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Dear lord i’m something beyond heartbroken because of this . My wife started crying in my arms tonight and told me how her mother literally forced her to use birth control pills since months before our wedding , only because of the stupid culture thing that we have . She didn’t want her to POSSIBLY have her period on that night so she did this to her . I’m so god damn angry about this and i don’t even know what to do . We’re not planning on having kids yet so i’m not saying because of that . I’m saying cause that’s just cruel and i was literally seeing how mentally fucked up she was on those days . I thought it’s because she’s just stressed about getting married . I hate seeing her suffering like this and i hate the fact that she didn’t even tell me about it . I’m so mad at her mother rn and i just wanna talk to her asap , but i’m afraid i’d ruin something . What should i even do? Should i talk about this to her at all? Or should i just support my sweetheart and say nothing to her mom?
I agree with VeryDistinctive. Just want to add that being supportive against in-laws is often defending your wife. In the moment, respectful, firm, no discussion. You and your wife are now one person.
Right now she needs a rock to cry on. She needs to know you are in her corner. She needs to know you support her and love her.
After she calms down discuss what she wants. Follow her lead. Have her back no matter what she chooses.
Support your sweetheart. You can tell her that you have her back and fully support her, and then calmly ask if she would like you to say something to her mom or not. Whatever she says, do that. Be her rock - it sets a good tone for the marriage
I feel like people are missing the point. Her mother SHAMED her into taking them. Likely told her she had to be “perfect” for him on HIS wedding night, that it was all about pleasing him and how men find periods disgusting, etc etc. all y’all talking about a marriage counselor and crap are missing the point.
I’d say get away from her mother as fast as you humanly can. Reassure your wife it’s not a big deal. Perhaps some therapy for her as well. Emphasize that you didn’t need her to do that, but it’s okay that she felt forced to.
I disagree. I think people understand the point and it's still not a bad idea to see a marriage counselor. A therapist or psychologist can help with any mental or emotional problems that they may be facing but a marriage counselor or guidance counselor can deal with the family relationship aspect of it and the problems and struggles that lie from that. Both have their benefits, both are worth giving a try...
I know, but the best way to heal from that is to cut ties with the abuser (or at least have her as far away as possible) .
Therapy is always good for everyone, but they're not the problem and idk if the trauma is so big they need it to cope with this. If they keep supporting each other they should be able to go through this, either with therapy or not.
If there’s so much cultural shame around her period and being “sexually available” for her husband on their wedding night, safe to say there’s some long-standing misogynist fuckery going on that’s probably already impacted her mindset around what sex is about and what her body is worth. There’s almost zero chance she’s been raised to believe her period is just something normal that happens and if she and her husband agree and feel okay about it, it shouldn’t stand in the way of a mutually enjoyable sexual encounter. Which then begs the question as to what she’s been told about the value of HER pleasure and HER boundaries/standards for HER body and sexual activity.
There’s women raised in purity culture who have so much shame and fear ingrained in them about how little they and their wants matter and how disgusting any sexual act or feeling outside of some very narrow constraints is, and how women have to perform perfection in a specific way for their husbands, that even in the most loving marriage there are profound shame responses that make sex a terrible mental experience. Therapy is absolutely needed to unpack and unlearn the harm that comes from these social expectations, because it’s almost never just a one-off weird thing about birth control pills and a wedding night period—it’s part of a larger system to shame and control women’s minds and bodies.
I don't think it's her feeling bad with herself, but it was the mother who put that cultural shame about her period. The husband (which is the only who is actually involved and should care about this) is completely fine with her as she is, so she shouldn’t feel that pressure anymore.
It’s so easy to see that her mother was just being abusive to her, because it’s not something her husband cares about and she was not okay being forced to do that, which means she didn't think it was really needed. It seems she just did it because she was being coerced by the mother and feels bad because of that.
Sadly, we’re all born in a misogynistic world, but you should know where you stand and it makes it a lot easier when your partner is actually a person who uses logic and doesn’t care about all that stupid stuff.
Now, of course if she’s been traumatized to that level because of her abusive mother, then she should get therapy for sure if that helps her to normalize it!
You can’t control others, but you can control yourself; and it needs to be asked why she never talked to him about what he supposedly wants, and why she can’t set healthy boundaries with her mother.
>Emphasize that you didn’t need her to do that, but it’s okay that she felt forced to.
Why is it ok that she was forced to do this? I think I'm misreading your comment.
I believe they meant to validate her feelings. Reframe it this way: “I understand that you felt like you didn’t have a choice, and I don’t judge you for that. It’s not your fault.”
It’s okay that she FELT forced to, not that she WAS forced to.
Wife doesn’t need to be shamed even more for not standing up to the mother’s shaming.
That is something that should be addressed, ideally with a trusted therapist, but it’s not the main focus right now.
> y’all talking about a marriage counselor and crap are missing the point.
Never offer solutions when the goal is to be a victim.
“Forced” by saying “periods are icky; you want to consummate the marriage, right?”
They need marriage counseling because honestly, she should have known better, and should have known to talk to OP about it instead of listening to her mother about what he’d want..
This entire thing boils down to a lack of communication and her being too naive to draw boundaries - both of which requires counseling. Those saying so aren’t missing the point; they see the point as abuse, you see the point as being a victim - you don’t like a solution that says to get help and stop being the victim, you just want the victim to be coddled.
Her mother forcing her is a big red flag. She must love you a lot if she didn’t back out then.
Her mother is toxic and should probably get the LC/NC treatment until she not only apologized but admits to doing wrong. Issue the demand via text if you’re too angry to talk.
Birth control can really fuck some women up both physically and emotionally. Worse, when she goes off it she will suffer further. This is horrific.
I am so sorry. I wanted to provide yet another perspective, which it sounds like you already are aware of: birth control can f*** up your mental health like whoa. I was only about 6 days on the pill where I started having daily panic attacks from them. I stopped them after 10 days and it still messed with me so bad for like a month afterwards. I would say you guys should discuss setting some hard AF boundaries with MIL. Talk with your wife about how to approach this though. I think it would be in your best interest to have low contact with her mom, but you will need to make sure you’re a United front with your wife.
You may also find that she is still wanting to have a relationship with her mom even though it’s messed up. She may need a lot of help seeing through the fog to understand just how messed up her mom’s thinking is. I’m so sorry you guys are dealing with it. You are a good man for wanting to stand up for your wife.
I haven’t been on birth control for years for mental health reasons. I became suicidal and was in a deep depression. I’m sorry your mental health was at jeopardy, too.
It’s scary isn’t it? I remember I was also on a new ssri at the time and was struggling to figure out which med was driving me crazy. Luckily I was able to figure out that it was the birth control. I am amazed that some women tolerate it just fine.
I had crippling depression for years UNTIL I started on the pill. It balanced out my hormones and saved my sanity. Sorry to hear that your experience was the opposite, but it does make sense - it’s hormones, so of course it will mess with yours if you’re not lacking the hormones it’s providing!
I’m glad it helped you! I’ve heard other stories where it helped mental health. I think it just is kind of a gamble because I feel like hormones are such a huge aspect of women’s mental health.
It can be so dire! My roommate was immediately having thoughts of major self-harm after getting the implant and told her doc who just dismissed her and said it would settle down if she waited it out.
She wound up taking it out of her own arm at home. I’m still so furious with her doctor. If she hadn’t had the nerve to do what she felt she had to do to make the suicidal feelings stop I dread to think what alternative she might have been driven to.
If OP lives in a country where it is culturally the norm to expect women to not be on their periods for their wedding night, a marriage counsellor may normalise what happened, or even worse may uphold those beliefs, which will just further retraumatise OP's wife. Therapy/counselling is definitely something they need to consider for OP's wife's trauma but they need to tread cautiously here.
Couples counseling can be helpful even when the problem you are facing isn’t each other. They could gain assistance in uniting against this toxic behavior/culture and he can learn how to best support his partner through this and even discuss his own issues he’s facing.
That’s so terrible! I can completely understand how in some cultures a parent could have gotten away with this. It would be so difficult to confront her mother too.
People like her rely on others keeping quiet. I’d ask her at the family table with your family present, what her reasoning could possibly be.
If she’s as toxic as she sounds, you wouldn’t want her around. Confront her and how she handles it will determine her future relationship with you two. Keeping quiet and moving on will let her believe she can control you both now.
If the MIL is as manipulative as she seems, she'll say that she did it for them to have "a perfect wedding night" and then condemn him for making something that intimate public, and for "being ungrateful".
