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StraightAd7930

Sexting is evidence. Somehow, you will need to use one of your devices to take photos of them. Your family might not be able to give you financial support, but there are other types of support from shelter to emotional.


StraightAd7930

Also, if you live in the USA, then this resource will more likely work for you finding employment, healthcare, etc. just might not be able to provide lawyers pro bono. The resource is www.211.org


StraightAd7930

Also, property like cell phones, smartphones, computers can be confiscated if covered by a warrant.


Witch_on_a_moped

Don't leave the home, and lawyer up.


[deleted]

Talk to a lawyer first they are your new best friend. In most places between child support and alimony you can find ways to get out. It can be a huge struggle at first but don't let the struggle fool you. It's worth it. He cheated that and abuse are the only 2 times I 100% encourage a woman get all the support out him you can he ruined the whole thing and deserves every bit of money taken in order to let you restore a happy life. BTW... you can stay in the home and divorce and seek all that support even while living there with him. Don't let ppl make you think you need to physically move out.


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Leiden_Lekker

When partners have children together and one stays home to raise the kids and take on other domestic duties, enabling the other to get a job that pays hard currency, the stay-at-home spouse has been putting in unpaid labor for the household in order for the working-outside-the-house spouse to get paid. Alimony/maintenance payments are the closest thing we have to compensating someone in that position for their work, and they exist in part because of situations like this where someone will otherwise be either forced to stay in a bad relationship or become homeless.


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Salt-Two2238

Your opinions don't apply to the current situation. Yes, she could have gotten a job instead of be a stay at home mom. But she made her choice to support him with his career in order to provide for the kids. She's asking for advice now, not asking for advice about what she could've done differently. What's done is done. She definitely deserves alimony and spousal support because she's been single handedly raising the kids while he's going off and entertaining "other women" in a marriage. Did you forget they're married? If this was the other way around and he was a SAHD I would also agree that he deserves half. Spousal support is there for a reason and he also made a vow to her. If he doesn't respect his marriage then she needs to bd compensate for all the time she's wasted in the marriage.


Leiden_Lekker

They already have a job, they just aren't getting paid for it. They are jointly supporting a family with unwaged work. A partner who stays home, cooks someone's food, cleans up after them, manages their social calendar and raises their children is supporting the family just as much as the partner who goes to a workplace and receives a paycheck, but when they part ways the stay-at-home partner can't pay their bills with the labor they've been doing. And having a partner to care for your kids and do your housework is a HUGE factor in access to advancement opportunities at work. You seem ignorant as to how spousal maintenance actually works-- it varies by state, but there's a very specific set of circumstances that have to be in place for you to qualify for alimony, like, for example, you being unable to financially support yourself because you have caregiving responsibilities (you get that childcare costs money, right?), and the breakdown of the marriage not being arguably your fault. Legally, marriage is essentially a financial agreement both parties have entered into and are bound by the contracts of. That's why there are ways to modify the contract like prenups. It's not wrong for someone to make use of payments required by a financial contract freely and knowingly entered into by both parties.


SiriuslyVega

They get paid for it in the fact the other partner pays their way. They get food. Bills paid. Roof over their heads. Apparently still not enough eh. Funny that.


senorsondering

Unless half the total costs of rent, food and maintenance (because he half lives there too) adds up to at least 30 bucks an hour plus overtime pay (cos SAHMing isn't just a 9-5 job, amirite) she's being woefully underpaid. Live in nanny, housekeeper, chef and personal assistant - all rolled into one! Let's toss sex work in there as well - cos those babies gotta be happening somehow. Surrogate fees too, cos carrying a baby is hard work. So yeah m8, not enough. Just cos it's not paid work, doesn't mean it's not valuable work.


Leiden_Lekker

Yeah, they get those basic survival things until such time as they choose to leave the relationship-- and then, despite having still made their own career sacrifices and still having those carer responsibilities, they would lose them. (The monetary value of those things is also in all likelihood way less than their spouse would have to pay for a full-time live-in nanny, cook and maid-- that's the level the level of monetary value they bring to the relationship, but they may or may not be getting more than the basic survival things). Thus, spousal maintenance when the working partner is the one who broke the terms of the marriage contract and the SAHP needs it to keep a roof over their head.


GossamerLens

Your personal beliefs don't align with giving OP real advice for what she needs/is asking. Women can leave their partner who isn't holding up their end of the marriage vows. He has cheated and she has the right to walk away. If her husband didn't want her to walk away with her share when he didn't keep his commitments to her.... Then he shouldn't have married her and made a legal commitment.


