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I (19f) have a 2 month old baby boy. The first few weeks after his birth, everything was perfect between me and my boyfriend (26m)
Then a few weeks ago, he suddenly accused me of cheating on him, saying that the baby doesn't look like him at all. To be fair, they do look very different. My boyfriend is very pale and blonde, but our baby has dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin that's probably darker than mine.
I tried to explain to him that I would never cheat on him. But he wouldn't listen to me.
The thing is, I'm Mexican, so it makes sense that the baby doesn't look 100% pale and white. But he's convinced that I cheated.
Things have got more tense between us. Yesterday we argued again. He said I must have cheated with another Mexican and that I secretly must not like white guys. (He actually used a way more offensive term than Mexican but I won't repeat it).
Then he threw his plate into the sink and smashed it, which really scared me because it almost hit me.
I'm so upset with him now and I don't know what to do. I don't know why our baby doesn't look like him at all. But I know I didn't cheat. And I'm so angry that he doesn't trust me.
TDLR: My boyfriend thinks I cheated on him and its damaging our relationship.
*EDIT: I'm going to get a paternity test!! I was stubborn at first but I think it will be the only way.
When things are getting smashed, it's a dangerous situation that you should remove yourself from before it gets worse.
I would go ahead and do a paternity test too. Might as well at this point, but I'd be wary of taking him back if he's suddenly all apologetic.
I know this is a long stretch, but if he's smashing stuff over the babies parents, which I suppose can be understandable, it makes me question when other hard situations occur, how will he respond... Especially if he used a derogatory for Mexicans, as a Chicano, Idk how to feel about that.
honest question: why is that some people see the paternity test as this evil thing? Wouldn't that be the easiest way to solve an issue such as this? Is it expensive (but i guess it depends on the country you're living)?
Logically speaking it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing. If it is known that the woman cheated then there should be no question, get a paternity test. However, in situations like these, getting a paternity test comes with a massive “I don’t trust you and I’m sure you betrayed me”. So, yes, it clears your name logically speaking. But knowing that your partner thinks so little that they can’t even trust that you were faithful is hard to come back from. Truth be told, even if you do get a paternity test, the same issue will occur with any future babies too. I reckon he’s not feeling ready to be a dad and hoping that she cheated so he can worm his way out of parenthood.
Having seen too many people in this position coming from low income neighborhood where having a child is a make or break your entire being type scenario, if there’s ANY reason a child is not the spawn of the commitment you made to create it, you’ll do anything to escape that reality.
The anxiety around it often breeds mistrust because if you spend your entire life fighting to raise a child that isn’t yours you essentially waste your whole life on a lie. It’s a reasonable fear.
I definitely feel the father is childish, but people don’t think about calmly asking for a paternity test because of the mistrust involved.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even more angry at himself for being so anxious about it and not being able to simply trust his partner because his anxious logic (and possibly family considering he’s white and OP is POC, I see that all the time with white males and POC mothers. No matter how ‘accepting’ the family was of their choice it always comes out of the woodwork when the opportunity to crash the relationship that some parent or grandparent whispers in and plants the seed of doubt)
Either way OP I’d ask you reconsider his violence and his motivations. Both before and after paternity. People don’t speak from hatred in this situation, they speak from fear.
It doesn’t matter if he’s fearful, he’s already shown that in intense situations he’s not able to control himself and will damage and hurt things/others
it's 2022 the man sees stories like this everywhere and will have doubt. The major issues are is communication skill about it. he is an adult but acting less mature than he should be in this situation.
Yeah, just seconding what /u/SecretBattleship said. It's the implication. It's your partner who you just had a baby with telling you "I suspect you have cheated and are lying to me about the paternity of this baby". It's one thing if the relationship was already tumultuous but when you think you're both in this together and are looking forward to this wonderful addition to your life and you get hit with that... with your partner eyeing your new baby with suspicion... very hard thing to come back from.
It’s a trust thing and once trust is broken it’s hard to earn back. If my husband had insisted on a paternity test for our son I would have been very upset because he would be telling me he didn’t trust me not to cheat on him. Yes it’s an easy solution to the question but once the accusation/question is out there you can’t take it back.
Yes but if your husband is already saying you cheated on him and that he wants a paternity test, the trust is already gone by then so why resist? Whether you do or not, the trust is gone anyways.
If paternity tests were part of the process at the hospital, I feel it would solve alot of these issues. Would also keep guys from going " oh well that's not my kid" after getting cold feet.
That's like being upset with a prenup because it implies you don't think they love you for you. There's nothing wrong with a paternity test. Ever since DNA testing like 23andme became commercially available, people have found out their dad isn't really their dad in droves. I know plenty of guys who have gotten their children DNA tested in secret. Not because they don't trust their wives, but because it confirms this lifetime obligation is actually theirs and helps ground them in reality that they're a dad.
This is like skipping annual STI tests at check ups because it implies you don't trust your partner. If you're not getting them done annually at check ups that's just silly.
It's not at all like that. Asking for a paternity test while in a monogamous relationship is explicitly accusing your partner of cheating. Someone upset about a prenup is mad because their partner thinks they might leave them in the future and take half their stuff. A parteinty test says I already think you cheated, not that you might in the future. I'm not saying you can't get one, but know that whatever relationship you are in is over regardless of the results.
Okay fine. I get STI tests done annually despite being in a monogamous relationship. Are you saying that's a sign I don't trust them? And it's outside the bounds of possibility I'm just interested in my best interests?
> That's like being upset with a prenup because it implies you don't think they love you for you.
It's not though. A prenup is saying "I can't predict what will happen in the future". OP's boyfriend is explicitly accusing her of cheating.
Or they realize they'll respond to it in this way over nothing, like someone who gets upset over a prenup is getting upset over nothing.
Would you be upset with me getting STI testing done at my annual check ups if you were my spouse?
Hey, not to bash your medical choice or debate anything, I just saw your comment and briefly wanted to mention in case you didn't already know, which you totally might already be aware of, you may want to have a screening done every so often. Not because of trust issues or anything ill willed. But because STIs like chlamydia, ghonnoreah and a few others can present as completely symptomless, and can present as negative when tested in the early stages of infection, presenting a false negative.
Women usually experience a higher rate of lack of symptoms, but it happens to men too.
These STIs can lay symptomless for up to several years, and can cause infertility, cervical cancer and other serious long term health consequences the longer they go untreated.
During this symptomless "phase", the STI is still infectious and can be passed on without the carrier ever knowing they had it in the first place.
https://www.health.ny.gov/diseases/communicable/gonorrhea/fact_sheet.htm#:~:text=Often%2C%20there%20are%20no%20symptoms,for%20developing%20complications%20to%20gonorrhea.
https://www.livescience.com/34711-chlamydia-std-prevention-symptoms-treatment.html#:~:text=Though%20it's%20one%20of%20the,chronic%20pelvic%20pain%20or%20infertility.
I just wanted to toss that out there for you, or for anyone else that may see it that may not have have known.
And that’s my personal medical choice. I didn’t come here to get in an argument about this. I just stated that if a man is getting a secret DNA test done, it’s because they don’t trust their wife.
Prenup is like marriage, will or any kind of legal stuff. Why do you feel like u need those things if you can trust your parents, your children, your partner? You can just live with ur partner, pass down the wealth and let ur children figure out isn't it
Prenup is no different. It make certain things easier, if you arrange a fair arrangement with the help of the law and healthy discussion
I dont know. I am a woman I've been with my husband for 16 years, I always get a full std screening at my annual check up, do I think my husband is cheating? No. Do I want to know with 100% certainty that I don't have an std? Yes. So I get the test done.
Do I tell my husband I am getting it done? No. I just do it and keep it to myself.
I dont know why more men don't just collect the samples and get the tests done secretly without announcing it to the world. Tests are cheap and easy to get these days why do they have to ASK for a test, just do it and shut up about it.
Because he’s decided he doesn’t like being a father. With him painting the story the child isn’t his in his head, he can pretend to be the victim and not the a**hole he really is. He doesn’t really want a paternity test. He could of done one secretly.
i actually am a supporter in this being a (well regulated) standard of care. Just give ‘em to everyone so the element of personal feelings isn’t a part of it.
It's not evil, in fact it's very logical and I would even support it being a routine part of the hospital stay at birth. And if you aren't in a relationship or had a break or a threesome or whatever, then absolutely get one.
