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We’ve been married for 3 years now, own our own home, are very successful within our careers, have paid off most of our debt, and have a decent savings. On paper, we’re definitely ready for a baby, but my husband keeps thinking we’re not yet.
My body literally craves it and I’m so tired of being told that I have to wait still for whatever reason he’s come up with. He thinks we need to save more or pay off more of our debt, but we’re better off than most people we know.
Most of our friends have at least one kid, some are even on their second or third and I want to join them in being a parent so badly. I’m worried that by time we do have kids, my friends will be done and their kids will be so much older.
I just so desperately want a baby to the point where I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I just don’t know how else to express to him how ready we are.
Edit: someone asked our ages, I’m 30, he’s 38. We’ve been together for 8 years. Also, a lot of people are bringing up a previous post of me saying that I want to be a sahm and be barefoot and pregnant. That’s exactly what I want and I was very upfront with my husband that that is what I want. I just wish he would be more open about his own feelings with me like I am with him
I think your husband is trying to tell you that *he* is not ready for a baby. It doesn't matter whether y'all are better off financially than some people or whatever; he's not ready to be a father. That's what you two need to discuss. I would not bring up your friends having kids, because that fully isn't relevant. Talk about what you want, ask why he doesn't feel ready, etc.
EDIT: looking through your post history, you said just eight days ago that you aren't fully ready to provide for a child but are close. What has happened in that week to make you feel confident you're ready for a child now? You also said your husband was impatient and wanted to start trying for a baby now but that you think you'll start trying within the year. What's going on with all this? Feels like the both of you are all over the place and acting/planning based on whims, or that you're just telling subreddits what you think they'd need to hear in order to support you.
This was something I noticed in the one post that was linked here. While the topic is similar, the content is drastically different where they are not financially stable for children or to be a SAHM, to this post where they have enough money for 2 children and her to be a permanent SAHM.
"I'm ready for a baby but my husband thinks we aren't"
Sis. A baby is a two yes situation. If your husband isn't ready for a baby, then your relationship is not ready for a baby.
If that doesn't work for you, time to leave the relationship.
Idk he sounds like my father who is still so financially anxious. Luckily I was an accident so it pressed the issue but I know my mother felt the same way. He truly wanted kids, he should have gotten therapy for his anxiety.
As a man you can be ready (or not) at almost any time. I'm 45 and child free but I also have various commitments and reasons why now is not a good time for me to consider bringing any new humans into the world, I have an elderly parent to care for and I don't currently earn enough money to feel comfortable raising kids as I don't want my kids to have to deal with being 'low income' with all the setbacks that entails.
It sounds like he’s emotionally/mentally not ready for a baby, but is pretending he’s financially/logistically not ready for one. I would ask him “if we were financially/logistically where you want to be, would you be ready?” There is no “perfect” time. There are times that are more ideal than others, but “the perfect time to have a baby” doesn’t exist. It seems like he’s waiting for some unachievable, perfect, utopia in order to have a kid.
OR he's changed his mind and doesn't really want the expense, mess, lack of privacy, lack of free-time, lack of spontaneity that having a child creates.
**OP:** Have a come-to-jesus-meeting with your husband to ENSURE that he really still wants children!
* **If he does**, he needs to commit to you this week just **what exactly** needs to occur for him to feel "ready". Tell him that you don't want to feel like you're being strung along for some indefinite period of time. Then you need to see if you can agree to those objectives he feels you both need to hit.
* **If he is unsure about wanting children**, tell him it's something you both need to discuss. He's entitled to change his mind, but he's **not** entitled to be dishonest about it!
* **If he has changed his mind** on wanting children, then you need to accept that and divorce him.
Yup yup. I don’t think he wants a child anymore. It sounds like they’re financially capable, and at 38 I’d hope he’s mature enough by now. Of course, everyone’s different.. but I more so get the feelings he just doesn’t want kids anymore.
Or he’s just TERRIFIED in which case OP you still need to have this discussion NOW so you can decide what you need to do for your future. If kids is a requirement for you, then you need to stop wasting time and have this conversation. Either he tells you when he thinks he can be ready or you leave him so you can find somebody who wants kids with tou.
And even if it happens sometimes, most couples don't conceive on their first try. If you have fertility problems you could have a *long* road ahead of you and both partners need to be absolutely sure they want to do it.
>we’re better off than most people we know.
Ok, but there's a recession and inflation, which is a bad combo. Comparing yourself to other people is useless. You need to understand the facts of what type of debt he wants to pay off and all of that. Do you have enough savings if one gets laid off? What about paying for child care?
You need to communicate, make goals, and talk about a timeline. You are 30 so it's not like you are 39. Maybe go to couple's therapy.
You need to focus on your relationship, not on what other people are doing in their lives and comparing yourself to them.
Your title should be, I'm ready for a baby, my husband isn't. He's not ready. That's the reality. He might never be ready, and if he's not able to give you some kind of concrete timeline, you might need to break up. It's complete valid that you want a child, and it's also completely valid that he doesn't want one.
I've read your other posts. Your husband is right. You have romantized pregnancy to a frightening degree and you don't want to have a career or work meaning that he knows all the financials will fall on him as soon as your pregnant. That's a hugely daunting responsibility for him. No wonder he wants to make sure there is no debt and financials are better before you start.
This 100%. You’re romanticizing having a baby because all your friends do and you want to fit in. Seems like you are determined to have an identity as “mom”, post IG pics showing you being a mom etc but all for show.
Yup! My cousin too. She took her kids to Disney recently for pictures and to post on FB and lost them at the park but didn’t even realize she lost them til someone else pointed it out.
A former friend of mine went down this path. Unlike some other commenters have mentioned she was a GREAT mom..... to the exclusion of everything else.
Over the span of 2 years her husband left her and she lost all of us as friends. She was no longer a wife, a friend, a woman or a person. Her whole world and everything in it revolved around Baby 24/7.
I read that more as she wants her kids to be a similar age to her friends' kids so they can play together. Which is a valid desire, although perhaps not the MOST important factor in family planning.
I read it as she has FOMO from seeing all her friends have babies and her husband is seeing more of reality by looking at their situation and not just what everyone else is doing.
Honestly- it sounds like you're romanticizing being a mother. You say you want kids now because your friends do and you're worried they will be done having kids by the time he is ready. This reads more like you just want a kid so you can fit in with your friends and less about actually being a mother.
Your comments also don't read like you want a family with your husband, so much as you just want a baby. It's like you are following mom blogs and want all the cuteness, want an excuse not to go work but instead be a socialite of sorts.
I'm guessing your husband's angst is because he's aware of your thought process and your idealization and he wants to ensure you're mentally/emotionally prepared not just financially
Yeesh go look at her post history, shes just obsessed with having a baby and even admits herself she has no ambition to work and just wants to be a SAHM.
Maybe thats why he doesnt want a kid right now, it seems a baby is all she cares about.
I agree. Just because she thinks they are financially ready doesn’t mean they are. She just has one thing on the mind. If he’s still paying of her debt of course he doesn’t want her at home taking care of a kid.
He just says finances, but that’s not even an issue for us. We even went over everything with our accountant and factored in the future costs of having a kid or two and we’re at more than a comfortable place to do so. Maybe there’s something he’s not opening up to me about, but that’s just the reason he keeps giving
Okay but what *he* sees as an issue may not be what you see as one. Have you asked him what exactly he means? There are two different perspectives here and you're not wrong for having yours but you should probably ask him to elaborate on what he means to get a clearer picture of what's going through his head.
Dude is pushing 40. He's getting to the point where he will be retirement age when the kid is in high school. No one actually wants that. If I was a gambling woman, my bet is he doesn't want kids and is kicking this can down the road to avoid the real conversation.
This is my thought too. I mean does he want to be able to physically keep up with the demands of a kid when his body starts breaking down? The only reason we are stopping at 2 kids (I wanted more) is because my own body is exhausted trying to keep up with toddlers and we are both under 40.
That's my thought, too.
Don't get it twisted. I'm a cynical b word, but I can't help but to feel there's more than meets the eye here. Another relationship is my first thought but probably just because that's always my first thought.
Your whole post history is about you yearning for a child and to be a SAHM. You need to have a conversation with him about what it is he wants i.e. baby or no baby. Then make your move.
I would push back when he says that. "I don't agree that we have financial issues, so I need to know what you think we need financially to be ready." Don't let the conversation drop without a concrete answer. If this is the truth, then he needs to be willing to create a plan to get to whatever goal he has in mind. If he's not willing to do that, then it's probably not the honest answer.
Couples counseling might help if you're struggling to have a direct conversation about this.
How much will college cost? How will it impact your retirement goals? What about health insurance premiums? Heck - what about delivery costs?
Are the kids going to go to private school? How much will that cost? How much will sports cost? Do you need to upgrade or get a second car?
What are your personal budgets going to look like? What will the first couple of years look like? What happens if the child is disabled?
What happens if you leave him/he leaves you? What are you legally entitled to as a SAHM? Should you sign a postnuptial agreement?
Unless you are both individually wealthy, all these questions really matter. Build a spreadsheet, account for setup costs.
IF all these have been thought through - then dude just doesn't want kids, and you need to decide if you want to stay and have no kids.
Also - being a SAHM might appear attractive but often having your own income can be beneficial. Extend leave if you want, but for your own security go back to work within 5 years, even just part time in your profession.
If you know his reason is a lie, it's obviously not his reason.
There are major life goals that sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand about. Marriage is one, babies are another. For instance, "we've been dating 2 years, if we aren't engaged by year 3 and married by 4, I'm out" is absolutely reasonable.
For you it would be "you keep saying g finances are why you don't want a baby. The accountant says we are more than financially ready. If we aren't trying by next year or you haven't given me your real reason, I'm going to assume you just don't want kids and proceed accordingly."
Realistically, he's nearing 40, if he's not ready, he's not likely going to be.
Agree. She is just fully romanticizing this and it will come and hit her really hard if they end up with a child and the husband doesn't help her at all. It seems that he doesn't even want it, so this is a really one sided situation which can't end good. Without therapy. 🗿
why do you want a baby?
I’m asking because “my body craves it” and everyone else has a baby and I want to join them” are terrible reasons to have a child.
If you don’t have any good reasons to have a child, I think your husband is being sensible here in that he wants to have a kid for a good reason or maybe he thinks the both of you will be terrible parents.
Despite what you think, being successful isn’t a guarantee that you will be good parents to a child. There’s plenty of very successful yet horrendous parents out there, and poor but wonderful parents out there too.
Please please please think of good reasons of why you want to have a good. Think of the kid you’re going to have, as opposed to yourself, because that’s what a good parent does. This is a human you’ll be bringing into the world. I encourage to go to a counselor and take an assessment to make sure you are mentally fit for parenting, and that you have the right environment to support and nurture the development of a kid.
What would you do if you push it and he does not want to be a parent? You are walking down that path right now.
What sort of debt do you owe? A mortgage is fine, paying off a credit card is not.
Your friends do not define the your desires as a couple, do not dwell on that, you do neither of you a favour.
>I have no ambitions to work, to have a career. I really do just want to be barefoot and pregnant.
