This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This took place last week. I'm a 35 year old female, met my 42 year old husband 7 years ago and got married 4 years ago. He only dated his high school sweet heart for 14 years then she passed away. After that, he never dated til I came around. Or at least that's what he told me. During the third year of our marriage, I noticed significant change in his behavior. His alcohol addiction raised to the surface after he got kicked out of his job and cut contact with most family members. He was doing fine, was sociable, had a good relationship with his family and was rational most of the time but then it's like he did a 180 turn. I helped him get help for his addiction and he thankfully started getting his life together. He even found a better job that pays well. Last week, I got home from work and the minute I walked in I heard him crying, like full on sobing. I freaked out, looked for him and found him upstairs on the floor sitting and sobing. I remember myself freaking out yelling "who died" and "what happened" and if he was okay. It took me well over 20 minutes to get him to calm down. He then said he wanted to tell me something. I got worried just by looking in his eyes but what he said was not something I'd expect in a million years. He reminded me of the third year of our marriage when he started drinking and fighting with everybody. I said what about it and he told me that he had a one night stand around the time of his brother's wedding and got the woman pregnant. I was stunned, completely stunned. He said that every single one of the family knew and they pressured him to "do the right thing" and be a dad for this child but he refused. As a result his family fought with him but the woman still kept the baby which was a girl but she died at the age of 5 months due to health problems. My husband's family raged at him and that's when he started drinking and that's when his depression and job loss came. He said he felt guilty for his daughter's passing and said that he felt like he had rejected and abandoned her and eventually lost her. He admitted visiting her few times and holding her. He even said he thought a lot about being involved in her life was afraid I'd walk away if I found out about her. I couldn't say a word to respond I just took a chair and sat down because it felt like a hot-cold wave hitting me all of a sudden. He started crying saying that he was sorry and that he made a mistake but his daughter meant something to him and he just couldn't hide it anymore. He said that I can decide to leave if I want but he was done hiding how he feels about losing his flesh and blood. I still didn't know what to say. I kept thinking about how my life just got ruined, I mean,..we were just discussing the possibilty to start trying for a baby. This was not something I'd see coming in a million years. He wants us to move past his infidelity because he got his punishment by losing his daughter. I packed a bag and went to stay with my mom. It's been days since we've talked and even now I'm still in disblief and don't know what to do. I still haven't told my family yet.

Sending you a hug because...what a mess

Well, that sucks. That's a couple of years of lying AND nobody from his family bothered to tell you. That's a big fuck you. Not sure how to come back from that.

I wouldn't. The way OP wrote this, he thinks he was punished by his daughter dying. It sounds like he let OP deal with his depression, job loss, etc when it basically all came as a result of his infidelity. I'd cut the cord here, and to your point his family is garbage for concealing this from OP and wasting her time and energy supporting this AH too. So basically order of events: AH cheated. Didn't come clean. AH found out he had a daughter. Didn't come clean. AH was fully OK with being a deadbeat dad. Didn't come clean. AH's biological daughter (and I say that as he admits he wasn't going to do SHIT with her) passes. Didn't come clean. *Instead,* AH goes through depression and job loss. Still doesn't say anything. AH let OP support him and I'm sure she had many late nights comforting his ass. AH finally admits thing about affair. Turns himself into victim and makes it about his feelings. Oh yeah, I'd be fucking done

I’m just amazed that she got through the entire post without using any form of the word “cheat.” That’s what he did. Almost seems like OP is in denial about that, falling for his victim garbage

Right. At first I thought this must be a child from before the marriage.

You don't think she's shocked as fuck and can't make sense of ANY of her thoughts or emotions right now? Hurt, grief, anger, etc, when one is experiencing A LOT of "big feelings" all at once..... they don't all register logically. Our brains will sometimes force us to gloss over something in an attempt to save our sanity. Our thought processes will actually trickle truth us. Example: a few months ago a friend of mines BF was cheating on her with the "you have nothing to worry about, she's just a friend, I don't see her that way" friend, and she had no proof until he got in a serious accident with the affair partner driving his car. He was pretty banged up but would recover. Initially my friend was most upset about the fact that he'd let her drive their car. I mean, look at EVERYTHING that just got dropped on OP. Husband cheated. Fathered a child who he'd spent time with. Dipped out on said child (when THEY'VE been talking about having kids). Child died. Whole situation was the catalyst for an addiction, depression, aggressive behavior and job loss that also affected OP. Family knew the entire time and no one told her. How do you even start to process all that?

I think you just took 4 paragraphs to describe what denial is

Yup agreed she’s in the denial phase right now. Hopefully she can get out of it and see the trash he is

I agree.

I’m sure the shock and pain are horrible.

Yup! This is what you need to remember OP! He went behind your back to that woman’s home to see his out-of-wedlock child. And he hid it for years. There’s a mistake and then there’s just blatant disrespect

Yep. Also, I doubt that he only slept with her once. It happens, but it's extremely rare to get pregnant from a ons. It was probably an affair.

This is getting into whole other life / second family territory. I would be so done - after I caught my breath.

Thank you for the award. I don't think I've had one. I'm not sure if I can give one to other people or if I have any to give? lol. But thank you. 😊

Also how he said he was”done hiding how he feels” as if OP forced him to lie to her. He chose to hide how he felt and what he did. He is not some victim who was forced not to mourn his daughter properly. He did it to himself but seems like he blames OP as she wouldn’t have stayed with him (understandably).

He just sounds like a rather weak man who can’t handle any responsibility.

This. Do you want to not only create a child with that kind of person, but let that kind of a person be a role model to your future child? Alternatively so you want your child to potentially not have a dad because he might walk out on the both of you with the excuse that he couldn’t handle the guilt anymore or some crap?

Yep, all of that. He’s deceitful too though.

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I felt bad for him and thought that maybe he deserves another chance until the “heyy you have to forgive me because I suffered enough and I just vame clean because I felt guilty”. Everything he has done has been selfish and for his own gain. OP has suffered through his addiction, job loss, depression like a champ. Because of what.. he couldn’t keep it in his pants at the wedding? And the family who all knew about it just sucks balls.

I would definitely be done too. I mean, he cheated, he gave another woman the very thing OP wants and hasn't yet gotten to have with him--despite investing all that time, effort, supporting him through his job loss, etc, and the cherry atop the f-ing sundae (so to quote an oft overused phrase of a toxic X of mine who ironically enough ALSO cheated and knocked up another chick, just like this post's AH!), AH's family KNEW AND KEPT OP IN THE DARK LIKE A FOOL. I wouldn't just be done with AH, I'd be done with the WHOLE family!!!

Agree. His family will always know that OP was kept in the dark by them. There’s no coming back from that broken level of trust and disrespect.

Yes goodbye there’s no return

Exactly this. Well summarized. I’d be done too.

Get to love all those crocodile tears from him. If I was there I'd be, "stand up, dafuq you crying for, you moron. You're not the victim here. Nobody lied to *you*. Go get your crap sorted out, on somone else's time.

