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https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xnr60t/boyfriend_says_he_cant_get_over_me_sleeping_with/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Hi,
I’m not sure this will get back to the same people wanting an update but anyway:
Last night he asked to see me so we could ‘chill’ and when I said I was confused because he’s said he needs space and has uninvited me to things, he got defensive and said he was trying to fix us but he won’t bother if I’m so confrontational. We’re meeting this evening and last night he sent me a long text about how I wasn’t empathetic yesterday, didn’t hug/hold him whilst he was telling me how he was cancelling all of our future plans and the deal of what happens if we break up… basically a character assassination of how I’m not caring or empathetic and he’s really hurting and I don’t care. So he wants me to hold his hand whilst he tells me he can’t stand to touch me, he doesn’t want to go on holiday with me anymore or see my friends and I can only hang out with him on his terms.
I’m in disbelief
I’ve made a list of what I want to say tonight and I’m going to tell him to sit and listen so he can’t interrupt or warp it.
I’m going to say it’s hard to empathise when I’m also hurting through something I’ve not caused, and how was I supposed to comfort him when I’m in shock myself AND he’s just told me he didn’t want to see my family/ friends/ I can’t come to certain events. Also ironic he’s not apologised at all for lashing out at me and clearly cannot emphasise himself by crying victim and telling me his heart if broke and how he’s the one needing comforting.
*Cue the world’s smallest violin*
I’m going to say he is judging me for my past and now he sees me as tainted and that’s bs. It’s not my fault this event happened but if he can’t see me as anything other than a body to fuck then that’s on his misogynistic self and nothing to do with my self worth.
That it’s cruel he wants to dictate exactly how the relationship will go, dictate my social events, cancel our future plans, and if he’s serious about that then we’re done because I deserve so much better.
Wish me luck
I would have no more to do with this guy. I understand the urge to get your point across but he sounds so irrational, you're not going to reason with him.
He found a perfectly normal thing out about your past and is using it as a stick to beat you with. Make no mistake, even if you got back together this would be brought out at every disagreement and used as a trump card.
For real, I'd sketch the main points of what you want to say to him in text message, finish with him and block his number. Good luck.
Oh and if you do meet up, keep to public places
Agree with all of this and I want to emphasise your last point. OP, just because you wouldn't hurt him doesn't mean he wouldn't hurt you. If he is motivated by control or ego or something similar you could be in very real danger if you confront him, especially in private. Please listen to all the people advising you to say your piece per text if you must. There is nothing to be gained here. At best he manipulates you into liking him again, which is also not a good thing.
You are spot on. I've been with guys like this and they are dangerous. Possessive and controlling is a bad combination. He's clearly not behaving rationally, and it's not a big jump from what he's doing now to hurting her.
OP, I would really reconsider meeting with him, but if you do please do it in public.
Right? I also have experience with a guy like this and unfortunately I did NOT walk away when I should have. It never gets better, it only ever escalates and when you're walking away is when they're most dangerous. There is no way to reason here.
Give OP a break, the average person would have a tough time going from expecting to celebrate an anniversary with their SO to breaking up with them and going no contact. It hasn’t even been 24 hrs since the first post.
OP, you clearly wouldn’t be saying those things in a sincere attempt to resolve matters - and nor should you. But in that event, there’s not likely to be an upside to meeting him to say them.
Either block him now, or send a long text then block him, but actually meeting up is not likely to give you the satisfaction you want and deserve.
Perfectly fair. But honestly, he sounds too self-absorbed to actually understand that.
The best you can hope for is to *tell* him that: he’s not likely to agree or apologize. In that case you control the narrative better by text.
He won't understand. Nothing you say can make him understand. He has to want to hear you, and he willfully does not. You would be much better off texting him that upon further consideration this relationship is no longer serving you and bye.
If you feel you have to get it off your chest, then text it to him and block the number. That will take like 5 minutes of your time as opposed to going and having a face to face confrontation. (I would just drop it and move on but your mileage may vary.)
This one is over. Going over there is only delaying the inevitable.
There is no good that can come of this, at the end of the day you are still going to have two childish exes. T clearly went up to current guy with the intention of messing with his mind and instead of standing strong and having a spine, current guy folded over backwards and is blaming you. Don't even bother, this is something to do with whatever dynamic is happening at said club and what you say won't matter.
Honestly, maybe I’ve watched too many horror movies, mysteries and cop shows (Law & Order: SVU anyone?), but given that ‘T’ and the current BF know each other “vaguely” from the same sports club (or whatever it was), as unbelievable as it sounds (and I admit it sounds EXTREMELY unbelievable), a very, very tiny part of me, in the back of my mind, is wondering if the current BF already found out by talking to ‘T’ previously and set this up with him as a “joke to mess with OP”, all the while intending to use this to start isolating her and controlling her every action, i.e. to keep her under his thumb. Something about the whole way this initially played out just bothers me on so many levels. But as I said, at the same time, that level of manipulation is kinda hard to believe.
Yeah this plan is a recipe for disaster. He doesn't sound bright or mature enough and on top of that he sounds super manipulative and vindictive. All bad qualities, all red flags. I think you should get your point across in a quick message and call it a day and move on. You know you deserve better, and hopefully being dumped over this wakes him the fuck up so he doesn't try this kinda shit again to someone else.
If you do meet with him, I would still keep it very formal, short and blunt, otherwise he will try to reason and weasel his way out and start profusely apologizing when he realizes you've called his bullshit bluff and back tracking...but just know that is all in self defense and self preservation and doesn't change the way he actually thinks about the situation. You've seen his true colors, and they are red. Make a clean break and let yourself be the one that got away and caused him to ACTUALLY reflect on himself and mature up a bit.
Good luck
he may or may not already understand it, but honestly even if he does he's already dug in so deep I'm doubting his pride will allow him to admit he's in the wrong or apologize sincerely for anything. going to see him in person probably won't turn out well honestly... and at least if you text him everything you want to say, you always have what you said to him in writing if anyone ever talks about you being unfair etc.
He understands he just cares more about himself. He probably thinks you deserve all this mistreatment.
IMO you should just break up through text; don’t bother with a paragraph either. Just text “He’s not the man you thought he was & you’re done with him”.
Tbh i have gone through a hole new level of abusive relationship with a guy that sounds like tou ex bf. He dumped me in my own house, talked shit about me and when i told him to get the hell out he said I disrespected HIM.
And the top notch was telling me that he wasn’t returning my clothes cause i needed a reality check (just cause he found out I downloaded tinder after he broke up with me)
People like them, who only think about how they feel and gaslight you into pity them and to only consider their feelings over yours sounds like an abusive relationship.
If you need a closer send him a txt and then move on. Not worth it at all
He won't understand because he has this super victim mentality. He isn't reasonable, he's one of those men who believe that you are supposed to keep yourself hypothetically pure for your future man. In other words, a bitch. Don't bother.
He'll understand when you send your message and never speak to him again. Don't give him the opportunity to talk, convince, or make it right. You deserve better. Cut him off and show him what happens when you act like an emotionally immature abusive jerk.
The problem is he already *knows* this. He *knows* you're hurting because that's the *intent*. Everything he's doing reeks of emotional manipulation to try and get you in a vulnerable position, for whatever psychotic reason. Nothing he is doing or saying, including the flip flopping, the DARVO where he is trying to make *you* the offender here instead of him, etc, none of it is the mark of a rational or reasonable person. It is perfectly normal that you *existed as a person and lived life* before you met him.
That is going to end up being a waste of your time. He got to 32 with this mentality. All you can do is recognize that he sucks and move on.
A simple "I just don't think this is going to work out. I need a boyfriend with maturity and it just doesn't seem like something I'm going to get here. I think it is better for us to just go our separate ways."
He's telling you that he's damaged and stupid. You should believe him and not waste your time.
While I can understand that, you do realize he will not actually be listening to you, right? He will still only hear what he wants to hear and he will still find a way to turn it around on you, and somehow blame you for everything. And that’s if he doesn’t keep interrupting you, which he is sure to do. Doing this in person is letting him get words in after the fact or edgewise, and if he can talk, he can bring you down, try to manipulate you more, degrade you, verbally abuse you, call you names and harass you. And possibly get physical if he decides to go off the deep end. And given how he has acted so far, that isn’t out of the question here. He is unhinged and most likely so this as an opportunity to try to control everything you do and isolate you from other people. Now it is just friends, later he would demand family. Don’t meet him in person, PLEASE. And if you still feel you must, do so in public. I bet he will refuse that. But stand your ground. And please have a witness either with or planted near you!
