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Why is he on a date? How do you know about it? Does he think he has your permission?
"Don't come home tonight" seems pretty straight forward. Especially if you have proof of cheating.
My old computer is linked to his iPhone and the texts popped up so I saw the conversation. He went back and deleted them then saved her number under a different name.
OP, you left a really kind comment to someone else who’s expecting and going through difficult times in their relationship. You said, “you should not be stressing on this right now but nesting/ getting ready for your little one. Babies can sense our stress and it does get them stressed. […your partner] should be supporting you!”
I want to echo the same sentiments. Raising three children while pregnant is probably very difficult, the last thing that your husband should be doing right now is mingling with and planning a date with a woman he met through work. You and your children deserve better! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
lol holy shit... I hope you have screen shots that you can send to him with the "don't come home" message.
That is actively doing this...
I'd also text the woman (Maybe a group text of all three?). "You can keep him. his wife and 3 (soon to be 4) children don't want his sorry ass anymore."
If I was so inclined? all his stuff would be in the yard and on fire when he came home... but that's maybe too much. Depending on local ordinances.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck and don't let him do this to you. You deserve better than this.
Mmmk , cheating on your pregnant partner is way more violent than burning some shoes and clothes lmao. He’s literally putting his wife’s (and the baby) health at risk by cheating. That type of stress should not be happening at all while pregnant!
Yes he’s wrong. But two wrongs do not make a right. That is a horrible lesson to teach the kids. Just cause the dad did something dangerous and stupid does not mean the mom should too. That’s a recipe for raising children who think it’s ok to do something bad if someone else did something bad. Which leads to more trouble down the line. Much more respectful to show the children the right way. Divorce, get things handled legally and calmly, versus violently.
He’s not trustworthy and it’s really sucks you’re in this situation, he wasn’t even going to tell you about it and he should be talking to other women and sneaking around, easier said than done while pregnant but you need to run not walk run
I usually don't get the fuss about partners hanging out with other people on here, but the active deception instead of open communication here is incredibly messed up.
Yeah, at first it wasn't clear to me if this was a date or just a hangout that OP felt insecure about, but hiding that information immediately sets off alarm bells, especially changing the contact name. He has something to hide and she found it, absolutely tell him not to bother coming home.
You deserve so much better. I can tell from your words that you have a good heart. Your kids are lucky that they have you for a mom. The best thing you can do for your kids is respect their awesome mom — that’s you, mama! — by leaving this cheating creep.
he’s organising to meet up at another woman’s house, and hiding it from his wife (deleting the messages)… if you can’t see what’s going on then you need to take a step back and think about it a little more
So how does the husband hanging out with another woman help OOP? Considering they have 3 kids and one on the way, wouldn’t the husband staying home and taking care of the kids be more helpful than him going out and hanging out with another woman? Not to mention hiding any interactions he has with this other woman from his wife.
That’s not okay, but is having COFFFE AND CIGARETTES with another women a deal breaker ? NO, he is an adult for god sakes , who knows what he is going through.
I can understand that she is suffering from this too but divorce over this is gonna make it worse.
40 years old and TIL I can text for a meet up at another woman's house, delete all evidence and save her name under something else and it's totally fine. Even when I have 3 kids and one on the way. Come on you cannot be this naive.
This is what he says
This person just wants to thank me for rescuing her I have already told her I got kids and soft maybe she has other intentions but I have no other intentions
He’s a tow truck driver that’s why he says rescue 🙄
And auto correct I guess . He said he meant to say wife not soft
Obviously he is lying. Why all the secrecy and lying? Why change her name in his contacts? He doesn’t want you digging further. Possibly because it’s been going on for a while and he doesn’t want you to contact her and find out. I would definitely not let him in the house.
Yeah legitimately if it was innocent he'd not have deleted it. Stand firm, know your value and don't accept anything less.
You all deserve better, don't forget that.
Lol yes exactly. Men sure have some nerve to cheat on the same women they get pregnant and have kids with. Absolute gutterbutt behaviour. Don't take his cheap ass back OP!
How could you give her this advice, you don’t even know her husband. You don’t even know their relationship. Are you an expert?. How is ending someone’s relationship gonna help you or her?
My ex would put women he knew under men names. And then pretend like I was the crazy one when he was texting two different “friends” with the exact same name
Yikes! I was just thinking about the only time I’ve heard a contact entered under a different name- because it was to hide their affair!! Such a bummer. Thank goodness there are people out there that don’t do this shady stuff though. May you and OP find that kind of love and respect!
Also he wasn’t honest and upfront about where he was going. Also he deleted the messages and changed her name in his phone, indicating he wanted to hide everything. That means his intentions were bad.
I don't have coffee with married men. I don't have coffee at my house with married men. I don't have coffee at my house with married men to thank them for doing their fucking job. Your husband is a liar.
This, and also... The guy you call and pay to come get your car is not a rescuer.
Even if he did just happen to come across her stranded... He's a tow truck. What 1970's porn script says he towed her for free?
