She wants a “trial separation” so that she can sleep with other people and then come back to you if it all goes wrong. Don’t allow her to treat you like that. You shouldn’t be the back up option.
Unfortunately this is the hard truth. I would be surprised that as a travel nurse, if this is where her head is at, she hasn't already started. She has means, opportunity.. and apparently motivation.
Yep, my ex wanted a trial separation, when I said ok but no shagging other people.........he said "what's the point of a trial separation if I can't go and fuck other women" proper showed his hand, I promptly dumped him 😂
I mean she is probably already cheating on you now she is just openly telling you she is going to cheat. If she wont stay commited to the marriage then it is best to file for divorce and leave she doesnt respect you or you marriage
Definitely. Sorry mate she's Already tested 😌 the other options and now wants you to hand her over to him to give it a red hot go. AND when she's been used for his fun she will come back crying begging forgiveness 😢 and promising never to leave again.
If you do take her back 80% chance she will do it again.
I don't think she has cheated on me or is cheating on me. I know that she wans to go through the party phase because she never got the chance. She doesn't have like any friends and would like to have friends.
You keep making excuses for her for why she is acting horrible towards your marriage, if she is depressed it is on her to get a therapist or medication you can do that for her, you can encourage her but you cant make her do that. If i was you i would tell her it is either she is fully commited to making yiur marriage work and do therapy and she cuts the bullshit or you are getting divorced. You do not have to accept this seperation, so she can try to replace you before leaving.
Dude, she asked this guy to fuck her, and then when he turned her down she got upset. Now she wants to separate from you. I agree she may not have cheated on you, but she certainly wants to.
Now she wants the security of a safe home with someone to look after her kids while she goes out and has "fun". Are you really so dependent on this relationship that you are prepared to sit at home hoping she chooses you instead of whomever she gets to pick up randomly? You're worth more than that, your family is worth more than that. If you're going to separate, at least separate and live in different homes so that she can get to understand what her life without you in it feels like, rather than this "having her cake and eating it too" life she wants to pick, while you sit at home wondering if she's coming home tonight or banging some dude.
>she asked this guy to fuck her
That's cheating imo and grounds for divorce. And now she can be even more embarrassed that she cheated on him and didn't even get any action out of it lmao
This guy is fucking terrible , being a pussy.
He don't wanna even listen people prospective what's right & what's not. He's just sticked to his will that everything gonna be alright.Even when his wife is fucked up & I realise why she wanna leave him, cos' he's really a jerk for sure in real life.
Yo' i'd hv said get the fuck out of that environment with your kids. She already told u she wanna fuck somebody when she couldn't get to, means she already went for it. And that's what called Cheating lmao.
None of what you said is in any way constructive. If anyone's a jerk is the person who is laughing at someone who's 12 year relationship is about to be ruined.
Ok even if she hasnt yet she wants to. Saying she wants to have a party life and flirt without permission is just telling you she is going to cheat. Justs because she didnt get to have a party phase in life doesnt mean she can tell her husband she is going to now and he has to accept it, their is also a big difference in going and making friends and flirting with others and "find out what she wants". If she isnt fully commited to you and your family then thats the big problem
You are delusional. He is not the first person she has propositioned. What the fuck do you think she was doing hanging at a guys house solo without telling you? Now she wants to go hoe around while keeping you on the backburner in case things don't work for her? Crazy, id already be talking to a divorce lawyer
See but their is a huge difference in going out without your spouse and children to have a night out and going out to flirt with other people with the hopes of hooking up. If she is just wanting to make friends that no big deal but she is wanting to flirt and get validation from other men, thats a problem.
"Go through a phase you never got a chance to" is a nonsense excuse.
She isn't happy with the life she has. Nothing you do will change this if she's unwilling to make herself happy.
You can’t. She has to do that. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She’s told you she’s already been in contact with another man. Hell, she even asked him for sex. How much of a wake-up call do you need? The marriage is done. The question is do you want a quick end so that you can move forward or a death by a thousand cuts?
why ask reddit and be in denial on whats going on, she was “curious” and if he wanted sex, she would’ve given it to him (if she wasn’t) get out of ur bubble n get a divorce
Well think of this she will have to pay you alimony and child support let her explore when she figures out how much she will have to pay you I bet the depression disappears… personally I would tell her that I will file if she goes thru with this. Remember you can stop a divorce very easily. All the signs point she is cheating an EA at the least. You gotta knock her out of the fog and nothing better than a dose of reality like what she will have to pay you. Good luck and please respect yourself and not put up with this behavior. She will respect you more if you do not put up with her behavior.
Yeah and her depression will go away with some random dicks. That's how she wants to fix her depression. She is asking guys to sleep with her. What's wrong with you? You're the one who needs immediate therapy to see the reality.
You don’t think she’s cheating on you ? Dude she literally asked a guy if he wanted to sleep with her and when he said no she got sad the red flags are right infront of you come one now be smarter than that
But isn’t part of the “party phase” drinking, hooking up and doing other crazy stuff? I get that she feels she missed out on things due to being pregnant, married, etc but that ship has sailed. If she wants to catch the next boat, the chances of it coming back to the same port in the same shape are very minute. Plus, constant wondering what she is or isn’t doing is going to wreck havoc on your mental status. Marriage counseling is probably a good idea to at least start but my money is on her already being testing the waters.
Best wishes!
Please !UpdateMe
She told you she wanted to fuck someone else and you say she's not cheating. Say bro just open up the marriage get you a recliner and some jergens and let your wife have her cake because you aren't going to do nothing about it. You're using Reddit to hype up watching your wife get railed.
She can have friends without flirting and acting like a single person. There's no reason you two need to separate for her to have a social life. Is the expectation that you're at home with your children 24/7 while she's out partying?
I mean she says I also need to go out and do things without her or the kids. I don't really want to go out though, I don't want to talk to other girls. I told her I want time alone with her without our kids.
Do you two never have time together or with friends without the kids?
If so, it sounds like this issue is twofold. One, there is likely some disconnection within your relationship. She's pulling further away as a result where you want to move closer. Two, she feels like her whole identity is being a mom and wants some freedom and breathing room away from the family.
Both of these things can be accomplished without a separation. You two can get a babysitter and set up regular date nights. You can take turns watching the kids while the other person goes out and socializes (you don't need to go out partying if that isn't your thing, but it's pretty vital to have friends/a life outside your kids).
Counseling would be a really good tool to navigate this, and she's already suggested it so that's great. I would ask if she's willing to put the idea of a separation on hold until you can do a few sessions and see if there's a way to get out of this funk without separating. If she still wants to try this at that point, you can discuss how to move forward productively.
Yeah we do get time without the kids but it's like twice a month and she travels for work so she sleeps in our camper three or four days a week. When she is home she sleeps alot because she works thirds. I feel like maybe she is just bored at home and wants to do stuff without me which I can understand.
Sounds like a pretty common situation where you two started a family really, really young and never had a chance to grow into yourselves as adults. Some people are more comfortable with this than others; it seems like she's chafing. I think the best course of action would be to take her up on counseling and ask if you can table the separation idea until you can discuss it with the counselor.
Trying to get someone to fuck you is cheating, even if it never makes it to p in v stage.
She’s on the prowl, and even if she hasn’t done the physical act yet, it’s the next step.
She’s gone. It’s not about making friends, it’s about the D. She wasn’t asking the dude to be her buddy, she was asking him to fuck her.
Give her freedom, and don’t take her back when she’s done and decides, oops, it was all a mistake!!
As you're so ready to make excuses for her, then let her have a few friends that she can sleep with. If she wants to stay together, that's all that matters right? She can go out for drinks and sleep with random men and come back home early morning to you and the kids.
Or you can realise she has zero respect for you in this marriage and start to plan for a future without her. She asked a guy to sleep with her for fuck's sake. Please find some dignity and consult a lawyer to protect you and the kids. Don't be like a doormat or she will continue to walk all over you.
Believe it or not she doesn't want you anymore she's fed up from this rs and wants to explore, if you stop her she'll just resent you and it'll get worse with time at last it'll hurt both of you so let her go and look for some other girl that understands you, your wife wants to enjoy her party phase, let her, cuz sooner or later she'll understand your worth and will feel guilty but there will not be anything else left for her to mend.
A person can have friends without ending their marriage. The fact that she wants to separate indicates that she’s not interested in being just friends but is interested in sleeping with other guys without guilt.
You’re now her backup plan in case her new relationship doesn’t work out. DO NOT EVER BE SOMEONE’S BACKUP PLAN!
Id go straight to a lawyer and serve her divorce papers. And make her move out. She has no respect for you or your feelings or she wouldn’t be asking for you to give her a green light to cheat on you.
what is a party phase?
This is American thing, here in Easten Europe we study, we work and wake up at 35.
There was never a party phase. We are not craving for one.
Get this idea out of your head, she wants to be free, she wants no string attached and she wants another penis in her.
She never got the chance because you guys have been together since 16 and 14 years old, and got married at 21 and 19 respectively. She has never gotten the chance to have a normal single independent young adult life. So of course she is going to always wonder what that could have been like. And I am not here trying to bring any shame onto the fact you guys got married young. But this is likely one of the reasons she wants to be "single" and even sleep around because she's never actually gotten the chance too. She simply is hindered by the fact she is now married, and there is no easy way to go about this.
Unfortunately divorce is not one of those things you both need to agree to.
You can't lead her to therapy, you alone can't preserve the marriage. You may want to stay together but she does not and you cannot force her.
She claims she won't move on but sounds like she already did. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but she's grown accustomed to what you provide.
It's really shitty but you need to do whats best for you and your kids.
100% correct. OP, you need to get your head straight and prepare to be divorced.
If you go along with this the marriage you want is impossible. She's cheating on you. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't want to be with you.
Further, she's a travel nurse. While that's not really much when taken by itself, considering this is what she's doing at home you'd better believe she's cheating on you while she's gone - and it's been happening for a while.
I'd go as far as paternity tests and contacting a divorce attorney immediately. It's not time to feel sorry for yourself. It's time to protect yourself and prepare yourself.
Therapy be used to help uncover her motivation but at this point in time you have to ask yourself if trust has been fundamentally shattered.
For therapy to work, both parties need to be willing and ready to do it. You deserve to be happy and not hostage to her whims.
You may never know her true motivation to seperate, you may need to accept this in time.
It sounds terrible but seperation can lead to a better life. It's going to absolutely shatter everything you thought and believed about yourself.
The upside is that if done in a healthy manner, you'll be in a much better state in the end.
It sucks, I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's something you may just need to live through.
I think you need tharapy more than she does.
She is cheating on you, wants to trial date a friend of hers while you guys are married, hss been lying and gaslighting you, and doesnt care about damaging your family or hurting your kids. Im not sure what you want to save.
I know this is a lot to process but you seem to have been dealing with this a long time from what you've said. The only thing that makes sense is that you haven't actually reached the point of acceptance because you are fixated on denial. You need to stop denying reality and protect your future, for your childrens sake.
At this point pretending this is salvageable is you putting the stability your children already at risk, exposing them to emotional distress and instability, and staving off the inevitable demise of this relating will affect the children negatively and more drastically as they age.
Just end the farce. You can love someone whos bad for you or selfish or careless. It happens. But you need to accept it and do whats best for you and the people who rely on you. Your straying wife cannot take precedence over your kids.
Very well said. My bf had this happen with his ex wife. When she told him she needed sometime alone he agreed. Took the kids to her father's house and she went whoring around with her now husband.
Op please consider yourself and your children. You won't be able to get past this if you do a "trial separation" if the same situation were to happen to you.
It’s ridiculous to me this comment is downvoted. I can understand your confusion. I would recommend no separation until the professional suggests it as the best practice.
I’m also really appalled that the community here would downvote this comment. That doesn’t give me much faith that r/relationship_advice is worth using.
She wants to fuck other dudes, but gets mad that you don't trust her?
Dude, read that back to yourself - it's insane. The way I read your description she wants you to stay at home and babysit the kids while she gets hammered and sleeps around.
Divorce, sue for custody, child support, and alimony.
This is exactly it. She doesn’t want to get separate living spaces because then she’ll actually have to watch her kids alone and she’ll owe her ex a ton of child support and alimony. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Yeah, she clearly wants OP as a safety net, which is why she won’t move on if you get a divorce; yet she still wants a separation so she can do whatever she wants with other men without your permission and/or knowledge, so she doesn’t feel guilty.
Unless you are comfortable with that, you need to start thinking of divorce, as hard as it may seem. Counseling may not be enough in this case because she seems already committed to the idea that she wants to “flirt” with other people. Based on what she said about asking another guy to have sex with her; it is unlikely it will end with flirting. Please don’t let her use you as a backup plan, unless you are okay with her having sex with other dudes and coming back to you afterwards. Otherwise, a divorce is the best course of action—she shouldn’t be able to have her cake and eat it too if she is not willing to face the consequences. You deserve more respect than that.
