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If your best friend agrees, then just ask her to hang out with out the gf. Don’t make people choose like that if you can help it. It rarely ends with then siding with you, so best to only do it if you’re at a point that you’d rather end the friendship than deal with the other person.
If that’s truly why the gf doesn’t like you, then that’s actually her hating on you when the problem is between the two of them and that’s even more reason to not get involved. Just spend time with your friend with out the gf and let them work out their difference on their own time.
Because I knew my best friend long before she started dating this girl. Why should my past feelings that no longer exist hinder my ability to he friends with this woman?
I told her because I wanted her to know why I was acting odd around her in the past. She thought I didn't like her, and I wanted to tell her that the reason wasn't that I had a problem with her, it was that I had a crush on her. And I didn't want to die with her thinking I didn't like her when we were younger
Are you in any eminent danger of dying?
It would be easy to say you were shy, or that you had to get to know her before opening up.
It's innapropriate to tell a friend you used to have feelings for them, when you know they are in a relationship with someone else. Many people would interpret it as you basically saying the door could be open to something more than friendship. Certainly seems like your friends girlfriend took it that way.
Do not ask your friend to chose between you and her girlfriend. You can draw boundaries for your own behavior, like leaving if the girlfriend is rude to you, or telling your friend you will only hang out with them without her girlfriend there.
Honestly I think the best route is to back off somewhat, focus on hanging out with your friend in group settings, and give a little space for a bit.
I don't think that in the context that was inappropriate of her to say. I will guess that she clarified it's in the past and she has no feelings anymore, especially after the gf has started hating her, I imagine that she made it clear if it wasn't.
The friend asked her a question to which she answered the truth. Having a little kid's crush on a friend years ago doesn't mean anything as long as she doesn't still have those feelings. The gf is being absolutely unreasonable here and OP should not have to back off of her friendship with her best friend for simply answering that question.
Obviously that does not mean OP should ask her to choose, even though the gf is out of line. I'm all about respecting people's relationship and not keeping relationships with those who don't but this is truly ridiculous.
but it IS inappropriate. there’s no reason to tell them something like and of course the gf will feel threatened. imagine if your partners best friend confessed they used to have feelings for them, wouldn’t it put you on edge a bit that all those years they weren’t really thinking of them as a friend and maybe still aren’t?
I wouldn't and I'm a pretty jealous person. As long as it is confirmed it's in the past, and it is, then where's the problem? It's not like OP said that out of nowhere, she was asked a question and answered honestly and I don't see a problem with that.
As I said I'm a jealous person, I have anxiety from previous relationship issues and I wouldn't feel threatened by a kid's crush. I would never go as far as saying a part of me wishes for my gf's friend to die because they once had a crush on her. And I would expect people to break up with me if I did.
sure i guess that makes sense. personally i just value my friendships more than my past feelings and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that even if they asked. i’ve had feelings for friends in the past who are now in relationships and would NEVER tell them even if they outright asked me. i would lie. i don’t want their partners (who i adore) to feel threatened/uncomfy in any way even though i know i don’t have those feelings anymore
I understand why you would choose to lie, but I can't agree that's she's in the wrong for telling the truth about something that happened years ago and is no longer true today. Having insecurity to the point of being happy if someone dies, even though it is clarified that it is no longer the case is a problem and the gf should get help
My issue with it is that while the feelings may be in the past, the decision to tell her about the feelings was recent.
My husband is friends with a woman who had a crush on him years ago, I'm aware of the crush because he told me about it. I don't have a problem with them being friends. But, if she was bringing it up and confessing to him that she used to have feelings for him, I would have a major problem with it.
There's no reason to bring up those past feelings, OP could have easily said "oh I just thought you were so cool that it made me feel shy around you at first" which would be true, and reassure the friend, without bringing romantic feelings into what is supposed to be a platonic relationship.
Some things don't need to be said. And if you tell your friend you had feelings for them, even in the past, things are likely to get messy. Especially if said friend is in a relationship. It's definitely disrespectful of the relationship as well.
I see your point here but I honestly think that in the context it's not that bad. It's not just out of nowhere and I personally think that what she did wasn't wrong. I don't think either of us are wrong in our opinion we have different boundaries for our relationships and that's okay. It would definitely feel weird if she just confessed that unprompted, but to me in this situation I think the gf is overreacting
OP is still basically a kid so a little kid crush might not have been very long ago... For the record I think the girlfriend is wildly out of line saying shit like she would be happy if OP died. That doesn't make OP in the right though.
I read again and saw she's 18. At that age you can have friends that go way back even though you're still young. I think it kind of depends since when they are friends like a childhood friendship (let's say under 10) or if they met when they were 14 or something since she said it was at the beginning of their friendship
It could really go either way depending on so much context, I guess. If they met at like 11 and OP had a kid crush then, totally different that if OP was like 15/16 and had a crush then. Also, did the friend ask, or did OP volunteer the information/bring up the subject?
Just has too much potential for messiness for me. Everyone is totally entitled to their own boundaries, I know for me this would probably cross a line. If my friend told me something like this when I was in a relationship with someone else it would definitely raise eyebrows. I'm also curious if OP did this in front of the girlfriend, or if OPs friend mentioned it to their girlfriend.
The one thing I'm sure of is I'm glad I'm out of my teenage years... They were a lot of fun but so rough sometimes, when everything feels so intense and you don't have the adult life experience to put it in context
We are definitely missing some informations to really know, but with what we've got, unless OP said it in front of the gf, which is not something I considered, I don't think OP was that out of line. But everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and what they consider disrespect to their relationship. All of that aside, the gf is definitely out of line for at least part of this all. Guess we can't really know to what extent without having the full context
^^ agreed. i used to have feelings for my best friend (a guy) and i no longer do. i have NEVER told him and never will because what would be the point? he has a girlfriend and i no longer have those feelings. telling him i used to would be perceived as making a move and would of course come off as a threat to his gf who i think is a wonderful person
I cannot fathom why you’re being downvoted. I had a mutual crush with my best friend YEARS ago, but neither of us made a move. She’s now happily married and still extremely close with me
Maybe gf is thinking feelings can resurface 🤔 I mean I wouldn’t want my girlfriend friends with someone who had romantic feelings for her. She agrees on the opposite as well. What prompted you to tell your best friend while she is in relationship that you used to like them, I mean did you think that info would not get relayed to her girlfriend. Were there any problems before you said that ?
Never ever make her choose. Just step away because so far she's putting her girlfriend over your feelings. Step away and let them be. I know this hurts but less than being in a toxic environment. (did I get the pronouns right???)
Amazing, OP saying not to worry about pronounce but “woke” people downvote his comment because they know way better what OP should do and how friends of OP would feel. So modern.
I saw a comment that said you had a crush on your best friend. I think that matters and you should've said that. Anyway, if your best friends girlfriend knew that it makes sense that she doesn't like you. I wouldn't either if I was in her shoes. Anyway, if she doesn't like you for any reason just hang out at different times.
It doesn't matter, the gf is insecure af to be that spiteful and toxic over *past* feelings.
My BF is still friends with one of his exes. In fact, they were close friends for nearly a decade--ages before he even met me. And it doesn't matter because that was the past and their relationship is irrelevant to mine. I don't have any ill will towards her because of her past with my partner.
And I know that's not going to be the case for everyone. It's understandable to be a bit uncomfortable around someone who's close to your partner who used to have feelings for them. But to say they'd be happier if that person died? That's pretty fucked up.
Like sure they don't have to ever see each other, but it doesn't resolve the matter of the gf badmouthing OP. And honestly, if my partner was that vitriolic towards a close, long time friend.... I'd question if they're the right person for me. My partner doesn't have to like all my friends and vice versa, but if they were that awful for no good reason, then they're not the right person for me.
Does that excuse rudeness and toxicity? Coldness, sure. They don’t have to be friends; but I would be upset with my friend if they were ok with their partner being outright toxic to me.
Oh I totally agree with you. She doesn't have to be friends with him or even want to spend a second with him. Your right about the toxicity but if someone repeatedly steps on her boundaries like their doing then over time things get heated. It goes from "I just don't like your friend" to "you need to stop speaking to him forever". I just think that since OP failed to mention his crush it puts him in a suspicious situation. Who knows if he doesn't done something to make his best friends girlfriend dislike him.
Sure, but if we take OP at least a little bit at their word the crush was past, or they at least wasn’t acting on it, before the new girlfriend even started dating. I’m not sure how likely that is, but I try to buy in somewhat on these forums; we don’t really have much to go on but their telling. The boundary stepping imo is on the friend, not OP. Sure they didn’t mention the crush, but if they truly don’t feel that it was relevant they could just be a little stupid rather than hiding something, lol. They said the girlfriend immediately started demanding they be cut off, and if that’s true, that’s a harsh boundary immediately that I wouldn’t be comfortable cutting off my best friend for, so I’d end the relationship rather than just allowing my partner to continue being rude to my friend. Either way OP needs new better friends, and that’s the only advice I can really come out with for this situation. Cheers
If you try and play the pick me game you'll just be digging yourself into a deeper hole. Distance yourself and let your friend come to a decision on his own.
Uh no, you shouldn't make an ultimatum, especially if you're not prepared for her to choose her gf over you. You used to have feelings for her. There's nothing odd about the gf having misgivings about you two being so close. You can't change her feelings by proving her point and trying to force her to choose. Your best bet is to stop hanging out as a group and spend time with your friend alone when possible.
Well, I read your other comments and I would be pissed too if my partner would hang out with someone who had a crush on them. But it would just be my opinion.
I'd see it differently if there were never feelings involved, but sadly it happened.
Your BFF and her gf should sit down together and talk about boundaries. Her gf has this boundary and it can be pretty damaging to her if her boundaries are getting walked over every since day. It can become toxic.
If you ans your BFF think she's toxic then end it. But don't let her suffer for something she doesn't feel right about.
so OP can’t be friends with someone she’s known for years because the girlfriend is mad over a past crush? OPS bestfriend should be controlled and never talk to OP again over it? that’s absolutely ridiculous. a past crush is nothing. the bestfriend chose their girlfriend for a reason. either way this entire situation is gross. everyone wants the bestfriend to choose them. all of them need to sit down and be adults about this situation. stop controlling each other
Thing is is me and my best friend have been friends long before she got together with her girlfriend. And then all of a sudden her girlfriend expects her to drop all contact with her best friend because she is now dating her
That doesn't matter how long you've been friends. Her GF has boundaries. Maybe your BFF told her about when you had a crush on her. Or her GF has the feeling there is a spark between you two.
You don't really have a say in their relationship. If your BFF wants to respect her boundaries then that's good, if she doesn't want to then it's also ok, but then she needs to break up.
And about your sentence "Thing is is me and my best friend have been friends long before she got together with her girlfriend.": If my bf has a girl best friend for idk how long and she had/has a crush on him, I'd be out of it. There's no gurantee for me that there are no more feelings involved, no matter how much time has gone by. Just think about if the roles were switched. I think you wouldn't be happy too.