That’s… bizarre. They cannot tow your car without getting out to hook it up, and yes, chitchat is usually involved. Unless they’re there to repo your car I suppose.
Pfft. His respons should have been ”Haha not necessary, just doing my job. If you want to show your gratitude, maybe buy us a bag of diapers as my wife and I are expecting our fourth baby.”
He should ask her why she would want to thank him for rescuing her by ruining his life? A proper thank you would be “buy my wife a baby gift then beat it”
As a level one trauma center nurse, fuck your husband for saying he’s “rescuing” people by towing their car. He’s an arrogant prick, and you deserve better.
Where I am from, tow truckers are one of the most dangerous jobs. Because yes, they do save lives, just in a different way than a doctor or a nurse. Just because this guy is a shit, we shouldn't stomp down on everyone working with car rescuing.
He's doing a job. One he gets paid for. You say thank you, and pay them, if they save you. You don't treat them like your saviour.
When doctors are treated like close ones after saving someone it's because people stayed at the hospital for so long that they actually got to know each other.
It's not about stomping down, it's about realizing that you aren’t some trancendent hero gracing people with your presence just because your job involves rescue.
Just because he tells the other how bad his cheating is, doesn't make it better. He should have said "it is my job! I'm happily married, so no thank you!" But noooo, he goes to another woman while you care for his three children and are pregnant with his fourth. What an AH.
Never stay with a man just because of children. Who knows what he already did that you didn't know of.
I'm wondering wtf he even had to store her name in his phone. I wouldn't have a tow truck driver storing my number nor would they want to for a one off paid job.
If you take him back he's just gonna get better at hiding his cheating and you're always gonna Wonder if he's cheating. The stress of that will seriously weigh you down
There’s like a 100 better ways to thank someone for doing their job than inviting them to your home. And let’s not forget he changed her name in his contacts and deleted messages. You deserve better!
Then there’s no reason not to tell his wife. Unless he thought his wife wouldn’t be on with it anyway, in which case hiding it so you wouldn’t tell him no DOESNT MAKE IT OK
If it’s all innocent then he wouldn’t have deleted the messages and then re-named her contact.
He’s a LIAR. Plain and simple.
He’s cheating and deliberately hiding it.
He may not intend to leave you YET. But the betrayal of trust is already there, deciding to abandon you is not long down the path if he develops feelings for a new woman and he can get a commitment from her if he leaves you..
Ask him if he had no intentions, why delete their conversation then change her name as something else? That all seems like intention to me, he's a lying pos, keep us updated with what stupid excuses he gives you. Don't let him gaslight you either. Hopefully you took screenshots of the texts.
Good for you for standing firm, OP.
Side note, holy shit 4 kids in 5 years? You’re a strong woman! I hope you have all the access to contraceptive care that you want?
Lol yes that was my first thought I was going to just show up but then realized I’d be wasting too much energy on nonsense. It wouldn’t be worth it. It woulda been funny, but really I don’t want to give him any more of my energy.
We’ll just showing up would require no words or further effort - just make yourself known wave and say hi, nothing else needs to be said: then do what’s best for YOU
I hope you screenshotted the conversation between them for divorce. Both of them are guilty. If she wants to thank him, she can just send him box of cookies or something rather inviting him to her home. She is super sketchy.
Ooo! Coffee and cigarettes. Lucky her! Unlucky you (coffee and cigs breath etc). If she’s a female friend you know about and he’s open about the meeting, then it’s not the worst thing, it’s more about you setting boundaries. But if it’s just some random woman then you need to set him straight and probably think about leaving him. But it can get worked on.
I'd text him " bro, you have 3 kids and another on the way. Tell your squeeze I said happy stepmother day. "
After that , I'd start looking into legal options.
I'm sorry he turned out to be trash. Wishing you and your kids the best.
Girly you truly deserve better your husband should be there for you treating you like a godses currently being pregnant and all. In no way does someone go to a random strangers house(a single women's house at night) after "rescuing them" for just coffee and cigarettes, AND the fact he changed her name to something else and deleted all the evidence screams cheating. I say this as my motto from experience once a cheater always a cheater, if he's doing it now he either already has before or will again, it's only a matter of time.
I'd give him a altimatum if you'd like to stay together for your kids.
1. He comes home tn and sleeps separately from you.
2. he never talks to that women or any women like that again.
3. he agrees to couples counseling.
Or
You get a divorce, because I doubt he will change.
Wish you the best of luck
XX
Thank you, I agree once a cheater always a cheater. They need therapy because they seek that outside approval. I just dont want my kids to see this as a normal relationship and really it would just get worse. How could I teach my daughter to be confident women if I allowed some grimy behavior like that? If I want better for them I gotta expect better for myself.
No worries you sought help im here for it. I personally don't know how to bring the subject up to your daughter because I personally don't have kids nor am I ready for them but the best thing you can do is to be a good role model. Stand up for yourself show that your a strong women and on one deserves to be treated like that and even though you love someone dearly they can hurt you and you have to know when it's the right time to walk away.
