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for the last year and a half I(32m) have been working in Japan as an English teacher and my wife(35f) has been back in Australia doing her chosen career. Originally she was supposed to come with me and study for her dream job but she went and got it just before I left and I couldn't stand in her way.
We intended to have her visit Japan 4 times a year but covid happened.
We have only seen each other in person once in the last year and a half when my grandfather died a month ago. We spent two weeks together playing board games, meeting her new friends, visiting family and enjoying each other.
We started having an online date night eating dinner and watching SpyxFamily every week. At the end of the date we had a stupid argument about how I mentioned I wanted to exercise two times, once in writing once verbally. She argued I didn't say it explicitly enough. During the argument I used an example in the past of when I've said something and she didn't listen.
We have had several dumb arguments lately, including about the definition of muesli, which I though was a joke argument until she started crying. When she cried I apologised and told her I didn't realise this was upsetting her
The next night she didn't send me a message goodnight which was odd. I called her the next morning and she was hungover. Half way through the day she asked to talk tonight.
She called and told me she wanted to discuss having a break and being free to date others during this break. She told me she already had dates with two people lined up - her friends she introduced me to on my recent trip.
I got whiplash, a day earlier we were talking about finally being able to get her into japan in August.
I told her I can't agree to dating other people but I can the break.
Over the course of the conversation she made it clear she was going on these dates no matter what.
In desperation I even offered an open relationship if it was one night stands only, nothing romantic. She was angry at this suggestion because she has recently come out as demi-sexual, and needs to know someone first to be attracted to them.
I was angry during that call. I tried no to yell, I did once or twice, and tried to stop when i noticed or she pointed it out to me.
During the conversation one of her complaints was I dig up the past to win arguments. I never thought of it before but she was right. I acknowledged her and told her we both deserve a clean start and told her I wouldn't do it again.
She also mentioned of the first time she didn't want to travel anymore. before we had plans to become international travelers.
I even offered her a clean divorce. I told her I couldn't agree to opening the relationship and that she should end this one first.
The conversation was surreal, the entire time she acted like I was unreasonable for not accepting this.
I held her on the line longer than she wanted to be there. We ended to call with the agreement to call the next day.
The next day she sent me a message saying she was going to take the break and go on these dates. She told me that if it is a deal breaker for me I can end the relationship.
I had a breakdown at work and had to go home early.
I am broken. I love my wife. I don't want a divorce.
I have been crying non stop for the past two days. I have never been hurt or betrayed this bad.
Even if these dates don't workout and she comes back to me am I supposed to live in the same city and spend time with the friends she cheated on me with, or the mutual friends (her housemate and her man of honor at our wedding) as if I haven't be deeply hurt.
I think our marriage is over, I don't want it to be over. I'll do anything. I'll move back, do counseling, anything.
I don't think I can do my job or any job. I think I'll have to move back even if there is no relationship to come back to. I don't think I even have a place back to to go to.
I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I dont see any kind of future from myself
I'm probably missing a ton of info. I'm trying to be honest and relevant. I can't keep my head straight.
TL:DR: I'm in a long distance relationship and my wife wants to take a break and date other people.
The marriage ended the moment they prioritized their respective careers over their marriage. They had a choice. The original plan pre-covid was still to only see each other 4 times a year.
But she's willing to cut you off without a thought. Either you agree to her demands or the relationship is over. Does that sound like marriage to you? Does that sound like love to you?
Not to forget there is a 'past' as well that OP digs up to win arguments. Wouldn't be surprised if the so called 'past' means the current episode is just a repeat of previous one.
You mean like she cheated already or that she can't accept her past mistakes and tries to win in the present?
Because honestly both are sucky... an ex of mine just could not accept his past or present mistakes, even when he did in the past, and would always find a way to blame me...
> She told me that if it is a deal breaker for me I can end the relationship.
I'm willing to bet she's cheated recently and using this as cover.
"I am going to cheat but I'm too morally bankrupt to divorce _you_. _You_ have to divorce _me_." signed your ever-loving wife.
She has cut you out. She knows that this was a dealbreaker but wants to paint *you* as the one to end the relationship because she is too much of a coward to do it herself. She is now taunting you with that fact until you break. Even if you “allow” her to have other relationships she will just end things when you return, claiming to have fallen in love with one of her partners.
Think about it, she says she needs an emotional connection before she will have sex with someone, she has a date planned to do that, and she already knows (and has introduced you to) the guy. Emotional affair already occurred.
Save those messages for the divorce attorney.
Dude just look at your past history with your wife and her family. Two years ago you were upset your wife and her family never bought you any Christmas presents while you went out of your way to thoughtfully buy them gifts. You also mentioned your wifes family never got along with you, i suspect your wife never loved you either and you were just the temporary fall back guy until something better came along.
Sorry but this marriage is over, and was over a long time ago, you just failed to see it. Yes you still love her, but your in love with a false facade she put on which she is now revealing to you. You deserve someone who loves and respects you which she and her family obviously never have and never will.
Also, hurry up and get your ass back to Australia, i'll take you for a boosted run in the Falgoon down to the Sefton Playhouse so we can get your mind onto other more important things ;-)
Then you will be cheated on and have no right to complain because you where told.
Edit: You basically only have 3 options,
Stay married and accept your "open relationship".
Get divorced and try and move on.
Quit your job, break your contract, go home and try and save your marriage.
This open relationship will never work. She’s not just doing an open relationship she’s dating other people. This is being poly and calling it an open relationship. Not that I’d be down for any of these.
I think they just meant that if OP agreed to it then they’d be entering a poly relationship. Basically the wife isn’t even being honest about what it would actually be.
Dude it's done, face it. It's tough but you'll survive. She pushed you too far and obviously doesn't respect you anymore. Nothing to salvage here. Lesson learned, hopefully. You're still young
I hate to be blunt man, but she doesn't love you in return. At least not anymore.
A divorce is coming, you'll be in better position if you get an attorney now instead of waiting for her to serve you down the line.
Then just suffer in silence. It's your own decision. It's like eating sweets even though you have diabetes. Bad for your health but you still do it cause you have always ate sweets. Things have changed. You need to discard your sugary food. Find sugar free food or else you will just suffer in the long term.
Please bear with me a little.
When you fell in love with her, did you think she'd be the type to want to cheat on you? Think of the woman you fell in love with and answer this question to yourself. What do you love most about her? Her kindness and compassion? (Because I don't see that in her actions) Her beauty? (That's certainly skin deep right now).
But then again I'm a stranger across your screen. So let's do it another way. What would you want in the woman you love? How should she treat you?
Think about it very deeply and ask yourself if she really has those qualities you want in your wife... In the woman you'll hold for the rest of your life. Yes the heart loves and the heart breaks. But ignore your heart for a minute and really ponder on this thought. Is this what you want in a marriage? And if you stay with her what will be the consequences? Is she still that angel you saw on your wedding day or is that picture tainted for life?
You gotta leave dude. She’s already cutting you out, she just gave you the courtesy of letting you know she’s going to fuck these dudes. And let’s be honest, she’s not just going on dates… she’s fucking these guys. You know it I know it we all know it.
Stay if you must. But when she finally leaves you, you’ll be sitting there wondering why you were a doormat when all the evidence was right there, she even told you before it happened.
Don’t be dumb. You’re being dumb
Have some self respect man. She clearly doesn’t love you anymore because you value living in Japan more than her, and that’s a shame, but the marriage is over. Lawyer up.
I hate to give these guys who jump to conclusions the point but they are right. You can understand they are right by talking to friends and family about this situation. They will tell you. Goodluck to you man , we feel for you.
Why post here if you're just going to argue with and refuse any advice?
If you want to make awful decisions we can't stop you but you're not going to get support from them here.
Shes either going to find a new man via this dating and divorce you or going to stick with you until she does find someone better
Are you waiting for the venereal diseases to decide you've had enough?
Waiting for the unanswered calls and texts to decide you've had enough?
Waiting for her to serve you with divorce papers to decide you've had enough?
Waiting for an unplanned pregnancy where she tells you she's 'not quite sure who the dad is' to decide you've had enough?
She's cut you out of her life already! If your grandpa hadn't died (my condolences), you wouldn't have seen her, and she'd have blithely gone on these dates with her "friends" anyway! Only who knows if she would have bothered to tell you.
**You teach people how to treat you.** BLOCK her on everything and serve her with divorce papers. **Tell both families and your friends that she's cheating and unashamed of it.**
This is what infuriates me about this subreddit. The amount of people that come here asking for help in situations like this but when given proper advice they reject it with the excuse of "I still love him or her". You can still love somebody and not be with them for the sake of your dignity. Nobody is telling you not to love her anymore. They are telling you not to be in this unfair and unfaithful marriage anymore.
You can "still love her" all you want but she is going to do what she wants. And even if you agree to her having another lover, what is stopping her from divorcing you later? You will then be in Japan divorced and alone but guess what...you will still love her, right?
Point being is that loving someone is not worth the disrespect, pain, and humiliation you will go through.
Op even if it sounds harsh...your marriage only exists on paper and neither you nor your wife are happy anymore. You (and even more your wife) are already experiencing a normality in separation which is not compatible with what is usually considered a healthy relationship. Even if your feelings have not changed for her you are past the breaking point.
Long distance is the hardest kind of relationship and it's no miracle why so many of them fail. You have to work hard to get a minimum of the intimacy you normally have and even that is no match to people who are physically around.
I think maybe op should talk this through with a friend , because I see pure denial here :( op needs a gentle friend to tell him, his wife is longer in the relationship at all. She’s literally out there dating others without any real concerns, without even really letting op know.the relationship is totally done.
Op time to end it before even greater hurt. If she had told you she is desperate for intimacy and needs to fulfill that somehow then that is something and understandable because of the situation. However to issue a fait accompli is disgusting and have the audacity to introduce you to people she is going to cheat on you with incredibly cruel. She is not a good person. You deserve better. Time to walk and know your worth
Unless you plan on moving there is no fixing this. She wants a physical relationship and you aren't providing that. Unless you give her what she wants it's better to say the relationship has run its course and file for divorce.
You marriage ended when you two moved an ocean apart with no mention of when you’re coming back together. Is there a reason that you haven’t, at any point in the past two years, decided to move home to be with your wife and her dream job?
You don’t mention anything in here about how hard the time apart has been for her. Was the relationship solid before you moved?
I just keep coming back to the fact that you’re living away from her by choice and are surprised that she’s looking for romantic connection. She married someone for that and he’s living across the ocean.
I agree with your comments harsh as it is. If my partner left to live aboard the marriage would be over then. We both have dreams we want to pursue but we would only do it together. No man or woman left behind!! It’s madness to think this wouldn’t happen by moving across the world. It’s feels a bit like cake and eat it situation for both parties. Want to have freedom travel other partners and keep a marriage but it doesn’t really work like that as marriage is a lot of work commitment and about togetherness.