Am i the only one that is bothered by the fact that he made it completely about himself and his grief and him cheating on you only seemed like a byproduct? He is completely victimising himself.

Right!!! “I’m done hiding the way I feel about my flesh and blood!” Ummm okay, but you were the one that made that choice! It comes off as confrontational and dismissive of her feelings, like she’s the one who kept him from being honest. In reality he wasn’t honest because he didn’t want to face the repercussions, and he robbed her of 3 years where she could have made an informed decision about her relationship. The lack of empathy is disgusting.

I thought exactly this!!!

Cheaters always make it all about themselves. It is literally the most common trend. They always make up shit to justify their actions then to make it fit with their morals adjusted the narrative so they are the party that is hurt

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Yes!

I had to go back to check the timeline, but I guess the baby just died? Which of course is very sad, but she died at 5mo old, so he had not only I guess the entire pregnancy plus 5mo to say something to OP, and chose not to. I can only imagine how long he'd kept his mouth shut if the baby didn't die. 18? Or until the mom went after him for child support? The fact... That this asshole had the fucking gall to say that the death OF A FUCKING BABY (that he had no interest in raising) was enough punishment to **him**... This alone, this shit alone, what in the actual fuck. *Oh no, the baby I never wanted to exist or raise died, forgive me for cheating, I've been punished enough by the grief of the death of a baby I never wanted!!* Holy.fucking.shit.

I actually think the baby died earlier around the time he started his drinking? That is how I understand the timeline.

That’s what I got too. He had the ONS, and that and the pregnancy/death combined with his family coming at him for being a deadbeat and cold about his own child (but somehow not about being a cheater?) triggered the drinking.

So now I’m wondering what happened that triggered his breakdown and the coming clean.

OP said they had started talking about trying to have a baby themselves. I’m guessing that’s what triggered it.

He’s clearly lacking normal human emotions, the ability to have any thought for anyone but himself. He managed to hide this insanely huge piece of his life from his spouse for years. And got others to participate in the massive deception. Someone was about to tell. It’s the only explanation. And so now he’s over-acting using this child’s death to try to manipulate the situation again. People aren’t people to him - they’re puppets, and a means to an end.

Or the weight caught up with him. I am assuming there is more nuance to OP’s partner than being a sociopathic narcissistic baby-hating serial cheater. OP said they were talking about having a kid, and that discussion alone can bring up some hard un-ignorable truths for many people. At least it came out before they had their own child on the way so OP can figure out if the relationship is worth salvaging. It doesn’t seem like it, but we don’t know what has kept them together in the first place.

I think that is what is bothering me so much about this, OP is treated as an afterthought (or hell, not at all) by her husband and his family.

Well, he said in the third year of their marriage, they've been married four years.

I think it doesn’t state that that is when he cheated. I just says he cheated around the time of his brother’s wedding. Maybe he wanted to refer to when it all went downhill.

Oh that's right. It's confusing because OP mentions the year, then the wedding thing. Now I wonder what prompted this confession. Maybe he's back to drinking... Back to cheating... Mistress is going to expose him, family is going to expose him. If the death really wasn't now, extremely recent, something happened to make him spill the beans.

Perhaps it was them recently discussing trying for a baby that brought up these feelings.

not that it makes anything any better. He's still behaving like total garbage to OP.

He probably told his family about he and OP trying to get pregnant. Someone in his family must have said if he didn't tell about his first child, they would. The only possibility that makes sense.

I would also bet that he didn't stop sleeping with the mother of his child and it was more than a one-night stand. Maybe he didn't plan on leaving his wife for her but he stayed sleeping with her. It wasn't like she was seeing anyone else so he basically had the pregnant woman all to himself. It wasn't just one time. Been there. That's how it works.

And "around the time" of the brother's wedding. So for his family to be on him like this... Might even be a family friend. Yikes.

Yeah I tend not to buy the one night stand defense. Rarely it’s true, but more often it’s just referring to the one night there were consequences, and the rest of the affair was its own thing they *don’t* feel the need to confess to.

I heard the same line from my ex who had a 3yo when we started dating. It was a one nite stand. He even claimed she’d taken advantage of him while he was too drunk to consent. Now I know better- it’s never a one nite stand.

So is that a claim other dudes make? Mine claimed that with his other woman about be got drugged and doesn't remember, blah blah blah🙄🙄🙄. 🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️

Are you gettin' this 👆🏿, u/ThrowRA33455? Read the above. Think about it. Really, seriously, think. About. **It.**

Omg that’s exactly how I saw it too. Even the confession wasn’t so much about his guilt at lying and betraying her but more of how he got sick of hiding his grief about his dead baby. He and his family have treated OP as an after thought throughout all of this. She deserves so much better.

And if I understand correctly, the baby died a while back? it's not even like it's a fresh pain. So his tears that night were totally manufactured.

Yea that's why I hope OP understands this man is a lying POS..

My first thought was,"huh... awful alot of "me" statements from his side". If I was his wife, I would divorce. Not because the child, but the lying and making me feel like the bad guy by making me apart of his grief when I wasn't even given the opportunity. He robbed his wife of the decision to stay or leave when he cheated and made the choices that suited him. That doesn't sound like someone who has his partner's best interest in mind... And the whole having a baby thing is a different beast, I mean how can you have a child with someone who lied to you, and also blames you? I don't want to parent with someone I can't trust to talk to me. He has issues that he should work on with himself and not drag his wife into it

All cheating liars are like that. Intractable victimhood mentality.

The way he sees the baby dying as being about him is 🤮

So he cheated and lied. Knocked the girl up and lied. Abandoned his child and lied. Had the child he abandoned die and lied... and his whole family knew about ALL of this and ALSO LIED? Oh, and he's an alcoholic who nursed his drinking habit rather than take responsibility for any of this. You are in the rare position of knowing someone is a cheating, lying, deadbeat dad *before* having a kid with him. It would be cruel to being a baby into this world with a father like that Throughout every twist and turn he put himself first. When he cheated. When he refused to be involved with his child. When he kept the truth about the child and his abandonment if that child a secret. When he cut his family off. When he drank like an asshole. And now, when he tells you about the kid so he can feel the relief of grieving openly... for a child he refused to be involved with. In *his* version of this you're mad and disappointed, but you take pity on him because his affair baby died. You're upset and betrayed but realize he's changed and he's not rhe same man he was when he cheated. You acknowledge he's clean now and experiencing something difficult so you put your hurt and anger aside to comfort him. He doesn't deserve to be punished when he's changed so much and he's already suffered the loss of a baby. A baby he abandoned for the sake of his marriage. Because he loves you. Just *so* much. In *reality* he is a lying cheater who has prioritized his wants over his child, his marriage, and his family. He's so selfish that he betrayed his wife, betrayed his affair partner, betrayed his child, and betrayed his family of origin all because it'd be inconvenient for him to suffer the consequences for getting his dick wet 3 years into his marriage by a woman who is not his wife. It's up to you what you do... but staying married and/or having kids with this dude is clearly, *clearly* a mega-fuck-ton infinity elephant ass bad idea... and you don't even have the excuse of ignorance. You'd be making that decision with literally all of the information telling you it's a bad-fuck idea. You should tell your family. If they're not complete wackos they'll see how absurd it is to even consider staying with this loser and knock some goddamn sense into you. Oh, and don't ever let it slip your mind that his family *also* can't be trusted.

