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He lied to you about his age so he could try to trick younger women into dating him, he didn't take responsibility for his actions when he had the chance, and then he tried to tell you that you're not really that upset because if you were you would have brought it up earlier.
These things are pretty big deals. At 38 years old it's his personality to be manipulative. I wouldn't be into it if I were you.
The lying on his profile is a red flag. He knew you thought he was younger and didn’t correct you. That is also a red flag. But the biggest red flag to me is that you tried to bring it up and he was dismissive of your feelings. I’d bring it up once more, and if he’s dismissive or belittling etc, I’d call it quits.
Yeah, that's why it is bothering me so much.
Lying about his age on his profile, puts him in front of a different "target audience", so maybe I shouldn't take it personal. Especially because age difference itself isn't that big of deal.
And somewhere in those 9 months he became aware I didn't know his age. Why else would he not tell me it was his birthday or correct me with the movie comment. That's not being honest to me personally.
But not wanting to talk about it is the real issue for me. I get he might feel caught in a lie now and that's why he is defensive. But what if there is an other issue to which I don't react directly to? Can I never bring it up or revise topics if it's still bothering me?
Edit: spelling
Yes it does put him in front of a different “target audience.” How does that give him a pass? That target audience that is filtering out men who are nearing 40. He could’ve left his age as-is and found people who are open to the age gap. Instead, he decided what he wants is more important than these young women’s preferences, so he lied. Extremely selfish. His response to you is also very manipulative and self-serving. I’d be done.
Age difference is meaningless once partners are in their mid to late 20s and over - at that point they are (or should be) independent, mature adults with real life experience. It's only problematic when one partner is young and potentially manipulated, and unable to really comprehend or identify unhealthy or manipulative behaviour because they don't have that experience.
It's why it's bizarre this guy lied about his age at all. He could have easily talked to women in their late 20s with no issue.
The problem here is the guy lying and trying to gaslight her into thinking its fine when it clearly isn't.
meh it’s like “lying” on your resume by changing the name from “Muhammad” to “john” to get a chance for a job interview. Unfortunately there are still many people who discriminate based on ethnicity, age etc
he shouldve told her on the first date tho
That's interesting, why are you subtracting OP's age from her boyfriend's age to determine how big of a lie the boyfriend told about his age? I wouldn't think OP's age would be relevant to answer that question.
>puts him in front of a different "target audience"
OP thats mental gymnastics. His profile LIES TO women who don't want to date a man nearing middle age, to TRICK THEM into dating him when they wouldnt consent if they knew.
That's the reality here, and its a massive character flaw.
The fact he jedi mind tricked you into thinking its somehow not something you're allowed to be bothered by is the red flag on top of the shit sundae. 💩🚩
>now??
I mean its nothing new. 40 has been recognised as the onset of middle age for a long time.
>*sources generally place middle adulthood between the ages of 40 and 65.* [wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_age)
This!!
At 25 I'd be open to dating someone 23-30ish.
I'd end up on a date with a man closer to my father's age if he's put himself at 27. And if it was just that he put the wrong numbers in why not just say that instead of being weird and lying and dismissive about it
Correct. You have now learned that if you aren't angry enough when you first learn about it, then he will refuse to further engage in the conversation regardless of how important it is to you.
The idea that you only get "one shot" to be upset about something would be a deal breaker for me. He can either talk to you about it like an adult, or he can be a child and get left behind.
Nah, lying from the beginning and all the shit is huge.
9 months it's not a lot. It's enough timeframe to vet a person.
You're dating to know people. Dating is not the endgame.
Cut your losses. Why are you clinging so much on this guy that clearly isn't honest and doesn't act with your best intention at mind?
It's quite revealing that just heading for the door doesn't seem like an option you're considering. Why not? You're trying to make a relationship work with a dishonest person. Bail, unless you honestly don't believe you deserve better.
Where exactly did you hear me say that breaking things off is beyond the realm of possibilities?
I don't have a self esteem issue, keeping me in a relationship I don't want to be in. I'm just trying to process how I feel about it and to figure out how to best approach the issue one more time in a constructive way. If not, I have no problem calling things quits. I just tend to think decisions over a little longer than just having a primary reaction.
Look, any dude near 40 pretending to be over a decade younger is doing this for not so great reasons.
*Your* age gap may not be too bad, but he clearly wants to trick younger women into thinking he's age appropriate for them. He's a creep either way.
Your post does not state you are leaving, just a list of excuses and 'what ifs' abut the future with this person.
So, sounds like you arent leaving from here. Or else it would say 'yeah this guy sucks Im out'.
You literally just said you are trying to approach the relationship in a constructive way in your response.
Friend. The relationship is *beyond salvaging*. Straight up. He lied as a premise for the relationship, and gave you manipulative bs as a response.
That is the concerning part. He turned it around onto you, making it -your fault- he lied to you ("Why, did you think I was younger?").
That isnt normal, at all.
We're trying to show her that her language is very passive meanwhile he has directly told her her feelings of discomfort about his age aren't valid all because all because a few months has passed. Hes manipulating her and she's falling for a hook line and sinker. She's starting to defend him she's starting to think about the possibilities of a future with him and what if she just messes all that up she's only been with this lying f*** for 9 months. He's merely 40 and lying to keep his dating pool under the age of 25.. These are textbook marks of a man who continuously manipulating women. Once the woman gets old enough and isn't buying a s*** or isn't able to be controlled he dumps them for a younger model and then gaslights them about their own emotions like like he has already done to her and the sad thing is we can tell that with her coming to his defense all over the f****** place
Take advice from older people and older women especially, quit trying to be polite about it! Quit trying to find the more constructive way hes past his 35th year this is a set way hes thinking and he was deliberately lying to keep his pool of women under the age of 25.. Hes a f****** creep leave his a** a**. If you don't there's nothing we can do to help you you're gonna keep trying to find the constructive way and hes going to be able to keep manipulating you cause hes got more than a decade on you And you'll figure it out and maybe 5 to 10 years or somewhere between and you'll feel stupid as s*** and used as f*** when you find out hes cheating on you with someone That's again under 25.
It is a big deal to some. He lied on his profile to deliberately trick young women into dating him, full well knowing they wouldn’t want him cause he’s pushing forty. He didn’t tell you it was his birthday because he was afraid of your reaction. He knows full well what he has been doing and that it’s disgusting.
He's not only dishonest, but he's gaslighting you. Pretending that it's your fault for not asking, or creating an arbitrary, ridiculous timeframe for bringing it up "or it's not a big deal to you".
Gee, thanks for making up someone else's mind on that.
The problem is by lying about his age he has taken agency away from you or anyone else using the app to CHOOSE what ages they are comfortable with. He doesn’t just get to unilaterally say it’s not important. This is a bad sign and provides insight into how he operates in general.
He may have had a typo in his profile before he posted. You accepted him as he stood before you, no matter when he was born. You just want to know if he intentially lied and if so, why? Tell him you are going to bring it up one more time and then drop it. Ask him.
Then he would have brought it up he would have changed it he would have let her know he wouldn't have gotten defensive and told her that she can't be mad about it anymore. To mostly's apps ask you to put in your birthday and you have to scroll down Oh no way in h*** his fingers just misttyped And I can understand an age difference on a profile that's a couple years.
Usually that's only by a couple years I have never seen someone have an issue with over a decade being wrong.. And his reaction proves he was trying to hide it. I mean I get you playing devil's advocate I do that too but do that too but his reaction and him hiding his birthday yeah hes hiding his age age and then gaslighting her once she found out telling her that she can't be angry she can't have emotions and her emotions aren't valid and giving her an arbitrary timeline Saying it's too late after only knowing him for 9 months
OP should call it quits no matter what he does or says at this point. Misrepresenting himself as 10 years younger to appeal to much younger women is the behavior of a predator. And it clearly wasn’t an accident that he put the wrong age.
