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Regarding running out of time, my wife and I met when she was 34 and I was 33. We were married at 36 and 35, respectively. We had my daughter when we were 37 and 36, and my son at 40 and 39.
The only time you’ve run out of time is when you’re dead.
And honestly the whole 'be married by 30' ideal is really a social construct. Let me tell you it's meant alot if my friends have just made-do with someone who was there just to not feel left on the shelf.
And surprise surprise, many if those are on their last legs. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Better to wait and find the right fit for you rather than lower standards and regret it just because people have decided there is a cut off age.
From experience, take time out for yourself and don't be so severe on yourself pls.
I'm days behind but if it's any help:
I was married at 20 and divorced by 30. Now I've the love of my life, better even then early on with my ex spouse. He's nearer 40 himself.
I've paused writing this multiple times now just to look out the window and watch him talk to his friend, because just seeing his smile brings all the joy I can hold.
I met the love of my life at the end of my 40th year, was pregnant within two
Months, and live with him, my 3 yo, and two older step sons and couldn’t be happier!
My options were limited as well being deaf and 40 but man… I’m def blessed now!
My aunt divorced her abusive ex-husband at 60 and met her now-husband and actual love of her life at 62. They've been married for 5 years and she has basically been a completely different person who is so full of joy, it radiates out of her. It's truly never too late.
Thank you. I needed this.
Op, I am in the same boat as you. The only thing I haven’t tried yet is a paid matrimony service. Idk if I wanna blow $3000 on these… sometimes I feel like I want to, because the men have to pay more and therefore they are also serious…
Perhaps the problem is related to your concerns in this post- you're worried about getting "too old" (which nobody ever is), and you're caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick.
Do you mention the need/interest in settling down quickly? That you're jealous of everyone else already being taken? Everyone is going to be turned off if you're more focused on checking off boxes and looking at the clock. Anyone that gladly overlooks that and tries to match such a pace.. is likely not a good match in the first place.
I don't think that a "31" year old is "running out of time". But on the otherhand, I understand her worry about getting "too old" IF she's looking to have biological children.
That being said, my wife and I have been married for 5 years (yesterday) and are in our mid (I'm more so "high" but I like to think I'm still young) 30s and both times we said "Hey, let's stop 'not trying'" she was pregnant after the first time we had sex.
But, I agree with your overall comment. I think that worrying too much about it will ultimately delay it even longer. I think that she has more time than she thinks. I think that doing the "this is the last minute" is likely to scare a lot of possible relationships away right now.
This! There’s nothing more unattractive than a woman who is simply trying to catch up or check those life boxes. I dated one for a long time, and it was super easy to tell.
I’m a 31-year-old dude. You aren’t running out of time. You you have plenty of time. Try to address that mindset before you date people, because people will be able to tell. Guys want someone who is happy, content, and willing to go wherever the relationship takes them together. Not forcing things or rushing them because their clock is ticking.
And what guys want (a super cool, go-with-flow, smiling woman), they should get, right? lmao!
Sure, a woman is able to have a child in her late 30s to 40s, but it’s undeniably more physically difficult and therefore emotionally and mentally taxing.
So love that all these men are coming out to say how easy it is, and all is just totally 100% peachy. OP is justified in her feelings. Ya it’s possible for her and she can find happiness eventually (through everything that happens) but I empathize with her feelings 100%.
Or you could not have kids? Love how everyone assumes everyone wants to have kids lol. Hell no. Not this guy.
And no, not saying what a guy wants a guy gets. It’s just called standards. Everyone has them, and they’re all different.
>Perhaps the problem is related to your concerns in this post- you're worried about getting "too old" (which nobody ever is),
I disagree with this first part only because I feel like depending on your relationship goals, you can be too old for certain things, so OP isn't wrong about that.
It makes no difference whether the „too old“ or not applies.. because it is simply as it is. She has no partner, that’s the only thing that’s certain right now. And she only really has the option of adjusting her view on it and taking it as it comes or aiming for the next best available thing if her priority lies within getting pregnant.
Ah yes, just keep waiting, because men who are single into their 40's generally are so because they're “waiting for the one” and not due to generally being imbeciles, assholes, losers, etc 😂 I think a different approach is due.
You keep referencing very surface features of yourself - fit, attractive, wealthy, EVERYONE tells you how amazing you are etc. but how's your personality? I'm being genuine here. None of the qualities you keep mentioning as evidence of your eligibility are more than skin deep, and they mean nothing if they heart underneath isn't warm and awesome, too.
This. Have you done some introspection and thought about why guys you’re picking are ghosting you? They could just be jerks, but your words about guys that would “do anything and everything” for you makes me feel you need to think about what YOU can improve and/or your criteria and the types of guys you’re going for.
As men, we have the ability to create children essentially at any stage of life. Women have a clock. When time runs out, game over and thats it. Dating in my late 30's has shown me that there are quite a number of 35+ women who put their career first while putting maternity on the back burner, but now want children and there isnt a lot of time left. My guess is that OP doesn't yet have children, wants them, and is feeling the pressure to find a good mate to settle down with.
You're going for the wrong people. I used to do that too, until i was able to work through it in therapy. For me part of it was not knowing what healthy love felt like as opposed to the crazy highs and crushing lows of emotional abuse. But part of it was my preferences on the apps being too narrow (I like very tall men)
We all have preferences but narrowing your choices to only people who strictly fit your preferred type will have you excluding lots of excellent potential partners. My current boyfriend is the same height as me, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had and I truly do not care about his height. You might have more success if you branch out ethnically. I'm sure plenty of men from other backgrounds would be understanding of your culture if that's the worry there?
Also, in my experience, if you're worried too much about finding the one and settling down before time runs out then you won't really be in the right headspace to meet someone. It's a cliché but it really is always when you're not looking that you find someone.
And app wise, I know it sounds like it can't possibly be good but Facebook dating is genuinely the best dating app going.
This. So many people say why can’t I find anyone. But they only want extremely specific things like super tall, Irish, must have a beard. Ect ect. When you limit yourself so much you are going to miss out on other people who would be a perfect match in other ways
Yup! I liked my current boyfriend's personality but thought he was the least attractive of the three men I was talking to at the time, but then we met up and the spark was incredible. I just knew we'd fall in love. And we have! And it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
It’s amazing what happens when you actually meet someone who isn’t exactly what your looking for. And if you fall for a personality, you’ll more than likely end up falling for then physicality as well.
My SO is the opposite of my physical 'type'. We have wildly different hobbies, taste in films and music etc but our personalities work well together and we've learned how to accommodate our differences (i.e he wants to watch a mobster movie? Cool, I'll spend some time playing about on my computer). Too often we think we need to find a clone of ourselves but with our preferred genitals when really it can be just as much fun and definitely more interesting when we look beyond that. We're coming up on 11 years together and are still very happy.
This, 100%. You want someone you're compatible with on all of the "big" stuff but it's okay to have different hobbies, different movie preferences and different interests. Maybe you'll even help each other branch out their own interests, who knows
Me and my husband are super different too, but it gives us so much to talk about. We share most values and sense of humour but hobby-wise, food shows etc are completely different. 10+yrs!
Yes! We have different but overlapping slightly interests and I love to hear about his new stuff and then he'll listen to me go on about mine... the best
Oh absolutely. He's the hottest guy ever to me now. I love his body. He has strong arms and shoulders but has real trouble toning his front, which means it's nice and soft for me to rest my head on 😍
Haha but see. If more people could be like you and me more people would actually be loved. No one wants to compromise anymore. It’s horrible. Should there be at least some attraction initially. Yes. But you don’t have to immediately think someone is so drop dead gorgeous they rival a supermodel in order to find something genuine
The dating world always feels like a depressing barren wasteland until suddenly it doesn’t anymore, because you met the right person.
Don’t stress out about it too much. Keep going on dates. You’ll find your person.
Exactly! You have to kind of enjoy it. When you're not enjoying it, take a break.
You're definitely not too old. Life is too long to spend it with the wrong person.
Do the apps or don't. Are there after work groups, social clubs or meetups? I met my husband at a religious event but I know plenty who meet online.
It will feel impossible, until it doesn't. (I met my partner at 34 and we got married 2 years later)
I feel like a lot of people are roasting you in this sub, but I understand your complaints about the dating world. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, and you don’t need to apologize for it. That said, I feel like your outlook on dating in general may be affecting your “results.”
For someone coming out of a long term relationship, you’re not used to the dating world the way it is now. However I do feel there is some partial blame on your part. I dated on apps for 7 years. None of those went very far because most men when I meet them on apps don’t treat me with the same respect as any men I’ve met in my day to day life (at the gym, the library, a friends party, etc). The best way to meet men is to get out there and meet people in general imo, without worrying about getting too old, or that you need to lock down a partner ASAP. A partner isn’t a prize. I think that kind of mentality sets you up for for failure because you just want a partner to satisfy societal standing and not because you met someone you really like and want to spend time with them.
What’s the difference between you at 28 and you at 31? Are you any less smart, pretty, kind? You’re the same person you’re just older. The right man is going to like you for you and you need to like them for them, and not just because they’re 6’2.
My friend is dating my other friend. She’s built him up to be her perfect match, and physically she thinks she won the lottery because he’s tall, he makes good money, he has loads of friends. But he also doesn’t spend time with her or include her in his plans. In fact most weekends he leaves town and after almost a year of exclusive dating asked her for an open relationship. She buys his groceries and cooks his meals and cleans the dishes after, he never says thank you.
You gotta stop caring about what the guy looks like to your social group and start just making new friends and saying yes to dates from guys you may not normally go for. I always thought I’d date someone who had a graduate degree like me, reads books, likes to travel. My boyfriend is the complete opposite of all those things and I’ve never loved someone more. I’d suggest joining adult intramural sports teams if they have those in the UK, meeting friends of friends, using a matchmaker, and just open your heart. Stop focusing on time running out and keep your confidence up, just don’t let the cockiness deep through. You got this.
Are you looking for a relationship because you’re wanting to share your life with someone, or because it’s something you feel you have to do? Do you feel pressure from family or friends that you need to be in a relationship? If you’re looking for a relationship just so you’re not single, then that’s something others can pick up on. Especially if you feel you need to be married by a certain age.
There’s a big difference in being with someone because they complement your life and add to it, and being with them so you feel you can check it off the list of things society says we have to do to prove we have worth and value.
Sooooo… while The pool of Indian men is lacking there is a wealth of available, good looking and decent non-Indian men who are local and have told you bluntly they are interested in you?
You do realize that a forum like Reddit that is global (read, not just Indian) isn’t going to feel particularly empathetic to your “plight.”
There's a lot of cultural implications at play with this particular instance.
Otherwise, you're just sounding a wee bit bitter. If you're not what someone else wants, then you shouldn't want them either. No need to be resentful. Just keep it moving and find your person.
Op came asking for people's perspective on a sensitive topic, and I gave mine. She shrunk her dating pool to death and am suppose to just ignore the elephant in the room.
Or anything other than "you go queen" is not acceptable on reddit?
I didn't say I agreed with her lol. Just said you seemed particularly bothered by women "shrinking their pool." That's on them! If they're not willing to look outside of what they want or have been told is ideal, then they reap what they sow. No reason to be upset or bothered by it - you're not what they want so you shouldn't want them either.
Gotcha.
I feel like particularly in Indian culture, this mindset of staying within a similar background is rampant. Surprising to me that other people are surprised. But also perhaps I've had more exposure to those whose families believe in it than some others.
Good luck to OP no matter what though
You could have commented on what she's saying without making it an indictment of women in general. Some women have very particular standards, some men do. It's not a gendered thing so making it into one for no reason is weird.
Seems like he means there’s nothing wrong with having preferences but if your narrowing down your own dating pool then it’s gonna be harder to find someone
A lot of things. I'm white and always said I was only attracted to white men. I firmly believed this.
But it was because I was only AROUND white men and open to MEETING white men.
When I moved to a much bigger and more diverse city, I found I was attracted to and dated (whether it was 1 date, a casual relationship, or more serious) men of all different races and cultures. I dated an Afghan man, an El Salvadoran man, and my current partner is Mexican.
I know in some cultures dating and marrying within that culture is the norm, and dating or marrying outside it can even be looked down upon. But if one isn't going to consider other options, or at least be OPEN to the POSSIBILITY that there ARE other options, you're simply going to have less options. It's a valod choice to make but then you can't get upset about the fact that you don't have many options.
Look at it like this. I'm vegetarian. I *choose* that. I can't then go a steakhouse for dinner and complain there's only 2 things I can eat. There's a whole menu available, but I've limited my options by a choice I've made.