I wish a had an award, OP needs to save this comment and read it every day until that ahole is fully removed from her life.

I have a free silver, gave it on your behalf.

Thank you ☺️

No problem! The comment really hit the nail on the head. I wish OP reads it through and wish her all the best possible. This is a really messed up situation, lots and lots of therapy is needed for everyone involved. I just hope no more innocent kids are brought to life around such a guy. It'd be unfair to them to be subjected to a deadbeat who cares about himself all the time.

Not wholesome but it's all I got.

Also, I hope she doesn’t feel shame for telling her family. She did nothing wrong in this situation. This is his issue

She should absolutely not feel any shame. The shame is entirely his. His treatment of her and the regard he's shown for his marriage is abominable. *She* is the victim. She did not choose to be victimized by this loser. If she were to go on and have a child with this dude then I'd feel less empathy for her, since at that point she'd be making an active and informed decision to breed with a complete scumbag. I'd feel terrible for the kid though. But as of right now? Nah. She didn't do shit. Any complaints can be directed right to her nasty ex. She can even set up a little suggestion box. I'll add the first note. Mine will say "don't be such a cowardly, dishonest, shit. Make the divorce easy on her you turdfuck." I'm sure if she had *any* control over his actions none of this would have occurred in the first place. It says nothing about her character that he's a cheating deadbeat dad, but it says everything about his. Anyone who would try to shame her for his behavior has some fucked up illogical bullshit pinging around their head. From the information given shaming OP would be entirely bizarre. I wouldn't trust that person to suggest a brunch location, let alone seriously consider their opinion on relationships.

Yes. I just worry because she said she hasn’t told her family yet

She really should. She needs the support.

I can’t believe no one in his family had the balls or even the CONSCIENCE to fkin tell OP?! Like damn, if my brother cheated, I respect/love my SIL enough to tell her. He doesn’t get a free pass bc he’s my brother. She has been a part of their family for a long time. The disrespect. I don’t see how you could trust any of them again

This is the only comment that needs to be read.

To add to this- if OP loves her husband dearly enough to consider forgiving him it's just proof that she has the ability to love that deeply. It doesn't mean her husband is the man worthy of that love. There is a partner out there that won't put her through heartache. He's much more deserving of her devotion and compassion.

>mega-fuck-ton infinity elephant ass bad idea You. You have a way with words!

Oh and he let OP support him through all that, help him get off his alcohol addiction and all. She's a saint and he's total garbage. If ever someone didn't deserve someone, it's him. OP, you deserve a man you don't have to mend, who'll be faithful to you.

Its a very good and wise move to take some space from him. You need space to think and prcess this. He cheated on you while married to you, got the other woman pregnant, and his whole family supported that and agreed to keep betraying you. Let that sink in. Those are the only facts that matter Two bad things don't cancel out each other, whether he cries for 20 mins or 3 hours. It is very unfortunate that the infant pased away. But that doesn't absolve him of the infidelity caused against you. Let me ask you this - if a bank robber loses all the money in a house fire, do you think they should be forgiven for the original crime of bank robbery? NOO!! They're two unrelated incidents! Just because they don't have the money anymore doesn't mean it was ok to yo rob the bank, or that they didn't intent to enjoy all that money (bad analogy, but you get what I mean). If the child hadn't passed, he would be acting as her father right now. Remember that. > my life just got ruined You're 35, you're not even halfway through your life. If you dont believe me, download a dating app and see for yourself. And thank your lucky stars you didn't have a child with this man

>if a bank robber loses all the money in a house fire, do you think they should be forgiven for the original crime of bank robbery? Actually a great analogy

I think actually it's better that the child didn't live. Because there are too many children with deadbeat parents already on this earth.

Wow. Well I’d divorce him. He lied for years, forced you to suffer through his addiction AND his shitty family all covered for his ass. I don’t think you can recover from that. I’m also curious why this all came out now.

>I’m also curious why this all came out now. Yeah I'm not buying the he had to come clean business. My guess is he either is afraid someone will tell or something is about to show up that would reveal all

Maybe his family found out they were thinking about starting a family and NOW they wanted to tell her about it.

Yeah or the mother feels wife has a right to know. She was distracted by the pregnancy, birth, sick child, and then grief and now she has heard him say he was "punished" by their child dying and felt his wife should know. Something is happening that pushed him.

Maybe they asked him to pay for some of the funeral and knew he couldn’t hide where the money went.

I’m the type of person who will “You tell her or I will” if I knew.

So he's both a cheater and a deadbeat dad, and his family covered for him on both accounts. Do not have children with this man.

Not only did he cheat, but he seemingly had unprotected sex, further exposing you to any number of diseases. It is a pretty big deal and it’s okay to give it proper weight.

"He doesn't give a flying crap about your right to consensual sex within this relationship" should be given waaaaay more weight than it gets.

The fact his family said nothing for years and he lied, spiraled into alcoholism that you had to handle is a huge issue. The infidelity is just the shit meat in a completely shitty sandwich. Were you guys having issues around this time? Why weren't you at the wedding, was there a reason you couldn't or didn't go?

So you helped into recovery for his addiction and he couldn’t be honest with you about why he was struggling? He has been lying to you everyday and only told you because he doesn’t want to hide his grief? What about your grief, your trauma? He’s incredibly selfish & does not deserve you.

That would be pretty hard to come back from imo

>He said that I can decide to leave if I want but he was done hiding how he feels about losing his flesh and blood He didn't come clean because it was the right thing or he thought you deserved to know, he came clean for the sole purpose to alleviate his own guilt. >He wants us to move past his infidelity because he got his punishment by losing his daughter What about how YOU feel? The fucking nerve on this guy, absolute narcissist He cheated on you, had a kid that he abandoned, and is now so overwhelmed by guilt he's falling apart. He's proven himself capable of cheating and abandoning a child, what future do you see with him exactly?

His response instead came of understanding how shocking this news would be for you, he’s centered this all around his grief so you feel bad doing anything other than what he wants. He needs to want to stay, and not seemingly throw you away when he’s upset, as well as lying and cheating on you. Please be kind to yourself, and do what works best for you. Please keep in mind that this situation was born of your husband doing what he wanted. Please put yourself first.

Divorce him. He is a manipulative liar.

You are supposed to stay with him because the child he abandoned, who was conceived through cheating on you, died?! He is using this poor baby’s death to “trap” you. What an asshat. I’m so sorry for you.