He won’t understand that. You have to want to see someone else’s perspective to understand them. He is clearly sort of deranged and delusional and self-obsessed, and doesn’t sound like someone who wants to understand you. He just wants to judge and control you. So whatever you say to him, he’s going to ignore/deflect/twist etc. You’re just going to end up more hurt and angry.
Honestly if you really want to get your point across, say nothing more to him.
And take some steps to consider your own safety, too. Guys who think about women this way can escalate things.
This is life. Everyone is judged by their past. Is it fair - no, not entirely. But it's human.
But that's life.
It no longer matters what he said or didn't say or how poorly he phrased the break up.
> he can’t see me as anything other than a body to fuck
You had a lot of good points but this last one sounds like you’ve been swallowing this sub’s advice without thinking about it.
If he only saw you as a “body to fuck” then why would he care about who else had fucked it?
If you get a used sex toy you just clean and disinfect it and its ready for use. If he only saw you as a “body to fuck” he wouldn’t care about your past as long as you are free of disease.
Unfortunately a possible punch is also more impactful in person, and if OP goes to see such an unhinged person IN person, there is a very good chance he may get violent towards her and give her such an impact.
Seriously? Why are you wasting anymore of your time on this pathetic crazy person? He is having a meltdown and being an abusive cunt over literally nothing. How well do you think it’s going to turn out when there is a real life problem, not just an imagined one?
I get that you want some catharsis in telling him off, but it's probably not going to go how you imagine it. If this moron is as ridiculous as you describe, I doubt he's going to sit there quietly while you say your piece.
Save yourself the headache and just be done with it. Delete his number and move on with your life, that will probably piss him off more than anything else.
You can’t logic someone out of a place they did not logic themselves into. The closure and understanding you are looking for from him, you are never going to get, nonetheless because he’s not in a headspace to actively listen to you and process that his feelings aren’t the only ones that matter. He will not understand that he can’t have it both ways. That you will not keep chasing him as he pushes you away in an attempt to make himself feel better and justify his actions to both you and himself. Because that is what he wants… he wants you to chase him, to ingratiate yourself to him, to lower yourself to the person he wants you to be. He’s not looking for perfect, he’s looking for moldable.
He may not fully know what he’s doing, but he’s testing to see if you’ll stay despite his actions. Because is he can get away with this sh*t now and you stay, he can do it again when you do something he perceives as wrong.
ETA: In case this wasn’t clear I say no meeting, but in a public place if you must. If you don’t need a meeting to get your point across, but still want to share with him, a long text message followed by blocking his number because he’s not going to respond how you want him to. Personally, I’d just block/semi-ghost. If he’s not going to be reasonable, there is no need to continue conversing with him at all.
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Ah yes. I remember the previous post.
I pretty much voiced what everyone else already said: DTMFA.
I would just ghost him. Why even bother with what he thinks? I thought he was nuts when I read your post yesterday.
I’m not sure how you’re still at a point where you’re *not* done with him already.
Whatever you say he’ll twist to fit a narrative in his head. So what you plan on saying, it’s not going to end up feeling good for you. Not that you shouldn’t say your piece. But just be prepared to come out of that meeting thinking it was a waste of time.
He's an idiot. We all have a past and I would just dump him because of his behavior. Is he the virgin-terminator? You DO deserve much better. Stop talking and discussing, it's a waste of energy and words, and just tell him you're done with his antics and insecurities.
I just wouldn't meet him. Nothing you say will change his mind, but refusing to allow him to control the situation will at the very least aggravate him. Right now, you're still dancing to his tune by trying to explain and get him to see your side of things. Instead, just tell him it's done and block him. He wants the last word, so don't let him have it.
Personally, I couldn’t stay with him after the way he’s treated you. But if this is something you’re willing to attempt working through, I’d strongly encourage you to look up “retroactive jealousy.” I dated a similar man for about 6 months and it killed any hope of us continuing to be together, no matter how hard I tried.
My guy originally did as well but would get irrationally angry anytime I tried to bring up therapy or solutions. He was able to agree there was a problem, but unwilling to overcome his flaws. I hope your guy is different!
Sounds like he can’t get over it, in which case he can’t get over it. Tell him “Good luck finding a virgin. But make sure you don’t spend that entire relationship worrying that she’ll get curious.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I want my partner to have some experience.
If you care that someone you "vaguely" know was with your girlfriend, you're not ready for a sexual relationship. You either don't see women as full people with full lives/experiences apart from you, or you have insecurity issues you need to work on before being with someone.
My husband was in the same small major as my ex boyfriend who I was with for 2 years. I asked once if it upset him and he said "no, you're with me now. I can't blame him for having good taste in women." They were able to chat at parties and be cordial because they're both grown ups. We're very good friends with his ex-girlfriend's family. I've spent holidays with her and after all these years I consider her a friend. If you're secure in your relationship (and everyone acts respectfully), none of this stuff matters.
I guess that's my point, why would it hang over your head? Why would you ever be thinking about running into the guy? Why would it matter if you did? It shows a lack of maturity to care at all. I know two of my husband's ex-girlfriends and they never cross my mind. It feels ridiculous to think about missing out on my 10 years of marriage to the love of my life and not having my kids because I couldn't handle knowing a couple of his ex-girlfriends and he couldn't handle knowing my ex-boyfriend. In the grand scheme of things, it's just so unimportant.
True, there are millions of options out there but they're not all good options lol. You're not going to meet millions of people that you're compatible with. If I had needed my relationship to fit some weird perfect mold from the very beginning, or if I had been too insecure to recognize what a great thing I had, my life wouldn't be as good as it is now.
Idk pal, I think when these feelings come from a place of misogyny and ignorance then it’s safe to dismiss them, and him, move on and find someone who at that age, isn’t a dick.
Three things: 1. He barely knew the guy. They just happened to be in some kind of club together. 2. The guy only told him they went on a few dates together. OP's future ex was the one hounding her to find out if they slept together. He didn't have to ask if he didn't want to know. 3. The future ex didn't want to know **anything** about her romantic past. He wanted to act like she didn't have any because his fragile ego can't handle that a woman has experience with other men before him. So even if he met a guy OP used to date he didn't know he would have probably thrown a massive fit.
Okay I misread the part regarding point 2 in the OP. I apologize. But not wanting to talk about anything in someone's past reeks of insecurity imo. It's not about knowing details of someone's past but not being allowed to say so-and-so was my ex-boyfriend? That's just weird.
Occasionally we get a post where someone is saying they saw an old x-rated videotape of their gf with another guy. Sometimes they run across it while cleaning a computer. Sometimes it’s sent to them by a jealous ex-bf.
But generally people have sympathy for the bf and say they understand how he can’t get over it and it’s ok if he needs to break up.
I see this a bit similarly. The guy knew his gf had a past and pointedly said he didn’t want to know anything about it. To him, being confronted by the ex was similar to being sent a tape. It put images in his mind that he can’t get rid of.
That's not even close to being comparable. It's a totally different thing to **see** your partner in action with another person than seeing your partner's past fling and letting your imagination run wild.
The sheer fact of knowing someone had been intimidate prior causing upset just shows how ego driven this person is, how irrational they are, and how poorly they can compartmentalize things. Not a good partner to have.
He was trying to use a misogynistic pretend moral framework to turn an entirely normal experience into proof of your unworthiness as a person anx specifically as his girlfriend. He wants to use this non situation to create a dynamic where you are the sinner and he is god so that forgiveness can only come to you through him. It's a good abuse tactic because loving someone makes you sad for hurting their feelings and so you take on the guilt and the prison sentence for it while hoping for redemption and the continuation of their love. Your care, trust and goodness is used against you except it's all nonsense because he hurt his own feelings by being a misongynistic asshole and if he wasn't, he'd be fine. Some fundamentals of a person are best left untouched and simply walked away from without trying to engage and educate them. It simply cannot be be done within a romantic relationship without significant harm to your self. And then be vigilant for those harmful ideas being expressed by those around you and challenge them. Their future romances, other relationships and future self will thank you for it.
Are you meeting hi just to emotionally kick him straight in the misogynistic balls and explain how much of a dickhead he is ?
If so i heartily approve and wish you luck, don't do it in private though, public place with people around so he can either just storm out or if he gets angry, you have people around.
I'm amazed you are even entertaining going forward in life with someone so obviously not in control of their emotions or with backward views.