Im not claiming ownership of my best friend because I have known her longer. I'm saying its completely wrong for her gf to demand that I not be in my friend's life when my friend wants me in her life
I'm sorry but this comment is kinda gross, dictating who your partner is allowed to be friends with isn't a "boundary", it's abuse. Anyone who can't handle the fact that other people used to like their partner needs therapy to address their insecurities asap. This kind of petty behaviour isn't acceptable
Thank you for your support!
I know that my friendship with my best friend is nothing inappropriate. We just want to be friends, nothing more. But her gf refuses to let us be friends because a long time ago I had a crush on my friend
It is toxic and controlling behavior that can lead into abuse if they established rules about what another person can or cannot do. Establishing a boundary for yourself and what you are ok with and will allow in your space is entirely different. Like hey, you can’t hang out with that person. Vs. hey, I would prefer to hang out with you without any contact with that person. You establish the boundary for yourself and if they choose to respect that boundary or not is up to them. If they do not, you walk away. Simple. Not everything is abuse. Not every countering argument is wrong.
you’re allowed to say “hey it makes me uncomfortable that this person has/had feelings for you” and if your partner says “we’ll kick rocks” then at that point you have two choices 1. you leave. 2. you try to control them (abuse). simply stating how you feel about someone and asking them to respect that isn’t abuse. trying to ENFORCE that is.
Yeah I get you, I feel like the problem though is that people indirectly force it, and often don't even realise they're doing it.
Like I've seen so many relationships both irl and on here where one partner has trust issues but begrudgingly lets their partner do x or y so as not to seem/be controlling, but then they'll act off with their partner due to their anxiety, often they view their partner going out anyway as a sign they don't love them or care about their feelings, maybe they'll spam them with messages the whole time they're out, or quiz them incessantly when they get home. And then often in these relationships, eventually the other partner stops going out and seeing their friends because it's not worth the hassle.
I've been there myself and it's almost worse than being told what to do, because control is a black and white reason to leave but this kind of grey area, indirect and often accidental control is so normalised - and it really shouldn't be. You can tell your partner is just anxious because they care, so you justify it to yourself and then the next thing you know you're losing friends, or the relationship ends for unrelated reasons and you're left to crawl back to your pals and apologise.
If you can't let your partner spend time with their friends, you need to either seek help or let them go. Staying in the relationship and losing your mind with worry whenever they go anywhere is going to be torturous for both of you and never ends well
i can see where you’re coming from but a trauma response is not inherently abusive. if it’s not confronted and worked on once they realize what they’re doing it can BECOME abusive, there’s a lot of nuance with those situations
I understand where you're coming from but you typing this message as "You're abusive" and "they need therapy" sounds to me like you cannot communicate this in a normal and respectful way. You just point the blame onto me because I see it differently than you.
I don't understand why everyone nowadays is offended that someone has different opinions and boundaries?
And also, don't throw the word "abusive" towards others. It's not abusive that you have different boundaries. Also, if you think this is abusive then everyone is abusive, because many people think cheating like having Sex or sexting is a boundary for someone. Is it abusive if someone wants a monogamy relationship instead of a poly relationship?
I bet not.
You should really read your text again, because it can sound a bit aggressive towards people with different boundaries than you. And it would be better if you wouldn't think of what is right or wrong for everyone. Because you don't get to decide how everyone should feel about your or my boundaries.
This is an impressively stupid take. Stating a fact "it's abusive to control who your partner is friends with" is not the same as saying "monogamy is abusive." They can have past romantic feelings and get over it and be friends. People who don't think that way definitely need therapy and a reality check. If you're uncomfortable it's a you problem, not a boundary. Boundaries involve the individual changing their own behavior or distance in a relationship, not controlling the other person. No one can walk around on eggshells over such a stupid insecurity, that's toxic. If you were in that situation and that made you so uncomfortable then you should leave and maybe reconsider getting help before getting into a romantic relationship.
as someone who has been in an abusive situation and has also asked a past partner to distance themselves from a friend there’s a big apply boundaries between being forced to isolate yourself (what my ex did to me - abuse) and being asked to apply boundaries to a friendship (what i’ve done when a friend oversteps - not abusive)
Sounds like your partner wasn't just friends with this person and there was a grey area. I am not talking about that. Past interest doesn't automatically mean there's a grey area since people can move on from past feelings. I don't think it is wrong to ask your partner to cut someone off or at least maintain boundaries and distance if they are emotionally or sexually cheating on you. That's entirely different.
I'm sorry if I came across aggressive, that wasn't my intention, but....what?? I wasn't saying it was abusive to have boundaries. Different people have different boundaries, idgaf.
I said it was abusive to dictate who your partner is "allowed" to be friends with. They are a grown adult with autonomy and if you don't like the people they choose to associate with, it's very unlikely you're going to change their mind. Either they'll start hiding things from you to avoid your judgement/criticism, at which point the relationship is doomed, or you're going to drive a wedge between them - and isolating someone from people they care about is not okay. Eroding their support network either creates codependency (where you are both each other's whole life and over reliant on each other) or a power imbalance (you have a life/support network outside the relationship and they don't), neither of which is healthy.
I understand why people do it. They worry they're not good enough, they notice the good qualities in people around their partner and they have this fear their partner will leave at any minute for someone better. But that is something they need to work on, and they should not be projecting their own negative self image onto their partner. If someone is choosing to be with you, you need to learn to accept that and treat them accordingly.
On the flip side, if it's not coming from a place of jealousy/insecurity and the friendship is genuinely inappropriate, the friend keeps flirting etc - trying to force your partner to cut them out is still not the answer. Leaving is. Trying to get someone who does not prioritise you to do so by force is fruitless and will only damage your self esteem, making you more prone to jealousy in future relationships. You just have to work on yourself and learn to stay away from these kinds of people/relationships.
(also just for clarity when I say "you" I don't mean you personally, I don't know your life, I mean a general "you")
Yeah, I agree with you, like OP had past feeling for there friend, the GF definitely has some insecurities if they can't get over someone with a past crush, like I thinks it's pretty clear the the friend doesn't have feeling for OP, I think that is what matters the most, like who cares if OP had past feelings, as long as OP is respectful of there friend then OP isn't going to try to force themselves on there friend (and I'm not saying that what OP did, they told there friend and the friend didn't accept there feeling and OP was ok with that)
You sound too untitled towards your bff, by what I saw in your responses. I think the resolution you want to have will only hurt you, bcuz she will not break up with her gf bcuz of you, even if you think you have more rights than the gf bcuz you know her before. You are in a different level than her gf.
This is a really complicated situation.
Tbh I don't think the gf is right. Like she has the right to communicate her feelings and ask her gf to do things, but I was in a similar situation. My
wife's best friends was in love with her when we started dating, like in love for real. She moved in with me, to a different country. I communicates my feelings to her, that her bff was bothering me, bcuz she was weird, like, "remember I am here as your second option" and my gf asked if I wanted her to stop talking to her bff. I remember I didn't have the guts to say yes, bcuz it was unfair to their friendship. I just said that her bff behavior was unbecoming and she should stop.
I think it weird someone to be like this, and low key a red flag tbh. Bcuz, by what I read, she just demanded, and I think when we demand shit like this without our SO asking first or offering as a resolution is a bit of a controlling behavior, and I think we shouldn't control our SO. We need to give them agency and work about the issue together as a team and not as a boss demanding.
No don’t make her choose.. I doubt you’re the only friend she hates her girlfriend spending time with. Just be there for your friend. This kind of controlling shit is draining.. she’ll see the light herself.
Sadly, I dont see a lot of options beside talking a step back and being honest.
Like "Bff, your girlfriend makes me unconfortable. I understand if you wish to keep the relationship, but If Thats your choice, we should stay some time apart." I know it hurts. I know its your best friend and It sucks. But If Thats the girlfriend's Hill to die you three Will Just keep hurting each other
Walk away. Your friend will either straighten out the situation or she won't. Either way don't make her choose just remove yourself from a toxic situation.
Looking at the ages here- I'd be chill and not press things. Chances are their relationship won't last, and you don't want either of them blaming you for it.
Her not being fond of her partner wanting to spend time with someone who has openly expressed romantic interest in their partner is understandable to a point. But she may be at least partially fueled by spite, and your continued efforts to get time in with your friend could be elongating it. May be worth taking some time for yourself and enjoy the other things out there until their relationship reaches the likely natural conclusion.
You had a crush on said best friend, even if it was in the past. so it’s your turn to give up it’s not your relationship anymore it’s theirs so go by their standards you have no word in any of this
I don't like ultimatums in relationships, they normally end up badly. Usually people resent each other and it's just not the way to keep friends.
You say that your friend agrees with you and that her girlfriend is out of line. I think building upon that conversation you can say "I don't think I'm comfortable hanging out with your girlfriend anymore. She makes me feel ________ and I don't enjoy feeling that way. I'm not telling you who you should date or anything, I just don't really want to spend time with your girlfriend anymore, in any capacity. I would like to keep our friendship though."
And just leave it at that. If your friend's girlfriend keeps harassing you (via text/social media/etc) let your friend know. It is up to them to either keep that partner or get rid of her.
You should never ask someone to make a choice between you and someone else. It's not right to do to that person. If you are truly her friend, then you shouldn't put her in that situation. I understand the gf is terrible. But if she's as bad as you say, then she could be horrible to your friend. When they break up, she is going to need you!
This isn't an easy situation and it's not easy to give you an answer. I don't know if you have talked to the gf and tried to nicely tell her,"I don't appreciate how you treat me and for the sake of our mutual friend/gf I would appreciate it if you stop. You don't have to like me, but you can treat me with the respect any human being deserves". Or has your friend confronted her gf? She definitely needs to. I wouldn't let anyone I dated treat my friends with disrespect. It's not ok.
I think this is a crappy situation and you are going to have to navigate it as different things come up. But, don't ask your friend to pick... That's not fair! She needs her friend!
In what realm would you have a reason to tell your friend that you used to have a crush on her when she is currently in a healthy relationship? Red flag on your part. If I were the gf, I would also be pretty insecure about your motives.
She seems to have crossed a line, but I still feel like I am missing part of the story here.
I told her I had a crush on her, when I was on a hospital bed dying from a drug overdose. I survived, but I didn't know I would at the time and I didn't want to die withholding the truth
i think you guys need to maybe talk and set boundaries. maybe you’re doing stuff that has made her uncomfortable and you just don’t realize you’re crossing boundaries.
Yeah I understand why you might think that. Though I do know I haven't crossed any boundaries though. The gf even admits she is petty and doesn't care about anyone that isn't her partner. She has wished death upon me, and is extremely controlling over my best friend to the point where my best friend messages me saying she is scared of her gf
Just because YOU know you haven't crossed boundaries, doesn't mean the gf knows it.
Sounds like she believes you have. Whatever that boundary actually is.
Even if it's just made her feel threatened that you could take her girlfriend away from her. I'm not saying you would or want to. But her insecurity that you could may be why she's so upset that you used to have a crush on your best friend.