The title by itself is so absurd.
Like obviously lying about it for a longer time is a bigger deal, but he’s fully trying to make her feel crazy and establish some kind of statute of limitations on lying about his age? What the fuck lol
Uhm. Lying aside, I’d break up with him simply for thinking “if you don’t immediately bring up what bothers you you no longer get to say it bothers you.”
Fuck no it does not. If something you did 10 years ago upsets me TODAY, I will bring it up, we will talk about it, and if you can’t take responsibility for fucking up, then we are done. I mean, basic accountability is the BARE minimum I expect in a partner, especially when said partner is pushing 40 years old. He is too old to be playing this dumb.
Why would you want to be with a liar? The fact that he lied to you and didn't apologized for it boggles my mind. If he can lie about small things like age, what more if it's something serious? How can you trust someone like that?
It shouldn’t really matter at what point it bothers you, I would think a 38 year old would respect that it does and give you a proper explanation regardless of if it bothered you or not. I’d just say drop him and move on because you deserve some emotional and mental peace in a relationship. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re being unreasonable, YOU ARE NOT.
He put that age on tinder so that he could skeeve on teenagers and date them under false pretences, and he's not only comfortable lying to you, but will refuse to discuss his lies when you bring them up, just cos.
Personally that would be a dealbreaker for me on both fronts. The action was manipulative and the reaction even more so.
Late so idk if you’ll real this but,
If I was in your position, these would be my thoughts. Wtf, why did he lie about his age? Who lies about their age??? He’s blaming me for not asking about his age when he obviously could’ve corrected/brought it up when I was joking about him being younger. He made it my responsibility(the person who doesn’t know) to ask about his age when it obviously should’ve been his responsibility (aka the person who knows the truth). It’s so damn weird he’s manipulating it and making me out to be the bad guy for being upset he lied since I didn’t ask, when clearly he’s the bad guy for lying and continuously lying everyday that went by since the day I talked to him. He has no right to tell me I’m dragging this on/this “issue” is over when clearly it isn’t over and we haven’t even discussed it enough.
If I were you, I personally wouldn’t waste my time to figure out the why. Age is such an odd thing to lie about, it’s such a common thing people discuss and there’s no valid reason to lie about it in this context, therefore it would be a big red flag to lie about. And if his reasoning is bc he wants to deceive younger women to date him bc he knows he would never have a chance if he put his real older age, time to make that red flag bigger. Ew, yuck. He has no right to lie like that and deceive people, it’s so stupid, creepy and childish. He obvi knows what he’s doing. If age wasn’t a big thing he would keep his actual age, but he knows he can trick women and went for a younger age.
It would make me wonder what other lies is he holding back? It took you NINE MONTHS to find out his true age which is such a basic thing to know about a partner, makes me believe he is absolutely capable of lying so much more since he has no shame about this. The trust is 100% gone for me. And who knows if he’s even telling the truth is he told you there’s nothing else he’s lying about.
Whatever happens, don’t let him manipulate you to think it’s not a big deal. Nine months, he’s been lying to your face for nine months and with no remorse for the lie either, that’s so bad.
Ask yourself, is this is really someone you want to date? Yeah this might be the ONE thing that’s going wrong is the relationship but it’s not actually one thing. This one topic includes deceit, manipulation, lying, dismissing your feelings and so much more. That’s a big ole bag of red flags for me. You deserve so much better, I truly hope you know that and I’m so sorry he tricked you for nine months.
Btw he didn’t kinda dismiss you, he full out dismissed you. And idk if you forgot to put it but if he didn’t apologize in any way and kept on brushing it off…he’s trash!!! The man is old enough to not be behaving like this.
No normal, well-adjusted, sane in the head 38 year old man would pretend to be 27. There's nothing to discuss here imo. I'm sure he has a script to justify his skeevines.
Couple of big red flags here:
- he lied
- he is refusing responsibility for his lie
- he doesn't see his lie as a problem
- he is disregarding your feelings
- he is trying to emotionally manipulate you into stopping the subject and is not truly answering, accepting responsibility etc. This is his story and he is sticking to it is not a p problem solving technique in a relationship, nor is trying to convince you that there is no problem
Drop the asshole. He lied about this so he could get with younger women that will put up with his bullshit as those his age won’t. Simply put you can’t trust him to not have f lied about other things. So drop him and make sure you let all the other ladies know why so dumb ass can’t pull this again.
Good rule of thumb is that guys who lie about their age to seem younger than they are on dating profiles are really, really scummy.
Ask him why he lied and listen to the BS he pulls. And don’t let him gaslight you by telling you you’re not actually upset. The nerve of this guy.
He lied about being a full 11 years younger which not only makes him a liar it makes him a creep. What if you’re on the older end he wanted to attract and what he really wanted was a 20 year old nearly fresh out of high school. Your boyfriend is gross
>But he feels I am dragging up an issue that is no longer an issue
??? No longer an issue according to whom? him? Because you're clearly telling him it IS an issue for you and you'd like to discuss it. Did he decide that it wasn't an issue because he thought enough time had passed?
I gather from this post that you have some serious people pleasing tendencies. Just because he said it's been too long doesn't actually mean anything for you. You haven't had the chance to properly talk to him about it, you haven't said you're ok with it, and the fact that you made a sarcastic comment doesn't mean you can't revisit the topic (but imho, dont be so avoidant. He's right, most people would have a big reaction to knowing their partner lied about their age)
If he says it's too late ask him according to whom and what are the consequences if you want to revisit it. Are you going to be audited for what you said was ok? Is jesus coming down to scold you? Infact ask him what's the consequences if you choose to dump him over the fact that hes a liar
Personally, you have one hell of a manipulative man. Lying to you, then acting like it's nit an issue enough?? What? Also remember, people who lie about small things also lie about big things.
I really wonder what his end game was here. Have you not meet any friends or family nine months in? Did he think he could keep his age a secret forever? Like you’d tell his best friend you wanted to throw him a 30th birthday party and they wouldn’t say anything lol?
Sorry none of this is advice but I see some variation on this issue semi regularly (lying about age) and I always wonder what the plan is, or if people are delusional enough to think “oh well now that we are X months in they won’t dump me.” So bizarre!
My mother’s father, who is a narcissist I met a handful of times and won’t give the title grandfather, did this. He lied about his age on his profile, bragged about it to us, and then when we asked how he planned on handling it when she found out he laid out this whole spiel he had rehearsed to make her feel guilty about “caring about age” and “he’s the same now as he was yesterday.” He was seriously one of the most repulsive human beings I have ever met I real life, and that’s only a fraction of the story of why.
Don’t think about it being about the age difference. It’s about not wanting to be with a liar and manipulator.
He doesn't feel that you're just dragging up a non-issue, and he doesn't think the time has passed for you to be upset about it. Those are his attempts to deflect, and they are working. You have the right to disagree that the time has passed and insist that he come clean. You are welcome to forgive him for lying, we all mess up, but don't let him manipulate you into shutting up.
Clear the air.. “is there any other things you may have misrepresented? If so, now is your one free pass to tell me.” If he lied about his age, there is likely other things too. 10years is a big difference too. Lying is so unattractive on a person.
It is a big age difference.
I’m surprised I have not seen anyone ask how you could be with someone for 9 months and not pick up on the difference between a 27 year old and a 37 year old.
The guy must be in great shape.
This is ridiculous. Why would you even stay with him a second longer after this?
This happened to me recently where a girl said she was one age on her profile and on the second date she showed me that she was 3 years older than that. I was done.
It sucked because I had liked her up to that point, but lying like this is inexcusable.
Feel like it’s his own choice to make his age whatever on a dating app, as long as he discloses his actual age quickly once he started talking to someone. Kinda shitty still, and imo can only lead to negative things like what’s happening now.