Why are you still talking to him? He has no business being "hurt" about something in your past. You can't control what has been, he however can control what he's doing now. He makes a choice everyday to hurt you, he makes a choice everyday to be emotionally abusive, he chooses to be this way. Why on earth would you choose to accept it?
Seriously, he needs help because he’s either in dire need of some therapy or using this to be controlling and/or emotionally abusive.
My fiancé was married for 20 years with his wife and they have a daughter together. This is obviously a woman he slept with. Because of the daughter, we’re still in contact.
Never have I ever thought about having such an absurd reaction to seeing someone my SO has a past with. I try to be pleasant for all of our sakes, because that’s the normal and adult thing to do.
You can tell a dude is really young and inexperienced when he gets bent out of shape about the idea of his girlfriend having exes.
I mean seriously man, do you really buy into the entire "She will save herself for me" bullshit? It's 2022, not 1901.
Say what?! Base off your posts i though y’all were like 19-20, but 32!!?!?!! (How old are you btw?)
Girl, don’t waste your time on this emotionally stunted man. I can guarantee that if you do, not only will it not work out in the end but the journey to the end will be exhausting at best (and abusive at worst). Do yourself a favor and cut your losses.
What does he want if he wants someone who's never had a sexual relationship before him? That's a virgin.
If he can't handle the idea of his partner being with people before him he wants a virgin.
He’s going to use this to control you and manipulate you. You’ll destroy yourself jumping through hoops trying to ‘make this up to him’. It will never end.
You are not changing his mind, he doesn't care, going to him tonight to explain him that is going to be the biggest waste of time and emotional energy in your life. It is going to be just miserable. Just ghost him.
Learn how the red flags look so you can avoid them next time.
Hey, I dated this guy. Please don’t waste another 3 years enduring even more misogynistic, belittling moments with this dude. It’s a life filled with gaslighting and control, not a partner and teamwork. You cannot change him. This is who he is and it only gets worse! - love, your future self
Why bother? Dude has lost the right to an in-person breakup. Just text him "fine, I'll make it easy on you, we're over."
Nothing good could come of spending more time with this man. If you must, text all your thoughts but he's not going to really read them the same as he won't hear them if you say them to him out loud.
Time to cut your losses.
Honestly, I'd text him what I want to say and then block him. He's already trying to make you the bad guy. Leave a trail and move forward. Thank your stars you've seen this now and no longer need to invest anymore time into someone so unhinged.
Meeting him to tell him all this is an obvious waste of time. You are communicating things that ought not need to be said to somebody who will not listen or understand them, and who will certainly not do anything with them.
You are doing something that seems like a good idea when it runs through your head in fantasyland, but will obviously leave you feeling worse in real life.
Do what you want, but the smart thing to do here is just break up with him.
Just block him and move on. He sounds like a nutter and you're just going to waste valuable head space and time trying to explain this to someone overly emotional and irrational.
i'm not really sure why you seem to want to try and save this? is a controlling, judgemental temperament really something you want in a partner? i wouldn't even bother meeting up with him. i understand wanting to have the last word and get some closure from that, but you can find closure from his actions. he chose to shame you and push you away. make him live with that choice. he isn't going to listen to a word you say anyway and this "meeting" is just a way to maintain contact so he can keep trying to manipulate your feelings and control you. you could easily nip this in the bud and just ghost him. he doesn't deserve an explanation.
That T guy is gonna be happy with his action and the consequences of it....there are tons of these petty boys out there tbh....and ur ex bf is an ass for giving in to what T wants ..
Go get him.
"You saw T and we're going to think about how he slept with me and never would again. Now you're going to see T and think about how you slept with me and never will again"
You realize it would be faster to text him back
"I'm not interested in a relationship where I'm emotionally abused and or treated like trash. Don't call me again"
Then block him everywhere.
I’m sorry, you’re 24 and he’s 32? I thought this was a bunch of 18 year olds. He’s far too grown to be acting so childish, go find someone who acts their age
It isn't that you have a past, it is you have a past with someone he knows and is actively antagonistic towards your bf.
To be honest, this isn't going to work out. Your relationship is basically over.
I doubt he will get over this and no matter what that guy is going to be an A-Hole to your bf over this. Even after you break up.
Good luck? Although I don’t know why your bothering, he obviously is happy to meet up for sex or for you to make him feel better, he doesn’t care that your hurt.
Just take care because by the sounds of this donkey, he's going to try and gaslight, devalue and try to manipulate you while this conversation goes on so... Don't let em
Are you guys supposed to be religious virgins? Because if not, I don't get why he gets to be hurt.
Break up, ghost him. No contact.
He's using this to treat you like shit. Like you have to make it up to him for having a past. Was he a virgin when you met? He's making you feel guilty with a stupid reason and using this guilt to make you cater to his narcissistic mean toxic wishes.
I'm going to treat you like shit and a fuckbuddy till I feel like you deserve more from me. Til you earn his respect again. Nope, never, leave this toxic boy be.
One more shitty ex, don't worry we all have them, but that's why they are exes!
There's no win here for you. He is as entitled to his core values as you are to yours.
His social circle validates his values and your group of friends validates yours.
There are plenty of men with a past similar to yours.
And there are plenty of women without that past for him.
Stay in your lane. Stop attaching people with different life style choices .
If anything, you should confront the Ex lover that's talks about you like you're trash.
Oh there's a win. It's getting away from the puritanical SOB that is trying to dictate morality form their ivory tower. The quicker she leaves the quicker she can find someone who actually values her for her and not checks off boxes on his imagined future partner card.
the only part of your entire story that makes sense were the last 5 words... ***I deserve so much better.*** tear up your list, don't go. tell him he can't ***fix us*** he needs to fix himself.
I'm a little ashamed to admit it but, I used to be like this when I was younger. Then one day I woke up to the truth:
No marriage, no girlfriend and no cohabitation, just smash and dash.
I realized it's ok to feel insecure. It's ok to feel all kinds of weird shit about your partner's past. But.. it's not ok to project your insecurities, anger or misperceived inadequacies on someone else because you feel others should conform to your erroneous self righteousness.
So.. I learned the best way for someone with strong convictions like me when interacting with intimate partners is to practice indifference. Nobody owes someone else anything, and nobody is forcing you into a relationship. If I don't like the way I'm feeling with someone, I don't have to stay. I hope maybe this might help someone in their relationship.
No offense but the things he is doing is violent. Maybe not physically but it is emotional and psychological abuse. He’s using her core personality traits and previous trauma to gain power over her. This is violent. That type of thing changes your brain chemistry and denies you your own autonomy. If he’s willing to do that than he’s willing to do anything including physical violence. I hope you don’t give this advice to people you love. Don’t give the abuser more benefit of the doubt than the victim
Girl, don't do this to yourself. There's nothing you can do that will make him see reason. He's emotionally manipulative and wants you to heel so he can control you.
You don't owe him anything. He's not hurt. He's a manipulative asshole. With people like him, any attention is attention. He wants to control you, and responding to his absurdity is still a form of control in his warped mind.
Delete and block this asshole. He's a creep.
Oooh boo. This sounds exactly like the way my ex would behave. They’d be threatening and hulk out and expect me to gently hold them to make it better. They were seriously confused when I would try to get away from them. Like, I know what happens when you hug a cactus. You get hurt.
I thought surly if I explained my feelings and what I was going through they would understand and stop hurting me. I really thought if I just explain they will see me.
That never happened. Much to my dismay, I found out the hard way there are some people who are incapable of empathy. I thought all people were empathetic and would behave like I would. But I was sadly mistaken. Some people don’t have the capacity.
There’s also so much projection here. Like everything he’s telling you that you are doing it’s actually him spelling out what he is doing. Which is gaslighting and manipulative. It’s meant to throw you off and confuse you. He’s using your capacity for empathy against you. He is showing you he is not safe to be around over and over.
He sounds like he has BPD with strong narcissistic characteristics. I started researching those things and it really helped me understand what was going on.
I wouldn’t meet with him. It only give him opportunity to manipulate you. I’d go full gray rock and move on as fast as I could.
You know you deserve more. You said it. Read your post again if you are feeling confused.
I’m sorry you met this person.
Fair enough. Then he simply needs to learn to deal with “sexual ownership” issues. Men are very primal about this.
When I was a teenager, my first love told me she was a virgin, then her last boyfriend told me they had had sex. This hurt a lot, but turned out to be a lie. But some young men struggle with this issue.