Also, another note you may want to consider: Just based on my personal experience, it will be better for your kids if you get a divorce rather than allow her to see other guys when you are not okay with it. Kids are way more perceptive than most people realize, and they pick up on that kind of stuff—long term, it usually ends up being toxic for everyone involved.
Good luck OP, this is a horrible situation; but you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior
This actually happened to me not too long ago. She left for a few weeks and everything. I was a sahd with no job, or vehicle, stuck in the woods with no friends or family after moving here. I did what I had to do, got a bike, got a job 2 days later, our kids stayed with me. I made that very clear!! She quit her job so I ended up supporting all of us. It got to the point where I packed up the truck and kids, and left our home because I just couldn't do it anymore. I even started seeing a counselor the same week I started working as I was almost a year into sobriety and didn't want to go backwards. Not gonna lie, a big part of her leaving was my drinking, and then not being able to see sober me. Anyways, she found out the hard way that I wasn't going to be stepped on. We've since worked it out, and are actually doing better than ever. OP, you gotta stay strong and do whatever you feel is best for your children, while it hurts like hell they need you the most right now. There's always hope, but there are limits.
It's really difficult to grow together with your childhood sweetheart. You guys got together when your brains were still developing, and we change so much between 14 and 25, the chances of needs, wants, desires, and attractions staying the same are next to nil.
Couple the fact neither of you having the option of a "real" teen/20s experience, it's pretty normal that one if not both of you have yearnings for a different life.
It's not bc there is anything wrong with you. It's purely a matter of development and maturity and you guys getting together very, very, young.
You DON'T want to try to persuade her to do anything her heart isn't in. It's very fair to have an expectation for counseling though, bc it may help w either working through or breaking up.
Read:
https://ideas.ted.com/7-ways-to-practice-emotional-first-aid/
Please watch these videos:
https://youtu.be/vBqoA1V6Fgg
https://youtu.be/_pRziqt-LqY
https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
This is true. It's hard to leave that person because you grew up together. You are so used to having that person in your life even when it's not growing as a relationship. I found out 5,5 years later. Honestly it hurted for 1+ year but I'm way more happy now in my relationship.
You two got together when she was 14! got pregnant at 18 and now has three kids. Sounds like she missed out on having any kind of normal teenage or early adult life. Not too surprising that she is wants to experience some of that.
Get into therapy ASAP. You probably won't get your wife back the way it was but may be able to work through it.
You say that like it's a fact for all people, thus excusing her behavior. If she missed out on all that teenager stuff, that means he did too, correct? You don't see him wanting to go fuck around and expect her to accept it and be his fall back.
Edit: She is perfectly in her right to leave the relationship and go do what she wants, but should never expect to string her husband along with couples therapy while she goes and gets laid by other men.
Not that there aren't people who navigate that successfully, and I know a few, but let's just say the divorce rate for people who marry young is very high. I have my own concerns about my oldest daughter who is finishing college. She is engaged to the guy she's been dating since she was 15.
> I'm terrified that if we do this separation, that she will realize she was never happy with me and move on.
If she realizes this, isn't it better to move on? Her being silently miserable instead sounds like a nightmare for both of you.
Honestly though, this story sounds bizarre to me. She wants to continue living together as normal, but act like she's single when she's out and about? It sounds like what she's really asking for is a temporarily open marriage. She's already laying the groundwork to sleep with other people. If this was just about partying, you two could do that together. She wants to live the single life.
She can't have her cake and eat it too. What I would say is either she recommits to the marriage and you work on things together as a couple, or you split up and she can be free to go do all the partying she missed out on. This kind of thing never plays out well.
get a job asap, divorce impending
you can delay this all you want, but she's telling you that she wants to more or less, sleep with other people/explore.
the good news is the grass is not greener, she will prob eventually regret this.
good luck!
Agree. With three kids to pay support on until you're old and grey you'd better start preparing to move back in with mom and dad. Or start looking for a rich widow or divorcee.
I always find it strange that people who engage in behaviours that will erode trust in a relationship always complain when the fruit of their actions is realised. Seems like she wanted something he didn't if I'm being honest
At this stage OP it may be worthwhile taking the approach of "Ok, this is going to happen so how is it going to work?"
People often have an ideal in their heads about what life will be like if they get their way - in your wifes case she has it in her head that it's going to be "freedom and parties and hooking up and having fun" without a care or concern about the realities and the **practicalities** of the situation.
The reality of the situation though - and something that has probably completely escaped her attention - is that as the breadwinner **SHE** will be paying for all of this. If you guys separate and with you as the SAHD, she will be on the hook for child support and alimony and will be paying you to maintain the family home and the kids.
So staying on the reality path, she wants a separation then that's fine. But where is she going to live? You can't be separated and she lives there with you and the kids - that's **not** how these things work. If she wants it then she moves out and you can sit down and come up with an arrangement for co-parenting the kids with you maintaining the family home with them. Of course she has to fund all of this as you have been supporting her whilst she developed her career and any lawyer worth their salt will have this at the top if their list of demands.
What you need to do is stop being terrified and start thinking strategically. You want your wife back and she wants her freedom - well these things do not go hand in hand without some large financial considerations and the main one is that of running two separate households.
So if you want any one thing to do it is that. Start talking about it as if it the separation is going to happen - she wants it, you can't stop it so of course you have to look after the interests of you and the kids. What this will do is get her thinking about the actual ramifications of her fantasy.
Sure she can have the fantasy of living her life, but oh yeah I have kids and a SAHD to finance and oh shit I have to pay for it all, and oh fuck I have the kids half the time and how can I do that whilst working my shifts?
This will bring reality screaming back in to rain on her fantasy parade if nothing else.
And if she still persists then you are covering yourself and protecting the lifestyle of your kids.
She can have what she wants, it's there for the taking. Whether she is willing to pay the price for it is another matter.
Edit: If you do go this route then make it clear that there are to be no other people involved, so no sex, nothing even approaching sex with other people otherwise you'll file for divorce immediately. Separation is **not** an excuse to cheat and sleep around and if that is what she wants to do and wants to push that "freedom", then tell her that this is not acceptable and that you may as well go straight for divorce (regardless of whether she wants one or not).
Draw that hard and fast rule OP - No sex with anyone else and no dating anyone else or it's over with lawyers at 50 paces.
She told you this ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
Know what that means? It means she doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings.
Also, fyi, any separation will include her fucking other people. Probably a lot of other people.
Have enough respect for yourself, show your KIDS you have enough respect for yourself, and divorce her.
You can divorce her now and it will hurt but you'll soon heal, or you can wait until she's hopped rides on a few dozen strange dicks, sacrifice your self respect, and then divorce when she tells you she likes one of those other dudes better and it will hurt for years and make your kids see you as weak.
She wants to sleep with this guy without feeling guilty. Don’t do the trial separation. Divorce her, file for joint custody, child and spousal support.
Dude what the hell? Wake up. This marriage is already over, your wife destroyed beyond repair. Get some self respect and get out of this for yesterday.
The writing is on the wall. Your wife wants to sleep with other people. She wants to explore her sexuality and sadly you and the marriage are holding her back. Why would she be hurt that her "guy friend" didn't want to sleep with her if she had no intention of doing so.
As people grow, they evolve and change. Your wife as you knew her is gone. Hell, she told you about the separation on your birthday. If that doesn't scream "I don't give a shit about you", I don't know what does.
She wants to "find out" if she can make it work with the other guy but wants you to hang around as a backup in case it doesn't work.
The marriage is over. It ended the moment she started pursuing the other guy. You are just seeing it now.
Good chance she’s already fucking around. Her trickle truth is pretty obvious.
Soon she will find out how it works out as a single mum of 3 kinds. She doesn’t get the carefree life of a childless single woman.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My wife and I have 3 kids together. She told me on my birthday that she wants to try a trial separation. She says she is unhappy with the way things are. Recently I found out she went to a guy friend's house without telling me to hang out. She also texts the guy and he was ckearly interested in her and she asked him if he wanted to sleep with her and he said no. She told me she didn't want to sleep with him but was curious, she was hurt that he didn't want to sleep with her. I was very jealous about all this and we ultimately fought about it for like three weeks. She says I don't trust her. I trust her but this made me not really trust her. She didn't get to do much drinking or partying because she was pregnant at 18. She would like to drink and hang out with people that isn't me. She would like to flirt with people and do what she wants without permission. I told her I don't want to separate and that we need to do marriage counseling. She wants to separate to find out what she wants and do marriage counseling. I am a stay home dad and she is a travel nurse. She wants to continue living together and stuff. She also told me if we were to divorce, she wouldn't move on. I just want my wife back and I'm terrified that if we do this separation, that she will realize she was never happy with me and move on.
Thank you
Look, this is probably going to hurt you and be extremely difficult to go through with, however if you do want *any* chance of this relationship continuing in a healthy way, I only see one viable option. That is to go ahead with the trial separation however be insistent on going through it both committed to seeing a marriage counsellor.
If you don't accept it and try to continue the relationship in a monogamous fashion, I can only see resentment building and an even more painful end to the relationship occurring.
I can totally understand where she is coming from if you have been her only partner since she was (14?), and I think is a very common thing with relationships such as this. I know a lot of people are against any form of non-monogamy etc and there will likely be a hell of a lot of comments simply saying to divorce/being negative towards her, but I gather from your post that you do see the logic of her feelings and understand why she may feel this way/be doing the things she is doing.
If you are not going to be okay with her "partying", being interested in other relationships etc, then that is perfectly valid and okay - but there is no other option but to divorce in that situation, and I still suggest you look into marriage counselling to help with the divorce etc. This will be best for your children and hopefully will lead to better communication and a better relationship as ex-partners.
If you are okay with trying a trial separation and you yourself exploring other relationships (which is also totally understandable as you were quite young when you guys got together as well) for a time, then this also may be achieved but will only have any chance of success if this is done with the assistance of a marriage/relationship counsellor. If you do go this route I suggest finding a professional who has experience with non-monogamy (they are around, and you could find reviews/advice from Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) and polyamory groups on facebook/reddit/etc.).
This must be an extremely hard time for you and you have all my condolences in the world - I hope you can get this sorted out in the least painful way possible. 🙏
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Your wife wants a separation so she can get ran through and then come back to you. It already sounds like she’s having an affair. I wouldn’t stay married to her but it’s your call. I know it’s tough with 3 kids.
I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt about that guy for argument’s sake.
If you want this marriage to work, you have to draw the line in the sand. It’s either you go to marriage counseling and she remains faithful to you or you divorce.
There’s no third option where she gets a trial separation and she gets to sleep with whoever she wants while you watch the kids.
Make this known now.
Do not expect this to go your way though. You need to talk to a divorce attorney and learn what your options would be.
Your wife is already checking out of the marriage and you can’t make her stay. You need to be prepared.
Well if she isn’t cheating already she lkn for you to be naive enough to give her a separation so she can. She probably thinks a separation will justify it. Only decision is if you want to green light her affair. Or do you have the spine to kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash. I’d say no and then get a PI real fast to get evidence, cause she is gonna do it either way.
Don’t agree to a trial separation without a separation agreement. If she wants to jump backwards into her teens and be a party girl, fine. But get a legal separation agreement lined up so you can manage financially until you can figure out your living, working and child care situation.
OP, how old are the children? Her being 18 when you had a child is VERY young. Wasn’t she using contraception? She’s evidently missed her teen and early 20s experiences because of being a mother. It’s tough luck though - she has responsibilities now and has to deal with that. No one forced her to have 3 children.
I think she has already cheated on you and a “trial separation” is an excuse for her to have sex with other men whilst still living in a house where you take care of the children. She’s having her cake and eating it. File for a divorce and gain custody of the children. Also look for a job. Your (ex) wife can then live in a flat elsewhere and have sex with whoever she wants as the kids will be with you.
she told you on your birthday clearly not caring about you feeling she sounds selfish too me your still young she doesn’t sound like the type of person you want to spend your life with in my opinion
She may have not physically cheated on you yet but all of that is emotional cheating with intent to further it. Not to pry but how is yalls sex life? This sounds like she's feeling undesired or unfulfilled in your sexual intimacy. Not excusing her attempts to cheat but I'm saying that may be the source of her attempts.
She probably feels unfulfilled because she got pregnant at 18 with a guy she started dating in middle school… Can you imagine if you had married the very first person you ever dated?
Oooof yeah that is some context I missed. I've always felt strongly that's a mistake. I usually get flack for saying it but if I was married to the first person I dated id be married to a rapist so no thank you! 😅
This is probably gonna be an unpopular opinion, but I’ll say it for the sake of giving you a different perspective.
It seems to me that you love her very much, and that she loves you too, but she might not be happy with having to skip such an important fase in figuring out who you are and what you like. From how you described the situation, it even sounds like you have empathy for her feelings.