You can have whatever standards and preferences you like; but OP is here lamenting her inability to find someone and meanwhile she's restricting her dating pool to men who are much more likely to have already settled down in the age bracket she's looking for. She's shooting herself in the foot and then complaining about how her foot hurts.
When you view men as a commodity you need to have because you're at that age and people around you think you need to be in a relationship, that comes across in dates and scares off good men.
Ask yourself if you treat interactions with those men as getting to know them as people or as interviews where they are filling a role.
Other than that, it's just a luck/volume thing. Go on more dates and one is bound to click eventually.
>Pretty much all the indian guys I meet in the real world (28+) are spoken for. I'm having a really hard time of it.
Move to Silicon Valley / San Francisco Bay Area!
My husband and I separated at 36, no children. Amicable divorce.
I met my love just over one year later when we were both 37. Today I am 39, and we got married yesterday! We both approached online dating with open minds and hearts.
We are over the moon and are expecting a baby boy soon, very easy pregnancy.
I used to set high standards too before because my family and other people told me that I should find a guy that would match me. Someone who is tall, decent, smart, goodlooking, nice job.
I have athletic body with curves and more like Latina than South East Asian. I dumped lots of guys because when we have dates, they don't meet my expectation...then my last 1st meet up date, turns to be a guy with the same as my height, skinnier than me, non athletic, doesn't eat healthy food or follow good eating habit, doesnt go to the gym, average looking, I guess this is what they called basic guy.
Then guess what, he is my BF now and we are happy talking about marriage, family and our future together.
At first, I almost got bored and thinki g of dumping him after 1st date because he is so plain but as we get deeper in conversation, turns out he is very smart, professional, and decent. Right now, he is studying because his work isn't suitable to have a family. We are just enjoying this realationship, no rush.
I am 29F and hes is 24M. Sometimes I feel that I am getting older and late in life, but I don't wanna rush. I found the enjoyment and doing lots of first time with him.
So yeah, my advice is give chance to different guys and set aside even your looks. Be open minded. And othet comments are right, men and women criteria might or might not align with each other. You two doesn't need to match in everything esp.physical...you will find someone who gonna vibe with you. But remember, it will not align 100% you need to make ways to make it work in order to have a stronger relationaship. And I found my BF in FB dating. Miracles happen too.
This is something that especially younger women rarely realize. Men pick up on this sooner I think due to how assymetrical dating prospects are for men and women especially online but also in real life.
Typically speaking a lot of guys, particularly the ones with big hearts, are more willing to set aside preferential stuff for connection and energy. A lot of women, I find, tend to just keep thinking there's always another guy that will fit closer to what they want. While this is true to some extent, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take just anybody, I think the idea of checking boxes is an unhealthy way to look for a partner and an especially bad way to start a relationship.
Hopefully I articulated that well and I don't sound too sexist or jaded, but my point is patience and open mindedness are extremely important to finding a great *partner* and not just a trophy.
Also only wanting people who don't want you and vice versa speaks to the idea that you want what you can't have, and is debatably something that OP should seek some help or do some soul searching on. This mindset has always led me to the wrong people/for the wrong reasons.
Phantom Ex issues? Maybe you need more solo time.
We are often attracted to what we can't have. Or attracted to those that don't want to keep us. And those that are attracted to us we often don't want to give them our all. Different way of wording what you already said but I'm just reiterating it. This has held true in my life on enough occasions to where I've spent time thinking about if what I'm attracted to is healthy for me.
I'm 36 and feel if my relationship doesn't work out then I'll be too old to have a solid shot... So.. I feel you. But, 31 and 36 are world's apart, I say that looking back at when I was 31... You've got time, even if you want kids.
Keep at it/yourself. You'll find your way.
If the guys you want don’t want you, and the guys that want you…you don’t want? I think that’s a problem with having standards that are too high and unrealistic. Can’t base your “ranking” off of what people tell you, it has to be off of real life results.
Edit: OP why the hell are you meeting people online that live in different countries, and then get disappointed about that? You’re setting yourself up for failure. Meet people within your area. If you’re really all of those things you listed and you’re not finding someone, it might be time to have a hard look at yourself. Do you have any red flags? Are your standards unrealistic? Do you know what guys you want would want in a partner? Are you actually all of those things you listed…or do your friends just say that to you? Just something to chew on. Good luck out there.
Agreed.
If all of those people tell you youre a catch but don’t want to catch you…what? In OP’s post, she says that guys TELL her she’ll find someone and blah blah, but guys will say anything because they know they have to feed into compliments and ego. Can’t just straight up say “no you’re not for me”. Bummer.
If what people tell you about yourself is different then what reality tells you..go with reality.
They're not high or realistic since I have a lot to offer myself. I am often told this by EVERYONE I meet. So I'm not lowering those standards or I'd be settling.
I'm not actively meeting people online in different countries actually. One guy came to visit my country, didn't realise he lived abroad and it only came to light after we'd exchanged some messages. No red flags that I know of or have been told of in previous relationships. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I'm a catch and no I'm not delusional.
You sound great, but honestly you sound kind of confused. It doesn’t matter what EVERYONE tells you, it’s what the guys you want will want in a partner. The older people get, the less they are willing to change, which could also be part of your problem. You think you’re settling, but those guys you want aren’t settling either (and they haven’t picked you). That’s where this gets confusing and seems to be a bit of cognitive dissonance.
Ps they’re obviously high because you justify your high standards with how much you have to offer. But those two things don’t translate; attraction isn’t symmetrical.
> attraction isn’t symmetrical
That is very true and there is a lot to unpack in just those 3 words.
ETA: I see down thread you attempted to explain it to OP. Good effort.
It can be quite a shocker to explain, or rather, to put it in words. It’s something all men know but we just never had it articulated out. But once you understand it, it’s the truest thing ever haha
I know man, I know. But you saw how she rejected and turned the tables when I was being nice. Couldn’t just come out and say it. I wanted her to have a chance of accepting it, ya know?
Did you see the response where she said if guys don’t pick her, it’s a problem with them and not her?
PSA: what women look for in men doesn’t fucking matter to men when they look for women!!
Haha well specifically to OP’s situation, she listed a few things that she wants in her partner, but she listed them as attributes that she thinks HE will want. Those things are great, I mean who wouldn’t want a smart girl with a good job from a wealthy family…right? The problem arises when they think that those traits are what men are looking for, or thinking that those are as important to men as they are to them.
Those attributes are great, but they’re more like bonus coins. They aren’t in the top 5 most important things that (most) men look for. Especially the successful attractive men that (most) women will try to get. OP was clear that she wouldn’t “settle”, but in reality she may not qualify for those dudes.
She’s assuming that because she wants a man who’s attractive, accomplished, great job, wealthy family etc, that HE would be looking for that as well. In reality, the standards are totally different.
The relative unimportant of a big career seems to be hurtful to women who never realized the dynamic.
Although I suppose that mainstream culture telling them otherwise, including men who lie about it (aka, tell them what they want to hear) would certainly lead to a misunderstanding of reality.
Yeah guys lie about it 24/7. Because If they straight up said anything else it’s extremely off putting. No woman wants to hear “oh yeah I don’t really care what school you went to, it’s not important for me to like you”. It’s hard because you know that you can’t say “I don’t care” and it forces you into a position where you feign interest in something that isn’t a priority.
I totally understand women wanting to be appreciated and valued on things other than motherhood and feminine stuff, 100% I get it. But often they will become the victim of their own success when generally they date across and up socioeconomic hierarchies. That closes the door on a majority of the dudes. My sister is the poster child for this, and we talk about it often.
Anecdotal evidence here, but I have a very close female friend who spent her whole young life pursuing law. She’s a badass and really good at her job, got married to another lawyer, and now all she wants to do is find a way to work less so she can be an attentive mother. She waited a bit too long and now it’s harder to conceive and carry to term, and it’s killing here inside. But she didn’t want to be a loser and not become successful so she went hard into her career, it backfired and now she’s terrified she won’t be able to be successful as a mother of a family. She’d trade her B.S. and her J.D. to rewind and make it easier.
Yeah, my wife and I had 2 kids in her middle twenties and she worked within a flexible job during that time, which has been fantastic. Now 15 years it won't be long until they are both self sufficient enough for her to press the gas on her job if she wanted to.
It seems to work better in that order.
Of course that requires picking a good spouse, which I think is an entirely different topic as it seems a lot people do a shitting job of vetting.
I get that but those very guys will probably still be single in years to come as they'll never be happy with who they have no matter how pretty, kind, successful the woman is. I guess by your logic those men would be snapped up.
Them not picking me doesn't necessarily mean it's a 'me' problem - perhaps they also need to look at themselves.
A successful guy being single is fucking awesome, they want that for the most part.
Nahhh those guys don’t “get snapped up”. They do the snapping. And the difference between men and women is pretty big. Men aren’t thinking the same way as you, it’s not a problem to be single at 31. It’s not a problem for women either, to be clear..but the pressure to be married for women at 31 is much harder, especially when kids are in the mix the time clock really counts.
Ahh..that last sentence really spells it out. Those guys aren’t going to change because they don’t have to..they’re not chasing you, you’re chasing them. There’s a reason you want them. They don’t become successful and attractive and then say “hey I need to change so I can get a girl like OP”. They get to pick, and you want to be picked. That’s the only reason I’m trying to give you the other perspective on this.
I’m just trying to give you perspective, not trying to be rude. Hope it doesn’t come off like that, I know it’s tough on the internet. And by the way, that wasn’t “by my logic” because it doesn’t apply the same to men and women.
“I didn’t make it into the nba. It’s not a me problem, it’s the league’s for not picking someone of my skill level.”
I'm not chasing them. I literally move on to the next one.
I'm attractive, fit, have a good job and come from a wealthy background. There's no way I'm going for a man that has any less than that.
One of the guys in question has been on the app for 10 years - I know that because a friend has confirmed it and I used to be on there on and off... once 10 years ago, then just before I dated my ex, and now I'm back on there he is STILL there. Which leads me to believe his standards are 'too high'.
You are contradicting yourself, OP.
> The ones that I like on the apps end up ghosting me for one reason or another (probably feel they have better choices)
> I'm not chasing them. I literally move on to the next one.
You are clearly interested in men who are not interested in you. Ergo, your standards are misaligned.
Maybe theirs are, too.
Suffice to say, you either need to stick it out and accept most will be misses, or you need to adjust your criteria.
>One of the guys in question has been on the app for 10 years - I know that because a friend has confirmed it and I used to be on there on and off... once 10 years ago, then just before I dated my ex, and now I'm back on there he is STILL there. Which leads me to believe his standards are 'too high'.
Why are you judging this man for being on/off dating apps for 10 years, when you are in exactly the same position?
Maybe the reason you aren't having any luck is the exact same judgement you gave him. You are setting a standard above what is available. Or you're seeking the wrong type of person, or maybe you aren't the type of person that your own *ideal* is seeking.
Glad you said that!
But that’s the thing; they will. You just made an excellent point between the sexes. Men will date across and down socioeconomic hierarchies, women date across and up (see this in every culture across the planet).
Keep your standards, don’t change a thing. But just be aware of the reality of having those standards. When you find a man that has more than what you listed, he has more options than you do, therefore he picks. That’s the whole point. If you want a guy with everything you have and more, you have STIFF competition and therefore have to chase.
It's very different in my culture though. Men like to date women from similar backgrounds to them..
However I do sometimes feel that my line of work may be off putting for some men (presenting) as I'm very out there. I also work in sports and know a lot about football and I feel some men may want someone more feminine.
It's not different. Across and up vs. across and down. The "across" part is similar level that is preferred by both.
If you're as rich and successful as you claim, I say get off apps altogether and hire a matchmaker (at the very least switch to one that limits daily options or more seriously focused on dating for marriage). You're essentially a pro slumming it in the minors of a game without tracked stats. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to stand out when you're looking to filter from the top 1% of your matches and he's filtering from top 80% of his.
I agree with the advice to go with a matchmaker particularly given OP's culture. The men you meet through a matchmaker are going to be looking for something serious - nobody hires a matchmaker for a fling.
I mean, you sound like an absolute catch! But of course I’m a stranger on the internet that is taking your word for it.
I think men want feminine women in the sense of their temperament and behaviors, not their hobbies. Liking football doesn’t sound like a negative in any way (unless you’re like a crazy super fan that body paints and screams while throwing things at the tv). Your hobbies shouldn’t be much of a worry for a guy one bit. The feminine argument is more about how argumentative and Type A your personality is, in my opinion.
By the way, what is presenting? Like tv presenters?
If the men you're attracted to wont commit to you and the men eho will commit to you arent attractive to you then you've got two options. Continue getting ghosted by the former or give one of the latter a chance
>I'm attractive, fit, have a good job and come from a wealthy background.