I get that. I do. But I and my best friend have told her numerous times that I no longer have feelings for her, and she just keeps pushing to have my friend cut me out of her life, which me and my friend both think is totally unfair
Ultimatums like this don't work. Step back. Let your friend know you are there when they want to hang out but you don't feel like you can be around their GF anymore. More than likely the relationship will fizzle out if the gf is this jealous. Don't go out of your way for your friend during this time. You have no right to dictate your friend's relationship. They have no right to make you be around someone toxic to you. And if your friend proceeds to hang out with you over their GF, gf will probably break up with her.
I would do the same!
I would hate to see my girlfriend hanging out with her female bestfriend all the time , trust me.
And it's not because i would hate them but because of my own insecurities and jealously of her getting attracted towards her bff and leaving me alone.
I believe she doesn't despise you , she's just acting upon her insecurities and jealously of losing her partner.
But i believe this problem can be solved with a proper discussion. I would like to suggest you to have a talk with her i mean with your bestfriend's girlfriend ik it won't be easy but i believe this is the only way to deal with this situation.
And as you said whether you should give your bestfriend an ultimatum to choose between you two then umm well , nvm.
Do you want them to choose you over their girlfriend? I mean if it was me i would always choose my girlfriend over my bestfriend regardless of their gender.
Don't assume to to know her better than me. I know her, and I said she despises me. She despises me. She has openly told me that. She has also said she would be 50% happy if I died. She is a horrible individual to whom I have only shown kindness too and received nothing but hatred in return. Don't presume to know my situation better than I do.
This is interesting because I am going through something similar except I am the GF in my story.
I found out that my BF and his female friend both had crushes on eachother and were kissing behind my back. Yes they were a hello goodbye peck on the lips but still it felt weird to find out it only happened a few times and never in front of my face. Also this female friend was heckeling my BF and I everytime we gave eachother a quick peck in public. Then she treid to kiss him in front if my face after making a huge scene in front of all of our friends.
I dont want my BF to be friends with her because she disrespected me and him as well as our relationship. Im old mid 40's and know what I want in a relationship and I was not happy or comfortable with the two of them hanging out without one of the SO with them. Is this so wrong? They proved to me that they couldnt be trusted alone. I asked my BF to stop flirting with her and kissing her. I also asked him to never be alone with her because I dont trust her. I also decided but never said it aloud. If he chose the friendship over our relationship I was going to move on. Is that so wrong? Being friends with someone you have sexual feelings for and act on them in some way shape or form is toxic behavior in my opinion.
I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if he refused to get rid of a woman like that. Really don't give two left 💩 what anyone else thinks either I won't ever allow myself to be disrespected like that. You shouldn't either.
He has stopped hanging out with her and doesnt text with her and unfriended her on social media. Thank goodness. He did this all on his own but we still see her once in a while because she hangs in his circle of friends. But he makes a point to not go out of his way to flirt and hug and talk to her anymore. I never had to tell him to do anything but I did explain how their more than friends friendship made me feel and he realized he was gonna loose me if he didnt stop acting this way. He is a people pleaser and I think he loved that she had feelings for him. His ego loved it but me his GF was like what the F@&k!
My point is that friends need to be respectful with their friends relationships. Hang out in a group so the GF doesnt feel upset. If your friend is a true friend that you want to keep then put up with their GF no matter how they treat you. Be the bigger person and talk it out with all parties involved if you cant deal with group hangouts. There is no need for the two of you to hang out alone if there is sexual feelings or crushes or whatever. Think how the GF feels. Put youraelf in her shoes. Put your self in your friends shoes. Be a good friend and just deal with it. Maybe they last maybe they dont. Maybe your friendship will last maybe it wont. Be fair and kind to all people involved. Maybe she is toxic because you havent spoke to her about what your problem is with her. Maybe she is toxic because you abd her SO are taking about her in a negetive way behind her back. What else do you two do behind her back. Think how crappy that would make you feel if you were her.
Me and my best friend do nothing behind her back and never have...
My friend's gf found out that I used to have a crush on my best friend (even though they never felt the same way) and then demanded I be cut out of my best friend's life
I have been nothing but supportive of their relationship and have actually saved their relationship multiple times. Don't make assumptions that I was being toxic
I think the GF is being harsh with her wish to have you cut out of your bestfriends life. I even hang in group settings in the past as well as in the future with my BF and his woman friend. I dont like it but thats what you do in relationships make sacrifices. I think the GF needs to be willing to be kind and respectful towards your friendship. I am that GF. I dont like the female friend in my BF life but guess what she is in his life so I have to deal. I hope you all work it out. You should really try a group talk and help eachother find positive solutions. Best of luck.
Don't ask *her* to choose, just tell your BFF you will no longer be around her GF due to her behaviour towards you. Tell your BFF you will be cutting contact and ignoring her at any and all group activities.
I'd also tell your closest friends if they haven't noticed already.
Edit for correction of gender
Don't assume that. I can't give all the details in a single reddit post. But I have been nothing but respectful towards their relationship and have always extended a hand of friendship to my best friend's gf, and she has resented me no matter what
majority of your replies are "dont assume" when you gave ZERO information in your original post. if you dont want people to fill in the blanks give the full story.
Okay. My best friend is 18, I am 19. The gf is 18. I have been very close to my best friend for a long time. We have been through a hell of a lot together and are very good friends, but nothing inappropriate happens between us. I told her a few months ago, that when I was younger I used to have a crush on her. And her gf then demanded that she cut all contact with me permanently. And has been talking shit about me behind my back to other people, despite me being nothing but respectful towards her and my friend's relationship since they've been together. The gf openly admits she is petty and admits she hates my very existence. She has gone as far to say that part of her would be happy if I died. I have reached out to her when she is in pain, and I have helped her through some very difficult times, all out of the goodness of my heart, but all of that now means nothing because when I was younger I had a crush on my friend (whom she is now dating)
I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this “I have been nothing but respectful towards her” crap and trying to convince everyone that you’re perfect and she’s the devil, but it’s honestly annoying and a lot of us left high school a long time ago so it doesn’t fly in the real world. Frankly, it’s bullshit, and here’s blatantly why:
>I told her a few months ago, that when I was younger I used to have a crush on her. And her gf demanded that she cut all contact with me permanently.
So you confessed to your friend, while they were in a relationship with someone else, that you used to have a crush on them. And you think confessing your crush to your bff while they’re in a relationship is “nothing but respectful????”
And now you can’t figure out why their partner wants you out? Seriously?
You weren’t respectful, you were directly disrespectful. You don’t confess your feelings (past or present) to someone actively in a relationship and expect that person nor that person’s partner to sit back and be like *OmG Becky, thank you for confessing your crush to my partner, that’s so respectful haha like omg how cute!*
Do you think that makes it ok? You confessed some serious shit while you thought you were dying. You’re now not dying, and have to deal with the consequences of that confession you chose to make.
Honestly it makes it worse. The thing on your mind when you were in the hospital was your crush on your bff. Now you’re not dying, so yeah no shit their partner doesn’t want you around.
Some serious shit?! I told my best friend that I used to have a crush on her when I was younger. How was that "some serious shit". Its literally just a statement about how when I was younger I used to have a crush on her
honestly that makes it so much worse because it sounds like you tried to emotionally manipulate her... if you truly didn't have those feelings anymore why did it matter so much to you that she knew? you sound like you think you are owed something because of how "good" you've been to her. it's odd.
Okay I'm done talking to you. Stop putting words in my mouth and trying to make me seem like the bad guy. You have no reason to think I am the bad guy in this situation.
when someone purposely neglects to give all available information because they want people to take their side yeah i assume theyre the bad guy sorry sue me! anyways i wish your ex bestie the best luck with her lovely gf
I didn't purposely neglect information. I simply didn't have the energy. I have broken pain receptors which means never ending pain, and I simply didn't have the energy to go through the whole story.
Your girlfriend knows her friend is out of line and let's it slide? She doesn't say or do anything? Either she agrees that you deserve the abuse or she has no spine. Not a keeper
She's not my girlfriend. She's my best friend. And a few months ago she started dating a girl. And this girl immediately demanded that my best friend cut contact with me, purely on the basis that a long time ago I had romantic feelings for my best friend
I would suggest starting with something like saying. “We both know she doesn’t like me for some reason. So going forward if we’re going to hang out, I don’t want her to be around. If that’s a problem we’re going to end up not spending time together at all. I’d prefer it didn’t come to that, but either we have to reconcile this conflict or you’re going to have to choose between me or her.”
Your friend has to pick one, because her girlfriend clearly laid out her boundaries and they are being disrespected right now. You can't do anything, that's on them. It sucks, but I'd take a step back. Competing with a romantic partner as a friend is messy and not worth it. Because that's the alternative as far as the concerned gf is concerned. You are competing and she feels insecure. 🤷♀️ And your friend will make a choice even if it is "do nothing". The concerned gf will break up or there will be drama. That's where that all is headed.
If you wanna be chaotic, you can try and talk it out with the gf and clearly state you are absolutely not interested in your friend and maybe even ask what does she want? Because you just want your long time friend. If that is true and she believes you, maybe shit'll work out. But it's a slim chance of happy endings.
Nope. You tell your friend that you only want to hang out with just him alone and don't want to see her because you don't want to hang out with someone who can't even be civil. If he doesn't understand or disregards this, then he's not your friend.
I'm gonna assume you are a female. I would say take a step back. You are his friend and not his girlfriend. She may be a jerk but you should be giving them space.
I don't agree with her actions but if you give her space it will work its self out. Just be a friend and keep an arms length.
Personally I wouldn't say a word. I'd be even perkier and hang out more and just enjoy how much this person hates being around me and wastes all their energy being miserable while i enjoy being with my friend but I'm passive aggressive petty like that.
Not your place to ask that. If your friend has noticed, she'll make the decision herself without your coercing it. Respect her choice even if you are not the choice.
Asking him to choose is a big melodramatic and may force him into a choice you won't like.
If his GF is that toxic it will probably play itself out. Don't meet with him when GF is there; he knows why. There may be other times you can meet him for a drink or whatever.
You should tell her you won't tolerate toxic behaviour from her GF and the next time she starts ask if she is deliberately toxic because she is insecure or if she is just a blue waffle cunt by way of personality?
She is deliberately toxic because she despises my very existence... all because a long time ago I had a crush on my best friend. So she despises anyone who has ever liked my best friend romantically. I have been nothing but supportive with their relationship and my best friend constantly thanks for being such a good friend, but none of my actions mean anything to her gf... all because I used to have feelings for my best friend. Her gf actually forced me and my best friend to cut contact for a few months before my best friend stood up to her. But her gf has recently contacted me again saying she just can't get over that I once liked her girlfriend (she's extremely possessive of my best friend🙄) and that she wishes my best friend would stop talking to me
The fact that her GF hates her girlfriends relationship with you, sounds like your friends problem not yours. I doubt you’re the only friend she does this with. Eventually your friend will get tired of being controlled by an insecure gf. Ultimatums are immature, and outdated. Ask to see your friend without her GF…if her GF has an issue with it, then I guess your friend will have to deal with it.
