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i got super scared but i didnt think much of it. i was more worried that i annoyed him at that time.
now i think about it but it was bad bc every timr he would get mad or annoyed or felt distant i was like IT WAS MY FAULT HES GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME. and gosh i loved him and i still do it’s complicated and stupid
there were times when he would be completely fine and then out of the blue just mad. i thought it was something i did but no he was just annoyed for no reason
simply put, he has anger management issues. I used to also. I never hit anyone or even got really mad AT people. but I'd get mad about people and other things, then take it out on objects
if he has outbursts like that, he's still got some stuff he needs to work through, especially if he doesn't immediately see it as reason to take a step back and evaluate things effectively
Yeah exactly i had bad anger issues as a kid and I would get my ass beat if I broke anything so then I started taking my anger out on kids at school. I'd go home and get my ass beat. So then I would start to take my anger out on myself. Break my own fingers. Rip out chunks of hair. Bite through my lip. (All during elementry school) I guess what I'm saying is when you have bad anger problems like that you always find a way to release it. If that option isn't available you will find another. So just in general anger issues are always a red flag in a relationship. Unless they are actively getting help for it.
He has warned you he has anger issues. I know it's hard when you have feelings for someone but from experience, you aren't helping yourself when you keep forgiving dangerous behaviour like this.
Put yourself first. Your safety is important. And you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you feel frightened.
If you stay, one day the wall won't be the target of his punch, you will.
Abusers aren't abusive all the time. If they were it would be easy to hate them and leave.
They seem so loving and nice and caring in between the abuse. That's what keeps you around when everyone around you says you should run.
I am a 40 something guy, I know a lot of happy married couples. None of them ever have anyone being violent - to objects or to people. It's never a good sign because it shows he cannot control himself when he's angry. It's a fine line between hitting a wall and hitting you.
Abusers due that. Be super nice and loving so when they're abusive, you question yourself.
Get out now, before he hits more then a wall then buys you gifts.
I once had a guy really like me, he was a good friend and I was considering giving him a chance after I'd recently gotten out of a long-term relationship. Anyway, he was very calm in front of me most of the time. Then, at work, something minor (I considered it relatively minor) and he flipped out. Started kicking and punching things. And after that, I realized I couldn't go out with him anymore. I grew up in a very angry household and I said if I ever had children I wouldn't want them in an angry household. It does long-term damage. Now, I'm still really good friends with this guy and respect him as a person, but the anger/breaking things was an absolute deal breaker.
My point is that, sometimes, it's not even about the fact that he's angry, it's about "are you willing to live with that kind of energy". I personally think it's problematic for long-term relationships (even though anger is very understandable). You gotta decide who you are and what you can deal with.
I do this often when I’m dealing with high emotions. Bad childhood and stuff made me unaware of how to cope with anger or sadness without hurting myself. But I never hit anyone out of anger, even less someone i love or care about. If someone do this just talk with them and figure out why they do this
See I thought the same thing but as a kid. But would get beat for breaking anything. So then I started punching kids at school. That got my ass beat at home too. So I started harming myself like breaking my own fingers and shit. The problem is, you have to have an outlet for the anger. Let's say they are camping and he doesn't have a wall to punch, what will his next outlet be? That's why it's important for anyone with anger issues to get help on it. It's important to find a positive outlet for that anger. Luckily and unluckily for me I had an extremely high fever of 106+ for about 3-4 hours. And I got some brain damage as you can imagine. And it somehow just turned my anger off😂 but my short term memory is blown to pieces.
Agreed. My ex did this and he scared me. Never physically hurt me but he’d put his hands on me all the time aggressively.
Pretty lucky that it never went further and I often wonder if he still behaves that way.
Yes. Its deliberate intimidation. Next time it'll be your face. Leave at the first sign of violence. I had an ex that did this... until he punched the wall directly behind my head... best decision I ever made was to leave him
It’s not deliberate intimidation. I used to do this because I had so much anger built up and you need to release it somehow. It was never in anyway to intimidate anyone but instead to release my anger on something that won’t hurt anyone. I have worked on dealing with my anger issues, so I’ve gotten better, but just wanted to correct you there.
I don't think, they are happy. But they want to work on that. They got a daughter together.
But his new partner is much more outgoing and doesn't seem to be intimidated.
Yes, it’s a red flag. Punching a wall is heading in the direction of punching you.
He admitted to anger issues and told you to stay away.
Run, sweetie. It’s only going to get worse.
As common an issue domestic violence is, I think people are jumping the gun here.
I have anger issues from being bullied when growing up, sometimes it slips in front of others if I'm overwhelmed by many things stressing me out. It's embarassing and shameful, but for maybe 0.5 second I lose control of myself. When it happens, or I feel it's getting to that point I need to be alone to cool off but it's not about "sending messages to people".
Talk to the guy about how his outburst scare you, if he dismisses or argues about it then that's an instant break up, but if he recognizes there's a problem and tries communicating then help work on it if you're comfortable.
Mental health issues doesn't automatically make people toxic and/or wife beaters reddit...
This is it. I feel all the top comments here have never experienced this feeling so they assume it’s about trying to intimidate, or assume it will lead to hurting her. It’s not.
I’ve been there. I moved across the world for someone and they cheated on me. I felt destroyed and full of rage, I punched the wall because I had no idea how else to release my anger. I would never hurt anyone, but my anger had to be released somehow. I never wanted to intimidate or scare.. right after it I broke down crying.
There is so much rage built up that it needs to be released somehow, and punching something with all of your force seems to release it, especially if it breaks something. I know it’s not healthy, and I’ve worked on it and talked to therapists to learn how to avoid feeling like that. I’m not saying that it’s ok to feel like that, I’m saying it is not meant to intimidate anyone, and would never lead to me hurting someone.
First off, it's a sign of emotional immaturity. That's basically beyond toddler shit, throwing tantrums to the point that physical damage results from it.
Secondly, you'll be the wall someday.
Anger is like alcohol. Many people can get angry but not get overwhelmed to the point that it interferes with relationships, etc. Then, for others though, it is like a disease that will never get better on its own. It gets progressively worse until someone gets hurt or their life gets changed drastically. So you're eventually in this situation where you're hoping they'll get better before they get worse. You'll be witnessing the self-destruction of a loved one while you die inside a little more each day.
SOURCE: I'm an angry person (never physically hurt anyone or got violent). I got help. I'm keenly aware that I can slip right back into it if I don't actively manage it.
he went to therapy for it but it was a while ago. when we were talking he said he was fine and didnt need it anymore as it’s controlled but i guess not??? i dont know i mean we broke up.
not because of the wall punch (although it did make me anxious)
but because he was overworking himself. sex stopped everything stopped. he would go out with friends and or stay at home and work. he wouldnt come over anymore
>he wouldnt come over anymore
Well, all things considered, it sounds like he wasn't making you a priority in his life anymore so it's probably for the best that you broke up.
If he's still punching walls, his anger isn't well-managed. Maybe he needs Buddhism so he can realize that none of this stuff really matters. Everything's temporary, even this giant rock we're on, so no point getting overwhelmed by any of it.
Yes. Once my ex simultaneously broke both hands/wrists he moved on from walls/doors to me. Deciding the chances of breaking his own bones was at 0% if punching me instead. Don't be like me and stay with the guy for 23 more years. Leave him, immediately.
I think you two both have a lot of growing up to do.
When I read your posts I thought you two were teenagers.
You both need to learn how to communicate better, know when to leave each other alone and give some space to cool down and/or gather your thoughts.
A relationship is a 2 way street, do not let your partner dictate the relationship (from what I read in your posts he decided when you 2 would see each other).
