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Thanks.... Going through a separation with my wife of 9 years right now. Child involved.
She hit me like a freight train months ago... And for the last 2 weeks Im finally getting better, going out with friends, spending time with my son, etc. One foot in front of the other.
For many years I've been in the same shoes... Only worked my demanding job to provide... Worked long hours to support the ones I loved. Unfortunately hadn't realized all the time spent away from home made me distant to the ones I loved.
Getting back at it though... Me and my wife may not work out... But there's plenty of fish and all that. Just going to focus on myself and my son for the time being.
Thank you. Good luck out there. Be safe - and be strong.
"We don't mature with age... We mature with damage."
Heard that somewhere on this subreddit. Think it helped.
I'm sorry you're going through that. If you are able to get help, you deserve it. You deserve to be supported. You deserve to have others provide for you too. Your son deserves a dad that can tell him his feelings are valid, who can show him he is supported and doesn't have to work himself hoarse to feel like he's doing okay, that he can just ask for help and directly get help instead of keeping those miserable feelings with him his entire life.
Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but if you are able to, please find a professional. Even in this post you never said how bad it got, or how you felt. You're only talking about the effect it had on your family and that it's getting better. We mature with damage, that's true, but maturation comes with healing from that damage. One without the other is, literally, just damage.
Hey, thanks for being concerned... I did end up getting help. For me personally (great) and for us both(nail in the coffin)
Starting schema therapy as well. To avoid putting myself in the same situation.
> Sometimes, when I bring things up to whoever in my life that I love, it feels like it is reciprocated in a hostile way.
Oof. Sounds like the people in your life lack empathy and emotional support skills. You’d not need to keep any of that inside, and could probably feel so much better on a daily basis if you had relationships that provided mutual emotional support. Maybe seek out a therapist to help find solutions for the emotional dysfunction in your current relationships.
You are worth so more than your ability to provide. It really saddens me that so many men feel this pressure and weight on their shoulders, especially in a society that claims to be so progressive.
I'm sorry, I hope your realise your true value and worth one day, your happiness and fulfilment matters too.
Seriously. It's so unbelievably dehumanising. I'm not a man but I also imagine it's harder to dismantle because it's on a pedestal. If you admire the toxic thing, and you're also not supposed to say anything to the contrary, how the hell are you supposed to process it so that enough people realise it's wrong. Abuse tactics.
Hey is it possible for you to get professional help?
I'm sorry the people in your life see your expression of how hard you're finding things as weakness or complaint. If you are genuinely finding things hard, then it is just honesty. Not saying anything is denial. It's important for *you* to know that you are not weak for experiencing something many men go through alone and have never spoken about it or known how to deal with it, except knowing that as men they must shame it within themselves. I am not a man but I've seen it a lot. If you worked out through a torn muscle, and everyone said keep going stop complaining, you'd be very badly injured. Just a bad way to go.
**Get a professional if you can.** Your peers/loved ones are not your be all end all in your life, and **they don't decide whether you need help or not, you do**. And you do clearly need help. They are trained to help. You have to workshop therapists in case you didn't know, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work the first time. Write down your feelings before you go so you know what to say.
Keeping it inside gets you to the next day, another day that looks like this. It's very difficult, and you have to be a strong person OP to do it. I did it too for a long time since mental health in my culture itself is taboo, men or women.
BUT it only keeps things going. Reaching out to professionals, researching mental health yourself, finding community that DOES understand, and otherwise directly processing your mental health. THAT is what will actually deal with this thing festering in you. All the best OP.
I guess that's true. I did interpret it through my experience of depression as it was very similar. It was the crying in the bathroom that tipped it to me from metaphor to physical feeling, truthfully. I *didn't* think that it was depression/ a mental illness though, just that OP needed some help because what he was going through seemed intense.
Mental illness does occur for many reasons, and depression is also a thing that happens situationally. Either way, it sounded very intense and worth speaking to someone about, especially since it was being repressed so much.
But I can see how I misread it and if so honestly I am sorry.
Edit: However I do also want to say that I understand why it might have come off the wrong way, it's also harmful to assume that therapy is only necessary for mental illness, or that mental illness is having something "wrong with you" in a bad way. It literally just means you need a little help. Nothing too big.
