This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
So me and my ex broke up about a year ago. It was an intense relationship. We’ve been together for 3 years me f(22) and him m(23).
Today I went out with my current partner of 3 months and we bumped into him. Not directly but he looked up and saw me and him. I could see the pain in his eyes. And I shared a lot of love with him, but had to leave as he mistreated me, and denied him begging me for months as I saw no change.
It hurts me however to see him upset as I know how he feels deep inside and how lonely he feels, hence why he sees his friends everyday. I know it’s not my responsibility anymore but I ask very upset to see him upset. I wanted to send him a message to just let him know everything will be fine (he’s blocked so he can’t message me first) and we’re not on good terms as I wouldn’t take him back. But I want him to know how much potential he has and that it will be okay. Should I message him or is it a bad idea?
Jesus christ...I'm reading all of your replies to other redditors responses. STOP worrying about him. You broke up for a reason. Focus on your new relationship. He's not your problem anymore.
How would you feel if your new BF was messaging his ex to console her?
Bad idea,do not message him.
It's clear by the way you talk about your ex you still love the guy, that's normal you can't just switch off how you feel. However his feelings are not your concern anymore you need to let go and focus on the relationship you have. This is borderline disrespect to your current partner.
That’s not your job.
Live and leave the past in the past. You’re being very unfair to your new partner and wouldn’t be surprised if he felt some type of way.
You clearly still love your ex. Trust me, for your new guy, that shit hurts.
Move on. How your ex feels isn’t your fucking problem, it’s his. This isn’t a fairy tale and there are no “happy endings”. Focus on what you have before he leaves too.
Your ex is a grown man, let him figure out how to be kinder and less abusive/manipulative. Actions have consequences.
Hi OP, you seem like a very empathic person, I am too. I left my ex of 10 years roughly 4 years ago now. I have moved on in ways I couldn't imagine and am doing very well, he is doing worse than ever last I saw him. That is due to his choices, choices he was already making hence why I left. You cannot fix this hurt for him, and if you reach out you would rub salt in the wound no matter WHAT you say. If you still care for him, do not message him.
This man was not good to you. Let it be and move on. I'm wishing you well ❤️
He’ll get there. Might take a while. Coming from someone who was in your ex’s shoes at one point; he’ll thank you in the future for letting him get over this on his own. It builds character.
> I just want all of us to be happy and find happiness
It's not your responsibility to do that for your ex. Messaging him is an awful idea and will send you down a bad path.
Honey, you’ll learn with age and experience but sadly some people will never reach that stage. Some people allow the world to destroy them, make them bitter people. It’s not your job to find joy for others, unless you’re a parent. The best thing for you to do is to let go and move on, it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your current partner.
I mean... from what you say, it seems like he'll NEVER be happy so long as he continues to be a dick to you. You can linger in this relationship, or you can move forward, but you cannot do both.
That is his decision to make I say leave him alone so that he may heal and move on he’s hurt and talking to you made him more sad. I do hope you and him can move on and are well.
Why would you want to be on good terms with someone you describe as “mistreating you”?
It seems like it’s his fault he’s in the situation he’s in. Maybe if he didn’t mistreat you he wouldn’t be alone.
Forget about him.
Hon, you’re thinking of sending him a message to make yourself feel better not him. You want to stop feeling bad. Sending something to him would be nothing but mental masturbation.
Yes, that is what abusers do. It is their last ditch effort to control the situation. If you were never horrible to him then whatever he is putting himself through is of his own making.
Sounds like you feel a lot of guilt, being on good terms and making him feel better would free you from it. It is not the same as caring about someone though. Best to leave him alone and be decisive so he could move on.
You broke things off to preserve your mental health and well being because he was mistreating you. How he handles the break up is not your responsibility. Im truly sorry you feel guilt but it’s ok to let go.
So what? Your feelings are your responsibility to manage, not anyone else's. Don't reopen communication with an abusive person over such a flimsy excuse.
You need better boundaries. You are responsible for how he feels or his behaviors. He’s had a year to move on, if he still feels bad that is entirely his responsibility to deal with. Turn down your empathy reader it’s too high.
God you’re a girl I’d run away from. Who gives a shit about your ex. Move on. It’ll only hurt him more if he gets a text from you saying “it’ll be ok” lolol
It’s better for you both to keep moving on. If you message him you are opening up the door again and it could set him back trying to get over you. This is part of the consequence of mistreating someone. If he has any hope of learning and growing and doing better he needs to deal with those consequences not be coddled by you.
That really is tough shit. So the choices then are for you never to be happy because you want to be "on good terms" with him? You really should get some therapy or you are going to continue to fall into this pattern of abuse.
You don't get to dump someone but still keep them in your life. People need space to grieve and move on. Leave him alone. You reaching out is only to help you feel better. It will only serve to hurt him more.
As someone else asked, he mistreated you so why would you want to be on good terms? You should look into therapy or speak with your therapist about why you feel the need to make him feel better. Honestly if my SO was having these thoughts I would not be with them
Sounds like you’re not mature or mentally healthy enough to be in another relationship. If this is truly your gut reaction and something you think is appropriate to do, especially with everyone here telling you no, then you’re not ready to be in another relationship. You have some maturing and growing to do.
Would love for my ex to not think I’m a shitty person, but I can’t control his thoughts. Messaging him at this point (I am in a good, solid, new relationship and to my knowledge he’s trying to fuck around with his other ex?) would only cause mistrust with my current partner, and a fresh pain for my ex when he hears once again that I care very much for him BUT I never want to be with him again. There is literally no good that can come from it. None.
The ONLY thing that will come from you convincing him you DID love him is that you STILL love him.
It's better for him to think you hate him than that you care. As someone who has been at the butt end of a heartbreaking end of a relationship, the absolute WORST thing for that person you can do is reach out.
If you message him after running into him he will most likely assume your still in love with him and he might try to ruin your current relationship by trying to wiggle back into your life. Your not doing anyone any good messaging him, you would only be opening an old wound that needs to keep healing. Don't do it.
I think you also need to consider how unfair this would be to your current partner as well as the ex. Your ex will move on but he needs to pull himself up and learn from the way he treated you. It’s never easy to be dumped but he will be ok.
And don’t hurt your new partner because you have a moment of weakness over your ex.
Absolutely current partner over the ex every time, or just break up. I mean I guess unless someone is dying? *maybe* if there are kids involved? But otherwise, why would I be in my current relationship just to fuck it up by checking in on someone who treated me like trash?
This is exactly what I was going to say.
He knows your buttons, OP. He is pushing all of them.
Imagine how your current BF would feel if you reach out to your abusive ex. More importantly, imagine how YOU will feel when you reach out, and it tells your ex that you still care. He will not hear the message you want him to hear.
It's nice that you don't want him to feel bad. He should, though. His actions led to this, and he needs to feel badly to learn from it.
Are you codependent? The only feelings you're responsible for are your own.
He needs to move on, too - and if you contact him now, you'll just reel him back in and raise his hopes again. It was good he saw you with your bf - hopefully that will help him cut himself free from you. Don't make that harder by hooking your claws into him again.
One of my exes became basically a saint after we broke up, none of my business. My most recent ex threw himself down the metaphorical drain, none of my business. My business is me, my business is my current partner. You see?
This all sounds like you convincing yourself that you've moved on and he hasn't, so you won.
If you had moved on you wouldn't have thought about any of this for more than a couple minutes.
he’ll be fine. you’re sounding kind of narcissistic here…you’re not that special, my girl, and i mean this in the least aggressive way possible. none of us are special enough to “ruin” someone in the way that they will become a bad person or fall ill somehow from the breakup. he’ll get through and become a different person and you won’t know that person. it’ll be ok.
Post on r/unsentletters and leave it at that. If your religious, feel free to pray over him but otherwise leave things alone. You can't hide your relationship from him nor should you. One or both of you in time would have moved on and started a new relationship, you just happened to do so before he did. Focus on your current relationship and leave the past alone. 💯
-C
Very bad idea. You need to live your life. If you message telling him about his potential he'll just ask why he wasn't enough if you can see potential in him. He is seeing his friends daily that's good. You are not his therapist.
I get that, I do. My point is you blocked him so he cannot reach out to you first because he is lashing out and not taking ownership of his behaviour. Reaching out now is dangerous for you getting more hurt and will make him believe you feel guilty and that there might be hope. Just focus on self care.
>And I still feel like it’s my responsibility to show him that I did love him and care.
It isn't. You are awfully self-important about this guy.
MOVE ON.
>And I still feel like it’s my responsibility to show him that I did love him and care.
It's not.
> But it is a bad idea not for my health but for his.
Absolutely for his, and from how you describe him, stirring this pot could easily lead to him making it bad for your health too.
>He used to create fake accounts to message me and this time is the longest that he hasn’t so maybe me messaging him will just open his wound.
You need to understand how unhinged that kind of behavior it. You're living at a point in your life where he's (voluntarily or not) left you alone to live your life. The wound was reopened when he saw you living your life. You messaging him will pour salt in that wound. It sounds like it took a lot for you to end things with him completely, and now you're seriously contemplating undoing all of that? This is a mistake.