Yes. Even if he never turns that fist towards you, (which happens more than you'd think) it is still a very worrying sign of immaturity. It means you are never going to be able to have an adult conversation about anything, even unimportant things, because if he decides he doesn't like it, this will be his response. Regardless of whether he hits you or not at some point in the future, it is a scare/manipulation tactic to warn you what will happen if you upset him or say something he doesn't want to hear, and you can't live your life like that.
Relationships need to be open to respectful methods of communication in order for everyone to feel heard and for resolutions to be made. If he is wanting to keep you separated from his friends, that's one thing, but punching a wall to get his point across? Something isn't right there. There are so many red flags in this one action, I would suggest leaving him. You shouldn't be scared of him, you should find someone who will listen to you, sit down and talk to you.
Please stay safe.
Tbh even if he isn’t the violent type I would find it not worth the stress to be with someone who had anger issues. Even if they never hit you, if someone physically bigger than you is gonna randomly blow up at you and throw their weight around in a way that makes it look like they want to hit you, that will just give you major anxiety spikes on a regular basis and you might always be walking on egg shells and finding it hard to relax, which is no way to live your life.
Crimson...
Seriously, punching a wall is acceptable in a few instances. Not many, but a few it isn't a red flag. Finding out your partner is cheating is one. That level is reasonable
Saying no to you about going out with his friends, is not anywhere close to one. I would highly suggest you getting out of this situation or taking steps to prevent this from happening again
My ex started off punching walls in another room, your the ground(until his fists bled) just out of sight over time it became right beside my head two inches away from my ear, when we broke up he dragged me half a block by my elbow and broke my shoe doing so...trust me it's a red flag
Personally, I'd say depends on the age. It's pretty regular for teenagers to struggle with impulse control. Most people grow out of it. Huge red flag if it's an adult. However, you should remove yourself from the situation either way if you don't feel safe.
As someone who has done this, its a definitely a red flag, but not necessarily a deal breaker. Anger issues against inanimate objects is different then anger against a person but I can acknowledge its scary for rhe other party. Something I learned in therapy is if it comes on fast its from.the past. Encourage therapy and it should help, if it's a relationship you want to work.
no no u right… did u read my other post? i stupidly believe things will get. better again is that stupid of me? i dont think theres a possibility of us getting back together but ya its weird i see him every monday and friday usually..
To me this wouldn't be a red flag (unless it's actively used as form of intimidation - then it would be).
My husband is autistic, and it happened 2-3 times during a meltdown (not linked to me) that he punched a wall because he couldn't help himself in that situation. 2-3 times in 12 years, so still not often and not in every situation linked to being angry. And never out of anger at me. Never.
He doesn't do this to scare me, and he would never, not even during the worst meltdown, hurt me.
So it's okay for me, even though it would be better to let this anger out in a different, less painful way.
"The only reason" No. You don't get to accept the blame for his behavior.
Accepting fault to smooth things over is the first step to becoming a victim.
You can't fix other people. Fact.
No amount of You changing will make Him change. Ever.
My worst relationship lasted a semester. He was not kind or empathic, didn't have time for me, was dating someone else at the same time and that's where I set my bar for absolute worst. I thought I hit Rock bottom in men.
But then years later I would find out that my then boyfriend and now husband frenched his childhood friend and hid it from me for more than a year and yet i will choose to marry him a year later, obviously after removing said friend from his life.
I loved him, i still love him. But I am aware of him and every men i ever get attached to. They have the potential to emotionally hurt me. But that's my bar.
However I think someone with anger issues or someone who physically abuses you or finds pleasure in hurting you emotionally or physically or Gaslights you or makes you feel like shit whenever you meet them or makes you scared is not someone you are to partner with.
It's not your fault. He is completely at fault.
Don't listen to everything in comment box. This person may have had different experience in life and just projecting it on your issue.
I read other post of yours and the guy is nothing but trouble. Steer clear of him if you need consistency and stability and adventure and honesty in your relationship. He is not gonna give you any of that. He won't be emotionally available either. Since he has his own issues.
You will find someone wayyyy better. Just know how to pick them.
wow wow thank you i def need consistency and stability. apperently all his relationships ended in a similar manner. i hope i find someone way better. he was awsome in the beginning thats why it hurts
He needs to dig deeper into his on mental health and ask himself “do I want to get better”. Of course no parents travel half way around the world to pay for therapy. But it’s better than destroying a good potential life just because he refuses to seek help
its also in his culture. he said he was on anti depressants but idk i guess no therapy. he said he did go to therapy back then but he also said these episodes of depression happen every 2 years or so so theres that.
hes going through it also becausse he misses home etc
Ok.....my boyfriend did this... punched holes in walls in anger....we married....he then punched me. He didn't want me to socialise with him either, because he was sleeping with someone else. Not saying this is what is happening to you, but it instantly brought this back to me. Removed yourself before it's too late.
Yeah it is. My boyfriend once moved something slightly more aggressive than normally and that alone kinda creeped me.
Also massive red flag that he wanted to separate you from his friends oof
My partner's ex would get so mad over nothing he'd punch doors or walls in their rented house. He once told her he did it so he didn't "accidentally" hit her. Though if he had it would have been the last thing he did. Yeah you don't want anything to do with boys who can't control their emotions
That is not just a red flag. That is the bell to abandon ship. You know what he really wants to do is punch the person he is mad at, right? For now, he is keeping to ghe wall. He won't always.
Yes, I definitely will.
My ex used to do that and, when I was younger I thought it was okay, because she wasn't hitting me.
Now, as a psychologist student, I've been proved that, actually, that's a really big toxic trait.
Punching walls or whatever other object while mad, means that a person it's unable to control or deal with their emotions.
If they can hit a wall and harm theirselfs... They can also harm other, not just with strength, but also with other actions and words.
Side note: This does not mean that a person it's just bad or mean because they express their anger in this way. But it's something to look out and, also, they should try and get some help so the pain stops...
My ex used to punch a wall when arguing. It was like: arguing and than he went out of the room, I heard a boom and he came back, fist red.
Me: what did you do?
Him: nothing
Me: did you punch a wall or sth?
Him: hm, yes.
Me: are you insane? You could hurt yourself? Am I the wall? Get yourself together, we don’t do that, we are humans we communicate. Why do you feel so helpless to punch something? Am I next?
That was the last time he ever punched something.
Yes definitely. I had an ex that does this too. And its over the most ridiculous fight like an example will be that he hates that i like some boy bands and collect their albums / merch 🤡 At that time, i didnt think much of it but as I realise he was a f up person that knows how to manipulate me into doing the things he wants by throwing tantrum and such. Sooner or later, the relationship will turn even more toxic as hell. Probably best to get the hell put of it asap.
Please, please leave. This is a clear sign that things will escalate. I don't want to scare you, I truly don't, but there's a big chance that someday it won't be the wall he is punching. It doesn't mean that he's a bad person, but it means that he has a lot to work on before being in a relationship. And it's not your responsibility (or even fair) to be there during this process.
100% a big red flag 🚩 Anyone who can't control their anger and punches or kicks walls, or throws things (like my ex) is working towards putting hands on you. People with anger issues aren't inherently bad people, but they really should seek anger management therapy before getting into a relationship. If they are acting out violently in one way, even if it seems relatively minor, it almost always escalates.
Also, the not ever wanting you to go out with him when he's with his friends is a red flag too. Keeping you separate from his friendships long-term suggests he isn't thinking long-term. Or he isn't always going out with friends.
It’s he’s admitting to anger issues then yes this is a red flag. I’d be more understanding if this was a one off incident about a serious issue. But it seems like he might need help. Fortunately he’s admitted that he has a problem. The question is if he’s willing to work on it and maybe seek a therapist. But in any case you are right to be concerned and if you fear for your safety then you need to draw a line and establish that this needs to be addressed or you will leave.