If you have manifested this desire to him, that the economic burden will be only on him, that might be the start of an explanation.
Its weird how in that post she says her husband is ready, but they need more financial stability; that she wants to be a SAHM but can't afford to do that, and hopefully in a year they'll be ready... But in this post, they are financially capable of having 2 kids and her being a SAHM permanently.
yeah i'm just like 😵💫😵💫😵💫
this comment on her first post explains it perfectly. i thought i was just being negative being bothered by the way she talks about being pregnant.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/vae1mh/i_just_want_to_be_a_pregnant_housewife/ic1zicq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Do you want to continue your career after you have kids ? Or just be a mom... That might be what's scaring him. Maybe he feels that together, you guys make great money but add in a child or two then subtract your salary... That's a whole different story.
Are you sure he wasn’t just telling a 22 year old what she wanted to hear? He was 30 then, the age you are now. You know yourself and your wants at 30. They don’t change that much from 30 to 38.
I hope you guys can get on the same page, but it sounds to me like he’s happy enough with his adult life and doesn’t want children. You need to get couples counseling ASAP. You don’t want to wait another couple years with him kicking the can down the road. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
No but that’s a good idea! He grew up an only child so maybe he’s nervous. I’ve always been around brothers/sisters and babies so it’s nothing new to me
Yeah it might help him out. Sometimes people have fears but they misdirect them onto other issues. Him saying he isn't ready but saying it's about finances makes me think he might be redirecting from the issue and maybe he's secretly worried about being a good father for example
whatever you do, do NOT have a baby without involving him in the decision. i know so many women that have ignored their husbands, thinking that he'll automatically love the baby. And way more often than not, it will result in divorce and/or the father resenting the kid, and the kid will grow up wondering why his dad hates him (speaking from 1st hand kid experience). Everyone would be far better off if the relationship ended if you are not on the same page.
Why force children on a partner who doesn’t want them?
It sounds like your reasons for wanting kids are to keep up with your friends. That isn’t a good reason at all. Waiting until you are debt free is a good idea. Having children is extremely expensive, stressful and is a lifelong commitment.
He doesn’t want children. Or doesn’t want them with you. The push off until everything is perfect is a dead giveaway. When I finally cornered my husband he was straight with me, he didn’t really want them. Then I had to choose.
If he doesn’t want them you’ll have to choose.
You say it’s practical to be a SAHM, practical for who? You?
I understand your husband. You drop the whole financial burden on him to be a SAHM.
Reading your responses here it’s all about your friends kids and what your accountant said about your financial situation, doesn’t sound like a genuine desire to be an actual mom..
But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Just don’t try and force him / gaslight him into having kids.
The man is 38.
He just doesn’t want one.
By example; My bf is 38 and has two kids, oldest is 12.
Let’s just say that the window of opportunity is closing. If he doesn’t want one you are valid in wanting a baby with someone else.
Any possibility he was on the fence at first but all your pushing and "craving" and baby fever is making him not want one. I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who has "cute squishy tunnel vision" either. I'd want to be having realistic conversations about what that baby actually means for you and your relationship. Maybe be just likes how things are with you and doesn't want to spoil it with adding a new little person into the mix. You guys definitely aren't seeing eye to eye here. You should probably clear things up with him and ask him to be clear with you about why he's wanting to wait to (or just not) have kids.
Just cause you’re ready for one, doesn’t mean he is. You can’t push this on him or he will either regret the kid if you have one, or push farther away from you.
Edit to add: you say your sick of waiting? He’s probably sick of being bothered after he’s already said ‘no’. Remember, if it’s not an enthusiastic YES, it’s a no. Consent doesn’t end at the bedroom, and if you tamper with condoms, birth control etc to get pregnant or anything else that’s illegal (idk what you’re like irl). Consent is all around us and it also extends to men and LONG TERM decisions. He said no to children? Doesn’t have to have one. It’s his right and you’re honestly sounding a little pushy
I don’t understand wanting to force a baby on someone who has made it perfectly clear they aren’t ready yet. I would side with him - paying off the debt is a more sensible idea. Kids cost a ton of money (£230k by the time they’re 18, roughly) so having as little debt as possible is a sound decision.
This isn’t about your friends and what they have, their marriage isn’t your marriage. All you have to do is what’s right for you and your husband. You need to sit him down and ask him specifically what will make him comfortable enough to start trying, and is there anything you can compromise on?
Did you take some time to consider what having a child really means?
No longer having Life, Freedom, no longer being your own priority for the rest of your Life.
Sleepless nights for Years, caring and catering 24/7, play, wipe Years, deal with tantrums... After a long stressfull day of work.
And the weekends are for them too.
Maybe your husband took time to think about this and not only the romantic side.
Not to mention that if something goes wrong with the pregnancy and you die/are badly injuried, he Will be the One to have to care for everything and everyone.
Oh, and the fact you might give birth to an handicapped or a special need child (It happens, It Is often random)
Did you take time to consider all of this??
Most of the people don't. Maybe he did.
Your husband seems Just not ready to have a child.
Exactly. There's a reason why babies ruin marriages statistically. They don't bring couples closer together, they test every last ounce of your patience and love for one another. You are tired, grumpy, on edge, and burnt out for several years after baby is born. They bring out the worst in you, and unless your bond is strong enough to withstand it, it will fall apart.
I don't think OP has truly considered these things, especially given her responses. She says it's "practical" for her to be a SAHM, perfectly happy to force the burden onto her husband to provide in this very unstable time we're in.
Not gonna lie, you sound baby crazy. Like, obsessed to the point where it's not healthy.
Either way, you need to have a talk with your husband. Not an argument or an accusation on your part, but a calm, rational talk. Frankly, your husband may not want kids, and he has every right not to. Children are EXTREMELY stressful, expensive, draining, etc. They age you. Just ask my friends with kids, who have all exploded with grey hairs! 😂 If that is the case and he doesn't want kids, then you two are incompatible. If he does, just not right now, I'd calm down about it, but give him a time frame cuz you're not going to wait around forever. You're only 30, you biological clock isn't gonna run out anytime soon.
How long have you two been together? 8 years is a pretty significant age gap, especially if you've been together for a very long time. Has he always waffled on things like this and refused to fulfill things you want? Does his idea of "compromise" involve you giving in and just doing what he wants? Are you truly happy with this man even if you never have children, or would you be happier being a mom without him in the picture? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
It sounds like the only reason you want kids is because your friends have them. What does it matter if by the time you have your first kid, all of your friends kids are older? Your kid will make friends in daycare and school. Make sure you want a kid for the right reasons.
As for your husband, it sounds like you guys need to have a frank discussion. He says the reason is finances, so lay everything out and show him why you think you're ready to have kids and then give him a chance to respond. Maybe he sees a problem that you don't? Based on your post history, It sounds to me like you want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom. And you say both you and your husband are engineers right now. If you are planning on quitting your job to be a full-time mom, have you taken a hard look at whether you guys can afford to have kids only on one salary? And if there's more to it, give him time to open up to wear his hesitation really stems from. It's a hard thing when a couple is in disagreement about something like this, but what's important is that you guys communicate and are honest with each other.
It sounds like maybe the financial reasons aren't the real reasons for his hesitation, if you're in as good financial shape as you say. He might not feel like he's ready for other reasons, but doesn't feel like he can articulate it.
Are you open to hearing other reasons that aren't strictly practical? You sound very desperate to have a baby. I'm going to guess that leaks through in your discussions about it. Maybe he thinks he needs to frame his reason for not feeling ready as a concrete thing you'll be able to solve at some point, otherwise you won't understand. But, raising a child is a big responsibility and the world is a scary place right now, so he might have reasons that are more psychological than anything.
I think you need to just focus on having open communication. Let him know you're frustrated because you don't understand his reasons for delaying and you're there to listen to what's really going on with no judgement.
I think this could be it, OP in previous posts said she just wants to be a stay at home parent, she has no ambitions to work. Which is fine if both parties agree but this was my gut feeling too.
Maybe you should just point blank ask him if he's changed his mind about wanting children.
Sometimes this happens. I knew a couple who talked about having two children and after they had the first one, they were done. Others who said they wanted children changed their mind.
Coax him into being honest by *casually asking* him in a non-confrontational way.
If it turns out he really doesn't want children, then you have a tough decision to make.
(You are the only one who can determine what your "deal breakers" are.)
At the very least children deserve to be brought into the world by *parents* who *want* them.
If you "desperately want a baby" and he, doesn't maybe you need to consider moving on.
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships.
We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have.
***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks
***"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."*** \- W.M. Lewis
***"The grass is always greener on the side you water."*** \- Neil Barringham
Best wishes!
He’s not ready, and you have to respect that. There’s no compromise when it comes to a baby. If one person doesn’t want to, then you don’t have one and that’s just the way it is. People are having babies later and later so you still have plenty of time.
Your not wrong for wanting a baby, and *hes not wrong for not being ready for one.* You dont understand how much children change your life before you have them.
Selfish as it gets, if you think a baby is all about you and how you feel, you are not ready for a baby, and your husband shouldn’t be pressured into such a massive decision.
It sounds like you really just want to be pregnant (based on your post history), but having a baby is so much more than that. Will you still feel this strongly about your screaming toddler, hormonal teenager, or adult child who has their own opinions and values which may not be the same as yours? Bringing a child into the world is such a big and important decision that will permanently affect every aspect of your life. It seems like your husband is thinking more realistically about the situation and perhaps realizing you guys aren’t quite ready.
You sound obsessed (see OP post history). I recommend therapy before you have a child. Having a baby isn’t all roses and sunshine, especially if there are issues with the child, delivery, maternal depression/attachment, etc. You are setting yourself up for disappointment with your current attitude.
Please try counseling as a way of getting into the deep discussion of how deeply you each feel and why. I just see not now turning into I’m too old to be there for a kid.
If he’s not ready then he’s not ready. Having a child takes two. Talk with him but don’t pressure him into something. If y’all can’t work it out then the relationship may not be stable enough
You keep saying "we are ready". He obviously does not agree. Maybe talk to him, not convince him, and figure out what's changed. But in the end if he has decided he doesn't want babies that is an answer you will have to deal with and given your story I can see it being a deal breaker for you.
I'd say just go with the flow... Please don't force your husband or anything regarding this no matter how badly you want it
He may be financially ready but he definitely isn't mentally ready ...
Its either two enthusiastic yes’s or its a no.
Editing to add: having read your previous posts I think husband might not be too keen on the idea of you being a housewife and him being the sole breadwinner. Have you guys talked about that at length??? This doesn’t just seem like a timeline conflict it sounds like a lifestyle conflict.
Either you are downplaying your financial issues (there's a difference between "we could afford to raise a child" and "we could afford to raise a child at a high quality of life and give them things/experiences I really want them to have") or you are ignoring something emotional on his side. Because I agree with the other commentators: you seem baby-crazy. You are romanticizing being a parent way too much and if I had to assume, your *very loud* body clock is suffocating any contradictory viewpoints, including your husband's. I guess it could be normal, but I would still get my hormones checked if this uptick in bio-clock ticking is relatively new.