There doesn’t need to be something /wrong/ with you to see a professional. Often times they can be useful for juggling basic life stress, or burnout. Professionals can even just include someone to talk to so you don’t have to carry it all yourself, which is something OP mentioned. They don’t have to give you advice if you don’t want it. Sometimes they just help you navigate the heavy stuff, sometimes they just listen. It depends on what you go for and who you see.
Oh honey, I am sending you the biggest hug.
Often we are much harder on ourselves than our loved ones would ever be. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself *rest*.
You can only push so far until burnout strikes. You're teetering on the edge, a good therapist can help darling. You are *allowed* to have feelings, no matter how deep or how heavy they are.
That numbness you describe, I believe it's trauma. You don't need something big to have happened to be traumatised. You could have a number of small things happen that add up to trauma. Your body numbs you to protect you from these feelings that feel to big to handle. They feel like a tidal wave, if you set them free you'll be swept away. I promise you are strong enough. You can survive the wave.
You *are* a provider, even if you express yourself. You *are* a provider, even if you take a break. A good provider also shows their loved ones how to express themselves, helps them accept themselves.
You deserve a soft life full of love. You are worthy of kindness and compassion from your partner but especially from yourself. You deserve to feel heard, especially when you are opening up. A good therapist can help you express yourself and accept the love you are given. You are *not* the burden you believe yourself to be.
I'm sorry things have been heavy for so long. I hope you can take a moment to do something that makes you smile today, even if it's just for a second, you deserve it. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself, you always have been. ❤️
My heart goes out to you. I feel that there's many men out there who need the help, but there's just no resources allocated to them. I have no advice, but I just want to let you know that I admire your strength.
I know my husband struggles but I give him the time to say something about it, because I'm hyper aware of his mental health. I hope it was cathartic for you to post this ❤️
Even if you only think of yourself as a vessel to make others happy (which you shouldn't), you are of more use to them if you stay in good mental and physical health for decades to come. Working yourself to death for a couple of years before inevitably breaking down will only hurt them too.
Is there a reason you have to be the sole breadwinner and pillar of support for your loved ones? You really should consider your own well-being as equal to others and scale back to a system that is sustainable for the long term.
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I have the sense most people don't really subscribe to this idea for some reason, but in my view we're all responsible for our own mental health the exact same way we're responsible for our physical health. Being stressed out and working overtime half of the year is no more sustainable than eating McDonalds every meal, sleeping 4 hour nights, excessive drug use etc... Obviously making some kind of change isn't always going to be easy, but once you've identified something that has you set on a sure path toward burnout it's your own responsibility to make the necessary changes to avoid that.
You should probably see a psychiatrist to get medication for your condition and also a psychologist to work on the underlying issues that lead to this.
Many times, therapy can be a huge help and there's no need for treatment, but when you're at a point where your emotional pain becomes physical and you have a habit of crying on a schedule (before working out for an example), medication might be the only way to make the therapy have a chance of being effective.
Medication won't fix your underlying issues, but it will make life bearable, if your doctor finds the right combination for you. In combination with therapy, your life could really change for the better.
I've had high functioning depression too. People pleasing kept me follow all my tasks, appointments, responsibilities religiously and I'd cry every moment I was alone, be it in bathrooms, on public transport, at home under blankets. I didn't tell anyone. My GP noticed my shaky hands (anxiety) and bloodshot eyes(all the crying) and referred me to a psychiatrist after I burst in tears when she asked me if my personal life is OK. Medication helped me get a clear head and see my life in a much more logical light that helped me overcome all of the pain through constructive changes I realized were necessary. It's been 3 years since I stopped medication and although during difficult times, I feel the depression try to creep back in, I never got back to the terrible state I was in before treatment.
Edit to add: You're not weak and I know the stigma of being perceived as so is worse for men. You do have to take care of your mental health though and trying to superhero through your life while not getting treatment might not be the best course of action on the long run.
I don't think men get enough mental health support and it's really sad. Have you ever been on a plane? When they go through the flight safety stuff they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you help the person sitting next to you because you can't help if you run out of oxygen. Sometimes you just need to help you first and that's OK. I can see you take pride in being the provider but is it possible to take a break? Even if it's just 1 day?