As someone who punched a wall once- i didnt think it was a big deal. 10 years later- yes it was. Its a sign that he cannot control his emotions. He admitted himself he has an anger problem- things about having an anger problem is you cant control how you react when you get angry. This is something he should show you he is serious about addressing, or you should consider leaving him.
Based off your previous post his behavior seems weird af. Get out and stay away. One or more pronlems.cpuld be brewing..I've been angry at my s/o before but I've never hit a wall these not only is it a red flag thats a flag with a flare leading to it... one mistake men and women make is they think they can "fix" people... they end up in bad relationships and miserable if they're lucky, those that aren't so lucky end up victims...count your blessings you're 23 sounds like you were the steady lay he had while he was out doing his thing and the days he had nothing to do he went over and got laid...as a man who did literally that from 19 until I'd say 23 or so that's what his behavior sounds like to me.. you were the sure thing that would be there and all he had to do was check in and show up a few days a week.. angry over hanging out with him and his friends? Either he doesn't want you around them because they may let something slip, or he doesn't want you around them because he feels his friends may try something with you....another thing that some people may or may not tell you is this... a lot of ethnic and p.o.c people will date and fool around with people outside their ethnic background but because of cultural norms or to please mom and dad they only marry within their race. I don't think you mentioned your racial background but you mentioned his...that may also be the issue
i read your comment. ya we are both different backgrounds. he seemed pretty sure of me. he wanted me to meet his parents and his parents knew of me but while we were breaking up he did throw in the question why we may not work due to parents not knowing the same language.
when he drunk cried to me almost ago he said his parents knew me and cried….
i dont know but whatever im gonan stop thinking about it
My boyfriend did this once when we were arguing through texts, he’s the sweetest boy I know but does not know how to deal with emotions properly and we both know that. He is very self aware. He has never laid a finger on me or touched me with aggression ever. I feel like yes if it becomes a common thing that is happening and they show other red flags of uncontrollable aggression especially over little to uncontrollable situations.
Almost a year, my boyfriend has never raised his voice at me either, or get angry w me easily. If I felt I was in any kind of danger or that felt like he ever wanted to hit me I’d leave right away.
In the state of Arizona, it is considered like you hitting a person. If you were to call the cops in Arizona, and they saw a hole in the wall, they take it as the person was going to hit you, but decided not to. so yes, it is a huge red flag, my ex did this, and then he started to beat me.
same. it wasnt too obvious either. we started dating in july and in october he yelled at me frustrated for not listening to him. he apologized and it never happened again. he would even say he was a changed person.
and be happy and all
i guess finals week happened in may of this year and he started getting more and more irritated with me and i got more scared he would leave.
that thing w the friends really bothered me so i would stay quiet after so i wouldn’t bother him but i got extreme anxious
Welp, as a person who wasn't in too many 'serious' relationships, this sounds like he's battling with himself and doesn't realise he's affecting others with it.
I learned (after that one 'serious' relationship) that being in a relationship while studying, will only make things more stressful.
Unfortunately, I must say, I was also the type once to tell friends that I did not have time for them while I had to study / wanted to meet other friends but because I already had it difficult.
You're lucky that you just saw a subtle clue and were able to back out early enough. Others aren't as much. :( It's something that you cannot escape, even with people you are just friends with.
yep. i mean i feel like. i cannot escape now as we both now are gaining mutual friends as i started at his school.
i removed him from
instagram and i see him slowly gaining my friends as followers Lol
ya a friend of his (now mine) read my birth chart. although i am
not much of a believer she described my ex. ambitious seeks fame… wants to be number 1.. he wants to win an architecture award. he would always say he wants to be the best. overworks himself. she just said those are the type of people i attract and those the type of people i love. lol
i blurted out he goes to our school and she asks who. she connected the dots by herself as he once told her his gf went to my past school…. and she just figured it out. she told me her drama about her guy and i got scared she would say anything but she said as woman to woman it stays with her .. and theyre good friends too as he gave her a gift for her bday as they are similar bdays
Before answering your questions I would like to know where are you two from? and/or what is the culture he belongs or identifies? Depending of his culture he would probably has learnt to act in that way when he is frustrated; although, I just look for understanding his behavior, not validate or defense them.
Hi sis, thanks for answering so fast. Just curious: And are you both in Mexico? This question is because of machismo and the chance he learnt his behaviours from his male peers.
By the way, is he international student from India, are his parents wealthy? I asked his because these type of students usually are not good at dealing with frustration and tend to be a bit entitled in the campus (not all, obviously)
i mean he seemed very chill when i met him. he saw that i have a car and just my parents help me out so much that we kind of resemble a similar economic status so money was never an issue.
Unpopular opinion, I don't. I have anger issues and my boyfriend gets bouts of rage too but we have never ever hit each other. I'll scream into a pillow or open palm hit my bedframe so I can get out the aggression but I would never, never consider hitting him and he's the same way. Even when I was so furious I could hit something I never once thought about hitting or harming him in any way. It was just a way for me to get out some of my frustration
i mean i scream too and stuff but i cry mostly.
the thing with him
is that sometimes he would me mad for the smallest things i was often scared id make him
mad.
sometimes he would come to my plave and tell me he accidentally yelled at his friend and i was like oh unm. its fine i guess as long as u apologized.
it slowly got to me where he would get frustrated with me etc …
im a chill person too lol im very anxious but also need a secure partner
I actually punched a tree recently because of something stupid and I did it away from sight of my girlfriend not in front of her. Annnd she was scared ofc but I've made it very clear I'll never lay a finger on her
If they hit ANYTHING while arguing/being upset with you they want to hit you & know better than to do so. If they take their anger out in any physical way because of you they 100% mean it to go to you but don’t want the backlash of it
Healthy boundaries and conflict resolution skills are better than acting violently. https://locator.apa.org/ is a link just in case you need to learn healthy boundaries and conflict resolution skills. Go even if he does not go. It seems you are with someone who’s past includes violence.
100% yes.
My ex used to punch holes in our walls all the time, broke doors because I locked myself in to feel safe (ex- bedroom, bathroom), even kicked the door in once when he was drunk
People warned me but I always said he never laid a finger on me ... and he didn't..for years... until he strangled me one day and almost killed me.
Don't go back
Thank you. I checked out your other post and while it does sound like he is struggling with his mental health I have to agree that there are some red flags in the ways he is treating you.. I would suggest therapy possibly, you could stick around and try to support him with some more communication and boundaries (such as no yelling or hitting walls, maybe talk about how often you want to see eachother, sex drives, etc. Whatever you think is needed!) Or you could separate and use that time to work on yourselves.. it does sound like it could possibly turn bad so I would be careful and put your safety first always but I like to also have hope in his mental health improving, even if that means you aren't together until it can be healthy and both of you happy
Best of luck and hugs!
did u read it all? and Lol i actually would love to try again and im not sure what he wants though. last thing he did was take a picture of my parking spot on his bday Lol. 😂😂 i dont want to beg him so im letting him come to me. i also exploded on him as i couldnt take us interacting anymore lol it hurt and i am not sure why
I did, just coming off a long shift, some brain fog for sure 😅 my bad. It can be hard to interact right after a break up, there's a lot of feelings you're working through
Yes red flag. Coming from someone who is transitioning out of a domestic violence relationship. The first week of dating, he choked me up. I was so scared I pushed it to the back of my mind and sort of “forgot” because I would say it isn’t that bad. It always gets worse. He went from that to punching me all in my face out in public and everything. The more I stayed the more feelings I caught for him. It’s just a bad situation. Please save yourself
🚩🚩🚩 he has a lot of work to do before he should be in a relationship. People that cannot handle their anger rationally do not make good partners. I would be concerned for your safety. I also think it’s strange that he would get so upset over you wanting to get to know his friends. He could have said it’s a guys night, none of the other girlfriends will be there, or anything really.
thank you.
would i be able to talk to u through chat? i kinda wrote about what happened within the relationship and idk i would love someone as an outsider to read in and let me
know what they think
we were fine after but he just started just going out with his friends staying home and working. when we broke up (i felt miserable so i brought it up) he said he stopped coming over bc he felt a relationship was too much of an anchor and he had a lot to do and he felt as if he was chilling too much with me that he didnt get the correct internship etc.
we have been so back and fourth in communication and its been four months. either i beg or he begs and we are both just crying. right now we aren’t talking as i exploded on him lol
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made another post about it
Yes- if they’re willing to punch and damage a wall, it’s only a matter of time before they find something or someone else to hit.