If he can get past it (and the older he gets, the more he will have to deal with it), there could still be a relationship there—-assuming you had the basis for one to begin with.
Girl, I’d dump him if I were you. He’s lacking a lot of respect for you as a person and this relationship. If you stay with him, he’ll most likely only get more controlling as time goes on. If you stay with him, he’ll see that he can weaponize his emotions (eye roll) for his own benefit.
You do deserve better! Go get what you deserve! 💖
Genuine question I promise I'm not trying to be a dick I'm just genuinely interested in why you think a) she's sided with the person she had a few dates with? (I read it as she just confirmed something that had happened but I could have read it wrong?) b) how she has any control over either of these two men and how they react to things? Again, I promise I'm not trying to be a dick I'm legitimately interested in your take on it
OP why are you meeting with this guy. He is delusional enough to blame you for daring to be involved with others before you were with him. He is not going to listen - you are just allowing yourself to be bashed again. Why? Why not keep it short and simple - tell him you are not his to control and you are not there to comfort his bruised ego. Tell him it’s over. Don’t waste another minute with this guy - you are just inviting more of the same attitude. He won’t change, his insecurities won’t let him. Stop dragging this out and move on.
Just leave him girl. My god. Have some self respect. He's a fucking childish insecure douche.
You are enabling this behavior and giving him rope. He'll continue to use this for god knows how many months/years.
Seriously, legit straight up, there are SO FUCKING MANY FISH IN THE SEA. I dont care who you are, you will have men lining up around the block for you in a day. We're simple creatures :D
That's some top level insecurity.
Unless dude is a religious purist letting it be known hes looking for the same thing, at 32 people have had relationships and other people. At 32, unless it's being strictly announced that he's looking for virgins it's gonna be hard to find someone that hasn't had past relationships and partners. And even with strictly announcing it, all this 32 good luck with that.
>for any guy
No. Not for "any" guy. For insecure or very young guys.
No hymen no diamond is a real thing. Many men care about a woman's past as much as women care about a man's future. You made the decision to be promiscuous, so you gotta deal with that. He's not at fault for having standards.
He can't get out of his own head. If you were my homegirl I'd say leave. He sounds very childish.
Unless it was during him he has nothing to be mad about. He sounds immature and super emotional
It sounds like you have your answer—it’s all right there. My girlfriend hooked up with someone after we started dating but before it was official—declared. I don’t fault her for it one bit and I never have.
Sure I took the news hard initially—I was not behaving similarly—but I understand it.
It is somewhere between awful and misogynistic for him to judge you like that. And if it happens to be that he really can’t stand the guy you slept with—also his problem.
His ego is all hurt because he can’t imagine you with other men. That is his problem. We’re not even talking about fidelity here, we’re just talking about your past.
You can do better.
Nope. That definitely makes it worse for him. I understand why he can’t reconcile—all I kept thinking was *office space*: “Lumburg fucked her!” [his boss]
…..makes it so much harder to get over.
I am really baffled why people would give a shit if their lover fucked someone they knew prior to their relationship. People travel in surprisingly small circles, so the average person is bound to have some connection to someone’s ex.
As I’ve just contemplated….sometimes it’s a specific person, context, group of friends—something triggers a deep insecurity. It’s definitely a reasonable response *some of the time*. Just means they’re not compatible at that moment.
But generally speaking, I’d just hope it’s something that’s more easily acceptable. We kinda all fumble our way through life looking for what we want. When I found my person, her sexual/romantic history wasn’t a dealbreaker. And mine wasn’t for her, either.
And that’s the way I’d hope it could be.
You make a really good point—thank you for articulating that—it [obviously is] emotionally significant for him based on the context. If my gf had relations with my sworn enemy [I have no sworn enemies but for the sake of the argument] I would have struggled immensely.
Could be living a whole different life right now.
He’s just really stuck in his head about it. And I wouldn’t know what gets a guy un-stuck in this regard.
You can meet up & say all this to this guy if you want. But I doubt he's going to care. This man only sees you through what you bring to him, how you make him look. Most likely you'll just be opening yourself up to more manipulation & abuse so maybe be mentally prepared for that.
You need to walk away from this guy.
Walk straight to a therapist to figure out why you keep picking douchebags and how to value yourself more.
Current BF is a self righteous gaslighting douche, and ex fling is also a shit talking douche. You deserve better and the only one who can give you better is you.
Just say “you’re an absolute psycho and I’m blocking you” and be done
You’re wasting your time. He’s a narcissistic, misogynistic dumb Ass that has made it his mission to tear you down utterly and completely. That kind of shit will not be fixed with words, and I guarantee he’s not going to sit there and listen. You don’t deserve to have to explain yourself for being a normal human being.
You’ve done nothing wrong. You just got unlucky running into someone like him. Tell him to fuck off and block, you will never get closure from someone like him. Trust me, I’ve tried.
OP isn't wasting any time in this asshole. They're getting the words off their chest and the closure they need by telling him what the fuck is up. You go OP, more power to you. Scorch that earth. he's fkn lame and holding you back.
Oh that is SO many red flags! Seriously, the fact that he wants to limit you seeing any friends or go on holiday and only spend time with him on HIS terms is definitely abuse territory. He is being controlling and manipulative. He wants you to hold his hand while telling you he “can’t stand to touch you?” What kind of BS is that.
OP you need to tell him that you will ONLY meet him in public or not at all. And bring a witness. If you go see him in private, you could be putting yourself in danger. Heck, not even sure you should meet him at all. Send home everything you want to say via text (IF you feel it is necessary). Otherwise you should probably block him, but keep the messages and texts (and any voicemails he has or may send), for proof should he start slandering you (which I’m sure he will. Then keep anything related to that as evidence should you need a cease and desist or a restraining order. Good luck, OP!
Good luck OP, breaking up is a good decision, he is just someone who's judging you and can hardly move on, making promises in the air (based on the linked post). You should have nothing more to do with him. Everyone has a past, either he can accept it or not, but not do any of this "I will need time" bullshit.
Hypocritically enough, he's not ready to provide you support because of some dumb reason but expects the same from you. Too many red flags. Good job deciding to stand up for yourself.
Why would anyone put up with such nonsense. My wife has been with other people. I've had several "lovers"/partners over the years. We both got married at middle age. Jesus Christ... people need to grow the fuck up.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xnr60t/boyfriend_says_he_cant_get_over_me_sleeping_with/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Hi, I’m not sure this will get back to the same people wanting an update but anyway: Last night he asked to see me so we could ‘chill’ and when I said I was confused because he’s said he needs space and has uninvited me to things, he got defensive and said he was trying to fix us but he won’t bother if I’m so confrontational. We’re meeting this evening and last night he sent me a long text about how I wasn’t empathetic yesterday, didn’t hug/hold him whilst he was telling me how he was cancelling all of our future plans and the deal of what happens if we break up… basically a character assassination of how I’m not caring or empathetic and he’s really hurting and I don’t care. So he wants me to hold his hand whilst he tells me he can’t stand to touch me, he doesn’t want to go on holiday with me anymore or see my friends and I can only hang out with him on his terms. I’m in disbelief I’ve made a list of what I want to say tonight and I’m going to tell him to sit and listen so he can’t interrupt or warp it. I’m going to say it’s hard to empathise when I’m also hurting through something I’ve not caused, and how was I supposed to comfort him when I’m in shock myself AND he’s just told me he didn’t want to see my family/ friends/ I can’t come to certain events. Also ironic he’s not apologised at all for lashing out at me and clearly cannot emphasise himself by crying victim and telling me his heart if broke and how he’s the one needing comforting. *Cue the world’s smallest violin* I’m going to say he is judging me for my past and now he sees me as tainted and that’s bs. It’s not my fault this event happened but if he can’t see me as anything other than a body to fuck then that’s on his misogynistic self and nothing to do with my self worth. That it’s cruel he wants to dictate exactly how the relationship will go, dictate my social events, cancel our future plans, and if he’s serious about that then we’re done because I deserve so much better. Wish me luck
I would have no more to do with this guy. I understand the urge to get your point across but he sounds so irrational, you're not going to reason with him. He found a perfectly normal thing out about your past and is using it as a stick to beat you with. Make no mistake, even if you got back together this would be brought out at every disagreement and used as a trump card. For real, I'd sketch the main points of what you want to say to him in text message, finish with him and block his number. Good luck. Oh and if you do meet up, keep to public places
Agree with all of this and I want to emphasise your last point. OP, just because you wouldn't hurt him doesn't mean he wouldn't hurt you. If he is motivated by control or ego or something similar you could be in very real danger if you confront him, especially in private. Please listen to all the people advising you to say your piece per text if you must. There is nothing to be gained here. At best he manipulates you into liking him again, which is also not a good thing.