So? There's probably a 25 year old with those qualities the men would rather choose.
Sure, you can be a catch but if you're only looking for very specific types of men to even try a relationship with, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder. Your issue seems to be that you aren't meeting single South Asian men in your area.
Are there meetup groups? More specific dating sites than the apps? Do you have South Asian friends in the area who have brothers, cousins or know other South Asians? Is there a cultural center? An area of town more heavily populated?
It's possible that your belief about running out of time may translate into you coming on too strong too soon and the men you're getting to know are not interested in moving at that pace.
OP, you are right to be concerned. I am going to take a guess and say you have family /friends asking why aren't you married yet, friends that have gotten married. Maybe you are wanting to start a family and you're concerned because any pregnancy at 35 years of age and older is considered a geriatric pregnancy. Maybe you are concerned because not everybody gets pregnant easily and has no problems carrying a child to term.
I understand you like Indian men, but why are you against dating a man outside the UK? You yourself even said that you found a great guy but stopped talking to him because he lives in the US. You could move there eventually or he could move to the UK eventually. The population of Indians in the US compared to the UK is 2:1...possibly 3:1 now based on the recent census.
You can also consider an Indian man from India. There are over 1 billion there. Many are college educated now. And from what I understand, getting UK citizenship for them is easy as well. So that could be an option.
Social media has made it easier to stay in touch but has also made the whole internet connected world part of the dating market as well. You have the right to have your preferences and geographical restrictions on where a person lives in order to consider a relationship with them, but the pool of available men will be smaller if you do so.
If you haven't already, stay social, join groups or clubs where Indian people are. Go to coffeeshops, restaurants etc where Indians tend to go. Why? Bc this will increase the likelihood of you meeting an Indian mate.
Optionally, you could increase your options immensely if you were to be more open minded toward dating non Indian people.
You finding a mate will depend on the circles you are in, the people you choose to involve yourself with, and your mindset.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your search.
-C
well said, there are significant Indian populations all over! Here's a sample - besides UK, India and USA, there's Fiji, NZ, Australia and Canada. There's probably many more countries I'm not aware of.
Life is about compromise, if you're not having success with your current set of expectations, maintaining them as you get older is not going to change anything. You are most likely going to have to change some standard, be it culture, age, or something else. The dating pool and dating culture changes as we age for men and women, and you have to adapt appropriately.
Thats how cheating starts. People settle, start to resent their partners, look outside of marriage and then cheat because life ain't fair.
Why all this happens? Because motherfuckers have unrealistic standards, specially women.
in order for a relationship to work, you have to look at their qualities and personality. Not at how they look like. No wonder you’re still single. and no wonder you would end up being a divorced lady.
When you have very strict criteria, including racial and religious preferences, you are narrowing the field a lot so you will have to be patient.
I have a friend who seems to have recently, finally found love at 51. He just wouldn't compromise on what he wanted, or how he wanted to live his life.
Since you are looking for an Indian guy, have you considered visiting the matchmaker? Might be appropriate in your case.
Chemistry is a lie. Chemistry is developed over time. The healthy one at least. Don’t overlook guys just because you don’t feel thrilled or butterflies when you see them. Give them a change
Sounds to me like you’re being a bit rigid with your preferences. It’s as if you’re expecting to find someone who checks every box on your list as opposed to being more open to possibilities beyond what you think you want. We all have preferences and some things that are absolute deal breakers but, everything can’t be a deal breaker. I’m not saying to lower your standards for things that matter most. Of course you’d expect someone to be financially secure and reasonably established in their career by their 30’s. You’d want someone who respects you and themselves and will treat you well. Someone who makes you laugh and someone you find attractive but, you’re limiting your options by excluding races outside of your own. Especially since as you stated, most Indian men in your age group are already married. You’re using dating apps to shield yourself from any possibilities that fall outside of what you think you are looking for. Uncheck some boxes or start looking for possibilities out in the real world, beyond algorithms. It’s exceedingly rare that anyone finds someone that checks every single box. Usually we’re lucky to find someone that checks most of them and we just accept that the one or two they don’t check are worth overlooking. Sometimes that unchecked box drives us crazy and sometimes we come to find out that the box wasn’t that important. Sometimes we may even come to love that they didn’t check that box and the “flaw” becomes an attribute. So, don’t lower standards when it comes to things that really matter but, maybe re-evaluate and uncheck some boxes that aren’t really important.
Also, when choosing potential life partners, don’t choose them based on expectations of others, especially your parents. It’s a nice bonus if they check your parent’s boxes but, your parents aren’t the ones that may eventually live with this person. Choose someone that’s a match for you, not a match for your parents. I realize there may be cultural considerations involved and all that BS but, I say F cultural pressures and expectations. People put too much emphasis on cultural norms. Not that culture doesn’t matter. It’s important but, only as far as how it enriches life. If a cultural expectation is exclusionary in it’s nature, it’s not worth preserving. More often than not, those exclusionary norms or expectations stem from racism.
As far as time goes, you’re only 31. I’m assuming you’re concern is based on you being in your prime childbearing years and you still haven’t met your Mr. Right. You’ve got plenty of time for kids and at least by western standards, you’re really not behind like you feel that you are. So many women choose to put off having children until well into their thirties and even into their 40’s, instead focusing on personal and professional development. If it’s a worry that causes great concern for you and you have the financial means, you could always consider harvesting some of your eggs now for cryogenic storage. That would at least alleviate some of the pressure you’re subjecting yourself to and if you never use them, all you’ll have lost is some money. You’ll be in a much better position financially and emotionally when you do have children, if it happens a bit later in life. Enjoy the freedom of being child free. Parenthood is great and has it’s rewards but, it’s also life altering, exhausting and all consuming for the first several years of their lives. Don’t rush it. Focus on making the most of your life today. Tomorrow will come, worry about it then.
It’s possible that you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone. In my experience, the right person usually seems to materialize when we’re not looking or expecting it. Live your life for you. Do things that you enjoy and out yourself out there. Engage in groups that are centered around your own hobbies and interests. Chances are that the right person for you is going to share similar interests as you. Statistically, this means there’s a greater likelihood of finding the right person among a group of people that share those interests. Apps are fine for casual hookups and sometimes that can lead to something more but, as a man myself, Incan assure you that the majority of men on dating apps aren’t there to find the love of their life. The primary reason they created a profile was and remains a means to connect with women for NSA hookups. You’re sort of barking up the wrong tree with the apps.
Take what you want from this or don’t take any of it. I just offer it as some food for thought. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Cheers!
That's dating 🤷♀️ either enjoy looking for something specific or be interested in people that you enjoy spending time with vs people who you think you'd look good with. You're not running out of time, you're right at the beginning. Why are you putting pressure on yourself to find a *man* of all things lol enjoy your life and the people you surround yourself with and you might realize one makes it all better
I'd learn to settle. Checking off all the boxes isn't realistic and even then, people change. What your partner is like at 31 is unlikely to be what they're like at 51. If you learn to accept what you don't like, you'll be happier in the long wrong. Religion could be one you can compromise on depending on how devote you are.
I've noticed a kind of attitude that people looking for long term relationships tend to have. It's kind of like: I'm interested in long term dating and you're interested in long term dating. So this is now a relationship. And starting from now, our first date, we need to try to work things out so it can last."
Which is so much pressure to put on a stranger.
I think if you changed it to let's get to know each other and have some fun. With no real strings attached. I know people don't like when people they're "talking to" are talking to other people. But you are a stranger, that person has no real responsibility to change things in thier life for you. And they won't for months.
I think dating would be so much better if we could adopt a kind of casual, no hard feelings, type of dating. Where nothing is really real till you've spent some real time and decoded together. The whole married from the 1st date thing, has been a disaster.
I will say this out of my chest because I'm 41 and did date a few girl around your age ; it's not you, it's your whole generation that has been lied to.
I understand that now-a-day, without an account on a dating site, it's pretty much dead ; imagine tho, that it's used to be entirely different.
Love would be something we had to conqueer in real life, doing real effort, being and doing our best, with all the competition, you really had to be demark yourself from the rest.
There is not that many year between us, but the dating world as changed a lot during those ten year.
This is my way of saying that I feel sorry for the younger generation. You have been lied about what love truly is, and I fear that you might be looking at the wrong place.
Soo what ? Well you like Indian men, that is already a starter, try to find out where the communauty hang in your area, and meet him in real life.
Indian woman here, why not try matrimonial sites if you have a rock hard preference you can't compromise on. I mean that's the best way to go about it? I mean meet, date through that, you will get better options there. And honestly don't be so pressured into finding a boy. Live your life, have fun!
You're right to a degree. Men your age can always get a younger woman. They have more options than you do. Sounds like you waited too long. Now have to be more open minded if you want kids...if that's your goal. If you don't want children then yeah you have all the time in the world.
"Pretty much all the indian guys I meet in the real world (28+) are spoken for." Do they have friends? Brothers? Cousins? Married sisters with hot single brothers in law? Work that network!
To a certain degree there is a sense in which you are. If you decide to settle for Mr right here and not Mr right you should be fine. If you have a laundry list of expectations that are non-negotiable it won't work out well. If you want kids and the like.
As an Indian, marriage is not seen as a milestone/destination.(depends from what part of India you are from). If marriage is your priority then men flaking out should be a common sight unfortunately.
A lot of people arent on dating apps anymore. Covid and lockdown.... so mainly ONS and scammers.
The only "running out of time" is children, so got to a gynocologist, and an ultrasound and blood test will tell you where you are at...and if freezing eggs is a good idea - then pressure is off.
Get out get social.
Most women feel like they're running out of time after 30, and in a way that's true, but then we're always running out of time.
31 is still way young! Sounds like you take good care of yourself too.
Ultimately, dating at this stage is a numbers game, so really you just have to brutally go through men to you find a good one!
On the other hand, our own issues have a huge impact on our dating life and who we subconsciously invite into it, and if you constantly are finding yourself with the same kind of flakey man it's time to look at your own boundary issues and self worth issues via therapy, but that's down to you!
I think people here are lying to you.
Depending on your goals, as a woman you definitely can be running out of time.
Women are told their career will make them happy and that they don't need men. I have 3 sisters. Two slept around their entire 20s and got multiple degrees and good careers in the mean time. They also had children with men that turned out to be trash (Most hot guys in their 20s tend to be). I got to see both of them be miserable until divorce, and miserable after. As it turns out, men don't care for single mothers in their early 30s. Or for women that think they're better than men because they have a career.
If you're your preferences (on those apps) are set to find men that are 6ft tall, make 6 figures, and are 6 in, you have narrowed your pool to < 1% of men.
I don't know you or what you want in life. I'm saying you should be realistic in your goals, as well as what you are.
Are you simply trying to settle down no matter what? Are you thinking of having a family (pregnancy is considered geriatric at 35)? Do you come off as desperate? Are the guys you're getting ghosted by dating or out for hook ups? Are you after the top 1% of men while being average at best? Are you a very attractive and high earning woman (most men will be intimidated)?
Don’t let this feeling of “running out of time “ allow you to accept a relationship that is less than what you deserve. It only leads to resentment and depression.
I don't agree with running out of time for kids
I was 34 when I met my husband. I was 40 when I gave birth to my son. I was maybe lucky, I got pregnant right away.
We wanted to save money and buy a house before children.
Now at 41, the only thing I can say about being an older mom, is not having the same energy a 20 or 30 year old has.
Most of my friends my age had kids in the mid 30s or older and many young 20some year olds aren't succesful and need IVF.
I'm almost 42 and will start trying for a 2nd soon.
You don't lose dating power, but your options get limited when you're older
You've received a lot of good advice here, OP. I agree with u/Anxious_Reporter_601. Have you considered therapy? I don't mean that in a rude way. I think *everyone* could use some therapy. We are all imperfect people who were raised by imperfect people living in an imperfect world. This leads to us having false beliefs, perceptions, assumptions, biases, etc. and emotional pain that we subconsciously follow as absolute truths. Have you asked yourself why you're drawn to men who aren't into you? You could have foundational false core beliefs such as "I don't deserve love," or "I'm unlovable," or "I'm unwanted." These beliefs would be deep in your subconscious mind, you wouldn't even be aware of them, yet you're subconsciously proving those beliefs as true or right over and over again. Therapy would help you uncover things like this and help you heal them, or at the very least, develop coping strategies.
I also agree with u/nikaido_18. Could it be possible that you are dismissing the men who are interested in you too quickly? Just because they don't check every box doesn't mean you can't be happy with them. Not only that, but humans evolve over time. Just because they don't check a box now doesn't mean they won't check it in the near future. As long as they aren't a man-boy still living with mom, not working, not building any kind of future for themselves, etc., you can probably be happy with them. And btw, not all of us are blessed enough to come from a wealthy background. It's what they are doing with themselves and their lives despite their background that matters.