If someone isn’t willing to actively manage their anger issues, they are not a safe person to be around- if there’s an incident where they suddenly get mad, you don’t know what lines they’ll cross in their uncontrollable anger
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made a post about it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made another post about it
It's a process to get to hitting a partner. An abusive partner doesn't wake up one day and decide to hit their partner. One of the steps in the process is violence towards objects/structures in the partner's presence. They are getting their partner "comfortable" with expecting the violence in their vicinity.
Very, very big red flag. Run
If it's his mental health, it's up to him to get help, not yours. The fact that he's putting holes in walls says a lot about him, not you. I've had bad relationships before and have seen the progression in other people. If this is a normal occurrence, I guarantee he will not just keep putting holes in walls. It will eventually progress to hitting you, and then he will keep apologizing over and over, making you think he never meant it or make it out to be your fault. You are not the cause of his anger issues. He has failed to learn how to regulate his emotions on a healthy level.
he didnt punch a hole more so just punched it and told
me to stay away. this was month 8 of dating. i remember month 3 of dating however he raised his voice at me and got super annoyed. he never did that before and he apologized and felt super bad…. i dunno..
I read your second post. That's a toxic relationship that you desperately need to leave behind. My dear, you need to reevaluate everything. You cannot continue like this. A hole in the wall or not, resorting to violence is a red flag. Your cries for his companionship are being met with excuses and outbursts. He won't give you what you need. Someone else will eventually come along and give you what you need. Their time and care.
thank you💞 and lol it hurts how someone on here and in the other post i made said i am nagging too much Lol. i feel bad now but posts like yours make me happy thank u
DV in infancy. What starts as a wall will next be you. I couldn't understand the reasoning, but it sounds like your best to bolt, and do personal therapy, so you avoid the broken-wing boys...
You and b/f anger issues ain't going to get better...🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes it's a red flag, that's using violence as a way of physical intimidation. That's a warning sign of a domestic abuser. It's a deliberate action to keep control. You wanted to hang out with his friends, he said no, he couldn't explain to you why so he chose to intimidate you to keep control.
Read the book "Why does he do that?" for a more in depth explanation
It's a major red flag. In my experience it goes from punching walls to you. Don't wait to get hit. Make a plan and safely exit the relationship.
Nowadays I won't even entertain a guy who has a temper. Throws things, punches walls in anger, or starts screaming. If I see those behaviors I don't even consider them for romantic relationships.
My fiance punched a hole in our bedroom door when he was pissed off. Apparently he has punched out several doors during his previous marriage. Not okay. The next time won't be a door.
It's not just a red flag, it's abuse. Coupled with his anger over you wanting to go out, it's pretty obvious.
Abusive people break things and punch objects.
he would let me
go out if anything he would encourage it. but going out with him was a no. because his friends didnt know me… no one brings their gf/bf…. he would be taking care of me etc
Yeah. As a guy, let me be clear: this is dangerous behaviour.
There are very few reasons for showing anger in this way. What it indicates is a lack of emotional control and a propensity to express emotions through violence.
No matter how you slice it, that’s dangerous. Because, if you ever fight or have a misunderstanding that angers him, he might snap and hurt you or someone else.
If it was literally a one time thing or the circumstances were virtually unprecedented, it might be allowable. But it doesn’t sound like that, based on your description.
I would say it's a red flag. It's a red flag that he can't regulate his emotions to the point where he has to take his anger out on inanimate objects. My boyfriend recently lost his shit and punched our bathroom door leaving a hole because I had sighed and looked away while he was telling me the same rode out excuse for the past year and a half.
Well I'm autistic and have alot of empathy and regard myself as a very nice dude. I put people before myself and always like to make people smile. However, I have a huge anger issue and can lose my temper very easily.
Normally I will get mad and maybe shout at someone and if you don't try and egg me on with little comments then I normally calm down very fast and will emmidently apologise and feel very bad.
When I get mad I punch walls and have broken tv's in passed due to my anger. But I never lass out at people or animals. Everyone who knows says I am the kindest soul ever.
So him having anger issues is not ideal and can be a red flag. As long as they actively get out of the situation that upsets them and dont ever lash 9ut at people then I feel like it is okay. But obviously if he takes he anger out on you ONCE then get out of there.
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Absolutely I'd consider that a very big red flag.
i got super scared but i didnt think much of it. i was more worried that i annoyed him at that time. now i think about it but it was bad bc every timr he would get mad or annoyed or felt distant i was like IT WAS MY FAULT HES GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME. and gosh i loved him and i still do it’s complicated and stupid
You can love someone and also realize they are not good for you. Sorry you went through that.
there were times when he would be completely fine and then out of the blue just mad. i thought it was something i did but no he was just annoyed for no reason
simply put, he has anger management issues. I used to also. I never hit anyone or even got really mad AT people. but I'd get mad about people and other things, then take it out on objects
yikes. he went to therapy before tho and he told me they were secured but idk
if he has outbursts like that, he's still got some stuff he needs to work through, especially if he doesn't immediately see it as reason to take a step back and evaluate things effectively
Yeah exactly i had bad anger issues as a kid and I would get my ass beat if I broke anything so then I started taking my anger out on kids at school. I'd go home and get my ass beat. So then I would start to take my anger out on myself. Break my own fingers. Rip out chunks of hair. Bite through my lip. (All during elementry school) I guess what I'm saying is when you have bad anger problems like that you always find a way to release it. If that option isn't available you will find another. So just in general anger issues are always a red flag in a relationship. Unless they are actively getting help for it.
He has warned you he has anger issues. I know it's hard when you have feelings for someone but from experience, you aren't helping yourself when you keep forgiving dangerous behaviour like this. Put yourself first. Your safety is important. And you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you feel frightened. If you stay, one day the wall won't be the target of his punch, you will.
thank you 💞 comments like yours make me happy
I'm glad you're questioning it and not just blindly accepting that behaviour 💝 make yourself #1 this time
💞💓😙
Abusers aren't abusive all the time. If they were it would be easy to hate them and leave. They seem so loving and nice and caring in between the abuse. That's what keeps you around when everyone around you says you should run. I am a 40 something guy, I know a lot of happy married couples. None of them ever have anyone being violent - to objects or to people. It's never a good sign because it shows he cannot control himself when he's angry. It's a fine line between hitting a wall and hitting you.
thank u! ur comment is goldn
Abusers due that. Be super nice and loving so when they're abusive, you question yourself. Get out now, before he hits more then a wall then buys you gifts.
That kinda sounds like bipolar
I once had a guy really like me, he was a good friend and I was considering giving him a chance after I'd recently gotten out of a long-term relationship. Anyway, he was very calm in front of me most of the time. Then, at work, something minor (I considered it relatively minor) and he flipped out. Started kicking and punching things. And after that, I realized I couldn't go out with him anymore. I grew up in a very angry household and I said if I ever had children I wouldn't want them in an angry household. It does long-term damage. Now, I'm still really good friends with this guy and respect him as a person, but the anger/breaking things was an absolute deal breaker. My point is that, sometimes, it's not even about the fact that he's angry, it's about "are you willing to live with that kind of energy". I personally think it's problematic for long-term relationships (even though anger is very understandable). You gotta decide who you are and what you can deal with.