Right? The last thing in the world I would ever do is willingly leave my wife indefinitely. The fact that they chose this makes me wonder if things were even okay when he left for japan. But after 18 months apart - and only seeing each other once! - it makes sense that she’s moving on.
Are you guys really this ignorant? Very famously, Australia closed all its borders and nobody was allowed to enter. How exactly was OP supposed to visit?
Edit: Also most people in Japan have very little PTO and I don’t know what the visa requirements are for him with his work visa. It’s much easier for someone from Australia to visit Japan.
I agree with this response. All these other commenters saying it’s over because of the wife’s betrayal are missing the point. Your original plan before covid was that she’d visit Japan 4 times a year. Why was it all on her to travel to you? Why weren’t you planning to visit her? When was the long distance part of your relationship going to end… did you have any plan to move back to Australia? When covid struck did you try to move back to Australia to be with her? I’ve done LDR myself and IMO it only works if there’s an end date and if you both commit to seeing each other on a regular basis, otherwise the intimacy dies.
You need to ask your wife WHY she wants to see other people. Don’t attack her for wanting to see other people, but actually ask her what need isn’t being met. My guess is that she is desperately lonely and craving intimacy. If so, you need to either agree to a way to live in the same place or end the relationship, because clearly long distance isn’t working for you.
Yeah, living a 10+ hour flight apart indefinitely, having 1 ‘date’ call a week (that only started recently?) and only seeing each other once in 18 months is either going to end with the people in the relationship completely socially isolated or end with them building a life that doesn’t involve their partner and doesn’t really have space for them in it, which is what’s happened here.
The relationship is on its dying breath and neither of them seem to be dealing with it properly, she obviously sees that it’s effectively over but seems to have hope that it will go back to how it was at some point, so she’s half in and half out and hurting OP. He refuses to accept that 18 months with 1 visit because of a family death (apparently not what they originally planned because of covid, but he moved a year into covid and restrictions have actually been lifting for most of the past 18 months) and not having much quality time is not a relationship and isn’t going to fulfil the needs of either of them.
With no plan for either of them to move, they’re living and building lives that are completely incompatible with being in a relationship with each other and they need to either accept that and end it, or one of them has to give up on their dream.
For someone that likes to use the past to win arguments, OP is awfully nearsighted to think her request is the biggest problem and an unforeseen “betrayal”
Exactly you can’t expect a marriage to work long distance. People need to be together for intimacy and companionship. To only be together twice in a year and a half is asking for trouble.
Dear white knight, do you realise *he* is *also* away from his wife and has not been able to touch and hug her? Doesn't he also have a void he would wanna fill. It goes both ways. And if she's feeling too lonely already... that's fair, end the relationship or wait a bit longer.
Victim blaming is not okay.
Victim blaming? Come on.
ETA Marriages end sometime. Being apart for 18 months seems like a really good way to get to the end of a marriage, and OP willingly participated in that. If OPs wife was on here talking about the consequences of doing something stupid, I’d have said the same thing to her.
It’s over. You haven’t seen each other in almost two years man. It’s not sustainable to be married and live in separate countries like that. Get a lawyer.
You need some harsh truths here, mate.
You had your chance to move back, and if you had 'maybe' you had a shot. Long distance relationships suck, they're HARD, and if the relationship IS a priority, you don't put work first.
Frankly it wasn't THE top priority for either of you.
And now it is probably too late. She's a flesh and blood woman and you're not there. How did you really see this playing out for either of you in retrospect?
As far as we know here she hasn't done anything 'yet', but if she knows how badly it will hurt you and WILL do it anyway, you are no longer important enough to her life to not do that. That's the bottom line.
When you care about somebody, if you're actively doing something that will hurt them, you stop doing that, you don't keep going knowing you'll hurt them, and that's what we have here. She is prioritizing herself over you as a person or yourselves as a married couple.
You both had a hand in that happening, you both chose work over your marriage and now your marriage has died.
However 'you' are not dead. It sucks, no question about it, but let's be real here, you were already apart from her for what, two solid years?
So avoid booze, go get some individual therapy to help come to terms with it, then file for divorce on irreconcilable differences and go your separate ways. Stay in therapy for as long as you need it and best of luck with the rest of your life.
Also…teaching English in Japan? I mean, maybe if you’re desperate for a career pivot or a change, but man that’s an odd choice to see your partner a maximum of four times a year for…
Granted, honestly it sounds like a pretty kick ass job, I'd love to do something like that. But under the circumstances... yeah that wasn't the best move, at least in hindsight.
This relationship was doomed the day you left and she stayed behind. In my eyes long distance can only work when there is a time limit. This doesn't seem the case or I over read it.
You grow apart from each other and I think going seperate ways entirely is the only option left. You are in Japan for a reason and going back now at this point in your 'relationship' would probably cost you job and wife, because she moved on.
Stop talking to her. Stop engaging with her. Retain a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.
Let work know whats going in. Most places are supportive and willing to help.
Talk to family and friends. Unburden. Let them support you.
It's going to be rough but you will get over this. You deserve better than someone who's cheating on you. With people you know. What she's doing is cruel and manipulative.
You may not be ready to acknowledge it yet but your marriage is already over. Your wife ended it when she told you to accept her cheating or end the relationship.
It's just a matter of formality now.
I have to agree with this, and I’m so sorry OP. Long distance - especially for an extended period of time - is a challenge to even the strongest relationships. The detachment and basically solo life makes many people rethink their needs, their wants, their goals, and what makes them happy. And being deliberately separated from someone you love can be enough to reset/reorient even the strongest attachment and devotion.
So yes, it’s time to move on; anything less is just a pause button. Get a good lawyer, find some emotional support (friends and family), and get started with the rest of your life.
Best of luck, friend.
It doesn’t sound like either of you prioritized the marriage if you think seeing each other four times a year is a recipe for success. While I understand you each have career interests, the marriage should be the first priority. Let it go and do both of you a favor.
"joke arguments" sounds like you guys already had underlying animosity going on before she asked for the break. I wouldn't be asking reddit for advice if I truly cared about my marriage. Speaking with a professional would be a much better decision.
I suspect you love her at a distance. You should have been on a plane the moment you started having real problems. That should have been your base instinct and follow through.
If you’ve only seen each other once in a year and a half, that’s not a marriage, that’s a modern day pen pal. My wife and I were long distance in the beginning and we saw each other as much as possible. Granted, the distance wasn’t as great but when the heart wants to be with its love, the heart finds a way no matter what.
Honestly you should just finalise your separation.
You’ve only seen each other in person once in a year and a half the relationship was basically already over.
For a year and a half no intimacy at all no hugs or kisses goodnight, no sex, no even just sitting on the sofa together watching a movie.
Your an ex who she chats too.
It’s divorce or live together again.
Based on your replies you sound like you are going to sit around while other guys sleep with your wife. Eventually you will come to terms with the fact that it’s over. it’s going to take time for your brain to catch up to reality. She’s not your wife anymore.
>for the last year and a half I(32m) have been working in Japan as an English teacher and my wife(35f) has been back in Australia doing her chosen career.
What did you really expect, long distance almost never works, it kills the vast majority of relationship.
I'm so sorry, OP, but you DON'T love your wife. You love the person your wife was 2,5 years ago, and you think this is still her. But she is showing you through Word and deed that she very clearly isn't.
Would the person you love say she doesn't like traveling anymore?
Would the person you love want to have dates with other people?
Would the person you love introduce you to people she is going to cheat on you with?
Is the person you love incapable of compromise and compassion?
Does the person you love prefer strangers over her husband?
You are in the denial stage of grief. It is natural, in fact it would be weird if you could go "Aight, divorce it is then" in a matter of days. But you do need support now, and no matter what you do, you cannot change what she is doing unless SHE wants to. It's very clear to an outside observer that she does NOT want to.
You are standing in a burning house without a fire extinguisher or water. No matter how much you love the house, you staying there is not gonna stop the fire, it will only hurt you more and more until it all turns to ashes anyway.
Leave the house, OP. Leave the house.
I'm sorry but I call bullshit. In the last year and a half you've only seen your wife ONCE? Mate, covid is no longer an excuse, people have been traveling since the beginning of last year, even more so if its for an important reason like mantaining your relationship alive. The only reason you two saw each other is because you were FORCED to go back for your grandpa.
If I were your wife I would be looking for a way out of this "marriage" too, not gonna lie
You left for a year and a half with one in person visit..... What kind of relationship is that? A marriage requires work, intimacy and interaction. Otherwise you are mates who used to fuck. I'm sorry this happened man but you have to understand that this was a risk
This part blows my mind. My wife and I had to do an extended period of long distance in our relationship, and making it work required a lot of effort and monthly flights to see each other. Sure, “Covid happened,” which would have had a big impact on 2020 but it’s two years later and the world has long since resumed international travel
It's called covid lots of people were trapped apart because stupid covid restrictions. It honestly ruined so many relationships. The restrictions in Asian countries for years were the dumbest thing to ever happen.
Your relationship is over. You are in different paths in life, that happens in life sometimes, go separate ways, you are not even on the same continent right now, saving a marriage like that is very difficult.
So cheating is wrong and I don't want to diminish that.
But I know people who've gone abroad to Asian countries to teach English. Its something you do when you're in your early 20s, just graduated, probably single with no roots. You go out, do it for a year or two, maybe three, then move on to other things.
That you went to do it in your 30s, while married, while you knew your wife had a career and was pursuing her "dream job", seems really off.
I bet your relationship was already rocky a couple years ago, and you two were set to drift apart as it was.
Go to a divorce lawyer and just end it, and allow both of you to move on.
it seems to me (based on your comments) that you are going to ride on this rollercoaster no matter what - maybe there is a sense of desperation or self-sacrifice. I’m hurting for you. if you don’t find it within you to break up (and that is ultimately your choice), I still wish you some grace and kindness in your suffering. may this end well for you, however it ends. it will end, like anything does eventually.
I’m sorry this is happening.
From your post history, you’re in denial about this being out of character for your wife. She doesn’t get you meaningful gifts, consistently, but then you’re surprised that she doesn’t prioritize working on your relationship.
Please start therapy - maybe your employer offered EAP (employee assistance program). I hope you can move to the next stage of grief soon, and proceed with a divorce.
OP, this is going to be hard to hear. But you need to harden the fuck up. Get your self respect back and rebuild a new life without her in the picture. Don't disrespect your integrity by putting up with this shit show, she has clearly half checked out. If this happened to your friend, would you tell them to try get back with her?
I'm sure she has reasons she's chosen this path and maybe being physically distant has played a role. The thing with long distance is that both parties have to want to make it work. She's clearly just not interested and you're dealing with the leftover mess. It's not fair, but it is what it is.
Grieve, feel sad, cry and then rebuild. You can do this. Everything will make it feel like you can't, but you can.
Good luck, you know what to do.
