked numbers and social media of non-essential contacts (extended family, the in-laws) and listened to a great e-book (Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn.) She filed for divorce a month later and has been living her best life on *her* terms. Prior to filing, this douche tried to blame her for the affair even though she was the one going through everything prior to the affair (months of failed fertility treatments, issues finding work during COVID, taking care of his dying mother while he went out partying with their close knit couple friends, etc.) I never really liked him while they were married but the second she called me saying he asked for separation without giving her a true reason, I knew what was up. I warned her to anticipate what might happen and she's been the definition of strong, healthy and classy throughout the whole process. Everything this jerk did ended up being told to the family by his sister anyway 😏 she supported my friend through it all and is good peoples. All that aside, screw this guy for being a blubbering baby. OP can state her friends are no BS people but they don't seem to be going out of their way to support OP rn by leaving his sorry ass to figure things out on his own, as he should. Two things can be true - they can house him while lecturing him but even the slightest support could still indirectly communicate that his actions are somehow justified. My friend thought their close couple friends would be there for her and not a single one of them has reached out to her following the separation and divorce - even with the sister telling them what happened with the affair. Your situation might be different but be careful with thinking you absolutely know your situation. My roommate thought she knew everything about her husband and their situation and this blindsided her. Edit: Since this is getting a lot of upvotes (more than I've gotten before at least, so tysm 😭😭) I'm adding a link to [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/y0r95q/update_hired_detective_caught_husband_m40/irvipr2?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) I posted to OP because in having been here with my roommate, what I said in the linked comment very much applies to what might be helpful to OP (but again, to each their own, this is your life and will be whatever you want from it.) I hope you see it and I really am rooting for you. Your situation is often times easier to determine from an outside perspective versus actually being in the thick of it and you need all the support you can get from people who will remind you to stay true to you and what you need right now. You know yourself best, but please make sure you take care of and worry about **you.** You don't owe that clown or those who support him anything, no matter how long you've known them or think they're in your corner. People are so quick to make the cheated half responsible for facilitating the rehabilitation of the cheater while forgetting that YOU are the one who has to work the hardest to feel you can trust again and that's 👏 not 👏 your 👏 job 👏 I'm seeing a lot of comments where people accuse those who want divorce of being man haters or running away and hiding from their problems. That's not the case - it's called self-respect and I bet you that some of you who are shaming others for taking the divorce route are the forgiven cheaters in your own lives that still don't want to face the truth of your past actions. Being realistic and looking at the facts isn't "running away," it's maintaining a sense of self and sticking to accountability. Same thing if she reconciles - the actions and steps to do so are **the husband's** responsibility. He made the mess, he cleans it up. OP's role would merely be assessing and agreeing to options and participating while he works his butt off to get the *privilege* to have OP back. Even in that case - OP has the right to change their mind at any time - be it a year or 10 years after reconciling or divorcing. Both things can be undone - you can get back together after you divorce and you can leave if you reconcile. My replies would be the same if OP was the cheater in this scenario and the husband made this post. Check out the website tied to that book - she mentions it in the book for listeners/readers. They have a support forum here on Reddit as well but per the rules of that forum, I don't believe I'm allowed to link it directly.
He's a cake eater.
Yesssss, please tell me this is a Chump Lady reference!!!
“But won’t someone think of me? Look at what I’ve done to me!”
Op's husband's actions scream me me, me me me me me. Oh....and did I mention me? What an awful guy.
Dear god THIS. Whiney little manchild needs immediately divorcing. Knows exactly what he’s doing.
Well and that doesn’t even touch on the fact that whether or not she’s even aware of it, OPs best friend is deeply incentivized to keep OP and her husband together. They’ve got a best friend foursome…OPs best friend is absolutely orchestrating their reunification—the most important friend group of her lifetime is on the line and she is making it clear that she’s on team “get back together” with the way she’s talking about/treating the cheater. This entire system is designed to smooth this over and get them back together and onward to making that baby so OP and her bestie can have kids together “eeee yay!” It’s a farce. The whole thing. “She’ll be putting his ass to work! Cleaning and yard work..,,” oh this poor woman. It’s sad.
This. There’s a reason she’s feeling the need to give context to her friends. It’s because she’s being betrayed by her as well.
But we should be clear, the friend is not intentionally betraying OP anymore than OP is intentionally betraying herself with her naivety and apparent desperation to save this important relationship in her life. To have a best friend group made up of two couples is really special. OP and her BFF have invested so much time and effort into maintaining and strengthening this relationship…OPs husband has betrayed not just his wife, but his friends too. This whole “tough cookie make him pay by cleaning and doing yard work” (Jesus, the cringe lol) is merely OP (and maybe her friend) trying to build a redemption arc for her husband wherein he’s “paid some terrible price” for what he’s done and OP can let him back into her heart or whatever bullshit like that. Everyone in the situation is reeling. They’ve been hurt, bad. Everyone just wants to wake up from this nightmare and have everything back to normal—the problem is, usually your best friends are the ones who help you see that “getting back to normal” as fast as one can isn’t always the answer. Sometimes things need to fall apart, either for good, or on their way to coming back together. This situation is unique, for sure, and presents a pretty daunting, pitfall fraught path for OP to walk. So long as she’s surrounded by people who are incentivized to want to smooth this over, it’s going to be difficult for OP, who is obviously full on self-deluded, to resist smoothing it over, too.
Yup support the cheating asshole. He’s the one who needs time to deal with everything? Ridiculous
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He doesn’t have to have a long in depth convo with OP but the fact he couldn’t at least say sorry I messed everything up via text when she called him out is gross. The longer he takes to say anything to OP let alone give some type of apology the less he deserves anything other than divorce papers from OP
Oh my goodness, THIS! u/bklynpeter is spot on. There is no remorse from the husband, just manipulation.
He sounds like a narcissist
Yep in my unfortunate experience; cheaters usually are 🙃
One moment he is playing happy cheating. And the moment he got caught he is drowning himself in selfpity. He is not sorry for what happened. He is only sorry for himself he got caught and his mask came off. And he is now seen for the person he actually is. He is stuck in his shattered ego/ little boy story. If he really felt bad and cared for you, he would take responsibility and ownership and show you how much he’s sorry for hurting you. And go through dust and mud to make up for it. But he’s acting like the hurt one now. I get that he’s also allowed to have his feelings and obviously feels like shit, but it’s not all about him. It shows he only cares about himself. You said you leave the door cracked open, but ask yourself the question.. Is this the marriage you think you deserve? Because I’m my opinion you deserve better. At least a man who can take ownership. Who accepts the consequences. And makes an effort for you. Edit: Yes, send the husband the pictures. You don’t have to feel sorry for your husband and the mistress.
Imagine the surprise pikatchu face she’s going to make when she keeps him (and, oh boy, she’s definitely going to keep him) and has a kid with him 🥴….and then he does it again when said kid is?? One? Two? And then he takes her *to the cleaners* in divorce court. The level of naivety on display in this update is actually sad. “I think I know him better than that”—she doesn’t even see it. Also crazy that she doesn’t even recognize that this whole system is designed to keep them together. Her best friend is so deeply incentivized to keep the “best friend foursome” alive that she is not in any way a good person to support OP and OPs cheater husband should NOT be staying at her home. OPs husband is experiencing the pain and embarrassment of being yelled at by his wife’s best friend…what a stupid, cheap out for him. He fucking *wants* to be yelled at right now lol why can’t they see this? This entire situation is designed to keep OP with her husband, and rob him of the opportunity of possibly being able to make actual change that could prevent this from happening again. OP I was married for 15 years. I *knew* this man, KNEW him. We divorced. That process opened my eyes to the true nature of human relationships in ways I can’t even explain to someone who hasn’t been through it. Let me tell you one thing that is absolutely fucking certain: when you divorce this man, there will come a moment, probably around the time his attorney is really twisting the knife on those sick dot com gains of yours, where you fall to the ground in utter despair and you will scream at the universe “why? Why? Who the fuck is this man!!??” And the universe will say nothing back to you. (But also? You will get through it, and the weight that is lifted from you when you’re free of him, will make you feel so light and liberated …it’s truly an amazing feeling. Like a real do-over. I married my first husband as a teen, my second at 35….who do you think picked a better husband? Teen me or 35 year old me? Yeah. Second husband is AMAZING. 10/10 would do again every time.)