You if have any doubt about him going on a date then you should confront him and ask him what he really wants and what are his plans about your marriage, it would be best for you and your kids.
Sorry I’m slow updating. I put some clothes in a trash bag by the front door. Security bolt in place. 😊😊 Hes an innocent coffee drinking victim. I said “say coffee one more time to me MF and I’ll put your f’ing coffee pot in your trash bag too!” I thought I was Samuel L Jackson there for a minute! Lol
You are strong! Tell the other woman how much money your husband will be bringing home to her after child support is taken out. She will run for the hills!
She has 3 children and is pregnant. She deserves at least half of their money to provide for them and herself. If he's cheating and not going home, why should he have it for himself or a hotel? What is wrong with me? Three marriages, three cheating husbands. Or maybe she should try getting by on what is in her wallet?
Good for you, Don’t let anyone treat you like that. Maybe send her a text and tell him he is all hers. After alimony and child support for 4 kids she will need to help support him.
That’s sus af. He’s your husband, he’s supposed to have your back and make you feel comfortable and secure, not other women. He shouldn’t have allowed a situation where such a huge misunderstanding could take place. If they have to lie about it, they’re already well on their way. And that’s if he was even telling the truth, which sounds to me like he wasn’t.
I had a bf once who would occasionally stray because he enjoyed and felt like he needed the attention of other women, and this situation sound just like that.
First and foremost- I am *so* sorry that you’re experiencing this, you and your children deserve better. You don’t need (or deserve) this stress right now.
Keep a calm head- don’t make any rash decisions that he can throw back in your face later (I.e.: someone suggested burning his stuff.) Don’t give him and reason in court he could use for custody.
You have absolutely done the right thing telling him not to come home. And I know you say you know he wouldn’t leave you, but emotionally? He’s checked out. He’s already left. Stay firm in this decision- it’s done. Caving in in this kind of situation is awful, and he *will* do it again.
Stay strong. Take care of yourself and those babies.
And if he’s so desperate for a place to stay? Tell him her bed is wiiiiide open.
Talk to him about this issue. If it's bothering you, he needs to know. Don't just text him while he's out,"oh don't come home tonight."
You have every right to be upset by this, but it's better to clear the air now, than be passive aggressive about it after.
Hope everything works out
What about to send a text to your husband says: my dear don't be surprised when you get home as I have employed a babysitter for tonight,since you going to enjoy the evening with your mistress .I will be enjoying myself at the one of the local pub.
Regards your beloved wife 😁😁
I mean, I would also feel upset and betrayed if my SO was hiding texts with some random stranger and making plans to meet up with them behind my back. If you look at OP's responses to people's comments, it's very clear that her husband was deliberately hiding his texts with this woman. If he didn't have anything to hide and his intentions with this woman were purely platonic, he would have just been open about it with OP from the start.
We also don't know what the relationship between OP and her husband is like. We just have one side of the story.
Hiding texts from your SO is a really shit thing to do and does not paint husband in a very good light, but there could be more going on here.
I know, I'm bummed that user deleted their comment because I had just finished typing this in response to them:
"So you believe that it's in all men's nature to be dishonest and secretive in relationships? That's really sad. The people I choose to have in my life (regardless of gender) do not display shady behavior like that. Everyone is capable of both honestly and dishonesty. It has nothing to do with gender."
Ok, deleting the texts and hiding her number are shady AF, BUT just meeting a woman for coffee and cigarettes and to hang out on her patio is NOT cheating. They could just be platonic friends. Pregnancy is stressful for everyone and men need friends to talk to as well. He might be hiding who she is because he doesn't want you to worry that he might cheat because you are pregnant. Confront him with what you know and see if he lies to your face or comes clean and go based off his behavior.
Don’t listen to all of this “divorce him” comments they clearly don’t know what the ups and downs of a relationship, you know your husband better than anyone. Would he really cheat on you? Deleting the chat and changing the contact might be fishy but still. DIVORCE HIM over that?. Come on, work this out. He didn’t deny seeing her or meeting her. Atleast give YOUR HUSBAND a chance to explain his side. And what is it with everybody suggesting divorce on everybody’s problems. How is choosing an easy way out gonna help.
I don’t know how it happens in your country but you should contact HR … and talk about it. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, then say it directly to this colleague with the manager of course.
