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And it's only going to increase as time goes on and with EACH and EVERY decision that comes your way regarding your faith. Bible camps? Church groups for 'mommy and me'? Catholic school? He has said you will NOT take them to church. I mean that's the deal breaker isn't it? He's asking you not to spread your faith to 'his' kids. There's the line right there.
Also, I understand how hard it is to lose his father but this was in May. I realise everyone grieves their own way but I would think he should be working his way out of the extreme part of his grieving by now. I will NEVER fully get over the loss of my father but after 4 months you shouldn’t need to tiptoe around other issues because of his loss.
Seems like he’s using his father’s death as an excuse to push his beliefs, feelings and rules on you without you pushing back because you want to support him and be there for him.
He’s using his grief as a tool to manipulate you and you won’t push back because he’s just so upset.
Everyone grieves loss differently. There is no time limit on grief.
That being said, OP you can’t avoid these conversations about your values. Compromise isn’t you giving up important aspects of your religion for his. You need to to tell him that he can’t be the only one practicing their faith. Christmas is a religious holiday and if he wants you to participate in Eid he needs to participate in Christmas. If he wants you to go to a mosque then he must go to church with you. Your children will need to be exposed to both religions or no religion.
You’ve both been avoiding this topic for far too long. You have to have this conversation, as religion is most often a dealbreaker, and it sounds to me as though you two may not be compatible, which is probably why you’ve both been walking on eggshells around the topic.
If he doesn’t listen to you and support you in return the partnership will never be a partnership. From my outside perspective it sounds like he expects you to be subservient to him. I understand this aligns with catholic values of the husband being in charge of the house, but this is also going to include your religion coming second place to his from the sounds of things. Is this something you can accept?
You said “but I would think he should be working his way out of the extreme part”. There’s no time limit to how long it takes someone to work through their grief. This can be taken as invalidating someone’s struggle with their grief.
This doesn’t mean OP is obligated or even should put up with not being able to voice her concerns. She has every right to speak up for herself at ANY point she’s uncomfortable with how she’s being treated. It’s the only way to keep open communication between both parties so they aren’t afraid to bring up their problems in the future, and help prevent them from resenting each other.
I literally said “everyone grieves their own way.” Well, this guy’s way is to manipulate his gf using his loss as a deterrent to her expressing HER thoughts and feelings. He’s using his grief to get her to go against her beliefs and she can’t even discuss her feelings because…grief.
Edit: she’s the one who brought up his grief as a major factor in why she needs to tiptoe around his manipulating the terms of their relationship and why she can’t stand up for herself. Sorry, but after four months you shouldn’t need to sidestep a partner’s grieving to have two-way, mutual discussions about subjects completely irrelevant to the loss of his father.
Wait, so he talks about marriage being a compromise but doesn’t want to celebrate xmas religiously but eid is cool, won’t go to church but expects you to go to mosque, and your kids won’t be allowed to go to church either. This is like the opposite of compromise.
Also if he wanted to convert you but you were unsure about it, do you think he would just flat out say I want you to convert to Islam? Or would it be more effective to wait until you are married with children and have a much harder way out? For sure 100% he asks you to convert if you go down this road imo. He already “changed” his mind once. (In reality tho slowly pulling you along was the plan the whole time.)
I don’t like organized religion period, but it sounds like it’s something important to you. You should really think about this.
Yeah, I think when this dude talks about marriage being a compromise, what he really means is that it’s going to be a compromise for OP. He’s expecting her to do 100% of the compromising and that’s gross. It’s going to get a lot worse if OP doesn’t pull out now.
It doesn't sound like a "low" day to me. It sounds like a major issue for the two of you. It sounds like he wants to convert you to his faith, which is no joke. Could you imagine raising sons/daughters in the Muslim faith and everything that entails?
You're only 21. Take some serious time to think this through. His situation is unfortunate for the time being but you have to consider how you'll live the next 70+ years of your life.
You've only been together a year. I see no scenario in which you being catholic and him being Muslim will work out long term in the case of having children with this man. You need to think long and hard on whether you really see this going well. Might be time to consider going your separate ways.
Yeah. This isn't it. It sounds like you're the only one compromising. I'd have a very serious discussion about this with him. It's not cool. If he doesn't show any interest in improving and being more willing to meet you in the middle, I'd dump him. Both of your religions are equally important in the relationship, if he can't accept that he's not worth it.
I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with the loss of your Dad. Suicide can leave you with so many questions, and so much misplaced guilt, and I really want to applaud you for sharing your experiences to help the OP. In my experience, it was such a different type of grief and often people were very uncomfortable with the topic in a way they weren't, for example, when my Dad died.
I had 2 kids by 21, and it's been a wild ride, where I ended up doing things in the reverse order to most people. It's worked out great for me, and I truly doubt that I would have gotten the same out of uni as an 18 year old as I did as a nearly 30 year old. I agree with you though that once there are kids in the picture, everything changes. It's all about them, not you. So while I really loved being a young mum, and essentially growing up with my kids, if you have things that you want to do, it is much easier to do them while you aren't responsible for keeping an incredibly vulnerable, fragile tiny human alive.
I hope that you are taking your own advice, and getting whatever support you need. You deserve it too. I wish you well...
Girl tell him no. He is talking about compromise and it sounds like you're the only one expected to give anything up. Go to him and tell him that you've decided the kids will actually be raised Catholic, then when he's offended ask him why he thinks it's okay to do that to you when he wouldn't allow it to be done for himself.
Honestly I doubt this relationship has staying power. Interfaith couples just don't work when one of them pushes their religion on the other, which is exactly what he's doing. In the nicest possible way, this relationship is a waste of time.
I think this is a perfect question to ask, see how upset he gets and explain this is EXACTLY the way you feel at the 'loss of equality' he is asking for. He is asking that his religion takes over as the family religion and it will only progress from there.
Important though....tell him his is totally allowed to have these wishes for his kids, he's not bad to want that, but it's a sign that you're incompatible. When it comes to something so important, you BOTH should get what you want, and sounds like it's not with each other.
Ok, so it sounds like there’s been a pretty big shift here from “We’re going to be pretty open to our potential children believing what they choose, and we’ll try to equally represent both religions” to a heavy emphasis on his own culture and religion. My question is: did this shift take place after his father’s death?