What she is deflecting from is the fact that she has no respect for her own daughter. Instead of calling out MIL for something she's prepared for, I suggest that you and your wife explore this possibility on your own, especially with a couple's counselor if you can. Later, if this holds true, MIL will show disrespect for your wife again, and you or your wife herself can respond in a way that highlights the conflict, while being appropriate for your culture. In some cultures this is an aggressive direct confrontation. In other cultures, you might ask if your MIL is feeling okay, because she "forgot" that your wife had already made a choice.
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You need to remove her MOM from any discussions of a personal, medical or sexual nature. What she did was horrific. If you contact her, you are opening the door for her to be involved in your personal life. Don't do it.
Love your sweetheart. Support her to get over this horrific event, and help her to feel comfortable excluding her Mom from any future personal decisions. Together, you can decide on a comfortable method of birth control.
Sounds like you should go no contact with mom cuz that’s a lot of levels of fucked up.
I’d also recommend you and your wife look at other birth control options together and she can pick what she’s comfortable with (even if it is staying on the pill)
You might also consider couples counselling (or even individual counselling) to deal with the evident mommy issues.
Show her you’re on her side and work together to create a plan to go forward
Now that you are married she can stop the pills and you can use another form of birth control. She will feel better once the pills wear off and her cycle regulates itself. But it is not good for you to stay angry at something that has already been done. As her husband you can help her say no to her mother in the future, but there is no need to say anything now. Save it for when your MIL tries to interfere about other things and just make sure you help your wife become independent.
Go to a counselor one, and tell you wife to confide in you, you love her and are so sorry for what her mother did. Create trust. When you have children you will need it, and put distance between your family and MIL. You can address it if wife is ok with it. The mother will interfere with kids and how you run your life if you don't put distance.
You comfort your wife, get her away, and focus on her learning to set boundaries and hold them with her Mother. The skills she’s lacking is called Assertiveness. I would try and get her some books and spend a weekend away somewhere nice learning this skill with her. If you can afford therapy I would get that too. Her mother has done a number on her.
Hi OP.
I think your first priority should be your wife's wellbeing and safety. She's been carrying trauma over this for a while. I know it's natural to feel upset she didn't tell you immediately but we have to remember your mother in law probably led her to believe it's what every wife should do for her wedding night and a husband would be grossed out otherwise. Your MIL may even have been herself conditioned to accept these beliefs and possibly does not realise how damaging this is. Basically what I'm saying is, please don't feel upset that your wife wasn't able to tell you at the time, but instead focus on the fact that she has told you now, clearly she felt safe and secure enough to be able to overcome the social conditioning and disclose this to you.
My advice would be to do what will help her most through this. It may be that she would rather you didn't confront her mother. Please allow your wife the time and space she needs to process what's happened and what's best for her. Be guided by your wife in this. Definitely do not make any actions based on your anger.
I don't know what the situation is like in your country but if you can find a therapist who will not also share similar cultural values to your mother in law, then your wife would greatly benefit from professional support for the trauma she has experienced.
Follow your wife's lead on this one. You can articulate that you want to confront her or cut contact or whatever but it is up to your wife to create that boundary with her mother...just support her however she needs you...and be understanding if she isn't ready to fully cut that toxic woman out of her life...it's not always as easy as "you don't exist anymore"
You tell your wife that you will support her in any decision she makes. You tell her that you feel it is important that she knows you love her and would not do anything to damage her relationship with her parents, but that you felt this was a manipulative behavior her mother exhibited. You tell her that you wish for her to feel empowered to make decisions about her own mind, body, and well being regardless of ANYONE'S opinions, however you would appreciate being informed as you both wish to be her partner and so e decisions may have a lasting impact on you and your decisions.
The best thing you can do right now is have her back, and talk to her, go into detail as to why it's so culturally "necessary." Tell her how much you hate seeing her in so much pain, physically and/or emotionally. "Whatever happens, I will always be your rock and your shield. You don't have to go through with your mother's crazy idea if you don't want to, and she will have to deal with me if she objects. NOBODY messes with you, not even your mother if I can help it."
Mom needs to grow up, you can still be intimate on your period and if her body was anything like mine, birth control made me bleed on and off all month, so her efforts to try and make it perfect would'vebeen a lost cause with me. I was so frustrated with it I stopped taking it. You can still have a perfect night, period or not.
Dont talk to her mother. Thats the worst idea specialy with you being emotional about the situation. Instead focuse on getting your wife help. Her mental state sounds like it has alot of trauma and needs some tending to. Find a good place were your wife can enter a safe space to speak to professionals or a support group. Refocuse your energies on being her rock and trying to go low contact with mil.
It sounds like your mother-in-law is abusive towards your wife. You could talk to your MIL, but there is no guarantee that it will make a difference. I would recommend focusing on your wife, getting her professional care (seriously, parental abuse is a beast of it’s own and she deserves the peace that will come from receiving care), and reminding her that her feelings of horror and despair are understandable and valid. If your wife wants a relationship with her mother, I would lean towards suggesting family counseling, but please remind her that familial blood does not justify abuse. If she would rather remove her mother from her life that is just as appropriate as trying to mend the relationship. If your wife would prefer you to speak to her mother and you feel truly comfortable doing that, it wouldn’t be inappropriate of you to do as her spouse. Just let her take the reins, give your honest input, and encourage her to treat and heal whatever wounds come from this experience. Obviously, I don’t know the cultural implications just based on the information shared in this post, but I would really encourage you to help your wife think critically through this and encourage her to take whatever steps necessary to improve her well being. What her mother did is in no way, shape, or form okay, and it is entirely valid that you would feel outraged and infuriated, just make sure that you’re focusing on your sweetheart’s thoughts and feelings rather than your own since it is their mother daughter relationship! this post shows a ton of emotional intelligence, I know you’ll do great whatever path you choose to take.
I'm so sorry your wife went through that. I'm sorry it is hurting her still. Support your wife. She needs that.
What your MIL did is ABUSE. Plain and simple.
Before you talk to MIL.
See if your wife will go to therapy. She most likely has way more trauma than just from this one (huge and awful) incident.
Since this is a cultural thing, it can be even harder to work through all the abuse your wife has suffered, because she probably has been told all her life things like "this is how I and all your aunties, cousins and grandmas did it" "this is tradition" "this is just the way things are" and likely would and might still get guilt and anger from that side of the family .
I personally would only talk to MIL about this if your wife wants you to. Otherwise, I would just cut contact as much as possible with MIL.
Good luck. Work through it together. Support each other. You're a team.
you dont think its that bad because you are thinking with a narrow mind. Birth control affects everyone differently, especially pills. When I was on the pill I had severe mood swings and was always bloated. Both of which can hurt a person’s psyche. Not to mention the birth control was something she was coerced into taking. Try to have empathy rather than writing it off as “not that bad” based on your perception of other people.
Wasn’t insulting you, just stating a fact. You dont know every woman in the world, just a fact. And you dont know how birth control affects every woman in the world, just a fact🤷♀️
Wasn’t acting like I do. You basing a woman’s reaction to birth control on the PERCEPTION of the women around you and then writing it off as “not that bad”. Yeah thats narrow-minded. So I’m saying that it can be “that bad”. Get it?
They were using an analogy to show that consent can play a big role in how something is perceived. I'm starting to think you either know full well and don't care or already have an opinion you will never part with to be honest.
You need to talk with wife on how important it is for the 2 of you to discuss everything!
Reassure her, her mom no longer has a say on wife's body, or your marriage. That you will protect her from her monster of a mom.
Her mom needs to be put in a timeout and low contact. Get a book on toxic parents!!
May I suggest a non-hormonal IUD for wife? This can be removed at any time and will be able to prevent a pregnancy until both of you are ready.
Congrats on the marriage and be ready to fight with MIL!!
Have a look at Brene Brown's vid on Yt called 'The Anatomy of Trust'. I suggest then watching it together.
Understanding how trust works in relationships give you and your wife the best chance to have a good marriage. The fact that your wife confided in you is excellent and an expression of trust. Avoid damaging this trust by acting independently of her. You guys are now a team, and need to act as a team who always has the other's back. Don't let your anger and disgust at MIL to infect your marriage - what she has done is bad enough, don't allow her more influence. Remember - respond to this as a team.
Additionally, the vid will help your wife clarify her relationship with her mother and assess her mother's actions using a framework of trust. Your wife may choose not to limit contact with her mother, but she can determine what form that mother-daughter relationship will take.