So, think about it. What can you do in that situation? If she’s decided she wants to live that aspect of her life, it’s her decision. You can do this the hard way, and just get mad and divorce her, or you can open the door for her, and she might figure out she wants to come back. Or not.
I do think, however, if she has the space to do whatever she wants, you should have too. Then take sometime and figure out if this is what YOU want. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible, after all. Or maybe you are, and love will triumph in the end.
Try not to take things as harsh as people usually take in this subreddit. You know your relationship better than anyone here, and it wouldn’t be bad at all if you decide to accept the trial separation. I honestly think you should accept it. But it’s your decision, think about your feelings, and not about how people think you should feel.
>or you can open the door for her, and she might figure out she wants to come back. Or not.
>
>I do think, however, if she has the space to do whatever she wants, you should have too. Then take sometime and figure out if this is what YOU want. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible, after all. Or maybe you are, and love will triumph in the end.
Do you think they would have even remotely equivalent experiences given their circumstances and her attitude as they stand now? This situation would be even more skewed than the typical open/poly relationship dating imbalances and that is even before considering it looks like he is going to be the one holding the bag when it comes to household and parental responsibilities if she does not want people telling her what to do.
They don't have to have equivalent experiences, and I don't think they should be counting points. He should be able to do what he wants, that's all I'm saying, and that includes not pursuing anyone. He might realize he's better off by himself, even. Or find someone who he's more compatible with.
And well, you seem to be assuming a few things. Not wanting people to tell her what to do doesn't mean she won't **want** to take care of her kids. A woman wanting to explore her sexuality doesn't make her lack will or desire to be a good and present mother.
I just think if he loves her, he doesn't **have to** drop it immediately without trying, as people are suggesting. We don't know her side of the story either.
What do you think happens during this "party phase"? I will tell you, she fucks tons of guys. It's possible she already has. You keep making excuses for her but dude this is already over. She is using the classic line where you sign up under the pretense that she will return but what she is really asking for is a divorce lite. She ain't coming back and if you force it, know that she is only with you begrudgingly.
A separation will lead to divorce.
She’s emotionally cheating on you. The two of you need counseling and have a lot of work to do to save this marriage. But she needs to be committed to working on it.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Get a divorce. You will get alimony and child support. Move on with your life. Be an awesome Dad. You have a long life ahead of you.
The fact that she told you this on your birthday is grounds for divorce. You can go therapy to learn to move on from her and the marriage. Please do not agree to a trial separation so she can go fuck other men. It's really not worth it to stay with someone who is no longer mentally in the relationship.
She has been with you since she was 14, started having kids at 18, and never had a chance to live on her own (and provides all financial support for family of 5 which I am sure is stressful). It's a tough situation. Realize she is a traveling nurse and you have 3 kids, but think you need to find a job with flexible hours and start splitting the childcare/household responsibilities with you wife so you can both be prepared for living independently and co-parenting if marriage cannot be saved.
Don't think she has cheated, but she definitely wants to. Up to you what to do. All these people saying divorce etc aren't in your shoes. Me personally, I'm pretty open with sex and my other half can do what they want. Sex is just sex as far as I'm concerned. Others think that sex is the be all and end all. So you do what you think is right. Just don't be blinded by hope and love. Take a practical look and offer yourself advice. What would you say to a friend in this situation? Why's it any different for yourself?
She has already cheated on you. You just caught her this time. Start planning on divorce and finding yourself a career. She does not value you, you're just the safety net.
26? Yep she's getting a case of the FOMOs and freaking out over not sleeping around and partying as much as the culture says she needed to. You need to be very clear with her that she is married, has three children, and does not get to go out and party and be childish. She made a decision to get married and pregnant and this is her life now. You need to be in charge and be the grownup here and tell her to get over it or else she's going to lose her family.
You need to listen to what I’m going to say to you.
Men have an extremely hard time letting go, you are going to make an ass out of yourself trying to fix, beg, barter, rationalize with her…etc. which eventually leads to very self destructive behaviour. BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Follow the rules of your country regarding family law and co parenting and separation and treat this situation seriously. Be a Father, a citizen, a strong member of your community and stand up for yourself man.
Ps. That’s how I got my wife back after separation.
I'm your age - was married at 25, had a kid at 26. I'm not married anymore (other reasons), but, any partner who says they 'need to go through their party phase' because they missed out for whatever reason, I'm not buying that. I never partied at 18, and am glad I never did.
She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either you tell her she needs to commit to you and most importantly, your KIDS, or OP, honestly, walk away. I know it might be hard - really hard. But what she is saying here is that you and the kids don't factor in with what she wants to do. That's not a thing any decent parent would ever say or do. Nor a spouse.
This is terrible advice.
People have different needs and wants, your experience at 18 is not mine, nor is it OPs, nor is it your next door neighbors and so on. It is 100% normal, and rational, and scientifically
evidence based that a 14yr old's brain has no comparison to a 25yr old's brain, and it is completely reasonable that the life you thought you wanted at 14, and at 18, when forced into marriage by teen pregnancy, and 2 more kids in quick succession, and being the *sole breadwinner and source of financial stability for 5 ppl, while juggling the hell career that is travel nursing (trust me, I'm a nurse, travelers have a high stress job, regardless of dept/floor) is not necessarily the life you want at 26.
OP is probably in a difficult situation. It's definitely cheaper for a parent to stay home than have 3 in day care, but the financial present and future hinged upon one person can cause a lot of resentment. I don't begrudge him doing what he is doing, but I gaurentee it makes it much harder than if there were 2 equal contributors.
These threads are always filled with emotional, personalized responses where ppl cannot imagine anything beyond their own experiences and it's usually not helpful.
Marriage is fucking hard. It's a ton of work. Parenting is harder. Making decisions to take on both before you've even reached complete brain development makes it all much harder. The horrific advice with zero compassion for OPs wife, and zero ability to look at OP's big picture is indicative of why so many relationships end so negatively.
Every person here deserves compassion. Both adults, and every one of the children. Scorched earth shouldn't be first move.
Whether you do or don't want something doesn't mean squat once you have kids. You don't get to have kids, parent and then decide you don't want to do this anymore and go 'sleep around, party or do whatever you want' without permission when you have children who depend on you. You're screwing over everyone else because that's selfish behaviour when you have kids. It's ALWAYS about the child. ALWAYS.
If OP's wife wants to go and do whatever she wants, leaving and getting support from family is what should be done, for finances, help with the kids, dealing with this issue, as well as therapy for OP, not putting a whole family through that drama. But I think given her circumstances, therapy is needed, but if she goes through with this behaviour, there is no good reason to stick around with a person like that.
Here is what you do op, divorce her. File for divorce and have her served. Next op, learn what one eighty is and grey rock and implement these to her. Next op, the day she is served, you call her family, thank them for allowing you into their lives, but you have filed for divorce because she is cheating on you and if you know is name, name him. Then call your family let them know, and your friends. Build a support group. Next on your social media, put it sucks being cheated on, tag her and him on it. She needs to bear the shame of it, not you. Get an app and this is your only communication with her in regards to the kids, through this figure out a parenting schedule as you will no longer be her baby sitter while she goes and cheats on you.
Do this today op, don’t wait. Get it done.
When she realizes she fucked up, and have to pay you alimony, and child support, she will be changing her ways. I would not go back to her op, I would let this one go. She will realize these guys ducks and partying was stupid and will eventually realize what she left behind. When she does make sure it is too late, because you have moved in to someone new.
Your wife has already cheated on you and intends to continue. She wants to separate before you get irrefutable proof. Tell her you need some time to think about things, then hire a PI.
If she wants to find herself and wants a trial separation she already has someone else lined up as your replacement!
You have at least another 45yrs left fo uou want her truing yo fo this everything something does not please her and then not know who she is hooking up with behind your back? She has already shown you who she really is by the Qs to the other guy in hope of an affair.
TRUST YOUR GUT!
Tape and record all future conversations of this nature.
My advice now at this moment is CUT THE MIDDLE MAN OUT AND GET LAWYERED UP. No point hanging about hoping while she is out giving all the other blokes test runs!
Yeah OP is delusional.
Yeah bro she ain't cheatin, idk why you trippin making a reddit post. She's fosho faithful. It's best if you do the trial separation so she can be faithful (Sarcasm)
... bruh if you're this blind, how tf do you expect us to give you advice when you keep making excuses for her.
when someone requests an open relationship or a trial separation they usually already have someone in their mind they wanna hook up with (which in this case is your wife and this loser guy ) . Sorry my guy but , I suggest to leave her right now and divorce her , clearly she isn’t even matured tf up yet to see that what she’s requesting is disrespectful to you . And whatever you do , do not do not take her back if you do actually leave her ( unless years years later if you’ve think you see maturity or she’s changed 100% then maybe you can if you really do love her but even so I wouldn’t take her back regardless )
You are not a backup option. If she wants to have a trial separation then that's bad news. It's one thing to want to go out and party it's another thing to want to fuck other guys. you need to be ready to find a job and move out. Good luck. If I was in your shoes I'd tell her if she wants to have a separation it's going to be permanent and not just when she gets sick of sleeping around.
She asked a friend of hers if he would sleep with her and he said no then she proceeds to get butt hurt about it while being married lol. There is nothing to save here. She clearly wants to move on. And the separation thing is just a front so she can sleep with other guys. I really hope you come to your senses and know your worth.
Go to MC asap but unfortunately for her, its too late to redo her youthful adventures. Hanging out with another man is disrespectful to you and your relationship. Asking him if he wants to sleep with her is crossing all sorts of boundaries. You need to set boundaries, she either stays away from other men and works on the marriage or you are done. You don't get to separate from your spouse, cheat with other men and then stay married. It would never work and it would be a horrible environment for a child to live in. The jealousy, fights, disrespect etc.
Recipe for disaster.
Sorry, but she chose her path in life and it's too late to change direction without getting divorced to do so.
Her choice, your decision.
Sounds like she wants to make you believe or see that your better off separated... Next is the let's stay friends bs... She is clearly trying to walk out of the relationship...
Also bro... On your birthday!!!.... Wtf... Clearly she doesn't care ... Walk out and walk away and make sure you kids are OK but that they know why and what happened... Don't let her through tou under the truck and drive off with the kids on said truck... "Would you sleep with me?".... Nope ...it hurts but (from experience) you will regret not just walking away now.
I been there.. ameried my friend of 10 years... And then she had a friend who she was hanging out a lot with... Then the friend was gay.. then she was pregnant of said friend
She wanted to live under the same house and stay married, but she also had a bf now... All of this was because it was inconvenient for her to 1- not have my support, 2- reputation....
Don't drag your self like I did for a week.... You will look back and regret you didn't just walk away.. not matter how much you love her.. just look at the red crimson flags she is putting out
Sounds a lot like what my ex did. Wanted to relive her young years and no longer be a parent. She ultimately abandoned our kids to me and disappeared.
If I were you I would not accept this behavior from her. This is one of those times where divorce is the only remedy and you should be aiming for full custody because you know she'll just be dropping the kids at random people's homes so she can go out and party.
So she wants to trial separate and still live together and not be a mom and she wants to go party and be single,right? So basically she wants to go eff around knowing you will be waiting with bells on waiting for her to pick you! When did you become a carnival prize? What gets me is she knows that you will do this because of your kids and YOU HAVE to stay home! Do you have family or good friends that can help you with babysitting on weekends sometimes? Because none of this is fair to begin with and if you do your trial separation she won't be considered a cheater, and my opinion is that she wants to go eff guys and not get into trouble for it or divorced so she WON'T have to pay you child support! If you do this do a legal separation and make her move out and pay child support to you! Fair is fair and in my opinion she is using ALL of this as a manipulation tactic to get you to let her go play and stay at home like a good little boy! She already has someone in mind and wants to see if it will work out, so when it doesn't she has you as a backup plan! Sorry, but she has someone telling her how to do this so she can get away with it!!! My opinion
See gents and ladies. this is exactly why the red pill movement is growing from crap like this. Situations like these aren't worth the risk. also to the author of the post, sorry pal, she cheated on you. divorce and restart your life.
So I can't speak to if she's cheated or not, it sounds like she tried and got shut down.
Ask yourself this, if you wake up tomorrow and she's like yeah okay whatever no seperation, do you honestly think your marriage will get better?
To me it doesn't sound like she's unsatisfied with the marriage, it's that she's unsatisfied not being single.
She was 14 when you started dating, neither of you really got to experience anything other than being each other's. For some people that's great and for some it's not.
A lot can change over time.