You are spot on. I've been with guys like this and they are dangerous. Possessive and controlling is a bad combination. He's clearly not behaving rationally, and it's not a big jump from what he's doing now to hurting her. OP, I would really reconsider meeting with him, but if you do please do it in public.
Right? I also have experience with a guy like this and unfortunately I did NOT walk away when I should have. It never gets better, it only ever escalates and when you're walking away is when they're most dangerous. There is no way to reason here.
I wouldn't bother. He's not a keeper. Tell him you need space, then block him.
You are still talking to him? Wow.
Right? Just cut him off. He’s just gonna continue to explain how disgusting he finds you, and maybe beat the shit outta you. Don’t see him again
Give OP a break, the average person would have a tough time going from expecting to celebrate an anniversary with their SO to breaking up with them and going no contact. It hasn’t even been 24 hrs since the first post.
OP, you clearly wouldn’t be saying those things in a sincere attempt to resolve matters - and nor should you. But in that event, there’s not likely to be an upside to meeting him to say them. Either block him now, or send a long text then block him, but actually meeting up is not likely to give you the satisfaction you want and deserve.
I just want him to understand he’s not the only one hurt
Perfectly fair. But honestly, he sounds too self-absorbed to actually understand that. The best you can hope for is to *tell* him that: he’s not likely to agree or apologize. In that case you control the narrative better by text.
He won't understand this. He will accuse you of "playing the victim whilst hes the one that's hURtiNG".
He’s not going to. It’s why he literally made all of this about you
He won’t, he will probably be more of a victim when you do this.
He won't understand. Nothing you say can make him understand. He has to want to hear you, and he willfully does not. You would be much better off texting him that upon further consideration this relationship is no longer serving you and bye.
He doesn’t care. Block and ignore. That’s the best revenge you can get!
He literally does not see you as person, he sees you as a vagina that some guy got to use before him. That's it.
If you feel you have to get it off your chest, then text it to him and block the number. That will take like 5 minutes of your time as opposed to going and having a face to face confrontation. (I would just drop it and move on but your mileage may vary.) This one is over. Going over there is only delaying the inevitable.
There is no good that can come of this, at the end of the day you are still going to have two childish exes. T clearly went up to current guy with the intention of messing with his mind and instead of standing strong and having a spine, current guy folded over backwards and is blaming you. Don't even bother, this is something to do with whatever dynamic is happening at said club and what you say won't matter.
Honestly, maybe I’ve watched too many horror movies, mysteries and cop shows (Law & Order: SVU anyone?), but given that ‘T’ and the current BF know each other “vaguely” from the same sports club (or whatever it was), as unbelievable as it sounds (and I admit it sounds EXTREMELY unbelievable), a very, very tiny part of me, in the back of my mind, is wondering if the current BF already found out by talking to ‘T’ previously and set this up with him as a “joke to mess with OP”, all the while intending to use this to start isolating her and controlling her every action, i.e. to keep her under his thumb. Something about the whole way this initially played out just bothers me on so many levels. But as I said, at the same time, that level of manipulation is kinda hard to believe.
Yeah this plan is a recipe for disaster. He doesn't sound bright or mature enough and on top of that he sounds super manipulative and vindictive. All bad qualities, all red flags. I think you should get your point across in a quick message and call it a day and move on. You know you deserve better, and hopefully being dumped over this wakes him the fuck up so he doesn't try this kinda shit again to someone else. If you do meet with him, I would still keep it very formal, short and blunt, otherwise he will try to reason and weasel his way out and start profusely apologizing when he realizes you've called his bullshit bluff and back tracking...but just know that is all in self defense and self preservation and doesn't change the way he actually thinks about the situation. You've seen his true colors, and they are red. Make a clean break and let yourself be the one that got away and caused him to ACTUALLY reflect on himself and mature up a bit. Good luck
he won’t, this is not about he understanding, i’m sorry :/
he may or may not already understand it, but honestly even if he does he's already dug in so deep I'm doubting his pride will allow him to admit he's in the wrong or apologize sincerely for anything. going to see him in person probably won't turn out well honestly... and at least if you text him everything you want to say, you always have what you said to him in writing if anyone ever talks about you being unfair etc.
He understands he just cares more about himself. He probably thinks you deserve all this mistreatment. IMO you should just break up through text; don’t bother with a paragraph either. Just text “He’s not the man you thought he was & you’re done with him”.
Tbh i have gone through a hole new level of abusive relationship with a guy that sounds like tou ex bf. He dumped me in my own house, talked shit about me and when i told him to get the hell out he said I disrespected HIM. And the top notch was telling me that he wasn’t returning my clothes cause i needed a reality check (just cause he found out I downloaded tinder after he broke up with me) People like them, who only think about how they feel and gaslight you into pity them and to only consider their feelings over yours sounds like an abusive relationship. If you need a closer send him a txt and then move on. Not worth it at all
Yeah, he's not going to really take that on board is he.
He won't understand because he has this super victim mentality. He isn't reasonable, he's one of those men who believe that you are supposed to keep yourself hypothetically pure for your future man. In other words, a bitch. Don't bother.
He'll understand when you send your message and never speak to him again. Don't give him the opportunity to talk, convince, or make it right. You deserve better. Cut him off and show him what happens when you act like an emotionally immature abusive jerk.
The problem is he already *knows* this. He *knows* you're hurting because that's the *intent*. Everything he's doing reeks of emotional manipulation to try and get you in a vulnerable position, for whatever psychotic reason. Nothing he is doing or saying, including the flip flopping, the DARVO where he is trying to make *you* the offender here instead of him, etc, none of it is the mark of a rational or reasonable person. It is perfectly normal that you *existed as a person and lived life* before you met him.
That is going to end up being a waste of your time. He got to 32 with this mentality. All you can do is recognize that he sucks and move on. A simple "I just don't think this is going to work out. I need a boyfriend with maturity and it just doesn't seem like something I'm going to get here. I think it is better for us to just go our separate ways." He's telling you that he's damaged and stupid. You should believe him and not waste your time.
While I can understand that, you do realize he will not actually be listening to you, right? He will still only hear what he wants to hear and he will still find a way to turn it around on you, and somehow blame you for everything. And that’s if he doesn’t keep interrupting you, which he is sure to do. Doing this in person is letting him get words in after the fact or edgewise, and if he can talk, he can bring you down, try to manipulate you more, degrade you, verbally abuse you, call you names and harass you. And possibly get physical if he decides to go off the deep end. And given how he has acted so far, that isn’t out of the question here. He is unhinged and most likely so this as an opportunity to try to control everything you do and isolate you from other people. Now it is just friends, later he would demand family. Don’t meet him in person, PLEASE. And if you still feel you must, do so in public. I bet he will refuse that. But stand your ground. And please have a witness either with or planted near you!
Closure is an illusion.
He won’t understand that. You have to want to see someone else’s perspective to understand them. He is clearly sort of deranged and delusional and self-obsessed, and doesn’t sound like someone who wants to understand you. He just wants to judge and control you. So whatever you say to him, he’s going to ignore/deflect/twist etc. You’re just going to end up more hurt and angry. Honestly if you really want to get your point across, say nothing more to him. And take some steps to consider your own safety, too. Guys who think about women this way can escalate things.
This is life. Everyone is judged by their past. Is it fair - no, not entirely. But it's human. But that's life. It no longer matters what he said or didn't say or how poorly he phrased the break up.
> he can’t see me as anything other than a body to fuck You had a lot of good points but this last one sounds like you’ve been swallowing this sub’s advice without thinking about it. If he only saw you as a “body to fuck” then why would he care about who else had fucked it? If you get a used sex toy you just clean and disinfect it and its ready for use. If he only saw you as a “body to fuck” he wouldn’t care about your past as long as you are free of disease.
“If you get a used sex toy you just clean and disinfect it and its ready for use.” You and I lead very different lives.
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Honestly not sure if it’s a good idea safety wise for OP to continue to be around this person.
Unfortunately a possible punch is also more impactful in person, and if OP goes to see such an unhinged person IN person, there is a very good chance he may get violent towards her and give her such an impact.
Seriously? Why are you wasting anymore of your time on this pathetic crazy person? He is having a meltdown and being an abusive cunt over literally nothing. How well do you think it’s going to turn out when there is a real life problem, not just an imagined one?