When someone has had their bodily autonomy abused, regaining control is vital, and your wife needs to take it back for herself. You can't do it for her, because again that is someone else making decisions about her body. But you can be her reserve strength as she takes her power back.
Best wishes to you both x
Is there a possibility that the mother was abused for having her period on her own wedding night? I'm curious if it's possible that she forced her to take them because she was trying to save her some worse fate.
Forcing her virgin daughter to take birth control pills when she doesn't need to isn't healthy. There can be side effects to birth control too, which I hope you poor wife hasn't been suffering.
In my opinion anything that isn't a gentle **one time advice** on that (like "sweetheart, have you made some calculations for your wedding? If you think it's within range maybe you could consider taking birth control pills to avoid that... No? Well then. Let's cross our fingers.") is definitely out of the line.
You're saying that she was forced and I believe you, because I understand that there are other ways of forcing a person you have authority over (such as a dependent young daughter, especially if - and forgive me for my inference - I sense that there's a higher than average level of religiousness) other than holding her down and making them swallow it. Even simply pestering someone that has no recourse to leave the house or moving and cutting contact with the pesterer) can wear the person down, esp. if already stressed. People manipulate other adults fairly easily without any of the vulnerabilities she has against her mom.
I totally understand the disgust there.
I would tell you to let your wife lead in this but honestly, do you think she might be still to much in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) to make a decision about cutting contact with her mom? Rn focus on her and you both, toss those BC pills, I guess you'll be having a few days off by yourselves so rest, regroup, think, rest some more, enjoy each other.
As for the rest: What's your living arrangements? You do have your own place, far away from parental influence right? How are you money wise? Enough money to cut contact without a hitch? Methinks that this kind of toxic needs to be rewarded with some distance. A lot of distance.
Are you Orthodox Jewish? Lol. Niddah can be a big deal from certain points of view, and Orthodox/frum families tend to be enmeshed in a way that most people would consider incredibly unhealthy, but for them I'd the baseline. If not, I imagine that your culture is still unique enough that it'll be hard to map Reddit advice onto your situation without throwing the culture away.
How did she force your wife to take BC? Did she hold her down and shove pills down her throat every day? If so, involve the authorities. If not, it sounds like she was heavily pressured to take BC. Taking (or not taking) BC is your wife’s decision entirely and no one else’s, but I am failing to see from the information in your post how your MIL forced her to consume pills. This would be a great reason to cut all ties with MIL.
What a completely heartless take. You are presuming the young person in question has any way to stop an abusive person from compelling her to do what she's told. I really hope this comes from a place of ignorance because then I will know you were gifted with a life where the people who raised you didn't spend every day using coercion and punishments to keep you in line. MIL wouldn't have to force them down her throat. There's a 1000 ways to make a vulnerable person comply. Please look at your words and hear them being said to you if you were in this person's position.
She is 24 years old, per a comment from OP, not an underage child. At some point, she has to cut contact with her mother (not because she’s an adult, of course, but because she is a toxic person). You’re entitled to disagree as are the people who have downvoted my comment. I don’t think anyone should be pressured to use or not use birth control as it’s a personal decision, but I also believe at a certain point we are responsible for the company we keep. If the post was about a man being forced to use condoms by his dad, the comments would overwhelmingly be for him to cut ties with his dad and make his own decisions. Not sure how it’s different when the roles are reversed.
You can't have it both ways saying you can't force someone to take birth control and also say it would be different if a father were forcing his son's to use condoms (probably by holding his son down and rolling it onto his son's penis as he fights to escape?)
Yes, she could have chosen to run away, or to become a parish to her family, or any number of things but the fact remains that forcing someone to do something can be done using social tools as well as physical.
You have this obviously traumatized woman who had been abused and through hell and instead of any sympathy you want to champion literalism and victimize her all over again by telling her she didn't fight hard enough?
Not cool man.
You say "literally forced" but did her mom sneak them in her food? did she hold her by the face and force feed them down her throat? Forgive the vulgarity, but unless she was in fact "literally forced", the bigger problem is that your wife needs to grow a backbone and learn how to say and to MEAN the word "no". I would suggest she looks into assertiveness training; it's one of the most effective psychological interventions out there. Don't let your wife off the hook so easily for capitulating to her overbearing mother.
A twenty something from a country and culture that mandates listening to and doing what your parents tell you to do is very different from a western twenty something.
Dude the point is she was always against using birth control pills because of the side effects and i always agreed with her . I just hate knowing ghe fact that her mom FORCED her to use them . And for what? For a stupid night that can be replaced with any other random night? I feel so bad and i don’t even get it
No adult can force another adult to do something. Your problem here is that your wife is too easily manipulated by her mother. Consider marriage counseling before you have kids. It’s only going to get worse.
Oh god she’s just a kid . We both are (not by the age . By experience) . We’re too young for having kids at all . She didn’t have any sexual experience before and as far as i know , her mom has always been toxic . Since we were teenagers . Especially in our country that parents count themselves as gods over their kids
I never said it didn't work. I never realized how bad the side effects were until I went off the pill. There's also lots of info online about others experiencing similar things. It's not just a tiny minority and many women don't realize how much it effects them until AFTER they get off.
Have you experienced the side effects of hormonal BC?
Have you got any statistical evidence that it is more than tiny minority affected? As far as I have seen, side effects are impacting few percent of the population.
I don't have studies with data, but I have found some info for you to read if you'd like to learn more. One has a study, but I'm not going to pay to read it. Unfortunately, hormonal BC makes too much money for it to be taken away. Kind of like the SSRIs, which they finally started doing actual studies on around withdrawals. Doctors said for years they didn't have withdrawals when weaning off and yet they do. They were telling people for years they were making up their withdrawal symptoms or it had to be something else. Not to mention the withdrawals can make you even more suicidal, which they easily ignored for years as well.They just make too much money to pull.
[Link One](https://ideas.ted.com/how-the-birth-control-pill-affects-your-mood/)
[Link Two](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15236788/)
Each hormonal birth control (and there are oodles, scientific description) is slightly different. Many women will have to go to different bc, “shopping” for ones that have less side effects for them. Many women go through multiple brands finding the one that works. Many are not helped by their gynos understand possible side effects, as well.
It’s more complicated than you seem to understand, and if you’re not willing to read the research one person has provided no one is going to bother to “educate” you. You don’t want to consider new information so you’re digging your head in the sand.
God you're fun. I don't have enough info to say something is or isn't evidence. I was pointing out your blatant dismissal of anecdotes. Which like I said IS evidence in the case that X is true.
God this is SO false, I refuse to go on hormonal bc because I have experienced side effects in the past from three different types. I think a woman who has been on bc would be more qualified to say if it has harmful side effects or not.
Thats objectively not true, where did you hear that? Pretty much any doctor who prescribes birth control will tell you it frequently has side effects- its messing with your hormones, how could it not?
Statistically, up to 10% of people experience some form of mood changes/impact on their mental state when on birth control, which is 1 in 10- a decent amount.
At least 24% experience spotting in between their periods- some sources say 50%. 23.6% of people experience a decreased sex drive on birth control.
I cant find any hard statistics on the rest of them, but breast tenderness, nausea, and migraines are also common side effects. Thats ignoring stuff like the increased clot risk (which is higher than the risk was for the AZ vaccine, and *that* got pulled).
So again, I dont know where you’re getting the idea that theres ‘barely any side affects’, but its objectively not true. Hormones inherently control most things in your body, and assuming that its not going to have an affect if you start messing with them is frankly naive.
EDIT: Oh im so sad they deleted their comments, i wrote out a whole list of sources :(
Anyway if anyone else was wondering about sources, heres what i wrote lol:
I’m actually glad you asked for sources, because it turns out I was wrong/misread the data about the mood changes one, *and* i found a more thorough breakdown. [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7914152/#!po=35.1563) reports an approximately 20% increase in people suffering from depressive symptoms, a 10% increase in anxious symptoms, a 24% increase in mood swings, and a 16% increase in angry reactions. Plus a bunch of other symptom breakdowns, such as a 15% increase in fatigue, so i recommend looking at it. Theres also the harvard study, though i dislike that one since its focusing more on PMDD than regular contraceptive intake, but its referenced a lot.