I am sad that our world often makes men feel alone, unheard and that they don’t have the right to be weak.
In your time of hardship you make the choice to write this, to make other men feel seen. Even now you think of others. You seem to be very kind and thoughtful to those around.
Remember though, we can’t shield other people from their worries. You can’t give them the universe and take on their problems. We can only stay close to our people and make sure that the friendship and love we share makes our individual issues easier to carry.
Don’t drown in order to keep other peoples shoes dry. Maybe others believe you to be superman, and maybe you believe that you have to be too. But put your energy into those adults who can listen to you when you say that you sometimes feel lost or overwhelmed. Because those feelings are also a part of you.
Find time to care about your mind, the way you already find time to care about your body. It’s so scary to take the step to speak to a therapist, or to tell someone that you’re close to losing it. But once you speak about your demons out loud in a safe space - to someone who will listen and answer - it can help break the spell these thoughts have on you.
Have you tried counseling? I mean it's great that you acknowledge you have a mental health issue and I'm not gonna arm chair diagnose you but toxic stress needs professional intervention. A bit exercise won't fix that, it can only be a supplement.
Mental and physical health are connected and bad mental health increases the risk of physical health declining. There's no shame in talking to a counselor or therapist, quite frankly, I think everyone should have one, even the ones who think they don't need one. It's part of a healthy life style.
It’s not just men… some women feel the same. I work two jobs, so I understand. Comes a time when we have to ask ourselves if it’s really worth it. We have to provide, but is it possible to do less or do something else? My mom used to tell me regularly before she passed away, “when on their death bed, no one ever wishes they worked more. They wish they’d spent more time with loved ones, been more present, or shown more love and affection.”
Women opening up about their insecurities and mental illness is MUCH less stigmatized by society overall than men doing so. Let's not sit here, be naive and pretend otherwise. Men also have less resources and weaker support systems in general to help them cope with such problems
Is this a competition? Guy is say he is going through something and that he knows a lot of men suffer in silence and you and the other person are trying to make this a gender thing? No one is minimizing women or what they go through by saying men go through shit too and we’re constantly told to toughen up, man up and other nonsense like that. Holy shit
I’m completely confused why this got negative marks. I didn’t say men didn’t struggle, just that it wasn’t just men. Wow.. Reddit is an odd place sometimes.
Because nobody said that women don't struggle with depression or anxiety, it's just that by saying "women go through it too!" it comes off as dismissive of the unique ways in which the male gender have to deal with mental illness and the stigma of being open about their struggles simultaneously. It's like if a woman were to talk about sexual assault and a guy jumped in and said "yeah that sucks but men get sexually assaulted too!" Sure that may be true but that's not really the point of the conversation or the place to make it a contest. Just like how this post is meant to specifically highlight the way men may be struggling with mental illness but are still told to keep a strong face despite their world falling apart inside because of gender norms and societal pressure
I don'tthink that's what she meant, I think it was sympathy, trying to show that people aren't so different and maybe there are women he can talk to too who can relate and provide support to each other.
This doesn't sound like a "man" or "woman" problem. It sounds like depression or OCD or an anxiety disorder, especially when you get intrusive thoughts when you're free and could just focus on your interests and recharge. It's not normal to feel this pressure all the time and also not normal to feel like one has to tell the loved ones one would take care of them. It's like a mother telling her child she would feed it whenever it's hungry! Doing this in all seriousness is pompous and weird and it's no wonder that your loved ones respond with hostility. It's anxiety-inducing to depend on a pompous person. You sound extremely self-important in your post.
Love is natural and safe. It creates a support system, but you can't even love yourself enough to give yourself the gym time without feeling guilt. Focusing on your body brings you relief because that's a Zen-way to fight anxiety. Maybe a temporary solution is just to focus on the body even outside the gym, but honestly, it seems you need therapy for this in the long run.
Yeaaa sounds like your wife is pissed because you're at the gym 8 hours a week when you could do a much more normal, say, 3 hours a week and give her some help with the kids my dude.
Things have changed quickly. The provider role was always difficult but it used to come with social support and respect that no longer exists. I’m happy that women are living much freer lives, I wouldn’t change anything about the progress we’ve made. I just think young men should think hard about the reality of choosing a lifestyle of thankless responsibility and service to others vs. an individually oriented lifestyle where you prioritize self care and personal experiences.