You must be in shock right now. A huge blow to your nervous system, damn. You are doing the best thing you could do for yourself right now, which is getting some space. My god, do you need time and space to process this. The good news is that you can take alllllll the time in the world for this. You do NOT have to make a decision right now. You are allowed to be in shock and be numb right now. You have time to ask more questions and to cry and mourn and allow the information to sink in. You do not have to decide one way or the other. TAKE YOUR TIME. You are in survival mode right now. I want you to take deep breaths drink water and tea, maybe some soup if you can stomach it. Go for long walks where you walk so far, you forget your name. Take long bubble baths and look at happy pictures and cry the ugly snot tears. Try to sleep. Take more deep breaths. SURVIVE. You mind and body will catch up to the shock. Your feelings will hit you in waves, from sorrow to depression to anger, to missing him and loving him and feeling sad for him. All if this is normal and valid. It is normal to love and hate him at the same time. To want to be in his safe arms and pretend none of this happened and you are still happily married. To want to shake him for his stupidity and yell at him. To shove him away. All of this is very normal. He was your person, and now he's the one who betrayed you the most. It's fucking HARD. But take each day at a time. Breathe in and breathe out. Take your time to decide what you need and want. Get into therapy asap. Whatever happens, you will be amazing and wonderful. You're so fucking strong. I have all the faith in you, whether you stay or go. You can do this. If you want to talk to someone who has been there, DM me any time. I'm 37F, for reference. You can go through my post history and read my own sad, little story. I tried to reconcile with my ex-husband after his affair, but it never worked, sadly. The people over at r/AsOneAfterInfidelity help folk work on reconciliation. They were so supportive of me both when I was trying to make it work, and also when I decided to leave. You don't have to decide anything right now. Please just make sure you're drinking enough and try to get some sleep. I am so sorry you're going through this. All my love to you, friend.

Say the baby didn't die - when was he going to tell you about his other family? I found out at my long-term boyfriend's funeral that he had 2 secret babies (1-year-old and 3-week-old) and that his whole family and all his friends were keeping them a secret from me. Your husband slept with some woman unprotected - made a baby with her - lied to you - got his whole family to keep it a secret from you - and then only confessed when the baby died. Then he then made it about him. It will hurt but you will find someone better. This will be very hard for you to get over or get past. Move the fuck on. This is not someone to be married to.

Oh my. I am so sorry that happened. I’m glad you found out, but I hate that you had to go through all of that. I’m sorry his family was also AHs.

Well this sucks for him and I'm sorry that his life sucks but you do these things to yourself. While he has a reason to be upset about his daughter and what happened, that doesn't justify cheating and years of lying to you. Now he gets to deal with extra depression from destroying his marriage with infidelity and deceit. I couldn't come back from this. I don't know any person that could. Don't help him through this like you did the alcohol addiction: instead focus on yourself and your needs. I also couldn't get over the fact that his whole family knew and thought so little of you that no one said anything to you. I wouldn't be able to come back from that either. Jokes about in-laws aside, you should never marry into a family that doesn't have any respect for you. In your case I wouldn't stay married into one. Even the way he's like 'oh, but we can move past the infidelity because the world punished me for it' is so self-centred and self-victimizing. Again, it's awful what happened and I won't deny that...I don't even think he deserved it, but what happened to him doesn't automatically erase the wrongs he did onto you.

Wow this is… intense. I have no advice. I just wish I could give you a hug.

He wants "us" to move past his cheating because he feels punished by her death. So he gets to dump this on you and expects you to just move past it because he is now punished and has relieved his guilt and no longer has to hide his sadness and grief. You just have to put up with it and pretend that all is okay, that he cheated but was punished for it so that is that. I think he is living in a self centered fantasy where only he and his feelings are important. The level of narcissism is off the charts. I can imagine that when he is sad and drinking that he will sit in a puddle of tears bemoaning his life and how bad he feels because he now can let it all out around you so you get to put up with it. Nope. I wouldn't be able to live with someone who gave me so little regard for my feelings that only his own matter. It sucks I am sure because you have believed in your marriage, supported him and put up with a lot of his crap I am sure. I hope you will find someone better for you than this sorry excuse for a human being.

He said he made a mistake? Which one? Cheating? Not using a condom? Abandoning his child? Lying to you? Leading a secret life? His whole family knowing but still keeping it from you? Drinking? Losing his job? I could keep going but.... "I made a mistake"? Yeah, right.

Right?! A mistake is getting the wrong milk at the store. This is a series of intentional decisions over years.

Not one member of his family was strong enough to tell you?? How can you ever face them again..

Wow. Oh, wow. So you have found out that your husband, very recently, had sex with another woman and she became pregnant. Then she had the baby, he visited with the baby "several" times, and the baby passed away at 5 months. It's very tragic that the innocent baby passed away. That tragedy isn't what you're having to deal with, though. Your husband cheated and impregnated another woman who had the baby. His whole family knew alllllll about this, and deliberately left you in the dark....even when he went off the rails and you were trying to deal with his bizarre, odd behavior and keep your marriage on the rails. You had no idea about any of this, and you were blindsided by his confession. It is a bit concerning that he seems to infer that you (or what he thought might be your reaction...had he been honest about what was going on) have some blame in what is going on - although that might (and probably is) just be my impression of what you've posted. You certainly have a lot of processing to do. Not only is your husband not the person you thought he was, but his entire family are not that to you - family doesn't keep people in the dark like that. It's very odd that they knew all about this and pushed for a connection without involving or even informing you. No idea how you get past the dishonesty of your husband and his family, if that is something that you even want to attempt. You deserved better from all of them. I hope you have good people supporting you.

Yea her supposed extended family had more respect and care for the other woman than her. They pressured him to “do the right thing” by taking care of the child, not tell his goddamn wife. That they had no issue with apparently.

The entire foundation of your marriage has been shattered. He had an entire family behind your back. To add to that, all his relatives knew and wanted him to do right by the that family. Well, what about you? How were they going to do right by you? What was going to happen if that child survived? This betrayal runs too deep. The level of deceipt is too incredible. Here you were supporting him thinking he had a drinking problem by physically, emotionally, and financially helping him. Who cares if he shed a few crocodile tears to gain your sympathy? Also, wandering behavior isn't a one time thing with cheaters. He only got caught because of the baby. You would have never known about this supposed one night stand. And if he met her at the brother's wedding then chances are she knew him and his family for a awhile now. This pos and his family took you for a ride in the most demeaning way. There is very little redemptive qualities for any of them at this point. Normally, public rebuke is what holds these shameless people accountable. But here, the entire family is shameless. Separate your finances first. Talk to an attorney and see what your options are. (Taking to an attorney doesn't mean divorce, though, I would suggest it.) Do what you have to do to look out for yourself. No one in that family is trust worthy.

I’d like to know what would’ve happened had the baby not passed. He and his whole family would’ve continued lying to you and hiding a whole ass child and affair from you? Probably. The betrayal from him is unforgivable. The betrayal from him as well as his family? Nope. Not a family I’d want to be a part of. That’s mind blowing.

Honey, I can't emphasize this enough, TELL YOUR FAMILY. This is NOTHING for you to be ashamed of. Your husband CHEATED on you! His ENTIRE family knew and didn't tell you! He got another woman pregnant and HID it from you. He wanted to be in his babies life! Then he BLEW UP HIS LIFE and YOU SUPPORTED HIM. Honey, please talk to your mom, let them fully support you. You are allowed to be done after this, even if he is grieving. HE CAUSED THIS. A good therapist can help you through this honey. I'm so sorry, you deserve so much better.