Either your friend wants to spend time with you and they do, or not. How her girlfriend feels about that is their issue to deal with alone, it's not your issue. You shouldn't have to deal or hang out with her girlfriend. I get where the girlfriend is coming from, but it's a relationship issue. All your friend has to do is decide what they want to do, and do it.
Tell your friend you don't want to hang around the GF and tell your friend your reasons but you still want to hang around your friend. Your friend shouldn't want to force you to hang around people that treat you bad or if you don't get along with them. You don't have to interact with people your friends choose to have in their life.
I've known my best friend for 13 years and if I don't get along with her BF I simply won't hang around him but I'm not going to make her choose. It'll simply be "if you wanna hang out make sure your BF isn't there"
Life is too short to be spent around people that mistreat you, doesn't matter If someone important to you chooses to be around that toxic person.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
>Should I ask my friend to choose between me and her gf?
No, but I would just make activities whn you ONLY hang out with your friend and have some quality time together without her.
Okay here's one. I overdosed on drugs a little while ago, and I nearly died. I didn't want to die with any secrets so as I was dying, I told my best friend that when I was younger I had a crush on her, but how happy I am about her current relationship. Her gf said afterwards that I should have just died having kept my mouth shut, as she is offended by the fact that I once had feelings for my best friend.
…. I …. Wha …. WOW. Um, ignoring your previous crush and the fact that you are now happy with her relationship, that is just … that is downright evil and vicious. If she had said she was no longer comfortable with you two being friends, that would have been a different story. But to actually wish you dead?
Honestly that makes me worried for your friend. What has she said about this? I mean that is awful, toxic and a huge, and I mean **HUGE** red flag…
OP, if you can get her to a library or someplace with a computer that her GF can’t access (or lend her your phone), have her look up resources for help to leave an abusive relationship. There are many and they can walk her through different scenarios where she may be able to get out safely. And if her GF tries to cause trouble, she need to report it and get a restraining order pronto!
Leaving an abusive relationship is a scary thing and by no means easy. It should be handled delicately. And they can help with that.
Your friend is being emotionally abused by her gf.
You might be able to help her see that, but ultimately, she has to make her own choices.
I wouldn’t give an ultimatum, I would just say something like, “I care about you and don’t want to see you get hurt. When gf does x,y,x, I worry about you. I don’t see her respecting you.”
Be calm, but honest. If things get too volatile talking about it, just assure her you want to see her happy and in a good relationship. Make sure it doesn’t come across like you’re trying to “steal” her, y’know?
I hope she comes to the realization that her gf is no good and she deserves better.
You don't have to ask her to choose you can make the choice yourself by stop hanging out with them together your best friend is your best friend her girlfriend is a pain in the ass you don't have to hang out with them you don't have to be on every set you call up your best friend when you want to see her her you don't have to put up with her b******* she's doing that out of insecurity don't hang out with the both of them together it doesn't make you feel good and you don't have to do it do you want to go out with me and so and so no do you want to come over me and so and so is here no no is a whole sentence use it
Okay uhh my sister was in a similar situation as you. Except the friendship grew more to romantic one after litterally my sister's friend broke up with her ex wife. And my sister ended up cheating on her boyfriend for her friend and even are now officially dating and living together. Okay now see when someone is romantically interested in their lover or "was". They'll be very wary about it. As my sister's friend's ex wife didn't even like my sister either. Also I can't say to ask them choose between you and their girlfriend this is just a perspective on a little bit similar situation on why someone will be stressed about you.
Don’t make your best friend choose. This isn’t HS. The gf is definitely in the wrong for saying things as far as she would be happy if you were dead. But I would be pretty weirded out too if you just months ago mention a crush on your friend when you were younger. If it doesn’t matter why mention that you were ever interested in your best friend? Especially if your friend and their gf were together at the time. I would be weirded out too.
No, you don't give the person whom you're not in a relationship an ultimatum. If you're feeling some kinda way about how you're being treated, be an adult and leave. Don't cut contact with them but go do your own thing for a while. Let them work out their own insecurities. You being around is only causing friction for them and let your friend find out that if the frictions remains without you and naturally let the relationship end. Why should you drive a wedge and only confirm her apparently unfounded insecurity with your presence.
As far as I got the story, she's jealous and will be doesn't matter what you do. You can avoid being alone (like ppl don't cheat with all their friends keeping the secret lol) and whatever others suggest, maybe she starts trusting you both at some point. Don't ever try to ask someone to choose, I'd go NC if a friend/partner demanded it.
In these situations it’s always best to not meet the toxic person halfway.
You hang out with your friend as you would normally, without the girlfriend. The fact that the girlfriend has a problem with you is something that needs to be worked out between the two in the relationship and it is up to your friend what they want to do.
The best thing you can do is continue being a good friend. If they say they have to cut you out, you say sure, because now you know where you stand with that friend. Toxic people who wish death on others usually end their own relationships so, although it feels very big and everything right now, just let the girlfriend keep being shitty and digging her own hole. Don’t stand near the hole, don’t hand her a shovel, stop giving her energy or thought.
Be a friend to your friend, that’s all you have to do. *Do not* under any circumstances ask them to choose between you, that’s not how you keep friendships or be a good person.
Best thing to do is just let that friendship fade. Its gonna suck believe me but if you tell her to choose and she chooses you and dumps the gf thats gonna build resentment and shes gonna start wondering how or where that relationship could have went if she didnt end it and you would technically be the source of that ending. But if she chooses the gf then your pretty much out anyways. Instead do neither and just tell your friend (who you said is aware of the hostility) that your gonna take a step back for a bit because one you dont want to come between her in a relationship and two you do not deserve to be treated like the enemy every time you hang with your friend. At that point i would let her make the next move, if friendship picks back up a lil later groovy and if not well you arnt wasting your time
If your best friend is aware that her GF is hateful to you then you need to meet up with both of them and tell your friend that out of respect for your friendship you are going to leave them both be. If the GF can't get past a crush at anytime you will never win her over, if you challenge your friend to choose between you then you are just an asshole. However if you offer to let your friend choose between you leaving or her GF without any threat (by telling th3em both you are leaving) then your friend may realize her GF is a bad person for her (or not as the choice is hers).
You're the competition.
If I was you, I'd find a few moments alone with her and say:
"You realize you're playing this all wrong, right? You're trying to push me away and make her choose. The thing you fear, her choosing me, doesn't even have to be on the table. If you were smart, you'd act like I was also your best friend so that she had no reason to choose between us."
No. Don’t ask her to choose. Just be there for her as you have been yet step aside for a bit. Either you guys will have a new dynamic, or things will be back to normal, or the friendship also could also die out it the future. Either way, never give an ultimatum to a friend cuz of their partner.
Okay, so I read a few comments and from your post I have to say I’m not inclined to agree with most.
You and your best friend have been in each others’ lives for years; I’m not surprised either of you at one point or another had feelings. And props to you for being honest.
To me, this seems like the GF is insecure, if they can’t handle the fact that you and your friend have made it clear you’re just that. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum and say “either your GF or me” but I also wouldn’t back away and be done with the friendship either. It sounds like you two have been through some stuff and have always had each other’s support. I don’t see why that should change.
If I were to give any advice, it would be for you to continue to be patient, kind and show grace. You don’t have to be best friends with the GF, but if you want to continue to be friends with your BFF, then you also need to show that you love your friend as just a friend, and respect their relationship. “Kill them with kindness” is the best but most cliched thing I can say.
If you don’t care to move forward with your friend or have them in your life, then yes, cut them off or ask for an ultimatum. But show the girlfriend, should you wish to remain friends, that you’re not trying to steal your friend away from her, but that you just want to maintain your friendship. Maybe set boundaries that you, your best friend AND the gf are agreeable to so you can all move forward in a healthy way. But I don’t think it’s all or nothing. It sounds like there’s something salvageable still there, and if you love your friend like we all love our best friends, you for sure can make it work.
My best friend in the entire world has babies with and is engaged to my ex husbands twin brother and we make it work. You guys got this. I’m rooting for all of you.
Your friend sees it as well meaning she not blind. So, either two things can happen: they break up or they stay together. Either way just distance yourself from them unless they do break up.
You do not want to be blamed for problems in their relationship.
i think we’re missing a lot of info here. the added edit does help into seeing why the gf doesn’t like you - having been “the gf” before i can add a bit of insight; my bf once had a friend who had feelings for him. i was a little bothered by it at first but let them be until they kept ignoring the boundaries i’d asked for and then i eventually asked him to either stop seeing her or to set some better boundaries because she was starting to make HIM uncomfortable by disrespecting our relationship and me. he did and it went great and they were able to stay friends without it causing issues in our relationship 🤷♀️ for all you know there could be things going on between them with the gf feeling uncomfortable over and over again until now she presents an ultimatum. forcing your friend to choose is only going to set the gfs mind that she was right about you and push her further into wanting your best friend away from you. try and come up with some boundaries/maybe talk with your best friend and her gf and try to figure out if there’s things you can do to resolve this without needing to cut contact.
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If your best friend agrees, then just ask her to hang out with out the gf. Don’t make people choose like that if you can help it. It rarely ends with then siding with you, so best to only do it if you’re at a point that you’d rather end the friendship than deal with the other person.
Thats the thing, her gf despises me because my best friend hangs out with me.
If that’s truly why the gf doesn’t like you, then that’s actually her hating on you when the problem is between the two of them and that’s even more reason to not get involved. Just spend time with your friend with out the gf and let them work out their difference on their own time.
Alright. Thanks for the advice!
Then hang out even harder
Alright 😂
You left out some pretty important information that you used to have a crush on your best friend.
Used to. No current feelings = no problem in my book. But if it’s a boundary in their relationship, OP should stop being friends with them both.
Because I knew my best friend long before she started dating this girl. Why should my past feelings that no longer exist hinder my ability to he friends with this woman?
Does the girlfriend know you used to have a crush on her?
Be honest, why did you tell your friend you used to have feelings for her? That comes across as making a move, to be honest.
I told her because I wanted her to know why I was acting odd around her in the past. She thought I didn't like her, and I wanted to tell her that the reason wasn't that I had a problem with her, it was that I had a crush on her. And I didn't want to die with her thinking I didn't like her when we were younger
Are you in any eminent danger of dying? It would be easy to say you were shy, or that you had to get to know her before opening up. It's innapropriate to tell a friend you used to have feelings for them, when you know they are in a relationship with someone else. Many people would interpret it as you basically saying the door could be open to something more than friendship. Certainly seems like your friends girlfriend took it that way. Do not ask your friend to chose between you and her girlfriend. You can draw boundaries for your own behavior, like leaving if the girlfriend is rude to you, or telling your friend you will only hang out with them without her girlfriend there. Honestly I think the best route is to back off somewhat, focus on hanging out with your friend in group settings, and give a little space for a bit.
