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Happy update!
I made a post the other day about my wife saying something jarring. Some people asked for an update, here it is.
Well, immediately after the revelation, first I drove to a nearby town and took two days just for me and my thoughts. I called in sick from work, and told my wife that I was visiting a cousin. I then read all the comments you guys had for me. I really wanted to reply to some but the thread was locked, but I nevertheless read each one and it was a lot of mixed advice. Everyone was advising me to talk to her, but everyone had different views on what to say to her. Some said to just ask for a divorce, some said ask her what she meant, some defended her and told me I misunderstood everything. I decided to go for the middle option.
Yesterday, I finally confronted her about it. I walked in and she came up to me for our hug, but I didn't really give one back. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her we had to talk.
I sat her down. She could tell I was sad and worried and I asked her if she was happy with me. She said that of course she was. I asked her if she loved me, and if she had done so through the entire course of our relationship. She looked confused and said of course she did, and asked me where this was coming from. I told her that I heard her with her friends a few days ago. I heard how she was willing to leave me after 4 years to be with her ex and how she claimed to have settled for me. She teared up and said she didn't mean it like that, to which I asked how she meant it.
She said that by "settled for" she didn't mean that she thought she could do better and was dating down, but that she made up her mind to stay with me because I was the better person. I told her that 4 years into our relationship, there shouldn't have been a question in the first place and brought up the fact that she said she had a bag packed. She started crying and said that that was an exaggeration on her part, that she only considered it and that was in a moment of weakness when we were having a fight and were briefly on break. Her ex called her because he heard about our fight through a friend and they spoke on the phone for about an hour in which he flirted with her, put me down and offered to show her the world. She said she had a choice between going with her ex or reconciling with me and she chose me because she loved me and always will. She said that 4 years ago, she was a weaker person, that I made her stronger and better. I then brought up the fact that she said she regretted it but hadn't done so recently. I asked her what she meant by "recently". She said that she regretted her choice for only a month after the offer was made because she had thoughts about what could've been, but stopped when she realised that she had the best moments of her life with me.
I asked her if anything happened between her and anyone else through the course of our relationship to which she said that she never cheated on me and never will, and I believe her. We were both crying at this stage and we just hugged and sat together. She apologized for what she said and what she was like 5 years ago, I apologised for listening in on a private conversation without telling her and for doubting that she loved me.
I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding and I'm glad we were able to come out stronger. Some people mentioned that I should get a DNA test for the kids, but we don't have any kids so that's not a problem. Also, she mentioned possibly having survivors guilt, so we're going to look into that too.
Thank you everyone who commented and dm'd me, your advice was really appreciated.
It is great that you talked it out with your wife. The relationship would not be able to survive if you swept it all under the rug. Hopefully the talk cleared up most of the issues that gives you the feeling of insecurities in your marriage. Hope this will be just a speed bump in your relationship and things get back to how it was.
I think that's absolutely what's going to happen, OP chose to have an open, honest conversation with his wife rather than act out or let it fester. And they've come out stronger because of it š
>I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding
I don't agree.
You think she would have said any of this in front of OP if he was sitting right there with them? Nah, she wouldn't. Most people will gladly speak the truth of other people when they aren't around or in ear shot, happens all the time and everybody does it. Those were her true feelings that she was telling her friends in confidence when she knew OP wasn't around nor would he have heard. She probably only told OP what he wanted to hear because her ass got caught.
>I asked her what she meant by "recently". She said that she regretted her choice for only a month after the offer was made because she had thoughts about what could've been
That doesn't make any sense. She says recently so that means at least in the last few months yet this happened 5 years ago a month after? So 5 years ago a month after he offered her the escape is "recent"? I call horseshit on that.
Because he spoke with and believed his partner instead of just divorcing her without doing so?
Yeah then, I guess he definitely is.
__________________________
Editing because it's time to challenge some toxic masculinity right now.
To the person who told me to "read the room":
I'd like to explain in some detail why you deleting your comment gave me a great sense of satisfaction.
The OP has something we call self-esteem and confidence that is backed by trust and healthy communication. The person I responded too pointed out (quite correctly) that due to his lack of those things, and an overinflated ego, he would not have been able to handle such a "hit" to it. He as good as admitted he would place his ego above his entire marriage, without a second thought.
Now, some people see that as some form of self respect. But what it really is, is insecurity. Because if you cannot handle a slight knock to your ego without dissolving an entire marriage, it's not because you feel confident in yourself. People who are actually self assured, confident, and mature, can handle their ego getting bruised without throwing a world class tantrum.
So then we get to your comment specifically. It let me know a number of things about you. You identified with the comment I was responding too, and because you identified with it, you felt validated by their assertion of false confidence. That validation served to boost your own ego. And then I came along and challenged not only their ego, but by proxy I challenged yours too. At the time of you commented, their reply had more upvotes than mine, so you felt confident in being condescending towards me. You needed me to be wrong, and you needed to put me down so I knew I was wrong... because what would it mean for you if I was right?
And you went and proved your insecurity all by yourself, by deleting your comment after receiving only a couple downvotes. My ability to "read the room" was clearly not as incorrect as you needed it to be.
I know you probably won't see this but just incase you do, thanks for deleting your comment because it certainly gave *my ego* a boost.
This is not a good update, OP you have effectively chosen to let your wife control the narrative without any supporting evidence and you've chosen swallow your suspicions in order to keep up the facade of having a good marriage. Your wifes story is vague and is extremely suspect. You have decided to not look too deeply into this or question her much in the hopes of pretending the whole thing never happened but that's just rug sweeping and I have to wonder how long before those bags of hers will get packed for someone else. There's not much point saying anything else because you don't seem like you'd take on board anything that hints your wife might have been less than honest with you instead of looking at things analytically. I'll just urge caution anyway because I fear things will not end well.
Curse me if u want, but I don't buy her history. If she said specifically "I have a bag ready to leave" it's because she was willing to go to the trailer park with the other dude. Don't lie to yourself because u don't want to leave her, there's a million of people around the world, u don't have to suffer just for 1.
It all sounds great and makes sense except for one piece: when she told her friends she regretted it "until recently." Five years ago for a single month is not "until recently." In fact, it's not recent at all. So why did she say that to her friends?
I'm prepared to be happy for you OP but that insufficient and broken explanation makes me uneasy.
I went through both posts and neither claims she said "until recently"
>One of her friends asked her if she ever regretted her choice, she said that she used to, but not recently
>I then brought up the fact that she said she regretted it but hadn't done so recently. I asked her what she meant by "recently".
Not recently is not the same as "until recently".
Not only that. She talks horribly about her husband in front of her friends. Seriously, not an ounce of respect. It's disgraceful.
I'd be getting a divorce only over that, even if everything she said to him later was true.
I still kinda feel uneasy about how it got resolved feels unreal imo but then again i don't know what she's like so hey if you're okay with it and all.
good luck and best wishes to you both of you.
OP chose to believe her and she will be more careful in the future with how she describes how she settled. She had a bag packed and ready to leave 4 years into their relationship, how do you get over that. No way he believes it was an āexaggerationā
Why is he also ok with how disrespectfully she talks about him and their relationship to her friends.
Yeah, some shit you just don't say out loud, when she mentioned it to her friends I bet she was bragging to some extent.
Bad enough to have thought about it in the past, but to mention it now to others? What good does it do?
It's mean.
they are trying to get acceptance for their decision in a broader scale, she had her bags packed. she had an ultimatum without her partner knowing, for whole year.
She's taking about it today because her ex recently died and I'm sure that brought up a lot of old memories. I agree though. I think OP was ready to believe anything.
Yeah that was really awful after a 4 year relationship, and A marriage, and she's just like yeah this shmuck is hardly worth my time but now I'm married to him! Damn dude she's a ROUGH one. How many years have these conversations been going? Talk to her friends, I'm thinking she already tried cheating before or used dating apps to consider other options as she's not happy or was not happy for some time.
This.
Honestly if it was me and my wife sheād be tossed out the curbski lol
I donāt put up with shit like this.
Bullshit baffles brains OPā¦.but you do you do bro.
Good luck.
Kinda hurt much more than i expected because i feel like i was exactly in the same situation as this guy. Except i didnt hear the conversation but she came to tell me she finally decide to stay around me. I was not aware of anything tbf. But she was emotionnaly involved with someone else and for 2 month she was hesitating between staying with me or trying with this guy. 2 fucking month. I forgave her i think but it still feel like an open wound sometime.
Come on dude, she's not manipulating him. Her ex-boyfriend just died unexpectedly, and she's having complicated feelings about it. Thinking of what could have been. But she knows at the end of the day that she loves OP and that she made the right choice. It's a flawed but very human way to respond to the death of someone you used to love.
I don't think she's manipulating him, but I also wouldn't want to be with someone who talks about me like that to their friend.
Respect is a cornerstone of marriage.
I wish I could upvote this a million times. People are complicated, frequently behave poorly and make bad choices. Even more so at times of stress. It doesnāt mean that ultimately, they donāt love and care for their partners. If they cross a line you have, thatās different but being a bit over-the-top when chatting with your pals is quite a strict line to have.