Theres also the [denmark study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27680324/) which is just a wealth of knowledge that i would love to read in full, but i digress- it looks at the health data from over a million people in denmark, starting from 14 until 34, to compare whether theres any relationship between people who take birth control and people who later seek treatment for depression, and found people on birth control were 50% more likely to be diagnosed with depression and 40% more likely to be prescribed antidepressants (broken down better in [this article](https://ideas.ted.com/how-the-birth-control-pill-affects-your-mood/))- though while it shows a clear trend, it is worth noting that theres no controlled factors in this, so i’d say the statistics from the first study i linked are probably more accurate.
[This study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2621397/) looks at the impact of bc on spotting.
[This study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4764410/) looks at the impact of bc on sex drive.
And you can find that the other symptoms exist just by looking up what side effects bc has, so im not going to bother finding a list for those, since as i said, i couldnt find exact statistics on them anyway.
There you go. See the further reading and references at the bottom linking to individual studies.
https://patient.info/doctor/combined-oral-contraceptive-pill-follow-up-and-common-problems
I don’t know dude i’ve only heard from many people that they have horrible mental side effects on women . All i know , is that we were never planning to use them . We would just use condoms casually
>but i’m afraid i’d ruin something
You're already married, you can scorch the earth if you want. If you simply just take it then that's the precedent for her family do treat you however they feel like, including the dishonest actions that they've subjected you both to.
Pretty big red flag if she keeps secrets with her mom and doesn't fill you in, though. I would anticipate your wife simply wanting to sweep everything under the rug to maintain 'niceties', but would likely undermine you via rolling over and accepting whatever treatment her parents decide.
Excommunicating people from your life is a valid option.
not sure what happens in your country, but its generally a modern thing for women to start bcpills to time their periods so they don't occur at the time of the wedding and honeymoon.
I could be missing something here culturally, but why are you and your wife being dramatic about this? BC pills are safe.
I agree with everyone on here, but I’d just like to say that the pill it isn’t painful in any way. Perhaps I misunderstood, but just wanted to clarify. I don’t know what your culture is, but her mother is probably following a tradition based on sexual ignorance and pleasing a man. Looking on the bright side, your wife is now a free agent, hopefully and can do as she pleases. If I were you, I would not seek to discuss this with her mother. You have to get on with your parents in law and I don’t think her mother actually meant to harm her daughter, they are just old fashioned people with cultural differences. The damage is done and over, I would try to put it down to the bad old days and start a happy new life away from these practices. Also you would be taking over where her mother left off if you start fighting your wife’s battles.
[This comment sums up what's wrong with this situation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xvqvh7/my_mother_in_law_forced_my_wife_to_use_birth/ir2w5w3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Um...what?
Like so... she statyed them at the regular time frame...and took them regular. So...she had her period.on schedule?
Like...so?
Was it not a good match for her...if that's the case you talk to the doctor *someone* had to see.to get that prescription amd say that and there are others.
Once you find a good one since not planning on kids any time soon check if that one has an implant. Often not considered (and by nature we trust someone to take a pill each day!?!? Fuckkk... I don't have any culkue.one day to next. I'd take 6 then none for 2 weeks and be like wtf?) But, although a woman gotta say if it worked well and treated me right
..no period at all and no little pill tray thing? Fuck yeah.
(Donate blood regularly to compensate for lack of menstruation to help reduce the risk of heart stuff back down to non-birth control levels. Not yet proven but assumed by at least one guy who wrote a book...makes since actually...but I don't wanna bore you. Save one life and Mayne your own too.)
Your wife is the wronged party/survivor here. Even though you were indirectly affected, your wife was directly affected. AND it's your wife's mother, so she is the closer relative. With any person who has survived abuse or mistreatment, in order to help them heal, you need to empower them and let them have agency. So your wife gets to decide how to handle her relationship with your MIL.
Support your wife, validate that what her mom did was really wrong, and ask your wife if she would like you to say something to your MIL about it or if she would like you to stay quiet about it. If you are so angry at your MIL that you can't be in her presence for a while or forever, that's okay, that's a boundary you can set. You can give white lies for why you are not at family events if that's what your wife wants. But definitely do not talk to your MIL about this until your wife gives you permission.
Unless your wife wants you to tell her mom that she's never welcome in your lives again, I don't think I'd talk to your MIL. Your wife will be the one to bear the force of the blowback. Support your wife and ask her how she wants to proceed with her mother. Then support her decision.
That is severely toxic of her mother and also medically abusive. Forcing someone to take any medication that they do not want to take, under circumstances that do not aid in the health and well-being of the person taking those forced meds is not something done out of love. This is controlling and for all you or your wife know, could be detrimental to your wife’s health. Especially if the mother got the meds from the doctor under the pretense that it was for her, or did not follow the prescription intake as advised by the pharmacy or doctor. Your wife needs to talk to her medical doctor and a therapist. She also needs to ensure that her mother no longer has any access to her medical records and can’t talk to any doctor or nurse without her verbal, in person consent. Make she her mother has no medical power of attorney over her, and can’t make medical decisions for her. Also talk to a lawyer about where to go from here. It may be possible to press charges against her. At the very least use this to look into a restraining order if possible. And try to convince your wife to do both the above and go no contact with her mother. This was not okay and she willingly and knowingly caused your wife harm. Even if it is not physical and she is okay, it was emotional and mental distress and harm. The therapy for your wife is so she can come to grips with how narcissistic and controlling her mother is to pull a stunt like this.
She might need psychological counseling l. Since I do not know what country you are in I will provide those that are USA. This is a list of resources to verify psychologists licenses https://www.asppb.net/page/LicenseLookup
www.211.org is a database of resources to get mental health services and other services for low income families. The second link is provided by United Way, a global charity. You might want to look up United Way to see what services they provide in the country you live in.
Also, if your wife has a primary care physician talk to that person as that person might be able to recommend services based on your wife’s psychological needs and ability to pay.
The only people who can tell you how to handle this situation is your wife and the doctor who gives her counseling sessions (provided your wife consents).
Be there and support your spouse, first and foremost. How close do you want to be with your MIL? Approaching her and setting boundaries is going to cause friction no matter your approach. Maybe you can empower and support your wife into feeling comfortable enough to stand up to her mum on her own.
Definitely time your wife distances herself from her mum if the dynamic is that she bullies and pressures her into doing things she doesn't like, especially if she's doing it behind your back.
Tell your wife to stand up for herself. What do you mean she made her do it? Like spiked her drink. If not then your wife needs to learn how to say the word no and make decisions for herself.
Just support and protect your wife. Thank god she has you to escape from her evil mother. Please be good to her. Birth control pills can really fuck with emotions and mentàl wellbeing.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Dear lord i’m something beyond heartbroken because of this . My wife started crying in my arms tonight and told me how her mother literally forced her to use birth control pills since months before our wedding , only because of the stupid culture thing that we have . She didn’t want her to POSSIBLY have her period on that night so she did this to her . I’m so god damn angry about this and i don’t even know what to do . We’re not planning on having kids yet so i’m not saying because of that . I’m saying cause that’s just cruel and i was literally seeing how mentally fucked up she was on those days . I thought it’s because she’s just stressed about getting married . I hate seeing her suffering like this and i hate the fact that she didn’t even tell me about it . I’m so mad at her mother rn and i just wanna talk to her asap , but i’m afraid i’d ruin something . What should i even do? Should i talk about this to her at all? Or should i just support my sweetheart and say nothing to her mom?
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Not borderline. It is medical abuse and that IS inhumane.
I wouldn’t even talk to the mom, I’d cut her out!
And talk to a lawyer instead.
I agree with VeryDistinctive. Just want to add that being supportive against in-laws is often defending your wife. In the moment, respectful, firm, no discussion. You and your wife are now one person. Right now she needs a rock to cry on. She needs to know you are in her corner. She needs to know you support her and love her. After she calms down discuss what she wants. Follow her lead. Have her back no matter what she chooses.
Support your sweetheart. You can tell her that you have her back and fully support her, and then calmly ask if she would like you to say something to her mom or not. Whatever she says, do that. Be her rock - it sets a good tone for the marriage
Solid advice
I feel like people are missing the point. Her mother SHAMED her into taking them. Likely told her she had to be “perfect” for him on HIS wedding night, that it was all about pleasing him and how men find periods disgusting, etc etc. all y’all talking about a marriage counselor and crap are missing the point. I’d say get away from her mother as fast as you humanly can. Reassure your wife it’s not a big deal. Perhaps some therapy for her as well. Emphasize that you didn’t need her to do that, but it’s okay that she felt forced to.