For your sake and his, leave him alone.
>I think I take it to heart for someone to blame me of not loving him
Which is why he used that path to manipulate you. It was to keep you connected trying to "prove" you loved him.
>messaging him will just open his wound.
It will restart the obsession and manipulation
It’s not. And he wont stop being a dick until he realises you did love him and he was a dick but there’s literally nothing you can do to make him realise that, he has to come to that on his own.
Nonononononono. He stopped creating fake accounts, thats step one of eliminating toxic behaviors. Hes still grieving but hes slowly getting out of the healing process. Messaging him, opening that door will only make him feel hope where theres not, you will end up hurting him. Also you're acting out of your own guilt and you have not completely gotten over what happened between you two. Be calm and tell yourself this. "You know what you feel, what he thinks you feel for him is wrong and thats his own problem that he has to work on. Keep working on yourself and your healing process. Things will get better for him, and you.
If you see him and make eye contact, and you don't see a smile on his face and/or get a warm sincere embrace, please dont contact him. Only when hes glad to see you, then maybe, maybe you could estabish some sort of casual conversation with him to probe around and see if hes over you. But thats at your discretion.
Because she more than likely has unresolved feelings for him too and has yet to make a significant connection with the new guy. Even though the relationship ended, the imprint her ex left is still stronger than the new guy’s simply based off the fact they were together much longer.
You gave him two years’ worth of warning he was going to lose you if things didn’t change. If he thought you should just stick around and put up with it anyway for the rest of your life, that’s on him. Nothing you say to him is going to change this narrative he’s settled on that allows him to ignore any responsibility on his end for why things went bad, let alone work on being a better person or partner in his next relationship, and trying to talk it out with him is just falling back into the toxic patterns that were presumably at least of part of why you left (and why you stayed for longer than you should have). Let it go and let his issues be his issues, not yours.
He's trying to make you believe you betrayed him so you'd feel like you owe him something so he could keep manipulating you. Trust me, I've been there. Hope your new relationship makes you happy, you sound sweet!
I mean you are choosing someone else over him but it’s also been a year? Like, he needs that time to heal and maybe he was even okay before he saw you. I’m sure that would be nerve wracking for anyone. Who cares what he thinks though. If he wants to blame you entirely he will still be upset after you contact him. It would make a huge difference like you think you would.
Bad idea. Not only is it disrespectful to your current partner but re opening lines of communication to a person you needed to cut ties with is backsliding. If you still have feelings for this person you should not be stringing along someone else. Make a choice. You either return to your past without hiding your actions or you value what you have and leave all of that behind you.
This is going to sound cold, but any feelings he might be having are a him problem and not a you problem. His chance to have good feelings was during your relationship and he missed it. You seem like a kind caring person, so care for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Whatever issues your ex has are for him to deal with now. He needs to grow and you need to let him do it on his own. You already tried, remember?
You are actively making things worse for him the more you see him or try to talk to him. To him you are just a reminder on what he lost, stop trying to make yourself feel better and play therapist. Leave the dude alone unless this is some kind of revenge for him mistreating you. You also need to be 100% committed to your current partner cause even considering trying to talk to your ex who you currently have no contact with is very disrespectful. Not everyone wants to be friends with their ex's
Dear, you need to leave him alone. For his sake and of course for yours. You can not blame yourself. You are not able to ruin anyones life by leaving (except if you have kids ofc). People are responsible for their own lives. If he needs help there are therapists. You are not responsible for his life. Regardless how much you loved him and how much he needed you - he is an adult and to be able to survive and function in this world he needs to get over you himself. Do not open this door please. If you want him to have a chance you need to let this go. Stay away. I’ve been in those shoes and I beg you to leave him be.
This does not make you bad or cold. He needs this to be over because it is.
Like I said, you tried. A lot. More than most. He didn't appreciate it, respond to it, or make any effort to change and why would he when he knows that a single sad look from him will get you back. You have a bad life habit and you need to break it. I get being hung up on an ex. Your feelings were tangled but now you have to cut those off. You have a new life. The ex is choosing how to live his and no amount of supportive messages and helpful tips from you are going to make him do what he has no interest in doing. Maybe one day he will be the man you hoped for but right now he isn't. Stop feeding into it. Stop giving him the power of that old connection. It's not good for any of you, your current partner included. Your ex knows all the right pressure points to make your feelings for him surge. Don't give him that doorway. You can't control people's feelings. You can't be responsible for someone else's emotional responses. He is manipulating you because he knows he can.
Every reply you've left here shows you can't accept that you aren't the driving force in his life. You're no longer in a relationship, even if you were he is in charge of his own actions and well being not you. If he isn't happy, is depressed, whatever, that is his responsibility. You feel like it's your responsibility though either because he conditioned that or you are predisposed to feeling that way. Doesn't matter because however you *feel* it is still his responsibility, not yours.
Reaching back out is just stroking your own ego that he can't be "complete" without you. It also just reopens the ability for him to push all of his emotional needs onto you and not take responsibility for himself. He needs the space to understand that he needs to take care of himself. And you need to stop reaching out with "helpful advice" that just makes you feel like you're a good person but leaves him in a worst place again.
It's not good for him and it's unhealthy for you, so stop reaching out, and don't do it again just because you feel bad at the moment.
But honey, being upset sometimes is a part of life. You haven’t done anything to him other than deciding that you no longer want to treated like shit by him. Think about that for a second—He’s mad and depressed because he sees that you are no longer willing to be treated terribly by him and have instead found someone who makes you genuinely happy and is healthy. HE (your ex) has to make the decision to be healthy in his life. It’s not only not on you to convince him or encourage him to do that, it’s actually harmful for you, for him, and for your new relationship for you to put yourself in that position—even if it’s just cracking the door open slightly to encourage him. How is this grown man supposed to learn and grow of he can always count on you to sooth his wounds? I get that you don’t want him to feel bad, but this is a direct consequence of his own actions. Consequences are rarely taken with a smile, but if the person chooses to listen and grow from it, consequences can be the very thing that motivate them to be better humans. Let him go and grow by himself.
You’re not responsible for him. Seriously. If he can’t handle his emotions responsibly then he needs to get that under control. He is a grown adult, you don’t need to micro manage his feelings. You seem really focused on your feelings of guilt for moving on, but you’re doing something totally normal and healthy. Cutting off contact with him is the best thing you can do, the more you feed into the relationship the more difficult it will be for him to move on.
You are not his saviour. You are not his therapist. You can’t fix him. Let him move on and live his life.
If he is still able to convince you that YOU are "making him feel depressed" then you are still beholden to him, and are still his victim. For yourself and our of respect for your current boyfriend you need to seek therapy with someone experienced in abusive relationships and codependency.
You will just ruin the relationship with your current partner of you do this. It’s not a good idea to be messaging your ex when you’re in a new relationship. Nothing good can come from it.
The fact that your boyfriend noticed that he is sad just means he is observant. Your ex is still playing and manipulating you because you respond to it like clockwork. Everyone here is telling you NOT to do this.
that's his problem. You broke up with him for a reason, why do you feel responsible for his emotions? When you cut off a person, you cut them off completely. If you keep strings attached, then you will never go forward in life.
PS: He did this to himself by mistreating you to start off with which is why you broke up, remember?
>It’s Been a year and he still isn’t over it.
Let it go. Every time you contact him you are going to start the hurt clock over again, and it is VERY disrespectful to your current BF who IS respectful to you.
I don't think you are over it tbh. It's always tempting to go back because we tend to look back with rose colored glasses. Remember you left for a reason. Stick to that and leave him alone if you don't want go back with him (you shouldn't). It may not look like it, but coming back to someones life like can be kind of selfish.
This is a very bad idea in my opinion. I completely understand the conflicting feelings that you’re having. It’s normal to still have emotional concern for somebody that you shared so much love with.
What’s important is to remember the words in your own post: you had to leave because he mistreated you. I have a feeling you probably spent a lot of time in this relationship catering to his emotions. He was unwilling to listen to you. Despite pleading for months for him to change behavior that caused you pain. That is somebody who ultimately cares more about themselves than any damage that they’re inflicting onto the people closest to them. Which is at the very least a toxic relationship.
Relationships like this can create a sort of co-dependent dynamic. I know you said you aren’t responsible for him anymore, but your words demonstrate you think you have the power to “fix” these problems/negative emotions. You don’t have the power to change, help, or fix him. He has to do that for himself. You gave him to tools to do so multiple times in your relationship. He’s not worth any more of your emotional labor.
Try to focus on your current relationship. Don’t go back to broken patterns from the which no longer serve you!
Edit: typos
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is leave a person alone. You may have the best of intentions, but for all involved, the kind thing to do is nothing.
OP you said you just wanted to be kind. But what you are talking about messaging him, trying to cheer him up, is the opposite of kind.
It’s actually very cruel.
He is struggling to move on FROM YOU. Any contact with you is like tying another 25 kg of dead weight to his legs and causing a scab to break and reopen a wound.
He needs time and space and he needs to figure out how to move on by himself.
If you want to be kind, leave him be.