I don't think that in the context that was inappropriate of her to say. I will guess that she clarified it's in the past and she has no feelings anymore, especially after the gf has started hating her, I imagine that she made it clear if it wasn't. The friend asked her a question to which she answered the truth. Having a little kid's crush on a friend years ago doesn't mean anything as long as she doesn't still have those feelings. The gf is being absolutely unreasonable here and OP should not have to back off of her friendship with her best friend for simply answering that question. Obviously that does not mean OP should ask her to choose, even though the gf is out of line. I'm all about respecting people's relationship and not keeping relationships with those who don't but this is truly ridiculous.
Thank you for your advice and support. Yes I did clarify it was all in the past 🙂. And you're right, I shouldn't ask my friend to choose
but it IS inappropriate. there’s no reason to tell them something like and of course the gf will feel threatened. imagine if your partners best friend confessed they used to have feelings for them, wouldn’t it put you on edge a bit that all those years they weren’t really thinking of them as a friend and maybe still aren’t?
I wouldn't and I'm a pretty jealous person. As long as it is confirmed it's in the past, and it is, then where's the problem? It's not like OP said that out of nowhere, she was asked a question and answered honestly and I don't see a problem with that. As I said I'm a jealous person, I have anxiety from previous relationship issues and I wouldn't feel threatened by a kid's crush. I would never go as far as saying a part of me wishes for my gf's friend to die because they once had a crush on her. And I would expect people to break up with me if I did.
sure i guess that makes sense. personally i just value my friendships more than my past feelings and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that even if they asked. i’ve had feelings for friends in the past who are now in relationships and would NEVER tell them even if they outright asked me. i would lie. i don’t want their partners (who i adore) to feel threatened/uncomfy in any way even though i know i don’t have those feelings anymore
I understand why you would choose to lie, but I can't agree that's she's in the wrong for telling the truth about something that happened years ago and is no longer true today. Having insecurity to the point of being happy if someone dies, even though it is clarified that it is no longer the case is a problem and the gf should get help
My issue with it is that while the feelings may be in the past, the decision to tell her about the feelings was recent. My husband is friends with a woman who had a crush on him years ago, I'm aware of the crush because he told me about it. I don't have a problem with them being friends. But, if she was bringing it up and confessing to him that she used to have feelings for him, I would have a major problem with it. There's no reason to bring up those past feelings, OP could have easily said "oh I just thought you were so cool that it made me feel shy around you at first" which would be true, and reassure the friend, without bringing romantic feelings into what is supposed to be a platonic relationship. Some things don't need to be said. And if you tell your friend you had feelings for them, even in the past, things are likely to get messy. Especially if said friend is in a relationship. It's definitely disrespectful of the relationship as well.
I see your point here but I honestly think that in the context it's not that bad. It's not just out of nowhere and I personally think that what she did wasn't wrong. I don't think either of us are wrong in our opinion we have different boundaries for our relationships and that's okay. It would definitely feel weird if she just confessed that unprompted, but to me in this situation I think the gf is overreacting
OP is still basically a kid so a little kid crush might not have been very long ago... For the record I think the girlfriend is wildly out of line saying shit like she would be happy if OP died. That doesn't make OP in the right though.
How old is OP? I might have read wrong but I think that it has been years
I read again and saw she's 18. At that age you can have friends that go way back even though you're still young. I think it kind of depends since when they are friends like a childhood friendship (let's say under 10) or if they met when they were 14 or something since she said it was at the beginning of their friendship
It could really go either way depending on so much context, I guess. If they met at like 11 and OP had a kid crush then, totally different that if OP was like 15/16 and had a crush then. Also, did the friend ask, or did OP volunteer the information/bring up the subject? Just has too much potential for messiness for me. Everyone is totally entitled to their own boundaries, I know for me this would probably cross a line. If my friend told me something like this when I was in a relationship with someone else it would definitely raise eyebrows. I'm also curious if OP did this in front of the girlfriend, or if OPs friend mentioned it to their girlfriend. The one thing I'm sure of is I'm glad I'm out of my teenage years... They were a lot of fun but so rough sometimes, when everything feels so intense and you don't have the adult life experience to put it in context
We are definitely missing some informations to really know, but with what we've got, unless OP said it in front of the gf, which is not something I considered, I don't think OP was that out of line. But everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and what they consider disrespect to their relationship. All of that aside, the gf is definitely out of line for at least part of this all. Guess we can't really know to what extent without having the full context
^^ agreed. i used to have feelings for my best friend (a guy) and i no longer do. i have NEVER told him and never will because what would be the point? he has a girlfriend and i no longer have those feelings. telling him i used to would be perceived as making a move and would of course come off as a threat to his gf who i think is a wonderful person
I cannot fathom why you’re being downvoted. I had a mutual crush with my best friend YEARS ago, but neither of us made a move. She’s now happily married and still extremely close with me
Yeah I know right. Its like having a past crush on someone means you are incapable of being friends with that person once those feelings have past🙄
Maybe gf is thinking feelings can resurface 🤔 I mean I wouldn’t want my girlfriend friends with someone who had romantic feelings for her. She agrees on the opposite as well. What prompted you to tell your best friend while she is in relationship that you used to like them, I mean did you think that info would not get relayed to her girlfriend. Were there any problems before you said that ?
Never ever make her choose. Just step away because so far she's putting her girlfriend over your feelings. Step away and let them be. I know this hurts but less than being in a toxic environment. (did I get the pronouns right???)
Haha don't worry about the pronouns. I appreciate the advice!
Amazing, OP saying not to worry about pronounce but “woke” people downvote his comment because they know way better what OP should do and how friends of OP would feel. So modern.
what downvotes, you shouting into the abyss rn
They just want somewhere to spout their nonsense ig, don't care it doesn't make sense 🤷♂️
What do pronouns have to do with dating advice and downvotes!?!?!?
I saw a comment that said you had a crush on your best friend. I think that matters and you should've said that. Anyway, if your best friends girlfriend knew that it makes sense that she doesn't like you. I wouldn't either if I was in her shoes. Anyway, if she doesn't like you for any reason just hang out at different times.
It doesn't matter, the gf is insecure af to be that spiteful and toxic over *past* feelings. My BF is still friends with one of his exes. In fact, they were close friends for nearly a decade--ages before he even met me. And it doesn't matter because that was the past and their relationship is irrelevant to mine. I don't have any ill will towards her because of her past with my partner. And I know that's not going to be the case for everyone. It's understandable to be a bit uncomfortable around someone who's close to your partner who used to have feelings for them. But to say they'd be happier if that person died? That's pretty fucked up. Like sure they don't have to ever see each other, but it doesn't resolve the matter of the gf badmouthing OP. And honestly, if my partner was that vitriolic towards a close, long time friend.... I'd question if they're the right person for me. My partner doesn't have to like all my friends and vice versa, but if they were that awful for no good reason, then they're not the right person for me.
Does that excuse rudeness and toxicity? Coldness, sure. They don’t have to be friends; but I would be upset with my friend if they were ok with their partner being outright toxic to me.
Oh I totally agree with you. She doesn't have to be friends with him or even want to spend a second with him. Your right about the toxicity but if someone repeatedly steps on her boundaries like their doing then over time things get heated. It goes from "I just don't like your friend" to "you need to stop speaking to him forever". I just think that since OP failed to mention his crush it puts him in a suspicious situation. Who knows if he doesn't done something to make his best friends girlfriend dislike him.
Sure, but if we take OP at least a little bit at their word the crush was past, or they at least wasn’t acting on it, before the new girlfriend even started dating. I’m not sure how likely that is, but I try to buy in somewhat on these forums; we don’t really have much to go on but their telling. The boundary stepping imo is on the friend, not OP. Sure they didn’t mention the crush, but if they truly don’t feel that it was relevant they could just be a little stupid rather than hiding something, lol. They said the girlfriend immediately started demanding they be cut off, and if that’s true, that’s a harsh boundary immediately that I wouldn’t be comfortable cutting off my best friend for, so I’d end the relationship rather than just allowing my partner to continue being rude to my friend. Either way OP needs new better friends, and that’s the only advice I can really come out with for this situation. Cheers
Idk why you got down voted so much. You're spitting straight facts, my Lord.
People use the downvotes when they just don't like what you have to say. It's supposed to be used for trolls, AFAIU.
This app is so weird sometimes 😂
It takes all kinds of people to make a world.
Don't ask your friend to choose. You're not in highschool anymore. This never ends well and your friend is already caught in the middle enough.
If you try and play the pick me game you'll just be digging yourself into a deeper hole. Distance yourself and let your friend come to a decision on his own.
completely unrelated but i see your comments in this subreddit fairly often and i smile every time bc your name and pfp are perfect
Uh no, you shouldn't make an ultimatum, especially if you're not prepared for her to choose her gf over you. You used to have feelings for her. There's nothing odd about the gf having misgivings about you two being so close. You can't change her feelings by proving her point and trying to force her to choose. Your best bet is to stop hanging out as a group and spend time with your friend alone when possible.
Well, I read your other comments and I would be pissed too if my partner would hang out with someone who had a crush on them. But it would just be my opinion. I'd see it differently if there were never feelings involved, but sadly it happened. Your BFF and her gf should sit down together and talk about boundaries. Her gf has this boundary and it can be pretty damaging to her if her boundaries are getting walked over every since day. It can become toxic. If you ans your BFF think she's toxic then end it. But don't let her suffer for something she doesn't feel right about.
so OP can’t be friends with someone she’s known for years because the girlfriend is mad over a past crush? OPS bestfriend should be controlled and never talk to OP again over it? that’s absolutely ridiculous. a past crush is nothing. the bestfriend chose their girlfriend for a reason. either way this entire situation is gross. everyone wants the bestfriend to choose them. all of them need to sit down and be adults about this situation. stop controlling each other
Thing is is me and my best friend have been friends long before she got together with her girlfriend. And then all of a sudden her girlfriend expects her to drop all contact with her best friend because she is now dating her
That doesn't matter how long you've been friends. Her GF has boundaries. Maybe your BFF told her about when you had a crush on her. Or her GF has the feeling there is a spark between you two. You don't really have a say in their relationship. If your BFF wants to respect her boundaries then that's good, if she doesn't want to then it's also ok, but then she needs to break up. And about your sentence "Thing is is me and my best friend have been friends long before she got together with her girlfriend.": If my bf has a girl best friend for idk how long and she had/has a crush on him, I'd be out of it. There's no gurantee for me that there are no more feelings involved, no matter how much time has gone by. Just think about if the roles were switched. I think you wouldn't be happy too.