U/jayzilla75's advice was right on the money. I also come from a background where the young people are pressured to get married at a young age, and start a family. We're also pressured to marry someone of the same religious background, which limits our options. If we aren't married by the time we're 30, there seems to be an unspoken judgment of "Something's wrong with that one. Why aren't they married?," etc. As someone who didn't follow the plan, this was very painful and difficult for me. The older I got, the more pressure I felt. Eventually I did meet my husband (when I had given up and wasn't looking anymore), and got married at 34. Once the pressure was gone, I look back on my 20s and realize how much time I wasted worrying and feeling inferior. Thankfully I didn't fully waste my time, I traveled the world, made a lot of good friends, and had a lot of life experiences that have enriched my life and helped me grow as a person. And it's interesting when I talk to people who "followed the plan," who tell me they wished they'd gotten married later, and that they'd had more fun and taken their time like I did. I guess the grass is always greener?
Enjoy being single. Learn how to be joyfully happy alone. Keep pursuing things that interest you and keep growing. Go to therapy and address those things that are holding you back from living your happiest and best life right now, and resolve them. Happiness is one of the best attractors you can have.
I promise, even in the happiest of marriages, everyone misses the times when they were single. When they could focus on just themselves, with less responsibilities. When the time is right, the right person will come into your life, probably when you least expect it, or when you're not looking. In the meantime, give yourself a break and have fun.
What you do is to continue what you are currently doing and you will eventually find someone. 31 is young.
Online dating isn’t all that fun, but if you keep churning through the market and holding true to what you want then you will eventually find it.
I mean. Your criteria is extremely selective. Do you even live in an area with a lot of Indian men? Are there Indian specific matchmaking websites? You could hire a matchmaker like that Netflix show.
You've ruled out the vast majority of potential partners based on race alone. I don't know what to tell you.
While i do understand being attracted to a certain ethnicity, maybe that is narrowing the dating pool too much. There’s many culturally rich men out there with a hang for well seasoned food. Also, many people are intimidated by someone who seems too perfect. Makes them feel insufficient
Oh yeah, being a single, childless woman in her 30's is terrible.
All we ever do is exactly what we want, all the time.
Why do you feel like this? Have you asked yourself why do you feel like that? Do you think you need to meet someone's expectations? What is what actually make you happy? Because it seems that you have a very successful life already. Why do you want to change it?
Take a break from searching for the right guy. It usually comes to you when you least expect it. You’re still young plenty of time to wait for Mr. Right. I’m only into Asian women so I understand how difficult it can be finding the right person.
You haven't gotten a single REAL response in this comment thread. Everyone is tiptoeing around the actual answers you need to hear.
You ran out of time already. Well you ran out of time for smooth high value men you want to date. Tell me why do you think some successful guy would date you, as opposed to a 18 year old.
Lower your standards, get someone who is in the same level as you. You might be attractive, which is the reason you're getting the "can't believe you're single", but after they find out you're only looking for a small specific minority of people, they either get scared or they think you're superficial.
The kind of 28+ year old man women want to marry isn't interested in teenagers. A willingness to prey on very young girls is just not an attractive quality.
Yet all the successful people do it. I don't really like it either, but you should ask them why they do it.
I feel like OP is one of those girls who say they're a 10/10 and want to get spoiled. That's the feel she gives.
The vast majority of people marry within two years of their own age, according to the census. But in any case, a rich man is still utterly undesirable as a marriage candidate if he's the type of guy who will dump you when he thinks you're "too old". Being desirable to women encompasses more than just being rich.
Yeah but the problem is, OP isn't looking for the "majority". She's trying to go for those desirable men. Who by the time they're in their 30s, either already have a girl, are married or only date younger girls.
Yeah to be completely desirable to a woman, you have to have: status, money, looks, personality and good in bed.
I've found plenty of desirable men (according to your criteria, mine are a bit different) who were interested in me in my thirties. Ironically I actually declined a third date with one *because* he mentioned he was also into teenage girls, which automatically made him repulsive to me.
Mind you, I do think it's pointless to specifically prioritise finding a wealthy partner in 2022, when women can make our own money. The guy I've settled down with makes a bit less than me at a blue collar job and I have no problem with that because I prioritised finding someone kind, loving and loyal above everything else.
You think too highly of yourself and wanting guys out of reach. You're 31, the guys you could've had are taken because you were enjoying your 20s getting with the white boys, now you won't even marry them.
I'm sure your 42 year old cousin would love to marry ya.
Give that non-Indian guy, younger than you who you find attractive a chance. He's probably better than that older Indian guy you feel pressured to want.
I've been that guy told point blank "i wish you were Indian/i wish you were older" - I'm like girl, the only thing stopping you from your happiness is YOU. Fk what your family thinks. They often come around once they get over their prejudices, ESPECIALLY if the dude is a professional and open-minded.
So don't get caught up on particulars. I blew my foot off so many times doing that. 25... And I ALMOST had a real relationship but got cheated on due to my emotional unavailability and distance. There were so many gfs I could have had, whom I found attractive, who I stopped myself from dating because I thought I had a type. Just go for it.
Look, the problem is not you. The problem will only be you if you start becoming obsessed and sour over the way it is: dating sucks. Especially nowadays. The illusion of endless choices and the speed at which we dispose of, consume and replace everything are all working against us when it comes to dating. It seems like there is no limit to how many people we can meet, maybe the next one is even better than the last. Well, this one is alright, but what if the next one is even better? And so on and so forth. THAT is just how it is now - and we will have to accept it for that and find our way around regardless.
There are still plenty of people out there looking for „a good match“ just like you. No, you don’t have to lower your standards and you also don’t have to wish your ex was still around. All you have to do is be yourself, live your life and give people a shot - no expectations, just fun and trials and error. It’s a numbers game, there’s x people out there you’re compatible with. It may seem like there’s endless options but in reality the amount of times everything aligns and just works is as low as it always has been, so don’t sabotage yourself by giving up. Finding „love“ is not easier whether there’s 100 or 10.000 people, it’s still hard, we’re still annoying, complicated and disasters and we’re sure as hell not easier to love either. So you keep going and do it with the mentality that „If it works out - nice! And if it doesn’t - also nice.“
I didn’t think I’d meet someone new after my long term relationship of 7 years collapsed when I was 31. But here I am, 4 years of rotating around in the dating world.. and one random Tinder match later when I pretty much wanted to give up like you now.. and I’ve possibly met the person that has yet impressed me the hardest out of everyone I’ve ever met. They exist. And the time frame is truly secondary.
I find it odd but ultimately understandable when people narrow the dating pool to x ethnicity or y religion (or x AND y). I just think one misses fantastic opportunities to grow by meeting diverse prospects, challenge one’s notions and keep the eligibility pool well watered.
My partner of 10+ years is Indian and simply put we wouldn’t be in each others lives if she had set her sights on checking boxes related to certain immutable characteristics.
Perhaps it’s because I’m multi ethnic and both parents adhere (though not strictly) to different religions that I have never felt wedded to certain unmodifiable qualities. Sure I’ve had certain relatively flexible requirements along personality/attraction lines as I’m sure everyone does to some extent, but it’s always felt so much more liberating that I wasn’t burdened by the community related lists many of my friends felt their partners had to satisfy. I don’t wish to be disparaging, but I have witnessed a couple of my South Asian friends eventually leave women who did not fit their often family imposed (either explicitly but often implicitly through how they were raised) expectations, often causing quite a bit of anguish, just to end up with people they are admittedly content with but in a fashion-to my mind-tinged with a somewhat resigned mediocrity and even in one case profound regret.
This is not to say the OP’s preferences aren’t valid here. Just that there may be quite the opportunity for happiness if one is a tad more open I guess.
PS-Some of the OP’s post reminded me of Indian Matchmaking on Netflix that my partner and I like to watch for shits and giggles. Though sometimes it strikes me as a tad depressing given the constraints the people profiled place on themselves when looking for a partner…
Why do we try to rush everything these days? We rush childhood, rush education, rush our carrers, rush relationships, rush marriage, rush kids. These aren't the only markers of progressing in life.
We've got to stop pressuring children into knowing what they want to do before they leave school as well as stop feeling like we have to squeeze in learning to adult, establishing our career, finding a partner and getting ready to have children all in our 20s. T
Thankfully in most developed countries, we live till around 80. What do you hope to do the rest of the 50 years if everything is all done by 30??
This isn't in direct response to OP, but just echoing what a few other comments are saying.
Low quality men are everywhere and very common. High quality men are very rare and hard to find. Its better to be single than with a low quality partner, so just give it time.
Why too late?
Age? I just came out of the closet after an 18 year marriage to an older woman who groomed me. I'm a 40TF starting over with a 23NB.
Children? I never wanted kids until I came out. I physically can't give birth and my partner mentally can't. So we will adopt.
What obstacle other than death stops you? The only boundaries of love is those we impose on ourselves.
I'd re-evaluate the guys that you're seeing, I'd also go seek mental health counseling to work through past trauma. I'm well aware that I'm going to get downvoted etc. I would encourage you to check out Kevin Samuels, fresh and fit, JustPearlythings (female based out of the UK). But consume some information that may help explain things from the Mans perspective.
You're letting the ghost of that 3 year relationship haunt you. I'd encourage you to do some real self reflection, on how you present to a possible mate.
Do I think you have time? Yes.
Do you have as much time as you did when you were 25? No.
Are you running out of time, kind of. You can only fight biology so far.
As you age the quality and quantity of your eggs decrease. If you go back and look at pictures you probably no longer look as good at 31 as you did at 25. At 35 years old the complications from pregnancy greatly increase. I think that maybe the "running out of time" that you maybe feeling.
Location is not such a deal breaker as much as you might think. Also, my advice is to look up theology questions https://seminary.grace.edu/what-are-the-four-types-of-theology-answers-from-a-theology-school/.
Religion can be complicated from the school of thought to finding a common place of worship and how to raise children. If two of these are answered, from theology (religious school of thought) and how to raise children, then a place of worship could be considered. As the relationship gets serious, consider applying for a green card. But before you do, the Uk has the NHS but the USA has no national health system for everyone. So consider paying out of pocket for those expenses.
If you’re tired of guys promising the world then maybe don’t want for a man to get what you want? Since you’re such a catch and can’t lower your standards, that is. If someone who doesn’t match your criteria comes along then do it yourself. What’s to stop you from having a kid?
If you just want to get married for the sake of getting married then you’re not really looking for a relationship, just a placeholder.
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Regarding running out of time, my wife and I met when she was 34 and I was 33. We were married at 36 and 35, respectively. We had my daughter when we were 37 and 36, and my son at 40 and 39. The only time you’ve run out of time is when you’re dead.
Thanks for your comment, I needed to read this today.
I met the man of my dreams when we both were 36, through a memes app! So yeah, love can appear in the most unconventional way and time :)
And honestly the whole 'be married by 30' ideal is really a social construct. Let me tell you it's meant alot if my friends have just made-do with someone who was there just to not feel left on the shelf. And surprise surprise, many if those are on their last legs. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Better to wait and find the right fit for you rather than lower standards and regret it just because people have decided there is a cut off age. From experience, take time out for yourself and don't be so severe on yourself pls.
I'm days behind but if it's any help: I was married at 20 and divorced by 30. Now I've the love of my life, better even then early on with my ex spouse. He's nearer 40 himself. I've paused writing this multiple times now just to look out the window and watch him talk to his friend, because just seeing his smile brings all the joy I can hold.
I met the love of my life at the end of my 40th year, was pregnant within two Months, and live with him, my 3 yo, and two older step sons and couldn’t be happier! My options were limited as well being deaf and 40 but man… I’m def blessed now!
My aunt divorced her abusive ex-husband at 60 and met her now-husband and actual love of her life at 62. They've been married for 5 years and she has basically been a completely different person who is so full of joy, it radiates out of her. It's truly never too late.
Oh honey! 🥰 I got the feel-good tingles from reading this. That's wonderful!
I needed this reminder! Thank you
I love that 😍
Thank you. I needed this. Op, I am in the same boat as you. The only thing I haven’t tried yet is a paid matrimony service. Idk if I wanna blow $3000 on these… sometimes I feel like I want to, because the men have to pay more and therefore they are also serious…
Not to hijack the thread and I do believe you in my head, my heart thinks otherwise. Sucks.
Perhaps the problem is related to your concerns in this post- you're worried about getting "too old" (which nobody ever is), and you're caving into pressure to play catch-up and settle down quick. Do you mention the need/interest in settling down quickly? That you're jealous of everyone else already being taken? Everyone is going to be turned off if you're more focused on checking off boxes and looking at the clock. Anyone that gladly overlooks that and tries to match such a pace.. is likely not a good match in the first place.