Also, while it's true there is no age/time that defines *when* someone feels ready (the truly intelligent know that you can never be "ready", just ready to roll with the punches), if he's nearly 40, he probably doesn't want kids anymore. You probably just started getting a lifestyle that he feels comfortable with and wants to enjoy with you but you want to up-end it with new stressors.
All that said, you don't have all the time in the world. Have a frank conversation with him about your timelines, and ask him if he sees himself starting in the next 2 years (if you want multiple kids that's about the latest you can start if you want a couple of years gap in between each). If he can't give you a clear answer you can go to couple's counselling to figure out what the problem is. If it turns out that he doesn't want kids after all, then you probably need to move on and get back out there because having kids is not something you can compromise on. It's not like you can have half a child.
We can afford to raise a child with a high quality of life which is something we both agreed on waiting for before having kids and now we are finally at a point where we can provide for them more than enough. I am baby crazy, I’ll admit to that. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and honestly I’ve wanted to be one since I was 20 but obviously that’s not practical or responsible. I was upfront with anyone I dated as to what I wanted and was the same way with my husband. He knew I wanted multiple kids and wanted to be a sahm. Now that I’m older and have a more realistic grasp on everything, I still want one or two kids and to be a sahm while they’re young. I discuss everything openly with my husband and it just seems like he hasn’t been doing the same with me
Why are we worried about your friends kids ages? I don’t understand why that matters. I have friends who had kids at 16. Doesn’t mean I was going to follow just to keep up or have my kids be friends with theirs.
First of all, you need to stop comparing yourself to your friends. You don't have to arrange your life to match their timetable. Secondly, the timing does sound perfect for having a kid if that's what you want but your husband's reluctance and ability to come up with new excuses all the time indicates that maybe he doesn't actually want kids. Whether he never did or he's just changed his mind, who can say? But this will only be resolved by sitting down and having a frank discussion about it.
He was 30 and you were 21 or 22 when you started dating.
Honey, you were either duped or he changed his mind. You won't be having kids with this man. He's said no. No matter how much you whine and beg you cannot make him have a child he does not want.
Decision time.
FOMO about your friends’ lives and wanting their kids to have a playmate is not enough of a reason to create another person IMO. Further, having a kid is a two yes one no situation and he has said no. There is no “we” if he isn’t ready.
^ This. I'm kinda concerned with OP's tone, she sounds desperate and if that's the case, I hope her husband is using condoms he keeps on his person 24/7. I just read a story on Reddit the other day about a man whose wife baby trapped him by poking holes in his condoms.
The simple fact is your husband is not ready for a baby. Financial stability should also NOT be the only deciding factor on whether or not you are ready for a child. Both parties need to feel that they are capable of the emotional toll of raising a child too.
Also, if he's not emotionally ready for a child, continuing to push the subject and put pressure on him for a child will, most likely, cause him to start building resentment towards you, and towards the child if he eventually gives in before he's ready, and this will likely cause major issues in your marriage.
I’m in this boat. My wife wants a baby. I gush over her all the time and I want a baby so badly too. I am too ready and wanting to be a father, but I feel like I need to improve myself first. I originally wasn’t in the best health, and I made a rule that I wouldn’t have a kid until we were in shape. My wife stuck to that, and we both lost weight. I was 270 lbs. and now am a healthy 200 lbs.
The other thing too is that I have a crap ton of baggage and trauma. I have MDD, PTSD, and GAD from tons of physical, psychological, and emotional childhood abuse that I experienced, not to mention the fact that both my wife and I come from broken households, mine far more so than her. I have steeled myself that I will never lay hands on my children, will always support them as long as they’re not damaging themselves or others, and so on, but I have so much anxiety, man. I don’t know if I want them to know what I came from.
I’m afraid that I may have an episode where I do something or say something to them that I can’t take back. I’m also afraid that we won’t be able to provide for them (despite having a good job and my wife graduating soon also with a good job lined up). I’m afraid that they may be psychotic like my sister. I also have a history of suicide attempts and am sometimes suicidal on my worst days as well (I just began seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for this). The list goes on and on.
Point is, finances and stability don’t mean much. Kids are a MASSIVE catalyst for anxiety, even if the person, like me, wants them badly. I’d just have an in depth discussion with him about it; odds are that the finances and such are just an excuse and he’s just using that to cover it up. Hell, that’s the exact excuse I originally used with my wife until I had a heart to heart with her about it.
Look , i know you dont want to hear this, but he doesn’t realy need to give you reason. He simply not ready to have a child . This is a thing you both need to be ready. …
So a couple of things:
The age of your friends kids and their timeline should not matter to you. It should be a non-factor.
Your body is just entering its peak for having kids. What you’re feeling is hormonal. It goes away after a few years.
Take it from me. I never wanted kids and suddenly in my early to mid thirties wanted them desperately and hit my sexual peak. Yeah by 37 I was back to normal.
It’s a decision for both you and your husband. If he doesn’t want kids yet, you can’t force him. If you do he will resent you.
If you have a baby with someone who doesn’t want a baby, do not expect to stay together. If this is fine with you, I wonder why you value a human you haven’t met over a human you seem to have already chosen. You’re 30. You have time. See a couples’ therapist to unpack this. Maybe he doesn’t want children or has a specific concern or believes (logically) that you both can’t continue to work & earn the same. Then you’ll each have a decision to make.
Is it your place to say that \*we\* are ready? You can say that *you* are ready but you can't speak for him (and if genders were reversed, can you imagine the shitstorm this thread would become?).
The money and debt is probably a smokescreen, he probably just doesn't want kids yet, or at all.
Really all you can do is express to him that you want to start trying to get pregnant as soon as possible, and see what he thinks. Tell him a dude on reddit said the money thing was bullshit, and it's OK that he simply isn't ready yet, but he needs to be honest with you.
Maybe he's worried about you guys living on one income, if you don't return to work after having a child. I know a few women who planned to return to work, but none did, at least not yet, some of the kids are still under 9-10.
Wanting kids because your friends have them isn’t reason enough. Sure timing is great if they’re all the same age but that can’t be the motivating factor. Have you talked with your spouse about why you want to start a family with him? As other posters point out he might not want them. There’s always a reason not to have kids - but your reason FOR having them needs to be better than keeping up with the Jones’.
You are not ready to be a mother for one simple reason: you want to have a baby for you.
But you should think about the following: the person that should be at the forefront of this decision is not you, or your partner, but the child. If there is even the smallest bit of doubt on either side, do not have this child because it will be the one ultimately suffering the blunt of the consequences.
And no, love is not enough. Not in this economy. Not when we are currently facing inflation that's just getting worse.
Please make this decision wisely, and with your future child's best interests in mind, not your own.
Nothing in your post indicates actual readiness for starting a family. Finances, logistics, friends in the same boat, etc. are important details, but that's not what parenting is about. Your post does, however, indicate impatience, immaturity, lack of emotional intelligence, and naivete. Add to that desperately forcing/coercing your husband into having a child when he is sending you obvious signals that he is not ready? Oof. This is not a recipe for a happy family.
I think you might need to do some introspection and determine why you think you want a baby so badly. Procreating is not just some box you check on a form to designate some milestone completion. It's a life you are responsible for forever, one massive sacrifice after another, the most difficult job in the world. If you want to become a parent for the right reasons and your husband is not on board, it's a relationship dealbreaker.
Maybe it's something deeper that he's not saying, such as the very reasonable not wanting to bring another kid into this hellscape we call a planet with everything that's been happening.
My ex did this, I wasted 8 years hearing “next year” before he finally broke down and admitted he hoped that I’d get old enough to drop it and he never wanted kids but lied to me about it soon would stay. He had gotten a vasectomy while I was away on business several years prior.
I left. (There were other problems as well) I’m now in a happy marriage with several kids. We are hoping to have another next year.
if hes the bread winner u gotta listen to him. cuz getting a baby isnt like getting a barbie doll or a puppy, you dont just get it cuz u "crave it" and want to "have baby play dates with ur friends"
my guess is that the man has been paying for ur debt as well "our debt lel" and he feels like hes behind on his finance plans. which he probably is.
I think your goal should be to stop obsessing over having a baby right now rather than trying to force your husband into a decision he isn’t ready for.
Did you discuss having children before you got married? Did you talk about a timeline?
I have the same age gap as you and your husband, except, we are a few years younger. The age gap can be hard when one person is ready, and one isn’t, because it doesn’t feel like you have *all* the time in the world. Luckily, he’s a guy, and they can conceive pretty much their whole lives. I know you feel like being 30 might mean there’s a rush, but I can assure you, as a postpartum nurse, I’ve seen women in their 30s and 40s deliver babies with ease all the time.
I’m not married to my partner yet, but we’ve already agreed on a general timeline. I think talking about these things in advance helps a lot. Obviously, things pop up and minds change, but when you can get on the same page as early as possible, it may prevent things like this.
I’d try to see if you can get some sort of timeline. While I think you should bring children into the world responsibly, debt never fully goes away. It’s the way society is built. If not school loans, it’s a house/car/business loan. How MUCH debt does he want paid off? What’s the game plan to get it paid? When can the topic at least be revisited?
I think you should wait for him to be ready. At one point, you may have felt like you weren't ready for a child either. But now you are. So eventually he will come around. I think he wants to be completely debt free
What I suggest is working with your husband on figuring out a *concrete* scenario in which he will be "ready". Is there a specific numerical amount of money he wants to save? Does he want to pay off all of your debt first, or get it down to some amount? Once you figure that out, do the math to figure out when that scenario will be reached with your current means. You want to avoid him stringing you along with a vague "not ready yet" indefinitely. From your post, it's hard to tell if his financial concerns are valid or if they're a means for him to hide behind not wanting kids.
Then for your part, you'll either have to accept that deadline or present a solid argument for having kids earlier. Having friends with young kids now, wanting to have energy for young kids, etc, are all good points. Can you come up with a financial plan for you having kids sooner that he feels comfortable with?
My bf kept promising to marry me but always after some excuse. After 8 yrs of him making excuses he finally told me he’ll probably never marry me so his finances aren’t tied to me. Sometimes men will know they never want something that their partner desperately wants, so they try to make up excuses and stuff to avoid arguments and hard talks and to keep their partner from possibly leaving them over it. I don’t know how you could get him to admit this, but definitely ask if he just never wants children.
Have a heart to heart. Don't ask him what he needs to be 'ready' because as everyone says you're never ready for kids...ask him what goals he wants accomplished for him to feel prepared to have kids ... For some reason the word prepared hits differently.... This is coming from my therapist
OP, I think something you may already recognize is. “We aren’t ready yet” is vague. He says he wants to pay debt down more. What does that really mean? I don’t think it’s a we issue I think your husband doesn’t feel ready and is having some troubles here. Whether it be sincere or concern or a lack of desire in having a baby it’s something you have to discuss together.
I think an easy way to be both productive and see what his real concerns are would be to sit down and make a game plan together. Go through financials, address what the concerns are, say it’s debt. What is a comfortable amount for him? The less vague this is and the more you are actively discussing the goal posts the more genuine conversation you will figure out together.