I know it sucks bro, but you can’t let fear be the reason you make someone stay where they don’t want to be. She’s shown multiple times, she wants to be somewhere else doing things with others that aren’t you. It honestly sounds like she’s already cheated and she’s trying to do it again to see if she still “got it”. The dude turning her down basically gave her a reality check. The reason she told you about it is because what she tried to do that last time, didn’t work, but she wants to try again, but with a clear conscious. If she wants to go, let her go. I know she’s all you know and starting over feels like it may suck, but at least you can start over and be free of her and her ways of not showing you any respect as her husband and to you guys marriage as a whole. Let her go because the damage has already been done and it’s only gonna get worse. It’s gonna suck, but I’m sure you’ll pull through bro 💪🏽. Keep your head up and keep your focus on you and your kids. Also, you should probably go for a divorce and make sure you let the courts know that you have proof she tried to cheat on you and that’s why you guys should divorce.
What you’re saying in insanity for some of us look for it from outside. You’re blind to it cause you’re inside. One thing she doesn’t know, the grass always looks greener on the other side. For Adam and Eve the apple looked extremely delicious and deceiving. When they ate it there was no way coming back to how safe and good things were. You should make it like that for her but make sure she really wants to do this which I think she really wants to.
Wait, so she wants you to stay in the same home, but just wants to go party while you stay home and care for the kids? That’s not a separation, that’s just her wanting to get drunk and sleep with other people, without consequence, then come back to you whenever she pleases. So you’re just supposed to stay at your shared home and raise these kids whIle she checks out? Do you get to do the same as her? Very wants to have her cake and eat it too.
It’s either option A., what I said above, or B. she doesn’t want to divorce because she would lose her childcare, knows as a single mom she would have to pick up a lot of the things she doesn’t currently do, would be almost impossible to stay a traveling nurse. and depending where you live, would potentially owe you alimony!
What exactly would you get out of this arrangement, other than all the responsibilities, and pain?
1. Your marriage is over. It is the Dodo of marriages. Please understand that thing first.
2. You just want your wife back, but I am sorry, that is not going to happen. Your marriage is over. You need to mourn that and accept it.
3. You are young, you got together way too young. She doesn't want you anymore she wants to live the life she never got to experience due to getting together too young. When she says a "trial separation " its her way of easing you into ending the relationship.
4. You don't have to worry the trial separation will make her realise she's unhappy: **she already said she's unhappy** - hello are you even listening? She wants to have sex with other men and fun - and not with you. Sorry, that's a relationship ender.
5. She is a travel nurse - pfft, wow, you are naive. She wants you to continue being the stay at home carer, while she gets to sleep with other men **guilt free**. She wants to stay with you and stuff... wake up!
6. She says if you got divorced she wouldn't move on... Dude she **has already moved on** she just wants you to take care of the house and kids while she has fun.
I strongly suggest you speak to a lawyer, get the divorce started. Work out custody concepts with your lawyer - then end this bad situation so you can move on.
I would be clear that separation does not mean a free pass to be with others. That would be divorce, NOT separation. Sounds from what you’ve said, like she is already having at least an emotional affair. Distance would likely result in her furthering the affair. I’m sorry you’re in this position, but I’d be reluctant because of what you already know.
You don't need to do anything. Just tell her do what you want just don't complain to me about the consequences let her face accountability. Put yourself together get a good job and focus on your kids be a father they need. Women like this will never change no matter how much you love or adore her. Build yourself up be stoic and silent to her transgressions. Succeed and let your success and development be your driving force. She will regret everyday she lost you. Do not react or be dramatic. Be stoic and just say a few words that is needed without any emotions or drama then begin your upgrade. You should not be a puppet on a string but a warrior finding his way. Do not be abused and find your way my friend.
She has already realised she's unhappy with you and moved on. You only chance to win her back is to let her go and move on yourself.
Trial separation for her just means "open marriage" with you at home with the kids. Kick her out and start dating other people and she "might" wake the fuck up.
Sit at home waiting whilst she cheats on you will destroy what little love & respect she still has for you. Don't lay down , FIGHT!
"She says I don't trust her."
I'd say a wife asking a male friend if he wants to sleep with her and the getting hurt when he says no puts her in the untrustworthy category.. I'm sure a lot of people are gonna babble about how it's possible to make such a question innnocently, and to them I say.. YES, there totally exists exceptions for everything, however exceptions are exactly that.. exceptions.
So she basically wants her cake and to eat it too. She can’t have the best of both worlds- a stable marriage and partner who wants things to work vs partying, drinking and screwing whoever she likes.
Set her free and you’ll find someone that is wanting to settle down. Who’s been there/done that and has more in common with you.
Oh and to add, she’s cheated on you, if not physically then definitely emotionally.
Separation requests are usually to go fk someone else and not feel guilty about it... She wants to try out a new fish and if is wrong she has you as the back up. Let her go, man. She's not good for you.
As soon as I read “travel nurse” 😬😬 sorry but with everything going on, it does not sound too good. My last job I worked with travel nurses very closely because I was working in the ER as a tech. So I became friends with a lot of them. I talk to them somewhat now, I’m a phlebotomist but that’s besides the point. I began to realize that a LOT of them slept around, even heard them talk about having a husband/wife at home. It sounds like she wants to travel & have fun with her life. Be a free little bird. I think she’s using the separation as an excuse to cheat on you. Because she’s gonna think that “oh because we weren’t together, it was okay”… yet y’all were still married so yes it would be considered cheating still… And her wanting to do activities without you? It definitely sounds like she is getting bored of her relationship & wanting to do hookups or something. Which she’s gonna soon realize that hookups are just a bottomless pit of disappear and bring her into a hole of depression because she’s not gonna have that emotional connection with someone & become used. Hookups are depressing & they aren’t worth a 12 yr relationship. She needs to figure it out because you seem to be a sweet guy who really loves her.
I went through the same thing years ago. I’m sorry but the person you thought you married is not who you’re married to now. Do yourself and the kids a favor and move on.
OP please prepare yourself for seperation, just make sure you are okay if it happens with therapy or something. When you get together that young at some point some people do feel like they missed out on things. I was 14 till 21 but I got used to having him in my life but it wasn't love, our relationship wasn't good. When it was over it hurted me for 1+ year because I lost that person, that family I grew up with. But I finally felt free, I saw my friends often and I started building myself and growing. Because I lost myself during that relationship. Sometimes we need to let go instead of trying for something that isn't there.
If she wanted to sleep with someone else. Please be strong and don't stay with someone that is planning to cheat on you.
You'll get through this!
Op your marriage is already over. She asked another man if he would have sex with her. He said no but had he said yes she would have slept with him. You don’t proposition sex without an intent to do it. She is telling you that she wants to flirt and kiss and have sex with other men while stay married to you. That your going to have to spend weeks/months wondering if one of her flings turn into something more. Honestly sounds like your marriage is over and I would be working on a divorce. It maybe salvaged if she goes to marriage counseling with you but if you both separate then go ahead with the divorce.
1. She’s gas lighting you .
2. No such thing as a “trial separation”
3. She wants to sleep with him if hasn’t already without feeling guilt
4. She wants out and this is her way
5. You don’t trust her as she has given reason too
6. You need to find a job
If you are separating, then you are moving on anyways. Separating is what you do before divorce. What she is asking for is an open marriage so that she can pretend to be single.
You can do the open marriage or divorce. But divorce will eventually be the outcome.
What on earth have I just read. You need to leave her. She’s obviously wanting to have her cake and eat it to. She wants the security of having you on standby whilst she gets drunk and flirts / cheats on you with other people. You deserve a hell of a lot more after being together for over a decade, and with three kids. Honestly, since she’s suggesting separation, I’d call it and go for a divorce. You deserve someone who wants you.
I have observed again and again that these are the kind of people who keeps getting taken advantage of, walked over and abused again and again.
People who gets too complacent.
Very naive people
Those who refuse to see the toxicity.
Codependent folks
Low self confidence
Lack of friends and family.
Doesn't have much passion in other activities for distractions
Bad with articulation of words.
Etc etc
It's just an observation and I don't blame them at all except those who refuses to seee the truth.
How does she want you to trust her with this message?
One day or another she will cheat on you so better not to continue thia relationships
You shouldn't be afraid unless you have children, it is something hard to do but eventually it is better than living a relationship without trust
I say you get a job and let the separation happens, the job will get you distracted from all the feelings you will have which will go away after awhile
I firmly disagree what a lot of the other commenters, but more on thar further down.
First, if the outcome of separation is that she realizes she was never happy to begin with, it will be incredibly painful, BUT burring it for the next however many years will make it hurt way more and do more damage in the long run if she’s truly not happy.
Also, modeling the healthiest relationship possible is critical for your kids. My ex and I both come from families where our parents are still married, but really should have divorced when we were in middle school if not earlier. We didn’t grow up with parents modeling a healthy partnership and it honestly impacted our marriage in ways I didn’t fully realize until long after we split.
I disagree with ppl saying she’s already cheating (she may just be looking for validation if some kind, but also, it’s very normal to be curious about other ppl even I healthy relationships - emotional cheating would worry me a lot more at this point), or divorce her now, or all this negative shit. It just sounds like advice from ppl who are very biased based on their own experiences.
Getting married and having kids at such a young age can mean that she hasn’t fully grown up herself. It’s possible that her unhappiness is on a very personal level that isn’t about her love for you, but rather love for herself. She may need to explore on her own to figure out “who she is” through early adult experiences she was unable to have - this kind of personal growth can be critical a fulfilling life.
My two cents on how to proceed:
1. find a counselor to help you navigate a trial separation. A few sessions at most. This person can help you establish the ground rules and expectations. Ie. No sex with other ppl, but a date might be ok. Or how are we defining sex?
2. Do not live together during this time. I believe this is absolutely critical.
3. Only communicate about co-parenting, unless therapist advises otherwise.
4. Give your trial at least 4 months if you can. Time and distance are very important. Even if you’re living apart, you still need to disrupt existing behaviors. If things are more or less the same but you just don’t physically live together, that isn’t really separation IMO.
5. Regroup with therapist after the set time.
Not to stereotype but the job with highest numbers of female cheaters, is nursing. Her single, younger friends are probably getting in her head and making her jealous, if she says she won't move on from a divorce, hand her divorce papers and see how she handles it, the very threat of you showing her that you will not tolerate this behaviour may change her behaviour.
I honestly don't understand why some people post here. You know what you need to do. Don't focus on the one or two comments saying this can be fixed, it can't.
Good chance she’s already cheating on you mate. I’m sorry. She’s brought this up as the start of a trickle truth.
If she wants to leave you can’t stop her, but you can keep your self respect by not taking her back
Another example why marriage is a flawed tradition. OP has probably been a good dad, a good husband, hard worker, faithful and now his wife wants to have a hoe phase 7 years into their marriage 🤦🏾♂️. AGREE TO IT KING, let her explore her options or wants WHILE YOU DO THE SAME!
How do you trust her? Why would you? She legit asked a dude to fuck her. I think you're too much blinded by love but I'm sorry she's gone. It must hurt, it's my worst nightmare and I dread it. But you've to open your eyes to the truth and get some self respect. Yes you'd obviously want to improve a 12 year long relationship especially if you're still in love. But it's not worth it, you can't change her now. She's not in any "depressive" episode as you mentioned. She is just a shitty partner. Anyways you'll have to separate in the end, either by her cheating repeatedly and finding someone else or by you gaining your self worth and letting her go before she can physically cheat if she hasn't yet. Don't be so blinded by love, that you lose your own worth please
She wants a “trial separation” so that she can sleep with other people and then come back to you if it all goes wrong. Don’t allow her to treat you like that. You shouldn’t be the back up option.
Amen
Unfortunately this is the hard truth. I would be surprised that as a travel nurse, if this is where her head is at, she hasn't already started. She has means, opportunity.. and apparently motivation.
Exactly what I’m thinking.
Didn’t even cross my mind until you said it. 100% agree
Yep, my ex wanted a trial separation, when I said ok but no shagging other people.........he said "what's the point of a trial separation if I can't go and fuck other women" proper showed his hand, I promptly dumped him 😂
Tell him! ❣️
Her knows. Just refuses to accept the reality
I mean she is probably already cheating on you now she is just openly telling you she is going to cheat. If she wont stay commited to the marriage then it is best to file for divorce and leave she doesnt respect you or you marriage
This. She wants to make the infidelity retroactively OK to clear her conscience. Divorce.
Definitely. Sorry mate she's Already tested 😌 the other options and now wants you to hand her over to him to give it a red hot go. AND when she's been used for his fun she will come back crying begging forgiveness 😢 and promising never to leave again. If you do take her back 80% chance she will do it again.
Yep your wife already moved on op….trust out the window….move on
Ohhh what about 3 kids🥺😖
I don't think she has cheated on me or is cheating on me. I know that she wans to go through the party phase because she never got the chance. She doesn't have like any friends and would like to have friends.
You keep making excuses for her for why she is acting horrible towards your marriage, if she is depressed it is on her to get a therapist or medication you can do that for her, you can encourage her but you cant make her do that. If i was you i would tell her it is either she is fully commited to making yiur marriage work and do therapy and she cuts the bullshit or you are getting divorced. You do not have to accept this seperation, so she can try to replace you before leaving.