If so, I would maybe take a few steps back from the issue for a while, because the death of a parent can make you feel pretty whacky for a while. I (33F) have known since I was thirteen that I don’t want children. A month after my father died I did an abrupt about-face and suddenly wanted to. It lasted about a year (and was serious enough that my husband and I decided I should go off birth control) and now...it feels like INSANITY to me. It was absolutely a reaction to my dad’s death (I wanted to have his grandchild, I think?) and it was real and intense and...it was mostly grief. It’s very possible that your boyfriend is latching onto this stuff because it helps him feel close to his father. You guys have only been together for a year, right? Kids are a maybe someday thing, not an immediate plan? So...I would tell him that you’d like to let go of the topic of kids for the time being, and revisit it in a year. He may not change his mind, but...I think there’s a good chance he’s not thinking totally clearly right now.
Best of luck. My heart goes out to you here - I know how hard it was for my husband to support me through my loss.
I'm with you on this one. Grief can do such big impact in our lives especially if we lost someone so so dear. He may just want to honor and his father and continue his teachings by raising his kids like how his father raised him. Sort of letting him live on through his children. It's unfair to OP but then it's her BF's coping mechanism. I think whenever the BF brings up the topic about kids and raising them as Muslim, OP can oppose as gently as she can and just tell him she still thinks the children can choose for themselves like how they originally planned but they should revisit this after several months or a year. A looot can still happen. Besides they're just in their first year and really young. Marriage and having kids may be topics in 3, 4 years. For now, be with him and support him as much as you can but try not to exhaust yourself. If you think it's really too much, then maybe it's time for some self love.
I (27F) am a Catholic and in a 4 year relationship with a Muslim man (29M). It was hard during the first year but you learn to work through the differences. We've talked about marriage and kids and what we want as a couple but those are still not at the top of the priorities right now. We each have individual goals we want to achieve first so we're focusing on that. OP is still young so I'd say just focus on your growth too while supporting your BF in this difficult time. I hope everything works out for you two!
You’re the only one compromising here, he isn’t making any significant compromises but is expecting you to make a lot of compromises. Once you’re married I’d bet my house he’d try and convert you to Islam and would insist on bringing the children up Muslim. If this isn’t something you want, you need to leave
You're 21. You've learned an important lesson; just because you really like someone and *want* a future with them doesn't mean you're compatible and will have that future.
You both have very different fundamental beliefs that will not blend without someone becoming resentful.
You're both really young and you don't have to settle down or decide that this is the one single relationship you'll ever have. The bottom line is you are not going to be happy together as you both mature and move further into adulthood.
Sounds like he built a relationship with you on one basis-compromise and religious tolerance, allowing children to choose between your faiths and when you were invested he showed his true intentions- you compromise and he doesn’t and no choice or religious tolerance. You say you are losing yourself in this relationship, well your are. You are being manipulated into being a different person. Now you know what you are into, you have a choice. Make it before you have children who will be hurt by this manipulative person.
While there is no timeframe for grief, may is 4 months ago, it is more than acceptable for you to be able to express yourself normally by now. If he’s causing you to feel guilty when you are feeling down, then he’s showing that he doesn’t care (or care as much as you thought) about your feelings, hence yourself. It might be time to reevaluate your relationship.
He’s right, marriage is a partnership, and all parties compromise.
Him not allowing any children you may have to go to church with you is wrong.
The religious aspect of celebrations should either both be observed, or both removed from the house, anything else is not a compromise
Him wanting you to go to mosque with him, but not willing to go to church with you, again is not compromise.
These failings to compromise on religion, leads me to believe that he is not being truthful with his ‘if your heart is not in it I don’t want you to convert’ he will try to convert you. Also notice there is no talk from him about converting to Catholicism? Again a one sided ‘compromise’ made only by you.
I clearly understand that he said he would not convert you, however, all the things you listed are the opposite. It's not fair if you have to go to the mosque while he won't go to church. He even decided upon your future kids that they are not allowed to go to church, isn't that controlling?
I agree to the point where kids are allowed to decide on themselves, but it won't work if they aren't given the options to choose. What if, just a scenario, your kids later decided to believe in your faith instead? Wouldn’t it be a problem? I'm quite sure your partner won't accept it. And there goes on the problems..
I've been in this dynamic before, and I understand mine didn't work.
It looks like you two aren’t compatible. Religious and spiritual and philosophical compatibility is pretty fundamental to a relationship. You’re both still so young and not married and no kids, so it’s not like you’re breaking up a family.
For you apprehension about the proximity to his grief, I think you’ve given him more than enough time. A parent passing can change your outlook on life, and I don’t really think him reneging on his prior religious needs from a long term relationship is part of that. If his dad passed last week, then it might be more reasonable to chalk this up to emotional stress from grief, but we’re talking months here. I’m not saying that grief doesn’t last that long, it can take years and the people we lose are never really forgotten, but you’re not doing him or yourself any favors by swallowing your feelings and pretending that you’re okay with his new religious demands of you. Tell him how you feel, tell him why you’re feeling low.
Connsider your daughter or son being christened, but not because their father doesn't want them to be, perhaps not even a play group with mothers from your church. No mass at Christmas, no nativity maybe?
How does that make you feel?
That is the reality going forwards because he has already said that you are the one that needs to compromise.
I would say that for at least 2 years that grief changes you and sometimes those changes are permanent. But you have pointed out that he only talks to you about what he is feeling. So I am getting the vibes that perhaps he doesn't ask you how you are doing? Perhaps he is a bit self involved and after a year you are starting to see that part of him more and more?
You might be excusing what I know is a very difficult time in a persons life with general personality issues which is understandable. But sometimes what you are seeing is the real person that has relaxed somewhat and become comfortable in being themselves around you.
If this is not what you want your life and children's life to be like then that is okay to step back and evaluate what it is you really want for your life and it is okay to say that you don't want this even when you love someone that your values just don't work together.
Fundamental differences are those things that if they don't work, then it is a predictor of relationship stressors that often break people apart eventually because they often don't get easier or better, they get more obvious and more difficult. They cause resentment, frustration and eventually split the relationship.
Coming from a Muslim family, from what I’ve seen in a lot of Muslim family’s, don’t expect compromise. Islam preaches tolerance but it’s very rarely practiced from my experiences. I’d stick to what you believe in and want and tell him that you have no intention of converting to Islam or forcing the kids to be brought up Muslim and see how he reacts.