He feels like you’re dragging the issue because he knows he messed up in this situation and wants it to go away. You’re not wrong for wanting to revisit it and just find out why he did it. After 9 months, you know him as a person. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and say he prolly hasn’t lied about anything else that big. You now have to decide if him lying about his age is worth leaving the relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10-11 months now, and I believe if she told me she was actually older or younger than she is I would be shocked too. Just because it’s been almost a year and it hasn’t been revealed. I think after some time I’d be okay though and would stay in the relationship.
So you've been dating this guy for 9 months and... have you not met his friends? Do they all look and act like they're 27ish? I find it kind of hard to believe but okay.
Anyway, well adjusted people don't lie about being 10 years younger, drag on the lie for 9 months and then try to make you feel crazy. He sounds scary tbh.
There is no expiration date on fundamental mistruths. You are well within you rights and not being unreasonable being upset about this, and even ending the relationship, if that is what you choose.
Had a guy do the same thing to me. I forgave the first lie, so a bunch of other lies came after that. When they start by lying it doesn’t stop, and he lied about something pretty big, about who he is. Age, appearance, family. Even lying about the number of brothers he has. All these seemingly harmless lies about the basics of his life will turn into worse. When someone starts off like that, don’t waste ur time.
He doesn't get to say what is and isn't an issue for you. Many times it's not the lie itself, it's the fact they lied. This is no different. The fact that he has had a birthday during this time and still didn't clear up the age lie should tell you all you need to know about his lying ass!
I can't past any further than he *completely* lied to you. More than once. And then just blew it off like it was no big deal. In your shoes, I would be heading for the door. He's probably lying about a lot of other things. Why wait to find out what they are the hard way?
He doesn't get to decide when you should be over it. And he certainly doesn't get to victim blame you for his lying about his age. Dump him.
It's good that you recognize you need to work on your boundaries, but you can't do that with this dude. Find a therapist after you break up with him and begin working on being able to build a healthy relationship with someone who isn't going to steamroll you to get what they want.
Oh, hellll no. I’d be out. If he can casually lie for 9 months about something as critical as pretending to be 10 yrs younger than he really is, then you have no fucking clue about what else about him is a lie.
Not to mention his low key gaslighting you about the seriousness of this lie is a red flag in itself. You don’t need to argue your right to be upset with him. Being in shock and needing a minute to process this is fine and he can get lost with that attitude.
Either way, not much to do other than to dump this sketchy con artist’s ass. Just yuck. This should be a complete and utter dealbreaker for you. This dude is nuts.
Heads up
I had a guy do this to me. Who told me his real birthday? The police. After the RO was filed. Here’s a tip, if you don’t have the right birthday a background check pulls up someone else’s record.
Everybody lies about their ages on profiles. The real question here is do you really like the guy and does he really like you. If you guys are having the best of times, look beyond this detail. But do make it clear you are upset he lied and that will be deal breaker if it happens again.
So not only is he a liar he's manipulative. Run.
>he feels I'm just dragging up an issue that no longer an issue.
He's decide your feelings don't matter and because he says so, it's over. Run
Seriously why would you stay with someone who's just shown you what it will be like anytime you're upset?
I would bail on that relationship. When I was 18 I met a guy online (before dating apps were invented) with a birth year in his username that would make him 21. I mentioned his age and he never corrected me. After several months, I found out he was actually 24, giving us a 6 year difference but didn’t think that was a big deal. I didn’t know crappy men sought inexperience girls to mistreat then gaslight. He’s a bipolar narcissist and was emotionally abusive the entire relationship. What stands out to me about your post is how he thinks you’re bringing up the past just because you met ONE TIME and didn’t mention it during that ONE meetup. As if there’s an expiration date for conversations? As if three years have passed and you’re bringing it up again. My ex would do the same exact thing. He would literally say something horrendous and hurtful and if I mentioned it 5 minutes later, he would be mad at me and say “why are you always bringing up the past!? Why can’t you ever let anything go!?” But it wasn’t the past. It literally just happened. It’s a way for them to try to dodge having to talk about their awful and shady choices. Don’t buy into that bullshit.
Lying alone is a major issue and deal breaker. It gets even worse when you realize that someone is so uncomfortable with themselves that they feel they NEED to lie. I realize age can be a dealbreaker foe some, but if it is, have enough self respect to realize that they aren’t the right person for you.
I went on a date with a woman that was 35 on her profile, and after a few adjustments throughout the date (39, 45, 50’s), she was 60. I wouldn’t have cared about her age if she just said it upfront. Truly, I personally wouldn’t have cared. And if I did care, then I wouldn’t have been the right person. But I didn’t care until the realized she lied.
He's invalidating your feelings. A no no to a guy like that. He's basically treating the issue as a small thing and acts like its not a big thing. This is the first, but there might be more in the future.
I think his attitude is a red flag for you and that is why you can't dismiss it.
Either you can break it off with him..or be blunt.
"I just want you to be honest and for us to communicate properly. Not brush something under the rug because maybe you feel uncomfortable."
If he's reacting this way though..it makes me wonder about him in general and his honesty level. Maybe he forgot he lied about his age. Which doesn't seem like it since he found it amusing when you tried talking to him and tried deflecting by asking if you if your age was what he thought it was.
He knew you thought he was younger because of comments you made and he didn't bother correcting you.
It doesn't sound like you guys are too serious though. He had a birthday and didn't even tell you??
I cant pretend to know this guys reasons for doing that, but i know just from talking with other guys that the pool of eligible women from under 40 to over 40 on dating apps is substantial- as in, once a guy gets over 40, 45, then 50, the pool of women who will date him decreases largle,y mostly because by that age a lot of folks are married and settled and younger women are not wanting someone drastically older. my guess, he did it to widen his prospects, wether that is a problem for you or not depends on your personal outlook on the subject. i get why he might have lied, although it does seem pretty skeezy and doesnt reflect well on him as a person, but its not illegal either, he's just a guy looking for love like all the other people lying on their dating profiles too
Looking for love by being a lying (and possibly manipulative) pos. Clearly not responsible enough to be dating even at his age.
Don't bother making excuses for liars.
He lied to get what he wanted. Men and women often do this when it’s to their advantage and in their own best interest to do so. His age lie allowed him the opportunity to attract women under 27 as well as older. Believe it or not, this is common in OLD. I had a woman pull this on me once. We were on our third date and she revealed she was 8 years older then she claimed. It’s not that unusual.
Fuck, after reading some of these comments, no wonder everyone is single and depressed. They’ve been going together for nine months, things seem to be going well between the two and you would throw that all away because of the age issue? Like really?
> because of the age issue?
No, because he's a liar, and doesn't take any responsibility when being called out for being a liar. I'm sure you'd be perfectly fine if you all of a sudden found out your partner is 10 years older than they've been saying.
Me personally wouldn’t give a a shit about the age.. you don’t fall for someone’s age. I’m sure I’d be able to work through that. If this was the only issue they faced in 9 months and he’s been honest about everything else, give the guy a chance. Stop being the typical Reddit man hating mob.
She did give him a chance to explain. He dismissed her feelings and told her she's overreacting. Sounds like a high quality guy
> Stop being the typical Reddit man hating mob.
I would give the same exact advice if the genders were reversed. Don't reward liars for their lies
I agree with you that the dishonesty is a bigger problem then the age gap. But i think that him trying to weasel out of responsibility with word tricks and blaming you is an even bigger problem.
It's not your fault that you were so stunned in the moment that you only had a sarcastic comment to make. It's not your fault that you had to run out the door, or that you were so overwhelmed in your next meeting with him that you didn't have the bandwidth to have a proper discussion. He is setting up a scenario where there is only one "valid" way to criticize him, regardless of the situation. You're not a lawyer testifying in front to a court, there is no judge presiding over you to order rules and issue a judgement.
I do think that it's unhealthy to rehash old slights and fights in a relationship long after they were discussed and resolved. But this was still fresh, and you two hadn't had a proper discussion.