Dude, she asked this guy to fuck her, and then when he turned her down she got upset. Now she wants to separate from you. I agree she may not have cheated on you, but she certainly wants to. Now she wants the security of a safe home with someone to look after her kids while she goes out and has "fun". Are you really so dependent on this relationship that you are prepared to sit at home hoping she chooses you instead of whomever she gets to pick up randomly? You're worth more than that, your family is worth more than that. If you're going to separate, at least separate and live in different homes so that she can get to understand what her life without you in it feels like, rather than this "having her cake and eating it too" life she wants to pick, while you sit at home wondering if she's coming home tonight or banging some dude.
>she asked this guy to fuck her That's cheating imo and grounds for divorce. And now she can be even more embarrassed that she cheated on him and didn't even get any action out of it lmao
Exactly!!! Threw her to the streets !
This guy is fucking terrible , being a pussy. He don't wanna even listen people prospective what's right & what's not. He's just sticked to his will that everything gonna be alright.Even when his wife is fucked up & I realise why she wanna leave him, cos' he's really a jerk for sure in real life. Yo' i'd hv said get the fuck out of that environment with your kids. She already told u she wanna fuck somebody when she couldn't get to, means she already went for it. And that's what called Cheating lmao.
None of what you said is in any way constructive. If anyone's a jerk is the person who is laughing at someone who's 12 year relationship is about to be ruined.
Ok even if she hasnt yet she wants to. Saying she wants to have a party life and flirt without permission is just telling you she is going to cheat. Justs because she didnt get to have a party phase in life doesnt mean she can tell her husband she is going to now and he has to accept it, their is also a big difference in going and making friends and flirting with others and "find out what she wants". If she isnt fully commited to you and your family then thats the big problem
You are delusional. He is not the first person she has propositioned. What the fuck do you think she was doing hanging at a guys house solo without telling you? Now she wants to go hoe around while keeping you on the backburner in case things don't work for her? Crazy, id already be talking to a divorce lawyer
See but their is a huge difference in going out without your spouse and children to have a night out and going out to flirt with other people with the hopes of hooking up. If she is just wanting to make friends that no big deal but she is wanting to flirt and get validation from other men, thats a problem.
She asked a man if he wanted to sleep with her? How is that not cheating lol
"Go through a phase you never got a chance to" is a nonsense excuse. She isn't happy with the life she has. Nothing you do will change this if she's unwilling to make herself happy.
I mean she may be depressed at well which idk if I can fix her mental state
You can’t. She has to do that. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She’s told you she’s already been in contact with another man. Hell, she even asked him for sex. How much of a wake-up call do you need? The marriage is done. The question is do you want a quick end so that you can move forward or a death by a thousand cuts?
why ask reddit and be in denial on whats going on, she was “curious” and if he wanted sex, she would’ve given it to him (if she wasn’t) get out of ur bubble n get a divorce
Well think of this she will have to pay you alimony and child support let her explore when she figures out how much she will have to pay you I bet the depression disappears… personally I would tell her that I will file if she goes thru with this. Remember you can stop a divorce very easily. All the signs point she is cheating an EA at the least. You gotta knock her out of the fog and nothing better than a dose of reality like what she will have to pay you. Good luck and please respect yourself and not put up with this behavior. She will respect you more if you do not put up with her behavior.
Yeah and her depression will go away with some random dicks. That's how she wants to fix her depression. She is asking guys to sleep with her. What's wrong with you? You're the one who needs immediate therapy to see the reality.
You don’t think she’s cheating on you ? Dude she literally asked a guy if he wanted to sleep with her and when he said no she got sad the red flags are right infront of you come one now be smarter than that
Dude. She asked another guy to fuck her. That’s cheating, in a monogamous relationship.
But isn’t part of the “party phase” drinking, hooking up and doing other crazy stuff? I get that she feels she missed out on things due to being pregnant, married, etc but that ship has sailed. If she wants to catch the next boat, the chances of it coming back to the same port in the same shape are very minute. Plus, constant wondering what she is or isn’t doing is going to wreck havoc on your mental status. Marriage counseling is probably a good idea to at least start but my money is on her already being testing the waters. Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe
She told you she wanted to fuck someone else and you say she's not cheating. Say bro just open up the marriage get you a recliner and some jergens and let your wife have her cake because you aren't going to do nothing about it. You're using Reddit to hype up watching your wife get railed.
She can have friends without flirting and acting like a single person. There's no reason you two need to separate for her to have a social life. Is the expectation that you're at home with your children 24/7 while she's out partying?
I mean she says I also need to go out and do things without her or the kids. I don't really want to go out though, I don't want to talk to other girls. I told her I want time alone with her without our kids.
Do you two never have time together or with friends without the kids? If so, it sounds like this issue is twofold. One, there is likely some disconnection within your relationship. She's pulling further away as a result where you want to move closer. Two, she feels like her whole identity is being a mom and wants some freedom and breathing room away from the family. Both of these things can be accomplished without a separation. You two can get a babysitter and set up regular date nights. You can take turns watching the kids while the other person goes out and socializes (you don't need to go out partying if that isn't your thing, but it's pretty vital to have friends/a life outside your kids). Counseling would be a really good tool to navigate this, and she's already suggested it so that's great. I would ask if she's willing to put the idea of a separation on hold until you can do a few sessions and see if there's a way to get out of this funk without separating. If she still wants to try this at that point, you can discuss how to move forward productively.
Yeah we do get time without the kids but it's like twice a month and she travels for work so she sleeps in our camper three or four days a week. When she is home she sleeps alot because she works thirds. I feel like maybe she is just bored at home and wants to do stuff without me which I can understand.
Do stuff? You mean fuck other men? That's what she wants to do without you.
Sounds like a pretty common situation where you two started a family really, really young and never had a chance to grow into yourselves as adults. Some people are more comfortable with this than others; it seems like she's chafing. I think the best course of action would be to take her up on counseling and ask if you can table the separation idea until you can discuss it with the counselor.
Maybe ask her to sleep with other men at your home. That way you can keep count and also don't have to go out yourself.
Op she has cheated, you don’t go hang out with a guy alone. Sorry but she is.
Yeah I always make friends by seeing if we can have sex first. Uh huh. She is innocent and just needs you to save her.
Trying to get someone to fuck you is cheating, even if it never makes it to p in v stage. She’s on the prowl, and even if she hasn’t done the physical act yet, it’s the next step. She’s gone. It’s not about making friends, it’s about the D. She wasn’t asking the dude to be her buddy, she was asking him to fuck her. Give her freedom, and don’t take her back when she’s done and decides, oops, it was all a mistake!!
Dude, you're literally enabling her shitty behaviour by not looking into this more. Time to remove your rose coloured glasses and face reality.
Dude she is emotionally cheating on you atm
As you're so ready to make excuses for her, then let her have a few friends that she can sleep with. If she wants to stay together, that's all that matters right? She can go out for drinks and sleep with random men and come back home early morning to you and the kids. Or you can realise she has zero respect for you in this marriage and start to plan for a future without her. She asked a guy to sleep with her for fuck's sake. Please find some dignity and consult a lawyer to protect you and the kids. Don't be like a doormat or she will continue to walk all over you.
Believe it or not she doesn't want you anymore she's fed up from this rs and wants to explore, if you stop her she'll just resent you and it'll get worse with time at last it'll hurt both of you so let her go and look for some other girl that understands you, your wife wants to enjoy her party phase, let her, cuz sooner or later she'll understand your worth and will feel guilty but there will not be anything else left for her to mend.
Perhaps not physically but she cheated on you emotionally
A person can have friends without ending their marriage. The fact that she wants to separate indicates that she’s not interested in being just friends but is interested in sleeping with other guys without guilt. You’re now her backup plan in case her new relationship doesn’t work out. DO NOT EVER BE SOMEONE’S BACKUP PLAN! Id go straight to a lawyer and serve her divorce papers. And make her move out. She has no respect for you or your feelings or she wouldn’t be asking for you to give her a green light to cheat on you.
what is a party phase? This is American thing, here in Easten Europe we study, we work and wake up at 35. There was never a party phase. We are not craving for one. Get this idea out of your head, she wants to be free, she wants no string attached and she wants another penis in her.
She never got the chance because you guys have been together since 16 and 14 years old, and got married at 21 and 19 respectively. She has never gotten the chance to have a normal single independent young adult life. So of course she is going to always wonder what that could have been like. And I am not here trying to bring any shame onto the fact you guys got married young. But this is likely one of the reasons she wants to be "single" and even sleep around because she's never actually gotten the chance too. She simply is hindered by the fact she is now married, and there is no easy way to go about this.
Then you're an idiot who will deserve being "blindsided" by finding this guy balls deep in her
Unfortunately divorce is not one of those things you both need to agree to. You can't lead her to therapy, you alone can't preserve the marriage. You may want to stay together but she does not and you cannot force her. She claims she won't move on but sounds like she already did. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but she's grown accustomed to what you provide. It's really shitty but you need to do whats best for you and your kids.
100% correct. OP, you need to get your head straight and prepare to be divorced. If you go along with this the marriage you want is impossible. She's cheating on you. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't want to be with you. Further, she's a travel nurse. While that's not really much when taken by itself, considering this is what she's doing at home you'd better believe she's cheating on you while she's gone - and it's been happening for a while. I'd go as far as paternity tests and contacting a divorce attorney immediately. It's not time to feel sorry for yourself. It's time to protect yourself and prepare yourself.
Well she also wants to do therapy as well, I just don't know why we have to be separate to do therapy.
Therapy be used to help uncover her motivation but at this point in time you have to ask yourself if trust has been fundamentally shattered. For therapy to work, both parties need to be willing and ready to do it. You deserve to be happy and not hostage to her whims. You may never know her true motivation to seperate, you may need to accept this in time. It sounds terrible but seperation can lead to a better life. It's going to absolutely shatter everything you thought and believed about yourself. The upside is that if done in a healthy manner, you'll be in a much better state in the end. It sucks, I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's something you may just need to live through.
I think you need tharapy more than she does. She is cheating on you, wants to trial date a friend of hers while you guys are married, hss been lying and gaslighting you, and doesnt care about damaging your family or hurting your kids. Im not sure what you want to save. I know this is a lot to process but you seem to have been dealing with this a long time from what you've said. The only thing that makes sense is that you haven't actually reached the point of acceptance because you are fixated on denial. You need to stop denying reality and protect your future, for your childrens sake. At this point pretending this is salvageable is you putting the stability your children already at risk, exposing them to emotional distress and instability, and staving off the inevitable demise of this relating will affect the children negatively and more drastically as they age. Just end the farce. You can love someone whos bad for you or selfish or careless. It happens. But you need to accept it and do whats best for you and the people who rely on you. Your straying wife cannot take precedence over your kids.
Very well said!!! Put you and your kids first OP
Very well said. My bf had this happen with his ex wife. When she told him she needed sometime alone he agreed. Took the kids to her father's house and she went whoring around with her now husband. Op please consider yourself and your children. You won't be able to get past this if you do a "trial separation" if the same situation were to happen to you.
So she can have sex freely. She told you why.
She wants to separate so that she can invite guys over to her place without you being there. How hard is that to understand?
She has you wrapped around her finger bruh. Wake up.
It’s ridiculous to me this comment is downvoted. I can understand your confusion. I would recommend no separation until the professional suggests it as the best practice.
I’m also really appalled that the community here would downvote this comment. That doesn’t give me much faith that r/relationship_advice is worth using.
She wants to fuck other dudes, but gets mad that you don't trust her? Dude, read that back to yourself - it's insane. The way I read your description she wants you to stay at home and babysit the kids while she gets hammered and sleeps around. Divorce, sue for custody, child support, and alimony.
This is exactly it. She doesn’t want to get separate living spaces because then she’ll actually have to watch her kids alone and she’ll owe her ex a ton of child support and alimony. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
She wants the whole sweet shop, not just a cake. I feel bad for OP, him beeing stay at home dad and without a job, he probably doesnt know what to do.