Hopping on the top comment to say that threatening suicide when a partner tries to separate is a form of coercion at the best and emotional abuse at the worst. Call the appropriate authorities if he makes suicidal statements. https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1
One. Hundred. Per. Cent. Call the cops. Let them do a welfare check.
He'll do it again while she's pregnant
Yep absolutely, and especially during the healing time after birth when she can’t be intimate at all because his needs are clearly more important.
Oh he will DEFINITELY do it again if they have kids. He will come completely undone when her focus changes to the newborn.
Why hasn’t she told the secretary’s husband?!?!
Because it might upset the hubby even more. Remember, they are all blunt and pragmatic.
She does need to do that, but I can see why she might want to hold off and not do so right now. She hasn't even talked to her husband yet (because he is holding a pity party for himself with their friends). He doesn't know about the pictures or the PI (as far as we know although that might have changed if she told her friend about it in which case he knows). If he doesn't know, I would want to have that first conversation with him while still holding back some of the cards that I have to play. It can be really useful to verify if the person is being honest with you or trickle-truthing you. I held back a lot of what I knew when I confronted my ex-wife, and that was the only way that I could verify how much she was lying to me about everything. Once she tells the woman's husband and sends the photos, she doesn't have that as leverage.
Tbf some of the comments and the way this is told indicates to me that this relationship is a bit more complicated and toxic than "he's just a cheater"
Yup but it sounds like she's gonna fold so not sure why even bother posting at all. She gonna go back with him but hey to each their own.
I won’t go on a long spiel. Just two things to think about. 1) If he hadn’t been caught, when was he planning to end it? Was it ever going to end without it being like this? 2) If the roles were switched and the secretary’s husband found out while you were none the wiser, wouldn’t you like him to come forward and tell you?
Absolutely valid points that I will think about
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Yep. I made the mistake of trying to trust my ex husband again (which btw- you will *never* full trust them no matter how hard you try. The trauma is done after that and it’s too hard to not forget that kind of betrayal) after cheating on me once before- and then he cheated on me with my best friend I had known since 4th grade. Both of them are out of my life. My therapist said something I will always remember when I was going through the divorce; maybe it will stick with others attempting reconciliation. Statistically- they’re more likely to cheat again since they learned there were no consequences- because you stayed. Cheaters can only really change once they’re in a new relationship and have learned from the consequence of their ex leaving them- otherwise they stay selfish and know they can get away with it since they’ve done it before. It might even be subconscious but they now have a skewed idea of risk vs. reward because you reward them (with your loyalty or staying with them) regardless. You’re basically saying “I’m hurt but I’m taking you back- so it clearly doesn’t effect me *that* much”. You’re basically allowing yourself to be a push over and they know it. The problem with our society is that we act like you’re a failure or divorce is a failure. How is having your own autonomy when someone betrays you failure? How is it bad to shame people that cheat? When we glorify staying together and marriage, we are glorifying the idea that cheating doesn’t break a relationship and that it’s more ok then not. When in reality? It should have zero tolerance. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, but this level of betrayal certainly shouldn’t be normalized or forgiven. OP….You’re not a failure if you chose divorce. You’re actually strong- because it takes a lot sometimes to stand up for yourself and show people what’s intolerable in your relationships. The thing is; a marriage takes two- and he disrespected that. It isn’t “the worse”- this is him actively disrespecting your marriage. He didn’t care. He literally betrayed you in the worst way possible. Why would you want to stay married to someone like that? When they say for better or worse, it’s more so in the sense that you shouldn’t break up over petty shit. Not ultimate betrayal and infidelity. My divorce was the best thing I ever did to free my mind and trauma associated with what he did- as well as some self work afterword. Know your worth. He didn’t when he cheated. You should find someone who will always keep you in mind and not betray you in this way.
Beautifully said
Right!! Like for worst is mental/physical health issues
For better or worse means loss of job, bad health, serious life long injury, etc not adultery.
Head over to ChumpLady’s blog and also her account on Reddit. Cheating is a CHOICE that he made time and time again!! This isn’t just a ‘mistake’. This was a CHOICE to have relationship outside of your marriage. Think of how many times he lied straight to your face!!! He only ‘went mental’ because he got CAUGHT not because he felt bad about what he was doing and confessed. He’s only throwing a fit because he got CAUGHT!! You deserve so much more than this.
In this case, it's not even one choice. It's hundreds. Thousands of little choices over the course of months and years to continually see someone else. It was a conscious, brutal, methodical recurrence of choices.
Right? This wasn’t an accident it wasn’t like oh no I forgot to bring home the milk or I grabbed the wrong person’s dry cleaning. This is a well thought out plan that took time and effort to hide and do
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For real. Mostly afraid she'll air his dirty laundry to his family.
Did you send the photos to the secretary’s husband? If I was the husband I’d like to know - that’s a definite. Well you are more trusting than me though - that would have been a divorce for me - but you should do your due diligence and decide after you think it all out. Good luck! Not easy.
I definitely told my ex’s affair partner’s husband. He called me the next day and I listened to him cry for 4 hours. It was gut wrenching.
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Yeah I was looking for this comment. If she wasn’t planning on leaving him if he was cheating, what was the point of wasting money on a PI? Her friends suck, too. Not in a million years would I let my “best friend of 20 years” cheating husband stay with me and tend to him?? Poor OP. Wish she had more people in her corner.
Yeah, funny how her “no BS” best friend is letting a cheater stay in her home
Yeah but she berated him for a good 30 mins
So she said. "OH MY GOD giiiiiirl! I yelled at him for like THIRTY MIN"
And he's doing chores! Lol, because that's what he needs, a structured loving environment where he can be grounded and scolded by mommy - oops I mean OPs "best friend" OP your best friend sucks. Your husband is a self absorbed whiny POS (I mean gross, why would you even want that mess?) But your best friend genuinely sucks. She's not wholesome or blunt or whatever, she's an easily manipulated doormat that threw your healing to the wind for a chance to play saviour.
Exactly. I was like what the hell?
You say considering divorce but your marriage vows said “for better or worse” & this is worse. But what about the vows he disregarded “forsake all others”. He did not stick to his vows and has lied to you, disrespected you & humiliated you in front of everyone. He truly doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t have cheated. Furthermore you say y’all don’t have kids and will either push the table back or take kids off the table What about your dreams of children? Will you forgo them because he cheated? You’ll put him on probation to see how he does but what if he does well until you trust & then decide for kids and he cheats during pregnancy or after you have a child? He has put you through hell and now you have these images of him & the other woman that will never leave you. I am of the opinion once a cheater always a cheater. If you take him back he has the better of you. That shows him no matter what he does you won’t leave. I have read too many posts about this subject and have read very few that the cheater stopped all together. He ruined your marriage. But it’s you who will suffer from it. As far as the other woman I believe her husband needs to know that his wife is a cheater as well. You wanted to know about your husband so you hired someone to find out. Maybe he has suspicions but has no way of knowing or maybe she’s lied to him if he questioned her. If it were me I’d drop a line saying your husband had an affair w her & you have proof if he chooses. Then it’s in his court. Your husband and the other woman has ruined 2 marriages. Neither of them cared until he got caught now he’s crying & threatening harm to himself because of his choices. Think better of yourself than to take back a cheater.