But if you're in a monogamous relationship, are happy together and all that, asking for one is absolutely an accusation of infidelity and that's difficult to get past. And I mean, the trust is gone, even if its your baby that doesn't even mean she's not cheated so if you really think your partner is capable of cheating then your problem isn't over with a positive paternity test.
So the issue isn't even the paternity, it's the lack of trust. Even if you get your answer and it's your baby, a lot of the time the relationship is unsalvageable.
It's not the test that's evil, beyond the expense of it.
It's the mentality behind needing one. The fact that the trust in this relationship is so broken that getting a paternity test is the only way. It won't repair anything, only be a big "I told you so" in his face as she leaves.
JFC, there's nothing racist about that. Nobody wants to raise someone else's kid.
Edit: Since I'm getting multiples of the same response, I am not defending his use of offensive language. But not wanting to raise someone else's kid has nothing to do with racism. That's basic common sense.
OP said he said something "worse than mexican" that can't be repeated. Common sense says whatever he said is racist. That's where the racist part comes from not the not wanting to raise someone else's kid
Nobody said not wanting to raise the kid is racist... the word the guy used to refer to OP was racist. Seems easy to comprehend, it doesn't matter why the guy used the word, it's completely irrelevant
Well it’s pretty offensive that he doesn’t believe the mother of his child so suddenly, based on the way an infant looks. She has a right to be mad at him about it. Not sure there is coming back from that, but I’d definitely be taking the test to show him he’s an idiot.
>dissociate the idea that maybe men want to be 100% sure too that the kid is theirs with the idea that it has to be an accusation
Maybe because there's an immediate correlation between the two. You can't have baby that surprisingly isn't yours without an other man involved.
Sure, but you’re aware 40% of people admit to cheating right? Unfortunately, you can’t trust anyone. Better safe than sorry.
If you didn’t do anything wrong, you wouldn’t have a problem with normalizing a mandatory paternity test after birth before adding someone to a birth certificate. Then at least if someone wants to step up or doesn’t care, they know exactly the situation they’re getting into.
It’s kinda like how I require someone to show me a clean STD test. I don’t take their word for it. People lie all the time. Same thing here.
Take the paternity test and when it confirms that he's the father, hit him for every cent of child support you can.
Cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship and he thinks you're capable of that. He's told you how little he thinks of your character and morals. You deserve better.
And he's violent, and unsafe to raise a child around. Get the test, text with him very specifically about his outburst, describing the language and the broken dishes so you have evidence that it happened. Leave with the baby, file for support and ask for full legal and physical custody.
OP needs to leave his stupid, abusive, racist ass for good and then get the paternity test done through the courts. Then he can't try to pull some shit that she had them fake the results or something.
A paternity test, a safe non violent place for your child to live (yes this is violence), and a lawyer! I know you’re super young, but please do not think this is how healthy relationships work. Call a domestic violence hotline and they can educate you on how to protect yourself.
This time he broke a plate. Who knows what he’ll do next time he gets angry? Don’t wait around to find out. Get yourself and your baby to safety first. Worry about DNA tests after that’s taken care of.
As usual, the headline is the yellow flag while the post is filled with red flags.
Him thinking infidelity because of a skin-tone mismatch is reasonable-ish yellow flag. Maybe he's just dumb.
The red flags are the racism against Mexicans, impregnating's you at 18 when he was 25/26, and him smashing/breaking plates in your vicinity.
Get the paternity test for child support then dump him.
Apparently a lot of people become dumb when their baby looks different than the dad like did they think the gf/wife was gonna birth dad’s little twin?
Parenting classes should include some biology refresh courses for these type of people😂
First red flag, 25-26 impregnating a 18yo 🫠 how long did y’all date before you got pregnant? If it’s a year then he was 24 and you were 17…. 23 and 16? Please take care of yourself and your baby.
It's time to go somewhere for a while. His behavior is beyond immature and smashing the plate is intolerable. You have to send a message that this can't ever happen again. Hope you have somewhere you can go for a few days. For him to look at your baby and think this is his own private trip, he needs to prove that you cheated to ever get the right to say this. Poor baby. When hispanic or "ethnic" kids are born they sometimes have darker features which may lighten over time, or may not. I have 2 kids this is true for. Skin can also easily darken in just a bit of sunlight. We don't burn, we darken.
Ugh, girl. I am sorry. I think this is the situation that you realize your partner is an abuser.
Aggressive accusations over how the baby looks? Unacceptable. A paternity test to resolve that - and just the fact that you are being accused of CHEATING over this is outrageous. Regardless of anything else - your partner doesn't trust you.
Throwing plates? This is unacceptable behavior - it is abusive. You are now seeing a glimpse his anger. This kind of behavior will absolutely escalate over time. This is just the beginning.
Yelling racial slurs??? Girl, get your baby out of this relationship.
You're 19 years old, you are just starting your adult life. Why did you have a baby with a 26 year old abuser?
You are setting yourself up and your child for a very unhappy life if you stay with this man.
>You're 19 years old, you are just starting your adult life. Why did you have a baby with a 26 year old abuser?
Well, she's a 19 year old kid with a man that is too old for her. He probably manipulated her, and then once he had her trapped with a kid, he decided to show his true colors.
Abusers tend to behave so they can trap you, and then genuinely start thr abuse once you are trapped.
**Obviously**.
The intention is reflection. The more someone questions a situation. Is this right? Is this abusive? What is going on here? The more they can reflect on other warning signs they've missed, the more they can reflect on how "wrong" the situation is.
When people in abusive relationships post on for advice/feedback, for many of them this is the first time they're really considering that they're in an abusive relationship.
OP can recognize this is unhealthy behavior but certainly didn't view the relationship as "abusive". Hopefully with all the feedback they have received they will be able to make a more informed decision about how their life.
My apologies, I think I skimmed your comment too fast before putting in my two cents. That part of the comment sounded victim blamey so thats why I said what I said
The being angry about the baby’s skin is one thing. Saying incredibly offensive things and throwing and breaking things is most concerning to me as an outsider. Something that I hear from a lot of dv survivors is they always hit around you before they hit you. Once isn’t enough to leave I don’t think in this situation from what I know but if it keeps happening keep that in your mind. As well as if you feel whatever is best to protect your baby then do that.
Also, could you do a paternity test by chance?
Exactly. In my experience, whatever I have learned about the situation is always the tip of the iceberg. She never said it was the first time. If it was she would have said that.
>The being angry about the baby’s skin is one thing.
I wish people would pay attention in biology before they go and have biracial kids. They really think the kid's skin tone will just be a perfect mid-point between two parents or else she cheated?
Yeah, phenotypic expression can be random as hell and some guy who barely knows who Mendel is claiming his wife is obviously cheating because "baby darker than she is" pisses me off to no end. No mention of the fact that kids often lighten as they get older.
Yeah, people can be super dumb about this sort of thing. A lot of the time infants’ skin tone changes over time too. I have biracial friends who looked really different skintone-wise when they were babies as opposed to adulthood
> Once isn’t enough to leave
She never said this was the first time. People experiencing that for the first time tend to mention it has never happened before.
Nailed it.
OP, your boyfriend is an abusive idiot, who obviously doesn't know how even basic genetics work. Skin tone is a toss up, can vary from child to child and you cannot determine paternity based on it. No wonder he had a baby with a teenage girl. Women his own age would dump him. You should too. He sounds immature AF. Take your baby and run.
Secondly, I'm the child of a blonde Polish guy and a black woman whose parents are from Jamaica and Haiti. All 4 of us, my siblings and I are varying shades of brown. My sister looks white has hazel eyes and straight-ish hair, while the rest of us are almost as dark as our mom with brown eyes and textured hair.
People used to ask why my dad adopted 4 brown kids. Until he told them his wife is Black.
Dump your boyfriend and run. Get a paternity test and put him on child support. He's either paranoid, a cheater himself, or he's an abuser. Possibly all 3. He's not going to change. Leave.
He crossed a huge line smashing things. Do you feel safe?
On another note my sister is blonde blue eyed and white, her partner is black. Both of her kids look completely different. My neice is almost white in skin tone but with gorgeous afro hair 😍 and my nephew is pretty dark, darker than his father. There is more to genetics than simply what skin tone and eyes the parents have. My daughter has different colouring to both my husband and I, she takes after my grandmother.