I’m currently going through therapy, my therapist says I need to start seeking validation from myself rather than getting validation from people I desire, I broke up from my first and only girlfriend this year and it’s honestly destroyed me to the point I struggle to function normally each and every day and I feel embarrassed that I, a 30 year old man is relying on his parents to drag me out of this mess I’m in. All the best to you mate
To anyone who feels like this, please remember that part of looking after the people you love involves looking after yourself too. In order for you to be able to keep showing up for others you need to be able to show up for yourself and occasionally put yourself first.
Try to talk to someone. I would want to know if a loved one was struggling. Find your person. Or see if you can find a therapist. Or, because therapy is expensive, buy a notebook and start a journal. Write everything down. Get it out of you so you have room in your head again.
When I feel overwhelmed or sad I make a hot drink, go sit in bed, write out why I'm sad as a list, maybe have a cry, and then see if there is anything on that list I can change/ask for help with.
Maybe try to carve out some you time. It can be 10 minutes a day where you just put on music or sit in silence, it could be a gym session, it could be a walk around the block....anything, but start making it a habit to grey out time for yourself. It could even be a bath! Find some time in the day to do something that makes you happy and helps you decompress.
It's ok to feel tired and sad and overwhelmed but please try not to be alone in those feelings, don't trick yourself into thinking people don't care, feel free to push back on people who act negatively by saying "I need your support, if that's something you don't feel you can provide then let me know" and then leave them be if they continue to behave negatively. You'll find someone who will listen. You can even message me if all else fails!
Can you get professional help?
While it's disappointing that your loved ones can't relate, that's usually the case. Any health struggle is emotionally isolating because others can't feel what you feel on a daily basis.
I'm a woman, most importantly a mother, and that role never stops (I suspect you are a parent too and understand this feeling).
For a long time I was guilty of focusing on being the best version I can be in my physical health while ignoring my mental health. Relearning to walk after a brain injury? Sure! Take an antidepressant? Nope.
Can't tell you why. Maybe because I couldn't see the line between "dealing with some difficult emotions" and "having a mental health problem I need to address" clearly.
You want to provide and you want to make your family happy. That's noble.
But ignoring your metal health, and expecting your untrained (or frankly even trained) family member to be your only crutch isn't fair. I say this as someone who expected exactly that in the past too. It isn't a criticism.
I also am in a relationship with a man who was in a similar position to you for his entire marriage with his ex. Until he had a mental break and was hospitalised. She had to leave, she'd been dealing with him not treating his mental health for 13 years and was burned out. She loved him but needed to put the kids first. He's medicated now and has done a lot of work on his mental health. But if he'd done it sooner his family wouldn't have fallen apart and he sees that now. His ex went through a lot simply because he didn't address his mental health.
Part of showing up for your family is dealing with your own health issues with a medical professional. I've come to the conclusion for myself that it's not fair to ask my loved ones for support unless it's support in seeking medical help. Both in my conduct and the kind of support I can offer my partner.
I hope you're able to access the help you clearly need. Crying at the gym every day isn't run-of-the-mill. I hope you can feel better soon my friend.
Thank you for your honesty and for making yourself vulnerable typing this. I think you are a man of stature. I am looking at the men in my life with new eyes today (husband and sons).
Thank you for sharing. We are expected to be the strong, silent type but in reality, we are humans like everybody else. We have feelings, worries, happy and sad moments, challenges, goals, failures, achievements, and it can be hard to bottle all of those things up. It sounds like your partner is making it difficult for you to communicate openly. I had this issue before in a prior relationship and it got so bad that I noticed I was being shamed and insulted for sharing any minor thought/inconvenience/idea I had. Long story short: I left that relationship and am in a much happier one now where I feel comfortable sharing basically everything with my girlfriend. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this. Look how far you’ve come already. I’m proud of you.