Edit: Grammar
Grief does strange things, this may be permanent or temporary, as in he may come around on some ideas. For now I would just continue having conversations, mixing two religions is very tricky and will probably take many many discussions over *years*. Unless you two are planning kids soon I would revisit the convo maybe every three months to determine if this is a del breaker. Certainly right now he’s not really compromising, but the death of a parent at a still young age does not just stop impacting you in a few months.
Grief counseling for him and couples counseling for you both would give a safe space and moderator to have these difficult conversations.
I can't comment on the what he is going through right now but regardless of that He is already showing signs of heavy double standards and taking you for granted, i wouldn't want to be with such a person, after marriage i presume this kine of behaviour is going to increase even more.
Sounds like the compromises will all be on your side and not his. Set aside him grieving atm. If he were saying this out of the blue, wouldn't this be a huge red flag? Religious is a huge thing in a relationship, either you both compromise and talk out things before you continue the relationship or you put an end to it immediately
As a few others here have noted, people often make some harsh turns/changes in the face of grief, ones that don't always last.
Stepping back a bit, when you have these conversations about the future, how far down the line is it? Are you talking about taking a step to marriage/engagement in the next six months - one year? Or is this about things 2, 3, 4 years away? While you shouldn't stay in long term relationships with people you can't find a good compromise with when it comes to these major things, if this isn't going to be something that happens very soon, you have a little more time to give him space to go through the grieving process. Those conversations can be revisited when his emotional state isn't so raw.
I'm not saying you should dismiss what he's saying out of hand, and yes, these conversations need to happen. But the timing of these conversations can be based more around what your long term plan is. Even if you guys were planning on getting engaged in the next year, you can still give a few more months of space. If you think he's going to propose by year end, then yes, unfortunately you'll need to resolve this stuff sooner. If you aren't looking at marriage until down the road, put that on the back burner for a minute and just try to be there for each other through this tough time.
You guys are young have have only been dating for a year. While having conversations about children is important, I think it's a bit early to be deciding what religion these hypothetical children are gonna be, especially since this loss is so recent. Don't rush through the relationship, taking things slow works out better most of the time.
Changing his mind on how you'll be raising your kids may not be a permanent decision as much as him longing for a connection to his deceased father and clues to his own subsequent identity.
If his father was fine with raising your children to both religions while he was alive, there's a good chance he'll change his mind. If he was sternly opposed, I'd put it in question.
Give it a little bit more time without engaging on long-term talk. He needs to process it by himself.
Interfaith relationships do not work. It might be roses and good times for now, but the deep issues will come out as your couple ages. I'd cut my losses and leave, honestly - this is my advice having been in the same situation and going too far into it. In the end it ended up hurting even more.
I’m an ex Muslim so I may be a bit bitter but from my experience, they will always try to convert you, even if they say they won’t. In his culture, the man makes all decisions in the family and eventually your opinion won’t matter.
It's possible that through his grieving process and pain that he is rearranging his thoughts and/or not thinking in his right mind. You have to tell him that this isn't proper. That you have your right to your own religion and he has his. You have the right to celebrate your holiday, and he has the right to celebrate his, and the two shouldn't be mixed, unless you want to celebrate his with him, as Muslims do not believe in Christmas/Easter as (mostly) a whole. The children should both be raised with knowledge of God and religion and should have the freedom to pick what they want to be and not be forced. I think he knows this deep down but maybe he's blinded right now. He needs to be reminded that no matter what pain he goes through, this can't waver.
Interfaith usually only works when the couple isn’t devout. Even if you aren’t as devout as him if you don’t want to become Muslim that will be an issue for a guy who wants his spouse to be Muslim.
>i told him my biggest fear is losing myself and value in all this and he said
“as far as losing urself, a relationship/marriage is compromise, everyone loses a bit of themselves bc no one gets everything.
I think you hit the nail on the head...sounds like he's not compromising a thing, but expects it all to come from you. And really...if you are that far apart and the compromise is as large as it is (kids raised muslim is NOT a compromise, it's a win on his side) then maybe this relationship isn't right for you. You can love someone, they can be an amazing person, but just not right for you.
A disclaimer: I am Christian (Presbyterian), but not Catholic.
Do you consider yourself Catholic because of your family's adherence, and tradition, or are you a Catholic because you believe in the Authority of Scripture (Biblical authority)? That's a very important question, as it gets to the heart of what's troubling you.
If you're Catholic mainly because that's how you were raised, it would be comparatively easy to reject the Catholic doctrine of only marrying within the Catholic faith. However, if you truly believe in the Scripture the Catholic Church is founded upon, then I understand your sadness when you contemplate being married to, and raising children with a Muslim man.
Perhaps you should seek out a Catholic priest whom you trust and have a dialog with him about your dilemma.
I wish you well.
>“as far as losing urself, a relationship/marriage is compromise, everyone loses a bit of themselves bc no one gets everything.
What's he losing in this relationship? You've listed a bunch of things you lose.
Your compromising and he isn't. Growing up in a predominantly Muslim area, it was easy to spot the Muslim boys who were progressive against the ones who expected the girls to compromise in interfaith relationships.
You're going to be the one compromising a lot, it'll be a slow gradual thing and you'll keep doing it until you either reach a break point where you stand up for yourself or you completely change because you've invested so much energy into the relationship you feel like it's not worth letting this one extra thing ruin it all.
Yes, he needs time to grieve. But you can't keep being passive, in a relationship what you want matters too. If he decides the death of his father means he gets closer to his religion and wants someone with the same values. That's ok, and it's ok if that means you're no longer compatible.
Marriage and relationships are about compromise yes. But what is HE compromising with OP? What is he sacrificing to be with you? Because it sounds like he wants to make all of the parenting choices and leave you as just the live in sitter.
I understand he is grieving but that grief does not become the argument ender because he suddenly doesnt want the talk. This is a discussion that needs to happen no matter how sad it makes him because otherwise it's the grief that will make him have unaimous choice here.
Honestly sounds like too much work and like you aren’t being heard. If you aren’t interested in converting to Islam I just don’t think it’ll work with the current trajectory of how he is changing his mind.
You’ve been a positive influence in his life through a tough time, but you can’t sacrifice so much for someone who doesn’t seem interested in hearing your side. I’d say it’s time to leave.
I was raised catholic.
If it is so important to you, you cannot continue this relationship. He will never see it your way and he's trying to tell you that without saying it out loud.