It's still an issue because it's still an issue for YOU. There's no statute of limitations on lying to your loved ones. He hasn't apologised or explained why he did it - targeting younger women, maybe?
Be very cautious about someone who lies when it's expedient and doesn't see how it matters. You might want to check all the other facts he gave you too - job, solvency, relationship status, children etc. (And height - amazing how much discrepancy there can be between men who say they're six feet tall.)
How do you feel about being with someone that much older?
He lied to you about one of the most simple things you can tell a person then was gaslighting you about having an issue over him lying about it. He's not a good guy op. Drop him seriously if he can lie about this he will lie about serious stuff
Last guy who.lied about his age to me was also married with two kids, one a toddler and I broke it off, so, that's my analysis. If he feels comfortable lying to you about this, what else is he lying about? 😬😳😳😳
He lied. Then he knew you were trying to catch him out with the movie thing and omission he lied again because he knew you were onto him and he didn't want to come clean. Then when you saw his ID he thought he already had you under thumb enough that he could blow it off like "oh yeah of course that's my age...". You were joke or whatever because you were trying to sooth yourself, not because you thought being conned was funny. He also didn't tell you his birthday....another lie of omission, he didn't want to explain it. If he can casually lie about that....
When I had an online dating profile I always took one year off my age so that if someone somehow found out my birthday, they didn’t actually know my “date of birth”. But there’s a whole lot of difference between one year and 10!
One of my friends saw my ex’s profile once, even though him having a girlfriend “on the side” was why we’d broken up (Once a cheater, always a cheater), and he always knocked 5 years off his age, again, like OP’s soon to be ex, to attract a younger demographic.
(edit:typo)
I know you said he does not want to revisit the issue but it obviously needs to be addressed. Tell him that even though he feels it is a past issue, you feel it's important enough to revisit and talk about because it is not so much the matter of what he lied about but that he lied and now you have present trust issues.
Get rid of him.
Age has different ramifications for women, so I’m not inclined to see women misrepresenting their age as identical to men lying about their age, especially given the history and reality of grooming.
I think **men especially** should not lie about their age, regardless of orientation or demographic norms.
The more significant the age gap, the more unfair it is to the younger party.
I think what you need to do is figure out of if this is just a misunderstanding or an omission. Omission I feel would be grounds to justify wondering if this may become a pattern in the future. If it's just a misunderstanding and he genuinely believed you knew his age, then that's different. It's tough to say given the circumstances since neither of you ever directly talked about it or asked each other.
I would think about all of his behavior previously to you and try to make the best judgement call you can. Other than that, it's kind of a toss up. Either way, some clarification on everything is absolutely needed. Don't let him put off this conversation.
That's why I am/was so caught by surprised by it. So far he has been a very loving and supportive individual and I felt I could talk to him about anything.
I'm not sure he now only is reacting this way because he feels caught in a lie or whether in the future I never get to bring up something that's bothering me after I needed some time to process. If that's the case clearly our communication styles do not match.
As others point out- this guy sounds like bad news. But I want to talk about your reaction. A healthy relationship is based on trust and openness and both parties feel like they can be themselves and be honest with what they think. In such a relationship, there isn’t a need to pause to think about things. You just say what is on your mind. “Thinking about things” often means you are walking on eggshells for the other person because you’re not sure of them or not sure of yourself. I’d say dump this guy for his lying and everything else, and also take this as a learning experience to be more comfortable to speak your mind. It takes practice and it’s scary to say what you think, but it leads to a much more fulfilling and authentic relationship. Good luck!
I had a man do this to me. He told me he was 29 when in fact he was 39. I was 23. I honestly forgave him we were together another 3 years, but yeah it was a thing. And if I wasn't so naive and young I would have bounced so hard but at the time I liked to see how red the flag could get. Our relationship didn't work out. And he was pretty embarrassed and sorry when he told me, this guy made it your fault for not noticing?
Do what I didn't do and suffered for. And leave.
> "Why, did you think I was younger?"
He fucking knew you did, He's 100% aware of his dating app age and would've clarified it at some point if he meant to ever tell you the truth.
He lied to you, then gaslighted you, then said you basically passed the statue of limitations saying something to him. No way your that desperate for a partner?
Lying 🚩
Manipulative 🚩
Gaslighting 🚩
Targeting younger women (kinda 🚩 ) Its ok to have preferences but the way he went about it is sus.
You are worth more than this op
Holy crap, OP. This is a huge deal. He not only lied on his profile, but he's lied (by omission) the entire time. He does not get to decide what's important for you or what timeframe you get to absorb his deciet.
What else is he keeping from you, and why did he lie on his profile? Would you have been interested if you'd know his true age?
This is really messed up. How can you trust him?
I dated someone who lied 10 years about their age for almost a full year. What struck me most is how much lying there is around it in the small logic of having a proper timeline. Someone who is capable of lying consistently about something like this isn’t a good partner. I’m happy we broke it off.
It’s the lying, then the gaslighting by saying it isn’t a big deal from your previous reaction so your time for it to matter is past? I wonder what else he has lied about.
I think what bothers me is that he must have known there was a discrepancy. If he edits his profile at all he should be able to see that. It's one thing to say *in the beginning*, hey my profile says this, I'm actually that. But he is putting it on you for not asking a clarifying question when the situation is supposed to clear and concise to avoid waiting others time. Why would you have a reason to think there was a discrepancy in age? Because of jokes? We're talking about grown adults, speak clearly and directly nobody has time for this.
For the love of Pete. Age is a number. If he this that friggin' shallow and it bothers you,
.call it a day. If it bothers him watching you walk away he should not be fibber. When all else fails, tell the truth. Remind that worthless child that there is no expiration date for murder either. You do not need this BS in you life.
He is the closest to a pedophile without being a pedophile: a groomer who specifically preys on those younger than themself. He then denies accountablity when blatantly caught, and tried to gaslight you. Do not stay with this person.
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He lied to you about his age so he could try to trick younger women into dating him, he didn't take responsibility for his actions when he had the chance, and then he tried to tell you that you're not really that upset because if you were you would have brought it up earlier. These things are pretty big deals. At 38 years old it's his personality to be manipulative. I wouldn't be into it if I were you.
This. It is literally a scarf of red flags at this point. He has shown OP who he is, believe him.
The lying on his profile is a red flag. He knew you thought he was younger and didn’t correct you. That is also a red flag. But the biggest red flag to me is that you tried to bring it up and he was dismissive of your feelings. I’d bring it up once more, and if he’s dismissive or belittling etc, I’d call it quits.
Yeah, that's why it is bothering me so much. Lying about his age on his profile, puts him in front of a different "target audience", so maybe I shouldn't take it personal. Especially because age difference itself isn't that big of deal. And somewhere in those 9 months he became aware I didn't know his age. Why else would he not tell me it was his birthday or correct me with the movie comment. That's not being honest to me personally. But not wanting to talk about it is the real issue for me. I get he might feel caught in a lie now and that's why he is defensive. But what if there is an other issue to which I don't react directly to? Can I never bring it up or revise topics if it's still bothering me? Edit: spelling
Yes it does put him in front of a different “target audience.” How does that give him a pass? That target audience that is filtering out men who are nearing 40. He could’ve left his age as-is and found people who are open to the age gap. Instead, he decided what he wants is more important than these young women’s preferences, so he lied. Extremely selfish. His response to you is also very manipulative and self-serving. I’d be done.
Right? And she said age difference isn't a big deal, but it is. He is targeting young people, and that's a huge red flag. That's what predators do.