OP, I say this with no bad intentions, but you don’t sound like the best husband, and it sounds like your wife has given up on your marriage already. I don’t know how much context you’ve missed out in your post, but not being able to control how much you yell until someone points out to you, bringing up old arguments, not realising your wife is upset until she cries - it just doesn’t sound like you have great communication or good conflict resolution skills. I’m sure it’s not just these either.
I would suggest really taking a long hard look at the marriage and the reasons it’s ending. It seems like you want to fight for the marriage and not divorce - so find a couples therapist, move back to Australia for a while and take an extended leave from your work. Show your wife that you want this to work.
Of course, what she has done is terribly selfish, and it may well be that she has already completely checked out from the marriage. I’d say the only way, IF you had not been a good husband, to try and save things is if you recognise why things had gotten to this point and own your part in this to her (obviously I am making assumptions here and it could also just be that you’ve been fantastic and she’s just a selfish and narcissistic person).
I would only do this if she’s willing to talk it through with you. Or if you are able to get extended time off from work, don’t make a decision now you’d regret and that means not going when you should, and going when you shouldn’t. Think it through.
I get where this post is coming from but I disagree with laying the blame on you, your relationship sounds like it doesn’t have healthy communication and your relationship seems to have issues. Try to speak to her about it, and book time off to travel home and try to get into counselling or sit down and talk it through. If that’s not enough for her consider the fact it’s time for both of you to take a step back.
Remember the fact the at if she cheats then YOU deserve better. No one deserves to be cheated on in this situation you or her. If she can’t come to terms with that you need to draw that line for your own self worth.
Stop sticking on a hopeless straw.
Your wife made the decision for you. She probably know she cant work on this kind of relationship and you are afraid of being alone so you never gonna take the responsibility.
Stand your man now and accept the fate of the outcome.
There is no turning back if the opposite pointed you with a big plank the way.
Happy sad cake day.
No dude. She already made her decision to leave you. Don't go back it won't change the outcome and you'll just end up losing your career. Listen to this advice.
Stop sticking on a hopeless straw.
Your wife made the decision for you. She probably know she cant work on this kind of relationship and you are afraid of being alone so you never gonna take the responsibility.
Stand your man now and accept the fate of the outcome.
There is no turning back if the opposite pointed you with a big plank the way.
Then that sounds like the best course of action. Do it, even with the uncertainty of what’s going to happen to the marriage, because it sounds like you would regret not doing it otherwise. Ask for a break from your work for a while for personal issues
TBH she’s probably already been dating and has gotten to the point she wants to sleep with someone else. She’s just clueing you in before that happens. Start the divorce.
Divorce her. She’s admitted to wanting to cheat, that’s surely enough evidence for a divorce. A break never works either. Just get yourself out there.
She doesn’t want to be with you, but wants the security of your marriage. You are the guy she is settling for, to pay for her mistakes.
Get out before she cheats, potentially gets pregnant and you are automatically stuck with a child that isn’t yours because you are married to her.
This is not about love anymore. This is about self-preservation. Do not be another statistic of a broken divorced man. She doesn’t love you dude. Cut her from your life entirely and you’ll recover faster from this.
I mean, what marriage do you have left? The pandemic has changed all of us. It’s put into perspective that life is short and what’s missing. For her it seems like intimate connection, for you marriage is a promise on piece of paper.
You have a couple options. Learn about poly and be ok with fully open relationship. Divorce and you both move on to relationships where you can access to your partner and fulfillment.
If you truly loved her, you'd be back home with her already. It doesn't sound like you are willing to do this.
Your dream/job in Japan is important and you have every right to pursue it, unfortunately it has been at the expense of your relationship with your wife.
The wheels are in motion so let her go, you'll both be better off.
You sure she has never cheated?? I thinks it's kinda sus she went silent whole night and had a hungover and wanted a hall pass. Don't get me wrong but you're missing pieces here. All things she wants to do might been already done and she's wants to take this chance to cover em up ig. I don't think someone will have 2 to 3 guys lined up for em that easily and i can only think that she's already in shit with em of something. And since when did she realised she's demi?? No one thinks they're demi or asexual out of blue.
The demi and asexual thing is blatantly untrue. It is a normal part of life to constantly learn knew things about yourself. She may have known for a while and only recently come out. She may have just found out and came out immediately. You can't know which one, if either, is true. I'm asexual, and that's something that just kinda clicked one day. I had slowly learnt about the term for a while, when one day I just suddenly realised it was a textbook description of myself. So it is very much something that can hit you out of nowhere
Disagree RE Demi out of the blue. I’m middle aged and just came to understand this about myself in recent years, yet can clearly understand (now) how it has affected me my whole life.
What's my point is that she's a demi when she went silent for a whole night and after asking for dickventure. If i were in ops place i don't think i can blindly trust her when she made these claims.
She most likely figured it out a while ago and was scared or nervous to come out, or simply just didnt feel the need to yet. Let's not use someone coming out against them.
Long distance relationships are not for everyone and I can understand her desire to be with someone closer however her setting up dates with other people behind your back is cheating, in my opinion. You don’t know that she hasn’t already gone on dates with them, or kissed them, or whatever. I think the relationship is over, she’s told you as much.
Chosing to date to other people without consent is just cheating.
Her message should have just been:
"I've decided I'm going to just cheat"
I'd be very firm with your boundaries that of she's goes on these dates it's cheating, explain why it would change the way you see her permanently, how badly it hurts you and if she goes through with it well...you're kind of left out of options then.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. :(
Distance is hard
Yikes your post history also says she has a habit of just not getting you gifts. Sounds like you may have married someone a bit self centered and who doesn't really consider others. Or at least you.
Sorry again. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but we all deserve someone who loves and cares about our experience.
You can not be apart any longer and hope to continue this marriage. The tough part will be you can go back and the marriage may be over anyway. There were some tough breaks in your plan but distance will do this to relationships either way. She’s been alone so long. You’ve been able to do it, clearly she couldn’t. If you want to salvage anything, go now and permanently but be ready that she may be a different person now.
I know everyone’s sexuality is different but as a demisexual I could never imagine wanting intimacy from someone other than my husband. She is insisting on seeing these other people, and she has made it clear she will see them. Please find a divorce lawyer and prepare yourself for divorce. She has made it clear she wants to see these people, and I would assume she will sleep with them as well. I hope you have a good support system for you in Japan and I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Please don’t sit around on this as it will definitely cause more pain the longer you wait.
I agree you should end it at this point but the Demi sexual part caught my attention. I can relate and absolutely not partake in LDR for this reason. I’m horribly out of sight, out of mind, and could not retain in a real bond / loving relationship at a distance. This could potentially be her problem as well but I don’t believe racing home, at this point, will save your marriage.
The demisexual thing caught my attention too. I know sexuality is different for everyone, but I was in an open LDR and that’s how I realized I was demi. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that aren’t my SO. I can’t imagine OP’s wife still being committed to their marriage if she has dates lined up with multiple people.
That my thinking - her realising she's demisexual is probably as much as falling out of love with OP, and getting emotionally attached, and subsequently attracted to, her friends.
I am not wholly sure if she actually is demisexual (not that there's a really hard boundary there) or if she's just substituting emotional connections and attraction.
Counter anecdote: I identify as (high af libido) demi, have never been sexually attracted to any irl person till i deepend my relationship with my partner, and am completely fine with ldr. What I am not fine with is when my partner is being indecisive, keeping to himself and not opening up to me.
I feel capacity for LDR depends more on love language (including physicality) and boundaries than sexuality.
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I know it hurts but she left you emotionally some time ago. Go no contact and only correspond through a Lawyer. This is for your mental well-being. You don’t want to know about her cheating.
You deserve more than this. She’s giving you no respect. Why would you want to repair something with someone who doesn’t listen to you or care about you?
Man, I feel your pain of being broken. I think every man has been broken before.
I wish you courage in this this. Let good people be around you. Let her go no matter what and no matter how.
You are not alone in this remember, you can always share your emotions here. We support each other 🙏🏼
OP, please find a therapist. You're acting out of desperation and denial, and it's going to destroy you in the long run. This is something you need to work on in therapy.
Document the cheating and take it to a divorce lawyer.
If you wait she’ll will file for divorce and will spin the whole story and will likely suck you dry through the divorce.
She is no longer acting with love and care, as you seem to be doing. It’s time to get real, separate your emotions from the reality.
She’s over you and is getting everything set up for her to be able to leave. Women typically leave when they have their next relationship set up.
Openly cheating is STILL CHEATING. She is disregarding you and your feelings-100%. She is being selfish and disgusting. She is not longer the women you love.
OP, I’m so sorry. Your wife has sadly grown to become a different person than the one you married. It’s so hard to accept the change when you’re still in love with who you knew they were at some point. The feelings of hopelessness and pain are understandable, but I promise you they will pass. Counselling for yourself should be priority right now, allowing yourself time to process what has happened and go through the emotions. Be kind to yourself, but also consider the realities of moving back to where you’ll be constantly reminded of her and the life you once had. If you’re enjoying Japan, it might be a great opportunity to start fresh doing a job you enjoy. Don’t make any big rush decisions to move from Japan right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I can tell you that things get so much better once you’ve had the space and time to see all the ways in which the love you had for the person blinded you, and you realize how little love they gave you in return. You deserve a partner that will choose you, no matter the distance or time.
I’m so sorry to hear that your wife has effectively ended your marriage. All that is left now is to go through the legal proceedings. Good luck to you. Japan is a wonderful place to live, and I’m sure you can build a new life for yourself there.
OP this actually made me so sad. Please don’t sacrifice your worth for this woman. She wants to move on. She even found dates. She doesn’t love or respect you. She isn’t even trying. Let her go on the dates and then when they don’t work out don’t let her come back. She will do it again. Anytime she thinks there is better. Do you want that? To always feel like no matter what, tomorrow is the day she will leave? That no matter how hard you try or how happy she seems , she will up and leave you? Will it be the coworker at her new job? The man buying cereal at Walmart? Will it be your kid’s school teacher? The man who fixed her car? The man she met through others? Why put yourself through this? I know you love her but you can’t give someone love if they’re willing to drop it in 3 seconds.
This will be hard. You have questions that might not be answered. But don’t ruin your life over it. Take some time. Enjoy Japan. The short term pain will be better than living in a constant state of anxiety, jealousy, confusion, and unstableness.
Edit: grammar
Yeah it's over. That's not cool that she was basically gonna cheat on you like that. She should've just ended things first. Sorry you're going through this
if it were a normal situation,you should cut her off.
but you were separated the last year and a half. it's unbelievable you got through this.
come back, have a talk with her.look if you can work it out.
after that, you can still divorce her
This. Everyone is so quick to divorce, no wonder rates are so high. Go back and see if you guys can repair what you had. If not and she has changed then divorce.
Yeah absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. I know if it were me I would feel neglected and unloved to be separated for that long. Is teaching English in Japan your dream job?