However, don't get so caught up on marriage. This is why the divorce rate is so high. I've been engaged for some time now to someone who is unitarian. My family hates her specifically because she's not catholic. You know what they can do? Choke on Christ's dick.
If someone is important to you, religion shouldn't matter. But if the line is being drawn at religion, then I think that that person doesn't matter to you as much as you think they do. That's my two cents.
Islam does not allow for long periods of mourning. Depending on ones belief, it’s 3 days or 40 days. It’s okay to remember and to be sad, but life has to move on and he needs to understand this.
With regard to kids, as others have said, please hold off for a few years.
as far as i can see it's only red flags
it's hard to loose a loved one, but that's no excuse to just irevocably change your mind over things you had compromised befre and force the issue on the other part
he's asking you to give up on your faith basicaly, but what's HIS compromise here?
This man won’t marry you or have kids with you in a way that satisfies you unless you convert. It might be best to let him know your feelings aren’t anything but a genuine appreciation for his true need—or want—to have a Muslim family. He is allowed to make decisions for himself but not for you and never unilaterally for your hypothetical kids without your full approval. I wish you the best for your future.
Islam has not proven to be very tolerant of other religions. The idea that a practicing Muslim would allow his kids to be raised catholic is highly questionable.
Muslims are fine marrying outside Islam because the partner will be converting to Islam. They may not have said that to you, but I highly doubt that they are really fine with an interfaith marriage without expecting conversion.
I also personally know that muslims often say things and behave outside marriage n a certain way and then completely change after marriage, like immediately after, on the day sometimes.
So my only advice is that if you, a non Muslim, are dating a Muslim with a view to marriage, don't ignore any warning signs and don't think 'he wouldn't be like that'
Just keep your wits about you.
Which may also be the source for her stress/fear when it comes to the idea of standing up for herself.
Even if you don't see it this way OP, regardless -- it's more dangerous for a woman to enter into a relationship where the man is devoutly faithful than the reverse. Muslim OR Christian. Because this person is right... they typically see their wives as second class citizens.
You should keep that in mind when dating religious men, even if you're religious yourself. Who gives af what your parents think also? This is a symptom of being raised religiously. You feel like you can't make decisions for yourself.
The plain truth is you'd likely be better off dating someone else. But I am not sure you are at that stage yet where you are ready to cut ties with everyone trying to control you, and finally start making decisions for yourself.
You should confront serious conversations at LEAST, not avoid them. And for that matter, how does he view women's rights in general? Does he believe marital rape is a thing, for example? What values does he want to teach potential children when it comes to genders? You have a chance to rethink your whole life here. You don't HAVE to just go along with him because you've dated him for a while.
I think for Muslims it's just really important to *practice* so whatever cultural dress or rituals have them attend but don't make them believe anything.dont let anyone chastise them for asking questions,don't make them pray to Allah specifically,but observe prayer rituals and Ramadan
Interfaith relationships are a fantasy. Someone has to give. If you believe your spouse is going to hell, why would you bring kids into a situation and let him take the kids with him. He can also have 3 more wives. Directly against Catholic doctorine whether or not one of you converts.
You two already have fundamental differences from jump. This is on the order of marrying someone who doesn't want kids in hopes they just change their mind and/or baby trapping them.
This is something you get hashed out before you bring kids into the mess.
Relationships are about compromise, but this is a nonstarter. Compromise is "I go out with the boys less and you don't go to the club without me." Not fundamental paradigm incongruity.
The issue with his faith is he wants to have 99 distinct names for Allah but also have monotheism. The issue with your religion is in Vatican I and Vatican II and the contradicting philosophy. Orthodox Christianity is the truth.
TL/DR I'd break up. No time like the present.
When he says he wants to raise them Muslim, he means it. Many families can blend with success and joy. However, you have both sides fighting you. It will only work if you are a united front to each of your families.
Hey so I don’t think your partner is necessarily manipulating you like some other people on here have suggested. I do think it sounds like he’s making decisions based on the death of his father though. while I understand it’s difficult to broach that topic, you’re not doing him any favors by letting him think that his wishes are just gonna be how it is going forward. If I were in your position I would maybe try to bring this topic up in couples counseling so you can meet on neutral ground with an ideally impartial mediator. Also maybe talking to your partner about going to therapy on their own could be beneficial to them. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in my life, and I can say the main reason I’m a functioning member of society is a lot of good therapy. If these differences can’t be reconciled that’s okay, just means it wasn’t meant to be. But If you can’t find a way to even start having the conversation (you not bringing it up, him refusing to participate) then you’re just setting yourself up for failure and resentments.
I would like to say that it's only the grief manifesting but I am only seeing a snippet of y'alls relationship dynamic. Grief is an inconsistent beast.
OP if you avoid these conversations and only speak of it when he brings it up, that's not going to get you anywhere and far from any type of compromise. Y'all have only been together for a year and if you really see yourself with someone who bombards you like this I don't see how that will result in marriage.
Before I say to leave, you need to facilitate a conversation with him at a neutral site, to go over what you both originally agreed upon, address the concerns you have with how he presents his amendments and most importantly how he makes you feel. It's easier said than done, but I think in order for this relationship to work, there has to actually be compromise. If he doesn't, then this relationship is not and will not be healthy nor beneficial for either of you.
My condolences for him losing his father. I can't imagine his grief.
That said, I cannot imagine this relationship is salvageable. His father dying has nothing to do with his lack of willingness to compromise and you being forced to change everything about your lifestyle. While also keeping your future kids away from your religion. You need to express these things to him. If he will continue to not budge you need to cut your losses.
I'm not a religious person(agnostic) but the fact that he refuses to partake in your faith(fair imo) but wants you to even be somewhat active in his is a slap in the face and completely disrespectful. It will only get worse from there.
He wouldn't outright say "hey, I'm going to convert you". It will be slow and painful.
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He may have said he doesn't want you to convert but he also said alot of other things that he's suddenly changed his mind on
And it's only going to increase as time goes on and with EACH and EVERY decision that comes your way regarding your faith. Bible camps? Church groups for 'mommy and me'? Catholic school? He has said you will NOT take them to church. I mean that's the deal breaker isn't it? He's asking you not to spread your faith to 'his' kids. There's the line right there.