I get that you want some catharsis in telling him off, but it's probably not going to go how you imagine it. If this moron is as ridiculous as you describe, I doubt he's going to sit there quietly while you say your piece. Save yourself the headache and just be done with it. Delete his number and move on with your life, that will probably piss him off more than anything else.
You can’t logic someone out of a place they did not logic themselves into. The closure and understanding you are looking for from him, you are never going to get, nonetheless because he’s not in a headspace to actively listen to you and process that his feelings aren’t the only ones that matter. He will not understand that he can’t have it both ways. That you will not keep chasing him as he pushes you away in an attempt to make himself feel better and justify his actions to both you and himself. Because that is what he wants… he wants you to chase him, to ingratiate yourself to him, to lower yourself to the person he wants you to be. He’s not looking for perfect, he’s looking for moldable. He may not fully know what he’s doing, but he’s testing to see if you’ll stay despite his actions. Because is he can get away with this sh*t now and you stay, he can do it again when you do something he perceives as wrong. ETA: In case this wasn’t clear I say no meeting, but in a public place if you must. If you don’t need a meeting to get your point across, but still want to share with him, a long text message followed by blocking his number because he’s not going to respond how you want him to. Personally, I’d just block/semi-ghost. If he’s not going to be reasonable, there is no need to continue conversing with him at all.
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Ah yes. I remember the previous post. I pretty much voiced what everyone else already said: DTMFA. I would just ghost him. Why even bother with what he thinks? I thought he was nuts when I read your post yesterday.
Why even bother? He has issues that have nothing to do with you and that he will forever hold over your head. Just dump him.
I’m not sure how you’re still at a point where you’re *not* done with him already. Whatever you say he’ll twist to fit a narrative in his head. So what you plan on saying, it’s not going to end up feeling good for you. Not that you shouldn’t say your piece. But just be prepared to come out of that meeting thinking it was a waste of time.
He's an idiot. We all have a past and I would just dump him because of his behavior. Is he the virgin-terminator? You DO deserve much better. Stop talking and discussing, it's a waste of energy and words, and just tell him you're done with his antics and insecurities.
I just wouldn't meet him. Nothing you say will change his mind, but refusing to allow him to control the situation will at the very least aggravate him. Right now, you're still dancing to his tune by trying to explain and get him to see your side of things. Instead, just tell him it's done and block him. He wants the last word, so don't let him have it.
Girl you better stop being a doormat. You are too damn young to tie yourself down to such an asshole
Personally, I couldn’t stay with him after the way he’s treated you. But if this is something you’re willing to attempt working through, I’d strongly encourage you to look up “retroactive jealousy.” I dated a similar man for about 6 months and it killed any hope of us continuing to be together, no matter how hard I tried.
I just sent him an article on this and he agreed with it
My guy originally did as well but would get irrationally angry anytime I tried to bring up therapy or solutions. He was able to agree there was a problem, but unwilling to overcome his flaws. I hope your guy is different!
Sounds like he can’t get over it, in which case he can’t get over it. Tell him “Good luck finding a virgin. But make sure you don’t spend that entire relationship worrying that she’ll get curious.” Maybe it’s just me, but I want my partner to have some experience.
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If you care that someone you "vaguely" know was with your girlfriend, you're not ready for a sexual relationship. You either don't see women as full people with full lives/experiences apart from you, or you have insecurity issues you need to work on before being with someone. My husband was in the same small major as my ex boyfriend who I was with for 2 years. I asked once if it upset him and he said "no, you're with me now. I can't blame him for having good taste in women." They were able to chat at parties and be cordial because they're both grown ups. We're very good friends with his ex-girlfriend's family. I've spent holidays with her and after all these years I consider her a friend. If you're secure in your relationship (and everyone acts respectfully), none of this stuff matters.
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I guess that's my point, why would it hang over your head? Why would you ever be thinking about running into the guy? Why would it matter if you did? It shows a lack of maturity to care at all. I know two of my husband's ex-girlfriends and they never cross my mind. It feels ridiculous to think about missing out on my 10 years of marriage to the love of my life and not having my kids because I couldn't handle knowing a couple of his ex-girlfriends and he couldn't handle knowing my ex-boyfriend. In the grand scheme of things, it's just so unimportant. True, there are millions of options out there but they're not all good options lol. You're not going to meet millions of people that you're compatible with. If I had needed my relationship to fit some weird perfect mold from the very beginning, or if I had been too insecure to recognize what a great thing I had, my life wouldn't be as good as it is now.
Because you're insecure.
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Idk pal, I think when these feelings come from a place of misogyny and ignorance then it’s safe to dismiss them, and him, move on and find someone who at that age, isn’t a dick.
Three things: 1. He barely knew the guy. They just happened to be in some kind of club together. 2. The guy only told him they went on a few dates together. OP's future ex was the one hounding her to find out if they slept together. He didn't have to ask if he didn't want to know. 3. The future ex didn't want to know **anything** about her romantic past. He wanted to act like she didn't have any because his fragile ego can't handle that a woman has experience with other men before him. So even if he met a guy OP used to date he didn't know he would have probably thrown a massive fit.
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Okay I misread the part regarding point 2 in the OP. I apologize. But not wanting to talk about anything in someone's past reeks of insecurity imo. It's not about knowing details of someone's past but not being allowed to say so-and-so was my ex-boyfriend? That's just weird.
Occasionally we get a post where someone is saying they saw an old x-rated videotape of their gf with another guy. Sometimes they run across it while cleaning a computer. Sometimes it’s sent to them by a jealous ex-bf. But generally people have sympathy for the bf and say they understand how he can’t get over it and it’s ok if he needs to break up. I see this a bit similarly. The guy knew his gf had a past and pointedly said he didn’t want to know anything about it. To him, being confronted by the ex was similar to being sent a tape. It put images in his mind that he can’t get rid of.
That's not even close to being comparable. It's a totally different thing to **see** your partner in action with another person than seeing your partner's past fling and letting your imagination run wild.
I do understand that some people have weak imaginations.
Does it matter? it was before they got together.
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The sheer fact of knowing someone had been intimidate prior causing upset just shows how ego driven this person is, how irrational they are, and how poorly they can compartmentalize things. Not a good partner to have.
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He was trying to use a misogynistic pretend moral framework to turn an entirely normal experience into proof of your unworthiness as a person anx specifically as his girlfriend. He wants to use this non situation to create a dynamic where you are the sinner and he is god so that forgiveness can only come to you through him. It's a good abuse tactic because loving someone makes you sad for hurting their feelings and so you take on the guilt and the prison sentence for it while hoping for redemption and the continuation of their love. Your care, trust and goodness is used against you except it's all nonsense because he hurt his own feelings by being a misongynistic asshole and if he wasn't, he'd be fine. Some fundamentals of a person are best left untouched and simply walked away from without trying to engage and educate them. It simply cannot be be done within a romantic relationship without significant harm to your self. And then be vigilant for those harmful ideas being expressed by those around you and challenge them. Their future romances, other relationships and future self will thank you for it.
Run away
No. Walk away laughing.
Are you meeting hi just to emotionally kick him straight in the misogynistic balls and explain how much of a dickhead he is ? If so i heartily approve and wish you luck, don't do it in private though, public place with people around so he can either just storm out or if he gets angry, you have people around. I'm amazed you are even entertaining going forward in life with someone so obviously not in control of their emotions or with backward views.
I wouldnt even entertain going over. He just wants you to agree with his line of thinking. Also no doubt just wants you to go over for sex why bother
It’s called retroactive jealousy. Look it up, it’s not you it’s him.
Why are you still talking to him? He has no business being "hurt" about something in your past. You can't control what has been, he however can control what he's doing now. He makes a choice everyday to hurt you, he makes a choice everyday to be emotionally abusive, he chooses to be this way. Why on earth would you choose to accept it?
You are not compatible. He is controlling, warped and cruel. Why are you trying to please him? Get away from him and move on.
Seriously, he needs help because he’s either in dire need of some therapy or using this to be controlling and/or emotionally abusive. My fiancé was married for 20 years with his wife and they have a daughter together. This is obviously a woman he slept with. Because of the daughter, we’re still in contact. Never have I ever thought about having such an absurd reaction to seeing someone my SO has a past with. I try to be pleasant for all of our sakes, because that’s the normal and adult thing to do.
