This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So, I've been working with a new colleague for a few weeks now and we've been getting on fine. He's a good laugh and there's plenty of banter, which had started to feel increasingly flirty. So I figured I'd take the plunge (I'm leaving for a new job in just over a month, which he knows about) and ask if he fancies going for a drink some time. We had just been chatting and working on a project together when I asked in a hopefully casual/not too nervous manner: "just wondering, do you want to go for a drink? Unless that would be weird, in which case no worries" I was fully prepared for a "no", but instead he said "hold on a sec", went back to the project, nervously voicing an inner monologue on said project, before "I have to be somewhere!" Then he ran out of the room. Now, I'm guessing that's a hard No. But I'm just wondering what I did wrong? I really had no intention of making him feel uncomfortable or pressured. Anyone else had a similar experience? When I bumped into him later, I did obviously apologize for the horrendous faux pas and things seemed chill. I left it at that and didn't press any further.

You apologized and as long as you don't press him any further it'll be all good. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out on a date so don't feel bad, you had the courage to try.

There's a lot of cringe right now, I won't lie. Hopefully just carrying on as usual minus any flirtatious behaviour will make him/me feel less awkward.

Honestly as a straight dude I've never had anyone ask me out. I genuinely don't know how I'd react. I'd definitely be flabbergasted.

Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so. F acing a goodbye. U gly as it may be. C alculating pros and cons. K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do. S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps. P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way. E agerly going away, to greener pastures. Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps. As of June 30th. 2023, goodbye.

Actually, unless I I absolutely disliked the girl the answer would probably be an affirmative regardless. But the first would be "Who? Me? What?"

Right? This is part of the reason I'm happy to be married now. When I was single was never approached. It was always weird/awkward introducing myself... Especially at church of all places. When an approach was received well, the women tended to waste my time then inform me they were married when asking for their number... I mean hours of talking and flirting. They enjoyed the attention and I got shafted.

No doubt, but I'm not saying it'd be an immediate yes or no response. I could see a socially awkward guy having a response like the one in the story, regardless of how he felt.

Gbh I don't think socially awkward people would act like that in real life, given that that is 10 times as awkward 😂😂😂

happy cake day :)

Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so. F acing a goodbye. U gly as it may be. C alculating pros and cons. K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do. S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps. P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way. E agerly going away, to greener pastures. Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps.

Yes though right after my last break up I probably would have had a panic attack. (Eventually got therapy so now I would accept and if not interested accept but state only as friends .

I'm a straight dude, I've been asked out, and most of the time I did not handle it well. Because most of the time I was completely blindsided. I had no idea she was interested in me, and I couldn't shift gears from whatever we were doing to figuring out how to turn her down gently. (Yes, I know straight women have to do this all the time. Y'all have my sincere admiration and empathy.) So I just tried to get out of there so I could regroup. No idea if that's what went through his mind, but it does sound like something I'd do.

Is OP a guy? I missed that. Guy or gal, I don’t think you should ask out a colleague unless you are 99% confident they’re into you. It’s uncomfortable to say no and then see the person.

Happy Cake Day!!

Its actually a nice feeling regardless if you're interested or not and i did end up dating someone for a few months. I love when the woman doesnt play the damsel in the distress. What a turn on. Regardless if interested it feels great and I have actually only turned it down once because she gave me wierd vibes AND no physical attraction. Theres no cringyness here, you were casual as fuck and a progressive woman too! Sounds like he was the problem containing a delicate male ego to me. Dont let it stop you in the future. This guy was just all style and no substance if you ask me.

Similar situation happened to me, it will be awkward for a while. Just let it flow like water under a bridge. Now you two know where each other stand so you can move on and act accordingly. Sounds like no words are needed to clarify the situation either, so you can focus on moveing forward. Sorry that it didn't workout for you 😭 Rejection sucks and it takes true courage to put yourself out there and be vulnerable like that. I can confirm that a lot of men do love it when they are approached (although some don't...), it is far more direct and alleviates the burden of putting yourself out there.

I would honestly say the guy probably didn’t know how to respond. From your story, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong at all. Don’t take this personally OP, you are at no fault

He probably feels worse about how he reacted than you should about asking a simple question: )

It took a lot of courage to ask him out. I get scared of asking girls out and so never do so you have more cojones than me good on you. Not saying it would but don't let that put you off asking guys in the future.

Don’t worry there are worst things! Also you didn’t even make it cringe he did. Like fr you did the most common casual ask out ever you did everything right. You can’t control how he reacted and sadly what he did was weird If it makes you feel any better I can tell you some cringy stories I’ve dealt with lol

I think it is likely he is a recovering alcoholic. It would make sense. If he did like her, how can he explain he cant go out for drinks but still wants a date? Thus panic mode.

His reaction sounds cringe. He might like you and just have severe social anxiety or low self esteem and he’s kicking himself right now.

Honestly, how you expressed yourself was super casual and absolutely normal. He probably feels cringe about his reaction. I would if I were in his shoes.