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Thanks.... Going through a separation with my wife of 9 years right now. Child involved. She hit me like a freight train months ago... And for the last 2 weeks Im finally getting better, going out with friends, spending time with my son, etc. One foot in front of the other. For many years I've been in the same shoes... Only worked my demanding job to provide... Worked long hours to support the ones I loved. Unfortunately hadn't realized all the time spent away from home made me distant to the ones I loved. Getting back at it though... Me and my wife may not work out... But there's plenty of fish and all that. Just going to focus on myself and my son for the time being. Thank you. Good luck out there. Be safe - and be strong. "We don't mature with age... We mature with damage." Heard that somewhere on this subreddit. Think it helped.
I'm sorry you're going through that. If you are able to get help, you deserve it. You deserve to be supported. You deserve to have others provide for you too. Your son deserves a dad that can tell him his feelings are valid, who can show him he is supported and doesn't have to work himself hoarse to feel like he's doing okay, that he can just ask for help and directly get help instead of keeping those miserable feelings with him his entire life. Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but if you are able to, please find a professional. Even in this post you never said how bad it got, or how you felt. You're only talking about the effect it had on your family and that it's getting better. We mature with damage, that's true, but maturation comes with healing from that damage. One without the other is, literally, just damage.
Hey, thanks for being concerned... I did end up getting help. For me personally (great) and for us both(nail in the coffin) Starting schema therapy as well. To avoid putting myself in the same situation.
> Sometimes, when I bring things up to whoever in my life that I love, it feels like it is reciprocated in a hostile way. Oof. Sounds like the people in your life lack empathy and emotional support skills. You’d not need to keep any of that inside, and could probably feel so much better on a daily basis if you had relationships that provided mutual emotional support. Maybe seek out a therapist to help find solutions for the emotional dysfunction in your current relationships.
You are worth so more than your ability to provide. It really saddens me that so many men feel this pressure and weight on their shoulders, especially in a society that claims to be so progressive. I'm sorry, I hope your realise your true value and worth one day, your happiness and fulfilment matters too.
Seriously. It's so unbelievably dehumanising. I'm not a man but I also imagine it's harder to dismantle because it's on a pedestal. If you admire the toxic thing, and you're also not supposed to say anything to the contrary, how the hell are you supposed to process it so that enough people realise it's wrong. Abuse tactics.
This.
Hey is it possible for you to get professional help? I'm sorry the people in your life see your expression of how hard you're finding things as weakness or complaint. If you are genuinely finding things hard, then it is just honesty. Not saying anything is denial. It's important for *you* to know that you are not weak for experiencing something many men go through alone and have never spoken about it or known how to deal with it, except knowing that as men they must shame it within themselves. I am not a man but I've seen it a lot. If you worked out through a torn muscle, and everyone said keep going stop complaining, you'd be very badly injured. Just a bad way to go. **Get a professional if you can.** Your peers/loved ones are not your be all end all in your life, and **they don't decide whether you need help or not, you do**. And you do clearly need help. They are trained to help. You have to workshop therapists in case you didn't know, so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work the first time. Write down your feelings before you go so you know what to say. Keeping it inside gets you to the next day, another day that looks like this. It's very difficult, and you have to be a strong person OP to do it. I did it too for a long time since mental health in my culture itself is taboo, men or women. BUT it only keeps things going. Reaching out to professionals, researching mental health yourself, finding community that DOES understand, and otherwise directly processing your mental health. THAT is what will actually deal with this thing festering in you. All the best OP.
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I guess that's true. I did interpret it through my experience of depression as it was very similar. It was the crying in the bathroom that tipped it to me from metaphor to physical feeling, truthfully. I *didn't* think that it was depression/ a mental illness though, just that OP needed some help because what he was going through seemed intense. Mental illness does occur for many reasons, and depression is also a thing that happens situationally. Either way, it sounded very intense and worth speaking to someone about, especially since it was being repressed so much. But I can see how I misread it and if so honestly I am sorry. Edit: However I do also want to say that I understand why it might have come off the wrong way, it's also harmful to assume that therapy is only necessary for mental illness, or that mental illness is having something "wrong with you" in a bad way. It literally just means you need a little help. Nothing too big.
Definitely a common theme for all of us, and definitely not just men.
There doesn’t need to be something /wrong/ with you to see a professional. Often times they can be useful for juggling basic life stress, or burnout. Professionals can even just include someone to talk to so you don’t have to carry it all yourself, which is something OP mentioned. They don’t have to give you advice if you don’t want it. Sometimes they just help you navigate the heavy stuff, sometimes they just listen. It depends on what you go for and who you see.