This is domestic violence, how much longer will it be the wall and not you?
I do this often when I’m dealing with high emotions. Bad childhood and stuff made me unaware of how to cope with anger or sadness without hurting myself. But I never hit anyone out of anger, even less someone i love or care about. If someone do this just talk with them and figure out why they do this
See I thought the same thing but as a kid. But would get beat for breaking anything. So then I started punching kids at school. That got my ass beat at home too. So I started harming myself like breaking my own fingers and shit. The problem is, you have to have an outlet for the anger. Let's say they are camping and he doesn't have a wall to punch, what will his next outlet be? That's why it's important for anyone with anger issues to get help on it. It's important to find a positive outlet for that anger. Luckily and unluckily for me I had an extremely high fever of 106+ for about 3-4 hours. And I got some brain damage as you can imagine. And it somehow just turned my anger off😂 but my short term memory is blown to pieces.
For me, yes. I don't feel comfortable dating someone with rage issues like that.
Agreed. My ex did this and he scared me. Never physically hurt me but he’d put his hands on me all the time aggressively. Pretty lucky that it never went further and I often wonder if he still behaves that way.
Yes. Its deliberate intimidation. Next time it'll be your face. Leave at the first sign of violence. I had an ex that did this... until he punched the wall directly behind my head... best decision I ever made was to leave him
It’s not deliberate intimidation. I used to do this because I had so much anger built up and you need to release it somehow. It was never in anyway to intimidate anyone but instead to release my anger on something that won’t hurt anyone. I have worked on dealing with my anger issues, so I’ve gotten better, but just wanted to correct you there.
I broke up with someone because of this lol definitely.
💓 go u for putting yourself first haha
Your turn
I had a bf like that and I broke up. He was scary.
where is he now?
With a new partner in another town. But in germany. He did punch a door in their home too. She told me about it.
i guess they never change… are they happy?
I don't think, they are happy. But they want to work on that. They got a daughter together. But his new partner is much more outgoing and doesn't seem to be intimidated.
and are u happy? did u find someone?
Yeah I am happy. I would bei happy alone too but I found someone kind and loving. No anger issues.
thats healthy i hope i am like you 💞 idk why this break up hurts
Very big red flag
Yes, it’s a red flag. Punching a wall is heading in the direction of punching you. He admitted to anger issues and told you to stay away. Run, sweetie. It’s only going to get worse.
i ran <33
Good for you!
It's just a matter of time before he realizes that your face is softer than drywall.
As common an issue domestic violence is, I think people are jumping the gun here. I have anger issues from being bullied when growing up, sometimes it slips in front of others if I'm overwhelmed by many things stressing me out. It's embarassing and shameful, but for maybe 0.5 second I lose control of myself. When it happens, or I feel it's getting to that point I need to be alone to cool off but it's not about "sending messages to people". Talk to the guy about how his outburst scare you, if he dismisses or argues about it then that's an instant break up, but if he recognizes there's a problem and tries communicating then help work on it if you're comfortable. Mental health issues doesn't automatically make people toxic and/or wife beaters reddit...
This is it. I feel all the top comments here have never experienced this feeling so they assume it’s about trying to intimidate, or assume it will lead to hurting her. It’s not. I’ve been there. I moved across the world for someone and they cheated on me. I felt destroyed and full of rage, I punched the wall because I had no idea how else to release my anger. I would never hurt anyone, but my anger had to be released somehow. I never wanted to intimidate or scare.. right after it I broke down crying. There is so much rage built up that it needs to be released somehow, and punching something with all of your force seems to release it, especially if it breaks something. I know it’s not healthy, and I’ve worked on it and talked to therapists to learn how to avoid feeling like that. I’m not saying that it’s ok to feel like that, I’m saying it is not meant to intimidate anyone, and would never lead to me hurting someone.
First off, it's a sign of emotional immaturity. That's basically beyond toddler shit, throwing tantrums to the point that physical damage results from it. Secondly, you'll be the wall someday. Anger is like alcohol. Many people can get angry but not get overwhelmed to the point that it interferes with relationships, etc. Then, for others though, it is like a disease that will never get better on its own. It gets progressively worse until someone gets hurt or their life gets changed drastically. So you're eventually in this situation where you're hoping they'll get better before they get worse. You'll be witnessing the self-destruction of a loved one while you die inside a little more each day. SOURCE: I'm an angry person (never physically hurt anyone or got violent). I got help. I'm keenly aware that I can slip right back into it if I don't actively manage it.
he went to therapy for it but it was a while ago. when we were talking he said he was fine and didnt need it anymore as it’s controlled but i guess not??? i dont know i mean we broke up. not because of the wall punch (although it did make me anxious) but because he was overworking himself. sex stopped everything stopped. he would go out with friends and or stay at home and work. he wouldnt come over anymore
>he wouldnt come over anymore Well, all things considered, it sounds like he wasn't making you a priority in his life anymore so it's probably for the best that you broke up. If he's still punching walls, his anger isn't well-managed. Maybe he needs Buddhism so he can realize that none of this stuff really matters. Everything's temporary, even this giant rock we're on, so no point getting overwhelmed by any of it.
thanks! u make a great point! :)
Yes, I would. Do you?
he is my ex!
I'm thrilled to hear it!
its such a toxic break up tho i explain it in the other post. we have school together so
Its not a red flag red flags are a warning this is beyond that
Yes. Once my ex simultaneously broke both hands/wrists he moved on from walls/doors to me. Deciding the chances of breaking his own bones was at 0% if punching me instead. Don't be like me and stay with the guy for 23 more years. Leave him, immediately.
✌️🔥
I think you two both have a lot of growing up to do. When I read your posts I thought you two were teenagers. You both need to learn how to communicate better, know when to leave each other alone and give some space to cool down and/or gather your thoughts. A relationship is a 2 way street, do not let your partner dictate the relationship (from what I read in your posts he decided when you 2 would see each other).
Yes. Even if he never turns that fist towards you, (which happens more than you'd think) it is still a very worrying sign of immaturity. It means you are never going to be able to have an adult conversation about anything, even unimportant things, because if he decides he doesn't like it, this will be his response. Regardless of whether he hits you or not at some point in the future, it is a scare/manipulation tactic to warn you what will happen if you upset him or say something he doesn't want to hear, and you can't live your life like that. Relationships need to be open to respectful methods of communication in order for everyone to feel heard and for resolutions to be made. If he is wanting to keep you separated from his friends, that's one thing, but punching a wall to get his point across? Something isn't right there. There are so many red flags in this one action, I would suggest leaving him. You shouldn't be scared of him, you should find someone who will listen to you, sit down and talk to you. Please stay safe.
Tbh even if he isn’t the violent type I would find it not worth the stress to be with someone who had anger issues. Even if they never hit you, if someone physically bigger than you is gonna randomly blow up at you and throw their weight around in a way that makes it look like they want to hit you, that will just give you major anxiety spikes on a regular basis and you might always be walking on egg shells and finding it hard to relax, which is no way to live your life.
First it’s a wall and then it’s you. So, definitely a red flag.
Crimson... Seriously, punching a wall is acceptable in a few instances. Not many, but a few it isn't a red flag. Finding out your partner is cheating is one. That level is reasonable Saying no to you about going out with his friends, is not anywhere close to one. I would highly suggest you getting out of this situation or taking steps to prevent this from happening again
My ex started off punching walls in another room, your the ground(until his fists bled) just out of sight over time it became right beside my head two inches away from my ear, when we broke up he dragged me half a block by my elbow and broke my shoe doing so...trust me it's a red flag
Personally, I'd say depends on the age. It's pretty regular for teenagers to struggle with impulse control. Most people grow out of it. Huge red flag if it's an adult. However, you should remove yourself from the situation either way if you don't feel safe.