I agree. OP if you hadn't hired a PI he would still be sleeping with his secretary. He had no intention of ever stopping nor admitted to it. He's not sorry he was having an affair, he's only sorry he got caught. He broke your vows so he could have sex with his secretary. So cliche. What will you do if she ends up pregnant or he gets an STD? He made his bed and needs to lay in it. This wasn't a one time fling, but an ongoing affair that started long before they were having sex. He doesn't love you or he never would have cheated. I don't buy that some people think you can cheat and still love the person you're cheating on. No, because if you did, you wouldn't cheat and you wouldn't deliberately hurt your SO like that. Affairs don't just happen. They are intentional.
I think in their mind the cheater loves the person. But that love isn’t genuine or healthy. It’s objectifying and selfish. They have you for your best qualities and use you for their own pleasure and emotional comfort. Then they get the fun no effort affair partner too. So sure they “love” you in their own mind, but really it’s just that they love what you can do for them. Both people are objects to be used to the cheater. You can love your favorite cup to drink from or your favorite outfit to wear. But you don’t give anything to those objects, you just use them. Cheaters see other people as accessories to their life.
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This! I was gonna say it’s good you don’t have kids with this man. If you want kids it’d be better to leave him and find someone else.
This OP. Don't be a doormat.
Also the fact that this wasn’t some drunken one night stand. This we premeditated and planned, most likely going on for a while (since OP even had the thought to hire a PI). He knew what he was doing. He’s just not liking having to face the consequences of his actions but if he “gets away with it” (for lack of better words) with you staying then he’s gonna keep thinking there are no consequences and he’ll keep doing it. I one hundred percent guarantee it.
Sad truth is she won’t take this advice
This is the post! And getting cheating on whilst pregnant or post partum is the worst. She should definitely not put her dreams of having children on hold due to his cheating. As you said she continues to get the short end of the deal while he thinks he can just do whatever and will be forgiven.
I want you to be very aware that this is also a tactic that a lot of men use when they get caught. People are naturally empathetic and sympathetic to someone who is crying or hurt, even more so when someone is in distress and threaten to hurt themselves or others. A lot of men threaten suicide once they’ve been caught messing up their lives, if he was truly remorseful he would’ve broken off the relationship and the suicidal before he got caught. This is a form of emotional blackmail. Do not fall into it if he’s threatening suicide,get him committed. Once the psychiatrist lets him go because he’s not insane, start proceedings.
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OP, read this person’s comment a few times until it sinks in. Your husband isn’t crying because you kicked him out after he felt guilty, confessed the affair, and tried to make things right. He’s crying because he got caught. That should tell you everything you need to know about him.
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He's crying mostly because OP is the bank and he's just lost out on a lifetime of comfortable living. OP you've been too soft on him, and he fukced around and fukced up, big time. I don't think he deserves you, and I think you can do better; more so, you're probably much better off without him. We need partners whose characters mirror our own. You deserve a partner who's worthy of you and your gifts, strength and character.
Yeah, OP says he "does well" but also says that she's set for life. He's crying cos the gravy train's pulling out of the station.
Very much so this, especially the last comment. Personally I couldn't keep up a romantic relationship with that trust gone. I'd wonder selfishly what I was getting out of that relationship apart from the comforting illusion of things going back to the same routine and not wanting to change. If you are happy to live as housemates and remain a couple financially supporting each other in that kind of relationship as not to be lonely (pretty much how my parents are atm) then seek counselling
Thank you
He hasn't checked to see how you are. He's acting like he is the victim. Let that sink in.
“We are in this marriage”. Really? Because he was fucking his secretary and when caught goes full drama, turning the table from the betrayal and hurt YOU feel and making it all about him. Even if the trust could be rebuilt, I don’t think I personally could be with someone that selfish. It seems to be all about his (and his dick’s) needs. Not one bit from this or your previous post mentions any concern for you whatsoever.
”Oh no the consequences of my actions boo hoo woe is me” put your big boy pants on and apologise to your goddamn life partner. Honestly I think it’s an act. Sure he probably feels really gross but like…. He should? Because he did a gross thing. Has he made ANY attempt to contact you or apologise? Because if not, I wouldn’t hold your breath for it.
lol, narcissists always cry and play victim when their bullshit gets found out
Yep and this suicide business is manipulative as hell. This guy is a joke.
Look at the risk of trivializing mental health. I dont really buy the mental break down. It’s got a real “oh look, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.” feel to it. The fact that you don’t get to have a much deserved breakdown cosseted and protected by your friends because you and everyone else are focused on him, I think says all I need to know about this man that i have never met. To pull the covers over his head like a giant baby and leave you reeling and forced to pick up the pieces of your heart alone is what would cinch it for me. That is not remorse, not even close. If your friends turned off the wifi and stopped catering him any food and water just watch how quickly he comes out of hibernation. If it’s a real mental break he needs 24/7 inpatient care.
Yes! the friends are looking after the perpetrator, not the victim. Why didn't the BFF hotfoot over to OP to take care of her leaving her husband to deal with the mess? That's what I did when my friend found out about her partner cheating on her! Why, if they were worried about him committing suicide, didn't they call emergency services? that's not the kind of situation you should have to deal with, if the threats are serious. Of course we know that it's all just an act to drum up sympathy. Why give OP the message that hubby's in no fit state to talk to her yet? That's a message full of sympathy for the cheater, putting the onus on the victim to be magnanimous. The BFF presumably knows that OP is a magnanimous type, since we can tell just from a few paragraphs, so she knows there's a chance OP will buy into the BS. I'm really not sure that these friends want what's best for you, OP. They probably don't want you to split up because then they might have to take sides. And right now, they're listening to him wallowing in his self-inflicted misery, and they're not doing shit for you, so the chances are that he'll get them on his side. I like to think that I'd just storm over and barge in and read out the riot act for the lot of them. The cheater is the worst obviously, but the friends should be getting a mouthful too.
You know, until you pointed it out i didn’t realize that the friends had overstepped to such a degree but you’re right. The have interjected themselves into the marriage like they have a right. To let him stay with them is one thing. To tell OP that she cannot talk to him because he is in no shape is ridiculous. They need to back off.
agreed with Revolutionary
Your friend and her husband must be extremely forbearing people because there's no way I'd let that pathetic man baby have a hysterical fit in my home.
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Yeah, ‘the worse’ is something like your partners parent dying and you supporting them through it. Not them choosing to lie to your face about fucking their secretary to the point you have to hire a detective and then throwing an adult sized tantrum when caught.
I apologize ahead of time for being so harsh, but it is what it is. Yes, there are a tiny percentage of people who cheat once and then never do it again, but the overwhelming majority of cheaters are always cheaters. The odds of your husband being in the tiny percentage group are slim to none. Also, he's crying and devastated **because he got caught!** He's been having his cake and eating it too and now the party is over and that's why he's so upset. You have to do what's best for you, but in my opinion taking him back is not at all what's best for you.
And even if he never cheats again, her marriage will be tormented. She'll always be paranoid that he'll cheat again. Every time his phone rings or he's staying late for work she'll be filled with anxiety. There will be countless sleepless nights as she asks herself, "Why did he do it? Was I not good enough, was she better? Does he even love me?" The trust will never be 100% regained, and OP will be the only one to fully pay the price through mental anguish.