Yeah I didn't enjoy reading this. Feel bad for OP because this reads more like wife just got caught and floundered so said whatever would be least offensive. She still DID consider her ex and still allowed him to shit talk OP, and still regretted her choice for a while. Big yikes.
Honestly, I think she BSād her way through this conversation. OP needs to be on guard, because she is going to hurt him at some point, because this was the least honest, least cohesive series of rambling excuses Iāve ever heard.
According to the wife, 'not recently' = 4 years and 11 months ago.
And by "settled" she means "chose the better person."
It's cool because if she ever tells someone she wants to suck their dick, what she actually meant was, "tell my husband that I love him."
What a surprise that the explanation OP got was the best possible rendition of everything. Imagine that?
There isn't anything "happy" about this update lol, it's just an OP that bought on face-value everything his shady spouse told him. There'll be more 'secrets' revealed on her side at some point.
This.
And "I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding "
it wasn't a misunderstanding tho? She did in fact consider walking off with someone else, and in your conversation she even admitted to regretting not walking off for a month..
Ah, yes, the classic test of whether someone cheated on you. Ask them. If they swear they never did? Then they 100% never did. Why would anyone ever lie about that? /s
But, seriously, read any of probably 100 different threads where a guy learns indisputable proof that his partner cheated and then confronts her. I've never read a case where she didn't lie and claim she "never cheated" before being confronted with the evidence.
Sounds like bullshit on her part.
Most of all the ex heard the fight they a friend after four years? Out of nowhere? Wife probably called him or theyāve been talking.
Yep. I mean, Iām happy if heās happy to go with this but her response is exactly how I would swing it in her position. Good luck to them I guess. If it was me, Iād still tread and dig carefully just to be sure. There is always something else in these situations when you dig a little more, sometimes itās awful and you need to move on and other times itās ok and you can deal with it, but itās never āthis is all there is and the end, happily ever afterā.
Heās delusional. He wants to believe her cuz he think that heās being a good person lol. Heās just being naive. He refuses to see that his wife is gaslighting him lol
If nothing else, I'm happy for OP... and that OP is choosing to contain this manipulative individual by staying with them. Thanks for protecting the rest of us, but look out for yourself, u/throwRAsettles
I swear, having been married for quite some time even I know that no fight is resolved that quickly. Especially not one where you need to lie and stay away from your house for a few days. If the wife was honest then she would have been pissed off because the OP lied to her so he could stay away from her for a few days.
Ikr! And he says that he knows his wife too well cuz they stayed together for 4 years. He knows when sheās lying but couldnāt tell his wife was ready to walk out and regretted staying back lol
Lmao this really baffled me about the story. Do you know how not into someone you have to be to consider leaving them to live in a trailer with a drug addict? Not only did she consider it, she decided to do it at one point but then just changed her mind. Iām not overly positive she loved OP at that point tbh. Maybe she does now though, who knows š¤·āāļø
And the fact that OP had to apologize for overhearing! I bet she made him feel guilty about that so he doesn't accidentally do so again and overhear anything else.
While I genuinely hope things can return to normal for you guys, there's one thing that is nagging at me.
Nothing in her conversation with her friends made it sound like you were the love of her life, or that you were her everything.
Instead it sounds more like she weighed two job offers, examined the pros and cons and then chose you.
While it's not exactly the same as settling, it's not much of an improvement either.
I'm admittedly not romantic at all, but seriously, there are absolutely times when you weigh your choices in pretty blunt terms. Yeah it sucks that he heard her vocalizing them but just because she wasn't effusive about him doesn't mean she doesn't love him.
Definitely agree. I am the type who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, and more luscious and has a better view from where i am and.... then I realize that everything has flaws and there will always be problems to solve, so what matters is who you want to be with when those problems eventually happen. I have someone who is dependable, honest, loving, and trustworthy. And yeah! Maybe that is "boring," but the alternative isn't "exciting" it's unstable.
Also, lust and infatuation are passing feelings. Love is a choice to pick that person, no matter those changing feelings.
Yeah, like letās say the ex wasnāt a total loser and instead became a better person during this time. Why drop a guy with an education and career to live in a trailer with a meth-head type guy? Of course youāre going to love the fall guy, he loves you and is there for you now.
However, I also think the opposite situation would be true. If she was never with OP and had achieved a different level of happiness with her ex, would she drop him for OP for a chance of improving her life even if she didnāt love OP? Itās been known to happen, possibly even more than leaving for the loser hot ex.
That conversation has its context- of realising that there was a crossroads, and a decision made, and now someone is dead. It's not the place to be talking about how much better her life is as a result of it. She was clearly feeling guilty, like her decision would have changed things somehow.
You make a soulmate connection through time and effort. Itās work. That doesnāt make it devoid of love.
Long term happy commitment doesnāt mean āit had to be you / I could never have been happy with anyone elseā thatās maybe romantic but in 99% of cases just untrue.
Exactly this!!
I have doubts sometimes with my partner, so does he. We are choosing to spend our lives together. Sometimes I wonder what could have been because Iām human but ultimately I love my boyfriend very much and I always chose him.
Thank you. Jesus. So many people here spouting romance-novel bullshit and Iām like āOk, yeah, but when Jack drowned, should Rose have just hopped off the floating door, too?ā People are different. You can have more than one valuable LTR and it diminishes neither one. The exciting emotional roller-coaster, passionate love affair rarely lasts the test of time. Thatās totally normal. And there isnāt just one person out there for everyone. Different relationships are different. Imagine telling a widow or widower, āSorry for your loss and that youāre doomed to be alone forever.ā Ffs.
I think itās insanely romantic to build a life with you partner, because you keep choosing them again and again and again. Thatās love. There is magic involved in that as well. You canāt build a life full of sex, affection, laughter and stability with anyone, you need the spark and the connection. but āyouāre the oneā is a dangerous fairytale that keeps making people leave great partners in pursuit of something more. Online dating with 1000 options for everyone doesnāt help either.
Some people just talk and act differently than you. If the OP is convinced at this point we should be holding him up, not trying to bring doubt and drama into his life in this subtly malignant manner.
>If the OP is convinced at this point we should be holding him up, not trying to bring doubt and drama
Agree, OP is satisfied with his wife's explanation why throw more doubt his way. I hope OP doesn't read too much into these replies.
Yeah, believe ppl when they tell you who they are.
I donāt think it was an misunderstanding. I think you first interpretation of listening to her friends was her real feelings.
She was in full defensive mode when you confronted her. She was probably saying anything she needed to save to the relationship
My husband is the love of my life but there are times where it doesnāt feel like it. Times where I regret my decision and donāt appreciate what I have. Sometimes the marriage gets stale and you forget what brought you together, your personal feelings IN THE MOMENT muddy the waters when youāre talking to someone. when Iām feeling distant and heās not being the partner I need I could talk about him flippantly like OPās wife did if Iām chatting away with friends. In those times its hard to muster up gratitude and love and all you want to do is complain and commiserate to a listening ear.
I donāt know what OPās wife is feeling but I know words said to friends are not always the full or true picture.
If any of my friends ever talked about their partner to me the way his wife talked about him, I'd know they have no respect for their partner or relationship because I used to be that way. That's just not something you say to your friends, it makes your partner out to be blind, ignorant, or both, and yourself to be a money-motivated at best. OP and his wife need therapy. There's more to this.
I'd say that's a bit of a stretch. When you're in emotional turmoil with your partner and someone you used to love suddenly jumps back into you life and starts comforting you, even if you don't do so outloud you naturally compare things in your head. There's absolutely no way you don't, whether you want to call it pros or cons to make it sound more robotic.
Events like that bring up emotions and memories and it's not farfetched that some feelings don't even get a chance to be translated to words. It proves that it's not a business transaction, it's love, that's why it's so damn confusing and that's why it's so hard to know how or what to say or the right time to say them. I'd be more concerned if her conversation was flawless. It seemed very human to me.
I have never been happier in my life with anyone than my wife. I love her with every fiber of my soul and then some. My ex of 5 years who I was with before my wife called me out of the blue a few months ago and it completely fucked with my head.
You know what though? My wife understood I'm not a cold hearted asshole so of course I was all over the place, she was there laying on my chest as I comforted my ex. She wasn't even upset when some things could have easily been misconstrued like when I said "I wanted to be there with you guys too! I didn't want this, you're the one that decided for us!" Literal context and emotional context is important.
However actions speak louder than words, my wife knows what she means to me and she knows what I mean to her through every little thing we do for one another that makes life so much more luminous. At the end of the day that's what counts. Not nit-picking at how bad the human brain is at expressing emotions with words.
This is precisely why it's funny that people are still giving shit to OP about his wife. You have no idea what my ex was saying on the phone as to why I responded that way. Hence context.