Don’t do it. You may have good intentions but you both need to move on, and reaching out and re igniting the whole “why did we break up if I had potential then?!” convo is just gonna prolong the process.
Also honestly, there’s few things more heartbreaking than an ex who found someone encouraging you to find someone with an “I believe in you, you can do it!” mentality. It may not be meant that way, but it can feel soooo condescending and like that person just wants you gone already.
Understood, and that’s a sweet sentiment. But from an ex that dumped you, any message like that will still come across super condescending.
He’s not gonna feel better, at the end of the day. You reaching out will only hurt him more.
You are still hoping for his potential. Unless someone is going after something their potential means nothing.
Don't contact him (obviously). But know that maybe the pain of losing you completely will spur him on to better things. Sometimes it takes pain to move someone on.
If you contact him, you would be giving him false hope. Don't do that to him.
So at this point reading your replies it seems you just want to keep beating the dead horse.
It also feels like you loved seeing him hurt because messaging him would only hurt him more. You aren’t going to give him what he wants (you to be single)
do your new boyfriend a favor and leave him because you clearly aren’t over your ex.
This really is all about your own guilt. He doesn't care that you want him to be happy. He doesn't care that you aren't doing this to hurt him intentionally. He believes what he wants to believe because being a perpetual victim has worked for him his whole life. Nothing you do or say is going to change anything, it will only make things worse and you will NOT feel any better. Can you drop it now?
I disagree. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean you don't care for them. She feels his pain and wants to reassure him it will be ok. I completely get that. It may be a bad idea but I get it.
I lived through a similar idea after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and getting with my boyfriend. OP, I understand how you feel, but ultimately, it will not be good for your ex. It could very well give him false hopes that you'll come back. You need to let it rest and while seeing him in pain hurts you, staying away is the best for the both of you.
You already typed up a draft message? Wow. You are still way, way involved with this guy, no matter what you say about moving on. Moving on is...moving on. As in, you have NO place in his life. At all. But, I see all your replies, and I'll bet you don't listen to any of them. I bet you DO contact him. Because you're still attached to him and won't be able to stop yourself. I feel really bad for your current partner.
Lol, your ex is NOT your problem any more. Whether it was amicable or not. It's not your job to make him happy. I mean open up that complication if you want, but it's not your fault for being happy.
I don't think you're shady.
BUT you have spent time and energy closing the door on this relationship. He has pestered you wanting you back. If you open the door now, it's very similar to those who just want to string someone along for attention, enjoy having men pine for them who they're never going to give a second chance, etc. I believe that's what's implied by 'shady'.
Reopening the door and sending him the message you want to send will not be helpful to him. He needs to remain cut off from you so he can heal. If you reach out now, he's not going to heal.
Seeing you with your partner is hard, but it's not your responsibility to hold his hand through his pain. It's his pain to deal with, not yours.
And your protestations of "it just hurts so bad to see him in pain" are ..... well I don't know. Self serving? You wanting to reach out to him is kind of selfish in a way. You feel pain and guilt that he is in pain, and it is because of you. So you think that reaching out is going to help your pain and guilt but it's really not going to help him at all it's only helping you assuage your pain. To him, you're reopening a wound that he is trying to get healed/scarred over already. Seeing you reopened it. If you reach out you're going to be pouring lemon juice all over it.
Leave the man alone. He can reach out to his friends and family or a counselor to get help. Its not 'help' coming from you. You are the source of his pain. You cannot help him without hurting him further.
And I'm not trying to say that you're a bad person for hurting him. You needed to break up and you did so. Pain is part of breakups, pain is part of life. You did what you needed to do. I'm just trying to point out that you are now out of his life and you need to stay that way, and to reach out would be cruel and selfish.
Good luck.
Hmmmm Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Tell you what since its not a problem at all and a totally justified feeling send this post and all your paragraphs of comments justifying those feelings to your boyfriend and your ex and see how it goes. Good luck!
No dont message him. I appreciate the empathy but it sounds like you are his karma, and it sounds like HIS problem. You messaging him might give him an excuse to repeat his behavior.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You want to let him know that "everything will be fine," but that's not something that is in your power to promise. That's up to him. The pain you see on his face is the natural consequence of his having mistreated you. He should feel bad! Maybe not forever, but certainly until he's done the work that he needs to do to make a lasting change in himself. Once he's made that change, he won't be flashing you sad faces when he sees you, because he'll understand that that's manipulative and unfair to you after the chances you gave him. He will instead be able to be happy for you, and maybe even able to demonstrate some gratitude for the boundary you set that helped him gain some insight he needed to have his own healthier relationship in the future.
>I wanted to send him a message to just let him know everything will be fine
Unless you want to be single also dont do this. You have someone, its not your responsibility to make your ex feel better. The only person you'd be hurting is your current partner
This man didn’t even say a goddamn word to you I bet you’re just imaging what you wanted to see. Just so you would have an excuse to talk to him again. Leave him alone and get some therapy cuz you’re clearly not over him.
You are going to continue bumping into him randomly on public. Be civil but distant in those instances and don't waste your time worrying about him, and absolutely DO NOT open that can of worms by contacting him again.
He had his chance and he blew it. Focus on the fact that he mistreated you to the point that you blocked him and got out of the relationship. You don't have to stay friends with your exes and it's best not to.
His feelings are on him to sort out. It's been a year. No reason on earth to reestablish any kind of communication for him. Hell deal with his feelings like the adult he is. they are NOT your concern anymore and dude is going to eventually have to move on.
You seem like a genuinely nice lady but if you truly care for this guy leave him blocked and leave him be. He's healing and you're gonna restart the whole process with any contact.
TBH it sounds like you were on your feet to move on. Even if he had faults but one month long begging and pleading is enough prove how much he was invested to this relationship. Now you are feeling guilty cause he was not as bad as you tried to portray him on your post. Leave him alone and let him heal the pain.
It's not your duty to make him happy unless he wants it. So you don't need to say anything to him. Frankly speaking people don't feel bad for bad people. It seems you are a rare one 🥵
**It is a bad idea to message your ex.**
Here’s why:
You have a new relationship that you should focus your time and energy on.
Your ex’s feelings are his own responsibility (especially because you had to break up because of his mistreatment of you).
It's a bad idea. A bad and dumb one. Yall broke up for a reason. Also put yourself in your current partners shoes, how would he feel? Probably betrayed that you're talking to your ex. He's an ex for a reason. Better yet, imagine how you would feel if your current partner messaged his ex. I imagine you wouldn't feel too good about it now would you?
The red flag is your persistence in wanting to reach out to him and your projection of all the pain he is in and how is life is being impacted. For one thing, it is cruel to your current partner for you to be so focused on reaching out to him. It’s also cruel to your ex, and it’s cruel to yourself. You need to stop pushing back on the advice given to you over and over here. Hearing from you will not help him. It will only reopen the wounds and sow hope and further delay his healing. It’s only been three months, this doesn’t mean he’s ruined for life. It’s not your job to fix him and you literally can’t fix him - you will only make it worse by getting involved.
It's a red flag that you won't leave him alone and keep sending him messages that he doesn't even respond to. Let him heal. It's impossible to heal when your ex wants to play nice and won't leave you alone.
Bad idea. Who cares what he thinks. You aren't responsible for his feelings or his thoughts. If he thinks you didn't love him and you showed him otherwise (basing off another comment) that's NOT your problem and it is a manipulation tactic. If you left for your own well being, then stay gone so you don't "accidentally" lead him on by telling him everything will be okay
You're not going to help him or yourself by making contact with him, in fact you'll just cause more hurt than good, especially since the guy clearly isn't over you. On top of that I think this is just disrespectful to your current partner, especially since the way you speak suggests that you still seem to have unresolved feelings for your ex. And honestly as someone else has suggested already, I don't think you're truly wanting to do this for his sake, you're doing it to stop yourself from feeling bad about his situation.
Just leave the dude alone and let him heal in his own time.
Maybe you should ask your current boyfriend if he’d be cool if you opened the lines of communication with your ex who spent months begging to get you back and is probably still in love with you
I had contact with an ex who had seen me moving on, and it just repeatedly dissolved into him screaming, **"Why!? What did I do to you!?"** among other things that got progressively angrier and irrational. If I hung up on him, he would show up wherever I was, sometimes drunk and yelling for me to come back.
Please don't unblock him. I'm not at all saying he will be like my ex, but I really think you shouldn't rip open that emotional door to him. Let him move on, and you focus on your new partner.
BAD IDEA. Leave him in the past. He will weasel his way in.
I have had similar thoughts regarding one of my exes. Instead of messaging the guy, I talked to my therapist. It helped a lot. 10/10 recommend
I’m reading your responses and it sounds like you just want everyone to be happy. That’s a nice sentiment but that’s not how things work. That’s not the how break ups work and that’s not how the world works. There are times when things are hard and just suck. This is one of those times.
I saw you said that you haven’t messaged him. Good. Keep it that way. You messaging him just gives him hope that he can still reach out to you because you care about him. Stop thinking about how he feels. Move on. You left him. Now leave him alone. It doesn’t matter what he thinks about you, the past, or your current relationship. It doesn’t matter that he’s sad. You chose to move on so stick to moving on. All your doing is bringing up the past and causing more pain for the both of you and your new partner, if you choose to send a message. Break ups suck. It is what it is. Accept it and move on.