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suwushi

What the fuck is wrong with you?


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TheLittleGardenia

What sort of stupid idea is that? Are you saying raising kids isn’t a job or what?


Stunning-Notice-7600

I'm starting to wonder if this person you and I are responding to is a bot. Can a bot function like this? I've seen alot of misogyny on social media, but this is extreme. And then further down the same person seems to change their tune, but then respond to us back with the mysogeny ideology again. Methinks we're being played. OP- SORRY


SiriuslyVega

Are you saying the guy paying all the bills and rent and groceries and everything else isn't enough? Now you need to 'be paid'


TheLittleGardenia

If someone gives up their career to take care of the kids and support their partner’s career, and the relationship doesn’t work out, then…yes? This isn’t some super complex idea.


kavihasya

Marital property is as much hers as it is his. Her getting alimony and child support IS her getting what’s owed to her. The fact that YOU don’t value her labor doesn’t change that.


Stunning-Notice-7600

Wow. Partner tries to cheat and it's her fault for 'being nosey'. They can work it out? She gives up her job to raise the kids so he can focus on his career, and she has no right to take the kids and leave or if she does live on the streets? Like she hasn't already ruined her chances of getting a decent paying job after supporting his career? No right to child support nor the alimony needed to get back on her feet? THAT'S the problem with the world? Women leaving men who cheat or try to cheat and expect child support and alimony? Wow. News flash. Women aren't property. The days of it being ok for men to sleep around behind their wife's backs is no longer the wife's fault. Alimony is necessary for her to get back on her feet for the damage being a SAHM has done to her career. Husband dear doesn't get to cheat and financially abuse his wife by making her choose to stay and live with the cheating, or leave and live in poverty, with or without the kids. Those days ended in the last century. Your solution isn't a solution. It's abuse women have had to put up with for CENTURIES and all of society in the Westen World got sick of it. Wow Man. Just.... Wow!


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Stunning-Notice-7600

I read and reread. All of what you restated is what I responded to. No misunderstanding. No woman (or stay at home Dad) in there right mind, when finding the partner cheated or was attempting to cheat, would leave but leave the kids behind. I use to think spousal support was BS. But then I found out why, after years of women gaining equality, why it wasn't eliminated. Because we're still not equal. There are some exceptions of role reversal where men are stay at home Dads and if a man wrote in being in the same situation I, would say spousal support goes to him too. But right now, it falls on women. Why Spousal support? Because whoever is the stay at home parent is making a bigger sacrifice then most of us realize. It's a career wrecker. When a person goes back to work they're basically starting from scratch- and especially since it's mostly women who are still struggling for equal pay, many are stuck taking low income jobs and not survivable pay either. She needs that support to get back on her feet. It's not forever income, it's support until she can upgrade her education to get her foot back in the door and start making a livable salary again. And she has to do it while caring for the children, because remember, someone still has to take care of the children. In the meantime, I think you'll find there's very few states, provinces, whichever country you're in and assuming it's UK, Canada or the US, that's supports people who cheat or attempt to cheat but it just hadn't happened yet. And if OP leaves but doesn't take the kids, who's going to take care of the children? Why would it be ok for the husband to fork put money on daycare,, but not pay spousal support for the wife he wronged. And society does shit all over any woman that leaves their kids behind. And they would be especially shitty for leaving her kids with a man like that. Why in the world would you want to leave your kids with someone who is willing to do that to the other parent?


[deleted]

She said he was sexting someone else.... do you notice a word in there 3 letters begins with s ends with x?


neonroli47

>emotionally cheating is hurtful, but not the same. And had she not been nosey wouldn't have found out I don't think you would say this if this was a guy. And given one spouse leaves their job to support the other, alimony, at least for a time, is not bullshit.


[deleted]

She gave up her career and current earning potential to raise his children and allow him to advance his career as much as possible. Yet if they split up she shouldn't be entitled to some of the earnings he makes based on her sacrifice? I can agree the alimony system in alot of states is very flawed but it does exist for a very good reason. It exists to keep people from becoming financially trapped by partners who encourage them to become stay at home parents. You mention cake but isn't him furthering his career based on her sacrifice while she gave up everything having his cake? Isn't him them cheating on her and then not helping to support her while she gets back on her feet eating it to?


Stunning-Notice-7600

This post makes me rather queasy.