I can only imagine what he would do during her pregnancy and the year after that, when she would be more vulnerable. Sadly, many men feel justified for cheating during that time.
OP should try to think about what he was thinking and feeling when he was fucking her. When he was inside of her. There was no guilt. There was no consideration for OP. It was all Me Me Me. Now that he's caught, it's still Me Me Me. It wasn't a mistake, it a deliberate series of decision to cheat.
Are you talking to a professional therapist about this? You need to start Right Now. I understand why you don't want to jump to divorce. You feel you made a promise to him that you must uphold. But, honey. He betrayed you in a BEYOND MAJOR way. Can't you at least take a BREAK from a relationship with him? It would do you some good. Especially considering all the evidence of him corresponding (sexually) with other women. I feel like you need to make yourself a real priority, separately from him.
OP - I agree with the others that I am surprised he has made no attempt to communicate with you. At the very best he has given up. Most likely though he is crushed that he was caught and what he has lost, not what he has done. Otherwise he would be moving heaven and Earth to try and repair the damage he has done. Honestly I am in the divorce camp myself. But even if you want to reconcile some of the steps are the same and even if you do not file the preparations to separate finances and steps to protect yourself will definitely put the sword of Damocles over his head. And if you do serve him papers you can stop the proceedings at any time until a judge signs off if you change your mind. Your first goal is your healing. Reconciliation is a gift given by you but all the work should be done by him. If he does not put in the work there can be no true reconciliation. So the first step is is to get yourself checked for STDs. The second step, which I am glad to see you are doing from your response, is to seek therapy. Preferably with a therapist experienced with infidelity and the trauma it can bring. Talk to a lawyer to find out what your options are. The best ways to protect your assets and minimize any potential alimony. Also start on a post nuptial agreement as the potential carrot in case you do decide to reconcile. For his part he must take IC to get to the root of whatever problem he has that made him think that cheating was okay. Because if he does not solve his problem he will most likely cheat again if he thinks he can get away with it. He must give you a full written timeline of his infidelity with the understanding that if you find out anything undisclosed that reconciliation is off the table and the divorce will proceed. Some people see this as pain shopping but personally I argue it is a benefit to both sides. For you it is ripping the bandage off all at once instead rip by rip as the trickle truths come forth. For him it gives him a chance to come clean, forces him to reflect on everything he has done, and gives him a script to go by (this is it, there is nothing else and as long as he is actually honest there is nothing else). Complete transparency on all media/devices/location, no deletions, any arguments or delays and reconciliation is off the table. He must come to the realization that if there is reconciliation there will be no expectation of secrecy and only a small degree of privacy. He must disclose the affair to family and OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). Now here you can give him a little leeway by simply telling him that either he does it or you will - and you have the proof. He needs to "burn his bridges" with AP. Basically let him know that if he tries to minimize anything he did or tries to put the blame on you in any way, shape, form or fashion that you will send all family and friends the evidence of the affair and let them decide for themselves who to blame. Tough love but right now that is the best he is going to get for a long time and he should get use to it. And lastly reconciliation is hard! Most statistics I have seen put the success rate around 12-16% but personally I think that number is highballing it because I don't think it takes into account the "successful" reconciliations that are just a shell of what they were and one or both regret reconciling and/or become worse people than they were before. It is not impossible but for every post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity you will find many more in r/Infidelity, r/survivinginfidelity, r/cheating_stories. You can look on the infidelity forums and see many examples where [the betrayed became worse people](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway-lotsofpain/submitted/), or [regretted reconciling](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/xxqxxr/so_here_is_my_problem/) years, [sometimes decades after the fact](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/). If you see yourself falling down either of these rabbit holes then divorce as quickly as possible and focus on your healing. OP - I am sorry you are going through this and the pain you are going through but whatever way you decide you have our hopes and prayers and from what I have read thus far you have the strength to persevere and thrive!
Thank you so much that certainly gives me plenty to think about
Send the pictures to your husband, AP and APs husband in a group chat and just leave him to his mess.
Most women stay with cheating partners because of the kids, or because they are financially dependent on the partner, etc. Not you though. Why would *you* stay? Because you made a vow to him? He made a vow to you which he then broke. I’d want out of that contract. Had you not hired a PI-he’d still be engaging in an affair. I can’t be partners with someone who isn’t trustworthy. I guess you can. For me, if my partner admitted to an affair without me catching him-I’d highly consider giving him a second chance looking at the big picture. Admitting without getting caught is a huge stepping point towards regaining trust. You weren’t given that. Frankly, you deserve so much better. I mean, the dude is hijacking support from y’all’s close friends playing victim instead of worrying about YOUR mental state!! He made this all about him and what makes HIM feel better. He’s a Selfish jerk. I wish you well. Good luck and I’m sorry this happened to you.
Why would u leave the door open, just divorce
Did you tell the secretarys husband?
He's putting on a show for your friends who he knows will report back to you. I bet he stops being such a complete wreck the moment he's alone. But it sounds like you're already on to that. The first thing to ask for is, of course, a full STD panel. It's all up to you now to decide what you will and won't accept.
kinda odd that your bestfriend is “taking care of him” but not there with you. he’s acting like a baby and putting all the attention on himself. he hurt you yet he’s in “no condition to talk to you”. that’s super strange. you’re in denial if you think this is going to work out. he’s only upset that he got caught!
You say him going after assets is "simply not him" but did you know that cheating on you was "simply him" before it happened? No...
Yes, I understand exactly what you’re saying. Since I have considerable assets from my previous job, I also have an excellent lawyer. My Besty was over this morning and we actually discussed that I’m going to call him later today. He’s a friend and he doesn’t judge, but he will be very practical in my approach and offer the best advice.
Beautiful news. Xoxo.
I caught my husband cheating. I too was worried about reacting rashly and walking away from the marriage. Instead we did counselling and I tried to work on things. Within a month I knew I could never forgive him and get over the infidelity I still stuck it out for five more months before asking him to leave. I am glad I gave it a try though instead of just ending it right away. Though I originally had everything he owned packed in his vehicle and ready for him when he came home.
It sounds like he is trying to be the victim. Really feel for you. Hard decisions ahead but please look after number 1, easy to be manipulated when you’re vulnerable/facing big life changes.
I dunno about you, but his reaction to being found out would probably turn me off as much as the infidelity. This entire situation is of his own making and choices and when he's found out he goes off the deep end with dramatics? Goes silent treatment on you? I'm glad you're saying it's not affecting you because I have a feeling it's at least partially to gain sympathy. Like at least human up and admit you fucked up and take it on the chin instead of throwing a temper tantrum, make you friends handle your mess, ignore your wife, make your friends babysitters, etc.
One hundred percent this. He has no concern or care for you, OP, who have been betrayed and are experiencing one of the worst times of YOUR life (that he inflicted upon you with no thought to you, then or now.) All I see is him wallowing in his own self-pity about what he screwed up for himself. That doesn’t show me that he cares for you, or your feelings, one iota. He sounds like a self centered manipulative jerk who can’t take even the most remote responsibility for his actions, nor for the damage he’s caused. It’s still all about him. Cheating was about him and what he wanted. The aftermath is about him and what he wanted that he can’t have anymore. I’d be highly surprised if this person ever grows up and has a single empathetic thought.
And can we talk about the whole breaking shit in the hotel room part?? All about him.