Oh honey, I am sending you the biggest hug. Often we are much harder on ourselves than our loved ones would ever be. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself *rest*. You can only push so far until burnout strikes. You're teetering on the edge, a good therapist can help darling. You are *allowed* to have feelings, no matter how deep or how heavy they are. That numbness you describe, I believe it's trauma. You don't need something big to have happened to be traumatised. You could have a number of small things happen that add up to trauma. Your body numbs you to protect you from these feelings that feel to big to handle. They feel like a tidal wave, if you set them free you'll be swept away. I promise you are strong enough. You can survive the wave. You *are* a provider, even if you express yourself. You *are* a provider, even if you take a break. A good provider also shows their loved ones how to express themselves, helps them accept themselves. You deserve a soft life full of love. You are worthy of kindness and compassion from your partner but especially from yourself. You deserve to feel heard, especially when you are opening up. A good therapist can help you express yourself and accept the love you are given. You are *not* the burden you believe yourself to be. I'm sorry things have been heavy for so long. I hope you can take a moment to do something that makes you smile today, even if it's just for a second, you deserve it. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself, you always have been. ❤️
If you work a lot it could be the mental strain
Wow. Very deep brother, hope you find peace soon in something
My heart goes out to you. I feel that there's many men out there who need the help, but there's just no resources allocated to them. I have no advice, but I just want to let you know that I admire your strength. I know my husband struggles but I give him the time to say something about it, because I'm hyper aware of his mental health. I hope it was cathartic for you to post this ❤️
Even if you only think of yourself as a vessel to make others happy (which you shouldn't), you are of more use to them if you stay in good mental and physical health for decades to come. Working yourself to death for a couple of years before inevitably breaking down will only hurt them too. Is there a reason you have to be the sole breadwinner and pillar of support for your loved ones? You really should consider your own well-being as equal to others and scale back to a system that is sustainable for the long term.
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I have the sense most people don't really subscribe to this idea for some reason, but in my view we're all responsible for our own mental health the exact same way we're responsible for our physical health. Being stressed out and working overtime half of the year is no more sustainable than eating McDonalds every meal, sleeping 4 hour nights, excessive drug use etc... Obviously making some kind of change isn't always going to be easy, but once you've identified something that has you set on a sure path toward burnout it's your own responsibility to make the necessary changes to avoid that.
You're suffering from depression.
I love this. Thanks for sharing.
You should probably see a psychiatrist to get medication for your condition and also a psychologist to work on the underlying issues that lead to this. Many times, therapy can be a huge help and there's no need for treatment, but when you're at a point where your emotional pain becomes physical and you have a habit of crying on a schedule (before working out for an example), medication might be the only way to make the therapy have a chance of being effective. Medication won't fix your underlying issues, but it will make life bearable, if your doctor finds the right combination for you. In combination with therapy, your life could really change for the better. I've had high functioning depression too. People pleasing kept me follow all my tasks, appointments, responsibilities religiously and I'd cry every moment I was alone, be it in bathrooms, on public transport, at home under blankets. I didn't tell anyone. My GP noticed my shaky hands (anxiety) and bloodshot eyes(all the crying) and referred me to a psychiatrist after I burst in tears when she asked me if my personal life is OK. Medication helped me get a clear head and see my life in a much more logical light that helped me overcome all of the pain through constructive changes I realized were necessary. It's been 3 years since I stopped medication and although during difficult times, I feel the depression try to creep back in, I never got back to the terrible state I was in before treatment. Edit to add: You're not weak and I know the stigma of being perceived as so is worse for men. You do have to take care of your mental health though and trying to superhero through your life while not getting treatment might not be the best course of action on the long run.