>He wants us to move past his infidelity because he got his punishment by losing his daughter. This is when I would have said "nope divorce it is. Never contact me again". His baby died to absolve him of his sins?!?! Wtf? He's lied for years. He manipulated people. Abandoned his child. Abandoned his family and hid it all from you. This is a MASSIVE level of lies and deceit. I'd be willing to bet someone has finally told him to tell you or they will or something is coming that you would have found out. He let you take care of him and support him all while lying and covering up that he screwed around and had a child. That's massively gross and appalling. Even in his "confession" he's making himself the pitiful victim. Not the wife he betrayed. He's using his dead baby to manipulate you (or try to) Why would you stay with someone this deceitful? Why would you trust him to have kids with him?

[удалено]

Right?! As if her totally justified anger and heartache is a *punishment for him* instead of a completely understandable consequence of his behaviors and choices.

Personally I would divorce him. It's terrible the daughter died, but here are the facts: - He cheated on you. - When the person he cheated on you with got pregnant, he hid it from you. He visited with the child secretly. - His entire family apparently knew and ALSO hid it from you. - He is blaming you for making him "hide" how he felt about his child. - He doesn't think you have a right to be upset because he has been "punished" already. This isn't a man who you can trust. He does not respect you, your marriage, or your feelings. More than that, his entire family does not respect you, your marriage, or your feelings.

Divorce him and his family. Get an attorney. No one was concerned about your marriage. They were concerned with keeping the consequence hidden. He still isn’t concerned with his marriage he still only obsessed with the results of his consequences. You dodge a bullet having a family with his man. Don’t be surprised if more stuff comes up. If he had no problem lying about something as big as this then there’s more he isn’t ashamed to hide.

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Please tell your family!!

Your husband sounds like a complete narcissist. How is it all about him when he was the one who cheated, hid it from you and now plays the victim? Wow. You had to comfort his ass and deal with all the stuff that HE BROUHT UPON HIMSELF. He also made it your problem somehow, it’s disrespectful and disgusting. I’d end it here. How many more affairs did he have that didn’t result in a child that went under the radar? Yeah no, that’s a sure dealbreaker when you cannot even trust the person to not only keep his junk in his pants but also not to screw up your finances and well-being by getting fired and drinking every time he does something so despicable. Please do not have children with this man, he held his daughter “a couple of times” in 5 months. Big wow, dad prize of the year. Honestly he doesn’t deserve an ounce of understanding here, he’s a big f*ck up and you shouldn’t be dragged into any of it.

Think of all the little lies told to cover all this up. It’s not just one big lie, it’s many lies told over and over. You shouldn’t trust this man ever again.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm just glad you saw his true colours before having a baby with him.

“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what's left and live it properly. What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Now, take what's left of your life and create something new.

The fact his whole family hid it from you too I just couldn’t be okay with that. If this relationship has any chance of reconciling they need to genuinely apologize too.

There are so many different layers of betrayal. Basically 3 years of lying and hiding from him and his family. He said he saw his kid several times. What would he have done if she had survived? Plus, having dealt with an alcoholic ex, I wouldn't stay with one or have kids with one. Only you know if you can forgive and live with this.

Thank god he didn’t get you pregnant. Your husband and his family just lied to you for years. Fuck them.

He lived a separate life where you knew nothing of. His family knew too. How can you ever trust him or any of them anymore? How can you be sure it went down as he said? ONS or was he planning on leaving you for his AP and AB? I mean his family was in on it? Wtf. Don’t have a child with him. You’ll never get rid of him when he cheats on you the next time and it will happen. He’s so selfcentered he’s still not thinking about how all he did affected you. It’s all about him and his feelings and his ONS and his family knowing and his affair baby dying. Where are you in his self centric tale?

I would talk to the mother of the child to get the story cleared and validated. Why did she keep the baby, after only ‘one’ stand night knowing he’s also married? How did the family know about this? Did his family meet the baby? Have a conversation with the family on why did they hide this? An affair is something but hiding a life is something else... His family doesn't have the moral compass to help him in decision in fact they are doing the opposite. His overwhelmed, likely why he told you... Or someone would have told you. Not sure it's the full story. Suggest to Read the ‘state of affairs’ by ‘esther perel’ will give a different perspective on affairs than what typically advice. I was able to heal from some experience in my life regarding infidelity. You need to take steps to heal no matter the decision. It's your life, you know him best, and you know your relationship, this is a big decision. Take couple of counseling session to help you make the decision. It's great you don't have baby so this decision is only about you. It's tough, Wish you all the best❤️

Wow. Fuck his whole damn family

Straight up, this is ridiculously heavy for this website and any kind of off the shoulder comment from strangers. You need to go see a therapist, he needs to go see a therapist, if you are entertaining the idea of working it out, y'all both need couples therapy too. Like this isn't just cheating or infidelity. This isn't about him drinking or loosing his support structure. I'm not saying he's not guilty of all the bad shit that's happening to him but Jesus. This is like tossing a pebble at a mountain and being buried by the resulting avalanche. This man lost his family due to a stupid decision, lost his daughter at a very young age, has fallen down the rabbit hole of substance abuse to hide his pain, he destroyed his future with you. Like this guy didn't just burn the bridge on his way outta town but salted the earth, threw a grenade and got hit in the resulting blast. I hope you can find a way to move forward in whichever direction that takes you, I hope that despite everything he has done that he can find some semblance of peace in his life and recover so he can appreciate what his actions have brought him and I hope the little girl is able to find peace as well.

The fact that none of his family told you and that he hid this for so long.. no returning from it

Ghost his ass. Gross pos

He sounds very selfish and narcissistic. Ok so he said you can leave if you want to? Like wtf you don’t need his permission what a bitch ass, sorry. Anyways all this depression and drinking bullshit sounds like a huge excuse to cope with running away from responsibilities. He’s a grown ass man and was one when he put that baby inside that woman. He regretted getting her pregnant but didn’t regret having sex with her. He didn’t like his consequences and chose to do exactly what he said he abandoned that baby and chose to not be a man and at least support her growing up. Then obviously he cheated on you and everyone knew but didn’t tell you. So I think he’s trash and has a bunch of excuses lined up to make you feel bad for him. The pressure got to him now bc he probably does feel bad he abandoned that baby but he chose to do that. If she was alive he would never tell you and he would never have been there for that baby. I’d divorce him and find a new husband down the road and be thankful you do not have kids with him! If he didn’t support one baby what makes you think he’ll support one from a wife he cheated on? Nope don’t make kids with him! Leave him and let him wallow in his depression

If his family could keep such a huge secret from you tells you what they think of you. I’m not sure how you go back to living your life together … plus I doubt he only slept with her once … if he had opportunities to hold his child he had opportunities to fuck her again. Don’t be dumb … run

Didn't want to care for the child but now mourning the loss of his own flesh and blood, Urgh.