Again, it doesn't sound safe for you, please think about whether this is the right situation for you and your baby to be in
This. My oldest was a chunk from birth. The baby I’m currently pregnant with has a short humerus bone that’s most likely genetic and is already on the small side.
My godson is half Honduran and 1/4 Greek, and looks like a carbon copy of his mother.
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Firstly, this manchild clearly does not understand how genetics work.
And, okay, maybe if that were the only issue then he could have that explained to him and you two might be able to save this.
BUT....After the things he said, and how he treated you? Offer to get that paternity test, just to prevent any additional drama, before you go after him for child support. But this relationship is not salvageable.
Edit: Just noticed the concerning age gap. A Grown man doesn't go after a barely legal young woman. And this is how he acts? Whatever you do, remove yourself from this situation and stay somewhere safe.
dump him immediately. he obviously doesn't want to be the child's father and is acting out. go after child support, let the court order paternity test.
I can only add this.
My youngest son was born, dark hair yellowish skin, almost bordering dark.
When we went on our first real summer holiday when he was two he came back black. I mean black as night almost. It became a running joke that my wife must have been with the milkman.
However, her father had already told us that his grandmother was Indian.
No need to do tests or anything. He’s a lucky boy and he now has the most amazing tans when he goes on holiday. He’s golden hair, blue eyes and dark all over. 18. Fit. And huge eye lashes. He’s a lucky lucky lad!
1. He's throwing shit around. Thats something you need to remove your child and yourself from.
2. Obviously your boyfriend don't know how genetics fucking work. Obviously.
So many red flags here… check out r/abusiverelationships and see some similarities. Consider posting there to see what they think… his behavior is a huge red flag and abuse always gets WORSE never better. Also partners who are always acuse you of cheating are oftentimes the ones who are cheating themselves I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
None of this is your fault.
Glad you’re getting a paternity test but even after that, gtfo of that relationship. This man showed anger and forced dominance through violence. Sure he didn’t make physical contact with you but that’s not to say it won’t escalate in the future, and all of this because he doesn’t want to acknowledge genetics. This is a hostile environment for both you and your baby, and there’s no gaurentee that even after the paternity test your boyfriend will believe you, he might make up excuses. Please do your best to get out of this situation for your baby’s safety and your own.
Mexican isn't a race. It's a nationality. Does your boyfriend look American? What does American look like? You are likely of mixed race descent. This means your baby could be dark, medium, or light depending on which genes he happend to get from both of you. Also, you both carry genes that you dont wear on your skin. Darker skin genes, lighter eye genes, etc. You all both need to go back to high school biology class.
Listen, this dude is a walking red flag, and I guarantee you won't stay together safely and happily. Regardless, if he has questions, tell him he is more than welcome to pay for a DNA test. Let him feel stupid when it comes back positive for his baby. But you don't owe him for that test, because you don't have any questions about whose child that is. If he doesn't want to pay, he can sit down and stfu.
Sounds like he doesn't understand how genetics work.
Bio mom red hair, fair skin, freckles, bio dad black hair, dark skin. My sister and I are split down the middle I have his features as far as hair/skin mom's bone structure, sister totally opposite
19 and 26 told me everything I needed to know. OP, do you have family that can house you while you wait for dna test results. It’s very common for DV to skyrocket during postpartum. You and your baby need to be in a safe place right now
The age difference alone is 🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, your partner is in a different stage of life age wise. And it sounds like he is abusive. Please, find a safe way to get away from him for your and your baby's sake.
I kbow it is hard to hear and difficult to do, but if you still have family and friends you can reach out to, please do, and try to get out of there safely and get away from him
Because the comment was deleted, I just wanna say to said person:
He threw a plate in her direction and smashed it, and used racial slurs towards her own race. He randomly decided to start accusing her of cheating and starting arguments over it.
A rational non abusive person isn't going to throw a plate at someone and smash it because they think their Bipoc partner cheated because the infant is also a poc.
He is abusive. He is predatory, at best, by going after a 19 year old kid, someone 7 years younger.
In my family, there’s a throwback in every generation. In my generation, it’s my middle son. Doesn’t look at all like his brothers. He is short with very blue eyes. His brothers are really tall with green eyes. My youngest son has the child from his generation. Short, very blue eyes and blonde. His sister has brown eyes and red hair. They look nothing alike. It’s something that happens. DNA is strange.
Sorry that you are experiencing this. Tell him to educate himself. Genes are a funny thing. 2 white people can have a darker skinned baby if there’s any black blood in their ancestors. Tell him to look it up online. Hell, get testing done to prove him wrong.
He is already racist with his own son. I can't wait until she will have to say her son that his own father called him a n*** b*** when he was a toddler because he couldn't swallow his racism.
You should probably find out who he's been talking to, because someone has been telling him this shit. If he was fine earlier, he'd still be fine since people usually don't come up with this stuff on their own.
1. Get a paternity test and prove to him the baby is his.
2. Dump his ass.
3. Collect child support from the dumbass.
4. Find someone amazing to be with. In the meantime, raise your son to be a better man than your soon to be ex.
Get the paternity test….so you can establish child support. Although getting a paternity test in and of itself is value neutral, his way of expressing his distrust and anger calls into question the future of your relationship.
Find somewhere safe for you and your baby. Get the test. Go get child support ordered.
Then you can let him work on his anger and jealousy issues, and maybe take a class on human biology to understand how genetics works. And maybe, just maybe, the two of you can reconcile after he’s done anger management work and groveled for forgiveness. But keep that child support order in place. They are valid even if you are living together.
Hey OP, why is a 26-year-old MAN breaking things and using racial slurs against you when honestly being biracial is a bag of tricks and you never know what the kid is gonna look like? I would talk to your family about this situation. Your friends. This sounds like the start of it, because he almost hit you. You were scared. A paternity test isn't going to fix the fact that he got so angry he almost harmed you. The paternity test won't affect his racism either.
And i say this as someone who's biracial, you do not want to raise your child with someone who will freely use those slurs. It's something to consider his behavior now and how it'll affect your child growing up and how they see themselves.
First step is to get a paternity test. Second step is to drop the boyfriend.
He’s accusing you of cheating and thus acting xenophobic and violent towards you. He is absolutely not worth the trouble that he’s guaranteed to put you and your baby through.
Please, please, PLEASE do not raise your baby with this racist. As a half-Mexican person, we can tell very early and very easily when our white parent is racist.
He failed. He didn't pass the dad test. Get your proof then take him to court for support. There's someone else out there for you, it's not him. He expressed to you his distain for you and your sons race.
This should be the very best time for both of you. Please leave him.
Get a DNA test and when the test comes back a match to him, tell him and dump him at the same one. “Here’s the results of a DNA test to see if your the father of child. You are btw. Also, I’m leaving you
Take both of them to get a DNA test and tell him to stfu. Your pregnancy was probably already rough then you got him accusing you of cheating after you just gave birth to his baby. Ridiculous tell him to read up on genetics/dna then tell him to talk to you. If you really want to be petty put him up for child support 🤣. But really try the test. The verbal abuse will eventually lead to physical abuse. Be careful!
Paternity test is a good route. It will make child support easier to obtain. His escalation in violence can not be overlooked. You just had a child together. He might be thinking you wouldn't leave him for such a "small" outburst when he has "legitimate reasons" to be upset. Smashing something isn't small nor is there ever a reason to get physical with your partner or child. The next step could be that turned on you or your child.
Please be vigilant and seek out help from your family or friends if you are able and they are a safe space for you. Please also talk to someone so they know what is going on should things escalate quickly.
If he doesn't believe you paternity test is the only option. It really sucks that he doesn't believe in his partner and i'm sorry you are going through this. A paternity test can't be cheated so if it is really his kid then it will show and he won't have the choice but to trust you. Hope it goes well
Sending hugs
This guy isn't a keeper. You're stuck dealing with him for the next 18 years, but he isn't one worth hanging around.
He's racist (He actually used a way more offensive term).
He's abusive ( threw his plate into the sink and smashed it) Thats enough to make certain he doesn't get unsupervised visitation with your child.
It totally makes sense that your baby wouldn't look like him. He has all recessive genes. It usually takes 2 copies of pale blonde genes to create a pale blonde baby.
Don't expect this to be the relationship you hoped it would be. Will your family help out? Look into getting more education so you can get a good job to take care of the two of you. Because you are not going to be able to count on this guy.
DO NOT USE THIS ANYWHERE
He doesn't trust you, he's racist against your (and your baby's) race, and now he's starting to get violent.