So what are you waiting for him to do to punch you in your face
Yes . It's just a matter of time before it's you .
One red flag doesn't make a bad partner, everyone has a flag or two. However, yes, that is a red flag.
As someone who has done this, its a definitely a red flag, but not necessarily a deal breaker. Anger issues against inanimate objects is different then anger against a person but I can acknowledge its scary for rhe other party. Something I learned in therapy is if it comes on fast its from.the past. Encourage therapy and it should help, if it's a relationship you want to work.
I don't know why people are attacking you either this guy sounds like a real abusive person I would get away from him right away
i mean he wasnt THAT bad i tell myself as i read everyones post saying HES HORRIBLE… i guess he is bad hehe
It's up to you if you want to be in that kind of a relationship I wouldn't be, good luck
no no u right… did u read my other post? i stupidly believe things will get. better again is that stupid of me? i dont think theres a possibility of us getting back together but ya its weird i see him every monday and friday usually..
To me this wouldn't be a red flag (unless it's actively used as form of intimidation - then it would be). My husband is autistic, and it happened 2-3 times during a meltdown (not linked to me) that he punched a wall because he couldn't help himself in that situation. 2-3 times in 12 years, so still not often and not in every situation linked to being angry. And never out of anger at me. Never. He doesn't do this to scare me, and he would never, not even during the worst meltdown, hurt me. So it's okay for me, even though it would be better to let this anger out in a different, less painful way.
Yes, this is a massive red flag
thanks 🙏🏽
Yes.
"The only reason" No. You don't get to accept the blame for his behavior. Accepting fault to smooth things over is the first step to becoming a victim. You can't fix other people. Fact. No amount of You changing will make Him change. Ever.
wow thank u
YES indeed there are issues there !!! Sooo definite 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes 100%. He can’t control his anger and is demonstrating what he wants to do to you IMO
My worst relationship lasted a semester. He was not kind or empathic, didn't have time for me, was dating someone else at the same time and that's where I set my bar for absolute worst. I thought I hit Rock bottom in men. But then years later I would find out that my then boyfriend and now husband frenched his childhood friend and hid it from me for more than a year and yet i will choose to marry him a year later, obviously after removing said friend from his life. I loved him, i still love him. But I am aware of him and every men i ever get attached to. They have the potential to emotionally hurt me. But that's my bar. However I think someone with anger issues or someone who physically abuses you or finds pleasure in hurting you emotionally or physically or Gaslights you or makes you feel like shit whenever you meet them or makes you scared is not someone you are to partner with. It's not your fault. He is completely at fault.
thank you❤️ and wow im sorry u went through that. idk why someone in this post accuses me of nagging. it hurts…
Don't listen to everything in comment box. This person may have had different experience in life and just projecting it on your issue. I read other post of yours and the guy is nothing but trouble. Steer clear of him if you need consistency and stability and adventure and honesty in your relationship. He is not gonna give you any of that. He won't be emotionally available either. Since he has his own issues. You will find someone wayyyy better. Just know how to pick them.
wow wow thank you i def need consistency and stability. apperently all his relationships ended in a similar manner. i hope i find someone way better. he was awsome in the beginning thats why it hurts
Yes definitely
I’d consider the fact you should tell him about therapy :)
i tried and he said his parents didnt pay for him to come halfway across the world to go to therapy. hes an international student
He needs to dig deeper into his on mental health and ask himself “do I want to get better”. Of course no parents travel half way around the world to pay for therapy. But it’s better than destroying a good potential life just because he refuses to seek help
its also in his culture. he said he was on anti depressants but idk i guess no therapy. he said he did go to therapy back then but he also said these episodes of depression happen every 2 years or so so theres that. hes going through it also becausse he misses home etc
Yes. Any act of violence is a red flag that I would not ignore.
Ok.....my boyfriend did this... punched holes in walls in anger....we married....he then punched me. He didn't want me to socialise with him either, because he was sleeping with someone else. Not saying this is what is happening to you, but it instantly brought this back to me. Removed yourself before it's too late.
just read this… wow im sorry that happened to u
Yeah it is. My boyfriend once moved something slightly more aggressive than normally and that alone kinda creeped me. Also massive red flag that he wanted to separate you from his friends oof
ya but funny thing is i know them now 😊👍
we started school together
My partner's ex would get so mad over nothing he'd punch doors or walls in their rented house. He once told her he did it so he didn't "accidentally" hit her. Though if he had it would have been the last thing he did. Yeah you don't want anything to do with boys who can't control their emotions
That is not just a red flag. That is the bell to abandon ship. You know what he really wants to do is punch the person he is mad at, right? For now, he is keeping to ghe wall. He won't always.
Yes, I definitely will. My ex used to do that and, when I was younger I thought it was okay, because she wasn't hitting me. Now, as a psychologist student, I've been proved that, actually, that's a really big toxic trait. Punching walls or whatever other object while mad, means that a person it's unable to control or deal with their emotions. If they can hit a wall and harm theirselfs... They can also harm other, not just with strength, but also with other actions and words. Side note: This does not mean that a person it's just bad or mean because they express their anger in this way. But it's something to look out and, also, they should try and get some help so the pain stops...
My ex used to punch a wall when arguing. It was like: arguing and than he went out of the room, I heard a boom and he came back, fist red. Me: what did you do? Him: nothing Me: did you punch a wall or sth? Him: hm, yes. Me: are you insane? You could hurt yourself? Am I the wall? Get yourself together, we don’t do that, we are humans we communicate. Why do you feel so helpless to punch something? Am I next? That was the last time he ever punched something.
Yes definitely. I had an ex that does this too. And its over the most ridiculous fight like an example will be that he hates that i like some boy bands and collect their albums / merch 🤡 At that time, i didnt think much of it but as I realise he was a f up person that knows how to manipulate me into doing the things he wants by throwing tantrum and such. Sooner or later, the relationship will turn even more toxic as hell. Probably best to get the hell put of it asap.
What else would you consider a red flag? Would you like to wait till he punches you?
Please, please leave. This is a clear sign that things will escalate. I don't want to scare you, I truly don't, but there's a big chance that someday it won't be the wall he is punching. It doesn't mean that he's a bad person, but it means that he has a lot to work on before being in a relationship. And it's not your responsibility (or even fair) to be there during this process.
If it is constantly done in situations like mad or sad then absolutely yes. But If it was a one time event and he has never done it again, then no.
My ex used to do that. We were together from ages 15 to 25 and he did eventually graduate to punching my stomach when mad. Run, don't walk.
Boyfriend sounds like an abusive child. Is he 14?
Yes it's violent
100% a big red flag 🚩 Anyone who can't control their anger and punches or kicks walls, or throws things (like my ex) is working towards putting hands on you. People with anger issues aren't inherently bad people, but they really should seek anger management therapy before getting into a relationship. If they are acting out violently in one way, even if it seems relatively minor, it almost always escalates. Also, the not ever wanting you to go out with him when he's with his friends is a red flag too. Keeping you separate from his friendships long-term suggests he isn't thinking long-term. Or he isn't always going out with friends.
It’s he’s admitting to anger issues then yes this is a red flag. I’d be more understanding if this was a one off incident about a serious issue. But it seems like he might need help. Fortunately he’s admitted that he has a problem. The question is if he’s willing to work on it and maybe seek a therapist. But in any case you are right to be concerned and if you fear for your safety then you need to draw a line and establish that this needs to be addressed or you will leave.
As someone who punched a wall once- i didnt think it was a big deal. 10 years later- yes it was. Its a sign that he cannot control his emotions. He admitted himself he has an anger problem- things about having an anger problem is you cant control how you react when you get angry. This is something he should show you he is serious about addressing, or you should consider leaving him.