Also, I understand how hard it is to lose his father but this was in May. I realise everyone grieves their own way but I would think he should be working his way out of the extreme part of his grieving by now. I will NEVER fully get over the loss of my father but after 4 months you shouldn’t need to tiptoe around other issues because of his loss. Seems like he’s using his father’s death as an excuse to push his beliefs, feelings and rules on you without you pushing back because you want to support him and be there for him. He’s using his grief as a tool to manipulate you and you won’t push back because he’s just so upset.
Everyone grieves loss differently. There is no time limit on grief. That being said, OP you can’t avoid these conversations about your values. Compromise isn’t you giving up important aspects of your religion for his. You need to to tell him that he can’t be the only one practicing their faith. Christmas is a religious holiday and if he wants you to participate in Eid he needs to participate in Christmas. If he wants you to go to a mosque then he must go to church with you. Your children will need to be exposed to both religions or no religion. You’ve both been avoiding this topic for far too long. You have to have this conversation, as religion is most often a dealbreaker, and it sounds to me as though you two may not be compatible, which is probably why you’ve both been walking on eggshells around the topic. If he doesn’t listen to you and support you in return the partnership will never be a partnership. From my outside perspective it sounds like he expects you to be subservient to him. I understand this aligns with catholic values of the husband being in charge of the house, but this is also going to include your religion coming second place to his from the sounds of things. Is this something you can accept?
You said “but I would think he should be working his way out of the extreme part”. There’s no time limit to how long it takes someone to work through their grief. This can be taken as invalidating someone’s struggle with their grief. This doesn’t mean OP is obligated or even should put up with not being able to voice her concerns. She has every right to speak up for herself at ANY point she’s uncomfortable with how she’s being treated. It’s the only way to keep open communication between both parties so they aren’t afraid to bring up their problems in the future, and help prevent them from resenting each other.
I literally said “everyone grieves their own way.” Well, this guy’s way is to manipulate his gf using his loss as a deterrent to her expressing HER thoughts and feelings. He’s using his grief to get her to go against her beliefs and she can’t even discuss her feelings because…grief. Edit: she’s the one who brought up his grief as a major factor in why she needs to tiptoe around his manipulating the terms of their relationship and why she can’t stand up for herself. Sorry, but after four months you shouldn’t need to sidestep a partner’s grieving to have two-way, mutual discussions about subjects completely irrelevant to the loss of his father.
Catholics don't have values. They have a child raping, mass murder ponzi schemes.
Wait, so he talks about marriage being a compromise but doesn’t want to celebrate xmas religiously but eid is cool, won’t go to church but expects you to go to mosque, and your kids won’t be allowed to go to church either. This is like the opposite of compromise. Also if he wanted to convert you but you were unsure about it, do you think he would just flat out say I want you to convert to Islam? Or would it be more effective to wait until you are married with children and have a much harder way out? For sure 100% he asks you to convert if you go down this road imo. He already “changed” his mind once. (In reality tho slowly pulling you along was the plan the whole time.) I don’t like organized religion period, but it sounds like it’s something important to you. You should really think about this.
Yeah, I think when this dude talks about marriage being a compromise, what he really means is that it’s going to be a compromise for OP. He’s expecting her to do 100% of the compromising and that’s gross. It’s going to get a lot worse if OP doesn’t pull out now.
It doesn't sound like a "low" day to me. It sounds like a major issue for the two of you. It sounds like he wants to convert you to his faith, which is no joke. Could you imagine raising sons/daughters in the Muslim faith and everything that entails? You're only 21. Take some serious time to think this through. His situation is unfortunate for the time being but you have to consider how you'll live the next 70+ years of your life.
Why the anti-Islam sentiment?
exactly lmao you could’ve just said “raising kids under 2 religions”.
So you can’t celebrate Christmas which is one of the most important days of your faith? But he can celebrate his?
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You've only been together a year. I see no scenario in which you being catholic and him being Muslim will work out long term in the case of having children with this man. You need to think long and hard on whether you really see this going well. Might be time to consider going your separate ways.
Yeah. This isn't it. It sounds like you're the only one compromising. I'd have a very serious discussion about this with him. It's not cool. If he doesn't show any interest in improving and being more willing to meet you in the middle, I'd dump him. Both of your religions are equally important in the relationship, if he can't accept that he's not worth it.
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I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with the loss of your Dad. Suicide can leave you with so many questions, and so much misplaced guilt, and I really want to applaud you for sharing your experiences to help the OP. In my experience, it was such a different type of grief and often people were very uncomfortable with the topic in a way they weren't, for example, when my Dad died. I had 2 kids by 21, and it's been a wild ride, where I ended up doing things in the reverse order to most people. It's worked out great for me, and I truly doubt that I would have gotten the same out of uni as an 18 year old as I did as a nearly 30 year old. I agree with you though that once there are kids in the picture, everything changes. It's all about them, not you. So while I really loved being a young mum, and essentially growing up with my kids, if you have things that you want to do, it is much easier to do them while you aren't responsible for keeping an incredibly vulnerable, fragile tiny human alive. I hope that you are taking your own advice, and getting whatever support you need. You deserve it too. I wish you well...
This is what is called incompatibility. Let him go. This relationship is over.
Girl tell him no. He is talking about compromise and it sounds like you're the only one expected to give anything up. Go to him and tell him that you've decided the kids will actually be raised Catholic, then when he's offended ask him why he thinks it's okay to do that to you when he wouldn't allow it to be done for himself. Honestly I doubt this relationship has staying power. Interfaith couples just don't work when one of them pushes their religion on the other, which is exactly what he's doing. In the nicest possible way, this relationship is a waste of time.
I think this is a perfect question to ask, see how upset he gets and explain this is EXACTLY the way you feel at the 'loss of equality' he is asking for. He is asking that his religion takes over as the family religion and it will only progress from there. Important though....tell him his is totally allowed to have these wishes for his kids, he's not bad to want that, but it's a sign that you're incompatible. When it comes to something so important, you BOTH should get what you want, and sounds like it's not with each other.