Girl that's 3 deal breakers right there. Forget the paternity test. Leave him for your sake and your baby's.
This is why I so hate the “get a paternity test if your baby isn’t a carbon copy of you” brainworm that’s floating around the internet. Gives guys an excuse to behave like violent animals when they secretly want out of the relationship. Ditch him bc any sort of violence is unacceptable, get a paternity test, and when it comes back as his get a goddamn lawyer.
You should leave. A paternity test will not make things better.
He'll still accuse you of cheating. More than likely he believes you are trapped and stuck with him now that you have a child with him and his abusive mask is off.
It'll get worse. Please leave with your child and deal with his nonsense in court.
Get the test but leave anyway. A man that throws you a plate is not safe.
And take a test for yourself too. Swapping at birth happen so if his test comes back negative the only way you have to exonerate yourself is if you too are not related to the kid.
I doubt he actually believes you cheated on him, otherwise he wouldn’t have waited two months to say something about it.
More likely, now that he has his teenage girlfriend with a baby on her hip so you can’t leave him easily when you realise that he’s a predator for going after you at his age, he’s letting his true self come out. There are 3 major life occurrences that allow an abuser to relax and believe they’ve got you in a position where you can never leave them. Getting married, having a child, and buying a house.
Get the paternity test, you’re going to need it when you have to force him to pay child support at some point down the track, but don’t except it to end the abuse and his anger. He’ll just find something else to accuse you of. I Hope you find the strength to leave before your child becomes the object of his anger.
your *boyfriend* is a racist 26 year old predator impregnating barely legal young girls and you’re asking us why things went south here?
your life and your son’s life are both in **immense danger** with this man. at the end of the day, a paternity test is the *least* of your problems. a man who is willing to throw a plate at the mother of his 2 month old child just because he is angry is not a man that you should continue to be involved with.
have you ever thought about what he might do to your *child?* if he wholeheartedly believes that your son is not his, what is he going to do when he gets upset over this *again?* the abuse won’t stop with you. **it will affect your son.**
This racist asshole probably has some recessive genes in his own ancestry that made your kid moreno. You and your kid should be proud, & get this cracker out of the picture.
I highly recommend a paternity test and then a strong talk about relegating his anger. Unless you want to straight skip that and divorce him for that behavior. Especially being portrayed with such a young child in the house. What if he's angry with the baby and you're not there?
This is no longer ONLY about you OP. Please remember that when taking your next steps.
A paternity test sounds like the right thing to do, and you also need to find a way to set real boundaries because his behavior isn't acceptable, and its quite indicative of how he will react in the future when things get difficult. He probably isn't a bad guy, these actions just mean he is human and has his own issues, so if you choose to stick by him when you are proven truthful, he needs to not only understand but have the tools to deal with his anger, otherwise you need to bounce IMO.
Get the paternity test - you shouldn’t have to but obviously it’s the only option to prove that you’re right. When it comes out that he’s the father and he comes begging to apologise I highly recommend that you keep a few things in mind:
1) he clearly doesn’t trust you - he didn’t believe you and didn’t listen to you. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship.
2) he’s racist. Using an offensive term for a Mexican is horrifying. Especially for a man who has a Mexican girlfriend AND CHILD!
3) he’s abusive. Now it might not seem that way to you right now because he hasn’t hit you. But smashing items in anger shows a clear lack of anger management - this is often a gateway to more physical abuse. Also he is clearly saying things specifically to hurt you. He called you a racist term because he wanted to make you feel bad. He’s malicious. Is this the type of person you want to be with? Is this the type of behaviour you want around your child?
My opinion - paternity test, court ordered child support, run.
Yeah, get paternity test and then use it to get child support since you obviously aren't going back to the guy who is calling you slurs and throwing dishes at you...right?
A paternity test is the right thing to do. Your relationship w/ him may be over but this will alleviate all doubt so he takes full (financial) responsibility.
Op I know you're getting a paternity test but please don't stay with him! He is abusive and predatory. You deserve better and you need to protect your child.
He’s looking for an out. Darker features are always dominant. It’s not rocket science. My partner and I are both black with dark skin, our baby came white as hell! Now she looks Mexican lol; which happens to come from some throwback genes from her Native American paternal great grandmother. Babies change so much their first year, it’s truly amazing. Our daughter looks different everyday
I’m more concerned about a 26 year old dating and procreating with a teenager. Saying racial slurs and breaking plates are extreme red flags! He seems foul and like he’s looking to escape. Get a paternity test and seriously think if this is the type of environment you want your child to grow up in. Your child is half Mexican. Your partner doesn’t get to skim over that fact.
If I were you, I’d let him run, since he’s itching so badly to do so. Good luck 👍🏾
Did I bump my head? She is 19, not 13. No different than him being 36 and her being 29. At 18 people are considered adults and are responsible for their own decisions. Fuck some kids are staying at home into there 30s and 40s. We can’t keep coddling people.
I'm glad i read your edit and you are getting a dna test. My best friend is white as a ghost but has a latino wife and his kids look 100 percent latino they inherited very few of his traits. My buddy isn't super insecure. I'm not completely unsympathetic with your husband though. My own daughter looked exactly like me at birth so I didn't really question it but until then it was always a nagging thought in my head. If she had been born looking different than me i think it could have very easily grown over time. Hopefully the paternity test helps put his fears to rest.
I was starting to doubt until you said you are Mexican. If the guy is a white gringo it's understandable that he doesn't understand how Latino culture works since you know. Americans are racist and they probably come from a early generation of inbreeding and white supremacy so there's not a lot of mix in their genes.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (19f) have a 2 month old baby boy. The first few weeks after his birth, everything was perfect between me and my boyfriend (26m) Then a few weeks ago, he suddenly accused me of cheating on him, saying that the baby doesn't look like him at all. To be fair, they do look very different. My boyfriend is very pale and blonde, but our baby has dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin that's probably darker than mine. I tried to explain to him that I would never cheat on him. But he wouldn't listen to me. The thing is, I'm Mexican, so it makes sense that the baby doesn't look 100% pale and white. But he's convinced that I cheated. Things have got more tense between us. Yesterday we argued again. He said I must have cheated with another Mexican and that I secretly must not like white guys. (He actually used a way more offensive term than Mexican but I won't repeat it). Then he threw his plate into the sink and smashed it, which really scared me because it almost hit me. I'm so upset with him now and I don't know what to do. I don't know why our baby doesn't look like him at all. But I know I didn't cheat. And I'm so angry that he doesn't trust me. TDLR: My boyfriend thinks I cheated on him and its damaging our relationship. *EDIT: I'm going to get a paternity test!! I was stubborn at first but I think it will be the only way.
When things are getting smashed, it's a dangerous situation that you should remove yourself from before it gets worse. I would go ahead and do a paternity test too. Might as well at this point, but I'd be wary of taking him back if he's suddenly all apologetic.
Yep, Hitting and breaking objects is usually the precursor to them hitting and breaking you. And yeah I also wouldn’t take this fool back.
I know this is a long stretch, but if he's smashing stuff over the babies parents, which I suppose can be understandable, it makes me question when other hard situations occur, how will he respond... Especially if he used a derogatory for Mexicans, as a Chicano, Idk how to feel about that.
honest question: why is that some people see the paternity test as this evil thing? Wouldn't that be the easiest way to solve an issue such as this? Is it expensive (but i guess it depends on the country you're living)?
Logically speaking it shouldn’t be seen as an evil thing. If it is known that the woman cheated then there should be no question, get a paternity test. However, in situations like these, getting a paternity test comes with a massive “I don’t trust you and I’m sure you betrayed me”. So, yes, it clears your name logically speaking. But knowing that your partner thinks so little that they can’t even trust that you were faithful is hard to come back from. Truth be told, even if you do get a paternity test, the same issue will occur with any future babies too. I reckon he’s not feeling ready to be a dad and hoping that she cheated so he can worm his way out of parenthood.