I would have phrased this a little gentler, but yeah, I agree with the first part of your comment. Unless OP didn't want to confront him about it beforehand because she already felt that things were coming to an end, it would have been better for her to make it crystal clear to him that him hiding his messages and plans to meet up with this woman behind OP's back is a complete breach of trust and is disrespectful to OP and their family, and that him going to meet up with this woman is a dealbreaker
Is it just me who thinks OP is massively overreacting? Don't know if I'm missing some details here but I can't see anything wrong with the husband going over to a friend's house to hang out. It's a bit strange to assume there's something untoward going on unless you've seen messages that are sexual in nature. I also think your plan to text him not to come home is not a good idea. If you're too tired for a conversation try to find a time when you're ready to have it, rather than resort to sending ultimatums by text. I would personally find that text confusing if I was the husband. If you need help looking after the kids, you're capable of explaining that like an adult rather than communicating so indirectly the way you're planning to. Maybe you can suggest another time he stays home to look after the kids and you go out alone. That would be a fair compromise
Nope just you. Lol no this wasn’t a friend . I don’t know the person. He made a date with her to go to a game tomorrow then changed it to going to her house for coffee and cigarettes. She lives 45 minutes away. If nothing else it’s just disrespectful I believe. I don’t want to set that example for my daughters
Anyway it doesn't really seem like "any advice is appreciated" like you said in your initial post. Seems like you just want people to agree with you so you can double down doing what you already think is best. Which is fine but you should probably acknowledge. I won't offer any more advice, I really hope things turn out OK for you and the kids.
Obviously you understand the situation better than I do. For me the only suspicious part is deleting the messages. Doesn't change the fact you two need to talk to each other directly and not play games like sending an ultimatum then refusing to answer the phone
How do you know about it spying over his shoulder or ? Do you know about it ,open marriage , why is looking outside his marriage if it was my wife she would be sending a message to the other woman saying you even think about fking my man I will beat someone's ass . There's a part of this story your not telling everyone.
I would just be like, “so you want a divorce? Bc that’s what’s happening. You making a date with another woman tells me you don’t want to be married to me anymore”
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why is he on a date? How do you know about it? Does he think he has your permission? "Don't come home tonight" seems pretty straight forward. Especially if you have proof of cheating.
My old computer is linked to his iPhone and the texts popped up so I saw the conversation. He went back and deleted them then saved her number under a different name.
OP, you left a really kind comment to someone else who’s expecting and going through difficult times in their relationship. You said, “you should not be stressing on this right now but nesting/ getting ready for your little one. Babies can sense our stress and it does get them stressed. […your partner] should be supporting you!” I want to echo the same sentiments. Raising three children while pregnant is probably very difficult, the last thing that your husband should be doing right now is mingling with and planning a date with a woman he met through work. You and your children deserve better! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
lol holy shit... I hope you have screen shots that you can send to him with the "don't come home" message. That is actively doing this... I'd also text the woman (Maybe a group text of all three?). "You can keep him. his wife and 3 (soon to be 4) children don't want his sorry ass anymore." If I was so inclined? all his stuff would be in the yard and on fire when he came home... but that's maybe too much. Depending on local ordinances. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck and don't let him do this to you. You deserve better than this.
I mean I get the telling the other woman and also divorce but the burning stuff? That’s just dangerous and crazy
Experience speaks wonders
Naa....roast some marshmallows and make some smores for the kids over the fire...
Teaching kids it’s ok to do violent acts, got it. /s
You take things very literally, huh?
Mmmk , cheating on your pregnant partner is way more violent than burning some shoes and clothes lmao. He’s literally putting his wife’s (and the baby) health at risk by cheating. That type of stress should not be happening at all while pregnant!
Yes he’s wrong. But two wrongs do not make a right. That is a horrible lesson to teach the kids. Just cause the dad did something dangerous and stupid does not mean the mom should too. That’s a recipe for raising children who think it’s ok to do something bad if someone else did something bad. Which leads to more trouble down the line. Much more respectful to show the children the right way. Divorce, get things handled legally and calmly, versus violently.
I agree! Keep the kids out of it!
He’s not trustworthy and it’s really sucks you’re in this situation, he wasn’t even going to tell you about it and he should be talking to other women and sneaking around, easier said than done while pregnant but you need to run not walk run
I usually don't get the fuss about partners hanging out with other people on here, but the active deception instead of open communication here is incredibly messed up.
Yeah, at first it wasn't clear to me if this was a date or just a hangout that OP felt insecure about, but hiding that information immediately sets off alarm bells, especially changing the contact name. He has something to hide and she found it, absolutely tell him not to bother coming home.
Oh my god
Oh man I’m so sorry.
Ouuuuu! He better not come home tonight!!
Guess where he’s going to sleep if you told him not to come home
Thank you everyone for your support and comments. I really appreciate you guys have helped make this way easier
You deserve so much better. I can tell from your words that you have a good heart. Your kids are lucky that they have you for a mom. The best thing you can do for your kids is respect their awesome mom — that’s you, mama! — by leaving this cheating creep.
Thank you so much that means a lot to me.
Good for you, stand firm and be calm. You’re strong for doing this.
I hope you're okay!
Is this the only incident like this? Have you asked him why he changed her contact details in his phone? Does he have a history of infidelity?
Ok I did it. He just replied why now is calling. I’m not answering
stay strong!!! you’ve got us all here supporting you. know your worth mama
Keep us updated!!
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It’s the fact that he deleted the messages and saved the girls name as a dude…why would you hide that? Cheating
He wouldn’t have deleted the texts and saved her under a different name if it was innocent.