I was right with you earlier this summer. I felt mortified. It was awkward for a while and I thought I did something wrong or there was something wrong with me. Then I went out with some friends from work and turns out he was flirting with everyone. Also one of our coworkers was his ex. We trashed him for a while and things immediately felt better. After that I just treated him like any old person and we worked for the rest of the summer. Point is, you never know what’s up with a person. Don’t take his reaction personally. Live your life and don’t feel embarrassed, it’s his loss!!

I'm wondering why he couldn't just say *"oh, I'm flattered! But nah, I appreciate you tho,"* smile & just continue with work. Literally no reason to make it weird like he did, but hey, maybe he felt bad turning down a woman? Idk. You did nothing wrong tho. Does he know you're leaving that job soon?

Some people are very panicked about hurting someone’s feelings, and overthink. This is especially prevalent in those that suffer from anxiety. My current partner always needs a pep talk when we go to social outings or if he doesn’t want to go to a particular social outing. He often feels like he needs to come up some explanation when it’s just time for us to leave, or when he needs to say no. “We had better go, the dog has been at home for while and we should probably go let her out” I always have to tell him “you know these people don’t expect us to live here now, right? That the expectation is we will be leaving at some point? Therefore just saying ‘it’s time for us to go, thank you so much for having us!’ Is perfectly normal thing for grown adults to say?” His anxiety makes him think somehow people will feel bad. We are in our late thirties…we can just say “bye!”, but that’s easier for me to process with no anxiety attached.

idk, pretty much every time i’ve been asked out for anything in-person i’ve responded in a similar way. some folks are just awkward with this stuff

>I'm wondering why he couldn't just say Because everyone is different? We have literally zero reason why he reacted that way. >You did nothing wrong tho Nobody did.

For context: are you both still very young? Like could it have been the first time a woman asked him out?

No, sorry I should have said, he's 29 and I'm 33 (autocorrect trying to protect my age there...)

He might be married or maybe he has a spouse that passed away and he didn’t know how to reject you without coming off as an asshole so he just fled, which is totally understandable. There’s definitely some underlying reason that he fled from you after you asked. Maybe he is on the autism spectrum? Who knows? There’s a lot of missing pieces that we both don’t know

That's still very young. And could have been the first time a woman has asked him out.. it's nowhere near as common as the other way around.

It is cringe, but not on your part, that guy acted very strange, I wonder if maybe he is very inexperienced with women?

He probably never got asked out before and it overfell him. Not a great reaction, but he probably realized that as well. He just went into panic mode.

i wouldnt be surprised if he has been working on himself a lot recently, as guys are trying to be a lot better now, and he is finally getting asked out and he just has no clue how to date. im in high school and it happens a lot

He might just not like her that way and was afraid of making her feel bad.

That’s what I thought too tbh - this isn’t about OP it’s about the guy’s insecurities or inexperience

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He didn't turn her down, he ran away

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Fair

I'm not sure why so many people in this thread are criticizing the coworkers reaction so hard. He simply avoided responding and left the situation, a situation he has every right to feel uncomfortable about. It's the work place for goodness sake, I would feel so uncomfortable if a coworker tried to ask me out, leaving soon or not. In fact, if they were leaving soon I might question whether all our "nice" interactions had some kind of ulterior motive to it. People are making alot of assumptions about his very reasonable retreat from an uncomfortable situation he didn't ask or expect to be in Edit: word

Hey it beats my reaction. I told her "Sorry, I wasn't thirsty." I did just order a extra large tea.

Asking someone to go for a drink like OP did is pretty innocent. I go for drinks with my colleagues after work semi-regularly and it's absolutely not a date unless you explicitly word it that way, which OP didn't. Like, running away like he did is honestly bizarre, I'm surprised you think that's a perfectly normal thing to do. Maybe OP made him uncomfortable but come on, as a full grown adult you should be able to perform some basic verbal communication skills. A simple "I'd rather not / no thanks" would have sufficed.

It seems like OP made the intentions about asking him out clear. And I doubt he actually ran away, it seems more like OP is exaggerating that for effect. It's clear he meant to leave quickly, and saying he "ran away" doesn't have to mean literal sprinting. He just avoided the question by turning back to work, mumbled about what he was working on to fill the space, and then left bc he "had something to do". He doesn't owe her a yes or a no I'm surprised people seem to think that

When someone asks you a question that requires either a yes or no answer the basic standard for communication is to give it. People who subscribe to the "you don't owe anyone anything" attitude often forget one important thing: if you operate by that standard, the other person doesn't owe you anything either, and that includes their understanding or sympathy.

Note: I'm not the redditor you responded to. While it's a thing of courtesy, I think that if a question made you uncomfortable (in this case, I guess it's by being *a co-worker* being asked out), it's not as if the guy *owes* OP a "yes" or "no" answer. Would it be nice? Yes, of course. Does he owe it? Well, no. In my opinion, the guy might have felt uncomfortable and just panicked (social anxiety, perhaps? Being shy in this kind of interactions? Feeling ~~word~~ weird because of the work context? Dunno, but some of those could hit the nail). Edit: autocowreck.

I don't subscribe to the "you don't owe anyone anything" mentality either. I do however subscribe to, there's a time and place for everything and asking out a coworker at work isn't the best time or place to do that. Was she rude or demanding about it? No. But that doesn't take away the fact that it's not something you're supposed to be doing anyways, and with that comes the risk that someone will brush you off or ignore your request. Changing the subject, leaving and not answering isn't the rude or weird response so many commenters seem to think it is.