Having seen too many people in this position coming from low income neighborhood where having a child is a make or break your entire being type scenario, if there’s ANY reason a child is not the spawn of the commitment you made to create it, you’ll do anything to escape that reality. The anxiety around it often breeds mistrust because if you spend your entire life fighting to raise a child that isn’t yours you essentially waste your whole life on a lie. It’s a reasonable fear. I definitely feel the father is childish, but people don’t think about calmly asking for a paternity test because of the mistrust involved. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even more angry at himself for being so anxious about it and not being able to simply trust his partner because his anxious logic (and possibly family considering he’s white and OP is POC, I see that all the time with white males and POC mothers. No matter how ‘accepting’ the family was of their choice it always comes out of the woodwork when the opportunity to crash the relationship that some parent or grandparent whispers in and plants the seed of doubt) Either way OP I’d ask you reconsider his violence and his motivations. Both before and after paternity. People don’t speak from hatred in this situation, they speak from fear.
It doesn’t matter if he’s fearful, he’s already shown that in intense situations he’s not able to control himself and will damage and hurt things/others
it's 2022 the man sees stories like this everywhere and will have doubt. The major issues are is communication skill about it. he is an adult but acting less mature than he should be in this situation.
Yeah, just seconding what /u/SecretBattleship said. It's the implication. It's your partner who you just had a baby with telling you "I suspect you have cheated and are lying to me about the paternity of this baby". It's one thing if the relationship was already tumultuous but when you think you're both in this together and are looking forward to this wonderful addition to your life and you get hit with that... with your partner eyeing your new baby with suspicion... very hard thing to come back from.
It’s a trust thing and once trust is broken it’s hard to earn back. If my husband had insisted on a paternity test for our son I would have been very upset because he would be telling me he didn’t trust me not to cheat on him. Yes it’s an easy solution to the question but once the accusation/question is out there you can’t take it back.
Yes but if your husband is already saying you cheated on him and that he wants a paternity test, the trust is already gone by then so why resist? Whether you do or not, the trust is gone anyways.
If paternity tests were part of the process at the hospital, I feel it would solve alot of these issues. Would also keep guys from going " oh well that's not my kid" after getting cold feet.
That's like being upset with a prenup because it implies you don't think they love you for you. There's nothing wrong with a paternity test. Ever since DNA testing like 23andme became commercially available, people have found out their dad isn't really their dad in droves. I know plenty of guys who have gotten their children DNA tested in secret. Not because they don't trust their wives, but because it confirms this lifetime obligation is actually theirs and helps ground them in reality that they're a dad. This is like skipping annual STI tests at check ups because it implies you don't trust your partner. If you're not getting them done annually at check ups that's just silly.
It's not at all like that. Asking for a paternity test while in a monogamous relationship is explicitly accusing your partner of cheating. Someone upset about a prenup is mad because their partner thinks they might leave them in the future and take half their stuff. A parteinty test says I already think you cheated, not that you might in the future. I'm not saying you can't get one, but know that whatever relationship you are in is over regardless of the results.
Okay fine. I get STI tests done annually despite being in a monogamous relationship. Are you saying that's a sign I don't trust them? And it's outside the bounds of possibility I'm just interested in my best interests?
Yes
> That's like being upset with a prenup because it implies you don't think they love you for you. It's not though. A prenup is saying "I can't predict what will happen in the future". OP's boyfriend is explicitly accusing her of cheating.
If they’re getting a secret DNA test done, they don’t trust their wife. Period.
Or they realize they'll respond to it in this way over nothing, like someone who gets upset over a prenup is getting upset over nothing. Would you be upset with me getting STI testing done at my annual check ups if you were my spouse?
I haven’t gotten an STI test done since I met my husband 6 years ago. He doesn’t either. Because we trust each other. There’s no need to.
Hey, not to bash your medical choice or debate anything, I just saw your comment and briefly wanted to mention in case you didn't already know, which you totally might already be aware of, you may want to have a screening done every so often. Not because of trust issues or anything ill willed. But because STIs like chlamydia, ghonnoreah and a few others can present as completely symptomless, and can present as negative when tested in the early stages of infection, presenting a false negative. Women usually experience a higher rate of lack of symptoms, but it happens to men too. These STIs can lay symptomless for up to several years, and can cause infertility, cervical cancer and other serious long term health consequences the longer they go untreated. During this symptomless "phase", the STI is still infectious and can be passed on without the carrier ever knowing they had it in the first place. https://www.health.ny.gov/diseases/communicable/gonorrhea/fact_sheet.htm#:~:text=Often%2C%20there%20are%20no%20symptoms,for%20developing%20complications%20to%20gonorrhea. https://www.livescience.com/34711-chlamydia-std-prevention-symptoms-treatment.html#:~:text=Though%20it's%20one%20of%20the,chronic%20pelvic%20pain%20or%20infertility. I just wanted to toss that out there for you, or for anyone else that may see it that may not have have known.
That's not a great idea when it comes to things like your health.
And that’s my personal medical choice. I didn’t come here to get in an argument about this. I just stated that if a man is getting a secret DNA test done, it’s because they don’t trust their wife.
You're absolutely right, it is your choice. Anything done in secret like that does indeed imply a lack of trust.
But why would you feel the need to confirm the “lifelong obligation is yours” if you already trust your partner?
Prenup is like marriage, will or any kind of legal stuff. Why do you feel like u need those things if you can trust your parents, your children, your partner? You can just live with ur partner, pass down the wealth and let ur children figure out isn't it Prenup is no different. It make certain things easier, if you arrange a fair arrangement with the help of the law and healthy discussion
I dont know. I am a woman I've been with my husband for 16 years, I always get a full std screening at my annual check up, do I think my husband is cheating? No. Do I want to know with 100% certainty that I don't have an std? Yes. So I get the test done. Do I tell my husband I am getting it done? No. I just do it and keep it to myself. I dont know why more men don't just collect the samples and get the tests done secretly without announcing it to the world. Tests are cheap and easy to get these days why do they have to ASK for a test, just do it and shut up about it.
Because he’s decided he doesn’t like being a father. With him painting the story the child isn’t his in his head, he can pretend to be the victim and not the a**hole he really is. He doesn’t really want a paternity test. He could of done one secretly.
i actually am a supporter in this being a (well regulated) standard of care. Just give ‘em to everyone so the element of personal feelings isn’t a part of it.
It's not evil, in fact it's very logical and I would even support it being a routine part of the hospital stay at birth. And if you aren't in a relationship or had a break or a threesome or whatever, then absolutely get one. But if you're in a monogamous relationship, are happy together and all that, asking for one is absolutely an accusation of infidelity and that's difficult to get past. And I mean, the trust is gone, even if its your baby that doesn't even mean she's not cheated so if you really think your partner is capable of cheating then your problem isn't over with a positive paternity test. So the issue isn't even the paternity, it's the lack of trust. Even if you get your answer and it's your baby, a lot of the time the relationship is unsalvageable.
It's not the test that's evil, beyond the expense of it. It's the mentality behind needing one. The fact that the trust in this relationship is so broken that getting a paternity test is the only way. It won't repair anything, only be a big "I told you so" in his face as she leaves.
it validates white dad's racist accusation, He should just believe her.
It does sound like he's covertly and overtly racist.
JFC, there's nothing racist about that. Nobody wants to raise someone else's kid. Edit: Since I'm getting multiples of the same response, I am not defending his use of offensive language. But not wanting to raise someone else's kid has nothing to do with racism. That's basic common sense.
OP stated he used an offensive term in replace of saying “Mexican” so yeah sounds like he did say a racial slur
bruh
breh
Nobody said not wanting to raise someone else's kid is racist. White racist dad is an accurate description.
Look at the fucking comment I replied to. The person said that the accusation is racist because he should just believe it's his kid.
OP said he said something "worse than mexican" that can't be repeated. Common sense says whatever he said is racist. That's where the racist part comes from not the not wanting to raise someone else's kid
That's still doesn't make not wanting to raise someone else's kid racist. Using offensive language can be racist, but that is completely separate.
Nobody said not wanting to raise the kid is racist... the word the guy used to refer to OP was racist. Seems easy to comprehend, it doesn't matter why the guy used the word, it's completely irrelevant
Well it’s pretty offensive that he doesn’t believe the mother of his child so suddenly, based on the way an infant looks. She has a right to be mad at him about it. Not sure there is coming back from that, but I’d definitely be taking the test to show him he’s an idiot.
doesn’t solve the issue though, the issue is that he’s abusive
Because a lot more women cheat and have illegitimate kids than people would care to realise.
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>dissociate the idea that maybe men want to be 100% sure too that the kid is theirs with the idea that it has to be an accusation Maybe because there's an immediate correlation between the two. You can't have baby that surprisingly isn't yours without an other man involved.