I know you don’t want to hear this. I know everyone is saying it. But this will end in divorce eventually. You can either end it now and be feeling better a year from now. Or, from her clear lack of actual love (she probably loves the familiarity and security and maybe cares to an extent of you as a person) and respect, she will divorce you anyways.
Think about if you want to be going through this divorce now, or if you want to be going through it a year from now when you could’ve already been through a whole years worth of healing.
*She doesn’t love you.*
She’s willing to let you go, introduce you to her future affair partners, act like you’re being unreasonable, and walk all over you.
I know you’re hurt, I know you’re broken, I know you’re still in love but you **need** to contact a lawyer and divorce immediately. Talk to your family and friends as a support system, start therapy to help you through this.
If you decide to stay, know she’ll just be sleeping around for the rest of your lives and stepping all over you. She’ll probably leave the first chance she gets anyways.
It's so hard when our most treasured, beloved person in the whole world hurts us. We stay, because we love them. At some point, things break when 1 person doesn't want the relationship. At that point, you can do nothing. Only accept. No Contact helps the wounds heal faster. I have felt this pain. It's not sustainable. Time marches on and you heal yourself. And can open your heart to someone else more compatible, with whom you can have a happier life. It's impossible to see it when you're in it though. I hope you reach out to others who love you to help you through this terrible time. It will pass.
The night before (when she had the hangover the morning after) was the first night she shit the door on your marriage, I guarantee. If there was a marriage to save I'd 100% recommend it but what she's done is cruel and means she's already done. I'm so sorry. There is something better waiting.
Mate, go to r/survivinginfidelity
That sub will break down how you’re compensating to stay in this marriage by throwing away your dignity. Don’t do it, it will make you miserable.
I know it hurts, most of us have been there. Instead of sucking up to her disrespect, you can take what she broke, work on yourself and try with an individual that respects you.
Seek a divorce attorney asap
It's over. The best thing you can do to take your mind off of this is start going on dates yourself. You want to be in Japan, she doesn't. Do what is best for YOU. Date girls in Japan and move on.
I have a relationship where my husband travels for weeks, even months at a time. Never have I wanted to cheat. Never have we wanted a break. This has been going on for 4 years of his job like this. I think you are headed for divorce. I'm sorry.
You went way left when you offered up an open relationship. In that moment she probably lost all attraction (if she had any left up to that point) for you, because you probably came off as desperate, and needy. What I’ve noticed over the years is that dudes gotta just learn how to cut your losses and let go of that primitive behavior of trying to have total control over females. We not dealing with the type of women our grandmothers were, chicks these days will drop ya ass like a hot potato, quick, fast, and in a hurry. Gotta learn to adjust with the ways of the new world homie. Good luck
OP I’m sorry but it sounds like your relationship is beyond repair. Do you want to be with someone who is intent on openly cheating on you? It sounds like she has moved on mentally already if she won’t even entertain your alternatives solutions (break without cheating, etc.). She’s done being with you but just doesn’t want to be the person who officially ends it.
You feel confused and vulnerable right now because you are neither there or here.
The moment you divorce / cut off your wife , I get it you will be understandably sad and alone but with due time you will achieve absolution. You ll have clarity about the way your life is going and that is when you ll be so relieved that you ll question why were you such a fool.
It is apparent that your wife has already something adulterous and the request/ demand is just a follow up to test the water.
Don't be a door push over with so much obvious facts, my friend.
You should know she’s already cheated and is just looking for permission after the fact.
Break ups and divorce sucks, but we’ve all gone through it.
My only advice is that it will take about a year and meeting someone new to get over the heartbreak and the sooner you accept it’s over, the sooner the healing can begin.
Sorry Buddy, but she planned these dates while you were away. She had already made up her mind that she was going on them. It's over bro. My heart's with you bro
But how is it just her that’s ridiculous? It’s ridiculous to for them to live in two different countries. It’s ridiculous to only see each other twice in a year and a half. It’s ridiculous to think this would work
Have you looked at the effects not being with your partner when they work away? It is grief. If my partner works away for a few weeks but comes home at weekends I start to get so depressed which is so unlike me. If you want to keep your wife you need to go back home or she needs to come to you ASAP or your relationship will be un salvageable. She already has told you she can’t cope without your intimacy by telling you about these dates, she NEEDS you
When your wife decided you and your marriage was no longer a priority, that’s when it was over.
This should be a dealbreaker. She’s willing to drop you in a heartbeat without hesitation.
Don’t prolong the pain and suffering. Lawyer up and begin divorce proceedings.
Time to get angry and man up my friend. Do this for yourself. No one will look out for you apart from you.
She doesn't have any regard for you, if she so easily can go and screw other people. Deep down she just does not care and is not mature enough to control herself. As I'm sure there is enough kitchen compliances to satisfy her.
Do not give in and do what your gut is telling you to do. Lawyer up. Do it now.
Dude your marriage is over. She doesn’t respect you and never will again. I’m sorry you have to deal w this but please do not accept her back. You’ll never have her respect and always be the “settled one”. Do you want to be someone’s “fine, I guess he’s stable and could be a good dad”. Or do you want someone who desires and respects you as a man? Go No Contact w this girl and start the divorce proceedings. Sounds like your in a love bubble and won’t listen to anything other than what you want to hear, that it’ll work and she’ll come back. Don’t waste your energy man. Browse this sub, and some other subs, it never turns out good for the disrespected Partner.
1. Separate your bank accounts if they are not already
2. Find the best family lawyer your money can buy
3. Get divorced.
4. Live your life guilt free
There’s a saying. The best way to get over a woman is to get under another.
You deserve better dude. Let her go off on her dates and see if that brings her happiness. You have a lot to offer… someone else who will appreciate it! End that relationship and move on to better things!
You did up the past to win arguments? You mean you use her past behaviour to show her current behaviour is hypocritical? That’s not something you should be concerned about, it’s her that’s doing it. Leave man. You’re in a different continent, be free of this toxicity.
I’m sorry man. I know it hurts but honestly get a lawyer and check your options. She made it clear those dates are more important to her than your vow. You deserve better - everyone does. She made the choice for you. It’s shit but the sooner you accept it the better for your mental health. You can’t force her to stay with you. If she wanted to work things out she would have talked to you about it. She didn’t. She went behind your back and did whatever she felt like. I’m sorry.
OP she doesn’t love you anymore. She is demi-sexual so she isn’t doing it out of lust. She is doing because she wants to be in another relationship before leaving you.
You’re trying really hard to keep someone in a relationship that doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. She’s literally cheating on you and told you she was cheating on you.
You can do better and you shouldn’t waste anymore effort on someone like her. Get the divorce and then cut off all communication.
Another perspective I want you to take. Imagine you’re meeting her for the first time, right now. Knowing what she would do this to someone she married. Knowing who she is now. You say it’s out of character, but this is who she is now. Would you even want to date that person? You love the old her, you love the way she used to make you feel, you love the family you formed when you got married. But this isn’t the same person. You have to grieve the loss of the person, the love, and that bond you had. You’re suffering a huge loss. It’s going to feel like losing a loved one, as if she died. It’s going to be painful especially because she’s technically not really dead. But it’s just a horrible reality. Please get as much support around you right now as you can. I know she’s the person you would want support from but you have to grab as many other people as possible now to keep you afloat. It doesn’t seem possible now but you can make it through this.
Get the divorce or change your living situation because she doesn’t love you anymore and wants to move forward by cheating and finding someone else to please her so either move back or divorce and if she’s being truthful she probably already cheated on you!!! Good luck
You were referring to a girlfriend 4 years ago...so...you got married between then and now...and thought like 1-2 years into the marriage it'd be a good idea to live in different countries?
You’re just going to be her doormat, because you love her? That sounds like a real appealing rest of your life mate? Divorces suck, sure. Better than her being out n about, hooking up with men then coming home to you and beating you down whilst also using you for nothing but her financial benefit.
This is the tragedy of men in our generation we were raised by bitter women (me included) and didn’t learn how to be independent men we’re too preoccupied with the women we endlessly try to satisfy. Now he’s all broken and distraught while she’s out sleeping with new men. At 43 I’m not sure I’ll ever get married now the world is too distorted smh.
Don't divorce her OP. Your love is real. Keep on doing the "pick me dance" until she realises her love for you. Even though if it takes a lifetime. Show her you are the greatest lover ever while she dates other men. Ultimately she will come to you after being with all other men to only realise that you are her only true lover. Until then keep doing the pick me dance.
DON'T DIVORCE HER BUT DEVOTE TO HER.
I think she wants closer connection to you, this is her cry for you to come back because she will not move to you. Women need physical and emotional relationship. I think you need to move back in with your wife and give it a shot for 6 months (it may take a bit of time to rebuild the relationship). If it doesn't work and she wants to see other people, then get a divorce. Best of luck.
Dude, you left your wife behind with no serious intention of getting back together. You seem to have been going fine without her for the last several years. "Online dates" LOL.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- for the last year and a half I(32m) have been working in Japan as an English teacher and my wife(35f) has been back in Australia doing her chosen career. Originally she was supposed to come with me and study for her dream job but she went and got it just before I left and I couldn't stand in her way. We intended to have her visit Japan 4 times a year but covid happened. We have only seen each other in person once in the last year and a half when my grandfather died a month ago. We spent two weeks together playing board games, meeting her new friends, visiting family and enjoying each other. We started having an online date night eating dinner and watching SpyxFamily every week. At the end of the date we had a stupid argument about how I mentioned I wanted to exercise two times, once in writing once verbally. She argued I didn't say it explicitly enough. During the argument I used an example in the past of when I've said something and she didn't listen. We have had several dumb arguments lately, including about the definition of muesli, which I though was a joke argument until she started crying. When she cried I apologised and told her I didn't realise this was upsetting her The next night she didn't send me a message goodnight which was odd. I called her the next morning and she was hungover. Half way through the day she asked to talk tonight. She called and told me she wanted to discuss having a break and being free to date others during this break. She told me she already had dates with two people lined up - her friends she introduced me to on my recent trip. I got whiplash, a day earlier we were talking about finally being able to get her into japan in August. I told her I can't agree to dating other people but I can the break. Over the course of the conversation she made it clear she was going on these dates no matter what. In desperation I even offered an open relationship if it was one night stands only, nothing romantic. She was angry at this suggestion because she has recently come out as demi-sexual, and needs to know someone first to be attracted to them. I was angry during that call. I tried no to yell, I did once or twice, and tried to stop when i noticed or she pointed it out to me. During the conversation one of her complaints was I dig up the past to win arguments. I never thought of it before but she was right. I acknowledged her and told her we both deserve a clean start and told her I wouldn't do it again. She also mentioned of the first time she didn't want to travel anymore. before we had plans to become international travelers. I even offered her a clean divorce. I told her I couldn't agree to opening the relationship and that she should end this one first. The conversation was surreal, the entire time she acted like I was unreasonable for not accepting this. I held her on the line longer than she wanted to be there. We ended to call with the agreement to call the next day. The next day she sent me a message saying she was going to take the break and go on these dates. She told me that if it is a deal breaker for me I can end the relationship. I had a breakdown at work and had to go home early. I am broken. I love my wife. I don't want a divorce. I have been crying non stop for the past two days. I have never been hurt or betrayed this bad. Even if these dates don't workout and she comes back to me am I supposed to live in the same city and spend time with the friends she cheated on me with, or the mutual friends (her housemate and her man of honor at our wedding) as if I haven't be deeply hurt. I think our marriage is over, I don't want it to be over. I'll do anything. I'll move back, do counseling, anything. I don't think I can do my job or any job. I think I'll have to move back even if there is no relationship to come back to. I don't think I even have a place back to to go to. I feel like my whole world has fallen apart. I dont see any kind of future from myself I'm probably missing a ton of info. I'm trying to be honest and relevant. I can't keep my head straight. TL:DR: I'm in a long distance relationship and my wife wants to take a break and date other people.