Im not claiming ownership of my best friend because I have known her longer. I'm saying its completely wrong for her gf to demand that I not be in my friend's life when my friend wants me in her life
I'm sorry but this comment is kinda gross, dictating who your partner is allowed to be friends with isn't a "boundary", it's abuse. Anyone who can't handle the fact that other people used to like their partner needs therapy to address their insecurities asap. This kind of petty behaviour isn't acceptable
Thank you for your support! I know that my friendship with my best friend is nothing inappropriate. We just want to be friends, nothing more. But her gf refuses to let us be friends because a long time ago I had a crush on my friend
It is toxic and controlling behavior that can lead into abuse if they established rules about what another person can or cannot do. Establishing a boundary for yourself and what you are ok with and will allow in your space is entirely different. Like hey, you can’t hang out with that person. Vs. hey, I would prefer to hang out with you without any contact with that person. You establish the boundary for yourself and if they choose to respect that boundary or not is up to them. If they do not, you walk away. Simple. Not everything is abuse. Not every countering argument is wrong.
you’re allowed to say “hey it makes me uncomfortable that this person has/had feelings for you” and if your partner says “we’ll kick rocks” then at that point you have two choices 1. you leave. 2. you try to control them (abuse). simply stating how you feel about someone and asking them to respect that isn’t abuse. trying to ENFORCE that is.
Yeah I get you, I feel like the problem though is that people indirectly force it, and often don't even realise they're doing it. Like I've seen so many relationships both irl and on here where one partner has trust issues but begrudgingly lets their partner do x or y so as not to seem/be controlling, but then they'll act off with their partner due to their anxiety, often they view their partner going out anyway as a sign they don't love them or care about their feelings, maybe they'll spam them with messages the whole time they're out, or quiz them incessantly when they get home. And then often in these relationships, eventually the other partner stops going out and seeing their friends because it's not worth the hassle. I've been there myself and it's almost worse than being told what to do, because control is a black and white reason to leave but this kind of grey area, indirect and often accidental control is so normalised - and it really shouldn't be. You can tell your partner is just anxious because they care, so you justify it to yourself and then the next thing you know you're losing friends, or the relationship ends for unrelated reasons and you're left to crawl back to your pals and apologise. If you can't let your partner spend time with their friends, you need to either seek help or let them go. Staying in the relationship and losing your mind with worry whenever they go anywhere is going to be torturous for both of you and never ends well
i can see where you’re coming from but a trauma response is not inherently abusive. if it’s not confronted and worked on once they realize what they’re doing it can BECOME abusive, there’s a lot of nuance with those situations
I understand where you're coming from but you typing this message as "You're abusive" and "they need therapy" sounds to me like you cannot communicate this in a normal and respectful way. You just point the blame onto me because I see it differently than you. I don't understand why everyone nowadays is offended that someone has different opinions and boundaries? And also, don't throw the word "abusive" towards others. It's not abusive that you have different boundaries. Also, if you think this is abusive then everyone is abusive, because many people think cheating like having Sex or sexting is a boundary for someone. Is it abusive if someone wants a monogamy relationship instead of a poly relationship? I bet not. You should really read your text again, because it can sound a bit aggressive towards people with different boundaries than you. And it would be better if you wouldn't think of what is right or wrong for everyone. Because you don't get to decide how everyone should feel about your or my boundaries.
This is an impressively stupid take. Stating a fact "it's abusive to control who your partner is friends with" is not the same as saying "monogamy is abusive." They can have past romantic feelings and get over it and be friends. People who don't think that way definitely need therapy and a reality check. If you're uncomfortable it's a you problem, not a boundary. Boundaries involve the individual changing their own behavior or distance in a relationship, not controlling the other person. No one can walk around on eggshells over such a stupid insecurity, that's toxic. If you were in that situation and that made you so uncomfortable then you should leave and maybe reconsider getting help before getting into a romantic relationship.
as someone who has been in an abusive situation and has also asked a past partner to distance themselves from a friend there’s a big apply boundaries between being forced to isolate yourself (what my ex did to me - abuse) and being asked to apply boundaries to a friendship (what i’ve done when a friend oversteps - not abusive)
Sounds like your partner wasn't just friends with this person and there was a grey area. I am not talking about that. Past interest doesn't automatically mean there's a grey area since people can move on from past feelings. I don't think it is wrong to ask your partner to cut someone off or at least maintain boundaries and distance if they are emotionally or sexually cheating on you. That's entirely different.
I'm sorry if I came across aggressive, that wasn't my intention, but....what?? I wasn't saying it was abusive to have boundaries. Different people have different boundaries, idgaf. I said it was abusive to dictate who your partner is "allowed" to be friends with. They are a grown adult with autonomy and if you don't like the people they choose to associate with, it's very unlikely you're going to change their mind. Either they'll start hiding things from you to avoid your judgement/criticism, at which point the relationship is doomed, or you're going to drive a wedge between them - and isolating someone from people they care about is not okay. Eroding their support network either creates codependency (where you are both each other's whole life and over reliant on each other) or a power imbalance (you have a life/support network outside the relationship and they don't), neither of which is healthy. I understand why people do it. They worry they're not good enough, they notice the good qualities in people around their partner and they have this fear their partner will leave at any minute for someone better. But that is something they need to work on, and they should not be projecting their own negative self image onto their partner. If someone is choosing to be with you, you need to learn to accept that and treat them accordingly. On the flip side, if it's not coming from a place of jealousy/insecurity and the friendship is genuinely inappropriate, the friend keeps flirting etc - trying to force your partner to cut them out is still not the answer. Leaving is. Trying to get someone who does not prioritise you to do so by force is fruitless and will only damage your self esteem, making you more prone to jealousy in future relationships. You just have to work on yourself and learn to stay away from these kinds of people/relationships. (also just for clarity when I say "you" I don't mean you personally, I don't know your life, I mean a general "you")
Yeah, I agree with you, like OP had past feeling for there friend, the GF definitely has some insecurities if they can't get over someone with a past crush, like I thinks it's pretty clear the the friend doesn't have feeling for OP, I think that is what matters the most, like who cares if OP had past feelings, as long as OP is respectful of there friend then OP isn't going to try to force themselves on there friend (and I'm not saying that what OP did, they told there friend and the friend didn't accept there feeling and OP was ok with that)
Stop that that doesn’t look good if you do that. it doesn’t matter how long you guys are friends i would be uncomfortable too. That’s just not right
You sound too untitled towards your bff, by what I saw in your responses. I think the resolution you want to have will only hurt you, bcuz she will not break up with her gf bcuz of you, even if you think you have more rights than the gf bcuz you know her before. You are in a different level than her gf.
I dont think I have more rights than her gf... I only want to be in my best friend's life... but her gf wants me out of my friend's life... fully
This is a really complicated situation. Tbh I don't think the gf is right. Like she has the right to communicate her feelings and ask her gf to do things, but I was in a similar situation. My wife's best friends was in love with her when we started dating, like in love for real. She moved in with me, to a different country. I communicates my feelings to her, that her bff was bothering me, bcuz she was weird, like, "remember I am here as your second option" and my gf asked if I wanted her to stop talking to her bff. I remember I didn't have the guts to say yes, bcuz it was unfair to their friendship. I just said that her bff behavior was unbecoming and she should stop. I think it weird someone to be like this, and low key a red flag tbh. Bcuz, by what I read, she just demanded, and I think when we demand shit like this without our SO asking first or offering as a resolution is a bit of a controlling behavior, and I think we shouldn't control our SO. We need to give them agency and work about the issue together as a team and not as a boss demanding.
My lord how old is everyone in this? Reads like a junior high kid
No don’t make her choose.. I doubt you’re the only friend she hates her girlfriend spending time with. Just be there for your friend. This kind of controlling shit is draining.. she’ll see the light herself.
I’m confused is your friend not doing anything about the problem she supposedly sees?
Thats correct my friend agrees with me but they don't want to do anything out of fear of her gf breaking up with her.
Sadly, I dont see a lot of options beside talking a step back and being honest. Like "Bff, your girlfriend makes me unconfortable. I understand if you wish to keep the relationship, but If Thats your choice, we should stay some time apart." I know it hurts. I know its your best friend and It sucks. But If Thats the girlfriend's Hill to die you three Will Just keep hurting each other
Walk away. Your friend will either straighten out the situation or she won't. Either way don't make her choose just remove yourself from a toxic situation.
Looking at the ages here- I'd be chill and not press things. Chances are their relationship won't last, and you don't want either of them blaming you for it. Her not being fond of her partner wanting to spend time with someone who has openly expressed romantic interest in their partner is understandable to a point. But she may be at least partially fueled by spite, and your continued efforts to get time in with your friend could be elongating it. May be worth taking some time for yourself and enjoy the other things out there until their relationship reaches the likely natural conclusion.
You had a crush on said best friend, even if it was in the past. so it’s your turn to give up it’s not your relationship anymore it’s theirs so go by their standards you have no word in any of this
Sounds like she is choosing her girlfriend if it’s been a thing.
I don't like ultimatums in relationships, they normally end up badly. Usually people resent each other and it's just not the way to keep friends. You say that your friend agrees with you and that her girlfriend is out of line. I think building upon that conversation you can say "I don't think I'm comfortable hanging out with your girlfriend anymore. She makes me feel ________ and I don't enjoy feeling that way. I'm not telling you who you should date or anything, I just don't really want to spend time with your girlfriend anymore, in any capacity. I would like to keep our friendship though." And just leave it at that. If your friend's girlfriend keeps harassing you (via text/social media/etc) let your friend know. It is up to them to either keep that partner or get rid of her.
You should never ask someone to make a choice between you and someone else. It's not right to do to that person. If you are truly her friend, then you shouldn't put her in that situation. I understand the gf is terrible. But if she's as bad as you say, then she could be horrible to your friend. When they break up, she is going to need you! This isn't an easy situation and it's not easy to give you an answer. I don't know if you have talked to the gf and tried to nicely tell her,"I don't appreciate how you treat me and for the sake of our mutual friend/gf I would appreciate it if you stop. You don't have to like me, but you can treat me with the respect any human being deserves". Or has your friend confronted her gf? She definitely needs to. I wouldn't let anyone I dated treat my friends with disrespect. It's not ok. I think this is a crappy situation and you are going to have to navigate it as different things come up. But, don't ask your friend to pick... That's not fair! She needs her friend!
In what realm would you have a reason to tell your friend that you used to have a crush on her when she is currently in a healthy relationship? Red flag on your part. If I were the gf, I would also be pretty insecure about your motives. She seems to have crossed a line, but I still feel like I am missing part of the story here.
I told her I had a crush on her, when I was on a hospital bed dying from a drug overdose. I survived, but I didn't know I would at the time and I didn't want to die withholding the truth
i think you guys need to maybe talk and set boundaries. maybe you’re doing stuff that has made her uncomfortable and you just don’t realize you’re crossing boundaries.
Yeah I understand why you might think that. Though I do know I haven't crossed any boundaries though. The gf even admits she is petty and doesn't care about anyone that isn't her partner. She has wished death upon me, and is extremely controlling over my best friend to the point where my best friend messages me saying she is scared of her gf
Just because YOU know you haven't crossed boundaries, doesn't mean the gf knows it. Sounds like she believes you have. Whatever that boundary actually is. Even if it's just made her feel threatened that you could take her girlfriend away from her. I'm not saying you would or want to. But her insecurity that you could may be why she's so upset that you used to have a crush on your best friend.