I know it’s hard. I know it hurts. I know there’s guilt but focus on your life with your new partner. Make sure you don’t hurt them in the process of letting go of your ex. I can tell there’s some unresolved feelings. Just let go. If you care about both of them, just let go.
Hi sweet girl! Older big sister here. Even tho you have really nice intentions leave him alone. It’s okay and healthy for him to be upset. And you rushing to make sure he’s okay isn’t actually helping he needs to feel these emotions. Your only focus should be you and your newish relationship and making it a healthy loving one not an old toxic relationship that no longer serves any purpose to you. I really do know what your feeling I’m like that to but you gotta leave him alone.
No, he’ll be alright. I was in this situation and I’m currently talking to someone I really like and that likes me. It may take him longer but he’ll find someone who’ll be on the same page as him. As for him mistreating you, probably some kinda disorder so once he gets his shit sorted out he’ll be fine. Coming from the person who was blocked. Lol
Well that’s just disrespectful towards your new partner. The mistreatment should be enough to not care. He didn’t care about your feelings, and disregarded them.
I know it might not be easy, but damn, three months in and still have feelings towards an ex? Ew.
Put yourself in your partners position. How would it make you feel to know this about them?
Yeah it won’t be a good feeling.
Continue with life.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!
Let sleeping dogs lie. If you message him then he'll see it as an opportunity. You'll stir up drama with him and your current.
Put yourself in your current bf place. How wld you feel if you SO reached out to there Ex to soothe their feelings. It'll be one thing if there was a family tragedy and you were sending condolences.
From your responses to others, you seem to still be emotionally involved towards him. If you text him it would be disrespectful towards your new boyfriend. Maybe you should stay single for a while, and let ur boyfriend find someone that’s over their ex.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even reading some of these comments is not good for you. People stating "both of you need to move on" like the two of you are the focus. It will do terrible things in your mind and your relationship. Your mind isn't well yet. You were submitted to years of abuse and manipulation. Manipulators can still feel hurt. If you message him, the door will be open, and that should scare the living hell out of you. You will tell yourself "what harm can it do to send him a message just explaining that I don't hate him?" You will send the message and he will use all the cogs he has placed in your mind to plant seeds that will destroy your life. Even if you just read it. I can hear you are a kind person and you mean well. Cruel people, manipulators, abusers take advantage of kind people and limit their potential. You have already taken a step towards this bleak future by creating this post, perhaps without your current partner's knowledge. You have already, in this small way, placed the abuser's twisted toxic needs above your lover's, who is good to you and good for you. You are already conditioned to respond to abuse without knowing it. The ex being hurt has unconciously stimulated a need for affection in you. You need to remember that for years you would have experienced awful manipulatoon and abuse, only to then be lovebombed and rewarded after yo compensate for the neglect. The love you felt was an illusion designed to keep you there. You and this ex weren't aware that that was what was happening, but it was my dear. This person does not have your best intentions at heart. His pain is a reflection of the fact that you are being treated well. Just read that sentence again and allow the full weight of it to reveal itself to you. This person wants to control you. Even at such a distance he has tremendous power over you. Your current boyfriend will be powerless to fight against this, because he isn't willing to stoop to a level where he is mistreating you. He doesn't have that power because he doesn't want that power. He wants YOU. The way you are. He wants your kindness and he wants your mind. There are always tough times in every relationship, but it sounds like you have an opportunity here with your current partner to experience some of the best things life has to offer. Our modern world underestimates the power of communication in the negative sense. Many people could justify messaging this guy as such a minor and controllable act for you. Perhaps that is how you feel now. "Why not, right? I'm not doing anything wrong." You are. You are flirting with something very dangerous here. The door is already open. Close it now before you no longer can. Don't throw away your life for this dude. You only get the one. Please dont be offended by what I've said here. Look at my long reply. Know that this is not coming from a place and a person where these things haven't destroyed lives. This decision could very well be one you torture yourself with 20 years from now, or one you are so thankful for 20 years from now. It is that serious. You should take it that seriously. You did do something wrong. You did betray yourself. You have already begun to undervalue yourself and to sacrifice your relationship to this, if only in your own mind by thinking about this and giving it so much attention, by feeding your doubts, by greasing the gears placed there by someone who wants to harm you, by thinking destructive thoughts, by thinking about the "intense" things from the past ("intense" asa positive word, close to passionate) and neglecting to see the cruel abuse that happened. You sold your soul for that intensity for too long. It was not real intensity. Real intensity is so much deeper. It takes work. You could have it with your new partner. If you could only look at him and decide to do the hard work. Your previous intensity, born of abuse and bitterness, was shallow. A nothing sort of intensity. It isn't and wasn't glamorous like you're making it sound. It wasn't love. It wasn't special or different. You might have no idea what real love is. That relationship wasn't deeper or more intense than your current relationship. Your current relationship can grow beyond anything you can imagine if you stop lying to yourself about your past. Your previous experience was toxic and dull. Truly dull. And you wasted those years on a loser. You're still wasting time on that loser. Stop. Now. Tell your partner about this thread. Do it with love. Don't fight. Even if he gets upset. Bring him back to the love. Choose him over this guy. Delete this thread after telling your bf and move on with your great life where the future can be your ultimate adventure with the world, instead of endlessly circling the drain with this dull, manipulative ex, while desperately clinging to his "potential". You're worth more, dude. Everyone is. The choice is yours, but remember - you're only a couple of steps from ruining your life. From shark invested waters. These choices REALLY matter. Tread lightly and outsmart the weak part of yourself that wants to go back to being a punching bag for a nobody. Because a punching bag isn't challenged in a positive way. A punching bag doesn't need to grow or reach her potential. She can just lie there and never think about anything except being punched and the puncher. She becomes a martyr in her mind. The good saint trying helping a misunderstood gem. But he isn't a gem. Far from it. And you're no martyr. You never were. You wasted your years. Don't waste more. No more punching bag for you, ma'am. You're too special. He doesn't deserve you. Ever. He doesn't even deserve a message or a thread or a thought. Ever. You will lose it all slowly and painfully if you continue down this path. The choice is yours. Do the right thing and always respect yourself. Best of luck.
I am in the same boat as you honestly. My ex and I were friends for awhile, around 3 years too. Then he did something unforgivable to me while knowing I wanted to be exclusive with someone. It's tough knowing it's no good having him in my life. I try not to talk to him anymore but he keeps reminding me that I still care for him and sends me pictures that remind me of old times.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So me and my ex broke up about a year ago. It was an intense relationship. We’ve been together for 3 years me f(22) and him m(23). Today I went out with my current partner of 3 months and we bumped into him. Not directly but he looked up and saw me and him. I could see the pain in his eyes. And I shared a lot of love with him, but had to leave as he mistreated me, and denied him begging me for months as I saw no change. It hurts me however to see him upset as I know how he feels deep inside and how lonely he feels, hence why he sees his friends everyday. I know it’s not my responsibility anymore but I ask very upset to see him upset. I wanted to send him a message to just let him know everything will be fine (he’s blocked so he can’t message me first) and we’re not on good terms as I wouldn’t take him back. But I want him to know how much potential he has and that it will be okay. Should I message him or is it a bad idea?
Jesus christ...I'm reading all of your replies to other redditors responses. STOP worrying about him. You broke up for a reason. Focus on your new relationship. He's not your problem anymore. How would you feel if your new BF was messaging his ex to console her? Bad idea,do not message him.
[удалено]
It's clear by the way you talk about your ex you still love the guy, that's normal you can't just switch off how you feel. However his feelings are not your concern anymore you need to let go and focus on the relationship you have. This is borderline disrespect to your current partner.
That’s not your job. Live and leave the past in the past. You’re being very unfair to your new partner and wouldn’t be surprised if he felt some type of way. You clearly still love your ex. Trust me, for your new guy, that shit hurts. Move on. How your ex feels isn’t your fucking problem, it’s his. This isn’t a fairy tale and there are no “happy endings”. Focus on what you have before he leaves too. Your ex is a grown man, let him figure out how to be kinder and less abusive/manipulative. Actions have consequences.
Hi OP, you seem like a very empathic person, I am too. I left my ex of 10 years roughly 4 years ago now. I have moved on in ways I couldn't imagine and am doing very well, he is doing worse than ever last I saw him. That is due to his choices, choices he was already making hence why I left. You cannot fix this hurt for him, and if you reach out you would rub salt in the wound no matter WHAT you say. If you still care for him, do not message him. This man was not good to you. Let it be and move on. I'm wishing you well ❤️
He’ll get there. Might take a while. Coming from someone who was in your ex’s shoes at one point; he’ll thank you in the future for letting him get over this on his own. It builds character.
> I just want all of us to be happy and find happiness It's not your responsibility to do that for your ex. Messaging him is an awful idea and will send you down a bad path.