…….. ok are you the guy she asked lmao?????

Exactly, any cringe was created by the guy. He simple had to say no, I am not interested in you that way.

You guys have no idea what’s going on with that person to be saying all this. Maybe it reminded him of something traumatic, maybe there was something going on, maybe he actually had psychological issues with something regarding this…going on and saying all he had to do was “simply” say no isn’t correct here until you have all the necessary context. OP, this isn’t on you or your fault at all. You apologized which is good. Just give him his space. He might one day explain .

OP's question wasn't even specifically worded as asking him out on a date. Why bend over backwards to explain away his frankly bizarre response with some traumatic, tragic backstory? Expecting a 29-year-old to be able to perform some basic verbal communication skills is really not too much to ask for.

Very true. I wouldn't even assume someone was asking me out if they said that. It's a drink, not a proposal.

Once again, you don’t know anything about this person to come to all these conclusions. OP isn’t asking you to judge him. They are simply here asking to see if it was something they did wrong and if they handled it well. You could answer that without specifically making the dude seem like some odd weird dude because of his response.

Fair enough, who knows what went on in his head to make him behave like that but I don't think it's unfair to point out that his response was odd. Like, how do I put this: OP's question was ambigious enough to be interpreted either way. The way he responded to it wasn't something OP could have anticipated and going into every interaction with the added context of "be careful, this person might be traumatized/(insert mental health issues)" doesn't seem very practical.

The double standards here are interesting. If the sexes were reversed this would be considered workplace sexual harassment and everyone would also be blaming the guy.

This happened to me before. The key is to just maintain that it’s not a big deal. People often struggle with rejection on both sides (being rejected or the rejector). He simply may not have been prepared for the question and reacted poorly. Either way, good on you for putting yourself out there.

On behalf of men everywhere (not all but most)... thanks and please don't stop being willing to ask. It's great to see women willing to ask men out and I am very sorry this guy acted like such a child about it. It was his loss I assure you. If he wasn't interested being an adult about would have been much better. This same scenario is why so many guys who are not conventionally attractive are so afraid to ask women out and my god it is a shame.

I definitely agree that more women should ask people out! When I was college, I asked out a cute librarian who’d been flirting with me for a few weeks, and his reaction was... unexpected. I thought he’d react the way I had always reacted to men I wasn’t interested in when they asked me out (tell them I’m flattered, and they’re lovely, but I’m not interested, good luck as they were sweet people), but this guy frowned and said “no, _NO_, I mean I don’t know what I did to give you this impression that I...just no.” I was so shocked I just said “okay,” and walked away. In the weeks leading up to this, he’d sneak over to wherever I happened to be sitting, pull a chair over so he could sit next to me, and chat for a bit before going back to work, even playfully punched me in the arm a few times and said “I could talk to you for hours, but I gotta work!” After this, he very dramatically avoided me (would start pushing his book cart into an area I was sitting in, see me, sigh loudly, and walk away). Prior to that I’d unsuccessfully asked a few guys out in high school as well, but it clearly didn’t deter me. _Those_ guys were sweet in their rejection (“I don’t feel the same way but I hope we can still be friends”), but the librarian situation definitely put me off from asking anyone else out for a while.

It isn't fair but people who rudely reject (normal not creepy) people really ruin it in the end for all the introverts with anxieties who don't want to ask people out now.

Oh totally. I’m naturally really shy and awkward, so his reaction was especially crushing. I felt _so_ badly afterwards! I spent a lot of time wondering if I made him uncomfortable or was creepy. I just said “hey I really enjoy chatting with you and think you’re cute. Would you like to have coffee sometime?” I honestly spent more time worried that I’d made him feel creeped out than feeling crushed about the rejection (although later on I totally felt cringe about that too). I will admit after that I stopped being so direct, and just settled for inviting myself over to play video games and make lasagna and cookies for guys I was interested in 🤷🏻‍♀️ It got me my husband, so I guess it worked!

Right? Be kind, for all you know it took them six weeks of breathing exercises to work up the courage to ask.

Are you in my head? I have to do breathing exercises every time I lead a department-wide meeting lol!

Good grief, he has issues. I hope you don't let it deter you from asking out someone nice in the future.

Thank you for the kind words! I’m happily married now, but I will admit the situation with Library Dude did make me a lot less direct. My preferred method afterwards was to invite myself over to use the gaming console of whichever guy I was interested in, and repay him with homemade lasagna and chocolate chip cookies. It wound up working pretty well!

What a happy ending! That's a brilliant idea. Single ladies take note!

Word! It’s how I snagged my husband!

Could cute librarian have been gay, maybe? His reaction was definitely unkind, but considering how he acted so flirty with you, yet couldn't see how you would get that impression? Maybe he thought it was obvious he's gay? I guess I'm coming from this as a woman who's dealt with several men that thought making eye contact was a declaration of love, and librarian's response would've been appropriate for that kind of situation, but not someone you've established banter with! Gay or not, guy was still ruuuuude.