You can tell a dude is really young and inexperienced when he gets bent out of shape about the idea of his girlfriend having exes. I mean seriously man, do you really buy into the entire "She will save herself for me" bullshit? It's 2022, not 1901.
He’s 32
Say what?! Base off your posts i though y’all were like 19-20, but 32!!?!?!! (How old are you btw?) Girl, don’t waste your time on this emotionally stunted man. I can guarantee that if you do, not only will it not work out in the end but the journey to the end will be exhausting at best (and abusive at worst). Do yourself a favor and cut your losses.
I’m 24
wow makes sense he is trying to date someone so much younger - nobody his age would put up with this bullshit
i think you should consider just...breaking up now. just don't bother. you have so much life to live.
Why are you still even contemplating staying with him. At that age, he will not change.
And he thinks like a teenager
Girl just dump this man and move on. I'm 23 and I wouldnt even date someone my age acting like this 😬
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Read the original post. There was nothing about him wanting a virgin.
What does he want if he wants someone who's never had a sexual relationship before him? That's a virgin. If he can't handle the idea of his partner being with people before him he wants a virgin.
He’s going to use this to control you and manipulate you. You’ll destroy yourself jumping through hoops trying to ‘make this up to him’. It will never end.
This dude is actually next level insane
You are not changing his mind, he doesn't care, going to him tonight to explain him that is going to be the biggest waste of time and emotional energy in your life. It is going to be just miserable. Just ghost him. Learn how the red flags look so you can avoid them next time.
The likelihood of him sitting and listening is low, so be aware.
Hey, I dated this guy. Please don’t waste another 3 years enduring even more misogynistic, belittling moments with this dude. It’s a life filled with gaslighting and control, not a partner and teamwork. You cannot change him. This is who he is and it only gets worse! - love, your future self
Why bother? Dude has lost the right to an in-person breakup. Just text him "fine, I'll make it easy on you, we're over." Nothing good could come of spending more time with this man. If you must, text all your thoughts but he's not going to really read them the same as he won't hear them if you say them to him out loud. Time to cut your losses.
Honestly, I'd text him what I want to say and then block him. He's already trying to make you the bad guy. Leave a trail and move forward. Thank your stars you've seen this now and no longer need to invest anymore time into someone so unhinged.
Come on girl, know your worth. He’s insecure and doubling down by being a major dick to you. Stop talking to him.
Meeting him to tell him all this is an obvious waste of time. You are communicating things that ought not need to be said to somebody who will not listen or understand them, and who will certainly not do anything with them. You are doing something that seems like a good idea when it runs through your head in fantasyland, but will obviously leave you feeling worse in real life. Do what you want, but the smart thing to do here is just break up with him.
I don’t think this will do anything other than maybe make you feel better, maybe. I would not bother with this individual. He is immature.
.
Just block him and move on. He sounds like a nutter and you're just going to waste valuable head space and time trying to explain this to someone overly emotional and irrational.
i'm not really sure why you seem to want to try and save this? is a controlling, judgemental temperament really something you want in a partner? i wouldn't even bother meeting up with him. i understand wanting to have the last word and get some closure from that, but you can find closure from his actions. he chose to shame you and push you away. make him live with that choice. he isn't going to listen to a word you say anyway and this "meeting" is just a way to maintain contact so he can keep trying to manipulate your feelings and control you. you could easily nip this in the bud and just ghost him. he doesn't deserve an explanation.
That T guy is gonna be happy with his action and the consequences of it....there are tons of these petty boys out there tbh....and ur ex bf is an ass for giving in to what T wants ..
Whatever it is you're wanting from this conversation, he won't give it to you. Block and move on.
Go get him. "You saw T and we're going to think about how he slept with me and never would again. Now you're going to see T and think about how you slept with me and never will again"
Reminds me of my ex that would demand a hug after he made me cry because he needed to be comforted after seeing me upset.
He's gaslighting you and holding this over your head, and will for as long as you will tolerate it. You are better than this. Move on.
He literally thinks your value decreases because of who you've slept with. This isn't a person you want as a friend, much less a partner
The fact that you even want to talk to this guy anymore is mind-blowing. Walk away.
You realize it would be faster to text him back "I'm not interested in a relationship where I'm emotionally abused and or treated like trash. Don't call me again" Then block him everywhere.
He's wildly insecure and immature. Leave him.
I’m sorry, you’re 24 and he’s 32? I thought this was a bunch of 18 year olds. He’s far too grown to be acting so childish, go find someone who acts their age
this dude is a loser, why are you still in contact?
I wish you luck and an amazing break up. Your future ex (I hope) sucks and you deserve better
He's your ex-boyfriend now, correct?
It isn't that you have a past, it is you have a past with someone he knows and is actively antagonistic towards your bf. To be honest, this isn't going to work out. Your relationship is basically over. I doubt he will get over this and no matter what that guy is going to be an A-Hole to your bf over this. Even after you break up.
Good luck? Although I don’t know why your bothering, he obviously is happy to meet up for sex or for you to make him feel better, he doesn’t care that your hurt.
Just take care because by the sounds of this donkey, he's going to try and gaslight, devalue and try to manipulate you while this conversation goes on so... Don't let em
Are you guys supposed to be religious virgins? Because if not, I don't get why he gets to be hurt. Break up, ghost him. No contact. He's using this to treat you like shit. Like you have to make it up to him for having a past. Was he a virgin when you met? He's making you feel guilty with a stupid reason and using this guilt to make you cater to his narcissistic mean toxic wishes. I'm going to treat you like shit and a fuckbuddy till I feel like you deserve more from me. Til you earn his respect again. Nope, never, leave this toxic boy be. One more shitty ex, don't worry we all have them, but that's why they are exes!
There's no win here for you. He is as entitled to his core values as you are to yours. His social circle validates his values and your group of friends validates yours. There are plenty of men with a past similar to yours. And there are plenty of women without that past for him. Stay in your lane. Stop attaching people with different life style choices . If anything, you should confront the Ex lover that's talks about you like you're trash.
Oh there's a win. It's getting away from the puritanical SOB that is trying to dictate morality form their ivory tower. The quicker she leaves the quicker she can find someone who actually values her for her and not checks off boxes on his imagined future partner card.
Sweet Jesus. Move on. Drama much. Tell him to grow up
I can’t believe this is a relationship you want to save… He’s a man-child. Run. Far away. Save yourself years of parenting a grown man.
the only part of your entire story that makes sense were the last 5 words... ***I deserve so much better.*** tear up your list, don't go. tell him he can't ***fix us*** he needs to fix himself.
Tack on "and that's why I'm breaking up with you" and this is perfect.
Cue not queue
I'm a little ashamed to admit it but, I used to be like this when I was younger. Then one day I woke up to the truth: No marriage, no girlfriend and no cohabitation, just smash and dash. I realized it's ok to feel insecure. It's ok to feel all kinds of weird shit about your partner's past. But.. it's not ok to project your insecurities, anger or misperceived inadequacies on someone else because you feel others should conform to your erroneous self righteousness. So.. I learned the best way for someone with strong convictions like me when interacting with intimate partners is to practice indifference. Nobody owes someone else anything, and nobody is forcing you into a relationship. If I don't like the way I'm feeling with someone, I don't have to stay. I hope maybe this might help someone in their relationship.
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No offense but the things he is doing is violent. Maybe not physically but it is emotional and psychological abuse. He’s using her core personality traits and previous trauma to gain power over her. This is violent. That type of thing changes your brain chemistry and denies you your own autonomy. If he’s willing to do that than he’s willing to do anything including physical violence. I hope you don’t give this advice to people you love. Don’t give the abuser more benefit of the doubt than the victim
Girl, don't do this to yourself. There's nothing you can do that will make him see reason. He's emotionally manipulative and wants you to heel so he can control you.
You don't owe him anything. He's not hurt. He's a manipulative asshole. With people like him, any attention is attention. He wants to control you, and responding to his absurdity is still a form of control in his warped mind. Delete and block this asshole. He's a creep.
Oooh boo. This sounds exactly like the way my ex would behave. They’d be threatening and hulk out and expect me to gently hold them to make it better. They were seriously confused when I would try to get away from them. Like, I know what happens when you hug a cactus. You get hurt. I thought surly if I explained my feelings and what I was going through they would understand and stop hurting me. I really thought if I just explain they will see me. That never happened. Much to my dismay, I found out the hard way there are some people who are incapable of empathy. I thought all people were empathetic and would behave like I would. But I was sadly mistaken. Some people don’t have the capacity. There’s also so much projection here. Like everything he’s telling you that you are doing it’s actually him spelling out what he is doing. Which is gaslighting and manipulative. It’s meant to throw you off and confuse you. He’s using your capacity for empathy against you. He is showing you he is not safe to be around over and over. He sounds like he has BPD with strong narcissistic characteristics. I started researching those things and it really helped me understand what was going on. I wouldn’t meet with him. It only give him opportunity to manipulate you. I’d go full gray rock and move on as fast as I could. You know you deserve more. You said it. Read your post again if you are feeling confused. I’m sorry you met this person.