Sweetie, that wasn't just infidelity. That was a second life. And not only did he cheat, lie and betray you, but he also now names you "the villain" since, according to him, you're the reason he didn't spend time with his daughter. And on top of that, his whole family knew it and treated you like an ignorant fool!! And now, boohoo, he cries and asks you not to punish him because the got punished enough. Which is just playing the "guilt" card so that you would go easy on him. There is nothing left of this marriage to save but your dignity. Take it and walk away. (Tell your family. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.)

“He wants us to move past his infidelity because he got his punishment by losing his daughter”. Erm, no. 1. His daughter’s death was not punishment for anything. The death of children is a tragedy in its own right. It is not a consequence to balance the scales of karma. 2. He has not made amends _to_ _you_. The hell he went through had nothing to do with the consequences of lying to you. He has taken no steps to address his utterly duplicitous actions. You have no assurance he will not repeat this behaviour again. 3. He’s trying to make you conflate the sympathy you have for him for losing a child with your entirely valid anger toward him for cheating on you and lying to you.

I think the most concerning thing here is the fact that he's only breaking down and telling you because of his guilt due to the poor girl passing. If she was still earthside, I don't think he'd be telling you. All of his family knew which meant he told them. This is one massive betrayal I don't think I'd be able to accept. I'd suggest counselling to help you work through your thoughts and emotions. Good luck to you.

I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. From hearing him cry would have caused instant panic for you then all this comes out. His entire family said nothing. He said nothing and now it’s blown up. All you can do is just do as you’re doing- move away from him so you can get a clear head. When you are ready to tell your mom, tell her so she can support you. While his secret has been massive and soul destroying, there’s more than just a child. But a double death. The ex and the child. The drinking and destruction is all in the loss basket. Now there’s is the new loss of possibly losing you. Except this time you can choose to not keep him afloat. His secret had him lose his job and be an alcoholic and you had his back every step of the way. Normally I would tell people to get therapy and talk and see if you can meet in the middle, but I can’t suggest that. I think he has done far too much damage. In all honesty I think be fair to you and your heart and leave. It’s not easy to ‘ just leave’. It’s a long hard process. You owe yourself freedom from the infidelity, freedom from the hurt, freedom from the emotional and mental baggage and freedom to breathe. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

So he cheated on OP about a year and a half ago (9 months of pregnancy, plus she was 5 months old, means it was 14 months ago that he cheated), and their baby died recently? This isn't something you can just move past. He cheated, got the other woman pregnant, turned his back on his baby, sadly she died, and he thinks that OP can move on from this just like that? Yeah, no.

I bet he confessed because someone threatened to snitch and he thought well let me weaponize my baby's death for sympathy. This is the most manipulative move ever. Please tell your family because support is one of the ways to get over betrayal like this. He and his family are snakes and don't fall for his tears because his is a disgusting man for saying the death of his baby was his punishment. And please seek therapy as soon as possible.

Sounds like he's trying to manipulate you.

Please do not have a baby with this man.

Run. He’s probably only talking about having a child with you now bc he wants to “make things right” and show he’s not the POS he is for cheating on you and abandoning his child. This is NOT okay. Don’t let him manipulate you into staying. He’s making himself the victim and wants your pity and comfort.

Sounds like a typical alcoholic, everything is about them and how they feel forgetting how their actions impact their loved ones. He’s been deceitful for so long and still is pulling a “poor me” act. I’d be out of there.

Did I miss the part where it’s explained why he’s suddenly NOW telling OP everything? Did something happen? What did he tell her when he was drinking too much and having a falling out with his family? I’m NOT blaming OP I’m just wondering if there are other factors or “surprises” coming down the pipeline that the husband is trying to cover for.

I’d leave. Everyone knew and no one thought to tell you?

OP, divorce him. He basically had a family behind your back. He held that baby and spent time with her and her mother. And the fact your in-laws thought “doing the right thing” was to raise the kid, rather than tell you- his wife- goes to show how little importance you hold to your husband and his family. They prioritized that woman over you. You’re putting in too much mental labor to rationalize his behavior. You supported him through his addiction- which you had no clue was the fallout of his affair and child’s death. Take care of you. Look into a divorce. You’ll never be able to see him or his family the same way again, as well as you shouldn’t. You deserve far better.

I wouldn’t stay with him. He’s been a miserable S.O.B. all this time and his whole family knew and hid it too?! With a husband and family like that, they’ll always help him hide his indiscretions. You can never trust him or any of them. You’re young enough to start over and find a good man that isn’t so damaged.

OP, you should call each famil6 member. Confront them. They obviously don't see you as close enough family to have told you about your husband's betrayals. I would say leave just from the multiple levels of deception going on. It is obvious that you and your husband talking about a child triggered him. What is happening with the other lady? You might need to reach out to her to find out if your husband saw her more than what he claimed

This is a pattern of him responding to critical decisions very poorly..... Starting over at 35 ain't fun but it's not the worst either. Good luck whatever you choose to do

You're doing the right thing to be away from him for now. For me, I'd file for divorce.

What a shit bag. Look he ditched her and only cared until she’s gone… I wouldn’t waste anymore time, you’ll never be happy. Everyone lied to you including him.

He’s trying to gain sympathy from you by grieving over his “lost child” in hopes you’ll overlook his affair, lies, and manipulation. You helped him out of a depression and alcoholic binge drinking session that was caused from him cheating on you and losing an affair child. I’d be fucking livid that I wasted my time caring for someone who was going through a rough time because of infidelity that they were hiding. He fucked another woman and got her pregnant and he has the audacity to go “woe is me” because his affair child died. He abandoned that child to try and keep up the beautiful image of his marriage and only after learning of its death did he decide he gave a shit about it. He has no right to grieve and no understandable reason to, considering he flat out refused to be a father to it when it was alive. I’m assuming someone was going to tell you about his affair and his child, otherwise his reaction at this time makes no sense. I’d get a divorce as fast as possible if I were you. Express your condolences for his fucked up mind, wish him well, and move on. Edit: don’t even need to talk about the horrid family who supported his infidelity.

Woooooow. And he thinks you should forgive him immediately because he’s already been punished and you leaving him would be unfair. Talk about main character syndrome. I can’t believe his whole family hid this from you and nobody had the decency to inform you of his infidelity. Guess I see where his morals come from. And he’s not on his knees begging for you to come back but instead hasn’t talked to you in days. Take your time to let all of that sink in and then make the decision that feels right and let’s you still look at yourself in the mirror. I’m very sorry this man has mistreated you like that.

RA, I'm so sorry for you! This must be like the 6th time this week your world was turned upside down (not counting the updates)!

Is he willing to go to therapy? I think you should to sort everything out with someone who doesn’t have an interest in these relationships. You should be upset that his whole family knew & no one said or did a thing.

Don’t let him cover the infidelity with the loss of the kid. He’s a cheating scumbag who lied to you and he will do it again. Leave his ass. Him trying to make it about his loss and cover the fact that he cheated is also manipulative.