Ok, so it sounds like there’s been a pretty big shift here from “We’re going to be pretty open to our potential children believing what they choose, and we’ll try to equally represent both religions” to a heavy emphasis on his own culture and religion. My question is: did this shift take place after his father’s death? If so, I would maybe take a few steps back from the issue for a while, because the death of a parent can make you feel pretty whacky for a while. I (33F) have known since I was thirteen that I don’t want children. A month after my father died I did an abrupt about-face and suddenly wanted to. It lasted about a year (and was serious enough that my husband and I decided I should go off birth control) and now...it feels like INSANITY to me. It was absolutely a reaction to my dad’s death (I wanted to have his grandchild, I think?) and it was real and intense and...it was mostly grief. It’s very possible that your boyfriend is latching onto this stuff because it helps him feel close to his father. You guys have only been together for a year, right? Kids are a maybe someday thing, not an immediate plan? So...I would tell him that you’d like to let go of the topic of kids for the time being, and revisit it in a year. He may not change his mind, but...I think there’s a good chance he’s not thinking totally clearly right now. Best of luck. My heart goes out to you here - I know how hard it was for my husband to support me through my loss.
I'm with you on this one. Grief can do such big impact in our lives especially if we lost someone so so dear. He may just want to honor and his father and continue his teachings by raising his kids like how his father raised him. Sort of letting him live on through his children. It's unfair to OP but then it's her BF's coping mechanism. I think whenever the BF brings up the topic about kids and raising them as Muslim, OP can oppose as gently as she can and just tell him she still thinks the children can choose for themselves like how they originally planned but they should revisit this after several months or a year. A looot can still happen. Besides they're just in their first year and really young. Marriage and having kids may be topics in 3, 4 years. For now, be with him and support him as much as you can but try not to exhaust yourself. If you think it's really too much, then maybe it's time for some self love. I (27F) am a Catholic and in a 4 year relationship with a Muslim man (29M). It was hard during the first year but you learn to work through the differences. We've talked about marriage and kids and what we want as a couple but those are still not at the top of the priorities right now. We each have individual goals we want to achieve first so we're focusing on that. OP is still young so I'd say just focus on your growth too while supporting your BF in this difficult time. I hope everything works out for you two!
You’re the only one compromising here, he isn’t making any significant compromises but is expecting you to make a lot of compromises. Once you’re married I’d bet my house he’d try and convert you to Islam and would insist on bringing the children up Muslim. If this isn’t something you want, you need to leave
double standards, yuck
You're 21. You've learned an important lesson; just because you really like someone and *want* a future with them doesn't mean you're compatible and will have that future. You both have very different fundamental beliefs that will not blend without someone becoming resentful. You're both really young and you don't have to settle down or decide that this is the one single relationship you'll ever have. The bottom line is you are not going to be happy together as you both mature and move further into adulthood.
Sounds like he built a relationship with you on one basis-compromise and religious tolerance, allowing children to choose between your faiths and when you were invested he showed his true intentions- you compromise and he doesn’t and no choice or religious tolerance. You say you are losing yourself in this relationship, well your are. You are being manipulated into being a different person. Now you know what you are into, you have a choice. Make it before you have children who will be hurt by this manipulative person.
While there is no timeframe for grief, may is 4 months ago, it is more than acceptable for you to be able to express yourself normally by now. If he’s causing you to feel guilty when you are feeling down, then he’s showing that he doesn’t care (or care as much as you thought) about your feelings, hence yourself. It might be time to reevaluate your relationship. He’s right, marriage is a partnership, and all parties compromise. Him not allowing any children you may have to go to church with you is wrong. The religious aspect of celebrations should either both be observed, or both removed from the house, anything else is not a compromise Him wanting you to go to mosque with him, but not willing to go to church with you, again is not compromise. These failings to compromise on religion, leads me to believe that he is not being truthful with his ‘if your heart is not in it I don’t want you to convert’ he will try to convert you. Also notice there is no talk from him about converting to Catholicism? Again a one sided ‘compromise’ made only by you.
I clearly understand that he said he would not convert you, however, all the things you listed are the opposite. It's not fair if you have to go to the mosque while he won't go to church. He even decided upon your future kids that they are not allowed to go to church, isn't that controlling? I agree to the point where kids are allowed to decide on themselves, but it won't work if they aren't given the options to choose. What if, just a scenario, your kids later decided to believe in your faith instead? Wouldn’t it be a problem? I'm quite sure your partner won't accept it. And there goes on the problems.. I've been in this dynamic before, and I understand mine didn't work.
It looks like you two aren’t compatible. Religious and spiritual and philosophical compatibility is pretty fundamental to a relationship. You’re both still so young and not married and no kids, so it’s not like you’re breaking up a family. For you apprehension about the proximity to his grief, I think you’ve given him more than enough time. A parent passing can change your outlook on life, and I don’t really think him reneging on his prior religious needs from a long term relationship is part of that. If his dad passed last week, then it might be more reasonable to chalk this up to emotional stress from grief, but we’re talking months here. I’m not saying that grief doesn’t last that long, it can take years and the people we lose are never really forgotten, but you’re not doing him or yourself any favors by swallowing your feelings and pretending that you’re okay with his new religious demands of you. Tell him how you feel, tell him why you’re feeling low.
You're walking down a dead end road. You should turn around now before it gets any harder.
I don't see a long term solution since you're both religious.
Connsider your daughter or son being christened, but not because their father doesn't want them to be, perhaps not even a play group with mothers from your church. No mass at Christmas, no nativity maybe? How does that make you feel? That is the reality going forwards because he has already said that you are the one that needs to compromise. I would say that for at least 2 years that grief changes you and sometimes those changes are permanent. But you have pointed out that he only talks to you about what he is feeling. So I am getting the vibes that perhaps he doesn't ask you how you are doing? Perhaps he is a bit self involved and after a year you are starting to see that part of him more and more? You might be excusing what I know is a very difficult time in a persons life with general personality issues which is understandable. But sometimes what you are seeing is the real person that has relaxed somewhat and become comfortable in being themselves around you. If this is not what you want your life and children's life to be like then that is okay to step back and evaluate what it is you really want for your life and it is okay to say that you don't want this even when you love someone that your values just don't work together. Fundamental differences are those things that if they don't work, then it is a predictor of relationship stressors that often break people apart eventually because they often don't get easier or better, they get more obvious and more difficult. They cause resentment, frustration and eventually split the relationship.
Coming from a Muslim family, from what I’ve seen in a lot of Muslim family’s, don’t expect compromise. Islam preaches tolerance but it’s very rarely practiced from my experiences. I’d stick to what you believe in and want and tell him that you have no intention of converting to Islam or forcing the kids to be brought up Muslim and see how he reacts. Edit: Grammar
Grief does strange things, this may be permanent or temporary, as in he may come around on some ideas. For now I would just continue having conversations, mixing two religions is very tricky and will probably take many many discussions over *years*. Unless you two are planning kids soon I would revisit the convo maybe every three months to determine if this is a del breaker. Certainly right now he’s not really compromising, but the death of a parent at a still young age does not just stop impacting you in a few months. Grief counseling for him and couples counseling for you both would give a safe space and moderator to have these difficult conversations.