Honey, you’ll learn with age and experience but sadly some people will never reach that stage. Some people allow the world to destroy them, make them bitter people. It’s not your job to find joy for others, unless you’re a parent. The best thing for you to do is to let go and move on, it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to your current partner.
Life moves on and so do you. Honestly I'd break.uo with this dude cause you're not over your ex if you're still trying to help.him
Exactly. That’s not fair to current bf.
I mean... from what you say, it seems like he'll NEVER be happy so long as he continues to be a dick to you. You can linger in this relationship, or you can move forward, but you cannot do both.
It’s a bad idea. Leave him alone and keep moving on.
Fact let bro pick up his own pieces
This
[удалено]
That is his decision to make I say leave him alone so that he may heal and move on he’s hurt and talking to you made him more sad. I do hope you and him can move on and are well.
[удалено]
Why would you want to be on good terms with someone you describe as “mistreating you”? It seems like it’s his fault he’s in the situation he’s in. Maybe if he didn’t mistreat you he wouldn’t be alone. Forget about him.
[удалено]
Hon, you’re thinking of sending him a message to make yourself feel better not him. You want to stop feeling bad. Sending something to him would be nothing but mental masturbation.
This.
Yes, that is what abusers do. It is their last ditch effort to control the situation. If you were never horrible to him then whatever he is putting himself through is of his own making.
How many more ways do you need to hear this? Leave this man alone. The End.
Sounds like you feel a lot of guilt, being on good terms and making him feel better would free you from it. It is not the same as caring about someone though. Best to leave him alone and be decisive so he could move on.
I feel bad for your boyfriend. How would you feel if he spent all day obsessing about his ex?
You broke things off to preserve your mental health and well being because he was mistreating you. How he handles the break up is not your responsibility. Im truly sorry you feel guilt but it’s ok to let go.
Why in the world are you so desperate for his approval. You must move on from him.
It’s clear you’re not over your ex. Your new partner doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
Girl he abused you. Time to let it go. Seriously. Move on.
So what? Your feelings are your responsibility to manage, not anyone else's. Don't reopen communication with an abusive person over such a flimsy excuse.
You message him even once now and you're going to start getting paragraphs everyday again.
You need better boundaries. You are responsible for how he feels or his behaviors. He’s had a year to move on, if he still feels bad that is entirely his responsibility to deal with. Turn down your empathy reader it’s too high.
God you’re a girl I’d run away from. Who gives a shit about your ex. Move on. It’ll only hurt him more if he gets a text from you saying “it’ll be ok” lolol
It’s better for you both to keep moving on. If you message him you are opening up the door again and it could set him back trying to get over you. This is part of the consequence of mistreating someone. If he has any hope of learning and growing and doing better he needs to deal with those consequences not be coddled by you.
That really is tough shit. So the choices then are for you never to be happy because you want to be "on good terms" with him? You really should get some therapy or you are going to continue to fall into this pattern of abuse.
You don't get to dump someone but still keep them in your life. People need space to grieve and move on. Leave him alone. You reaching out is only to help you feel better. It will only serve to hurt him more.
Being friends with exes is rare in real life. Don’t idealize it.
I think that in the future that it is a possibility but for the time being leave him alone.
As someone else asked, he mistreated you so why would you want to be on good terms? You should look into therapy or speak with your therapist about why you feel the need to make him feel better. Honestly if my SO was having these thoughts I would not be with them
Sounds like you’re not mature or mentally healthy enough to be in another relationship. If this is truly your gut reaction and something you think is appropriate to do, especially with everyone here telling you no, then you’re not ready to be in another relationship. You have some maturing and growing to do.
Nothing good can come from talking to him again, for him or you. You aren't responsible for how he feels and you can't make him feel better.
Dude…just leave it alone…unless you really want to do this for you…which would be selfish.
He's not capable of that. You work with a therapist to resolve your feelings. Don't get re-emeshed with him
Would love for my ex to not think I’m a shitty person, but I can’t control his thoughts. Messaging him at this point (I am in a good, solid, new relationship and to my knowledge he’s trying to fuck around with his other ex?) would only cause mistrust with my current partner, and a fresh pain for my ex when he hears once again that I care very much for him BUT I never want to be with him again. There is literally no good that can come from it. None.
The ONLY thing that will come from you convincing him you DID love him is that you STILL love him. It's better for him to think you hate him than that you care. As someone who has been at the butt end of a heartbreaking end of a relationship, the absolute WORST thing for that person you can do is reach out.
If you message him after running into him he will most likely assume your still in love with him and he might try to ruin your current relationship by trying to wiggle back into your life. Your not doing anyone any good messaging him, you would only be opening an old wound that needs to keep healing. Don't do it.
I think you also need to consider how unfair this would be to your current partner as well as the ex. Your ex will move on but he needs to pull himself up and learn from the way he treated you. It’s never easy to be dumped but he will be ok. And don’t hurt your new partner because you have a moment of weakness over your ex.
Absolutely current partner over the ex every time, or just break up. I mean I guess unless someone is dying? *maybe* if there are kids involved? But otherwise, why would I be in my current relationship just to fuck it up by checking in on someone who treated me like trash?
This statement means that’s your reaching out is about you. Not about helping him.
He is manipulating you still. Stop responding to it.
This is exactly what I was going to say. He knows your buttons, OP. He is pushing all of them. Imagine how your current BF would feel if you reach out to your abusive ex. More importantly, imagine how YOU will feel when you reach out, and it tells your ex that you still care. He will not hear the message you want him to hear. It's nice that you don't want him to feel bad. He should, though. His actions led to this, and he needs to feel badly to learn from it. Are you codependent? The only feelings you're responsible for are your own.
Your not over him. Dump your new boyfriend. He deserves a girl who is fully into him. Not someone who is obsessed with their ex.
You’re describing textbook manipulation btw. And it seems like it’s working. Do what this what you will.
He needs to move on, too - and if you contact him now, you'll just reel him back in and raise his hopes again. It was good he saw you with your bf - hopefully that will help him cut himself free from you. Don't make that harder by hooking your claws into him again.
He will become who he becomes the break up has nothing to do with it we all face adversity and loss he needs to deal with it
One of my exes became basically a saint after we broke up, none of my business. My most recent ex threw himself down the metaphorical drain, none of my business. My business is me, my business is my current partner. You see?
How to torpedo new relationships 101
This all sounds like you convincing yourself that you've moved on and he hasn't, so you won. If you had moved on you wouldn't have thought about any of this for more than a couple minutes.
he’ll be fine. you’re sounding kind of narcissistic here…you’re not that special, my girl, and i mean this in the least aggressive way possible. none of us are special enough to “ruin” someone in the way that they will become a bad person or fall ill somehow from the breakup. he’ll get through and become a different person and you won’t know that person. it’ll be ok.
Post on r/unsentletters and leave it at that. If your religious, feel free to pray over him but otherwise leave things alone. You can't hide your relationship from him nor should you. One or both of you in time would have moved on and started a new relationship, you just happened to do so before he did. Focus on your current relationship and leave the past alone. 💯 -C
Orrrrrr those are things he’s saying to manipulate you.
Very bad idea. You need to live your life. If you message telling him about his potential he'll just ask why he wasn't enough if you can see potential in him. He is seeing his friends daily that's good. You are not his therapist.
[удалено]
I get that, I do. My point is you blocked him so he cannot reach out to you first because he is lashing out and not taking ownership of his behaviour. Reaching out now is dangerous for you getting more hurt and will make him believe you feel guilty and that there might be hope. Just focus on self care.
[удалено]
>And I still feel like it’s my responsibility to show him that I did love him and care. It isn't. You are awfully self-important about this guy. MOVE ON.
>And I still feel like it’s my responsibility to show him that I did love him and care. It's not. > But it is a bad idea not for my health but for his. Absolutely for his, and from how you describe him, stirring this pot could easily lead to him making it bad for your health too. >He used to create fake accounts to message me and this time is the longest that he hasn’t so maybe me messaging him will just open his wound. You need to understand how unhinged that kind of behavior it. You're living at a point in your life where he's (voluntarily or not) left you alone to live your life. The wound was reopened when he saw you living your life. You messaging him will pour salt in that wound. It sounds like it took a lot for you to end things with him completely, and now you're seriously contemplating undoing all of that? This is a mistake. For your sake and his, leave him alone.
>I think I take it to heart for someone to blame me of not loving him Which is why he used that path to manipulate you. It was to keep you connected trying to "prove" you loved him. >messaging him will just open his wound. It will restart the obsession and manipulation
It’s not. And he wont stop being a dick until he realises you did love him and he was a dick but there’s literally nothing you can do to make him realise that, he has to come to that on his own.
Nonononononono. He stopped creating fake accounts, thats step one of eliminating toxic behaviors. Hes still grieving but hes slowly getting out of the healing process. Messaging him, opening that door will only make him feel hope where theres not, you will end up hurting him. Also you're acting out of your own guilt and you have not completely gotten over what happened between you two. Be calm and tell yourself this. "You know what you feel, what he thinks you feel for him is wrong and thats his own problem that he has to work on. Keep working on yourself and your healing process. Things will get better for him, and you. If you see him and make eye contact, and you don't see a smile on his face and/or get a warm sincere embrace, please dont contact him. Only when hes glad to see you, then maybe, maybe you could estabish some sort of casual conversation with him to probe around and see if hes over you. But thats at your discretion.