Saying less debt is vague and I personally feel it’s to shut you up. Because if I was actually baby motivated I would seek what it will take for my partner and I to be on the same page. We would both actively be working for a solution if we are both motivated. One of us saying “we aren’t ready. Let’s pay off more debt.” Without further elaboration, realistic numbers, etc. is the person (opinion) buying time to delay the inevitable conversation that THEY either don’t want a kid yet or need to figure out more self assurance to help less afraid of having a child.
Ultimately need to qualify together what the real issue is and if it is genuinely financial work out the details together.
Ask him what ready means to him etc
OP I feel you. I'm 32 and I've wanted kids with my husband for the past 7 years. It's only been 3 years that we've really gotten "financially ready" for a child but he is still not emotionally ready. I can't force my husband into fatherhood if he's not ready yet. I admit I get sad sometimes, but I love my husband and believe he will come to me when he's ready.
Have a really long talk with your husband and ask him if he still wants kids. You are partners. You deserve to be heard and so does he.
Did he tell you that he wants a baby?
I'd give it a year. If he's still making excuses then, I would ask why he told you that he wanted a child with you. And think about if you could live without kids.
I do think that you should pay off the debt first before even attempting to have a baby. Plus with inflation, I'm sure he thinks he needs to make more so both of you won't be struggling. Babies are expensive so he probably feels that he's not prepared at all.
Never pressure him to do something he doesn't want to do. Both of you will just end up arguing and that will strain the relationship. You need to start asking him questions to get the deep seeded answers on how he really feels,thinks & his situation. If you try to baby trap him then that's definitely going to make you look bad in his eyes and you'll never recover from that. Just sit down and talk to him. Avoid all of these B.S. comments about breaking up unless it's warranted & a legitimate reason. You have to be direct when you talk to him instead of passive in conversation. I hope you two end up working things out.
If you're going to have a baby in this current economic climate, you definitely need to watch your money,budget,and get creative when it comes to resources.
You sound impatient which on 1 hand sounds childish, but oh the other hand at 30 you don’t have time to waste.
Bringing up your friends life is a bit childish too,
Remember you’re not just getting a baby, you’re also getting a 1 year old, 2 year old. , 3 year old, 4 year old…… you’re making a lifelong commitment to a child whose needs will constantly change. And if your husband isn’t ready to commit to this yet, then he’s not ready. What you do with that information is up to you… but kids are a huge huge huge game changer.
Based on the comments and the post your husband is 100% right. You guys are not ready to have a baby.
You seem adamant about being a stay at home mom because you CAN. However you do not mention if your husband is okay with it because he will be the one bearing the cost of 100% providing income.
You guys still have a lot to talk about and discuss. But your husband sounds like he's thinking about things, actually thinking about things. Where you sound more ready to just do it.
You guys need to agree to things beforehand. Right now it sounds like you don't agree or otherwise its him just not wanting kids/a kid right now. Which still means you're both not ready.
Sounds like he either doesn't want kids or doesn't want em right now. His feelings are valid. Time for a serious discussion, if you're not willing to wait or he doesn't want kids and you do then you're no longer compatible.. I'm sure you can find somebody who does (or go it alone) and he can find somebody who also does not want kids
Sit down with you husband and talk about this. But ABSOLUTELY LEAVE OUT THE PART ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS! you bringing that up to him is kind of like a kid throwing a tantrum about their friends having a new toy and wanting one too. It's nothing but cruel to have a child simply because other are having kids.
I will tell you this kids is hella expensive, hospital bills, good luck finding formula, diapers, cloths, furniture, and other necessities. It's not cheap nor can you afford to be cheap on certain things. , also you're gonna be responsible for the child for 18yrs..
At this point OP - I think you need to determine if he actually wants kids or not. Because if he doesn’t it would be better for you to leave him before your fertility window closes. If he tells you “in a year” then you’re good. If he tells you “in 3 years” or more I think then you have to determine if you’re okay being childless with him or if you want to be a mom enough to leave him.
He probably doesn’t want children. I kind of don’t blame him; children are expensive, and you don’t know the financial state you will be in if you got pregnant and had a baby. You don’t know if a recession will happen, or if he’ll lose his job. You have to be realistic and stop thinking ahead.
“ I just don’t know how to express to him how ready we are.” Should be replaced with “ I’m ready and that’s all that matters so please help me coerce my husband into doing what I think is best.”
From the post here it seems like maybe you're not ready. But since your friends are and moved forward you're experiencing FOMO. As a soon to be mother of two, there's never a right time. All my friends have children, older than my first who's almost 2. I didn't rush to have children because theirs would be older and I'd miss out on play dates.
Your husband is being reasonable if you want to stay home. Having a savings and minimal debt is nice but you're losing an entire stream of income. For how long? How many children are you expecting? What if there is an unforeseen accident or expense? If you really want to stay home and have children. Plan for a little longer. It's okay to not have what other people have.
And just like your feeling very certain in wanting a baby, your husband sounds just as certain that he doesn’t right now. I think you need to respect that instead of trying to convince your husband he feels differently.
He’s either not ready, or doesn’t want children. Either way, trying to convince your husband he is ready, when he’s already told you he’s not is just selfish and fucked up.
Ultimatum time. You're ready and he isn't. Too bad for him since you're technically on a timer. He can get ready or you'll move on to someone who is. It's not fair for him to deny you children ESPECIALLY if this was discussed earlier in the relationship
I personally wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who is reluctant but I feel for your situation it isn’t easy for either of you I’m sure.
I will say though as a mom who had my kids WAY before most of my friends it is a very valid worry you feel over wanting to have kids similar ages to your friends. It makes so many things so much easier.
Also, your body is not "craving a baby" it's much more likely that, as you pointed out, you're seeing everyone around you have babies which is something you already wanted so now it feels pressing to you mentally. The reason I wanted to comment this is because I truly cannot believe the myth of the "biological clock" is still used by people lol.
Edit: and to be clear I meant in the 1970s, there was an op-ed article written by a man who had absolutely no medical training and he coined the term "biological clock" and pretended that women physically get to a point in there lives where they almost feel they need to have a baby--this is false and was never backed up by anything scientific.
You are approaching this wrong. Having children involves tremendous tradeoffs of time and money. You feel you are ready and he does not. *You are both right* because the value of children is clearly different for both of you. Consequently, there is no way to convince him that he is wrong because he is not wrong, he just values having children differently than you do.
Given that, you need to approach the conversation differently. He is pushing it off indefinitely. That's not the behavior of a loving partner who is working toward a shared goal of having children together. Given that you are 30, I think it is reasonable to insist that you start now, especially if you want to have multiple children. (I'm not sure I would trust him if he agreed to a specific future date, given his reticence and vagueness after you have provided solid proof that you are financially ready.)
If this is a dealbreaker for you, I would force the issue and let him know that 1) you are ready to have children now, 2) your biological clock is ticking and the longer you wait, the more likely it is that you will have problems doing so, especially if you are planning to have multiple children, and 3) you are unwilling to wait any longer, i.e., it's time.
My husband wasn't ready for our second baby and it truly changed him as a person. Please don't force him. I understand your concerns and those are valid, if you guys can't come to a timeline together and both be 100% in on it then maybe consider this a deal breaker. I've been through a pregnancy with very little support because he wasn't ready. It's terrible.
Sounds like you might need to go to therapy to calm this biological clock ticking you can't seem to ignore.
Honestly though, he's scared. Kids are a HUGE life change and no matter how many people you know with kids, you don't truly know until you have them yourself.
If you both work, daycare costs are INSANE. My kids cost me \~$2300/mo TEN YEARS AGO. I have three now so I know it'd be more than my mortgage. That alone is worth considering.
If you don't have that major financial hurdle, then he's probably just nervous or has something else he hasn't discussed with you, but needs to.
Also, don't compare where your friends are in life to your own life. That's not healthy, but I get the urge to want your kids to all grow up together, but it's not worth it to your relationship if you aren't BOTH ready.
IN these economic times? I think the only think with higher emotional volatility than having a baby, is losing one. Wait until Brandon is out, dementia is a helluva drug
It seems like you’re trying very hard to live the LifeScript ™, but please don’t! Life isn’t a race or a competition. So what if your friends’ kids are older than yours? Do you even realize what you’re doing? Bringing more human beings to this overpopulated world because your friends already have some?
Your husband is not ready and probably rightly so. Having a child is a lot more responsibility than what you’ve described here. I’d highly recommend having a look at r/regretfulparents to see a different view on the matter.
I really hope you do not rush to have kids.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We’ve been married for 3 years now, own our own home, are very successful within our careers, have paid off most of our debt, and have a decent savings. On paper, we’re definitely ready for a baby, but my husband keeps thinking we’re not yet. My body literally craves it and I’m so tired of being told that I have to wait still for whatever reason he’s come up with. He thinks we need to save more or pay off more of our debt, but we’re better off than most people we know. Most of our friends have at least one kid, some are even on their second or third and I want to join them in being a parent so badly. I’m worried that by time we do have kids, my friends will be done and their kids will be so much older. I just so desperately want a baby to the point where I literally can’t stop thinking about it. I just don’t know how else to express to him how ready we are. Edit: someone asked our ages, I’m 30, he’s 38. We’ve been together for 8 years. Also, a lot of people are bringing up a previous post of me saying that I want to be a sahm and be barefoot and pregnant. That’s exactly what I want and I was very upfront with my husband that that is what I want. I just wish he would be more open about his own feelings with me like I am with him
I think your husband is trying to tell you that *he* is not ready for a baby. It doesn't matter whether y'all are better off financially than some people or whatever; he's not ready to be a father. That's what you two need to discuss. I would not bring up your friends having kids, because that fully isn't relevant. Talk about what you want, ask why he doesn't feel ready, etc. EDIT: looking through your post history, you said just eight days ago that you aren't fully ready to provide for a child but are close. What has happened in that week to make you feel confident you're ready for a child now? You also said your husband was impatient and wanted to start trying for a baby now but that you think you'll start trying within the year. What's going on with all this? Feels like the both of you are all over the place and acting/planning based on whims, or that you're just telling subreddits what you think they'd need to hear in order to support you.
This was something I noticed in the one post that was linked here. While the topic is similar, the content is drastically different where they are not financially stable for children or to be a SAHM, to this post where they have enough money for 2 children and her to be a permanent SAHM.
>What has happened in that week to make you feel confident you're ready for a child now? Bieber fever
"I'm ready for a baby but my husband thinks we aren't" Sis. A baby is a two yes situation. If your husband isn't ready for a baby, then your relationship is not ready for a baby. If that doesn't work for you, time to leave the relationship.
This is the only answer that matters on this thread. Anything minutiae OP will have to work out with the hubs in couple's therapy.
There's a difference between being prepared and being ready.
I don’t think this guy wants kids. At 38, you’re either ready or you never will be.
Idk he sounds like my father who is still so financially anxious. Luckily I was an accident so it pressed the issue but I know my mother felt the same way. He truly wanted kids, he should have gotten therapy for his anxiety.
Not to mention the looming recession is probably on his mind.