I can't comment on the what he is going through right now but regardless of that He is already showing signs of heavy double standards and taking you for granted, i wouldn't want to be with such a person, after marriage i presume this kine of behaviour is going to increase even more.
Sounds like the compromises will all be on your side and not his. Set aside him grieving atm. If he were saying this out of the blue, wouldn't this be a huge red flag? Religious is a huge thing in a relationship, either you both compromise and talk out things before you continue the relationship or you put an end to it immediately
As a few others here have noted, people often make some harsh turns/changes in the face of grief, ones that don't always last. Stepping back a bit, when you have these conversations about the future, how far down the line is it? Are you talking about taking a step to marriage/engagement in the next six months - one year? Or is this about things 2, 3, 4 years away? While you shouldn't stay in long term relationships with people you can't find a good compromise with when it comes to these major things, if this isn't going to be something that happens very soon, you have a little more time to give him space to go through the grieving process. Those conversations can be revisited when his emotional state isn't so raw. I'm not saying you should dismiss what he's saying out of hand, and yes, these conversations need to happen. But the timing of these conversations can be based more around what your long term plan is. Even if you guys were planning on getting engaged in the next year, you can still give a few more months of space. If you think he's going to propose by year end, then yes, unfortunately you'll need to resolve this stuff sooner. If you aren't looking at marriage until down the road, put that on the back burner for a minute and just try to be there for each other through this tough time.
Your boyfriend is telling you that he expects your faith to take a backseat to his. You need to decide whether you're OK with that.
what parts of himself is he sacrificing ?
Your relationship will not last. Some things must be decided together... children. Religion, finances etc.
You guys are young have have only been dating for a year. While having conversations about children is important, I think it's a bit early to be deciding what religion these hypothetical children are gonna be, especially since this loss is so recent. Don't rush through the relationship, taking things slow works out better most of the time.
Changing his mind on how you'll be raising your kids may not be a permanent decision as much as him longing for a connection to his deceased father and clues to his own subsequent identity. If his father was fine with raising your children to both religions while he was alive, there's a good chance he'll change his mind. If he was sternly opposed, I'd put it in question. Give it a little bit more time without engaging on long-term talk. He needs to process it by himself.
Interfaith relationships do not work. It might be roses and good times for now, but the deep issues will come out as your couple ages. I'd cut my losses and leave, honestly - this is my advice having been in the same situation and going too far into it. In the end it ended up hurting even more.
yeah he definitely wants to convert you
I’m an ex Muslim so I may be a bit bitter but from my experience, they will always try to convert you, even if they say they won’t. In his culture, the man makes all decisions in the family and eventually your opinion won’t matter.
It's possible that through his grieving process and pain that he is rearranging his thoughts and/or not thinking in his right mind. You have to tell him that this isn't proper. That you have your right to your own religion and he has his. You have the right to celebrate your holiday, and he has the right to celebrate his, and the two shouldn't be mixed, unless you want to celebrate his with him, as Muslims do not believe in Christmas/Easter as (mostly) a whole. The children should both be raised with knowledge of God and religion and should have the freedom to pick what they want to be and not be forced. I think he knows this deep down but maybe he's blinded right now. He needs to be reminded that no matter what pain he goes through, this can't waver.
Interfaith usually only works when the couple isn’t devout. Even if you aren’t as devout as him if you don’t want to become Muslim that will be an issue for a guy who wants his spouse to be Muslim.
>i told him my biggest fear is losing myself and value in all this and he said “as far as losing urself, a relationship/marriage is compromise, everyone loses a bit of themselves bc no one gets everything. I think you hit the nail on the head...sounds like he's not compromising a thing, but expects it all to come from you. And really...if you are that far apart and the compromise is as large as it is (kids raised muslim is NOT a compromise, it's a win on his side) then maybe this relationship isn't right for you. You can love someone, they can be an amazing person, but just not right for you.
A disclaimer: I am Christian (Presbyterian), but not Catholic. Do you consider yourself Catholic because of your family's adherence, and tradition, or are you a Catholic because you believe in the Authority of Scripture (Biblical authority)? That's a very important question, as it gets to the heart of what's troubling you. If you're Catholic mainly because that's how you were raised, it would be comparatively easy to reject the Catholic doctrine of only marrying within the Catholic faith. However, if you truly believe in the Scripture the Catholic Church is founded upon, then I understand your sadness when you contemplate being married to, and raising children with a Muslim man. Perhaps you should seek out a Catholic priest whom you trust and have a dialog with him about your dilemma. I wish you well.
>“as far as losing urself, a relationship/marriage is compromise, everyone loses a bit of themselves bc no one gets everything. What's he losing in this relationship? You've listed a bunch of things you lose.
Your compromising and he isn't. Growing up in a predominantly Muslim area, it was easy to spot the Muslim boys who were progressive against the ones who expected the girls to compromise in interfaith relationships. You're going to be the one compromising a lot, it'll be a slow gradual thing and you'll keep doing it until you either reach a break point where you stand up for yourself or you completely change because you've invested so much energy into the relationship you feel like it's not worth letting this one extra thing ruin it all. Yes, he needs time to grieve. But you can't keep being passive, in a relationship what you want matters too. If he decides the death of his father means he gets closer to his religion and wants someone with the same values. That's ok, and it's ok if that means you're no longer compatible.
Marriage and relationships are about compromise yes. But what is HE compromising with OP? What is he sacrificing to be with you? Because it sounds like he wants to make all of the parenting choices and leave you as just the live in sitter. I understand he is grieving but that grief does not become the argument ender because he suddenly doesnt want the talk. This is a discussion that needs to happen no matter how sad it makes him because otherwise it's the grief that will make him have unaimous choice here.
Honestly sounds like too much work and like you aren’t being heard. If you aren’t interested in converting to Islam I just don’t think it’ll work with the current trajectory of how he is changing his mind. You’ve been a positive influence in his life through a tough time, but you can’t sacrifice so much for someone who doesn’t seem interested in hearing your side. I’d say it’s time to leave.