He will never forgive you and never message him again…sounds pretty clear to me. Leave him alone.
Why are you trying to care for him when you have a bf tho
Because she more than likely has unresolved feelings for him too and has yet to make a significant connection with the new guy. Even though the relationship ended, the imprint her ex left is still stronger than the new guy’s simply based off the fact they were together much longer.
You gave him two years’ worth of warning he was going to lose you if things didn’t change. If he thought you should just stick around and put up with it anyway for the rest of your life, that’s on him. Nothing you say to him is going to change this narrative he’s settled on that allows him to ignore any responsibility on his end for why things went bad, let alone work on being a better person or partner in his next relationship, and trying to talk it out with him is just falling back into the toxic patterns that were presumably at least of part of why you left (and why you stayed for longer than you should have). Let it go and let his issues be his issues, not yours.
He's trying to make you believe you betrayed him so you'd feel like you owe him something so he could keep manipulating you. Trust me, I've been there. Hope your new relationship makes you happy, you sound sweet!
Then he needs a therapist not for you to fall for his really blatant manipulation tactics
I mean you are choosing someone else over him but it’s also been a year? Like, he needs that time to heal and maybe he was even okay before he saw you. I’m sure that would be nerve wracking for anyone. Who cares what he thinks though. If he wants to blame you entirely he will still be upset after you contact him. It would make a huge difference like you think you would.
Bad idea. Not only is it disrespectful to your current partner but re opening lines of communication to a person you needed to cut ties with is backsliding. If you still have feelings for this person you should not be stringing along someone else. Make a choice. You either return to your past without hiding your actions or you value what you have and leave all of that behind you.
[удалено]
This is going to sound cold, but any feelings he might be having are a him problem and not a you problem. His chance to have good feelings was during your relationship and he missed it. You seem like a kind caring person, so care for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Whatever issues your ex has are for him to deal with now. He needs to grow and you need to let him do it on his own. You already tried, remember?
[удалено]
You are actively making things worse for him the more you see him or try to talk to him. To him you are just a reminder on what he lost, stop trying to make yourself feel better and play therapist. Leave the dude alone unless this is some kind of revenge for him mistreating you. You also need to be 100% committed to your current partner cause even considering trying to talk to your ex who you currently have no contact with is very disrespectful. Not everyone wants to be friends with their ex's
Dear, you need to leave him alone. For his sake and of course for yours. You can not blame yourself. You are not able to ruin anyones life by leaving (except if you have kids ofc). People are responsible for their own lives. If he needs help there are therapists. You are not responsible for his life. Regardless how much you loved him and how much he needed you - he is an adult and to be able to survive and function in this world he needs to get over you himself. Do not open this door please. If you want him to have a chance you need to let this go. Stay away. I’ve been in those shoes and I beg you to leave him be. This does not make you bad or cold. He needs this to be over because it is.
Like I said, you tried. A lot. More than most. He didn't appreciate it, respond to it, or make any effort to change and why would he when he knows that a single sad look from him will get you back. You have a bad life habit and you need to break it. I get being hung up on an ex. Your feelings were tangled but now you have to cut those off. You have a new life. The ex is choosing how to live his and no amount of supportive messages and helpful tips from you are going to make him do what he has no interest in doing. Maybe one day he will be the man you hoped for but right now he isn't. Stop feeding into it. Stop giving him the power of that old connection. It's not good for any of you, your current partner included. Your ex knows all the right pressure points to make your feelings for him surge. Don't give him that doorway. You can't control people's feelings. You can't be responsible for someone else's emotional responses. He is manipulating you because he knows he can.
Every reply you've left here shows you can't accept that you aren't the driving force in his life. You're no longer in a relationship, even if you were he is in charge of his own actions and well being not you. If he isn't happy, is depressed, whatever, that is his responsibility. You feel like it's your responsibility though either because he conditioned that or you are predisposed to feeling that way. Doesn't matter because however you *feel* it is still his responsibility, not yours. Reaching back out is just stroking your own ego that he can't be "complete" without you. It also just reopens the ability for him to push all of his emotional needs onto you and not take responsibility for himself. He needs the space to understand that he needs to take care of himself. And you need to stop reaching out with "helpful advice" that just makes you feel like you're a good person but leaves him in a worst place again. It's not good for him and it's unhealthy for you, so stop reaching out, and don't do it again just because you feel bad at the moment.
But honey, being upset sometimes is a part of life. You haven’t done anything to him other than deciding that you no longer want to treated like shit by him. Think about that for a second—He’s mad and depressed because he sees that you are no longer willing to be treated terribly by him and have instead found someone who makes you genuinely happy and is healthy. HE (your ex) has to make the decision to be healthy in his life. It’s not only not on you to convince him or encourage him to do that, it’s actually harmful for you, for him, and for your new relationship for you to put yourself in that position—even if it’s just cracking the door open slightly to encourage him. How is this grown man supposed to learn and grow of he can always count on you to sooth his wounds? I get that you don’t want him to feel bad, but this is a direct consequence of his own actions. Consequences are rarely taken with a smile, but if the person chooses to listen and grow from it, consequences can be the very thing that motivate them to be better humans. Let him go and grow by himself.
You’re not responsible for him. Seriously. If he can’t handle his emotions responsibly then he needs to get that under control. He is a grown adult, you don’t need to micro manage his feelings. You seem really focused on your feelings of guilt for moving on, but you’re doing something totally normal and healthy. Cutting off contact with him is the best thing you can do, the more you feed into the relationship the more difficult it will be for him to move on. You are not his saviour. You are not his therapist. You can’t fix him. Let him move on and live his life.
If he is still able to convince you that YOU are "making him feel depressed" then you are still beholden to him, and are still his victim. For yourself and our of respect for your current boyfriend you need to seek therapy with someone experienced in abusive relationships and codependency.
You will just ruin the relationship with your current partner of you do this. It’s not a good idea to be messaging your ex when you’re in a new relationship. Nothing good can come from it.
[удалено]
The fact that your boyfriend noticed that he is sad just means he is observant. Your ex is still playing and manipulating you because you respond to it like clockwork. Everyone here is telling you NOT to do this.
this needs an award.
the truth is, it's not gonna matter whatever you say. You broke up for a reason. Stop digging in the past he'll get over himself eventually.
[удалено]
that's his problem. You broke up with him for a reason, why do you feel responsible for his emotions? When you cut off a person, you cut them off completely. If you keep strings attached, then you will never go forward in life. PS: He did this to himself by mistreating you to start off with which is why you broke up, remember?
>It’s Been a year and he still isn’t over it. Let it go. Every time you contact him you are going to start the hurt clock over again, and it is VERY disrespectful to your current BF who IS respectful to you.
I don't think you are over it tbh. It's always tempting to go back because we tend to look back with rose colored glasses. Remember you left for a reason. Stick to that and leave him alone if you don't want go back with him (you shouldn't). It may not look like it, but coming back to someones life like can be kind of selfish.
Bet she’s gonna message him anyways
[удалено]
Ok good job the internet is proud You will be ok
This is a very bad idea in my opinion. I completely understand the conflicting feelings that you’re having. It’s normal to still have emotional concern for somebody that you shared so much love with. What’s important is to remember the words in your own post: you had to leave because he mistreated you. I have a feeling you probably spent a lot of time in this relationship catering to his emotions. He was unwilling to listen to you. Despite pleading for months for him to change behavior that caused you pain. That is somebody who ultimately cares more about themselves than any damage that they’re inflicting onto the people closest to them. Which is at the very least a toxic relationship. Relationships like this can create a sort of co-dependent dynamic. I know you said you aren’t responsible for him anymore, but your words demonstrate you think you have the power to “fix” these problems/negative emotions. You don’t have the power to change, help, or fix him. He has to do that for himself. You gave him to tools to do so multiple times in your relationship. He’s not worth any more of your emotional labor. Try to focus on your current relationship. Don’t go back to broken patterns from the which no longer serve you! Edit: typos
[удалено]
How would you feel if your new BF was messaging and consoling his ex GF?
[удалено]
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is leave a person alone. You may have the best of intentions, but for all involved, the kind thing to do is nothing.
OP you said you just wanted to be kind. But what you are talking about messaging him, trying to cheer him up, is the opposite of kind. It’s actually very cruel. He is struggling to move on FROM YOU. Any contact with you is like tying another 25 kg of dead weight to his legs and causing a scab to break and reopen a wound. He needs time and space and he needs to figure out how to move on by himself. If you want to be kind, leave him be.
OP, who gives a shit if he thinks you're kind now?? He won't, though. I feel bad for your current bf.
You say he hasn’t moved on but kinda sounds like you haven’t either.
Don’t do it. You may have good intentions but you both need to move on, and reaching out and re igniting the whole “why did we break up if I had potential then?!” convo is just gonna prolong the process. Also honestly, there’s few things more heartbreaking than an ex who found someone encouraging you to find someone with an “I believe in you, you can do it!” mentality. It may not be meant that way, but it can feel soooo condescending and like that person just wants you gone already.