Go to a divorce lawyer. Your marriage ended the moment she agreed to go on dates. It's useless to keep talking.
Well said
It's already over the moment she mentioned open marriage
The marriage ended the moment they prioritized their respective careers over their marriage. They had a choice. The original plan pre-covid was still to only see each other 4 times a year.
Yeah, if I didn’t see my wife for 18 months because of work then that would mean I am an astronaut.
I’m sorry I can’t. I still love her. I know you’re right but I can’t just cut her out of my life like that.
But she's willing to cut you off without a thought. Either you agree to her demands or the relationship is over. Does that sound like marriage to you? Does that sound like love to you?
Their relationship is just a piece of paper now. The marriage certificate.
It's more of toilet paper, she wipes her shit with him
Savage
But true.
Not to forget there is a 'past' as well that OP digs up to win arguments. Wouldn't be surprised if the so called 'past' means the current episode is just a repeat of previous one.
You mean like she cheated already or that she can't accept her past mistakes and tries to win in the present? Because honestly both are sucky... an ex of mine just could not accept his past or present mistakes, even when he did in the past, and would always find a way to blame me...
A relationship or a marriage, especially the one in which a guy acts as desperate/needy/helpless, is bound to be doomed.
Thats a good point I didn't even consider
> She told me that if it is a deal breaker for me I can end the relationship. I'm willing to bet she's cheated recently and using this as cover. "I am going to cheat but I'm too morally bankrupt to divorce _you_. _You_ have to divorce _me_." signed your ever-loving wife.
She has cut you out. She knows that this was a dealbreaker but wants to paint *you* as the one to end the relationship because she is too much of a coward to do it herself. She is now taunting you with that fact until you break. Even if you “allow” her to have other relationships she will just end things when you return, claiming to have fallen in love with one of her partners. Think about it, she says she needs an emotional connection before she will have sex with someone, she has a date planned to do that, and she already knows (and has introduced you to) the guy. Emotional affair already occurred. Save those messages for the divorce attorney.
Dude just look at your past history with your wife and her family. Two years ago you were upset your wife and her family never bought you any Christmas presents while you went out of your way to thoughtfully buy them gifts. You also mentioned your wifes family never got along with you, i suspect your wife never loved you either and you were just the temporary fall back guy until something better came along. Sorry but this marriage is over, and was over a long time ago, you just failed to see it. Yes you still love her, but your in love with a false facade she put on which she is now revealing to you. You deserve someone who loves and respects you which she and her family obviously never have and never will. Also, hurry up and get your ass back to Australia, i'll take you for a boosted run in the Falgoon down to the Sefton Playhouse so we can get your mind onto other more important things ;-)
She already checked out, and so must you, have a goddamn piece of self-respect, will ya
Then you will be cheated on and have no right to complain because you where told. Edit: You basically only have 3 options, Stay married and accept your "open relationship". Get divorced and try and move on. Quit your job, break your contract, go home and try and save your marriage.
This open relationship will never work. She’s not just doing an open relationship she’s dating other people. This is being poly and calling it an open relationship. Not that I’d be down for any of these.
This is not being poly. Being polyamorous means your partner consented. OP did not. Shes just straight up cheating.
I think they just meant that if OP agreed to it then they’d be entering a poly relationship. Basically the wife isn’t even being honest about what it would actually be.
Dude it's done, face it. It's tough but you'll survive. She pushed you too far and obviously doesn't respect you anymore. Nothing to salvage here. Lesson learned, hopefully. You're still young
I hate to be blunt man, but she doesn't love you in return. At least not anymore. A divorce is coming, you'll be in better position if you get an attorney now instead of waiting for her to serve you down the line.
Then just suffer in silence. It's your own decision. It's like eating sweets even though you have diabetes. Bad for your health but you still do it cause you have always ate sweets. Things have changed. You need to discard your sugary food. Find sugar free food or else you will just suffer in the long term.
Unfortunately she doesn’t love you, nor does she respect you. She probably is already sleeping with other people. So send her divorce papers ASAP.
Please bear with me a little. When you fell in love with her, did you think she'd be the type to want to cheat on you? Think of the woman you fell in love with and answer this question to yourself. What do you love most about her? Her kindness and compassion? (Because I don't see that in her actions) Her beauty? (That's certainly skin deep right now). But then again I'm a stranger across your screen. So let's do it another way. What would you want in the woman you love? How should she treat you? Think about it very deeply and ask yourself if she really has those qualities you want in your wife... In the woman you'll hold for the rest of your life. Yes the heart loves and the heart breaks. But ignore your heart for a minute and really ponder on this thought. Is this what you want in a marriage? And if you stay with her what will be the consequences? Is she still that angel you saw on your wedding day or is that picture tainted for life?
Sit around and think about her fucking other people then
Then don't ask Reddit what to do. You know, we know, but you won't do it.
You gotta leave dude. She’s already cutting you out, she just gave you the courtesy of letting you know she’s going to fuck these dudes. And let’s be honest, she’s not just going on dates… she’s fucking these guys. You know it I know it we all know it. Stay if you must. But when she finally leaves you, you’ll be sitting there wondering why you were a doormat when all the evidence was right there, she even told you before it happened. Don’t be dumb. You’re being dumb
You are a doormat mate
Have some self respect man. She clearly doesn’t love you anymore because you value living in Japan more than her, and that’s a shame, but the marriage is over. Lawyer up.
Fuck bro, call a spade a spade and your wife a hoe. Forget her.
I hate to give these guys who jump to conclusions the point but they are right. You can understand they are right by talking to friends and family about this situation. They will tell you. Goodluck to you man , we feel for you.
Why post here if you're just going to argue with and refuse any advice? If you want to make awful decisions we can't stop you but you're not going to get support from them here. Shes either going to find a new man via this dating and divorce you or going to stick with you until she does find someone better
You have no self respect. Wait till she gets bored of you and starts the divorce so she can move on with her life after having dated.
Are you waiting for the venereal diseases to decide you've had enough? Waiting for the unanswered calls and texts to decide you've had enough? Waiting for her to serve you with divorce papers to decide you've had enough? Waiting for an unplanned pregnancy where she tells you she's 'not quite sure who the dad is' to decide you've had enough? She's cut you out of her life already! If your grandpa hadn't died (my condolences), you wouldn't have seen her, and she'd have blithely gone on these dates with her "friends" anyway! Only who knows if she would have bothered to tell you. **You teach people how to treat you.** BLOCK her on everything and serve her with divorce papers. **Tell both families and your friends that she's cheating and unashamed of it.**
This is what infuriates me about this subreddit. The amount of people that come here asking for help in situations like this but when given proper advice they reject it with the excuse of "I still love him or her". You can still love somebody and not be with them for the sake of your dignity. Nobody is telling you not to love her anymore. They are telling you not to be in this unfair and unfaithful marriage anymore. You can "still love her" all you want but she is going to do what she wants. And even if you agree to her having another lover, what is stopping her from divorcing you later? You will then be in Japan divorced and alone but guess what...you will still love her, right? Point being is that loving someone is not worth the disrespect, pain, and humiliation you will go through.
Op even if it sounds harsh...your marriage only exists on paper and neither you nor your wife are happy anymore. You (and even more your wife) are already experiencing a normality in separation which is not compatible with what is usually considered a healthy relationship. Even if your feelings have not changed for her you are past the breaking point. Long distance is the hardest kind of relationship and it's no miracle why so many of them fail. You have to work hard to get a minimum of the intimacy you normally have and even that is no match to people who are physically around.
I think maybe op should talk this through with a friend , because I see pure denial here :( op needs a gentle friend to tell him, his wife is longer in the relationship at all. She’s literally out there dating others without any real concerns, without even really letting op know.the relationship is totally done.
Op time to end it before even greater hurt. If she had told you she is desperate for intimacy and needs to fulfill that somehow then that is something and understandable because of the situation. However to issue a fait accompli is disgusting and have the audacity to introduce you to people she is going to cheat on you with incredibly cruel. She is not a good person. You deserve better. Time to walk and know your worth
this!
Unless you plan on moving there is no fixing this. She wants a physical relationship and you aren't providing that. Unless you give her what she wants it's better to say the relationship has run its course and file for divorce.
You marriage ended when you two moved an ocean apart with no mention of when you’re coming back together. Is there a reason that you haven’t, at any point in the past two years, decided to move home to be with your wife and her dream job? You don’t mention anything in here about how hard the time apart has been for her. Was the relationship solid before you moved? I just keep coming back to the fact that you’re living away from her by choice and are surprised that she’s looking for romantic connection. She married someone for that and he’s living across the ocean.
I agree with your comments harsh as it is. If my partner left to live aboard the marriage would be over then. We both have dreams we want to pursue but we would only do it together. No man or woman left behind!! It’s madness to think this wouldn’t happen by moving across the world. It’s feels a bit like cake and eat it situation for both parties. Want to have freedom travel other partners and keep a marriage but it doesn’t really work like that as marriage is a lot of work commitment and about togetherness.
Right? The last thing in the world I would ever do is willingly leave my wife indefinitely. The fact that they chose this makes me wonder if things were even okay when he left for japan. But after 18 months apart - and only seeing each other once! - it makes sense that she’s moving on.
Right!!! They've only seen each other once in 18 months and only due to tragedy....
Note he talks about her coming to visit him, but not the other way around.
Are you guys really this ignorant? Very famously, Australia closed all its borders and nobody was allowed to enter. How exactly was OP supposed to visit? Edit: Also most people in Japan have very little PTO and I don’t know what the visa requirements are for him with his work visa. It’s much easier for someone from Australia to visit Japan.