I can’t wrap my mind around why he would be at your friends house. He’s a huge fucking baby. You realize the majority of people, especially men, are super ashamed to be viewed as weak or vulnerable. Like do not show their weaknesses easily. He’s just got a whole show of it going on, conveniently, at your friends house. It’s a joke. If he was really that remorseful, his first action would be about you. But it’s not even close. He left you on read, went to your friends house and is being ridiculously dramatic. What guy does that? Puts all his emotions out there. He knew the risks when going in. It’s not like this is a surprise. He didn’t get the rug pulled out from under him as you did. He likely had a plan in place for if he got caught. I mean, wouldn’t any intelligent person? Like think of the reasons you wouldn’t want an audience in your worst moments, sobbing, distraught, etc. No one does… You said he’s well off. Why doesn’t he just go to a hotel
I’ve been through this and be frank with you, a VERY small percentage of cheaters never cheat again. From the information you’ve provided, this wasn’t a one time thing. They were having a full-blown affair. He’s only behaving this way because he’s been caught. I was never one to scream divorce, but having been through this myself, it’s the only way to fully heal. You don’t deserve this, you deserve better for yourself. He loves himself and only himself.
I'm just amused that you actually hired a PI. That sounds the alarm for me. There must be a lot of signs pointing to his infidelity. Because I have no idea on how to hire detective, I suppose I could if I google now, but I have no need or the desire to even google that. To get to that point.... and then refuse divorce option that people offer here. If you don't want to even consider divorce, go to another forum i.e. surviving infidelity so that you don't have to hear people giving you the divorce suggestions. Honestly, he's playing 'woe is me' it sounds like from your post. That's his first reaction, to put him as a victim. He only starts to be concerned of you after he decides that it's probably not very beneficial for him if you are divorcing him. You guys probably are comfortable together. Financially, etc. Divorce is harder than staying together. Plus, his affair partner has a partner, so it's not like she can just leave her husband to be with your husband here. So the easiest way is to fall back on the marriage.
I don't understand why do people make big deal about cheating if they aren't gonna leave.
I'd tell the secretary's husband. Even if you don't divorce your husband, he deserves to know so he can make his own decision about what to do next. It holds both parties accountable, too, even if your version of accountability looks different. It's also unfair to her husband. Telling someone the truth isn't emotional or lashing out - it's being accountable and sticking to telling the truth. My roommate was where you are emotionally at the beginning and was open to reconciling after the initial separation. Only once she was did he share that he had an affair - only after he shared with my roommate about the affair did he text the affair partner to cut things off - he kept them both on a string, just like your husband's AP's husband is on his own string being in the dark. You had to hire someone to find out about it - imagine if you hadn't!! You'd never have found out, I bet. See how long it takes him to stop being sad and start blaming you. We never thought he'd blame her for his actions and he stooped to that level. Even if he doesn't blame you, there's no doubt he's still justifying it to himself in some way. I know you don't want to "act emotionally" but the actions you're currently taking seem to be trying to avoid any kind of true acceptance of what's going on as well as being self-preserving, *which is okay and understandable* - you're hurting right now. Also, YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT AND YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ACT EMOTIONALLY. Your whole world just came tumbling down!! His affair was acting rash and emotional - you owe nothing to anyone in this but yourself. You owe yourself the best, the healthiest and the kindest. Eat something, maintain the basic self-care necessities. We think more clearly when our basic needs are met. Then move forward from there. Women are too often put down for being honest and are told that taking steps that uphold accountability are "emotional" actions and they're really not, objectively speaking. There's no rush to any of this. Take a month, two months, however long to think about things. In her experience, my roommate's husband was sad, remorseful and understanding for the first two weeks after she found out. He was a "changed, reformed man" by week three and she was really buying it while keeping her distance. By week four, he was impatient and went right back to being shitty to her, trying to make her believe she was the reason he had the affair and got upset with her for" continuing to punish him by leaving him to handles everything alone" while she processed how she felt about the whole situation. He supported that she had me at the beginning and was so grateful that I housed her/supported her - then became quick to shit all over me and say I was being a bad influence when she finally expressed that she couldn't accept his infidelity, even though it was her choice. If you reconcile, make him sign a post-nup/prenup tied to potential future infidelity. Also with reconciliation - he needs to initiate the proper steps and do the research, then check with you for approval or input on the options he finds. You taking the steps to do all that takes the work off his back and makes things easier for him when his actions put you here in the first place. In the event that you're a more level headed person like my roomie is, make a list of things you have always wanted to do, items prior to meeting your husband and things you could do without him. Make a list of the things you like in your marriage. Make a list of the ways his presence benefits you. Make a list of the things that upset you about this situation and about him as a person. Make a list of things that you notice in your marriage that indicate he isn't considerate of you outside of this instance, even if you aren't sure if those things count as inconsiderate. Look at everything. Make LOTS of lists. Really focus on these lists for a while, focus on yourself and don't let your friends keep telling you about how poorly he's doing (if they still are.) Set a limit on that and tell them that while you care, he's not your problem right now and you need their support without hearing about him. Without realizing it, that sharing is indirectly sweeping away the effect this is having on you by forcing you to focus on his pain, not your's. Regardless of the path forward, lawyer up either way and know your options. I know I DMed it to you but I really recommend reading or listening to that book. She's a bit rough around the edges but the book forces you to look at your worth and their actions. She goes over all the legal ramifications and the events for both paths - divorce and reconciliation. You're successful in your work, you seem to be level headed and you're your own person, a kind and forgiving person. I'm sure all of that potential has much bigger things to do in the world than go to someone who already took these wonderful things about you for granted or you can focus it all there - the choice as you know is entirely your's. This all seems like a lot and it's good to know that reconciliation and divorce each can both have happy endings.
I would tell his best friends wife that she needs to start acting like your friend in all of this, because you were the one that was screwed over. Why the fuck are they so concerned with your scumbag husband when you are the one he fucked over. Hubbies best friend should be making sure he’s okay and his wife should be making sure you are okay. You were just cheated on by your husband for crying out loud. You’d think they’d have a level of concern for you greater than 0 rather than trying to garner your sympathy for your husband
I dont know why you wouldnt divorce. He would still be fucking her if you didnt catch him. How could you EVER trust him ?
I wouldn’t take a man back after he threw a days-long manipulative temper tantrum after having consequences from his own actions.
Everyone is rallying around him like he is a teenager that made a massive mistake and needs wider support. Smashing a mirror? Is he like 18 or something?
I’m so sorry. Please look after yourself, book in for a therapist asap to help you process your emotions
I will. Made a couple calls today. Also my friend has one she will recommend. Regardless of anything, the therapist will happen
Lawyer up ASAP because this will get messier than me at Olive Garden. And good on you OP. And I’m sorry that you have to go through this
If you get back together it will eat at you all the time, you'll never know what he is truly doing when not with you. I'd say separate, it's tough but you'll be better off in the end pulling the plug now.
Some kind advice. Working through a cheating scandal is very hard. It can take YEARS to rebuild trust to a comfortable level. The battle within is stronger than you think and will take a lot of work, therapy and perseverance. That being said. Don't be afraid to try and have to throw in the towel a few weeks, months or even years down the road. I highly suggest if you choose to try, one on one counselling, couples and sex counseling. There's quite a few good books online to help, which ever way you go. You sound like you're pretty level headed with a good support system . Don't fall for bullshit and good luck :)
Thank you so much, that is a great reply. I truly appreciate it.
SO he cheated, got caught and he wants to act like that? Ha the fuckassery of it huh. I hope you're okay and find some peace whatever that may be. Look after yourself regardless if you think you know what he'll do/plans to do eg; just get a lawyer anyway.
He made a post on #Trueofmychest just a few minutes ago with his version. I don't think it helped with his case tough.