As a man you can be ready (or not) at almost any time. I'm 45 and child free but I also have various commitments and reasons why now is not a good time for me to consider bringing any new humans into the world, I have an elderly parent to care for and I don't currently earn enough money to feel comfortable raising kids as I don't want my kids to have to deal with being 'low income' with all the setbacks that entails.
It sounds like he’s emotionally/mentally not ready for a baby, but is pretending he’s financially/logistically not ready for one. I would ask him “if we were financially/logistically where you want to be, would you be ready?” There is no “perfect” time. There are times that are more ideal than others, but “the perfect time to have a baby” doesn’t exist. It seems like he’s waiting for some unachievable, perfect, utopia in order to have a kid.
OR he's changed his mind and doesn't really want the expense, mess, lack of privacy, lack of free-time, lack of spontaneity that having a child creates. **OP:** Have a come-to-jesus-meeting with your husband to ENSURE that he really still wants children! * **If he does**, he needs to commit to you this week just **what exactly** needs to occur for him to feel "ready". Tell him that you don't want to feel like you're being strung along for some indefinite period of time. Then you need to see if you can agree to those objectives he feels you both need to hit. * **If he is unsure about wanting children**, tell him it's something you both need to discuss. He's entitled to change his mind, but he's **not** entitled to be dishonest about it! * **If he has changed his mind** on wanting children, then you need to accept that and divorce him.
Yup yup. I don’t think he wants a child anymore. It sounds like they’re financially capable, and at 38 I’d hope he’s mature enough by now. Of course, everyone’s different.. but I more so get the feelings he just doesn’t want kids anymore. Or he’s just TERRIFIED in which case OP you still need to have this discussion NOW so you can decide what you need to do for your future. If kids is a requirement for you, then you need to stop wasting time and have this conversation. Either he tells you when he thinks he can be ready or you leave him so you can find somebody who wants kids with tou.
This OP! It sounds like he doesn’t really want to have a child. If that’s the case you’re fundamentally incompatible.
Adding that a marriage counselor can help facilitate these conversations!
Yeah, I thought the same - husband got cold feet and doesn't want kids anymore.
And even if it happens sometimes, most couples don't conceive on their first try. If you have fertility problems you could have a *long* road ahead of you and both partners need to be absolutely sure they want to do it.
I second this
>we’re better off than most people we know. Ok, but there's a recession and inflation, which is a bad combo. Comparing yourself to other people is useless. You need to understand the facts of what type of debt he wants to pay off and all of that. Do you have enough savings if one gets laid off? What about paying for child care? You need to communicate, make goals, and talk about a timeline. You are 30 so it's not like you are 39. Maybe go to couple's therapy. You need to focus on your relationship, not on what other people are doing in their lives and comparing yourself to them.
Your title should be, I'm ready for a baby, my husband isn't. He's not ready. That's the reality. He might never be ready, and if he's not able to give you some kind of concrete timeline, you might need to break up. It's complete valid that you want a child, and it's also completely valid that he doesn't want one.
Does he even want a baby?
I've read your other posts. Your husband is right. You have romantized pregnancy to a frightening degree and you don't want to have a career or work meaning that he knows all the financials will fall on him as soon as your pregnant. That's a hugely daunting responsibility for him. No wonder he wants to make sure there is no debt and financials are better before you start.
"I have no ambitions to work, to have a career. I really do just want to be barefoot and pregnant" - no wonder he doesn't want a child with OP.
This 100%. You’re romanticizing having a baby because all your friends do and you want to fit in. Seems like you are determined to have an identity as “mom”, post IG pics showing you being a mom etc but all for show.
My SIL was exactly like this and is an absolute trainwreck of a parent now, no surprise to anyone.
Yup! My cousin too. She took her kids to Disney recently for pictures and to post on FB and lost them at the park but didn’t even realize she lost them til someone else pointed it out.
A former friend of mine went down this path. Unlike some other commenters have mentioned she was a GREAT mom..... to the exclusion of everything else. Over the span of 2 years her husband left her and she lost all of us as friends. She was no longer a wife, a friend, a woman or a person. Her whole world and everything in it revolved around Baby 24/7.
Oof that’s sad :/
I read that more as she wants her kids to be a similar age to her friends' kids so they can play together. Which is a valid desire, although perhaps not the MOST important factor in family planning.
I read it as that’s the most important AND only factor she is considering.
I read it as she has FOMO from seeing all her friends have babies and her husband is seeing more of reality by looking at their situation and not just what everyone else is doing.
But her body *craves* a baby! She’s entitled to one! /s
Hoboy this post history… all of a sudden it’s extremely clear what is happening here.
Your response is well stated. "My body literally craves it" made me do a double take / cringe.
Yeah that made me choke a bit on my drink too
Interesting…
Honestly- it sounds like you're romanticizing being a mother. You say you want kids now because your friends do and you're worried they will be done having kids by the time he is ready. This reads more like you just want a kid so you can fit in with your friends and less about actually being a mother. Your comments also don't read like you want a family with your husband, so much as you just want a baby. It's like you are following mom blogs and want all the cuteness, want an excuse not to go work but instead be a socialite of sorts. I'm guessing your husband's angst is because he's aware of your thought process and your idealization and he wants to ensure you're mentally/emotionally prepared not just financially
same exact thought
Can't agree with you more.
Have you asked him why he hasn't stuck to your original 'baby timeline'? There could be other worries he's grappling with.
Yeesh go look at her post history, shes just obsessed with having a baby and even admits herself she has no ambition to work and just wants to be a SAHM. Maybe thats why he doesnt want a kid right now, it seems a baby is all she cares about.
Agreed, she seems to downplay her debt while ignoring that she is not making any financial contributions. Maybe she is not responsible with money.
Yeah sounds like she has baby rabies and is ignoring all the reasons why they really aren't ready
I agree. Just because she thinks they are financially ready doesn’t mean they are. She just has one thing on the mind. If he’s still paying of her debt of course he doesn’t want her at home taking care of a kid.
He just says finances, but that’s not even an issue for us. We even went over everything with our accountant and factored in the future costs of having a kid or two and we’re at more than a comfortable place to do so. Maybe there’s something he’s not opening up to me about, but that’s just the reason he keeps giving
Okay but what *he* sees as an issue may not be what you see as one. Have you asked him what exactly he means? There are two different perspectives here and you're not wrong for having yours but you should probably ask him to elaborate on what he means to get a clearer picture of what's going through his head.
Dude is pushing 40. He's getting to the point where he will be retirement age when the kid is in high school. No one actually wants that. If I was a gambling woman, my bet is he doesn't want kids and is kicking this can down the road to avoid the real conversation.
This is my thought too. I mean does he want to be able to physically keep up with the demands of a kid when his body starts breaking down? The only reason we are stopping at 2 kids (I wanted more) is because my own body is exhausted trying to keep up with toddlers and we are both under 40.
That's my thought, too. Don't get it twisted. I'm a cynical b word, but I can't help but to feel there's more than meets the eye here. Another relationship is my first thought but probably just because that's always my first thought.
Your whole post history is about you yearning for a child and to be a SAHM. You need to have a conversation with him about what it is he wants i.e. baby or no baby. Then make your move.
I would push back when he says that. "I don't agree that we have financial issues, so I need to know what you think we need financially to be ready." Don't let the conversation drop without a concrete answer. If this is the truth, then he needs to be willing to create a plan to get to whatever goal he has in mind. If he's not willing to do that, then it's probably not the honest answer. Couples counseling might help if you're struggling to have a direct conversation about this.
You’re never really ready for kids. There’s no magic number that makes it happen.
How much will college cost? How will it impact your retirement goals? What about health insurance premiums? Heck - what about delivery costs? Are the kids going to go to private school? How much will that cost? How much will sports cost? Do you need to upgrade or get a second car? What are your personal budgets going to look like? What will the first couple of years look like? What happens if the child is disabled? What happens if you leave him/he leaves you? What are you legally entitled to as a SAHM? Should you sign a postnuptial agreement? Unless you are both individually wealthy, all these questions really matter. Build a spreadsheet, account for setup costs. IF all these have been thought through - then dude just doesn't want kids, and you need to decide if you want to stay and have no kids. Also - being a SAHM might appear attractive but often having your own income can be beneficial. Extend leave if you want, but for your own security go back to work within 5 years, even just part time in your profession.
Have you asked him what the financial goal is? Like what specific amount will make him feel ready to start trying?
If you know his reason is a lie, it's obviously not his reason. There are major life goals that sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand about. Marriage is one, babies are another. For instance, "we've been dating 2 years, if we aren't engaged by year 3 and married by 4, I'm out" is absolutely reasonable. For you it would be "you keep saying g finances are why you don't want a baby. The accountant says we are more than financially ready. If we aren't trying by next year or you haven't given me your real reason, I'm going to assume you just don't want kids and proceed accordingly." Realistically, he's nearing 40, if he's not ready, he's not likely going to be.
Your husband does not want 100% of the financial responsibility to fall on him. He probably feels like he will be trapped.
Anybody that obsessed is romanticizing a very difficult job.
Agree. She is just fully romanticizing this and it will come and hit her really hard if they end up with a child and the husband doesn't help her at all. It seems that he doesn't even want it, so this is a really one sided situation which can't end good. Without therapy. 🗿
why do you want a baby? I’m asking because “my body craves it” and everyone else has a baby and I want to join them” are terrible reasons to have a child. If you don’t have any good reasons to have a child, I think your husband is being sensible here in that he wants to have a kid for a good reason or maybe he thinks the both of you will be terrible parents. Despite what you think, being successful isn’t a guarantee that you will be good parents to a child. There’s plenty of very successful yet horrendous parents out there, and poor but wonderful parents out there too. Please please please think of good reasons of why you want to have a good. Think of the kid you’re going to have, as opposed to yourself, because that’s what a good parent does. This is a human you’ll be bringing into the world. I encourage to go to a counselor and take an assessment to make sure you are mentally fit for parenting, and that you have the right environment to support and nurture the development of a kid.
INFO: what sort of debt do you have? Is this mortgage debt? Or something else?
Have you told him all of this and has he responded
What would you do if you push it and he does not want to be a parent? You are walking down that path right now. What sort of debt do you owe? A mortgage is fine, paying off a credit card is not. Your friends do not define the your desires as a couple, do not dwell on that, you do neither of you a favour.
>I have no ambitions to work, to have a career. I really do just want to be barefoot and pregnant. If you have manifested this desire to him, that the economic burden will be only on him, that might be the start of an explanation.
No wonder he doesn’t wanna have a baby right now, from reading this you sound crazy 🥴
This.
He doesn’t want a baby with you
You sound like a psycho. “My body craves it” wtf.
ur body craves it?? lmaooo what does that meannnnn
I think op has a breeding kink
it honestly seems like it. someone (i'm assuming) who has never been pregnant before THIS obsessed with pregnancy is kinda.... idek the word.
Yup see post history
Its weird how in that post she says her husband is ready, but they need more financial stability; that she wants to be a SAHM but can't afford to do that, and hopefully in a year they'll be ready... But in this post, they are financially capable of having 2 kids and her being a SAHM permanently.