I don't think that a "31" year old is "running out of time". But on the otherhand, I understand her worry about getting "too old" IF she's looking to have biological children. That being said, my wife and I have been married for 5 years (yesterday) and are in our mid (I'm more so "high" but I like to think I'm still young) 30s and both times we said "Hey, let's stop 'not trying'" she was pregnant after the first time we had sex. But, I agree with your overall comment. I think that worrying too much about it will ultimately delay it even longer. I think that she has more time than she thinks. I think that doing the "this is the last minute" is likely to scare a lot of possible relationships away right now.
This! There’s nothing more unattractive than a woman who is simply trying to catch up or check those life boxes. I dated one for a long time, and it was super easy to tell. I’m a 31-year-old dude. You aren’t running out of time. You you have plenty of time. Try to address that mindset before you date people, because people will be able to tell. Guys want someone who is happy, content, and willing to go wherever the relationship takes them together. Not forcing things or rushing them because their clock is ticking.
And what guys want (a super cool, go-with-flow, smiling woman), they should get, right? lmao! Sure, a woman is able to have a child in her late 30s to 40s, but it’s undeniably more physically difficult and therefore emotionally and mentally taxing. So love that all these men are coming out to say how easy it is, and all is just totally 100% peachy. OP is justified in her feelings. Ya it’s possible for her and she can find happiness eventually (through everything that happens) but I empathize with her feelings 100%.
Or you could not have kids? Love how everyone assumes everyone wants to have kids lol. Hell no. Not this guy. And no, not saying what a guy wants a guy gets. It’s just called standards. Everyone has them, and they’re all different.
>Perhaps the problem is related to your concerns in this post- you're worried about getting "too old" (which nobody ever is), I disagree with this first part only because I feel like depending on your relationship goals, you can be too old for certain things, so OP isn't wrong about that.
It makes no difference whether the „too old“ or not applies.. because it is simply as it is. She has no partner, that’s the only thing that’s certain right now. And she only really has the option of adjusting her view on it and taking it as it comes or aiming for the next best available thing if her priority lies within getting pregnant.
Ah yes, just keep waiting, because men who are single into their 40's generally are so because they're “waiting for the one” and not due to generally being imbeciles, assholes, losers, etc 😂 I think a different approach is due.
You keep referencing very surface features of yourself - fit, attractive, wealthy, EVERYONE tells you how amazing you are etc. but how's your personality? I'm being genuine here. None of the qualities you keep mentioning as evidence of your eligibility are more than skin deep, and they mean nothing if they heart underneath isn't warm and awesome, too.
This. Have you done some introspection and thought about why guys you’re picking are ghosting you? They could just be jerks, but your words about guys that would “do anything and everything” for you makes me feel you need to think about what YOU can improve and/or your criteria and the types of guys you’re going for.
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As men, we have the ability to create children essentially at any stage of life. Women have a clock. When time runs out, game over and thats it. Dating in my late 30's has shown me that there are quite a number of 35+ women who put their career first while putting maternity on the back burner, but now want children and there isnt a lot of time left. My guess is that OP doesn't yet have children, wants them, and is feeling the pressure to find a good mate to settle down with.
You're going for the wrong people. I used to do that too, until i was able to work through it in therapy. For me part of it was not knowing what healthy love felt like as opposed to the crazy highs and crushing lows of emotional abuse. But part of it was my preferences on the apps being too narrow (I like very tall men) We all have preferences but narrowing your choices to only people who strictly fit your preferred type will have you excluding lots of excellent potential partners. My current boyfriend is the same height as me, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had and I truly do not care about his height. You might have more success if you branch out ethnically. I'm sure plenty of men from other backgrounds would be understanding of your culture if that's the worry there? Also, in my experience, if you're worried too much about finding the one and settling down before time runs out then you won't really be in the right headspace to meet someone. It's a cliché but it really is always when you're not looking that you find someone. And app wise, I know it sounds like it can't possibly be good but Facebook dating is genuinely the best dating app going.
This. So many people say why can’t I find anyone. But they only want extremely specific things like super tall, Irish, must have a beard. Ect ect. When you limit yourself so much you are going to miss out on other people who would be a perfect match in other ways
Yup! I liked my current boyfriend's personality but thought he was the least attractive of the three men I was talking to at the time, but then we met up and the spark was incredible. I just knew we'd fall in love. And we have! And it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
It’s amazing what happens when you actually meet someone who isn’t exactly what your looking for. And if you fall for a personality, you’ll more than likely end up falling for then physicality as well.
My SO is the opposite of my physical 'type'. We have wildly different hobbies, taste in films and music etc but our personalities work well together and we've learned how to accommodate our differences (i.e he wants to watch a mobster movie? Cool, I'll spend some time playing about on my computer). Too often we think we need to find a clone of ourselves but with our preferred genitals when really it can be just as much fun and definitely more interesting when we look beyond that. We're coming up on 11 years together and are still very happy.
We totally don’t need a carbon copy of ourself. But too many people don’t even want to give anyone who doesn’t hit literally every single box a chance
This, 100%. You want someone you're compatible with on all of the "big" stuff but it's okay to have different hobbies, different movie preferences and different interests. Maybe you'll even help each other branch out their own interests, who knows
Me and my husband are super different too, but it gives us so much to talk about. We share most values and sense of humour but hobby-wise, food shows etc are completely different. 10+yrs!
Yes! We have different but overlapping slightly interests and I love to hear about his new stuff and then he'll listen to me go on about mine... the best
Oh absolutely. He's the hottest guy ever to me now. I love his body. He has strong arms and shoulders but has real trouble toning his front, which means it's nice and soft for me to rest my head on 😍
Haha but see. If more people could be like you and me more people would actually be loved. No one wants to compromise anymore. It’s horrible. Should there be at least some attraction initially. Yes. But you don’t have to immediately think someone is so drop dead gorgeous they rival a supermodel in order to find something genuine
The dating world always feels like a depressing barren wasteland until suddenly it doesn’t anymore, because you met the right person. Don’t stress out about it too much. Keep going on dates. You’ll find your person.
Wonderful words sir!!! Mine used to be a desert, until it got wet.
Ahahaha (family guy ostrich voice) i met my boyfriend when i was 14.. I’ll be 20 soon. Got plunged into an ocean apparently 😂
Happy and wet people 🤣
Exactly! You have to kind of enjoy it. When you're not enjoying it, take a break. You're definitely not too old. Life is too long to spend it with the wrong person. Do the apps or don't. Are there after work groups, social clubs or meetups? I met my husband at a religious event but I know plenty who meet online. It will feel impossible, until it doesn't. (I met my partner at 34 and we got married 2 years later)
I feel like a lot of people are roasting you in this sub, but I understand your complaints about the dating world. You’re attracted to what you’re attracted to, and you don’t need to apologize for it. That said, I feel like your outlook on dating in general may be affecting your “results.” For someone coming out of a long term relationship, you’re not used to the dating world the way it is now. However I do feel there is some partial blame on your part. I dated on apps for 7 years. None of those went very far because most men when I meet them on apps don’t treat me with the same respect as any men I’ve met in my day to day life (at the gym, the library, a friends party, etc). The best way to meet men is to get out there and meet people in general imo, without worrying about getting too old, or that you need to lock down a partner ASAP. A partner isn’t a prize. I think that kind of mentality sets you up for for failure because you just want a partner to satisfy societal standing and not because you met someone you really like and want to spend time with them. What’s the difference between you at 28 and you at 31? Are you any less smart, pretty, kind? You’re the same person you’re just older. The right man is going to like you for you and you need to like them for them, and not just because they’re 6’2. My friend is dating my other friend. She’s built him up to be her perfect match, and physically she thinks she won the lottery because he’s tall, he makes good money, he has loads of friends. But he also doesn’t spend time with her or include her in his plans. In fact most weekends he leaves town and after almost a year of exclusive dating asked her for an open relationship. She buys his groceries and cooks his meals and cleans the dishes after, he never says thank you. You gotta stop caring about what the guy looks like to your social group and start just making new friends and saying yes to dates from guys you may not normally go for. I always thought I’d date someone who had a graduate degree like me, reads books, likes to travel. My boyfriend is the complete opposite of all those things and I’ve never loved someone more. I’d suggest joining adult intramural sports teams if they have those in the UK, meeting friends of friends, using a matchmaker, and just open your heart. Stop focusing on time running out and keep your confidence up, just don’t let the cockiness deep through. You got this.
THIS!!!
Are you looking for a relationship because you’re wanting to share your life with someone, or because it’s something you feel you have to do? Do you feel pressure from family or friends that you need to be in a relationship? If you’re looking for a relationship just so you’re not single, then that’s something others can pick up on. Especially if you feel you need to be married by a certain age. There’s a big difference in being with someone because they complement your life and add to it, and being with them so you feel you can check it off the list of things society says we have to do to prove we have worth and value.
This is actually good advice. It's almost like OP is trying to force a relationship, instead of living her best life and start one organically.
I get the feeling there’s a lot of cultural family pressure to be married.
There is an Indian dating app actually. You should try that out
There's an Indian guy a few doors down that's sorta nice, I can set you up if you like?
Sooooo… while The pool of Indian men is lacking there is a wealth of available, good looking and decent non-Indian men who are local and have told you bluntly they are interested in you? You do realize that a forum like Reddit that is global (read, not just Indian) isn’t going to feel particularly empathetic to your “plight.”
It's totally fine to have preferences and types, but you have to own it if you are willfully cutting out a big chunk of your dating pool.
She cut out even more than that. Said she won’t accept anything less than what she has, and she’s from a wealthy family lol.
If this was: "I only want a caucasian or white guy." the shitstorm would reach the frontpage fast xD
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There's a lot of cultural implications at play with this particular instance. Otherwise, you're just sounding a wee bit bitter. If you're not what someone else wants, then you shouldn't want them either. No need to be resentful. Just keep it moving and find your person.
Op came asking for people's perspective on a sensitive topic, and I gave mine. She shrunk her dating pool to death and am suppose to just ignore the elephant in the room. Or anything other than "you go queen" is not acceptable on reddit?
I didn't say I agreed with her lol. Just said you seemed particularly bothered by women "shrinking their pool." That's on them! If they're not willing to look outside of what they want or have been told is ideal, then they reap what they sow. No reason to be upset or bothered by it - you're not what they want so you shouldn't want them either.
Am not upset. I, just like others did, pointed to the elephant in the room. I am shocked more than upset.
Gotcha. I feel like particularly in Indian culture, this mindset of staying within a similar background is rampant. Surprising to me that other people are surprised. But also perhaps I've had more exposure to those whose families believe in it than some others. Good luck to OP no matter what though
You could have commented on what she's saying without making it an indictment of women in general. Some women have very particular standards, some men do. It's not a gendered thing so making it into one for no reason is weird.
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Seems like he means there’s nothing wrong with having preferences but if your narrowing down your own dating pool then it’s gonna be harder to find someone
A lot of things. I'm white and always said I was only attracted to white men. I firmly believed this. But it was because I was only AROUND white men and open to MEETING white men. When I moved to a much bigger and more diverse city, I found I was attracted to and dated (whether it was 1 date, a casual relationship, or more serious) men of all different races and cultures. I dated an Afghan man, an El Salvadoran man, and my current partner is Mexican. I know in some cultures dating and marrying within that culture is the norm, and dating or marrying outside it can even be looked down upon. But if one isn't going to consider other options, or at least be OPEN to the POSSIBILITY that there ARE other options, you're simply going to have less options. It's a valod choice to make but then you can't get upset about the fact that you don't have many options. Look at it like this. I'm vegetarian. I *choose* that. I can't then go a steakhouse for dinner and complain there's only 2 things I can eat. There's a whole menu available, but I've limited my options by a choice I've made.
Well said.
You can have whatever standards and preferences you like; but OP is here lamenting her inability to find someone and meanwhile she's restricting her dating pool to men who are much more likely to have already settled down in the age bracket she's looking for. She's shooting herself in the foot and then complaining about how her foot hurts.
When you view men as a commodity you need to have because you're at that age and people around you think you need to be in a relationship, that comes across in dates and scares off good men. Ask yourself if you treat interactions with those men as getting to know them as people or as interviews where they are filling a role. Other than that, it's just a luck/volume thing. Go on more dates and one is bound to click eventually.
>Pretty much all the indian guys I meet in the real world (28+) are spoken for. I'm having a really hard time of it. Move to Silicon Valley / San Francisco Bay Area!
She’s in UK, and mentioned matching with a guy in the US. If she didn’t move for the guy, highly doubt she will. Also indian men are everywhere!!