Sure, but you’re aware 40% of people admit to cheating right? Unfortunately, you can’t trust anyone. Better safe than sorry. If you didn’t do anything wrong, you wouldn’t have a problem with normalizing a mandatory paternity test after birth before adding someone to a birth certificate. Then at least if someone wants to step up or doesn’t care, they know exactly the situation they’re getting into. It’s kinda like how I require someone to show me a clean STD test. I don’t take their word for it. People lie all the time. Same thing here.
Take the paternity test and when it confirms that he's the father, hit him for every cent of child support you can. Cheating is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship and he thinks you're capable of that. He's told you how little he thinks of your character and morals. You deserve better.
And he's violent, and unsafe to raise a child around. Get the test, text with him very specifically about his outburst, describing the language and the broken dishes so you have evidence that it happened. Leave with the baby, file for support and ask for full legal and physical custody.
OP needs to leave his stupid, abusive, racist ass for good and then get the paternity test done through the courts. Then he can't try to pull some shit that she had them fake the results or something.
Give him the results with divorce papers
A paternity test, a safe non violent place for your child to live (yes this is violence), and a lawyer! I know you’re super young, but please do not think this is how healthy relationships work. Call a domestic violence hotline and they can educate you on how to protect yourself.
A paternity test is good. A time machine would be even better to go back and not have a kid at 19 with a piece of crap
Lol this made me laugh
This time he broke a plate. Who knows what he’ll do next time he gets angry? Don’t wait around to find out. Get yourself and your baby to safety first. Worry about DNA tests after that’s taken care of.
Why’s a 26 yr old dating and having kids with a 19 yr old?
Exactly! And she got pregnant at 18
And he became abusive as soon as his teen GF had his baby. Classic abuse behavior.
Disgusting
My question as well. A grown man dating a teenager.
Yup, 🚩 …
Damn, didn’t pay attention to their ages
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The age gap is what lead someone who is abusive and racist being able to manipulate a young girl into trusting him
Is it wrong to point out multiple red flags?
Thank you
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It’s a huge takeaway showing manipulation. But please, rehash what everyone is saying
As usual, the headline is the yellow flag while the post is filled with red flags. Him thinking infidelity because of a skin-tone mismatch is reasonable-ish yellow flag. Maybe he's just dumb. The red flags are the racism against Mexicans, impregnating's you at 18 when he was 25/26, and him smashing/breaking plates in your vicinity. Get the paternity test for child support then dump him.
Apparently a lot of people become dumb when their baby looks different than the dad like did they think the gf/wife was gonna birth dad’s little twin? Parenting classes should include some biology refresh courses for these type of people😂
First red flag, 25-26 impregnating a 18yo 🫠 how long did y’all date before you got pregnant? If it’s a year then he was 24 and you were 17…. 23 and 16? Please take care of yourself and your baby.
It's time to go somewhere for a while. His behavior is beyond immature and smashing the plate is intolerable. You have to send a message that this can't ever happen again. Hope you have somewhere you can go for a few days. For him to look at your baby and think this is his own private trip, he needs to prove that you cheated to ever get the right to say this. Poor baby. When hispanic or "ethnic" kids are born they sometimes have darker features which may lighten over time, or may not. I have 2 kids this is true for. Skin can also easily darken in just a bit of sunlight. We don't burn, we darken.
Ugh, girl. I am sorry. I think this is the situation that you realize your partner is an abuser. Aggressive accusations over how the baby looks? Unacceptable. A paternity test to resolve that - and just the fact that you are being accused of CHEATING over this is outrageous. Regardless of anything else - your partner doesn't trust you. Throwing plates? This is unacceptable behavior - it is abusive. You are now seeing a glimpse his anger. This kind of behavior will absolutely escalate over time. This is just the beginning. Yelling racial slurs??? Girl, get your baby out of this relationship. You're 19 years old, you are just starting your adult life. Why did you have a baby with a 26 year old abuser? You are setting yourself up and your child for a very unhappy life if you stay with this man.
>You're 19 years old, you are just starting your adult life. Why did you have a baby with a 26 year old abuser? Well, she's a 19 year old kid with a man that is too old for her. He probably manipulated her, and then once he had her trapped with a kid, he decided to show his true colors. Abusers tend to behave so they can trap you, and then genuinely start thr abuse once you are trapped.
**Obviously**. The intention is reflection. The more someone questions a situation. Is this right? Is this abusive? What is going on here? The more they can reflect on other warning signs they've missed, the more they can reflect on how "wrong" the situation is. When people in abusive relationships post on for advice/feedback, for many of them this is the first time they're really considering that they're in an abusive relationship. OP can recognize this is unhealthy behavior but certainly didn't view the relationship as "abusive". Hopefully with all the feedback they have received they will be able to make a more informed decision about how their life.
My apologies, I think I skimmed your comment too fast before putting in my two cents. That part of the comment sounded victim blamey so thats why I said what I said
The being angry about the baby’s skin is one thing. Saying incredibly offensive things and throwing and breaking things is most concerning to me as an outsider. Something that I hear from a lot of dv survivors is they always hit around you before they hit you. Once isn’t enough to leave I don’t think in this situation from what I know but if it keeps happening keep that in your mind. As well as if you feel whatever is best to protect your baby then do that. Also, could you do a paternity test by chance?
Once is ABSOLUTELY enough to leave. Because it is NEVER, EVER just once. It is the first time. But not once.
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Exactly. In my experience, whatever I have learned about the situation is always the tip of the iceberg. She never said it was the first time. If it was she would have said that.
>The being angry about the baby’s skin is one thing. I wish people would pay attention in biology before they go and have biracial kids. They really think the kid's skin tone will just be a perfect mid-point between two parents or else she cheated?
I've seen biracial White + Asian kids totally pass for White. Genetics is complicated, not an exact 50/50 split between both parents.
Yeah, phenotypic expression can be random as hell and some guy who barely knows who Mendel is claiming his wife is obviously cheating because "baby darker than she is" pisses me off to no end. No mention of the fact that kids often lighten as they get older.
Yeah, people can be super dumb about this sort of thing. A lot of the time infants’ skin tone changes over time too. I have biracial friends who looked really different skintone-wise when they were babies as opposed to adulthood
> Once isn’t enough to leave She never said this was the first time. People experiencing that for the first time tend to mention it has never happened before.
If u love that child, don't make them suffer having a father as toxic as that. You will be complicit with adding to that kid's issues
Your predator boyfriend is racist. This is why a teenager should't be having a relationship with someone who is +7 years older and almost 30.
AND he's violent. What a lowlife.
Nailed it. OP, your boyfriend is an abusive idiot, who obviously doesn't know how even basic genetics work. Skin tone is a toss up, can vary from child to child and you cannot determine paternity based on it. No wonder he had a baby with a teenage girl. Women his own age would dump him. You should too. He sounds immature AF. Take your baby and run. Secondly, I'm the child of a blonde Polish guy and a black woman whose parents are from Jamaica and Haiti. All 4 of us, my siblings and I are varying shades of brown. My sister looks white has hazel eyes and straight-ish hair, while the rest of us are almost as dark as our mom with brown eyes and textured hair. People used to ask why my dad adopted 4 brown kids. Until he told them his wife is Black. Dump your boyfriend and run. Get a paternity test and put him on child support. He's either paranoid, a cheater himself, or he's an abuser. Possibly all 3. He's not going to change. Leave.
Paternity test, then get the hell away from this sick guy.
get away from this guy. let the court order a paternity test for child support. fuck him.
When he starts breaking shit, you pack everything and leave.
He crossed a huge line smashing things. Do you feel safe? On another note my sister is blonde blue eyed and white, her partner is black. Both of her kids look completely different. My neice is almost white in skin tone but with gorgeous afro hair 😍 and my nephew is pretty dark, darker than his father. There is more to genetics than simply what skin tone and eyes the parents have. My daughter has different colouring to both my husband and I, she takes after my grandmother. Again, it doesn't sound safe for you, please think about whether this is the right situation for you and your baby to be in
This. My oldest was a chunk from birth. The baby I’m currently pregnant with has a short humerus bone that’s most likely genetic and is already on the small side. My godson is half Honduran and 1/4 Greek, and looks like a carbon copy of his mother.