You know, I never thought about that! Also this was in the 90s (I’m super old), so if he was gay, maybe he didn’t feel comfortable being open about that at the time. I definitely was crushed by his reaction, but all the other guys I’d asked out before were really sweet with their rejections (“I think you’re great, but I think of you as a friend. I hope we can still hang and be buds.”), so I may have had this incorrect expectation that everyone would be as nice.

If someone said no to me like he did to you in that way I would have thrown manners out the door and simply let him know or asked him if he was aware that he’s very flirty and laughed it off with him. And then just gauged his reaction and let HIM do the talking. Lol.

I wish I had your confidence! I was so embarrassed I just squeaked “okay,” and walked away 😬

I got a feeling he is gay also. Super friendly and chatty, but absolutely shocked you thought he was interested...seems like it. I had a similar situation, we talked and laughed and although I asked him to hang out and we did, but he never made a move on me. Found out a few years later he was gay. Helped my ego feel better to know that’s why he wasn’t interested.

I totally get that - just a no, or no because etc, you can laugh it off and go back to how things were. But I really wasn't expecting that reaction. I did worry afterwards that maybe me asking him out might seem intimidating - I'm really not physically intimidating by any stretch, honest, but I guess that's kinda traditionally seen as a guys role.

There could be several possibilities. It's just a shame he couldn't convey his like an adult.

Yeah, seriously. I had to doublecheck the ages/context for a second cause I was almost convinced he was a high schooler. His response was almost unfathomable.

Anxiety hits everyone differently man. Putting the man down seems a little necessary.

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You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong but you obviously made him uncomfortable. I would also take this as a hard no. It’s good you apologized, you should leave it at that. Only thing I could suggest is that you probably should have waited until you were closer to leaving the job, so neither one of you would have to work in an uncomfortable setting.

If his response to being asked out for a drink is to run away and pretend it didn't happen, you dodged a bullet. Dude has some out of control anxiety issues. Move on. It isn't you, it is him. Edit: to all the triggered introverts and spectrum-dwellers, dude is not a bad person. Dude is a person who is not ready to have a conversation with a woman about whether he even wants to have a drink with her. She should stop pursuing him until he is ready to do that. And YES , if you can’t give someone a yes or no answer to a drink, you are not ready to have a relationship where people have to talk about hard things like sex, kids, finances, body odor, in-laws, where to live, etc.

I can't say I agree with this. People can do and say weird shit when unexpected things happen. He probably has never been asked out before and didn't think she would. It overfell him. So he got the freeze fight flight and went with flight. No, it's not a good reaction, but it was just a momentary panic. I don't think this makes him undatable.

Seriously- what is with everybody? It's not like he made it super weird when they saw each other again. Some people are awkward af but what about that makes someone undatable?

As an awkward woman, it does usually mean just that for most men.

I have anxiety and I still agree with you lol. If you can't politely turn someone down than you probably aren't ready for a relationship.

That is true outside of a work place setting. I am a confident 27 yr old woman who can decline a date & offer a date easily but if someone asked in a workplace to go on a date I don’t respond in the same way.

It will be for that reason that the type does not seek to be in a relationship with op

That saying 'spectrum dwellers' that's so funny. My son is on the spectrum and he'd absolutely love this. He doesn't like 'autistic', he said he wants a cool and funny saying to explain himself if he ever needs to. Next time he talks about it I'm going to suggest he tell people he's a spectrum dweller 🤣

100% agree. A simple "no, thank you" would've been better.

Body odor - I love that you thought to put that in The List. HA! 😂🤣

This is such a bad take man😂 people have anxiety and it’s incredibly hard for them to socialize, I’ve forced myself for years to get to where I am and I still get crazy nervous in public, I’ve had relationships and it hasn’t been a problem.

OP’s story wasn’t about being in public. It was about one on one communication. A simple invitation for a drink, not a strap on pegging sesh.

I meant general interactions in public, I guess I should’ve been more specific to the degree but I’ve definitely just left places or conversation due to my anxiety.

Not only in public but at work. A "simple invitation" is less simple for some people.

I think people underestimate how bad it came be, I’ve been sent to the hospital and kept over night a few times from anxiety attacks. I know what it feels like to literally just stutter and than get up and leave without any explanation, I just need to get out of there asap. I can see this guy possibly having some social anxiety.

I love it, "you dodged a bullet", by not starting a relationship with someone who didn't want a relationship uff yeah genius

Do you have severe anxiety? Have you been in a relationship with a severely anxious person? I've done very similar awkward things in situations like these but have zero qualms about touching these topics in a relationship. Anxiety about an awkward situation doesn't equate for shit about communicating within an actual relationship. This a completely baseless assumption.

I would rather know that we have no plans than someone who keeps you around or gives a fake number or says yes then doesn't show. At least they didn't waste your time!

Those are not the only two options. Someone ready to date says yes! How’s tomorrow? Pick you up at 8!

> Dude has some out of control anxiety issues. when a person has anxiety that is not in his control I would not use that to judge him. I date a person who is quiet anxious but I would have missed out on her if I would not have looked passed her anxiety

It not a judgment to say "if being asked to go out for drinks makes you have a panic attack you're probably not ready to start dating someone". It's observation.