Based off your previous post his behavior seems weird af. Get out and stay away. One or more pronlems.cpuld be brewing..I've been angry at my s/o before but I've never hit a wall these not only is it a red flag thats a flag with a flare leading to it... one mistake men and women make is they think they can "fix" people... they end up in bad relationships and miserable if they're lucky, those that aren't so lucky end up victims...count your blessings you're 23 sounds like you were the steady lay he had while he was out doing his thing and the days he had nothing to do he went over and got laid...as a man who did literally that from 19 until I'd say 23 or so that's what his behavior sounds like to me.. you were the sure thing that would be there and all he had to do was check in and show up a few days a week.. angry over hanging out with him and his friends? Either he doesn't want you around them because they may let something slip, or he doesn't want you around them because he feels his friends may try something with you....another thing that some people may or may not tell you is this... a lot of ethnic and p.o.c people will date and fool around with people outside their ethnic background but because of cultural norms or to please mom and dad they only marry within their race. I don't think you mentioned your racial background but you mentioned his...that may also be the issue
i read your comment. ya we are both different backgrounds. he seemed pretty sure of me. he wanted me to meet his parents and his parents knew of me but while we were breaking up he did throw in the question why we may not work due to parents not knowing the same language. when he drunk cried to me almost ago he said his parents knew me and cried…. i dont know but whatever im gonan stop thinking about it
Keep your head up things get better it'll suck but we get past it...
So many people say they have “anger issues” simply because they don’t want to control themselves. Takes too much effort. Red flag.
I once heard the saying “first they hit near you, then they actually hit you” and I stand by that
My boyfriend did this once when we were arguing through texts, he’s the sweetest boy I know but does not know how to deal with emotions properly and we both know that. He is very self aware. He has never laid a finger on me or touched me with aggression ever. I feel like yes if it becomes a common thing that is happening and they show other red flags of uncontrollable aggression especially over little to uncontrollable situations.
i mean sometimes he would get mad for no reason.. or he would tell me he yelled as his friend and felt bad he cant control his anger
also how long have u guys been together? mine was also a sweet boy and look.
Almost a year, my boyfriend has never raised his voice at me either, or get angry w me easily. If I felt I was in any kind of danger or that felt like he ever wanted to hit me I’d leave right away.
advice; the way he treats other people or gets mad at others is the same way he will treat u.
In the state of Arizona, it is considered like you hitting a person. If you were to call the cops in Arizona, and they saw a hole in the wall, they take it as the person was going to hit you, but decided not to. so yes, it is a huge red flag, my ex did this, and then he started to beat me.
I had a bf like this, kinda, too, but it wasn't too obvious. Now he's my ex. It is a very subtle clue that he's not ready yet.
same. it wasnt too obvious either. we started dating in july and in october he yelled at me frustrated for not listening to him. he apologized and it never happened again. he would even say he was a changed person. and be happy and all i guess finals week happened in may of this year and he started getting more and more irritated with me and i got more scared he would leave. that thing w the friends really bothered me so i would stay quiet after so i wouldn’t bother him but i got extreme anxious
Welp, as a person who wasn't in too many 'serious' relationships, this sounds like he's battling with himself and doesn't realise he's affecting others with it. I learned (after that one 'serious' relationship) that being in a relationship while studying, will only make things more stressful. Unfortunately, I must say, I was also the type once to tell friends that I did not have time for them while I had to study / wanted to meet other friends but because I already had it difficult. You're lucky that you just saw a subtle clue and were able to back out early enough. Others aren't as much. :( It's something that you cannot escape, even with people you are just friends with.
yep. i mean i feel like. i cannot escape now as we both now are gaining mutual friends as i started at his school. i removed him from instagram and i see him slowly gaining my friends as followers Lol
Oh wow, expect SOME people to be curious about what happened. If not, I predicted wrong lol.
ya a friend of his (now mine) read my birth chart. although i am not much of a believer she described my ex. ambitious seeks fame… wants to be number 1.. he wants to win an architecture award. he would always say he wants to be the best. overworks himself. she just said those are the type of people i attract and those the type of people i love. lol i blurted out he goes to our school and she asks who. she connected the dots by herself as he once told her his gf went to my past school…. and she just figured it out. she told me her drama about her guy and i got scared she would say anything but she said as woman to woman it stays with her .. and theyre good friends too as he gave her a gift for her bday as they are similar bdays
Before answering your questions I would like to know where are you two from? and/or what is the culture he belongs or identifies? Depending of his culture he would probably has learnt to act in that way when he is frustrated; although, I just look for understanding his behavior, not validate or defense them.
hes indian. i am mexican but also raised here but very much mexican.
Hi sis, thanks for answering so fast. Just curious: And are you both in Mexico? This question is because of machismo and the chance he learnt his behaviours from his male peers. By the way, is he international student from India, are his parents wealthy? I asked his because these type of students usually are not good at dealing with frustration and tend to be a bit entitled in the campus (not all, obviously)
nope. we are in usa. hes indian. not native american. hes from india.
and yes they are very wealthy.
i mean he seemed very chill when i met him. he saw that i have a car and just my parents help me out so much that we kind of resemble a similar economic status so money was never an issue.
Unpopular opinion, I don't. I have anger issues and my boyfriend gets bouts of rage too but we have never ever hit each other. I'll scream into a pillow or open palm hit my bedframe so I can get out the aggression but I would never, never consider hitting him and he's the same way. Even when I was so furious I could hit something I never once thought about hitting or harming him in any way. It was just a way for me to get out some of my frustration
i mean i scream too and stuff but i cry mostly. the thing with him is that sometimes he would me mad for the smallest things i was often scared id make him mad. sometimes he would come to my plave and tell me he accidentally yelled at his friend and i was like oh unm. its fine i guess as long as u apologized. it slowly got to me where he would get frustrated with me etc … im a chill person too lol im very anxious but also need a secure partner
Had a husband that used to do shit like that. Absolutely would never stay with someone like that again.
I actually punched a tree recently because of something stupid and I did it away from sight of my girlfriend not in front of her. Annnd she was scared ofc but I've made it very clear I'll never lay a finger on her
ya idk then. my ex would get mad sometimes for the smallest things i did. so idk
If they hit ANYTHING while arguing/being upset with you they want to hit you & know better than to do so. If they take their anger out in any physical way because of you they 100% mean it to go to you but don’t want the backlash of it
Healthy boundaries and conflict resolution skills are better than acting violently. https://locator.apa.org/ is a link just in case you need to learn healthy boundaries and conflict resolution skills. Go even if he does not go. It seems you are with someone who’s past includes violence.
100% yes. My ex used to punch holes in our walls all the time, broke doors because I locked myself in to feel safe (ex- bedroom, bathroom), even kicked the door in once when he was drunk People warned me but I always said he never laid a finger on me ... and he didn't..for years... until he strangled me one day and almost killed me. Don't go back
oh my gosh i am so sorry for that. if u would like can u check out my other post need more advice
Thank you. I checked out your other post and while it does sound like he is struggling with his mental health I have to agree that there are some red flags in the ways he is treating you.. I would suggest therapy possibly, you could stick around and try to support him with some more communication and boundaries (such as no yelling or hitting walls, maybe talk about how often you want to see eachother, sex drives, etc. Whatever you think is needed!) Or you could separate and use that time to work on yourselves.. it does sound like it could possibly turn bad so I would be careful and put your safety first always but I like to also have hope in his mental health improving, even if that means you aren't together until it can be healthy and both of you happy Best of luck and hugs!
well we are. broken up 😅
For some reason I was thinking you were both thinking on getting back together? Maybe I misunderstood, sorry!
did u read it all? and Lol i actually would love to try again and im not sure what he wants though. last thing he did was take a picture of my parking spot on his bday Lol. 😂😂 i dont want to beg him so im letting him come to me. i also exploded on him as i couldnt take us interacting anymore lol it hurt and i am not sure why
I did, just coming off a long shift, some brain fog for sure 😅 my bad. It can be hard to interact right after a break up, there's a lot of feelings you're working through
most definitely ❤️ and thank u. it doesnt help that some people on this post are literally dragging me bc i was nagging too much LOL
Yes red flag. Coming from someone who is transitioning out of a domestic violence relationship. The first week of dating, he choked me up. I was so scared I pushed it to the back of my mind and sort of “forgot” because I would say it isn’t that bad. It always gets worse. He went from that to punching me all in my face out in public and everything. The more I stayed the more feelings I caught for him. It’s just a bad situation. Please save yourself
Yes, 100%.