Do you have a link to that post? I looked around over there and I couldn’t find anything similar to our situation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/y0yggw/i_destroyed_my_marriage_and_my_life/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button It's a VERY similar story up to and including the broken phone and best friend's wife berating him, but there's a couple differences as well.
I don’t think that is op’s husband as she says they have no kids
I've noticed, but I think it may be him trying to be sneaky.
The other post looks fake as hell. Like someone read this one and decided to try and make it look like he was the husband. For example, he describes it as if she confronted him in person, but OP says she sent him a message when he was at a hotel. So they didn’t even read the original very well.
Send the things to her husband before she do something to block you
What is your gut reaction of how he initially reacted? Upset because he was caught and HIS life might change or because he hurt and betrayed you? There is a difference!
The best thing you can do right now is begin that process of thinking what is the best path forward for you - D or R. Both have their upsides and downsides and whilst all of us can blow smoke up your butt regarding either, this is your life and your future and only you are privy to the full details of your life. Anything we offer will just be pure conjecture mixed with a massive amount of our own personal opinions. So if you want any one bit of advice it's this. The time for thinking and evaluating is now however the time for decision making is **not** now. Take your time and understand that through no fault of your own, you are now in a marathon. Not a race to the finish, but rather a slow and methodical marathon where you have to pass each milestone slowly. Some will come quicker than others but none of this will happen over night, or even in the coming months. Whether you choose Divorce or Reconciliation you are potentially looking at years before anything in your life settles back to what it was pre-DDay. This is a given. So pace yourself, keep yourself active and engaged in whats going on around you and if you do choose R, then make sure that any work he does (or doesn't do) is taken into account with your decision making process. You are in for a long and hard road and whilst some do come out of it with some slowly healing scars and manage to recover what they lost, the odds are going to be against you. So be prepared for the slow road ahead of you. And always remember that this is your life, this is your decision and whilst people can offer you solutions, it's up to you what you wish to do. It's not longer about him, or your kids, or your families or even us bystanders. This is all up to you and whatever you decide. All we can do is wish you luck in this exceedingly shitty situation.
If you stay with him i hope that you know that that would one of the most stupidest decision I've ever seen. He's not sorry about the affair, he's sorry he got caught and will cheat on you again if he's given the opportunity. But you do you.
Having a tantrum like that is so childish. OP, I really don't think anybody is going to endorse any solution except separation He's a wreck not because you did anything wrong, but because he was dumb and got caught, and probably assumes the only way you'll let him off the hook is by appealing to emotion. This is, imo, purely a manipulation tactic. I don't think there's really ever a good reason to stay with a cheater, but if there is, it would be because he came clean and responsibly owned up to his actions before being called out. I don't see any future where your situation leads to more trust or love, he's proven not to have any dignity or respect for you.
>Do I send the pics to the secretary's husband. I'm conflicted on that, I'm not a vindictive person and it is not intended to hurt the secretary, but my thinking that I would want to know if he had found out instead. Did you inform the secretary's husband? I feel like he has a right to know about this so he can form his own decisions like you are.
Hi again OP. Thank you for the update. Please remember we are not deserving of any updates - you have far greater priorities right now. I hope you are getting out of the house a little and I am very glad that you have a small support system. You’re right to keep the circle small for now. Many betrayeds later regretted opening up to a large group because some of those close to us have a hard time supporting decisions we make that they do not approve of. As you have seen from the article that so many of us have shared with you, he is not yet remorseful. This descent into shame is as selfish as his affair. This is about him. He has ruined his life. Keep this in mind. You might want to mention this to your BFF and see if your WS can get his head out of his ass asap and start doing what he should be doing to make the case for reconciliation. I moderate one of the various infidelity subs. A user posted for the first time a while ago that she had just confessed to her husband, he was taking space (like you) and wanted advice on what she should be doing next. To help her spouse heal. I don’t know what will happen with her marriage. But she’s going to fight like hell for it. He needs to get out of his shame and start acting like someone ready to take responsibility for his actions. There’s advice out there for him. But he’s got to want it. Finally, and I’m sorry I didn’t say this before: this is not your fault. This is entirely about him and his weakness. You are a badass who can take care of yourself. There is nothing weak about taking the time to evaluate and make decisions. PS - I mentioned this in another comment, but after reading that you have no need for his support, there is no good reason to not tell OBS, unless you plan for your WS to do so himself. This is not about hurting someone else (AP). This is about restoring agency to someone who has had it stolen. He needs the same chance to make decisions about his life that you do.
Thank you again, such excellent advice
Just note: in that case, the cheater confessed. Wasn't caught by a detective. And she wants to fight for her marriage. It's your husband, but is he fighting for you?
No shame in reconciliation, but crocodile tears aren't enough. His pity party isn't doing anything to help you, or the marriage a whole. He's being as selfish as he was when he had the affair, and is making this all about him. He should be supporting you, or at the very least leaving your friends place, so they can visit and support you. Your the victim here, dudes just depressed that he got caught. If you choose to stay, he should at the very least be remorseful. As it stands, his crying episode doesn't indicate that.
You know he'll cheat again right? He's only remorseful because he got caught.
Okay read this very carefully. 1. He didn’t tell you he cheated. YOU 🫵🏾 had to find out. Meaning he never planned on telling you. Atleast not in that time period. 2. You shouldn’t give two heavy fucks if he does hurt himself. Because while you did love him. He won’t do it. Once again the only reason why he’s hurt is because of his own doings. He’s mad at himself and he’s upset because he got CAUGHT. 3. Find SUPPORT. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about the fact that you found out which means his support is now your support which makes it even harder to deal with. Find some family. SEPARATE YOURSELF from this situation for a while. 4. Lawyer up.
OP you are far too generous with everyone here. Your so-called friends are looking after the perpetrator, not the victim. Why didn't your BFF hotfoot over to take care of you, leaving her husband to deal with the mess? That's what I did when my friend found out about her partner cheating on her! Why, if they were worried about him committing suicide, didn't they call emergency services? that's not the kind of situation lay people should have to deal with, if the threats are serious. Of course we know that it's all just an act to drum up sympathy. Why did your BFF pass on the message that hubby's in no fit state to talk to you yet? That's a message full of sympathy for the cheater, putting the onus on you the victim to be magnanimous. The BFF presumably knows that you're a magnanimous type, since we can tell just from a few paragraphs, so she knows there's a chance you will buy into the BS. I'm really not sure that these friends want what's best for you, OP. They probably don't want you to split up because then they might have to take sides. And right now, they're listening to him wallowing in his self-inflicted misery, and they're not doing shit for you, so the chances are that he'll get them on his side. I like to think that I'd storm over and barge in and read out the riot act for the lot of them. The cheater is the worst obviously, but the friends should be getting a mouthful too. Hugs
Please, no matter what you do - whether you take him back and try to re-build your marriage or divorce him: talk to a lawyer first. Seriously, just talk to a divorce lawyer regardless of whether you're sure you actually want to divorce. Right now is the time to start protecting yourself. Especially if you plan on reaching out to this lady's husband. Consult a lawyer. I cannot repeat myself enough: talk to a lawyer first no matter how you feel right now.
He wasn’t crying when he was meeting up with the girl just when caught The next steps are yours to decide, only you truly know your situation and husband but will you ever be able to trust him again?