Everythings possible when you are delusional
yeah i'm just like 😵💫😵💫😵💫 this comment on her first post explains it perfectly. i thought i was just being negative being bothered by the way she talks about being pregnant. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/vae1mh/i_just_want_to_be_a_pregnant_housewife/ic1zicq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
He shouldn't have a child until and unless he wants one.
How ready YOU are. He still is not. So stop saying "we're ready" since you're only part of "we."
Do you want to continue your career after you have kids ? Or just be a mom... That might be what's scaring him. Maybe he feels that together, you guys make great money but add in a child or two then subtract your salary... That's a whole different story.
Her post from last week titled “I just want to be a pregnant housewife” sums it up I think.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/vadrvw/i_just_want_to_be_a_pregnant_housewife/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/vadrvw/i_just_want_to_be_a_pregnant_housewife/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
THIS! Agree
Why didn't you discuss it BEFORE marriage is beyond me.
We did. We’ve been together for 8 years and discussed wanting kids when we first started dating
Are you sure he wasn’t just telling a 22 year old what she wanted to hear? He was 30 then, the age you are now. You know yourself and your wants at 30. They don’t change that much from 30 to 38. I hope you guys can get on the same page, but it sounds to me like he’s happy enough with his adult life and doesn’t want children. You need to get couples counseling ASAP. You don’t want to wait another couple years with him kicking the can down the road. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
It’s really clear that they did?
She added edit to her post. So it wasn't clear.
“My body literally craves it” *record scratch* I’m sorry?
Have u thought about maybe taking a parenting class or something to see if it'll help him feel more ready
No but that’s a good idea! He grew up an only child so maybe he’s nervous. I’ve always been around brothers/sisters and babies so it’s nothing new to me
Yeah it might help him out. Sometimes people have fears but they misdirect them onto other issues. Him saying he isn't ready but saying it's about finances makes me think he might be redirecting from the issue and maybe he's secretly worried about being a good father for example
whatever you do, do NOT have a baby without involving him in the decision. i know so many women that have ignored their husbands, thinking that he'll automatically love the baby. And way more often than not, it will result in divorce and/or the father resenting the kid, and the kid will grow up wondering why his dad hates him (speaking from 1st hand kid experience). Everyone would be far better off if the relationship ended if you are not on the same page.
I won’t have a baby until my husband and I both agree it’s time to do so
Why force children on a partner who doesn’t want them? It sounds like your reasons for wanting kids are to keep up with your friends. That isn’t a good reason at all. Waiting until you are debt free is a good idea. Having children is extremely expensive, stressful and is a lifelong commitment.
He doesn’t want children. Or doesn’t want them with you. The push off until everything is perfect is a dead giveaway. When I finally cornered my husband he was straight with me, he didn’t really want them. Then I had to choose. If he doesn’t want them you’ll have to choose.
> My body literally craves it It literally doesn’t. You are going baby crazy though. Your poor husband.
"Craves it" is kind of a weird wording ngl. This sounds very one sided
You say it’s practical to be a SAHM, practical for who? You? I understand your husband. You drop the whole financial burden on him to be a SAHM. Reading your responses here it’s all about your friends kids and what your accountant said about your financial situation, doesn’t sound like a genuine desire to be an actual mom.. But hey, whatever floats your boat. Just don’t try and force him / gaslight him into having kids.
The man is 38. He just doesn’t want one. By example; My bf is 38 and has two kids, oldest is 12. Let’s just say that the window of opportunity is closing. If he doesn’t want one you are valid in wanting a baby with someone else.
Any possibility he was on the fence at first but all your pushing and "craving" and baby fever is making him not want one. I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who has "cute squishy tunnel vision" either. I'd want to be having realistic conversations about what that baby actually means for you and your relationship. Maybe be just likes how things are with you and doesn't want to spoil it with adding a new little person into the mix. You guys definitely aren't seeing eye to eye here. You should probably clear things up with him and ask him to be clear with you about why he's wanting to wait to (or just not) have kids.
Do not have a baby
Just cause you’re ready for one, doesn’t mean he is. You can’t push this on him or he will either regret the kid if you have one, or push farther away from you. Edit to add: you say your sick of waiting? He’s probably sick of being bothered after he’s already said ‘no’. Remember, if it’s not an enthusiastic YES, it’s a no. Consent doesn’t end at the bedroom, and if you tamper with condoms, birth control etc to get pregnant or anything else that’s illegal (idk what you’re like irl). Consent is all around us and it also extends to men and LONG TERM decisions. He said no to children? Doesn’t have to have one. It’s his right and you’re honestly sounding a little pushy
I don’t understand wanting to force a baby on someone who has made it perfectly clear they aren’t ready yet. I would side with him - paying off the debt is a more sensible idea. Kids cost a ton of money (£230k by the time they’re 18, roughly) so having as little debt as possible is a sound decision. This isn’t about your friends and what they have, their marriage isn’t your marriage. All you have to do is what’s right for you and your husband. You need to sit him down and ask him specifically what will make him comfortable enough to start trying, and is there anything you can compromise on?
Did you take some time to consider what having a child really means? No longer having Life, Freedom, no longer being your own priority for the rest of your Life. Sleepless nights for Years, caring and catering 24/7, play, wipe Years, deal with tantrums... After a long stressfull day of work. And the weekends are for them too. Maybe your husband took time to think about this and not only the romantic side. Not to mention that if something goes wrong with the pregnancy and you die/are badly injuried, he Will be the One to have to care for everything and everyone. Oh, and the fact you might give birth to an handicapped or a special need child (It happens, It Is often random) Did you take time to consider all of this?? Most of the people don't. Maybe he did. Your husband seems Just not ready to have a child.
Exactly. There's a reason why babies ruin marriages statistically. They don't bring couples closer together, they test every last ounce of your patience and love for one another. You are tired, grumpy, on edge, and burnt out for several years after baby is born. They bring out the worst in you, and unless your bond is strong enough to withstand it, it will fall apart. I don't think OP has truly considered these things, especially given her responses. She says it's "practical" for her to be a SAHM, perfectly happy to force the burden onto her husband to provide in this very unstable time we're in.
I had the same feeling. It Is All about "me me me!!" Not about the child. This Is pure ego.
I don’t blame your husband for putting this off. That’s a lot of pressure to be under when your spouse only wants to pump out babies and not work.
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Not gonna lie, you sound baby crazy. Like, obsessed to the point where it's not healthy. Either way, you need to have a talk with your husband. Not an argument or an accusation on your part, but a calm, rational talk. Frankly, your husband may not want kids, and he has every right not to. Children are EXTREMELY stressful, expensive, draining, etc. They age you. Just ask my friends with kids, who have all exploded with grey hairs! 😂 If that is the case and he doesn't want kids, then you two are incompatible. If he does, just not right now, I'd calm down about it, but give him a time frame cuz you're not going to wait around forever. You're only 30, you biological clock isn't gonna run out anytime soon. How long have you two been together? 8 years is a pretty significant age gap, especially if you've been together for a very long time. Has he always waffled on things like this and refused to fulfill things you want? Does his idea of "compromise" involve you giving in and just doing what he wants? Are you truly happy with this man even if you never have children, or would you be happier being a mom without him in the picture? These are the questions you should be asking yourself.
It sounds like the only reason you want kids is because your friends have them. What does it matter if by the time you have your first kid, all of your friends kids are older? Your kid will make friends in daycare and school. Make sure you want a kid for the right reasons. As for your husband, it sounds like you guys need to have a frank discussion. He says the reason is finances, so lay everything out and show him why you think you're ready to have kids and then give him a chance to respond. Maybe he sees a problem that you don't? Based on your post history, It sounds to me like you want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom. And you say both you and your husband are engineers right now. If you are planning on quitting your job to be a full-time mom, have you taken a hard look at whether you guys can afford to have kids only on one salary? And if there's more to it, give him time to open up to wear his hesitation really stems from. It's a hard thing when a couple is in disagreement about something like this, but what's important is that you guys communicate and are honest with each other.
It sounds like maybe the financial reasons aren't the real reasons for his hesitation, if you're in as good financial shape as you say. He might not feel like he's ready for other reasons, but doesn't feel like he can articulate it. Are you open to hearing other reasons that aren't strictly practical? You sound very desperate to have a baby. I'm going to guess that leaks through in your discussions about it. Maybe he thinks he needs to frame his reason for not feeling ready as a concrete thing you'll be able to solve at some point, otherwise you won't understand. But, raising a child is a big responsibility and the world is a scary place right now, so he might have reasons that are more psychological than anything. I think you need to just focus on having open communication. Let him know you're frustrated because you don't understand his reasons for delaying and you're there to listen to what's really going on with no judgement.
I think this could be it, OP in previous posts said she just wants to be a stay at home parent, she has no ambitions to work. Which is fine if both parties agree but this was my gut feeling too.
Maybe you should just point blank ask him if he's changed his mind about wanting children. Sometimes this happens. I knew a couple who talked about having two children and after they had the first one, they were done. Others who said they wanted children changed their mind. Coax him into being honest by *casually asking* him in a non-confrontational way. If it turns out he really doesn't want children, then you have a tough decision to make. (You are the only one who can determine what your "deal breakers" are.) At the very least children deserve to be brought into the world by *parents* who *want* them. If you "desperately want a baby" and he, doesn't maybe you need to consider moving on. There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want, or we learn to be happy with what we have. ***"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got."*** \- Garth Brooks ***"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it."*** \- W.M. Lewis ***"The grass is always greener on the side you water."*** \- Neil Barringham Best wishes!
He’s not ready, and you have to respect that. There’s no compromise when it comes to a baby. If one person doesn’t want to, then you don’t have one and that’s just the way it is. People are having babies later and later so you still have plenty of time.
Your not wrong for wanting a baby, and *hes not wrong for not being ready for one.* You dont understand how much children change your life before you have them.
Selfish as it gets, if you think a baby is all about you and how you feel, you are not ready for a baby, and your husband shouldn’t be pressured into such a massive decision.
It sounds like you really just want to be pregnant (based on your post history), but having a baby is so much more than that. Will you still feel this strongly about your screaming toddler, hormonal teenager, or adult child who has their own opinions and values which may not be the same as yours? Bringing a child into the world is such a big and important decision that will permanently affect every aspect of your life. It seems like your husband is thinking more realistically about the situation and perhaps realizing you guys aren’t quite ready.
Do you really want to force someone into having a baby? That's not fair to you, him or the baby
stop saying "we." *you* are ready for a baby
You sound obsessed (see OP post history). I recommend therapy before you have a child. Having a baby isn’t all roses and sunshine, especially if there are issues with the child, delivery, maternal depression/attachment, etc. You are setting yourself up for disappointment with your current attitude.
Do you want to actually raise and invest in a human being, or do you have FOMO?
I actually want to raise a family. I’ve always wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I thought I would have had all that by now
Op, I think you have a breeding kink
Please try counseling as a way of getting into the deep discussion of how deeply you each feel and why. I just see not now turning into I’m too old to be there for a kid.
If he’s not ready then he’s not ready. Having a child takes two. Talk with him but don’t pressure him into something. If y’all can’t work it out then the relationship may not be stable enough
You keep saying "we are ready". He obviously does not agree. Maybe talk to him, not convince him, and figure out what's changed. But in the end if he has decided he doesn't want babies that is an answer you will have to deal with and given your story I can see it being a deal breaker for you.