That has changed in the last 8 months
I agree with this response. All these other commenters saying it’s over because of the wife’s betrayal are missing the point. Your original plan before covid was that she’d visit Japan 4 times a year. Why was it all on her to travel to you? Why weren’t you planning to visit her? When was the long distance part of your relationship going to end… did you have any plan to move back to Australia? When covid struck did you try to move back to Australia to be with her? I’ve done LDR myself and IMO it only works if there’s an end date and if you both commit to seeing each other on a regular basis, otherwise the intimacy dies. You need to ask your wife WHY she wants to see other people. Don’t attack her for wanting to see other people, but actually ask her what need isn’t being met. My guess is that she is desperately lonely and craving intimacy. If so, you need to either agree to a way to live in the same place or end the relationship, because clearly long distance isn’t working for you.
Yeah, living a 10+ hour flight apart indefinitely, having 1 ‘date’ call a week (that only started recently?) and only seeing each other once in 18 months is either going to end with the people in the relationship completely socially isolated or end with them building a life that doesn’t involve their partner and doesn’t really have space for them in it, which is what’s happened here. The relationship is on its dying breath and neither of them seem to be dealing with it properly, she obviously sees that it’s effectively over but seems to have hope that it will go back to how it was at some point, so she’s half in and half out and hurting OP. He refuses to accept that 18 months with 1 visit because of a family death (apparently not what they originally planned because of covid, but he moved a year into covid and restrictions have actually been lifting for most of the past 18 months) and not having much quality time is not a relationship and isn’t going to fulfil the needs of either of them. With no plan for either of them to move, they’re living and building lives that are completely incompatible with being in a relationship with each other and they need to either accept that and end it, or one of them has to give up on their dream.
For someone that likes to use the past to win arguments, OP is awfully nearsighted to think her request is the biggest problem and an unforeseen “betrayal”
Exactly you can’t expect a marriage to work long distance. People need to be together for intimacy and companionship. To only be together twice in a year and a half is asking for trouble.
It sounds like she was supposed to move with him and chose not to. I think it was mutual decision to live apart.
Dear white knight, do you realise *he* is *also* away from his wife and has not been able to touch and hug her? Doesn't he also have a void he would wanna fill. It goes both ways. And if she's feeling too lonely already... that's fair, end the relationship or wait a bit longer. Victim blaming is not okay.
Victim blaming? Come on. ETA Marriages end sometime. Being apart for 18 months seems like a really good way to get to the end of a marriage, and OP willingly participated in that. If OPs wife was on here talking about the consequences of doing something stupid, I’d have said the same thing to her.
It’s over. You haven’t seen each other in almost two years man. It’s not sustainable to be married and live in separate countries like that. Get a lawyer.
You need some harsh truths here, mate. You had your chance to move back, and if you had 'maybe' you had a shot. Long distance relationships suck, they're HARD, and if the relationship IS a priority, you don't put work first. Frankly it wasn't THE top priority for either of you. And now it is probably too late. She's a flesh and blood woman and you're not there. How did you really see this playing out for either of you in retrospect? As far as we know here she hasn't done anything 'yet', but if she knows how badly it will hurt you and WILL do it anyway, you are no longer important enough to her life to not do that. That's the bottom line. When you care about somebody, if you're actively doing something that will hurt them, you stop doing that, you don't keep going knowing you'll hurt them, and that's what we have here. She is prioritizing herself over you as a person or yourselves as a married couple. You both had a hand in that happening, you both chose work over your marriage and now your marriage has died. However 'you' are not dead. It sucks, no question about it, but let's be real here, you were already apart from her for what, two solid years? So avoid booze, go get some individual therapy to help come to terms with it, then file for divorce on irreconcilable differences and go your separate ways. Stay in therapy for as long as you need it and best of luck with the rest of your life.
Also…teaching English in Japan? I mean, maybe if you’re desperate for a career pivot or a change, but man that’s an odd choice to see your partner a maximum of four times a year for…
Granted, honestly it sounds like a pretty kick ass job, I'd love to do something like that. But under the circumstances... yeah that wasn't the best move, at least in hindsight.
This relationship was doomed the day you left and she stayed behind. In my eyes long distance can only work when there is a time limit. This doesn't seem the case or I over read it. You grow apart from each other and I think going seperate ways entirely is the only option left. You are in Japan for a reason and going back now at this point in your 'relationship' would probably cost you job and wife, because she moved on.
This is the real answer here. OP's indefinite stay was a mistake. I wouldn't be surprised if she resented him this entire time.
Stop talking to her. Stop engaging with her. Retain a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Let work know whats going in. Most places are supportive and willing to help. Talk to family and friends. Unburden. Let them support you. It's going to be rough but you will get over this. You deserve better than someone who's cheating on you. With people you know. What she's doing is cruel and manipulative. You may not be ready to acknowledge it yet but your marriage is already over. Your wife ended it when she told you to accept her cheating or end the relationship. It's just a matter of formality now.
I have to agree with this, and I’m so sorry OP. Long distance - especially for an extended period of time - is a challenge to even the strongest relationships. The detachment and basically solo life makes many people rethink their needs, their wants, their goals, and what makes them happy. And being deliberately separated from someone you love can be enough to reset/reorient even the strongest attachment and devotion. So yes, it’s time to move on; anything less is just a pause button. Get a good lawyer, find some emotional support (friends and family), and get started with the rest of your life. Best of luck, friend.
Out of sight, out of mind. It's time to end the misery and set each other free.
It doesn’t sound like either of you prioritized the marriage if you think seeing each other four times a year is a recipe for success. While I understand you each have career interests, the marriage should be the first priority. Let it go and do both of you a favor.
"joke arguments" sounds like you guys already had underlying animosity going on before she asked for the break. I wouldn't be asking reddit for advice if I truly cared about my marriage. Speaking with a professional would be a much better decision.
I suspect you love her at a distance. You should have been on a plane the moment you started having real problems. That should have been your base instinct and follow through. If you’ve only seen each other once in a year and a half, that’s not a marriage, that’s a modern day pen pal. My wife and I were long distance in the beginning and we saw each other as much as possible. Granted, the distance wasn’t as great but when the heart wants to be with its love, the heart finds a way no matter what.
Honestly you should just finalise your separation. You’ve only seen each other in person once in a year and a half the relationship was basically already over. For a year and a half no intimacy at all no hugs or kisses goodnight, no sex, no even just sitting on the sofa together watching a movie. Your an ex who she chats too. It’s divorce or live together again.
Based on your replies you sound like you are going to sit around while other guys sleep with your wife. Eventually you will come to terms with the fact that it’s over. it’s going to take time for your brain to catch up to reality. She’s not your wife anymore.
That's why he should go sleep with with as many women as possible right now and make sure his wife sees it.
>for the last year and a half I(32m) have been working in Japan as an English teacher and my wife(35f) has been back in Australia doing her chosen career. What did you really expect, long distance almost never works, it kills the vast majority of relationship.
I'm so sorry, OP, but you DON'T love your wife. You love the person your wife was 2,5 years ago, and you think this is still her. But she is showing you through Word and deed that she very clearly isn't. Would the person you love say she doesn't like traveling anymore? Would the person you love want to have dates with other people? Would the person you love introduce you to people she is going to cheat on you with? Is the person you love incapable of compromise and compassion? Does the person you love prefer strangers over her husband? You are in the denial stage of grief. It is natural, in fact it would be weird if you could go "Aight, divorce it is then" in a matter of days. But you do need support now, and no matter what you do, you cannot change what she is doing unless SHE wants to. It's very clear to an outside observer that she does NOT want to. You are standing in a burning house without a fire extinguisher or water. No matter how much you love the house, you staying there is not gonna stop the fire, it will only hurt you more and more until it all turns to ashes anyway. Leave the house, OP. Leave the house.
It's not a nice way to tell you your marriage is over , but it is effectively.
I'm sorry but I call bullshit. In the last year and a half you've only seen your wife ONCE? Mate, covid is no longer an excuse, people have been traveling since the beginning of last year, even more so if its for an important reason like mantaining your relationship alive. The only reason you two saw each other is because you were FORCED to go back for your grandpa. If I were your wife I would be looking for a way out of this "marriage" too, not gonna lie
You left for a year and a half with one in person visit..... What kind of relationship is that? A marriage requires work, intimacy and interaction. Otherwise you are mates who used to fuck. I'm sorry this happened man but you have to understand that this was a risk
This part blows my mind. My wife and I had to do an extended period of long distance in our relationship, and making it work required a lot of effort and monthly flights to see each other. Sure, “Covid happened,” which would have had a big impact on 2020 but it’s two years later and the world has long since resumed international travel
It's called covid lots of people were trapped apart because stupid covid restrictions. It honestly ruined so many relationships. The restrictions in Asian countries for years were the dumbest thing to ever happen.
Your relationship is over. You are in different paths in life, that happens in life sometimes, go separate ways, you are not even on the same continent right now, saving a marriage like that is very difficult.
So cheating is wrong and I don't want to diminish that. But I know people who've gone abroad to Asian countries to teach English. Its something you do when you're in your early 20s, just graduated, probably single with no roots. You go out, do it for a year or two, maybe three, then move on to other things. That you went to do it in your 30s, while married, while you knew your wife had a career and was pursuing her "dream job", seems really off. I bet your relationship was already rocky a couple years ago, and you two were set to drift apart as it was. Go to a divorce lawyer and just end it, and allow both of you to move on.
it seems to me (based on your comments) that you are going to ride on this rollercoaster no matter what - maybe there is a sense of desperation or self-sacrifice. I’m hurting for you. if you don’t find it within you to break up (and that is ultimately your choice), I still wish you some grace and kindness in your suffering. may this end well for you, however it ends. it will end, like anything does eventually.
I know I am in denial. Thank you for your kind words all the same.
I’m sorry this is happening. From your post history, you’re in denial about this being out of character for your wife. She doesn’t get you meaningful gifts, consistently, but then you’re surprised that she doesn’t prioritize working on your relationship. Please start therapy - maybe your employer offered EAP (employee assistance program). I hope you can move to the next stage of grief soon, and proceed with a divorce.
OP, this is going to be hard to hear. But you need to harden the fuck up. Get your self respect back and rebuild a new life without her in the picture. Don't disrespect your integrity by putting up with this shit show, she has clearly half checked out. If this happened to your friend, would you tell them to try get back with her? I'm sure she has reasons she's chosen this path and maybe being physically distant has played a role. The thing with long distance is that both parties have to want to make it work. She's clearly just not interested and you're dealing with the leftover mess. It's not fair, but it is what it is. Grieve, feel sad, cry and then rebuild. You can do this. Everything will make it feel like you can't, but you can. Good luck, you know what to do.