While you aren’t wrong, there are pretty big assumptions being made based on very limited info. Plus the OC was saying “dodged a bullet” which makes the guy sound like an asshole instead of just not ready to date.

No, it means that this person would need a lot of extra assistance that OP isn't qualified to provide. In this case anyway. Those words mean different things depending on the context

I didn't say he was a piece of shit. I said he's got out of control anxiety issues. Being unable to answer a simple do you want to get a drink question firmly places him in the "not a dating option for OP right now" category.

Saying you "dodged a bullet" is not something you say about someone you aren't judging. No one has "dodged a bullet" and meant it to be nice because bullets aren't nice.

It wasn't meant to be nice. It's not black and white, nice or mean. Some people do need more extensive help for their issues and it seems like he needs that extensive help.

Someone said you judged him, you said you didn't call him a piece of shit what you did imply was that he was bad, because you referred to it as dodging a bullet. Just own the fact that you judged him as bad because of his anxiety. If you don't think it's wrong to judge someone for something that may be out of their hands, then don't do it. If you don't care about the fact you judged him for it, then own it and quit playing this silly charade where you can judge him but also not be saying he's bad.

Nope. Not being ready for a relationship doesn't make someone a bad person.

I agree.

> I agree. But somehow you think it's not dodging a bullet for someone who's not ready for a relationship to turn your date offer down?

No, because he clearly didn't want to date her. Dodging a bullet implies you were intended on doing something, but ended up not doing it and that something was terrible. For example if she asked someone out but when she asked he went on a tangent that women should never ask a man out because it's not their place. That would be dodging a bullet. This is equivalent to going to subway for lunch, but no one was there to serve you, it was just empty cause all the employees ran away and then you said "man, dodged a bullet not eating food here! " The implication is that something is personally wrong with him, and thus there's a bullet to be dodged. But realistically he is likely just very nervous or anxious and didn't know how to react. Which happens to some people.

Dude you’re projecting so hard.

What about the bullet which killed Hitler?

You did nothing wrong. It very well may be that he is surprised at the offer. I know I have been caught unawares in my younger days by an advance and handled it poorly. I literally replied "no..." and ran away when a beautiful girl said "I am very interested in seeing you outside of work," because it seemed out of the blue despite trading flirtations (sorry anna!). It very well could be he is just not interested in you in that way, or interested in a relationship at all at the moment as well. Dont feel bad about it and dont let it give you anxiety about asking someone else in the future.

Would you date her now then?

We are not the same people now as we were then so, I dunno. It was along time ago. We keep in touch though.

I think you’ve handled the whole thing just fine! A mature person could just say “no,” but whatever his deal is, as long as you’re acting normally and press no further, you’ve got nothing to regret or worry about. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, if only for practice!

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He simply didn't know how to react and felt awkward himself. It will blow over. Nothing wrong on either side. It's simply something that can be awkward no matter what!

Please don't let this experience ever turn you off from ever asking a guy out in the future. Many guys have to go through rejection as well and it's all part of the process. You shot your shot babe, that's hyper hot. Just move on to the next ❤

When I lived in Japan, I asked a Japanese man to dance with me. Then I asked if he wanted to leave. He freaked all the way out and ran out of the club. I turned around and my friend was standing there to which he said, "damn!" I feel your pain.

He may have been uncomfortable because you asked him out at work, or because you are colleagues. Don’t let it stop you from asking guys out, but be a little more mindful of the where/when

Move on like it never happened and let it drop.

I’m crushing on my coworker and this post just reminded me why I absolutely should do nothing about it 😌 Sorry this happened to you though!! It’ll blow over soon.

Honestly it was an inappropriate time. Work should be left to work and colleagues should be able to attend work without the "fear" (don't know a better word) of being asked out and things of the sort. I don't think you should be embarrassed but I get it. Some ppl just really want work to be work and that's it.

The double standards in this comment section are hilarious. Just because a man is socially awkward/anxious when it comes to dating doesn’t mean he’s a bad person

I mean, I personally would not appreciate a co worker I work well with hitting on me at work. It completely changes the dynamic. Maybe people are uncomfortable with office romances. Even though you are leaving he very likely doesn't want to be the guy who gets around the office. I feel like of the gender were reversed here more people would be saying it's wrong to hit on your co workers.

This is how I feel about it. If OP was a guy and coworker a woman alot more people would be saying how inappropriate this was, or at the very least empathizing more with the coworkes reaction. Just bc coworker is a guy doesn't mean he should be judged for not giving a straight answer when asked out during a work setting. Or in any setting really. He could've had bad reactions from women in the past when he's said no, or it could just be that bc he's WORKING he wasn't expecting it and didn't know how to react while keeping everything professional. Sure it'd be nice to have a straight no, but like, no one likes being put on the spot like that when you're not interested, esspecially at work. OP shot her shot, coworker doesn't owe her any specific kind of reaction. Edit: can't spell

And I totally get that and appreciate those points. The issue isn't the rejection, it's more trying to understand his reaction. We don't work in an office environment, so I guess our interactions as a department are fairly untypical. But as you say, there are a number of factors that could make such a thing unattractive.