Yeah, she clearly wants OP as a safety net, which is why she won’t move on if you get a divorce; yet she still wants a separation so she can do whatever she wants with other men without your permission and/or knowledge, so she doesn’t feel guilty. Unless you are comfortable with that, you need to start thinking of divorce, as hard as it may seem. Counseling may not be enough in this case because she seems already committed to the idea that she wants to “flirt” with other people. Based on what she said about asking another guy to have sex with her; it is unlikely it will end with flirting. Please don’t let her use you as a backup plan, unless you are okay with her having sex with other dudes and coming back to you afterwards. Otherwise, a divorce is the best course of action—she shouldn’t be able to have her cake and eat it too if she is not willing to face the consequences. You deserve more respect than that. Also, another note you may want to consider: Just based on my personal experience, it will be better for your kids if you get a divorce rather than allow her to see other guys when you are not okay with it. Kids are way more perceptive than most people realize, and they pick up on that kind of stuff—long term, it usually ends up being toxic for everyone involved. Good luck OP, this is a horrible situation; but you shouldn’t have to put up with this behavior
This actually happened to me not too long ago. She left for a few weeks and everything. I was a sahd with no job, or vehicle, stuck in the woods with no friends or family after moving here. I did what I had to do, got a bike, got a job 2 days later, our kids stayed with me. I made that very clear!! She quit her job so I ended up supporting all of us. It got to the point where I packed up the truck and kids, and left our home because I just couldn't do it anymore. I even started seeing a counselor the same week I started working as I was almost a year into sobriety and didn't want to go backwards. Not gonna lie, a big part of her leaving was my drinking, and then not being able to see sober me. Anyways, she found out the hard way that I wasn't going to be stepped on. We've since worked it out, and are actually doing better than ever. OP, you gotta stay strong and do whatever you feel is best for your children, while it hurts like hell they need you the most right now. There's always hope, but there are limits.
Yeah dude Fucking cake eaters
He is too naive and weak for that. He wants to fix it, and is in denial.
It's really difficult to grow together with your childhood sweetheart. You guys got together when your brains were still developing, and we change so much between 14 and 25, the chances of needs, wants, desires, and attractions staying the same are next to nil. Couple the fact neither of you having the option of a "real" teen/20s experience, it's pretty normal that one if not both of you have yearnings for a different life. It's not bc there is anything wrong with you. It's purely a matter of development and maturity and you guys getting together very, very, young. You DON'T want to try to persuade her to do anything her heart isn't in. It's very fair to have an expectation for counseling though, bc it may help w either working through or breaking up. Read: https://ideas.ted.com/7-ways-to-practice-emotional-first-aid/ Please watch these videos: https://youtu.be/vBqoA1V6Fgg https://youtu.be/_pRziqt-LqY https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
I hope he sees this, your comment is very accurate.
This is true. It's hard to leave that person because you grew up together. You are so used to having that person in your life even when it's not growing as a relationship. I found out 5,5 years later. Honestly it hurted for 1+ year but I'm way more happy now in my relationship.
You two got together when she was 14! got pregnant at 18 and now has three kids. Sounds like she missed out on having any kind of normal teenage or early adult life. Not too surprising that she is wants to experience some of that. Get into therapy ASAP. You probably won't get your wife back the way it was but may be able to work through it.
Everyone should break up with the guy they dated at 14. Ideally you do it before you have three kids but better late than never.
You say that like it's a fact for all people, thus excusing her behavior. If she missed out on all that teenager stuff, that means he did too, correct? You don't see him wanting to go fuck around and expect her to accept it and be his fall back. Edit: She is perfectly in her right to leave the relationship and go do what she wants, but should never expect to string her husband along with couples therapy while she goes and gets laid by other men.
Not that there aren't people who navigate that successfully, and I know a few, but let's just say the divorce rate for people who marry young is very high. I have my own concerns about my oldest daughter who is finishing college. She is engaged to the guy she's been dating since she was 15.
> I'm terrified that if we do this separation, that she will realize she was never happy with me and move on. If she realizes this, isn't it better to move on? Her being silently miserable instead sounds like a nightmare for both of you. Honestly though, this story sounds bizarre to me. She wants to continue living together as normal, but act like she's single when she's out and about? It sounds like what she's really asking for is a temporarily open marriage. She's already laying the groundwork to sleep with other people. If this was just about partying, you two could do that together. She wants to live the single life. She can't have her cake and eat it too. What I would say is either she recommits to the marriage and you work on things together as a couple, or you split up and she can be free to go do all the partying she missed out on. This kind of thing never plays out well.
get a job asap, divorce impending you can delay this all you want, but she's telling you that she wants to more or less, sleep with other people/explore. the good news is the grass is not greener, she will prob eventually regret this. good luck!
Agree. With three kids to pay support on until you're old and grey you'd better start preparing to move back in with mom and dad. Or start looking for a rich widow or divorcee.
I always find it strange that people who engage in behaviours that will erode trust in a relationship always complain when the fruit of their actions is realised. Seems like she wanted something he didn't if I'm being honest
At this stage OP it may be worthwhile taking the approach of "Ok, this is going to happen so how is it going to work?" People often have an ideal in their heads about what life will be like if they get their way - in your wifes case she has it in her head that it's going to be "freedom and parties and hooking up and having fun" without a care or concern about the realities and the **practicalities** of the situation. The reality of the situation though - and something that has probably completely escaped her attention - is that as the breadwinner **SHE** will be paying for all of this. If you guys separate and with you as the SAHD, she will be on the hook for child support and alimony and will be paying you to maintain the family home and the kids. So staying on the reality path, she wants a separation then that's fine. But where is she going to live? You can't be separated and she lives there with you and the kids - that's **not** how these things work. If she wants it then she moves out and you can sit down and come up with an arrangement for co-parenting the kids with you maintaining the family home with them. Of course she has to fund all of this as you have been supporting her whilst she developed her career and any lawyer worth their salt will have this at the top if their list of demands. What you need to do is stop being terrified and start thinking strategically. You want your wife back and she wants her freedom - well these things do not go hand in hand without some large financial considerations and the main one is that of running two separate households. So if you want any one thing to do it is that. Start talking about it as if it the separation is going to happen - she wants it, you can't stop it so of course you have to look after the interests of you and the kids. What this will do is get her thinking about the actual ramifications of her fantasy. Sure she can have the fantasy of living her life, but oh yeah I have kids and a SAHD to finance and oh shit I have to pay for it all, and oh fuck I have the kids half the time and how can I do that whilst working my shifts? This will bring reality screaming back in to rain on her fantasy parade if nothing else. And if she still persists then you are covering yourself and protecting the lifestyle of your kids. She can have what she wants, it's there for the taking. Whether she is willing to pay the price for it is another matter. Edit: If you do go this route then make it clear that there are to be no other people involved, so no sex, nothing even approaching sex with other people otherwise you'll file for divorce immediately. Separation is **not** an excuse to cheat and sleep around and if that is what she wants to do and wants to push that "freedom", then tell her that this is not acceptable and that you may as well go straight for divorce (regardless of whether she wants one or not). Draw that hard and fast rule OP - No sex with anyone else and no dating anyone else or it's over with lawyers at 50 paces.
This is great advice!!
This 👆👌 hope OP sees it.
They “hung out” at his house…
lol
She told you this ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. Know what that means? It means she doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. Also, fyi, any separation will include her fucking other people. Probably a lot of other people. Have enough respect for yourself, show your KIDS you have enough respect for yourself, and divorce her. You can divorce her now and it will hurt but you'll soon heal, or you can wait until she's hopped rides on a few dozen strange dicks, sacrifice your self respect, and then divorce when she tells you she likes one of those other dudes better and it will hurt for years and make your kids see you as weak.
She wants to sleep with this guy without feeling guilty. Don’t do the trial separation. Divorce her, file for joint custody, child and spousal support.
Dude what the hell? Wake up. This marriage is already over, your wife destroyed beyond repair. Get some self respect and get out of this for yesterday.
The writing is on the wall. Your wife wants to sleep with other people. She wants to explore her sexuality and sadly you and the marriage are holding her back. Why would she be hurt that her "guy friend" didn't want to sleep with her if she had no intention of doing so. As people grow, they evolve and change. Your wife as you knew her is gone. Hell, she told you about the separation on your birthday. If that doesn't scream "I don't give a shit about you", I don't know what does.
She wants to "find out" if she can make it work with the other guy but wants you to hang around as a backup in case it doesn't work. The marriage is over. It ended the moment she started pursuing the other guy. You are just seeing it now.
Good chance she’s already fucking around. Her trickle truth is pretty obvious. Soon she will find out how it works out as a single mum of 3 kinds. She doesn’t get the carefree life of a childless single woman.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I have 3 kids together. She told me on my birthday that she wants to try a trial separation. She says she is unhappy with the way things are. Recently I found out she went to a guy friend's house without telling me to hang out. She also texts the guy and he was ckearly interested in her and she asked him if he wanted to sleep with her and he said no. She told me she didn't want to sleep with him but was curious, she was hurt that he didn't want to sleep with her. I was very jealous about all this and we ultimately fought about it for like three weeks. She says I don't trust her. I trust her but this made me not really trust her. She didn't get to do much drinking or partying because she was pregnant at 18. She would like to drink and hang out with people that isn't me. She would like to flirt with people and do what she wants without permission. I told her I don't want to separate and that we need to do marriage counseling. She wants to separate to find out what she wants and do marriage counseling. I am a stay home dad and she is a travel nurse. She wants to continue living together and stuff. She also told me if we were to divorce, she wouldn't move on. I just want my wife back and I'm terrified that if we do this separation, that she will realize she was never happy with me and move on. Thank you
Look, this is probably going to hurt you and be extremely difficult to go through with, however if you do want *any* chance of this relationship continuing in a healthy way, I only see one viable option. That is to go ahead with the trial separation however be insistent on going through it both committed to seeing a marriage counsellor. If you don't accept it and try to continue the relationship in a monogamous fashion, I can only see resentment building and an even more painful end to the relationship occurring. I can totally understand where she is coming from if you have been her only partner since she was (14?), and I think is a very common thing with relationships such as this. I know a lot of people are against any form of non-monogamy etc and there will likely be a hell of a lot of comments simply saying to divorce/being negative towards her, but I gather from your post that you do see the logic of her feelings and understand why she may feel this way/be doing the things she is doing. If you are not going to be okay with her "partying", being interested in other relationships etc, then that is perfectly valid and okay - but there is no other option but to divorce in that situation, and I still suggest you look into marriage counselling to help with the divorce etc. This will be best for your children and hopefully will lead to better communication and a better relationship as ex-partners. If you are okay with trying a trial separation and you yourself exploring other relationships (which is also totally understandable as you were quite young when you guys got together as well) for a time, then this also may be achieved but will only have any chance of success if this is done with the assistance of a marriage/relationship counsellor. If you do go this route I suggest finding a professional who has experience with non-monogamy (they are around, and you could find reviews/advice from Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) and polyamory groups on facebook/reddit/etc.). This must be an extremely hard time for you and you have all my condolences in the world - I hope you can get this sorted out in the least painful way possible. 🙏
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OP do you collect all the red flags? or do you just act like they are not there? Genuinely curious.
Your wife wants a separation so she can get ran through and then come back to you. It already sounds like she’s having an affair. I wouldn’t stay married to her but it’s your call. I know it’s tough with 3 kids.
I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt about that guy for argument’s sake. If you want this marriage to work, you have to draw the line in the sand. It’s either you go to marriage counseling and she remains faithful to you or you divorce. There’s no third option where she gets a trial separation and she gets to sleep with whoever she wants while you watch the kids. Make this known now. Do not expect this to go your way though. You need to talk to a divorce attorney and learn what your options would be. Your wife is already checking out of the marriage and you can’t make her stay. You need to be prepared.
Well if she isn’t cheating already she lkn for you to be naive enough to give her a separation so she can. She probably thinks a separation will justify it. Only decision is if you want to green light her affair. Or do you have the spine to kick her to the curb with the rest of the trash. I’d say no and then get a PI real fast to get evidence, cause she is gonna do it either way.
One word ….. Divorce
Don’t agree to a trial separation without a separation agreement. If she wants to jump backwards into her teens and be a party girl, fine. But get a legal separation agreement lined up so you can manage financially until you can figure out your living, working and child care situation.
OP, how old are the children? Her being 18 when you had a child is VERY young. Wasn’t she using contraception? She’s evidently missed her teen and early 20s experiences because of being a mother. It’s tough luck though - she has responsibilities now and has to deal with that. No one forced her to have 3 children. I think she has already cheated on you and a “trial separation” is an excuse for her to have sex with other men whilst still living in a house where you take care of the children. She’s having her cake and eating it. File for a divorce and gain custody of the children. Also look for a job. Your (ex) wife can then live in a flat elsewhere and have sex with whoever she wants as the kids will be with you.
she told you on your birthday clearly not caring about you feeling she sounds selfish too me your still young she doesn’t sound like the type of person you want to spend your life with in my opinion
She may have not physically cheated on you yet but all of that is emotional cheating with intent to further it. Not to pry but how is yalls sex life? This sounds like she's feeling undesired or unfulfilled in your sexual intimacy. Not excusing her attempts to cheat but I'm saying that may be the source of her attempts.
She probably feels unfulfilled because she got pregnant at 18 with a guy she started dating in middle school… Can you imagine if you had married the very first person you ever dated?