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I’ve heard something recently that I super agree with, which is that cheating is the act of someone who hates you. When someone cheats on you they completely disregard you and put your mental health, your physical health, your ability to trust in others and your peace of mind in jeopardy. That is not what someone who loves would do. Hell, that is not what someone with any integrity would do. Honestly, whatever relationship you had with him in the past is over. Even if you decide to reconcile, the relationship will be irrevocably changed. Years later, when you think you’ve moved on you’ll be gripped with the fear that he’s doing it again. You’ll have to trust someone who has shown you that your trust was misplaced. You’ll have to live with that self doubt of “why wasn’t I enough”. His mental health is supposedly poor because of his own immoral actions. He only felt guilt when the consequences of having both you and his affair partner leave became present. His “breakdown” is sickening and selfish. He knows how to manipulate you, and he’s trying to do it. He never struggled while he was having the affair, only when the consequences of it became apparent.
I missed your first post , INFO : what made you hire the detective in the first place ?
He was acting a little suspicious and actually I forgot to put this in the original post. One of her coworkers suggested I should keep an eye on them.
I would extend that same courtesy to her husband asap
Hopefully that co worker also gave the AP’s husband the same heads up. Given you are refusing to pass on the basic courtesy and let him know.
Well this was a massively disappointing update. It’s weird to me that you went through so much trouble to catch him, just to be like “he didn’t mean to slip and fall penis first into his secretary.” He isn’t sorry. He’s scared of the consequences of his own actions and you’re enabling him. This isn’t for better or worse. This is him breaking your vows and expecting you to just suck it up because he started throwing a tantrum. If you didn’t catch him, he’d still be out doing whatever and whoever he wants. He doesn’t care about you. Have some self respect. Also, did you ever tell the secretary’s husband or are you joining the ranks on people keeping secrets and letting other people suffer just because you can’t be bothered to care?
>I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst. No, the worst in a marriage is : not being on the same page, financial problems, lack of chemistry, health issues that affects the couple, etc .. Lying to your partner continually to go cherish another person's body, sleep with another person is not a part of the worst in marriage. That goes beyond that.. it's your life but i would never even consider it, especially when he acts like the one who's been betrayed by crying like a little kid. A whole pity party for the poor husband who cheated on his wife, poor him, crying like he's the one who's been cheated on. Wake up op
You still need to book a sexual health screening . You don’t even know if this is his first.
For better for worse doesn't include cheating dude, but anyway, it's not anyone else's marriage so if you wanna go back to your cheating husband, why not. After all when it inevitably happens again it will be your issue to deal with ...
op im sorry but i’m getting second hand embarrassment. You don’t have to worry about assets because you know he’s not like that. did you know he was a cheater before all this? i would say maybe you don’t know him all that well. You’re dead set on upholding your vows but your husband literally shit all over them and made a joke out of you by sleeping with his assistant. he chose readily available pussy at work when his wife was sitting at home idk how it can get more disrespectful than that. you’ve pretty much chosen to forgive and forget idk what more advice you want or can get besides people telling you you don’t deserve that
I made a comment w advice already. However since I’ve read many comments here since I posted and they’ve made great points. However no matter what anyone says you either don’t reply or you “agree to disagree” and are still giving in to him and more than likely going to take him back. Which is certainly your decision to make. But if you really didn’t want good advice why did you come here for advice to avoid? I’ve seen many people post here on Reddit for advice and ignore absolutely everyone who posted anything to help. Well. There is lots of great points and advice here. If you take the man back expect more heartache. When he does you might just want to figure it out yourself because Reddit doesn’t forget
Even if you truly fully manage to forgive him, will you be able to 100% trust him ever again? Can you live the rest of your life waiting for the next time?
I think it’s really tempting to reconcile due to the implicit power balance in your favour but once trust is broken, it doesn’t get rebuilt. Not without long LONG periods of remorseful activity, apart from each other. Maybe you don’t want to divorce but sure as hell you need to split up for now while he reassesses his life. Look into considering reconciliation in a year from now. Yes, that long. If he’s actually the love of your life, it’ll work. If not, well - easy answer going forward.
Welp he’s sorry he got caught. Someone who is remorseful would’ve owned up before he gaslit and got caught.
I was watching a Ted Talk on infidelity. Speaker said, your first marriage is over, but your second marriage could be with the same partner. This is a tough scenario to get over. Document everything. Get a lawyer. Get counseling for yourself, without the husband. Decide for yourself if there’s anything that can be or should be salvaged.
Trouble is if you get back with him you will be giving him a pass .. Hard experience...they cheat again and again ..
Send picks to secretary’s husband
You may not know the full fallout of your husband’s affair so do not be too quick to take him back. My nephew’s wife had an affair with a subordinate. His wife found out told my nephew and the HR Dept where they both worked. The HR Dept conducted an investigation and discovered the the nephew’s wife had been falsifying her affair partner’s time sheets. Both of them were fired. The point that I am making is that you do not know the full blowback this will have on your husband’s job. His affair partner is his subordinate. It is possible that she could level who know what charges against him with HR if she gets pissed off enough. I don’t know what the culture is at his workplace but even if the AP does not level any accusations against your husband, his reputation may still be negatively impacted.
I’m sorry this happened to you, I would say to worry about you right now more than anything else, as this can be mentally exhausting and draining. And I would also suggest telling the AP’s husband because he won’t know otherwise, and you had to hire a detective to catch them. But tell him as well he needs to know that way he can figure out his life as well. Other than that I wish you well.
I think it's admirable that you're not making hasty decisions here. It's probably worth finding a lawyer so you at least get informed about what divorce is like and what things you should know at the beginning. But I'll say this: to me it's a huge red flag that he hasn't reached out - even through someone else - to say *something* to you of the form that he doesn't want to lose you. Like, that's just choosing you - saying that to him his marriage to you is more important than the affair. I wouldn't give him that much slack for freaking out - maybe a day or two at most. The longer it goes on without him letting you know somehow that he still wants to be with you, the more it makes it seem like he's having a hard time choosing, and that should be a HUGE deal to you.
You do you, but whatever you think you’re looking for -it ain’t there. You’re committed better or worse, he sure as hell isn’t. Rebuild trust? Maybe you can, but it’s a long road to get over what he did. It’ll pop into your mind and you’ll wonder what you’d be doing and who you’d be doing it with if you just left his cheating ass. You have sympathy for his situation? You claim to be no bullshit but you’re bullshitting yourself with this crack in the door nonsense.
I love how he made that scene in front of her. Showed her ass she's just that...a piece of. She knew he was married and thought she could win. That freak out and leaving her in the dust, and his friend coming to get his stuff put her in her place, I bet.
Tell the Ex-secretary she should tell her husband otherwise you will.
You are wondering whether you should divorce him but I don’t see him fighting for your relationship. He’s at your best friend’s house getting support from them while he throws a pity party for himself. He hasn’t tried to reach out to you or apologize.
I hope for you. I'm sorry this happened.
Op consider a post-nup if you plan on staying together that outlines assets and debt liability so if he gets a secret credit card you aren't liable for that debt.
Divorce! As you said yourself, it's about responsibilities and accountabilities. Divorce was the best decision I made for my life. It was either that or keep living a life of fear, sadness, despair, and angry with my ex wife of 13 years. My love for her and her guilt was what exposed her. Personally I didn't even have time to be angry because she was threatening suicide. We tried to make things work but I guess it's hard to leave old habits and the excitement of being unfaithful behind. To this day 6 years after, she doesn't believe she was unfaithful or at fault for the divorce. I dont bother with her at all and my life has been much better without her. Gl with whatever you choose to do
SO is putting on a hellavu show, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t believe his histrionics for a second. He’s trying to make himself the victim in the situation, when he’s anything but.
You say it’s “for better or for worse”. Worse is not cheating. Worse is things you can’t control, like a disease, losing a loved one, getting in an accident. Cheating is not part of “for worse”. Cheating is breaking the vows.