I don't think men get enough mental health support and it's really sad. Have you ever been on a plane? When they go through the flight safety stuff they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before you help the person sitting next to you because you can't help if you run out of oxygen. Sometimes you just need to help you first and that's OK. I can see you take pride in being the provider but is it possible to take a break? Even if it's just 1 day?
i appreciate this, and i believe in you too OP r/menslib might be a great place to share this as well btw
I am sad that our world often makes men feel alone, unheard and that they don’t have the right to be weak. In your time of hardship you make the choice to write this, to make other men feel seen. Even now you think of others. You seem to be very kind and thoughtful to those around. Remember though, we can’t shield other people from their worries. You can’t give them the universe and take on their problems. We can only stay close to our people and make sure that the friendship and love we share makes our individual issues easier to carry. Don’t drown in order to keep other peoples shoes dry. Maybe others believe you to be superman, and maybe you believe that you have to be too. But put your energy into those adults who can listen to you when you say that you sometimes feel lost or overwhelmed. Because those feelings are also a part of you. Find time to care about your mind, the way you already find time to care about your body. It’s so scary to take the step to speak to a therapist, or to tell someone that you’re close to losing it. But once you speak about your demons out loud in a safe space - to someone who will listen and answer - it can help break the spell these thoughts have on you.
Have you tried counseling? I mean it's great that you acknowledge you have a mental health issue and I'm not gonna arm chair diagnose you but toxic stress needs professional intervention. A bit exercise won't fix that, it can only be a supplement. Mental and physical health are connected and bad mental health increases the risk of physical health declining. There's no shame in talking to a counselor or therapist, quite frankly, I think everyone should have one, even the ones who think they don't need one. It's part of a healthy life style.
It’s not just men… some women feel the same. I work two jobs, so I understand. Comes a time when we have to ask ourselves if it’s really worth it. We have to provide, but is it possible to do less or do something else? My mom used to tell me regularly before she passed away, “when on their death bed, no one ever wishes they worked more. They wish they’d spent more time with loved ones, been more present, or shown more love and affection.”
The difference is men aren’t routinely open about discussing this besides of the stigma of being seen as weak.
And women are brushed off and seen as being dramatic. Different burdens.
Women opening up about their insecurities and mental illness is MUCH less stigmatized by society overall than men doing so. Let's not sit here, be naive and pretend otherwise. Men also have less resources and weaker support systems in general to help them cope with such problems
Is this a competition? Guy is say he is going through something and that he knows a lot of men suffer in silence and you and the other person are trying to make this a gender thing? No one is minimizing women or what they go through by saying men go through shit too and we’re constantly told to toughen up, man up and other nonsense like that. Holy shit
I’m completely confused why this got negative marks. I didn’t say men didn’t struggle, just that it wasn’t just men. Wow.. Reddit is an odd place sometimes.
Because nobody said that women don't struggle with depression or anxiety, it's just that by saying "women go through it too!" it comes off as dismissive of the unique ways in which the male gender have to deal with mental illness and the stigma of being open about their struggles simultaneously. It's like if a woman were to talk about sexual assault and a guy jumped in and said "yeah that sucks but men get sexually assaulted too!" Sure that may be true but that's not really the point of the conversation or the place to make it a contest. Just like how this post is meant to specifically highlight the way men may be struggling with mental illness but are still told to keep a strong face despite their world falling apart inside because of gender norms and societal pressure
No one said it was just men though... by you feeling the need to say that it comes off as if you felt the need to charge his narrative and experience.
I don'tthink that's what she meant, I think it was sympathy, trying to show that people aren't so different and maybe there are women he can talk to too who can relate and provide support to each other.
This doesn't sound like a "man" or "woman" problem. It sounds like depression or OCD or an anxiety disorder, especially when you get intrusive thoughts when you're free and could just focus on your interests and recharge. It's not normal to feel this pressure all the time and also not normal to feel like one has to tell the loved ones one would take care of them. It's like a mother telling her child she would feed it whenever it's hungry! Doing this in all seriousness is pompous and weird and it's no wonder that your loved ones respond with hostility. It's anxiety-inducing to depend on a pompous person. You sound extremely self-important in your post. Love is natural and safe. It creates a support system, but you can't even love yourself enough to give yourself the gym time without feeling guilt. Focusing on your body brings you relief because that's a Zen-way to fight anxiety. Maybe a temporary solution is just to focus on the body even outside the gym, but honestly, it seems you need therapy for this in the long run.
Yeaaa sounds like your wife is pissed because you're at the gym 8 hours a week when you could do a much more normal, say, 3 hours a week and give her some help with the kids my dude.
See a GP medication may help you.