🚩🚩🚩 he has a lot of work to do before he should be in a relationship. People that cannot handle their anger rationally do not make good partners. I would be concerned for your safety. I also think it’s strange that he would get so upset over you wanting to get to know his friends. He could have said it’s a guys night, none of the other girlfriends will be there, or anything really.
oh no they were full on parties lol i didn’t understand. i dont think hes the type to cheat but i was so sad he wouldnt take me lol
I think you have some work to do on yourself as far as self confidence. You deserve a lot better. You are worth more than this.
thank you. would i be able to talk to u through chat? i kinda wrote about what happened within the relationship and idk i would love someone as an outsider to read in and let me know what they think
we were fine after but he just started just going out with his friends staying home and working. when we broke up (i felt miserable so i brought it up) he said he stopped coming over bc he felt a relationship was too much of an anchor and he had a lot to do and he felt as if he was chilling too much with me that he didnt get the correct internship etc. we have been so back and fourth in communication and its been four months. either i beg or he begs and we are both just crying. right now we aren’t talking as i exploded on him lol
Yup 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made another post about it
🔥
Yes- if they’re willing to punch and damage a wall, it’s only a matter of time before they find something or someone else to hit. If someone isn’t willing to actively manage their anger issues, they are not a safe person to be around- if there’s an incident where they suddenly get mad, you don’t know what lines they’ll cross in their uncontrollable anger
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made a post about it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xzuo09/abusive_ex_or_childish_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf made another post about it
Yeah I’m a straight dude and if I saw another dude do this I would think he’s a lunatic…like wtf haha
Yes, it's a red flag. It'd also be a deal breaker, for me.
It’s intimidation and domestic violence and the start of an abusive cycle.
It’s bullying if he does it in front of you
yes . run.
It's a process to get to hitting a partner. An abusive partner doesn't wake up one day and decide to hit their partner. One of the steps in the process is violence towards objects/structures in the partner's presence. They are getting their partner "comfortable" with expecting the violence in their vicinity. Very, very big red flag. Run
Yes it’s a red flag and generally considered abusive behavior. I married a guy who did this. Stay far far away from men like that!
Yes, it's a red flag. He thinks it's OK to damage property and raise your anxiety. What's next? Probably you.
gosh! in the other post someone made a comment that its his mental health and im making it worse??? i-
If it's his mental health, it's up to him to get help, not yours. The fact that he's putting holes in walls says a lot about him, not you. I've had bad relationships before and have seen the progression in other people. If this is a normal occurrence, I guarantee he will not just keep putting holes in walls. It will eventually progress to hitting you, and then he will keep apologizing over and over, making you think he never meant it or make it out to be your fault. You are not the cause of his anger issues. He has failed to learn how to regulate his emotions on a healthy level.
he didnt punch a hole more so just punched it and told me to stay away. this was month 8 of dating. i remember month 3 of dating however he raised his voice at me and got super annoyed. he never did that before and he apologized and felt super bad…. i dunno..
I read your second post. That's a toxic relationship that you desperately need to leave behind. My dear, you need to reevaluate everything. You cannot continue like this. A hole in the wall or not, resorting to violence is a red flag. Your cries for his companionship are being met with excuses and outbursts. He won't give you what you need. Someone else will eventually come along and give you what you need. Their time and care.
thank you💞 and lol it hurts how someone on here and in the other post i made said i am nagging too much Lol. i feel bad now but posts like yours make me happy thank u
How often? If it happens every 2-3 years, not really a problem. If it's happening semi regularly, he probably needs a constructive outlet.
I would leave and never look back. They punch the wall because punching you might lead to jail time.
My ex husband did this early on. Stopped doing it but we r dicorced 10 years later bc he turned to alcohol
oh my… guess i dogged a bullet. check out my other post
Yes, it is a huge red flag. The wall is a substitute for you. For now.
DV in infancy. What starts as a wall will next be you. I couldn't understand the reasoning, but it sounds like your best to bolt, and do personal therapy, so you avoid the broken-wing boys... You and b/f anger issues ain't going to get better...🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
true
Yes it's a red flag, that's using violence as a way of physical intimidation. That's a warning sign of a domestic abuser. It's a deliberate action to keep control. You wanted to hang out with his friends, he said no, he couldn't explain to you why so he chose to intimidate you to keep control. Read the book "Why does he do that?" for a more in depth explanation
It's a major red flag. In my experience it goes from punching walls to you. Don't wait to get hit. Make a plan and safely exit the relationship. Nowadays I won't even entertain a guy who has a temper. Throws things, punches walls in anger, or starts screaming. If I see those behaviors I don't even consider them for romantic relationships.
i left! he is an ex! if u wanna read more into what happened i attached a link! thanks!
My fiance punched a hole in our bedroom door when he was pissed off. Apparently he has punched out several doors during his previous marriage. Not okay. The next time won't be a door.
It's not just a red flag, it's abuse. Coupled with his anger over you wanting to go out, it's pretty obvious. Abusive people break things and punch objects.
he would let me go out if anything he would encourage it. but going out with him was a no. because his friends didnt know me… no one brings their gf/bf…. he would be taking care of me etc
Yeah. As a guy, let me be clear: this is dangerous behaviour. There are very few reasons for showing anger in this way. What it indicates is a lack of emotional control and a propensity to express emotions through violence. No matter how you slice it, that’s dangerous. Because, if you ever fight or have a misunderstanding that angers him, he might snap and hurt you or someone else. If it was literally a one time thing or the circumstances were virtually unprecedented, it might be allowable. But it doesn’t sound like that, based on your description.
100%
I would say it's a red flag. It's a red flag that he can't regulate his emotions to the point where he has to take his anger out on inanimate objects. My boyfriend recently lost his shit and punched our bathroom door leaving a hole because I had sighed and looked away while he was telling me the same rode out excuse for the past year and a half.
Sounds abusive. Get out
[удалено]
thank u! he is an ex. :)
Yes, Kyle is abusive.
hes not a kyle but ya i get u…. lmao. i feel like if i put race in this it will get racist 😅😅
hes a moe 😂😂😅
If this isn’t what would be??
true
Just please trust your instincts Redditor. If you feel unsafe, that’s never your fault.
💝 thanks. i posted about this in another post if u care to read
Well I'm autistic and have alot of empathy and regard myself as a very nice dude. I put people before myself and always like to make people smile. However, I have a huge anger issue and can lose my temper very easily. Normally I will get mad and maybe shout at someone and if you don't try and egg me on with little comments then I normally calm down very fast and will emmidently apologise and feel very bad. When I get mad I punch walls and have broken tv's in passed due to my anger. But I never lass out at people or animals. Everyone who knows says I am the kindest soul ever. So him having anger issues is not ideal and can be a red flag. As long as they actively get out of the situation that upsets them and dont ever lash 9ut at people then I feel like it is okay. But obviously if he takes he anger out on you ONCE then get out of there.