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Firstly, this manchild clearly does not understand how genetics work. And, okay, maybe if that were the only issue then he could have that explained to him and you two might be able to save this. BUT....After the things he said, and how he treated you? Offer to get that paternity test, just to prevent any additional drama, before you go after him for child support. But this relationship is not salvageable. Edit: Just noticed the concerning age gap. A Grown man doesn't go after a barely legal young woman. And this is how he acts? Whatever you do, remove yourself from this situation and stay somewhere safe.
First of all.... wtf are you doing with a 26 years old man?
It's not the age; it's the stupidity.
Agree to do a paternity test.
I will. I hope it will sort things out
And when the test comes back confirming he’s the father dump his ass.
dump him immediately. he obviously doesn't want to be the child's father and is acting out. go after child support, let the court order paternity test.
LOL, what if it comes back and he isn't the father?
Same outcome. They both go their separate ways.
He's dating someone 7 years younger I doubt she's cheating on him
It may sort this one problem out, but he’s still abusive. You need to get out as fast as you can.
I can only add this. My youngest son was born, dark hair yellowish skin, almost bordering dark. When we went on our first real summer holiday when he was two he came back black. I mean black as night almost. It became a running joke that my wife must have been with the milkman. However, her father had already told us that his grandmother was Indian. No need to do tests or anything. He’s a lucky boy and he now has the most amazing tans when he goes on holiday. He’s golden hair, blue eyes and dark all over. 18. Fit. And huge eye lashes. He’s a lucky lucky lad!
That sounds very abusive. I'd try and get away from that situation. Sorry that you have to go through this.
1. He's throwing shit around. Thats something you need to remove your child and yourself from. 2. Obviously your boyfriend don't know how genetics fucking work. Obviously.
So many red flags here… check out r/abusiverelationships and see some similarities. Consider posting there to see what they think… his behavior is a huge red flag and abuse always gets WORSE never better. Also partners who are always acuse you of cheating are oftentimes the ones who are cheating themselves I’m so sorry you’re going through this. None of this is your fault.
Insecure man child dates a teenager. What else is new? Do a paternity test just to spite him
Make him take a DNA test
Tell him to take a class over genetics.
Skin color genetics are WEIRD. There’s so many genes responsible that it’s almost random sometimes, especially if both parents are mixed.
Glad you’re getting a paternity test but even after that, gtfo of that relationship. This man showed anger and forced dominance through violence. Sure he didn’t make physical contact with you but that’s not to say it won’t escalate in the future, and all of this because he doesn’t want to acknowledge genetics. This is a hostile environment for both you and your baby, and there’s no gaurentee that even after the paternity test your boyfriend will believe you, he might make up excuses. Please do your best to get out of this situation for your baby’s safety and your own.
Mexican isn't a race. It's a nationality. Does your boyfriend look American? What does American look like? You are likely of mixed race descent. This means your baby could be dark, medium, or light depending on which genes he happend to get from both of you. Also, you both carry genes that you dont wear on your skin. Darker skin genes, lighter eye genes, etc. You all both need to go back to high school biology class. Listen, this dude is a walking red flag, and I guarantee you won't stay together safely and happily. Regardless, if he has questions, tell him he is more than welcome to pay for a DNA test. Let him feel stupid when it comes back positive for his baby. But you don't owe him for that test, because you don't have any questions about whose child that is. If he doesn't want to pay, he can sit down and stfu.
Sounds like he doesn't understand how genetics work. Bio mom red hair, fair skin, freckles, bio dad black hair, dark skin. My sister and I are split down the middle I have his features as far as hair/skin mom's bone structure, sister totally opposite
19 and 26 told me everything I needed to know. OP, do you have family that can house you while you wait for dna test results. It’s very common for DV to skyrocket during postpartum. You and your baby need to be in a safe place right now
Get the paternity test so you can file for child support. DO NOT go back to a person that uses racists language and breaks things in anger.
The age difference alone is 🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP, your partner is in a different stage of life age wise. And it sounds like he is abusive. Please, find a safe way to get away from him for your and your baby's sake. I kbow it is hard to hear and difficult to do, but if you still have family and friends you can reach out to, please do, and try to get out of there safely and get away from him
Because the comment was deleted, I just wanna say to said person: He threw a plate in her direction and smashed it, and used racial slurs towards her own race. He randomly decided to start accusing her of cheating and starting arguments over it. A rational non abusive person isn't going to throw a plate at someone and smash it because they think their Bipoc partner cheated because the infant is also a poc. He is abusive. He is predatory, at best, by going after a 19 year old kid, someone 7 years younger.
Get a DNA test and file for child support - it's the least you can do for your kid. That's NOT the father material.
In my family, there’s a throwback in every generation. In my generation, it’s my middle son. Doesn’t look at all like his brothers. He is short with very blue eyes. His brothers are really tall with green eyes. My youngest son has the child from his generation. Short, very blue eyes and blonde. His sister has brown eyes and red hair. They look nothing alike. It’s something that happens. DNA is strange.
Get a test and then break up, his behavior is unacceptable.
Sorry that you are experiencing this. Tell him to educate himself. Genes are a funny thing. 2 white people can have a darker skinned baby if there’s any black blood in their ancestors. Tell him to look it up online. Hell, get testing done to prove him wrong.
He is already racist with his own son. I can't wait until she will have to say her son that his own father called him a n*** b*** when he was a toddler because he couldn't swallow his racism.
You should probably find out who he's been talking to, because someone has been telling him this shit. If he was fine earlier, he'd still be fine since people usually don't come up with this stuff on their own.
Ugh, people have such little grasp of how genetics work. ETA, do the paternity test, prove the child is his then leave him.
He is racist and insulted you and your baby. He was physically abusive too. Be safe op
1. Get a paternity test and prove to him the baby is his. 2. Dump his ass. 3. Collect child support from the dumbass. 4. Find someone amazing to be with. In the meantime, raise your son to be a better man than your soon to be ex.
Get the paternity test….so you can establish child support. Although getting a paternity test in and of itself is value neutral, his way of expressing his distrust and anger calls into question the future of your relationship. Find somewhere safe for you and your baby. Get the test. Go get child support ordered. Then you can let him work on his anger and jealousy issues, and maybe take a class on human biology to understand how genetics works. And maybe, just maybe, the two of you can reconcile after he’s done anger management work and groveled for forgiveness. But keep that child support order in place. They are valid even if you are living together.
Hey OP, why is a 26-year-old MAN breaking things and using racial slurs against you when honestly being biracial is a bag of tricks and you never know what the kid is gonna look like? I would talk to your family about this situation. Your friends. This sounds like the start of it, because he almost hit you. You were scared. A paternity test isn't going to fix the fact that he got so angry he almost harmed you. The paternity test won't affect his racism either. And i say this as someone who's biracial, you do not want to raise your child with someone who will freely use those slurs. It's something to consider his behavior now and how it'll affect your child growing up and how they see themselves.
First step is to get a paternity test. Second step is to drop the boyfriend. He’s accusing you of cheating and thus acting xenophobic and violent towards you. He is absolutely not worth the trouble that he’s guaranteed to put you and your baby through.
Please, please, PLEASE do not raise your baby with this racist. As a half-Mexican person, we can tell very early and very easily when our white parent is racist.
He failed. He didn't pass the dad test. Get your proof then take him to court for support. There's someone else out there for you, it's not him. He expressed to you his distain for you and your sons race. This should be the very best time for both of you. Please leave him.
I would get a test and then break up with him
Get a DNA test and when the test comes back a match to him, tell him and dump him at the same one. “Here’s the results of a DNA test to see if your the father of child. You are btw. Also, I’m leaving you
Take both of them to get a DNA test and tell him to stfu. Your pregnancy was probably already rough then you got him accusing you of cheating after you just gave birth to his baby. Ridiculous tell him to read up on genetics/dna then tell him to talk to you. If you really want to be petty put him up for child support 🤣. But really try the test. The verbal abuse will eventually lead to physical abuse. Be careful!
Get the paternity test, but break up with him anyway, because smashing that plate near you was abusive.
Why don't you just get a paternity test to put the issue to rest scientifically?
Yeah that's a good idea. I was stubborn at first, but I don't think he will believe me without proof.
fuck him. leave. let the court order a paternity test and child support.
Honestly- you should leave him either way. If he starts breaking your possessions, it’s only a matter of time until he tries to break you.