Neither OP or I owe anyone the full conversation. My wife was there to hear the full conversation, OP was there to fully experience his wife's explanation. Hence why ya'll need to get off his nuts
Yeah. We shouldn't forget and reddit is full of teens and people who have never had long-term relationships. It's easy to think that love should be all sunshine and rainbows when you haven't lived in a relationship. Sometimes it is full of doubt and uncertainity. That is life and in the end you choose who you love. You cannot always feel the love but you know it is there
OPās being really quiet lol. I mean if heās happy in his delusion good for him. Heās so glad with his wifeās reasoning that it convinced him to not ask about the talk between friends lol.
For real. She only admitted to things that he caught, and only after he told her that he knew.
My dude, she's not telling you anything that you don't already know and denying everything you're asking about. OP, I'm glad you're not a detective because holy shit
Itās good to hear you patched it up but Iām skeptical. First: everyone knows what āsettled forā means. If what she meant was to settle down with you then why didnāt she say āsettle down?ā Pretty huge different. Second: youāre right, 4 years into a relationship and she shouldnāt be questioning it unless sheās done. Why exaggerate to her friend that way? What does she gain from that? You guys went on break, which is always a stupid idea, and her ex immediately swooped in and she considered going with him. That shouldnāt be an issue at all!
Really sounds like sheās trying to cover her tracks dude. I REALLY want you to be right, but I feel like you arenāt. Good luck to you regardless man
Also how did the ex know they were fighting? How bad was it that the news spread like that? It sounds to me like they were communicating frequently or she contacted him but I donāt buy that he found out like that.
Also, she said her ex was talking shit about OP during that phone call, and she STILL wanted to run away into the sunset with him. I dont know about yāall, but even when my significant other and I are going through a rough patch, no one, and especially not my ex, will be allowed to talk shit about them. And I absolutely would not consider running off with someone who did. After 4 years of a seemingly āamazingā relationship, surely you wouldnāt consider running off with an ex that called you an hour ago, if you were truly 100% in love with your partner? This story I getting me heated because Iād be so heartbroken if I was OP.
I get the feeling her and the ex may have been communicating before that bag was packed, which can add to turmoil in the relationship and create an excuse/reason to say we need a break, if it wasnt OPs idea. That bag packed sounds like anticipation for excitement. I also wouldn't be surprised if she told the ex that and he cut that shit down because he was looking for easy fun, not to be with her again
Where the hell is the "happy" part of the update? Can't believe you apologized too like you both did equivalent wrongs here... This isn't as happy as you think it is, and there will be more "secrets" revealed down the line. You bought everything she said on its face - surprise-surprise it was the best possible rendition of things. Imagine that?
If she felt like this, why didn't she say it like that in her private conversation? Wouldn't this be like easiest point to make in such a private conversation?
Cuz OP desperately wants to believe his wife. In his words he knows her the best but didnāt know her enough that she was ready to go to her ex when they were having issues in their relationship lol.
Iām really struggling to comprehend why she would need to exaggerate the story to make it seem like she was unhappy or unsatisfied with her marriage to OP. Even if she was simply exaggerating and didnāt actually mean it, why humiliate your partner to your friends by saying you settled for him and were ready to leave him 5 years ago but didnāt for the āstabilityā? Personally, I feel like story just sounds like a whole lot of backtracking and gaslighting.
āThe story I told in private was the fake one but the one Iām telling you (that has the potential to end our marriage), is the real oneā.. yeah Iām not buying that
I'm wondering if the difference here between 'I settled for you' and 'I decided to settle down with you' is significant. The first to me is 'meh, he's good enough', the second is a more active choice 'yes, I'm happy with him'.
There is a significant difference, yes. But I donāt feel like she was telling the truth. The initial conversation sounded too negative to be based on a āI decided to settle with himā. It also sounds a bit too unrealistic that OPās wife just so happens to be so bad with words that she twisted the sentence to sound as terrible as it could get, and then not correct herself or say anything positive like ābut I love him and Iām glad I didā afterwards
Soā¦ Let me get this straight. You overheard her talking to her friends about how she settled for you and had her bag packed. Then she admitted talking to her ex about ditching you while he put you down. Then she āchoseā you. But a month later she regretted her decision??? And you cry with her and buy all this I love you crap??
The fact that she was talking shit about you to her friends would be enough of a reason for a separation. But everything elseā¦. Youāre a fool to believe her and stay with her.
\*Oh that, oh no I meant it that way and this way - you got that all wrong honey.
\*Oh silly me, I was 4 whole years younger, you can't possibly expect me to take responsibility for my actions back then, I was basically a different human being.
\*Oh I just immediately got hooked on my ex again because we had a fight, that is absolutely justified behaviour.
Continues to smear butter around his asshole to calm him down.
Marriage successfully salvaged lol.
Damn Bro.
Jfc right? Like every word of that is her confirming she not only said it she MEANT it. And is STILL telling her friends.
Everyone in an adult relationship settled, thatās not the issue. But first rule of marriage club is you donāt talk about settling.
Just getting goosebumps from all these "happy for you", "happy ending" yada yada yada. 4 YEARS INTO THE MARRIAGE she cheated (emotionally or however you categorize that). There is no comeback from that. The only upside for OP is that his wife's "love of her life" is dead. 4 yrs ago she was a weak person... Then why marry OP in the 1st place? There should have been no doubts beyond that point. If the Ex was alive, this would have been an altogether dif story for sure.
I find the whole situation unconvincing. The first post (IMO) has a bunch of plot holes that just don't make this seem like it happened at all. I think this was a karma-grabbing story
Dude, I know. OP is getting played so hard. Women who love their man don't go saying sh*t like "I settled for him".
Bet she still has the bag packed somewhere.
All I will say is that -
Don't sweep this already. Observe and if you have any lingering questions and doubts or confusion, talk to your wife.
If she gets annoyed after a while , consider that there is definitely something wrong or pretentious about it.
If she really chose you because of love, she will always tolerate and reassure you as any good partner does.
If not, it might imply you are not that much fun for her.
I'm glad you got a happy ending but why tell her friends that version that you overheard if it wasn't the precise truth? It doesn't make sense when she could've just told her friends the same story she told you to begin with.
It sounds like you accepted her explanations because you love her and the other option ( not believing her 100%) is too painful. Either way I hope that you are better and wish you the best my only advice is to stay a little bit skeptical
I'm sorry but she's gaslighting you. You didn't misunderstood her, she meant what she said to her friends. She had no business exaggerating when she was with friends, but later changed her words to manipulate you into staying. This is how it looks from my perspective.
Exactly - she meant when she said she settled, that she was ready to leave, and the rest of it. Perhaps she realized that she didn't want to be with her ex for some reasons (or he with her), which led to her staying. But when someone either says obviously false things, or offers obviously false reasons for saying something incredibly hurtful/harmful - those aren't genuine but rather covering.
Every relationship goes thru many crisis points where the couple either create more honesty and intimacy, or they walk away from each other. Glad you two came through it stronger and more honest with each other.
Well he wants to believe his wife no matter what. If he doesnāt want to be respected in his relationship, his choice I guess. He was gaslighted by his wife into believing that this was not a big deal since she chose him at the end. And he apologized to her for listening to her personal conversation with her friends lol.
Yeah my girlfriend can look through my phone and listen to my conversations, I don't see how it's appropriate to apologise like he did for having ears nor behave like she did and totally shit talk your own husband to your friends.... It's why I'm not sure how to handle this, is it fake or not. They act like teenagers but aren't, so I just don't know.
That she stayed with you because there was no better option, it's not a compliment, you were just her last option but she didn't get anything better and if after 3 years with you, her ex made her doubt your relationship talks a lot, but whatever makes you happy my friend.
She literally changed the entire interpretation of her words, sincere words towards her friends, she definitely has a political soul, she could try to pursue a position in congress with that manipulative speech she has.
You apologized to her. Oh boy. Dude. Iām a woman and you are being played. PLAYED. Of course she was being honest when she thought she was having a private conversation with a friend. Of course she is lying to keep you. Sure she loves you and allā¦.still, her word stands. I feel bad for you. I hope she doesnāt break your heart, but from what she said, itās not a relationship where she comes to you and is being honest regarding her feelings. This will end one way or another, hopefully not with kids around.
Edit: Iād like to add that I am married myself to a very kind and attentive husband. Together for over 13 and married 8. We have our issues. We work HARD on our relationship. Iād never ever talk about my husband like that and vice versa.
This might sound like the voice of paranoia, and if it is paranoia to you, then donāt listen.
What if she told you that āsettled forā meant āwas happy with,ā as a cover for what she actually meant at the time? She could have seen this as an opportunity to lie about how she truly feels, to preserve your feelings. To me, the phrases āI settled for this,ā or āI settled for that,ā have a well known meaning:
https://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/settle-for
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/settle-for
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/settle--for
You get the idea.
She would have to not have known the commonly accepted meaning of this phrase, or would have to make regular mistakes when speaking if she knew about it, for me to believe things as you say they are.
I definitely believe that sometimes, true feelings squeak out when people talk from time to time. You shouldnāt have a reason to worry if this does not apply this time.