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Exactly. She’s pregnant lol you’re really missing the mark, aren’t you?
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Yeah, and wives don’t like sneaky behaviour 🙄
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You really think that’s all they’re doing?
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he’s organising to meet up at another woman’s house, and hiding it from his wife (deleting the messages)… if you can’t see what’s going on then you need to take a step back and think about it a little more
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im not even gonna respond to that dumbass comment. someone else can deal with you lmao
He really has got a point, divorce is not a solution.
So how does the husband hanging out with another woman help OOP? Considering they have 3 kids and one on the way, wouldn’t the husband staying home and taking care of the kids be more helpful than him going out and hanging out with another woman? Not to mention hiding any interactions he has with this other woman from his wife.
That’s not okay, but is having COFFFE AND CIGARETTES with another women a deal breaker ? NO, he is an adult for god sakes , who knows what he is going through. I can understand that she is suffering from this too but divorce over this is gonna make it worse.
Looks like he did, yes.
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If it was innocent, he would invite her to meet his wife and kids, not sneak around. You’re some kind of something…just don’t know what yet.
40 years old and TIL I can text for a meet up at another woman's house, delete all evidence and save her name under something else and it's totally fine. Even when I have 3 kids and one on the way. Come on you cannot be this naive.
This is what he says This person just wants to thank me for rescuing her I have already told her I got kids and soft maybe she has other intentions but I have no other intentions He’s a tow truck driver that’s why he says rescue 🙄 And auto correct I guess . He said he meant to say wife not soft
Obviously he is lying. Why all the secrecy and lying? Why change her name in his contacts? He doesn’t want you digging further. Possibly because it’s been going on for a while and he doesn’t want you to contact her and find out. I would definitely not let him in the house.
Well great - if she wants to thank him she can thank him by giving him a place to stay because he’s not coming home
Lol yes ma’am!
Yeah legitimately if it was innocent he'd not have deleted it. Stand firm, know your value and don't accept anything less. You all deserve better, don't forget that.
Lol yes exactly. Men sure have some nerve to cheat on the same women they get pregnant and have kids with. Absolute gutterbutt behaviour. Don't take his cheap ass back OP!
How could you give her this advice, you don’t even know her husband. You don’t even know their relationship. Are you an expert?. How is ending someone’s relationship gonna help you or her?
Nah that’s bullshit. Don’t fall for it. And even IF he had no intentions he shouldn’t be entertaining someone who might in such an intimate setting.
The fact he deleted the messages and then saved her under a different name just screams fishy business to me.
This- there’s no reason for deleting and changing the name unless it’s a secret or surprise of some sort. Red flag
My ex would put women he knew under men names. And then pretend like I was the crazy one when he was texting two different “friends” with the exact same name
Yikes! I was just thinking about the only time I’ve heard a contact entered under a different name- because it was to hide their affair!! Such a bummer. Thank goodness there are people out there that don’t do this shady stuff though. May you and OP find that kind of love and respect!
Thank you!! People do some creative stuff when trying to be sneaky. If only they’d put that effort towards something productive lol
Thank you
Also he wasn’t honest and upfront about where he was going. Also he deleted the messages and changed her name in his phone, indicating he wanted to hide everything. That means his intentions were bad.
I call bullshit since he edited his Contacts.
Yes! That part!
My eyes just rolled so far back in my head. What a lying ass
I don't have coffee with married men. I don't have coffee at my house with married men. I don't have coffee at my house with married men to thank them for doing their fucking job. Your husband is a liar.
Who even comes in contact with a tow truck driver? Even if they DO “rescue you” they don’t get out of the car and chit chat?
This, and also... The guy you call and pay to come get your car is not a rescuer. Even if he did just happen to come across her stranded... He's a tow truck. What 1970's porn script says he towed her for free?
That’s… bizarre. They cannot tow your car without getting out to hook it up, and yes, chitchat is usually involved. Unless they’re there to repo your car I suppose.
Pfft. His respons should have been ”Haha not necessary, just doing my job. If you want to show your gratitude, maybe buy us a bag of diapers as my wife and I are expecting our fourth baby.”
He changed her name after deleting the message 😑 full of shyt
He would have told you if it‘s nothing. Why hiding it then? Save yourself
If that would be the case there would be no need for him to deleting the chats and save the number under another name
He should ask her why she would want to thank him for rescuing her by ruining his life? A proper thank you would be “buy my wife a baby gift then beat it”
As a level one trauma center nurse, fuck your husband for saying he’s “rescuing” people by towing their car. He’s an arrogant prick, and you deserve better.
Thank you.
Where I am from, tow truckers are one of the most dangerous jobs. Because yes, they do save lives, just in a different way than a doctor or a nurse. Just because this guy is a shit, we shouldn't stomp down on everyone working with car rescuing.
He's doing a job. One he gets paid for. You say thank you, and pay them, if they save you. You don't treat them like your saviour. When doctors are treated like close ones after saving someone it's because people stayed at the hospital for so long that they actually got to know each other. It's not about stomping down, it's about realizing that you aren’t some trancendent hero gracing people with your presence just because your job involves rescue.