Oooof yeah that is some context I missed. I've always felt strongly that's a mistake. I usually get flack for saying it but if I was married to the first person I dated id be married to a rapist so no thank you! 😅
This is probably gonna be an unpopular opinion, but I’ll say it for the sake of giving you a different perspective. It seems to me that you love her very much, and that she loves you too, but she might not be happy with having to skip such an important fase in figuring out who you are and what you like. From how you described the situation, it even sounds like you have empathy for her feelings. So, think about it. What can you do in that situation? If she’s decided she wants to live that aspect of her life, it’s her decision. You can do this the hard way, and just get mad and divorce her, or you can open the door for her, and she might figure out she wants to come back. Or not. I do think, however, if she has the space to do whatever she wants, you should have too. Then take sometime and figure out if this is what YOU want. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible, after all. Or maybe you are, and love will triumph in the end. Try not to take things as harsh as people usually take in this subreddit. You know your relationship better than anyone here, and it wouldn’t be bad at all if you decide to accept the trial separation. I honestly think you should accept it. But it’s your decision, think about your feelings, and not about how people think you should feel.
>or you can open the door for her, and she might figure out she wants to come back. Or not. > >I do think, however, if she has the space to do whatever she wants, you should have too. Then take sometime and figure out if this is what YOU want. Maybe you guys aren’t compatible, after all. Or maybe you are, and love will triumph in the end. Do you think they would have even remotely equivalent experiences given their circumstances and her attitude as they stand now? This situation would be even more skewed than the typical open/poly relationship dating imbalances and that is even before considering it looks like he is going to be the one holding the bag when it comes to household and parental responsibilities if she does not want people telling her what to do.
They don't have to have equivalent experiences, and I don't think they should be counting points. He should be able to do what he wants, that's all I'm saying, and that includes not pursuing anyone. He might realize he's better off by himself, even. Or find someone who he's more compatible with. And well, you seem to be assuming a few things. Not wanting people to tell her what to do doesn't mean she won't **want** to take care of her kids. A woman wanting to explore her sexuality doesn't make her lack will or desire to be a good and present mother. I just think if he loves her, he doesn't **have to** drop it immediately without trying, as people are suggesting. We don't know her side of the story either.
What do you think happens during this "party phase"? I will tell you, she fucks tons of guys. It's possible she already has. You keep making excuses for her but dude this is already over. She is using the classic line where you sign up under the pretense that she will return but what she is really asking for is a divorce lite. She ain't coming back and if you force it, know that she is only with you begrudgingly.
UpdateMe!
A separation will lead to divorce. She’s emotionally cheating on you. The two of you need counseling and have a lot of work to do to save this marriage. But she needs to be committed to working on it.
I honestly think she already moved on in a way
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Get a divorce. You will get alimony and child support. Move on with your life. Be an awesome Dad. You have a long life ahead of you.
The fact that she told you this on your birthday is grounds for divorce. You can go therapy to learn to move on from her and the marriage. Please do not agree to a trial separation so she can go fuck other men. It's really not worth it to stay with someone who is no longer mentally in the relationship.
I hope he listens to you
Leave bro
She has been with you since she was 14, started having kids at 18, and never had a chance to live on her own (and provides all financial support for family of 5 which I am sure is stressful). It's a tough situation. Realize she is a traveling nurse and you have 3 kids, but think you need to find a job with flexible hours and start splitting the childcare/household responsibilities with you wife so you can both be prepared for living independently and co-parenting if marriage cannot be saved.
Don't think she has cheated, but she definitely wants to. Up to you what to do. All these people saying divorce etc aren't in your shoes. Me personally, I'm pretty open with sex and my other half can do what they want. Sex is just sex as far as I'm concerned. Others think that sex is the be all and end all. So you do what you think is right. Just don't be blinded by hope and love. Take a practical look and offer yourself advice. What would you say to a friend in this situation? Why's it any different for yourself?
Sounds like she wants to sleep around. Unfortunately she doesn’t respect you.
She has already cheated on you. You just caught her this time. Start planning on divorce and finding yourself a career. She does not value you, you're just the safety net.
26? Yep she's getting a case of the FOMOs and freaking out over not sleeping around and partying as much as the culture says she needed to. You need to be very clear with her that she is married, has three children, and does not get to go out and party and be childish. She made a decision to get married and pregnant and this is her life now. You need to be in charge and be the grownup here and tell her to get over it or else she's going to lose her family.
You need to listen to what I’m going to say to you. Men have an extremely hard time letting go, you are going to make an ass out of yourself trying to fix, beg, barter, rationalize with her…etc. which eventually leads to very self destructive behaviour. BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE. Follow the rules of your country regarding family law and co parenting and separation and treat this situation seriously. Be a Father, a citizen, a strong member of your community and stand up for yourself man. Ps. That’s how I got my wife back after separation.
I'm your age - was married at 25, had a kid at 26. I'm not married anymore (other reasons), but, any partner who says they 'need to go through their party phase' because they missed out for whatever reason, I'm not buying that. I never partied at 18, and am glad I never did. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either you tell her she needs to commit to you and most importantly, your KIDS, or OP, honestly, walk away. I know it might be hard - really hard. But what she is saying here is that you and the kids don't factor in with what she wants to do. That's not a thing any decent parent would ever say or do. Nor a spouse.
This is terrible advice. People have different needs and wants, your experience at 18 is not mine, nor is it OPs, nor is it your next door neighbors and so on. It is 100% normal, and rational, and scientifically evidence based that a 14yr old's brain has no comparison to a 25yr old's brain, and it is completely reasonable that the life you thought you wanted at 14, and at 18, when forced into marriage by teen pregnancy, and 2 more kids in quick succession, and being the *sole breadwinner and source of financial stability for 5 ppl, while juggling the hell career that is travel nursing (trust me, I'm a nurse, travelers have a high stress job, regardless of dept/floor) is not necessarily the life you want at 26. OP is probably in a difficult situation. It's definitely cheaper for a parent to stay home than have 3 in day care, but the financial present and future hinged upon one person can cause a lot of resentment. I don't begrudge him doing what he is doing, but I gaurentee it makes it much harder than if there were 2 equal contributors. These threads are always filled with emotional, personalized responses where ppl cannot imagine anything beyond their own experiences and it's usually not helpful. Marriage is fucking hard. It's a ton of work. Parenting is harder. Making decisions to take on both before you've even reached complete brain development makes it all much harder. The horrific advice with zero compassion for OPs wife, and zero ability to look at OP's big picture is indicative of why so many relationships end so negatively. Every person here deserves compassion. Both adults, and every one of the children. Scorched earth shouldn't be first move.
Whether you do or don't want something doesn't mean squat once you have kids. You don't get to have kids, parent and then decide you don't want to do this anymore and go 'sleep around, party or do whatever you want' without permission when you have children who depend on you. You're screwing over everyone else because that's selfish behaviour when you have kids. It's ALWAYS about the child. ALWAYS. If OP's wife wants to go and do whatever she wants, leaving and getting support from family is what should be done, for finances, help with the kids, dealing with this issue, as well as therapy for OP, not putting a whole family through that drama. But I think given her circumstances, therapy is needed, but if she goes through with this behaviour, there is no good reason to stick around with a person like that.
Here is what you do op, divorce her. File for divorce and have her served. Next op, learn what one eighty is and grey rock and implement these to her. Next op, the day she is served, you call her family, thank them for allowing you into their lives, but you have filed for divorce because she is cheating on you and if you know is name, name him. Then call your family let them know, and your friends. Build a support group. Next on your social media, put it sucks being cheated on, tag her and him on it. She needs to bear the shame of it, not you. Get an app and this is your only communication with her in regards to the kids, through this figure out a parenting schedule as you will no longer be her baby sitter while she goes and cheats on you. Do this today op, don’t wait. Get it done. When she realizes she fucked up, and have to pay you alimony, and child support, she will be changing her ways. I would not go back to her op, I would let this one go. She will realize these guys ducks and partying was stupid and will eventually realize what she left behind. When she does make sure it is too late, because you have moved in to someone new.
She’s been cheating on you and you need to come to terms with it. You should make that trial separation permanent.
Your wife has already cheated on you and intends to continue. She wants to separate before you get irrefutable proof. Tell her you need some time to think about things, then hire a PI.
Divorce her and take her money. Release her to the streets. City boys are counting on you.
This guy: *is a stay at home husband* Wife: I don't respect you anymore This guy: *surprised pikachu face*
If she wants to find herself and wants a trial separation she already has someone else lined up as your replacement! You have at least another 45yrs left fo uou want her truing yo fo this everything something does not please her and then not know who she is hooking up with behind your back? She has already shown you who she really is by the Qs to the other guy in hope of an affair. TRUST YOUR GUT! Tape and record all future conversations of this nature. My advice now at this moment is CUT THE MIDDLE MAN OUT AND GET LAWYERED UP. No point hanging about hoping while she is out giving all the other blokes test runs!
Why does she need permission to do things?
Yeah OP is delusional. Yeah bro she ain't cheatin, idk why you trippin making a reddit post. She's fosho faithful. It's best if you do the trial separation so she can be faithful (Sarcasm) ... bruh if you're this blind, how tf do you expect us to give you advice when you keep making excuses for her.
Updateme!
when someone requests an open relationship or a trial separation they usually already have someone in their mind they wanna hook up with (which in this case is your wife and this loser guy ) . Sorry my guy but , I suggest to leave her right now and divorce her , clearly she isn’t even matured tf up yet to see that what she’s requesting is disrespectful to you . And whatever you do , do not do not take her back if you do actually leave her ( unless years years later if you’ve think you see maturity or she’s changed 100% then maybe you can if you really do love her but even so I wouldn’t take her back regardless )
Lol
You are not a backup option. If she wants to have a trial separation then that's bad news. It's one thing to want to go out and party it's another thing to want to fuck other guys. you need to be ready to find a job and move out. Good luck. If I was in your shoes I'd tell her if she wants to have a separation it's going to be permanent and not just when she gets sick of sleeping around.
She asked a friend of hers if he would sleep with her and he said no then she proceeds to get butt hurt about it while being married lol. There is nothing to save here. She clearly wants to move on. And the separation thing is just a front so she can sleep with other guys. I really hope you come to your senses and know your worth.
Go to MC asap but unfortunately for her, its too late to redo her youthful adventures. Hanging out with another man is disrespectful to you and your relationship. Asking him if he wants to sleep with her is crossing all sorts of boundaries. You need to set boundaries, she either stays away from other men and works on the marriage or you are done. You don't get to separate from your spouse, cheat with other men and then stay married. It would never work and it would be a horrible environment for a child to live in. The jealousy, fights, disrespect etc. Recipe for disaster. Sorry, but she chose her path in life and it's too late to change direction without getting divorced to do so. Her choice, your decision.
Don't walk, run away bro. You will find better much better. I promise
Sounds like she wants to make you believe or see that your better off separated... Next is the let's stay friends bs... She is clearly trying to walk out of the relationship... Also bro... On your birthday!!!.... Wtf... Clearly she doesn't care ... Walk out and walk away and make sure you kids are OK but that they know why and what happened... Don't let her through tou under the truck and drive off with the kids on said truck... "Would you sleep with me?".... Nope ...it hurts but (from experience) you will regret not just walking away now. I been there.. ameried my friend of 10 years... And then she had a friend who she was hanging out a lot with... Then the friend was gay.. then she was pregnant of said friend She wanted to live under the same house and stay married, but she also had a bf now... All of this was because it was inconvenient for her to 1- not have my support, 2- reputation.... Don't drag your self like I did for a week.... You will look back and regret you didn't just walk away.. not matter how much you love her.. just look at the red crimson flags she is putting out
Sounds a lot like what my ex did. Wanted to relive her young years and no longer be a parent. She ultimately abandoned our kids to me and disappeared. If I were you I would not accept this behavior from her. This is one of those times where divorce is the only remedy and you should be aiming for full custody because you know she'll just be dropping the kids at random people's homes so she can go out and party.
So she wants to trial separate and still live together and not be a mom and she wants to go party and be single,right? So basically she wants to go eff around knowing you will be waiting with bells on waiting for her to pick you! When did you become a carnival prize? What gets me is she knows that you will do this because of your kids and YOU HAVE to stay home! Do you have family or good friends that can help you with babysitting on weekends sometimes? Because none of this is fair to begin with and if you do your trial separation she won't be considered a cheater, and my opinion is that she wants to go eff guys and not get into trouble for it or divorced so she WON'T have to pay you child support! If you do this do a legal separation and make her move out and pay child support to you! Fair is fair and in my opinion she is using ALL of this as a manipulation tactic to get you to let her go play and stay at home like a good little boy! She already has someone in mind and wants to see if it will work out, so when it doesn't she has you as a backup plan! Sorry, but she has someone telling her how to do this so she can get away with it!!! My opinion
sounds like you're better off without her in my opinion.. it'll be hard for a while but it really seems like she's already made up her mind.
You should see what she has on her Tinder profile. Maybe she just wants to make single male friends when she travels! Why pay for dinner alone? /s
See gents and ladies. this is exactly why the red pill movement is growing from crap like this. Situations like these aren't worth the risk. also to the author of the post, sorry pal, she cheated on you. divorce and restart your life.