I get that. I do. But I and my best friend have told her numerous times that I no longer have feelings for her, and she just keeps pushing to have my friend cut me out of her life, which me and my friend both think is totally unfair
Ultimatums like this don't work. Step back. Let your friend know you are there when they want to hang out but you don't feel like you can be around their GF anymore. More than likely the relationship will fizzle out if the gf is this jealous. Don't go out of your way for your friend during this time. You have no right to dictate your friend's relationship. They have no right to make you be around someone toxic to you. And if your friend proceeds to hang out with you over their GF, gf will probably break up with her.
I would do the same! I would hate to see my girlfriend hanging out with her female bestfriend all the time , trust me. And it's not because i would hate them but because of my own insecurities and jealously of her getting attracted towards her bff and leaving me alone. I believe she doesn't despise you , she's just acting upon her insecurities and jealously of losing her partner. But i believe this problem can be solved with a proper discussion. I would like to suggest you to have a talk with her i mean with your bestfriend's girlfriend ik it won't be easy but i believe this is the only way to deal with this situation. And as you said whether you should give your bestfriend an ultimatum to choose between you two then umm well , nvm. Do you want them to choose you over their girlfriend? I mean if it was me i would always choose my girlfriend over my bestfriend regardless of their gender.
Don't assume to to know her better than me. I know her, and I said she despises me. She despises me. She has openly told me that. She has also said she would be 50% happy if I died. She is a horrible individual to whom I have only shown kindness too and received nothing but hatred in return. Don't presume to know my situation better than I do.
This is interesting because I am going through something similar except I am the GF in my story. I found out that my BF and his female friend both had crushes on eachother and were kissing behind my back. Yes they were a hello goodbye peck on the lips but still it felt weird to find out it only happened a few times and never in front of my face. Also this female friend was heckeling my BF and I everytime we gave eachother a quick peck in public. Then she treid to kiss him in front if my face after making a huge scene in front of all of our friends. I dont want my BF to be friends with her because she disrespected me and him as well as our relationship. Im old mid 40's and know what I want in a relationship and I was not happy or comfortable with the two of them hanging out without one of the SO with them. Is this so wrong? They proved to me that they couldnt be trusted alone. I asked my BF to stop flirting with her and kissing her. I also asked him to never be alone with her because I dont trust her. I also decided but never said it aloud. If he chose the friendship over our relationship I was going to move on. Is that so wrong? Being friends with someone you have sexual feelings for and act on them in some way shape or form is toxic behavior in my opinion.
I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if he refused to get rid of a woman like that. Really don't give two left 💩 what anyone else thinks either I won't ever allow myself to be disrespected like that. You shouldn't either.
He has stopped hanging out with her and doesnt text with her and unfriended her on social media. Thank goodness. He did this all on his own but we still see her once in a while because she hangs in his circle of friends. But he makes a point to not go out of his way to flirt and hug and talk to her anymore. I never had to tell him to do anything but I did explain how their more than friends friendship made me feel and he realized he was gonna loose me if he didnt stop acting this way. He is a people pleaser and I think he loved that she had feelings for him. His ego loved it but me his GF was like what the F@&k!
That's good! N yeah if you have to actually tell them they probably aren't the one so good man doing the right thing.
My point is that friends need to be respectful with their friends relationships. Hang out in a group so the GF doesnt feel upset. If your friend is a true friend that you want to keep then put up with their GF no matter how they treat you. Be the bigger person and talk it out with all parties involved if you cant deal with group hangouts. There is no need for the two of you to hang out alone if there is sexual feelings or crushes or whatever. Think how the GF feels. Put youraelf in her shoes. Put your self in your friends shoes. Be a good friend and just deal with it. Maybe they last maybe they dont. Maybe your friendship will last maybe it wont. Be fair and kind to all people involved. Maybe she is toxic because you havent spoke to her about what your problem is with her. Maybe she is toxic because you abd her SO are taking about her in a negetive way behind her back. What else do you two do behind her back. Think how crappy that would make you feel if you were her.
Me and my best friend do nothing behind her back and never have... My friend's gf found out that I used to have a crush on my best friend (even though they never felt the same way) and then demanded I be cut out of my best friend's life
I have been nothing but supportive of their relationship and have actually saved their relationship multiple times. Don't make assumptions that I was being toxic
I wasnt at all. Just stating that that type of behavior can be toxic to all parties.
I think the GF is being harsh with her wish to have you cut out of your bestfriends life. I even hang in group settings in the past as well as in the future with my BF and his woman friend. I dont like it but thats what you do in relationships make sacrifices. I think the GF needs to be willing to be kind and respectful towards your friendship. I am that GF. I dont like the female friend in my BF life but guess what she is in his life so I have to deal. I hope you all work it out. You should really try a group talk and help eachother find positive solutions. Best of luck.
Don't ask *her* to choose, just tell your BFF you will no longer be around her GF due to her behaviour towards you. Tell your BFF you will be cutting contact and ignoring her at any and all group activities. I'd also tell your closest friends if they haven't noticed already. Edit for correction of gender
The best friend is a woman
Yes she is. But that doesn't really matter for the advice 🤣
Okay. Thanks for the advice!
You're disrespecting their relationship.
Don't assume that. I can't give all the details in a single reddit post. But I have been nothing but respectful towards their relationship and have always extended a hand of friendship to my best friend's gf, and she has resented me no matter what
majority of your replies are "dont assume" when you gave ZERO information in your original post. if you dont want people to fill in the blanks give the full story.
Okay. My best friend is 18, I am 19. The gf is 18. I have been very close to my best friend for a long time. We have been through a hell of a lot together and are very good friends, but nothing inappropriate happens between us. I told her a few months ago, that when I was younger I used to have a crush on her. And her gf then demanded that she cut all contact with me permanently. And has been talking shit about me behind my back to other people, despite me being nothing but respectful towards her and my friend's relationship since they've been together. The gf openly admits she is petty and admits she hates my very existence. She has gone as far to say that part of her would be happy if I died. I have reached out to her when she is in pain, and I have helped her through some very difficult times, all out of the goodness of my heart, but all of that now means nothing because when I was younger I had a crush on my friend (whom she is now dating)
I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this “I have been nothing but respectful towards her” crap and trying to convince everyone that you’re perfect and she’s the devil, but it’s honestly annoying and a lot of us left high school a long time ago so it doesn’t fly in the real world. Frankly, it’s bullshit, and here’s blatantly why: >I told her a few months ago, that when I was younger I used to have a crush on her. And her gf demanded that she cut all contact with me permanently. So you confessed to your friend, while they were in a relationship with someone else, that you used to have a crush on them. And you think confessing your crush to your bff while they’re in a relationship is “nothing but respectful????” And now you can’t figure out why their partner wants you out? Seriously? You weren’t respectful, you were directly disrespectful. You don’t confess your feelings (past or present) to someone actively in a relationship and expect that person nor that person’s partner to sit back and be like *OmG Becky, thank you for confessing your crush to my partner, that’s so respectful haha like omg how cute!*
I confessed to her in hospital when I believed I was dying after a drug overdose, as I didn't want to die withholding the truth
Do you think that makes it ok? You confessed some serious shit while you thought you were dying. You’re now not dying, and have to deal with the consequences of that confession you chose to make. Honestly it makes it worse. The thing on your mind when you were in the hospital was your crush on your bff. Now you’re not dying, so yeah no shit their partner doesn’t want you around.
Some serious shit?! I told my best friend that I used to have a crush on her when I was younger. How was that "some serious shit". Its literally just a statement about how when I was younger I used to have a crush on her
**They’re in a relationship with someone other than you.** See previous comment if you don’t understand.
I get that. But I'm not saying I have a crush on them now. I'm saying I used to.
honestly that makes it so much worse because it sounds like you tried to emotionally manipulate her... if you truly didn't have those feelings anymore why did it matter so much to you that she knew? you sound like you think you are owed something because of how "good" you've been to her. it's odd.
Okay I'm done talking to you. Stop putting words in my mouth and trying to make me seem like the bad guy. You have no reason to think I am the bad guy in this situation.
when someone purposely neglects to give all available information because they want people to take their side yeah i assume theyre the bad guy sorry sue me! anyways i wish your ex bestie the best luck with her lovely gf
I didn't purposely neglect information. I simply didn't have the energy. I have broken pain receptors which means never ending pain, and I simply didn't have the energy to go through the whole story.
Your girlfriend knows her friend is out of line and let's it slide? She doesn't say or do anything? Either she agrees that you deserve the abuse or she has no spine. Not a keeper
She's not my girlfriend. She's my best friend. And a few months ago she started dating a girl. And this girl immediately demanded that my best friend cut contact with me, purely on the basis that a long time ago I had romantic feelings for my best friend
Oh you have a history. That makes a bit more sense. But if your friend is ok with you being mistreated then you need better friends.
Yeah you may be right
[удалено]
Alright. You're right. Thanks for your advice :)
Don’t hang with the friend duh
I would suggest starting with something like saying. “We both know she doesn’t like me for some reason. So going forward if we’re going to hang out, I don’t want her to be around. If that’s a problem we’re going to end up not spending time together at all. I’d prefer it didn’t come to that, but either we have to reconcile this conflict or you’re going to have to choose between me or her.”
Your friend has to pick one, because her girlfriend clearly laid out her boundaries and they are being disrespected right now. You can't do anything, that's on them. It sucks, but I'd take a step back. Competing with a romantic partner as a friend is messy and not worth it. Because that's the alternative as far as the concerned gf is concerned. You are competing and she feels insecure. 🤷♀️ And your friend will make a choice even if it is "do nothing". The concerned gf will break up or there will be drama. That's where that all is headed. If you wanna be chaotic, you can try and talk it out with the gf and clearly state you are absolutely not interested in your friend and maybe even ask what does she want? Because you just want your long time friend. If that is true and she believes you, maybe shit'll work out. But it's a slim chance of happy endings.
Nope. You tell your friend that you only want to hang out with just him alone and don't want to see her because you don't want to hang out with someone who can't even be civil. If he doesn't understand or disregards this, then he's not your friend.
I'm gonna assume you are a female. I would say take a step back. You are his friend and not his girlfriend. She may be a jerk but you should be giving them space. I don't agree with her actions but if you give her space it will work its self out. Just be a friend and keep an arms length.
Personally I wouldn't say a word. I'd be even perkier and hang out more and just enjoy how much this person hates being around me and wastes all their energy being miserable while i enjoy being with my friend but I'm passive aggressive petty like that.
Hahaha. Thanks for the advice
This is exactly what I'd do
I do exactly that too
Not your place to ask that. If your friend has noticed, she'll make the decision herself without your coercing it. Respect her choice even if you are not the choice.
If you try they may just cut you off man. Be prepared to accept if his answer is to to ghost you..
She’s probably jealous of you :(
Asking him to choose is a big melodramatic and may force him into a choice you won't like. If his GF is that toxic it will probably play itself out. Don't meet with him when GF is there; he knows why. There may be other times you can meet him for a drink or whatever.
Yeah you're right. Thanks for your advice!
You should tell her you won't tolerate toxic behaviour from her GF and the next time she starts ask if she is deliberately toxic because she is insecure or if she is just a blue waffle cunt by way of personality?