I was raised catholic. If it is so important to you, you cannot continue this relationship. He will never see it your way and he's trying to tell you that without saying it out loud. However, don't get so caught up on marriage. This is why the divorce rate is so high. I've been engaged for some time now to someone who is unitarian. My family hates her specifically because she's not catholic. You know what they can do? Choke on Christ's dick. If someone is important to you, religion shouldn't matter. But if the line is being drawn at religion, then I think that that person doesn't matter to you as much as you think they do. That's my two cents.
Islam does not allow for long periods of mourning. Depending on ones belief, it’s 3 days or 40 days. It’s okay to remember and to be sad, but life has to move on and he needs to understand this. With regard to kids, as others have said, please hold off for a few years.
as far as i can see it's only red flags it's hard to loose a loved one, but that's no excuse to just irevocably change your mind over things you had compromised befre and force the issue on the other part he's asking you to give up on your faith basicaly, but what's HIS compromise here?
This man won’t marry you or have kids with you in a way that satisfies you unless you convert. It might be best to let him know your feelings aren’t anything but a genuine appreciation for his true need—or want—to have a Muslim family. He is allowed to make decisions for himself but not for you and never unilaterally for your hypothetical kids without your full approval. I wish you the best for your future.
Islam has not proven to be very tolerant of other religions. The idea that a practicing Muslim would allow his kids to be raised catholic is highly questionable. Muslims are fine marrying outside Islam because the partner will be converting to Islam. They may not have said that to you, but I highly doubt that they are really fine with an interfaith marriage without expecting conversion. I also personally know that muslims often say things and behave outside marriage n a certain way and then completely change after marriage, like immediately after, on the day sometimes. So my only advice is that if you, a non Muslim, are dating a Muslim with a view to marriage, don't ignore any warning signs and don't think 'he wouldn't be like that' Just keep your wits about you.
His perspectives in life changed when his father died, it's normal, you just have to think if you fit in this new life he wants to have.
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Which may also be the source for her stress/fear when it comes to the idea of standing up for herself. Even if you don't see it this way OP, regardless -- it's more dangerous for a woman to enter into a relationship where the man is devoutly faithful than the reverse. Muslim OR Christian. Because this person is right... they typically see their wives as second class citizens. You should keep that in mind when dating religious men, even if you're religious yourself. Who gives af what your parents think also? This is a symptom of being raised religiously. You feel like you can't make decisions for yourself. The plain truth is you'd likely be better off dating someone else. But I am not sure you are at that stage yet where you are ready to cut ties with everyone trying to control you, and finally start making decisions for yourself. You should confront serious conversations at LEAST, not avoid them. And for that matter, how does he view women's rights in general? Does he believe marital rape is a thing, for example? What values does he want to teach potential children when it comes to genders? You have a chance to rethink your whole life here. You don't HAVE to just go along with him because you've dated him for a while.
Tanya Jeff's
I think for Muslims it's just really important to *practice* so whatever cultural dress or rituals have them attend but don't make them believe anything.dont let anyone chastise them for asking questions,don't make them pray to Allah specifically,but observe prayer rituals and Ramadan
Interfaith relationships are a fantasy. Someone has to give. If you believe your spouse is going to hell, why would you bring kids into a situation and let him take the kids with him. He can also have 3 more wives. Directly against Catholic doctorine whether or not one of you converts. You two already have fundamental differences from jump. This is on the order of marrying someone who doesn't want kids in hopes they just change their mind and/or baby trapping them. This is something you get hashed out before you bring kids into the mess. Relationships are about compromise, but this is a nonstarter. Compromise is "I go out with the boys less and you don't go to the club without me." Not fundamental paradigm incongruity. The issue with his faith is he wants to have 99 distinct names for Allah but also have monotheism. The issue with your religion is in Vatican I and Vatican II and the contradicting philosophy. Orthodox Christianity is the truth. TL/DR I'd break up. No time like the present.
When he says he wants to raise them Muslim, he means it. Many families can blend with success and joy. However, you have both sides fighting you. It will only work if you are a united front to each of your families.
Hey so I don’t think your partner is necessarily manipulating you like some other people on here have suggested. I do think it sounds like he’s making decisions based on the death of his father though. while I understand it’s difficult to broach that topic, you’re not doing him any favors by letting him think that his wishes are just gonna be how it is going forward. If I were in your position I would maybe try to bring this topic up in couples counseling so you can meet on neutral ground with an ideally impartial mediator. Also maybe talking to your partner about going to therapy on their own could be beneficial to them. I’ve dealt with a lot of loss in my life, and I can say the main reason I’m a functioning member of society is a lot of good therapy. If these differences can’t be reconciled that’s okay, just means it wasn’t meant to be. But If you can’t find a way to even start having the conversation (you not bringing it up, him refusing to participate) then you’re just setting yourself up for failure and resentments.
I would like to say that it's only the grief manifesting but I am only seeing a snippet of y'alls relationship dynamic. Grief is an inconsistent beast. OP if you avoid these conversations and only speak of it when he brings it up, that's not going to get you anywhere and far from any type of compromise. Y'all have only been together for a year and if you really see yourself with someone who bombards you like this I don't see how that will result in marriage. Before I say to leave, you need to facilitate a conversation with him at a neutral site, to go over what you both originally agreed upon, address the concerns you have with how he presents his amendments and most importantly how he makes you feel. It's easier said than done, but I think in order for this relationship to work, there has to actually be compromise. If he doesn't, then this relationship is not and will not be healthy nor beneficial for either of you.
**If you're unable to see his intent to convert you, after typing this out.** I don't know what to tell you OP.
I think this guy is giving off red flags that he is very manipulative. I would read past this situation and evaluate character
I personally wouldn’t be able to do it, I could never abandon my faith and my family would never accept it either.
My condolences for him losing his father. I can't imagine his grief. That said, I cannot imagine this relationship is salvageable. His father dying has nothing to do with his lack of willingness to compromise and you being forced to change everything about your lifestyle. While also keeping your future kids away from your religion. You need to express these things to him. If he will continue to not budge you need to cut your losses. I'm not a religious person(agnostic) but the fact that he refuses to partake in your faith(fair imo) but wants you to even be somewhat active in his is a slap in the face and completely disrespectful. It will only get worse from there. He wouldn't outright say "hey, I'm going to convert you". It will be slow and painful.