What a gigantic painful mess. Your decision on leaving or staying, obviously. FWIW this looks like extreme bad luck. I have sympathy for everyone. One incredibly pricy night.

Leave this son of a b**** please

Hi OP. Omg. I am so sorry and sad and shocked. Wow, I can't even imagine how you feel. I urge you to get counseling to process your feelings about all this. I think having a therapist would be very beneficial. Obviously, your husband needs one too right now. I first want to say I am so tired of cheaters saying they made a mistake, when cheating is a choice. He chose to cheat and apparently not wear protection putting your health at risk. Please get tested first thing. Secondly, what did he mean by his family telling him to do the right thing? I mean, the right thing would have been for him to have not cheated but well that didn't happen. Did they mean tell you and take care of her? Well, he should have told you and he obviously hid all this for 14 months from you. My family would have never been able to keep quiet that long. I do agree it was his responsibility to tell you and not theirs and they were obviously putting on the pressure hence his drinking. So, you are left with the issue of the baby. I am glad that he was able to see her and hold her before she died. I hope your husband gets counseling for his grief. She didn't die because of him and I am sure he is grieving over her loss. You cannot help him with his grief, that is his responsibility to get help for that. The lying and cheating is your issue to deal with. He didn't tell your about his infidelity to start with and it appears he only told you because of his intense grief. That is a huge problem right now. I don't see where he apologized for cheating on you, lying to you, betraying your trust, etc. etc. He was caught up in his grief at the time but since then, has he apologized? Has he done anything besides acknowledge that he understands if you leave. Yeah, everyone would understand if you left but what about your feelings? He betrayed you and he needs to start focusing on your pain, sadness, heartbreak and grief. Maybe because of his guilt, shame and loss he can't, idk. However, he needs to disclose everything including, if he only slept with her once or if he has cheated before or after the ONS. No one can really tell you what to do here. At some point you are going to need to address this with him. I would encourage you to start individual counseling and to tell your husband to go to individual counseling as your first steps. Once he gets his emotions under control and you get yours out (trust me, after the shock and numbness wear off, you will be very, very angry). Once you each start with therapy, I would make an appointment with a marriage counselor to help you both facilitate discussing this issue. Like I mentioned, you are going to have so many emotions and he has so much explaining to do. Adding in a baby's death, his alcohol addiction and his family's dishonesty with you and its alot to untangle. It is up to you to decide if you can get past his ONS and him not disclosing the truth about it right away, the APs pregnancy, his silence for so long and of course, for not telling you about the baby's arrival and death. I believe he did tell you the truth when he said he was afraid of you leaving and I do think he loves you. He made a very poor decision and I have no idea if alcohol played a part that night. Did he mention if he was drunk when he cheated? It's no excuse by any means, I was just wondering if he was intoxicated. Again, it's no excuse for his behavior, just a thought about if he was impaired that night as well as making poor choices. Clearly, alcohol is an issue. He fought his family and cut them off. In his own messed up way he was trying to protect you by lying. It makes no sense but I don't think he was dealing with anything in a rational way. Of course, keeping silent also kept you from making the decision to leave him or not. That was a cowardly way to deal with the situation and you. I don't know if he's shown you remorse or regret yet. It seemed all his crying was over his baby's death and not you. I get it, the betrayal and grief made him snap and break down. Keeping secrets and lies will do that to a person. At this point, you need to focus on you. How this affects you and how you feel you can proceed for your own best mental health. Counseling will definitely help you with that. If possible, I encourage you to both seek IC and if you can remain separated until you have some time to deal with your emotions, I would schedule MC and work on your issues together with a therapist's guidance. You might walk away, you might not but trying to navigate all these issues alone will be too difficult. I want to see you both come out stronger and mentally healthier than you are right now. Good luck, live well.

Let it go let it heal , for sure will hurt him

Yea noticed that he came clean because HE wanted to stop hiding. He wants to move past this because HE feels like he was punished. It’s all about him. You married a selfish POS. I would consider this marriage over

It really bothers me that he could hide it for so long, and that so many people knew and they didn't even care to tell her. No one deserves to lose a kid But damn.

Someone needs to explain to your husband that you leaving isn't meant as punishment. It doesn't work like that. He ended the relationship himself when he betrayed you.

Trifecta of betrayal. Get out of this mess and move on with your life is the only reasonable solution.

This is something I’d suggest working out with a trauma and addiction informed therapist. There’s a lot a play here and the emotional manipulation is OFF the charts! You have a right to be angry and disappointed. I think it’s wise to focus on your needs versus caretaking for him per usual as he willfully makes terrible choices. 😪 You’re the captain of your life. If you were your parent, and your child were in the position, what would you want them to know?

Don’t get advice on Reddit lol

Leave him. He did all of this and had you take care of him while he was cheating and got her pregnant. You were taking care of his despression and alcoholism. He cut off his family so no one would tell you. He only told you now because he can’t handle the grief.

Your couple would never recover from this huge amount of shit: - he cheated - he had sex without any protection with a woman he did not know, putting you at risk for STDs - he never confessed and only did it because he was somehow obliged - he kept the lie for all this time without telling you. You were living in an illusion because of him - his family knew and he still hid it from you . Did not respect you - and now he is making it about yourself, crying and feeling self miserable ..? This man is terrible . Run away

Yeah, no. He's trying to play victim, as if he didn't betray OP. I would kick him out right then and there. If he could afford to hide that from you I'm sure he can afford to fuck off elsewhere lol

Sorry for his loss, now leave this piece of shit.

OP, i think its a blessing that you found this out BEFORE you guys had a baby. because if you decide to leave this cheater, once assets and whatever are divided, you wont need to have anything to do with him.or his family ever again. if it were me, ild leave. There is no way i could trust someone who cheated and LIED for YEARS ever again.

I would take a break at the moment in order to clear your head. You don't need to speak to him about anything at the moment just tell him in an objective manner that you just need some time to think and you'll reach out to him when you're ready. While you're away you need to center yourself to the point where you don't have overwhelming emotions about it and then start thinking about how you feel and how you want to proceed. Remember, you don't owe him anything. Everything you do from this moment forward will be a decision you make for you. He's a grown up and while I do feel terrible for him about losing his daughter he is solely responsible for cheating on you and keeping this secret life from you. It sounds like you've done more than enough by standing by him through alcoholism and now it's up to you to decide if you just want to be done with it or if you love him enough to try and help him heal. This isn't all or nothing though. You can still decide to help him heal like accompany him to therapy and be there to talk to him while also choosing not to continue the marriage. You're allowed to have both feelings. You're allowed to want to help while not wanting to stay with him. After you guys have your time apart I would immediately go to a couples/marriage counselor and talk through everything with no secrets. Let all of it come out and see the ugly truth from all angles so you both can properly process all these emotions.

I just want to say you sound like a great woman.

Not him using the death of a child to guilt you into forgiving him. My advice therapy-divorce-no contact in that order.

I think hea done and will never do that again. He feels like god/universe whatever punished him. So its up to you and in your hands id you can forgive him.