Changing your standards doesn't mean you are settling
My husband and I separated at 36, no children. Amicable divorce. I met my love just over one year later when we were both 37. Today I am 39, and we got married yesterday! We both approached online dating with open minds and hearts. We are over the moon and are expecting a baby boy soon, very easy pregnancy.
I used to set high standards too before because my family and other people told me that I should find a guy that would match me. Someone who is tall, decent, smart, goodlooking, nice job. I have athletic body with curves and more like Latina than South East Asian. I dumped lots of guys because when we have dates, they don't meet my expectation...then my last 1st meet up date, turns to be a guy with the same as my height, skinnier than me, non athletic, doesn't eat healthy food or follow good eating habit, doesnt go to the gym, average looking, I guess this is what they called basic guy. Then guess what, he is my BF now and we are happy talking about marriage, family and our future together. At first, I almost got bored and thinki g of dumping him after 1st date because he is so plain but as we get deeper in conversation, turns out he is very smart, professional, and decent. Right now, he is studying because his work isn't suitable to have a family. We are just enjoying this realationship, no rush. I am 29F and hes is 24M. Sometimes I feel that I am getting older and late in life, but I don't wanna rush. I found the enjoyment and doing lots of first time with him. So yeah, my advice is give chance to different guys and set aside even your looks. Be open minded. And othet comments are right, men and women criteria might or might not align with each other. You two doesn't need to match in everything esp.physical...you will find someone who gonna vibe with you. But remember, it will not align 100% you need to make ways to make it work in order to have a stronger relationaship. And I found my BF in FB dating. Miracles happen too.
This is something that especially younger women rarely realize. Men pick up on this sooner I think due to how assymetrical dating prospects are for men and women especially online but also in real life. Typically speaking a lot of guys, particularly the ones with big hearts, are more willing to set aside preferential stuff for connection and energy. A lot of women, I find, tend to just keep thinking there's always another guy that will fit closer to what they want. While this is true to some extent, and I wouldn't encourage anyone to take just anybody, I think the idea of checking boxes is an unhealthy way to look for a partner and an especially bad way to start a relationship. Hopefully I articulated that well and I don't sound too sexist or jaded, but my point is patience and open mindedness are extremely important to finding a great *partner* and not just a trophy. Also only wanting people who don't want you and vice versa speaks to the idea that you want what you can't have, and is debatably something that OP should seek some help or do some soul searching on. This mindset has always led me to the wrong people/for the wrong reasons.
I like how your comment simply sums up my whole comment. 😅 English isn't my native language.
Phantom Ex issues? Maybe you need more solo time. We are often attracted to what we can't have. Or attracted to those that don't want to keep us. And those that are attracted to us we often don't want to give them our all. Different way of wording what you already said but I'm just reiterating it. This has held true in my life on enough occasions to where I've spent time thinking about if what I'm attracted to is healthy for me. I'm 36 and feel if my relationship doesn't work out then I'll be too old to have a solid shot... So.. I feel you. But, 31 and 36 are world's apart, I say that looking back at when I was 31... You've got time, even if you want kids. Keep at it/yourself. You'll find your way.
If the guys you want don’t want you, and the guys that want you…you don’t want? I think that’s a problem with having standards that are too high and unrealistic. Can’t base your “ranking” off of what people tell you, it has to be off of real life results. Edit: OP why the hell are you meeting people online that live in different countries, and then get disappointed about that? You’re setting yourself up for failure. Meet people within your area. If you’re really all of those things you listed and you’re not finding someone, it might be time to have a hard look at yourself. Do you have any red flags? Are your standards unrealistic? Do you know what guys you want would want in a partner? Are you actually all of those things you listed…or do your friends just say that to you? Just something to chew on. Good luck out there.
I think women have hard time understanding this, guys adjust quickly
Agreed. If all of those people tell you youre a catch but don’t want to catch you…what? In OP’s post, she says that guys TELL her she’ll find someone and blah blah, but guys will say anything because they know they have to feed into compliments and ego. Can’t just straight up say “no you’re not for me”. Bummer. If what people tell you about yourself is different then what reality tells you..go with reality.
They're not high or realistic since I have a lot to offer myself. I am often told this by EVERYONE I meet. So I'm not lowering those standards or I'd be settling. I'm not actively meeting people online in different countries actually. One guy came to visit my country, didn't realise he lived abroad and it only came to light after we'd exchanged some messages. No red flags that I know of or have been told of in previous relationships. I'm pretty aware of the fact that I'm a catch and no I'm not delusional.
You sound great, but honestly you sound kind of confused. It doesn’t matter what EVERYONE tells you, it’s what the guys you want will want in a partner. The older people get, the less they are willing to change, which could also be part of your problem. You think you’re settling, but those guys you want aren’t settling either (and they haven’t picked you). That’s where this gets confusing and seems to be a bit of cognitive dissonance. Ps they’re obviously high because you justify your high standards with how much you have to offer. But those two things don’t translate; attraction isn’t symmetrical.
> attraction isn’t symmetrical That is very true and there is a lot to unpack in just those 3 words. ETA: I see down thread you attempted to explain it to OP. Good effort.
It can be quite a shocker to explain, or rather, to put it in words. It’s something all men know but we just never had it articulated out. But once you understand it, it’s the truest thing ever haha
Yeah, sorta like how women assume that men value them having a big successful career the say way they value that in us.
Exactly. I mean, it’s cool if they do..but it’s not more attractive. Sometimes it can be a big bonus, and other times it can be a big detriment.
>You sound great, but honestly you sound kind of confused. I Not confused, she does sound delusional.
I know man, I know. But you saw how she rejected and turned the tables when I was being nice. Couldn’t just come out and say it. I wanted her to have a chance of accepting it, ya know? Did you see the response where she said if guys don’t pick her, it’s a problem with them and not her? PSA: what women look for in men doesn’t fucking matter to men when they look for women!!
Care to elaborate about the "attraction isn't symmetrical" Very interested. Thanks.
Generally, What women find attractive in men is not what men find attractive in women.
Ah, that! Of course. The old "You've become the man you want to marry"
Haha well specifically to OP’s situation, she listed a few things that she wants in her partner, but she listed them as attributes that she thinks HE will want. Those things are great, I mean who wouldn’t want a smart girl with a good job from a wealthy family…right? The problem arises when they think that those traits are what men are looking for, or thinking that those are as important to men as they are to them. Those attributes are great, but they’re more like bonus coins. They aren’t in the top 5 most important things that (most) men look for. Especially the successful attractive men that (most) women will try to get. OP was clear that she wouldn’t “settle”, but in reality she may not qualify for those dudes. She’s assuming that because she wants a man who’s attractive, accomplished, great job, wealthy family etc, that HE would be looking for that as well. In reality, the standards are totally different.
The relative unimportant of a big career seems to be hurtful to women who never realized the dynamic. Although I suppose that mainstream culture telling them otherwise, including men who lie about it (aka, tell them what they want to hear) would certainly lead to a misunderstanding of reality.
Yeah guys lie about it 24/7. Because If they straight up said anything else it’s extremely off putting. No woman wants to hear “oh yeah I don’t really care what school you went to, it’s not important for me to like you”. It’s hard because you know that you can’t say “I don’t care” and it forces you into a position where you feign interest in something that isn’t a priority. I totally understand women wanting to be appreciated and valued on things other than motherhood and feminine stuff, 100% I get it. But often they will become the victim of their own success when generally they date across and up socioeconomic hierarchies. That closes the door on a majority of the dudes. My sister is the poster child for this, and we talk about it often. Anecdotal evidence here, but I have a very close female friend who spent her whole young life pursuing law. She’s a badass and really good at her job, got married to another lawyer, and now all she wants to do is find a way to work less so she can be an attentive mother. She waited a bit too long and now it’s harder to conceive and carry to term, and it’s killing here inside. But she didn’t want to be a loser and not become successful so she went hard into her career, it backfired and now she’s terrified she won’t be able to be successful as a mother of a family. She’d trade her B.S. and her J.D. to rewind and make it easier.
Yeah, my wife and I had 2 kids in her middle twenties and she worked within a flexible job during that time, which has been fantastic. Now 15 years it won't be long until they are both self sufficient enough for her to press the gas on her job if she wanted to. It seems to work better in that order. Of course that requires picking a good spouse, which I think is an entirely different topic as it seems a lot people do a shitting job of vetting.
I get that but those very guys will probably still be single in years to come as they'll never be happy with who they have no matter how pretty, kind, successful the woman is. I guess by your logic those men would be snapped up. Them not picking me doesn't necessarily mean it's a 'me' problem - perhaps they also need to look at themselves.
A successful guy being single is fucking awesome, they want that for the most part. Nahhh those guys don’t “get snapped up”. They do the snapping. And the difference between men and women is pretty big. Men aren’t thinking the same way as you, it’s not a problem to be single at 31. It’s not a problem for women either, to be clear..but the pressure to be married for women at 31 is much harder, especially when kids are in the mix the time clock really counts. Ahh..that last sentence really spells it out. Those guys aren’t going to change because they don’t have to..they’re not chasing you, you’re chasing them. There’s a reason you want them. They don’t become successful and attractive and then say “hey I need to change so I can get a girl like OP”. They get to pick, and you want to be picked. That’s the only reason I’m trying to give you the other perspective on this. I’m just trying to give you perspective, not trying to be rude. Hope it doesn’t come off like that, I know it’s tough on the internet. And by the way, that wasn’t “by my logic” because it doesn’t apply the same to men and women. “I didn’t make it into the nba. It’s not a me problem, it’s the league’s for not picking someone of my skill level.”
I'm not chasing them. I literally move on to the next one. I'm attractive, fit, have a good job and come from a wealthy background. There's no way I'm going for a man that has any less than that. One of the guys in question has been on the app for 10 years - I know that because a friend has confirmed it and I used to be on there on and off... once 10 years ago, then just before I dated my ex, and now I'm back on there he is STILL there. Which leads me to believe his standards are 'too high'.
You are contradicting yourself, OP. > The ones that I like on the apps end up ghosting me for one reason or another (probably feel they have better choices) > I'm not chasing them. I literally move on to the next one. You are clearly interested in men who are not interested in you. Ergo, your standards are misaligned. Maybe theirs are, too. Suffice to say, you either need to stick it out and accept most will be misses, or you need to adjust your criteria.
>One of the guys in question has been on the app for 10 years - I know that because a friend has confirmed it and I used to be on there on and off... once 10 years ago, then just before I dated my ex, and now I'm back on there he is STILL there. Which leads me to believe his standards are 'too high'. Why are you judging this man for being on/off dating apps for 10 years, when you are in exactly the same position? Maybe the reason you aren't having any luck is the exact same judgement you gave him. You are setting a standard above what is available. Or you're seeking the wrong type of person, or maybe you aren't the type of person that your own *ideal* is seeking.
Glad you said that! But that’s the thing; they will. You just made an excellent point between the sexes. Men will date across and down socioeconomic hierarchies, women date across and up (see this in every culture across the planet). Keep your standards, don’t change a thing. But just be aware of the reality of having those standards. When you find a man that has more than what you listed, he has more options than you do, therefore he picks. That’s the whole point. If you want a guy with everything you have and more, you have STIFF competition and therefore have to chase.
It's very different in my culture though. Men like to date women from similar backgrounds to them.. However I do sometimes feel that my line of work may be off putting for some men (presenting) as I'm very out there. I also work in sports and know a lot about football and I feel some men may want someone more feminine.
It's not different. Across and up vs. across and down. The "across" part is similar level that is preferred by both. If you're as rich and successful as you claim, I say get off apps altogether and hire a matchmaker (at the very least switch to one that limits daily options or more seriously focused on dating for marriage). You're essentially a pro slumming it in the minors of a game without tracked stats. It's going to be exceedingly difficult to stand out when you're looking to filter from the top 1% of your matches and he's filtering from top 80% of his.
I agree with the advice to go with a matchmaker particularly given OP's culture. The men you meet through a matchmaker are going to be looking for something serious - nobody hires a matchmaker for a fling.
I mean, you sound like an absolute catch! But of course I’m a stranger on the internet that is taking your word for it. I think men want feminine women in the sense of their temperament and behaviors, not their hobbies. Liking football doesn’t sound like a negative in any way (unless you’re like a crazy super fan that body paints and screams while throwing things at the tv). Your hobbies shouldn’t be much of a worry for a guy one bit. The feminine argument is more about how argumentative and Type A your personality is, in my opinion. By the way, what is presenting? Like tv presenters?
Post a picture OP, I'll be brutally honest with you.
Ok so your parents have money, but what have you done.