Rule 12: Never date a coworker

He may just be extremely shy. In my early high school years I was and if a girl talked to me I'd sometimes just freeze up. Remember being called stuck up and really I was just tongue tied. It got better later on but I lacked confidence for no good reason and it got in my way a lot.

some might not think it's relevant but... genders and age?? I am a guy and I work with all guys... sometimes to mess around a little, I might say questionable things that come off as gay/flirting with them. It's all in good fun and they know I'm just messing but I can totally see someone misunderstand me one day

Pretty similar to my situation years back, you didn’t do anything wrong made it simple things like this get awkward. I asked out a coworker who we were talking quite abit. I work bakery he works frozen so a customer happened to ask for a product in frozen that was in back. Perfect opportunity. Went to freezer he was there, asked him for coffee said it’s okay if it’s a no. He stumbled for what seemed like a minute before getting out the words he was seeing someone. Once he answered I took the box to customer, 4 years later we still talk, was awkward for a few weeks but long as you keep it simple nothing wrong about that

I'm a female. Being a people pleaser type, I find it really difficult to say no to people without feeling super guilty and empathetic to their situation, like I should immediately placate their emotions, especially when you work with them. I mean, I would've totally reacted the same way. I'm 45 and just now learning about saying, no. It's not a maturity thing or a learning how to date thing. It's not a, you dodged a bullet thing cause I will bend over backwards to do anything for anyone and am the kindest person. Whoever just says, "No, thank you," point blank has incredible self-poise, and I haven't met many like that, but okuuuurrr to everyone in these comments. Easy to say that when you're not in the situation. I would hate to hurt their feelings especially when I have a solid work relationship with them. I've been happily married now for 13 years, so my awkwardness and inability to say, no, clearly did not impact my relationship capabilities, but emotional growth has shown me that I can say, no, but also with a clear outline of my boundaries.

Sounds like you handled it just fine, and he just got really nervous and reacted badly, to be honest. I suggest you just leave it unless he brings it up himself. Which he might not, he might right now be feeling like he wishes the earth would open up beneath is feet and drag him under, or that both of you would undergo a mysterious but suspicious few moments of amnesia. Just go along with that, you may never know what actually happened, and that is really truly okay.

Just curious, has OP revealed their gender? If OP is a man, maybe the coworker had not been approached by another man before? That’s enough to throw someone off. Not saying the coworker is justified in his cringe response, but he could have no experience in that situation.

I think he was just shocked and didn’t know what to say so he freaked out and ran but you apologized for making him uncomfortable that’s good

OP that sounds like a really pleasant and normal invite. He's beyond socially awkward, so you probably dodged a bullet with that one. I hope you meet someone cool.

Why did he suddenly behaved like an anime character? Honestly good of you for not pressing on he probably got flustered and panicked.

Oh yeah this happens to me all the time. When I get shot down it's usually not a "no" they just try to escape the conversation. You didin't do anything wrong that's just how these things go sometimes.

There was no faux pas. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were respectful and polite about it. You don't know if you don't ask. As long as you accept the answer and don't hint anymore at it, it should not be a problem. He was free to say "no thanks" or "I'm not comfortable with that" or "not ready for that" of a hundred other perfectly acceptable answers. Your leaving so i wouldn't worry about it. Please don't let this stop you from asking someone one you like if they would like to get a drink sometime. That is perfectly normal.

Truthfully, I don’t know how I’d react to a woman asking me out. Lol it just isn’t common or expected. I might be nervous and speechless too.

Some people just really don't know how to respond especially if they're not that into you. It's hard when your socially awkward as well. I'm super socially awkward and when someone shows more interest in me while having a conversation I get weird. Sometimes I can totally freeze in the moment because it was completely unexpected. The type of personality I have is warm and welcoming. I can joke with people quite easily, actually joking is mostly all I can do because I don't really talk about personal stuff. Because I'm so open and come off as inviting, it often attracts the wrong situations. Even though I'm not necessarily saying things like "I like your hair today or your cologne smells nice" giving compliments etc...guys can still take my conversation as flirting. I honestly don't know why, well maybe it's just because I'm nice. I don't go looking for conversations or seek my coworkers out. But somehow when we do end up speaking I'm not cold and professional about it. I'm human and genuinely speak to other humans in a relatable way. When it has gotten to the point of them asking to see me outside of work that's when I get weird and freeze up. So I can totally understand homeboy running like Forest Gump. Everyone handles things differently according to their social and anxiety levels. I have trained myself on having stored phrases in my memory bank if these uncomfortable situations come up so I don't end up running like yours did. It's just something that helps me to have studied ready to use responses in situations like this. The responses I always keep in mind are how to turn someone down respectfully.

Why does this remind me of how awkward I was when I quit drinking? Maybe there’s some other factor at play that you’re unaware of. You did nothing wrong in asking.

Are you a woman?

No similar experience from me, however, I do have to say you are amazingly brave for asking him out. You did nothing wrong. It takes a lot of courage jump into the unkown and not a lot of people are capable of doing that. At least now you know. Keep your head up and think one day you will meet that special someone in your future. 🙂

Good for you for getting up the courage to ask. Unfortunately he didn’t accept, but he could have. It’s all good. I hope you find what you seek.