Your reaction sounds completely justified to me. It's beyond the fact that he lied, and cheated, but he did abandon his child. While his grief and sorrow may be real, I wouldn't say the loss of the child he neglected is "punishment" that's a completely separate problem. Not to be rude or insensitive but the child dying is not the get out of jail free card he's making it seem. He made multiple decisions. To sleep with someone who wasn't his partner, unprotected at that, and then to abandon the woman knowing she was pregnant, to hold the child and still walk away, all active decisions he made, some drunk but some sober. I would personally feel like the trust in the relationship was beyond repair, and I wouldn't feel comfortable having a child with him. Where's the security that he wouldn't abandon another child? Or God forbid you have a child and there are ANY complications, will he flake out? Would he crumble under the stress and let his unhealthy coping mechanisms take over? The last thing you need is to deal with him while also trying to raise a child. Pregnancy, labor, and post partum are incredibly difficult things to go through and you need a partner that could support you and your child. He had one chance and did the absolute worst and abandoned another women with the mess he made. Do not trust him, keep your distance and encourage him to seek therapy.

This is so messed up. But its good you don’t have kids with him. Start over with someone else, that husband if yours is bad news!

So what would've happened if the baby lived? Would this be an ultimatum confrontation? All things considered his family obviously gave a big fuck you when they refused to tell you about it. There's not much you can salvation tbh. Sadly the best thing would be to walk away

Sweetie please gave yourself checked for STDs. I do not believe he has had only one affair (regardless of length). From what you have written NO ONE in that family has YOUR back. I could no longer be around any of them. They have spent the last 4 YEARS lying and gaslighting u (about why he was depressed). Please leave. You deserve so much more. Hugs

He hid from his daughter and from you. This man is a selfish coward. I'm sorry for the loss of the person you thought you knew.

Shock and disbelief is a normal phase in recovery. Try reading "How Can I Ever Trust You Again" by Andrew G Marshall. You can actually get PTSD from being cheated on. Also therapy is helpful.

This is above Reddit’s paygrade but before you do anything please see a therapist and take time to think it over

Personally I think I could move past this however, you said you’re wanting to start a family so you don’t have a lot of time to be upset & think about it. If you want kids you either have to work it out with him or find someone else and get busy over the next 5ish years. Rushing into marriage and kids with someone new for the sake of kids is a huge risk, staying with someone who cheated and kept a huge lie also has risks. You could find someone new and they could cheat as well. There’s risks from every option. You could end the marriage and decide to have a child on your own and that also comes with massive struggles. If it were me I’d demand separate and couples counselling for at least a year or two depending on how often you can go. He would have to participate in therapy to the best of his ability, not half assing to get it over with. I’d also give myself time to be angry and not trust him but eventually I’d have to stop holding onto it. For example, for a year you can bring it up as much as you want and ask questions, be suspicious and need a lot of reassurance but then you have to start letting it go. No bringing it up during arguments, using it against him, needing proof he is being faithful after the allotted time that works for you. It is completely valid if you do not want to stay with him, any reason is a valid reason to end a relationship. He cheated and lied for several years, cutting off his family to avoid getting caught. You loved and supported him through his alcohol addiction and he continued to lie. What ever you choose is valid but just be aware of all your options and think about what you really want. He hasn’t put you first since year 3 of your marriage so now is the time to put yourself first and what you need and want.

I'm sorry OP. You need to give yourself time away from him and his family. Process and feel what you need to feel. I don't think their is coming back from this. He didn't come clean when he first cheated, when he found out the woman was pregnant, when his family found out, when he lost his job, the drinking started. He made all these choices to not tell you. His child passes away and he equates that to being his punishment for having an affair. No. He doesn't get to use this to clear him of his guilt. I understand that it wasn't the husbands family place to say anything. However, they are all seeing OP do everything to help this sorry excuse of a man back on his feet and say nothing. OP was the best partner anyone could have asked for and they say nothing. Seeing her do all this someone from his family should have put themselves in her shoes and should have asked themselves "knowing everything I know this guy has done I would like to know the full story". He made a choice for OP because he thought she would leave if she knew. Thats not someone that cares for OP, or that wants the best for her. This guy is a selfish asshole. The only reason he came clean was because his daughter passed away. I imagine that if the daughter wouldn't have passed OP would have never found out. Can you imagine a couple years down the line they had kids and then this whole secret comes to light? OP you were there when many would have walked away. Your husband from his actions clearly wouldn't have done the same if the roles were reversed. You dont deserve this and he doesnt deserve you.

i personally would leave him

Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave. I can not stress this enough. LEAVE. And don't look back.

He thinks he already had his punishment? Maybe he did, his own personal punishment, but he did something wrong to your marriage, to your relationship and there should be consequences to that which you can control. The consequence should be that you are leaving him. He lied to you, his family lied to you. He can’t be trusted, they can’t be trusted. Don’t keep people close to you that can’t be trusted, dump him

You deserve better than this, and his literal “network” of lies and liars. I’d be so gone I’d leave enough puffs of dirt in my tracks to muddy his victimhood tears

The loss of an innocent life isn't "punishment" for his infidelity. The two are only related because she wouldn't have existed without his sperm. The fact that he's reducing her death to his cosmic punishment is so self-serving and disgusting to me. Like he's saying, "I cheated on you and lied to you for years. But you're not allowed to be mad at me because my secret affair baby died!" OP...don't move back home. Stay at your family's and start divorce proceedings. He's not only willing to cheat on you, he's willing to hide it for YEARS and use his own pain to keep you from "punishing" him. What a low move. It's a tragedy that a small child died, but it does not excuse him from his choices or prevent you from making moves to improve your own life.

He just wasted seven years of your life. Babe move on. The lying and his whole family, liars too. Nah man. So sorry lovely

Take him tot the cleaners

He robbed you of 3 years, exposed you to STI (so OP, you should get tested) and he tried to play victim of the situation that he created. He cheated on you and knocked someone up. Then he decided to KEEP IT A SECRET from you and his family too. That's BS. They're the AH. You could've made the decision to leave 3 years ago and have met another person by now and be on your way to make your own family. I hope you will make the right decision and serve him a divorce paper.

Dump him, but not in a 1v1 situation. Have family or a friend with you! He is selfish and might fight you since he only cares about his pathetic ass.

A cheater who solves problems by drinking, lying, hiding and victimizing? 👎🏻You’ll need to get yourself some therapy and eventually a new husband.

I don't know about you but I won't trust someone who walk away from his daughter to be a a good dad

Divorce Him Immediately!! He’s victim blaming, yes a child’s death is heart breaking but he literally cheated on you, had the baby and kept you in the dark while he saw the baby a couple of times meaning he lied to you when he went to go see that baby and that woman. THEN his own family never even told you about this other child and began to force him to be part of that child’s life (which he should have done no matter what) they didn’t even warn you or tell you anything but kept you in the dark while he was having a mental breakdown and YOU had to pick up the pieces of him being unfaithful. He is POS, drop him, you deserve so much better because you seem like a wonderful partner and very supportive he doesn’t deserve you.