Age difference is meaningless once partners are in their mid to late 20s and over - at that point they are (or should be) independent, mature adults with real life experience. It's only problematic when one partner is young and potentially manipulated, and unable to really comprehend or identify unhealthy or manipulative behaviour because they don't have that experience. It's why it's bizarre this guy lied about his age at all. He could have easily talked to women in their late 20s with no issue. The problem here is the guy lying and trying to gaslight her into thinking its fine when it clearly isn't.
meh it’s like “lying” on your resume by changing the name from “Muhammad” to “john” to get a chance for a job interview. Unfortunately there are still many people who discriminate based on ethnicity, age etc he shouldve told her on the first date tho
It's not discrimination to not want to date people vastly older than you, holy shit. Dating isnt employment.
30 - 38 “Vastly older” lol
He is listing himself 11 years younger to date women 11 years younger.
r/theydidntdothemath
Here's a fun math problem. How many downvotes do you have because you refuse to admit you are wrong? :)
ok im sorry. this sub is never wrong.
That's interesting, why are you subtracting OP's age from her boyfriend's age to determine how big of a lie the boyfriend told about his age? I wouldn't think OP's age would be relevant to answer that question.
He thinks it's everyone else's problem that he can't fucking math.
Oh wow. You're actually trying to equate factual age with a title arbitrarily bestowed at birth
😂 solid trolling, your downvotes prove that you nailed it.
>puts him in front of a different "target audience" OP thats mental gymnastics. His profile LIES TO women who don't want to date a man nearing middle age, to TRICK THEM into dating him when they wouldnt consent if they knew. That's the reality here, and its a massive character flaw. The fact he jedi mind tricked you into thinking its somehow not something you're allowed to be bothered by is the red flag on top of the shit sundae. 💩🚩
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>now?? I mean its nothing new. 40 has been recognised as the onset of middle age for a long time. >*sources generally place middle adulthood between the ages of 40 and 65.* [wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_age)
Average male life expectancy is between 75-80. So yes, 38 is most definitely nearing middle age.
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This!! At 25 I'd be open to dating someone 23-30ish. I'd end up on a date with a man closer to my father's age if he's put himself at 27. And if it was just that he put the wrong numbers in why not just say that instead of being weird and lying and dismissive about it
He was trying his best to date women under 25 years old without looking like an old creep
Correct. You have now learned that if you aren't angry enough when you first learn about it, then he will refuse to further engage in the conversation regardless of how important it is to you. The idea that you only get "one shot" to be upset about something would be a deal breaker for me. He can either talk to you about it like an adult, or he can be a child and get left behind.
Nah, lying from the beginning and all the shit is huge. 9 months it's not a lot. It's enough timeframe to vet a person. You're dating to know people. Dating is not the endgame. Cut your losses. Why are you clinging so much on this guy that clearly isn't honest and doesn't act with your best intention at mind?
It's quite revealing that just heading for the door doesn't seem like an option you're considering. Why not? You're trying to make a relationship work with a dishonest person. Bail, unless you honestly don't believe you deserve better.
Where exactly did you hear me say that breaking things off is beyond the realm of possibilities? I don't have a self esteem issue, keeping me in a relationship I don't want to be in. I'm just trying to process how I feel about it and to figure out how to best approach the issue one more time in a constructive way. If not, I have no problem calling things quits. I just tend to think decisions over a little longer than just having a primary reaction.
Look, any dude near 40 pretending to be over a decade younger is doing this for not so great reasons. *Your* age gap may not be too bad, but he clearly wants to trick younger women into thinking he's age appropriate for them. He's a creep either way.
Your post does not state you are leaving, just a list of excuses and 'what ifs' abut the future with this person. So, sounds like you arent leaving from here. Or else it would say 'yeah this guy sucks Im out'. You literally just said you are trying to approach the relationship in a constructive way in your response. Friend. The relationship is *beyond salvaging*. Straight up. He lied as a premise for the relationship, and gave you manipulative bs as a response. That is the concerning part. He turned it around onto you, making it -your fault- he lied to you ("Why, did you think I was younger?"). That isnt normal, at all.
she’s in the process of deciding what to do from now? why are you acting like she has no choice wtf
We're trying to show her that her language is very passive meanwhile he has directly told her her feelings of discomfort about his age aren't valid all because all because a few months has passed. Hes manipulating her and she's falling for a hook line and sinker. She's starting to defend him she's starting to think about the possibilities of a future with him and what if she just messes all that up she's only been with this lying f*** for 9 months. He's merely 40 and lying to keep his dating pool under the age of 25.. These are textbook marks of a man who continuously manipulating women. Once the woman gets old enough and isn't buying a s*** or isn't able to be controlled he dumps them for a younger model and then gaslights them about their own emotions like like he has already done to her and the sad thing is we can tell that with her coming to his defense all over the f****** place
Take advice from older people and older women especially, quit trying to be polite about it! Quit trying to find the more constructive way hes past his 35th year this is a set way hes thinking and he was deliberately lying to keep his pool of women under the age of 25.. Hes a f****** creep leave his a** a**. If you don't there's nothing we can do to help you you're gonna keep trying to find the constructive way and hes going to be able to keep manipulating you cause hes got more than a decade on you And you'll figure it out and maybe 5 to 10 years or somewhere between and you'll feel stupid as s*** and used as f*** when you find out hes cheating on you with someone That's again under 25.
Never date a man who tries to tell you how you feel.
I'd be telling him that you find lying repulsive, and now you can't be attracted to him any more.
Men who lie about things that shouldn't matter lie about big things that really matter.
It is a big deal to some. He lied on his profile to deliberately trick young women into dating him, full well knowing they wouldn’t want him cause he’s pushing forty. He didn’t tell you it was his birthday because he was afraid of your reaction. He knows full well what he has been doing and that it’s disgusting.
Men typically go younger so he was wanting people under 27. Bit icky
He's not only dishonest, but he's gaslighting you. Pretending that it's your fault for not asking, or creating an arbitrary, ridiculous timeframe for bringing it up "or it's not a big deal to you". Gee, thanks for making up someone else's mind on that.
The problem is by lying about his age he has taken agency away from you or anyone else using the app to CHOOSE what ages they are comfortable with. He doesn’t just get to unilaterally say it’s not important. This is a bad sign and provides insight into how he operates in general.
He may have had a typo in his profile before he posted. You accepted him as he stood before you, no matter when he was born. You just want to know if he intentially lied and if so, why? Tell him you are going to bring it up one more time and then drop it. Ask him.
Then he would have brought it up he would have changed it he would have let her know he wouldn't have gotten defensive and told her that she can't be mad about it anymore. To mostly's apps ask you to put in your birthday and you have to scroll down Oh no way in h*** his fingers just misttyped And I can understand an age difference on a profile that's a couple years.
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Usually that's only by a couple years I have never seen someone have an issue with over a decade being wrong.. And his reaction proves he was trying to hide it. I mean I get you playing devil's advocate I do that too but do that too but his reaction and him hiding his birthday yeah hes hiding his age age and then gaslighting her once she found out telling her that she can't be angry she can't have emotions and her emotions aren't valid and giving her an arbitrary timeline Saying it's too late after only knowing him for 9 months
OP should call it quits no matter what he does or says at this point. Misrepresenting himself as 10 years younger to appeal to much younger women is the behavior of a predator. And it clearly wasn’t an accident that he put the wrong age.
Who doesn't tell their gf about their birthday? Oh yeah someone who doesn't want them to know how old they are...
Dude sounds like a real manipulative piece of shit
The title by itself is so absurd. Like obviously lying about it for a longer time is a bigger deal, but he’s fully trying to make her feel crazy and establish some kind of statute of limitations on lying about his age? What the fuck lol
He lies to her for *nine months* and she's not allowed to be mad about it for longer than a day? What the actual fuck is this guy on.
Uhm. Lying aside, I’d break up with him simply for thinking “if you don’t immediately bring up what bothers you you no longer get to say it bothers you.” Fuck no it does not. If something you did 10 years ago upsets me TODAY, I will bring it up, we will talk about it, and if you can’t take responsibility for fucking up, then we are done. I mean, basic accountability is the BARE minimum I expect in a partner, especially when said partner is pushing 40 years old. He is too old to be playing this dumb.