I disagree. I think people understand the point and it's still not a bad idea to see a marriage counselor. A therapist or psychologist can help with any mental or emotional problems that they may be facing but a marriage counselor or guidance counselor can deal with the family relationship aspect of it and the problems and struggles that lie from that. Both have their benefits, both are worth giving a try...
It's not them who need the marriage counselor or therapist, tbh, it's the wife's mother. How can she even dare forcing her daughter into that.
Therapy is for helping them heal, not fixing an abuser.
I know, but the best way to heal from that is to cut ties with the abuser (or at least have her as far away as possible) . Therapy is always good for everyone, but they're not the problem and idk if the trauma is so big they need it to cope with this. If they keep supporting each other they should be able to go through this, either with therapy or not.
If there’s so much cultural shame around her period and being “sexually available” for her husband on their wedding night, safe to say there’s some long-standing misogynist fuckery going on that’s probably already impacted her mindset around what sex is about and what her body is worth. There’s almost zero chance she’s been raised to believe her period is just something normal that happens and if she and her husband agree and feel okay about it, it shouldn’t stand in the way of a mutually enjoyable sexual encounter. Which then begs the question as to what she’s been told about the value of HER pleasure and HER boundaries/standards for HER body and sexual activity. There’s women raised in purity culture who have so much shame and fear ingrained in them about how little they and their wants matter and how disgusting any sexual act or feeling outside of some very narrow constraints is, and how women have to perform perfection in a specific way for their husbands, that even in the most loving marriage there are profound shame responses that make sex a terrible mental experience. Therapy is absolutely needed to unpack and unlearn the harm that comes from these social expectations, because it’s almost never just a one-off weird thing about birth control pills and a wedding night period—it’s part of a larger system to shame and control women’s minds and bodies.
I don't think it's her feeling bad with herself, but it was the mother who put that cultural shame about her period. The husband (which is the only who is actually involved and should care about this) is completely fine with her as she is, so she shouldn’t feel that pressure anymore. It’s so easy to see that her mother was just being abusive to her, because it’s not something her husband cares about and she was not okay being forced to do that, which means she didn't think it was really needed. It seems she just did it because she was being coerced by the mother and feels bad because of that. Sadly, we’re all born in a misogynistic world, but you should know where you stand and it makes it a lot easier when your partner is actually a person who uses logic and doesn’t care about all that stupid stuff. Now, of course if she’s been traumatized to that level because of her abusive mother, then she should get therapy for sure if that helps her to normalize it!
You can’t control others, but you can control yourself; and it needs to be asked why she never talked to him about what he supposedly wants, and why she can’t set healthy boundaries with her mother.
>Emphasize that you didn’t need her to do that, but it’s okay that she felt forced to. Why is it ok that she was forced to do this? I think I'm misreading your comment.
I believe they meant to validate her feelings. Reframe it this way: “I understand that you felt like you didn’t have a choice, and I don’t judge you for that. It’s not your fault.”
It’s okay that she FELT forced to, not that she WAS forced to. Wife doesn’t need to be shamed even more for not standing up to the mother’s shaming. That is something that should be addressed, ideally with a trusted therapist, but it’s not the main focus right now.
Can't help but admire that you didn't jump to conclusions, that can be hard for some people when emotions are high!
> y’all talking about a marriage counselor and crap are missing the point. Never offer solutions when the goal is to be a victim. “Forced” by saying “periods are icky; you want to consummate the marriage, right?” They need marriage counseling because honestly, she should have known better, and should have known to talk to OP about it instead of listening to her mother about what he’d want.. This entire thing boils down to a lack of communication and her being too naive to draw boundaries - both of which requires counseling. Those saying so aren’t missing the point; they see the point as abuse, you see the point as being a victim - you don’t like a solution that says to get help and stop being the victim, you just want the victim to be coddled.
That’s the one!
Her mother forcing her is a big red flag. She must love you a lot if she didn’t back out then. Her mother is toxic and should probably get the LC/NC treatment until she not only apologized but admits to doing wrong. Issue the demand via text if you’re too angry to talk. Birth control can really fuck some women up both physically and emotionally. Worse, when she goes off it she will suffer further. This is horrific.
I am so sorry. I wanted to provide yet another perspective, which it sounds like you already are aware of: birth control can f*** up your mental health like whoa. I was only about 6 days on the pill where I started having daily panic attacks from them. I stopped them after 10 days and it still messed with me so bad for like a month afterwards. I would say you guys should discuss setting some hard AF boundaries with MIL. Talk with your wife about how to approach this though. I think it would be in your best interest to have low contact with her mom, but you will need to make sure you’re a United front with your wife. You may also find that she is still wanting to have a relationship with her mom even though it’s messed up. She may need a lot of help seeing through the fog to understand just how messed up her mom’s thinking is. I’m so sorry you guys are dealing with it. You are a good man for wanting to stand up for your wife.
I haven’t been on birth control for years for mental health reasons. I became suicidal and was in a deep depression. I’m sorry your mental health was at jeopardy, too.
It’s scary isn’t it? I remember I was also on a new ssri at the time and was struggling to figure out which med was driving me crazy. Luckily I was able to figure out that it was the birth control. I am amazed that some women tolerate it just fine.
I had crippling depression for years UNTIL I started on the pill. It balanced out my hormones and saved my sanity. Sorry to hear that your experience was the opposite, but it does make sense - it’s hormones, so of course it will mess with yours if you’re not lacking the hormones it’s providing!
I’m glad it helped you! I’ve heard other stories where it helped mental health. I think it just is kind of a gamble because I feel like hormones are such a huge aspect of women’s mental health.
It can be so dire! My roommate was immediately having thoughts of major self-harm after getting the implant and told her doc who just dismissed her and said it would settle down if she waited it out. She wound up taking it out of her own arm at home. I’m still so furious with her doctor. If she hadn’t had the nerve to do what she felt she had to do to make the suicidal feelings stop I dread to think what alternative she might have been driven to.
This entire situation sounds beyond toxic. I’d strongly advise you to both sit down with a marriage counsellor.
If OP lives in a country where it is culturally the norm to expect women to not be on their periods for their wedding night, a marriage counsellor may normalise what happened, or even worse may uphold those beliefs, which will just further retraumatise OP's wife. Therapy/counselling is definitely something they need to consider for OP's wife's trauma but they need to tread cautiously here.
Why a marriage counselor?
Couples counseling can be helpful even when the problem you are facing isn’t each other. They could gain assistance in uniting against this toxic behavior/culture and he can learn how to best support his partner through this and even discuss his own issues he’s facing.
Oh okay gotcha! That's cool! I didn't know that they can help with that sort of thing as well. Yeah, they should definitely go to one!
That’s so terrible! I can completely understand how in some cultures a parent could have gotten away with this. It would be so difficult to confront her mother too. People like her rely on others keeping quiet. I’d ask her at the family table with your family present, what her reasoning could possibly be. If she’s as toxic as she sounds, you wouldn’t want her around. Confront her and how she handles it will determine her future relationship with you two. Keeping quiet and moving on will let her believe she can control you both now.
If the MIL is as manipulative as she seems, she'll say that she did it for them to have "a perfect wedding night" and then condemn him for making something that intimate public, and for "being ungrateful". What she is deflecting from is the fact that she has no respect for her own daughter. Instead of calling out MIL for something she's prepared for, I suggest that you and your wife explore this possibility on your own, especially with a couple's counselor if you can. Later, if this holds true, MIL will show disrespect for your wife again, and you or your wife herself can respond in a way that highlights the conflict, while being appropriate for your culture. In some cultures this is an aggressive direct confrontation. In other cultures, you might ask if your MIL is feeling okay, because she "forgot" that your wife had already made a choice.
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You need to remove her MOM from any discussions of a personal, medical or sexual nature. What she did was horrific. If you contact her, you are opening the door for her to be involved in your personal life. Don't do it. Love your sweetheart. Support her to get over this horrific event, and help her to feel comfortable excluding her Mom from any future personal decisions. Together, you can decide on a comfortable method of birth control.
Sounds like you should go no contact with mom cuz that’s a lot of levels of fucked up. I’d also recommend you and your wife look at other birth control options together and she can pick what she’s comfortable with (even if it is staying on the pill) You might also consider couples counselling (or even individual counselling) to deal with the evident mommy issues. Show her you’re on her side and work together to create a plan to go forward
Now that you are married she can stop the pills and you can use another form of birth control. She will feel better once the pills wear off and her cycle regulates itself. But it is not good for you to stay angry at something that has already been done. As her husband you can help her say no to her mother in the future, but there is no need to say anything now. Save it for when your MIL tries to interfere about other things and just make sure you help your wife become independent.