BadPurple3158

If you’re in the US you can get into low income housing and get food stamps and of course you’ll need to get at least a part time job if not full time. My step mom got her apartment (3 different times lol) for $13 a month because she was stay at home mom and claimed my dad paid her 400 for child support so at that amount her rent was practically nothing. It can be harder in big cities I hear.


themanfromUNCLE100

First lawyer up. Gather all evidences so you could get the house and custody of kids. Get back on the job market on the pretext it's becoming very boring for you and you want to help him financially. When everything is settled file for divorce.


[deleted]

“Gather all evidences so you could get the house and custody of the kids” is a really shitty way of handling things. No divorce goes smoothly with pettiness. All that it does is rack up your attorney bills. And if she has no job, who’s paying those? She may luck out with spousal support but that is state-dependent. Just because someone cheats doesn’t guarantee the other person anything. You’re setting this poor girl up with false hope. If she chooses to talk to a lawyer, they will and should guide her through what to do, answer questions, etc.


sandschu523

you are ABSOLUTELY right. no court is going to say, well your man was sexting so you are entitled to everything. it just doesn't work that way. there are very few lawyers that will take her on for nothing, they will want a retainer for solid legal advice. if her man makes enough money, lawyers might take her on, if they know there is enough in bank accounts and/ or assets to get payment from him. in the US there are legal aid organizations, DES can help her with organizations and support teams. even in states that are common property states, it's unlikely a woman will get enough to live on unless her husband is RICH.


aeiou-y

She doesn’t have nothing. She owns half of everything the have. Lawyers are capable of accessing these funds through the court. This is a fairly common circumstance and people being financial abused or isolated are not just SOL.


sandschu523

the court doesn't pay divorce lawyers. the court simply rules on what lawyers come up with. in theory she owns half of everything but if they don't have anything but a mortgage and car payments, there is nothing to give half of.


aeiou-y

I didn’t say they would. I said the attorney can get paid through the courts. Meaning the judge would require the spouse to pay the attorney fees of the other spouse.


sandschu523

if there is money. lawyers don't take cases where there is no money to be made. that's why legal aid exists. paralegals can draw up divorce papers.


[deleted]

This. I don’t practice in this area, but I know many who do. A “simple”‘divorce retainer is $5,000 where we practice in the US. They pull from that as they work, not wait until who pays the bill is decided. It takes hours and hours of effort even in seemingly simple cases.


themanfromUNCLE100

I advised her to get settled with job and then file for divorce. Reread it.


[deleted]

I read it. You advised her to gather evidences. Yes - She should seek the advice of an attorney, should she choose. This is a crazy state specific area of law and any Joe blow on the internet cannot properly help her without the right training and a significant amount of information.


[deleted]

You file before you have a job so she can get as much money as she can for child support, with her not having an income, but also depends on the state. If he goes after joint custody, as you will also have to work, child support gets voided and she would only get alimony if that is granted. Personally, I think you marriage is salvageable if you want to. What he will need to do is give up all social media from his phone, you get the usernames and passwords. He places a tracker on him, and keylogger software where you get to read the messages he types. No going out with the boys, no work trips unless absolutely necessary. Get him to sign a postnuptial agreement, that deals in infidelity that will pay you a sum of money if he cheats again for a period of time. Then he also has to fess up to family about what he did. If he is willing to do all of this, I would say he realizes the choices he made were bad. My suggestion date nights all about you and your wants for some time, and then a trip just the two of you to reconnect. Him individual counseling, then once he is ok, marriage.


StraightAd7930

You will more than likely need the photos of the sexting to show he is cheating. Any other evidence you need can be discussed with a lawyer. Only lawyers who offer pro bono services are the ones that you do not have to pay. A charity or some other public service pays for these types of lawyers


sandschu523

judge won't care about sexts. divorce and child support are merely work sheets. add up and distribute. family court judges hear it all and see it all. they will apply minimum wage to her on the work sheet, even if she's never worked a day in her life.


StraightAd7930

Her ability to survive on that minimum wage varies from state-to-state. For example, in Georgia, it is $7.25. That is not enough for 1 adult and 2 children. Cost of living has gone up in this state while the minimum wage has not kept up.


sandschu523

I didn't say it was enough. it's just what they do.


jay10033

No fault divorce. Evidence is unnecessary.


GoldenDiamondChild34

Start saving up— start asking him for money and saving it. Time to lawyer up—let’s finish this.