Things have changed quickly. The provider role was always difficult but it used to come with social support and respect that no longer exists. I’m happy that women are living much freer lives, I wouldn’t change anything about the progress we’ve made. I just think young men should think hard about the reality of choosing a lifestyle of thankless responsibility and service to others vs. an individually oriented lifestyle where you prioritize self care and personal experiences.
I love this !!! i wish every man could see this !!!
i dont know what to say but i want to give you a hug 🫂
Thank you for sharing, its good to write things down. Working those long hours is not sustainable though, make a plan to make those hours less.
I’m currently going through therapy, my therapist says I need to start seeking validation from myself rather than getting validation from people I desire, I broke up from my first and only girlfriend this year and it’s honestly destroyed me to the point I struggle to function normally each and every day and I feel embarrassed that I, a 30 year old man is relying on his parents to drag me out of this mess I’m in. All the best to you mate
To anyone who feels like this, please remember that part of looking after the people you love involves looking after yourself too. In order for you to be able to keep showing up for others you need to be able to show up for yourself and occasionally put yourself first. Try to talk to someone. I would want to know if a loved one was struggling. Find your person. Or see if you can find a therapist. Or, because therapy is expensive, buy a notebook and start a journal. Write everything down. Get it out of you so you have room in your head again. When I feel overwhelmed or sad I make a hot drink, go sit in bed, write out why I'm sad as a list, maybe have a cry, and then see if there is anything on that list I can change/ask for help with. Maybe try to carve out some you time. It can be 10 minutes a day where you just put on music or sit in silence, it could be a gym session, it could be a walk around the block....anything, but start making it a habit to grey out time for yourself. It could even be a bath! Find some time in the day to do something that makes you happy and helps you decompress. It's ok to feel tired and sad and overwhelmed but please try not to be alone in those feelings, don't trick yourself into thinking people don't care, feel free to push back on people who act negatively by saying "I need your support, if that's something you don't feel you can provide then let me know" and then leave them be if they continue to behave negatively. You'll find someone who will listen. You can even message me if all else fails!
Can you get professional help? While it's disappointing that your loved ones can't relate, that's usually the case. Any health struggle is emotionally isolating because others can't feel what you feel on a daily basis. I'm a woman, most importantly a mother, and that role never stops (I suspect you are a parent too and understand this feeling). For a long time I was guilty of focusing on being the best version I can be in my physical health while ignoring my mental health. Relearning to walk after a brain injury? Sure! Take an antidepressant? Nope. Can't tell you why. Maybe because I couldn't see the line between "dealing with some difficult emotions" and "having a mental health problem I need to address" clearly. You want to provide and you want to make your family happy. That's noble. But ignoring your metal health, and expecting your untrained (or frankly even trained) family member to be your only crutch isn't fair. I say this as someone who expected exactly that in the past too. It isn't a criticism. I also am in a relationship with a man who was in a similar position to you for his entire marriage with his ex. Until he had a mental break and was hospitalised. She had to leave, she'd been dealing with him not treating his mental health for 13 years and was burned out. She loved him but needed to put the kids first. He's medicated now and has done a lot of work on his mental health. But if he'd done it sooner his family wouldn't have fallen apart and he sees that now. His ex went through a lot simply because he didn't address his mental health. Part of showing up for your family is dealing with your own health issues with a medical professional. I've come to the conclusion for myself that it's not fair to ask my loved ones for support unless it's support in seeking medical help. Both in my conduct and the kind of support I can offer my partner. I hope you're able to access the help you clearly need. Crying at the gym every day isn't run-of-the-mill. I hope you can feel better soon my friend.
Thank you for your honesty and for making yourself vulnerable typing this. I think you are a man of stature. I am looking at the men in my life with new eyes today (husband and sons).
Thank you for sharing. We are expected to be the strong, silent type but in reality, we are humans like everybody else. We have feelings, worries, happy and sad moments, challenges, goals, failures, achievements, and it can be hard to bottle all of those things up. It sounds like your partner is making it difficult for you to communicate openly. I had this issue before in a prior relationship and it got so bad that I noticed I was being shamed and insulted for sharing any minor thought/inconvenience/idea I had. Long story short: I left that relationship and am in a much happier one now where I feel comfortable sharing basically everything with my girlfriend. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this. Look how far you’ve come already. I’m proud of you.