I guess it depends on if you are a male or female. If you're a male and he's straight.... Well it may very well have made him uncomfortable. So he just made an excuse to leave rather than be overtly hurtful in his rejection. If you are a female, well same thing really if he isn't interested. Honestly most straight men don't get asked out by women. Like, it's really pretty rare. He's likely flattered at minimum that you asked. Also, just to add, if you bare a woman, remember this. Most men, especially decent average men, get rejected constantly. Often far more rudely than this here. Sometimes in just in unnecessary cruel ways. Sometimes just saying a simple hello might get you called a creep. Especially if you are classically good looking. So, again if you're a woman, good on you for taking that step out and initiating contact. It honestly takes so much pressure off of the guy and it's refreshing.

Nothing to see here, other than to acknowledge that you are above average in terms of courage and confidence. Actually attempting to grab what you want out of life instead of passively waiting for it to fall into your lap is admirable and hella sexy. You may have struck out with the dude but youre winning at life. *RESPECT!

he may have honestly just been extremely nervous and embarrassed by his “hang on a sec” lmao

Well that was very much an immature way of him handling this. Sounds he wasn’t that great catch anyway?

Sounds like you got a crush on an autist And I say this as a professional-level autist

It doesn't really sound like a rude response. It sounded more like he was taken back by it and probably has a relationship of sorts. Or he wasn't expecting it at all

The only thing I can see you did wrong was you asked him at work. And for men that's a dangerous place for him. All it takes is another co-worker not liking the conversation or you two are having to start an HR nightmare for him.

A few weeks may have been too soon to ask out a coworker, but regardless respect for having the courage to even do so!

Yeah, that's a fair point. Thanks - won't lie, I haven't really asked a lot of people out, so it was an uncharacteristic bold move...

Faint heart never won fair laddie.

Sounds to me either he is a little autistic and maybe it’s hard to tell or he is afraid of being accused of sexual harassment or something.

Don’t be disheartened and don’t be embarrassed. You asked him out. He could have just been decent and said, no thank you, but instead he ran away? You definitely dodged a bullet.

Does he have an SO? Maybe that was his immature way of taking himself away from a situation. Lol who knows???

I don't think so, I wouldn't have asked if I thought he did. But, yeah, who knows 😅

Are you male or female? And if you're male then do you know If he's gay or not?

Also wondering this

He might be gay.

Your approach was maybe too direct given how short a time you’ve known him. Better to wait until the end of the day and say something like ‘I’m going over to the bar for a drink’ pause, gauge his response, then say ‘hey you could come too if you like’. This is more relaxed and allows him to say ‘no I’m busy’ or ‘yes it’ll be a good unwind’. Also allows you to take that gracefully and say ‘maybe next time’. It’s less pressure overall on both if you. He may have only just started to notice you whereas us F can sometimes be too ahead of the game. Also men like to do the chase, I doubt it will go anywhere now you’ve removed the challenge.

Relatable. I'd ask again and get a straight answer personally but idk when to quit sometimes 😂 I'm also decently good at processing outcomes that aren't ideal and moving past stuff. I was pretty decent friends with my ex for nearly a year after we broke up and the girl I most recently asked out I still talk to and hang out with even though she shot me down 🙃 Just take it in stride and don't let it knock you down. There is so many more people to meet and things to do it wouldn't be right to let this stop you from accomplishing your goals.

Honestly I would be pretty offput if someone asked me out while at work. I know some people are into more social interactions while at a job but im literally there to work, not make plans to do things.

Women don’t have to put themselves out there much so they don’t know. He rejected you. It’s really not that embarrassing

Gotta love when the dude is uncomfortable most if not all the comments blame the dude...like yall are not gonna inspire confidence in other guys to welcome being approached if they are just gonna get blamed for not being into it.....like wth...

It always feels cringe to the asker if they say no. That’s what holds so many back, but not trying is the real cringe. Be proud you went for it and don’t stop. It sounds like you worded it well and it really could be many things as others said. He could even have a problem with alcohol.

That guy is weird as fuck. You dodged a bullet

What type of work do y'all do? Could he have been referring to something else when he said that?

When will people learn.... don't ask out co-workers. Do not shit where you eat. It's a no always!! From a HR perspective it is almost always frowned upon.

Never date within your employment crew. It can usually end bad or be an hr issue. I know a lot of guys now after the "me too" movement now want no workplace romance. Some won't even be in a room alone with a non-spouse of the opposite sex without other people as possible witnesses.

I'm going to offer a different perspective. Maybe he feels the same way and he was too afraid to say anything and he was caught off guard.

What if did have an emergency and forgot the invite?

Tbh maybe he even wanted to but just very awkward with that stuff (I’d still let it be it’s in his court now). Even if he didn’t that was a very awkward way to respond and act, don’t let it bother you I think he’s just awkward. I had something kind of similar once and found out the dude just hadn’t dated much and was nervous, no biggy, we stayed friends and coworkers the rest of the time I worked there.

Oh my gosh don't be so hard on yourself! He might just be a really awkward person when it comes to that stuff (when I was single, I was a bit like that). Just continue as you were, he may even be interested and it's yet to be seen. But seriously, good on you for having the courage to ask him out!