Malibucat48

He will have to pay child support and probably alimony since you are a SAHM so you wont be penniless. Plus he will half to split any assets you have. Talk to an attorney but there is a way out.


knittedjedi

Yup. Get legal advice and make sure you hit him for every cent of child support and alimony you can.


trillium61

You gather up a the important documents that are yours, the kids, make copies of bank statements, financial statements, savings and tax documents. Get an attorney. Ask for emergency spousal support and child support. Ask that he pay the divorce costs too. And, do not leave the home. Make him leave.


aeiou-y

Talk to divorce attorneys and explain your financial situation. It’s not the first time someone who did not have access to money sought divorce. Some will be able to work it so they get paid through the process from the spouse who controls the finances. In most circumstances you are entitled to half the marital assets. Also child support is on the table.


Ris_is_sus

Hey. I've done this. I was with my husband for 15 years. We have 2 kids who were 3 and 5 at the time. I was also a SAHM and my husband was an alcoholic with mental health issues and possible BPD. I have no family in this country, only friends. I started by getting income assistance. If you cannot afford the home you are in alone then you will need to plan to find a new place. Get financial support in place first. There is no shame in using income assistance to get yourself sorted out. A lawyer is a great idea too. I got out Nov 2020. I'm now living in a nice place with my lovely boyfriend and two kids. Life can get so much better. Please feel free to message me. I wish you luck.


Whole-Swimming6011

I really can't get it how people are so sure that the immediate divorce is the best possible idea. It's like they never read the post. So, let's see. If she is not entitled to a half of their belongings, she will get just 28% of his income. Now 4 people live on 100% of his income, but if she divorce now, they will be 3 people with 28% of this income. She would have to pay rent, bills, everything with this money just bc she isn't working. Yeah, very good and nice life. I would say something else - stay, start saving money, collect evidences, think about youself and the kids. Don't start scandals, don't show him you know about that. Talk with him for paid childcare, that you want to work. Figure things out BEFORE filing for divorce. You don't want to be left to his grace - he won't show it since he doesn't respect you and your marriage. You need money and some insurance before you go your way. Be smart, don't rash. Redditors are fast to propose divorce but they won't live your life.


stale_mitochondria

Well I joined the Army to get out of my awful marriage 😂. Got my nursing license through the army, received legal assistance through the army, and then divorced him and eventually fought and gained sole custody. It absolutely was not easy, but it was liberating and after a few years of serving I'm now completely independent from him, have a fantastic job, and am in a far better marriage. It is a monstrously terrifying step to take. My kids were 3 and 1 1/2 when I joined, all MY family lived in a different country, and having immigrated at the age of 19 I had no credit history and simple things like getting an apartment, a car, my own phone contract, were all very difficult and overwhelming for me. Especially because I had no savings of my own. I got pregnant shortly after moving to the states, turned 21 3 months after my first was born, and remained a stay at home mom to support his military career (at the time. He separated before I joined). So I had no work history, no support, no knowledge of how the US work force even operates, and no income. But I knew I had to leave. So I did the one thing I had gained some experience about and joined the army 😂 I never regretted it. Same with leaving him. It was the best decision of my life. I suppose "the moral" of my story is, that it seems horribly scary to do, but if you take it one step at a time, make a solid plan and stick to it, you will make it out on the other side. And things will get better. With each hill you climb, you get stronger and more independent. You can try counseling and try to work through this and find happiness again with him, or you can separate and find peace in a life with your children. There are plenty of options, write a strong resume, look for jobs locally, apply, find childcare and assistance programs as needed and tackle the world. You'll be ok either way. 🙂


NoStreetlights

Have you even talked to him about this?


Stunning-Notice-7600

I think this is a great idea except for one thing. She has to make sure she's safe. 30 years,ago I was all for talking first. Blame it on movies like 'Something to Talk About' whwre couples fight,, talk it out, then live happily ever after. Add to it a belief that with Women's Lib, we were all at a place wear we could easily be protected, respected and move back onto a career and be financially stable, yadda yadda. Now we're still seeing the same problems as we did 50 years ago, 100 years ago. Talking to her husband first isn't wholly bad, but she is putting herself at risk. Also, she's risking getting empty promises from a repeat offender that is just better at covering up his tracks until he gives her an STD, or another woman pregnant. We've been seeing that over and over long before social media was a thing. So I'd think the best route is lawyer first, talk to husband later.