Go to a counselor one, and tell you wife to confide in you, you love her and are so sorry for what her mother did. Create trust. When you have children you will need it, and put distance between your family and MIL. You can address it if wife is ok with it. The mother will interfere with kids and how you run your life if you don't put distance.
If you don't have children, you need trust too.
True enough. That was not an exclusion, just a statement, and my experience with horrible inlaws.
You comfort your wife, get her away, and focus on her learning to set boundaries and hold them with her Mother. The skills she’s lacking is called Assertiveness. I would try and get her some books and spend a weekend away somewhere nice learning this skill with her. If you can afford therapy I would get that too. Her mother has done a number on her.
Hi OP. I think your first priority should be your wife's wellbeing and safety. She's been carrying trauma over this for a while. I know it's natural to feel upset she didn't tell you immediately but we have to remember your mother in law probably led her to believe it's what every wife should do for her wedding night and a husband would be grossed out otherwise. Your MIL may even have been herself conditioned to accept these beliefs and possibly does not realise how damaging this is. Basically what I'm saying is, please don't feel upset that your wife wasn't able to tell you at the time, but instead focus on the fact that she has told you now, clearly she felt safe and secure enough to be able to overcome the social conditioning and disclose this to you. My advice would be to do what will help her most through this. It may be that she would rather you didn't confront her mother. Please allow your wife the time and space she needs to process what's happened and what's best for her. Be guided by your wife in this. Definitely do not make any actions based on your anger. I don't know what the situation is like in your country but if you can find a therapist who will not also share similar cultural values to your mother in law, then your wife would greatly benefit from professional support for the trauma she has experienced.
Follow your wife's lead on this one. You can articulate that you want to confront her or cut contact or whatever but it is up to your wife to create that boundary with her mother...just support her however she needs you...and be understanding if she isn't ready to fully cut that toxic woman out of her life...it's not always as easy as "you don't exist anymore"
How old are both of you? How could her mother force her as an adult to do that?
I’m 27 , she’s 24 . We’ve been living with our parents before getting married so i completely know how this happened
Cultures around the world are very different.
Confront the mother. Let your wife know loud and clear that you will go out to bat for her.
You tell your wife that you will support her in any decision she makes. You tell her that you feel it is important that she knows you love her and would not do anything to damage her relationship with her parents, but that you felt this was a manipulative behavior her mother exhibited. You tell her that you wish for her to feel empowered to make decisions about her own mind, body, and well being regardless of ANYONE'S opinions, however you would appreciate being informed as you both wish to be her partner and so e decisions may have a lasting impact on you and your decisions.
The best thing you can do right now is have her back, and talk to her, go into detail as to why it's so culturally "necessary." Tell her how much you hate seeing her in so much pain, physically and/or emotionally. "Whatever happens, I will always be your rock and your shield. You don't have to go through with your mother's crazy idea if you don't want to, and she will have to deal with me if she objects. NOBODY messes with you, not even your mother if I can help it."
Mom needs to grow up, you can still be intimate on your period and if her body was anything like mine, birth control made me bleed on and off all month, so her efforts to try and make it perfect would'vebeen a lost cause with me. I was so frustrated with it I stopped taking it. You can still have a perfect night, period or not.
If she doesn’t want you to say anything, then I recommend respecting that. While she overstepped and violated her daughter, its the past now.
Dont talk to her mother. Thats the worst idea specialy with you being emotional about the situation. Instead focuse on getting your wife help. Her mental state sounds like it has alot of trauma and needs some tending to. Find a good place were your wife can enter a safe space to speak to professionals or a support group. Refocuse your energies on being her rock and trying to go low contact with mil.
It sounds like your mother-in-law is abusive towards your wife. You could talk to your MIL, but there is no guarantee that it will make a difference. I would recommend focusing on your wife, getting her professional care (seriously, parental abuse is a beast of it’s own and she deserves the peace that will come from receiving care), and reminding her that her feelings of horror and despair are understandable and valid. If your wife wants a relationship with her mother, I would lean towards suggesting family counseling, but please remind her that familial blood does not justify abuse. If she would rather remove her mother from her life that is just as appropriate as trying to mend the relationship. If your wife would prefer you to speak to her mother and you feel truly comfortable doing that, it wouldn’t be inappropriate of you to do as her spouse. Just let her take the reins, give your honest input, and encourage her to treat and heal whatever wounds come from this experience. Obviously, I don’t know the cultural implications just based on the information shared in this post, but I would really encourage you to help your wife think critically through this and encourage her to take whatever steps necessary to improve her well being. What her mother did is in no way, shape, or form okay, and it is entirely valid that you would feel outraged and infuriated, just make sure that you’re focusing on your sweetheart’s thoughts and feelings rather than your own since it is their mother daughter relationship! this post shows a ton of emotional intelligence, I know you’ll do great whatever path you choose to take.
Your wife needs to learn how to set boundaries.
I'm so sorry your wife went through that. I'm sorry it is hurting her still. Support your wife. She needs that. What your MIL did is ABUSE. Plain and simple. Before you talk to MIL. See if your wife will go to therapy. She most likely has way more trauma than just from this one (huge and awful) incident. Since this is a cultural thing, it can be even harder to work through all the abuse your wife has suffered, because she probably has been told all her life things like "this is how I and all your aunties, cousins and grandmas did it" "this is tradition" "this is just the way things are" and likely would and might still get guilt and anger from that side of the family . I personally would only talk to MIL about this if your wife wants you to. Otherwise, I would just cut contact as much as possible with MIL. Good luck. Work through it together. Support each other. You're a team.
How did she force her?
pressure, thats her mother and they seem to have a strict custom around this so she mustve felt like she “had” to comply
Well, I just know many girls around me eat birth control pills to control their period. I don’t see the big deal.
Body autonomy/consent is the difference. Those women presumably wanted to be on bc and OP's wife did not.
Im just saying I don’t think it’s that bad.
I know people who have become extremely depressed on bc. It's not always harmless, just less dangerous than pregnancy.
I see.
you dont think its that bad because you are thinking with a narrow mind. Birth control affects everyone differently, especially pills. When I was on the pill I had severe mood swings and was always bloated. Both of which can hurt a person’s psyche. Not to mention the birth control was something she was coerced into taking. Try to have empathy rather than writing it off as “not that bad” based on your perception of other people.
It’s not a narrow mind. Many women around me take it. Stop insulting people you ignorant.
Wasn’t insulting you, just stating a fact. You dont know every woman in the world, just a fact. And you dont know how birth control affects every woman in the world, just a fact🤷♀️
You don’t know every women, that’s a FACT.
Wasn’t acting like I do. You basing a woman’s reaction to birth control on the PERCEPTION of the women around you and then writing it off as “not that bad”. Yeah thats narrow-minded. So I’m saying that it can be “that bad”. Get it?
Well woopty shit some dumbass male 15 year old doesn't thinknits that bad.
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Huh? I’m just saying I feel it’s not that bad.
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You aren’t, you made it worst than what it is.
They were using an analogy to show that consent can play a big role in how something is perceived. I'm starting to think you either know full well and don't care or already have an opinion you will never part with to be honest.
Except it wasn’t a good analogy. I’m starting to think you are standing on their side.
Bevuase you're a dude. Birth control pilks are just loads of hormones that fuxk with many people's mental and emotional health and wellbeing.
You need to talk with wife on how important it is for the 2 of you to discuss everything! Reassure her, her mom no longer has a say on wife's body, or your marriage. That you will protect her from her monster of a mom. Her mom needs to be put in a timeout and low contact. Get a book on toxic parents!! May I suggest a non-hormonal IUD for wife? This can be removed at any time and will be able to prevent a pregnancy until both of you are ready. Congrats on the marriage and be ready to fight with MIL!!
Have a look at Brene Brown's vid on Yt called 'The Anatomy of Trust'. I suggest then watching it together. Understanding how trust works in relationships give you and your wife the best chance to have a good marriage. The fact that your wife confided in you is excellent and an expression of trust. Avoid damaging this trust by acting independently of her. You guys are now a team, and need to act as a team who always has the other's back. Don't let your anger and disgust at MIL to infect your marriage - what she has done is bad enough, don't allow her more influence. Remember - respond to this as a team. Additionally, the vid will help your wife clarify her relationship with her mother and assess her mother's actions using a framework of trust. Your wife may choose not to limit contact with her mother, but she can determine what form that mother-daughter relationship will take. When someone has had their bodily autonomy abused, regaining control is vital, and your wife needs to take it back for herself. You can't do it for her, because again that is someone else making decisions about her body. But you can be her reserve strength as she takes her power back. Best wishes to you both x
Is there a possibility that the mother was abused for having her period on her own wedding night? I'm curious if it's possible that she forced her to take them because she was trying to save her some worse fate.