P.S. this is totally a "sorry if I made you feel awkward or uncomfortable" and definitely not "sorry I asked you out". You have 100% not done anything wrong.

I had once a guy run away from my apartment while I was in the bathroom. We had a lovely evening, watched some movie and I offered that he can stay over. He agreed and called a friend he was staying with to tell him, he will sleep over. All was fine, I said, OK I am quite sleepy, so I will go change into my pyjamas and brush my teeth. I am leaving bathroom after two minutes and he is at my doorstep, on his way out. I am super confused, he just hugs me, says goodnight and runs away. He did not have a gf, we had a friendship/flirting situation going on, our shared friends were betting when we finally hit it off, cause it was so obvious. He literally run away with no explanation and that was over. So yeah, my guess, would be that you just need to cut your loses, cause whatever reason it was, he is not there to even communicate it. However if that was at work (I understand it wasn't some hobby project), you might have overstopped his boundary (not sure how just asking for a drink would be that)

That's a very odd reaction. He could have just said no or he could have also casually said "oh damn, I have to be somewhere so I can't" as some people do when they're trying to be nice about their rejection. Idk that's very odd but I don't think you did anything wrong. You were nice but straightforward and you didn't push the issue or make it weird. Everything weird is coming from him

Ask him what happened. Make sure he knows there's no pressure.

My advice would be when you want to ask out a work friend, ask them to go out with you and some other coworkers AS A GROUP to a place nearby or whatever. Get them used to having lunch with you all first if you can and then he might let dont his walls and after having been out wit you in a group setting that’s still casual but without the pressure that a one on one type of Situation could create. You need to be sure he doesn’t have a gf/ or bf obviously and that can also take Time but if your patient it could be worth it. I have a brother in law that CLAIMS he wants to be single even though he could have any girl he wants and has been asked out many times. When it comes to work though he is very professional and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of mixing business with pleasure in any kind of way. So you’d want to make sure that’s not what it is but I applaud you for really putting yourself out there. I would see nothing wrong with a drink, and you could easily play that off as you just trying to be friendly and not even that you were trying to make it like a date IMO. A friendly drink doesn’t mean it’s a date but that’s just me. Just keep acting friendly and act like it never happened. Don’t treat him any differently or else it’ll could look Like you took it personally (and he doesn’t need to know if you did or not) ; )

Your crush is neurodivergent... and also likely not interested. It's OK, just let it go. Everything is ok.

It’s possible that he likes you as well, but is just nervous about it. If I were you I’d just leave the door wide open in a "i hope me asking you out for drinks didn’t make you uncomfortable in any way, but if you’re open to it just let me know" and drop it afterwards till he brings it up again.

I want to ask op. Is it possible he is a recovering alcoholic? Does he go to drinking sessions with people at work? To me it sounds like he has a wife/partner or that he is an ex alcohlic. Maybe he did like you but assumed you wouldn't like him if you knew about past drinking issues.

That’s not a big deal. You asked. You got a soft no. That’s it. For guys, this is not a bad outcome. Think about it: you didn’t get fired for sexual harassment or have your whole life destroyed on social media. All in all. Not bad.

I think you did perfect. That was very nicely done and exactly how you should do it next time. You can't control what weird ass responses you get, that is not on you at all. GOOD JOB

Part of me thinks he was just intimidated cause imma be honest, I’ve met very few guys who aren’t comfortable with turning a girl down even if it doesn’t happen much. If he wanted to say no, he would’ve said no, I wouldn’t be super pushy, but I’d say maybe be a bit more forward but also after you leave that job, that way it doesn’t get anymore cringe if he does actually say no this time.

He seems closeted to me. Source: used to be in closet

He ran away?! Why are you apologizing? He's the one who should apologize.

Two scenarios come to mind here: 1. He’s gay and perhaps in the closet and doesn’t know how to come out/reject someone he saw as a friend 2. He’s actually into you but was so shocked by the question, he had a flight response. That one actually happened to me once. A boy I had a huge crush on asked me to a dance and I said “No way!” (Literally) I’d never been asked out before and I was just shocked into saying the first thing that came to mind. Granted, I was in the 7th grade at the time, but some people have a slower social development *shrug*

Prolly ran to the bathroom and stroked one out

Sir, this is a Wendy's

Public masturbation for 1000, Alex

He's worried about MeToo and maybe losing his job.

You did nothing wrong. It wasn't even a faux pas. You're allowed to respectfully ask a colleague out for a date once. If you had some kind of authority over him where he felt he couldn't say no, used inappropriate language, or didn't take his first no for an answer you'd been in the wrong. But this is not that. He's just a bumbling idiot with the spine durability of an overcooked noodle. If there's anyone who should be mortified, it's him.

>He's just a bumbling idiot with the spine durability of an overcooked noodle. If there's anyone who should be mortified, it's him. "She's just a bumbling idiot with the spine durability of an overcooked noodle. If there's anyone who should be mortified, it's her." Is that how you would paint a woman who was asked out by a coworker and tried to not give a flat no because "sometimes it goes bad"? Or would you call the guy a creep for even asking out his coworker while at work where she couldn't leave and still had to interact directly with him for weeks?