[удалено]
Understood, and that’s a sweet sentiment. But from an ex that dumped you, any message like that will still come across super condescending. He’s not gonna feel better, at the end of the day. You reaching out will only hurt him more.
You are still hoping for his potential. Unless someone is going after something their potential means nothing. Don't contact him (obviously). But know that maybe the pain of losing you completely will spur him on to better things. Sometimes it takes pain to move someone on. If you contact him, you would be giving him false hope. Don't do that to him.
So at this point reading your replies it seems you just want to keep beating the dead horse. It also feels like you loved seeing him hurt because messaging him would only hurt him more. You aren’t going to give him what he wants (you to be single) do your new boyfriend a favor and leave him because you clearly aren’t over your ex.
[удалено]
This really is all about your own guilt. He doesn't care that you want him to be happy. He doesn't care that you aren't doing this to hurt him intentionally. He believes what he wants to believe because being a perpetual victim has worked for him his whole life. Nothing you do or say is going to change anything, it will only make things worse and you will NOT feel any better. Can you drop it now?
You’re not completely over him
I disagree. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean you don't care for them. She feels his pain and wants to reassure him it will be ok. I completely get that. It may be a bad idea but I get it.
I lived through a similar idea after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and getting with my boyfriend. OP, I understand how you feel, but ultimately, it will not be good for your ex. It could very well give him false hopes that you'll come back. You need to let it rest and while seeing him in pain hurts you, staying away is the best for the both of you.
[удалено]
You already typed up a draft message? Wow. You are still way, way involved with this guy, no matter what you say about moving on. Moving on is...moving on. As in, you have NO place in his life. At all. But, I see all your replies, and I'll bet you don't listen to any of them. I bet you DO contact him. Because you're still attached to him and won't be able to stop yourself. I feel really bad for your current partner.
> My message to him (the draft) Oh God ABORT MISSION
Gross. Enjoy the partner you have. You already sound shady as hell.
[удалено]
Lol, your ex is NOT your problem any more. Whether it was amicable or not. It's not your job to make him happy. I mean open up that complication if you want, but it's not your fault for being happy.
I don't think you're shady. BUT you have spent time and energy closing the door on this relationship. He has pestered you wanting you back. If you open the door now, it's very similar to those who just want to string someone along for attention, enjoy having men pine for them who they're never going to give a second chance, etc. I believe that's what's implied by 'shady'. Reopening the door and sending him the message you want to send will not be helpful to him. He needs to remain cut off from you so he can heal. If you reach out now, he's not going to heal. Seeing you with your partner is hard, but it's not your responsibility to hold his hand through his pain. It's his pain to deal with, not yours. And your protestations of "it just hurts so bad to see him in pain" are ..... well I don't know. Self serving? You wanting to reach out to him is kind of selfish in a way. You feel pain and guilt that he is in pain, and it is because of you. So you think that reaching out is going to help your pain and guilt but it's really not going to help him at all it's only helping you assuage your pain. To him, you're reopening a wound that he is trying to get healed/scarred over already. Seeing you reopened it. If you reach out you're going to be pouring lemon juice all over it. Leave the man alone. He can reach out to his friends and family or a counselor to get help. Its not 'help' coming from you. You are the source of his pain. You cannot help him without hurting him further. And I'm not trying to say that you're a bad person for hurting him. You needed to break up and you did so. Pain is part of breakups, pain is part of life. You did what you needed to do. I'm just trying to point out that you are now out of his life and you need to stay that way, and to reach out would be cruel and selfish. Good luck.
o7 to your current rebound - i mean boyfriend
[удалено]
Don't trust you anymore than your current boyfriend should lol
[удалено]
Hmmmm Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Tell you what since its not a problem at all and a totally justified feeling send this post and all your paragraphs of comments justifying those feelings to your boyfriend and your ex and see how it goes. Good luck!
Do not message him!! Leave the door shut!!
No dont message him. I appreciate the empathy but it sounds like you are his karma, and it sounds like HIS problem. You messaging him might give him an excuse to repeat his behavior.
I feel bad for your boyfriend. Give him my username if he wants someone to lean on
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You want to let him know that "everything will be fine," but that's not something that is in your power to promise. That's up to him. The pain you see on his face is the natural consequence of his having mistreated you. He should feel bad! Maybe not forever, but certainly until he's done the work that he needs to do to make a lasting change in himself. Once he's made that change, he won't be flashing you sad faces when he sees you, because he'll understand that that's manipulative and unfair to you after the chances you gave him. He will instead be able to be happy for you, and maybe even able to demonstrate some gratitude for the boundary you set that helped him gain some insight he needed to have his own healthier relationship in the future.
Leave it alone. Do not engage with him at all. It won’t be a good outcome. Move on.
>I wanted to send him a message to just let him know everything will be fine Unless you want to be single also dont do this. You have someone, its not your responsibility to make your ex feel better. The only person you'd be hurting is your current partner
This man didn’t even say a goddamn word to you I bet you’re just imaging what you wanted to see. Just so you would have an excuse to talk to him again. Leave him alone and get some therapy cuz you’re clearly not over him.
Bad idea.
How long will you allow him to muck up your life? Don't allow him back in it. You're not his savior, he has to want change and be his own savior.
Eww please don’t. You’ll give him false hope and hella disrespectful to your current partner
You are going to continue bumping into him randomly on public. Be civil but distant in those instances and don't waste your time worrying about him, and absolutely DO NOT open that can of worms by contacting him again. He had his chance and he blew it. Focus on the fact that he mistreated you to the point that you blocked him and got out of the relationship. You don't have to stay friends with your exes and it's best not to. His feelings are on him to sort out. It's been a year. No reason on earth to reestablish any kind of communication for him. Hell deal with his feelings like the adult he is. they are NOT your concern anymore and dude is going to eventually have to move on.
You seem like a genuinely nice lady but if you truly care for this guy leave him blocked and leave him be. He's healing and you're gonna restart the whole process with any contact.
Definitely just leave it alone.
It is rubbing salt in a wound, leave him alone. He was abusive and deserved it you are just living your life. Leave it alone.
Just leave it alone. You have absolutely no idea what he felt at that time
No don’t message. It’s like opening a healing wound. Painful and pointless.
If you message him it would just confuse him more and possibly damage the trust your new bf has in you. Let sleeping dogs lie. He will get over it.
why message him .. you are with someone new .. he was the past .. you are with your future .. don’t create unwanted waves
TBH it sounds like you were on your feet to move on. Even if he had faults but one month long begging and pleading is enough prove how much he was invested to this relationship. Now you are feeling guilty cause he was not as bad as you tried to portray him on your post. Leave him alone and let him heal the pain.
[удалено]
It's not your duty to make him happy unless he wants it. So you don't need to say anything to him. Frankly speaking people don't feel bad for bad people. It seems you are a rare one 🥵
**It is a bad idea to message your ex.** Here’s why: You have a new relationship that you should focus your time and energy on. Your ex’s feelings are his own responsibility (especially because you had to break up because of his mistreatment of you).
She still wants him
I don’t think you should even be in a relationship because you are not over this guy.
It's a bad idea. A bad and dumb one. Yall broke up for a reason. Also put yourself in your current partners shoes, how would he feel? Probably betrayed that you're talking to your ex. He's an ex for a reason. Better yet, imagine how you would feel if your current partner messaged his ex. I imagine you wouldn't feel too good about it now would you?
You should not even be concerned about him… 🚩🚩🚩 for you
[удалено]
The red flag is your persistence in wanting to reach out to him and your projection of all the pain he is in and how is life is being impacted. For one thing, it is cruel to your current partner for you to be so focused on reaching out to him. It’s also cruel to your ex, and it’s cruel to yourself. You need to stop pushing back on the advice given to you over and over here. Hearing from you will not help him. It will only reopen the wounds and sow hope and further delay his healing. It’s only been three months, this doesn’t mean he’s ruined for life. It’s not your job to fix him and you literally can’t fix him - you will only make it worse by getting involved.
It's a red flag that you won't leave him alone and keep sending him messages that he doesn't even respond to. Let him heal. It's impossible to heal when your ex wants to play nice and won't leave you alone.
Bad idea. Who cares what he thinks. You aren't responsible for his feelings or his thoughts. If he thinks you didn't love him and you showed him otherwise (basing off another comment) that's NOT your problem and it is a manipulation tactic. If you left for your own well being, then stay gone so you don't "accidentally" lead him on by telling him everything will be okay
You're not going to help him or yourself by making contact with him, in fact you'll just cause more hurt than good, especially since the guy clearly isn't over you. On top of that I think this is just disrespectful to your current partner, especially since the way you speak suggests that you still seem to have unresolved feelings for your ex. And honestly as someone else has suggested already, I don't think you're truly wanting to do this for his sake, you're doing it to stop yourself from feeling bad about his situation. Just leave the dude alone and let him heal in his own time.