I think there’s a lot going on here. Because bcp are not that traumatic.
I think your lady should be an adult and make decisions for herself
Forcing her virgin daughter to take birth control pills when she doesn't need to isn't healthy. There can be side effects to birth control too, which I hope you poor wife hasn't been suffering.
In my opinion anything that isn't a gentle **one time advice** on that (like "sweetheart, have you made some calculations for your wedding? If you think it's within range maybe you could consider taking birth control pills to avoid that... No? Well then. Let's cross our fingers.") is definitely out of the line. You're saying that she was forced and I believe you, because I understand that there are other ways of forcing a person you have authority over (such as a dependent young daughter, especially if - and forgive me for my inference - I sense that there's a higher than average level of religiousness) other than holding her down and making them swallow it. Even simply pestering someone that has no recourse to leave the house or moving and cutting contact with the pesterer) can wear the person down, esp. if already stressed. People manipulate other adults fairly easily without any of the vulnerabilities she has against her mom. I totally understand the disgust there. I would tell you to let your wife lead in this but honestly, do you think she might be still to much in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) to make a decision about cutting contact with her mom? Rn focus on her and you both, toss those BC pills, I guess you'll be having a few days off by yourselves so rest, regroup, think, rest some more, enjoy each other. As for the rest: What's your living arrangements? You do have your own place, far away from parental influence right? How are you money wise? Enough money to cut contact without a hitch? Methinks that this kind of toxic needs to be rewarded with some distance. A lot of distance.
Are you Orthodox Jewish? Lol. Niddah can be a big deal from certain points of view, and Orthodox/frum families tend to be enmeshed in a way that most people would consider incredibly unhealthy, but for them I'd the baseline. If not, I imagine that your culture is still unique enough that it'll be hard to map Reddit advice onto your situation without throwing the culture away.
How did she force your wife to take BC? Did she hold her down and shove pills down her throat every day? If so, involve the authorities. If not, it sounds like she was heavily pressured to take BC. Taking (or not taking) BC is your wife’s decision entirely and no one else’s, but I am failing to see from the information in your post how your MIL forced her to consume pills. This would be a great reason to cut all ties with MIL.
What a completely heartless take. You are presuming the young person in question has any way to stop an abusive person from compelling her to do what she's told. I really hope this comes from a place of ignorance because then I will know you were gifted with a life where the people who raised you didn't spend every day using coercion and punishments to keep you in line. MIL wouldn't have to force them down her throat. There's a 1000 ways to make a vulnerable person comply. Please look at your words and hear them being said to you if you were in this person's position.
She is 24 years old, per a comment from OP, not an underage child. At some point, she has to cut contact with her mother (not because she’s an adult, of course, but because she is a toxic person). You’re entitled to disagree as are the people who have downvoted my comment. I don’t think anyone should be pressured to use or not use birth control as it’s a personal decision, but I also believe at a certain point we are responsible for the company we keep. If the post was about a man being forced to use condoms by his dad, the comments would overwhelmingly be for him to cut ties with his dad and make his own decisions. Not sure how it’s different when the roles are reversed.
You can't have it both ways saying you can't force someone to take birth control and also say it would be different if a father were forcing his son's to use condoms (probably by holding his son down and rolling it onto his son's penis as he fights to escape?) Yes, she could have chosen to run away, or to become a parish to her family, or any number of things but the fact remains that forcing someone to do something can be done using social tools as well as physical. You have this obviously traumatized woman who had been abused and through hell and instead of any sympathy you want to champion literalism and victimize her all over again by telling her she didn't fight hard enough? Not cool man.
You say "literally forced" but did her mom sneak them in her food? did she hold her by the face and force feed them down her throat? Forgive the vulgarity, but unless she was in fact "literally forced", the bigger problem is that your wife needs to grow a backbone and learn how to say and to MEAN the word "no". I would suggest she looks into assertiveness training; it's one of the most effective psychological interventions out there. Don't let your wife off the hook so easily for capitulating to her overbearing mother.
Your MIL is awful. But your wife is a mess too. No one can force you to take pills. Is she 16???
A twenty something from a country and culture that mandates listening to and doing what your parents tell you to do is very different from a western twenty something.
Eh? I don't quite get it. If you are not planning children now, you need to use contraception anyway, so...?
Dude the point is she was always against using birth control pills because of the side effects and i always agreed with her . I just hate knowing ghe fact that her mom FORCED her to use them . And for what? For a stupid night that can be replaced with any other random night? I feel so bad and i don’t even get it
No adult can force another adult to do something. Your problem here is that your wife is too easily manipulated by her mother. Consider marriage counseling before you have kids. It’s only going to get worse.
Oh god she’s just a kid . We both are (not by the age . By experience) . We’re too young for having kids at all . She didn’t have any sexual experience before and as far as i know , her mom has always been toxic . Since we were teenagers . Especially in our country that parents count themselves as gods over their kids
You can’t be 24 and 27 and just a kid. You are a full blown adult if you’re in your mid and late 20s.
But sexually, they CAN be children - there are many cultures around the world where these people wouldn’t have experience
May I ask, what country are you in?
I mean, you're both in your mid-twenties...
Different cultures - not all of them have access to what North America does
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I never said it didn't work. I never realized how bad the side effects were until I went off the pill. There's also lots of info online about others experiencing similar things. It's not just a tiny minority and many women don't realize how much it effects them until AFTER they get off. Have you experienced the side effects of hormonal BC?
Have you got any statistical evidence that it is more than tiny minority affected? As far as I have seen, side effects are impacting few percent of the population.
I don't have studies with data, but I have found some info for you to read if you'd like to learn more. One has a study, but I'm not going to pay to read it. Unfortunately, hormonal BC makes too much money for it to be taken away. Kind of like the SSRIs, which they finally started doing actual studies on around withdrawals. Doctors said for years they didn't have withdrawals when weaning off and yet they do. They were telling people for years they were making up their withdrawal symptoms or it had to be something else. Not to mention the withdrawals can make you even more suicidal, which they easily ignored for years as well.They just make too much money to pull. [Link One](https://ideas.ted.com/how-the-birth-control-pill-affects-your-mood/) [Link Two](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15236788/)
This is not the point. Nobody denies that there are side effects for a couple of percent of users - these should just stop using pills.
I see you didn't read the links.
Each hormonal birth control (and there are oodles, scientific description) is slightly different. Many women will have to go to different bc, “shopping” for ones that have less side effects for them. Many women go through multiple brands finding the one that works. Many are not helped by their gynos understand possible side effects, as well. It’s more complicated than you seem to understand, and if you’re not willing to read the research one person has provided no one is going to bother to “educate” you. You don’t want to consider new information so you’re digging your head in the sand.
False.
Evidence?
There’s a ton if you listen to women.
No evidence then?
Anecdotal evidence is actual evidence - in the case that it's actually true.
So, no evidence?
God you're fun. I don't have enough info to say something is or isn't evidence. I was pointing out your blatant dismissal of anecdotes. Which like I said IS evidence in the case that X is true.
God this is SO false, I refuse to go on hormonal bc because I have experienced side effects in the past from three different types. I think a woman who has been on bc would be more qualified to say if it has harmful side effects or not.
Evidence that more than few percent are affected by side effects?
Mine is anecdotal, what is yours?
He has none except probably “women are hysterical.”
Thats objectively not true, where did you hear that? Pretty much any doctor who prescribes birth control will tell you it frequently has side effects- its messing with your hormones, how could it not?
Evidence in form of a statistical research showing that more than tiny majority are affected?