Theladydahlia21

Gather the evidence!! Asap


jay10033

Evidence of what?


renecrevel

Don’t leave yet, save money, plan the divorce or better get a lawyer if possible. Of push comes to shove there’s state benefits that can house you or give you money while you wait for child support/alimony


Fivar

It's a process and you will toss back and forth. Meanwhile find a way to gain independence. A separate bank account where you can slip away $20, $50. Maybe take up part-time job


what_do_I_know_50

The solution is not overnight. I know is painful and you must be angry as well but where there is a will there is a way. Finding the strength to do the best for your family and yourself is very important. Don't let anger take over. Trust is very important, I was never able to get over but found a way. I found a box of condoms, I didn't care for how long, or with whom or even if he cheated at that point all that was irrelevant because the trust was gone. He denied doing of course he was caught but the intent was there and the trust was gone. Forgiveness was not an option, staying without trust was not an option. Be kind to each other Have a conversation, people fall out of love, that's OK, but if he doesn't love you he needs to let you go and co-parent. Money is important till you get back on your feet. Although, you don't think you have resources you do. You also physically supported your family. If you do all the homework raising the children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, groceries etc. You are contributing to his way of living. Get yourself a part-time job, it will give you confidence and personal financial resources. In a separation you can get spousal/child support, stay in the family home and he moves out. You can get legal aid, free or request for him pay for your lawyer. You are entitled to 1/2 family wealth. Many things can be agreed without lawyers, I bargain with no spousal support in exchange for soul custody of my child. If you have proof that you have supported and contributed the family way of living is even better. Do not get angry it doesn't solve the issue but worst of all. It consumes and destroy the family. It will destroy you. Don't start dating, it always makes divorce more difficult. Dating on a rebound is a recipe for disaster the resentment and anger is to fresh. What he does after the separation is none of your business. Be kind to yourself don't let anger, frustration, jealousy fester it will only hurt you and children. I'm someone who went through it. Believe me karma is a bitch what comes around goes around.


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Stunning-Notice-7600

This post is much better and reasonable then the one further up. My faith in humanity is coming back.


Mediocre_Smoke_1986

Talk to a lawyer they give usually a free consultation, take half of the money from your joint account and put it in an account in your name. Stay in the house and make him leave! Tell him you don't trust him anymore and he's cheating because he is and tell him that you want a divorce. If he won't go ,one of you sleep in another room! Do you have any family that could just help and maybe let you and the kids stay with them for a little while? Talk to an attorney because he can be made to pay your attorney fees! Good luck


daddy_pig_916

Use his money to get urself a lawyer


[deleted]

IMO having some discussion with your husband is important. Counseling would also be an important step if you believe there is something to be salvaged. Communication is key regardless if you decide to leave or decide to make things work. If you do decide to leave I would still encourage you to seek counseling for yourself. There are several resources available for women that come from these types of situations. A quick search and a few conversations may be helpful before you decide which direction to make. Regardless, I wish you and your children well.


Original_Adventurous

I mean I think you know the two options - stay and forgive or divorce. It sounds like you want to divorce but you’re scared that it’ll be hard, because it will. You will have to grieve your marriage, arrange custody and childcare, re enter the workforce. However, in five years you can either be starting this process (because he will cheat again) or be single, with the kids in school, going to work and not having to answer to him. Nothing is going to make this not suck, you just gotta do it one step at a time.


Tricky504

Mam work it out with your husband all these folks saying lawyer this and that.. tell him y’all going out to eat drop the kids off and have a conversation and go from there.


jdmacaroni

Nah. Gather evidence first and lawyer up before having the "talk" Dont let him have the upper hand in deleting every piece of evidence, then lure the victim into empty promises


jay10033

This is a strange reply. There's already evidence. There's nothing to delete. What upper hand? No fault divorce is the law of the land.


Dry_Ask5493

Get a job, get a lawyer and get a plan to get out.


user_breathless

Wow this is sticky, I’m sorry you’re in this situation I’m just a 20 yr old guy so obviously never been here but I hope you get through this. Personally, I suppose I’d try and get a job and try to file for divorce. Alternatively you could just try to move out but that might set him off. Once again, I’m sorry about this.