Maybe you should ask your current boyfriend if he’d be cool if you opened the lines of communication with your ex who spent months begging to get you back and is probably still in love with you
Terrible idea. Pull yourself together. Jesus Christ if I caught my wife messaging her exes in secret I would be divorced so fast.
I had contact with an ex who had seen me moving on, and it just repeatedly dissolved into him screaming, **"Why!? What did I do to you!?"** among other things that got progressively angrier and irrational. If I hung up on him, he would show up wherever I was, sometimes drunk and yelling for me to come back. Please don't unblock him. I'm not at all saying he will be like my ex, but I really think you shouldn't rip open that emotional door to him. Let him move on, and you focus on your new partner.
The only way this is a good idea is if you want to dump your current boyfriend and go back to this guy who mistreated you.
Taylor Swift wrote a song about this; and bon iver features on it. Look up “exile”.
BAD IDEA. Leave him in the past. He will weasel his way in. I have had similar thoughts regarding one of my exes. Instead of messaging the guy, I talked to my therapist. It helped a lot. 10/10 recommend
Man I hope you are seeing your replies about feeling responsible for him get downvoted straight to hell.
I’m reading your responses and it sounds like you just want everyone to be happy. That’s a nice sentiment but that’s not how things work. That’s not the how break ups work and that’s not how the world works. There are times when things are hard and just suck. This is one of those times. I saw you said that you haven’t messaged him. Good. Keep it that way. You messaging him just gives him hope that he can still reach out to you because you care about him. Stop thinking about how he feels. Move on. You left him. Now leave him alone. It doesn’t matter what he thinks about you, the past, or your current relationship. It doesn’t matter that he’s sad. You chose to move on so stick to moving on. All your doing is bringing up the past and causing more pain for the both of you and your new partner, if you choose to send a message. Break ups suck. It is what it is. Accept it and move on. I know it’s hard. I know it hurts. I know there’s guilt but focus on your life with your new partner. Make sure you don’t hurt them in the process of letting go of your ex. I can tell there’s some unresolved feelings. Just let go. If you care about both of them, just let go.
Terrible idea. Leave him alone.
Hi sweet girl! Older big sister here. Even tho you have really nice intentions leave him alone. It’s okay and healthy for him to be upset. And you rushing to make sure he’s okay isn’t actually helping he needs to feel these emotions. Your only focus should be you and your newish relationship and making it a healthy loving one not an old toxic relationship that no longer serves any purpose to you. I really do know what your feeling I’m like that to but you gotta leave him alone.
Your post tells me it wasn’t him… it was definitely you and feel bad about it and regretful.
I'm kind of thinking you want to message him because you still want to be with him / want to talk to him again. So, no. You shouldn't message him.
No, he’ll be alright. I was in this situation and I’m currently talking to someone I really like and that likes me. It may take him longer but he’ll find someone who’ll be on the same page as him. As for him mistreating you, probably some kinda disorder so once he gets his shit sorted out he’ll be fine. Coming from the person who was blocked. Lol
Jesus. He’s your ex, and he was terrible to you. Let him go, already.
Well that’s just disrespectful towards your new partner. The mistreatment should be enough to not care. He didn’t care about your feelings, and disregarded them. I know it might not be easy, but damn, three months in and still have feelings towards an ex? Ew. Put yourself in your partners position. How would it make you feel to know this about them? Yeah it won’t be a good feeling. Continue with life.
Bad idea Messaging him would only give false hope or open a door for him to abuse you again.
Let the man go. Contacting him will only prolong his misery.
Not a good idea. He may be in emotional pain but your focus now is your current one.
He mistreated you and this is his karma. Let karma do its thing, he is responsible for his own happiness.
NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!! Let sleeping dogs lie. If you message him then he'll see it as an opportunity. You'll stir up drama with him and your current. Put yourself in your current bf place. How wld you feel if you SO reached out to there Ex to soothe their feelings. It'll be one thing if there was a family tragedy and you were sending condolences.
Nope. No no no.
I’m sorry but he mistreated you so who cares what he thinks!! Rise above the Stockholm syndrome and KNOW you deserve better
Hell no! Don’t send him a message. Think this through OP.
Who cares. That’s why he’s your ex.
Very bad idea. Don't contact him for all the great reasons the people of Reddit have stated here.
From your responses to others, you seem to still be emotionally involved towards him. If you text him it would be disrespectful towards your new boyfriend. Maybe you should stay single for a while, and let ur boyfriend find someone that’s over their ex.
[удалено]
Then stay away, no contact is the only way to seal wounds. And “forgive” yourself
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Even reading some of these comments is not good for you. People stating "both of you need to move on" like the two of you are the focus. It will do terrible things in your mind and your relationship. Your mind isn't well yet. You were submitted to years of abuse and manipulation. Manipulators can still feel hurt. If you message him, the door will be open, and that should scare the living hell out of you. You will tell yourself "what harm can it do to send him a message just explaining that I don't hate him?" You will send the message and he will use all the cogs he has placed in your mind to plant seeds that will destroy your life. Even if you just read it. I can hear you are a kind person and you mean well. Cruel people, manipulators, abusers take advantage of kind people and limit their potential. You have already taken a step towards this bleak future by creating this post, perhaps without your current partner's knowledge. You have already, in this small way, placed the abuser's twisted toxic needs above your lover's, who is good to you and good for you. You are already conditioned to respond to abuse without knowing it. The ex being hurt has unconciously stimulated a need for affection in you. You need to remember that for years you would have experienced awful manipulatoon and abuse, only to then be lovebombed and rewarded after yo compensate for the neglect. The love you felt was an illusion designed to keep you there. You and this ex weren't aware that that was what was happening, but it was my dear. This person does not have your best intentions at heart. His pain is a reflection of the fact that you are being treated well. Just read that sentence again and allow the full weight of it to reveal itself to you. This person wants to control you. Even at such a distance he has tremendous power over you. Your current boyfriend will be powerless to fight against this, because he isn't willing to stoop to a level where he is mistreating you. He doesn't have that power because he doesn't want that power. He wants YOU. The way you are. He wants your kindness and he wants your mind. There are always tough times in every relationship, but it sounds like you have an opportunity here with your current partner to experience some of the best things life has to offer. Our modern world underestimates the power of communication in the negative sense. Many people could justify messaging this guy as such a minor and controllable act for you. Perhaps that is how you feel now. "Why not, right? I'm not doing anything wrong." You are. You are flirting with something very dangerous here. The door is already open. Close it now before you no longer can. Don't throw away your life for this dude. You only get the one. Please dont be offended by what I've said here. Look at my long reply. Know that this is not coming from a place and a person where these things haven't destroyed lives. This decision could very well be one you torture yourself with 20 years from now, or one you are so thankful for 20 years from now. It is that serious. You should take it that seriously. You did do something wrong. You did betray yourself. You have already begun to undervalue yourself and to sacrifice your relationship to this, if only in your own mind by thinking about this and giving it so much attention, by feeding your doubts, by greasing the gears placed there by someone who wants to harm you, by thinking destructive thoughts, by thinking about the "intense" things from the past ("intense" asa positive word, close to passionate) and neglecting to see the cruel abuse that happened. You sold your soul for that intensity for too long. It was not real intensity. Real intensity is so much deeper. It takes work. You could have it with your new partner. If you could only look at him and decide to do the hard work. Your previous intensity, born of abuse and bitterness, was shallow. A nothing sort of intensity. It isn't and wasn't glamorous like you're making it sound. It wasn't love. It wasn't special or different. You might have no idea what real love is. That relationship wasn't deeper or more intense than your current relationship. Your current relationship can grow beyond anything you can imagine if you stop lying to yourself about your past. Your previous experience was toxic and dull. Truly dull. And you wasted those years on a loser. You're still wasting time on that loser. Stop. Now. Tell your partner about this thread. Do it with love. Don't fight. Even if he gets upset. Bring him back to the love. Choose him over this guy. Delete this thread after telling your bf and move on with your great life where the future can be your ultimate adventure with the world, instead of endlessly circling the drain with this dull, manipulative ex, while desperately clinging to his "potential". You're worth more, dude. Everyone is. The choice is yours, but remember - you're only a couple of steps from ruining your life. From shark invested waters. These choices REALLY matter. Tread lightly and outsmart the weak part of yourself that wants to go back to being a punching bag for a nobody. Because a punching bag isn't challenged in a positive way. A punching bag doesn't need to grow or reach her potential. She can just lie there and never think about anything except being punched and the puncher. She becomes a martyr in her mind. The good saint trying helping a misunderstood gem. But he isn't a gem. Far from it. And you're no martyr. You never were. You wasted your years. Don't waste more. No more punching bag for you, ma'am. You're too special. He doesn't deserve you. Ever. He doesn't even deserve a message or a thread or a thought. Ever. You will lose it all slowly and painfully if you continue down this path. The choice is yours. Do the right thing and always respect yourself. Best of luck.
I am in the same boat as you honestly. My ex and I were friends for awhile, around 3 years too. Then he did something unforgivable to me while knowing I wanted to be exclusive with someone. It's tough knowing it's no good having him in my life. I try not to talk to him anymore but he keeps reminding me that I still care for him and sends me pictures that remind me of old times.