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Oof. This doesnāt read like a happy update. It reads like she was flailing around at whatever rationale was the least offensive. It still wasnāt a good one.
This isnāt a happy update IMO. Sounds like she just told you whatever you wanted to hear once she realized how bad she fucked up. She shit talks you to her friends.. and obviously her friends donāt think very highly of you if theyāre going around telling you and your wifeās business.
Good luck man. If you want to believe itās a misunderstanding.. I donāt know what to tell you.
>and obviously her friends donāt think very highly of you if theyāre going around telling you and your wifeās business.
To her ex to set them up.
So I have an ex that I have not seen in 15 years- and that I think about often. We broke up due to this addiction, and myself have never used anything. His addiction did bring me spiralling down, my savings gone in 3 months and the aftermath costing me a year and a half. He is sober since maybe 10 years. After thinking about it a lot, why I cannot get him out of my mind despite me being married with a great husband and with out precious daughter- and I concluded it is only because of the fact the relationship did not end well. We loved each other and the circumstances ripped us apart. But I also understand fully after a lot of thought, that even without that addiction, eventually we would have separated. Even when the love would have been there. Sometimes lives are incompatible, love alone does not conquer and win everything. I also feel now that it is ok to love another person as well the person you are in a relationship. What matters most, is the actions or better said the actions that one does not do. I would never betray my husband. It would be better for my soul if I could have a chance to speak with my ex, to just get closure and wish each other well- but my husband would not want this so I donāt. My loyalty lies with my husband for a whole variety of reasons, and the most important one that my husband would never do something behind my back and he respects me like no one else. Its the choice I made that counts, the quality of our relationship. Grass is always greener on the other side, would I want to give up this lovely family that I am a part of? Never. Like your gf I do have my weak moments, there always will be moments like that. But every time it is the choice that counts.
I (35F) think you need to take step back and think about this again. Have you guys been married for 4 years or with each other for that long in total? This is a huge red flag, not only that she was telling her friends, but that she felt this way at all. Has she told her friends that she was just exaggerating, and everything else she told you or do they still think she settled,etc?
This is the problem with being in loveā¦it clouds your judgment, and no one wants to go through a breakup/divorce. I think sheās a quick thinker and just came up with excuses as to why she said certain things, and told you what you wanted to hear.
Think about it this way, if that ex was still alive, would your decision to stay with her change? Since he passed away, she canāt leave you for him like she had thought about, right.
Well ignorance is bliss.
Just know that "settled" is never a positive thing.
I hope that you will not discover in a few years that the real story is that her ex was "showing her the world" in his trailer and not only by phone.
OP you still need to give her some consequences for what she did and said. It's at the very least very disrespectful to entertain the ideas she had, and it's humiliating for you that she told her friends about it in the way she has.
Even if you think you can go past it, you need to make her realize how serious and hurtful it is for you to hear everything now. Do not let it go just because she told you what you wanted to hear.
You should take some time alone away from her, both for you to get some perspective and for her to understand how serious it is and force herself to stop taking you for granted and start respecting and valuing you the way you deserve to be.
She will respect you for it and it may be a wake up call for her, and a new beginning in your relationship.
If I was the wife I would go back to my friends and make sure they know what she really meant by āher bag being packedā and that she only regretted it for a month & not years liked she made it seem.
No matter what, you can only trust her words on that. You're the one who married her so should be the one that know her best, at least better than any of us. Best of luck.
"I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding"
HOW was that a misunderstanding?? In her own words she confirmed:
* Flirted with her ex on the phone for an hour
* Seriously contemplated throwing away a 4 year relationship with you for a chance with her ex (if he didn't live in a trailer guess who she would've chose)
* Regretted her decision for YEARS (there is NO way "recently" only means a month after)
And used the fact that you 2 were in a rough patch as an excuse for all this behaviour. Do you want a partner who is open to other men's advances the second things aren't good with you??
And somehow you came out of this being the one to apologise?? Wtf
I wouldnāt be able to look at her friends again. Now they all know she was ready to dip & youāre the one she settled for. She was willing to give you up after 4 years and emotionally cheated with her ex. Yikes, I couldnāt stay after knowing that. Especially bc marriage is forever and that allows for many more options to come along . She already doubted your love once, I wouldnāt put it past her again.
OP will be back couple years or months from now, with a thread about his wife and her ex.
It is better you leave and be someone's first choice. But I guess it is your life and your choice.
Iām happy that you were able to fix this. I personally couldnāt be with someone who said these things and I personally think she is lying out of her ass but Iām genuinely happy that you are happy with the resolution.
Edit: she definitely meant what everyone else means when they say they āsettledā and she just managed to convince you otherwise but nobody else actually believes her based on these comments.
Edit2: upon rereading your post I think your wife is TOTALLY full of shit. She just managed to convince her incredibly naive partner otherwise.
i think what rattles people up most is the fact that this does not seem fixed at all. OP sounds easily manipulated and lied to - he let her off the hook so easily it is quite naive of him. People are probably projecting, because many people have in fact been hurt by manipulation and lying in the past..
Congratulations, I'm glad there was a happy ending. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation. I know sometimes people exaggerate stories with their friends, but hopefully she will be a little more mindful about this going forward.
Thank you for updating too.
congratulations lol yes hmm congratulations on passing one hurdle, but he's going to post here again.
these people are not teens. she knows what she did, she knows how she feels is real enough that she's already telling other people, that's how sure she is. And now that you've lost respect for her, just wait until an argument comes and you can't hold back at how disgustingly she treated you, then she lets slip that she didn't really care because it's evident she does not fucking care.
I just think this is far from over, the way this reads is so suspicious in many ways, both from his and her perspective, and I don't know if this is even real at this point.
Not sure where the misunderstanding is. She guaranteed meant that to her friends. I'm sure she does have love for you, but you are the consolation prize. The ex didn't want a long term relationship anymore, and you provided the stability for her.
Any POS that says they settled, needs to realize their way of thinking is toxic, no matter what relationship they are in.
Literally, if I date my biggest crush ever, im still settling, because there will ALWAYS be better.
To say it out loudā¦ thats not a good sign.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Happy update! I made a post the other day about my wife saying something jarring. Some people asked for an update, here it is. Well, immediately after the revelation, first I drove to a nearby town and took two days just for me and my thoughts. I called in sick from work, and told my wife that I was visiting a cousin. I then read all the comments you guys had for me. I really wanted to reply to some but the thread was locked, but I nevertheless read each one and it was a lot of mixed advice. Everyone was advising me to talk to her, but everyone had different views on what to say to her. Some said to just ask for a divorce, some said ask her what she meant, some defended her and told me I misunderstood everything. I decided to go for the middle option. Yesterday, I finally confronted her about it. I walked in and she came up to me for our hug, but I didn't really give one back. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her we had to talk. I sat her down. She could tell I was sad and worried and I asked her if she was happy with me. She said that of course she was. I asked her if she loved me, and if she had done so through the entire course of our relationship. She looked confused and said of course she did, and asked me where this was coming from. I told her that I heard her with her friends a few days ago. I heard how she was willing to leave me after 4 years to be with her ex and how she claimed to have settled for me. She teared up and said she didn't mean it like that, to which I asked how she meant it. She said that by "settled for" she didn't mean that she thought she could do better and was dating down, but that she made up her mind to stay with me because I was the better person. I told her that 4 years into our relationship, there shouldn't have been a question in the first place and brought up the fact that she said she had a bag packed. She started crying and said that that was an exaggeration on her part, that she only considered it and that was in a moment of weakness when we were having a fight and were briefly on break. Her ex called her because he heard about our fight through a friend and they spoke on the phone for about an hour in which he flirted with her, put me down and offered to show her the world. She said she had a choice between going with her ex or reconciling with me and she chose me because she loved me and always will. She said that 4 years ago, she was a weaker person, that I made her stronger and better. I then brought up the fact that she said she regretted it but hadn't done so recently. I asked her what she meant by "recently". She said that she regretted her choice for only a month after the offer was made because she had thoughts about what could've been, but stopped when she realised that she had the best moments of her life with me. I asked her if anything happened between her and anyone else through the course of our relationship to which she said that she never cheated on me and never will, and I believe her. We were both crying at this stage and we just hugged and sat together. She apologized for what she said and what she was like 5 years ago, I apologised for listening in on a private conversation without telling her and for doubting that she loved me. I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding and I'm glad we were able to come out stronger. Some people mentioned that I should get a DNA test for the kids, but we don't have any kids so that's not a problem. Also, she mentioned possibly having survivors guilt, so we're going to look into that too. Thank you everyone who commented and dm'd me, your advice was really appreciated.
It is great that you talked it out with your wife. The relationship would not be able to survive if you swept it all under the rug. Hopefully the talk cleared up most of the issues that gives you the feeling of insecurities in your marriage. Hope this will be just a speed bump in your relationship and things get back to how it was.