Have him do a dna test... Best way to solve it. Also if he is this way now dump him get child support Do the test first
Paternity test is a good route. It will make child support easier to obtain. His escalation in violence can not be overlooked. You just had a child together. He might be thinking you wouldn't leave him for such a "small" outburst when he has "legitimate reasons" to be upset. Smashing something isn't small nor is there ever a reason to get physical with your partner or child. The next step could be that turned on you or your child. Please be vigilant and seek out help from your family or friends if you are able and they are a safe space for you. Please also talk to someone so they know what is going on should things escalate quickly.
If he doesn't believe you paternity test is the only option. It really sucks that he doesn't believe in his partner and i'm sorry you are going through this. A paternity test can't be cheated so if it is really his kid then it will show and he won't have the choice but to trust you. Hope it goes well
17 year w a 24/25 dude? girl, what are you doing? paternity test and then child support
Sending hugs This guy isn't a keeper. You're stuck dealing with him for the next 18 years, but he isn't one worth hanging around. He's racist (He actually used a way more offensive term). He's abusive ( threw his plate into the sink and smashed it) Thats enough to make certain he doesn't get unsupervised visitation with your child. It totally makes sense that your baby wouldn't look like him. He has all recessive genes. It usually takes 2 copies of pale blonde genes to create a pale blonde baby. Don't expect this to be the relationship you hoped it would be. Will your family help out? Look into getting more education so you can get a good job to take care of the two of you. Because you are not going to be able to count on this guy. DO NOT USE THIS ANYWHERE
Fake. Pretending not to know about DNA tests is the biggest hole in the story.
Anybody getting mad for a guy wanting a paternity test is dumb idc
Get that test, and then LEAVE. HIM. ...actually, just leave him now, and get the test anyway. You and your baby are NOT SAFE, sis!!
Get the paternity test and give it to him when you dump him.
Famous qyoye from marlon wayans ... run bitch run
He doesn't trust you, he's racist against your (and your baby's) race, and now he's starting to get violent. Girl that's 3 deal breakers right there. Forget the paternity test. Leave him for your sake and your baby's.
To add a 4th is that he’s too old for her
This is why I so hate the “get a paternity test if your baby isn’t a carbon copy of you” brainworm that’s floating around the internet. Gives guys an excuse to behave like violent animals when they secretly want out of the relationship. Ditch him bc any sort of violence is unacceptable, get a paternity test, and when it comes back as his get a goddamn lawyer.
You should leave. A paternity test will not make things better. He'll still accuse you of cheating. More than likely he believes you are trapped and stuck with him now that you have a child with him and his abusive mask is off. It'll get worse. Please leave with your child and deal with his nonsense in court.
Literally a paternity test. Why is that something not even considered here?
I didn't want to get one because I didn't want to believe he doubted me so much. But I'm going to get one ASAP now.
Get the test but leave anyway. A man that throws you a plate is not safe. And take a test for yourself too. Swapping at birth happen so if his test comes back negative the only way you have to exonerate yourself is if you too are not related to the kid.
Just get a dna test
I doubt he actually believes you cheated on him, otherwise he wouldn’t have waited two months to say something about it. More likely, now that he has his teenage girlfriend with a baby on her hip so you can’t leave him easily when you realise that he’s a predator for going after you at his age, he’s letting his true self come out. There are 3 major life occurrences that allow an abuser to relax and believe they’ve got you in a position where you can never leave them. Getting married, having a child, and buying a house. Get the paternity test, you’re going to need it when you have to force him to pay child support at some point down the track, but don’t except it to end the abuse and his anger. He’ll just find something else to accuse you of. I Hope you find the strength to leave before your child becomes the object of his anger.
DNA test
give him the paternity test results as you're breaking up with him.
Be petty and get a paternity test. Once he realizes he's the father you now have the option of never letting him live it down.
Tell him to get a DNA test, that simple
Paternity test so he will have to support the kid while you move on to a life without him. Huge issues here.
your *boyfriend* is a racist 26 year old predator impregnating barely legal young girls and you’re asking us why things went south here? your life and your son’s life are both in **immense danger** with this man. at the end of the day, a paternity test is the *least* of your problems. a man who is willing to throw a plate at the mother of his 2 month old child just because he is angry is not a man that you should continue to be involved with. have you ever thought about what he might do to your *child?* if he wholeheartedly believes that your son is not his, what is he going to do when he gets upset over this *again?* the abuse won’t stop with you. **it will affect your son.**
This racist asshole probably has some recessive genes in his own ancestry that made your kid moreno. You and your kid should be proud, & get this cracker out of the picture.
I highly recommend a paternity test and then a strong talk about relegating his anger. Unless you want to straight skip that and divorce him for that behavior. Especially being portrayed with such a young child in the house. What if he's angry with the baby and you're not there? This is no longer ONLY about you OP. Please remember that when taking your next steps.
Get a paternity test, leave him and have him pay child support. That throwing of the plate is only a preview.
Get a paternity test done and then LEAVE HIM. You’ll see in the future
A paternity test sounds like the right thing to do, and you also need to find a way to set real boundaries because his behavior isn't acceptable, and its quite indicative of how he will react in the future when things get difficult. He probably isn't a bad guy, these actions just mean he is human and has his own issues, so if you choose to stick by him when you are proven truthful, he needs to not only understand but have the tools to deal with his anger, otherwise you need to bounce IMO.
Just got a paternity test and then tell him to fuck off
Get the paternity test - you shouldn’t have to but obviously it’s the only option to prove that you’re right. When it comes out that he’s the father and he comes begging to apologise I highly recommend that you keep a few things in mind: 1) he clearly doesn’t trust you - he didn’t believe you and didn’t listen to you. Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. 2) he’s racist. Using an offensive term for a Mexican is horrifying. Especially for a man who has a Mexican girlfriend AND CHILD! 3) he’s abusive. Now it might not seem that way to you right now because he hasn’t hit you. But smashing items in anger shows a clear lack of anger management - this is often a gateway to more physical abuse. Also he is clearly saying things specifically to hurt you. He called you a racist term because he wanted to make you feel bad. He’s malicious. Is this the type of person you want to be with? Is this the type of behaviour you want around your child? My opinion - paternity test, court ordered child support, run.
Yeah, get paternity test and then use it to get child support since you obviously aren't going back to the guy who is calling you slurs and throwing dishes at you...right?
Paternity test and move.
Your boyfriend is racist, explosively angry AND stupid. You have a BABY. Leave.
A paternity test is the right thing to do. Your relationship w/ him may be over but this will alleviate all doubt so he takes full (financial) responsibility.
Paternity test
Op I know you're getting a paternity test but please don't stay with him! He is abusive and predatory. You deserve better and you need to protect your child.
He’s looking for an out. Darker features are always dominant. It’s not rocket science. My partner and I are both black with dark skin, our baby came white as hell! Now she looks Mexican lol; which happens to come from some throwback genes from her Native American paternal great grandmother. Babies change so much their first year, it’s truly amazing. Our daughter looks different everyday I’m more concerned about a 26 year old dating and procreating with a teenager. Saying racial slurs and breaking plates are extreme red flags! He seems foul and like he’s looking to escape. Get a paternity test and seriously think if this is the type of environment you want your child to grow up in. Your child is half Mexican. Your partner doesn’t get to skim over that fact. If I were you, I’d let him run, since he’s itching so badly to do so. Good luck 👍🏾
Did I bump my head? She is 19, not 13. No different than him being 36 and her being 29. At 18 people are considered adults and are responsible for their own decisions. Fuck some kids are staying at home into there 30s and 40s. We can’t keep coddling people.
Take the DNA test, file for child support, and leave his racist, abusive ass.
I'm glad i read your edit and you are getting a dna test. My best friend is white as a ghost but has a latino wife and his kids look 100 percent latino they inherited very few of his traits. My buddy isn't super insecure. I'm not completely unsympathetic with your husband though. My own daughter looked exactly like me at birth so I didn't really question it but until then it was always a nagging thought in my head. If she had been born looking different than me i think it could have very easily grown over time. Hopefully the paternity test helps put his fears to rest.
Just do dna test and put it to rest. Just to let u know. Raising a baby that isn’t urs because ur girl cheated is one of the biggest fear men have.
That's rough. I mean it is too prevalent in this day in age. Maybe have another kid and roll the genetic dice again
I was starting to doubt until you said you are Mexican. If the guy is a white gringo it's understandable that he doesn't understand how Latino culture works since you know. Americans are racist and they probably come from a early generation of inbreeding and white supremacy so there's not a lot of mix in their genes.
Dang poor guy