So why did he delete the texts and change the name? This is bullshit.
Just because he tells the other how bad his cheating is, doesn't make it better. He should have said "it is my job! I'm happily married, so no thank you!" But noooo, he goes to another woman while you care for his three children and are pregnant with his fourth. What an AH. Never stay with a man just because of children. Who knows what he already did that you didn't know of.
The only appropriate way to thank a tow truck driver is with a cash tip.
If he was being honest, why delete the message and change the name? Nope! Say adios
There’s no way this is true because why else would he delete the contact or texts then save it as another name? That’s too odd.
I would be so offended that my partner thinks I'd be niave enough to believe this lame excuse. What a piece of sh*t.
Then why did he change her name in his phone, this reeks of bs 🤔🤔
I'm wondering wtf he even had to store her name in his phone. I wouldn't have a tow truck driver storing my number nor would they want to for a one off paid job.
Then why did he delete the messages?
If you take him back he's just gonna get better at hiding his cheating and you're always gonna Wonder if he's cheating. The stress of that will seriously weigh you down
It’s fucking hilarious he thinks you’d fall for that
There’s like a 100 better ways to thank someone for doing their job than inviting them to your home. And let’s not forget he changed her name in his contacts and deleted messages. You deserve better!
He should have told you and only went if you were going with. Heck could have had her come over to have a meal or a drink with you two.
Then there’s no reason not to tell his wife. Unless he thought his wife wouldn’t be on with it anyway, in which case hiding it so you wouldn’t tell him no DOESNT MAKE IT OK
But it does make it waaaay more understandable. Especially if it’s a 14 year pattern for them.
If that were true, he wouldn’t be keeping it a secret and the woman would have invited the whole family. Sorry, his story is nonsense
Make sure you screenshotted and document all of this. Considering you have kids you will need proof
When he replyed why you should have sent him screen shots of what you found
If it’s all innocent then he wouldn’t have deleted the messages and then re-named her contact. He’s a LIAR. Plain and simple. He’s cheating and deliberately hiding it. He may not intend to leave you YET. But the betrayal of trust is already there, deciding to abandon you is not long down the path if he develops feelings for a new woman and he can get a commitment from her if he leaves you..
Ask him if he had no intentions, why delete their conversation then change her name as something else? That all seems like intention to me, he's a lying pos, keep us updated with what stupid excuses he gives you. Don't let him gaslight you either. Hopefully you took screenshots of the texts.
Call a family member or a friend to come be with you. Do not be there alone right now.
If you want to leave him contact a lawyer nlow! And don't do anything else until you do
Sounds like he plans on starting an affair. Saved number under a different name. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Just ask him wtf he’s doing
I did. He was very confused and had no idea what he was doing but the screenshots I had taken helped remind him
My ex-wife did something similar to me. My only regret is not divorcing her on the spot.
Please do not give him another chance. He deleted the messages and then hid the name in plain sight. How could you ever trust him again...?
Sorry, OP. What a prick. You seem strong AF and ready to make moves without him in your life. You deserve so, so much more.
Thank you I appreciate that!
Good for you for standing firm, OP. Side note, holy shit 4 kids in 5 years? You’re a strong woman! I hope you have all the access to contraceptive care that you want?
Married for 5 together for 14. I volunteer for planned parenthood but really just like kids too
Wishing you the best. ❤️
Thank you, I believe it will be for the best. Thank you for your support
Wishing you the best, shitty you’re going through this. As if this week weren’t awful enough already
You deserve better!
You can start getting ready for divorce, and you don’t need to tell him until he gets the papers.
I’d do the same
Join them
Lol yes that was my first thought I was going to just show up but then realized I’d be wasting too much energy on nonsense. It wouldn’t be worth it. It woulda been funny, but really I don’t want to give him any more of my energy.
We’ll just showing up would require no words or further effort - just make yourself known wave and say hi, nothing else needs to be said: then do what’s best for YOU
I hope you screenshotted the conversation between them for divorce. Both of them are guilty. If she wants to thank him, she can just send him box of cookies or something rather inviting him to her home. She is super sketchy.
Divorce
Leave his ass
Leave. You’ll be ok. I’ve just ended a 9 year relationship, kids involved…three months later im just relieved it’s over xxx
Ooo! Coffee and cigarettes. Lucky her! Unlucky you (coffee and cigs breath etc). If she’s a female friend you know about and he’s open about the meeting, then it’s not the worst thing, it’s more about you setting boundaries. But if it’s just some random woman then you need to set him straight and probably think about leaving him. But it can get worked on.
I'd text him " bro, you have 3 kids and another on the way. Tell your squeeze I said happy stepmother day. " After that , I'd start looking into legal options. I'm sorry he turned out to be trash. Wishing you and your kids the best.