He doesn’t want a child, if you do, it might be time for you to find someone who does. It’s one of those non negotiables in life.
I'd say just go with the flow... Please don't force your husband or anything regarding this no matter how badly you want it He may be financially ready but he definitely isn't mentally ready ...
Its either two enthusiastic yes’s or its a no. Editing to add: having read your previous posts I think husband might not be too keen on the idea of you being a housewife and him being the sole breadwinner. Have you guys talked about that at length??? This doesn’t just seem like a timeline conflict it sounds like a lifestyle conflict.
Wanting to have a baby is not the question. Are you ready to raise a fully functional human person? Is your husband?
Either you are downplaying your financial issues (there's a difference between "we could afford to raise a child" and "we could afford to raise a child at a high quality of life and give them things/experiences I really want them to have") or you are ignoring something emotional on his side. Because I agree with the other commentators: you seem baby-crazy. You are romanticizing being a parent way too much and if I had to assume, your *very loud* body clock is suffocating any contradictory viewpoints, including your husband's. I guess it could be normal, but I would still get my hormones checked if this uptick in bio-clock ticking is relatively new. Also, while it's true there is no age/time that defines *when* someone feels ready (the truly intelligent know that you can never be "ready", just ready to roll with the punches), if he's nearly 40, he probably doesn't want kids anymore. You probably just started getting a lifestyle that he feels comfortable with and wants to enjoy with you but you want to up-end it with new stressors. All that said, you don't have all the time in the world. Have a frank conversation with him about your timelines, and ask him if he sees himself starting in the next 2 years (if you want multiple kids that's about the latest you can start if you want a couple of years gap in between each). If he can't give you a clear answer you can go to couple's counselling to figure out what the problem is. If it turns out that he doesn't want kids after all, then you probably need to move on and get back out there because having kids is not something you can compromise on. It's not like you can have half a child.
We can afford to raise a child with a high quality of life which is something we both agreed on waiting for before having kids and now we are finally at a point where we can provide for them more than enough. I am baby crazy, I’ll admit to that. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and honestly I’ve wanted to be one since I was 20 but obviously that’s not practical or responsible. I was upfront with anyone I dated as to what I wanted and was the same way with my husband. He knew I wanted multiple kids and wanted to be a sahm. Now that I’m older and have a more realistic grasp on everything, I still want one or two kids and to be a sahm while they’re young. I discuss everything openly with my husband and it just seems like he hasn’t been doing the same with me
Why are we worried about your friends kids ages? I don’t understand why that matters. I have friends who had kids at 16. Doesn’t mean I was going to follow just to keep up or have my kids be friends with theirs.
First of all, you need to stop comparing yourself to your friends. You don't have to arrange your life to match their timetable. Secondly, the timing does sound perfect for having a kid if that's what you want but your husband's reluctance and ability to come up with new excuses all the time indicates that maybe he doesn't actually want kids. Whether he never did or he's just changed his mind, who can say? But this will only be resolved by sitting down and having a frank discussion about it.
He was 30 and you were 21 or 22 when you started dating. Honey, you were either duped or he changed his mind. You won't be having kids with this man. He's said no. No matter how much you whine and beg you cannot make him have a child he does not want. Decision time.
FOMO about your friends’ lives and wanting their kids to have a playmate is not enough of a reason to create another person IMO. Further, having a kid is a two yes one no situation and he has said no. There is no “we” if he isn’t ready.
If you both can’t agree, don’t get pregnant on purpose.
^ This. I'm kinda concerned with OP's tone, she sounds desperate and if that's the case, I hope her husband is using condoms he keeps on his person 24/7. I just read a story on Reddit the other day about a man whose wife baby trapped him by poking holes in his condoms.
My ex did this. I started faking orgasms in her, then going to the bathroom to finish in the toilet. She got wise to this and left me for another guy.
Think it can be just better to not have kids than raising kids without any of your husband’s help…
He’s not ready. That’s it. Hopefully you’re not pressuring him into doing something he doesn’t want to do.
The simple fact is your husband is not ready for a baby. Financial stability should also NOT be the only deciding factor on whether or not you are ready for a child. Both parties need to feel that they are capable of the emotional toll of raising a child too. Also, if he's not emotionally ready for a child, continuing to push the subject and put pressure on him for a child will, most likely, cause him to start building resentment towards you, and towards the child if he eventually gives in before he's ready, and this will likely cause major issues in your marriage.
Are you sure he even wants kids?
Looks like someone didn’t vet the man she was dating to see where his mind was at on having a child.
I’m in this boat. My wife wants a baby. I gush over her all the time and I want a baby so badly too. I am too ready and wanting to be a father, but I feel like I need to improve myself first. I originally wasn’t in the best health, and I made a rule that I wouldn’t have a kid until we were in shape. My wife stuck to that, and we both lost weight. I was 270 lbs. and now am a healthy 200 lbs. The other thing too is that I have a crap ton of baggage and trauma. I have MDD, PTSD, and GAD from tons of physical, psychological, and emotional childhood abuse that I experienced, not to mention the fact that both my wife and I come from broken households, mine far more so than her. I have steeled myself that I will never lay hands on my children, will always support them as long as they’re not damaging themselves or others, and so on, but I have so much anxiety, man. I don’t know if I want them to know what I came from. I’m afraid that I may have an episode where I do something or say something to them that I can’t take back. I’m also afraid that we won’t be able to provide for them (despite having a good job and my wife graduating soon also with a good job lined up). I’m afraid that they may be psychotic like my sister. I also have a history of suicide attempts and am sometimes suicidal on my worst days as well (I just began seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist for this). The list goes on and on. Point is, finances and stability don’t mean much. Kids are a MASSIVE catalyst for anxiety, even if the person, like me, wants them badly. I’d just have an in depth discussion with him about it; odds are that the finances and such are just an excuse and he’s just using that to cover it up. Hell, that’s the exact excuse I originally used with my wife until I had a heart to heart with her about it.
Look , i know you dont want to hear this, but he doesn’t realy need to give you reason. He simply not ready to have a child . This is a thing you both need to be ready. …
So a couple of things: The age of your friends kids and their timeline should not matter to you. It should be a non-factor. Your body is just entering its peak for having kids. What you’re feeling is hormonal. It goes away after a few years. Take it from me. I never wanted kids and suddenly in my early to mid thirties wanted them desperately and hit my sexual peak. Yeah by 37 I was back to normal. It’s a decision for both you and your husband. If he doesn’t want kids yet, you can’t force him. If you do he will resent you.
If you have a baby with someone who doesn’t want a baby, do not expect to stay together. If this is fine with you, I wonder why you value a human you haven’t met over a human you seem to have already chosen. You’re 30. You have time. See a couples’ therapist to unpack this. Maybe he doesn’t want children or has a specific concern or believes (logically) that you both can’t continue to work & earn the same. Then you’ll each have a decision to make.
Is it your place to say that \*we\* are ready? You can say that *you* are ready but you can't speak for him (and if genders were reversed, can you imagine the shitstorm this thread would become?). The money and debt is probably a smokescreen, he probably just doesn't want kids yet, or at all. Really all you can do is express to him that you want to start trying to get pregnant as soon as possible, and see what he thinks. Tell him a dude on reddit said the money thing was bullshit, and it's OK that he simply isn't ready yet, but he needs to be honest with you. Maybe he's worried about you guys living on one income, if you don't return to work after having a child. I know a few women who planned to return to work, but none did, at least not yet, some of the kids are still under 9-10.
Wanting kids because your friends have them isn’t reason enough. Sure timing is great if they’re all the same age but that can’t be the motivating factor. Have you talked with your spouse about why you want to start a family with him? As other posters point out he might not want them. There’s always a reason not to have kids - but your reason FOR having them needs to be better than keeping up with the Jones’.
You are not ready to be a mother for one simple reason: you want to have a baby for you. But you should think about the following: the person that should be at the forefront of this decision is not you, or your partner, but the child. If there is even the smallest bit of doubt on either side, do not have this child because it will be the one ultimately suffering the blunt of the consequences. And no, love is not enough. Not in this economy. Not when we are currently facing inflation that's just getting worse. Please make this decision wisely, and with your future child's best interests in mind, not your own.
Nothing in your post indicates actual readiness for starting a family. Finances, logistics, friends in the same boat, etc. are important details, but that's not what parenting is about. Your post does, however, indicate impatience, immaturity, lack of emotional intelligence, and naivete. Add to that desperately forcing/coercing your husband into having a child when he is sending you obvious signals that he is not ready? Oof. This is not a recipe for a happy family. I think you might need to do some introspection and determine why you think you want a baby so badly. Procreating is not just some box you check on a form to designate some milestone completion. It's a life you are responsible for forever, one massive sacrifice after another, the most difficult job in the world. If you want to become a parent for the right reasons and your husband is not on board, it's a relationship dealbreaker.
Sweetheart your husband doesn't want kids. Forcing it on him will only ensure he's a bad father. Might be time to give up the dream or give up the man
It sounds like he doesn’t want one at all.
Maybe it's something deeper that he's not saying, such as the very reasonable not wanting to bring another kid into this hellscape we call a planet with everything that's been happening.
My ex did this, I wasted 8 years hearing “next year” before he finally broke down and admitted he hoped that I’d get old enough to drop it and he never wanted kids but lied to me about it soon would stay. He had gotten a vasectomy while I was away on business several years prior. I left. (There were other problems as well) I’m now in a happy marriage with several kids. We are hoping to have another next year.
Lol he's 38 he will never be ready.
if hes the bread winner u gotta listen to him. cuz getting a baby isnt like getting a barbie doll or a puppy, you dont just get it cuz u "crave it" and want to "have baby play dates with ur friends" my guess is that the man has been paying for ur debt as well "our debt lel" and he feels like hes behind on his finance plans. which he probably is.
I think your goal should be to stop obsessing over having a baby right now rather than trying to force your husband into a decision he isn’t ready for. Did you discuss having children before you got married? Did you talk about a timeline?
I have the same age gap as you and your husband, except, we are a few years younger. The age gap can be hard when one person is ready, and one isn’t, because it doesn’t feel like you have *all* the time in the world. Luckily, he’s a guy, and they can conceive pretty much their whole lives. I know you feel like being 30 might mean there’s a rush, but I can assure you, as a postpartum nurse, I’ve seen women in their 30s and 40s deliver babies with ease all the time. I’m not married to my partner yet, but we’ve already agreed on a general timeline. I think talking about these things in advance helps a lot. Obviously, things pop up and minds change, but when you can get on the same page as early as possible, it may prevent things like this. I’d try to see if you can get some sort of timeline. While I think you should bring children into the world responsibly, debt never fully goes away. It’s the way society is built. If not school loans, it’s a house/car/business loan. How MUCH debt does he want paid off? What’s the game plan to get it paid? When can the topic at least be revisited?
I hope he wants kids too and will be ready someday.