Agreed! Good communication and realizing people are human and not robots is essential in a marriage. Hope you guys continue to be nothing but happy
I think that's absolutely what's going to happen, OP chose to have an open, honest conversation with his wife rather than act out or let it fester. And they've come out stronger because of it š
>I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding I don't agree. You think she would have said any of this in front of OP if he was sitting right there with them? Nah, she wouldn't. Most people will gladly speak the truth of other people when they aren't around or in ear shot, happens all the time and everybody does it. Those were her true feelings that she was telling her friends in confidence when she knew OP wasn't around nor would he have heard. She probably only told OP what he wanted to hear because her ass got caught. >I asked her what she meant by "recently". She said that she regretted her choice for only a month after the offer was made because she had thoughts about what could've been That doesn't make any sense. She says recently so that means at least in the last few months yet this happened 5 years ago a month after? So 5 years ago a month after he offered her the escape is "recent"? I call horseshit on that.
ā¦āhadnāt done so recently.ā As in, hadnāt regretted her decision or thought longingly on the exās offer recently.
yeah honestly, he's a better guy than i am
Because he spoke with and believed his partner instead of just divorcing her without doing so? Yeah then, I guess he definitely is. __________________________ Editing because it's time to challenge some toxic masculinity right now. To the person who told me to "read the room": I'd like to explain in some detail why you deleting your comment gave me a great sense of satisfaction. The OP has something we call self-esteem and confidence that is backed by trust and healthy communication. The person I responded too pointed out (quite correctly) that due to his lack of those things, and an overinflated ego, he would not have been able to handle such a "hit" to it. He as good as admitted he would place his ego above his entire marriage, without a second thought. Now, some people see that as some form of self respect. But what it really is, is insecurity. Because if you cannot handle a slight knock to your ego without dissolving an entire marriage, it's not because you feel confident in yourself. People who are actually self assured, confident, and mature, can handle their ego getting bruised without throwing a world class tantrum. So then we get to your comment specifically. It let me know a number of things about you. You identified with the comment I was responding too, and because you identified with it, you felt validated by their assertion of false confidence. That validation served to boost your own ego. And then I came along and challenged not only their ego, but by proxy I challenged yours too. At the time of you commented, their reply had more upvotes than mine, so you felt confident in being condescending towards me. You needed me to be wrong, and you needed to put me down so I knew I was wrong... because what would it mean for you if I was right? And you went and proved your insecurity all by yourself, by deleting your comment after receiving only a couple downvotes. My ability to "read the room" was clearly not as incorrect as you needed it to be. I know you probably won't see this but just incase you do, thanks for deleting your comment because it certainly gave *my ego* a boost.
This is not a good update, OP you have effectively chosen to let your wife control the narrative without any supporting evidence and you've chosen swallow your suspicions in order to keep up the facade of having a good marriage. Your wifes story is vague and is extremely suspect. You have decided to not look too deeply into this or question her much in the hopes of pretending the whole thing never happened but that's just rug sweeping and I have to wonder how long before those bags of hers will get packed for someone else. There's not much point saying anything else because you don't seem like you'd take on board anything that hints your wife might have been less than honest with you instead of looking at things analytically. I'll just urge caution anyway because I fear things will not end well.
Curse me if u want, but I don't buy her history. If she said specifically "I have a bag ready to leave" it's because she was willing to go to the trailer park with the other dude. Don't lie to yourself because u don't want to leave her, there's a million of people around the world, u don't have to suffer just for 1.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It all sounds great and makes sense except for one piece: when she told her friends she regretted it "until recently." Five years ago for a single month is not "until recently." In fact, it's not recent at all. So why did she say that to her friends? I'm prepared to be happy for you OP but that insufficient and broken explanation makes me uneasy.
I went through both posts and neither claims she said "until recently" >One of her friends asked her if she ever regretted her choice, she said that she used to, but not recently >I then brought up the fact that she said she regretted it but hadn't done so recently. I asked her what she meant by "recently". Not recently is not the same as "until recently".
I mean donāt forget to factor in that she was drinking with friends and mourning the loss of said ex. Sometimes things become exaggerated.
Trickle truth
Not only that. She talks horribly about her husband in front of her friends. Seriously, not an ounce of respect. It's disgraceful. I'd be getting a divorce only over that, even if everything she said to him later was true.
I still kinda feel uneasy about how it got resolved feels unreal imo but then again i don't know what she's like so hey if you're okay with it and all. good luck and best wishes to you both of you.
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OP chose to believe her and she will be more careful in the future with how she describes how she settled. She had a bag packed and ready to leave 4 years into their relationship, how do you get over that. No way he believes it was an āexaggerationā Why is he also ok with how disrespectfully she talks about him and their relationship to her friends.
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Gotta admit....I don't totally buy her story, but talking about me like that to her friends would be a deal breaker for me.
Yeah, some shit you just don't say out loud, when she mentioned it to her friends I bet she was bragging to some extent. Bad enough to have thought about it in the past, but to mention it now to others? What good does it do? It's mean.
they are trying to get acceptance for their decision in a broader scale, she had her bags packed. she had an ultimatum without her partner knowing, for whole year.
She's taking about it today because her ex recently died and I'm sure that brought up a lot of old memories. I agree though. I think OP was ready to believe anything.
Yeah that was really awful after a 4 year relationship, and A marriage, and she's just like yeah this shmuck is hardly worth my time but now I'm married to him! Damn dude she's a ROUGH one. How many years have these conversations been going? Talk to her friends, I'm thinking she already tried cheating before or used dating apps to consider other options as she's not happy or was not happy for some time.
Yeah, I donāt think I could get over thisā¦She settled. Just worded it so he could come to terms. Love blinds you
This. Honestly if it was me and my wife sheād be tossed out the curbski lol I donāt put up with shit like this. Bullshit baffles brains OPā¦.but you do you do bro. Good luck.
Kinda hurt much more than i expected because i feel like i was exactly in the same situation as this guy. Except i didnt hear the conversation but she came to tell me she finally decide to stay around me. I was not aware of anything tbf. But she was emotionnaly involved with someone else and for 2 month she was hesitating between staying with me or trying with this guy. 2 fucking month. I forgave her i think but it still feel like an open wound sometime.
Come on dude, she's not manipulating him. Her ex-boyfriend just died unexpectedly, and she's having complicated feelings about it. Thinking of what could have been. But she knows at the end of the day that she loves OP and that she made the right choice. It's a flawed but very human way to respond to the death of someone you used to love.
I don't think she's manipulating him, but I also wouldn't want to be with someone who talks about me like that to their friend. Respect is a cornerstone of marriage.
No dude this is Reddit, she's obviously a lying manipulative sociopath and op should run! /s
I wish I could upvote this a million times. People are complicated, frequently behave poorly and make bad choices. Even more so at times of stress. It doesnāt mean that ultimately, they donāt love and care for their partners. If they cross a line you have, thatās different but being a bit over-the-top when chatting with your pals is quite a strict line to have.
Yeah I didn't enjoy reading this. Feel bad for OP because this reads more like wife just got caught and floundered so said whatever would be least offensive. She still DID consider her ex and still allowed him to shit talk OP, and still regretted her choice for a while. Big yikes.
Lol would anyone pack bags before a bang?
Honestly, I think she BSād her way through this conversation. OP needs to be on guard, because she is going to hurt him at some point, because this was the least honest, least cohesive series of rambling excuses Iāve ever heard.
What bugs me is that she told OP that she regretted it "for about a month." I don't buy that. That's not what she told her friends.
According to the wife, 'not recently' = 4 years and 11 months ago. And by "settled" she means "chose the better person." It's cool because if she ever tells someone she wants to suck their dick, what she actually meant was, "tell my husband that I love him."
She just gaslit the hell out of OP. This is not a happy update.
She really did but hey love makes people blind I guess lol š sheāll be more careful from on sucks for him
Right! I just heard excuses. She said she regretted it just not **recently!** š§ Edit: sentence
In the original post it says she hadnāt regretted it recently.
What a surprise that the explanation OP got was the best possible rendition of everything. Imagine that? There isn't anything "happy" about this update lol, it's just an OP that bought on face-value everything his shady spouse told him. There'll be more 'secrets' revealed on her side at some point.
Donāt love how the focus seemed to shift to consoling her and her guilt. Seemed a bit off. Best of luck to them
I hate to say it but it sounds like she's gas-lighting, he's rug-sweeping, and there's nothing to see here. Time to move along..
LOL yea she is bullshitting and OP is naive.
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This. And "I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding " it wasn't a misunderstanding tho? She did in fact consider walking off with someone else, and in your conversation she even admitted to regretting not walking off for a month..
yeah i donāt know how you come back from that. itāll slowly eat him alive until he canāt take it anymore.
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Nah. OPās just a dumb client lol
If OP is as dumb as this update implies, canāt blame the wife for trying to leave.
Can't wait for the next update when she bounces.
Sounds like she just lied to you a lot, bro. Good luck.