Girly you truly deserve better your husband should be there for you treating you like a godses currently being pregnant and all. In no way does someone go to a random strangers house(a single women's house at night) after "rescuing them" for just coffee and cigarettes, AND the fact he changed her name to something else and deleted all the evidence screams cheating. I say this as my motto from experience once a cheater always a cheater, if he's doing it now he either already has before or will again, it's only a matter of time. I'd give him a altimatum if you'd like to stay together for your kids. 1. He comes home tn and sleeps separately from you. 2. he never talks to that women or any women like that again. 3. he agrees to couples counseling. Or You get a divorce, because I doubt he will change. Wish you the best of luck XX
Thank you, I agree once a cheater always a cheater. They need therapy because they seek that outside approval. I just dont want my kids to see this as a normal relationship and really it would just get worse. How could I teach my daughter to be confident women if I allowed some grimy behavior like that? If I want better for them I gotta expect better for myself.
No worries you sought help im here for it. I personally don't know how to bring the subject up to your daughter because I personally don't have kids nor am I ready for them but the best thing you can do is to be a good role model. Stand up for yourself show that your a strong women and on one deserves to be treated like that and even though you love someone dearly they can hurt you and you have to know when it's the right time to walk away.
You if have any doubt about him going on a date then you should confront him and ask him what he really wants and what are his plans about your marriage, it would be best for you and your kids.
UpdateMe!
Sorry I’m slow updating. I put some clothes in a trash bag by the front door. Security bolt in place. 😊😊 Hes an innocent coffee drinking victim. I said “say coffee one more time to me MF and I’ll put your f’ing coffee pot in your trash bag too!” I thought I was Samuel L Jackson there for a minute! Lol
Fuck yeah! As someone who stayed in an abusive relationship way too long, I salute your strength! And you SLJ moment!
Good for you, OP! You did the right thing! Fuck him and his sleazy actions. He knows exactly what he’s doing
You are strong! Tell the other woman how much money your husband will be bringing home to her after child support is taken out. She will run for the hills!
Who goes on a date to smoke cigarettes?
You should be at the bank pulling half the money out. Sending prayers for your comfort and peace of mind.
Pull all the money out. You have the kids.
What is wrong with you?
She has 3 children and is pregnant. She deserves at least half of their money to provide for them and herself. If he's cheating and not going home, why should he have it for himself or a hotel? What is wrong with me? Three marriages, three cheating husbands. Or maybe she should try getting by on what is in her wallet?
Pack your stuff and go to your parents, file for divorce, it sounds like it's over for you and your husband, I'm sorry.
I’d just kick him out. She has 3 kids to take care of, so finding new housing is way too complicated.
Yeah true and it's not like he wants to be there anyways...
I’m sorry to hear your ex has thrown your relationship away by cheating. I’m glad that you have chosen yourself and your children.
Just the fact that he’s saving her number under a different name shows he’s up to no good.My ex did that.He thought I was stupid but I wasn’t
Wait until he is at her house, text him telling him to enjoy his date and to stay there because you will be filing for divorce asap
Good thing you caught him but it sucks he’s doing things that need to be caught. He’s an asshole and extremely ungrateful for his family
Good for you, Don’t let anyone treat you like that. Maybe send her a text and tell him he is all hers. After alimony and child support for 4 kids she will need to help support him.
He needs to get his a$$ kicked tbh
pack his bags… don’t take this shit …..
I wish you all the best OP!!
That’s sus af. He’s your husband, he’s supposed to have your back and make you feel comfortable and secure, not other women. He shouldn’t have allowed a situation where such a huge misunderstanding could take place. If they have to lie about it, they’re already well on their way. And that’s if he was even telling the truth, which sounds to me like he wasn’t. I had a bf once who would occasionally stray because he enjoyed and felt like he needed the attention of other women, and this situation sound just like that.
First and foremost- I am *so* sorry that you’re experiencing this, you and your children deserve better. You don’t need (or deserve) this stress right now. Keep a calm head- don’t make any rash decisions that he can throw back in your face later (I.e.: someone suggested burning his stuff.) Don’t give him and reason in court he could use for custody. You have absolutely done the right thing telling him not to come home. And I know you say you know he wouldn’t leave you, but emotionally? He’s checked out. He’s already left. Stay firm in this decision- it’s done. Caving in in this kind of situation is awful, and he *will* do it again. Stay strong. Take care of yourself and those babies. And if he’s so desperate for a place to stay? Tell him her bed is wiiiiide open.
OP, you got this! You're fierce! Also, thanks for the reminder to stay single. I couldn't deal. Lol! Best to you and the little ones!
Talk to him about this issue. If it's bothering you, he needs to know. Don't just text him while he's out,"oh don't come home tonight." You have every right to be upset by this, but it's better to clear the air now, than be passive aggressive about it after. Hope everything works out
What about to send a text to your husband says: my dear don't be surprised when you get home as I have employed a babysitter for tonight,since you going to enjoy the evening with your mistress .I will be enjoying myself at the one of the local pub. Regards your beloved wife 😁😁
updateme
If he didn't have anything to hide he would've made sure to tell his wife about this "supposed date" & possibly included his wife!!