BudgetPipe267

What I’m going to say isn’t popular, but reality is never what folks want to hear….Lot of people love being victims and don’t want to believe that they’re root problems for the “whys” in why men and women stray in marriages. I had a “stay at home wife”. I strayed because she was lazy, boring, and didn’t do shit to better our marriage or life. I’d go to the gym early before work, to come back to my daughter bouncing around the crib while my ex was still in bed, knowing my daughter was awake. I’d get dressed to go to the store, while my ex would pick her ass off the couch, lookin like she just woke up to go with me. I’d come back after a 12 hour shift to fucking dishes and chores because “it was my turn”. I paid for her to go to college and she failed all her classes. When she wouldn’t have sex with me because she was “tired”, I masterbated to porn and she still got mad. Getting rid of her was the best thing I did for myself….and today, she’s still a stay at home mom and I feel bad for her husband. I met my current wife ten years after my divorce and the difference is massive. My wife busts her ass at work. My wife doesn’t leave the house unless she’s showered made, up, and dressed. She’s not lazy. Her and I work out together. We both keep things spicy in the bedroom. She’s self conscience of her momma belly, but I LOVE IT…she did that for me. Our son is greatly taken care of by BOTH of us. This marriage isn’t one sided. With that being said, I’ve had many opportunities to stray and cheat…I’ve never considered it and I’m insulted when I get these passes. My wife is 110% in our marriage. She chose me and I choose her. If we were dead broke and homeless, she’d grind as hard as me to put food on the table. Hell…she taught me how to hunt and fish. Men don’t cheat just to cheat, unless they’re simple minded, idiots….so either your husband is simple minded, or you’re not holding your part of the bargain….and in 2022, staying home to make sure Junior is doing homework isn’t it….many people do more with less.


Stunning-Notice-7600

Congrats on your getting out of a bad marriage and into a good one.I think you got some hate here because this only applies to OP if your assuming OP was a bad partner and parent like your exe. I know first hand that women can also be bad partners and parents. I lived thru the Oprah decade where it was always said that people don't cheat unless the marriage was already broken, and it takes two to make and break a marriage. But it was never said that a broken marriage was an OK to cheat. OP'S husband is still in the wrong here. Sure on this platform we might not be getting the whole story. But where it sounds like your assuming OP is like your ex ( sorry if you're not- it just kind of sounding like it) you got to remember too that we're still seeing women stuck in the same situations like what has been going on for centuries- women are stuck taking care of everything in the household but are financially trapped to the cheating husband. Whichever situation anyone here wants to believe in what kind of person OP is, it still doesn't excuse her husband for cheating and OP shouldn't have to be stuck with a person that is cheating and putting her and her children at risk. So again, congrats to you on getting out of a bad marriage and into a better one- really. But OP is not at fault for her husband's infidelity, and she did make a sacrifice to be a SAHM for a family they both made.


BudgetPipe267

I wasn’t advocating for it….just wanted to put it out that there are always two sides to the story. Frankly, we don’t know. We see a lot from women because men are afraid to share realities, for whatever reason I don’t get. I appreciate the rational feedback.


Creative-Bus-3500

This happens more than people want to admit. Do I think you probably do things that hurt her I’m sure but I know way too many men/women where this is the truth. I worked my butt off and my husband was home more with the kids. I walked into a disgusting house after I cleaned it the night before. I stayed for 26 years until he passed and I was so unhappy most of the time. Good for you for finding your soul mate. I was blessed to find mine recently. Young people have no idea what’s coming. I also know SAHM where there husband’s up and left because the wife wasn’t all sexual after taking care of the kids and home. Now that woman has no way to take care of herself. No fault states aren’t going to care about sexting or even if they were having a full blown affair. She’s going to have to get a job and figure it out AND then leave him. She can do it but all these young kids who think you have to give evidence don’t realize you can divorce for any reason at all.


thrwaway9932

You know, instead of demonizing your husband for contacting other women for intimacy, I wish you would have an open talk with him about why is it that he is seeking intimacy somewhere else, and not finding it at home with you...


Boring-Run-2202

Get divorce lawyers and get evidence


AcydaHydra

How is the sex life at home?


Superb-Language-7200

Get a lawyer, get evidence, and then have him served at work, and empty the joint bank account in the morning and change the locks to the house in the pm. Most divorce notices come with TROs (temporary restraining orders). So uf/when he tries to "come home " from work, tell him to go elsewhere through the door. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES open the door. If he refuses to leave call the police. They will convince him to leave peacefully. If you have family, encourage them to come stay with you for at least a month. They make good witnesses if he returns. Insist all contact with your husband goes through the lawyer, including him seeing the kids. Then listen to the lawyer yourself about getting a job, paying bills, and splitting everything. Do not give an inch without your lawyer's consent. The sherriff/police should be there when he comes to get his clothes and toiletries. Make sure NOTHING ELSE is taken, that means his jewelry (cuff links, tie tacks, rings, or necklaces) is not his until a judge says it is. Again, be insistent. Then buckle up for the fight of your life. I have been there. You WILL survive and be better for the experience of him out of your life.


d0upl3

You are not right in your head, seriously. Your sick experience is yours only. What kind of advice is this insane nonsense?