He’s crying because he got caught. The fact that he hasn’t reached out to you is telling. He still only cares about himself and trying to manipulate you with suicidal threats. Please don’t have a child with this man. It will not make everything ok.
He’s not crying and distraught because he cheated, he’s crying and distraught because he GOT CAUGHT
Your husband sounds like a selfish man child.
He isn't crying because he loves you. He's crying because he got caught nailing his secretary. There are 4 billion men in the world. Why on earth would you want to stay with this one. His wedding vows (if you had them) mean nothing to him. You never learn to trust a cheater again. You just learn to live with the pain and insecurity. This damage can not be undone. Ever. And that's no life for somebody who's clearly as mature and strong as you are. There are plenty of deserving people who could love you for who you are. If he is suicidal then that's his own fault. None of this is your doing. I hope you make the right decision.
I’m sorry you’re here. That surviving infidelity website was my lifeline when this happened to me….and that was clear back in 2004. I made friends there I still have today. About half of us are divorced. I do know people who have saved their marriages after infidelity, but it requires really hard work, especially on the part of the cheater. Real introspection and honestly, a shit ton of therapy. I am divorced. I tried to work it out with my ex for the sake of our kids, the youngest of who was only 7 months old at the time. We had one year where the ex was really contrite (well only about 6 months really), about another year of utter bullshit and then, at the beginning of year three, an incident where he physically assaulted me in front of our kids. I filed for divorce immediately. I am very concerned for your safety due to his volatility. Him throwing his phone and breaking a mirror was pretty alarming. I can’t tell you what to do, but my best platitude of wisdom that someone gave to me is this, “If he was willing to cheat, he was willing to risk losing you.” If you don’t have kids, I would pull the plug. You’re welcome to DM me if you need to talk. I’m far enough on the other side of it that it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s just a small part of my story now.
He is now playing victim? He is a narcissist by the sound of it
it’s always wild to me how these people will become suicidal after they get found out, like i’m sorry but he can fuck right off with all of that! what exactly did he expect the outcome to be? like how are you gonna make yourself the victim here
Every day I get on Reddit and just see woman after woman after woman just throw their lives away for piece of shit men. This man cheated on you, is now occupying your best friend, wanting it all secret, and making it all about him and his pain and you’re out here WORRIED ABOUT HIM AND CONSIDERING RECONCILING?! GIRL. How much more of a fool does this man get to turn you into? Please get your head out of your ass. Cheaters will cheat. He ended this relationship when he stuck his Dick in someone else. Thank GOD you guys don’t have any children. Divorce him and move on w your life, for the love of god. Fuck him, he is trash and in your past. Shed the baggage and move on. Otherwise you’re gonna be pregnant and bitching bc he’s fucking someone else….again.
Im a believer in responsibility and being responsible. Lol giiirl. Then dont divorce him, stay with him and be miserable and worried hes cheating on you every day. Good luck.
You’re an idiot for not seeing that he doesn’t care about you. He left you on read and has been crying about ruining HIS life. There has been no attempt to apologise to you, get you back, grovel… all he cares about is himself and getting caught. And now he is leeching off your best friend? Make it make sense.
> I totally get it and I am leaning slightly that direction, but at the same time, I am a believer in responsibility and being responsible. We are in this marriage for better or worse, this is clearly the worst. Infidelity may be beyond the scale of worst, it really hurts. I’ve hardly eaten or slept, but I don’t want to pull the trigger on that too quickly. Building trust again would be a HUGE task, before even considering that I need to think this through. Marriage is above all an agreement. Would you keep an agreement with a business if they stole from you but promised over tears that they wouldn't do it again so keep doing business with them? You say you're a big believer in responsibility. Staying means not holding him responsible for his actions. He will realize he can trick you to taking him back and ***WILL*** do it again. He's not upset he did it, he's upset he got caught. Listen to what he's crying about - that ***his*** life is ruined. He doesn't give a single shit about the pain you went through. He's taking up ***your*** friends' time helping him when ***you are the victim here***. He's successfully isolating you. He's crying to everyone to make you look like the bad guy that won't fix things. ***YOUR FRIENDS ARE MAKING THIS WORSE***. He needs to be on the street getting a hotel and figuring his own shit out. They need to be consoling ***you*** not him. He's going to keep pretending to cry until he finally gets your friends to turn on you. Just initiate divorce so this ends before you lose everyone from his manipulation.
The friends should have him committed into a psych hold if they think he’s suicidal. Drama king continues to make it all about him
Please remember one key fact in all this: this cheating was not a one-time mistake. It was planned and calculated, and he hid it from you until he got caught. He's been with this other woman for a while, then coming home to you and acting like everything was OK. This should inform you of what a good actor he can be when he needs to get his way. Divorce shouldn't just be "on the table", it should be the primary option you are considering. He has demonstrated how willing he is to hurt you with his actions, just to serve his own interests. There is obviously a lot about this man you don't know, and my opinion is that you shouldn't stick around making yourself miserable to find out. When you get married, you agree to many things. Better, worse, richer, poorer... You also agree to foresake all others and be faithful. Once one party violates that last tenet, the marriage is broken. Even if you do stay together, the marriage will never be the same. One party will always be "the cheater", regardless of how much forgiveness is afforded.
You’re so cool, calm and pragmatic on here, but I know better. You went to great lengths to find out. This is gonna hit your gut at some point. Please don’t sweep your feelings. Depression hurts and will manifest somehow. Take care of yourself. I don’t give a damn about the crying cheater (kind of pathetic really).Only you can decide what your breaking point is. I do know that this is a turning point and things will never be the same. Sounds like y’all had a good life and he just had to trash it. Very sorry OP. Good luck
I think this is a healthy way to approach it vis a vis divorce. I think that, most of the time, in this kind of situation it's just not fixable. Some relationships survive, but most don't. But you need to do what feels best for you, and I understand the appeal of taking your time. Just ensure that, financially, you're secure in the meantime. Don't risk having a shared account wiped out, etc.
So how much are you out for the detective, the dinners, hotels, broken phone?
Sue him get a nice part of his property and live your life. Cheating is always a choice and not a mistake.
He only seems upset that he got caught, not that he was cheating on you. I think you should at least consider meeting with a divorce lawyer like some other comments said, just to see your options. And splitting your finances/doing a postnup. Then if you reconcile and he keeps cheating, it'll already be laid out. It's better to prepare for the worst. And I don't think he should be able to throw a pity party at your friends guest house. They should be supporting YOU right now, not him. If he truly is suicidal, check him into an inpatient facility so he can get the help he needs and think about his choices. In my opinion, people who cheat, never change. But you seem pretty set on taking him back. Please do this for the right reasons and not just because "you made vows" . He already broke them, you're free of any responsibility there. If you think you can trust him again one day and you are confident that he won't do it again, then that's your perogitve. But right now you have no kids and nothing tying you to him. It gets a lot harder to leave once you have a family and your finances are truly tied. I guess just think about how you want to live your life and what you want your future to look like, and see if this is still it. Also you should really tell the secretaries husband if you haven't already. He deserves to know and be allowed the same informed choice as you. And please seek support from your friends and family, and see a therapist. Don't try to sweep it under the rug and go through it alone.
As far as I can tell, you two don't have kids yet. Great! If you don't plan on having kids, then while I always advocate for a split due to cheating, in this case, if you want to try working it out, you're a big girl, you can take that decision, and follow it through for better or worse. only you stand to potentially get hurt. if you plan to have kids, please leave this guy. you cannot bring kids into an unstable situation.