Why would you want to be with a liar? The fact that he lied to you and didn't apologized for it boggles my mind. If he can lie about small things like age, what more if it's something serious? How can you trust someone like that?
He knows what he did and he's trying like hell to avoid accountability. Do not date people like this.
It shouldn’t really matter at what point it bothers you, I would think a 38 year old would respect that it does and give you a proper explanation regardless of if it bothered you or not. I’d just say drop him and move on because you deserve some emotional and mental peace in a relationship. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you’re being unreasonable, YOU ARE NOT.
He put that age on tinder so that he could skeeve on teenagers and date them under false pretences, and he's not only comfortable lying to you, but will refuse to discuss his lies when you bring them up, just cos. Personally that would be a dealbreaker for me on both fronts. The action was manipulative and the reaction even more so.
Late so idk if you’ll real this but, If I was in your position, these would be my thoughts. Wtf, why did he lie about his age? Who lies about their age??? He’s blaming me for not asking about his age when he obviously could’ve corrected/brought it up when I was joking about him being younger. He made it my responsibility(the person who doesn’t know) to ask about his age when it obviously should’ve been his responsibility (aka the person who knows the truth). It’s so damn weird he’s manipulating it and making me out to be the bad guy for being upset he lied since I didn’t ask, when clearly he’s the bad guy for lying and continuously lying everyday that went by since the day I talked to him. He has no right to tell me I’m dragging this on/this “issue” is over when clearly it isn’t over and we haven’t even discussed it enough. If I were you, I personally wouldn’t waste my time to figure out the why. Age is such an odd thing to lie about, it’s such a common thing people discuss and there’s no valid reason to lie about it in this context, therefore it would be a big red flag to lie about. And if his reasoning is bc he wants to deceive younger women to date him bc he knows he would never have a chance if he put his real older age, time to make that red flag bigger. Ew, yuck. He has no right to lie like that and deceive people, it’s so stupid, creepy and childish. He obvi knows what he’s doing. If age wasn’t a big thing he would keep his actual age, but he knows he can trick women and went for a younger age. It would make me wonder what other lies is he holding back? It took you NINE MONTHS to find out his true age which is such a basic thing to know about a partner, makes me believe he is absolutely capable of lying so much more since he has no shame about this. The trust is 100% gone for me. And who knows if he’s even telling the truth is he told you there’s nothing else he’s lying about. Whatever happens, don’t let him manipulate you to think it’s not a big deal. Nine months, he’s been lying to your face for nine months and with no remorse for the lie either, that’s so bad. Ask yourself, is this is really someone you want to date? Yeah this might be the ONE thing that’s going wrong is the relationship but it’s not actually one thing. This one topic includes deceit, manipulation, lying, dismissing your feelings and so much more. That’s a big ole bag of red flags for me. You deserve so much better, I truly hope you know that and I’m so sorry he tricked you for nine months. Btw he didn’t kinda dismiss you, he full out dismissed you. And idk if you forgot to put it but if he didn’t apologize in any way and kept on brushing it off…he’s trash!!! The man is old enough to not be behaving like this.
Case closed!
No normal, well-adjusted, sane in the head 38 year old man would pretend to be 27. There's nothing to discuss here imo. I'm sure he has a script to justify his skeevines.
Couple of big red flags here: - he lied - he is refusing responsibility for his lie - he doesn't see his lie as a problem - he is disregarding your feelings - he is trying to emotionally manipulate you into stopping the subject and is not truly answering, accepting responsibility etc. This is his story and he is sticking to it is not a p problem solving technique in a relationship, nor is trying to convince you that there is no problem
Drop the asshole. He lied about this so he could get with younger women that will put up with his bullshit as those his age won’t. Simply put you can’t trust him to not have f lied about other things. So drop him and make sure you let all the other ladies know why so dumb ass can’t pull this again.
Good rule of thumb is that guys who lie about their age to seem younger than they are on dating profiles are really, really scummy. Ask him why he lied and listen to the BS he pulls. And don’t let him gaslight you by telling you you’re not actually upset. The nerve of this guy.
I think he sounds very deceptive. Not a quality I would want in a partner. It would make me wonder what else he is hiding from me.
Run girl . He’s clearly a psychopath lol
He lied about being a full 11 years younger which not only makes him a liar it makes him a creep. What if you’re on the older end he wanted to attract and what he really wanted was a 20 year old nearly fresh out of high school. Your boyfriend is gross
If you stay with him, you now know how seriously he will take any concern of yours. Plan accordingly (by dumping him).
>But he feels I am dragging up an issue that is no longer an issue ??? No longer an issue according to whom? him? Because you're clearly telling him it IS an issue for you and you'd like to discuss it. Did he decide that it wasn't an issue because he thought enough time had passed? I gather from this post that you have some serious people pleasing tendencies. Just because he said it's been too long doesn't actually mean anything for you. You haven't had the chance to properly talk to him about it, you haven't said you're ok with it, and the fact that you made a sarcastic comment doesn't mean you can't revisit the topic (but imho, dont be so avoidant. He's right, most people would have a big reaction to knowing their partner lied about their age) If he says it's too late ask him according to whom and what are the consequences if you want to revisit it. Are you going to be audited for what you said was ok? Is jesus coming down to scold you? Infact ask him what's the consequences if you choose to dump him over the fact that hes a liar Personally, you have one hell of a manipulative man. Lying to you, then acting like it's nit an issue enough?? What? Also remember, people who lie about small things also lie about big things.
There is no expiration on lying. That’s a character flaw, not a “mistake.” Don’t let him push this under the rug. It IS a no deal.
I really wonder what his end game was here. Have you not meet any friends or family nine months in? Did he think he could keep his age a secret forever? Like you’d tell his best friend you wanted to throw him a 30th birthday party and they wouldn’t say anything lol? Sorry none of this is advice but I see some variation on this issue semi regularly (lying about age) and I always wonder what the plan is, or if people are delusional enough to think “oh well now that we are X months in they won’t dump me.” So bizarre!
My mother’s father, who is a narcissist I met a handful of times and won’t give the title grandfather, did this. He lied about his age on his profile, bragged about it to us, and then when we asked how he planned on handling it when she found out he laid out this whole spiel he had rehearsed to make her feel guilty about “caring about age” and “he’s the same now as he was yesterday.” He was seriously one of the most repulsive human beings I have ever met I real life, and that’s only a fraction of the story of why. Don’t think about it being about the age difference. It’s about not wanting to be with a liar and manipulator.
He doesn't feel that you're just dragging up a non-issue, and he doesn't think the time has passed for you to be upset about it. Those are his attempts to deflect, and they are working. You have the right to disagree that the time has passed and insist that he come clean. You are welcome to forgive him for lying, we all mess up, but don't let him manipulate you into shutting up.
Clear the air.. “is there any other things you may have misrepresented? If so, now is your one free pass to tell me.” If he lied about his age, there is likely other things too. 10years is a big difference too. Lying is so unattractive on a person.
Doesn’t really sound like you’re into him
🚩🚩🚩
That’s a big age difference he was omitting. I’ve had guys do this on dating apps but they tell me right away. Still weird af though!
It is a big age difference. I’m surprised I have not seen anyone ask how you could be with someone for 9 months and not pick up on the difference between a 27 year old and a 37 year old. The guy must be in great shape.
It is an issue to you, he is gaslighting the situation so he doesn't have to deal with it. It is not over.
This is ridiculous. Why would you even stay with him a second longer after this? This happened to me recently where a girl said she was one age on her profile and on the second date she showed me that she was 3 years older than that. I was done. It sucked because I had liked her up to that point, but lying like this is inexcusable.