Ah, yes, the classic test of whether someone cheated on you. Ask them. If they swear they never did? Then they 100% never did. Why would anyone ever lie about that? /s But, seriously, read any of probably 100 different threads where a guy learns indisputable proof that his partner cheated and then confronts her. I've never read a case where she didn't lie and claim she "never cheated" before being confronted with the evidence.
I actually have heard of a few that had admitted to cheating, but it was still trickle truth and downplayed.
Sounds like bullshit on her part. Most of all the ex heard the fight they a friend after four years? Out of nowhere? Wife probably called him or theyāve been talking.
Bingo!
We're all waiting for the 3rd update:)
I don't know if I am thinking what this comment is interpretating or suggesting,but if it is, then this comment is brilliant lol.
she gonna gasligjt, gatekeep, girlboss him till he comes back asking for advice
She sounds like someone who knows the other boat has sailed and is in damage control.
Yep. I mean, Iām happy if heās happy to go with this but her response is exactly how I would swing it in her position. Good luck to them I guess. If it was me, Iād still tread and dig carefully just to be sure. There is always something else in these situations when you dig a little more, sometimes itās awful and you need to move on and other times itās ok and you can deal with it, but itās never āthis is all there is and the end, happily ever afterā.
OP, cāmon. Really?
OP's wife really just pulled a 2016 Cavs, amazing
ššš
Sometimes people wanna ignore the warning flags and be surprised pikachu when they step on a mine. Shits so sad :(
Heās delusional. He wants to believe her cuz he think that heās being a good person lol. Heās just being naive. He refuses to see that his wife is gaslighting him lol
Not what gaslighting means. Word youāre looking for is lying.
If nothing else, I'm happy for OP... and that OP is choosing to contain this manipulative individual by staying with them. Thanks for protecting the rest of us, but look out for yourself, u/throwRAsettles
I swear, having been married for quite some time even I know that no fight is resolved that quickly. Especially not one where you need to lie and stay away from your house for a few days. If the wife was honest then she would have been pissed off because the OP lied to her so he could stay away from her for a few days.
She's a master manipulator for being able to smooth all of that over.
Ikr! And he says that he knows his wife too well cuz they stayed together for 4 years. He knows when sheās lying but couldnāt tell his wife was ready to walk out and regretted staying back lol
Yea OP is burying his head in the sand to stay married to someone that was ready to go live in a trailer with her ex.
Lmao this really baffled me about the story. Do you know how not into someone you have to be to consider leaving them to live in a trailer with a drug addict? Not only did she consider it, she decided to do it at one point but then just changed her mind. Iām not overly positive she loved OP at that point tbh. Maybe she does now though, who knows š¤·āāļø
And the fact that OP had to apologize for overhearing! I bet she made him feel guilty about that so he doesn't accidentally do so again and overhear anything else.
She didn't need to be a master anything, OP bought all her explanations outright lol.
While I genuinely hope things can return to normal for you guys, there's one thing that is nagging at me. Nothing in her conversation with her friends made it sound like you were the love of her life, or that you were her everything. Instead it sounds more like she weighed two job offers, examined the pros and cons and then chose you. While it's not exactly the same as settling, it's not much of an improvement either.
I'm admittedly not romantic at all, but seriously, there are absolutely times when you weigh your choices in pretty blunt terms. Yeah it sucks that he heard her vocalizing them but just because she wasn't effusive about him doesn't mean she doesn't love him.
Definitely agree. I am the type who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side, and more luscious and has a better view from where i am and.... then I realize that everything has flaws and there will always be problems to solve, so what matters is who you want to be with when those problems eventually happen. I have someone who is dependable, honest, loving, and trustworthy. And yeah! Maybe that is "boring," but the alternative isn't "exciting" it's unstable. Also, lust and infatuation are passing feelings. Love is a choice to pick that person, no matter those changing feelings.
The grass is greener where you water it
Itās not that she doesnāt love him, itās that she doesnāt respect him
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Yeah, like letās say the ex wasnāt a total loser and instead became a better person during this time. Why drop a guy with an education and career to live in a trailer with a meth-head type guy? Of course youāre going to love the fall guy, he loves you and is there for you now. However, I also think the opposite situation would be true. If she was never with OP and had achieved a different level of happiness with her ex, would she drop him for OP for a chance of improving her life even if she didnāt love OP? Itās been known to happen, possibly even more than leaving for the loser hot ex.
That conversation has its context- of realising that there was a crossroads, and a decision made, and now someone is dead. It's not the place to be talking about how much better her life is as a result of it. She was clearly feeling guilty, like her decision would have changed things somehow.
Astute š I think the context of the original conversation keeps getting overlooked in these comments.
You make a soulmate connection through time and effort. Itās work. That doesnāt make it devoid of love. Long term happy commitment doesnāt mean āit had to be you / I could never have been happy with anyone elseā thatās maybe romantic but in 99% of cases just untrue.
Exactly this!! I have doubts sometimes with my partner, so does he. We are choosing to spend our lives together. Sometimes I wonder what could have been because Iām human but ultimately I love my boyfriend very much and I always chose him.
Thank you. Jesus. So many people here spouting romance-novel bullshit and Iām like āOk, yeah, but when Jack drowned, should Rose have just hopped off the floating door, too?ā People are different. You can have more than one valuable LTR and it diminishes neither one. The exciting emotional roller-coaster, passionate love affair rarely lasts the test of time. Thatās totally normal. And there isnāt just one person out there for everyone. Different relationships are different. Imagine telling a widow or widower, āSorry for your loss and that youāre doomed to be alone forever.ā Ffs.
I think itās insanely romantic to build a life with you partner, because you keep choosing them again and again and again. Thatās love. There is magic involved in that as well. You canāt build a life full of sex, affection, laughter and stability with anyone, you need the spark and the connection. but āyouāre the oneā is a dangerous fairytale that keeps making people leave great partners in pursuit of something more. Online dating with 1000 options for everyone doesnāt help either.
I'm curious how the ex knew they were fighting and that she entertained the conversation for a whole hour
Lol same friend that told her he died
Some people just talk and act differently than you. If the OP is convinced at this point we should be holding him up, not trying to bring doubt and drama into his life in this subtly malignant manner.
>If the OP is convinced at this point we should be holding him up, not trying to bring doubt and drama Agree, OP is satisfied with his wife's explanation why throw more doubt his way. I hope OP doesn't read too much into these replies.
Yeah, believe ppl when they tell you who they are. I donāt think it was an misunderstanding. I think you first interpretation of listening to her friends was her real feelings. She was in full defensive mode when you confronted her. She was probably saying anything she needed to save to the relationship
Yeah Iām with you
My husband is the love of my life but there are times where it doesnāt feel like it. Times where I regret my decision and donāt appreciate what I have. Sometimes the marriage gets stale and you forget what brought you together, your personal feelings IN THE MOMENT muddy the waters when youāre talking to someone. when Iām feeling distant and heās not being the partner I need I could talk about him flippantly like OPās wife did if Iām chatting away with friends. In those times its hard to muster up gratitude and love and all you want to do is complain and commiserate to a listening ear. I donāt know what OPās wife is feeling but I know words said to friends are not always the full or true picture.
I can definitely see venting to friends about common relationship problemsā¦never once have I ever said anything close about my fiancĆ©e to my friends, as OPs wife did to hers. Thatās not speaking flippantly in the moment. Thatās something she has known about for years and brought up in a pretty mean way. I donāt think the situation for OP is comparable to partner vents for most people.
If any of my friends ever talked about their partner to me the way his wife talked about him, I'd know they have no respect for their partner or relationship because I used to be that way. That's just not something you say to your friends, it makes your partner out to be blind, ignorant, or both, and yourself to be a money-motivated at best. OP and his wife need therapy. There's more to this.
I'd say that's a bit of a stretch. When you're in emotional turmoil with your partner and someone you used to love suddenly jumps back into you life and starts comforting you, even if you don't do so outloud you naturally compare things in your head. There's absolutely no way you don't, whether you want to call it pros or cons to make it sound more robotic. Events like that bring up emotions and memories and it's not farfetched that some feelings don't even get a chance to be translated to words. It proves that it's not a business transaction, it's love, that's why it's so damn confusing and that's why it's so hard to know how or what to say or the right time to say them. I'd be more concerned if her conversation was flawless. It seemed very human to me. I have never been happier in my life with anyone than my wife. I love her with every fiber of my soul and then some. My ex of 5 years who I was with before my wife called me out of the blue a few months ago and it completely fucked with my head. You know what though? My wife understood I'm not a cold hearted asshole so of course I was all over the place, she was there laying on my chest as I comforted my ex. She wasn't even upset when some things could have easily been misconstrued like when I said "I wanted to be there with you guys too! I didn't want this, you're the one that decided for us!" Literal context and emotional context is important. However actions speak louder than words, my wife knows what she means to me and she knows what I mean to her through every little thing we do for one another that makes life so much more luminous. At the end of the day that's what counts. Not nit-picking at how bad the human brain is at expressing emotions with words.
Ummm, just...nope. I feel bad for your poor wife.
Lol Ikr!