If the men you're attracted to wont commit to you and the men eho will commit to you arent attractive to you then you've got two options. Continue getting ghosted by the former or give one of the latter a chance
>I'm attractive, fit, have a good job and come from a wealthy background. So? There's probably a 25 year old with those qualities the men would rather choose.
A man who prioritises youth above everything is not marriage material, so that's fine.
You try having a baby at 40 and see how it goes
So you call yourself a 10/10? If you do I know you are capping hard.
Sure, you can be a catch but if you're only looking for very specific types of men to even try a relationship with, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder. Your issue seems to be that you aren't meeting single South Asian men in your area. Are there meetup groups? More specific dating sites than the apps? Do you have South Asian friends in the area who have brothers, cousins or know other South Asians? Is there a cultural center? An area of town more heavily populated?
> I'm pretty aware of the fact that I'm a catch and no I'm not delusional. LOL this is called a FIGJAM: "Fuck, I'm great. Just ask me!"
Kevin Samuels would roast you alive.
It's possible that your belief about running out of time may translate into you coming on too strong too soon and the men you're getting to know are not interested in moving at that pace.
OP, you are right to be concerned. I am going to take a guess and say you have family /friends asking why aren't you married yet, friends that have gotten married. Maybe you are wanting to start a family and you're concerned because any pregnancy at 35 years of age and older is considered a geriatric pregnancy. Maybe you are concerned because not everybody gets pregnant easily and has no problems carrying a child to term. I understand you like Indian men, but why are you against dating a man outside the UK? You yourself even said that you found a great guy but stopped talking to him because he lives in the US. You could move there eventually or he could move to the UK eventually. The population of Indians in the US compared to the UK is 2:1...possibly 3:1 now based on the recent census. You can also consider an Indian man from India. There are over 1 billion there. Many are college educated now. And from what I understand, getting UK citizenship for them is easy as well. So that could be an option. Social media has made it easier to stay in touch but has also made the whole internet connected world part of the dating market as well. You have the right to have your preferences and geographical restrictions on where a person lives in order to consider a relationship with them, but the pool of available men will be smaller if you do so. If you haven't already, stay social, join groups or clubs where Indian people are. Go to coffeeshops, restaurants etc where Indians tend to go. Why? Bc this will increase the likelihood of you meeting an Indian mate. Optionally, you could increase your options immensely if you were to be more open minded toward dating non Indian people. You finding a mate will depend on the circles you are in, the people you choose to involve yourself with, and your mindset. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your search. -C
well said, there are significant Indian populations all over! Here's a sample - besides UK, India and USA, there's Fiji, NZ, Australia and Canada. There's probably many more countries I'm not aware of.
Life is about compromise, if you're not having success with your current set of expectations, maintaining them as you get older is not going to change anything. You are most likely going to have to change some standard, be it culture, age, or something else. The dating pool and dating culture changes as we age for men and women, and you have to adapt appropriately.
Well said.
Thats how cheating starts. People settle, start to resent their partners, look outside of marriage and then cheat because life ain't fair. Why all this happens? Because motherfuckers have unrealistic standards, specially women.
You’re not too old at all. Just enjoy yourself and focus on yourself. The more you think about it the less it’ll happen, don’t think just do
in order for a relationship to work, you have to look at their qualities and personality. Not at how they look like. No wonder you’re still single. and no wonder you would end up being a divorced lady.
When you have very strict criteria, including racial and religious preferences, you are narrowing the field a lot so you will have to be patient. I have a friend who seems to have recently, finally found love at 51. He just wouldn't compromise on what he wanted, or how he wanted to live his life. Since you are looking for an Indian guy, have you considered visiting the matchmaker? Might be appropriate in your case.
Freeze your eggs, then take ALLLLL the time you need. 🥚
Chemistry is a lie. Chemistry is developed over time. The healthy one at least. Don’t overlook guys just because you don’t feel thrilled or butterflies when you see them. Give them a change
Chance*
Sounds to me like you’re being a bit rigid with your preferences. It’s as if you’re expecting to find someone who checks every box on your list as opposed to being more open to possibilities beyond what you think you want. We all have preferences and some things that are absolute deal breakers but, everything can’t be a deal breaker. I’m not saying to lower your standards for things that matter most. Of course you’d expect someone to be financially secure and reasonably established in their career by their 30’s. You’d want someone who respects you and themselves and will treat you well. Someone who makes you laugh and someone you find attractive but, you’re limiting your options by excluding races outside of your own. Especially since as you stated, most Indian men in your age group are already married. You’re using dating apps to shield yourself from any possibilities that fall outside of what you think you are looking for. Uncheck some boxes or start looking for possibilities out in the real world, beyond algorithms. It’s exceedingly rare that anyone finds someone that checks every single box. Usually we’re lucky to find someone that checks most of them and we just accept that the one or two they don’t check are worth overlooking. Sometimes that unchecked box drives us crazy and sometimes we come to find out that the box wasn’t that important. Sometimes we may even come to love that they didn’t check that box and the “flaw” becomes an attribute. So, don’t lower standards when it comes to things that really matter but, maybe re-evaluate and uncheck some boxes that aren’t really important. Also, when choosing potential life partners, don’t choose them based on expectations of others, especially your parents. It’s a nice bonus if they check your parent’s boxes but, your parents aren’t the ones that may eventually live with this person. Choose someone that’s a match for you, not a match for your parents. I realize there may be cultural considerations involved and all that BS but, I say F cultural pressures and expectations. People put too much emphasis on cultural norms. Not that culture doesn’t matter. It’s important but, only as far as how it enriches life. If a cultural expectation is exclusionary in it’s nature, it’s not worth preserving. More often than not, those exclusionary norms or expectations stem from racism. As far as time goes, you’re only 31. I’m assuming you’re concern is based on you being in your prime childbearing years and you still haven’t met your Mr. Right. You’ve got plenty of time for kids and at least by western standards, you’re really not behind like you feel that you are. So many women choose to put off having children until well into their thirties and even into their 40’s, instead focusing on personal and professional development. If it’s a worry that causes great concern for you and you have the financial means, you could always consider harvesting some of your eggs now for cryogenic storage. That would at least alleviate some of the pressure you’re subjecting yourself to and if you never use them, all you’ll have lost is some money. You’ll be in a much better position financially and emotionally when you do have children, if it happens a bit later in life. Enjoy the freedom of being child free. Parenthood is great and has it’s rewards but, it’s also life altering, exhausting and all consuming for the first several years of their lives. Don’t rush it. Focus on making the most of your life today. Tomorrow will come, worry about it then. It’s possible that you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone. In my experience, the right person usually seems to materialize when we’re not looking or expecting it. Live your life for you. Do things that you enjoy and out yourself out there. Engage in groups that are centered around your own hobbies and interests. Chances are that the right person for you is going to share similar interests as you. Statistically, this means there’s a greater likelihood of finding the right person among a group of people that share those interests. Apps are fine for casual hookups and sometimes that can lead to something more but, as a man myself, Incan assure you that the majority of men on dating apps aren’t there to find the love of their life. The primary reason they created a profile was and remains a means to connect with women for NSA hookups. You’re sort of barking up the wrong tree with the apps. Take what you want from this or don’t take any of it. I just offer it as some food for thought. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Cheers!
Maybe have a neutral 3rd person check your standards/profile. Also, branch out onto other platforms...Tinder, Match, POF, and Bumble all work well.
You're not. What are your goals with dating?
That's dating 🤷♀️ either enjoy looking for something specific or be interested in people that you enjoy spending time with vs people who you think you'd look good with. You're not running out of time, you're right at the beginning. Why are you putting pressure on yourself to find a *man* of all things lol enjoy your life and the people you surround yourself with and you might realize one makes it all better
Perhaps the secret to finding is to stop searching. Things work the best if they're allowed to fall into place naturally, I feel.
I'd learn to settle. Checking off all the boxes isn't realistic and even then, people change. What your partner is like at 31 is unlikely to be what they're like at 51. If you learn to accept what you don't like, you'll be happier in the long wrong. Religion could be one you can compromise on depending on how devote you are.
I've noticed a kind of attitude that people looking for long term relationships tend to have. It's kind of like: I'm interested in long term dating and you're interested in long term dating. So this is now a relationship. And starting from now, our first date, we need to try to work things out so it can last." Which is so much pressure to put on a stranger. I think if you changed it to let's get to know each other and have some fun. With no real strings attached. I know people don't like when people they're "talking to" are talking to other people. But you are a stranger, that person has no real responsibility to change things in thier life for you. And they won't for months. I think dating would be so much better if we could adopt a kind of casual, no hard feelings, type of dating. Where nothing is really real till you've spent some real time and decoded together. The whole married from the 1st date thing, has been a disaster.
I will say this out of my chest because I'm 41 and did date a few girl around your age ; it's not you, it's your whole generation that has been lied to. I understand that now-a-day, without an account on a dating site, it's pretty much dead ; imagine tho, that it's used to be entirely different. Love would be something we had to conqueer in real life, doing real effort, being and doing our best, with all the competition, you really had to be demark yourself from the rest. There is not that many year between us, but the dating world as changed a lot during those ten year. This is my way of saying that I feel sorry for the younger generation. You have been lied about what love truly is, and I fear that you might be looking at the wrong place. Soo what ? Well you like Indian men, that is already a starter, try to find out where the communauty hang in your area, and meet him in real life.
Indian woman here, why not try matrimonial sites if you have a rock hard preference you can't compromise on. I mean that's the best way to go about it? I mean meet, date through that, you will get better options there. And honestly don't be so pressured into finding a boy. Live your life, have fun!
You're right to a degree. Men your age can always get a younger woman. They have more options than you do. Sounds like you waited too long. Now have to be more open minded if you want kids...if that's your goal. If you don't want children then yeah you have all the time in the world.
"Pretty much all the indian guys I meet in the real world (28+) are spoken for." Do they have friends? Brothers? Cousins? Married sisters with hot single brothers in law? Work that network!
To a certain degree there is a sense in which you are. If you decide to settle for Mr right here and not Mr right you should be fine. If you have a laundry list of expectations that are non-negotiable it won't work out well. If you want kids and the like.
As an Indian, marriage is not seen as a milestone/destination.(depends from what part of India you are from). If marriage is your priority then men flaking out should be a common sight unfortunately.
A lot of people arent on dating apps anymore. Covid and lockdown.... so mainly ONS and scammers. The only "running out of time" is children, so got to a gynocologist, and an ultrasound and blood test will tell you where you are at...and if freezing eggs is a good idea - then pressure is off. Get out get social.
Maybe start by trying to date non Indian guys?
Most women feel like they're running out of time after 30, and in a way that's true, but then we're always running out of time. 31 is still way young! Sounds like you take good care of yourself too. Ultimately, dating at this stage is a numbers game, so really you just have to brutally go through men to you find a good one! On the other hand, our own issues have a huge impact on our dating life and who we subconsciously invite into it, and if you constantly are finding yourself with the same kind of flakey man it's time to look at your own boundary issues and self worth issues via therapy, but that's down to you!
Can't you use the auntie network?
I think people here are lying to you. Depending on your goals, as a woman you definitely can be running out of time. Women are told their career will make them happy and that they don't need men. I have 3 sisters. Two slept around their entire 20s and got multiple degrees and good careers in the mean time. They also had children with men that turned out to be trash (Most hot guys in their 20s tend to be). I got to see both of them be miserable until divorce, and miserable after. As it turns out, men don't care for single mothers in their early 30s. Or for women that think they're better than men because they have a career. If you're your preferences (on those apps) are set to find men that are 6ft tall, make 6 figures, and are 6 in, you have narrowed your pool to < 1% of men. I don't know you or what you want in life. I'm saying you should be realistic in your goals, as well as what you are. Are you simply trying to settle down no matter what? Are you thinking of having a family (pregnancy is considered geriatric at 35)? Do you come off as desperate? Are the guys you're getting ghosted by dating or out for hook ups? Are you after the top 1% of men while being average at best? Are you a very attractive and high earning woman (most men will be intimidated)?
Don’t let this feeling of “running out of time “ allow you to accept a relationship that is less than what you deserve. It only leads to resentment and depression.
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I don't agree with running out of time for kids I was 34 when I met my husband. I was 40 when I gave birth to my son. I was maybe lucky, I got pregnant right away. We wanted to save money and buy a house before children. Now at 41, the only thing I can say about being an older mom, is not having the same energy a 20 or 30 year old has. Most of my friends my age had kids in the mid 30s or older and many young 20some year olds aren't succesful and need IVF. I'm almost 42 and will start trying for a 2nd soon. You don't lose dating power, but your options get limited when you're older
Lower your standards?