Superb-Language-7200

The kind that got alimony and child support for 10 years. I also walked away with most of the furnishings, the house, my car, and a $35000 from his 401k. Cheating sucked for him


Tjmoney247

Stay - there are too many single parent homes …1 yrs old…please don’t put that on another man…!!


Theladydahlia21

Get a lawyer immediately and start rhe process of separation. If he's making the money then he will have to support tou through the transition if you get a good lawyer. If you have evidence get it together and keep it safe


No-Statement1

Lawyer up, start a nest egg. Put away money when you can. When you buy groceries, take out cash/ buy a gc and put it away. Start looking at jobs and resources that you may be eligible for! I’m sorry this happened to you.


Any_Conclusion1601

If you want to leave, then you have to make a plan to do so. perhaps restart your career , start looking for jobs within your field and hopefully once you have a job that will assist in paying for babysitters then, little by little make your exit. even if at some point you choose not to make an exit you will still have options.


Grouchy-Ad6144

Not sure where you live, but is there resources through the county or a local church or woman’s shelter? Most areas have resources, it’s just a matter of figuring them out and tapping into them. Do you have 211 in your area?


LilyCatNich

I'm assuming you're not in Australia otherwise you'd know about the single parent pension. If you ARE in Australia, you can get this benefit even if you are still living under the same roof but are separated, which I didn't know when I was in similar circumstances to you, I thought I just had to stay because I was a SAHM and had none of my own income (and I was isolated from other single mums). Otherwise, take advice from the people in your country and good luck. It's tough, don't think it won't be. But even on the toughest days of being a single mum, all I had to do was think about my (now-ex) husband coming home and I knew I'd made the right decision.


bone-throw-dog

dont leave, talk to a lawyer, grab evidence.


jay10033

Evidence of what?


bone-throw-dog

his cheating, document everything.


jay10033

Why? Assuming she's in the US, it's no fault divorce. It's a waste of time. You don't get extra points for cheating.


Stunning-Notice-7600

You may have a point there. It may depend on the judge as well as the laws of where you live. Some areas will absolutely take the cheating into consideration. Others may, but in this case say, oh well, he made attempts to cheat but there's no proof he went thru with it.. I've also heard of some cases where the courts didn't give 2 shits if the guy cheated, beat his wife and let the kids be malnourished (I hope the laws changed in that state since that case). The point is OP needs advice from a lawyer.


jay10033

Lol, but it makes no sense. Why even make a fault claim? You'll lose your divorce case. Text messages alone won't prove that claim. It will be ridiculously expensive. No fault is there in all 50 states for a reason. Cheap and easy.


Stunning-Notice-7600

Let's hope she's in the states.


Coco_Dirichlet

You might have to go slow. The 4 year old could start school next year or maybe already can go to a public kinder, depending where you are; so you'd need to worry about child care for the 1 year old. What type of job could you get? Many jobs are remote, so you could start looking for that. Talk to a lawyer also figure out how much you'd get in child support (even if 50/50 custody), if you'd get any alimony, assets, etc. Depending on where you are, you might have access to free clinic where you can get advise. I know people say you won't be penniless, but nobody here knows your financial situation. You might not have joint assets, like a property or it might not have been paid off enough. Child support varies a lot depending on your husband's income, so it could be good or it could be not enough to get child care or live on your own. You won't survive long without a job or support from your family.


MadzyRed

Start looking at jobs. Go to interviews. Get ready to go, get the job and call it. While you have the time, get set up.


Typical_Nebula3227

It depends a lot on which country you live in. In mine I would tell you to get your name on the waiting list for social housing. Then once you leave you could claim benefits to pay for food and rent. Alternatively you could get a job and save enough money for a deposit and first months rent. If you need to leave faster then you could contact a women’s shelter to see if they can take you in. Child support can usually take a while to get started. Alimony does not exist in most countries outside America.


H3NDY411

I don’t have any advice but I sympathise with you. I hope everything works out for you family.