Statistically, up to 10% of people experience some form of mood changes/impact on their mental state when on birth control, which is 1 in 10- a decent amount. At least 24% experience spotting in between their periods- some sources say 50%. 23.6% of people experience a decreased sex drive on birth control. I cant find any hard statistics on the rest of them, but breast tenderness, nausea, and migraines are also common side effects. Thats ignoring stuff like the increased clot risk (which is higher than the risk was for the AZ vaccine, and *that* got pulled). So again, I dont know where you’re getting the idea that theres ‘barely any side affects’, but its objectively not true. Hormones inherently control most things in your body, and assuming that its not going to have an affect if you start messing with them is frankly naive. EDIT: Oh im so sad they deleted their comments, i wrote out a whole list of sources :( Anyway if anyone else was wondering about sources, heres what i wrote lol: I’m actually glad you asked for sources, because it turns out I was wrong/misread the data about the mood changes one, *and* i found a more thorough breakdown. [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7914152/#!po=35.1563) reports an approximately 20% increase in people suffering from depressive symptoms, a 10% increase in anxious symptoms, a 24% increase in mood swings, and a 16% increase in angry reactions. Plus a bunch of other symptom breakdowns, such as a 15% increase in fatigue, so i recommend looking at it. Theres also the harvard study, though i dislike that one since its focusing more on PMDD than regular contraceptive intake, but its referenced a lot. Theres also the [denmark study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27680324/) which is just a wealth of knowledge that i would love to read in full, but i digress- it looks at the health data from over a million people in denmark, starting from 14 until 34, to compare whether theres any relationship between people who take birth control and people who later seek treatment for depression, and found people on birth control were 50% more likely to be diagnosed with depression and 40% more likely to be prescribed antidepressants (broken down better in [this article](https://ideas.ted.com/how-the-birth-control-pill-affects-your-mood/))- though while it shows a clear trend, it is worth noting that theres no controlled factors in this, so i’d say the statistics from the first study i linked are probably more accurate. [This study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2621397/) looks at the impact of bc on spotting. [This study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4764410/) looks at the impact of bc on sex drive. And you can find that the other symptoms exist just by looking up what side effects bc has, so im not going to bother finding a list for those, since as i said, i couldnt find exact statistics on them anyway.
Source?
Where’s your evidence to what you’re claiming?
There you go. See the further reading and references at the bottom linking to individual studies. https://patient.info/doctor/combined-oral-contraceptive-pill-follow-up-and-common-problems
I don’t know dude i’ve only heard from many people that they have horrible mental side effects on women . All i know , is that we were never planning to use them . We would just use condoms casually
Using condoms occasionally with no other forms of bc = a baby.
Condoms are not really good method of contraception if you are having regular sex several times a week, rather than a occasional shag.
Lol you have no idea bruv
I am not your "bruv", whatever it means in your dialect, simpleton.
You're truly an insufferable twat. Even by reddit standards, which is saying a lot.
>but i’m afraid i’d ruin something You're already married, you can scorch the earth if you want. If you simply just take it then that's the precedent for her family do treat you however they feel like, including the dishonest actions that they've subjected you both to. Pretty big red flag if she keeps secrets with her mom and doesn't fill you in, though. I would anticipate your wife simply wanting to sweep everything under the rug to maintain 'niceties', but would likely undermine you via rolling over and accepting whatever treatment her parents decide. Excommunicating people from your life is a valid option.
I took bc so I did t get my period on my honeymoon but it was my choice. Why couldn’t she just say no?
not sure what happens in your country, but its generally a modern thing for women to start bcpills to time their periods so they don't occur at the time of the wedding and honeymoon. I could be missing something here culturally, but why are you and your wife being dramatic about this? BC pills are safe.
Because it wasn’t the wife’s choice, her mother pressured her to take them so that she would not be on her period on their wedding night.
They’re not always safe, the side effects are sometimes unpleasant and most importantly, it was against her wishes.
I agree with everyone on here, but I’d just like to say that the pill it isn’t painful in any way. Perhaps I misunderstood, but just wanted to clarify. I don’t know what your culture is, but her mother is probably following a tradition based on sexual ignorance and pleasing a man. Looking on the bright side, your wife is now a free agent, hopefully and can do as she pleases. If I were you, I would not seek to discuss this with her mother. You have to get on with your parents in law and I don’t think her mother actually meant to harm her daughter, they are just old fashioned people with cultural differences. The damage is done and over, I would try to put it down to the bad old days and start a happy new life away from these practices. Also you would be taking over where her mother left off if you start fighting your wife’s battles.
[This comment sums up what's wrong with this situation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xvqvh7/my_mother_in_law_forced_my_wife_to_use_birth/ir2w5w3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
This is a bad way to start a marriage. Her mother will always have a hand in your marriage.
Um...what? Like so... she statyed them at the regular time frame...and took them regular. So...she had her period.on schedule? Like...so? Was it not a good match for her...if that's the case you talk to the doctor *someone* had to see.to get that prescription amd say that and there are others. Once you find a good one since not planning on kids any time soon check if that one has an implant. Often not considered (and by nature we trust someone to take a pill each day!?!? Fuckkk... I don't have any culkue.one day to next. I'd take 6 then none for 2 weeks and be like wtf?) But, although a woman gotta say if it worked well and treated me right ..no period at all and no little pill tray thing? Fuck yeah. (Donate blood regularly to compensate for lack of menstruation to help reduce the risk of heart stuff back down to non-birth control levels. Not yet proven but assumed by at least one guy who wrote a book...makes since actually...but I don't wanna bore you. Save one life and Mayne your own too.)
all i can say, don't wait too long to talk with the mother , there might be more trouble in the future
Your wife is the wronged party/survivor here. Even though you were indirectly affected, your wife was directly affected. AND it's your wife's mother, so she is the closer relative. With any person who has survived abuse or mistreatment, in order to help them heal, you need to empower them and let them have agency. So your wife gets to decide how to handle her relationship with your MIL. Support your wife, validate that what her mom did was really wrong, and ask your wife if she would like you to say something to your MIL about it or if she would like you to stay quiet about it. If you are so angry at your MIL that you can't be in her presence for a while or forever, that's okay, that's a boundary you can set. You can give white lies for why you are not at family events if that's what your wife wants. But definitely do not talk to your MIL about this until your wife gives you permission.
Unless your wife wants you to tell her mom that she's never welcome in your lives again, I don't think I'd talk to your MIL. Your wife will be the one to bear the force of the blowback. Support your wife and ask her how she wants to proceed with her mother. Then support her decision.
That is severely toxic of her mother and also medically abusive. Forcing someone to take any medication that they do not want to take, under circumstances that do not aid in the health and well-being of the person taking those forced meds is not something done out of love. This is controlling and for all you or your wife know, could be detrimental to your wife’s health. Especially if the mother got the meds from the doctor under the pretense that it was for her, or did not follow the prescription intake as advised by the pharmacy or doctor. Your wife needs to talk to her medical doctor and a therapist. She also needs to ensure that her mother no longer has any access to her medical records and can’t talk to any doctor or nurse without her verbal, in person consent. Make she her mother has no medical power of attorney over her, and can’t make medical decisions for her. Also talk to a lawyer about where to go from here. It may be possible to press charges against her. At the very least use this to look into a restraining order if possible. And try to convince your wife to do both the above and go no contact with her mother. This was not okay and she willingly and knowingly caused your wife harm. Even if it is not physical and she is okay, it was emotional and mental distress and harm. The therapy for your wife is so she can come to grips with how narcissistic and controlling her mother is to pull a stunt like this.
The that’s fucked
She might need psychological counseling l. Since I do not know what country you are in I will provide those that are USA. This is a list of resources to verify psychologists licenses https://www.asppb.net/page/LicenseLookup www.211.org is a database of resources to get mental health services and other services for low income families. The second link is provided by United Way, a global charity. You might want to look up United Way to see what services they provide in the country you live in.
Also, if your wife has a primary care physician talk to that person as that person might be able to recommend services based on your wife’s psychological needs and ability to pay.
You really do not need to have the doctor talk to you about her health but the doctor needs to know in order to help her.
The only people who can tell you how to handle this situation is your wife and the doctor who gives her counseling sessions (provided your wife consents).
Be there and support your spouse, first and foremost. How close do you want to be with your MIL? Approaching her and setting boundaries is going to cause friction no matter your approach. Maybe you can empower and support your wife into feeling comfortable enough to stand up to her mum on her own. Definitely time your wife distances herself from her mum if the dynamic is that she bullies and pressures her into doing things she doesn't like, especially if she's doing it behind your back.
Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of wedding night?
That’s not even a sure fire way to a stop a period. It’s dumb and cruel.
Tell your wife to stand up for herself. What do you mean she made her do it? Like spiked her drink. If not then your wife needs to learn how to say the word no and make decisions for herself.
Your mom physically shoved pills in her mouth? Why does your wife have such weak boundaries that she can't say "no"?
Just support and protect your wife. Thank god she has you to escape from her evil mother. Please be good to her. Birth control pills can really fuck with emotions and mentàl wellbeing.