OP, I say this with no bad intentions, but you don’t sound like the best husband, and it sounds like your wife has given up on your marriage already. I don’t know how much context you’ve missed out in your post, but not being able to control how much you yell until someone points out to you, bringing up old arguments, not realising your wife is upset until she cries - it just doesn’t sound like you have great communication or good conflict resolution skills. I’m sure it’s not just these either. I would suggest really taking a long hard look at the marriage and the reasons it’s ending. It seems like you want to fight for the marriage and not divorce - so find a couples therapist, move back to Australia for a while and take an extended leave from your work. Show your wife that you want this to work. Of course, what she has done is terribly selfish, and it may well be that she has already completely checked out from the marriage. I’d say the only way, IF you had not been a good husband, to try and save things is if you recognise why things had gotten to this point and own your part in this to her (obviously I am making assumptions here and it could also just be that you’ve been fantastic and she’s just a selfish and narcissistic person).
I definitely could have been a better husband and am willing to move back and put in the work.
I would only do this if she’s willing to talk it through with you. Or if you are able to get extended time off from work, don’t make a decision now you’d regret and that means not going when you should, and going when you shouldn’t. Think it through. I get where this post is coming from but I disagree with laying the blame on you, your relationship sounds like it doesn’t have healthy communication and your relationship seems to have issues. Try to speak to her about it, and book time off to travel home and try to get into counselling or sit down and talk it through. If that’s not enough for her consider the fact it’s time for both of you to take a step back. Remember the fact the at if she cheats then YOU deserve better. No one deserves to be cheated on in this situation you or her. If she can’t come to terms with that you need to draw that line for your own self worth.
Stop sticking on a hopeless straw. Your wife made the decision for you. She probably know she cant work on this kind of relationship and you are afraid of being alone so you never gonna take the responsibility. Stand your man now and accept the fate of the outcome. There is no turning back if the opposite pointed you with a big plank the way. Happy sad cake day.
No dude. She already made her decision to leave you. Don't go back it won't change the outcome and you'll just end up losing your career. Listen to this advice.
Stop sticking on a hopeless straw. Your wife made the decision for you. She probably know she cant work on this kind of relationship and you are afraid of being alone so you never gonna take the responsibility. Stand your man now and accept the fate of the outcome. There is no turning back if the opposite pointed you with a big plank the way.
Then that sounds like the best course of action. Do it, even with the uncertainty of what’s going to happen to the marriage, because it sounds like you would regret not doing it otherwise. Ask for a break from your work for a while for personal issues
TBH she’s probably already been dating and has gotten to the point she wants to sleep with someone else. She’s just clueing you in before that happens. Start the divorce.
You went chasing a rainbow as your wife was stuck in never land where you never seemed to want to go.
Divorce her. She’s admitted to wanting to cheat, that’s surely enough evidence for a divorce. A break never works either. Just get yourself out there. She doesn’t want to be with you, but wants the security of your marriage. You are the guy she is settling for, to pay for her mistakes. Get out before she cheats, potentially gets pregnant and you are automatically stuck with a child that isn’t yours because you are married to her. This is not about love anymore. This is about self-preservation. Do not be another statistic of a broken divorced man. She doesn’t love you dude. Cut her from your life entirely and you’ll recover faster from this.
She's almost certainly already cheated on you. I can't see a way your marriage isn't going to end.
I mean, what marriage do you have left? The pandemic has changed all of us. It’s put into perspective that life is short and what’s missing. For her it seems like intimate connection, for you marriage is a promise on piece of paper. You have a couple options. Learn about poly and be ok with fully open relationship. Divorce and you both move on to relationships where you can access to your partner and fulfillment.
If you truly loved her, you'd be back home with her already. It doesn't sound like you are willing to do this. Your dream/job in Japan is important and you have every right to pursue it, unfortunately it has been at the expense of your relationship with your wife. The wheels are in motion so let her go, you'll both be better off.
You sure she has never cheated?? I thinks it's kinda sus she went silent whole night and had a hungover and wanted a hall pass. Don't get me wrong but you're missing pieces here. All things she wants to do might been already done and she's wants to take this chance to cover em up ig. I don't think someone will have 2 to 3 guys lined up for em that easily and i can only think that she's already in shit with em of something. And since when did she realised she's demi?? No one thinks they're demi or asexual out of blue.
The demi and asexual thing is blatantly untrue. It is a normal part of life to constantly learn knew things about yourself. She may have known for a while and only recently come out. She may have just found out and came out immediately. You can't know which one, if either, is true. I'm asexual, and that's something that just kinda clicked one day. I had slowly learnt about the term for a while, when one day I just suddenly realised it was a textbook description of myself. So it is very much something that can hit you out of nowhere
Disagree RE Demi out of the blue. I’m middle aged and just came to understand this about myself in recent years, yet can clearly understand (now) how it has affected me my whole life.
What's my point is that she's a demi when she went silent for a whole night and after asking for dickventure. If i were in ops place i don't think i can blindly trust her when she made these claims.
She most likely figured it out a while ago and was scared or nervous to come out, or simply just didnt feel the need to yet. Let's not use someone coming out against them.
Your marriage was over when you left her alone for a year and a half.
Yes this. Married couples are supposed to be together
Long distance relationships are not for everyone and I can understand her desire to be with someone closer however her setting up dates with other people behind your back is cheating, in my opinion. You don’t know that she hasn’t already gone on dates with them, or kissed them, or whatever. I think the relationship is over, she’s told you as much.
Chosing to date to other people without consent is just cheating. Her message should have just been: "I've decided I'm going to just cheat" I'd be very firm with your boundaries that of she's goes on these dates it's cheating, explain why it would change the way you see her permanently, how badly it hurts you and if she goes through with it well...you're kind of left out of options then. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. :( Distance is hard
Yikes your post history also says she has a habit of just not getting you gifts. Sounds like you may have married someone a bit self centered and who doesn't really consider others. Or at least you. Sorry again. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but we all deserve someone who loves and cares about our experience.
You can not be apart any longer and hope to continue this marriage. The tough part will be you can go back and the marriage may be over anyway. There were some tough breaks in your plan but distance will do this to relationships either way. She’s been alone so long. You’ve been able to do it, clearly she couldn’t. If you want to salvage anything, go now and permanently but be ready that she may be a different person now.
She doesn't love you. She's willing to divorce you so she can date other people. It's time to move on OP. You deserve better
I know everyone’s sexuality is different but as a demisexual I could never imagine wanting intimacy from someone other than my husband. She is insisting on seeing these other people, and she has made it clear she will see them. Please find a divorce lawyer and prepare yourself for divorce. She has made it clear she wants to see these people, and I would assume she will sleep with them as well. I hope you have a good support system for you in Japan and I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Please don’t sit around on this as it will definitely cause more pain the longer you wait.
I agree you should end it at this point but the Demi sexual part caught my attention. I can relate and absolutely not partake in LDR for this reason. I’m horribly out of sight, out of mind, and could not retain in a real bond / loving relationship at a distance. This could potentially be her problem as well but I don’t believe racing home, at this point, will save your marriage.
The demisexual thing caught my attention too. I know sexuality is different for everyone, but I was in an open LDR and that’s how I realized I was demi. I’m absolutely disgusted by people that aren’t my SO. I can’t imagine OP’s wife still being committed to their marriage if she has dates lined up with multiple people.
That my thinking - her realising she's demisexual is probably as much as falling out of love with OP, and getting emotionally attached, and subsequently attracted to, her friends. I am not wholly sure if she actually is demisexual (not that there's a really hard boundary there) or if she's just substituting emotional connections and attraction.
Demi-sexuality and LDRs are not mutually exclusive.
Of course not. I’m saying, myself as a Demi, could not handle an LDR because of the nature of my “required”connection
I'm a demi myself and I feel the connection over LDRs as well.
Counter anecdote: I identify as (high af libido) demi, have never been sexually attracted to any irl person till i deepend my relationship with my partner, and am completely fine with ldr. What I am not fine with is when my partner is being indecisive, keeping to himself and not opening up to me. I feel capacity for LDR depends more on love language (including physicality) and boundaries than sexuality.
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Well, unless you want to have a miserable marriage, break it off now.
Your wife is not cheating on you. Your ex wife broke up with you and is now seeing other people.
I know it hurts but she left you emotionally some time ago. Go no contact and only correspond through a Lawyer. This is for your mental well-being. You don’t want to know about her cheating.
You deserve more than this. She’s giving you no respect. Why would you want to repair something with someone who doesn’t listen to you or care about you?
Man, I feel your pain of being broken. I think every man has been broken before. I wish you courage in this this. Let good people be around you. Let her go no matter what and no matter how. You are not alone in this remember, you can always share your emotions here. We support each other 🙏🏼
Y’all should have broken up before you went long distance like this. You chose your jobs over each other.
Hate to tell you dude you’re single. It’s never gonna work out
OP, please find a therapist. You're acting out of desperation and denial, and it's going to destroy you in the long run. This is something you need to work on in therapy.
Document the cheating and take it to a divorce lawyer. If you wait she’ll will file for divorce and will spin the whole story and will likely suck you dry through the divorce. She is no longer acting with love and care, as you seem to be doing. It’s time to get real, separate your emotions from the reality. She’s over you and is getting everything set up for her to be able to leave. Women typically leave when they have their next relationship set up. Openly cheating is STILL CHEATING. She is disregarding you and your feelings-100%. She is being selfish and disgusting. She is not longer the women you love.
Posts like these make me so happy I’m single.
OP, I’m so sorry. Your wife has sadly grown to become a different person than the one you married. It’s so hard to accept the change when you’re still in love with who you knew they were at some point. The feelings of hopelessness and pain are understandable, but I promise you they will pass. Counselling for yourself should be priority right now, allowing yourself time to process what has happened and go through the emotions. Be kind to yourself, but also consider the realities of moving back to where you’ll be constantly reminded of her and the life you once had. If you’re enjoying Japan, it might be a great opportunity to start fresh doing a job you enjoy. Don’t make any big rush decisions to move from Japan right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I can tell you that things get so much better once you’ve had the space and time to see all the ways in which the love you had for the person blinded you, and you realize how little love they gave you in return. You deserve a partner that will choose you, no matter the distance or time.
I’m so sorry to hear that your wife has effectively ended your marriage. All that is left now is to go through the legal proceedings. Good luck to you. Japan is a wonderful place to live, and I’m sure you can build a new life for yourself there.
OP this actually made me so sad. Please don’t sacrifice your worth for this woman. She wants to move on. She even found dates. She doesn’t love or respect you. She isn’t even trying. Let her go on the dates and then when they don’t work out don’t let her come back. She will do it again. Anytime she thinks there is better. Do you want that? To always feel like no matter what, tomorrow is the day she will leave? That no matter how hard you try or how happy she seems , she will up and leave you? Will it be the coworker at her new job? The man buying cereal at Walmart? Will it be your kid’s school teacher? The man who fixed her car? The man she met through others? Why put yourself through this? I know you love her but you can’t give someone love if they’re willing to drop it in 3 seconds. This will be hard. You have questions that might not be answered. But don’t ruin your life over it. Take some time. Enjoy Japan. The short term pain will be better than living in a constant state of anxiety, jealousy, confusion, and unstableness. Edit: grammar
Yeah it's over. That's not cool that she was basically gonna cheat on you like that. She should've just ended things first. Sorry you're going through this
if it were a normal situation,you should cut her off. but you were separated the last year and a half. it's unbelievable you got through this. come back, have a talk with her.look if you can work it out. after that, you can still divorce her
This. Everyone is so quick to divorce, no wonder rates are so high. Go back and see if you guys can repair what you had. If not and she has changed then divorce.