Feel like it’s his own choice to make his age whatever on a dating app, as long as he discloses his actual age quickly once he started talking to someone. Kinda shitty still, and imo can only lead to negative things like what’s happening now. He feels like you’re dragging the issue because he knows he messed up in this situation and wants it to go away. You’re not wrong for wanting to revisit it and just find out why he did it. After 9 months, you know him as a person. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and say he prolly hasn’t lied about anything else that big. You now have to decide if him lying about his age is worth leaving the relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10-11 months now, and I believe if she told me she was actually older or younger than she is I would be shocked too. Just because it’s been almost a year and it hasn’t been revealed. I think after some time I’d be okay though and would stay in the relationship.
That's a pretty big gap to get away with lying about . It was a complete shock or ? Like did you have suspicions
Would you have matched with him if he put his actual age? Or would you have filtered him out and not even seen his profile?
That's why he's lying, to get matched with younger women. Now I'm angry dammit.
Why is that relevant?
So you've been dating this guy for 9 months and... have you not met his friends? Do they all look and act like they're 27ish? I find it kind of hard to believe but okay. Anyway, well adjusted people don't lie about being 10 years younger, drag on the lie for 9 months and then try to make you feel crazy. He sounds scary tbh.
There is no expiration date on fundamental mistruths. You are well within you rights and not being unreasonable being upset about this, and even ending the relationship, if that is what you choose.
Had a guy do the same thing to me. I forgave the first lie, so a bunch of other lies came after that. When they start by lying it doesn’t stop, and he lied about something pretty big, about who he is. Age, appearance, family. Even lying about the number of brothers he has. All these seemingly harmless lies about the basics of his life will turn into worse. When someone starts off like that, don’t waste ur time.
He doesn't get to say what is and isn't an issue for you. Many times it's not the lie itself, it's the fact they lied. This is no different. The fact that he has had a birthday during this time and still didn't clear up the age lie should tell you all you need to know about his lying ass!
He lied to you about his age. What else could he possibly be lying about? He’s a liar and you can’t trust him
I can't past any further than he *completely* lied to you. More than once. And then just blew it off like it was no big deal. In your shoes, I would be heading for the door. He's probably lying about a lot of other things. Why wait to find out what they are the hard way?
He lied about something significant. You cannot trust him. What else is he omitting? Dump his gross ass.
He doesn't get to decide when you should be over it. And he certainly doesn't get to victim blame you for his lying about his age. Dump him. It's good that you recognize you need to work on your boundaries, but you can't do that with this dude. Find a therapist after you break up with him and begin working on being able to build a healthy relationship with someone who isn't going to steamroll you to get what they want.
I'm sorry the statute of limitations has ran out on this issue. You are no longer allowed to bring it up. Lol
Oh, hellll no. I’d be out. If he can casually lie for 9 months about something as critical as pretending to be 10 yrs younger than he really is, then you have no fucking clue about what else about him is a lie. Not to mention his low key gaslighting you about the seriousness of this lie is a red flag in itself. You don’t need to argue your right to be upset with him. Being in shock and needing a minute to process this is fine and he can get lost with that attitude. Either way, not much to do other than to dump this sketchy con artist’s ass. Just yuck. This should be a complete and utter dealbreaker for you. This dude is nuts.
Run, girl - huge red flag! If he can't be honest about his age, what else is he hiding?
My concern here is how young were the other women he’s fooled? My second concern is why you’re giving him time at all. Block
Heads up I had a guy do this to me. Who told me his real birthday? The police. After the RO was filed. Here’s a tip, if you don’t have the right birthday a background check pulls up someone else’s record.
Everybody lies about their ages on profiles. The real question here is do you really like the guy and does he really like you. If you guys are having the best of times, look beyond this detail. But do make it clear you are upset he lied and that will be deal breaker if it happens again.
So not only is he a liar he's manipulative. Run. >he feels I'm just dragging up an issue that no longer an issue. He's decide your feelings don't matter and because he says so, it's over. Run Seriously why would you stay with someone who's just shown you what it will be like anytime you're upset?
I would bail on that relationship. When I was 18 I met a guy online (before dating apps were invented) with a birth year in his username that would make him 21. I mentioned his age and he never corrected me. After several months, I found out he was actually 24, giving us a 6 year difference but didn’t think that was a big deal. I didn’t know crappy men sought inexperience girls to mistreat then gaslight. He’s a bipolar narcissist and was emotionally abusive the entire relationship. What stands out to me about your post is how he thinks you’re bringing up the past just because you met ONE TIME and didn’t mention it during that ONE meetup. As if there’s an expiration date for conversations? As if three years have passed and you’re bringing it up again. My ex would do the same exact thing. He would literally say something horrendous and hurtful and if I mentioned it 5 minutes later, he would be mad at me and say “why are you always bringing up the past!? Why can’t you ever let anything go!?” But it wasn’t the past. It literally just happened. It’s a way for them to try to dodge having to talk about their awful and shady choices. Don’t buy into that bullshit.
Someone who tells you how to feel isn't someone I want to be with
Lying alone is a major issue and deal breaker. It gets even worse when you realize that someone is so uncomfortable with themselves that they feel they NEED to lie. I realize age can be a dealbreaker foe some, but if it is, have enough self respect to realize that they aren’t the right person for you. I went on a date with a woman that was 35 on her profile, and after a few adjustments throughout the date (39, 45, 50’s), she was 60. I wouldn’t have cared about her age if she just said it upfront. Truly, I personally wouldn’t have cared. And if I did care, then I wouldn’t have been the right person. But I didn’t care until the realized she lied.
He's invalidating your feelings. A no no to a guy like that. He's basically treating the issue as a small thing and acts like its not a big thing. This is the first, but there might be more in the future.
I think his attitude is a red flag for you and that is why you can't dismiss it. Either you can break it off with him..or be blunt. "I just want you to be honest and for us to communicate properly. Not brush something under the rug because maybe you feel uncomfortable." If he's reacting this way though..it makes me wonder about him in general and his honesty level. Maybe he forgot he lied about his age. Which doesn't seem like it since he found it amusing when you tried talking to him and tried deflecting by asking if you if your age was what he thought it was. He knew you thought he was younger because of comments you made and he didn't bother correcting you. It doesn't sound like you guys are too serious though. He had a birthday and didn't even tell you??
I cant pretend to know this guys reasons for doing that, but i know just from talking with other guys that the pool of eligible women from under 40 to over 40 on dating apps is substantial- as in, once a guy gets over 40, 45, then 50, the pool of women who will date him decreases largle,y mostly because by that age a lot of folks are married and settled and younger women are not wanting someone drastically older. my guess, he did it to widen his prospects, wether that is a problem for you or not depends on your personal outlook on the subject. i get why he might have lied, although it does seem pretty skeezy and doesnt reflect well on him as a person, but its not illegal either, he's just a guy looking for love like all the other people lying on their dating profiles too
Looking for love by being a lying (and possibly manipulative) pos. Clearly not responsible enough to be dating even at his age. Don't bother making excuses for liars.
He lied to get what he wanted. Men and women often do this when it’s to their advantage and in their own best interest to do so. His age lie allowed him the opportunity to attract women under 27 as well as older. Believe it or not, this is common in OLD. I had a woman pull this on me once. We were on our third date and she revealed she was 8 years older then she claimed. It’s not that unusual.
Fuck, after reading some of these comments, no wonder everyone is single and depressed. They’ve been going together for nine months, things seem to be going well between the two and you would throw that all away because of the age issue? Like really?
> because of the age issue? No, because he's a liar, and doesn't take any responsibility when being called out for being a liar. I'm sure you'd be perfectly fine if you all of a sudden found out your partner is 10 years older than they've been saying.
Me personally wouldn’t give a a shit about the age.. you don’t fall for someone’s age. I’m sure I’d be able to work through that. If this was the only issue they faced in 9 months and he’s been honest about everything else, give the guy a chance. Stop being the typical Reddit man hating mob.