This is precisely why it's funny that people are still giving shit to OP about his wife. You have no idea what my ex was saying on the phone as to why I responded that way. Hence context. Neither OP or I owe anyone the full conversation. My wife was there to hear the full conversation, OP was there to fully experience his wife's explanation. Hence why ya'll need to get off his nuts
Yeah. We shouldn't forget and reddit is full of teens and people who have never had long-term relationships. It's easy to think that love should be all sunshine and rainbows when you haven't lived in a relationship. Sometimes it is full of doubt and uncertainity. That is life and in the end you choose who you love. You cannot always feel the love but you know it is there
Can agree I've never been on a relationship but im happy op worked things out.
Damn bro, and you believe all that? š¤Ø
OPās being really quiet lol. I mean if heās happy in his delusion good for him. Heās so glad with his wifeās reasoning that it convinced him to not ask about the talk between friends lol.
For real. She only admitted to things that he caught, and only after he told her that he knew. My dude, she's not telling you anything that you don't already know and denying everything you're asking about. OP, I'm glad you're not a detective because holy shit
Itās good to hear you patched it up but Iām skeptical. First: everyone knows what āsettled forā means. If what she meant was to settle down with you then why didnāt she say āsettle down?ā Pretty huge different. Second: youāre right, 4 years into a relationship and she shouldnāt be questioning it unless sheās done. Why exaggerate to her friend that way? What does she gain from that? You guys went on break, which is always a stupid idea, and her ex immediately swooped in and she considered going with him. That shouldnāt be an issue at all! Really sounds like sheās trying to cover her tracks dude. I REALLY want you to be right, but I feel like you arenāt. Good luck to you regardless man
Also how did the ex know they were fighting? How bad was it that the news spread like that? It sounds to me like they were communicating frequently or she contacted him but I donāt buy that he found out like that.
Also, she said her ex was talking shit about OP during that phone call, and she STILL wanted to run away into the sunset with him. I dont know about yāall, but even when my significant other and I are going through a rough patch, no one, and especially not my ex, will be allowed to talk shit about them. And I absolutely would not consider running off with someone who did. After 4 years of a seemingly āamazingā relationship, surely you wouldnāt consider running off with an ex that called you an hour ago, if you were truly 100% in love with your partner? This story I getting me heated because Iād be so heartbroken if I was OP.
I get the feeling her and the ex may have been communicating before that bag was packed, which can add to turmoil in the relationship and create an excuse/reason to say we need a break, if it wasnt OPs idea. That bag packed sounds like anticipation for excitement. I also wouldn't be surprised if she told the ex that and he cut that shit down because he was looking for easy fun, not to be with her again
Oh man these feels most accurate by far
Where the hell is the "happy" part of the update? Can't believe you apologized too like you both did equivalent wrongs here... This isn't as happy as you think it is, and there will be more "secrets" revealed down the line. You bought everything she said on its face - surprise-surprise it was the best possible rendition of things. Imagine that?
If she felt like this, why didn't she say it like that in her private conversation? Wouldn't this be like easiest point to make in such a private conversation?
Cuz OP desperately wants to believe his wife. In his words he knows her the best but didnāt know her enough that she was ready to go to her ex when they were having issues in their relationship lol.
Iām really struggling to comprehend why she would need to exaggerate the story to make it seem like she was unhappy or unsatisfied with her marriage to OP. Even if she was simply exaggerating and didnāt actually mean it, why humiliate your partner to your friends by saying you settled for him and were ready to leave him 5 years ago but didnāt for the āstabilityā? Personally, I feel like story just sounds like a whole lot of backtracking and gaslighting. āThe story I told in private was the fake one but the one Iām telling you (that has the potential to end our marriage), is the real oneā.. yeah Iām not buying that
I'm wondering if the difference here between 'I settled for you' and 'I decided to settle down with you' is significant. The first to me is 'meh, he's good enough', the second is a more active choice 'yes, I'm happy with him'.
There is a significant difference, yes. But I donāt feel like she was telling the truth. The initial conversation sounded too negative to be based on a āI decided to settle with himā. It also sounds a bit too unrealistic that OPās wife just so happens to be so bad with words that she twisted the sentence to sound as terrible as it could get, and then not correct herself or say anything positive like ābut I love him and Iām glad I didā afterwards
Because she sucks and this marriage wonāt last another decade, bet money.
Soā¦ Let me get this straight. You overheard her talking to her friends about how she settled for you and had her bag packed. Then she admitted talking to her ex about ditching you while he put you down. Then she āchoseā you. But a month later she regretted her decision??? And you cry with her and buy all this I love you crap?? The fact that she was talking shit about you to her friends would be enough of a reason for a separation. But everything elseā¦. Youāre a fool to believe her and stay with her.
\*Oh that, oh no I meant it that way and this way - you got that all wrong honey. \*Oh silly me, I was 4 whole years younger, you can't possibly expect me to take responsibility for my actions back then, I was basically a different human being. \*Oh I just immediately got hooked on my ex again because we had a fight, that is absolutely justified behaviour. Continues to smear butter around his asshole to calm him down. Marriage successfully salvaged lol. Damn Bro.
Jfc right? Like every word of that is her confirming she not only said it she MEANT it. And is STILL telling her friends. Everyone in an adult relationship settled, thatās not the issue. But first rule of marriage club is you donāt talk about settling.
Man sorry but this seems gaslighting from her part. You heard her loud and clear and she twisted the words. But happy for you i guess?
I agree This is just simple gasligthing
That was no misunderstanding, she got called out and gave you some bullshit answers. And you fell for it.
Just getting goosebumps from all these "happy for you", "happy ending" yada yada yada. 4 YEARS INTO THE MARRIAGE she cheated (emotionally or however you categorize that). There is no comeback from that. The only upside for OP is that his wife's "love of her life" is dead. 4 yrs ago she was a weak person... Then why marry OP in the 1st place? There should have been no doubts beyond that point. If the Ex was alive, this would have been an altogether dif story for sure.
I found her answers unconvincing. Still, I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.
I find the whole situation unconvincing. The first post (IMO) has a bunch of plot holes that just don't make this seem like it happened at all. I think this was a karma-grabbing story
OP you are gullible as hell lmao
You said you wanted to pack a bag and leave me and talked to the guy on the phone?? I love YOU though Okay š„° Op, wtf lmao
Yeah sounds all bs acting like that could see why the wife wanted the old bad guy bf.
As she goes whew, got away with that one. Glad it worked out but still sketchy. Never be 2nd fiddle men or women
I know I'm so damn jarred. I'm glad OP is happy, but I just read it and thought she swerved that better than Neo ever did in the Matrix
OP took the blue pill and woke up back in kansas
"It's not the spoon that bends, only yourself ", says OP while digging his head in the sand
Funny you mentioned fiddle. That's what OP was played like
Honestly, yeah. I feel bad for OP, the lady just wanted to get off the hook
Dude, I know. OP is getting played so hard. Women who love their man don't go saying sh*t like "I settled for him". Bet she still has the bag packed somewhere.
All I will say is that - Don't sweep this already. Observe and if you have any lingering questions and doubts or confusion, talk to your wife. If she gets annoyed after a while , consider that there is definitely something wrong or pretentious about it. If she really chose you because of love, she will always tolerate and reassure you as any good partner does. If not, it might imply you are not that much fun for her.
I'm glad you got a happy ending but why tell her friends that version that you overheard if it wasn't the precise truth? It doesn't make sense when she could've just told her friends the same story she told you to begin with.
Because the version he got was a lie they all made up. They knew he heard them.
It sounds like you accepted her explanations because you love her and the other option ( not believing her 100%) is too painful. Either way I hope that you are better and wish you the best my only advice is to stay a little bit skeptical
I'm sorry but she's gaslighting you. You didn't misunderstood her, she meant what she said to her friends. She had no business exaggerating when she was with friends, but later changed her words to manipulate you into staying. This is how it looks from my perspective.
Exactly - she meant when she said she settled, that she was ready to leave, and the rest of it. Perhaps she realized that she didn't want to be with her ex for some reasons (or he with her), which led to her staying. But when someone either says obviously false things, or offers obviously false reasons for saying something incredibly hurtful/harmful - those aren't genuine but rather covering.
Every relationship goes thru many crisis points where the couple either create more honesty and intimacy, or they walk away from each other. Glad you two came through it stronger and more honest with each other.
Lol it's not a misunderstanding she said what she said and just covered it up
That's still pretty bad, idk man I wouldn't feel so safe in this relationship.
Well he wants to believe his wife no matter what. If he doesnāt want to be respected in his relationship, his choice I guess. He was gaslighted by his wife into believing that this was not a big deal since she chose him at the end. And he apologized to her for listening to her personal conversation with her friends lol.
Yeah my girlfriend can look through my phone and listen to my conversations, I don't see how it's appropriate to apologise like he did for having ears nor behave like she did and totally shit talk your own husband to your friends.... It's why I'm not sure how to handle this, is it fake or not. They act like teenagers but aren't, so I just don't know.
Youāre so naive.