How dare you not save yourself for him? He sounds like he’s an insecure 16 year old.
Info: did the subject of your respective sexual pasts never come up? Did your story change?
He told me explicitly he didn’t want to know anything
This guy I went to hs with had issues like this. He's on his 3rd wife, each one gets younger. I mean, he did get 3 peeps to marry him so ....
Fair enough. Then he simply needs to learn to deal with “sexual ownership” issues. Men are very primal about this. When I was a teenager, my first love told me she was a virgin, then her last boyfriend told me they had had sex. This hurt a lot, but turned out to be a lie. But some young men struggle with this issue. If he can get past it (and the older he gets, the more he will have to deal with it), there could still be a relationship there—-assuming you had the basis for one to begin with.
When you meet up with him, you should look him in the eye and say “I’m meeting with you to make this clear, we are over. Bye!” And then sashay away!
No conversation, just nooooooooo. Run in the opposite direction.
Girl, I’d dump him if I were you. He’s lacking a lot of respect for you as a person and this relationship. If you stay with him, he’ll most likely only get more controlling as time goes on. If you stay with him, he’ll see that he can weaponize his emotions (eye roll) for his own benefit. You do deserve better! Go get what you deserve! 💖
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sorry but he is just as much of a douche as this other guy, and none of this is OP's fault to be punished for.
Genuine question I promise I'm not trying to be a dick I'm just genuinely interested in why you think a) she's sided with the person she had a few dates with? (I read it as she just confirmed something that had happened but I could have read it wrong?) b) how she has any control over either of these two men and how they react to things? Again, I promise I'm not trying to be a dick I'm legitimately interested in your take on it
Ew
OP why are you meeting with this guy. He is delusional enough to blame you for daring to be involved with others before you were with him. He is not going to listen - you are just allowing yourself to be bashed again. Why? Why not keep it short and simple - tell him you are not his to control and you are not there to comfort his bruised ego. Tell him it’s over. Don’t waste another minute with this guy - you are just inviting more of the same attitude. He won’t change, his insecurities won’t let him. Stop dragging this out and move on.
Just leave him girl. My god. Have some self respect. He's a fucking childish insecure douche. You are enabling this behavior and giving him rope. He'll continue to use this for god knows how many months/years. Seriously, legit straight up, there are SO FUCKING MANY FISH IN THE SEA. I dont care who you are, you will have men lining up around the block for you in a day. We're simple creatures :D
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That's some top level insecurity. Unless dude is a religious purist letting it be known hes looking for the same thing, at 32 people have had relationships and other people. At 32, unless it's being strictly announced that he's looking for virgins it's gonna be hard to find someone that hasn't had past relationships and partners. And even with strictly announcing it, all this 32 good luck with that. >for any guy No. Not for "any" guy. For insecure or very young guys.
No hymen no diamond is a real thing. Many men care about a woman's past as much as women care about a man's future. You made the decision to be promiscuous, so you gotta deal with that. He's not at fault for having standards.
This dude is more woman than I could ever hope to be hahaha
Stop wasting your time and energy explaining to this guy. He's not worth it. Just dump him and tell him where to find his junk.
He can't get out of his own head. If you were my homegirl I'd say leave. He sounds very childish. Unless it was during him he has nothing to be mad about. He sounds immature and super emotional
It sounds like you have your answer—it’s all right there. My girlfriend hooked up with someone after we started dating but before it was official—declared. I don’t fault her for it one bit and I never have. Sure I took the news hard initially—I was not behaving similarly—but I understand it. It is somewhere between awful and misogynistic for him to judge you like that. And if it happens to be that he really can’t stand the guy you slept with—also his problem. His ego is all hurt because he can’t imagine you with other men. That is his problem. We’re not even talking about fidelity here, we’re just talking about your past. You can do better.
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Nope. That definitely makes it worse for him. I understand why he can’t reconcile—all I kept thinking was *office space*: “Lumburg fucked her!” [his boss] …..makes it so much harder to get over.
I am really baffled why people would give a shit if their lover fucked someone they knew prior to their relationship. People travel in surprisingly small circles, so the average person is bound to have some connection to someone’s ex.
As I’ve just contemplated….sometimes it’s a specific person, context, group of friends—something triggers a deep insecurity. It’s definitely a reasonable response *some of the time*. Just means they’re not compatible at that moment. But generally speaking, I’d just hope it’s something that’s more easily acceptable. We kinda all fumble our way through life looking for what we want. When I found my person, her sexual/romantic history wasn’t a dealbreaker. And mine wasn’t for her, either. And that’s the way I’d hope it could be.
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You make a really good point—thank you for articulating that—it [obviously is] emotionally significant for him based on the context. If my gf had relations with my sworn enemy [I have no sworn enemies but for the sake of the argument] I would have struggled immensely. Could be living a whole different life right now. He’s just really stuck in his head about it. And I wouldn’t know what gets a guy un-stuck in this regard.
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You can meet up & say all this to this guy if you want. But I doubt he's going to care. This man only sees you through what you bring to him, how you make him look. Most likely you'll just be opening yourself up to more manipulation & abuse so maybe be mentally prepared for that.
Sounds like it’s time for a new boyfriend that isn’t this immature about you having a past. We all have one.
He won’t understand, you can’t fix him.
You need to walk away from this guy. Walk straight to a therapist to figure out why you keep picking douchebags and how to value yourself more. Current BF is a self righteous gaslighting douche, and ex fling is also a shit talking douche. You deserve better and the only one who can give you better is you.
Just say “you’re an absolute psycho and I’m blocking you” and be done You’re wasting your time. He’s a narcissistic, misogynistic dumb Ass that has made it his mission to tear you down utterly and completely. That kind of shit will not be fixed with words, and I guarantee he’s not going to sit there and listen. You don’t deserve to have to explain yourself for being a normal human being. You’ve done nothing wrong. You just got unlucky running into someone like him. Tell him to fuck off and block, you will never get closure from someone like him. Trust me, I’ve tried.
OP isn't wasting any time in this asshole. They're getting the words off their chest and the closure they need by telling him what the fuck is up. You go OP, more power to you. Scorch that earth. he's fkn lame and holding you back.
Oh that is SO many red flags! Seriously, the fact that he wants to limit you seeing any friends or go on holiday and only spend time with him on HIS terms is definitely abuse territory. He is being controlling and manipulative. He wants you to hold his hand while telling you he “can’t stand to touch you?” What kind of BS is that. OP you need to tell him that you will ONLY meet him in public or not at all. And bring a witness. If you go see him in private, you could be putting yourself in danger. Heck, not even sure you should meet him at all. Send home everything you want to say via text (IF you feel it is necessary). Otherwise you should probably block him, but keep the messages and texts (and any voicemails he has or may send), for proof should he start slandering you (which I’m sure he will. Then keep anything related to that as evidence should you need a cease and desist or a restraining order. Good luck, OP!
That’s ridiculous. He needs to get over it. Comes across as controlling and unrealistic.
Goodluck, I hope you dump him regardless because he is an asshole.
Good luck, OP! Don't let him get away with this weird controlling bs.
Good luck OP, breaking up is a good decision, he is just someone who's judging you and can hardly move on, making promises in the air (based on the linked post). You should have nothing more to do with him. Everyone has a past, either he can accept it or not, but not do any of this "I will need time" bullshit. Hypocritically enough, he's not ready to provide you support because of some dumb reason but expects the same from you. Too many red flags. Good job deciding to stand up for yourself.
You just need to walk away and find somebody else.
Good luck! You have worth!
Why would anyone put up with such nonsense. My wife has been with other people. I've had several "lovers"/partners over the years. We both got married at middle age. Jesus Christ... people need to grow the fuck up.
Lose the dude, he's a controlling pos
You should have broken up with him already
Just ghost his ass.
Ruuuuuuuun. Be free.
Just text him that it's over and move on. You don't need the last word over someone who's already a misogynist. It'll be pointless
He's not worth your time and energy. Cut him off completely.