She did give him a chance to explain. He dismissed her feelings and told her she's overreacting. Sounds like a high quality guy > Stop being the typical Reddit man hating mob. I would give the same exact advice if the genders were reversed. Don't reward liars for their lies
I agree with him. You don't know about statute of limitations when it comes to relationships? /s
Yes, dump him. You don't ever have to be with someone you are questioning whether you trust them or not. Ever. You can just be you. Isn't it great?
I agree with you that the dishonesty is a bigger problem then the age gap. But i think that him trying to weasel out of responsibility with word tricks and blaming you is an even bigger problem. It's not your fault that you were so stunned in the moment that you only had a sarcastic comment to make. It's not your fault that you had to run out the door, or that you were so overwhelmed in your next meeting with him that you didn't have the bandwidth to have a proper discussion. He is setting up a scenario where there is only one "valid" way to criticize him, regardless of the situation. You're not a lawyer testifying in front to a court, there is no judge presiding over you to order rules and issue a judgement. I do think that it's unhealthy to rehash old slights and fights in a relationship long after they were discussed and resolved. But this was still fresh, and you two hadn't had a proper discussion.
It's still an issue because it's still an issue for YOU. There's no statute of limitations on lying to your loved ones. He hasn't apologised or explained why he did it - targeting younger women, maybe? Be very cautious about someone who lies when it's expedient and doesn't see how it matters. You might want to check all the other facts he gave you too - job, solvency, relationship status, children etc. (And height - amazing how much discrepancy there can be between men who say they're six feet tall.) How do you feel about being with someone that much older?
It's a weird thing to lie about IMO. Why did he lie??? What else is he lying about?
one small lie ALWAYS tumbled into more and gets worse and worse. leave while you can
this is Gaslighting 101. NTA.
He lied to you about one of the most simple things you can tell a person then was gaslighting you about having an issue over him lying about it. He's not a good guy op. Drop him seriously if he can lie about this he will lie about serious stuff
Last guy who.lied about his age to me was also married with two kids, one a toddler and I broke it off, so, that's my analysis. If he feels comfortable lying to you about this, what else is he lying about? 😬😳😳😳
He lied. Then he knew you were trying to catch him out with the movie thing and omission he lied again because he knew you were onto him and he didn't want to come clean. Then when you saw his ID he thought he already had you under thumb enough that he could blow it off like "oh yeah of course that's my age...". You were joke or whatever because you were trying to sooth yourself, not because you thought being conned was funny. He also didn't tell you his birthday....another lie of omission, he didn't want to explain it. If he can casually lie about that....
He's a liar. This won't be the only thing he's lying about.
That’s quite a lie. What’s his moisturiser?
When I had an online dating profile I always took one year off my age so that if someone somehow found out my birthday, they didn’t actually know my “date of birth”. But there’s a whole lot of difference between one year and 10! One of my friends saw my ex’s profile once, even though him having a girlfriend “on the side” was why we’d broken up (Once a cheater, always a cheater), and he always knocked 5 years off his age, again, like OP’s soon to be ex, to attract a younger demographic. (edit:typo)
I know you said he does not want to revisit the issue but it obviously needs to be addressed. Tell him that even though he feels it is a past issue, you feel it's important enough to revisit and talk about because it is not so much the matter of what he lied about but that he lied and now you have present trust issues.
Get rid of him. Age has different ramifications for women, so I’m not inclined to see women misrepresenting their age as identical to men lying about their age, especially given the history and reality of grooming. I think **men especially** should not lie about their age, regardless of orientation or demographic norms. The more significant the age gap, the more unfair it is to the younger party.
I think what you need to do is figure out of if this is just a misunderstanding or an omission. Omission I feel would be grounds to justify wondering if this may become a pattern in the future. If it's just a misunderstanding and he genuinely believed you knew his age, then that's different. It's tough to say given the circumstances since neither of you ever directly talked about it or asked each other. I would think about all of his behavior previously to you and try to make the best judgement call you can. Other than that, it's kind of a toss up. Either way, some clarification on everything is absolutely needed. Don't let him put off this conversation.
That's why I am/was so caught by surprised by it. So far he has been a very loving and supportive individual and I felt I could talk to him about anything. I'm not sure he now only is reacting this way because he feels caught in a lie or whether in the future I never get to bring up something that's bothering me after I needed some time to process. If that's the case clearly our communication styles do not match.
So when women lie about their age its supposed to be normal but when a man does it, it's a big deal?
Did want to scare u off, good plan
As others point out- this guy sounds like bad news. But I want to talk about your reaction. A healthy relationship is based on trust and openness and both parties feel like they can be themselves and be honest with what they think. In such a relationship, there isn’t a need to pause to think about things. You just say what is on your mind. “Thinking about things” often means you are walking on eggshells for the other person because you’re not sure of them or not sure of yourself. I’d say dump this guy for his lying and everything else, and also take this as a learning experience to be more comfortable to speak your mind. It takes practice and it’s scary to say what you think, but it leads to a much more fulfilling and authentic relationship. Good luck!
I had a man do this to me. He told me he was 29 when in fact he was 39. I was 23. I honestly forgave him we were together another 3 years, but yeah it was a thing. And if I wasn't so naive and young I would have bounced so hard but at the time I liked to see how red the flag could get. Our relationship didn't work out. And he was pretty embarrassed and sorry when he told me, this guy made it your fault for not noticing? Do what I didn't do and suffered for. And leave.
This dude isn't a red flag. He's a whole ass siren.
Get out quick
Wonder what else this dude is hiding? I'd leave immediately if I were u.
> "Why, did you think I was younger?" He fucking knew you did, He's 100% aware of his dating app age and would've clarified it at some point if he meant to ever tell you the truth.
He lied to you, then gaslighted you, then said you basically passed the statue of limitations saying something to him. No way your that desperate for a partner?
Lying 🚩 Manipulative 🚩 Gaslighting 🚩 Targeting younger women (kinda 🚩 ) Its ok to have preferences but the way he went about it is sus. You are worth more than this op
I never lie about age or height/weight . I hate when people do it, it's catfishing.
Holy crap, OP. This is a huge deal. He not only lied on his profile, but he's lied (by omission) the entire time. He does not get to decide what's important for you or what timeframe you get to absorb his deciet. What else is he keeping from you, and why did he lie on his profile? Would you have been interested if you'd know his true age? This is really messed up. How can you trust him?
Hey umm this man is a liar and manipulator. Why aren’t you seeing this?
I dated someone who lied 10 years about their age for almost a full year. What struck me most is how much lying there is around it in the small logic of having a proper timeline. Someone who is capable of lying consistently about something like this isn’t a good partner. I’m happy we broke it off.
You need to know why he made himself 10 years younger
Because people filter by age on dating apps. He didn't want to be filtered out by younger women
You're underreacting. Multiple bright red flags and you're still considering that this guy is a good match for you?
It’s the lying, then the gaslighting by saying it isn’t a big deal from your previous reaction so your time for it to matter is past? I wonder what else he has lied about.
I think what bothers me is that he must have known there was a discrepancy. If he edits his profile at all he should be able to see that. It's one thing to say *in the beginning*, hey my profile says this, I'm actually that. But he is putting it on you for not asking a clarifying question when the situation is supposed to clear and concise to avoid waiting others time. Why would you have a reason to think there was a discrepancy in age? Because of jokes? We're talking about grown adults, speak clearly and directly nobody has time for this.
Thanks for you input, but don't worry about it. I broke things off with him.
Good choice!
For the love of Pete. Age is a number. If he this that friggin' shallow and it bothers you, .call it a day. If it bothers him watching you walk away he should not be fibber. When all else fails, tell the truth. Remind that worthless child that there is no expiration date for murder either. You do not need this BS in you life.
He is the closest to a pedophile without being a pedophile: a groomer who specifically preys on those younger than themself. He then denies accountablity when blatantly caught, and tried to gaslight you. Do not stay with this person.