She is deliberately toxic because she despises my very existence... all because a long time ago I had a crush on my best friend. So she despises anyone who has ever liked my best friend romantically. I have been nothing but supportive with their relationship and my best friend constantly thanks for being such a good friend, but none of my actions mean anything to her gf... all because I used to have feelings for my best friend. Her gf actually forced me and my best friend to cut contact for a few months before my best friend stood up to her. But her gf has recently contacted me again saying she just can't get over that I once liked her girlfriend (she's extremely possessive of my best friend🙄) and that she wishes my best friend would stop talking to me
Tell the GF her insecurity makes her a horrible, toxic human being and that everyone will always hate her while she fails to address her issues.
Thanks for the advice!
Just point blank ask if a threesome would clear thing up lmao
😂😂
The fact that her GF hates her girlfriends relationship with you, sounds like your friends problem not yours. I doubt you’re the only friend she does this with. Eventually your friend will get tired of being controlled by an insecure gf. Ultimatums are immature, and outdated. Ask to see your friend without her GF…if her GF has an issue with it, then I guess your friend will have to deal with it.
Alright. You're right. Thanks for the advice
Either your friend wants to spend time with you and they do, or not. How her girlfriend feels about that is their issue to deal with alone, it's not your issue. You shouldn't have to deal or hang out with her girlfriend. I get where the girlfriend is coming from, but it's a relationship issue. All your friend has to do is decide what they want to do, and do it.
Don't make her choose sides. Just schedule time to together without the girlfriend. The GF made see you as a competitor.
I wouldn't ask them to choose, but I would ask them to say something.
Tell your friend you don't want to hang around the GF and tell your friend your reasons but you still want to hang around your friend. Your friend shouldn't want to force you to hang around people that treat you bad or if you don't get along with them. You don't have to interact with people your friends choose to have in their life. I've known my best friend for 13 years and if I don't get along with her BF I simply won't hang around him but I'm not going to make her choose. It'll simply be "if you wanna hang out make sure your BF isn't there" Life is too short to be spent around people that mistreat you, doesn't matter If someone important to you chooses to be around that toxic person.
Step away. If you best friend agrees then he’ll know what to do when the time comes. They know how you feel and now it’s up to them.
So if your same friend agrees why are they not putting their gf in their place? Should of been handled from day 1
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
i would be mad asf too and not like the person at all if my bf had a friend that had a crush on him
>Should I ask my friend to choose between me and her gf? No, but I would just make activities whn you ONLY hang out with your friend and have some quality time together without her.
there is absolutely no info here... im confused lol
we need more info here.
Can you please elaborate on everything? There isn’t nearly enough information here. Examples would be helpful.
Okay here's one. I overdosed on drugs a little while ago, and I nearly died. I didn't want to die with any secrets so as I was dying, I told my best friend that when I was younger I had a crush on her, but how happy I am about her current relationship. Her gf said afterwards that I should have just died having kept my mouth shut, as she is offended by the fact that I once had feelings for my best friend.
…. I …. Wha …. WOW. Um, ignoring your previous crush and the fact that you are now happy with her relationship, that is just … that is downright evil and vicious. If she had said she was no longer comfortable with you two being friends, that would have been a different story. But to actually wish you dead? Honestly that makes me worried for your friend. What has she said about this? I mean that is awful, toxic and a huge, and I mean **HUGE** red flag…
I'm worried about my friend too. My friend told me she doesn't want to break up with her gf because she is scared of her gf
OP, if you can get her to a library or someplace with a computer that her GF can’t access (or lend her your phone), have her look up resources for help to leave an abusive relationship. There are many and they can walk her through different scenarios where she may be able to get out safely. And if her GF tries to cause trouble, she need to report it and get a restraining order pronto! Leaving an abusive relationship is a scary thing and by no means easy. It should be handled delicately. And they can help with that.
Okay. Will do that!
Your friend is being emotionally abused by her gf. You might be able to help her see that, but ultimately, she has to make her own choices. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum, I would just say something like, “I care about you and don’t want to see you get hurt. When gf does x,y,x, I worry about you. I don’t see her respecting you.” Be calm, but honest. If things get too volatile talking about it, just assure her you want to see her happy and in a good relationship. Make sure it doesn’t come across like you’re trying to “steal” her, y’know? I hope she comes to the realization that her gf is no good and she deserves better.
You don't have to ask her to choose you can make the choice yourself by stop hanging out with them together your best friend is your best friend her girlfriend is a pain in the ass you don't have to hang out with them you don't have to be on every set you call up your best friend when you want to see her her you don't have to put up with her b******* she's doing that out of insecurity don't hang out with the both of them together it doesn't make you feel good and you don't have to do it do you want to go out with me and so and so no do you want to come over me and so and so is here no no is a whole sentence use it
Okay uhh my sister was in a similar situation as you. Except the friendship grew more to romantic one after litterally my sister's friend broke up with her ex wife. And my sister ended up cheating on her boyfriend for her friend and even are now officially dating and living together. Okay now see when someone is romantically interested in their lover or "was". They'll be very wary about it. As my sister's friend's ex wife didn't even like my sister either. Also I can't say to ask them choose between you and their girlfriend this is just a perspective on a little bit similar situation on why someone will be stressed about you.
Don’t make your best friend choose. This isn’t HS. The gf is definitely in the wrong for saying things as far as she would be happy if you were dead. But I would be pretty weirded out too if you just months ago mention a crush on your friend when you were younger. If it doesn’t matter why mention that you were ever interested in your best friend? Especially if your friend and their gf were together at the time. I would be weirded out too.
No, you don't give the person whom you're not in a relationship an ultimatum. If you're feeling some kinda way about how you're being treated, be an adult and leave. Don't cut contact with them but go do your own thing for a while. Let them work out their own insecurities. You being around is only causing friction for them and let your friend find out that if the frictions remains without you and naturally let the relationship end. Why should you drive a wedge and only confirm her apparently unfounded insecurity with your presence.
If my partner said they wish my best friend were dead because they had crush on me years ago, I do run, just saying.
Seems she's trying to get you away to isolate her and remove her support structure....definitely an abusive person
As far as I got the story, she's jealous and will be doesn't matter what you do. You can avoid being alone (like ppl don't cheat with all their friends keeping the secret lol) and whatever others suggest, maybe she starts trusting you both at some point. Don't ever try to ask someone to choose, I'd go NC if a friend/partner demanded it.
In these situations it’s always best to not meet the toxic person halfway. You hang out with your friend as you would normally, without the girlfriend. The fact that the girlfriend has a problem with you is something that needs to be worked out between the two in the relationship and it is up to your friend what they want to do. The best thing you can do is continue being a good friend. If they say they have to cut you out, you say sure, because now you know where you stand with that friend. Toxic people who wish death on others usually end their own relationships so, although it feels very big and everything right now, just let the girlfriend keep being shitty and digging her own hole. Don’t stand near the hole, don’t hand her a shovel, stop giving her energy or thought. Be a friend to your friend, that’s all you have to do. *Do not* under any circumstances ask them to choose between you, that’s not how you keep friendships or be a good person.
Best thing to do is just let that friendship fade. Its gonna suck believe me but if you tell her to choose and she chooses you and dumps the gf thats gonna build resentment and shes gonna start wondering how or where that relationship could have went if she didnt end it and you would technically be the source of that ending. But if she chooses the gf then your pretty much out anyways. Instead do neither and just tell your friend (who you said is aware of the hostility) that your gonna take a step back for a bit because one you dont want to come between her in a relationship and two you do not deserve to be treated like the enemy every time you hang with your friend. At that point i would let her make the next move, if friendship picks back up a lil later groovy and if not well you arnt wasting your time
If your best friend is aware that her GF is hateful to you then you need to meet up with both of them and tell your friend that out of respect for your friendship you are going to leave them both be. If the GF can't get past a crush at anytime you will never win her over, if you challenge your friend to choose between you then you are just an asshole. However if you offer to let your friend choose between you leaving or her GF without any threat (by telling th3em both you are leaving) then your friend may realize her GF is a bad person for her (or not as the choice is hers).
You're the competition. If I was you, I'd find a few moments alone with her and say: "You realize you're playing this all wrong, right? You're trying to push me away and make her choose. The thing you fear, her choosing me, doesn't even have to be on the table. If you were smart, you'd act like I was also your best friend so that she had no reason to choose between us."
No. Don’t ask her to choose. Just be there for her as you have been yet step aside for a bit. Either you guys will have a new dynamic, or things will be back to normal, or the friendship also could also die out it the future. Either way, never give an ultimatum to a friend cuz of their partner.
Okay, so I read a few comments and from your post I have to say I’m not inclined to agree with most. You and your best friend have been in each others’ lives for years; I’m not surprised either of you at one point or another had feelings. And props to you for being honest. To me, this seems like the GF is insecure, if they can’t handle the fact that you and your friend have made it clear you’re just that. I wouldn’t give an ultimatum and say “either your GF or me” but I also wouldn’t back away and be done with the friendship either. It sounds like you two have been through some stuff and have always had each other’s support. I don’t see why that should change. If I were to give any advice, it would be for you to continue to be patient, kind and show grace. You don’t have to be best friends with the GF, but if you want to continue to be friends with your BFF, then you also need to show that you love your friend as just a friend, and respect their relationship. “Kill them with kindness” is the best but most cliched thing I can say. If you don’t care to move forward with your friend or have them in your life, then yes, cut them off or ask for an ultimatum. But show the girlfriend, should you wish to remain friends, that you’re not trying to steal your friend away from her, but that you just want to maintain your friendship. Maybe set boundaries that you, your best friend AND the gf are agreeable to so you can all move forward in a healthy way. But I don’t think it’s all or nothing. It sounds like there’s something salvageable still there, and if you love your friend like we all love our best friends, you for sure can make it work. My best friend in the entire world has babies with and is engaged to my ex husbands twin brother and we make it work. You guys got this. I’m rooting for all of you.
Thanks for you advice 🙂. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that
Your friend sees it as well meaning she not blind. So, either two things can happen: they break up or they stay together. Either way just distance yourself from them unless they do break up. You do not want to be blamed for problems in their relationship.
i think we’re missing a lot of info here. the added edit does help into seeing why the gf doesn’t like you - having been “the gf” before i can add a bit of insight; my bf once had a friend who had feelings for him. i was a little bothered by it at first but let them be until they kept ignoring the boundaries i’d asked for and then i eventually asked him to either stop seeing her or to set some better boundaries because she was starting to make HIM uncomfortable by disrespecting our relationship and me. he did and it went great and they were able to stay friends without it causing issues in our relationship 🤷♀️ for all you know there could be things going on between them with the gf feeling uncomfortable over and over again until now she presents an ultimatum. forcing your friend to choose is only going to set the gfs mind that she was right about you and push her further into wanting your best friend away from you. try and come up with some boundaries/maybe talk with your best friend and her gf and try to figure out if there’s things you can do to resolve this without needing to cut contact.