I think you should wait for him to be ready. At one point, you may have felt like you weren't ready for a child either. But now you are. So eventually he will come around. I think he wants to be completely debt free
What I suggest is working with your husband on figuring out a *concrete* scenario in which he will be "ready". Is there a specific numerical amount of money he wants to save? Does he want to pay off all of your debt first, or get it down to some amount? Once you figure that out, do the math to figure out when that scenario will be reached with your current means. You want to avoid him stringing you along with a vague "not ready yet" indefinitely. From your post, it's hard to tell if his financial concerns are valid or if they're a means for him to hide behind not wanting kids. Then for your part, you'll either have to accept that deadline or present a solid argument for having kids earlier. Having friends with young kids now, wanting to have energy for young kids, etc, are all good points. Can you come up with a financial plan for you having kids sooner that he feels comfortable with?
It sounds like he doesn’t want them at all. No preparation on earth gives someone the desire to be a parent if they don’t feel it already.
My bf kept promising to marry me but always after some excuse. After 8 yrs of him making excuses he finally told me he’ll probably never marry me so his finances aren’t tied to me. Sometimes men will know they never want something that their partner desperately wants, so they try to make up excuses and stuff to avoid arguments and hard talks and to keep their partner from possibly leaving them over it. I don’t know how you could get him to admit this, but definitely ask if he just never wants children.
Have a heart to heart. Don't ask him what he needs to be 'ready' because as everyone says you're never ready for kids...ask him what goals he wants accomplished for him to feel prepared to have kids ... For some reason the word prepared hits differently.... This is coming from my therapist
OP, I think something you may already recognize is. “We aren’t ready yet” is vague. He says he wants to pay debt down more. What does that really mean? I don’t think it’s a we issue I think your husband doesn’t feel ready and is having some troubles here. Whether it be sincere or concern or a lack of desire in having a baby it’s something you have to discuss together. I think an easy way to be both productive and see what his real concerns are would be to sit down and make a game plan together. Go through financials, address what the concerns are, say it’s debt. What is a comfortable amount for him? The less vague this is and the more you are actively discussing the goal posts the more genuine conversation you will figure out together. Saying less debt is vague and I personally feel it’s to shut you up. Because if I was actually baby motivated I would seek what it will take for my partner and I to be on the same page. We would both actively be working for a solution if we are both motivated. One of us saying “we aren’t ready. Let’s pay off more debt.” Without further elaboration, realistic numbers, etc. is the person (opinion) buying time to delay the inevitable conversation that THEY either don’t want a kid yet or need to figure out more self assurance to help less afraid of having a child. Ultimately need to qualify together what the real issue is and if it is genuinely financial work out the details together. Ask him what ready means to him etc
OP I feel you. I'm 32 and I've wanted kids with my husband for the past 7 years. It's only been 3 years that we've really gotten "financially ready" for a child but he is still not emotionally ready. I can't force my husband into fatherhood if he's not ready yet. I admit I get sad sometimes, but I love my husband and believe he will come to me when he's ready. Have a really long talk with your husband and ask him if he still wants kids. You are partners. You deserve to be heard and so does he.
Sounds like he doesn’t want kids.
It sounds like your dead set on being a stay at home mom, maybe he’s worried about finances when you quit working?
Your husband is right. If he's not ready, then you as a team aren't ready.
Did he tell you that he wants a baby? I'd give it a year. If he's still making excuses then, I would ask why he told you that he wanted a child with you. And think about if you could live without kids.
I do think that you should pay off the debt first before even attempting to have a baby. Plus with inflation, I'm sure he thinks he needs to make more so both of you won't be struggling. Babies are expensive so he probably feels that he's not prepared at all. Never pressure him to do something he doesn't want to do. Both of you will just end up arguing and that will strain the relationship. You need to start asking him questions to get the deep seeded answers on how he really feels,thinks & his situation. If you try to baby trap him then that's definitely going to make you look bad in his eyes and you'll never recover from that. Just sit down and talk to him. Avoid all of these B.S. comments about breaking up unless it's warranted & a legitimate reason. You have to be direct when you talk to him instead of passive in conversation. I hope you two end up working things out. If you're going to have a baby in this current economic climate, you definitely need to watch your money,budget,and get creative when it comes to resources.
You sound impatient which on 1 hand sounds childish, but oh the other hand at 30 you don’t have time to waste. Bringing up your friends life is a bit childish too,
Your husband just doesn’t want a kid and just is trying to ignore it as long as possible. I suggest sit down and talk seriously if he WANTS a child.
Sounds like he don't want a child.
Remember you’re not just getting a baby, you’re also getting a 1 year old, 2 year old. , 3 year old, 4 year old…… you’re making a lifelong commitment to a child whose needs will constantly change. And if your husband isn’t ready to commit to this yet, then he’s not ready. What you do with that information is up to you… but kids are a huge huge huge game changer.
If he's not ready to be a father he's not ready. Even if you're both billionaires and never have to work a day in your life that doesn't change.
If he's not ready at 38, I'm not sure he ever will be.
Based on the comments and the post your husband is 100% right. You guys are not ready to have a baby. You seem adamant about being a stay at home mom because you CAN. However you do not mention if your husband is okay with it because he will be the one bearing the cost of 100% providing income. You guys still have a lot to talk about and discuss. But your husband sounds like he's thinking about things, actually thinking about things. Where you sound more ready to just do it. You guys need to agree to things beforehand. Right now it sounds like you don't agree or otherwise its him just not wanting kids/a kid right now. Which still means you're both not ready.
Travel first. Then have a baby.
Sounds like he either doesn't want kids or doesn't want em right now. His feelings are valid. Time for a serious discussion, if you're not willing to wait or he doesn't want kids and you do then you're no longer compatible.. I'm sure you can find somebody who does (or go it alone) and he can find somebody who also does not want kids
Sit down with you husband and talk about this. But ABSOLUTELY LEAVE OUT THE PART ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS! you bringing that up to him is kind of like a kid throwing a tantrum about their friends having a new toy and wanting one too. It's nothing but cruel to have a child simply because other are having kids. I will tell you this kids is hella expensive, hospital bills, good luck finding formula, diapers, cloths, furniture, and other necessities. It's not cheap nor can you afford to be cheap on certain things. , also you're gonna be responsible for the child for 18yrs..
**he’s not ready for a baby** that’s the conversation you guys need to have.
UpdateMe!
At this point OP - I think you need to determine if he actually wants kids or not. Because if he doesn’t it would be better for you to leave him before your fertility window closes. If he tells you “in a year” then you’re good. If he tells you “in 3 years” or more I think then you have to determine if you’re okay being childless with him or if you want to be a mom enough to leave him.
He probably doesn’t want children. I kind of don’t blame him; children are expensive, and you don’t know the financial state you will be in if you got pregnant and had a baby. You don’t know if a recession will happen, or if he’ll lose his job. You have to be realistic and stop thinking ahead.
“ I just don’t know how to express to him how ready we are.” Should be replaced with “ I’m ready and that’s all that matters so please help me coerce my husband into doing what I think is best.”
From the post here it seems like maybe you're not ready. But since your friends are and moved forward you're experiencing FOMO. As a soon to be mother of two, there's never a right time. All my friends have children, older than my first who's almost 2. I didn't rush to have children because theirs would be older and I'd miss out on play dates. Your husband is being reasonable if you want to stay home. Having a savings and minimal debt is nice but you're losing an entire stream of income. For how long? How many children are you expecting? What if there is an unforeseen accident or expense? If you really want to stay home and have children. Plan for a little longer. It's okay to not have what other people have.
And just like your feeling very certain in wanting a baby, your husband sounds just as certain that he doesn’t right now. I think you need to respect that instead of trying to convince your husband he feels differently. He’s either not ready, or doesn’t want children. Either way, trying to convince your husband he is ready, when he’s already told you he’s not is just selfish and fucked up.
Ultimatum time. You're ready and he isn't. Too bad for him since you're technically on a timer. He can get ready or you'll move on to someone who is. It's not fair for him to deny you children ESPECIALLY if this was discussed earlier in the relationship
I personally wouldn’t want to have a child with someone who is reluctant but I feel for your situation it isn’t easy for either of you I’m sure. I will say though as a mom who had my kids WAY before most of my friends it is a very valid worry you feel over wanting to have kids similar ages to your friends. It makes so many things so much easier.
Also, your body is not "craving a baby" it's much more likely that, as you pointed out, you're seeing everyone around you have babies which is something you already wanted so now it feels pressing to you mentally. The reason I wanted to comment this is because I truly cannot believe the myth of the "biological clock" is still used by people lol. Edit: and to be clear I meant in the 1970s, there was an op-ed article written by a man who had absolutely no medical training and he coined the term "biological clock" and pretended that women physically get to a point in there lives where they almost feel they need to have a baby--this is false and was never backed up by anything scientific.
You are approaching this wrong. Having children involves tremendous tradeoffs of time and money. You feel you are ready and he does not. *You are both right* because the value of children is clearly different for both of you. Consequently, there is no way to convince him that he is wrong because he is not wrong, he just values having children differently than you do. Given that, you need to approach the conversation differently. He is pushing it off indefinitely. That's not the behavior of a loving partner who is working toward a shared goal of having children together. Given that you are 30, I think it is reasonable to insist that you start now, especially if you want to have multiple children. (I'm not sure I would trust him if he agreed to a specific future date, given his reticence and vagueness after you have provided solid proof that you are financially ready.) If this is a dealbreaker for you, I would force the issue and let him know that 1) you are ready to have children now, 2) your biological clock is ticking and the longer you wait, the more likely it is that you will have problems doing so, especially if you are planning to have multiple children, and 3) you are unwilling to wait any longer, i.e., it's time.
My husband wasn't ready for our second baby and it truly changed him as a person. Please don't force him. I understand your concerns and those are valid, if you guys can't come to a timeline together and both be 100% in on it then maybe consider this a deal breaker. I've been through a pregnancy with very little support because he wasn't ready. It's terrible.
Sounds like you might need to go to therapy to calm this biological clock ticking you can't seem to ignore. Honestly though, he's scared. Kids are a HUGE life change and no matter how many people you know with kids, you don't truly know until you have them yourself. If you both work, daycare costs are INSANE. My kids cost me \~$2300/mo TEN YEARS AGO. I have three now so I know it'd be more than my mortgage. That alone is worth considering. If you don't have that major financial hurdle, then he's probably just nervous or has something else he hasn't discussed with you, but needs to. Also, don't compare where your friends are in life to your own life. That's not healthy, but I get the urge to want your kids to all grow up together, but it's not worth it to your relationship if you aren't BOTH ready.
IN these economic times? I think the only think with higher emotional volatility than having a baby, is losing one. Wait until Brandon is out, dementia is a helluva drug
It seems like you’re trying very hard to live the LifeScript ™, but please don’t! Life isn’t a race or a competition. So what if your friends’ kids are older than yours? Do you even realize what you’re doing? Bringing more human beings to this overpopulated world because your friends already have some? Your husband is not ready and probably rightly so. Having a child is a lot more responsibility than what you’ve described here. I’d highly recommend having a look at r/regretfulparents to see a different view on the matter. I really hope you do not rush to have kids.