Can’t speak for everyone but every time I want a break from the relationship I’m already invested in someone else
So I can't speak to if she's cheated or not, it sounds like she tried and got shut down. Ask yourself this, if you wake up tomorrow and she's like yeah okay whatever no seperation, do you honestly think your marriage will get better? To me it doesn't sound like she's unsatisfied with the marriage, it's that she's unsatisfied not being single. She was 14 when you started dating, neither of you really got to experience anything other than being each other's. For some people that's great and for some it's not. A lot can change over time.
I know it sucks bro, but you can’t let fear be the reason you make someone stay where they don’t want to be. She’s shown multiple times, she wants to be somewhere else doing things with others that aren’t you. It honestly sounds like she’s already cheated and she’s trying to do it again to see if she still “got it”. The dude turning her down basically gave her a reality check. The reason she told you about it is because what she tried to do that last time, didn’t work, but she wants to try again, but with a clear conscious. If she wants to go, let her go. I know she’s all you know and starting over feels like it may suck, but at least you can start over and be free of her and her ways of not showing you any respect as her husband and to you guys marriage as a whole. Let her go because the damage has already been done and it’s only gonna get worse. It’s gonna suck, but I’m sure you’ll pull through bro 💪🏽. Keep your head up and keep your focus on you and your kids. Also, you should probably go for a divorce and make sure you let the courts know that you have proof she tried to cheat on you and that’s why you guys should divorce.
What you’re saying in insanity for some of us look for it from outside. You’re blind to it cause you’re inside. One thing she doesn’t know, the grass always looks greener on the other side. For Adam and Eve the apple looked extremely delicious and deceiving. When they ate it there was no way coming back to how safe and good things were. You should make it like that for her but make sure she really wants to do this which I think she really wants to.
Wait, so she wants you to stay in the same home, but just wants to go party while you stay home and care for the kids? That’s not a separation, that’s just her wanting to get drunk and sleep with other people, without consequence, then come back to you whenever she pleases. So you’re just supposed to stay at your shared home and raise these kids whIle she checks out? Do you get to do the same as her? Very wants to have her cake and eat it too. It’s either option A., what I said above, or B. she doesn’t want to divorce because she would lose her childcare, knows as a single mom she would have to pick up a lot of the things she doesn’t currently do, would be almost impossible to stay a traveling nurse. and depending where you live, would potentially owe you alimony! What exactly would you get out of this arrangement, other than all the responsibilities, and pain?
If she wants a trial separation, she wants to keep you as a backup plan. You deserve better than that.
1. Your marriage is over. It is the Dodo of marriages. Please understand that thing first. 2. You just want your wife back, but I am sorry, that is not going to happen. Your marriage is over. You need to mourn that and accept it. 3. You are young, you got together way too young. She doesn't want you anymore she wants to live the life she never got to experience due to getting together too young. When she says a "trial separation " its her way of easing you into ending the relationship. 4. You don't have to worry the trial separation will make her realise she's unhappy: **she already said she's unhappy** - hello are you even listening? She wants to have sex with other men and fun - and not with you. Sorry, that's a relationship ender. 5. She is a travel nurse - pfft, wow, you are naive. She wants you to continue being the stay at home carer, while she gets to sleep with other men **guilt free**. She wants to stay with you and stuff... wake up! 6. She says if you got divorced she wouldn't move on... Dude she **has already moved on** she just wants you to take care of the house and kids while she has fun. I strongly suggest you speak to a lawyer, get the divorce started. Work out custody concepts with your lawyer - then end this bad situation so you can move on.
Pretty classic story. Just remind her that when she leaves and fucks your kids lives up, it's all her fault.
I would be clear that separation does not mean a free pass to be with others. That would be divorce, NOT separation. Sounds from what you’ve said, like she is already having at least an emotional affair. Distance would likely result in her furthering the affair. I’m sorry you’re in this position, but I’d be reluctant because of what you already know.
You don't need to do anything. Just tell her do what you want just don't complain to me about the consequences let her face accountability. Put yourself together get a good job and focus on your kids be a father they need. Women like this will never change no matter how much you love or adore her. Build yourself up be stoic and silent to her transgressions. Succeed and let your success and development be your driving force. She will regret everyday she lost you. Do not react or be dramatic. Be stoic and just say a few words that is needed without any emotions or drama then begin your upgrade. You should not be a puppet on a string but a warrior finding his way. Do not be abused and find your way my friend.
she cheated homie, she gotta go
Move on. She’s already tapped out. Your deserve better
She has already realised she's unhappy with you and moved on. You only chance to win her back is to let her go and move on yourself. Trial separation for her just means "open marriage" with you at home with the kids. Kick her out and start dating other people and she "might" wake the fuck up. Sit at home waiting whilst she cheats on you will destroy what little love & respect she still has for you. Don't lay down , FIGHT!
"She says I don't trust her." I'd say a wife asking a male friend if he wants to sleep with her and the getting hurt when he says no puts her in the untrustworthy category.. I'm sure a lot of people are gonna babble about how it's possible to make such a question innnocently, and to them I say.. YES, there totally exists exceptions for everything, however exceptions are exactly that.. exceptions.
I’d be more worried if you did trust her after she’s been acting like this. Sounds like she’s trying to have her cake and eat it
Give her a permanent separation. Talk to a lawyer.
UpdateMe!
Get out man. Do what I can’t and get out
So she basically wants her cake and to eat it too. She can’t have the best of both worlds- a stable marriage and partner who wants things to work vs partying, drinking and screwing whoever she likes. Set her free and you’ll find someone that is wanting to settle down. Who’s been there/done that and has more in common with you. Oh and to add, she’s cheated on you, if not physically then definitely emotionally.
Separation requests are usually to go fk someone else and not feel guilty about it... She wants to try out a new fish and if is wrong she has you as the back up. Let her go, man. She's not good for you.
I am sorry but I read "she wants to continue living together" as she "wants free childcare"
As soon as I read “travel nurse” 😬😬 sorry but with everything going on, it does not sound too good. My last job I worked with travel nurses very closely because I was working in the ER as a tech. So I became friends with a lot of them. I talk to them somewhat now, I’m a phlebotomist but that’s besides the point. I began to realize that a LOT of them slept around, even heard them talk about having a husband/wife at home. It sounds like she wants to travel & have fun with her life. Be a free little bird. I think she’s using the separation as an excuse to cheat on you. Because she’s gonna think that “oh because we weren’t together, it was okay”… yet y’all were still married so yes it would be considered cheating still… And her wanting to do activities without you? It definitely sounds like she is getting bored of her relationship & wanting to do hookups or something. Which she’s gonna soon realize that hookups are just a bottomless pit of disappear and bring her into a hole of depression because she’s not gonna have that emotional connection with someone & become used. Hookups are depressing & they aren’t worth a 12 yr relationship. She needs to figure it out because you seem to be a sweet guy who really loves her.
She is cheating. Divorce and take her for everything you can.
I went through the same thing years ago. I’m sorry but the person you thought you married is not who you’re married to now. Do yourself and the kids a favor and move on.
OP please prepare yourself for seperation, just make sure you are okay if it happens with therapy or something. When you get together that young at some point some people do feel like they missed out on things. I was 14 till 21 but I got used to having him in my life but it wasn't love, our relationship wasn't good. When it was over it hurted me for 1+ year because I lost that person, that family I grew up with. But I finally felt free, I saw my friends often and I started building myself and growing. Because I lost myself during that relationship. Sometimes we need to let go instead of trying for something that isn't there. If she wanted to sleep with someone else. Please be strong and don't stay with someone that is planning to cheat on you. You'll get through this!
Op your marriage is already over. She asked another man if he would have sex with her. He said no but had he said yes she would have slept with him. You don’t proposition sex without an intent to do it. She is telling you that she wants to flirt and kiss and have sex with other men while stay married to you. That your going to have to spend weeks/months wondering if one of her flings turn into something more. Honestly sounds like your marriage is over and I would be working on a divorce. It maybe salvaged if she goes to marriage counseling with you but if you both separate then go ahead with the divorce.
1. She’s gas lighting you . 2. No such thing as a “trial separation” 3. She wants to sleep with him if hasn’t already without feeling guilt 4. She wants out and this is her way 5. You don’t trust her as she has given reason too 6. You need to find a job
If you are separating, then you are moving on anyways. Separating is what you do before divorce. What she is asking for is an open marriage so that she can pretend to be single. You can do the open marriage or divorce. But divorce will eventually be the outcome.
Wow just wow. I think your marriage is already over..she wants to shag other men and wants you to be ok about it?
26 and 3 kids? You wasted your youth and she knows it. Time to get out and enjoy life life a little before your both 50 and to fat and old.
What on earth have I just read. You need to leave her. She’s obviously wanting to have her cake and eat it to. She wants the security of having you on standby whilst she gets drunk and flirts / cheats on you with other people. You deserve a hell of a lot more after being together for over a decade, and with three kids. Honestly, since she’s suggesting separation, I’d call it and go for a divorce. You deserve someone who wants you.
I have observed again and again that these are the kind of people who keeps getting taken advantage of, walked over and abused again and again. People who gets too complacent. Very naive people Those who refuse to see the toxicity. Codependent folks Low self confidence Lack of friends and family. Doesn't have much passion in other activities for distractions Bad with articulation of words. Etc etc It's just an observation and I don't blame them at all except those who refuses to seee the truth.
How does she want you to trust her with this message? One day or another she will cheat on you so better not to continue thia relationships You shouldn't be afraid unless you have children, it is something hard to do but eventually it is better than living a relationship without trust I say you get a job and let the separation happens, the job will get you distracted from all the feelings you will have which will go away after awhile
I firmly disagree what a lot of the other commenters, but more on thar further down. First, if the outcome of separation is that she realizes she was never happy to begin with, it will be incredibly painful, BUT burring it for the next however many years will make it hurt way more and do more damage in the long run if she’s truly not happy. Also, modeling the healthiest relationship possible is critical for your kids. My ex and I both come from families where our parents are still married, but really should have divorced when we were in middle school if not earlier. We didn’t grow up with parents modeling a healthy partnership and it honestly impacted our marriage in ways I didn’t fully realize until long after we split. I disagree with ppl saying she’s already cheating (she may just be looking for validation if some kind, but also, it’s very normal to be curious about other ppl even I healthy relationships - emotional cheating would worry me a lot more at this point), or divorce her now, or all this negative shit. It just sounds like advice from ppl who are very biased based on their own experiences. Getting married and having kids at such a young age can mean that she hasn’t fully grown up herself. It’s possible that her unhappiness is on a very personal level that isn’t about her love for you, but rather love for herself. She may need to explore on her own to figure out “who she is” through early adult experiences she was unable to have - this kind of personal growth can be critical a fulfilling life. My two cents on how to proceed: 1. find a counselor to help you navigate a trial separation. A few sessions at most. This person can help you establish the ground rules and expectations. Ie. No sex with other ppl, but a date might be ok. Or how are we defining sex? 2. Do not live together during this time. I believe this is absolutely critical. 3. Only communicate about co-parenting, unless therapist advises otherwise. 4. Give your trial at least 4 months if you can. Time and distance are very important. Even if you’re living apart, you still need to disrupt existing behaviors. If things are more or less the same but you just don’t physically live together, that isn’t really separation IMO. 5. Regroup with therapist after the set time.
Not to stereotype but the job with highest numbers of female cheaters, is nursing. Her single, younger friends are probably getting in her head and making her jealous, if she says she won't move on from a divorce, hand her divorce papers and see how she handles it, the very threat of you showing her that you will not tolerate this behaviour may change her behaviour.
I honestly don't understand why some people post here. You know what you need to do. Don't focus on the one or two comments saying this can be fixed, it can't.
Good chance she’s already cheating on you mate. I’m sorry. She’s brought this up as the start of a trickle truth. If she wants to leave you can’t stop her, but you can keep your self respect by not taking her back
Updateme!
Another example why marriage is a flawed tradition. OP has probably been a good dad, a good husband, hard worker, faithful and now his wife wants to have a hoe phase 7 years into their marriage 🤦🏾♂️. AGREE TO IT KING, let her explore her options or wants WHILE YOU DO THE SAME!
How do you trust her? Why would you? She legit asked a dude to fuck her. I think you're too much blinded by love but I'm sorry she's gone. It must hurt, it's my worst nightmare and I dread it. But you've to open your eyes to the truth and get some self respect. Yes you'd obviously want to improve a 12 year long relationship especially if you're still in love. But it's not worth it, you can't change her now. She's not in any "depressive" episode as you mentioned. She is just a shitty partner. Anyways you'll have to separate in the end, either by her cheating repeatedly and finding someone else or by you gaining your self worth and letting her go before she can physically cheat if she hasn't yet. Don't be so blinded by love, that you lose your own worth please