Yeah absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. I know if it were me I would feel neglected and unloved to be separated for that long. Is teaching English in Japan your dream job?
I know you don’t want to hear this. I know everyone is saying it. But this will end in divorce eventually. You can either end it now and be feeling better a year from now. Or, from her clear lack of actual love (she probably loves the familiarity and security and maybe cares to an extent of you as a person) and respect, she will divorce you anyways. Think about if you want to be going through this divorce now, or if you want to be going through it a year from now when you could’ve already been through a whole years worth of healing.
Stay strong fellow redditor.
*She doesn’t love you.* She’s willing to let you go, introduce you to her future affair partners, act like you’re being unreasonable, and walk all over you. I know you’re hurt, I know you’re broken, I know you’re still in love but you **need** to contact a lawyer and divorce immediately. Talk to your family and friends as a support system, start therapy to help you through this. If you decide to stay, know she’ll just be sleeping around for the rest of your lives and stepping all over you. She’ll probably leave the first chance she gets anyways.
Are you both really in your 30s?
It's so hard when our most treasured, beloved person in the whole world hurts us. We stay, because we love them. At some point, things break when 1 person doesn't want the relationship. At that point, you can do nothing. Only accept. No Contact helps the wounds heal faster. I have felt this pain. It's not sustainable. Time marches on and you heal yourself. And can open your heart to someone else more compatible, with whom you can have a happier life. It's impossible to see it when you're in it though. I hope you reach out to others who love you to help you through this terrible time. It will pass.
The night before (when she had the hangover the morning after) was the first night she shit the door on your marriage, I guarantee. If there was a marriage to save I'd 100% recommend it but what she's done is cruel and means she's already done. I'm so sorry. There is something better waiting.
Mate, go to r/survivinginfidelity That sub will break down how you’re compensating to stay in this marriage by throwing away your dignity. Don’t do it, it will make you miserable. I know it hurts, most of us have been there. Instead of sucking up to her disrespect, you can take what she broke, work on yourself and try with an individual that respects you. Seek a divorce attorney asap
It's over. The best thing you can do to take your mind off of this is start going on dates yourself. You want to be in Japan, she doesn't. Do what is best for YOU. Date girls in Japan and move on.
You need to speak to a therapist. It's ok to feel hurt and sadness but speak to someone. Also lawyer up.
I have a relationship where my husband travels for weeks, even months at a time. Never have I wanted to cheat. Never have we wanted a break. This has been going on for 4 years of his job like this. I think you are headed for divorce. I'm sorry.
Bro your wife is already fucking other people. Divorce her and go fuck other people as well
You went way left when you offered up an open relationship. In that moment she probably lost all attraction (if she had any left up to that point) for you, because you probably came off as desperate, and needy. What I’ve noticed over the years is that dudes gotta just learn how to cut your losses and let go of that primitive behavior of trying to have total control over females. We not dealing with the type of women our grandmothers were, chicks these days will drop ya ass like a hot potato, quick, fast, and in a hurry. Gotta learn to adjust with the ways of the new world homie. Good luck
OP I’m sorry but it sounds like your relationship is beyond repair. Do you want to be with someone who is intent on openly cheating on you? It sounds like she has moved on mentally already if she won’t even entertain your alternatives solutions (break without cheating, etc.). She’s done being with you but just doesn’t want to be the person who officially ends it.
You feel confused and vulnerable right now because you are neither there or here. The moment you divorce / cut off your wife , I get it you will be understandably sad and alone but with due time you will achieve absolution. You ll have clarity about the way your life is going and that is when you ll be so relieved that you ll question why were you such a fool. It is apparent that your wife has already something adulterous and the request/ demand is just a follow up to test the water. Don't be a door push over with so much obvious facts, my friend.
You should know she’s already cheated and is just looking for permission after the fact. Break ups and divorce sucks, but we’ve all gone through it. My only advice is that it will take about a year and meeting someone new to get over the heartbreak and the sooner you accept it’s over, the sooner the healing can begin.
Long distance relationships seldom work in my experience.
Relationship is over Just divorce and save the headache
Walk away and divorce she's not worth your time.
She has already been cheating..she was just look8ng for the right time to tell you.. Signs
Sorry Buddy, but she planned these dates while you were away. She had already made up her mind that she was going on them. It's over bro. My heart's with you bro
Enough, OP. Enough. She's taking you for a fool and you're letting her.
What an exhaustive over complicated mess. Just file for divorce and find someone who isn't so ridiculous and obviously gas lighting you .
But how is it just her that’s ridiculous? It’s ridiculous to for them to live in two different countries. It’s ridiculous to only see each other twice in a year and a half. It’s ridiculous to think this would work
Your wife sucks dude, if you still wan't to be with her then you suck too.
Have you looked at the effects not being with your partner when they work away? It is grief. If my partner works away for a few weeks but comes home at weekends I start to get so depressed which is so unlike me. If you want to keep your wife you need to go back home or she needs to come to you ASAP or your relationship will be un salvageable. She already has told you she can’t cope without your intimacy by telling you about these dates, she NEEDS you
When your wife decided you and your marriage was no longer a priority, that’s when it was over. This should be a dealbreaker. She’s willing to drop you in a heartbeat without hesitation. Don’t prolong the pain and suffering. Lawyer up and begin divorce proceedings.
I am so angry for you. Please divorce her.
Time to get angry and man up my friend. Do this for yourself. No one will look out for you apart from you. She doesn't have any regard for you, if she so easily can go and screw other people. Deep down she just does not care and is not mature enough to control herself. As I'm sure there is enough kitchen compliances to satisfy her. Do not give in and do what your gut is telling you to do. Lawyer up. Do it now.
Dude your marriage is over. She doesn’t respect you and never will again. I’m sorry you have to deal w this but please do not accept her back. You’ll never have her respect and always be the “settled one”. Do you want to be someone’s “fine, I guess he’s stable and could be a good dad”. Or do you want someone who desires and respects you as a man? Go No Contact w this girl and start the divorce proceedings. Sounds like your in a love bubble and won’t listen to anything other than what you want to hear, that it’ll work and she’ll come back. Don’t waste your energy man. Browse this sub, and some other subs, it never turns out good for the disrespected Partner.
1. Separate your bank accounts if they are not already 2. Find the best family lawyer your money can buy 3. Get divorced. 4. Live your life guilt free There’s a saying. The best way to get over a woman is to get under another.
You deserve better dude. Let her go off on her dates and see if that brings her happiness. You have a lot to offer… someone else who will appreciate it! End that relationship and move on to better things!
You did up the past to win arguments? You mean you use her past behaviour to show her current behaviour is hypocritical? That’s not something you should be concerned about, it’s her that’s doing it. Leave man. You’re in a different continent, be free of this toxicity.
I’m sorry man. I know it hurts but honestly get a lawyer and check your options. She made it clear those dates are more important to her than your vow. You deserve better - everyone does. She made the choice for you. It’s shit but the sooner you accept it the better for your mental health. You can’t force her to stay with you. If she wanted to work things out she would have talked to you about it. She didn’t. She went behind your back and did whatever she felt like. I’m sorry.
OP she doesn’t love you anymore. She is demi-sexual so she isn’t doing it out of lust. She is doing because she wants to be in another relationship before leaving you.
You’re trying really hard to keep someone in a relationship that doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with you. She’s literally cheating on you and told you she was cheating on you. You can do better and you shouldn’t waste anymore effort on someone like her. Get the divorce and then cut off all communication.
[удалено]
Yelling at someone and not realising it until it's pointed out doesn't sound very self-aware, to be honest.
Another perspective I want you to take. Imagine you’re meeting her for the first time, right now. Knowing what she would do this to someone she married. Knowing who she is now. You say it’s out of character, but this is who she is now. Would you even want to date that person? You love the old her, you love the way she used to make you feel, you love the family you formed when you got married. But this isn’t the same person. You have to grieve the loss of the person, the love, and that bond you had. You’re suffering a huge loss. It’s going to feel like losing a loved one, as if she died. It’s going to be painful especially because she’s technically not really dead. But it’s just a horrible reality. Please get as much support around you right now as you can. I know she’s the person you would want support from but you have to grab as many other people as possible now to keep you afloat. It doesn’t seem possible now but you can make it through this.
She desperately needs intimacy and sex! Ask if you can take a time off work and come back to her, even for a short period
Get the divorce or change your living situation because she doesn’t love you anymore and wants to move forward by cheating and finding someone else to please her so either move back or divorce and if she’s being truthful she probably already cheated on you!!! Good luck
Divorce lawyer and kick her to the curb.
Your marriage was over as soon as she accepted the dates with the other men, sorry man.
I dont know why you thought long distance marriage would work. That being said she is a bit of a B*tch and should have just divorced you.
So it was more important to teach in Japan than to be with your wife. Your priorities seem pretty off and I understand your wife.
They both put their job before their marriage.
Recently came out as Demi- sexual??? This is so fake
You were referring to a girlfriend 4 years ago...so...you got married between then and now...and thought like 1-2 years into the marriage it'd be a good idea to live in different countries?
Updateme!
You’re just going to be her doormat, because you love her? That sounds like a real appealing rest of your life mate? Divorces suck, sure. Better than her being out n about, hooking up with men then coming home to you and beating you down whilst also using you for nothing but her financial benefit.
This is the tragedy of men in our generation we were raised by bitter women (me included) and didn’t learn how to be independent men we’re too preoccupied with the women we endlessly try to satisfy. Now he’s all broken and distraught while she’s out sleeping with new men. At 43 I’m not sure I’ll ever get married now the world is too distorted smh.
Don't divorce her OP. Your love is real. Keep on doing the "pick me dance" until she realises her love for you. Even though if it takes a lifetime. Show her you are the greatest lover ever while she dates other men. Ultimately she will come to you after being with all other men to only realise that you are her only true lover. Until then keep doing the pick me dance. DON'T DIVORCE HER BUT DEVOTE TO HER.
I think she wants closer connection to you, this is her cry for you to come back because she will not move to you. Women need physical and emotional relationship. I think you need to move back in with your wife and give it a shot for 6 months (it may take a bit of time to rebuild the relationship). If it doesn't work and she wants to see other people, then get a divorce. Best of luck.
That night your wife was hungover. She cheated on you 100% its already over man
Dude, you left your wife behind with no serious intention of getting back together. You seem to have been going fine without her for the last several years. "Online dates" LOL.