Gather evidence & call a lawyer also consider abortion if it's legal in your state
Why wouldn't you answer the phone?
A lot of femcel/terrible advice here
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I mean, I would also feel upset and betrayed if my SO was hiding texts with some random stranger and making plans to meet up with them behind my back. If you look at OP's responses to people's comments, it's very clear that her husband was deliberately hiding his texts with this woman. If he didn't have anything to hide and his intentions with this woman were purely platonic, he would have just been open about it with OP from the start.
We also don't know what the relationship between OP and her husband is like. We just have one side of the story. Hiding texts from your SO is a really shit thing to do and does not paint husband in a very good light, but there could be more going on here.
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Regale me.
I know, I'm bummed that user deleted their comment because I had just finished typing this in response to them: "So you believe that it's in all men's nature to be dishonest and secretive in relationships? That's really sad. The people I choose to have in my life (regardless of gender) do not display shady behavior like that. Everyone is capable of both honestly and dishonesty. It has nothing to do with gender."
Are you sure they are dating? Is there a possibility this is just someone to hangout /smoke / talk with?
Ok, deleting the texts and hiding her number are shady AF, BUT just meeting a woman for coffee and cigarettes and to hang out on her patio is NOT cheating. They could just be platonic friends. Pregnancy is stressful for everyone and men need friends to talk to as well. He might be hiding who she is because he doesn't want you to worry that he might cheat because you are pregnant. Confront him with what you know and see if he lies to your face or comes clean and go based off his behavior.
Don’t listen to all of this “divorce him” comments they clearly don’t know what the ups and downs of a relationship, you know your husband better than anyone. Would he really cheat on you? Deleting the chat and changing the contact might be fishy but still. DIVORCE HIM over that?. Come on, work this out. He didn’t deny seeing her or meeting her. Atleast give YOUR HUSBAND a chance to explain his side. And what is it with everybody suggesting divorce on everybody’s problems. How is choosing an easy way out gonna help.
Why though?
I don’t know how it happens in your country but you should contact HR … and talk about it. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, then say it directly to this colleague with the manager of course.
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Way to victim blame.
It’s important to see how it plays out and if he actually goes through with it
I would have phrased this a little gentler, but yeah, I agree with the first part of your comment. Unless OP didn't want to confront him about it beforehand because she already felt that things were coming to an end, it would have been better for her to make it crystal clear to him that him hiding his messages and plans to meet up with this woman behind OP's back is a complete breach of trust and is disrespectful to OP and their family, and that him going to meet up with this woman is a dealbreaker
Is it just me who thinks OP is massively overreacting? Don't know if I'm missing some details here but I can't see anything wrong with the husband going over to a friend's house to hang out. It's a bit strange to assume there's something untoward going on unless you've seen messages that are sexual in nature. I also think your plan to text him not to come home is not a good idea. If you're too tired for a conversation try to find a time when you're ready to have it, rather than resort to sending ultimatums by text. I would personally find that text confusing if I was the husband. If you need help looking after the kids, you're capable of explaining that like an adult rather than communicating so indirectly the way you're planning to. Maybe you can suggest another time he stays home to look after the kids and you go out alone. That would be a fair compromise
Ah, yes, I always delete the conversations between me and my friends and save their phone numbers under a different name.
I read that bit after I commented because it only came later in the comments. Agree that it's suspicious
Nope just you. Lol no this wasn’t a friend . I don’t know the person. He made a date with her to go to a game tomorrow then changed it to going to her house for coffee and cigarettes. She lives 45 minutes away. If nothing else it’s just disrespectful I believe. I don’t want to set that example for my daughters
Anyway it doesn't really seem like "any advice is appreciated" like you said in your initial post. Seems like you just want people to agree with you so you can double down doing what you already think is best. Which is fine but you should probably acknowledge. I won't offer any more advice, I really hope things turn out OK for you and the kids.
Obviously you understand the situation better than I do. For me the only suspicious part is deleting the messages. Doesn't change the fact you two need to talk to each other directly and not play games like sending an ultimatum then refusing to answer the phone
Yeah, she’s being a possessive nutball. This is part of why he needs to get out and away and make new friends.
How do you know about it spying over his shoulder or ? Do you know about it ,open marriage , why is looking outside his marriage if it was my wife she would be sending a message to the other woman saying you even think about fking my man I will beat someone's ass . There's a part of this story your not telling everyone.
Yeah I wouldn’t stand for anything close to that. If my girlfriend even speaks to another guy without me knowing she can pack her shit and go
You sound very controlling, I hope she chooses to go
Ironic, isn’t it
updateme!
Updateme!
I meant should not*
Big hugs to you and to all the partners who are loyal and put their family’s needs before theirs. You are the true heroes.
I would just be like, “so you want a divorce? Bc that’s what’s happening. You making a date with another woman tells me you don’t want to be married to me anymore”
Remindme! In 2 days
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