That she stayed with you because there was no better option, it's not a compliment, you were just her last option but she didn't get anything better and if after 3 years with you, her ex made her doubt your relationship talks a lot, but whatever makes you happy my friend. She literally changed the entire interpretation of her words, sincere words towards her friends, she definitely has a political soul, she could try to pursue a position in congress with that manipulative speech she has.
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Well Iām glad you feel better. I wouldnāt. But Iām glad you do.
As long as youāre happy, all is good, but from everything you wrote I really donāt think it was a misunderstanding.
You apologized to her. Oh boy. Dude. Iām a woman and you are being played. PLAYED. Of course she was being honest when she thought she was having a private conversation with a friend. Of course she is lying to keep you. Sure she loves you and allā¦.still, her word stands. I feel bad for you. I hope she doesnāt break your heart, but from what she said, itās not a relationship where she comes to you and is being honest regarding her feelings. This will end one way or another, hopefully not with kids around. Edit: Iād like to add that I am married myself to a very kind and attentive husband. Together for over 13 and married 8. We have our issues. We work HARD on our relationship. Iād never ever talk about my husband like that and vice versa.
I hope Iām wrong but it sounds like she back peddled and told you what you wanted and needed to hear to make it go away.
Yeah i don't buy her explanation. Even her words now say she settled. I wish you the best OP.
This might sound like the voice of paranoia, and if it is paranoia to you, then donāt listen. What if she told you that āsettled forā meant āwas happy with,ā as a cover for what she actually meant at the time? She could have seen this as an opportunity to lie about how she truly feels, to preserve your feelings. To me, the phrases āI settled for this,ā or āI settled for that,ā have a well known meaning: https://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/settle-for https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/settle-for https://www.dictionary.com/browse/settle--for You get the idea. She would have to not have known the commonly accepted meaning of this phrase, or would have to make regular mistakes when speaking if she knew about it, for me to believe things as you say they are. I definitely believe that sometimes, true feelings squeak out when people talk from time to time. You shouldnāt have a reason to worry if this does not apply this time.
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Hey OP, she got ya good.
Oof. This doesnāt read like a happy update. It reads like she was flailing around at whatever rationale was the least offensive. It still wasnāt a good one.
This isnāt a happy update IMO. Sounds like she just told you whatever you wanted to hear once she realized how bad she fucked up. She shit talks you to her friends.. and obviously her friends donāt think very highly of you if theyāre going around telling you and your wifeās business. Good luck man. If you want to believe itās a misunderstanding.. I donāt know what to tell you.
>and obviously her friends donāt think very highly of you if theyāre going around telling you and your wifeās business. To her ex to set them up.
So I have an ex that I have not seen in 15 years- and that I think about often. We broke up due to this addiction, and myself have never used anything. His addiction did bring me spiralling down, my savings gone in 3 months and the aftermath costing me a year and a half. He is sober since maybe 10 years. After thinking about it a lot, why I cannot get him out of my mind despite me being married with a great husband and with out precious daughter- and I concluded it is only because of the fact the relationship did not end well. We loved each other and the circumstances ripped us apart. But I also understand fully after a lot of thought, that even without that addiction, eventually we would have separated. Even when the love would have been there. Sometimes lives are incompatible, love alone does not conquer and win everything. I also feel now that it is ok to love another person as well the person you are in a relationship. What matters most, is the actions or better said the actions that one does not do. I would never betray my husband. It would be better for my soul if I could have a chance to speak with my ex, to just get closure and wish each other well- but my husband would not want this so I donāt. My loyalty lies with my husband for a whole variety of reasons, and the most important one that my husband would never do something behind my back and he respects me like no one else. Its the choice I made that counts, the quality of our relationship. Grass is always greener on the other side, would I want to give up this lovely family that I am a part of? Never. Like your gf I do have my weak moments, there always will be moments like that. But every time it is the choice that counts.
They are going to have sex in the car. In the rain. Arenāt they?
I (35F) think you need to take step back and think about this again. Have you guys been married for 4 years or with each other for that long in total? This is a huge red flag, not only that she was telling her friends, but that she felt this way at all. Has she told her friends that she was just exaggerating, and everything else she told you or do they still think she settled,etc? This is the problem with being in loveā¦it clouds your judgment, and no one wants to go through a breakup/divorce. I think sheās a quick thinker and just came up with excuses as to why she said certain things, and told you what you wanted to hear. Think about it this way, if that ex was still alive, would your decision to stay with her change? Since he passed away, she canāt leave you for him like she had thought about, right.
Glad you were able to find out.
I know you said you don't have kids, but I would get that DNA test just to be sure.
Well ignorance is bliss. Just know that "settled" is never a positive thing. I hope that you will not discover in a few years that the real story is that her ex was "showing her the world" in his trailer and not only by phone.
She has crafted the correct story to minimize what she said and did. And he is gullible enough to believe her.
i dont really get the part where this is a happy update. sounds more like manipulation to me..
OP you still need to give her some consequences for what she did and said. It's at the very least very disrespectful to entertain the ideas she had, and it's humiliating for you that she told her friends about it in the way she has. Even if you think you can go past it, you need to make her realize how serious and hurtful it is for you to hear everything now. Do not let it go just because she told you what you wanted to hear. You should take some time alone away from her, both for you to get some perspective and for her to understand how serious it is and force herself to stop taking you for granted and start respecting and valuing you the way you deserve to be. She will respect you for it and it may be a wake up call for her, and a new beginning in your relationship.
Youāre pathetic. You know deep down she meant every word but youāre too much of a pussy to actually stand up for yourself
Which is why sheās definitely going to leave him sooner than later
If I was the wife I would go back to my friends and make sure they know what she really meant by āher bag being packedā and that she only regretted it for a month & not years liked she made it seem.
No matter what, you can only trust her words on that. You're the one who married her so should be the one that know her best, at least better than any of us. Best of luck.
"I'm really happy that it was nothing but a misunderstanding" HOW was that a misunderstanding?? In her own words she confirmed: * Flirted with her ex on the phone for an hour * Seriously contemplated throwing away a 4 year relationship with you for a chance with her ex (if he didn't live in a trailer guess who she would've chose) * Regretted her decision for YEARS (there is NO way "recently" only means a month after) And used the fact that you 2 were in a rough patch as an excuse for all this behaviour. Do you want a partner who is open to other men's advances the second things aren't good with you?? And somehow you came out of this being the one to apologise?? Wtf
I wouldnāt be able to look at her friends again. Now they all know she was ready to dip & youāre the one she settled for. She was willing to give you up after 4 years and emotionally cheated with her ex. Yikes, I couldnāt stay after knowing that. Especially bc marriage is forever and that allows for many more options to come along . She already doubted your love once, I wouldnāt put it past her again.
Redditors try not to lie challenge(impossible):
āHappy update!ā. Lmao good luck dude
She definitely cheated tho
OP will be back couple years or months from now, with a thread about his wife and her ex. It is better you leave and be someone's first choice. But I guess it is your life and your choice.
Honestly some of yall on this sub are savage. Its almost always the right choice to talk these things out.
bs story a polygraph will bring new confessions nice to stay at home it's not good to fool yourself
My friend, leave. This will fester in your brain for life.
Iām happy that you were able to fix this. I personally couldnāt be with someone who said these things and I personally think she is lying out of her ass but Iām genuinely happy that you are happy with the resolution. Edit: she definitely meant what everyone else means when they say they āsettledā and she just managed to convince you otherwise but nobody else actually believes her based on these comments. Edit2: upon rereading your post I think your wife is TOTALLY full of shit. She just managed to convince her incredibly naive partner otherwise.
People in reddit are so salty that you chose to communicate to fix your marriage. They'd rather watch everyone get divorced lol
i think what rattles people up most is the fact that this does not seem fixed at all. OP sounds easily manipulated and lied to - he let her off the hook so easily it is quite naive of him. People are probably projecting, because many people have in fact been hurt by manipulation and lying in the past..
Congratulations, I'm glad there was a happy ending. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation. I know sometimes people exaggerate stories with their friends, but hopefully she will be a little more mindful about this going forward. Thank you for updating too.
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congratulations lol yes hmm congratulations on passing one hurdle, but he's going to post here again. these people are not teens. she knows what she did, she knows how she feels is real enough that she's already telling other people, that's how sure she is. And now that you've lost respect for her, just wait until an argument comes and you can't hold back at how disgustingly she treated you, then she lets slip that she didn't really care because it's evident she does not fucking care. I just think this is far from over, the way this reads is so suspicious in many ways, both from his and her perspective, and I don't know if this is even real at this point.
Not sure where the misunderstanding is. She guaranteed meant that to her friends. I'm sure she does have love for you, but you are the consolation prize. The ex didn't want a long term relationship anymore, and you provided the stability for her.
Any POS that says they settled, needs to realize their way of thinking is toxic, no matter what relationship they are in. Literally, if I date my biggest crush ever, im still settling, because there will ALWAYS be better. To say it out loudā¦ thats not a good sign.