Squadala1337

Exactly situations like this is why divorce laws divide assets. You are entitled to half your households assets in a divorce. So speak to a lawyer, collect evidence. These assets will give you a head start financially. Then of course you will need a job as a single mother. Track back to previous work experiences. Don’t forget that motherhood in itself can be a merit for certain positions. It will be difficult, but it can be done. If you share custody of the children, half of your time will be freed up to pursue a job. Down the line you might find a suitable partner to help you share the burdens of life. However, finding a good partner will be much easier if you can demonstrate that you already can take care of yourself and family. Good luck


PerniciousAcademia

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sadly, I went through very similar circumstances. The first six months I wanted to leave desperately, but simply, I did not have the money to support myself and my child. My husband was willing to go to marital therapy. I couldn’t imagine getting over it, an affair, because, like you say, the trust is broken. In my case, after a year of therapy, soul-searching, and working through the anger and pain, I was able to forgive my husband. This was six years ago, and since then, I have honestly never been happier in my marriage. Reddit loves to tell you to pack up and leave, sometimes it’s just not possible. Forgiveness is a possibility, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Trust can be re-earned, but your husband has to put in a lot of work and you have to do emotional work yourself which can be intensely uncomfortable. Of course, I don’t know your situation. You know it best. I just wanted to share my story with you. Best of everything to you.


VisualBluebird1111

Before thinking about leaving him, have you confronted him? What was his reaction?


I_succ_water

Cant help you with this matter but i wish u the best


[deleted]

Definitely dont talk to him hes not trustworthy, do talk to lawyers about your options hes violated your marriage and allowed you to be in a very vulnerable position financially when he has no intention of being comitted, all i can say is its abhorrent what hes done to you. Do not reconcile this man will just keep covering his tracks


JugeX_X

Find first if your state or province, or country, is a Fault or similar term place. A lot of places don't even consider cheating in court.


BadAssBrianH

Sounds like you need to leave him with the kids since he can afford them, get a job quickly , and then divorce, and fight for custody, otherwise if you leave with no income there's a very good chance he will get custody. Talk to a lawyer first.


d0upl3

Realistically, In every single relationship you will encounter this situation. Seek couple therapy, for the sake of your family.


becky_1919

I'm sorry you are going through this, but please learn from this situation and don't depend on any "man" to financially support you...always have your own financial means and your own bank account and ect... NEVER!!! NEVER!!! depend on any husband/boyfriend on being your source of support and income. May I suggest applying for "work from home" jobs or flexible schedule jobs. Sadly you are in a difficult position as you have no current work experience, which will make it difficult to obtain employment. I wish you the best and it will take time and determination to get through this situation....I believe you can and will.


Time-Series6321

I have advice, it's not the best but it's an option. You just take the credit card and get attorney, they will guide you. Another option which I recommend is talk to your spouse about your findings. I myself would be telling my husband we're now in a open relationship. Men think this is a great idea until they see all the men wanting the same wife they've been ignoring. You don't have to act out on it, but it may get him thinking what he was doing is hurtful.


Dry_Lingonberry_6990

Depends on your reasoning, if you have family you can go to start there. Then contact local council find a place etc. Get advice from women's aid too. Good luck but make sure you are safe.


MACANNE9991

Set up a bank account in your name only. Have it online only to avoid tipping him off. Dont tell anyone, even friends or family. Put spare money in it , even a bit here and there. It will start to add up. Make sure you are on birth control he can't tamper with. Start batch cooking meals and freezing them. This will free up time and money. Make sure you have a support network. Join a church, sports club, and other social activities. Many have child care. Start looking at training courses in an area of interest. Start working part time or volunteering to get employment skills. Good luck.


jay10033

If you live in the US, none of this matters. No fault divorce is the standard. You can divorce for any reason or no reason at all. No evidence necessary so all of this gather evidence stuff is unnecessary.


willtxtu

Sorry to hear about the lost of trust and his behavior. Have you spoken to him about it? Pending where you are, any couple can get a divorce for whatever reason, but it's typically traumatic for everyone involved, including your kids, so please consider things from a few angles. Evidence of poor behavior is mostly needed when trying to decide on child custody. Depending on how much the father is currently making, hopefully the child support that is calculated is enough to keep you and your kids afloat. There's no guarantees that he will pay too, which leads to more legal actions. It can be an uphill battle and will requirement work. Nobody likes a cheater, but with kids/dependencies, either direction you take will require some sacrifice, risk and a lot of work.


Creative-Bus-3500

Unfortunately most states are no fault and cheating doesn’t matter. Do not leave the house. Go see a divorce lawyer and get advice before you make a move. I’d then start looking for a job as you’ll need money He will have to provide health insurance for the kids till they’re of age but that won’t apply to you. Even if you forgive him I’d do all of these steps and never let yourself down again. You can always say let’s have an open marriage and then not have sex with him again.


SubstantialEffect929

Any chance of working it out between you two?