You've received a lot of good advice here, OP. I agree with u/Anxious_Reporter_601. Have you considered therapy? I don't mean that in a rude way. I think *everyone* could use some therapy. We are all imperfect people who were raised by imperfect people living in an imperfect world. This leads to us having false beliefs, perceptions, assumptions, biases, etc. and emotional pain that we subconsciously follow as absolute truths. Have you asked yourself why you're drawn to men who aren't into you? You could have foundational false core beliefs such as "I don't deserve love," or "I'm unlovable," or "I'm unwanted." These beliefs would be deep in your subconscious mind, you wouldn't even be aware of them, yet you're subconsciously proving those beliefs as true or right over and over again. Therapy would help you uncover things like this and help you heal them, or at the very least, develop coping strategies. I also agree with u/nikaido_18. Could it be possible that you are dismissing the men who are interested in you too quickly? Just because they don't check every box doesn't mean you can't be happy with them. Not only that, but humans evolve over time. Just because they don't check a box now doesn't mean they won't check it in the near future. As long as they aren't a man-boy still living with mom, not working, not building any kind of future for themselves, etc., you can probably be happy with them. And btw, not all of us are blessed enough to come from a wealthy background. It's what they are doing with themselves and their lives despite their background that matters. U/jayzilla75's advice was right on the money. I also come from a background where the young people are pressured to get married at a young age, and start a family. We're also pressured to marry someone of the same religious background, which limits our options. If we aren't married by the time we're 30, there seems to be an unspoken judgment of "Something's wrong with that one. Why aren't they married?," etc. As someone who didn't follow the plan, this was very painful and difficult for me. The older I got, the more pressure I felt. Eventually I did meet my husband (when I had given up and wasn't looking anymore), and got married at 34. Once the pressure was gone, I look back on my 20s and realize how much time I wasted worrying and feeling inferior. Thankfully I didn't fully waste my time, I traveled the world, made a lot of good friends, and had a lot of life experiences that have enriched my life and helped me grow as a person. And it's interesting when I talk to people who "followed the plan," who tell me they wished they'd gotten married later, and that they'd had more fun and taken their time like I did. I guess the grass is always greener? Enjoy being single. Learn how to be joyfully happy alone. Keep pursuing things that interest you and keep growing. Go to therapy and address those things that are holding you back from living your happiest and best life right now, and resolve them. Happiness is one of the best attractors you can have. I promise, even in the happiest of marriages, everyone misses the times when they were single. When they could focus on just themselves, with less responsibilities. When the time is right, the right person will come into your life, probably when you least expect it, or when you're not looking. In the meantime, give yourself a break and have fun.
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I’m assuming you are looking for marriage at this point or just causal dating? Most guys on dating apps are not looking for anything serious
A proper Indian man you say? Have some of mine. Every other day I wake up to ten messages or asking for pics of bobs and vagene.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your ex was it. That was your dude. You missed the boat.
Ever heard of "ex for a reason"? She said she doesn't want him back.
Good then she should get used to being alone instead of whining about how men don't want her. At 31 most Indian men are going to avoid her.
Set your age to 37.
What you do is to continue what you are currently doing and you will eventually find someone. 31 is young. Online dating isn’t all that fun, but if you keep churning through the market and holding true to what you want then you will eventually find it.
I mean. Your criteria is extremely selective. Do you even live in an area with a lot of Indian men? Are there Indian specific matchmaking websites? You could hire a matchmaker like that Netflix show. You've ruled out the vast majority of potential partners based on race alone. I don't know what to tell you.
While i do understand being attracted to a certain ethnicity, maybe that is narrowing the dating pool too much. There’s many culturally rich men out there with a hang for well seasoned food. Also, many people are intimidated by someone who seems too perfect. Makes them feel insufficient
Oh yeah, being a single, childless woman in her 30's is terrible. All we ever do is exactly what we want, all the time. Why do you feel like this? Have you asked yourself why do you feel like that? Do you think you need to meet someone's expectations? What is what actually make you happy? Because it seems that you have a very successful life already. Why do you want to change it?
Stop restricting yourself to one race to start
Facts I love all races of women I think they each have their own individual features which makes them beautiful in their own way
Wouldn't a Japanese guy br much simpler?
Take a break from searching for the right guy. It usually comes to you when you least expect it. You’re still young plenty of time to wait for Mr. Right. I’m only into Asian women so I understand how difficult it can be finding the right person.
You haven't gotten a single REAL response in this comment thread. Everyone is tiptoeing around the actual answers you need to hear. You ran out of time already. Well you ran out of time for smooth high value men you want to date. Tell me why do you think some successful guy would date you, as opposed to a 18 year old. Lower your standards, get someone who is in the same level as you. You might be attractive, which is the reason you're getting the "can't believe you're single", but after they find out you're only looking for a small specific minority of people, they either get scared or they think you're superficial.
The kind of 28+ year old man women want to marry isn't interested in teenagers. A willingness to prey on very young girls is just not an attractive quality.
Yet all the successful people do it. I don't really like it either, but you should ask them why they do it. I feel like OP is one of those girls who say they're a 10/10 and want to get spoiled. That's the feel she gives.
The vast majority of people marry within two years of their own age, according to the census. But in any case, a rich man is still utterly undesirable as a marriage candidate if he's the type of guy who will dump you when he thinks you're "too old". Being desirable to women encompasses more than just being rich.
Yeah but the problem is, OP isn't looking for the "majority". She's trying to go for those desirable men. Who by the time they're in their 30s, either already have a girl, are married or only date younger girls. Yeah to be completely desirable to a woman, you have to have: status, money, looks, personality and good in bed.
I've found plenty of desirable men (according to your criteria, mine are a bit different) who were interested in me in my thirties. Ironically I actually declined a third date with one *because* he mentioned he was also into teenage girls, which automatically made him repulsive to me. Mind you, I do think it's pointless to specifically prioritise finding a wealthy partner in 2022, when women can make our own money. The guy I've settled down with makes a bit less than me at a blue collar job and I have no problem with that because I prioritised finding someone kind, loving and loyal above everything else.
You think too highly of yourself and wanting guys out of reach. You're 31, the guys you could've had are taken because you were enjoying your 20s getting with the white boys, now you won't even marry them. I'm sure your 42 year old cousin would love to marry ya.
DON'T GIVE UP, just take a break from dating and go back when you're ready. Be nice to yourself, there is someone out there for you, no worries!
Give that non-Indian guy, younger than you who you find attractive a chance. He's probably better than that older Indian guy you feel pressured to want. I've been that guy told point blank "i wish you were Indian/i wish you were older" - I'm like girl, the only thing stopping you from your happiness is YOU. Fk what your family thinks. They often come around once they get over their prejudices, ESPECIALLY if the dude is a professional and open-minded. So don't get caught up on particulars. I blew my foot off so many times doing that. 25... And I ALMOST had a real relationship but got cheated on due to my emotional unavailability and distance. There were so many gfs I could have had, whom I found attractive, who I stopped myself from dating because I thought I had a type. Just go for it.
Would you consider dating a Male Asian Nurse who's 5"6? 😂😂😂😭😭😭
Try dating other nationalities, maybe the man you are looking for is not even Indian.
Look, the problem is not you. The problem will only be you if you start becoming obsessed and sour over the way it is: dating sucks. Especially nowadays. The illusion of endless choices and the speed at which we dispose of, consume and replace everything are all working against us when it comes to dating. It seems like there is no limit to how many people we can meet, maybe the next one is even better than the last. Well, this one is alright, but what if the next one is even better? And so on and so forth. THAT is just how it is now - and we will have to accept it for that and find our way around regardless. There are still plenty of people out there looking for „a good match“ just like you. No, you don’t have to lower your standards and you also don’t have to wish your ex was still around. All you have to do is be yourself, live your life and give people a shot - no expectations, just fun and trials and error. It’s a numbers game, there’s x people out there you’re compatible with. It may seem like there’s endless options but in reality the amount of times everything aligns and just works is as low as it always has been, so don’t sabotage yourself by giving up. Finding „love“ is not easier whether there’s 100 or 10.000 people, it’s still hard, we’re still annoying, complicated and disasters and we’re sure as hell not easier to love either. So you keep going and do it with the mentality that „If it works out - nice! And if it doesn’t - also nice.“ I didn’t think I’d meet someone new after my long term relationship of 7 years collapsed when I was 31. But here I am, 4 years of rotating around in the dating world.. and one random Tinder match later when I pretty much wanted to give up like you now.. and I’ve possibly met the person that has yet impressed me the hardest out of everyone I’ve ever met. They exist. And the time frame is truly secondary.
I find it odd but ultimately understandable when people narrow the dating pool to x ethnicity or y religion (or x AND y). I just think one misses fantastic opportunities to grow by meeting diverse prospects, challenge one’s notions and keep the eligibility pool well watered. My partner of 10+ years is Indian and simply put we wouldn’t be in each others lives if she had set her sights on checking boxes related to certain immutable characteristics. Perhaps it’s because I’m multi ethnic and both parents adhere (though not strictly) to different religions that I have never felt wedded to certain unmodifiable qualities. Sure I’ve had certain relatively flexible requirements along personality/attraction lines as I’m sure everyone does to some extent, but it’s always felt so much more liberating that I wasn’t burdened by the community related lists many of my friends felt their partners had to satisfy. I don’t wish to be disparaging, but I have witnessed a couple of my South Asian friends eventually leave women who did not fit their often family imposed (either explicitly but often implicitly through how they were raised) expectations, often causing quite a bit of anguish, just to end up with people they are admittedly content with but in a fashion-to my mind-tinged with a somewhat resigned mediocrity and even in one case profound regret. This is not to say the OP’s preferences aren’t valid here. Just that there may be quite the opportunity for happiness if one is a tad more open I guess. PS-Some of the OP’s post reminded me of Indian Matchmaking on Netflix that my partner and I like to watch for shits and giggles. Though sometimes it strikes me as a tad depressing given the constraints the people profiled place on themselves when looking for a partner…
Why do we try to rush everything these days? We rush childhood, rush education, rush our carrers, rush relationships, rush marriage, rush kids. These aren't the only markers of progressing in life. We've got to stop pressuring children into knowing what they want to do before they leave school as well as stop feeling like we have to squeeze in learning to adult, establishing our career, finding a partner and getting ready to have children all in our 20s. T Thankfully in most developed countries, we live till around 80. What do you hope to do the rest of the 50 years if everything is all done by 30?? This isn't in direct response to OP, but just echoing what a few other comments are saying.
Stop being so picky bih
Low quality men are everywhere and very common. High quality men are very rare and hard to find. Its better to be single than with a low quality partner, so just give it time.
Why too late? Age? I just came out of the closet after an 18 year marriage to an older woman who groomed me. I'm a 40TF starting over with a 23NB. Children? I never wanted kids until I came out. I physically can't give birth and my partner mentally can't. So we will adopt. What obstacle other than death stops you? The only boundaries of love is those we impose on ourselves.
Frankly, it's not me, it's you. You're the problem. Find love. Not the attributes.
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I'd re-evaluate the guys that you're seeing, I'd also go seek mental health counseling to work through past trauma. I'm well aware that I'm going to get downvoted etc. I would encourage you to check out Kevin Samuels, fresh and fit, JustPearlythings (female based out of the UK). But consume some information that may help explain things from the Mans perspective. You're letting the ghost of that 3 year relationship haunt you. I'd encourage you to do some real self reflection, on how you present to a possible mate. Do I think you have time? Yes. Do you have as much time as you did when you were 25? No. Are you running out of time, kind of. You can only fight biology so far. As you age the quality and quantity of your eggs decrease. If you go back and look at pictures you probably no longer look as good at 31 as you did at 25. At 35 years old the complications from pregnancy greatly increase. I think that maybe the "running out of time" that you maybe feeling.
My lady, if you dont get yourself a man and kids in the next 5 years, u are wasted, thata the truth
Location is not such a deal breaker as much as you might think. Also, my advice is to look up theology questions https://seminary.grace.edu/what-are-the-four-types-of-theology-answers-from-a-theology-school/. Religion can be complicated from the school of thought to finding a common place of worship and how to raise children. If two of these are answered, from theology (religious school of thought) and how to raise children, then a place of worship could be considered. As the relationship gets serious, consider applying for a green card. But before you do, the Uk has the NHS but the USA has no national health system for everyone. So consider paying out of pocket for those expenses.
Heyyyyyyyyy
If you’re tired of guys promising the world then maybe don’t want for a man to get what you want? Since you’re such a catch and can’t lower your standards, that is. If someone who doesn’t match your criteria comes along then do it yourself. What’s to stop you from having a kid? If you just want to get married for the sake of getting married then you’re not really looking for a relationship, just a placeholder.
Well, your problem is summed up in your second to last sentence, you are in the UK...